1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Good, the Bad and the Dead - full transcript

Did you know death is like a

really bad cold?

There's no known cure,

That's bad news for the girl

with the long, long legs,

Or the guy who tried to

recycle...

himself,

And the escaped prisoner who

wound up beached and leeched,

Then there's the guy with the



snake up his Butt,

And the fish story that'll leave

you gagging,

Take two aspirin and call me in

the morning,

It's the next episode of

1,000 ways to die,

Death is everywhere,

Most of us try to avoid it,

others can't get out of its way,

Every day we fight a new war

against germs, toxins, injury,

illness, and catastrophe,

There's a lot of ways to wind up



dead,

The fact that we survive at all

is a Miracle,

Because every day we live, we

face 1,000 ways to die,

Tracy was getting ready for

another honest Night's work,

As a las vegas showgirl, her

long, shapely legs were her meal

ticket,

Working all night and sleeping

most of the day didn't leave

much time for mundane tasks like

shopping,

Ow,

Oh,

When Tracy cut herself with

an old, Rusty razor blade, her

death clock started ticking,

The blade that cut her skin had

a nasty bacteria on it called

group a strep,

It's the same kind of

bacteria, streptococcus, that

causes a strep throat,

But there are certain strains

that have a particular toxin

that makes them more prone to

causing these necrotizing

infections,

A "necrotizing infection" is

just a fancy way to say

"flesh-Eating disease,"

And a few days later, Tracy got

a rude awakening,

Oh, my god,

Oh, my face!

Holy crap,

This particular bacteria can

progress very quickly,

It can happen over a matter of

hours,

You can go from being perfectly

healthy to having a

limb-Threatening or even

life-Threatening infection,

The bacteria traveled through

her body and wound up breaking

through a pimple, and eating its

way across her face,

By the time Tracy wound up in

the hospital it was too late,

The infection had spread

throughout her body, causing

septic shock,

In a city that never sleeps,

Tracy the leggy showgirl went

lights out,

Jake believed that any day now

humanity would be wiped out in

some cataclysmic event,

He was determined to survive,

come hell or high water,

Living off the grid, alone and

isolated, Jake spent every

waking hour in a state of

paranoia,

He patrolled his land for any

intruder who might threaten his

space,

It was a job that required

constant vigilance,

While draining the snake in his

hand, Jake failed to see the one

in the bush,

Like a devil in disguise, a

six-Foot speckled King Snake

went straight for Jake's rifle,

Snakes'll often find

someplace warm to help heat

their body up,

And, uh, that way they can

digest their food,

Snakes don't make their own heat

inside, so they need to get

outside heat,

The snake wrapped itself

around the Butt of Jake's gun

and through the trigger loop as

Jake made sure not to let the

last drops go down his pants,

Those few extra Shakes would

prove fateful,

Uh!

Maybe the snake got spooked

by Jake and tensed up around the

trigger,

Maybe the snake was sent to

deliver a message,

But what's clear is the snake

managed to pull the trigger

right when the gun was pointed

at Jake's heart,

Snakes definitely like to

kinda wiggle into tight places,

and it may have just been

wrapped around the, uh, trigger

of the gun,

The bullet blasted a

four-Inch hole into Jake's

breast bone, piercing his heart,

Death was instantaneous,

In the end, Jake successfully

avoided the apocalypse by

Permanently isolating himself

from humanity,

But he never learned that if the

barbarians at the gate don't get

ya, the snake in the grass will,

Next up...

Escaped female prisoner learns

the hard way... Leeches suck,

Then, a mentally challenged

thief takes himself out with the

trash,

Carmen is a very bad girl,

A notorious crystal meth dealer

and convicted murderer, she was

sent to a texas prison with no

chance of parole,

She decided to take her own

chances, and busted out,

If she could make it across the

border into mexico, she'd be

home free,

But that was a long shot,

And the prison guards chasing

her were very good shots,

With no place left to run, she

hit the ice-Cold water,

But without knowing it, Carmen

had jumped out of the frying pan

and into the fire... Straight into

the clutches of a hidden enemy,

Leeches,

If you're... Like, for this

prisoner who's running through

the... the swamp, it's the perfect

place,

They're ambushers, they can

smell and feel the body heat,

and it's lunch,

And they'll swim very fast and

attach themselves almost

immediately, and within three

seconds they're drawing blood,

The lake was a chilly 55

degrees,

A half an hour would send Carmen

into a state of hypothermia,

A minute turned to ten, while

the sharpshooters carefully

scanned the area,

Carmen's breathing became quick

and shallow,

Her blood vessels constricted,

and her limbs became numb,

It was the perfect cover for the

leeches, who are made to suck

blood undetected,

They have an anticoagulant in

the saliva, and also a pain

killer, so you don't feel them

attaching, and you don't feel

the blood flowing,

So even when the Leech is full...

I would say 10 to 15 to 20 ccs

of blood, it falls off, you're

still going to Leak another five

to ten ccs of blood,

They'll literally drain you out

of blood,

After 45 minutes, Carmen was

finally able to crawl out of the

water,

Soon she'd be safe in Mexico,

mixing up new batches of devil's

brew... Methamphetamine,

But Carmen's Karma is about to

bite back,

She's so drained of blood from

the leeches feeding on her body,

she's too weak to move,

If she doesn't die from a

lack of blood or loss of blood,

she would die of exposure,

Too weak,

Couldn't even call for help

eventually, she'd just die of

exposure and she'd become a...

Basically a blowfly picnic,

wouldn't she?

Griff's an urban

Hunter-Gatherer,

The kind who mostly gathers

other peoples' stuff,

Knowing the security guard is on

his fourth coffee break, it was

time for griff to strike,

But even a rent-a-Cop can

sometimes stumble onto a perp,

Hey!

Hey!

Are you kidding me, man?

C'mere!

Hey!

C'mere!

Sometimes a desperate

dumpster dive is the only way

out,

Hidden underneath yesterday's

lunch, griff has once again

eluded the man,

But not the machine,

While he was getting cozy with

the cockroaches, fate turned his

world upside-Down,

Aah!

Hey!

Aah!

Falling on his head has left

griff groggy and disoriented,

A second load pins him down,

compactors create about

64,000 pounds or 32 tons of

pressure to crunch and collapse,

uh, debris,

the first thing that happens

is that you can't breathe

because the external forces

disallow expansion of the chest,

once in the clutches of the

compactor, griff's bones will

start snapping one-By-One,

Eventually his vital organs will

burst from the severe pressure,

Ostensibly there's

disintegration of every known

structure in the human body,

Aah!

If he's lucky, he'll have

lost consciousness by then,

By the time they finally

discovered what was left of his

body, it probably would just be

mopped up with a sponge,

There you go,

A new way to reform a criminal,

Come to mama!

Coming up...

a fish tale that's hard to

swallow,

and...

what are you doing?

An ex-Con sticks it where the

sun don't shine, and doesn't

live to regret it,

what's the matter with you?

Ah, the great outdoors,

Where else can you enjoy a hot

Chick and a pole without blowing

your paycheck?

Kathy is every outdoorsman's

dream... a super sexy, pint-Sized

Daisy Duke who digs fishing,

Any guy would love to pull this

Spinner out of their tackle box,

Come to mama,

The problem was Kathy was no

angler,

She couldn't even catch a cold,

In all her days spent fishing,

she had yet to catch a fish,

So far, today was like all

others,

Cast after cast, the only thing

she reeled in was frustration,

What is this?

Kathy's bad day took a turn

for the better,

It started with a nibble,

Yes!

The nibble turned into a

bite,

Come on,

Oh, come on,

Oh, come on,

And finally, she had her

first fish on the line,

You're not getting away,

Come to mama!

She gave one last terrific

pull, and her fish was on the

hook and in the air,

What happened next makes This

fish tale one for the books,

Kathy's fish came soaring out of

the sky, into her wide-Open

mouth...

and lodged itself deep down

her throat,

The outside of a fish is

composed of thousands of scales,

which are like individual

plates,

On the outside of the plates are

bony spines, which will dig into

anything that grabs hold,

the more she pulled, the more

its scales dug into the walls of

her throat...

choking her to death,

In the end, Kathy was the one

that got away,

Damn, baby, you're like the

best thing I've seen in three

years,

I bet,

Out on parole, with $200 to

his name, Levinson was ready to

live it up on his first night of

freedom,

So, like any sensible man Who

knows where True happiness lies,

he bought himself a bottle of

Jack, rented himself a fancy

suv, and got himself a Hooker,

All I got is 50,

Think of this as a Charity,

All right,

Lucky Levinson was about to

receive a blue ball special,

You're an Angel,

Oh, I've been waiting three long

years for this,

Lost in the romance of the

moment, Levinson didn't notice a

cop car pulling up until he had

already pulled his pants down,

Oh, crap,

Take this,

What is that?

It's Pepper spray,

Take it,

No!

It's a parole violation,

I go back for two years for

this,

What are you doing?

Levinson had a can of Pepper

spray in plain view on the

console of his car,

And in the panic to hide it, the

ex-Con followed his instincts,

and shoved the contraband into

the first place he could think

of...

up his Keister,

What's going on here?

Nothing, Officer,

Just me and my wife talking,

Your wife?

Yes, my wife,

If that's your wife, I'm the

emperor of China,

Nice to meet you, emperor,

Get outta the car,

Got nothing better to do?

Get outta the car,

They say that when you get

pulled over, your first

impression dictates your odds of

avoiding trouble,

Exiting a vehicle with your

pants around your ankles and a

half-Pint of booze on your

breath... Not a good start,

Are you under the influence?

A little bit,

A little bit?

A little bit!

Hey!

Aah!

what's the matter?

When the cop shoved Levinson

against the truck, it set off a

raging can of Pepper Spray

inside his bunghole,

Oh, my god, it hurts!

What's going on?

When someone has Pepper spray

sprayed in their face, it

typically is in an open

environment,

When Pepper spray will go off

in, say, a closed Colon, there's

nowhere for that Pepper to

diffuse, so it's just constantly

gonna be irritating that lining,

causing more and more damage

getting close to the lining,

probably causing more severe

damage than, say, if you sprayed

it in someone's eyes or nose,

The hell is wrong with this

guy?

You'll figure it out,

I am so out of here,

What's going on?

What the hell's going on?

crime doesn't pay, But the

criminal does,

For Levinson, first he put up,

then he paid up,

Up next...

we all know that war sucks, but

what happened to one unlucky

navy man that really sucked?

Throughout history, if you

really wanted to tempt death,

you went to war,

In 1991, jd bridges was part of

Desert storm in the

persian gulf,

I went into the navy two

weeks after I graduated high

school in June of '88,

They told me that I was gonna be

on the catapults and arresting

gear on the flight deck of a

Carrier,

Stationed on the

U, S, S, Roosevelt, jd became a

member of the crew responsible

for landing and launching all

the aircraft on the massive

flight deck,

We launched a-6 intruders,

f-14s, f-18s, s-3s, e-2s...

we didn't have a day and a night

crew; there was one crew,

We didn't get but about two

hours' sleep a day,

To dominate the airspace over

iraq, the rooseveltwas running

missions 24/7,

And we was launching alert

aircraft just to always have

planes in the air, and it was

about 3:00 in the morning,

everybody on the flight deck was

tired and fatigued because we

only had one ship,

Preparing an a-6 intruder for

takeoff, jd stepped too close to

one of its engines,

The air intake sucked him in

like a rag doll,

It was basically an "Oh,

" moment,

I'm in big danger, but it...

There's nothing you can do about

it, as you can see,

But jd was still inside the

running jet engine,

It ripped his helmet off and

shot it through the combustion

chamber,

The force of the air rushing

through the intake pulled the

air outta my lungs so I couldn't

breathe,

They shut down the plane, and my

air came back to me,

I started breathing,

I knew I had to get outta there,

so I crawled out, and took about

two steps and I blacked out and

woke up in medical,

Jd escaped death with

amazingly moderate injuries,

I had a broken collarbone,

uh, I had to get ten stitches

above my eye,

I've got a couple little pieces

of steel that got lodged into my

body, but it's nothing major,

Fate, luck, or Miracle?

Jd Bridges is one serviceman who

can count some major blessings,

I guess it can be considered

a Miracle for the simple fact I

should've died and didn't, so

therefore I-I think everybody

has a purpose in life, and it

just wasn't my time to go,

I've got a purpose, and

somewhere down the road I'll

find it,