1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 12 - I See Dead People - full transcript

1000 Ways to Die looks at the following cases: "#447 Water Logged" a cliff diver drowns after diving into the water and tearing his colon, "#302 Funny Boned" a man laughs for thirty six hours and dies of a heart attack, "#72 Bowed Out" a Japanese man dies of an aneurysm after hitting another man on the head during a bow, "#277 You're So Vein" a death row inmate survives a lethal injection but dies shortly after being unbuckled from the gurney, "#85 Doggie Style" a drunk chokes to death on a hot dog he tried to swallow whole, and "#403 Heart On" a disturbed man dies when he plugs a cow heart into a wall socket and uses it for a sex toy. It also talks to a man who survived being bitten by a cobra at a snake farm.

Well, you laughed in the face

of death, and now you've made it

to the last show of the season,


Here's your reward,

A cliff Jumper who goes down,

but has a problem with what

goes up,

A japanese man Who bows down and

winds up getting some head,

A death row inmate who won't

stay for his own execution,

And a sex-Obsessed psycho who's

all hot,

you still laughing?


It's the next episode of

1,000 ways to die,

death is everywhere,

Most of us try to avoid it,

others can't get out of its way,

Every day, we fight a new war

against germs, toxins, injury,

illness, and catastrophe,

There's a lot of ways to wind up


The fact that we survive at all

is a Miracle,

Because every day we live,

we face 1,000 ways to die,

Last year, over 3,000 people

died by drowning,

Only one managed to do it like


It started the way a lot of

accidental deaths do...

A combination of alcohol;

college kids; and the prospect

of wild, naked sex,

The reservoir was a legendary

college hangout famous for the

cliff, and only the bravest took

the leap,

Lots of people in our society

who don't do anything else than


They are professional risk

takers, but those people,

they're going to be, um, very

thoughtful about the risk they


The combination of beer and

booty had Patrick staring down

at the water 60 feet below,

It's the people who take

those risks, but then don't pay

heed to warning signs... Those are

the people who end up in the

obituary column of social



In What would later be

reported as a freak accident,

Patrick hit the surface at 30

miles an hour, at the perfect

angle for a powerful jet of

water to shoot up his rectum and

blow out his large intestine,

Massive internal bleeding caused

him to pass out and drown,

Oh, my god, I think he's

floating, guys,

Now, if this guy had so much

force built up in his Colon from

all that water, probably ripped

his Colon apart,

The Colon is very vascular


There's a lot of arteries that

supply it,

He probably died of acute blood

loss from all of the blood being

spewed into the perineal cavity,

If these kids had less

alcohol and more blood in their

brains, one of them might not've

wound up like this,


Everyone loves a good laugh,

No one more than Chuck,

Chuck would spend a good part

of each day sitting in his

favorite bar, laughing,

Chuck was obsessed with jokes,

Good ones, bad ones, and any


Which one do you wanna be,

the husband or the wife?

he couldn't tell a joke to

save his life, but he could

laugh at one like no other,

On this particular day, Chuck

was told a joke that triggered

an epic laughing binge,

We all have the experience

when we laugh long and hard how

we have to gasp afterwards,

We're contracting forcefully

when we laugh,

We're sort of making a prolonged

series of maneuvers that're

sorta like grunting, when we

strain and grunt, um, and that

can affect things,

You hear about some people that

actually wet their pants When

they laugh,

No one knows what the joke

was, but Chuck laughed, and he

laughed, and he laughed,

He laughed until he left, and

when he came back the next

night, he was still laughing,

Chuck laughed for 36 straight


What started out as fun was now


Chuck was trapped in his own

endless laugh track,

Laughing this long and this hard

was putting a tremendous strain

on Chuck's heart,

Laughing for an extended

period of time alters how we

breathe, so you increase the

workload of the heart, you

increase the amount of energy

you're putting into breathing,

and so you start to increase the

amount of work your body's doing

in general,

The medical term is a valsalva,

To take a deep breath in, close

our windpipe, strain, and then

let it out,

That does increase the work in

the heart, and if you were to do

that for 36 hours, that could

lead to heart attack or heart


Finally, Chuck's overworked

heart seized up,

In the end, Chuck got the last

laugh, and it killed him,

coming up...

in japan, bowing isn't just a

courtesy, it's deadly,


Hello, suckers!

Death row from the front row

can scare you...

to death,

This is yoshi Nakamura,

If he seems nervous, that's

because he is,

Yoshi has a very important job


That's why he's making such a

spectacle of himself,

He's practicing his bow and what

he will say when he meets a

certain Mr, Saichi Tanaka, an

executive at a large auto parts


Usually, um, average, 200-300

times a day, people bow,

There are three different way of


Yoshi doesn't know it, but

the person he's here to meet,

Mr, Tanaka, is already sizing up

the crazy man over there talking

to himself,

Neck is the most vulnerable

part of the body, and in

presenting neck part to opposite

person is present all my body

vulnerable to you to show my


They say you never get a

second chance to make a first


If that's True, yoshi's screwed,

But poor yoshi has a bigger

problem than unemployment,

Inside his head is a ticking

time bomb,

An aneurysm had formed DEEP

inside his brain,

Sudden contact and then

deceleration caused the aneurysm

to blow open,

They're fragile,

They're not normal vessels,

they're weaker, and when that

aneurysm blows open, the blood

pressure drives the blood out at

quite a rapid rate, filling the

closed volume of the skull and

squishing brain,

Many people live their whole

lives with an ANEURYSM without

ever finding out,

Yoshi found out about his the

hard way,

You usually pass out, and

then it gets worse from there as

the aneurysm expands and really

squashes Normal brain next to


Your typical japanese

businessman bows 300 times a


On this day, yoshi bowed out,

Hello, suckers!

It was a special day for the

man behind the blinds,

His name was Scott Randall, and

this was the day he was

scheduled to die by lethal



Randall was bad to the bone,

Three people died by his hand,

and you don't want to know how,

What're you doin', skippy?

The families of his victims

were there to make sure he got

what was coming,

A two-Bit actor when he wasn't

killing anyone, Randall relished

his final role,

Slip the juice to me, Bruce,

A lethal injection involves a

number of drugs,

The first, sodium pentothal, is

supposed to knock the inmate

out, and then potassium chloride

finishes him off,

Here comes death,

But there was a hitch,


I don't feel a thing,


even with enough drugs in his

system to drop a rhino,

Randall's heart didn't skip a



I think that this guy wasn't

superman, and that the reason

that he stayed alive was because

the tourniquet was too tight on

his arm, and the drug wasn't

able to flow past the injection

site to his heart, where it was

supposed to go,

The authorities were


Please, sir, may I have more?

Then an order came in,

release him,

Scott Randall, convicted

murderer and lifetime scum, had

a new lease on life,

Nothin' to it,

You couldn't kill me,

You couldn't kill me!

Son of a bitches!

but in the middle of his

fury, Randall went down,

And then out,

Once unstrapped, the drugs found

the one thing most Swore Randall

never had... a heart... And finished

him off,

When you deliver drug, you

always take the tourniquet off,

Otherwise there is no drainage

of the compound into the central


It was just sitting in his arm,

It's hard to justify one

death with another, but a creep

like Scott Randall...

he deserved to die,

What do you think you are


When we return...


For one thief, drinking and

robbing doesn't go down too


And an unstable pervert has a

heart on...the table,

zach Taylor had Just finished

his liquid breakfast, and was

ready to pick up some lunch,

Zach was always angry life

didn't recognize his True

genius, but he was just another

drunk who paid for his booze

with his grandmother's stolen

social security checks,

Hello, sir, how are you


when we are suffering from

alcoholism, something happens to

our brains,

You don't behave like yourself,

That's right where addiction

lays, and you just do whatever

you have to do to survive,

That's what this guy was doing,

If life wasn't going to

reward this angry, drunken

loser, he'd just go ahead and

take it all himself,


What do you think you are doing?

Get out of my place now!

Hey, stop that!

What are you doing?

Come on, go!

Get out!

Get out, you freak!

The liquid lunch will have to

wait, but zach's not leaving

without a snack,


Zach's anger finally got the

best of him,

He made it out the door, hot dog

in mouth, but dropped to the

ground, dead,

Invariably, this guy

aspirated this... This large hot

dog, which is about the perfect

size to lodge right into your

main stem bronchus,

Um, this isn't a tough case,

Couldn't ventilate, couldn't

oxygenate, and he hit the floor,

From hot dog aspiration,

I'm very upset,

This is very upsetting,

I mean, I run a good store...

Sir, please calm down,

Just tell me what happened,

As I told you, he appeared to

be extremely drunk,

There's a reason your mother

told you never to eat and run,

You might choke on your own


We've enjoyed stories of deaths

that were stupid or incredible,

but what you're about to see

will make you question...

what kind of beast is man?

Lucas wasn't exactly a lady's


In fact, he never even dated


Isolated, lonely, this

schizophrenic desert Rat was

traveling down a dark path

leading to psychopathic,

sexually deviant behavior,

In a smutty magazine, Lucas had

learned how to rig a cow heart

to a car battery, and then use

it as a sex toy,

He brought home his New date

from a local slaughterhouse,

The table was set... a fresh cow

heart he named Bessie, a fresh

battery, and a throbbing stiffy,

Lucas was ready for love,

This is beyond a fetish, this

is... Like you said, it's beyond

bestiality, it's beyond


It makes me think of somebody

who, you know, rapes and murders

and, uh, does it simultaneously,

And that this person could

conceivably been headed into

some really, really chilling

waters, had he not died the way

he did,

Lucas was turned on by the

fluttering action created by the

12-Volt current flowing from the

battery into the cow heart, but

it wasn't getting him where he

needed to go,

He reasoned that if 12 felt

good, then 110 VOLTS would feel

about ten times better,

When Lucas completed an

electrical circuit from the wall

socket into the heart, he knew

he was on to something,

Bessie was all charged up and

pumping ferociously,

All that was left was to screw

his "heart-On" into Bessie's


But as soon as the two lovers

connected, Lucas went straight

to premature electrocution,

Bessie kept right on beating,

but Lucas's heart went from on

to off,

I think here we have an

incompatibility with modern life

the way we understand it and the

way we value it on so many

different levels, on so many

fundamental levels, that if you

were to put this person in a

different time period, he would

always stand out,

It goes beyond social darwinism,

it's... It's... It's darwinism to

the extreme,

Is there a lesson to be

learned from this tale of broken


When you go looking for love in

all the wrong places, make sure

you're well-Grounded,

up next, a deadly cobra sends

a bite victim down a dark hole,

I'm bit,

We gotta go to the hospital,

It should've been just a

typical day at David weathers's

snake farm,

A wild animal and reptile

handler by trade, David is

well-Versed at wrangling some of

the most deadly creatures on


Today, it's a monacle cobra, one

of the most poisonous snakes in

the world,

But no matter How good or safe

one is...

careful, man,

Sooner or later, death is

going to bite you,

Did you blink?

When tossing the snake back in

its box, the cobra lunges at


Within a fraction of a second,

it's over,

Oh, boy,

I'm bit,

We gotta go to the hospital,

all of a sudden, bam, I get bit,

Immediately I knew I was bit

bad, so I was like, all right,

we gotta get to the hospital,

One drop is all that's needed

to kill a human in 60 minutes,

And five of those minutes have

already expired for David,

And as an EXPERIENCED snake

handler, David knows Well that

his life is hanging by a thread,

Get me there quick, 'cause

I'm having problems breathing,

I can't wait for the

ambulance, I'm too far out here

in the middle of nowhere,

Albert said more than likely

it's gonna cause paralysis

inside of an hour, and I'll be

at respiratory failure inside of

an hour,

Every second feels like


Every minute feels like hours,

I got this big, black spot

starting to grow within five

minutes, and it feels like a

knife's jabbing me,

I try not to, like, think of how

bad it was,

It's been only ten minutes,

and already the cobra bite is

growing, beginning to eat a

half-Dollar-Sized hole in his


As we're going, it's like,

all right, now the traffic's

coming, it's 8:00 at night, I'm

like, all right, there's too

many cars,

I'm like, forget the red lights,

Don't stop,

Red lights do not exist when

you're dying from cobra bites,

27 minutes after the bite,

David makes it to the hospital,

Dizzy, nauseous, and with his

kidneys failing, David fights to

stay conscious as he waits for

the antivenom to be flown in

from over 200 miles away,

I'm dead,

I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead,

I got... All these things are

going through my head, and

finally after the antivenom got

there, and these guys stood by

my side, like, up until I was

showing recovery signs,

David held off death that

night, But his painful recovery

took months, and taught him new

respect for the mighty cobra,

I know that I don't ever

wanna relive anything like that

ever again,