1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 11 - Death: A User's Manual - full transcript

1000 Ways to Die looks at the following cases: "#117 Gut Busted" a man with serious gas dies after his girlfriend bursts his stomach with a punch, "#417 DestRoid" an amateur bodybuilder dies of a heart attack at the gym while using steroids, "#78 Text Dead" a woman who is texting is run over by a car driven by the man who is texting her, "#210 Pissed Off" a golfer is bitten by a rat that crawled up his pants leg and dies of Weil's syndrome, "#222 Car Jacked" a car thief gets caught hanging upside down on a rope and dies of a stroke, and "#201 Blown Job" an intoxicated clown is accidentally smothered to death when an enormous balloon inflates inside a car he is driving. It also looks at a horrific multiple motorcycle accident in Mexico City.

Death can be a real hoot as

long as you're not the one


you'll bust a gut at the guy

who goes belly-Up after his

belly blows up,

How about the two texters who

get their signals crossed?

In golf, a Birdie's good,

But a rat?


Then there's the clown who's

more Boozer than bozo,

It's all about laughing in the

face of death on 1,000 ways to


Death is everywhere,

Most of us try to avoid it,

Others can't get out of its way,

every day we fight a new war

against germs, toxins, injury,

illness, and catastrophe,

There's a lot of ways to wind up


The fact that we survive at all

is a Miracle,

Because every day we live

we face 1,000 ways to die,

You guys doing okay?

Dave "the egg" Restucci was

your basic big-Eating,

big-Drinking slob,



Come on,

In other words, he was a guy,

It's a wonder he could attract

fleas, let alone a woman,

But here was Audrey, his new



Never known for his table


today Dave was really letting

it fly,

Audrey was mortified,


All she wanted was a nice


not a trip to the zoo,

But something was wrong,

belching is caused by

Swallowing air or Drinking

carbonated beverages,

The air is expelled back out as

a burp,

Dave's problem?

The dozen or so peptic ulcers

he's got brewing down below,

They've started to bleed out,

His frat-Boy diet is about to

catch up to him,

Ulcers are like scabs that

you get in your stomach,

They're very similar to just

sores on your skin except the

sore is in the lining of your


It would be like having a cut on

your skin that was trying to

heal but it couldn't heal 'cause

you kept pouring battery acid on

top of it all the time,

This guy was a time bomb waiting

to explode,

come on,

Come on, let's get this over


Dave convinces Audrey to

punch him in the gut, thinking

this might solve the problem,

I mean, are you sure?

Yeah, just right...

Are you positive?

All right, I guess I'll do it


when his girlfriend popped

him, it ruptured his stomach

like a balloon would rupture and

all of the contents of his

stomach spilled out into his

body cavity,

Dave hit the table like a

beached whale...and croaked,

Mike Arms was an amateur

bodybuilder who had dreams of

going pro,

But no matter how hard he worked

out, he wasn't getting big

enough fast enough,

he decided to take the plunge

and hit the juice,

Even though He was fully aware

of the hazards, Mike's obsession

with bulking up drove him to

stick a needle into himself

every day,

The combination of anabolic

steroids and human growth

hormone gave him a rush of

incredible power and size,

But under his huge chest, Mike

was paying an even bigger price,

Things like anabolic steroids

and human growth hormones have a

lot of bad effects on the heart,

You can develop a heart that is


The term for that we use is

called cardiomyopathy,

Cardio means "Heart,"

Myopathy means "Abnormal heart


juiced up and full of roid

rage, Mike hit the gym like a

man possessed,

Early baldness, shrunken

testicles, and a cholesterol

count through the roof were a

small price to pay for a bigger,

badder Mike,

But while his body was getting

pumped up on the outside, it was

breaking down on the inside,

in this country, 300,000 or

400,000 people die suddenly

every year,

The majority of the people that

die suddenly, the bottom of

their heart, or the ventricle,

gets out of rhythm,

It's stopped pumping and if the

paramedics weren't able to come

quickly enough to shock him back

to normal, then he died because

of the abnormal heart rhythm,

Mike's obsession with his

body cost him his life,

just blame it on the juice,

Coming up, these two texters

never got the message,

Watch out!

And a golfer has a rough time of

it and has a stroke,

our next tale of life

interrupted concerns an

obsession that's spreading

faster than the flu in winter,


Chet and Tricia were no

different than any other


They spent most of their waking

hours heads buried in their

"crackberries" And cell phones,


Most of the social darwinism

cases sort of revolve around

individual's behavior,

But what you here see is the

availability of a technology

which creates ability for a big

group of people to do things

that they haven't been doing


Chet was on his way to meet

Tricia, arguing by Text over

where to pick her up in his

half-Ton pickup,



people get lulled into a

sense they can do pretty much

anything in a car because most

of the time nothing happens,


Chet thought that he could

text away while driving,

That was dangerous,

Most of those drivers are

driving in a way that when

certain factors come together,

they're in an irreversible


Tricia thought she could walk

and text, never looking up from

the screen,

That was stupid,

We all know what happens when

stupid meets dangerous,

what the hell was that?

Right now we are sort of in

this experimental phase where a

technology has emerged and

unfortunately some people will

lose their lives because they

don't necessarily adapt or they

use the technology


And so there's a particular

social dimension in this kind of

social darwinism,

and so ends another modern


irishmen Patty and Nick Have two

passions in life,

Golfing and drinking,

Not necessarily in that order,

On a vacation to the United

States, these two mates proved

to be much better drinkers than

they were golfers,

It's bad grass,

That's what it is,

Golfers are going to the golf

course to play well,

They wanna have a good time and

playing a good round of golf is

fairly enjoyable,

But when you do start to slice

the ball and it's going very far

off-Line, yes, you're gonna

either lose it or get in some

brush and who knows what's gonna


When Patty hit an errant shot

into the rough, things got a lot

rougher when a rat ran up his

pants leg,


get out, get out!

Out, out, oh!

Oh, geez,

The rat took off But not

before leaving Patty a big, wet


You've pissed yourself, man!

It wasn't me,

It was some kind of bear,

possum, or rat or something,

Patty eventually calmed down

and the two finished their


But the duffer's demise has

already begun,

If you get peed on by a rat

and you have a break in the skin

and it's allowed to get in

there, then, yes, it would be

possible to get infected that


It's a bacteria that gets into

your body and then it reproduces

and spreads throughout your body

and that's what makes you sick,

After a week back in Ireland,

Patty's health takes a nasty


He's been infected with a deadly

bacteria known as leptospirosis,

Most people who get infected

with leptospirosis, their immune

system will kick in and will get

rid of it,

A few people will get a more

severe form called Weil's


Weil's disease attacked

Patty's major organs,

First, a liver already suffering

from a lifetime of pub crawling,

His kidneys went next,

Very often, by the time the

person is sick enough to come

into the hospital, sick enough

to get started on the

antibiotics, the damage has

already been done,

It ended with Patty fading

fast, not feeling up to par,



He hit into the Hazard and

wound up taking a stroke,

Next up, a thief goes to great

lengths to steal a car,

Just not far enough,

And a clown hits the hooch and

then runs into a hitch,

For renowned chef Tom

boardwell, the only thing he

loved more than food was driving

his 1969 gto judge,

Every Sunday night, he'd pop

the top and take the kids out

for a sunset Cruise in his

Cherry ride,

But boardwell had no clue

someone else was looking to get

behind the wheel of his classic

muscle car,

Known as "the dangler" Because

of his technique, this infamous

thief specialized in making

bitching cars disappear,

The judge was next on his list,

But the mission turned


Somehow his Slack line got

tangled with his leg leaving

"the dangler" to dangle,

Sometimes life becomes a game of


The rope around his foot is just

out of his reach, while below,

"the dangler" is a mere

fingertip from his prize,

The clock begins to tick on the

inverted thief,

So what happens over time

when we hang upside down like

that, the blood pools in the

sinuses, it backs up the ability

of more blood to enter into the

brain sinuses,

The brain sinuses can't handle

that pressure,

After three hours of

struggling, his rising blood

pressure begins to creep into

the danger zone,

We get these "Venous" Or

"Vein" Hemorrhages,

These can be quite massive,

That could lead to death,

By hour 12, "the dangler" is

fading out of consciousness,

At 24 hours, the pressure level

of blood pooling in the brain

builds to a point of no return,

So this guy most likely died

from a series of strokes that

result from venous hemorrhages,

So his veins can't handle that


They start to blow open,

As they blow open they impair

the ability of the blood to come

in and they cause strokes all

over certain areas of the brain,

Quite quickly, once the first

stroke started to happen or the

first hemorrhages in the eye,

things went downhill,

It's still a few days away

from the owner's Sunday joyride,

Until then, "the dangler's" just

going to have to hang out,

Fred Garfield, aka "laughy the

clown," is on his way to his

1,523rd kiddie party,

He wishes more than anything it

was his last,

15 years of hard clown time has

taken its toll on Fred,

It was time to wipe off the

makeup, take off the wig, and

pop off the nose forever,

The only worthwhile part of his

act involved a giant balloon he

called "Ally gator,"

But he just wanted to pull the

plug on the whole thing,

The only thing Fred really

Enjoyed was drinking himself

into a coma,

It was ironic he even became a


As a child, they scared the hell

out of him,

A condition called coulrophobia,

Probably most phobias are

formed somewhere along the way

when someone has a traumatic

experience of some kind and

they've simply started to

ruminate on it and magnify it in

their mind,

It could form the basis for...

You know, for a fear that grew

over time,

What happens next isn't


It's fatal,

Fred jerks to a stop,

The co2 tank used to inflate the

balloon slams into the back of

his car,

The valve opens and the balloon

begins to inflate,

Up front, Fred is finishing off

his flask of kiddie courage,

He's too drunk to notice the

growing threat behind,

Fred panics,

His arms pinned, unable to reach

the door handle,

Ally gator squeezes the life out

of the helpless clown,

If somebody was in a car with

a giant balloon...

They would have pressure on the

chest, which is basically not

allowing them expand the chest

to breathe,

A person can suffocate pretty


If they're deprived of oxygen

for over six to seven minutes,

they will lose consciousness and

their brain will start to die,

There's nothing more pathetic

than a drunken clown...

Except maybe a dead, drunken


At least for Fred, clown time is


when we come back, a tv producer

captures a grisly scene of


The freeways of mexico city

were the backdrop for a video

shoot featuring soap opera

heartthrobs on motorcycles,

But in front of three cameras,

the scene quickly became the

highway from hell,

It's one of the most gruesome

crashes ever caught on camera,

And a memory that still haunts

producer Sergio Mayer,

We knew that we had good

shots for that video and we were

just almost finished,

Just... I think it was gonna be

just five more minutes,

That decision proved costly,

One of the bikes stalls,

The other riders slow down,

Out of nowhere, a large sedan

comes speeding at the Troupe

from behind,

I remembered that I have a

Van at my left with the door

open with a camera and I was

talking to them when a car's

coming by at about 80 miles an


I hear that noise,

That noise that I'm never gonna,

uh, forget in my life,

And it feel like it was very

slow motion when it was


And I remembered that I saw a

bike passing by my side and goes

"Pow" and hit the Van,

My friends were at the floor


And the bikes...

There were no bikes,

There were only pieces of bikes,

Sergio was the only member of

the group to come out of the

crash without a scratch,

One of his friends was not so


The first ambulance arrived

and at the ambulance he was,

like, making his last, um,


And then he started...

He stopped to breathe,

In hindsight, Sergio feels

like an Angel was sent to him in

the form of a telephone call

from his son just before the


He was five-Years old and he

called me and tell me, "you

can't leave without my bless,"

and I know that that bless...

God was with me...

uh, because I could be the one

that died that night,

The brush with death and the

ability to review the tape of it

from many angles, has altered

Sergio's outlook on life,

Nothing touched me,

The bikes, the bodies, the


Nothing touched me,

Call it whatever you want,

But I know there is something

special and I know that I have

some special thing to do here,

it's original,