1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 10 - Cure for the Common Death - full transcript

1000 Ways to Die looks at the following cases: "#77 Red, White and Blew" a man accidentally shoots himself in the face with a homemade firecracker on the fourth of July, "#756 Bank Ruptured" a man with pica disorder dies when he eats too many metal objects, "#66 Guitar Zeros" two heavy metal fans in China fall out of a window while head banging, "#196 Radium Girls" a woman dies of cancer after painting herself with glow-in-the-dark radium paint, "#638 Oz Holed" two Ozzy Osborn fans die after trying to snort fire ants, and "#710 Tanked Girl" a deep sea diver dies when someone accidentally opens a decompression chamber. It also looks at the case of a skydiver who survived a mid-air collision with another skydiver.

If you only had a half an

hour left to live, how should

you spend it?


By Watching this episode of

1,000 ways to die?


We've got a good ol' boy who

doesn't use his head...

he loses it,


a couple of chinese


Two ozzy fans with a nose for



And a deep-Sea diver who came

up for air...

Way too fast,

Death... It's a disease,

And we have the cure...

1,000 ways to die,

Death is everywhere,

Most of us try to avoid it,

others can't get out of its way,

Every day we fight a new war

against germs, toxins, injury,

illness, and catastrophe,

There's a lot of ways to wind up


The fact that we survive at all

is a Miracle,

Because every day we live, we

face 1,000 ways to die,

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

Happy birthday, America,

All: Yeah,

It's the fourth of july,

Now, hurry up and cook me a

hot dog,

all across the country,

citizens are celebrating their

nation's birthday the best way

they know how,


Watch this, old Bernie got a

trick for ya,

...by getting hammered,

Shut up,

Shut up,

The beer hammer dropped on

Bernie and his buddies long

before the sun went down,


With these knuckleheads,

stupid is a vocation,

Bernie is about to show why,

I got a fourth of july for


Bernie has been planning the

mother of all firecrackers for


Oh, boy,

a homemade fireworks

launcher, and a crudely made


Look what ol' Bernie's got

for y'all,




homemade firecrackers!


Bernie Had combined ENOUGH

Cherry bombs to equal the

explosive power of a stick of


He clearly was not aware of the

reason why there's a federal law

banning homemade Bombs since



That firework probably acted

as a very strong, very forceful

projectile, almost like a small

cannonball taken in at a close


So if you can imagine a small

cannonball hitting you in the

face at greater than 300 miles

per hour, that can cause some

pretty significant damage,


Hey, Bernie!

Besides Being severely

burned, Bernie's face shattered

from the impact, and his brain

Rattled inside his cranium,

causing fatal hemorrhaging,

Hey, Bernie,

Hey, Bernie!

Every fourth of july,

fireworks accidents fill

emergency rooms around the


Bernie managed to skip that

part, and went straight to the


Of all the stories that have

passed through the 1,000 ways to

dieresearch department, this

one wins the medal of weirdness,

Pierre, a 32-year-Old frenchman,

has something called pica

syndrome, a very bizarre eating


Pica syndrome is a disorder

in Which someone craves or eats

non-Food items, such as soil,

dirt, clay, lead, paint, glass,

you name it,

For reasons unknown, Pierre's

favorite snack was money,

Metal coins,

His brother tried to stop him,

but Pierre was resourceful,

He would scour the house for any

loose change, and scarf it down,

They do not know how to

distinguish between food and

non-Food items, and what's

readily available are metal


Coins, or bracelets, or

necklaces, or something of the


even the dog wasn't safe,

Oh, ahh...

over several weeks, the pain

builds in Pierre's stomach to

the point where he's forced to

go to the hospital,

there's catastrophic damage

to Pierre's digestive system,

The metal could not be passed

through the intestines,

The weight built up until the

stomach was forced against the

base of his pelvis,

Doctors at the hospital

performed emergency surgery,

But it was too late,

They discovered the metal

objects in Pierre's stomach had

begun RIPPING open large veins

and arteries,

Eventually, his entire blood

supply drained out into his


Basically, the stomach had to

be surgically removed from this

man's body, and before they were

able to either create a New

stomach or heal him, he passed

away in the hospital,

Pica syndrome affects around

200,000 people in the United


Once it starts, it's difficult

to cure,

So far, the only way to stop it

permanently is death,

Next up...

Two chinese metalheads go off

the deep end,



is it kind of sexy?

Historical babes light up the


♪ ♪

in today's world, many

speak the universal language of

rock music,

Beijing youths Lee and feng were

no exception,

I think the young people in

China were attracted to heavy

metal music, uh, for many of the

same reasons as anywhere,

It's the... the power of the

music, the energy of it, you

know, and, uh, the culture,

By day they lived lives of

quiet desperation, working in a

factory, making cheap plastic

toys for export to the west,

But at night, heavy metal was

their Muse, and their small,

seven-By-Seven concrete

apartment became a 60,000-Seat


And every night, they brought

the house down,


Each Axl Rose scream, every

Pete townshend classic windmill

move, brought them closer and

closer to rock and roll nirvana,


In that moment, for that

person, there is no logical


It's just all emotion and


And I think these two... they

probably were not thinking very


One night, after banging

every groupie on their magic

bus, after smashing Their air

guitars into pieces, there was

only one thing left...

the encore,


whether a sacrifice to the

gods of rock, or just catching

his knockoff nike on the edge of

the bed, Lee took his last stage

dive out the sixth-Story window,

feng can't bear the thought of

breaking up the band,

He gives one last chinese

warlord scream...

and follows his rock and roll

brother out the window,


I think whatever band that

they were listening to should

dedicate the next album to them,

Confucius once said, "music

produces a pleasure which human

nature can't do without,"

Unfortunately, China will have

to do without Lee and feng,

In the 1920s, women were often

hired to perform tasks DEEMED

TOO delicate or menial for men,

That's how Wendy got hired onto

an all-Female work crew at

radium corporation, a new jersey

company that made military

watches and clocks,

Wendy and her coworkers were

given the job of painting the

numerals on watch faces,

They used a new kind of paint

called "Undark,"

The glow-in-the-Dark fluid

that they were using to paint

the faces of the watch... The

reason that it glows is because

it's radioactive, and it's a

compound called radium,

What causes problems... And for

this woman, was that she

probably ingested it,

This kind of detail work was


To keep the tip of their

paintbrushes pointed, the ladies

were taught to wipe excess paint

off on their lips,

The radium girls discovered

undark had a hidden benefit,

Lips, ladies, lips,

They could apply it to each

other and literally make

themselves radiate,

Once it's in the body, it

mimics calcium, and so your body

incorporates it into bone, and

so a lot of these women ended up

getting bone cancer,

But it would also cause damage

anywhere that it came in


If they were ingesting it,

it would cause damage in the

stomach and the intestines, the

throat, the tongue, mouth...

Wendy thought it would be fun

to use her new look to light up

her sex life,


Isn't it kind of sexy?

Why don't you get over here,

you little glow worm,

numerous times, Wendy and her

husband played Peek-a-boo with

the magic paint,

But before long, they realized

that something about this

cutting-Edge technology was

making Wendy bleed in the most

bizarre places,

Radiation causes dna damage,

It'll cause mutations, and

that's why when the radium is

incorporated into bone, it has a

long time to sit there and

damage the soft tissue layer

inside the bone, and that can

lead to cancer... To bone cancer,

It turns out the company knew

all along about the harmful

effects of radium, yet they

allowed the girls to ingest it


Wendy was one of the first to


But six of her colleagues banded

together in the first successful

worker's rights lawsuit,

Overcoming years of denial and

foul play, the radium girls led

to higher safety standards

across America,

Coming up...

a sexy scuba diver can't take

the pressure,

and, snorting fire ants...

that's gotta hurt,



This next story is a warning

to all who worship false gods,

It can be extremely hazardous to

your health,

Taylor and Conrad's deity?

Ozzy osbourne,

Oz, man,


To say they are ozzy fans

does a huge disservice to their

complete obsession with the

aging rocker,


They live...


They breathe, they eat,

Oz burgers!

Oz burgers!

'cause they're, like, baked

like oz,

Their commitment to ozzy

knows no bounds,

I love oz So much,

I'd do ozzy,

But not, like, in a gay way,

You know, just, like...

I would do him in a gay way,

Yeah, that's cool,

Both: One, two, oz!

Today's the big day,

Ozzfest is in town,

And Taylor has a special treat

for his friend,

Guess what it is,

Guess what it is,

I know, I know, right,


Rock and roll legend has it

that ozzy and Nikki sixx once

snorted a line of ants to show

just how hardcore they were,

It's ants, man!

Fire ants, man,

The decision to snort

ants... From all the things you

could enact from ozzy osbourne...

This probably was not the best

thing to go for, to begin with,

It would be almost a punishment

if there wasn't any social

darwinism involved, and there

wasn't some kind of a

consequence involved,

Oh, dude,


Nikki Sixx?

Yeah, Nikki sixx, ozzy, ozzy,



Taylor and Conrad wanna be

hardcore too,

A couple of lines of fire ants

should do the trick,


No, I'm gonna take one, I'm

gonna take it... Here we go,



As soon as you snort up the

fire ants into your nose, the

first thing they'll do is bite,


And immediately upon biting,

they sting,

They'll inject as much venom as

they can,

They are very, very pissed off,

And rightly so,

God, what is that?


That will cause intense pain,

hence the headbanging,

Lots of drooling, lots of

screaming, wrenching of the

eyes, trying to clear the nose


You gotta have very long things

to get the ants out of your

nose, and that's just not gonna


Then the swelling starts,

That'll start closing up the


You can't breathe,

The trachea starts to close up,

Suffocation follows,



Stupid bastards,

A couple hundred fire ants won't

necessarily kill you, but if you

inhale them into your nasal

cavity and down your throat, you

can't breathe, you die,

A couple of big jerks,


stay, stay,

This shapely redhead looks

like she's ready for her next

tanning session,

But looks can be deceiving,

Sandy is a deep sea diver,

A few hours ago, she narrowly

escaped death after her air

tanks failed at a depth of 350


She had to make an emergency

swim to the surface,

As any diver knows, this could

bring on a fatal attack of the


When we go down underwater,

we're absorbing more nitrogen

into our bodies,

The air that we're breathing

here, just in the atmosphere, is

about 20% oxygen, about 80%


So it would be like shaking up a

soda bottle and trying to open

it up very quickly if you come

up to the surface really fast,

Now she's in a decompression

chamber, waiting it out while

the deadly nitrogen Bubbles

slowly dissolve back into her


If you're down at, say, 100

feet, and you come up nice and

slow, the gas is gonna be slowly

expelled from the... the blood

through the lungs, and you can

exhale it out,

It's going to be hours before

she can exit the chamber,

But she's lucky to be alive, and

she knows it,

She'll take boredom over death

any day,

Unfortunately, the Grim reaper

had other plans for this sexy

scuba goddess,

A maintenance worker at the

scuba center accidentally opens

the Hatch to the decompression



In a nanosecond, Sandy goes

from sexy...

to splattered,

All over the chamber,

If, uh, you were to go from

seven atmospheres to one

atmosphere in the blink of an

eye, it's pretty much a done


It's... It's over,

Up next, an unlucky skydiver

takes a really bad fall,

Can you hear me?

Did you ever have the urge to

try skydiving?

If so, you better not watch this


Chris Colwell was a veteran

skydive teacher making a routine

jump, videotaping one of his


It was different than a

regular routine day,

Uh, it was more a little bit fun

for me because it was... I hadn't

been jumping in a while,

I was also trying to give him

some skills... Some extra skills,

uh, to help him,

2,000 feet into the jump,

Chris sees his student using the

wrong posture, slicing through

the air, down and away from


Chris goes into a power dive to

catch up, quickly reaching 165

miles per hour,

But the student put his arms out

to slow down at the worst


Chris's neck snapped upon


Actual collision happened

very fast,

I- I realized I was still falling

to the earth, and I started to

have some thoughts of my life

ending and I was visualizing my

wife at the time, and friends

and good times that I had, and

at one point I just sort of let


And I could see the green of the

earth coming up to my side,

I pretty much accepted I was

dying and I let go at that

point, and abruptly my parachute

opened up, and it was very

unexpected, but it opened up


Chris, can you hear me?


Chris's body will never be

the same,

Help me,

Help m...


Be still, we've got help on

the way,

Please help me,

But he's alive,

The accident took away his body,

but it revealed that Chris had

the mental strength to embrace a

new lease on life,

I tend to spend most of my

life now focusing on Helping

others live their lives versus

not living my life,

And that's basically

where... where I'm at and what

I've learned from my life now,

is that, uh, life doesn't end

because you lose a part of your