1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 1 - Life Will Kill You - full transcript

THE HUMAN BODY
IS REMARKABLY RESILIENT.

¶ ¶

EVERYDAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR
AGAINST GERMS,

TOXINS, INJURY,

ILLNESS, CATASTROPHE,
AND CALAMITY.

THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE
AT ALL IS A MIRACLE...

BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

SO YOUR PARENTS KNOW
WE'RE COMING TONIGHT, RIGHT?

ON A BEAUTIFUL SPRING MORNING,

JEFF STEWART AND JESSICA BARON



WERE MAKING THEIR WAY
TO LAS VEGAS

TIE THE KNOT.

WHAT IF YOUR MOM
DOESN'T LIKE ME?

WAIT, TWO SUGARS
AND TWO CREAMS, ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.
THANKS.

BUT AS THEY CLOWNED AROUND
AT A REST STOP,

THEY HAD NO IDEA THEIR DAY

WAS ABOUT TO COME UNDONE.

GET THAT OUT OF MY FACE.

STOP!

PLEASE?
PLEASE, COME ON.

LET'S JUST GET IN THE CAR
AND GO.

WE'RE SO CLOSE.

WHILE MUGGING FOR
THEIR VIDEO CAMERA,



THE YOUNG COUPLE HEARD
A TERRIBLE SCREAMING.

AAH!

JUST TAKE IT EASY, MAN!

IT WAS COMING FROM BEHIND
THE SEMI TRUCK

THAT HAD JUST PULLED
TO A STOP.

MY GOD!

WHAT THEY SAW WAS SOMETHING

THAT WILL HAUNT THEM
FOREVER:

A MAN, TORN IN TWO,
CLINGING TO LIFE.

AAH!

FRANK SORIANI HAD BEEN
UNDER HIS PICKUP TRUCK

FIXING A BROKEN MUFFLER.

THE DRIVER OF THE SEMI
DIDN'T SEE FRANK

LYING ON THE GROUND BELOW
AND RAN HIM OVER,

SEVERING HIS LOWER BODY
FROM HIS UPPER TORSO.

REMARKABLY, THE POOR MAN
WAS STILL ALIVE.

IN BODIES THAT ARE SEVERED
IN HALF

OR BLOWN IN HALF--

YOU SEE THAT A LOT
WITH WAR VICTIMS.

YOU SEE IT WITH PEOPLE
WHO GET RUN OVER BY A TRAIN

AND IT CUTS THEM IN HALF.

AS LONG AS YOU HAVE
A COMPLETE CIRCULATION OF BLOOD

IN YOUR BODY, YOU SHOULD
SURVIVE IT.

IF YOU CUT OFF YOUR LEGS,

THE CIRCULATION CAN STILL TRAVEL
DOWN THE AORTA

AND GO BACK UP TO THE HEART.

IT CAN BYPASS THE LEGS
WITH NO PROBLEM.

WITH FRANK STILL KICKING,
MORE OR LESS,

PARAMEDICS ARRIVE
TO TRANSPORT

BOTH HALVES OF HIS BODY

TO A LOCAL TRAUMA CENTER.

IN A TWIST OF FATE,

EMT CREWS LOST AN HOUR

BECAUSE EACH HALF WAS SENT
TO A DIFFERENT HOSPITAL.

DOCTORS SPENT SEVERAL HOURS

TRYING TO SAVE SORIANI'S LIFE,

BUT HE FINALLY EXPIRED

AN INCREDIBLE 31/2 HOURS
AFTER THE ACCIDENT OCCURRED.

ON SEPTEMBER 10TH, 1945,

LLOYD OLSON CHOPPED OFF
THE HEAD OF A CHICKEN

FOR THAT NIGHT'S DINNER.

TO HIS SURPRISE,

THE CHICKEN REMAINED ALIVE
FOR 18 MORE MONTHS.

LLOYD HAD CUT OFF THE HEAD

BUT MUCH OF THE BRAIN STEM
REMAINED INTACT.

MIKE THE HEADLESS CHICKEN

WAS FED GRAIN AND WATER
THROUGH AN EYE DROPPER.

THIS HOLE, BOSS, RIGHT?

THIS IS THE ONE.

MILOS DUDEK,
A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN IMMIGRANT

FELT LIKE A VERY LUCKY MAN.

HOW DEEP YOU WANT?

YOU WANT DEEPER?

BRAND NEW TO THIS COUNTRY

WITH A WIFE AND BABY
TO SUPPORT,

HIS CONSTRUCTION JOB
WAS HIS LIFELINE.

MILOS WAS A MODEL EMPLOYEE,

IF THERE EVER WAS ONE.

TIM MCNAMARA, ON THE OTHER HAND,

WAS A MODEL FOR DISASTER.

MORE OFTEN THAN NOT,
HE WOULD SHOW UP

NURSING A MAJOR HANGOVER.

TODAY, HE TOOK THE WHEEL
OF HIS DUMP TRUCK

FLAT-OUT DRUNK.

SOMETIMES BAD THINGS HAPPEN
TO GOOD PEOPLE.

AS TIM BACKED UP HIS TRUCK

FILLED WITH THREE TONS
OF SAND,

MILOS HAD NO IDEA
THE CRUSHING BLOW

FATE WAS ABOUT TO DEAL HIM.

WITHIN SECONDS,
MILOS DISAPPEARED

UNDER THREE TONS OF SAND.

HIS COWORKERS RUSH
TO HIS RESCUE

AND QUICKLY UNCOVERED HIS HEAD,

ALLOWING HIM TO BREATHE.

THEY THOUGHT THEY HAD SAVED HIM.

JIMMY, SAY SOMETHING!

IF YOU'VE GOT ALL THIS WEIGHT
CRUSHING IN ON YOU

AROUND YOUR CHEST CAVITY,

THERE'S NO WAY THAT YOUR CHEST
CAN EXPAND

BECAUSE THE WEIGHT OF THE SAND

WOULD PUSH YOUR CHEST CAGE IN.

AS YOU LET AIR OUT,

THE INCREASE THE PRESSURE

SO YOU CAN'T OPEN YOUR LUNGS.

HE WOULD GET CLOSER
AND CLOSER TO DEATH

WITH EVERY BREATH.

THE ONLY WAY THEY COULD'VE
SAVED HIM

WOULD'VE BEEN TO HAVE REALLY
DUG FAST

AND GOTTEN THE SAND AWAY
FROM HIS CHEST CAGE.

UNABLE TO TAKE A BREATH,

MILOS WAS DYING
OF SOMETHING CALLED

CRUSH ASPHYXIA,

A MEDICAL TERM TO DESCRIBE

THE CONSTRICTION
OF THE LUNGS

BY COMPRESSING THE TORSO.

UNFORTUNATELY THIS WOULDN'T
HAPPEN VERY QUICKLY.

HE WOULD BE AWARE
OF WHAT'S GOING ON

FOR PROBABLY A FEW MINUTES.

ACTUALLY IT WOULD BE
A PRETTY HORRIBLE WAY TO DIE.

WHAT DO YOU GET
WHEN YOU MIX

A COUPLE OF GOOD OL' BOYS,

TOO MANY BEERS, AND A SMALL
ARSENAL OF FIREARMS?

YOUR BASIC HILLBILLY HOLIDAY.

BUT THESE GUYS GOT MORE
THAN THEY BARGAINED FOR.

IN A WORLD WHERE THERE'S
1,000 WAYS TO DIE,

THIS ONE STRIKES YOU
WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.

BOBBY JOE AND DARRYL
WERE TWO BROTHERS

LOOKING TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM.

WHAT BETTER WAY THAN
TO JUMP INTO YOUR PICKUP TRUCK,

GO OUT IN THE MIDDLE
OF NOWHERE,

AND SHOOT OF SOME GUNS.

OTHER THAN THE BRAIN-CRIPPLING
HANGOVER THEY WERE FACING

NOBODY GETS HURT AND THEY GET
A DAYS' WORTH OF LAUGHS.

THINGS WERE GOING ACCORDING
TO PLAN

UNTIL DARRYL DECIDED
TO SCARE THE PANTS

OFF HIS LITTLE BROTHER.

JESUS!

BOBBY JOE HIT THE GROUND

AND WAS DEAD WITHIN MINUTES...

BUT NOT FROM A GUNSHOT WOUND.

BOBBY HAD THE BAD LUCK

TO FALL ON TOP
OF A RATTLESNAKE,

WHO DUG HIS FANGS
INTO BOBBY'S CHEST

AND RELEASED HIS VENOM
JUST ABOVE HIS HEART.

MY NAME IS JULES SYLVESTER

AND THIS IS ENOUGH
RATTLESNAKE VENOM

TO KILL OVER A DOZEN PEOPLE.

95% OF THE PEOPLE
GETTING BITTEN BY SNAKES,

THEY'RE UNDER 27 YEARS OLD,

THEY'RE WITH THEIR BUDDIES,

THEY'VE HAD A COUPLE OF BEERS,

AND THEY THINK
THEY'RE HOT STUFF.

AND THE SNAKE SAYS,
"NO, YOU'RE NOT.

I'LL KILL YOU."

READY?
SAY ""

JESUS CHRIST.

VERY PISSED OFF.

SEE THE DROPS THERE?

TEN DROPS CAME OUT
OF ONE FANG ALONE.

ALL IT TAKES IS ONE DROP
TO KNOCK YOU ON YOUR BUTT.

THE FANGS ARE HOLLOW

JUST LIKE A HYPODERMIC.

AND IT'S A PERFECT DESIGN.

THEY'LL GO IN, STAB, SQUIRT,

AND PULL OUT IN A FRACTION
OF A SECOND.

THEY'RE VERY, VERY FAST.

RATTLESNAKE VENOM CAN CAUSE
MAJOR DAMAGE

THROUGHOUT THE BODY,

DESTROYING TISSUE
AND ORGANS

AND DISRUPTS BLOOD CLOTTING.

SEVERE ENVENOMATION COMBINED

WITH DELAYED OR INEFFECTIVE
TREATMENT

CAN LEAD TO THE LOSS
OF A LIMB

AND ULTIMATELY DEATH.

SO IF YOU'RE A DRUNKEN
REDNECK

AND YOU SPENT THE WHOLE DAY
OUT IN THE HOT SUN

DRINKING, LIKE, 12 BEERS
AND SHOOTING OFF GUNS

AND YOU FALL ON A SNAKE

AND YOU BASICALLY JUST GOT BIT,

WHAT DO YOU THINK'S
GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND?

OUR FATHER WHICH ART IN HEAVEN,

HALLOWED BE THY NAME--

THAT'S ABOUT IT.

NOT GONNA MAKE IT, MATE.

TECHNICALLY, RATTLESNAKES
ARE NOT POISONOUS;

THEY ARE VENOMOUS,

DELIVERING THEIR TOXIN
DIRECTLY INTO THE BLOODSTREAM.

A POISON IS INGESTED.

YOU COULD ACTUALLY DRINK
A VIAL OF RATTLESNAKE VENOM

AND FEEL NO ILL EFFECTS.

THE GIRL IN RED
IS LAURIE PATHAUSEN.

AFTER A STRING
OF BAD RELATIONSHIPS,

LAURIE'S READY TO SWEAR OFF MEN
ALTOGETHER.

MY GOD.

YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN HIM.

I'M TELLING YOU.

SHE'S DECIDED TO SATISFY

A BISEXUAL CURIOSITY
THAT HAS CONSUMED HER

SINCE JUNIOR HIGH.

MY GOD.
MY FEET ARE KILLING ME.

IF IT WASN'T FOR
THE FOUR-INCH STILETTOS

THAT HAD BEEN PINCHING HER FEET
SINCE THE EVENING BEGAN--

THAT FEELS SO MUCH BETTER.

TONIGHT MIGHT WELL HAVE BEEN
A FIRST FOR LAURIE.

INSTEAD, IT WOULD BE
HER LAST.

BEFORE CROSSING THE STREET,

LAURIE STEPS INTO A SHALLOW
PUDDLE

NEXT TO A TRAFFIC POLE.

SHE DOESN'T SEE
THE EXPOSED WIRES

AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POLE.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW
THEY WERE FEEDING

THOUSANDS OF VOLTS
OF RAW CURRENT INTO THE WATER.

THE FACT THAT SHE WAS STANDING
IN A PUDDLE OF WATER

INCREASED HER CONDUCTIVITY
FOR AN ELECTRICAL SHOCK.

THE FACT THAT SHE WAS BAREFOOT

GREATLY INCREASED
HER PROBABILITY

THAT SHE WOULD BE SHOCKED
VERY SEVERELY.

LAURIE IS ABOUT TO LEARN

A SCIENTIFIC TRUTH
THE HARD WAY.

WET SKIN HAS TEN TIMES
THE CONDUCTIVITY OF DRY.

BY PLACING HER HAND
ON THE METAL POLE,

LAURIE BECOMES A HUMAN CIRCUIT.

BASICALLY WHAT HAPPENED
TO HER

IS THAT SHE COMPLETED
AN ELECTRICAL CIRCUIT.

IF THE LIGHT POLE WAS MADE
OF METAL,

IT'S GROUNDED OF COURSE

'CAUSE IT'S MOUNTED
IN THE GROUND.

SO SHE COMPLETED
AN ELECTRICAL CIRCUIT

THAT CAUSED ENOUGH CURRENT
TO PASS THROUGH HER BODY

FROM HER FEET THROUGH HER HANDS

WHERE SHE WAS TOUCHING
THE POLE

THAT CAUSED DEFIBRILLATION
OF THE HEART,

WHICH MEANS THE HEART STOPS
BASICALLY.

THERE'S ENOUGH CURRENT
AND ENOUGH VOLTAGE THERE

THAT CAUSED ELECTROCUTION.

SO SHE DIED OF ELECTRICAL SHOCK.

MEET MARK VOGEL...

OR WHAT'S LEFT OF HIM.

AS PARAMEDICS CARRY
HIS DECOMPOSED BODY

OUT OF HIS SUBURBAN PARIS
HOME,

IS IMPORTANT NOT TO FEEL PITY
FOR HIS LOST SOUL.

THIS DEATH SHOULD BE FILED
UNDER

"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME
WAS HE THINKING?"

MR. VOGEL WAS A CLASSIC RECLUSE,

PREFERRING THE CREEPY
AND THE CRAWLY

OVER HIS FELLOW MAN.

MARK MADE A MEAGER LIVING

DEALING SNAKES, LIZARDS,
AND INSECTS

ON THE SHADY BLACK MARKET
FOR EXOTIC PETS.

THESE CREATURES WERE
HIS COMFORT

AND CONSTANT COMPANIONS.

SEVERAL WERE DEADLY
AND NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.

BUT IT WAS HIS FASCINATION

FOR THE SMALLEST OF HIS FRIENDS

THAT LEAD TO HIS ULTIMATE
DEMISE.

MARK SO LOVED HIS BLACK WIDOW
SPIDER

ELVIRA.

AND HE LONGED TO BE CLOSER

TO HIS TINY FEMME FATALE.

SNAKE HANDLERS ARE OFTEN BIT
SO MANY TIMES

THEY BUILD UP AN IMMUNITY.

MARK THOUGHT HE COULD
DO THE SAME THING,

SO ONE FATEFUL DAY HE LOWERED
HIS ARM

INTO ELVIRA'S HOME AND TOOK
HER BEST SHOT.

WITHIN IN HOUR
OF BEING BIT,

MARK BEGAN EXPERIENCING
ALL THE SYMPTOMS

ASSOCIATED WITH A BLACK WIDOW
BITE,

STARTING WITH SEVERE
STOMACH PAINS.

HIS BODY WAS NOW IN A FREE FALL
OF FAILING HEALTH.

YOU'RE GONNA FEEL A LOT
OF PAIN INITIALLY

BECAUSE IT'S A VERY PAINFUL
BITE.

AND THE PAIN WILL START
TO TRACK UP THE ARM

AND GET TOWARDS MORE OF THE CORE
OF YOUR BODY.

AND THE PAIN ITSELF
WILL START TO SPREAD

THROUGHOUT THE REST
OF YOUR BODY AS WELL

AND WILL CONCENTRATE
ON A LOT

OF THE LARGE MUSCLE GROUPS
THAT YOU HAVE.

ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING
PLACES

WHERE WE SEE A LOT
OF THE PAIN AND RIGIDITY

AND STIFFNESS IS RIGHT THERE
IN THE ABDOMINAL MUSCLES.

SO SOMETIMES THESE PATIENTS
COME IN,

THEY ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE
THEY'RE HAVING APPENDICITIS

OR MAYBE A BOWEL OBSTRUCTION
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

PRIMARILY WHAT THE VENOM
CONTAINS IS A NEUROTOXIN,

SO YOU CAN GET A NUMBER
OF DIFFERENT SYMPTOMS

THAT CAN INCLUDE PAIN
AND NUMBNESS AND TINGLING

AND ALSO NAUSEA AND VOMITING
AND DIARRHEA.

ALL THESE THINGS CAN HAPPEN
AT THE SAME TIME.

A LOT OF SWEATING AS WELL

IN ADDITION TO A RACING HEART

AND VERY HIGH SPIKES
IN THEIR BLOOD PRESSURES.

SO THESE ARE THE REASONS
THAT A PATIENT

MAY ACTUALLY HAVE
A BAD OUTCOME, SUCH AS DEATH,

WHEN THEY ACTUALLY BLEED
INTO THEIR BRAIN

OR THEY ACTUALLY HAVE
A HEART ATTACK

BECAUSE OF ALL THESE OTHER
SYMPTOMS THAT APPEAR.

WE ALWAYS ADVISE THAT
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU

WHEN YOU'RE BITTEN
BY A BLACK WIDOW,

JUST GET TO THE HOSPITAL
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

MARK FOOLISHLY CHOSE
TO RIDE OUT HIS CONDITION.

A FATAL HEART ATTACK.

IN HIS DELIRIUM,

HE RELEASED HIS GRUESOME
MENAGERIE OF PETS.

IT WOULD BE TWO WEEKS
BEFORE HIS ROTTING STENCH

BROUGHT THE FRENCH POLICE
TO HIS DOOR.

IN A STROKE OF IRONY,

MARK INSURED THE SURVIVAL
OF HIS PETS

WHILE ENGINEERING
HIS OWN DEATH.

THE SNAKES, BUGS, AND LIZARDS
WERE KEPT ALIVE

BY FEEDING ON THEIR MASTER'S
LIFELESS FLESH.

AS SOON AS HE SUBJECTED
HIMSELF

TO THE BLACK WIDOW'S
DEADLY TOXIN,

LIKE THE HOURGLASS IMPRINTED
ON ITS UNDERBELLY,

MARK'S TIME BEGAN RUNNING OUT

WITH DEATH THE ONLY OUTCOME.

5,000 AMERICANS ARE TREATED
ANNUALLY

FOR SPIDER BITES.

ON AVERAGE, TWO PEOPLE DIE
EACH YEAR

FROM THE BITE OF A BLACK WIDOW.

THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS
CREATURE?

THE MOSQUITO, RESPONSIBLE
FOR 2 MILLION DEATHS PER YEAR

WORLD-WIDE.

HECTOR MADEIRA IS HERE
TO REPAIR

AN INDUSTRIAL-SIZED
CLOTHES DRYER

AT ONE OF THE LARGEST HOSPITALS

IN THE LOS ANGELES AREA.

I'M GONNA GET IN THERE.
COULD YOU HIT THE POWER?

FOLLOWING SAFETY PROCEDURE,

HECTOR HAS HIS PARTNER
KILL THE BREAKER

BEFORE CLIMBING INSIDE
THE GIANT DRYER.

WHAT HE DIDN'T REALIZE

WAS HIS PARTNER CUT OFF
THE POWER TO THE WRONG MACHINE.

THE UNIT HE WAS NOW INSIDE OF

WAS STILL HOT.

BRENT!

HECTOR WAS TRAPPED.

HE KNEW HE HAD ONLY
A FEW SECONDS

BEFORE THE DRYER WOULD START
ITS CYCLE.

SPINNING WILDLY
AND HITTING TEMPERATURES

WELL OVER 200 DEGREES,

POOR HECTOR WAS BEING SHAKED
AND BAKED TO DEATH.

A 200-DEGREE ENVIRONMENT

YOU WOULD ONLY SURVIVE A MANNER
OF JUST A FEW MINUTES.

I'M SURE HE COULDN'T HAVE
GOTTEN LEVERAGE

TO KICK HIS WAY OUT
OF THE DRYER,

SO HE'S TUMBLING AROUND
IN THERE.

HIS CORE TEMPERATURE'S
GOING UP ABOVE 105

AND STAYING THERE,

THEREFORE HE WOULD START
TO DESTROY HIS MUSCLES

AND DESTROY YOUR KIDNEYS

AND DESTROY OTHER ORGANS.

WHOA! WHOA!
HECTOR!

HECTOR!

HECTOR!

SIX LONG MINUTES LATER,

HIS PARTNER FINALLY RETURNED

BUT IT WAS TOO LATE.

AN UNUSUAL FATE
BUT NOT UNHEARD OF.

EACH YEAR, AS MANY
AS 20 OTHERS PERISH

IN A SIMILAR MANNER.

OFTEN TIMES TEENAGERS
LOOKING FOR A THRILL RIDE,

BUT FINDING THEMSELVES TRAPPED

ON A MACHINE SET
FOR "TUMBLE-DIE."

START YOUR ENGINES.

WHO LIVES AND WHO DIES?

SOMETIMES IT'S JUST A MATTER
OF LUCK.

IT WAS ANOTHER DAY OF RACING
AT DAYTONA SPEEDWAY,

AMERICA'S TEMPLE OF HIGH SPEED
AND DANGER

THE DRIVERS WERE GIVING
THE CROWD

WHAT THEY CAME TO SEE.

PARAMEDIC MIKE STEELY
WAS WORKING THE RACE

THAT FATEFUL DAY.

WHEN IT CAME TO HELPING OTHERS,

MIKE WAS IN A CLASS
BY HIMSELF.

A 20-YEAR VETERAN

OF THE PORT ORANGE
FIRE DEPARTMENT,

MIKE WAS PART
OF AN ELITE CREW CHOSEN

TO WORK AT THE DAYTONA
RACE TRACK.

HE WAS HERE TO SAVE
OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES,

BUT WAS ABOUT TO BE FIGHTING
FOR HIS OWN.

THE OUT-OF-CONTROL RACE CAR

SMASHED INTO HIM
AT 100 MILES PER HOUR

AND WOUND UP PINNING HIM

UNDER 2,000 POUNDS
OF HOT STEEL.

I'D GO TO MOVE MY HIPS
AND NOTHING'S WORKING.

I'D GO TO MOVE MY LEGS
AND NOTHING'S WORKING.

THE ONLY THING THAT
I COULD SMELL

WAS MY OWN HUMAN FLESH
MELDING TO THE VEHICLE.

MIKE WAS AIRLIFTED
TO A LOCAL HOSPITAL,

WHERE SURGEONS WORKED
FEVERISHLY

TO PULL HIM BACK
FROM THE BRINK OF DEATH.

YOU ASK ANYBODY WHO SEES
THE FILM,

HE'S LUCKY TO BE ALIVE.

ONCE STABILIZED,

THE HOSPITAL STAFF
HAD TO PIECE TOGETHER

MIKE'S SHATTERED BODY,

WHICH THEY DESCRIBED
AS A BAG IF GRAPENUTS.

I'M NO STRANGER TO DANGER.

IN THE FACT OF HAVING THINGS
COME AROUND ME

AND BEING A SURVIVOR.

I PLAN FOR IT.
I LIVE FOR IT EVERY DAY.

WHO LIVES AND WHO DIES?

SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT NOT
HAVE SURVIVED

SUCH A VIOLENT IMPACT.

IT WAS THE WORST DAY
OF PARAMEDIC MIKE STEELY'S LIFE

AND THE LUCKIEST.