Zotz! (1962) - full transcript

Zotz!

Zotz?

What's Zotz?

One.

Two.

Three.

Uncle Jonathan.

Morning,

Uncle Jonathan.

Morning, darling

Poison. Slow death.

Yes, but what

a way to go.

Straight sauerkraut juice!

How do you do it?

Very bracing.

You must try it sometime.

How's the wheat germ?

Sounds good.

Superb.

Oh, that must be the mailman.

No, I'll get it.

I'm expecting a journal of the

American Etymological Society.

Anything for me?

Just a postcard from

your vacationing parents.

Hey, Venice, very pretty

Nothing from Eddie?

Eddie? Who's Eddie?

You know very well who

Eddie is. Eddie Prentiss.

One of your brightest

pupils last term.

Prentiss. Prentiss.

The boy who won a fellowship

and went on an archaeological

expedition to Uk... Uk...

Uh, Ukranistan?

Yes. That is from Eddie.

Only teasing you, darling.

Oh, look, a present.

It's a charm bracelet.

Mmm, it's very pretty.

What does Prentiss

have to say?

Just a lot of personal

stuff. You know.

I know.

But he says

he'll be home soon.

They found the ruins

they were looking for.

Mmm. Excellent.

In fact, the charm

on the bracelet is

some ancient coin

he found in a temple

they uncovered there.

It was attached to the

right hand of a gigantic

stone idol, he says.

It's a relic from some

ancient civilization.

Isn't that exciting?

Mmm.

"Shesh, shash."

Shesh, shash.

Jones!

Morning, Kellgore.

You almost ran me down.

Oh, I'm very sorry.

But I didn't, did I?

No, but you ca

me awfully close.

Please accept my apologies,

old man. Shesh, shash.

Uh, what'd you say?

What? Say? Oh, nothing,

Kellgore, nothing.

Well, it sounded like

you said "shesh, shash."

Oh, yes, I did.

Quite right.

Yes. Shesh, shash.

Morning, Kellgore.

Morning, Jones.

Good morning.

Good morning,

Professor.

Yesterday, we considered the

transmutation of certain words

from the Assyro Babylonic.

And we noted that the Assyro

Babylonic word for house, bitu,

appears in the

classical Hebrew as...

As what, Mr. Crane?

Uh, bayeth.

Well, almost right, Mr. Crane.

Thank you.

The correct pronunciation

is bayeth.

And who can tell us what form

the word takes in Aramaic?

Yes, Miss Blakiston?

Baytha

Quite right, Miss Blakisto

Thank you.

You could build a tremendous

edifice of error

based on the fact

that the Hebrew and

Sanskrit words for "six"

are almost identical,

although wholly unrelated.

They are,

if I may remind you,

sheshand shash.

Shesh, shash?

Uh, yes, sir. Right in

the middle of the campus,

this morning. Shesh, shash

Professor Kellgore, I don't

think we need worry ourselves.

Professor Jones is a very

brilliant man in the field of

ancient Eastern languages,

as you are brilliant

in the field of modern

European languages.

I think we can allow

him a few little

peculiarities, hmm?

Sir, I'm sure that

Professor Jones is

excellent in the classroom.

Well, then?

But his executive ability...

Could Saracen Valley

have a dean of language

who goes around

muttering "shesh, shash"?

Hmm. Well, I haven't

retired yet, Professor,

nor have I named

my successor.

It's still a choice between

you and Professor Jones.

Then you haven't

decided yet?

Not yet.

Then you'll take this

"shesh, shash"matter

under consideration?

Oh, I will, I will.

Thank you, Professor.

Good morning.

Good morning, Dean.

Good morning.

Shesh, shash.

Uncle Jonathan?

Yes.

How was your day?

Oh, fine.

What's for dinner?

Filet of eggplant?

Filet of eggplant.

Medium rare?

Of course.

Ah!

Mmm.

Oh, pass the

monosodium glutamate, please.

Thank you.

Say, you know, dear,

he really shouldn't have

sent this to you.

That's rightfully

the property of...

Why, it's Astyparaean!

Asty what?

Hey, that's mine.

Yes, yes, I know.

But if you don't...

It's from Eddie.

It's like a fraternity pin

or an engagement ring.

But you don't

understand, darling.

That inscription is

in the ancient

Astyparaean language.

Am I supposed to

know what that is?

It's a language

that's been dead

for over 5,000 years.

Why, there are only 10 men

in the world who can identify

it, much less translate it.

And I can.

But...

Now, look, dear,

maybe this inscription is

an ancient love poem.

Something Eddie would

want you to hear, hmm?

Well...

Ah, yes, of course.

"First graspeth thou the

sacred disk in thy left hand.

"Now cometh the

letting of, letting of..."

Letting of...

Blood, of course.

"Letting of blood.

"And the drinking.

.. Drinking of blood."

"Now remaineth

only the pronouncing

"of the sacred...

"Sacred name of

the great god, Zotz!"

No! Please! Please!

Let me in!

Please! You can't leave me out

in this storm. Not like this.

Put this on quickly!

Oh. Thanks.

You're welcome.

Now, please go.

Like this?

Well, you can't stay here.

But I have to.

It's the most amazing thing

that's ever happened to me.

I'm not going to embarrass

you by asking you how

you got into this condition.

After all, I'm

a man of the world.

I was struck by lightning.

You were what?

Well, I was hurrying

along, trying to beat out

this sudden storm, when...

Well, I think I was

struck by lightning.

Mmm. I have heard of cases

where people were struck

by lightning and had

their clothes torn off

without hurting them.

Usually these people

were branded by

the mark of the bolt.

I seem to be all right.

Oh, I'm glad to hear it.

But you can't stay here.

I mean, I'm a bachelor.

I don't have a wife.

I'm not married.

Well, what can I do?

Do? What can

you do? I don't... My niece!

I'll wake her up. Uh, no.

She might think...

I mean, not that she'd

have any real... I mean...

I'll go upstairs and get

some of her clothes.

They'll probably fit.

I think you're about

the same size. Anyway,

you wait right here.

Oh, I will. I will.

Uncle Jonathan?

Oh, it's all right, dear.

Go back to sleep.

Well, what...

Nothing.

Just let it go.

There. Now, please go!

Well, can I put

them on first?

Oh, oh, yes, of course.

I'll, uh, turn my back.

Oh, thanks.

You haven't asked

me my name.

No, I haven't.

Uh, I thought it was

better that way.

I agree.

Do they, uh, fit?

Most of them.

The shoes are

a little big, and the...

Something else is

a little small,

but I'll get by.

What? Oh, yes.

You can turn around now.

Will I do?

Well, at least

you won't be cold.

I want to thank you.

Not only for what you did,

but for what

you're going to do.

Going to do?

Forget about this.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Of course.

Oh, you'd better

take this with you.

Oh. Oh, no, it's stopped.

It has?

Why, so it has. Odd.

"So foul and fair

a day I have not seen."

That's Shakespeare.

Macbeth,Act One, I know.

You do?

Uh-huh.

Well.

Good night.

Uh, good night.

Macbeth.Act One.

And there are other

basic affinities in the

languages of this group.

For example,

in all of them,

ancient and modern,

masculine nouns take a

feminine number, and vice

versa, from three to 10.

Who can give us an

example of this

grammatical idiosyncrasy?

Yes, Mr. Crane?

Are you all right,

Mr. Crane? Would you

like to be excused?

Uh, no. I'm all right now.

Uh, it must have

been something I ate.

Uh, an example.

The word for "goat,"

for instance, is

masculine, but three

goats is feminine.

Oh, very good, Mr. Crane.

That's quite right.

And now, who can tell

us in what parts of

the modern world

the Turkish

language is spoken?

Yes, Miss Blakiston.

Actually, although

it's not generally known,

Osmanli is the head

of a large family

of tongues.

The Turkish language in its

several dialects is spoken

from Central Persia to...

Is something wrong,

Professor Jones?

Uh, wrong? Oh, no, no,

Miss Blakiston.

From Central

Persia to Siberia.

The dialects sometimes

differ greatly.

For example...

Uh, that's fine,

Miss Blakiston, thank you.

But I haven't finished.

Class dismissed.

"Thus is gained

the ancient threefold power,

"the first part

of which is that

"of the pointing finger,

"known as the power

of the sudden pain."

The sudden pain.

My goodness.

"The second part of

which is that

"of the uttered name,

"known as the power

"of retarded movement."

Zotz!

Mercy sakes.

"The third and

last part of which

is that of the

"pointing finger and the

uttered name together."

Well...

Zotz!

The silent death.

"He who holdeth this

sacred disk shall be

"imbued with this dreaded

threefold power

"only so long as it remains

in his possession.

"And should it

pass into the

hands of another,

"that other will

hold the power

"for a short time only."

Hmm.

Zotz!

Good afternoon, Jones.

Oh, hello, Kellgore.

Uh, what have you got ther

It looks like a lizard.

Lizard? Where? Oh, this.

Oh, this lizard. Oh, yes.

Yes, a remarkable

example of saurian life.

Yes, direct descendant

of the dinosaur.

Is that so? I didn't kno

w you were interested

in that sort of thing.

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.

Fascinating subject.

Mmm. You don't say.

Oh, incidentally, Jones,

I suppose you've met our new

colleague, Professor Fenster?

No, I haven't.

What's Professor

Fenster's field?

Modern European languages,

or so I'm told.

Why, that's your field.

Yes, it is. One might almost

think they're considering,

what do you call it?

Kicking me upstairs.

Yeah. Or downstairs.

Yes. Well, toodle-oo, Jone

Have fun with your dinosaur.

Toodle-oo.

Zotz!

Extraordinary!

Zo...

Professor Jones,

are you feeling all right?

Yes, sir,

never better. Yes.

I understand you

dismissed your

class early today?

Why, yes, yes.

I gave them a heavy

assignment for the weekend.

I thought I'd better

let them get to the

library before it closed

But the library is open

until 8:00 tonight.

8:00? Oh, yes, so it is.

Yes. Hard to keep up with

these new rules.

That rule's been in

effect ever since 1918.

But no matter.

I'm glad I ran across you.

I want to invite

you for cocktails this

evening in my lodgings.

Oh, how nice.

I want you and the other

members of the faculty to

meet a new colleague.

Oh, Professor Fenster?

Oh, then you've met?

No, no.

Oh, well, in that case,

may we expect you at 6:00?

Oh, yes, yes, indeed.

Yes, sir.

Excellent. Splendid.

Oh, and, Professor?

Yes, Dean.

Don't work too hard.

Zotz!

Amazing.

Uncle Jonathan.

Better hurry if

you're going to make

that cocktail party at 6:00.

Yeah. Would you get me that

package on my bureau, darling?

What's in it?

Oh, just some things

I bought downtown.

Thank you.

I won't be here when you

get back, so don't wait up.

You have a date?

Uh-huh. Jimmy.

Jimmy who?

Jimmy Kellgore.

He's not much, but he'

ll do till Eddie gets home.

Jimmy Kellgore!

Horatio Kellgore's boy?

Yes. Oh, it's not serious

or anything like that.

It's just a date.

Not a date, date.

But Kellgore's son.

Oh, Jimmy's all right.

Kind of a wolf,

but I can handle him.

Zotz!

Zotz!

Zotz!

You'd better hurry,

Uncle Jonathan.

All right, I'm coming.

Cynthia, baby.

Well, are you

all ready to go?

Anytime you are.

Okay.

Ah, Professor Jones.

How nice of you to come.

Will you have a martini?

Oh, no, thank you, sir.

Uh, I don't suppose you

have any sauerkraut juice?

Why, no, I don't think.

Uh, my... Persephone?

Yes?

Do we happen to have

any sauerkraut juice?

Sauerkraut juice?

I don't think so.

Oh, perhaps we

could get you a

soft drink, Professor?

That would be fine,

Mrs. Updike.

Take Hercules for a

moment, please, Joshua.

And get rid of that pipe.

You know it makes

Hercules ill.

There we are.

Thank you, Mrs. Updike.

Get rid of that pipe

Uh, yes, thanks.

Will you take Hercules?

Thank you so much.

Professor, if you

only knew how much

the dean and I

admire your abstinence

from strong drink,

your sensible diet,

your devotion to exercise.

As the ancients said,

Mens sana in corpore sano.

Oh, yes, indeed.

I think of you as one

of the great and

classic educators of yore.

Plato, Aristotle,

in flowing robes, stately,

sober, dignified.

Roaming the groves of

academe, dispensing

wisdom and knowledge.

And now, please come

and meet the new

member of our faculty.

Professor Fenster,

I'd like you to meet

Professor Jonathan Jones

ancient Eastern languages.

Glad to meet you,

Professor Jones.

I...

Charmed.

Joshua.

Yes, my dear.

Please take Hercules.

Yes, a pleasure.

There we are.

Now you'll excuse me, please.

Oh, certainly.

Yes. Of course.

By George, that's

a beautiful cat.

Yes, isn't it?

He loves strangers.

Would you like to hold him?

Uh...

Dean?

Let me get this straight.

You are Professor Fenster?

Well, my friends

call me Virginia.

And to think you're

the famous Jonathan Jones.

Oh, well, not so famous.

Not so famous?

Why, everybody

in the field is familiar

with your doctorate thesis

on the transmutation

of the Latin "F" to "B"

in Teutonic languages.

Well, that was

quite a while ago.

And I simply devoured

your latest book.

Really?

The Semantics of

Dionysius of Halicarnassus?

Yes. I could hardly

put it down.

Well. But I thought your

field was modern languages,

like Professor Kellgore's.

Oh, well, it is.

Oh.

But I've also studied

ancient Eastern languages.

Like me.

Like you.

I see.

Very interesting. Very.

Uh, tell me,

of these two specialties,

Professor Fenster...

Virginia.

Virginia.

Of these two specialties,

Virginia, which

will you utilize here?

Well, I wish I knew. The dean

told me I was to prepare

myself for either course.

He said he has an

important decision to make.

But really, Professor Jones...

Jonathan.

Jonathan.

Really, I think it's so

fascinating to meet the author

of those wonderful books.

You can teach

me so much.

I warn you, you're going

to see a lot of me.

Yes, well, I've already

seen a lot of you, Virginia.

You were going to forget all

about that, remember?

Ah, forgive me.

I stand corrected.

Then those charming

translations of the French

fabliau were yours?

Yes. I loved doing them.

I loved reading them.

Been hunting any

dinosaurs lately, Jones?

Not lately.

What on earth did

he mean by that?

I haven't the faintest idea.

What's she hanging

around there for?

Oh, what a kook. If...

Quiet

You wouldn't be afraid to

be in that house alone with

old Jim here, would ya?

Jimmy, you promised.

Oh, come on.

Jimmy! Stop it!

Oh, well, you're

safe with me.

That's what you think.

What's the matter?

I don't know

I'm okay now, though.

Are you sure?

Let's just wat

ch the movie, huh?

Gladly.

At Harvard, I was

a history major, actually.

Then I narrowed my specialty

to the Asianic cultures.

Under Professor Sandor?

Yes. A wonderful old man.

He stimulated my interest

in ancient languages.

Sanskrit, Hebrew, Astyparaean.

Astyparaean!

That reminds me.

Excuse me for a moment,

I must speak to the dean

on an important matter.

Sir?

Oh, hello, my boy.

How are you getting along

with Professor Fenster?

Oh, fine, sir.

Splendid.

A most talented young lady.

Yes, she is.

But I have something I

want to discuss with you

Oh? Very well.

Yes, sir. I had to

tell someone.

It's so important,

and, well, you're the only

one to whom I could turn.

Then by all means, my boy.

Well, sir, it's

this power I have.

Power?

Yes, sir

The power to disable,

even to kill.

Kill?

I know it sounds fantastic,

and it's going to be very hard

for you to believe, but...

Well, I really don't

know where to begin.

May I make a suggestion?

Please do.

Begin at the beginning,

go on until you

come to the end.

Then stop.

No, I think it would be

better if I begin at

the end and work back.

In fact, that's why

I brought these along.

I knew I'd have a hard time

convincing you without proof

so on the way over

I stopped in at a pet shop.

Great Scott, Jones.

Those are mice, aren't they?

Just white mice, sir.

But...

They're absolutely essenti

to my demonstration, sir.

What demonstration?

The demonstration

of the power of Zotz

Zotz?

Yes, sir. Zotz.

And if you will allow me

Well, I most certainly

will not allow you.

Do you mean to

tell me you intend to let

these creatures out here?

Yes, sir.

Have you taken

leave of your senses?

d,

Trust me, sir. Within

one split second after

those mice are release

they will be motionles

s, harmless, lifeless.

Zotz! Zotz! Zotz!

Jones!

Ellen Mae,

what a lovely cake.

It's beautiful.

I just can't wait

to taste it.

Zotz!

Zotz! Zotz!

Zotz! Zotz!

Zotz! Zotz!

Zotz! Zotz!

Zotz!

Zotz!

It's all right, dear.

Everything's all right.

Thank you very much.

Zotz, I said! Zotz!

Z-O-T-Z, Zotz!

Jones! Come up.

Why have you done this?

I don't understand.

It worked before.

I simply pointed while

the coin was in my pocket.

What coin?

This one

The coin that I...

I'm sure I have it.

Oh, no! Cynthia!

She must have taken it.

What about Cynthia?

Why, this is terrible.

She's going out tonight.

She doesn't know the

power she possesses.

Jones! I...

Excuse me, sir.

I must stop her.

I demand...

Check.

Cynthia? Cynthia? Cynthia?

Cynthia? Oh.

Hello, Virginia.

Jonathan.

Is something wrong?

Yes, something is

terribly wrong.

Well, what is it?

Can I help?

No, nobody can help.

Wait a minute.

Have you got your car?

Yes.

Well, what are we

waiting for? Let's go.

Where to?

I don't know.

First Street, I guess.

And keep your eye

peeled for a hot rod

containing a very

pretty girl and the son

of Horatio Kellgore.

What is this all about?

Well, there's this little...

You wouldn't believe it.

You wouldn't believe it.

Say, I know

a cozy, little spot

where we could...

Just a soda, please.

Just a soda.

Yeah, I get the message.

There they are.

Where do you want to go?

How about the Sip and Dip?

Let's see,

the Sip and Dip. That's

north of here, isn't it?

No. It's south.

No, no. No, no, no!

I'm sure the ice cream

parlor is that way.

Okay.

Follow that car!

Cynthia!

Hi, Uncle Jonathan.

What are you doing here?

Cynthia, come home at once.

What?

Come home at once.

Never mind.

Stay right there.

I'll get you.

It's all right, darling.

Come along with me.

But Uncle Jonathan!

No arguments.

Well, we were only

going over to the...

Stop!

Excuse me.

Don't do that.

Why?

Because it's not

polite to point.

Huh?

Come along, darling. You'd

better let me have this, too.

And after all that, he say

"It's not polite to point."

Uh, that's all?

That's all.

What a kook!

Yeah, very interesting.

Well, thank you, my boy.

Run along to bed.

Okay. Good night, Dad.

Good night.

Good morning, darling.

Good morning.

Poison. Slow death.

Uncle Jonathan.

Yes.

All that stuff you said

last night about the coin...

What were you drinking

at the dean's party?

Soda pop, of course.

What are you implying?

Well, it's all a little hard

to swallow, you know.

That stuff about

ancient magic and the

pointing finger and...

What was that word again?

Never mind.

Uncle Jonathan, have

you been feeling all right?

Of course I have.

I'm in the pink of

condition.

Well, then, why do

you have an appointment

with the doctor this morning?

Doctor? I have no

appointment with a doctor.

Yes, you do. At 9:00.

Miss Carruthers of the medical

staff phoned to remind you

when you were in the shower.

She said the dean

made the appointment.

Really? That's odd.

Ah, it must be the annual

physical checkup.

Good idea, actually.

Mens sana in corpore sano,

you know.

What?

Sound mind

in a sound body.

9:00, you said?

I'd better be on my way.

Bye, darling.

Bye.

Uh, good morning.

I'm Professor Jones.

Oh, good morning, Professor.

You can go right in.

Dr. Kroner's expecting you.

Thank you.

Good morning, Dr. Kroner.

Pleasure to meet you.

I'm Jones,

ancient Eastern languages.

Sit down, Professor.

It's a very sensib

le thing, checkups.

As I was saying to my

niece only this morning,

Mens sana in corpore sano.

Quite.

I think you'll find me

in top condition.

Exercise, a sensible diet,

don't drink, don't smoke.

Professor Jones,

I think perhaps...

These are my own.

Every single one

Hearing, perfect.

Vision, 20/20.

Blood pressure..

Sir!

...seven. Yes?

Please put your

clothes back on

and then make yourself

comfortable on the couch.

Put my clothes...

Put them back... Oh!

Very well, if you wish.

I simply thought that I...

Couch?

Yes. Just lie down and relax.

You mean you're

that kind of a doctor?

Now, don't worry about

a thing, Professor.

The dean sent me to you?

He thinks I'm crazy?

Now, now, now, now.

Crazy's an unfortunate

word, don't you agree?

I certainly do! And if you

think I'm going to submit

to an examination by a...

Do you always

react so violently?

Violently?

Why, no. Not at all.

In fact, I'm a quiet man

Studious.

Oh, I see, quiet

and studious sometimes

and violent at other times.

Almost like two

different people, hmm?

Now, look here.

If you're trying to say

I'm schizophrenic...

Oh. Do you feel that

I'm persecuting you?

No!

It all began when my niece

received a charm bracelet.

Oh, Professor Kellgore.

Professor Fenster.

Do you know where I might find

Professor Jones this morning?

I have a little

translation problem

I'd like to discuss

with him.

Jones? Jones?

No, I haven't seen him

since the cocktail party

yesterday evening.

Behaved very

peculiarly, didn't he?

Perhaps I can help.

Well, I'm afraid it's in t

field of ancient languages

Professor Kellgore.

Call me Horatio.

Well, I must run.

Thanks, anyway.

Please continue, Professor.

That's all there is to tell.

Yes.

Now, if I understand

you correctly,

you say that

you're actually able to

destroy living creatures

by pointing your

finger at them

and speaking this

word, "Zotz."

Yes, but only if

the coin is on my person.

Don't you see that all

this is mere delusion?

Delusion?

Why, I've seen it

with my own eyes.

A line of people on

the sidewalk, mown down

as if by a machine gun.

Hallucination.

It was not hallucination

And there was the moth

and the cat and the ships

and the squirrel

and the dinosaur

The dinosaur, Professor?

I mean, the lizard.

Just a little lizard,

you know.

Yes. Yes, of course. It was

a baby dinosaur, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was...

No, no, no.

Professor Jones,

you're an intelligent man

and I won't try to humor you

But surely you can understand

that these delusions of yours

are merely a result

of your repressed hostility,

your aggressive feelings

toward society.

I have no aggressive feeling

toward society, Dr. Kroner.

I must confess,

at this moment,

however,

I have aggressive

feelings toward you.

Well, that's

a perfectly normal reaction.

As a matter of fact,

you're a classic case.

I will not be referred

to as a "classic case!"

Sir, this power of

yours does not exist.

It does exist!

Then show me.

What?

Show me. Convince me.

Demonstrate this

horrible force,

this power you have

over life and death.

Very well. But what shall

I demonstrate it on?

Me.

Oh, I couldn't do that.

Why not?

Well, it would

cause you pain.

Well, now why should

that concern you?

You've already said

that you have aggressive

feelings toward me.

Here's your chance

to unleash them.

Oh, I can't.

Of course you can't.

Because this power

is not real.

It is.

It's imaginary.

It's not.

Not what?

Not real. I mean imaginary.

There, you see?

You can't distinguish between

reality and imagination.

I'm sorry, Doctor,

but there's no other way

You put on

a good act, Professor.

Remember, you brought

this on yourself.

Go ahead. Take out

your hostility on me.

It will do you

a world of good.

I was doubled over,

like this.

It was very painful.

Perhaps he hypnotized you.

Well, I know a bit more abou

hypnosis than you do, Dean,

and I can assure you

I was not hypnotized

Then, how do you

explain it?

Very simple.

Appendicitis

I shall enter

the hospital the first

thing in the morning.

No, no.

Of course not, my boy.

It's simply that I think

you need a rest.

Sir, I'm in perfect health.

Go away for a few days.

A week.

Please, sir,

if you'd only

listen to me

Go someplace to relax.

Take a trip.

A trip?

Yes.

A trip.

Well, I think you'd better try

Lieutenant Stefanski, sir.

He may be able

to help you.

You don't understand

I don't want him to help m

I want to help him.

Yes, sir.

But you'd better see

the lieutenant anyway.

You'll find him

in 3C-4L-3-S-19.

Three C...

It's very simple, sir.

You see, this building

has five sides,

A, B, C, D and E.

Now 3C means

the third floor

of side C. That way.

That way.

The next number tells you

what corridor to take.

Four.

That's right over there.

Over there.

The second three

means the third court,

then, S-19 is the 19th

stanchion on your left.

You can't miss it, sir.

Thank you. What was

that floor again?

Third floor, sir.

Third floor.

You see, Lieutenant Stefanski,

they sent me in

to see you, but...

Professor Jones, I'm afraid

the army isn't interested.

There are many such

suggestions that come

across my desk every day,

and we are not interested.

Now you listen to me...

Oh, now be reasonable, Henry.

I handled the last one.

That screwball with the

steam-operated machine gun.

It's your turn now.

What do you mean,

you've got a stomach ache?

What about

Lieutenant Stefanski?

Captain Byron? Major Foulger?

They've all got

stomach aches?

I tell you, it's that

lousy food they serve

in the cafeteria.

All right. All right,

send him over.

Yes?

General Bullivar.

Yes.

There's a Professor Jones

who wishes to see you.

I know. I know.

Tell him to wheel it in.

Wheel what in, sir?

A death ray, or whatever it is

he thinks he's invented.

He doesn't have

anything with him, sir.

Not even a briefcase.

Oh, one of those

quiet ones, huh?

Well, I guess there's no use

delaying it. Send him in.

Yes, sir

Professor Jones, sir

Hello there, how are you?

So you're the fellow that's

come all the way from

California just to talk to us.

Yes, sir.

I'm delighted to

meet you, Professor.

Thank you, General.

Sit down. Sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

Well,

thank you very much.

Well, did you have

a pleasant trip?

Most pleasant, thanks.

And how are you enjoying

your visit to the capital?

Well, I only arrived

this morning...

Now, take my advice,

don't miss

the Lincoln Memorial.

It's a very moving experience.

It brings tears to my eyes

every time I see it.

Well, I'm sure it's

most impressive.

Have a cigar.

What? No, thank you.

Do you mind if I get

right to the point?

Oh, yes, of course.

The colonel mentioned

something about a new weapon.

Well, it's not

exactly a weapon

Oh? Well, what is it?

A gun, a bomb?

Would you be interested

in a method to immobilize,

even destroy, as you

choose, every living thing

within range of vision?

Ships, tanks, planes

How do you intend

to go about this?

Light rays?

Sound vibrations?

Black magic?

Yes.

Yes, what?

Black magic. You see,

I'm a human weapon.

Now, look, Professor,

I do not have the time

to stand around making jokes.

I'm not joking,

I assure you.

A human weapon!

Are you serious?

I've never been mo

re serious in my life

You see...

I see. I see.

You're some sort

of a magician, huh?

What?

Look, I'm afraid they've sent

you to the wrong department.

Now what you want is

the Entertainment Division

of Special Services.

I'll make one little

phone call and settle

this whole thing for you.

No! Wait! Wait!

Now, get me Colonel...

General! I can prove it.

Never mind.

All right, prove it.

Excuse me.

Look. That airplane up there.

Uh-huh.

Now watch this.

I'm watching

You see?

Wonderful! Marvelous!

Now watch this.

Uh-huh.

There. And the secret

lies in this ancient coin.

In that coin?

Well, well, well

And you see,

this makes it possible to...

You know, this is

a marvelous little inventi

you have here, Professor.

Well, it's not exactly

an invention...

I'll tell you what

I'm going to do.

I'm going to have my

secretary help you fill out

form number W5A16,

in quadruplicate...

But, sir...

This will be filed

and duly considered

at the next meeting

of the Chiefs of Staff.

How long before

I hear from you?

Well, the next meeting is

sometime in December.

December!

Yes, yes.

Of course, anything

suggested at that meeting

will have to be forwarded

onto higher echelons.

But this power of mine

is immediate...

Well, of course,

I believe that if you leave

your name and address,

you can expect

to receive some sort of

communication from us

after the first of the year.

What sort of communication?

Well, now...

General, don't you think

the state of world

conditions today

demands that you

take immediate...

I think that you're

absolutely right,

and we are wasting

time standing here

talking about it.

Yes, we are.

I'm glad that we

see eye to eye.

And I will start the wheels

in motion right now.

Corporal, I want you

to drop everything

and help Professor Jones

here fill out form W5A16.

Thank you, Professor.

No, sir, but, General...

Please sit down, Professor.

This may take a while.

Well, thanks,

but don't bother.

But what about form W5A16?

You tell the general

that he can...

Oh, never mind.

I beg your pardon.

Don't I know you?

No, I don't believe so.

My name is Hugh Fundy.

What is that, may I ask?

This? This is a death ray.

Oh. Well, good luck.

Uncle Jonathan, I didn't

expect you home tonight.

Well, I decided

to cut my trip short.

Hey, you're all

dressed up. How come?

For the farewell dinner

for the dean, you remember.

Gee, it's nice

you returned

in time for it.

Yeah, I'd better change.

I won't be five minutes.

Well, I'll meet you

at the country club.

Can't you wait

while I change?

Well, gee, Uncle Jonathan,

I expected you to be

out of town tonight,

and I told Jimmy I'd go

with him. And there he is.

Bye, see you at the club.

There's sauerkraut juice

in the fridge.

I'm coming!

Virginia!

Hello.

Oh, hello, Virginia?

Jonathan.

Oh, Jonathan,

you're back.

So soon?

Yeah, I got homesick,

I guess.

Say, the reason

I'm calling, I...

I thought I might

escort you to the

farewell dinner tonight.

Well, I'm awfully sorry,

but I was sure you'd be

away and I...

Well, I accepted

an invitation to

go with Horatio.

Horatio. Kellgore?

Well, yes. You see...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Now, please try

to understand.

Oh, I understand.

I understand perfectly.

Oh, Jonathan.

Bye.

Well, here we are.

Dean Updike, of course,

and Mrs. Updike,

Professor Adams,

the principal

and, Virginia,

I want you to sit there,

and of course, I shall occupy

the speaker's chair.

Is everything satisfactory,

Professor Kellgore?

Oh, yes.

Yes, it seems to be.

Of course, this is

a very special occasion,

you understand.

I want everything exactly

right. I've made myself

personally responsible.

Of course.

Perhaps I may have the

waiter bring you a cocktail

before the others arrive?

No, no. It might

relax me too much.

Have to make

a speech right after dinner.

Yes.

Good evening.

Hello. Hi, Dad. Hello,

Professor Fenster.

Hello, Jimmy.

Hello, Cynthia.

Just in time, James.

Good evening, Cynthia.

I'm so sorry your uncle won't

be able to make it tonight.

Better check the wine.

Oh, but he's back.

I told him to meet us here.

I know, dear,

but when I talked to h

im on the phone just now,

he said he was too

exhausted from his tri

p, that he wouldn't come.

Virginia, would you

check the guest list?

It's a good thing,

if you ask me.

What do you mean?

Well, we all want everythi

to be nice for the dean's

farewell dinner, don't we?

Are you implying

that my Uncle Jonathan...

Look, don't get be

nt out of shape.

Your uncle's okay.

I guess. But everybody kno

he's a little bit kooks.

Kooks!

Yeah.

Well, like that night

he chased us in

Professor Fenster's car.

And, well, you

heard about those

mice, didn't you?

Jimmy Kellgore, if you...

Oh, forget it.

Let's sit down, huh?

James?

Yeah, Dad?

Would you come here?

Excuse me.

Yeah, Dad?

Now, James, I want to

caution you about the

way you behave tonight.

No raucousness

or ungentlemanly

behavior.

Oh, sure, Dad.

This is a very important

evening, you understand.

The dean still hasn't

named a successor,

and his decision could stand

or fall on the impression

that I create at the dinner.

Understand?

I dig.

Don't... Speak English.

Oh, dear.

Good evening, my dear Dean.

Professor.

Good evening... Oh!

Mrs. Updike. May I say

that you look dangerously

lovely this evening?

Professor Kellgore,

you say the

most awful things.

It was very nice of you

to preside tonight, Kellgore.

Well, when I heard

that Professor Jones

would be absent,

I felt that someone

had to take things in hand.

Yes, quite so.

Poor Jones.

Excellent man, really, but...

I'm sorry, my dear,

I didn't mean to...

That's all right, sir.

Shall we sit down?

The others should

be along presently.

Dean, the chair of honor,

of course. There you are

Get out of the way,

will you?

Mrs. Updike, would you grace

our table with your radiance?

Charmed.

"When in disgrace with

fortune and men's eyes

"I all alone beweep

my outcast state."

Here's how.

"And trouble deaf heaven

with my bootless cries,

"and look upon myself,

and curse my fate."

Oh...

And speaking of our

beloved dean's regretted

departure from our midst

I would like to borrow an

aphorism from the works

of the great La Rochefoucauld.

The...

Hello, everybody.

Sorry I'm late.

Accept my apologies, Horatio.

Yes, yes. It's good to see

you, Jones. Most unexpected.

Did you have a nice trip?

Fantastic.

I hope you didn't miss

the Lincoln Memorial,

a very moving experience

Brings tears to my eyes

every time I see it.

Yeah, well,

if you don't mind,

just sit down, please.

Yes.

Traitor.

Jonathan, you... n.

Don't bother to explai

My dear friends... Friends?

My dear and true friends,

although I usually abstain

from intoxicating spirits,

I would on this occasi

on like to indulge

in sort of a token

sip of this

ceremonial champagne

It is indeed fitting

that I propose a toast

to our beloved dean.

And put into words

the true feelings

in my heart...

Zotz!

Your knowledge has

been a guiding hand

for all these many years

building towards dedication

to something recognized

the whole world over

in the tremendous force

of the noble language.

And so on this

emotional occasion...

It's disgraceful.

The man's making a drunken

exhibition of himself.

I know, my dear,

but what can I do?

Assert yourself.

...hold this party

in recognition...

Yes, yes, Kellgore.

Very nice indeed of you.

Thank you.

But I haven't finished yet.

Thank you, Kellgore.

That will be all.

I'm sure what my

colleague, Professor

Kellgore, means to say

is something which all of

us feel in our hearts,

but find very

difficult to express

Simply ave atque vale.

Hail and farewell.

Hail and farewell.

Hail and farewell.

Hail.

Thank you, Jonathan.

Thank you very much.

It's good to have

you among us again.

And now, for heaven's sake,

let's enjoy ourselves.

Professor Jones?

Yes, I'm Jones.

A gentleman to see you, sir,

just inside the main entrance.

To see me?

Yes, sir.

Oh, very well. Excuse me.

Who is kooks now?

Here, sir.

Thank you.

Professor Jones?

Yes.

Jonathan Jones?

That's right

Well, I'm sure

glad I was able to

find you so quickly.

My name is Bates,

Josh Bates.

What can I do for you,

Mr. Bates?

Well, it's more a question

of what we can do for you.

I'm with the government,

Professor.

Ah...

And I've been sent to bring

you back to Washington.

I see. Well, perhaps first

thing tomorrow morning.

No, sir. Now.

Now?

Yes, sir. Nobody knows

better than yourself, sir,

how important this matter is.

Yes, but I...

And how timely.

Well, that's true.

However, my friends

and family in there...

And how secret, Professor.

Why, if you were to tell the

that you were flying back

to Washington tonight,

word might leak out.

You have a point, Mr. Bates.

Still, if I could just

have a few seconds

with my niece, I...

There isn't time, Professor.

Please, sir.

The plane is waiting.

Well, you can phone

your niece later.

All right, Mr. Bates.

Let's go.

Very powerful plane.

Only the best

for you, Professor.

Yes, very interesting.

I don't know what happened,

but I had a feeling

like I was floating.

Cynthia, where's your uncle?

I don't know.

I must get a checkup,

you know. I'm sick,

I think. Really.

Excuse me.

Where are you going,

Professor?

Mr. Bates.

Yes?

You are, you said,

with the government?

That's right, Professor.

What government?

You will learn the answer

to that question very soon.

I was afraid of that.

Oh, you need be afraid

of nothing, Professor.

You are to be

our honored guest.

But not in Washington?

Not, as you say,

in Washington.

But this is preposterous!

Why are your people

interested in me?

Something about

an ancient coin.

What coin?

The one with the secrets.

What secrets?

I neither

know nor care.

Atomic secrets, I suppose,

hidden inside it,

or something of that nature.

I will relieve you

of that object.

You will not

do that again.

Oh, no? Why won't I?

Because we have taken

certain precautions.

What kind of precautions?

I will tell you.

I see.

That's right, Professor.

If anything happens to me,

or to this plane,

my comrade, Igor,

has orders...

I understand.

That is good

When we reach

our destination,

you will reveal to us

the secrets of this coin

Until that time,

I will take charge of it

What?

The coin!

Oh. Oh, yes, the coin.

Give it to me.

You don't think I carry

a thing like that around

with me, do you?

What?

It's in a hiding place

back in Saracen Valley.

Back in...

You'll have to turn

the plane around.

Why, I don't know

if we can...

It will be dangerous

for us to return.

Dangerous for your niece

and Professor Fenster,

since we are expected

at our destination

at a specified time,

and if we do not arrive,

certain instructions

will be radioed to Igor.

Therefore, I assume

that you will allow

me to search you

in order to make

absolutely sure that

a return is necessary.

You're right.

The coin is not on you.

Now, then, where is

this coin? At your home?

No.

Then, where?

First, you must

take me to the place

where my niece

and Virginia Fenster

are being held prisoner.

Before I give you anything,

I must make sure

they're unharmed.

Capitalist pig!

It is I who make

the bargains here, not you.

Now, remember this, Bates,

or whatever your name is.

If those two ladies are hurt

you'll have no threat

to hold over my head.

And you will no longer

be able to force me

to co-operate with you.

Now, where are they?

The cellar of an office

building in your city.

What building?

The Consolidated Building.

Then I suggest

you instruct your friend

to step on the gas.

Oh, and one more

thing, Mr. Bates Yes?

I hope you realize

that if we don't

get there in time,

and your friend receives

his radio orders to harm

those two ladies,

there will be absolutely

nothing to prevent my

using that secret weapon

on you again,

do you understand?

I understand.

No! No!

Cynthia. Virginia.

Are you all right?

Thank God.

Well, Professor,

are you satisfied that

the ladies are unharmed?

We will go now

and get that coin.

Yes, I am satisfied

the ladies are unharmed.

And it is now my pleasure

to inform you that you are

completely within my power.

What?

I withheld that power

only to save them.

The hands.

But now...

Something about the hands.

Igor!

Let me...

Ow!

I don't know what this

secret weapon of yours is,

or how you operate it.

I suppose it's some mechanism

concealed in your clothes,

but I did observe that

in order to activate it,

you had to raise your arms.

And unless I'm gravely

mistaken, I have now

rendered you powerless.

It's no use, Professor,

that tape is very strong.

Now, shall we go

and get that coin?

All right. You win.

Very sensible.

After you, sir.

May I say goodbye

to my niece?

I'm a civilized man.

Of course you may.

Thank you.

Uncle Jonathan.

Listen, if you

and Virginia make a run

for it, they won't follow.

They're more interested in

me. Get to the police

and bring them back here.

But...

Do as I say.

All right, Jones.

That's enough.

You and I will go

for the coin.

Igor will remain here

with the ladies

in the event that...

Run! Hurry! Run!

Don't you want that coin?

I've got it!

It's in my pocket.

I've had it all the time.

You're lying.

Am I?

I've searched you.

Not well enough.

Well, if you really have i

throw it to me.

With my hands like this?

Uh-uh. If you want it,

come and get it.

Zotz!

Jones, I warn you.

I want that coin!

You'll have to take it!

May I remind you that

you are now powerless?

Jones, I want that coin.

I'll give you till

the count of three.

One... Bates, listen.

No discussions, please.

Just the coin. Two...

I... I...

Three!

Zotz!

Amazing phenomenon,

Bates, isn't it?

Zotz!

Take your time, Igor.

Just take your time.

Wouldn't you know it?

Not a cop in sight.

Stop this silly game,

Professor.

Give me the coin

and no harm will come...

No!

Professor,

don't be ridiculous!

You'll fall.

Don't worry about me.

Zotz!

Stop! Stop, I say!

Zotz!

That's it.

Zotz!

It's no use.

You are powerless

without that coin!

Bates, I warn you.

The slightest

noise or vibration...

What are your plans no

w, Professor Zotz?

The name is Jones,

young man.

Jonathan Jones.

And my plans are to return

to Saracen Valley College

on the next plane

and begin my

duties as the new

dean of languages.

General Bullivar,

do you think the coin

will be recovered?

Well, it's hard to say.

It might have floated all

the way out into the Pacific.

Needle in a haystack.

However, we're using

maximum effort, radar,

sonar, loren, submarines...

The newest type

of magnetic devices.

Oh, modern science

is a wonderful thing.

My personal opinion is that

we stand an even chance

of regaining the coin

for the good of humanity.

What do you think, Professor?

Well, I agree

with the general

I think the chances

are excellent that

the coin will be found.

Bye, General.

Thanks again

for your hospitality

Thank you for overlooking

the unfortunate circumstances

of our first meeting.

That's a private

joke, gentlemen.

Our congratulations again.

I know that you two are

going to be very happy.

Goodbye, sir.

Come, Mrs. Jones

We have time for just

one short visit before

we catch the plane.

Visit? With whom?

Someone that we both

should meet, I think

Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye.

Gentlemen.

Goodbye, General

Bye-bye.

- Bye.

For once, Horatio Kellgore

and I see eye to eye.

Zotz all!