Zotz! (1962) - full transcript
Jonathan Jones, a professor of ancient languages, comes into possession of an ancient coin. He translates its inscription, which gives him three powers: to inflict pain, slow down time or kill. Soon, he's pursued by enemy spies who have learned about the magic coin.
Zotz!
Zotz?
What's Zotz?
One.
Two.
Three.
Uncle Jonathan.
Morning,
Uncle Jonathan.
Morning, darling
Poison. Slow death.
Yes, but what
a way to go.
Straight sauerkraut juice!
How do you do it?
Very bracing.
You must try it sometime.
How's the wheat germ?
Sounds good.
Superb.
Oh, that must be the mailman.
No, I'll get it.
I'm expecting a journal of the
American Etymological Society.
Anything for me?
Just a postcard from
your vacationing parents.
Hey, Venice, very pretty
Nothing from Eddie?
Eddie? Who's Eddie?
You know very well who
Eddie is. Eddie Prentiss.
One of your brightest
pupils last term.
Prentiss. Prentiss.
The boy who won a fellowship
and went on an archaeological
expedition to Uk... Uk...
Uh, Ukranistan?
Yes. That is from Eddie.
Only teasing you, darling.
Oh, look, a present.
It's a charm bracelet.
Mmm, it's very pretty.
What does Prentiss
have to say?
Just a lot of personal
stuff. You know.
I know.
But he says
he'll be home soon.
They found the ruins
they were looking for.
Mmm. Excellent.
In fact, the charm
on the bracelet is
some ancient coin
he found in a temple
they uncovered there.
It was attached to the
right hand of a gigantic
stone idol, he says.
It's a relic from some
ancient civilization.
Isn't that exciting?
Mmm.
"Shesh, shash."
Shesh, shash.
Jones!
Morning, Kellgore.
You almost ran me down.
Oh, I'm very sorry.
But I didn't, did I?
No, but you ca
me awfully close.
Please accept my apologies,
old man. Shesh, shash.
Uh, what'd you say?
What? Say? Oh, nothing,
Kellgore, nothing.
Well, it sounded like
you said "shesh, shash."
Oh, yes, I did.
Quite right.
Yes. Shesh, shash.
Morning, Kellgore.
Morning, Jones.
Good morning.
Good morning,
Professor.
Yesterday, we considered the
transmutation of certain words
from the Assyro Babylonic.
And we noted that the Assyro
Babylonic word for house, bitu,
appears in the
classical Hebrew as...
As what, Mr. Crane?
Uh, bayeth.
Well, almost right, Mr. Crane.
Thank you.
The correct pronunciation
is bayeth.
And who can tell us what form
the word takes in Aramaic?
Yes, Miss Blakiston?
Baytha
Quite right, Miss Blakisto
Thank you.
You could build a tremendous
edifice of error
based on the fact
that the Hebrew and
Sanskrit words for "six"
are almost identical,
although wholly unrelated.
They are,
if I may remind you,
sheshand shash.
Shesh, shash?
Uh, yes, sir. Right in
the middle of the campus,
this morning. Shesh, shash
Professor Kellgore, I don't
think we need worry ourselves.
Professor Jones is a very
brilliant man in the field of
ancient Eastern languages,
as you are brilliant
in the field of modern
European languages.
I think we can allow
him a few little
peculiarities, hmm?
Sir, I'm sure that
Professor Jones is
excellent in the classroom.
Well, then?
But his executive ability...
Could Saracen Valley
have a dean of language
who goes around
muttering "shesh, shash"?
Hmm. Well, I haven't
retired yet, Professor,
nor have I named
my successor.
It's still a choice between
you and Professor Jones.
Then you haven't
decided yet?
Not yet.
Then you'll take this
"shesh, shash"matter
under consideration?
Oh, I will, I will.
Thank you, Professor.
Good morning.
Good morning, Dean.
Good morning.
Shesh, shash.
Uncle Jonathan?
Yes.
How was your day?
Oh, fine.
What's for dinner?
Filet of eggplant?
Filet of eggplant.
Medium rare?
Of course.
Ah!
Mmm.
Oh, pass the
monosodium glutamate, please.
Thank you.
Say, you know, dear,
he really shouldn't have
sent this to you.
That's rightfully
the property of...
Why, it's Astyparaean!
Asty what?
Hey, that's mine.
Yes, yes, I know.
But if you don't...
It's from Eddie.
It's like a fraternity pin
or an engagement ring.
But you don't
understand, darling.
That inscription is
in the ancient
Astyparaean language.
Am I supposed to
know what that is?
It's a language
that's been dead
for over 5,000 years.
Why, there are only 10 men
in the world who can identify
it, much less translate it.
And I can.
But...
Now, look, dear,
maybe this inscription is
an ancient love poem.
Something Eddie would
want you to hear, hmm?
Well...
Ah, yes, of course.
"First graspeth thou the
sacred disk in thy left hand.
"Now cometh the
letting of, letting of..."
Letting of...
Blood, of course.
"Letting of blood.
"And the drinking.
.. Drinking of blood."
"Now remaineth
only the pronouncing
"of the sacred...
"Sacred name of
the great god, Zotz!"
No! Please! Please!
Let me in!
Please! You can't leave me out
in this storm. Not like this.
Put this on quickly!
Oh. Thanks.
You're welcome.
Now, please go.
Like this?
Well, you can't stay here.
But I have to.
It's the most amazing thing
that's ever happened to me.
I'm not going to embarrass
you by asking you how
you got into this condition.
After all, I'm
a man of the world.
I was struck by lightning.
You were what?
Well, I was hurrying
along, trying to beat out
this sudden storm, when...
Well, I think I was
struck by lightning.
Mmm. I have heard of cases
where people were struck
by lightning and had
their clothes torn off
without hurting them.
Usually these people
were branded by
the mark of the bolt.
I seem to be all right.
Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
But you can't stay here.
I mean, I'm a bachelor.
I don't have a wife.
I'm not married.
Well, what can I do?
Do? What can
you do? I don't... My niece!
I'll wake her up. Uh, no.
She might think...
I mean, not that she'd
have any real... I mean...
I'll go upstairs and get
some of her clothes.
They'll probably fit.
I think you're about
the same size. Anyway,
you wait right here.
Oh, I will. I will.
Uncle Jonathan?
Oh, it's all right, dear.
Go back to sleep.
Well, what...
Nothing.
Just let it go.
There. Now, please go!
Well, can I put
them on first?
Oh, oh, yes, of course.
I'll, uh, turn my back.
Oh, thanks.
You haven't asked
me my name.
No, I haven't.
Uh, I thought it was
better that way.
I agree.
Do they, uh, fit?
Most of them.
The shoes are
a little big, and the...
Something else is
a little small,
but I'll get by.
What? Oh, yes.
You can turn around now.
Will I do?
Well, at least
you won't be cold.
I want to thank you.
Not only for what you did,
but for what
you're going to do.
Going to do?
Forget about this.
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
Of course.
Oh, you'd better
take this with you.
Oh. Oh, no, it's stopped.
It has?
Why, so it has. Odd.
"So foul and fair
a day I have not seen."
That's Shakespeare.
Macbeth,Act One, I know.
You do?
Uh-huh.
Well.
Good night.
Uh, good night.
Macbeth.Act One.
And there are other
basic affinities in the
languages of this group.
For example,
in all of them,
ancient and modern,
masculine nouns take a
feminine number, and vice
versa, from three to 10.
Who can give us an
example of this
grammatical idiosyncrasy?
Yes, Mr. Crane?
Are you all right,
Mr. Crane? Would you
like to be excused?
Uh, no. I'm all right now.
Uh, it must have
been something I ate.
Uh, an example.
The word for "goat,"
for instance, is
masculine, but three
goats is feminine.
Oh, very good, Mr. Crane.
That's quite right.
And now, who can tell
us in what parts of
the modern world
the Turkish
language is spoken?
Yes, Miss Blakiston.
Actually, although
it's not generally known,
Osmanli is the head
of a large family
of tongues.
The Turkish language in its
several dialects is spoken
from Central Persia to...
Is something wrong,
Professor Jones?
Uh, wrong? Oh, no, no,
Miss Blakiston.
From Central
Persia to Siberia.
The dialects sometimes
differ greatly.
For example...
Uh, that's fine,
Miss Blakiston, thank you.
But I haven't finished.
Class dismissed.
"Thus is gained
the ancient threefold power,
"the first part
of which is that
"of the pointing finger,
"known as the power
of the sudden pain."
The sudden pain.
My goodness.
"The second part of
which is that
"of the uttered name,
"known as the power
"of retarded movement."
Zotz!
Mercy sakes.
"The third and
last part of which
is that of the
"pointing finger and the
uttered name together."
Well...
Zotz!
The silent death.
"He who holdeth this
sacred disk shall be
"imbued with this dreaded
threefold power
"only so long as it remains
in his possession.
"And should it
pass into the
hands of another,
"that other will
hold the power
"for a short time only."
Hmm.
Zotz!
Good afternoon, Jones.
Oh, hello, Kellgore.
Uh, what have you got ther
It looks like a lizard.
Lizard? Where? Oh, this.
Oh, this lizard. Oh, yes.
Yes, a remarkable
example of saurian life.
Yes, direct descendant
of the dinosaur.
Is that so? I didn't kno
w you were interested
in that sort of thing.
Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.
Fascinating subject.
Mmm. You don't say.
Oh, incidentally, Jones,
I suppose you've met our new
colleague, Professor Fenster?
No, I haven't.
What's Professor
Fenster's field?
Modern European languages,
or so I'm told.
Why, that's your field.
Yes, it is. One might almost
think they're considering,
what do you call it?
Kicking me upstairs.
Yeah. Or downstairs.
Yes. Well, toodle-oo, Jone
Have fun with your dinosaur.
Toodle-oo.
Zotz!
Extraordinary!
Zo...
Professor Jones,
are you feeling all right?
Yes, sir,
never better. Yes.
I understand you
dismissed your
class early today?
Why, yes, yes.
I gave them a heavy
assignment for the weekend.
I thought I'd better
let them get to the
library before it closed
But the library is open
until 8:00 tonight.
8:00? Oh, yes, so it is.
Yes. Hard to keep up with
these new rules.
That rule's been in
effect ever since 1918.
But no matter.
I'm glad I ran across you.
I want to invite
you for cocktails this
evening in my lodgings.
Oh, how nice.
I want you and the other
members of the faculty to
meet a new colleague.
Oh, Professor Fenster?
Oh, then you've met?
No, no.
Oh, well, in that case,
may we expect you at 6:00?
Oh, yes, yes, indeed.
Yes, sir.
Excellent. Splendid.
Oh, and, Professor?
Yes, Dean.
Don't work too hard.
Zotz!
Amazing.
Uncle Jonathan.
Better hurry if
you're going to make
that cocktail party at 6:00.
Yeah. Would you get me that
package on my bureau, darling?
What's in it?
Oh, just some things
I bought downtown.
Thank you.
I won't be here when you
get back, so don't wait up.
You have a date?
Uh-huh. Jimmy.
Jimmy who?
Jimmy Kellgore.
He's not much, but he'
ll do till Eddie gets home.
Jimmy Kellgore!
Horatio Kellgore's boy?
Yes. Oh, it's not serious
or anything like that.
It's just a date.
Not a date, date.
But Kellgore's son.
Oh, Jimmy's all right.
Kind of a wolf,
but I can handle him.
Zotz!
Zotz!
Zotz!
You'd better hurry,
Uncle Jonathan.
All right, I'm coming.
Cynthia, baby.
Well, are you
all ready to go?
Anytime you are.
Okay.
Ah, Professor Jones.
How nice of you to come.
Will you have a martini?
Oh, no, thank you, sir.
Uh, I don't suppose you
have any sauerkraut juice?
Why, no, I don't think.
Uh, my... Persephone?
Yes?
Do we happen to have
any sauerkraut juice?
Sauerkraut juice?
I don't think so.
Oh, perhaps we
could get you a
soft drink, Professor?
That would be fine,
Mrs. Updike.
Take Hercules for a
moment, please, Joshua.
And get rid of that pipe.
You know it makes
Hercules ill.
There we are.
Thank you, Mrs. Updike.
Get rid of that pipe
Uh, yes, thanks.
Will you take Hercules?
Thank you so much.
Professor, if you
only knew how much
the dean and I
admire your abstinence
from strong drink,
your sensible diet,
your devotion to exercise.
As the ancients said,
Mens sana in corpore sano.
Oh, yes, indeed.
I think of you as one
of the great and
classic educators of yore.
Plato, Aristotle,
in flowing robes, stately,
sober, dignified.
Roaming the groves of
academe, dispensing
wisdom and knowledge.
And now, please come
and meet the new
member of our faculty.
Professor Fenster,
I'd like you to meet
Professor Jonathan Jones
ancient Eastern languages.
Glad to meet you,
Professor Jones.
I...
Charmed.
Joshua.
Yes, my dear.
Please take Hercules.
Yes, a pleasure.
There we are.
Now you'll excuse me, please.
Oh, certainly.
Yes. Of course.
By George, that's
a beautiful cat.
Yes, isn't it?
He loves strangers.
Would you like to hold him?
Uh...
Dean?
Let me get this straight.
You are Professor Fenster?
Well, my friends
call me Virginia.
And to think you're
the famous Jonathan Jones.
Oh, well, not so famous.
Not so famous?
Why, everybody
in the field is familiar
with your doctorate thesis
on the transmutation
of the Latin "F" to "B"
in Teutonic languages.
Well, that was
quite a while ago.
And I simply devoured
your latest book.
Really?
The Semantics of
Dionysius of Halicarnassus?
Yes. I could hardly
put it down.
Well. But I thought your
field was modern languages,
like Professor Kellgore's.
Oh, well, it is.
Oh.
But I've also studied
ancient Eastern languages.
Like me.
Like you.
I see.
Very interesting. Very.
Uh, tell me,
of these two specialties,
Professor Fenster...
Virginia.
Virginia.
Of these two specialties,
Virginia, which
will you utilize here?
Well, I wish I knew. The dean
told me I was to prepare
myself for either course.
He said he has an
important decision to make.
But really, Professor Jones...
Jonathan.
Jonathan.
Really, I think it's so
fascinating to meet the author
of those wonderful books.
You can teach
me so much.
I warn you, you're going
to see a lot of me.
Yes, well, I've already
seen a lot of you, Virginia.
You were going to forget all
about that, remember?
Ah, forgive me.
I stand corrected.
Then those charming
translations of the French
fabliau were yours?
Yes. I loved doing them.
I loved reading them.
Been hunting any
dinosaurs lately, Jones?
Not lately.
What on earth did
he mean by that?
I haven't the faintest idea.
What's she hanging
around there for?
Oh, what a kook. If...
Quiet
You wouldn't be afraid to
be in that house alone with
old Jim here, would ya?
Jimmy, you promised.
Oh, come on.
Jimmy! Stop it!
Oh, well, you're
safe with me.
That's what you think.
What's the matter?
I don't know
I'm okay now, though.
Are you sure?
Let's just wat
ch the movie, huh?
Gladly.
At Harvard, I was
a history major, actually.
Then I narrowed my specialty
to the Asianic cultures.
Under Professor Sandor?
Yes. A wonderful old man.
He stimulated my interest
in ancient languages.
Sanskrit, Hebrew, Astyparaean.
Astyparaean!
That reminds me.
Excuse me for a moment,
I must speak to the dean
on an important matter.
Sir?
Oh, hello, my boy.
How are you getting along
with Professor Fenster?
Oh, fine, sir.
Splendid.
A most talented young lady.
Yes, she is.
But I have something I
want to discuss with you
Oh? Very well.
Yes, sir. I had to
tell someone.
It's so important,
and, well, you're the only
one to whom I could turn.
Then by all means, my boy.
Well, sir, it's
this power I have.
Power?
Yes, sir
The power to disable,
even to kill.
Kill?
I know it sounds fantastic,
and it's going to be very hard
for you to believe, but...
Well, I really don't
know where to begin.
May I make a suggestion?
Please do.
Begin at the beginning,
go on until you
come to the end.
Then stop.
No, I think it would be
better if I begin at
the end and work back.
In fact, that's why
I brought these along.
I knew I'd have a hard time
convincing you without proof
so on the way over
I stopped in at a pet shop.
Great Scott, Jones.
Those are mice, aren't they?
Just white mice, sir.
But...
They're absolutely essenti
to my demonstration, sir.
What demonstration?
The demonstration
of the power of Zotz
Zotz?
Yes, sir. Zotz.
And if you will allow me
Well, I most certainly
will not allow you.
Do you mean to
tell me you intend to let
these creatures out here?
Yes, sir.
Have you taken
leave of your senses?
d,
Trust me, sir. Within
one split second after
those mice are release
they will be motionles
s, harmless, lifeless.
Zotz! Zotz! Zotz!
Jones!
Ellen Mae,
what a lovely cake.
It's beautiful.
I just can't wait
to taste it.
Zotz!
Zotz! Zotz!
Zotz! Zotz!
Zotz! Zotz!
Zotz! Zotz!
Zotz!
Zotz!
It's all right, dear.
Everything's all right.
Thank you very much.
Zotz, I said! Zotz!
Z-O-T-Z, Zotz!
Jones! Come up.
Why have you done this?
I don't understand.
It worked before.
I simply pointed while
the coin was in my pocket.
What coin?
This one
The coin that I...
I'm sure I have it.
Oh, no! Cynthia!
She must have taken it.
What about Cynthia?
Why, this is terrible.
She's going out tonight.
She doesn't know the
power she possesses.
Jones! I...
Excuse me, sir.
I must stop her.
I demand...
Check.
Cynthia? Cynthia? Cynthia?
Cynthia? Oh.
Hello, Virginia.
Jonathan.
Is something wrong?
Yes, something is
terribly wrong.
Well, what is it?
Can I help?
No, nobody can help.
Wait a minute.
Have you got your car?
Yes.
Well, what are we
waiting for? Let's go.
Where to?
I don't know.
First Street, I guess.
And keep your eye
peeled for a hot rod
containing a very
pretty girl and the son
of Horatio Kellgore.
What is this all about?
Well, there's this little...
You wouldn't believe it.
You wouldn't believe it.
Say, I know
a cozy, little spot
where we could...
Just a soda, please.
Just a soda.
Yeah, I get the message.
There they are.
Where do you want to go?
How about the Sip and Dip?
Let's see,
the Sip and Dip. That's
north of here, isn't it?
No. It's south.
No, no. No, no, no!
I'm sure the ice cream
parlor is that way.
Okay.
Follow that car!
Cynthia!
Hi, Uncle Jonathan.
What are you doing here?
Cynthia, come home at once.
What?
Come home at once.
Never mind.
Stay right there.
I'll get you.
It's all right, darling.
Come along with me.
But Uncle Jonathan!
No arguments.
Well, we were only
going over to the...
Stop!
Excuse me.
Don't do that.
Why?
Because it's not
polite to point.
Huh?
Come along, darling. You'd
better let me have this, too.
And after all that, he say
"It's not polite to point."
Uh, that's all?
That's all.
What a kook!
Yeah, very interesting.
Well, thank you, my boy.
Run along to bed.
Okay. Good night, Dad.
Good night.
Good morning, darling.
Good morning.
Poison. Slow death.
Uncle Jonathan.
Yes.
All that stuff you said
last night about the coin...
What were you drinking
at the dean's party?
Soda pop, of course.
What are you implying?
Well, it's all a little hard
to swallow, you know.
That stuff about
ancient magic and the
pointing finger and...
What was that word again?
Never mind.
Uncle Jonathan, have
you been feeling all right?
Of course I have.
I'm in the pink of
condition.
Well, then, why do
you have an appointment
with the doctor this morning?
Doctor? I have no
appointment with a doctor.
Yes, you do. At 9:00.
Miss Carruthers of the medical
staff phoned to remind you
when you were in the shower.
She said the dean
made the appointment.
Really? That's odd.
Ah, it must be the annual
physical checkup.
Good idea, actually.
Mens sana in corpore sano,
you know.
What?
Sound mind
in a sound body.
9:00, you said?
I'd better be on my way.
Bye, darling.
Bye.
Uh, good morning.
I'm Professor Jones.
Oh, good morning, Professor.
You can go right in.
Dr. Kroner's expecting you.
Thank you.
Good morning, Dr. Kroner.
Pleasure to meet you.
I'm Jones,
ancient Eastern languages.
Sit down, Professor.
It's a very sensib
le thing, checkups.
As I was saying to my
niece only this morning,
Mens sana in corpore sano.
Quite.
I think you'll find me
in top condition.
Exercise, a sensible diet,
don't drink, don't smoke.
Professor Jones,
I think perhaps...
These are my own.
Every single one
Hearing, perfect.
Vision, 20/20.
Blood pressure..
Sir!
...seven. Yes?
Please put your
clothes back on
and then make yourself
comfortable on the couch.
Put my clothes...
Put them back... Oh!
Very well, if you wish.
I simply thought that I...
Couch?
Yes. Just lie down and relax.
You mean you're
that kind of a doctor?
Now, don't worry about
a thing, Professor.
The dean sent me to you?
He thinks I'm crazy?
Now, now, now, now.
Crazy's an unfortunate
word, don't you agree?
I certainly do! And if you
think I'm going to submit
to an examination by a...
Do you always
react so violently?
Violently?
Why, no. Not at all.
In fact, I'm a quiet man
Studious.
Oh, I see, quiet
and studious sometimes
and violent at other times.
Almost like two
different people, hmm?
Now, look here.
If you're trying to say
I'm schizophrenic...
Oh. Do you feel that
I'm persecuting you?
No!
It all began when my niece
received a charm bracelet.
Oh, Professor Kellgore.
Professor Fenster.
Do you know where I might find
Professor Jones this morning?
I have a little
translation problem
I'd like to discuss
with him.
Jones? Jones?
No, I haven't seen him
since the cocktail party
yesterday evening.
Behaved very
peculiarly, didn't he?
Perhaps I can help.
Well, I'm afraid it's in t
field of ancient languages
Professor Kellgore.
Call me Horatio.
Well, I must run.
Thanks, anyway.
Please continue, Professor.
That's all there is to tell.
Yes.
Now, if I understand
you correctly,
you say that
you're actually able to
destroy living creatures
by pointing your
finger at them
and speaking this
word, "Zotz."
Yes, but only if
the coin is on my person.
Don't you see that all
this is mere delusion?
Delusion?
Why, I've seen it
with my own eyes.
A line of people on
the sidewalk, mown down
as if by a machine gun.
Hallucination.
It was not hallucination
And there was the moth
and the cat and the ships
and the squirrel
and the dinosaur
The dinosaur, Professor?
I mean, the lizard.
Just a little lizard,
you know.
Yes. Yes, of course. It was
a baby dinosaur, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was...
No, no, no.
Professor Jones,
you're an intelligent man
and I won't try to humor you
But surely you can understand
that these delusions of yours
are merely a result
of your repressed hostility,
your aggressive feelings
toward society.
I have no aggressive feeling
toward society, Dr. Kroner.
I must confess,
at this moment,
however,
I have aggressive
feelings toward you.
Well, that's
a perfectly normal reaction.
As a matter of fact,
you're a classic case.
I will not be referred
to as a "classic case!"
Sir, this power of
yours does not exist.
It does exist!
Then show me.
What?
Show me. Convince me.
Demonstrate this
horrible force,
this power you have
over life and death.
Very well. But what shall
I demonstrate it on?
Me.
Oh, I couldn't do that.
Why not?
Well, it would
cause you pain.
Well, now why should
that concern you?
You've already said
that you have aggressive
feelings toward me.
Here's your chance
to unleash them.
Oh, I can't.
Of course you can't.
Because this power
is not real.
It is.
It's imaginary.
It's not.
Not what?
Not real. I mean imaginary.
There, you see?
You can't distinguish between
reality and imagination.
I'm sorry, Doctor,
but there's no other way
You put on
a good act, Professor.
Remember, you brought
this on yourself.
Go ahead. Take out
your hostility on me.
It will do you
a world of good.
I was doubled over,
like this.
It was very painful.
Perhaps he hypnotized you.
Well, I know a bit more abou
hypnosis than you do, Dean,
and I can assure you
I was not hypnotized
Then, how do you
explain it?
Very simple.
Appendicitis
I shall enter
the hospital the first
thing in the morning.
No, no.
Of course not, my boy.
It's simply that I think
you need a rest.
Sir, I'm in perfect health.
Go away for a few days.
A week.
Please, sir,
if you'd only
listen to me
Go someplace to relax.
Take a trip.
A trip?
Yes.
A trip.
Well, I think you'd better try
Lieutenant Stefanski, sir.
He may be able
to help you.
You don't understand
I don't want him to help m
I want to help him.
Yes, sir.
But you'd better see
the lieutenant anyway.
You'll find him
in 3C-4L-3-S-19.
Three C...
It's very simple, sir.
You see, this building
has five sides,
A, B, C, D and E.
Now 3C means
the third floor
of side C. That way.
That way.
The next number tells you
what corridor to take.
Four.
That's right over there.
Over there.
The second three
means the third court,
then, S-19 is the 19th
stanchion on your left.
You can't miss it, sir.
Thank you. What was
that floor again?
Third floor, sir.
Third floor.
You see, Lieutenant Stefanski,
they sent me in
to see you, but...
Professor Jones, I'm afraid
the army isn't interested.
There are many such
suggestions that come
across my desk every day,
and we are not interested.
Now you listen to me...
Oh, now be reasonable, Henry.
I handled the last one.
That screwball with the
steam-operated machine gun.
It's your turn now.
What do you mean,
you've got a stomach ache?
What about
Lieutenant Stefanski?
Captain Byron? Major Foulger?
They've all got
stomach aches?
I tell you, it's that
lousy food they serve
in the cafeteria.
All right. All right,
send him over.
Yes?
General Bullivar.
Yes.
There's a Professor Jones
who wishes to see you.
I know. I know.
Tell him to wheel it in.
Wheel what in, sir?
A death ray, or whatever it is
he thinks he's invented.
He doesn't have
anything with him, sir.
Not even a briefcase.
Oh, one of those
quiet ones, huh?
Well, I guess there's no use
delaying it. Send him in.
Yes, sir
Professor Jones, sir
Hello there, how are you?
So you're the fellow that's
come all the way from
California just to talk to us.
Yes, sir.
I'm delighted to
meet you, Professor.
Thank you, General.
Sit down. Sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
Well,
thank you very much.
Well, did you have
a pleasant trip?
Most pleasant, thanks.
And how are you enjoying
your visit to the capital?
Well, I only arrived
this morning...
Now, take my advice,
don't miss
the Lincoln Memorial.
It's a very moving experience.
It brings tears to my eyes
every time I see it.
Well, I'm sure it's
most impressive.
Have a cigar.
What? No, thank you.
Do you mind if I get
right to the point?
Oh, yes, of course.
The colonel mentioned
something about a new weapon.
Well, it's not
exactly a weapon
Oh? Well, what is it?
A gun, a bomb?
Would you be interested
in a method to immobilize,
even destroy, as you
choose, every living thing
within range of vision?
Ships, tanks, planes
How do you intend
to go about this?
Light rays?
Sound vibrations?
Black magic?
Yes.
Yes, what?
Black magic. You see,
I'm a human weapon.
Now, look, Professor,
I do not have the time
to stand around making jokes.
I'm not joking,
I assure you.
A human weapon!
Are you serious?
I've never been mo
re serious in my life
You see...
I see. I see.
You're some sort
of a magician, huh?
What?
Look, I'm afraid they've sent
you to the wrong department.
Now what you want is
the Entertainment Division
of Special Services.
I'll make one little
phone call and settle
this whole thing for you.
No! Wait! Wait!
Now, get me Colonel...
General! I can prove it.
Never mind.
All right, prove it.
Excuse me.
Look. That airplane up there.
Uh-huh.
Now watch this.
I'm watching
You see?
Wonderful! Marvelous!
Now watch this.
Uh-huh.
There. And the secret
lies in this ancient coin.
In that coin?
Well, well, well
And you see,
this makes it possible to...
You know, this is
a marvelous little inventi
you have here, Professor.
Well, it's not exactly
an invention...
I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.
I'm going to have my
secretary help you fill out
form number W5A16,
in quadruplicate...
But, sir...
This will be filed
and duly considered
at the next meeting
of the Chiefs of Staff.
How long before
I hear from you?
Well, the next meeting is
sometime in December.
December!
Yes, yes.
Of course, anything
suggested at that meeting
will have to be forwarded
onto higher echelons.
But this power of mine
is immediate...
Well, of course,
I believe that if you leave
your name and address,
you can expect
to receive some sort of
communication from us
after the first of the year.
What sort of communication?
Well, now...
General, don't you think
the state of world
conditions today
demands that you
take immediate...
I think that you're
absolutely right,
and we are wasting
time standing here
talking about it.
Yes, we are.
I'm glad that we
see eye to eye.
And I will start the wheels
in motion right now.
Corporal, I want you
to drop everything
and help Professor Jones
here fill out form W5A16.
Thank you, Professor.
No, sir, but, General...
Please sit down, Professor.
This may take a while.
Well, thanks,
but don't bother.
But what about form W5A16?
You tell the general
that he can...
Oh, never mind.
I beg your pardon.
Don't I know you?
No, I don't believe so.
My name is Hugh Fundy.
What is that, may I ask?
This? This is a death ray.
Oh. Well, good luck.
Uncle Jonathan, I didn't
expect you home tonight.
Well, I decided
to cut my trip short.
Hey, you're all
dressed up. How come?
For the farewell dinner
for the dean, you remember.
Gee, it's nice
you returned
in time for it.
Yeah, I'd better change.
I won't be five minutes.
Well, I'll meet you
at the country club.
Can't you wait
while I change?
Well, gee, Uncle Jonathan,
I expected you to be
out of town tonight,
and I told Jimmy I'd go
with him. And there he is.
Bye, see you at the club.
There's sauerkraut juice
in the fridge.
I'm coming!
Virginia!
Hello.
Oh, hello, Virginia?
Jonathan.
Oh, Jonathan,
you're back.
So soon?
Yeah, I got homesick,
I guess.
Say, the reason
I'm calling, I...
I thought I might
escort you to the
farewell dinner tonight.
Well, I'm awfully sorry,
but I was sure you'd be
away and I...
Well, I accepted
an invitation to
go with Horatio.
Horatio. Kellgore?
Well, yes. You see...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Now, please try
to understand.
Oh, I understand.
I understand perfectly.
Oh, Jonathan.
Bye.
Well, here we are.
Dean Updike, of course,
and Mrs. Updike,
Professor Adams,
the principal
and, Virginia,
I want you to sit there,
and of course, I shall occupy
the speaker's chair.
Is everything satisfactory,
Professor Kellgore?
Oh, yes.
Yes, it seems to be.
Of course, this is
a very special occasion,
you understand.
I want everything exactly
right. I've made myself
personally responsible.
Of course.
Perhaps I may have the
waiter bring you a cocktail
before the others arrive?
No, no. It might
relax me too much.
Have to make
a speech right after dinner.
Yes.
Good evening.
Hello. Hi, Dad. Hello,
Professor Fenster.
Hello, Jimmy.
Hello, Cynthia.
Just in time, James.
Good evening, Cynthia.
I'm so sorry your uncle won't
be able to make it tonight.
Better check the wine.
Oh, but he's back.
I told him to meet us here.
I know, dear,
but when I talked to h
im on the phone just now,
he said he was too
exhausted from his tri
p, that he wouldn't come.
Virginia, would you
check the guest list?
It's a good thing,
if you ask me.
What do you mean?
Well, we all want everythi
to be nice for the dean's
farewell dinner, don't we?
Are you implying
that my Uncle Jonathan...
Look, don't get be
nt out of shape.
Your uncle's okay.
I guess. But everybody kno
he's a little bit kooks.
Kooks!
Yeah.
Well, like that night
he chased us in
Professor Fenster's car.
And, well, you
heard about those
mice, didn't you?
Jimmy Kellgore, if you...
Oh, forget it.
Let's sit down, huh?
James?
Yeah, Dad?
Would you come here?
Excuse me.
Yeah, Dad?
Now, James, I want to
caution you about the
way you behave tonight.
No raucousness
or ungentlemanly
behavior.
Oh, sure, Dad.
This is a very important
evening, you understand.
The dean still hasn't
named a successor,
and his decision could stand
or fall on the impression
that I create at the dinner.
Understand?
I dig.
Don't... Speak English.
Oh, dear.
Good evening, my dear Dean.
Professor.
Good evening... Oh!
Mrs. Updike. May I say
that you look dangerously
lovely this evening?
Professor Kellgore,
you say the
most awful things.
It was very nice of you
to preside tonight, Kellgore.
Well, when I heard
that Professor Jones
would be absent,
I felt that someone
had to take things in hand.
Yes, quite so.
Poor Jones.
Excellent man, really, but...
I'm sorry, my dear,
I didn't mean to...
That's all right, sir.
Shall we sit down?
The others should
be along presently.
Dean, the chair of honor,
of course. There you are
Get out of the way,
will you?
Mrs. Updike, would you grace
our table with your radiance?
Charmed.
"When in disgrace with
fortune and men's eyes
"I all alone beweep
my outcast state."
Here's how.
"And trouble deaf heaven
with my bootless cries,
"and look upon myself,
and curse my fate."
Oh...
And speaking of our
beloved dean's regretted
departure from our midst
I would like to borrow an
aphorism from the works
of the great La Rochefoucauld.
The...
Hello, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.
Accept my apologies, Horatio.
Yes, yes. It's good to see
you, Jones. Most unexpected.
Did you have a nice trip?
Fantastic.
I hope you didn't miss
the Lincoln Memorial,
a very moving experience
Brings tears to my eyes
every time I see it.
Yeah, well,
if you don't mind,
just sit down, please.
Yes.
Traitor.
Jonathan, you... n.
Don't bother to explai
My dear friends... Friends?
My dear and true friends,
although I usually abstain
from intoxicating spirits,
I would on this occasi
on like to indulge
in sort of a token
sip of this
ceremonial champagne
It is indeed fitting
that I propose a toast
to our beloved dean.
And put into words
the true feelings
in my heart...
Zotz!
Your knowledge has
been a guiding hand
for all these many years
building towards dedication
to something recognized
the whole world over
in the tremendous force
of the noble language.
And so on this
emotional occasion...
It's disgraceful.
The man's making a drunken
exhibition of himself.
I know, my dear,
but what can I do?
Assert yourself.
...hold this party
in recognition...
Yes, yes, Kellgore.
Very nice indeed of you.
Thank you.
But I haven't finished yet.
Thank you, Kellgore.
That will be all.
I'm sure what my
colleague, Professor
Kellgore, means to say
is something which all of
us feel in our hearts,
but find very
difficult to express
Simply ave atque vale.
Hail and farewell.
Hail and farewell.
Hail and farewell.
Hail.
Thank you, Jonathan.
Thank you very much.
It's good to have
you among us again.
And now, for heaven's sake,
let's enjoy ourselves.
Professor Jones?
Yes, I'm Jones.
A gentleman to see you, sir,
just inside the main entrance.
To see me?
Yes, sir.
Oh, very well. Excuse me.
Who is kooks now?
Here, sir.
Thank you.
Professor Jones?
Yes.
Jonathan Jones?
That's right
Well, I'm sure
glad I was able to
find you so quickly.
My name is Bates,
Josh Bates.
What can I do for you,
Mr. Bates?
Well, it's more a question
of what we can do for you.
I'm with the government,
Professor.
Ah...
And I've been sent to bring
you back to Washington.
I see. Well, perhaps first
thing tomorrow morning.
No, sir. Now.
Now?
Yes, sir. Nobody knows
better than yourself, sir,
how important this matter is.
Yes, but I...
And how timely.
Well, that's true.
However, my friends
and family in there...
And how secret, Professor.
Why, if you were to tell the
that you were flying back
to Washington tonight,
word might leak out.
You have a point, Mr. Bates.
Still, if I could just
have a few seconds
with my niece, I...
There isn't time, Professor.
Please, sir.
The plane is waiting.
Well, you can phone
your niece later.
All right, Mr. Bates.
Let's go.
Very powerful plane.
Only the best
for you, Professor.
Yes, very interesting.
I don't know what happened,
but I had a feeling
like I was floating.
Cynthia, where's your uncle?
I don't know.
I must get a checkup,
you know. I'm sick,
I think. Really.
Excuse me.
Where are you going,
Professor?
Mr. Bates.
Yes?
You are, you said,
with the government?
That's right, Professor.
What government?
You will learn the answer
to that question very soon.
I was afraid of that.
Oh, you need be afraid
of nothing, Professor.
You are to be
our honored guest.
But not in Washington?
Not, as you say,
in Washington.
But this is preposterous!
Why are your people
interested in me?
Something about
an ancient coin.
What coin?
The one with the secrets.
What secrets?
I neither
know nor care.
Atomic secrets, I suppose,
hidden inside it,
or something of that nature.
I will relieve you
of that object.
You will not
do that again.
Oh, no? Why won't I?
Because we have taken
certain precautions.
What kind of precautions?
I will tell you.
I see.
That's right, Professor.
If anything happens to me,
or to this plane,
my comrade, Igor,
has orders...
I understand.
That is good
When we reach
our destination,
you will reveal to us
the secrets of this coin
Until that time,
I will take charge of it
What?
The coin!
Oh. Oh, yes, the coin.
Give it to me.
You don't think I carry
a thing like that around
with me, do you?
What?
It's in a hiding place
back in Saracen Valley.
Back in...
You'll have to turn
the plane around.
Why, I don't know
if we can...
It will be dangerous
for us to return.
Dangerous for your niece
and Professor Fenster,
since we are expected
at our destination
at a specified time,
and if we do not arrive,
certain instructions
will be radioed to Igor.
Therefore, I assume
that you will allow
me to search you
in order to make
absolutely sure that
a return is necessary.
You're right.
The coin is not on you.
Now, then, where is
this coin? At your home?
No.
Then, where?
First, you must
take me to the place
where my niece
and Virginia Fenster
are being held prisoner.
Before I give you anything,
I must make sure
they're unharmed.
Capitalist pig!
It is I who make
the bargains here, not you.
Now, remember this, Bates,
or whatever your name is.
If those two ladies are hurt
you'll have no threat
to hold over my head.
And you will no longer
be able to force me
to co-operate with you.
Now, where are they?
The cellar of an office
building in your city.
What building?
The Consolidated Building.
Then I suggest
you instruct your friend
to step on the gas.
Oh, and one more
thing, Mr. Bates Yes?
I hope you realize
that if we don't
get there in time,
and your friend receives
his radio orders to harm
those two ladies,
there will be absolutely
nothing to prevent my
using that secret weapon
on you again,
do you understand?
I understand.
No! No!
Cynthia. Virginia.
Are you all right?
Thank God.
Well, Professor,
are you satisfied that
the ladies are unharmed?
We will go now
and get that coin.
Yes, I am satisfied
the ladies are unharmed.
And it is now my pleasure
to inform you that you are
completely within my power.
What?
I withheld that power
only to save them.
The hands.
But now...
Something about the hands.
Igor!
Let me...
Ow!
I don't know what this
secret weapon of yours is,
or how you operate it.
I suppose it's some mechanism
concealed in your clothes,
but I did observe that
in order to activate it,
you had to raise your arms.
And unless I'm gravely
mistaken, I have now
rendered you powerless.
It's no use, Professor,
that tape is very strong.
Now, shall we go
and get that coin?
All right. You win.
Very sensible.
After you, sir.
May I say goodbye
to my niece?
I'm a civilized man.
Of course you may.
Thank you.
Uncle Jonathan.
Listen, if you
and Virginia make a run
for it, they won't follow.
They're more interested in
me. Get to the police
and bring them back here.
But...
Do as I say.
All right, Jones.
That's enough.
You and I will go
for the coin.
Igor will remain here
with the ladies
in the event that...
Run! Hurry! Run!
Don't you want that coin?
I've got it!
It's in my pocket.
I've had it all the time.
You're lying.
Am I?
I've searched you.
Not well enough.
Well, if you really have i
throw it to me.
With my hands like this?
Uh-uh. If you want it,
come and get it.
Zotz!
Jones, I warn you.
I want that coin!
You'll have to take it!
May I remind you that
you are now powerless?
Jones, I want that coin.
I'll give you till
the count of three.
One... Bates, listen.
No discussions, please.
Just the coin. Two...
I... I...
Three!
Zotz!
Amazing phenomenon,
Bates, isn't it?
Zotz!
Take your time, Igor.
Just take your time.
Wouldn't you know it?
Not a cop in sight.
Stop this silly game,
Professor.
Give me the coin
and no harm will come...
No!
Professor,
don't be ridiculous!
You'll fall.
Don't worry about me.
Zotz!
Stop! Stop, I say!
Zotz!
That's it.
Zotz!
It's no use.
You are powerless
without that coin!
Bates, I warn you.
The slightest
noise or vibration...
What are your plans no
w, Professor Zotz?
The name is Jones,
young man.
Jonathan Jones.
And my plans are to return
to Saracen Valley College
on the next plane
and begin my
duties as the new
dean of languages.
General Bullivar,
do you think the coin
will be recovered?
Well, it's hard to say.
It might have floated all
the way out into the Pacific.
Needle in a haystack.
However, we're using
maximum effort, radar,
sonar, loren, submarines...
The newest type
of magnetic devices.
Oh, modern science
is a wonderful thing.
My personal opinion is that
we stand an even chance
of regaining the coin
for the good of humanity.
What do you think, Professor?
Well, I agree
with the general
I think the chances
are excellent that
the coin will be found.
Bye, General.
Thanks again
for your hospitality
Thank you for overlooking
the unfortunate circumstances
of our first meeting.
That's a private
joke, gentlemen.
Our congratulations again.
I know that you two are
going to be very happy.
Goodbye, sir.
Come, Mrs. Jones
We have time for just
one short visit before
we catch the plane.
Visit? With whom?
Someone that we both
should meet, I think
Goodbye, sir.
Goodbye.
Gentlemen.
Goodbye, General
Bye-bye.
- Bye.
For once, Horatio Kellgore
and I see eye to eye.
Zotz all!
Zotz?
What's Zotz?
One.
Two.
Three.
Uncle Jonathan.
Morning,
Uncle Jonathan.
Morning, darling
Poison. Slow death.
Yes, but what
a way to go.
Straight sauerkraut juice!
How do you do it?
Very bracing.
You must try it sometime.
How's the wheat germ?
Sounds good.
Superb.
Oh, that must be the mailman.
No, I'll get it.
I'm expecting a journal of the
American Etymological Society.
Anything for me?
Just a postcard from
your vacationing parents.
Hey, Venice, very pretty
Nothing from Eddie?
Eddie? Who's Eddie?
You know very well who
Eddie is. Eddie Prentiss.
One of your brightest
pupils last term.
Prentiss. Prentiss.
The boy who won a fellowship
and went on an archaeological
expedition to Uk... Uk...
Uh, Ukranistan?
Yes. That is from Eddie.
Only teasing you, darling.
Oh, look, a present.
It's a charm bracelet.
Mmm, it's very pretty.
What does Prentiss
have to say?
Just a lot of personal
stuff. You know.
I know.
But he says
he'll be home soon.
They found the ruins
they were looking for.
Mmm. Excellent.
In fact, the charm
on the bracelet is
some ancient coin
he found in a temple
they uncovered there.
It was attached to the
right hand of a gigantic
stone idol, he says.
It's a relic from some
ancient civilization.
Isn't that exciting?
Mmm.
"Shesh, shash."
Shesh, shash.
Jones!
Morning, Kellgore.
You almost ran me down.
Oh, I'm very sorry.
But I didn't, did I?
No, but you ca
me awfully close.
Please accept my apologies,
old man. Shesh, shash.
Uh, what'd you say?
What? Say? Oh, nothing,
Kellgore, nothing.
Well, it sounded like
you said "shesh, shash."
Oh, yes, I did.
Quite right.
Yes. Shesh, shash.
Morning, Kellgore.
Morning, Jones.
Good morning.
Good morning,
Professor.
Yesterday, we considered the
transmutation of certain words
from the Assyro Babylonic.
And we noted that the Assyro
Babylonic word for house, bitu,
appears in the
classical Hebrew as...
As what, Mr. Crane?
Uh, bayeth.
Well, almost right, Mr. Crane.
Thank you.
The correct pronunciation
is bayeth.
And who can tell us what form
the word takes in Aramaic?
Yes, Miss Blakiston?
Baytha
Quite right, Miss Blakisto
Thank you.
You could build a tremendous
edifice of error
based on the fact
that the Hebrew and
Sanskrit words for "six"
are almost identical,
although wholly unrelated.
They are,
if I may remind you,
sheshand shash.
Shesh, shash?
Uh, yes, sir. Right in
the middle of the campus,
this morning. Shesh, shash
Professor Kellgore, I don't
think we need worry ourselves.
Professor Jones is a very
brilliant man in the field of
ancient Eastern languages,
as you are brilliant
in the field of modern
European languages.
I think we can allow
him a few little
peculiarities, hmm?
Sir, I'm sure that
Professor Jones is
excellent in the classroom.
Well, then?
But his executive ability...
Could Saracen Valley
have a dean of language
who goes around
muttering "shesh, shash"?
Hmm. Well, I haven't
retired yet, Professor,
nor have I named
my successor.
It's still a choice between
you and Professor Jones.
Then you haven't
decided yet?
Not yet.
Then you'll take this
"shesh, shash"matter
under consideration?
Oh, I will, I will.
Thank you, Professor.
Good morning.
Good morning, Dean.
Good morning.
Shesh, shash.
Uncle Jonathan?
Yes.
How was your day?
Oh, fine.
What's for dinner?
Filet of eggplant?
Filet of eggplant.
Medium rare?
Of course.
Ah!
Mmm.
Oh, pass the
monosodium glutamate, please.
Thank you.
Say, you know, dear,
he really shouldn't have
sent this to you.
That's rightfully
the property of...
Why, it's Astyparaean!
Asty what?
Hey, that's mine.
Yes, yes, I know.
But if you don't...
It's from Eddie.
It's like a fraternity pin
or an engagement ring.
But you don't
understand, darling.
That inscription is
in the ancient
Astyparaean language.
Am I supposed to
know what that is?
It's a language
that's been dead
for over 5,000 years.
Why, there are only 10 men
in the world who can identify
it, much less translate it.
And I can.
But...
Now, look, dear,
maybe this inscription is
an ancient love poem.
Something Eddie would
want you to hear, hmm?
Well...
Ah, yes, of course.
"First graspeth thou the
sacred disk in thy left hand.
"Now cometh the
letting of, letting of..."
Letting of...
Blood, of course.
"Letting of blood.
"And the drinking.
.. Drinking of blood."
"Now remaineth
only the pronouncing
"of the sacred...
"Sacred name of
the great god, Zotz!"
No! Please! Please!
Let me in!
Please! You can't leave me out
in this storm. Not like this.
Put this on quickly!
Oh. Thanks.
You're welcome.
Now, please go.
Like this?
Well, you can't stay here.
But I have to.
It's the most amazing thing
that's ever happened to me.
I'm not going to embarrass
you by asking you how
you got into this condition.
After all, I'm
a man of the world.
I was struck by lightning.
You were what?
Well, I was hurrying
along, trying to beat out
this sudden storm, when...
Well, I think I was
struck by lightning.
Mmm. I have heard of cases
where people were struck
by lightning and had
their clothes torn off
without hurting them.
Usually these people
were branded by
the mark of the bolt.
I seem to be all right.
Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
But you can't stay here.
I mean, I'm a bachelor.
I don't have a wife.
I'm not married.
Well, what can I do?
Do? What can
you do? I don't... My niece!
I'll wake her up. Uh, no.
She might think...
I mean, not that she'd
have any real... I mean...
I'll go upstairs and get
some of her clothes.
They'll probably fit.
I think you're about
the same size. Anyway,
you wait right here.
Oh, I will. I will.
Uncle Jonathan?
Oh, it's all right, dear.
Go back to sleep.
Well, what...
Nothing.
Just let it go.
There. Now, please go!
Well, can I put
them on first?
Oh, oh, yes, of course.
I'll, uh, turn my back.
Oh, thanks.
You haven't asked
me my name.
No, I haven't.
Uh, I thought it was
better that way.
I agree.
Do they, uh, fit?
Most of them.
The shoes are
a little big, and the...
Something else is
a little small,
but I'll get by.
What? Oh, yes.
You can turn around now.
Will I do?
Well, at least
you won't be cold.
I want to thank you.
Not only for what you did,
but for what
you're going to do.
Going to do?
Forget about this.
Oh, yes, yes, of course.
Of course.
Oh, you'd better
take this with you.
Oh. Oh, no, it's stopped.
It has?
Why, so it has. Odd.
"So foul and fair
a day I have not seen."
That's Shakespeare.
Macbeth,Act One, I know.
You do?
Uh-huh.
Well.
Good night.
Uh, good night.
Macbeth.Act One.
And there are other
basic affinities in the
languages of this group.
For example,
in all of them,
ancient and modern,
masculine nouns take a
feminine number, and vice
versa, from three to 10.
Who can give us an
example of this
grammatical idiosyncrasy?
Yes, Mr. Crane?
Are you all right,
Mr. Crane? Would you
like to be excused?
Uh, no. I'm all right now.
Uh, it must have
been something I ate.
Uh, an example.
The word for "goat,"
for instance, is
masculine, but three
goats is feminine.
Oh, very good, Mr. Crane.
That's quite right.
And now, who can tell
us in what parts of
the modern world
the Turkish
language is spoken?
Yes, Miss Blakiston.
Actually, although
it's not generally known,
Osmanli is the head
of a large family
of tongues.
The Turkish language in its
several dialects is spoken
from Central Persia to...
Is something wrong,
Professor Jones?
Uh, wrong? Oh, no, no,
Miss Blakiston.
From Central
Persia to Siberia.
The dialects sometimes
differ greatly.
For example...
Uh, that's fine,
Miss Blakiston, thank you.
But I haven't finished.
Class dismissed.
"Thus is gained
the ancient threefold power,
"the first part
of which is that
"of the pointing finger,
"known as the power
of the sudden pain."
The sudden pain.
My goodness.
"The second part of
which is that
"of the uttered name,
"known as the power
"of retarded movement."
Zotz!
Mercy sakes.
"The third and
last part of which
is that of the
"pointing finger and the
uttered name together."
Well...
Zotz!
The silent death.
"He who holdeth this
sacred disk shall be
"imbued with this dreaded
threefold power
"only so long as it remains
in his possession.
"And should it
pass into the
hands of another,
"that other will
hold the power
"for a short time only."
Hmm.
Zotz!
Good afternoon, Jones.
Oh, hello, Kellgore.
Uh, what have you got ther
It looks like a lizard.
Lizard? Where? Oh, this.
Oh, this lizard. Oh, yes.
Yes, a remarkable
example of saurian life.
Yes, direct descendant
of the dinosaur.
Is that so? I didn't kno
w you were interested
in that sort of thing.
Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.
Fascinating subject.
Mmm. You don't say.
Oh, incidentally, Jones,
I suppose you've met our new
colleague, Professor Fenster?
No, I haven't.
What's Professor
Fenster's field?
Modern European languages,
or so I'm told.
Why, that's your field.
Yes, it is. One might almost
think they're considering,
what do you call it?
Kicking me upstairs.
Yeah. Or downstairs.
Yes. Well, toodle-oo, Jone
Have fun with your dinosaur.
Toodle-oo.
Zotz!
Extraordinary!
Zo...
Professor Jones,
are you feeling all right?
Yes, sir,
never better. Yes.
I understand you
dismissed your
class early today?
Why, yes, yes.
I gave them a heavy
assignment for the weekend.
I thought I'd better
let them get to the
library before it closed
But the library is open
until 8:00 tonight.
8:00? Oh, yes, so it is.
Yes. Hard to keep up with
these new rules.
That rule's been in
effect ever since 1918.
But no matter.
I'm glad I ran across you.
I want to invite
you for cocktails this
evening in my lodgings.
Oh, how nice.
I want you and the other
members of the faculty to
meet a new colleague.
Oh, Professor Fenster?
Oh, then you've met?
No, no.
Oh, well, in that case,
may we expect you at 6:00?
Oh, yes, yes, indeed.
Yes, sir.
Excellent. Splendid.
Oh, and, Professor?
Yes, Dean.
Don't work too hard.
Zotz!
Amazing.
Uncle Jonathan.
Better hurry if
you're going to make
that cocktail party at 6:00.
Yeah. Would you get me that
package on my bureau, darling?
What's in it?
Oh, just some things
I bought downtown.
Thank you.
I won't be here when you
get back, so don't wait up.
You have a date?
Uh-huh. Jimmy.
Jimmy who?
Jimmy Kellgore.
He's not much, but he'
ll do till Eddie gets home.
Jimmy Kellgore!
Horatio Kellgore's boy?
Yes. Oh, it's not serious
or anything like that.
It's just a date.
Not a date, date.
But Kellgore's son.
Oh, Jimmy's all right.
Kind of a wolf,
but I can handle him.
Zotz!
Zotz!
Zotz!
You'd better hurry,
Uncle Jonathan.
All right, I'm coming.
Cynthia, baby.
Well, are you
all ready to go?
Anytime you are.
Okay.
Ah, Professor Jones.
How nice of you to come.
Will you have a martini?
Oh, no, thank you, sir.
Uh, I don't suppose you
have any sauerkraut juice?
Why, no, I don't think.
Uh, my... Persephone?
Yes?
Do we happen to have
any sauerkraut juice?
Sauerkraut juice?
I don't think so.
Oh, perhaps we
could get you a
soft drink, Professor?
That would be fine,
Mrs. Updike.
Take Hercules for a
moment, please, Joshua.
And get rid of that pipe.
You know it makes
Hercules ill.
There we are.
Thank you, Mrs. Updike.
Get rid of that pipe
Uh, yes, thanks.
Will you take Hercules?
Thank you so much.
Professor, if you
only knew how much
the dean and I
admire your abstinence
from strong drink,
your sensible diet,
your devotion to exercise.
As the ancients said,
Mens sana in corpore sano.
Oh, yes, indeed.
I think of you as one
of the great and
classic educators of yore.
Plato, Aristotle,
in flowing robes, stately,
sober, dignified.
Roaming the groves of
academe, dispensing
wisdom and knowledge.
And now, please come
and meet the new
member of our faculty.
Professor Fenster,
I'd like you to meet
Professor Jonathan Jones
ancient Eastern languages.
Glad to meet you,
Professor Jones.
I...
Charmed.
Joshua.
Yes, my dear.
Please take Hercules.
Yes, a pleasure.
There we are.
Now you'll excuse me, please.
Oh, certainly.
Yes. Of course.
By George, that's
a beautiful cat.
Yes, isn't it?
He loves strangers.
Would you like to hold him?
Uh...
Dean?
Let me get this straight.
You are Professor Fenster?
Well, my friends
call me Virginia.
And to think you're
the famous Jonathan Jones.
Oh, well, not so famous.
Not so famous?
Why, everybody
in the field is familiar
with your doctorate thesis
on the transmutation
of the Latin "F" to "B"
in Teutonic languages.
Well, that was
quite a while ago.
And I simply devoured
your latest book.
Really?
The Semantics of
Dionysius of Halicarnassus?
Yes. I could hardly
put it down.
Well. But I thought your
field was modern languages,
like Professor Kellgore's.
Oh, well, it is.
Oh.
But I've also studied
ancient Eastern languages.
Like me.
Like you.
I see.
Very interesting. Very.
Uh, tell me,
of these two specialties,
Professor Fenster...
Virginia.
Virginia.
Of these two specialties,
Virginia, which
will you utilize here?
Well, I wish I knew. The dean
told me I was to prepare
myself for either course.
He said he has an
important decision to make.
But really, Professor Jones...
Jonathan.
Jonathan.
Really, I think it's so
fascinating to meet the author
of those wonderful books.
You can teach
me so much.
I warn you, you're going
to see a lot of me.
Yes, well, I've already
seen a lot of you, Virginia.
You were going to forget all
about that, remember?
Ah, forgive me.
I stand corrected.
Then those charming
translations of the French
fabliau were yours?
Yes. I loved doing them.
I loved reading them.
Been hunting any
dinosaurs lately, Jones?
Not lately.
What on earth did
he mean by that?
I haven't the faintest idea.
What's she hanging
around there for?
Oh, what a kook. If...
Quiet
You wouldn't be afraid to
be in that house alone with
old Jim here, would ya?
Jimmy, you promised.
Oh, come on.
Jimmy! Stop it!
Oh, well, you're
safe with me.
That's what you think.
What's the matter?
I don't know
I'm okay now, though.
Are you sure?
Let's just wat
ch the movie, huh?
Gladly.
At Harvard, I was
a history major, actually.
Then I narrowed my specialty
to the Asianic cultures.
Under Professor Sandor?
Yes. A wonderful old man.
He stimulated my interest
in ancient languages.
Sanskrit, Hebrew, Astyparaean.
Astyparaean!
That reminds me.
Excuse me for a moment,
I must speak to the dean
on an important matter.
Sir?
Oh, hello, my boy.
How are you getting along
with Professor Fenster?
Oh, fine, sir.
Splendid.
A most talented young lady.
Yes, she is.
But I have something I
want to discuss with you
Oh? Very well.
Yes, sir. I had to
tell someone.
It's so important,
and, well, you're the only
one to whom I could turn.
Then by all means, my boy.
Well, sir, it's
this power I have.
Power?
Yes, sir
The power to disable,
even to kill.
Kill?
I know it sounds fantastic,
and it's going to be very hard
for you to believe, but...
Well, I really don't
know where to begin.
May I make a suggestion?
Please do.
Begin at the beginning,
go on until you
come to the end.
Then stop.
No, I think it would be
better if I begin at
the end and work back.
In fact, that's why
I brought these along.
I knew I'd have a hard time
convincing you without proof
so on the way over
I stopped in at a pet shop.
Great Scott, Jones.
Those are mice, aren't they?
Just white mice, sir.
But...
They're absolutely essenti
to my demonstration, sir.
What demonstration?
The demonstration
of the power of Zotz
Zotz?
Yes, sir. Zotz.
And if you will allow me
Well, I most certainly
will not allow you.
Do you mean to
tell me you intend to let
these creatures out here?
Yes, sir.
Have you taken
leave of your senses?
d,
Trust me, sir. Within
one split second after
those mice are release
they will be motionles
s, harmless, lifeless.
Zotz! Zotz! Zotz!
Jones!
Ellen Mae,
what a lovely cake.
It's beautiful.
I just can't wait
to taste it.
Zotz!
Zotz! Zotz!
Zotz! Zotz!
Zotz! Zotz!
Zotz! Zotz!
Zotz!
Zotz!
It's all right, dear.
Everything's all right.
Thank you very much.
Zotz, I said! Zotz!
Z-O-T-Z, Zotz!
Jones! Come up.
Why have you done this?
I don't understand.
It worked before.
I simply pointed while
the coin was in my pocket.
What coin?
This one
The coin that I...
I'm sure I have it.
Oh, no! Cynthia!
She must have taken it.
What about Cynthia?
Why, this is terrible.
She's going out tonight.
She doesn't know the
power she possesses.
Jones! I...
Excuse me, sir.
I must stop her.
I demand...
Check.
Cynthia? Cynthia? Cynthia?
Cynthia? Oh.
Hello, Virginia.
Jonathan.
Is something wrong?
Yes, something is
terribly wrong.
Well, what is it?
Can I help?
No, nobody can help.
Wait a minute.
Have you got your car?
Yes.
Well, what are we
waiting for? Let's go.
Where to?
I don't know.
First Street, I guess.
And keep your eye
peeled for a hot rod
containing a very
pretty girl and the son
of Horatio Kellgore.
What is this all about?
Well, there's this little...
You wouldn't believe it.
You wouldn't believe it.
Say, I know
a cozy, little spot
where we could...
Just a soda, please.
Just a soda.
Yeah, I get the message.
There they are.
Where do you want to go?
How about the Sip and Dip?
Let's see,
the Sip and Dip. That's
north of here, isn't it?
No. It's south.
No, no. No, no, no!
I'm sure the ice cream
parlor is that way.
Okay.
Follow that car!
Cynthia!
Hi, Uncle Jonathan.
What are you doing here?
Cynthia, come home at once.
What?
Come home at once.
Never mind.
Stay right there.
I'll get you.
It's all right, darling.
Come along with me.
But Uncle Jonathan!
No arguments.
Well, we were only
going over to the...
Stop!
Excuse me.
Don't do that.
Why?
Because it's not
polite to point.
Huh?
Come along, darling. You'd
better let me have this, too.
And after all that, he say
"It's not polite to point."
Uh, that's all?
That's all.
What a kook!
Yeah, very interesting.
Well, thank you, my boy.
Run along to bed.
Okay. Good night, Dad.
Good night.
Good morning, darling.
Good morning.
Poison. Slow death.
Uncle Jonathan.
Yes.
All that stuff you said
last night about the coin...
What were you drinking
at the dean's party?
Soda pop, of course.
What are you implying?
Well, it's all a little hard
to swallow, you know.
That stuff about
ancient magic and the
pointing finger and...
What was that word again?
Never mind.
Uncle Jonathan, have
you been feeling all right?
Of course I have.
I'm in the pink of
condition.
Well, then, why do
you have an appointment
with the doctor this morning?
Doctor? I have no
appointment with a doctor.
Yes, you do. At 9:00.
Miss Carruthers of the medical
staff phoned to remind you
when you were in the shower.
She said the dean
made the appointment.
Really? That's odd.
Ah, it must be the annual
physical checkup.
Good idea, actually.
Mens sana in corpore sano,
you know.
What?
Sound mind
in a sound body.
9:00, you said?
I'd better be on my way.
Bye, darling.
Bye.
Uh, good morning.
I'm Professor Jones.
Oh, good morning, Professor.
You can go right in.
Dr. Kroner's expecting you.
Thank you.
Good morning, Dr. Kroner.
Pleasure to meet you.
I'm Jones,
ancient Eastern languages.
Sit down, Professor.
It's a very sensib
le thing, checkups.
As I was saying to my
niece only this morning,
Mens sana in corpore sano.
Quite.
I think you'll find me
in top condition.
Exercise, a sensible diet,
don't drink, don't smoke.
Professor Jones,
I think perhaps...
These are my own.
Every single one
Hearing, perfect.
Vision, 20/20.
Blood pressure..
Sir!
...seven. Yes?
Please put your
clothes back on
and then make yourself
comfortable on the couch.
Put my clothes...
Put them back... Oh!
Very well, if you wish.
I simply thought that I...
Couch?
Yes. Just lie down and relax.
You mean you're
that kind of a doctor?
Now, don't worry about
a thing, Professor.
The dean sent me to you?
He thinks I'm crazy?
Now, now, now, now.
Crazy's an unfortunate
word, don't you agree?
I certainly do! And if you
think I'm going to submit
to an examination by a...
Do you always
react so violently?
Violently?
Why, no. Not at all.
In fact, I'm a quiet man
Studious.
Oh, I see, quiet
and studious sometimes
and violent at other times.
Almost like two
different people, hmm?
Now, look here.
If you're trying to say
I'm schizophrenic...
Oh. Do you feel that
I'm persecuting you?
No!
It all began when my niece
received a charm bracelet.
Oh, Professor Kellgore.
Professor Fenster.
Do you know where I might find
Professor Jones this morning?
I have a little
translation problem
I'd like to discuss
with him.
Jones? Jones?
No, I haven't seen him
since the cocktail party
yesterday evening.
Behaved very
peculiarly, didn't he?
Perhaps I can help.
Well, I'm afraid it's in t
field of ancient languages
Professor Kellgore.
Call me Horatio.
Well, I must run.
Thanks, anyway.
Please continue, Professor.
That's all there is to tell.
Yes.
Now, if I understand
you correctly,
you say that
you're actually able to
destroy living creatures
by pointing your
finger at them
and speaking this
word, "Zotz."
Yes, but only if
the coin is on my person.
Don't you see that all
this is mere delusion?
Delusion?
Why, I've seen it
with my own eyes.
A line of people on
the sidewalk, mown down
as if by a machine gun.
Hallucination.
It was not hallucination
And there was the moth
and the cat and the ships
and the squirrel
and the dinosaur
The dinosaur, Professor?
I mean, the lizard.
Just a little lizard,
you know.
Yes. Yes, of course. It was
a baby dinosaur, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was...
No, no, no.
Professor Jones,
you're an intelligent man
and I won't try to humor you
But surely you can understand
that these delusions of yours
are merely a result
of your repressed hostility,
your aggressive feelings
toward society.
I have no aggressive feeling
toward society, Dr. Kroner.
I must confess,
at this moment,
however,
I have aggressive
feelings toward you.
Well, that's
a perfectly normal reaction.
As a matter of fact,
you're a classic case.
I will not be referred
to as a "classic case!"
Sir, this power of
yours does not exist.
It does exist!
Then show me.
What?
Show me. Convince me.
Demonstrate this
horrible force,
this power you have
over life and death.
Very well. But what shall
I demonstrate it on?
Me.
Oh, I couldn't do that.
Why not?
Well, it would
cause you pain.
Well, now why should
that concern you?
You've already said
that you have aggressive
feelings toward me.
Here's your chance
to unleash them.
Oh, I can't.
Of course you can't.
Because this power
is not real.
It is.
It's imaginary.
It's not.
Not what?
Not real. I mean imaginary.
There, you see?
You can't distinguish between
reality and imagination.
I'm sorry, Doctor,
but there's no other way
You put on
a good act, Professor.
Remember, you brought
this on yourself.
Go ahead. Take out
your hostility on me.
It will do you
a world of good.
I was doubled over,
like this.
It was very painful.
Perhaps he hypnotized you.
Well, I know a bit more abou
hypnosis than you do, Dean,
and I can assure you
I was not hypnotized
Then, how do you
explain it?
Very simple.
Appendicitis
I shall enter
the hospital the first
thing in the morning.
No, no.
Of course not, my boy.
It's simply that I think
you need a rest.
Sir, I'm in perfect health.
Go away for a few days.
A week.
Please, sir,
if you'd only
listen to me
Go someplace to relax.
Take a trip.
A trip?
Yes.
A trip.
Well, I think you'd better try
Lieutenant Stefanski, sir.
He may be able
to help you.
You don't understand
I don't want him to help m
I want to help him.
Yes, sir.
But you'd better see
the lieutenant anyway.
You'll find him
in 3C-4L-3-S-19.
Three C...
It's very simple, sir.
You see, this building
has five sides,
A, B, C, D and E.
Now 3C means
the third floor
of side C. That way.
That way.
The next number tells you
what corridor to take.
Four.
That's right over there.
Over there.
The second three
means the third court,
then, S-19 is the 19th
stanchion on your left.
You can't miss it, sir.
Thank you. What was
that floor again?
Third floor, sir.
Third floor.
You see, Lieutenant Stefanski,
they sent me in
to see you, but...
Professor Jones, I'm afraid
the army isn't interested.
There are many such
suggestions that come
across my desk every day,
and we are not interested.
Now you listen to me...
Oh, now be reasonable, Henry.
I handled the last one.
That screwball with the
steam-operated machine gun.
It's your turn now.
What do you mean,
you've got a stomach ache?
What about
Lieutenant Stefanski?
Captain Byron? Major Foulger?
They've all got
stomach aches?
I tell you, it's that
lousy food they serve
in the cafeteria.
All right. All right,
send him over.
Yes?
General Bullivar.
Yes.
There's a Professor Jones
who wishes to see you.
I know. I know.
Tell him to wheel it in.
Wheel what in, sir?
A death ray, or whatever it is
he thinks he's invented.
He doesn't have
anything with him, sir.
Not even a briefcase.
Oh, one of those
quiet ones, huh?
Well, I guess there's no use
delaying it. Send him in.
Yes, sir
Professor Jones, sir
Hello there, how are you?
So you're the fellow that's
come all the way from
California just to talk to us.
Yes, sir.
I'm delighted to
meet you, Professor.
Thank you, General.
Sit down. Sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
Well,
thank you very much.
Well, did you have
a pleasant trip?
Most pleasant, thanks.
And how are you enjoying
your visit to the capital?
Well, I only arrived
this morning...
Now, take my advice,
don't miss
the Lincoln Memorial.
It's a very moving experience.
It brings tears to my eyes
every time I see it.
Well, I'm sure it's
most impressive.
Have a cigar.
What? No, thank you.
Do you mind if I get
right to the point?
Oh, yes, of course.
The colonel mentioned
something about a new weapon.
Well, it's not
exactly a weapon
Oh? Well, what is it?
A gun, a bomb?
Would you be interested
in a method to immobilize,
even destroy, as you
choose, every living thing
within range of vision?
Ships, tanks, planes
How do you intend
to go about this?
Light rays?
Sound vibrations?
Black magic?
Yes.
Yes, what?
Black magic. You see,
I'm a human weapon.
Now, look, Professor,
I do not have the time
to stand around making jokes.
I'm not joking,
I assure you.
A human weapon!
Are you serious?
I've never been mo
re serious in my life
You see...
I see. I see.
You're some sort
of a magician, huh?
What?
Look, I'm afraid they've sent
you to the wrong department.
Now what you want is
the Entertainment Division
of Special Services.
I'll make one little
phone call and settle
this whole thing for you.
No! Wait! Wait!
Now, get me Colonel...
General! I can prove it.
Never mind.
All right, prove it.
Excuse me.
Look. That airplane up there.
Uh-huh.
Now watch this.
I'm watching
You see?
Wonderful! Marvelous!
Now watch this.
Uh-huh.
There. And the secret
lies in this ancient coin.
In that coin?
Well, well, well
And you see,
this makes it possible to...
You know, this is
a marvelous little inventi
you have here, Professor.
Well, it's not exactly
an invention...
I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.
I'm going to have my
secretary help you fill out
form number W5A16,
in quadruplicate...
But, sir...
This will be filed
and duly considered
at the next meeting
of the Chiefs of Staff.
How long before
I hear from you?
Well, the next meeting is
sometime in December.
December!
Yes, yes.
Of course, anything
suggested at that meeting
will have to be forwarded
onto higher echelons.
But this power of mine
is immediate...
Well, of course,
I believe that if you leave
your name and address,
you can expect
to receive some sort of
communication from us
after the first of the year.
What sort of communication?
Well, now...
General, don't you think
the state of world
conditions today
demands that you
take immediate...
I think that you're
absolutely right,
and we are wasting
time standing here
talking about it.
Yes, we are.
I'm glad that we
see eye to eye.
And I will start the wheels
in motion right now.
Corporal, I want you
to drop everything
and help Professor Jones
here fill out form W5A16.
Thank you, Professor.
No, sir, but, General...
Please sit down, Professor.
This may take a while.
Well, thanks,
but don't bother.
But what about form W5A16?
You tell the general
that he can...
Oh, never mind.
I beg your pardon.
Don't I know you?
No, I don't believe so.
My name is Hugh Fundy.
What is that, may I ask?
This? This is a death ray.
Oh. Well, good luck.
Uncle Jonathan, I didn't
expect you home tonight.
Well, I decided
to cut my trip short.
Hey, you're all
dressed up. How come?
For the farewell dinner
for the dean, you remember.
Gee, it's nice
you returned
in time for it.
Yeah, I'd better change.
I won't be five minutes.
Well, I'll meet you
at the country club.
Can't you wait
while I change?
Well, gee, Uncle Jonathan,
I expected you to be
out of town tonight,
and I told Jimmy I'd go
with him. And there he is.
Bye, see you at the club.
There's sauerkraut juice
in the fridge.
I'm coming!
Virginia!
Hello.
Oh, hello, Virginia?
Jonathan.
Oh, Jonathan,
you're back.
So soon?
Yeah, I got homesick,
I guess.
Say, the reason
I'm calling, I...
I thought I might
escort you to the
farewell dinner tonight.
Well, I'm awfully sorry,
but I was sure you'd be
away and I...
Well, I accepted
an invitation to
go with Horatio.
Horatio. Kellgore?
Well, yes. You see...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Now, please try
to understand.
Oh, I understand.
I understand perfectly.
Oh, Jonathan.
Bye.
Well, here we are.
Dean Updike, of course,
and Mrs. Updike,
Professor Adams,
the principal
and, Virginia,
I want you to sit there,
and of course, I shall occupy
the speaker's chair.
Is everything satisfactory,
Professor Kellgore?
Oh, yes.
Yes, it seems to be.
Of course, this is
a very special occasion,
you understand.
I want everything exactly
right. I've made myself
personally responsible.
Of course.
Perhaps I may have the
waiter bring you a cocktail
before the others arrive?
No, no. It might
relax me too much.
Have to make
a speech right after dinner.
Yes.
Good evening.
Hello. Hi, Dad. Hello,
Professor Fenster.
Hello, Jimmy.
Hello, Cynthia.
Just in time, James.
Good evening, Cynthia.
I'm so sorry your uncle won't
be able to make it tonight.
Better check the wine.
Oh, but he's back.
I told him to meet us here.
I know, dear,
but when I talked to h
im on the phone just now,
he said he was too
exhausted from his tri
p, that he wouldn't come.
Virginia, would you
check the guest list?
It's a good thing,
if you ask me.
What do you mean?
Well, we all want everythi
to be nice for the dean's
farewell dinner, don't we?
Are you implying
that my Uncle Jonathan...
Look, don't get be
nt out of shape.
Your uncle's okay.
I guess. But everybody kno
he's a little bit kooks.
Kooks!
Yeah.
Well, like that night
he chased us in
Professor Fenster's car.
And, well, you
heard about those
mice, didn't you?
Jimmy Kellgore, if you...
Oh, forget it.
Let's sit down, huh?
James?
Yeah, Dad?
Would you come here?
Excuse me.
Yeah, Dad?
Now, James, I want to
caution you about the
way you behave tonight.
No raucousness
or ungentlemanly
behavior.
Oh, sure, Dad.
This is a very important
evening, you understand.
The dean still hasn't
named a successor,
and his decision could stand
or fall on the impression
that I create at the dinner.
Understand?
I dig.
Don't... Speak English.
Oh, dear.
Good evening, my dear Dean.
Professor.
Good evening... Oh!
Mrs. Updike. May I say
that you look dangerously
lovely this evening?
Professor Kellgore,
you say the
most awful things.
It was very nice of you
to preside tonight, Kellgore.
Well, when I heard
that Professor Jones
would be absent,
I felt that someone
had to take things in hand.
Yes, quite so.
Poor Jones.
Excellent man, really, but...
I'm sorry, my dear,
I didn't mean to...
That's all right, sir.
Shall we sit down?
The others should
be along presently.
Dean, the chair of honor,
of course. There you are
Get out of the way,
will you?
Mrs. Updike, would you grace
our table with your radiance?
Charmed.
"When in disgrace with
fortune and men's eyes
"I all alone beweep
my outcast state."
Here's how.
"And trouble deaf heaven
with my bootless cries,
"and look upon myself,
and curse my fate."
Oh...
And speaking of our
beloved dean's regretted
departure from our midst
I would like to borrow an
aphorism from the works
of the great La Rochefoucauld.
The...
Hello, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.
Accept my apologies, Horatio.
Yes, yes. It's good to see
you, Jones. Most unexpected.
Did you have a nice trip?
Fantastic.
I hope you didn't miss
the Lincoln Memorial,
a very moving experience
Brings tears to my eyes
every time I see it.
Yeah, well,
if you don't mind,
just sit down, please.
Yes.
Traitor.
Jonathan, you... n.
Don't bother to explai
My dear friends... Friends?
My dear and true friends,
although I usually abstain
from intoxicating spirits,
I would on this occasi
on like to indulge
in sort of a token
sip of this
ceremonial champagne
It is indeed fitting
that I propose a toast
to our beloved dean.
And put into words
the true feelings
in my heart...
Zotz!
Your knowledge has
been a guiding hand
for all these many years
building towards dedication
to something recognized
the whole world over
in the tremendous force
of the noble language.
And so on this
emotional occasion...
It's disgraceful.
The man's making a drunken
exhibition of himself.
I know, my dear,
but what can I do?
Assert yourself.
...hold this party
in recognition...
Yes, yes, Kellgore.
Very nice indeed of you.
Thank you.
But I haven't finished yet.
Thank you, Kellgore.
That will be all.
I'm sure what my
colleague, Professor
Kellgore, means to say
is something which all of
us feel in our hearts,
but find very
difficult to express
Simply ave atque vale.
Hail and farewell.
Hail and farewell.
Hail and farewell.
Hail.
Thank you, Jonathan.
Thank you very much.
It's good to have
you among us again.
And now, for heaven's sake,
let's enjoy ourselves.
Professor Jones?
Yes, I'm Jones.
A gentleman to see you, sir,
just inside the main entrance.
To see me?
Yes, sir.
Oh, very well. Excuse me.
Who is kooks now?
Here, sir.
Thank you.
Professor Jones?
Yes.
Jonathan Jones?
That's right
Well, I'm sure
glad I was able to
find you so quickly.
My name is Bates,
Josh Bates.
What can I do for you,
Mr. Bates?
Well, it's more a question
of what we can do for you.
I'm with the government,
Professor.
Ah...
And I've been sent to bring
you back to Washington.
I see. Well, perhaps first
thing tomorrow morning.
No, sir. Now.
Now?
Yes, sir. Nobody knows
better than yourself, sir,
how important this matter is.
Yes, but I...
And how timely.
Well, that's true.
However, my friends
and family in there...
And how secret, Professor.
Why, if you were to tell the
that you were flying back
to Washington tonight,
word might leak out.
You have a point, Mr. Bates.
Still, if I could just
have a few seconds
with my niece, I...
There isn't time, Professor.
Please, sir.
The plane is waiting.
Well, you can phone
your niece later.
All right, Mr. Bates.
Let's go.
Very powerful plane.
Only the best
for you, Professor.
Yes, very interesting.
I don't know what happened,
but I had a feeling
like I was floating.
Cynthia, where's your uncle?
I don't know.
I must get a checkup,
you know. I'm sick,
I think. Really.
Excuse me.
Where are you going,
Professor?
Mr. Bates.
Yes?
You are, you said,
with the government?
That's right, Professor.
What government?
You will learn the answer
to that question very soon.
I was afraid of that.
Oh, you need be afraid
of nothing, Professor.
You are to be
our honored guest.
But not in Washington?
Not, as you say,
in Washington.
But this is preposterous!
Why are your people
interested in me?
Something about
an ancient coin.
What coin?
The one with the secrets.
What secrets?
I neither
know nor care.
Atomic secrets, I suppose,
hidden inside it,
or something of that nature.
I will relieve you
of that object.
You will not
do that again.
Oh, no? Why won't I?
Because we have taken
certain precautions.
What kind of precautions?
I will tell you.
I see.
That's right, Professor.
If anything happens to me,
or to this plane,
my comrade, Igor,
has orders...
I understand.
That is good
When we reach
our destination,
you will reveal to us
the secrets of this coin
Until that time,
I will take charge of it
What?
The coin!
Oh. Oh, yes, the coin.
Give it to me.
You don't think I carry
a thing like that around
with me, do you?
What?
It's in a hiding place
back in Saracen Valley.
Back in...
You'll have to turn
the plane around.
Why, I don't know
if we can...
It will be dangerous
for us to return.
Dangerous for your niece
and Professor Fenster,
since we are expected
at our destination
at a specified time,
and if we do not arrive,
certain instructions
will be radioed to Igor.
Therefore, I assume
that you will allow
me to search you
in order to make
absolutely sure that
a return is necessary.
You're right.
The coin is not on you.
Now, then, where is
this coin? At your home?
No.
Then, where?
First, you must
take me to the place
where my niece
and Virginia Fenster
are being held prisoner.
Before I give you anything,
I must make sure
they're unharmed.
Capitalist pig!
It is I who make
the bargains here, not you.
Now, remember this, Bates,
or whatever your name is.
If those two ladies are hurt
you'll have no threat
to hold over my head.
And you will no longer
be able to force me
to co-operate with you.
Now, where are they?
The cellar of an office
building in your city.
What building?
The Consolidated Building.
Then I suggest
you instruct your friend
to step on the gas.
Oh, and one more
thing, Mr. Bates Yes?
I hope you realize
that if we don't
get there in time,
and your friend receives
his radio orders to harm
those two ladies,
there will be absolutely
nothing to prevent my
using that secret weapon
on you again,
do you understand?
I understand.
No! No!
Cynthia. Virginia.
Are you all right?
Thank God.
Well, Professor,
are you satisfied that
the ladies are unharmed?
We will go now
and get that coin.
Yes, I am satisfied
the ladies are unharmed.
And it is now my pleasure
to inform you that you are
completely within my power.
What?
I withheld that power
only to save them.
The hands.
But now...
Something about the hands.
Igor!
Let me...
Ow!
I don't know what this
secret weapon of yours is,
or how you operate it.
I suppose it's some mechanism
concealed in your clothes,
but I did observe that
in order to activate it,
you had to raise your arms.
And unless I'm gravely
mistaken, I have now
rendered you powerless.
It's no use, Professor,
that tape is very strong.
Now, shall we go
and get that coin?
All right. You win.
Very sensible.
After you, sir.
May I say goodbye
to my niece?
I'm a civilized man.
Of course you may.
Thank you.
Uncle Jonathan.
Listen, if you
and Virginia make a run
for it, they won't follow.
They're more interested in
me. Get to the police
and bring them back here.
But...
Do as I say.
All right, Jones.
That's enough.
You and I will go
for the coin.
Igor will remain here
with the ladies
in the event that...
Run! Hurry! Run!
Don't you want that coin?
I've got it!
It's in my pocket.
I've had it all the time.
You're lying.
Am I?
I've searched you.
Not well enough.
Well, if you really have i
throw it to me.
With my hands like this?
Uh-uh. If you want it,
come and get it.
Zotz!
Jones, I warn you.
I want that coin!
You'll have to take it!
May I remind you that
you are now powerless?
Jones, I want that coin.
I'll give you till
the count of three.
One... Bates, listen.
No discussions, please.
Just the coin. Two...
I... I...
Three!
Zotz!
Amazing phenomenon,
Bates, isn't it?
Zotz!
Take your time, Igor.
Just take your time.
Wouldn't you know it?
Not a cop in sight.
Stop this silly game,
Professor.
Give me the coin
and no harm will come...
No!
Professor,
don't be ridiculous!
You'll fall.
Don't worry about me.
Zotz!
Stop! Stop, I say!
Zotz!
That's it.
Zotz!
It's no use.
You are powerless
without that coin!
Bates, I warn you.
The slightest
noise or vibration...
What are your plans no
w, Professor Zotz?
The name is Jones,
young man.
Jonathan Jones.
And my plans are to return
to Saracen Valley College
on the next plane
and begin my
duties as the new
dean of languages.
General Bullivar,
do you think the coin
will be recovered?
Well, it's hard to say.
It might have floated all
the way out into the Pacific.
Needle in a haystack.
However, we're using
maximum effort, radar,
sonar, loren, submarines...
The newest type
of magnetic devices.
Oh, modern science
is a wonderful thing.
My personal opinion is that
we stand an even chance
of regaining the coin
for the good of humanity.
What do you think, Professor?
Well, I agree
with the general
I think the chances
are excellent that
the coin will be found.
Bye, General.
Thanks again
for your hospitality
Thank you for overlooking
the unfortunate circumstances
of our first meeting.
That's a private
joke, gentlemen.
Our congratulations again.
I know that you two are
going to be very happy.
Goodbye, sir.
Come, Mrs. Jones
We have time for just
one short visit before
we catch the plane.
Visit? With whom?
Someone that we both
should meet, I think
Goodbye, sir.
Goodbye.
Gentlemen.
Goodbye, General
Bye-bye.
- Bye.
For once, Horatio Kellgore
and I see eye to eye.
Zotz all!