Zot van A. (2010) - full transcript

Daddy, Daddy,
today's the big day.

Why are you up so early, sweetheart?
-Because today's the big day.

You are coming, aren't you?
-Yeah, yeah. Uh no, sweetheart.

Daddy has to go to work today.
-Daddies don't work on a lie-in day.

Daddy's had too many lie-ins
on days that weren't lie-in days.

See? So now Daddy has to work
on a lie-in day for once.

That's not fair, Daddy.
Today's the big day.

Oh, hello.
I'm too kind-hearted, I am.

I pick up a hitchhiker to talk to.

But you've been asleep
since the French border.

Great. Brilliant.



Anna? Hi, darling.
I'm just about to leave.

The taxi will be here any minute.
-We'll be standing at the front.

Can you shake Boris's hand?
-No.

Why not?
-Because not.

I can't do that.
-I'm not asking much, Dad.

Just some tangerines, a biscuit,
a pat on the head, whatever.

I'll make sure we're at the front.
-It doesn't work like that.

You know that. I can't make an
exception, not even for my own grandson.

For goodness' sake. It may be
the last year he believes in it, in you.

Boris could do with
some extra attention at the moment.

Listen, darling, it's not my problem.

I didn't screw your marriage up.
-Bastard.

What did you say?
-You're a bastard.

Actors.



Are you ready?
-Yes.

Is that what I think it is?
What had we agreed, Boris?

I had to.
-Not with my best one you didn't.

Come on, give here. Come on.

No, I don't think it's funny.

Can I have my gun, Daddy?
-What d'you want your gun for?

To shoot the Black Peters
if they try to grab me.

Of course. A silly question.
Go and get it.

Ella, can you get changed, please?
-Go, go, go, princess.

What were we going to do with these,
darling? Save them for school.

For the kids to make things with.
-How about if I make things with you?

If I were to come too,
afterwards we could...

You've got to work, remember?
-Why?

Because we are all
victims of capitalism.

And because we need
some new windows.

Today is...
-Sunday.

Sunday, yeah. Croissants.
-Yes.

Are these really
the only boots we've got?

What's wrong with them?
-They're poofs' boots.

Anyone can see that. Where's my phone?
-On the bedside table.

Can we talk about our wedding now?

Now?
-Yes, now. We have to do it somewhen.

You just have to say yes or no,
that's all.

Lilies or roses?
-Uh...

Yes, roses. Of course.

Cava or champagne?
Not cava, the real thing. Eh?

The real thing.
Champagne has a bit more class.

Oh, another thing, darling.
We have to call my mum.

She wants to know whether
she can sing at our reception.

Sing?
-Yes.

What does she mean, sing?
-You know, sing.

Something classical or from a musical.

Maybe singing's not a good idea?
No, OK.

I'm off.
-Didn't you forget something?

The boots.

A kiss?

Take care.
-Yeah.

Reynders is here and
the Black Peters are on their way.

Relax, Yoeri. We're leaving in
five minutes. Well, ten. Yes, bye.

Right, Saint Nicholas is here again.
-Pleased to see you, Mr Reynders.

Well, are there
any naughty children around?

My name's Annette. I'm here to
make sure things go smoothly.

I hope so. Have my little black friends
arrived already?

No, but they'll be here any minute.
-Talking about black...

I'd like it black and strong.
Like the Black Peters.

Of course. Right.

If you'd like to go on board, I'll see
that you get a nice cup of coffee.

Black and strong,
like your Black Peters.

Lucas? Lucas, the trainee? I still
haven't seen a single Black Peter.

Where are my fucking Black Peters?
-We're running a bit late.

I'm almost there, honestly.
-You don't get it, do you?

See you in a minute.

No, don't stand there. Move.
Come on. Get a move on. Hurry up.

The boat's leaving in ten minutes.
Come on. You too.

And don't forget to put your costume on.
Thank you. Come on.

Come on. Go, go, go. Hurry up.
Go on. Run.

Coffee?
-Yes, please.

Which is the shortest way to
the big square in the city centre?

I've no idea.

The boat is the fastest way. It'll
take you right into the city centre.

Lucas? Are you Lucas?
-Yes.

Finally. Nice of you to remember us.
-Pleased to meet you.

Hold on, how old are you?
-How old d'you want me to be?

Sorry, but I haven't got time for
your adolescent sexual fantasies.

We're now running haIf an hour late
and it's your fauIt.

Hello? Hello, production lady? Hello?

Bunch of amateurs.
-Mr Reynders, what can I do for you?

Is that coffee for this year or next?
-Can you get him a coffee, big boy?

Black and strong, in his own mug.
-I've never ever had this before.

This thing is too short.

How can I get into the role
if the costume's too short?

How do I identify with the character?
That is essential to all acting.

It's a process, young lady.
It's what's known as transformation.

The costume is an essential pa...

Hello? Bloody hell.

Bunch of amateurs.

This is probably too small too.

Be careful, Ella.

Hello.

Hi.
-Hello, Robbe.

You've got lipstick on.

Now I have too.

That shot of the two Black Peters
doesn't give me a hard-on.

Do we wait for Saint Nicholas
or hang on for Father Christmas?

I'll phone them.
-Yes, that's better.

Mr Reynders?

Hello?

Saint Nicholas?

I've brought your coffee. Hello?

What? How did that happen?

There's a million excited kids here.
-I think it's very unprofessional too.

He can forget the chocolates.
What can I say?

How can he just...?
-The boat will leave, even if I...

Hey. Who let the Black Peters...?
Lucas. Come back, guys. Thank you.

Dead? What d'you mean, dead?

We're going live in ten minutes.
-He'll still be just as dead then.

So?
-We could get out an old film.

Are you sure you want to do this?
-As long as you take me to the city.

I'd even go dressed as a rabbit
or in my birthday suit.

Alright. OK. Fine. Fantastic.

Leekens.
Leekens, what's happening, pal?

Leekens.

Got to do some shopping.
Buy some fruit.

Some tangerines. Those with the stalks,
then you know they're fresh.

What are they?
Maybe those are clementines?

Ladies and gentlemen,
good children...

...we're here on the quayside in Antwerp,
waiting for Saint Nicholas to arrive.

Yes, and if you look carefully...

Up you get.

I'm not doing it.
I'm a sales consuItant.

My contract doesn't say anything about
looking stupid dressed as a tangerine.

Orange. And don't be so wet.

Brad Pitt started as a chicken for
a fast-food chain. That's a true story.

I've already got enough complexes
about my cellulite.

OK, Astrid and I'll go on our own.

RudoIf, I'd rather not...
-Hey. No.

Anyway, I can't ride a horse.
-You're always so negative.

You sound like a film critic.

OK, sweeties, show time.

Maybe you could wave at the children.
Mr Reynders always did that.

A bit like the Pope. Like this.

Camera 4, hold that shot.
-Four, three, two, one.

And cue. Camera 3.
Closer, closer, closer. Hold that shot.

And cue. Vera, stand by
with the drum majorettes. Quickly.

Cue camera 5. Right.

Pretty girIs, Vera.
Get that fat lump out of the shot.

The mayor of Antwerp is here...

Look. Look.
It looks quite convincing, eh?

Well done.
-Yeah.

Uh... thingy? Lucas?
-Yes?

Is that Tom Reynders' leg?
-Yes.

I couldn't find anything eIse
so I covered him with a bin bag.

You are so sacked.
The police, please.

D'you want a tangerine or a banana?
-I've already eaten.

You never eat.
-I've aIso got...

Look, the celebrities.
-Get down.

And we mustn't forget Paul Wouters,
Flanders' most eligible bachelor.

We haven't seen him since the US Open.
-He was in the Open, he won Wimbledon.

He was mainly in the news...

Straight ahead. Yes, that's right.
No, no, don't go left.

here comes Saint Nicholas
I can see him over there

What?
-All these mother hens.

Am I a mother hen too now?
-Mother hen... What d'you mean?

Well...
-Robbe. If you don't want your biscuit...

...give it to Mummy. You know
you mustn't throw food at strangers.

There are kids in Africa with nothing
to eat and they don't throw food.

Ask that Black Peter there.

He's throwing.

I'm 35, divorced, with a kid.

That's it now. The closest
l get to sex is my smear test.

Don't you ever have any regrets?
-Regrets? What about?

Anna Reynders speaking.

He's coming, he's coming.

Hold on, I can't hear you.

Sorry. Who am I talking to?

Yes, that's correct.

What?

When?

OK, right. Thank you. Goodbye.

Boris, Grandpa has died.
I'll take you to your dad's.

But St Nicholas is here.

You can watch it on TV.
At least you'll see something.

Lydia, I've got to go.

Yoeri, can we show that?
-I don't know, hold on.

We can't transmit that.

OK, commerciaIs.
-What do I do?

I mean it, Yoeri. You can't.

Film it. If it ends well it's for
the News. If not, for Most Shocking.

We'll do it. Steven, hold that shot.
And cue.

Ella? Ella.

What the fuck...?

Ella? Ella?

Camera 3.
Closer, closer and cue.

Camera 4, hold that shot.
And cue. Cameras 1 and 2.

Respect.

Ella?

Ella.

Camera 2. Closer.
Mother and daughter. Brilliant.

Camera 1 , stay on Wouters.
Camera 3, a wet Saint Nicholas.

I want a wet Saint Nicholas.

It's a family emergency.
-It's always something.

I've had it up to here. I'll tell
you what, just piss off my site.

l don't want to see
your useless, ugly mug here again.

Understand?

My daughter has just almost drowned.

You impotent, retarded bastard.

Jan, we're there. We've got to
carry on, OK? Get your things.

Hey, I've finished.
-Finished? No.

No, now we have to walk to the square.
-Bloody hell.

There, perfect.
And now your horse.

OK, camera 2, hold that shot.
And cue.

Camera 4, closer, closer.
Hold that shot.

Shall I phone someone from Sports
or are we staying with Peter and Tess?

OK, that was that then.

Good gee-gee.
Gee-gee is going back to his stable.

l don't want his autograph.
l want Saint Nicholas's autograph.

Hello, good looking.

Lunatic. No, no.

Fuck. Oh, fuck, fuck.

Hi.
-The horse won't go any further.

Astrid.

How do you know my name?

Oh, my badge. Of course.
How embarrassing.

Are you OK or shall I...?
-Everything's under control.

The second rescue today.
-Yes, rescued.

Um... You can put me down now.

The falling bit's finished.
-Shame.

I was just starting to enjoy it.

Thanks. For rescuing me.

One, two, three and four.

And one, two, that's it, Freddy,
three and four.

And one, two...
Carry on, everyone.

Alain speaking.

Fred?

My Fred?

What happened, darling?
-Nothing.

Did you fight the Pink Knight?
-I said it was nothing.

Johan, Fred's friend.
-Alain, Fred's BOYfriend.

Come here, let me see.
-Stop it.

What happened?

Baron HuIstendijck formed an alliance
with the poisoner of Chalandrielle.

The elves couldn't keep
their mouth shut, as usual.

But Fred's reaction was over the top.
He knocked the baron out.

My Fred knocked out Baron Thingy?
-The guy's gone to A&E.

l don't want to poke my nose in,
but I think something's up with Fred.

And we all get the feeling that
Fred's using this to... I don't know...

...escape reality, or something.

D'you want to invite them
to our wedding?

Add them to the list if you want to.
It's getting longer and longer.

I didn't know we had
so many friends and relatives.

You've got so many friend and relatives.

What?

What's the matter, darling?
-Nothing.

You knocked someone unconscious.
-Yeah, yeah. Unconscious.

Baron Oops-A-Daisy is in A&E, eh?

Is it all getting a bit too much?
-No, no. Everything's fine.

Sure?

I was on telly, Daddy.
We recorded it.

Oh, princess, you're still alive.
-And we'd like it to stay that way.

Shouldn't you be at work?
-I saw it happen. I was in my crane.

Why didn't you call me?
-I didn't think Devos would let you go.

My daughter almost drowned.
Of course he let me go.

He said I had to go.

Am I a celebrity now?
-Come here.

Bruno, open the door, please. Come on.

You've still got a key.
-Yes, but I don't live here any more.

What d'you say to Daddy?
-Can I watch telly?

Of course you can, Boris.
Hey, come here a minute.

What's that?
Did Mummy do that to you?

Can he stay here for a few days?
-We agreed next weekend.

I know, but...
-No, Anna.

No? What d'you mean, no?
-Just no.

I've got a presentation to do, the
boiler's broken, the fridge is empty.

I'm not going to let you
make me feel guiIty.

You're the one who left, not me.
-Cos you fucked your son's teacher.

Saint Nicholas's arrival in Antwerp
didn't quite go according to plan.

My father's died.

Who's that then?

Someone eIse.
He had a heart attack this morning.

I'm sorry.
-You two couldn't stand each other.

I've got to do it all by myseIf.
Funeral. lnvitations.

Feed Boris and... and...
-OK. It's OK.

He can stay here.
-OK. Thank you.

I'll call you, OK?

Bye, sweetheart. Be good.
-Bye, Mummy.

Top tennis player and eligible bachelor
Paul Wouters kept his cool.

And was rewarded with a close encounter
with a pretty carriage driver.

Is that your sister?

Paul Wouters continues to score,
even off the tennis court.

Second rescue of the day.
-Yes.

What an ugly costume.
-Phhh...

Did you get his number?
-Are you crazy?

Tell me you asked him for his number.
-He'd think I'm available.

You're right, that'd be terrible.

How long since you last did it?
-I'm just... being economical.

Economical? Stingy, you mean.

You make a problem out of
something natural. It's only sex.

Plankton do it, our parents do it.
-It's easy for you to say, you're gay.

It's Brokeback Mountain every day.

If you meet someone you like, tell him.

Paul, I really like you. Shall we fuck?
-You must be joking.

So you do like him.
-No, I don't like him.

What gives you that idea? No way.

The unexpected and dramatic death
of Tom Reynders...

...is described by his colleagues
as a great loss.

Tom Reynders' death is a great loss
to the world of screen and stage.

He was a talented
and generous colleague.

The public knows him from
his roles in films like Daens...

...and as Public Prosecutor Bracke in
The Alzheimer Case and The K File.

The law and justice
are not always the same thing.

This morning he was replaced
by a man...

...who played Saint Nicholas
in his own special way.

This lorry driver gave him a lift
all the way from Spain.

Excellent story.
-Thank you.

Saving that kid, then setting
a new record in 'red carpet sprinting'.

And then not coming back. Fantastic.

Have we found him?
-Annette is on to it.

Suspense, sensation, emotion.
Real people.

Better than Big Brother.
Well done, guys.

Thanks, Mike.

lncredible.

We talked for the entire journey.
About life, love and death.

Hey, Saint Nicholas.

Saint Nicholas.

How are you,
oh Patron Saint of Children?

l hope you didn't fall off your horse.

Are you hungry?

Your father called. You gonna call him?
-Not now. I've got other plans.

Not according to your diary.

l can't cope with my family now.
-Right, I'm off home.

Breakfast at 8 tomorrow,
here in the hotel, with the sponsor.

I'll arrange a wake-up call.

Is 7 o'clock alright?

7 o'clock, OK?
-Yes, that's fine. Thanks.

You should eat something.

Good night, Saint Nicholas.
-I'm not Saint Nicholas.

Of course you aren't.
l know that. I know that.

You're already a celebrity.

We'll need bodyguards
to accompany you to school.

Don't spill your milk, Robbe.
-What's that for?

Don't you eat lunch at work any more?
-Yeah, of course.

Oh, Robbe.

Fred, I've got one thing to say.
Saint Nicholas is dead.

Saint Nicholas doesn't exist.
-Tell his daughter. She's on her way.

Tom Reynders is about to arrive.
He's a celebrity.

Or he was. He's dead.
Try the expensive modeIs first.

What's that, Ella?

Sweets to celebrate not drowning.
-Oh, that's lovely.

Bye.

That's lovely.
-Yeah.

And toilet rolIs for art class.

Did you go round collecting them?
-No. Arno had diarrhoea.

By the way, I don't think
Anna will be able to do it.

That business with Saint Nicholas,
her dad...

l think it'd be better if someone eIse
did the art class instead of her.

If Anna wants to arrange
something eIse, she can call me.

No, I'll do the arranging because...
How can I put this politely...?

She thinks you're nothing but
a common whore.

You did jump into bed
with her husband, eh?

So I've drawn up a new schedule for
feeding the ducks with the infants.

What if we move it
from Wednesday to Thursday?

Then we can cancel the pancakes...
-Hello, ladies.

Bruno. Long time, no see.
-Yes.

Right, yeah.
Hello, Miss.

Hello, Lydia.
-So... Hold on.

Bruno, could you stand in
as a reading mum this week?

A reading mum?
-Yes.

l don't think I've got time.
-l think it's great you're in therapy.

Just cos you can't keep your zip done up,
doesn't make you a bad dad, eh?

Is that what Anna said?
-No, Anna said...

...you jump everything that moves.
-Oh. OK.

OK?
-When is this reading lark?

Wednesday afternoon. Great.

It's much colder here than in Spain, eh?
-Be quiet. I can't hear myseIf think.

l want my own clothes back.
-Aren't those yours?

And stop following me.

Fuck. I don't believe it.

Hello. Good morning.
What a coincidence.

I'm Annette. Annette from yesterday.

l want my clothes back,
Annette from yesterday.

Yes, of course. No problem. Hold on.

Where did you sleep last night?
-At my place. We had Chinese. Yum.

l can find you somewhere to stay.
-That'd be good.

After all, you're the new
Saint Nicholas. If you want to be.

What? The new Saint Nicholas?
-I'm not Saint Nicholas.

He still believes in him.
He thinks I'm... You know.

Look, if you've got other plans,
it's not a problem, I understand.

Hey, this Saint Nicholas lark?
-Yes?

What does it pay?
-Thousands of euros.

Tom Reynders...
Well, thousands of euros, so to speak.

But... it's mainly about the honour.

But it does bring in some money,
of course.

l saw your father on stage last year.

King Lear, a contemporary adaptation.
Wonderful.

The set was completely in gold
and everyone was naked, of course.

It was... very unusual.

Saint Nicholas was his favourite role.

Was it?
-Yes.

Which was a bit hypocritical,
because he never liked children.

l think he enjoyed the attention
and the fact that the public liked him.

l still haven't shed a single tear.

Everyone copes with it
in their own way.

Are your parents still alive?

Uh, no. Well...

I'm sure about my mother,
because I buried her last month.

And my dad walked out
when I was three.

And I haven't seen him since, so...

That's more or less the same as dead.

Yes.

Right, let's talk about
more cheerful things.

The coffin?
-Yeah.

Hi, Anna. It's me.

l took Boris to school.
-What d'you want? A medal?

And I'm a reading mum this week.
Is everything OK your end?

Wonderful. I'm in the middle of
choosing a coffin for my dead father.

Shall I get one for you too?
-Oh, sorry.

I'll go then.
-Right, bye.

Tell me, then.

That was great television, yesterday.

A bit embarrassing, perhaps.
-Good morning, Caroline.

Forget to conceal your orange peel skin?
-Sleep badly, did we?

You need to lose the bags under your
eyes. Or are they for your shopping?

It's him.
-Oh my God, in the flesh.

That always happens, I don't know why.
-l do.

Welcome to our shop, Mr Wouters. I'm
a big fan of your leg work on gravel.

When you spread your legs,
l come over all faint.

Sorry, I can't keep them out there
any longer, we're about to open.

You can come back after closing time,
if you like.

Then you can...
-I've come to see Astrid.

Now what?
-He's here to see you.

I'm fed up with this childish behaviour.

So what do I tell him?
-Tell who?

Paul Wouters,
he's here to see you.

You mean... He's here?

l don't take any notice any more.
l rise above it.

It's typical of Jeanine. It's like my
brother-in-law with the short leg says.

He always says, very calmly...
-She says she's not here.

Yeah, right.

l was having a conversation.

Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Astrid?
-Occupied.

l was wondering whether
you fancied going out?

On... a date.

A date?
-Yes, a date.

With food and wine and an uncomfortable
moment when the bill arrives.

Could you come out of there?

It'd be easier to talk.
-Talk? With or without clothes on?

I'm open to both options.
-Why d'you want a date with me?

Because...

Because when you fell
into my arms yesterday, l...

l feIt something.
-A disc that slipped.

Because you're different.

You're the most attractive and
funniest girl I've ever met.

l did my best. I came here...
-You did your best?

How did you do that exactly? Politely
ask your chauffeur to bring you here?

Well done.
This isn't a good idea.

You've got three houses.
And 300 girIfriends, at least.

You've got the whole world at your feet.

And I can't even get
my plumber to return my calIs.

You don't have to make any real effort.
-What do you know about it?

It's true. You just have to
bend your knees and everyone faints.

OK. I think I understand.

Fuck.

Well? Everything OK?
-Yes. Great. Thanks.

Oh, pooh. I'd completely forgotten.
The Black Peters are auditioning today.

I'm sorry, but I really do have to open
the floodgates now. Hold on a minute.

Of all sportsmen
tennis players have the nicest bums.

That's nice to know.

70% off all shoes, the shoes are
at the back. Right at the back.

Come on.

Right, I'm ready for
the Black Peters now.

Thank you. Oh la la.

Are we going to see your parents now?
-Maria, do you think I'm...

I'm a real...

A what?

Nothing.

Forget my parents,
we're going shopping.

The bathroom is here.
-Thank you.

We're really proud to have you
stay with us, Monsignor.

How was your journey from Spain?

Actually, I arrived yesterday.

Of course. By boat.
-Yes, by boat.

Um, the key. I'll leave it here.

Thank you.

Wow. You're the first Black Peter
to make such an effort.

Expensive tights?
WoIford? Midnight black?

Is the position still vacant?
-l took him on this morning.

A disaster.

I'm very motivated.
-Why does this have to happen to me?

Can you hop and skip?

Hop and skip?
-Yes, hop and skip, cheerfully.

A bit more cheerfully.
With a bit more sparkle.

Yes. Yes, that's it.

Wow. Now that's you call
a real Black Peter. Right.

You're doing really well.
Sacked twice in two days.

Black Peter.

Does her indoors know?
-Of course.

Did she read you the riot act?
-No.

Lydia... understands.

She said, ''It's time you did something
you really enjoy doing.

Think carefully about what you really
want to do with your life.

As long as you're happy.''
That's what she said.

Really? Amazing.

See you later.
-Hey, Arno.

Your sandwiches.
-Thanks.

Hello, my little hobbit.

How was your day?
-Good. Six bodies.

And I embalmed Tom Reynders.
-Did you?

l think my mother is
going to insist, darling.

What?
-That she sings, at our wedding.

Something from The Lion King.
-The Lion King?

Because you like that.
-l like The Lion King?

And it's aIso the only tune
Uncle Rudy can play.

Who's Uncle Rudy?
-Mum's brother.

He was there for Christmas last year.

His left side is a bit...
-Oh, the one with the twitch.

And it'll be before Dad's speech.
-Is he going to make a speech?

Saint Nicholas, I've got a question from
someone called Shania.

Shania, is that a name?
-Yes.

She asks if you can be careful when
you drop her Wii down the chimney.

You're going to have to ask
your mum and dad that, Shalala.

Ask for a new name while you're at it.
-Uh, Saint Nicholas...

What are we going to do?
-Nothing.

Not yet. Let's wait a bit.

Camera 1 . Nancy,
signal to Staf to fill in any gaps.

Shut up a minute
so I can hear the man's question.

What d'you think?
-l think the man's a hit.

The Saint Nicholas Show,
on 5th December...

...will be even bigger than
the tsunami telethon.

On a roof? Are you crazy?

Now I understand why the other guy
dropped dead. It was stress.

Let's sing a song.
-Right.

Yes?
-Is Boris watching telly?

Yes, why?
-Turn it off.

Come on, Bruno, turn it off.

Thank you, Saint Nicholas.
-Louder.

Oh Saint Nicholas...
-My arse.

Blood Zombies 3?

No, Saint Nicholas didn't mean it.

Come on. Come on.
There's no need to cry.

She must've watched telly yesterday too.
-Yes.

Boris too?
-Up to ''Oh Saint Nicholas, my arse''.

l didn't see anything. He exists.
-Yes.

Smart kid, eh? Probably scared
he won't get any presents.

Bye, Mr Crafty. Kiss.

Uh, Boris's daddy?
-Yes?

Could we meet up maybe?
-No. It's best not to.

Hi, Bruno.
-Hi, Lydia.

Jan, have you got any idea
what you did yesterday?

I'll pay for the nuts.
-What? No, I mean, you're a hit.

You're a phenomenon. A celebrity.
You should be proud of that.

Listen, we agreed.
One evening, OK? Right.

I've got to go and see someone.
-Got an address? I'll drive you.

Well?

A bit feminine, maybe?

What did Fred think?
-He hasn't seen them yet.

Doing everything on your own again?
-He's been acting strangely recently.

Fear of commitment. Typical of men.

It won't happen to you, eh?
-It's a conscious decision.

Is it that time of the month
or something?

Oh, sorry.

Hey.

l want what you've got.
-What d'you mean, what I've got?

A guy of your own.

I'm so happy for you,
but I aIso feel so angry and sad...

...because I know
it'll never happen to me.

There.
So that's that then.

That's rubbish, Sis. Of course
you're going to meet someone.

But your prince isn't going to arrive
at your door on a white horse.

Relax, go out, get drunk and
for God's sake have it off with someone.

You're too young and too sexy for
your sex life to be as dry as a desert.

That's 91 euros and 13 cents, please.

I'm just going to take a break.
-So?

Hmm, tasty Black Peter.

l don't know how long...
-I'll wait.

I'll wait.
-OK.

I'll persuade him. Yes.

Hello.

I've come to see Charlotte.
-Who?

Uh, Charlotte.
-You mean the previous owner?

Mrs Vandeweghe? She died.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm going back to Spain.

l don't know what's happened, but...

l can see that you're upset.

That you wanted to make amends
for something and you're too late?

That's life. Sometimes you're too late.

And you just accept that and give up?

Accept my proposal.

Then you'll have some money afterwards
and can do what you like.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow.
-We know it's rather quick, but...

That's how it is.

Your religion demands that funeraIs are
held as quickly as possible. Tomorrow.

l won't be able to be there myseIf.

Sorry.
I've got a wedding tomorrow and...

But I'll personally ensure that
everything's done properly. I promise.

That's it, Mum. Have a good cry.
It'll do you good.

Hey, you've still got us,
and we've still got you.

Oh, sorry, this is very unprofess...

Sorry, this is very
unprofessional of me.

Hi, darling.
-Hi.

Is something the matter?
-No, I just thought I'd call you.

How are things at work?
-Fine, fine. Well, fine...

You know what it's like,
work, work, work.

Yes. Yes, of course. I've got to go,
there's someone at the door.

Yeah, OK.
-Bye, darling.

Bye.

Thank you.
-You're welcome.

You know people in the tennis world,

can you tell me
how I can get hold of Kim Clijsters?

I'll text you her number.
-Really? Will you? That'd be fantastic.

I'd like to invite her to
a friend's preview.

He makes these very unusual...
what are they...?

Sorts of pots.
-Rudy.

Sorry, but Kim Clijsters'
number is ex-directory.

Besides, I doubt she's interested in
your friend's unusual pots.

It must be very frustrating to have
a sex life that's as dry as a desert...

...but that's no reason
to take it out on me.

Bloody hell.

Can I drop you off somewhere?
-No, you can leave me alone.

Why?
-Because I lead a lonely, sexless life.

As dry as a desert.

There's plenty of water now...

Sorry. Astrid.

Astrid Gevaert.
-Peter, Black Peter.

What about this lift?
-No, thanks.

I'm waiting for my true love.
-Who isn't?

But what do we do in the meantime?

A Vodka Red Bull.
Where's that wine?

Have you already served that young lady?
-Which one?

Her. She's been waiting 15 minutes.
-OK, OK.

Listen, I'm not making you work here.
I'm doing you a favour.

l need a pee.
-Hey...

Two beers, please.
-Sure.

Hi, darling. I'm going to have a drink
with some colleagues.

Are you going to be late home?
-Maybe.

Hey, sexy. Do I have to stand here
parched all night?

Who was that?
-Uh, Devos.

Devos's wife.
She's had a few too many, I think.

Have a nice time, darling.
-OK, bye.

Here is the one and only Saint Nicholas.

Sam in position
and Jens, stay on Michiel.

Hello, Saint Nicholas.
-Call me Jan.

''Call me Jan.''

Have people in America heard of him?
-l don't think so. I haven't.

Saint Nicholas, maybe you can explain?
Who is Saint Nicholas?

Saint Nicholas is
an old man with a beard.

He loves little children.

OK.
-If the little children are nice...

...he gives them presents.

If they're not nice, you hit them
with a stick and put them in a sack.

That's not nice, that's horrible.
-No, not Saint Nicholas, you.

You, Black people. Saint Nicholas
has got Black people to do that.

The Black people are
Saint Nicholas's slaves.

SAlNT NlCHOLAS, MY ARSE

Black Peter.
-Or you could say Black Dick.

No, no. It's Black Peter.
-That's it.

You're joking.
-Black Peter's Black Peter.

You're crazy in this country.
What the hell's wrong with you?

Hello, Sophie speaking. Yes. OK.
Yes, thanks.

One million viewers, they think.

Don't hold back, eh guys?

Well done. Here you are.
-Thank you.

ldiot.
-What?

There you are. Well done.

As agreed.

OK.

Here you are.

Thank you... Saint Nicholas.

Are you asleep, darling?

Darling.

I'm really excited about tomorrow.

Room 306, please.

Here you are.

Did you have a busy night?
-Sorry?

Well...
-All the good children are happy.

That's good. Your boss is back too.
-My boss?

Saint Nicholas.
-Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Astrid?
-Shut up.

Miss, what...
-Did I ask you a question?

No.
-l didn't think so.

l don't know if the other girIs
you pick up take it, but I won't.

That wasn't the idea.
-What wasn't the idea? Tonight?

Wasn't that the idea?
-Yes, but...

But waking up together, having breakfast
and saying goodbye was asking too much.

You have to subtly let a girl know
it was just for fun.

She mustn't think it meant anything...
-But it did and that wasn't the idea.

I've got feelings for you and
that's never happened to me before.

Having feelings like this.

It's fantastic, wonderful,
but at the same time...

Part of me wants to run away from you,
another part wants to stay close to you.

l just don't know how l...
-For God's sake, give her a kiss...

...then we can all go to bed.

How long have you known...?
-From the beginning.

D'you think I'm stupid?

D'you want to see my room?
-Yes.

Fuck. My brother's wedding.
I'm his witness.

When will I see you again? This evening?
-If you really want to.

At my place?
-Yes.

Many things in life are pure chance,
because we can say with certainty...

...that if Fred hadn't
almost drowned that day...

...and Alain hadn't given him mouth-to-
mouth with such enthusiasm and zeal...

...we wouldn't all be here today.

If the witness could
bring the rings forward now...

Here you are.
-Thank you.

No.
-What?

No.

Fred?

What are you doing?

l can't do it.

Sorry.

Oh, when...
when I'm dead...

...come and whisper...
whisper something kind.

l will open my pale eyes
and won't be surprised.

l won't be surprised.

ln this love,
death will be merely sleeping.

Sleeping, quietly...
-I'm glad you came.

... waiting for you.
-Anna is too, I think.

Waiting.

D'you think Anna's glad I'm here?

Tom was a father.

Tom was a father,
a grandfather, a friend.

Undeserving of this end.
-You had today off.

He left us far too soon, as if by force.
Without Black Peter, without his horse.

But with his white beard, of course.

My son Boris couldn't be here today,
he still believes in Saint Nicholas.

l want to leave it like that for now.

This isn't my father.

Any idea where Mr Reynders is?
-ln hall 2, I think.

You think or you know?

The ink on the papers had run,
l couldn't read them clearly. Sorry.

Excuse me, can we have a drink
while we wait?

There is a reception, eh?
-Now's not the time.

Come on. Follow me, sir.

So?

We are united in grief here today,
but aIso in gratitude.

Gratitude for Moab Levi's rich life...

...a well respected man in our community.

Mrs Levi.
Excuse me, Mrs Levi.

It's possible that
the bodies have been mixed up...

...we'd just like to check that
it's the right body.

We're just going to check.
Just a moment.

Who's in there then?
-We're going to find out.

We're just going to have a look.

That's Saint Nicholas.

You're an incredibly beautiful woman.

l think you're so beautiful,
your body, your face. Respect.

l want to sleep with you. Now.

What?
-l said my name is Lucas Levi.

And Mum wants me to
go next door with you.

OK, of course.

Actors. They're rather high spirited
by nature. Rather unstable.

Excuse me,
could you tone it down a bit, please?

Right...

I've come to support you.
-Thank you.

Boris can stay with me
for a bit longer, if you like.

No problem.
-OK.

And if you feel lonely,
you're always welcome at my place.

At our place.
It's still our house.

Uh... No, no, no.
It's your house.

I've got my house, you've got yours.
We've each got our own house.

Because we're separated.
We're no longer together.

Separate.
-OK.

Anyway, this gentleman has had
a cheerful funeral.

The Jews' ceremony is often
such a sad and dreary affair.

On the cheap.
-Bruno.

This is Lucas.
-Lucas...

Levi.
The son of...

Pleased to meet you.

I've got to go. I'm a reading mum.

At... Right.

What about you?
Don't you need some fresh air too?

Come on. What's the matter?

You don't need to be ashamed. Eh?
-l know.

Your dad has died. It's normal to cry.

It'd be strange if you didn't cry.

Have a good cry, that can help.

It can.

You poor thing.

Uh, Lucas.

l want to see you naked.

Feel you, taste you. I want you.

Had a hard day?

l mixed two bodies up.
-Things like that can happen.

l ran away from my own wedding
this morning.

Why?

D'you love her?

I've never loved anyone
so much in my life.

What's her name?
-Alain.

Things like that can happen too.

Listen to me, my friend.
If you love Alain and he loves you...

...I'd hang on tightly to him.
-Really?

And then he'll die.
Or leave, or get fed up with me.

Of course he'll die or leave.
We all die or leave sooner or later.

We don't want it to happen but it does.
But don't sit there waiting for it to.

Fred can't do it
because he doesn't know what it is.

He doesn't understand
this business of families.

He doesn't know how to react to it.

Fred hasn't got anyone,
no family, nothing.

He's got you.
-That's not the same thing.

l can marry him a hundred times,
he'll still be alone.

Oh no.
It's him. You answer it.

Hello, Fred, this is Astrid.
-Oh, Astrid. Is...

Is Alain there?
-l never want to talk to him again.

He's having a lie-down.
-Can you give him a message?

I'm staying with Johan for a few days.
-Johan.

What? Give here.
Are you staying with that horny druid?

That troll?
-For a few days.

Don't start that, Alain.
I'm really not in the mood.

You know what I'm not in the mood for?
-I'm really sorry.

He's sorry.
-l just need some time.

A few days.
I'll call you, alright? I promise.

Well? Want some goblin soup?

He needs some time
to recharge his batteries.

Go home to your date.

May l? Now?
-Yes.

Good luck.
-Take care.

Arno?
Do you still find me attractive?

Of course I do, silly.

Enjoy your dinner.

Good morning.

Did I wake you up?
-No, no, I was already awake.

Make yourseIf at home.

Pooky, our pet dog.
-Cool.

Lucas.
-Yes?

Did we... last night... did we...?

Three times.

Right...

How old are you?
-Eighteen.

Great.

D'you have an idea how old I am?

Forty.
-Pardon?

Thirty.

Thirty-five.

Why didn't you tell me you're eighteen?
-Because you didn't ask.

Come on, Boris, come on.

There. Look how you're dressed.
There. That's better.

Isn't Anna here?
-I've just called her. She's in bed.

She's ill.
-Poor thing, she never has any luck.

Your boss doesn't mind
giving you a day off during the week?

Not if it's for the kids.

D'you know something? Anna has
always been a bit jealous of you two.

Why?
-Because your marriage is so happy.

You're still together.
You don't see that very often any more.

Steadfast. Mutual respect. Trust.

Come on. The swimming teacher
cancelled, I've had to improvise.

Come on, get into position. And jump.

Are you scared?
-No.

Ella, what's the matter?
Don't you dare?

Together?

Can I help you?
-Yes. That one.

I'd like that one, please.

How much is it?
-It's 275 euros.

It's... very nice.
-Timeless and elegant.

Yes...

Can I pay by plastic?
-Of course.

How much are those pale pink earrings?
-They are 19.95 euros.

Are they aIso timeless and elegant?

l expect you were still in bed.

How d'you know...?
-Bruno said.

Here, spaghetti and spaghetti sauce,
great together.

l know it's the last thing on your mind,
but you have to eat.

Hello. Lucas.
Pleased to meet you.

Lydia Leekens, 38 years old.

Everything alright, otherwise?

The children? Arno?

Yeah, yeah. Great. Great.

Right, I'll be off then.

I'll call you.
-OK.

Great.

Astrid?
-Hi.

How did the wedding go?
-It didn't go ahead.

That's life. Some things
don't go ahead after all.

l wanted to come and see you last night.

l was supposed to come round.
-Were you? Did we arrange something?

Uh, yes, but I didn't turn up.
-Good job, I wasn't home.

Weren't you?
-No.

It's best that way.
You and me would never have worked.

Why not?
-Because not.

I'm waiting for a prince
on a white horse and you...

l don't know what you're waiting for.

The point is, you and me,
it won't work.

How do you know that?
-What?

When it will work.
-How do I know?

When you suddenly see
a sort of future ahead of you.

When you feel you will always
love him and vice versa.

Even when you've got stretch marks
and sagging tits and a cellulite bum.

And you can still have a laugh together
when you're eighty.

Even without words. With no teeth.
Because it feeIs right.

l believe that exists. What about you?
-Yes. l...

I've got to go. Maybe we'll bump
into each other again one day.

If we don't, it was a pleasure.

l wish you lots of victories
and valuable prizes and stuff.

Who are those flowers for?

The artists. So we never forget
how important art is.

I'm a good swimmer, eh?
-You're a brilliant swimmer.

Mummy wasn't there, eh?

No.

Go to sleep now.

Timeless and elegant, like you.

Ella, Robbe, have a shower.
Breakfast will be ready soon.

Race you up the stairs.
-Race you up the stairs.

We weren't going to
buy each other presents.

Just this one.

l want to know where you got the money.
-Can't you be pleased, just for once?

Arno, you've lost your job.
-Shit.

l don't believe it.
-Since last Sunday.

Look, I wanted to tell you, but...

How could you do that?
-You're not listening.

Stop acting like a little kid.

It'd be a lot easier
if you stopped acting like my mother.

Where's the receipt?

What receipt?
-For that necklace. I'm taking it back.

l haven't got one.
-Do I have to search your pockets?

l stole it.
-What?

There, happy now?
-Why did you steal that necklace?

l couldn't reach the iPods.

Have you gone crazy?
What if someone finds out?

l wanted to surprise you.

Friday, Friday, Friday.
Ah, eggs. Yes.

You walk down a big staircase
with lots of smoke...

...and go and sit on a throne.
-On a throne?

Don't worry, you won't be
on your own, it's a show.

Low cuIture, high cuIture, films of
poor kids from the Third World.

Disasters that affect them. Floods,
famines, malaria, Madonna, Goedele...

l don't have to sit on that?
-No, no.

Don't worry, it'll be brilliant.
It'll be fine.

Fred, I'm off early today.
-OK. I've still got work to do.

Shouldn't you go and put your shoe
out for Saint Nicholas to fill?

No, I don't think so. I was naughty.

Mummy.

Hi Bobo. How are you?

Hello.

Is your daddy home?
-No.

Lucas?
-Hello, Mum.

So you've come home after all?

Anna, this is my mum.
Mum, this is Anna.

Yes, we've already met.
-That's true.

Lucas, dinner'll be ready in an hour.
-Right.

l can show you my room, if you like.
-Alright.

D'you want to watch a film? Which one?
-My daddy is drunk.

Tipsy.

He's having therapy because he wants
Mummy back. She's stopped eating.

It'll all work out fine.

We've chosen one.
-l don't want to see that one.

Don't make a mess, Boris.

l know what it's like, being on your
own. Especially at Christmas and stuff.

Got it.

Calm down, Boris.

What nonsense is this?

Turn it off.
-No.

Boris, turn it off, now.
Bloody hell.

You're really childish.
-So are you.

Go to your room and calm down.
Watch it, Boris.

Sorry.
-That's OK. I know what it's like.

Would you prefer me to leave?

Don't you get it?
l stood there like a lemon.

And what do I say
when I go downstairs, if I dare?

Thanks for letting me come to play?

What do you want? Tell me.
-l want to go home.

Why?
-l want to see my son.

Maybe I love you?
-No, you don't, Lucas.

We're just funeral sex partners.

Last night was nice, it was fun,
but that's it. Full stop.

I'm crazy about you.

OK? From the fuckin' bottom
of my heart.

How often does it happen in life
that you love someone so much?

That you're on the same wavelength?
-Often.

More than once.

Listen...

OK, you've taken a bite of the apple
and it was nice. Fantastic.

But there are aIso melons.
Or bananas.

Nuts.

What d'you mean, nuts?

Believe me, it happens more than once.
The first time is the most intense.

But afterwards you've got more idea of
what you want and why.

And I want to go home.

Mustn't cry, eh?

I'm not crying.

Lucas... I'm really sorry.

Anna, please...

Aren't you staying for dinner?
-No, thank you.

l...
Thanks for letting me come to play.

Guys, I explicitly asked for
a smoke machine.

No, not fog, or cold smoke.

l want the smoke to come out
from the wings and fill the set.

Is it that difficuIt?

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Sorry.
-That's alright.

Sorry.
-Hi.

Hello.

Hello.
-The department store?

Yes.
-Did she like the necklace?

l have to bring it back.

Shouldn't we sing for Saint Nicholas?
-He's heard enough songs.

We're going to find Daddy
and kill him.

Jan, Koen Wauters. Koen, this is Jan.
-Hello.

And what exactly do you do?

The weather forecast isn't good,
there's snow in the air.

It may be a while.
Can I do anything eIse for you?

Maybe you should phone my wife
to tell her I'm an OK guy?

And then I'll phone your guy.

l don't know his number
-OK? Right.

Tell her it's all a matter of
give and take.

After all, her charts and
school trips and Tupperware boxes...

...you don't hear me
complaining about them.

Oh, you poor thing.
You're too beautiful to be sad.

Don't cry.
Don't cry, don't cry.

It's alright, it'll all be fine.

Thank you. Good evening.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
l hope you're having fun at home.

We're doing our bit with this show,
the music, our special guests.

Wait there.

First, a minister will hand over a cheque,
our money, and then it's you.

Jan, I just wanted to say,
because it's our last evening...

...that I've really enjoyed myseIf,
with you.

When are you going to do something
that'll make you really happy?

l love doing this job,
in spite of the stress.

I'm not talking about your job.

Welcome, Anna and Bruno.

Welcome to all your relatives,
friends and acquaintances, too.

We are happy and pleased
to be allowed to witness...

Bruno.

l rang the bell,
but you didn't open the door.

l didn't know it was you.

Where's Boris?
-Mummy.

Hi, sweetheart.
Have you been there long?

Here you are.

What?
-Nothing.

His throne and his horse are ready.
l can see his Black Peters too.

So it's high time we welcomed
the one and only, real Saint Nicholas.

Crane on standby.
Here we go, guys. We're off.

Smoke, smoke, smoke, applause,
violins, violins and Saint Nicholas.

Where is the jerk?
-Where's Saint Nicholas?

Communicate, people. Back to Koen.
Camera 2, hold that shot and cue.

These things can happen.
-Where the bloody hell is he?

He can't be far away, his horse is here.
-Where is he? Music. The orchestra.

The doors are being locked. Permission's
been received from the control tower.

Good evening. Welcome.
Isn't it cold out? Come in.

I'm coming back to Spain with you.
I'll manage on my own once I'm there.

Jules, I'm going to tell you again.
Look at me. Look at me.

I'm not Saint Nicholas.
l swear. I'm not.

l am not.

But, you're...
-No, no.

Yes, you are, it's you.
-Which is it?

Hold on, hold on.
You saved my little girl. ln the dock.

Bloody hell. I'm really delighted
to be able to thank you.

Thanks, Saint Nicholas.

Just one beer. Besides, you shouldn't
be sitting outside in this snow.

Darling? Darling?

Come on, come in.

We wanted the kids in Africa to
receive a visit from Saint Nicholas.

Darling? Oh. It's like a funeral
in here. Where's Mum?

She's down in the cellar.
-ln the cellar?

It's you.

Darling? You'll never guess
who's in our living room. Darling?

You don't care, do you?
I'm in the bloody cellar.

Why?
-I've been here an hour and a haIf.

You're going to have to help me out...
-Stop.

Stop what?
-Telling lies.

l saw you.

Are you in love?

l don't know who or what you saw
but there isn't anyone eIse.

There is.

Come out of there first.
-No.

Are you going to leave us?
-Leave you? Why would I do that?

Your pancakes are delicious.

I'm crazy about you and not just cos you
make my sandwiches...

...and cos you are an...
an excellent mother.

Quite simply... I love you.
For your own sake.

Darling?

I'm so tired sometimes.

Oh, darling.

l can do some of the cooking
or the shopping...

...or cut out shapes or do the washing
or tidy up, eh?

Look, I'm not perfect, I know,
aIthough...

Don't talk, just hold me.

Yes, it's him.
-The real one?

Can you call Samantha and Brenda?
-OK.

Bye.

Is he really the real one?
-Of course.

I knew it, I knew it.

Want a nut?
-They stink.

What's that? The Tour de France?

All the way from Somalia, here is Maite.
-I don't believe it.

There, and there goes the crane.
Great, guys, great.

Now the two together. Excellent.
Tears, tears. There, that's it.

Nice. That's nice.

Come on. It'll be fine.
-Yoeri, say something.

Take over from me.

We're staying with a close-up of
the woman and the kid.

Aren't you cold?
-Yes.

How are things in there?
-It's a commercial break.

Then it's some crooner
accompanied by a Cossack choir.

Yoeri, if you could choose,
what would make you happy?

Really happy.

At this moment?

Now?

Hey, guys? Oh, sorry.

Kids have gone missing all over town.
The police've received over 50 reports.

Calm down, calm down.

We've got them. I've got an address.
-Really? Where?

But what Bad Peter didn't know
was that a few months earlier...

...one of the Pokemons had
got Pikachu pregnant.

Yes?
-But Pikachu was a little boy.

Yes. Yes, that's true.

He was a little boy
but he isn't any more.

And how that happened,
I'll tell you another time.

Mrs Leekens, may we come in?

He's in the lounge. It's the real one.
-But...

Well? Will we see you again next year?
-No way.

This seems to me to be
a good way of bowing out.

No regrets?

D'you need to think about that?

The only thing I regret...

Bruno? Darling? Darling, wake up.

Look. Boris.

... is that I was never there
for my own child.

I've got a son. Somewhere.
I don't know where.

The kid was three years old
when I took off.

And his mother decided that
I wasn't allowed to see him again.

Maybe she was right...

Saint Nicholas has got a wife and child?

He could have had
if Saint Nicholas hadn't been so stupid.

Have you never tried to
contact your son?

No.

Why? Wasn't it a good idea?

What's your son's name?

Or would you prefer not to say?
-Not to say what?

What your son's name is.

Frederic.
Fred.

Vandeweghe, he probably uses
his mother's surname.

Fred.

Vandeweghe.

I think this is a fitting way
to end our Saint Nicholas Show.

We're at 34 Gardeners Road...

...if any parents are wondering
where to collect their children...

What's this?

This is when it will work.

Come on.

Come here.

I don't dare.

I'll go with you.

I've been trying to picture this moment
for more than 30 years.

What it would be like
and what he would be like.

It's only normal, isn't it?
That I created my own picture.

What did you imagine?

ABBA.
-ABBA?

I always dreamt that
ABBA were my parents.

Who of the four?

All of them.

I'm really crazy about you, Fred.

I should hope so.

It must be here somewhere.
-Watch out.

Are you ready?

For what?
-The rest of your life.

Yes.

Is that me?

Who's Saint Nicholas in the bath with?
-Jesus.

What is Jesus eating?
-The little children from Africa.