Zoolander (2001) - full transcript

Here in Malaysia, there is an almost
overwhelming sense of euphoria,

as the newly-elected
prime minister

has given this impoverished
nation the gift of hope,

promising to raise the
substandard minimum wage

and end child labour
once and for all.

Already considered a living saint,

he has become this small
country's greatest hope,

for a thriving future
in the new millennium.

Get closer, Jaco.

This is disgusting. How
could you let this happen?

I have negotiated my
butt off, Giorgio.



I've tried bribes, I've tried gifts.
I even sent him some pet oxen.

I mean, they love that crap in
Malaysia, but he won't budge.

Listen, 50% of my inventory

is manufactured in sweatshops
on the Malaysian border.

Something has got to be done.

If Malaysia goes, what is next?

My entire panty line
is made in Vietnam.

We'll all go bankrupt
within a year.

The Malaysian must be
eliminated, Mugatu.

What? No, I don't
have time for this.

Perhaps you'd rather go back

to turning out novelty
neckties in Hackensack.

But my new fall
line is almost due.

And I trust you would like to live
to see your spring line, as well?



The Malaysian prime minister
visits New York in 14 days.

Do it then.

Fourteen days? That's Fashion Week.
It's impossible! I have a show!

It's perfect. Invite him to
be your guest of honour.

That's not enough time. It takes
months to train an operative.

What about Fabio?

Too smart. This is a rush job. He's
got to be extremely dim-witted.

- You know the profile, Jacobim.
- A beautiful, self-absorbed,

simpleton who can be manipulated
and moulded like Jell-O.

Or cookie dough.

- Or Play-Doh.
- Any kind of dough.

The point is, we need an empty vessel,
a shallow, dumb, vacuous moron.

And when he's finished,
we'll dispose of him.

But who?

I mean, where in all of
God's green goodness,

am I gonna find someone
that beef-headed?

Derek, I just have a few more
questions, if that's okay.

Cool.

So when did you know you
wanted to be a model?

I guess it would have to be the first
time I went through the second grade.

I caught my reflection in a spoon
while I was eating my cereal,

and I remember thinking, "Wow,
you're ridiculously good-looking."

- "Maybe you could do that
for a career." - Do what?

- Be professionally good-looking.
- Right.

What would you say your
trademark is, if you have one?

Well, I guess the look I'm
best known for is Blue Steel.

What's that look like?

That's impressive.

And then there's
Ferrari and Le Tigre.

Le Tigre's a lot softer. It's a
bit more of a catalogue look.

- I use it for footwear sometimes.
- Can I see that?

Look, without Derek Zoolander,

male modelling wouldn't
be what it is today.

He is a fashion icon.

So, do you spend a lot of
time working on these looks,

thinking about them?

Sure. I've been working on Magnum
for at least eight or nine years.

"Magnum"? That's intriguing.
Can I see that?

Are you kidding? I shouldn't
even be talking about it.

It's nowhere near ready.

It's almost like there's a light
around him. He exudes beauty.

I think about Derek every
time I design a collection.

Derek, I don't know
if you're familiar

with the belief that some
aboriginal tribes hold.

It's the concept that a photo
might steal a part of your soul.

What are your thoughts on that,

as someone who gets his
picture taken for a living?

That Blue Steel look he does? Oh,
my gosh! The style and the hair.

You know, it's almost like the new afro
for the white man, but it's beautiful.

Well, I guess I would have to answer
your question with another question.

How many "abo-digitals"
do you see modelling?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
fashion industry's biggest night,

the VH 1 Fashion Awards.

There he is, three-time
Male Model of the Year,

Derek Zoolander.

He's like music.

Proud owner of Blue Steel,

the look that made him
the legend he now is.

He's almost too good-looking.

Hey, Paco!

That would be my main deterrent
in considering a relationship.

And that's who Derek Zoolander is
defending his title against tonight.

Hansel.

- Hansel, right here!
- All right, all right.

The rookie sensation
who has burned his way

into the eye sockets
of the fashion world,

and left them clawing
their faces for more.

Mugatu sucks! Support
the prime minister!

Mugatu uses slave labour!

Down with Mugatu!

You hate to see something like
that at an event like this.

Ugly protesters bothering
beautiful people.

There's no denying Jacobim Mugatu
has used cheap Malaysian workers

to make his, and most of the
garment industry's, clothes.

- Derek! Derek!
- Hey, Steve, how are you doing?

You're going for your fourth straight
Male Model of the Year award tonight.

Come on. Are you nervous?

Well, there are couple of little
butterflies in my basket,

but I think I'm doing okay.

We also hear you're working on a new
look. Can you tell us about it?

Actually, I can't, Steve,
because it's not yet perfected.

But I can tell you that
it's called Magnum and...

Shut, baby, shut!

If I tell you anything else,
this guy's gonna kill me.

Got that right. How are
you doing, Steven?

- Maury Ballstein, Balls Models.
- A man who needs no introduction.

Maury, you've handled every important
male model for the last 30 years.

- Derek's chances tonight?
- Let me tell you something.

Nobody can touch Derek. Nobody!
I gotta get inside.

I'm shvitzing like a shmendrick
with all these lights.

Derek! Derek! Are you
worried about Hansel?

Not as much as I'm
worried about Gretel.

Hey, put that Hansel and
Gretel line in your article.

I want people to know
how funny I can be.

Oh, believe me, they'll know.
It hits newsstands tomorrow.

Excuse me, Mr Mugatu. Mr
Mugatu, Matilda Jeffries.

Time magazine.

Any comment on Prime Minister
Hassan's wage increases

- for Malaysian garment workers?
- No, he has no comment.

Why don't you let him
speak for himself?

Isn't it true you'd like to see
the prime minister out of power

so you can continue exploiting
cheap Malaysian workers?

Hey, Mugatu! Screw you and
your little dog, too!

Look out! She's got an egg!

Oh, my God! Let go of me!

Yes!

Yes.

Wow.

I just can't tell you how
much this means to me,

to be the first recipient
of this beautiful award.

We have a serious problem
on our hands, Maury.

This Malaysian thing is
getting out of hand.

I hear you, Jaco.

What this, the Slashie, mean,

is you consider me the
best actor slash model,

and not the other way around.

His proposed wage increase
could ruin all of us.

I need it taken care of soon.
I have people to answer to.

All right, now to the
important stuff.

These ain't no slashes, folks.

These are the pure breeds.

Here are the nominees for
Male Model of the Year.

Young, hot, brash.

With more covers in his first
year than any rookie model ever

and an attitude that says, "Who cares?
It's only fashion."

That Hansel's so hot right now.

I hear a lot of words like
"beauty" and "handsomeness"

and "incredibly
chiselled features."

To me, that's like a
vanity, a self-absorption,

that I try to steer clear of.

I dig the bungee. For me, it's
just the way I live my life.

I grip it and I rip it. I
live it with a lot of flair.

I live it on the edge,
where I gotta be.

I wasn't like every other kid, who
dreams about being an astronaut.

I was always more interested in what
bark was made out of on a tree.

Richard Gere's a real hero of mine.
Sting.

Sting would be another
person who's a hero.

The music that he's
created over the years,

I don't really listen to it,

but the fact that he's
making it, I respect that.

I care desperatety
about what I do.

Do I know what product I'm selling? No.
Do I know what I'm doing today? No.

But I'm here, and I'm gonna
give it my best shot.

Over the past decade,

male modelling has had a
shadow cast over it by one man

and five syllables,

Derek Zoolander.

Modelling, to me, isn't just
about being good-looking,

or having a lot of fun and being
really, really good-looking.

The calendar was great,

because it gave people a chance
to see a side of my versatility.

The original Greek word for model
means "misshapen ball of clay",

and I try to think about that every
time I get in front of a camera.

Three-time Male Model of the Year.

And the award goes to

Hansel.

Thank you, Lenny.

Wow!

You know, a lot of people
said winning this award

four years in a row
couldn't happen.

Well, I guess I showed...

I think we've found our
solution, Ballstein.

No, not Derek.

He's perfect, and you know it.
Now make it happen.

It stings me like a fissure
in my ass, but you're right.

He's ready.

Who am I?

I don't know.

I guess I have a lot
of things to ponder.

Hey, the results are in, amigo!

What's left to ponder?

Nice comeback!

I can't stand Hansel!

I know, right?

Riding in on that scooter
like he's so cool.

- And the way Hansel combs his hair.
- Or, like, doesn't.

It's like, "'Ex-squeeze' me, but
have you ever heard of styling gel?"

I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel.
He's a male model.

Earth to Brint. I
was making a joke.

Earth to Meekus. Duh, okay?
I knew that.

Earth to Brint. I'm
not so sure you did

'cause you were all, "Well, I'm
sure he's heard of styling gel."

Like you didn't
know it was a joke.

I knew it was a joke, Meekus. I
just didn't get it right away.

- Earth to Brint...
- Would you guys stop it already!

Did you ever think that
maybe there's more to life

than being really, really, really,
ridiculously good-looking?

I mean, maybe we should be doing

something more meaningful
with our lives.

Like helping people.

Derek, what people?

I don't know. People
who need help.

Models help people. They make
them feel good about themselves.

They also show them how to dress cool,
and wear their hair in interesting ways.

I guess so.

You know what could really help you
sort through these important issues?

What?

- Orange mocha frappuccino!
- Orange mocha frappuccino!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Come on, man! Come on!

"Derek Zoolander. A model idiot."

- Brint!
- Huh?

No!

Rufus, Brint and Meekus
were like brothers to me.

And when I say brother, I don't
mean like an actual brother,

but I mean it like the
way black people use it,

which is more meaningful, I think.

If there's anything that this
horrible tragedy can teach us,

it's that a male model's life is
a precious, precious commodity.

Just because we have chiselled
abs, and stunning features,

it doesn't mean that we too can't not
die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

So today, ladies and gentlemen, I
would like to take this opportunity,

to announce my...

Hansel. He's so hot right now.
Hansel.

I would like to take this...

People!

I'd like to announce my retirement
from the male modelling profession.

What?

I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life
than being really, really good-looking.

And I plan on finding out what that is.
Thank you.

Mr Mugatu! Mr Mugatu!

If I could just have a moment
of your time, please, sir.

Just one minute of your
time, please, sir!

Derek? Derek, hey!

- What do you want?
- Actually, I'm trying to talk to Mugatu,

but he's tougher to get
to than the president.

I thought you were gonna tell me
what a bad "eugoogolizer" I am.

A what?

A "eugoogolizer." One
who speaks at funerals.

Or did you think I'd be too stupid
to know what a "eugoogoly" was?

How could you have written those
terrible things about me?

Look, Derek, my editor put
that headline on it, okay?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know
it came off kind of harsh.

Yeah, well, fortunately for
you, not too many people I know

read your little Time magazine,
or whatever it's called.

Look, maybe you could
do me a favour.

All I'm trying to do is get some
background information on Mugatu.

Mugatu? If you knew anything,

you'd know Mugatu's the one
designer who's never hired me.

Come on. There's gotta be...

Sorry, lady. Not interested.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got
an after funeral party to attend.

Go back home? You're overreacting.

I want to do something
meaningful with my life, Maury.

I have deeper thoughts on my mind.

The other day, I was
thinking about volunteering,

to help teach underprivileged
children to learn how to read.

Just thinking about it was the most
rewarding experience I've ever had.

Derek, I don't think you're cut
out for that kind of thing.

I mean, maybe I could even
have my own institute.

We could call it the Derek Zoolander
Centre for Kids Who Can't Read Good.

What about us? We built
this place together.

Look out! Tushy squeeze!

Maury!

Derek, when I met you,
you were a junior petite

who couldn't book a
goddamn Sears catalogue,

and who couldn't turn
left to save his ass.

- Now look at you.
- I can turn left!

Yeah, right.

Derek, please. Some male models
go left at the end of a runway,

others go right.

You got a lot of gifts, but hanging
a louie just isn't one of them.

Sit down!

Hey, you want to hear
some great news?

Mugatu wants you for
his new campaign.

Didn't you hear me, Maury?
I just retired.

But this is Mugatu, Derek.

Right now, this guy is so hot,

he can take a crap, wrap it in tin
foil, put a couple of fishhooks on it,

and sell it to Queen
Elizabeth as earrings.

Derek, you're the laughing stock
of the entire fashion world.

What do we do when we
fall off the horse?

We get back on.

Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.

I'm going back home. I need to
get in touch with my roots.

Figure out who I am.
See you around, Maury.

Hey, Pop!

It's me.

Scrappy, Luke,

you remember your brother, right?

What do you want?

I thought maybe I could work
the mines with you guys.

You know, all the Zoolander
men together again,

like when we were kids.

Times have changed, boy.

You wouldn't last one day
down those coal pits.

Can't you even pretend to
be happy to see me, Pop?

Damn it, Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a
professional film and television actor.

Do us all a favour
and get out of here.

Pop, wait, please!

Give me a chance.

I won't let you down. I promise.

Hold very still. Very still.
I'm working right now. This...

- Ouch!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Did my pin get in the
way of your ass?

Do me a favour and lose
five pounds immediately,

or get out of my
building like now!

Get out!

I'm so tired! No, Todd, not now!

It's Maury.

Tell me something good.

You may have to start
looking for someone else.

There is no one else. The show
is in 10 days, Ballstein.

Jaco, I hear you, but
the kid's mixed up.

He went home. He's talking
about going off to ponder

and tutoring underprivileged
retards or some shit.

I don't care what it takes.
Get him back.

We're running out of time.
Capisce?

Yeah, I capisce. Now if
I could only ca-piss.

My prostate's flaring up
like a frickin' tiki torch.

Give me a little pee-pee.
Come on, a couple of drops.

That's what I'm talking about!

Surprise!

What the hell's the
matter with you?

Pacheco back to pass.

He's feeling pressure
from Pressman.

He's tooking for his All-American
John DeRosa, the wide receiver.

He's got him wide open in
the middle of the field.

Big rush.

Who's winning the match?

Hits Kevin Connolly, the
tight end down in there.

State.

I think I'm getting
the black lung, Pop.

It's not very well
ventilated down there.

For Christ's sake, Derek,
you've been down there one day.

Talk to me in 30 years.

Moisture is the
essence of wetness,

and wetness is the
essence of beauty.

Why'd you have to come
back to this damn town?

I wanted to make a
new life for myself.

I'm sorry I was born with
this perfect bone structure.

That my hair looks better
done up with gel and mousse

than hidden under a stupid
hat with a light on it!

All I ever wanted to do was
make you proud of me, Pop.

With what? Your male modelling?

Prancing around in your underwear

with your wiener hanging
out for everyone to see?

You're dead to me, boy.

You're more dead to me
than your dead mother.

I just thank the Lord she didn't
live to see her son as a mermaid.

Merman.

Merman!

Who am I?

Hello? Derek, you hearing me?

- God?
- God?

What the shit are you talking about?
It's me. Maury.

I hope you're finished
touching your roots,

because Mugatu's making you
an offer you won't believe.

You gotta get your
tuches back here.

Well, to tell you the truth, I was a
little hesitant at first, Mr Mugatu.

I mean, you've never hired me
before, and I've been around for...

For ages and ages. You've been
around for a long, long time.

I never wanted anything from you.

And now that you're
retired, I can't have you.

And it's funny how it
switches like that.

But now the forbidden
fruit must be tasted.

Well, when Maury told me what
you were willing to do, I...

Todd!

Are you not aware that I get farty
and bloated with a foamy latte?

My mistake, Jacobim.

Your mistake, indeed!

Yes, Derek.

What Maury said I was
willing to do for you.

Let's get back to the reason
that we're really here.

Without much further
ado, I give you

the Derek Zoolander Centre for
Kids Who Can't Read Good.

What is this?

A center for ants?

What?

How can we be expected to teach
children to learn how to read,

if they can't even fit
inside the building?

- Derek, it's just a small...
- I don't want to hear your excuses!

The center has to be at least

three times bigger than this.

- He's absolutely right.
- Thank you.

I have a vision.

And so do I. Let me show you mine.

I can't help you, lady. I don't
know nothing about Mugatu.

But you've represented every male
model in each of his campaigns.

You must have some kind of
a relationship with him.

Even if I did, why
would I talk to you?

Shame on you how you picked on
Derek Zoolander in that story.

He's a sweet simpleton
who never hurt a fly.

Please don't change the
subject, Mr Ballstein.

What about Mugatu's exploitation
of sweatshop workers in Malaysia?

- Do you have an opinion on that?
- You wanna hear an opinion?

With a push-up bra, you could have a
nice rack of lamb going on there.

Let me show you the
future of fashion.

Let me show you

Derelicte!

It is a fashion, a way of life,

inspired by the very
homeless, the vagrants,

the crack whores

that make this wonderful
city so unique.

And I want you, Derek,
to be the face,

the image, nay, the
spirit of Derelicte!

It'll be your glorious comeback.

Sounds cool.

Derek, I'd like you to meet
Katinka Ingabogovinanana.

She'll be your day-to-day
on the campaign.

Let's get this model on his way!

The big show is in
eight days, Derek.

Like a caterpillar becomes a butterfly,
so must you become Derelicte!

So you want me to
sleep in the gutter?

No. We're sending you to a
very exclusive day spa.

So exclusive, no one knows about it.
Our little secret, okay?

- Matilda, hey.
- Hey, Arch, what's up?

Nothing. I've just been
up for a few days,

putting together these background
articles on Mugatu you asked for.

Wow! Very thorough, Archie.
Thank you.

It's weird. I couldn't get
any info on him before 1995.

It's like he just
appeared out of the blue.

- Really? That's strange.
- Yeah.

- Matilda Jeffries.
- Keep pulling the sweater.

- Excuse me?
- Eventually the thing will unravel.

You mean, if you pull the thread,
the whole thing will unravel?

Now you're talking, sister. If you
want to know more, go to Pier 12.

Things aren't what they seem.

What kind of spa is this?

It's designed for deep, deep relaxation.
Come, let's get you loosened up.

Good boy. Good boy.

Good boy.

I'm sorry.

Derek?

Matilda, what are you doing here?

I was...

What are you doing here, Derek? I
thought you quit the business.

Haven't you heard? I'm the new face
of Mugatu's Derelicte campaign.

What do you mean, Derek? You
said Mugatu never hires you.

Well, I guess he changed his mind.

It's only the biggest
campaign in the world. Ever.

What is this? Who are you?

This is private property. Nils!

I suggest you and your Kmart
Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit,

stay the hell away
from Derek Zoolander.

How do you feel, Derek?

Okay.

When's the seaweed wrap?

You shut up now.

I want you to relax

and breathe deeply.

Breathe deeply.

- I like this song.
- Of course you do.

Hello, Derek.

Hello.

Welcome to your relaxation time.

Let this wonderful '80s
classic soothe you.

Just a nice, warm, happy time.

Happy, happy, happy.

Nothing to worry about at all.

Just relax.

Hey there, Derek. My
name is Lit' Kteatus.

I'm just a kid who wants you to know the
real truth about child labour laws.

- Okay?
- Okay.

They're silly and outdated.
In the good old days,

kids as young as five could
work as they pleased,

from textile factories
to iron smelts.

Yippee! Hooray!

But today, the age-old right of
children to work is under attack.

From the Philippines to
Bangladesh, in China and India,

and South America, too.

But you can help these
children, Derek,

by killing the prime
minister of Malaysia.

- He is bad.
- What?

You learn martial arts.

Prime minister of Malaysia bad!

Martial arts good!

Kill naughty man! Kill naughty man!
Kill naughty man!

Obey my dog!

On the runway, you
have one objective.

Do not be distracted by the
beautiful cetebrities.

Do as you've been trained to do and
kill the Malaysian prime minister!

Karate chop! Bad, man! Awful man!

In your little blue suit and
your spiky black hair. Kill!

You're a super-hot ninja machine!

- Derek, are you in there?
- Hold your horses!

- Derek, please open the door!
- What a cuckoo dream.

Derek!

- What?
- Hey, are you okay?

I've been trying to
reach you for a week.

A week? What, are you
having a whack attack?

I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.

That was last Friday.

Earth to Matilda. I
was at a day spa.

Day. D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?

Look, I think I know
what this is about,

and I'm very complimented,
but not interested.

- What?
- I can't sleep with you, okay?

- My head is killing me and...
- What are you talking about?

Okay, if you just want to
fool around a little bit...

Hey, I don't want
to sleep with you!

I've been trying to tell you
you've been missing for a week.

Would you look at the date.

Mugatu's Derelicte show
is tomorrow night.

I don't care what the date says.

You have 1,200 messages.

That is a bit above average.

- Derek, what happened in that spa?
- I don't know.

A little massage,
some aromatherapy.

I mean, look, lady, you can't just
come barging into people's lofts,

wanting sex, then
changing your mind,

then telling them that they've
been in a day spa for a week.

You have been in a
day spa for a week.

So what?

Do you understand that the world
does not revolve around you,

and your "do whatever it takes,
ruin as many people's lives",

"so long as you can make a name for
yourself as a investigatory journalist,

"no matter how many
friends you lose,

"or people you leave dead
and bloodied along the way,

"just so long as you can
make a name for yourself

"as an investigatory journalist,

"no matter how many
friends you lose,

"or people you leave dead and
bloodied and dying along the way"?

Derek, I told you I was
sorry about that article.

Enough! My head hurts!

And if it indeed is what
day you claim it is,

I have a pre-runway party to
attend, if you'll excuse me.

- By the way...
- What?

With your complexion,

you really shouldn't be wearing
your hair pulled back that tight.

What are you talking about?

It pulls back the skin
on your forehead,

creating a tension
which clogs the pores.

That's why you have some light
pattern dryness around your scalp.

Do you mind?

Cool.

I do not like snoopy reporter
with lack of fashion sense.

Not one little bit.

Hey, I just e-mailed you all
those LexisNexis searches,

on the male models who've
appeared in Mugatu campaigns.

It's pretty weird. It seems
like all of Mr Mugatu's models

have a bad habit of dying
young in freak accidents.

What?

- Wait a second.
- What?

- Oh, shit. I gotta go.
- What's going on?

I don't want to hang out, okay?

I just need to speak with
Derek Zoolander, please!

I just thought the way you handled
losing that award to Hansel,

and then you sort of
laid low for a while,

and then made your comeback...

It was so courageous.

Look, I gotta go pee,

but I'd really like to continue
talking about this conversation

when I come back.

Yeah.

- Everything cool, Derek?
- It's great, Biff. Thank you.

Hey, Derek. You rule.

Thanks, Paris. I appreciate that.

- Hey, Derek.
- Hey, Maurice.

- Hey, my man.
- What's happening?

Derek, back on top, man.

Thanks, Billy. You rock.

No, you rock. When are you gonna
drop Magnum on us, buddy?

Not yet. Gotta tame the beast
before you let it out of its cage.

- Excuse me, bro.
- You're excused.

And I'm not your bro.

Whatever, dude. Whatever.
Peace. God bless.

Hey, Hansel, I'm sorry you didn't
get Mugatu's Derelicte campaign.

Maybe next time.

What's that?

Mugatu's Derelicte campaign.
Sorry you didn't book it.

Oh, yeah? I've never
even heard of it.

Me and my friends
have been too busy

bathing off the southern
coast of St Barts,

with spider monkeys for
the past two weeks.

Tripping on acid changed our
whole perspective on shit.

So I guess you can Dere-lick
my balls, cápitan.

Would you hold this for me?

I can Dere-lick my own
balls, thank you very much.

You think you're too
cool for school.

But I got a news flash for
you, Walter Cronkite.

You aren't.

Who are you trying to
get crazy with, ese?

Don't you know I'm loco?

Hey, I got a wacky idea.

What say we settle
this on the runway?

Han-solo?

Stop it.

Are you challenging
me to a walk-off

Boo-lander?

Don't do this, Derek.

Listen to your friend Billy Zane.

He's a cool dude. He's
trying to help you out.

Oh, yeah. That's a walk-off
challenge, my friend.

Ten minutes. Old Members
Only warehouse.

You oughta remember that.
You're a dinosaur.

Let's go. Open up.

I heard some mad stories about this kid.
He's limber. He's too limber.

Put a cork in it, Zane!

It's a walk-off. Walk-off.

This is urgent, ma'am.
Do you have any...

Derek? Derek! Derek!

Hey, Matilda.

What is this? Where
is everyone going?

Good luck, Derek!
Kick Hansel's ass!

Thanks, Rico. I'll try.

You want to see the real
world of male modelling?

The one they don't show you in
magazines or the E! channel?

Yeah, I guess. Derek, please.

I have something really
important to talk to you about.

Not now, Matilda.

Han-sell-out is about to
have his Han-sell-ass

handed to him on a platter
with french-fried potatoes.

Katinka, thought you
might want to know,

your boy Zoolander's rolling.

It's a walk-off.

All right, who's gonna
call this sucker?

If nobody has any objections,

I believe I might be of service.

Now, this'll be a straight
walk-off, old school rules.

First model walks,
second model duplicates,

then elaborates.

Okay, boys, let's go to work.

Age before beauty, goat cheese.

Whatever.

Right.

Playschool, baby.

You got to cut me. I can't see.
I'm blind out there.

Evian. Evian.

It's okay. It's okay.

- Where am I? Where am I?
- It's okay.

- Kickin', Hoss.
- I'm going monk.

I got to go monk. Prayer. Prayer.

Pray to the Great Spirit.

Do it, Hansel. Just do it.
Do it, Hansel.

Why is he sticking his
hand in his pants?

Do it, Hansel.

That's what I'm talking about.

Derek, you're not a kid any more.
You could hurt yourself out there.

I can do this, Tyson.

Thank God I wore underwear today.

He's going for it.

Oh, my God.

Disqualified.

Derek, come on. Come on.

Come on.

What's going on?

I think Katinka wants to kill you.

Good. I deserve to die if I can't
beat Han-suck-ass in a walk-off.

Derek, that's not true.

The guy had to miraculously pull
his underwear out of his butt

just to beat you.

And all he had to
do was turn left.

What do you mean?

I'm not an ambi-turner.

It's a problem I had
since I was a baby.

I can't turn left.

Derek, that's nothing
to be ashamed of.

I'm sure there are a lot of people
out there who can't turn...

I mean, there have got to
be some people out there,

just like you, who can't turn...

Turn left.

Hello.

If you want answers, come to
Saint Adonis Cemetery now.

Wait! Wait! Wait! Who are you?

Who was that?

I'm not sure. I have to get
to Saint Adonis Cemetery.

Listen, I'm gonna take you
to my apartment, okay?

You can stay there
until I get back.

Can I come with?

I don't want to be alone tonight.

Pedro Scialfa.

He died when he was 29.

Vin Correjo.

"Derriere Extraordinaire."

92 minus 63.

None of them ever made it past 30.

I did.

Who are you?

It's not important.

Are you a ghost?

He called, Derek.

Let's take a walk.

You think Zoolander's in trouble?
Think again.

What you've stumbled upon goes way
deeper than you could ever fathom.

The fashion industry
has been behind,

every major political assassination
over the last 200 years.

And behind every hit, a
card-carrying male model.

Okay, that's impossible.

Oh, yeah? Listen and
learn, sweetness.

Abe Lincoln wanted to
abolish slavery, right?

But who do you think
made the powdered wigs

and coloured leg stockings, worn
by our country's early leaders?

Mugatu!

Slaves, Derek.

Without their free labour, prices on
such items would have gone up tenfold.

So the powers that be
hired John Wilkes Booth,

the originat model/actor,
to do Mr Lincoln in.

I'll go on.

Dallas, Texas, 1963.

Kennedy had just put a
trade embargo on Cuba,

ostensibly halting the shipment
of Cuban-manufactured slacks.

Incredibly popular
item at the time.

Lee Harvey Oswald was
not a male model.

You're God damn right he wasn't.

But those two lookers
who capped Kennedy

from the grassy knoll
sure as shit were.

Well, what about you?

How do you fit in to all this?

This nation was swept...

I'll get it, ma'am.

I can't get over...

Wait a minute.

- No.
- I know that hand.

It was in the fall 1973
Bulova watch catalogue.

You're J. P. Prewitt.

The world's greatest hand model.

Once upon a time.
But things change.

Thanks to this homemade
hyperbaric chamber,

my sweet baby never did.

Let's keep moving.

And that's when I found out I was in
line to assassinate Jimmy Carter.

- So, how did you manage to escape?
- Because I'm a hand model, mama.

A finger jockey. We don't
think the same way

as the face and body boys do.

- We're a different breed.
- So why male models?

Think about it, Derek.

Male models are genetically
constructed to become assassins.

They're in peak
physical condition.

They can gain entry to the most
secure places in the world.

And most important of all, models
don't think for themselves.

- They do as they're told.
- That is not true.

- Yes, it is, Derek.
- Okay.

Yeah. Think about any photo
shoot you've ever been on.

You're a monkey, Derek!
You're a monkey.

Dance, monkey, in your
little spangly shoes!

Mash your cymbals, chimpy!
Dance, Derek, dance!

Good point.

But if this has been going
on for so long, Mugatu...

He's just a punk-ass errand boy,

working for an international
syndicate of fashion designers.

You do a little background
check on your Mr Mugatu.

You'll find that he sold his soul to
the devil for a shot at the big time.

But why male models?

Are you serious? I just... l
just told you that a moment ago.

Right.

You're a killing machine, Derek.
They've programmed you.

But I won't do it. I
won't kill anybody.

It's not up to you.

At the proper moment,
they'll trigger you,

usually using some
kind of auditory

or visual Pavlovian
response mechanism.

- "Audi-what-ey"?
- And when it's over...

What?

There's an after party?

Derek, get down!

You got to get to Maury
Ballstein's computer.

He recorded everything in
case they ever turned on him.

Derek, get a grip! Get a grip!

Good luck to you, Derek. I've
always been a fan of Blue Steel.

And I hear Magnum is
gonna blow us all away.

Come on!

- Get out of here.
- Hang in there, J. P.

You freakin' idiot!

Man, that was close.

I can't believe Maury's
in on it, too.

That she-male Katinka's
not messing around.

You're telling me!
For a second there,

I thought someone was gonna
be reading our "eugoogoly."

Okay, all right, we
need a place to hide.

Derek, where's the last place anyone
would ever expect to look for you?

I don't know.

Think, okay? This is important!

I hate Hansel!

Hansel, Hansel! Everywhere I look!
Hansel! Hansel, Hansel!

Were you looking for a rematch?

Excuse me, Hansel.

I don't think there's an
easy way to put this,

so I am just gonna lay it out.

Derek has been brainwashed

to kill the prime
minister of Malaysia.

And?

And we need a place to hide until
we figure this whole thing out.

Derek said this would probably be

the last place anyone
would look for him.

Yeah, you're cool to hide here.

But first, me and him got to
straighten some shit out.

Fine.

Why you been acting so
messed up towards me?

Well, you go first.

I don't know. Maybe I felt a
little threatened or something,

'cause your career is,
kind of, just blossoming,

and mine's, kind of,
winding down or whatever.

And I felt like, "This
guy's really hurting me,"

and it hurt.

And I felt like when you told
me to Dere-lick my balls,

that really hurt.

Maybe I was scared, man.
You're Derek Zoolander!

Yeah, you're Derek Zoolander.

You know what it's like
to be another model

and be in Derek
Zoolander's shadow?

You want to hear something crazy?

Your work

in the winter '95
International Male catalogue

made me want to be a model.

I freakin' worship you, man.

I'm sorry I was whack.

I was whack.

So welcome to chez Hansel.

You're welcome to hide out
here as long as you want.

Well, there isn't much time.
The show's tomorrow night.

We have to figure
out a plan by then.

I'll round up the troops here.

Hey, what's up, y'all?
This is Derek and Matilda.

Derek, you know Natani and Chloe.

Hi!

We got Buzzy Sullivan, big
wave surfer from Maverick's.

Hey, bra.

This is this fantastic
band, the Little Kings,

I met when I was ice
sailing in Finland.

That's my Sherpa, Lapsang.

Okay, so, hey, everybody!
Listen up for a second.

Derek and Matilda are in hiding
'cause some dudes brainwashed Derek,

to off the prime
minister of Micronesia.

- Malaysia.
- Right.

So, they're gonna be hiding
here for a little while.

Let's show them a good time.

- Right on!
- All right, come on, over here.

Hey, Ennui, will you
do me a favour?

Will you get me some of that
tea that me and Lapsang got,

when we were free
climbing the Mayan ruins?

This... This is really strong tea.

No, it's just right. Trust me.

What with all the intrigue you
guys have been dealing with.

You know, Matilda, I'm surprised
you're so worried about "Der-rock."

From that article that
I read, it seems like

you don't really care too much
about guys in our line of work.

Why do you hate models, Matilda?

- Honestly?
- Yes.

I think they're vain, stupid
and incredibly self-centred.

I totally agree with you.

But how do you feel
about male models?

Sweet.

No, no! Okay, but seriously, Matil.
Is it all right if I call you Matil?

What's the deal, yo-yo?

'Cause you're not telling
us the whole story.

There's something
else, isn't there?

You guys really want
to know the truth?

- Yeah.
- Okay, then I'm gonna tell you the truth.

When I was in seventh grade, I
was the fat kid in my class.

All right, forget it.

- No.
- Dude, be cool tonight. Come on.

I'm sorry. Please, go ahead.
My mistake.

I was the one that all the pretty
girls used to make fun of.

It was an awkward phase.

Anyway,

every day after school, I
would come home and...

You know, I'd flip through the pages
of my mom's Vogue and Glamour.

And I just...

I'd look at these women,

these perfect, beautiful,

just unbelievable, skinny women.

I just couldn't...

Oh, I couldn't understand why
I didn't look like them.

I... I just didn't get it. So...

So I became...

What?

Bulimic.

You can read minds?

It's when you throw
up after every meal.

See, you know what? This is exactly
what you models do to people.

You make them feel bad
about themselves.

Matilda...

Matilda, it's just...

So what? I throw up
after lots of meals.

So do I. It's a great way to
lose pounds before a show.

Are you guys insane? Do you
understand that it's a disease.

Wow. How did that affect you with guys?
Did they not want to get busy with you?

- Good point.
- Okay. You know what?

I'm not gonna sit here with both of
you and discuss my sex life or...

Or lack thereof.

You mean, like, like
you, like you...

- Haven't really...
- You haven't...

- Done it...
- Done it in a while, yeah.

Okay, what's a while?
Like, eight days?

More?

Try a couple years.

Oh, snap!

How do you live? How do you live?

Seriously. Do you service
yourself ten times a day?

- End of discussion!
- Easy. Okay, hold on.

- Easy, easy.
- I'm not comfortable talking,

- Easy. Easy.
- This is...

This has been an emotional
day for all of us.

I think we should get naked.

What?

Don't ask questions.

Just give in to the
power of the tea.

So I'm rappelling
down Mount Vesuvius,

when suddenly I slip
and I start to fall.

I mean, I'm about to die.
Hot bread, Zeke.

Just falling. I'll never
forget the terror.

When suddenly I remember, "Holy shit.
Hansel,"

"haven't you been smoking
peyote for six straight days?"

"And couldn't some of this,
maybe, be in your mind?"

And?

It was. I was totally fine.

I've never even been
to Mount Vesuvius.

Cool story, Hansel.

Thanks, Olaf.

Dude, how dope was last night?

I mean, the soil room.
Dirt was flying.

You couldn't see anything.
It was like, who's that?

- Who's this?
- I think I'm falling for Matilda, Hansel.

Dude, I wasn't gonna say anything,

but it was crazy energy flying
back and forth between you guys.

It was like, look out!

There was a moment last night,

when she was sandwiched between
the two Finnish dwarves

and the Maori tribesman...

- Yeah.
- ...where I thought,

"Wow, I could really spend the
rest of my life with this woman."

Really?

What do you call that?

I think you call
that love, D-Bone.

Hey!

So what time is it?

- Almost 5:00.
- What?

Hey, guys, that show
is in three hours.

Derek is dead unless we get
that evidence. Do you guys...

Easy. How about a "Good
afternoon, Derek and Hansel."

"Thanks for the freak
fest last night"?

- Hello?
- Hello?

Hi, Katinka.

No, I just had a really late
party night last night.

- Derek, hang up the phone now!
- Where am I?

- Look, I have to go!
- Hang up!

But I'll see you at 7:00.
Okay, bye.

Derek, I thought I told you
to turn off your phone.

Turn off my phone?

- Yeah.
- Earth to Matilda.

This phone is as much
a part of me as...

You know what? Can we just cut it out
with all the "Earth to's", please?

We're not actually saying this is
the Earth calling you, Matilda.

Yeah. No, I got that. I understand
you don't literally mean...

No, I don't think you do.

Listen. It's not like we think that
we're actually in a control tower,

trying to reach outer space
aliens or something, okay?

Hello.

- Oh, snap!
- A joke.

Okay, you know what?

Instead of doing that, I'm gonna try
to figure out a way into Maury's,

before Derek assassinates
a world leader.

Wait a minute.

I might just have an idea.

They'll be looking for
us at Maury's, right?

But they won't be looking for...

Not us.

Derek, what are you talking about?

Hansel, do you have
a cosmetics case?

Sure, I mean, just for
touch-ups or whatever.

What are you gonna do with that?

That'll do. Early in my career,

I used to do my own makeup
styling and tailoring.

If I can create a basic
disguise for us,

we may just be able to sneak
into Maury's, undetected.

You is talkin' loco and I like it.

Welcome to Derelicte.

Hansel calling Matil.
Hansel calling Matil.

We have entry. Repeat.

- We have entry.
- Okay, guys. I hear you.

Now, once you get the info, I want
you to e-mail it to my office

and I'll download the files,

we'll rendezvous and take the
information to the police.

We hear you loud and clear.

Listen, Matil.

I've been thinking a lot
about that bulimia thing.

And I want you to know I understand
where you're coming from.

I feel really bad that
good-looking people like us,

made you throw up and
feel bad about yourself.

For serious.

- Thanks, Derek. Now, hurry up.
- Okay.

Hey, I finally got the results

on the name check you asked
for on Jacobim Mugatu.

- Or should I say Jacob Moogberg.
- What?

He changed his name when he
went into the fashion business.

Apparently, the guy was the
original guitar synth player,

for that band Frankie
Goes to Hollywood,

but he got kicked out,
before they hit it big

with that song Relax.

After the Frankie folks
gave him the heave-ho,

he held a series
of odd jobs until,

get this, he invented the
piano-key necktie in 1985.

The guy's been a fashion
designer ever since.

First obstacle.

You ever use one of these?

I don't think so.

Watch out. Watch...
Fix that hem, Jason.

Please. I need... Katinka!

He's not here yet, Jacobim.

- That little toad-face better show.
- He will show.

Good, because I'm a hot
little potato right now.

There must be an "on"
button somewhere.

Did you press that apple thing?

Wait! Hansel!

Let's not lose our cool.

Then we're no better
than the machine.

It's almost 7:00. I got to go.

No! Derek. Der, wait.

If you go, they'll make you
kill that Eurasian dude.

I don't care, Hansel. I've never
been late for a show in my life.

I don't plan on starting now.

Damn it, you're right.

Do me a favour.

If anything happens to me, I want
you to give this to Matilda.

- No.
- Please, Hansel. Take it. Please.

- Man.
- Take it.

Let's just say I'll hold on
to it till you get back.

Go! Go!

We're live at the Derelicte show,

where controversial
designer Jacobim Mugatu,

has extended the olive branch

to the Malaysian Prime
Minister Hassan,

making him the guest of
honour at tonight's show.

And starring in that show, veteran
supermodel Derek Zootander.

Guys, what's happening?
Did you find the files?

Matilda, we've got problems.

Derek's already left for the show.

No. No, he can't. We don't
even know what the trigger is.

He just went running out of here.
I couldn't stop him.

- I'll call him on his phone.
- He doesn't have it.

- What?
- Yeah, he doesn't have it.

What are you talking about?
He always has it.

- No, he gave it to me.
- Did you find the files?

I don't even know what they...
What do they look like?

They're in the computer.

They're in the computer?

Yeah, they're definitely in there. I
just don't know how he labelled them.

- I got it.
- You got to figure it out.

We're running out of time, Hansel,

you got to find them and
meet me at the show.

Roger.

In the computer.

It's so simple.

Hey, I just cut up a couple
of cantaloupe halves,

with some cottage cheese,
if you're hungry.

Not the right time. I need
to figure out this trigger

before Derek kills the
Malaysian prime minister.

You just seem a little tense. I
was trying to help you relax.

Relax? The last thing I
need to do right now is...

- That's it.
- Let's go, people!

Let's go! Vagrants and whores,
you're wanted in Makeup!

Runaways and street
hustlers, you're next!

- You had us worried, Derek.
- Everything's cool.

- I'm really super psyched for the show.
- Good.

Just remember, relax.

Two minutes, Derek.

There he is.

I just want to wish you good luck.

Don't you mean "Good-bye"?

What are you talking?

I know it was you, Maury.

I know it was you,

and it breaks my heart.

Derek, I don't know
what you're talking.

Derek, I'm...

I'm sorry.

Glad you could join us, Kmart.

Lucky for you, there
is no dress code.

I am vile spew

of the wretched masses.

I am really, really dirty.

I am Derelicte!

You make me sick to
my stomach, Jaco.

It'll all be over soon.

Derek Zoolander will be
dead and you'll be fine.

You always are.

Come on, Derek. You're on.

Break a leg, Derek.

Derek...

It's Relax!

I hate you.

I'm fine. I've done
this a thousand times.

The trigger! It's...

Concentrate, Derelicte.

Do not be distracted by the
beautiful celebrities.

Celebrities.

Do what you've been trained to do and
kill the Malaysian prime minister!

Just do it already!

D-Bone, I got your back!

What?

It's that damn Hansel!

He's so hot right now!

Popping and locking, fool!

They're break-dance fighting.

Derek Zoolander just tried to kill
the prime minister of Malaysia.

That's bullshit!
Listen up, everyone.

Mugatu's a dick!

He tried to brainwash Derek
to kill the Claymation dude.

That's a lie! Zoolander snapped
because he's over the hill!

He knew his career was over
and he couldn't face it.

No way, compadre.

We got 30 years of files
right here in this computer!

They're gonna bring you down!

Oh, no.

Down!

Where did all the files go?

I'm taking you out!

Yo, taste my pain, bitch!

Yes!

Deal with that!

You don't have the guts, Kmart!

Wanna bet? And by the way,

you were wrong about my outfit.

It's the Cheryl Ladd Collection,
and I got it at J.C. Penney.

On sale.

Jig's up, Mugatu. Everything
they're saying is true.

I've been in on it for 30 years.

What are you doing, Ballstein?

I'm done, Jaco. I got a prostate
the size of a honeydew,

and a head full of bad memories.

It's time to set things straight.

You have no evidence. Han-stupid
destroyed everything.

I got two words for
you, sugar, Zip disc.

The whole thing is in
my den in Long Island.

I can have that evidence
here in 20 minutes.

- That a boy, Maury.
- Hold on a second.

I'm afraid of the radiation.

Sheila, honey, it's me. Listen.

I need you to bring that Zip disc in
the den down to the fashion show.

I don't care what the
traffic is like.

Take the God damn service road
and get off before the bridge.

So put it in one of those
Tupperware containers

and I'll heat it up in the
microwave when I get home.

For Christ's sake, it's a
casserole, Sheila! It'll stay!

Shut up!

Enough already, Ballstein!

Who cares about Derek
Zoolander, anyway?

The man has only one
look, for Christ's sake!

Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre?

They're the same face!

Doesn't anyone notice this? I
feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

I invented the piano-key necktie!

I invented it!

What have you done, Derek?
Nothing!

You've done nothing! Nothing!

And I will be a monkey's uncle
if I have you ruin this for me!

Because if you can't get
the job done, then I will!

Die, you wage-hiking scum!

One look?

One look? I don't think so!

There it is!

Magnum!

Holy moly.

Yeah, baby! That's what
I've been waiting for!

Dear God. It's beautiful.

Yeah!

That's my kid. That's my son.

Yeah!

Derek!

I love that kid. Dumb as
a stump, but I love him.

Derek, you did it!
That was amazing!

I know. I turned left!

Yeah, that too. But, Derek,

you saved the prime
minister of Malaysia!

Right. Cool.

Thank you, Derek Zoolander,
for saving my life.

Hi, I'm former male
supermodel Derek Zoolander.

And here at the Derek
Zoolander Centre

for Kids Who Can't Read Good,

and Who Wanna Learn to Do
Other Stuff Good, Too,

we teach students of all ages,

everything they need to know to
learn to be a professional model

and a professional human being.

Our diverse faculty includes
business management teacher,

and former model agent
Maury Ballstein.

The designer's got
your nuts in a vice,

offering you ten million
plus three percent,

of every pair of underwear sold.

What are you gonna do?

Screw him! Hold out for more!

That's what I'm talking about!

So join now, because at the
Derek Zoolander Centre for Kids

Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn
to Do Other Stuff Good, Too,

we teach you that
there's more to life,

than just being really,
really, really good-looking.

- Right, kids?
- Right!

And cut!

- Looks great. I think we got it.
- All right, Mitch. Thanks.

- All right, everybody! That's a wrap!
- Hey, Hansel.

Hey, D-Rock, I'm gonna take these kids
over to the George Washington Bridge,

give them a little
lesson in base jumping.

I'll catch you in the
teacher's lounge later on?

All right.

All right, guys. Last one to the
helicopter's a rotten egg. Let's go!

Hey, Matilda!

- There's Daddy! Hi.
- Hey.

- How's Derek, Jr?
- He's great.

Guess what. He made
his first look today.

Really?

You wanna show Daddy
your look, Derek, Jr?

Wow.

- Wanna hang out for story hour?
- Great. Yeah. Let's go.

- Hey, who wants to hear a story?
- Yeah!