Zombies Vs. Strippers (2012) - full transcript
The Tough Titty is a strip club that's seen better days. Spider has been losing money on his business for years. Now it's finally getting the traffic he's always wanted... unfortunately, most of his patrons are undead.
[bat wings flapping]
[sludgy heavy metal music]
[energetic heavy metal music]
- Sure I'm runnin' out
of time here, Ralph,
but I'm not ready to
sell at that price.
I know, it ain't pretty,
but it's my place.
You know, my
business, my pleasure.
It's my Shangri-La,
you understand?
Well, hey, Ralph,
could you give me just,
just a couple more
days, to think it over?
Okay, all right,
yeah, I'll call you.
Thanks, buddy.
Cheapskate son of a bitch.
- [Voiceover] KNTZ.
- [Voiceover] Welcome back,
you're listening to KNTZ,
the nuts network.
- [Voiceover] Hallelujah!
- [Voiceover] Whoa, Los
Angeles, honk those horns,
'cause you're stuck
in horrendous traffic
this Friday evening.
[fake gun fire and screams]
What's the deal, Rattler?
- [Voiceover] I
don't know, Ryan.
People are rioting
in the streets,
going crazy, and the Lakers
aren't even playing tonight.
[rimshot]
You can see it downtown,
right outside the studio,
there are just a bunch
of loonies on the loose.
- [Voiceover] Well
lock your doors, LA,
roll up your windows,
and get ready to ride it out
with Ryan and the Rattler,
here on--
- [Voiceover] KNTZ!
The nuts network.
- Can't catch a fuckin' break!
- Hey! Spider!
Gimme some change so I can
come in and have a drink.
It's gonna be a bad
night out here, man.
- You stink like shit, Pete.
Now here, just take your
greasy hand off my jacket.
Go drown yourself
somewhere else.
- Show some love, man!
People so hungry, they
eatin' each other out here.
- Yeah well, they gotta
eat something, right?
- Well fuck you, Spider.
- Fuck you, too, Pete.
- You tell those pretty
little girls of yours,
I'll be out here waitin' for 'em
when you go out of business.
- Hey, how's it goin', boss?
- Keep a close eye on
the door tonight, Marv.
There's a lot of rats
crawlin' around out there.
I don't want them scaring
away the customers.
- Oh you got it, boss.
Hey, is it a good
time to talk about?
Are you busy?
You know, what I
brought up yesterday?
- You haven't seen
busloads of people
walkin' through that
door, have you, Marvin?
No people means no money.
No money means no raise,
so stop beggin' me!
Any lowlife squirm in, you
just pop 'em in the jaw,
turn 'em around, and
send 'em right back out,
you get a paycheck, huh?
You can handle that,
right, big fella?
- Whatever you say, boss.
- All right.
How'd we do on the early tip?
- Not too good, some
bum tried to sneak
in the back door, I caught him.
You know, he was pissin'
in the hallway, he's gone.
- Jesus Christ, Marvin, how
many times I gotta tell you,
that back door stays locked!
You got the balls to
ask me for a raise?
Jesus Christ.
- Hey, but I got it now, boss.
Weasel dick.
- What ya buildin' there, Bobby?
- My beach house,
pretty neat, right?
- Speakin' of need,
Bobby, pour me a whiskey.
Sugar Hills needs her medicine.
Listen, someone better
call the ambulance
'cause if I can't get a
rise out of these stiffs,
they ain't got no pulse.
- Put the bottle down, Bobby.
You're out-drinkin'
the customers, sweetie.
- Oh. Really? What customers?
- [laughs sarcastically]
You know the policy.
Sell some drinks,
get some drinks.
Those cats aren't liquored
up, they're asleep.
Now I want you to take that
beautiful ass of yours,
turn it back around,
march it over there,
and wake 'em up.
Light their jeans on fire.
Hey, tell you what.
You sell a dance, and I'll let
you put away a whole bottle,
how's that sound?
- Are you havin' a
rough day, Spider?
Maybe you should
have that drink, huh?
- I am havin' a rough day.
- Go 'head, pour it.
- Shirley Temple, Bobby!
Put the goddamn whiskey down.
I'll tell you what'd
make it a lot easier,
is if you would just
do me the simple favor
of not busting my
balls this evening.
- You know what, Spider?
When I'm feelin' blue and
nothin's goin' my way,
do you know what I do?
I take a deep breath,
and I ask myself,
[laughs] what would Hambo
Ranch Hand do? [laughs]
- You think you're pretty
damn funny, don't ya?
You think it's just hysterical
that a grown man
might actually admire
a so-called "children's
entertainer."
Well lemme tell you somethin',
Hambo is an American icon.
30 years on the tube,
and that man is at
the top of his game!
He's a perfect blend of
morality, pathos, and slapstick.
This man is the Buster
Keaton of our generation.
He is under-appreciated.
He's always putting his foot
down for the little guy,
but ahhhh.
Can't expect narrow
minds like you
to appreciate the
genius that is Hambo.
- You're sweet,
but you've got no
taste. [laughs]
- I hired you, didn't I?
[trance electronic music
stuck on same beat]
What the fuck is
up with this music?
- I don't know,
but I dig it, man.
Got a nice groove to it.
- I swear, I am gonna
fire that little stoner.
[music screeches off]
- Fuck!
Man, fuck, what the
fuck is with you, dude?
- Told ya before, Berny,
that shit'll lower
your sperm count.
- Man, that is
pure sativa, dude.
That shit was fuckin'
expensive, man.
What's the deal, dude?
I was just gonna take my five.
- Well take all the time you
want, 'cause you're fired.
- Gah, come on, Spider, dude,
I been spinnin' killer
sets all week, dude.
Tonight, too, man, look,
I brought Dick Dale,
Link Wray, the Atlantics,
dude, you love this stuff.
- Yeah, but you're
playin' that dirty vinyl
and it keeps skipping.
It positively murders
the vibe, Bern.
Forget it, I'm pluggin'
in the MP3 player.
- Fine, man, go the
way of the beast.
Hook up that machine that
pumps out shitty digital jams,
and throw the talent
out on the street.
That's cool.
- Hey, the talent
is on the stage.
And every time one of
those discs wigs out,
we stop making money.
The music never stops,
never skips, huh?
The tits keep shakin', the
mopes keep payin', all right?
Take your records and
clear on outta here.
I'll pay you out for the night.
- Dude, come on, Spider,
man, I love this gig.
Look, gimme another shot,
I'll put on somethin' real
sick for the next tease.
One more shot, hmm?
- Look, you got one
last shot, one, one!
And I catch you roastin' a
bone around my equipment again,
you're gone for good.
You're not gonna get me
in trouble with the cops.
- The cops?
When is the last time you saw
cops in this neighborhood?
- You're such a smartass.
- Look, Spider, I love you.
Because I love you, I'm
gonna put on something
real sick for the next girl.
Check it out.
- How's she been doin' anyway?
- You can see for yourself.
Gentlemen, cock your rifles
'cause it is huntin' season.
This little lost doe will
get your heart thumpin'
and your blood pumpin'.
Straight from the
enchanted forest,
let's give a warm Tough
Titty welcome for Bambi,
on the main stage.
[book thuds against the stage]
- Oops.
[wiry surf music]
- Uhhhhhhhh.
Ahhhhhhh.
- Well,it's a start.
- Uhhhhhhh.
- Look at that ass, man.
She's lost in the exotic beat,
deep under the spell
of my surf jam.
- Yeah, and they're
deep a-fucking-sleep.
Look at the bastards!
- I know. Heathens.
- It's the music, Bern.
Now I gotta deal
with these guys.
More oomph in the speakers, kid,
come on, crank it.
- What? Man.
[police siren wails]
- Marvin.
- It's a real bum
orgy out there, boss.
I haven't ever seen
so many of 'em.
- Spare me the social
commentary, big guy.
There's a couple bums in here
I need you to take a look at.
- Why, are they actin' up?
- They ain't actin' at all,
the cheap sons of bitches.
- I'm so sorry, Spider, I was
really using my imagination.
- They aren't interested
in that, sweetie.
What's goin' on?
Is it the music?
It's the music isn't it.
I swear I'm gonna fire that--
- No, no, no.
No, I was into it.
I guess they weren't.
- Shh shh shh, no, sweetheart,
you are perfect.
Here, you just uh.
- Uhhhhhhh.
- Take that, and you let
me deal with 'em, okay?
- Uhhahhhh.
- How we doin'
tonight, gentlemen?
- Ahhhhhhhh.
- Hey, look, fellas, I don't
know what kind of establishment
you think this is.
You're gonna buy some
drinks, tip my ladies,
or else mosey on.
[smacking and gurgling]
- I don't think they need
anymore drinks, boss.
- Get these fuckin' freaks
outta my bar, Marvin.
- Fuck, can somebody get a mop?
I think this one shit himself.
- You're the one who let
these animals in my bar.
Are you nuts?
- I mean, they looked a
little scuffed up, but
[Blood spurting]
they were beggin' to come
in here off the street.
They paid a lot
of dough up front.
- Get 'em out of here right now!
- Uhhhhh.
- I thought those
guys were all right.
- Hey, Jasmine.
- Hey, Daddy.
- That guy's not
bleedin' or biting is he?
- Doesn't that,
like, cost extra?
[police sirens wail]
- Troubled times, my friends.
The American dream
is stuck in the mud.
Move back to the countryside,
because the cities aren't safe.
Streets are filled with
little brats like these,
tiny criminals in training,
stinkin' up the boulevards
with their boo-hoos
and their [snorts] snotty noses.
Well, you know what Hambo
the Ranch Hand says,
the prison's are full,
there's no alternative,
eggs-ecute 'em, eggs-ecute
'em all. [laughs]
[Spider laughs]
[test tone beeps]
Come on.
- Violence in the streets.
Public health officials
have failed to respond
to questions regarding
this outbreak
of grisly attacks
across the city.
- Shovin' this crap
down my throat.
- The mayor's office
has issued a statement
advising all citizens
to remain indoors.
- Five grand in the whole
and they're tellin'
everyone to stay indoors.
We're officially in
the shitter, Hambo.
You're right, you always are,
they're all a
bunch of criminals.
A whole world of 'em.
- Hospitals around the
city are overwhelmed
by a steady influx of patients
with strange symptoms, such as
fever, dementia, and
extreme aggression.
- Uhhhhhhhh.
- Braains.
- Uhhhhhhhh.
- Stay out.
- Argggggggg.
- Uhhhhhhhh.
- You freaks can't
take a hint, can ya?
Yeah, you blew it.
- Brains.
- You're not comin' back in.
- Arahhhhauuh.
- You fuckin' psychos.
Spider! Spider! We got problems.
[metal grate slams against door]
- I'm through with
this town, Hambo.
Getting out while
the getting's good.
- [Voiceover] Working Kings.
- Get me Mr. Fiorentino.
- Who's calling?
- Spider down at
the Tough Titty.
Just checking if that
offer's still on the table.
- One moment please.
[clears throat]
- Hey.
- Get outta here,
I'm on the phone!
- Boss, this ain't gonna wait.
- Ralph! Yea, lemme
just call you back.
Well no, the deal's on.
- [Voiceover] Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'll sign the papers
tomorrow, okay,
buddy, yeah, okay.
This better be good.
Tell me what I'm
payin' ya for, Marvin?
- You don't get it,
Spider, they won't leave.
- You must've made quite
an impression, girl.
- Guess I'm gettin'
the hang of it.
- You've been a
natural from the start.
- A little too natural for
this line of work, come on.
- If they were this
interested in being here
when they were here,
they'd still be here.
I told you freaks to get--
- Uhhhhhhhhh.
[woman grunts]
- Come back here again,
I'll snap your dicks off,
you crazy fuckin' white boys.
Gonna drool on my
leather shoes, shit!
- Vanilla.
- Sorry I'm late.
The fuck y'all starin' at?
- You're supposed to protect
the girls from the patrons,
not the other way around.
[door clangs shut]
- Boss, I swear, I was
pushin' and pushin',
they just kept comin'.
It's a bad night.
- Yeah yeah, it's
always a bad night.
Which reminds me. [sighs]
Well, I'm glad you're all here.
Got an announcement to make.
- What, that you're
gonna take us all
to the tanning salon
like you promised?
- Oh, honey, you're
orange enough all ready.
- Hey, can we just suck
it up for a second?
This is important.
- Shut up, Sugar.
It's not orange,
it's terracotta,
and it, like, was
expensive, okay?
- Lay off her, Sugar.
She hasn't had a
lifetime of booze
and two dollar tug jobs to
sour her peach, like you.
- Come on, guys, peace.
- My sour peach is
bringin' in more money
than your late ass.
Here's a tip, Vanilla, you're
supposed to get the guys hard,
not beat 'em to a pulp.
[piercing whistle]
- Thank you, Bobby.
Jesus, this isn't gonna be easy.
Look, uh, this affects
everybody, myself included.
I just got off the
phone with a guy
who's been breathing down
my neck for a long time.
Now, you know business has
been really bad lately.
But it's never been good.
So, uh, I've made
the tough decision.
I sign the papers tomorrow.
It's over, i sold the Titty.
- I can't believe what
I'm hearin', Spider.
I mean, what kinda asshole's
gonna run this place?
- Nobody, this whole place'll be
a parking lot by
next week, Sugar.
- Guess I won't need
a fake tan anymore
since we're all gonna
be dancin' outside.
- Girl, what he means is
you just lost your job.
- Spider, you can't,
you can't do this.
I mean, I just started,
I need the money
to pay for veterinary school.
- Oh cheer up, honey,
those poor animals
are better off without you.
- Sugar, you are one icy bitch.
- I got every right!
I'm unemployed.
- Look, Bambi, if
you need anything,
a place to stay,
you know, whatever,
I got you covered.
- Come to think
of it, my ex-wife
has an aviary up
in Topanga Canyon,
might be able to get ya a job.
You like birds?
- This sucks!
- Yeah, I know it sucks.
But look around here, ladies,
no butts in the
seats means no cash.
We could close up tonight
and no one would even notice.
It's an embarrassment.
- You're givin' this
a shitty spin, Spider.
Are you sayin' these
girls are no good?
- No, no, no, no,
Sugar, no, heck no.
I mean, the Tough Titty has
the best titties in the city.
- Grade A. A plus.
- I fucked up.
This neighborhood's
gone to hell.
Nobody comes down here
anymore, they're afraid.
I mean there's rioting
out in the streets.
Have you turned on the news?
They're telling everybody
to stay indoors.
- Well it's chaos out there.
- The streets aren't safe,
but I figured we could
make the best of it.
You know?
So for old time's sake,
and if you wanna leave,
and you're pissed, I understand,
I won't try to stop you,
but I was just hopin'
that we could all
settle in, kiss
this place good bye.
No expense, let's
just fuckin' party!
- You asked for it, Spider.
I'm gonna drink this Titty dry.
- How the hell am I supposed
to meet girls
without a paycheck?
- Aw, bro, man, you aren't
gonna land any chicks now,
and you work in a strip club.
- That'd be against policy!
I'm a professional, Bern.
That used to mean somethin'.
- Well there's no
policy anymore, right?
- Jasmine!
That's the smartest thing
you've ever said to me.
Ah, you're so right,
and I'm still young.
I don't need 22
inch rims, I'm good.
I got some dough saved up.
I might be short a
job, but tonight,
I'm gonna be the
best damn customer
this place has ever seen.
How far will a
thousand bucks get me?
- Like, to the dry cleaners.
- I think you deserve a little
better than that, Marvin.
- Hey hey, I got a five spot.
- House wants some music.
Come on, Sugar, will
you dance with me?
- Not on your life, baby.
- To the eruption room, ladies,
we have all the
time in the world.
[rock music]
- It's fuckin'
anarchy out there!
- Whoa whoa whoa, we're closed
for the evening, sorry, guy.
- Private party, punk, you
couldn't afford the company.
- Is that right?
- Consider it a down payment
on a new pair of
crutches, street slime.
- Don't touch me, meat spit.
- Son of a.
- Whoa ho ho. Hold it!
This place has plenty of tits,
but where's the hospitality?
A bona fide paying
customer strolls
into the midst of this
tropical shithole,
and you try to turn
him right around?
Folks are nuttier than
the fucks outside.
- We got a dress code, buddy.
- Yeah, well I left
my pasties at home.
But I got 16 large burnin' a
hole in my pocket right now.
- Bullshit.
- True story!
So my band, Nancy
Reagan's Vagina,
just played down the street,
and we're tearin'
this place apart,
people start moshin',
shit got crazy,
dudes started biting
each other, oh man,
there was blood everywhere.
Total fuckin' chaos.
Security just beat
it on outta there.
So I dropped my guitar and
I made for the register.
Boozy motherfuckers
spent a fortune in there.
- Uh, we don't
accept dirty money.
- Shut the hell up, Marvin.
What can I do for you, kid?
- Look, I just need
a place to lay low,
and a phone to call my friends,
let 'em know I'm here.
I'll make it worth your
while, just trust me.
- Yeah, and why're
you bringin' this shit
to our doorstep, junior?
- I don't know, I saw
some foxy black chick
kickin' the shit outta
two dudes out front.
Made my dick hard. [laughs]
- Gimme some of that money,
and I'll show you what
hard really means.
- This night was supposed
to be about us, Spider.
This punk's gonna
puke on our party.
- Well, you know,
I could just take
my investments elsewhere.
- Nope, that won't be necessary.
You just, uh, you cool your jets
and, uh, feel free
to take advantage
of all of our
facilities, all right?
- Sugar'll show you to a phone
and get you settled in.
- I'll do a lot more than
that, Billy Idol. [laughs]
- All right, we're cookin.
Ladies, get ready to put
on the show of the century
for Mister, uh.
- Spike.
- Spike.
- First you fire us, then
you let that little poser
prance around here
like he owns the place.
Spider, this is supposed
to be my, our, night.
- Don't tell me how to run my
titty bar, shit for brains.
You wanna save your jobs, right?
Well let's take this little
chump for everything he's got.
Every buck, every cent.
16 grand!
I mean, half of that will
put us back in business!
- But that money's stolen, man.
- You said it before yourself,
the cops don't come
down here, we're golden.
- He's so dreamy.
- He's loaded.
- He's an asshole!
- Don't worry, Marvin,
we can still party.
- I got a grand
just for you, baby.
- Aww, you say, like,
the sweetest things.
- Look, we get this guy
loaded, show him a good time,
who knows how much
cash he'll toss us.
- Come on, Spider, man,
what are you smokin', dude?
He just said he robbed
the other place.
- Right, he tries
to pull any shit,
we'll rob him and toss his
ass out on the sidewalk.
- This is gettin'
real interesting.
- And what if he gets junk sick
and tries bitin' all of us?
- I know I'm taking a
chance, it's for your sake.
So, come on, you
know, crank the music.
Ladies, get ready to shake it.
We're back in business.
- All right, man.
But I'm gonna need some
chemical assistance, dude.
- Whatever it takes.
- Oh la la, you're
in for a real treat.
I hope you saved
room for dessert,
'cause here comes two scoops
of chocolate ice cream
that'll make your banana split.
Trust me, buddy, you'll wanna
put cream into this coffee.
Here she comes, Vanilla.
[surf music]
- Woo!
- Damn, boy, you pretty cocky.
You keep feedin' me that bread,
you might just get
your rocks off.
- I always do. [laughs]
[police sirens wail]
- Maaaaahhh.
[blood spatters]
[sloshing footsteps]
- Make it two, Bobby.
- Two Dark 'N' Stormys.
- Back off the wagon
again, eh, Spider?
Little stressed out?
- Am I crazy, Sugar?
Is this crazy?
- Mmmm, the whole
world's crazy, Spider.
You're just chasin'
this cat's money.
I mean, it seems
pretty sensible.
He's called the band,
they're on their way.
Who knows how much
loot they got?
- Yeah, but, but
what if Bern's right?
What if this punk and
his gutterball friends
try to rip us off?
Look at this guy.
- I don't think you have
to worry about that, baby.
He's on the second
fifth of whiskey,
and he doesn't seem to give
a damn about money. [laughs]
He seems like he's got
a lot of potential.
- Kids these days.
- Here ya go.
- We'll just fill his
brain with tits and booze
and [laughs] you can
empty his wallet.
- Yeah.
Even if we can't save the Titty,
you and me, maybe we could, uh,
take some cash, get
outta town for a while.
- We know you've been stickin'
your neck out for us, Spider.
I'll think about it.
[metal door rattles]
- Busy night.
- The hell is it?
Where's Marvin?
[metal door crashes]
Hey! Keep it down! Hey!
Look ya crackheads, big
cover tonight, okay?
Private events and
just get out before I,
get out, before I
have to throw ya out.
- Braaaaiiiiinsss.
- What?
Marvin!
Get your ass in here!
- I told you these
guys don't leave here.
- Mmmmgggghhh.
- Somebody get him, will ya?
- Oh my!
- I'm workin', you bastard.
Jesus Christ.
- Whiskey.
- Braaaiins.
[Sugar screams]
[Sugar screams]
[crunching bones and flesh]
[Marvin screams]
[Spider shouts]
- Fucking this,
he fuckin' bit me.
- Get these creeps out of here!
- He fuckin' bit me!
- Stop whinin'!
Bobby, get over here, we're
throwin' these bums out.
Get your own bum.
I hate this goddamn
neighborhood.
Freaks and greedy little punks.
We gotta call the
cops right now.
- Spider, I told you
somethin' was up.
My hand stings.
Stop it! Come on.
- Wooo, sex and violence,
you fuckin' weirdos
are all right.
- Oh my God, baby.
Are you okay?
- Fuckin' guy bit me.
- Bobby, get on
the horn, call 911.
This is insane.
- Whoa, whoa, man.
You call the pigs and
I'll split with the cash.
- Don't leave, Spike.
You just got here.
- Come on, Spider,
call the cops.
- Oh hell no, Spider,
don't rain on this parade.
This is my biggest
night all year.
- All right, think
about it, baby,
a little bump in the road
shouldn't stop anything.
I mean, we all need the money.
- Don't be such a pussy, man.
- All right! No cops.
- Come on, Spike, I wanna
show you the eruption room.
It's really trippy.
- Killer, 'cause
my drummer Rat's
on his way over with the crew,
and a vial full of lethal acid.
- Be careful of that stuff, man.
Hey! What do we have here?
Ha, far out, man.
- Punk asshole.
- Bern, get your butt
back to the booth.
Bobby, clean this shit up.
- Wow.
- Nobody else gets in here!
[door clangs shut]
- You fellas aren't
closed are ya?
- Actually we are,
it's a private event.
- Dang it, I just saw three
guys poundin' on the door.
Must be a heck of a party.
Sure I can't convince
you to let me join in?
- Cover's 300 bucks.
- [laughs] That's no problem.
Company in here's
certainly more charming
than it is out there.
There you are, my good man.
You may wanna have
that looked at.
- What brings you to this
side of town, big shot?
- You oughta see it.
They closed down the 405.
Somethin' crazy's goin' on.
So Richard here's cut off
from the ole ball-and-chain,
what a shame.
So I thought I'd make do
with some quick easy kicks.
- Oh, well we'll fix
you up real nice.
- Take real good care of ya.
[laughs] Whatcha drinkin'?
- Dirty martini.
And maybe I'll warm myself up
with a nice cup
of hot chocolate.
- Better watch it 'fore
you wanna put one of
these Jimmy Choos up yo' ass.
- Oh, baby, is that a promise?
- Come on, let's go.
- This is crazy.
What was I thinkin'?
Marvin, watch the door, I
gotta make a phone call.
- Spider, I really
don't feel good.
- Oh my God, Marvin,
baby, are you hurt?
- Of course I'm hurt!
Spider really fucked this up.
Gettin' bit, baby, let's just
get outta here, okay, come on.
- Let's switch up the flavor.
Jasmine.
- Oops.
- Get your spots right
down to the main stage.
- I'm sorry, Marvin. I gotta go.
- Wait.
My dance.
- Come on!
- Veterinary school, huh?
- [gasps] I love animals!
- All right, buddy,
loosen your necktie,
'cause it's about to get
real, real hot in here.
Voted Miss Teen Reno 2004,
make those bills fly for our
Silver State golden girl,
Jasmine.
- Hell yeah.
Shake.
[laughs greedily]
You want it, right?
Bring it here.
What a delightful, dirty
little bitch you are.
- Thank you, baby.
- Why don't you
freshen me up, grandma?
- Sure.
Creep.
- What I tell you
about touching me?
- [laughs] I know I might
seem pretty square to you,
pretty uptight, but
don't let it fool ya,
you big big booby Julie,
I got a wild side.
- Is that right?
- Yep, do you know what
they used to call me
in my frat days?
- Oh shit.
- That's right, Ramboner!
[fake gun blasts]
[laughs]
- No service.
Well maybe it's for the best.
We'll make a couple
grand tonight,
but what about the next night?
- Are you talkin' to
yourself again, Spider?
- I think I'm makin' a mistake.
Listen, I should've
closed out years ago.
I can't pass this deal up now.
- You're such an
asshole, Spider.
Are you selling the
place or aren't you?
Make up your goddamned mind!
- The world's gone haywire,
I can't think straight, Sugar.
- Don't say it.
- What would Hambo do?
- This isn't in
the fucking script!
Charlie! Get these!
Don't bite that! [screams]
- That can't be a good sign.
- What the hell's goin' on?
[Hambo screaming]
- This deadly virus is
spreading like wildfire.
As you can see, local
police have been unable
to restore order to
the parts of town
now roamed by what some
people are labeling
as the walking dead. [screams]
- Holy shit, is this a joke?
- Whole city's gone to shit.
Sugar, come on, baby,
let's just skip town,
right now, you and me.
- And leave the Titty?
And the girls? Spider.
[gun fires]
[gun fires]
- Get in there, boys!
[gun fires]
- Was that gun shots?
- Yeah, right there.
- Private event.
- Outta my way, worm stool.
Well, lookee here, boys.
The goddamn rapture
transpiring outside,
and we find ourselves
smack dab in the middle
of a tiki-themed titty bar.
I'll be.
- Beautiful in a
sense, in a way.
- Yes, Rudy, it 'tis.
We have sinned, boys,
and now the Lord, in
his infinite wisdom,
is seein' fit to it that we pay.
But not before he
buys us a drink!
And a lap dance!
- Hell yeah!
- Yeah.
- And now, to silence the source
of that infernal racket.
- Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell am I?
I'm the man who
just saved the day.
Red Wings is the name,
and this gentleman
to my left is Rudy,
and this, well,
this here is Goon.
- Hell yeah.
- And you, sir, I presume,
are the proprietor
of this here establishment.
- Yeah, I am,
and I advise you fellas to clear
out before I call the cops.
- The cops.
- [laughs] You hear that, boys?
Why this poor, unfortunate
cretin is oblivious
to the fact that we are
currently livin' in end times.
There are no cops, there
are no police, sir.
There are only demons
roamin' the streets,
hungry for the flesh of sinners.
And your obnoxious
music is attractin' them
from every crevice, crack,
and cranny in this here city.
So if you would
kindly turn it off?
We all might just survive.
- What the hell are
you talking about?
Marvin, you let these
assholes in my bar?
- We let ourselves in.
- All right, all right,
cut the music, Bern.
[music screeches off]
- We heard shooting.
- This night just keeps
gettin' better and better.
- Shit, man, I thought
I was just baked.
Are we getting robbed?
- Watch out, 'cause this
motherfucker is crazy.
- Why'd the music stop?
I'm not payin' out the ass
so my dick can go limp.
I demand to speak
to the management.
- New management, sir.
The Gravediggers are
officially assuming control
of this here saloon.
- Like hell you are!
[gun cocks]
- He's got a gun!
- No shit, honey.
- Not another inch, sir.
[gun fires]
- Everybody just take a
couple of deep breaths.
- So, it has come to this.
The proverbial Mexican standoff.
Here we are, boys, offerin'
our aid, comfort, and good will,
and what are met with?
Obstinate resistance.
I do declare,
we shall all be walkin'
dead by sunrise.
- What is this?
What's everyone goin'
on about a walking dead?
What the fuck is
happening out there?
- Livin' corpses, this city is
crawlin' with livin' corpses.
One bite, and you become a
new recruit for Satan's army.
- Shit, so, all the freaks
we've been encountering
this evening,
they're diseased or?
- Well how did it
spread so fast?
- Bitin', clawin', scratchin',
fluid transmission.
- Just like every STD
you ever had, Sugar.
- Biting?
Come on, baby, get up, Marvin.
Baby, let's go.
- Where do you tink you're
goin' to, sweet pea?
- To give him one
last lap dance.
It's the end of
the world, right?
[door slams]
- Aw shit!
- Fuckin' finally,
the band's here.
Man, you guys look wasted.
[zombies groan and growl]
[gun fires]
- You fuckin' crazy?
You just brained my bassist!
- You little perv!
Get back! All of ya, get back!
[gun fires]
- This is worse
than Al-da-mon, man.
- You ain't fuckin' in my house.
- Blaaaraaach.
- I'm out!
[Sugar screams]
- Get him, Bobby!
[fleshy grinding]
[zombies growl]
- Get the fuck
away from me, dude.
[Sugar grunts]
[fleshy, bloody thunks]
- Ain't gonna happen.
- Man, come on, man,
mellow out, dude.
Just hit it, it's cool.
[chomping]
[Bern screams]
Ow, dude, come on.
[surf music]
- Oh God! Oh shit!
I can't die in a
two-bit strip joint.
- You seemed pretty
damn happy to be here
a minute ago, Ramboner.
- It's gonna be all right, baby.
I'll make it all better.
- Fuckin' burns.
I burn.
Oh Jesus! Fuck!
- It's okay, baby,
everything's gonna be fine.
[Bambi screams]
- Get off her, man, she's mine.
You okay, baby?
- Spike, watch out!
- Oh hell yeah!
[Bambi screams]
[humans shout]
[zombies groan]
[gun fires]
[Sugar screams]
- Sorry, darlin'.
[gun fires]
I just don't date girls
with open lesions.
[Sugar screams]
[Spiders shouts]
- Spider.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Bobby's dead,
the thing just got
his fuckin' brains!
- Has anyone been bitten?
- I don't know.
- This dude right here.
- Aw, Goon.
Is it the truth?
- Hell yeah.
- I'll get the first aid
kit, in the dressing room.
[gun fires]
- That won't be necessary, miss.
Oh my dear boy, I
will miss him so.
- Oh, man, that was brutal.
- Are you outta your mind?
- Heathen morons,
did I not warn you?
Have I been wrong
about anything yet?
Where do you suppose these
accursed beasts come from?
Thin air?
They're you! They're me!
One single bite is all it takes!
- I just thought tonight
would be my night, you know?
Ole Marv finally gets his wagon.
Oh, you're so hot.
Look at me, I'm fallin' apart.
- We'll get you an
ambulance, baby.
- Ambulance! Nothin's comin'.
You heard that stuffy
nerd out there.
The highways are closed.
Nothing's comin' to help me,
and everything's fucked.
- Well, Spider will
think of something.
He always does.
- Screw Spider!
It's his fault
we're in this mess,
I told him somethin' was wrong.
how many times did I tell him?
So many times, and did
he listen to me, no!
And I work my ass off
and I never complain,
not once, and what
thanks do I get?
I get high speed super AIDS
from some whacked-out hobo.
I can't walk. [cries]
And I don't feel my junk.
- Jeez, well, I'm
no paramedic...
but, maybe,
there's something I can do
to bring the feeling back.
- Arrrggghhhh.
- Puncture the brains.
That seems to hold 'em down.
[bloody thunk]
- There's one more
hole in your head, son.
- Man, Puncture the
Brain would've been
a sweet-ass band name.
Too bad my music crew's fucked.
- We're all clear.
- Yeah, there's no monsters,
but there's guts
all over the place.
- Yeah there are.
- Spike!
- Oh, let's, uh, get you
cleaned up, babe, come on.
- No time for clean up, kiddies.
- Look, man, you been spittin'
all this religious junk,
well, we better get my girl
in some sensible clothing.
- That boy don't look it,
but that's a reasonably
responsible young man.
Hurry back, son.
- I think I have
something really sensible
in the dressing room.
- The rest of ya, hop to.
We're in the open till
we barricade those doors.
More could come at any
[heavy drumming music]
I thought that we had put
an end to that cacophony.
- Turn off the music, Bern!
Where the hell is
that goddamn pothead?
- Brains!
- Oh shit, man, look, Bryce,
you're high as a kite.
This is no time
to be tuning out.
- Spider, Spider,
he's one of them!
[gun fires]
[gun fires]
- I'm out!
- Goddamn worthless vinyl.
Shit! [screams incoherently]
- This is your brain
on drugs, motherfucker.
- Most ably done, miss.
- Girl's gotta know
how to work her heels.
- Does anyone else
wanna a drink?
- Now is not the time
for libation, lady.
Grab what you can!
We must barricade those doors.
- Oh no, I'm not
spendin' another minute
in this deathtrap, I
gotta get outta here,
I got a wife and kids in Encino.
- Oh so now you care
about your family.
- I'm with the suit.
I seen what you did
to Goon, Red Wings,
and I can't hang with a man
what kills his own road dog.
- This meth-head robot's right.
You people are nuts!
- Rudy, use your head, man.
I spared Goon a fate
worse than death.
- You popped him in the
head like a sick pup.
- Had I not, he would've
roamed the earth
as one of these
accursed hellions.
I delivered him unto
the bosom of the Lord!
- I don't know about
the bosom of the Lord,
but we're all safe
here in the Titty
as long as we stick together.
Now come on, folks, we
gotta build us a barricade.
- Do you think this
was fate, Spike?
- Yeah, whatever, maybe.
- Baby, I don't know
if it's just because
of the apocalypse or what,
but I'm really turned on.
- You're a freak,
just embrace it.
- Spike, if we make it out of
this alive, let's get hitched.
I mean, we're so good together.
We could support each other.
I just know you can change
the world with your music.
- Yeah, and you can take
care of all the dead people's
little doggies, too.
But you gotta start
with me first.
- I'm so lucky!
- Do you like that, baby?
- I can barely see.
I'm so stiff.
- That's right,
talk dirty to me.
- Wow, it's beautiful.
- Aw, Marvin, you're the
sweetest guy I ever danced for.
- Go in to the light, big guy.
I'm so close.
- It's okay, baby, you can come.
[Marvin wheezes]
Um, yeah.
- Last chance to stay,
boys, you understand that?
Once you dipshits leave,
we're boardin' it
up for good, right?
- I'll take my
chance with the road.
- Well, I guess you
can't deny a man that.
God speed, Rudy,
you stupid bastard.
- Cut the crap, let's bolt!
- Y'all fools know
you gonna die, right?
- You bitches will say anything
to keep a man in
this nest long enough
to bleed his wallet dry.
Well not tonight, sweetheart.
- Oh no, please stay.
- Sorry, saggy, but I'm
takin' my business elsewhere.
Let's do this, voice box.
- On the count of
three, let us out.
One, two, three.
[Rudy screams electronically]
[zombies growl]
- Oh.
I changed my mind, I was just
gettin' some fresh air's all.
Open the door!
Come on, you cocksuckers!
Open the door!
Have a heart!
[zombie growls]
- No time to mourn
the fools among us
while the razor's edge
upon which the living walk,
is still so very tenuous.
- That's some poetic shit.
How'd you get the
name Red Wings anyway?
- Well, my dear, in the
motorcycle community,
in which I am somethin'
of a member emeritus,
we reward one another for
our sexual accomplishments.
In my days as a sinner,
I was quite accomplished.
- Oh please spare
us the sex talk.
- You see, while
most men do not deign
to please a woman durin'
her monthly visitations--
- It means he's a bloodsucker.
- Damn, boy, you nasty!
- Indeed.
- Well let's not get distracted.
Keep pilin' it on.
- You really think
this junk'll hold 'em?
- Shit, it better.
- We could use a few
more hands on deck.
- Yeah, where the fuck is
Marvin, useless bastard.
I'm gonna go shout
him a new one.
- Spider, wait.
[metal door clangs]
[zombies growl]
- What if this whole thing was
some kind of reality pilot?
And Ashton Kutcher or
whatever bursts in?
We could totally be famous.
- Ahhhhhhhh.
- Yeah, wishful thinking.
- Uhhhhhh.
- It's just, like,
it's so sad to be
this pretty and not on TV.
What's wrong with the world?
- Ehhhhhhhhhhh.
- You're right,
it's totally unfair.
Oh my God, Marv, you're
such a good listener.
- Aggghhhhh.
- I can't believe
it took all this
for us to, like,
get close, you know?
I see you watching me while
I'm up on that pole, baby.
The way you hide your
eyes, it's so sweet.
- Uggghhhh.
- You know,
since this world is ending
in this really crazy
way, maybe I can go ahead
and ignore my third date rule.
- Uhhhhhhhhh.
- Ah, slow down there, cowboy.
First you have to say what
you like best about me.
- Brrraaaaainnnns.
- Marvin, that's like
the sweetest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
[Jasmine screams]
- That flimsy pile of
furniture is not gonna hold.
- Not a chance.
- It's gonna buy us some
time, but you're right,
we need to ditch the Titty.
- And risk the streets
out there at night?
You saw what happened
to those two.
- Then I am shit out of ideas.
- Look, I got a plan.
We reinforce the
barricade best we can,
wrangle everyone
together, gather supplies.
Soon as the sun is up, we
just head right up the--
- What?What? What? What?
- Backdoor, Marvin never
locked it, the useless bastard!
- Oh my God, you've
got to be kiddin' me.
- Grab the deadliest
weapon you can find.
- Deadliest weapon I can find,
this place is made of
fucking palm fronds!
- Are you serious?
- 151 proof.
- Gotta hand it to you, Sugar,
even in times of crisis,
you're fucking hilarious.
Let's roll.
[zombies squeal and groan]
What on earth is that?
- That's the dressing room.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, oh
- Fuck.
- Talk about wakin' the dead.
- That's not funny, Sugar.
Am I the only one who's aware
of the situation around here?
- It's not what it looks like.
- Hell yeah it is.
- Jesus, you two jackrabbits,
get your clothes on
and go help at the barricade.
Right fuckin' now!
Shit! Come on back this way.
[zombie growls]
Not you, too, Hambo.
- Ahhggghhhh.
- Kill it, kill it, kill it.
Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!
- I can't do it!
You really messed up
this time, shithead!
I told you to lock
that goddamned door!
Marvin?
You know what your problem is.
- Braaaaainnnns!
- Yeah you ain't got 'em.
- Open the goddamn door!
Open the fuckin' door!
Open the door, Spider!
Open the door!
[zombie growls]
- Looks that'd kill.
I admire that.
- Yeah, well I like man who
knows how to work his wood.
- [laughs] Touche, my sweet.
- Sorry we're late
for the party.
- Where the hell
have you two been?
We were startin' to worry.
- We were, um--
- If I'm not mistaken,
and I seldom am,
I do believe I detect
the pungent, earthy
aroma of young love.
- Aw hell no,
those ashy-skinned,
brain-eatin' crackheads
out there are tryin' to get in,
and y'all back
there gettin' it on?
I oughta whup
your ass.
- Now hold on, my dear.
It is not uncommon
during a crisis situation
for an individual to
become thoroughly aroused.
After all, should we
survive this cataclysm,
it will be our sacred
duty to repopulate
this once great republic.
- What the hell are
you talkin' about?
- I'm talkin about gettin it on,
as you so aptly put it.
- Spike and I are
doing our part.
- Fuck that, I'm wrappin' it.
- Red Wings, you get us
out of this mess alive,
and I will strip you
down, grease you up,
and bang you 76 ways to Sunday.
And tie your boots, too.
- And, and tie my boots?
Why, even I've never
heard of that one.
What's it mean?
- It means your
boots are untied.
- How charmingly observant.
- Watch out!
[Red Wings screams]
- You whore!
- Always tryin' to upstage me.
I know you always
wanted my Prada, bitch.
Well now you got it.
[blood squirting]
- You sure are on hell of
a woman, sugar britches.
- Damn straight.
- You know what you must do now.
Deliver me unto the
bosom of the Lord.
Yea, though I walk
through the valley
of the shadow of death--
[Vanilla grunts]
- See you in gangster's
paradise, baby.
- I was gettin' tired of
his religious crap anyway.
- Plug it, punk.
First decent man I
met in this place,
and I gotta bash
his head in, shit!
- This shit's fallin' apart.
- I'm so sorry, Vanilla.
- Save your sorrys, girl, we
gotta find Spider, come on!
[barricade crashes]
[zombie groans]
- Well what are we
gonna do now, Spider?
- I don't know,
shit, I don't know!
- Well think of something!
- What would Hambo do?
- He would eat you, Spider,
he would fucking eat you!
- Damn it, Sugar, you're right,
you've always been right.
I got shitty taste, nobody
goes for this tiki bullshit.
I've never even been to Hawaii,
I'm just a loser, baby,
I've let us all down.
But you know, I did
do one thing right.
the one thing in a million.
- What's that, baby?
- I hired you to dance here.
And I know that you
don't like me much...
but, Sugar, I,
I.
[door splinters open]
[Sugar screams]
[zombie smacks and growls]
[Sugar screams]
- Spider! No!
[Sugarscreams]
[lighter clicks]
Fuck you, Hambo.
[zombie squeals]
[Sugar screams]
- Sugar, you still you?
- You better believe it, baby.
- Where's Spider?
- He's dead, no time
for sob stories,
they're comin' in
through the backdoor.
[zombies growl]
- That shitty
barricade's wrecked, too.
- Well we're officially fucked.
- Not yet.
I've been a stripper
for a few years,
and, believe it or not,
I've learned a thing or two.
Stripper's golden
rule, doesn't matter
whether or not you
like the customer,
whether he's drunk, dead,
or reminds you of your dad,
you give him all you've got.
Look, girls, we got
a house packed full
of snarling assholes.
Let's knock their
fucking heads off!
- That shit was beautiful.
- Well, we need some music.
- Put this on, babe,
it's my single.
[zombies snarl]
- Braaains.
- Brains!
- Aw hell no, you are not
goin' all Thriller on my ass.
- Yeehee!
- Who's bad now, motherfucker?
I hate LA.
[Bambi screams]
- What kind of MP3
player is this?
[Bambi screams]
- Motherfucker!
[Bambi screams]
- Spike! Spike!
Spike, help! Spike!
[Bambi screams]
Spike! Spike, help! Spike!
[Bambi screams]
- Grab hold!
[zombies growl]
[hardcore music]
- I hope you dickwad
conformists like hardcore,
'cause we're Nancy
Reagan's Vagina,
and you are fucked!
[bloody sploosh]
- This is how my boy's
gonna handle these guys?
- I'm goin' climbin', dude.
- Spike!
Spike! Get off him!
- Don't look back,
girl, we gotta move.
- They killed him!
- We don't have time
to pick up the pieces.
Holy shit! Go, move!
- Braains.
- If you ain't tuickin' a
buck, you shit outta luck.
- Jesus, they're everywhere.
- Dead surrounding.
Look, if I'm a die tonight, I
wanna set the record straight.
Sugar, you ain't no sour peach,
you the baddest bitch in
this bar, always have been.
- Honey, you're not
gonna die tonight.
And this sour peach still has
one more dance left in her.
- There's too many of 'em.
- You guys go, I'll
distract the ugly bastards.
- Ain't no way through 'em.
Damn, girl, you good.
Come on, Bambi.
- We can't leave you here, too.
- Damn it, Bambi, quit
stealin' my thunder
and get the hell off the stage!
My mom always said this job
would be the death of me.
- Braaaains.
- But goddamn it
if it ain't fun.
- Damn, bitch's
G-string could be
in the stripper hall of fame.
Adios, Sugar, love ya, girl.
- Die, zombie motherfuckers!
[Bambi screams]
- Gimme that shoe.
[hardcore music]
- Red Wings.
- We just scored ourselves
a ride outta this town.
- Hurry, hurry, hurry.
- Damn, girl, you know
what you're doin'.
- Yeah, well, veterinary
school ain't cheap.
- Please! No!
[Sugar screams]
- Gimme the keys,
gimme the keys!
- Which one is it?
- I don't know, but
I got a feelin'.
[zombies growl]
- Braaains.
- Are you sure you know how
to ride one of these things?
- Girl, I've ridden
all kinds of things
that'll make your head spin.
Hold on.
[motorcycle rumbles]
There goes the neighborhood.
[surf music]
[sludgy heavy metal music]
[energetic heavy metal music]
- Sure I'm runnin' out
of time here, Ralph,
but I'm not ready to
sell at that price.
I know, it ain't pretty,
but it's my place.
You know, my
business, my pleasure.
It's my Shangri-La,
you understand?
Well, hey, Ralph,
could you give me just,
just a couple more
days, to think it over?
Okay, all right,
yeah, I'll call you.
Thanks, buddy.
Cheapskate son of a bitch.
- [Voiceover] KNTZ.
- [Voiceover] Welcome back,
you're listening to KNTZ,
the nuts network.
- [Voiceover] Hallelujah!
- [Voiceover] Whoa, Los
Angeles, honk those horns,
'cause you're stuck
in horrendous traffic
this Friday evening.
[fake gun fire and screams]
What's the deal, Rattler?
- [Voiceover] I
don't know, Ryan.
People are rioting
in the streets,
going crazy, and the Lakers
aren't even playing tonight.
[rimshot]
You can see it downtown,
right outside the studio,
there are just a bunch
of loonies on the loose.
- [Voiceover] Well
lock your doors, LA,
roll up your windows,
and get ready to ride it out
with Ryan and the Rattler,
here on--
- [Voiceover] KNTZ!
The nuts network.
- Can't catch a fuckin' break!
- Hey! Spider!
Gimme some change so I can
come in and have a drink.
It's gonna be a bad
night out here, man.
- You stink like shit, Pete.
Now here, just take your
greasy hand off my jacket.
Go drown yourself
somewhere else.
- Show some love, man!
People so hungry, they
eatin' each other out here.
- Yeah well, they gotta
eat something, right?
- Well fuck you, Spider.
- Fuck you, too, Pete.
- You tell those pretty
little girls of yours,
I'll be out here waitin' for 'em
when you go out of business.
- Hey, how's it goin', boss?
- Keep a close eye on
the door tonight, Marv.
There's a lot of rats
crawlin' around out there.
I don't want them scaring
away the customers.
- Oh you got it, boss.
Hey, is it a good
time to talk about?
Are you busy?
You know, what I
brought up yesterday?
- You haven't seen
busloads of people
walkin' through that
door, have you, Marvin?
No people means no money.
No money means no raise,
so stop beggin' me!
Any lowlife squirm in, you
just pop 'em in the jaw,
turn 'em around, and
send 'em right back out,
you get a paycheck, huh?
You can handle that,
right, big fella?
- Whatever you say, boss.
- All right.
How'd we do on the early tip?
- Not too good, some
bum tried to sneak
in the back door, I caught him.
You know, he was pissin'
in the hallway, he's gone.
- Jesus Christ, Marvin, how
many times I gotta tell you,
that back door stays locked!
You got the balls to
ask me for a raise?
Jesus Christ.
- Hey, but I got it now, boss.
Weasel dick.
- What ya buildin' there, Bobby?
- My beach house,
pretty neat, right?
- Speakin' of need,
Bobby, pour me a whiskey.
Sugar Hills needs her medicine.
Listen, someone better
call the ambulance
'cause if I can't get a
rise out of these stiffs,
they ain't got no pulse.
- Put the bottle down, Bobby.
You're out-drinkin'
the customers, sweetie.
- Oh. Really? What customers?
- [laughs sarcastically]
You know the policy.
Sell some drinks,
get some drinks.
Those cats aren't liquored
up, they're asleep.
Now I want you to take that
beautiful ass of yours,
turn it back around,
march it over there,
and wake 'em up.
Light their jeans on fire.
Hey, tell you what.
You sell a dance, and I'll let
you put away a whole bottle,
how's that sound?
- Are you havin' a
rough day, Spider?
Maybe you should
have that drink, huh?
- I am havin' a rough day.
- Go 'head, pour it.
- Shirley Temple, Bobby!
Put the goddamn whiskey down.
I'll tell you what'd
make it a lot easier,
is if you would just
do me the simple favor
of not busting my
balls this evening.
- You know what, Spider?
When I'm feelin' blue and
nothin's goin' my way,
do you know what I do?
I take a deep breath,
and I ask myself,
[laughs] what would Hambo
Ranch Hand do? [laughs]
- You think you're pretty
damn funny, don't ya?
You think it's just hysterical
that a grown man
might actually admire
a so-called "children's
entertainer."
Well lemme tell you somethin',
Hambo is an American icon.
30 years on the tube,
and that man is at
the top of his game!
He's a perfect blend of
morality, pathos, and slapstick.
This man is the Buster
Keaton of our generation.
He is under-appreciated.
He's always putting his foot
down for the little guy,
but ahhhh.
Can't expect narrow
minds like you
to appreciate the
genius that is Hambo.
- You're sweet,
but you've got no
taste. [laughs]
- I hired you, didn't I?
[trance electronic music
stuck on same beat]
What the fuck is
up with this music?
- I don't know,
but I dig it, man.
Got a nice groove to it.
- I swear, I am gonna
fire that little stoner.
[music screeches off]
- Fuck!
Man, fuck, what the
fuck is with you, dude?
- Told ya before, Berny,
that shit'll lower
your sperm count.
- Man, that is
pure sativa, dude.
That shit was fuckin'
expensive, man.
What's the deal, dude?
I was just gonna take my five.
- Well take all the time you
want, 'cause you're fired.
- Gah, come on, Spider, dude,
I been spinnin' killer
sets all week, dude.
Tonight, too, man, look,
I brought Dick Dale,
Link Wray, the Atlantics,
dude, you love this stuff.
- Yeah, but you're
playin' that dirty vinyl
and it keeps skipping.
It positively murders
the vibe, Bern.
Forget it, I'm pluggin'
in the MP3 player.
- Fine, man, go the
way of the beast.
Hook up that machine that
pumps out shitty digital jams,
and throw the talent
out on the street.
That's cool.
- Hey, the talent
is on the stage.
And every time one of
those discs wigs out,
we stop making money.
The music never stops,
never skips, huh?
The tits keep shakin', the
mopes keep payin', all right?
Take your records and
clear on outta here.
I'll pay you out for the night.
- Dude, come on, Spider,
man, I love this gig.
Look, gimme another shot,
I'll put on somethin' real
sick for the next tease.
One more shot, hmm?
- Look, you got one
last shot, one, one!
And I catch you roastin' a
bone around my equipment again,
you're gone for good.
You're not gonna get me
in trouble with the cops.
- The cops?
When is the last time you saw
cops in this neighborhood?
- You're such a smartass.
- Look, Spider, I love you.
Because I love you, I'm
gonna put on something
real sick for the next girl.
Check it out.
- How's she been doin' anyway?
- You can see for yourself.
Gentlemen, cock your rifles
'cause it is huntin' season.
This little lost doe will
get your heart thumpin'
and your blood pumpin'.
Straight from the
enchanted forest,
let's give a warm Tough
Titty welcome for Bambi,
on the main stage.
[book thuds against the stage]
- Oops.
[wiry surf music]
- Uhhhhhhhh.
Ahhhhhhh.
- Well,it's a start.
- Uhhhhhhh.
- Look at that ass, man.
She's lost in the exotic beat,
deep under the spell
of my surf jam.
- Yeah, and they're
deep a-fucking-sleep.
Look at the bastards!
- I know. Heathens.
- It's the music, Bern.
Now I gotta deal
with these guys.
More oomph in the speakers, kid,
come on, crank it.
- What? Man.
[police siren wails]
- Marvin.
- It's a real bum
orgy out there, boss.
I haven't ever seen
so many of 'em.
- Spare me the social
commentary, big guy.
There's a couple bums in here
I need you to take a look at.
- Why, are they actin' up?
- They ain't actin' at all,
the cheap sons of bitches.
- I'm so sorry, Spider, I was
really using my imagination.
- They aren't interested
in that, sweetie.
What's goin' on?
Is it the music?
It's the music isn't it.
I swear I'm gonna fire that--
- No, no, no.
No, I was into it.
I guess they weren't.
- Shh shh shh, no, sweetheart,
you are perfect.
Here, you just uh.
- Uhhhhhhh.
- Take that, and you let
me deal with 'em, okay?
- Uhhahhhh.
- How we doin'
tonight, gentlemen?
- Ahhhhhhhh.
- Hey, look, fellas, I don't
know what kind of establishment
you think this is.
You're gonna buy some
drinks, tip my ladies,
or else mosey on.
[smacking and gurgling]
- I don't think they need
anymore drinks, boss.
- Get these fuckin' freaks
outta my bar, Marvin.
- Fuck, can somebody get a mop?
I think this one shit himself.
- You're the one who let
these animals in my bar.
Are you nuts?
- I mean, they looked a
little scuffed up, but
[Blood spurting]
they were beggin' to come
in here off the street.
They paid a lot
of dough up front.
- Get 'em out of here right now!
- Uhhhhh.
- I thought those
guys were all right.
- Hey, Jasmine.
- Hey, Daddy.
- That guy's not
bleedin' or biting is he?
- Doesn't that,
like, cost extra?
[police sirens wail]
- Troubled times, my friends.
The American dream
is stuck in the mud.
Move back to the countryside,
because the cities aren't safe.
Streets are filled with
little brats like these,
tiny criminals in training,
stinkin' up the boulevards
with their boo-hoos
and their [snorts] snotty noses.
Well, you know what Hambo
the Ranch Hand says,
the prison's are full,
there's no alternative,
eggs-ecute 'em, eggs-ecute
'em all. [laughs]
[Spider laughs]
[test tone beeps]
Come on.
- Violence in the streets.
Public health officials
have failed to respond
to questions regarding
this outbreak
of grisly attacks
across the city.
- Shovin' this crap
down my throat.
- The mayor's office
has issued a statement
advising all citizens
to remain indoors.
- Five grand in the whole
and they're tellin'
everyone to stay indoors.
We're officially in
the shitter, Hambo.
You're right, you always are,
they're all a
bunch of criminals.
A whole world of 'em.
- Hospitals around the
city are overwhelmed
by a steady influx of patients
with strange symptoms, such as
fever, dementia, and
extreme aggression.
- Uhhhhhhhh.
- Braains.
- Uhhhhhhhh.
- Stay out.
- Argggggggg.
- Uhhhhhhhh.
- You freaks can't
take a hint, can ya?
Yeah, you blew it.
- Brains.
- You're not comin' back in.
- Arahhhhauuh.
- You fuckin' psychos.
Spider! Spider! We got problems.
[metal grate slams against door]
- I'm through with
this town, Hambo.
Getting out while
the getting's good.
- [Voiceover] Working Kings.
- Get me Mr. Fiorentino.
- Who's calling?
- Spider down at
the Tough Titty.
Just checking if that
offer's still on the table.
- One moment please.
[clears throat]
- Hey.
- Get outta here,
I'm on the phone!
- Boss, this ain't gonna wait.
- Ralph! Yea, lemme
just call you back.
Well no, the deal's on.
- [Voiceover] Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'll sign the papers
tomorrow, okay,
buddy, yeah, okay.
This better be good.
Tell me what I'm
payin' ya for, Marvin?
- You don't get it,
Spider, they won't leave.
- You must've made quite
an impression, girl.
- Guess I'm gettin'
the hang of it.
- You've been a
natural from the start.
- A little too natural for
this line of work, come on.
- If they were this
interested in being here
when they were here,
they'd still be here.
I told you freaks to get--
- Uhhhhhhhhh.
[woman grunts]
- Come back here again,
I'll snap your dicks off,
you crazy fuckin' white boys.
Gonna drool on my
leather shoes, shit!
- Vanilla.
- Sorry I'm late.
The fuck y'all starin' at?
- You're supposed to protect
the girls from the patrons,
not the other way around.
[door clangs shut]
- Boss, I swear, I was
pushin' and pushin',
they just kept comin'.
It's a bad night.
- Yeah yeah, it's
always a bad night.
Which reminds me. [sighs]
Well, I'm glad you're all here.
Got an announcement to make.
- What, that you're
gonna take us all
to the tanning salon
like you promised?
- Oh, honey, you're
orange enough all ready.
- Hey, can we just suck
it up for a second?
This is important.
- Shut up, Sugar.
It's not orange,
it's terracotta,
and it, like, was
expensive, okay?
- Lay off her, Sugar.
She hasn't had a
lifetime of booze
and two dollar tug jobs to
sour her peach, like you.
- Come on, guys, peace.
- My sour peach is
bringin' in more money
than your late ass.
Here's a tip, Vanilla, you're
supposed to get the guys hard,
not beat 'em to a pulp.
[piercing whistle]
- Thank you, Bobby.
Jesus, this isn't gonna be easy.
Look, uh, this affects
everybody, myself included.
I just got off the
phone with a guy
who's been breathing down
my neck for a long time.
Now, you know business has
been really bad lately.
But it's never been good.
So, uh, I've made
the tough decision.
I sign the papers tomorrow.
It's over, i sold the Titty.
- I can't believe what
I'm hearin', Spider.
I mean, what kinda asshole's
gonna run this place?
- Nobody, this whole place'll be
a parking lot by
next week, Sugar.
- Guess I won't need
a fake tan anymore
since we're all gonna
be dancin' outside.
- Girl, what he means is
you just lost your job.
- Spider, you can't,
you can't do this.
I mean, I just started,
I need the money
to pay for veterinary school.
- Oh cheer up, honey,
those poor animals
are better off without you.
- Sugar, you are one icy bitch.
- I got every right!
I'm unemployed.
- Look, Bambi, if
you need anything,
a place to stay,
you know, whatever,
I got you covered.
- Come to think
of it, my ex-wife
has an aviary up
in Topanga Canyon,
might be able to get ya a job.
You like birds?
- This sucks!
- Yeah, I know it sucks.
But look around here, ladies,
no butts in the
seats means no cash.
We could close up tonight
and no one would even notice.
It's an embarrassment.
- You're givin' this
a shitty spin, Spider.
Are you sayin' these
girls are no good?
- No, no, no, no,
Sugar, no, heck no.
I mean, the Tough Titty has
the best titties in the city.
- Grade A. A plus.
- I fucked up.
This neighborhood's
gone to hell.
Nobody comes down here
anymore, they're afraid.
I mean there's rioting
out in the streets.
Have you turned on the news?
They're telling everybody
to stay indoors.
- Well it's chaos out there.
- The streets aren't safe,
but I figured we could
make the best of it.
You know?
So for old time's sake,
and if you wanna leave,
and you're pissed, I understand,
I won't try to stop you,
but I was just hopin'
that we could all
settle in, kiss
this place good bye.
No expense, let's
just fuckin' party!
- You asked for it, Spider.
I'm gonna drink this Titty dry.
- How the hell am I supposed
to meet girls
without a paycheck?
- Aw, bro, man, you aren't
gonna land any chicks now,
and you work in a strip club.
- That'd be against policy!
I'm a professional, Bern.
That used to mean somethin'.
- Well there's no
policy anymore, right?
- Jasmine!
That's the smartest thing
you've ever said to me.
Ah, you're so right,
and I'm still young.
I don't need 22
inch rims, I'm good.
I got some dough saved up.
I might be short a
job, but tonight,
I'm gonna be the
best damn customer
this place has ever seen.
How far will a
thousand bucks get me?
- Like, to the dry cleaners.
- I think you deserve a little
better than that, Marvin.
- Hey hey, I got a five spot.
- House wants some music.
Come on, Sugar, will
you dance with me?
- Not on your life, baby.
- To the eruption room, ladies,
we have all the
time in the world.
[rock music]
- It's fuckin'
anarchy out there!
- Whoa whoa whoa, we're closed
for the evening, sorry, guy.
- Private party, punk, you
couldn't afford the company.
- Is that right?
- Consider it a down payment
on a new pair of
crutches, street slime.
- Don't touch me, meat spit.
- Son of a.
- Whoa ho ho. Hold it!
This place has plenty of tits,
but where's the hospitality?
A bona fide paying
customer strolls
into the midst of this
tropical shithole,
and you try to turn
him right around?
Folks are nuttier than
the fucks outside.
- We got a dress code, buddy.
- Yeah, well I left
my pasties at home.
But I got 16 large burnin' a
hole in my pocket right now.
- Bullshit.
- True story!
So my band, Nancy
Reagan's Vagina,
just played down the street,
and we're tearin'
this place apart,
people start moshin',
shit got crazy,
dudes started biting
each other, oh man,
there was blood everywhere.
Total fuckin' chaos.
Security just beat
it on outta there.
So I dropped my guitar and
I made for the register.
Boozy motherfuckers
spent a fortune in there.
- Uh, we don't
accept dirty money.
- Shut the hell up, Marvin.
What can I do for you, kid?
- Look, I just need
a place to lay low,
and a phone to call my friends,
let 'em know I'm here.
I'll make it worth your
while, just trust me.
- Yeah, and why're
you bringin' this shit
to our doorstep, junior?
- I don't know, I saw
some foxy black chick
kickin' the shit outta
two dudes out front.
Made my dick hard. [laughs]
- Gimme some of that money,
and I'll show you what
hard really means.
- This night was supposed
to be about us, Spider.
This punk's gonna
puke on our party.
- Well, you know,
I could just take
my investments elsewhere.
- Nope, that won't be necessary.
You just, uh, you cool your jets
and, uh, feel free
to take advantage
of all of our
facilities, all right?
- Sugar'll show you to a phone
and get you settled in.
- I'll do a lot more than
that, Billy Idol. [laughs]
- All right, we're cookin.
Ladies, get ready to put
on the show of the century
for Mister, uh.
- Spike.
- Spike.
- First you fire us, then
you let that little poser
prance around here
like he owns the place.
Spider, this is supposed
to be my, our, night.
- Don't tell me how to run my
titty bar, shit for brains.
You wanna save your jobs, right?
Well let's take this little
chump for everything he's got.
Every buck, every cent.
16 grand!
I mean, half of that will
put us back in business!
- But that money's stolen, man.
- You said it before yourself,
the cops don't come
down here, we're golden.
- He's so dreamy.
- He's loaded.
- He's an asshole!
- Don't worry, Marvin,
we can still party.
- I got a grand
just for you, baby.
- Aww, you say, like,
the sweetest things.
- Look, we get this guy
loaded, show him a good time,
who knows how much
cash he'll toss us.
- Come on, Spider, man,
what are you smokin', dude?
He just said he robbed
the other place.
- Right, he tries
to pull any shit,
we'll rob him and toss his
ass out on the sidewalk.
- This is gettin'
real interesting.
- And what if he gets junk sick
and tries bitin' all of us?
- I know I'm taking a
chance, it's for your sake.
So, come on, you
know, crank the music.
Ladies, get ready to shake it.
We're back in business.
- All right, man.
But I'm gonna need some
chemical assistance, dude.
- Whatever it takes.
- Oh la la, you're
in for a real treat.
I hope you saved
room for dessert,
'cause here comes two scoops
of chocolate ice cream
that'll make your banana split.
Trust me, buddy, you'll wanna
put cream into this coffee.
Here she comes, Vanilla.
[surf music]
- Woo!
- Damn, boy, you pretty cocky.
You keep feedin' me that bread,
you might just get
your rocks off.
- I always do. [laughs]
[police sirens wail]
- Maaaaahhh.
[blood spatters]
[sloshing footsteps]
- Make it two, Bobby.
- Two Dark 'N' Stormys.
- Back off the wagon
again, eh, Spider?
Little stressed out?
- Am I crazy, Sugar?
Is this crazy?
- Mmmm, the whole
world's crazy, Spider.
You're just chasin'
this cat's money.
I mean, it seems
pretty sensible.
He's called the band,
they're on their way.
Who knows how much
loot they got?
- Yeah, but, but
what if Bern's right?
What if this punk and
his gutterball friends
try to rip us off?
Look at this guy.
- I don't think you have
to worry about that, baby.
He's on the second
fifth of whiskey,
and he doesn't seem to give
a damn about money. [laughs]
He seems like he's got
a lot of potential.
- Kids these days.
- Here ya go.
- We'll just fill his
brain with tits and booze
and [laughs] you can
empty his wallet.
- Yeah.
Even if we can't save the Titty,
you and me, maybe we could, uh,
take some cash, get
outta town for a while.
- We know you've been stickin'
your neck out for us, Spider.
I'll think about it.
[metal door rattles]
- Busy night.
- The hell is it?
Where's Marvin?
[metal door crashes]
Hey! Keep it down! Hey!
Look ya crackheads, big
cover tonight, okay?
Private events and
just get out before I,
get out, before I
have to throw ya out.
- Braaaaiiiiinsss.
- What?
Marvin!
Get your ass in here!
- I told you these
guys don't leave here.
- Mmmmgggghhh.
- Somebody get him, will ya?
- Oh my!
- I'm workin', you bastard.
Jesus Christ.
- Whiskey.
- Braaaiins.
[Sugar screams]
[Sugar screams]
[crunching bones and flesh]
[Marvin screams]
[Spider shouts]
- Fucking this,
he fuckin' bit me.
- Get these creeps out of here!
- He fuckin' bit me!
- Stop whinin'!
Bobby, get over here, we're
throwin' these bums out.
Get your own bum.
I hate this goddamn
neighborhood.
Freaks and greedy little punks.
We gotta call the
cops right now.
- Spider, I told you
somethin' was up.
My hand stings.
Stop it! Come on.
- Wooo, sex and violence,
you fuckin' weirdos
are all right.
- Oh my God, baby.
Are you okay?
- Fuckin' guy bit me.
- Bobby, get on
the horn, call 911.
This is insane.
- Whoa, whoa, man.
You call the pigs and
I'll split with the cash.
- Don't leave, Spike.
You just got here.
- Come on, Spider,
call the cops.
- Oh hell no, Spider,
don't rain on this parade.
This is my biggest
night all year.
- All right, think
about it, baby,
a little bump in the road
shouldn't stop anything.
I mean, we all need the money.
- Don't be such a pussy, man.
- All right! No cops.
- Come on, Spike, I wanna
show you the eruption room.
It's really trippy.
- Killer, 'cause
my drummer Rat's
on his way over with the crew,
and a vial full of lethal acid.
- Be careful of that stuff, man.
Hey! What do we have here?
Ha, far out, man.
- Punk asshole.
- Bern, get your butt
back to the booth.
Bobby, clean this shit up.
- Wow.
- Nobody else gets in here!
[door clangs shut]
- You fellas aren't
closed are ya?
- Actually we are,
it's a private event.
- Dang it, I just saw three
guys poundin' on the door.
Must be a heck of a party.
Sure I can't convince
you to let me join in?
- Cover's 300 bucks.
- [laughs] That's no problem.
Company in here's
certainly more charming
than it is out there.
There you are, my good man.
You may wanna have
that looked at.
- What brings you to this
side of town, big shot?
- You oughta see it.
They closed down the 405.
Somethin' crazy's goin' on.
So Richard here's cut off
from the ole ball-and-chain,
what a shame.
So I thought I'd make do
with some quick easy kicks.
- Oh, well we'll fix
you up real nice.
- Take real good care of ya.
[laughs] Whatcha drinkin'?
- Dirty martini.
And maybe I'll warm myself up
with a nice cup
of hot chocolate.
- Better watch it 'fore
you wanna put one of
these Jimmy Choos up yo' ass.
- Oh, baby, is that a promise?
- Come on, let's go.
- This is crazy.
What was I thinkin'?
Marvin, watch the door, I
gotta make a phone call.
- Spider, I really
don't feel good.
- Oh my God, Marvin,
baby, are you hurt?
- Of course I'm hurt!
Spider really fucked this up.
Gettin' bit, baby, let's just
get outta here, okay, come on.
- Let's switch up the flavor.
Jasmine.
- Oops.
- Get your spots right
down to the main stage.
- I'm sorry, Marvin. I gotta go.
- Wait.
My dance.
- Come on!
- Veterinary school, huh?
- [gasps] I love animals!
- All right, buddy,
loosen your necktie,
'cause it's about to get
real, real hot in here.
Voted Miss Teen Reno 2004,
make those bills fly for our
Silver State golden girl,
Jasmine.
- Hell yeah.
Shake.
[laughs greedily]
You want it, right?
Bring it here.
What a delightful, dirty
little bitch you are.
- Thank you, baby.
- Why don't you
freshen me up, grandma?
- Sure.
Creep.
- What I tell you
about touching me?
- [laughs] I know I might
seem pretty square to you,
pretty uptight, but
don't let it fool ya,
you big big booby Julie,
I got a wild side.
- Is that right?
- Yep, do you know what
they used to call me
in my frat days?
- Oh shit.
- That's right, Ramboner!
[fake gun blasts]
[laughs]
- No service.
Well maybe it's for the best.
We'll make a couple
grand tonight,
but what about the next night?
- Are you talkin' to
yourself again, Spider?
- I think I'm makin' a mistake.
Listen, I should've
closed out years ago.
I can't pass this deal up now.
- You're such an
asshole, Spider.
Are you selling the
place or aren't you?
Make up your goddamned mind!
- The world's gone haywire,
I can't think straight, Sugar.
- Don't say it.
- What would Hambo do?
- This isn't in
the fucking script!
Charlie! Get these!
Don't bite that! [screams]
- That can't be a good sign.
- What the hell's goin' on?
[Hambo screaming]
- This deadly virus is
spreading like wildfire.
As you can see, local
police have been unable
to restore order to
the parts of town
now roamed by what some
people are labeling
as the walking dead. [screams]
- Holy shit, is this a joke?
- Whole city's gone to shit.
Sugar, come on, baby,
let's just skip town,
right now, you and me.
- And leave the Titty?
And the girls? Spider.
[gun fires]
[gun fires]
- Get in there, boys!
[gun fires]
- Was that gun shots?
- Yeah, right there.
- Private event.
- Outta my way, worm stool.
Well, lookee here, boys.
The goddamn rapture
transpiring outside,
and we find ourselves
smack dab in the middle
of a tiki-themed titty bar.
I'll be.
- Beautiful in a
sense, in a way.
- Yes, Rudy, it 'tis.
We have sinned, boys,
and now the Lord, in
his infinite wisdom,
is seein' fit to it that we pay.
But not before he
buys us a drink!
And a lap dance!
- Hell yeah!
- Yeah.
- And now, to silence the source
of that infernal racket.
- Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell am I?
I'm the man who
just saved the day.
Red Wings is the name,
and this gentleman
to my left is Rudy,
and this, well,
this here is Goon.
- Hell yeah.
- And you, sir, I presume,
are the proprietor
of this here establishment.
- Yeah, I am,
and I advise you fellas to clear
out before I call the cops.
- The cops.
- [laughs] You hear that, boys?
Why this poor, unfortunate
cretin is oblivious
to the fact that we are
currently livin' in end times.
There are no cops, there
are no police, sir.
There are only demons
roamin' the streets,
hungry for the flesh of sinners.
And your obnoxious
music is attractin' them
from every crevice, crack,
and cranny in this here city.
So if you would
kindly turn it off?
We all might just survive.
- What the hell are
you talking about?
Marvin, you let these
assholes in my bar?
- We let ourselves in.
- All right, all right,
cut the music, Bern.
[music screeches off]
- We heard shooting.
- This night just keeps
gettin' better and better.
- Shit, man, I thought
I was just baked.
Are we getting robbed?
- Watch out, 'cause this
motherfucker is crazy.
- Why'd the music stop?
I'm not payin' out the ass
so my dick can go limp.
I demand to speak
to the management.
- New management, sir.
The Gravediggers are
officially assuming control
of this here saloon.
- Like hell you are!
[gun cocks]
- He's got a gun!
- No shit, honey.
- Not another inch, sir.
[gun fires]
- Everybody just take a
couple of deep breaths.
- So, it has come to this.
The proverbial Mexican standoff.
Here we are, boys, offerin'
our aid, comfort, and good will,
and what are met with?
Obstinate resistance.
I do declare,
we shall all be walkin'
dead by sunrise.
- What is this?
What's everyone goin'
on about a walking dead?
What the fuck is
happening out there?
- Livin' corpses, this city is
crawlin' with livin' corpses.
One bite, and you become a
new recruit for Satan's army.
- Shit, so, all the freaks
we've been encountering
this evening,
they're diseased or?
- Well how did it
spread so fast?
- Bitin', clawin', scratchin',
fluid transmission.
- Just like every STD
you ever had, Sugar.
- Biting?
Come on, baby, get up, Marvin.
Baby, let's go.
- Where do you tink you're
goin' to, sweet pea?
- To give him one
last lap dance.
It's the end of
the world, right?
[door slams]
- Aw shit!
- Fuckin' finally,
the band's here.
Man, you guys look wasted.
[zombies groan and growl]
[gun fires]
- You fuckin' crazy?
You just brained my bassist!
- You little perv!
Get back! All of ya, get back!
[gun fires]
- This is worse
than Al-da-mon, man.
- You ain't fuckin' in my house.
- Blaaaraaach.
- I'm out!
[Sugar screams]
- Get him, Bobby!
[fleshy grinding]
[zombies growl]
- Get the fuck
away from me, dude.
[Sugar grunts]
[fleshy, bloody thunks]
- Ain't gonna happen.
- Man, come on, man,
mellow out, dude.
Just hit it, it's cool.
[chomping]
[Bern screams]
Ow, dude, come on.
[surf music]
- Oh God! Oh shit!
I can't die in a
two-bit strip joint.
- You seemed pretty
damn happy to be here
a minute ago, Ramboner.
- It's gonna be all right, baby.
I'll make it all better.
- Fuckin' burns.
I burn.
Oh Jesus! Fuck!
- It's okay, baby,
everything's gonna be fine.
[Bambi screams]
- Get off her, man, she's mine.
You okay, baby?
- Spike, watch out!
- Oh hell yeah!
[Bambi screams]
[humans shout]
[zombies groan]
[gun fires]
[Sugar screams]
- Sorry, darlin'.
[gun fires]
I just don't date girls
with open lesions.
[Sugar screams]
[Spiders shouts]
- Spider.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Bobby's dead,
the thing just got
his fuckin' brains!
- Has anyone been bitten?
- I don't know.
- This dude right here.
- Aw, Goon.
Is it the truth?
- Hell yeah.
- I'll get the first aid
kit, in the dressing room.
[gun fires]
- That won't be necessary, miss.
Oh my dear boy, I
will miss him so.
- Oh, man, that was brutal.
- Are you outta your mind?
- Heathen morons,
did I not warn you?
Have I been wrong
about anything yet?
Where do you suppose these
accursed beasts come from?
Thin air?
They're you! They're me!
One single bite is all it takes!
- I just thought tonight
would be my night, you know?
Ole Marv finally gets his wagon.
Oh, you're so hot.
Look at me, I'm fallin' apart.
- We'll get you an
ambulance, baby.
- Ambulance! Nothin's comin'.
You heard that stuffy
nerd out there.
The highways are closed.
Nothing's comin' to help me,
and everything's fucked.
- Well, Spider will
think of something.
He always does.
- Screw Spider!
It's his fault
we're in this mess,
I told him somethin' was wrong.
how many times did I tell him?
So many times, and did
he listen to me, no!
And I work my ass off
and I never complain,
not once, and what
thanks do I get?
I get high speed super AIDS
from some whacked-out hobo.
I can't walk. [cries]
And I don't feel my junk.
- Jeez, well, I'm
no paramedic...
but, maybe,
there's something I can do
to bring the feeling back.
- Arrrggghhhh.
- Puncture the brains.
That seems to hold 'em down.
[bloody thunk]
- There's one more
hole in your head, son.
- Man, Puncture the
Brain would've been
a sweet-ass band name.
Too bad my music crew's fucked.
- We're all clear.
- Yeah, there's no monsters,
but there's guts
all over the place.
- Yeah there are.
- Spike!
- Oh, let's, uh, get you
cleaned up, babe, come on.
- No time for clean up, kiddies.
- Look, man, you been spittin'
all this religious junk,
well, we better get my girl
in some sensible clothing.
- That boy don't look it,
but that's a reasonably
responsible young man.
Hurry back, son.
- I think I have
something really sensible
in the dressing room.
- The rest of ya, hop to.
We're in the open till
we barricade those doors.
More could come at any
[heavy drumming music]
I thought that we had put
an end to that cacophony.
- Turn off the music, Bern!
Where the hell is
that goddamn pothead?
- Brains!
- Oh shit, man, look, Bryce,
you're high as a kite.
This is no time
to be tuning out.
- Spider, Spider,
he's one of them!
[gun fires]
[gun fires]
- I'm out!
- Goddamn worthless vinyl.
Shit! [screams incoherently]
- This is your brain
on drugs, motherfucker.
- Most ably done, miss.
- Girl's gotta know
how to work her heels.
- Does anyone else
wanna a drink?
- Now is not the time
for libation, lady.
Grab what you can!
We must barricade those doors.
- Oh no, I'm not
spendin' another minute
in this deathtrap, I
gotta get outta here,
I got a wife and kids in Encino.
- Oh so now you care
about your family.
- I'm with the suit.
I seen what you did
to Goon, Red Wings,
and I can't hang with a man
what kills his own road dog.
- This meth-head robot's right.
You people are nuts!
- Rudy, use your head, man.
I spared Goon a fate
worse than death.
- You popped him in the
head like a sick pup.
- Had I not, he would've
roamed the earth
as one of these
accursed hellions.
I delivered him unto
the bosom of the Lord!
- I don't know about
the bosom of the Lord,
but we're all safe
here in the Titty
as long as we stick together.
Now come on, folks, we
gotta build us a barricade.
- Do you think this
was fate, Spike?
- Yeah, whatever, maybe.
- Baby, I don't know
if it's just because
of the apocalypse or what,
but I'm really turned on.
- You're a freak,
just embrace it.
- Spike, if we make it out of
this alive, let's get hitched.
I mean, we're so good together.
We could support each other.
I just know you can change
the world with your music.
- Yeah, and you can take
care of all the dead people's
little doggies, too.
But you gotta start
with me first.
- I'm so lucky!
- Do you like that, baby?
- I can barely see.
I'm so stiff.
- That's right,
talk dirty to me.
- Wow, it's beautiful.
- Aw, Marvin, you're the
sweetest guy I ever danced for.
- Go in to the light, big guy.
I'm so close.
- It's okay, baby, you can come.
[Marvin wheezes]
Um, yeah.
- Last chance to stay,
boys, you understand that?
Once you dipshits leave,
we're boardin' it
up for good, right?
- I'll take my
chance with the road.
- Well, I guess you
can't deny a man that.
God speed, Rudy,
you stupid bastard.
- Cut the crap, let's bolt!
- Y'all fools know
you gonna die, right?
- You bitches will say anything
to keep a man in
this nest long enough
to bleed his wallet dry.
Well not tonight, sweetheart.
- Oh no, please stay.
- Sorry, saggy, but I'm
takin' my business elsewhere.
Let's do this, voice box.
- On the count of
three, let us out.
One, two, three.
[Rudy screams electronically]
[zombies growl]
- Oh.
I changed my mind, I was just
gettin' some fresh air's all.
Open the door!
Come on, you cocksuckers!
Open the door!
Have a heart!
[zombie growls]
- No time to mourn
the fools among us
while the razor's edge
upon which the living walk,
is still so very tenuous.
- That's some poetic shit.
How'd you get the
name Red Wings anyway?
- Well, my dear, in the
motorcycle community,
in which I am somethin'
of a member emeritus,
we reward one another for
our sexual accomplishments.
In my days as a sinner,
I was quite accomplished.
- Oh please spare
us the sex talk.
- You see, while
most men do not deign
to please a woman durin'
her monthly visitations--
- It means he's a bloodsucker.
- Damn, boy, you nasty!
- Indeed.
- Well let's not get distracted.
Keep pilin' it on.
- You really think
this junk'll hold 'em?
- Shit, it better.
- We could use a few
more hands on deck.
- Yeah, where the fuck is
Marvin, useless bastard.
I'm gonna go shout
him a new one.
- Spider, wait.
[metal door clangs]
[zombies growl]
- What if this whole thing was
some kind of reality pilot?
And Ashton Kutcher or
whatever bursts in?
We could totally be famous.
- Ahhhhhhhh.
- Yeah, wishful thinking.
- Uhhhhhh.
- It's just, like,
it's so sad to be
this pretty and not on TV.
What's wrong with the world?
- Ehhhhhhhhhhh.
- You're right,
it's totally unfair.
Oh my God, Marv, you're
such a good listener.
- Aggghhhhh.
- I can't believe
it took all this
for us to, like,
get close, you know?
I see you watching me while
I'm up on that pole, baby.
The way you hide your
eyes, it's so sweet.
- Uggghhhh.
- You know,
since this world is ending
in this really crazy
way, maybe I can go ahead
and ignore my third date rule.
- Uhhhhhhhhh.
- Ah, slow down there, cowboy.
First you have to say what
you like best about me.
- Brrraaaaainnnns.
- Marvin, that's like
the sweetest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
[Jasmine screams]
- That flimsy pile of
furniture is not gonna hold.
- Not a chance.
- It's gonna buy us some
time, but you're right,
we need to ditch the Titty.
- And risk the streets
out there at night?
You saw what happened
to those two.
- Then I am shit out of ideas.
- Look, I got a plan.
We reinforce the
barricade best we can,
wrangle everyone
together, gather supplies.
Soon as the sun is up, we
just head right up the--
- What?What? What? What?
- Backdoor, Marvin never
locked it, the useless bastard!
- Oh my God, you've
got to be kiddin' me.
- Grab the deadliest
weapon you can find.
- Deadliest weapon I can find,
this place is made of
fucking palm fronds!
- Are you serious?
- 151 proof.
- Gotta hand it to you, Sugar,
even in times of crisis,
you're fucking hilarious.
Let's roll.
[zombies squeal and groan]
What on earth is that?
- That's the dressing room.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, oh
- Fuck.
- Talk about wakin' the dead.
- That's not funny, Sugar.
Am I the only one who's aware
of the situation around here?
- It's not what it looks like.
- Hell yeah it is.
- Jesus, you two jackrabbits,
get your clothes on
and go help at the barricade.
Right fuckin' now!
Shit! Come on back this way.
[zombie growls]
Not you, too, Hambo.
- Ahhggghhhh.
- Kill it, kill it, kill it.
Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!
- I can't do it!
You really messed up
this time, shithead!
I told you to lock
that goddamned door!
Marvin?
You know what your problem is.
- Braaaaainnnns!
- Yeah you ain't got 'em.
- Open the goddamn door!
Open the fuckin' door!
Open the door, Spider!
Open the door!
[zombie growls]
- Looks that'd kill.
I admire that.
- Yeah, well I like man who
knows how to work his wood.
- [laughs] Touche, my sweet.
- Sorry we're late
for the party.
- Where the hell
have you two been?
We were startin' to worry.
- We were, um--
- If I'm not mistaken,
and I seldom am,
I do believe I detect
the pungent, earthy
aroma of young love.
- Aw hell no,
those ashy-skinned,
brain-eatin' crackheads
out there are tryin' to get in,
and y'all back
there gettin' it on?
I oughta whup
your ass.
- Now hold on, my dear.
It is not uncommon
during a crisis situation
for an individual to
become thoroughly aroused.
After all, should we
survive this cataclysm,
it will be our sacred
duty to repopulate
this once great republic.
- What the hell are
you talkin' about?
- I'm talkin about gettin it on,
as you so aptly put it.
- Spike and I are
doing our part.
- Fuck that, I'm wrappin' it.
- Red Wings, you get us
out of this mess alive,
and I will strip you
down, grease you up,
and bang you 76 ways to Sunday.
And tie your boots, too.
- And, and tie my boots?
Why, even I've never
heard of that one.
What's it mean?
- It means your
boots are untied.
- How charmingly observant.
- Watch out!
[Red Wings screams]
- You whore!
- Always tryin' to upstage me.
I know you always
wanted my Prada, bitch.
Well now you got it.
[blood squirting]
- You sure are on hell of
a woman, sugar britches.
- Damn straight.
- You know what you must do now.
Deliver me unto the
bosom of the Lord.
Yea, though I walk
through the valley
of the shadow of death--
[Vanilla grunts]
- See you in gangster's
paradise, baby.
- I was gettin' tired of
his religious crap anyway.
- Plug it, punk.
First decent man I
met in this place,
and I gotta bash
his head in, shit!
- This shit's fallin' apart.
- I'm so sorry, Vanilla.
- Save your sorrys, girl, we
gotta find Spider, come on!
[barricade crashes]
[zombie groans]
- Well what are we
gonna do now, Spider?
- I don't know,
shit, I don't know!
- Well think of something!
- What would Hambo do?
- He would eat you, Spider,
he would fucking eat you!
- Damn it, Sugar, you're right,
you've always been right.
I got shitty taste, nobody
goes for this tiki bullshit.
I've never even been to Hawaii,
I'm just a loser, baby,
I've let us all down.
But you know, I did
do one thing right.
the one thing in a million.
- What's that, baby?
- I hired you to dance here.
And I know that you
don't like me much...
but, Sugar, I,
I.
[door splinters open]
[Sugar screams]
[zombie smacks and growls]
[Sugar screams]
- Spider! No!
[Sugarscreams]
[lighter clicks]
Fuck you, Hambo.
[zombie squeals]
[Sugar screams]
- Sugar, you still you?
- You better believe it, baby.
- Where's Spider?
- He's dead, no time
for sob stories,
they're comin' in
through the backdoor.
[zombies growl]
- That shitty
barricade's wrecked, too.
- Well we're officially fucked.
- Not yet.
I've been a stripper
for a few years,
and, believe it or not,
I've learned a thing or two.
Stripper's golden
rule, doesn't matter
whether or not you
like the customer,
whether he's drunk, dead,
or reminds you of your dad,
you give him all you've got.
Look, girls, we got
a house packed full
of snarling assholes.
Let's knock their
fucking heads off!
- That shit was beautiful.
- Well, we need some music.
- Put this on, babe,
it's my single.
[zombies snarl]
- Braaains.
- Brains!
- Aw hell no, you are not
goin' all Thriller on my ass.
- Yeehee!
- Who's bad now, motherfucker?
I hate LA.
[Bambi screams]
- What kind of MP3
player is this?
[Bambi screams]
- Motherfucker!
[Bambi screams]
- Spike! Spike!
Spike, help! Spike!
[Bambi screams]
Spike! Spike, help! Spike!
[Bambi screams]
- Grab hold!
[zombies growl]
[hardcore music]
- I hope you dickwad
conformists like hardcore,
'cause we're Nancy
Reagan's Vagina,
and you are fucked!
[bloody sploosh]
- This is how my boy's
gonna handle these guys?
- I'm goin' climbin', dude.
- Spike!
Spike! Get off him!
- Don't look back,
girl, we gotta move.
- They killed him!
- We don't have time
to pick up the pieces.
Holy shit! Go, move!
- Braains.
- If you ain't tuickin' a
buck, you shit outta luck.
- Jesus, they're everywhere.
- Dead surrounding.
Look, if I'm a die tonight, I
wanna set the record straight.
Sugar, you ain't no sour peach,
you the baddest bitch in
this bar, always have been.
- Honey, you're not
gonna die tonight.
And this sour peach still has
one more dance left in her.
- There's too many of 'em.
- You guys go, I'll
distract the ugly bastards.
- Ain't no way through 'em.
Damn, girl, you good.
Come on, Bambi.
- We can't leave you here, too.
- Damn it, Bambi, quit
stealin' my thunder
and get the hell off the stage!
My mom always said this job
would be the death of me.
- Braaaains.
- But goddamn it
if it ain't fun.
- Damn, bitch's
G-string could be
in the stripper hall of fame.
Adios, Sugar, love ya, girl.
- Die, zombie motherfuckers!
[Bambi screams]
- Gimme that shoe.
[hardcore music]
- Red Wings.
- We just scored ourselves
a ride outta this town.
- Hurry, hurry, hurry.
- Damn, girl, you know
what you're doin'.
- Yeah, well, veterinary
school ain't cheap.
- Please! No!
[Sugar screams]
- Gimme the keys,
gimme the keys!
- Which one is it?
- I don't know, but
I got a feelin'.
[zombies growl]
- Braaains.
- Are you sure you know how
to ride one of these things?
- Girl, I've ridden
all kinds of things
that'll make your head spin.
Hold on.
[motorcycle rumbles]
There goes the neighborhood.
[surf music]