Zombiechrist (2010) - full transcript

Calling on my day off.

So it's halfway unofficial.

You told me to get in touch with you
if any of the people on your list

wound up dead.

And did you by any chance
find bread and wine at the scene?

Yeah.

You know I wouldn't be able to tell you
unless you hadn't brought it up first.

Anyway, I'm gonna have to ask you
to fly out to New Jersey

Detective, you know I'm not a suspect.

I'm not even in your country,
let alone at the crime scene.

Yeah, but you know things
about the killings.



If you conspire to commit murder

you're gonna get the death penalty just like
the person who actually did the killings.

But you said there were no injuries,
that she died of natural causes.

Yeah, but forensics might change that story.

The only DNA you're going
to find is from grapevines

that are 2,000 years old.

Just come in for an interview.

I don't think you did it, but you're
the only one that can shed light at this time.

If any  of the information
I've given you gets documented

then I'll be locked up in a mental institution

and I will be able to help no one.

Okay, then just come and give us
the facts that don't sound crazy.

I already told you what you needed to know.

Go through the list of potential victims



contact the police and authorities
in their various regions

and assign people to protect them.

You know the only way law enforcement
can devote that kind of  manpower

is if you give us more information.

I thank you detective
for getting in touch with me.

I was a fool to think
the police would do anything.

I will have to make contact
with the guardians

and have them sent out if they
have not already been dispatched.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm on this call

but I am not the only one who has
knowledge of these special events.

Let me pass, brother.

I can't believe you
call yourself a protector.

Looks can be deceiving.

You're not protecting
anybody today, protector.

I know I don't have any power
to stop the zombie.

So we don't have to fight.

Oh yes I do,
the Warriors' Code demands it.

You are not a warrior,
you're an assassin.

Same difference.

Look I don't care if you're embarrassed
by the way I'm dressed.

I could go to church
wearing anything that I want to.

Don't think you're better than me
because you wear expensive clothes.

Whatever.

Look, I gotta go,
somebody's knocking on the door.

Holy shit!

Yes, that is what I seek.

Did you receive Holy Communion today?

Yes.. I did.

I've been wounded and the only way
to heal is to extract the sacred meal

from your bowels.

Are you really Jesus?

As your humble servant
I will do whatever you ask.

Take off thy clothes.

Turn thyself around.

Yes.

Get thyself down on all fours.

Spread up thy buttocks.

Ah, yes.

Turned thyself around to face me
but maintain that position.

The Lord giveth and Lord taketh.

I will remember you
when I come into my tingle.

Can you make it not hurt
so much while you're..

digging around in my intestines?

We all have our crosses to bear.

Are you sure that's gonna be enough?

I only have one wafer.

Did you not hear the story of when
I multiplied the loaves of bread?

You just..

make sure you
multiply it outside of my ass.

It is finished.

This is my body which
has been shed for you.

I shall place this on my wound

and restore the flesh
that was ripped from me.

Holy shit!

This is a crime scene.

Shit.

I should've known I wasn't
gonna get a signal out here.

But I have to tell the police
I found a rape victim!

Okay.

It's alright.

You poor woman, I'm so sorry.

But before I go..

I have to memorize some of the details

because that way, in case someone else
comes along and contaminates the evidence

I'll have something useful
to tell the police.

Wonder if this is worth something.

Bitch!

You crushed my ankle!

Let go!

Is this what you want?

You want this back?

Tough shit!

I'm gonna sell it and use it
to pay for my medical expenses!

Well?

Well what?

Aren't you gonna eat me out?

I thought you were gonna blow me first.

I just did a fucking strip-tease for you!

Oh okay, well..

Go get yourself a garter belt so at least it
looks like you put a little bit of effort into it.

Uh..

Babe!

There's a skeleton in the closet.

Are you trying to be funny?

I don't have to try to be funny.

I am funny.

I'm gay.

Are you trying to be funny?

"I don't have to try to be funny,
I am funny."

Uh..

Babe, the skeleton came out of the closet.

Well then tell him
to find you some lingerie.

Better yet: tell him to eat you out.

I can't believe what I just saw.

Then you shall no longer see
what you disbelieve.

I know you're not going to believe this.
but I'm just here to protect you.

I really am sorry about the gag.

Like I told you,
I'm just here to protect you.

I need you to sit and listen
while I explain things to you.

If you weren't tied up

I'm sure that you would run away from me
when you hear what I have to say.

There are forces

vying for control.

When the new age comes in 2012

it's not the end of the world.

It's a transition.

And you're of a bloodline
that can win the battle.

But these forces...

these enemies are haunting you.

I can't fight them off.

I know I may not look it,
but I'm just a scholar.

But I can't hide you.

I know

that part of the story
may seem crazy, but..

The part that comes now

is even nuttier.

Are you ready?

The druids have raised someone
from the dead.

And he walks the earth

killing everyone of your bloodline.

He can't

be dissuaded from his course.

He was brought to life or

reanim-.. or animated!

Until he destroys every one
of his descendants.

You may have heard of the zombie
when it was a man.

Those who don't know the
story call him Yeshu or..

Jesus.

I thought you'd be more shocked,
you seem very calm.

Are you really calm?

Really?

Thank you.

My pleasure.

You were telling me that
Jesus Christ is a zombie.

Do I have that right?

Zombie is a long dead corpse of a man

whom most people associate
with the myth of Jesus.

But the gospels are mostly false.

They were compiled from a bunch of
poorly written and rewritten manuscripts

under the supervision of a Roman emperor.

That's why there's
no anti-Roman sentiment in the stories.

Pontius Pilate was portrayed
as a fair and nice arbitrator.

In real life he was brutal and..
insensitive to the jews.

He would've never catered to the mob.

The basis of the story

was that there was a custom
to release a prisoner over passover.

There never was such a custom!

Thanks for the history lesson,

but it really doesn't matter to me
what Jesus was or wasn't.

You're telling me that these days
he's a zombie.

And he's coming after me, right?

Uh.. to put it simply, yes.

Okay.

Will you let me say something
to test if you're delusional?

Surely.

I'm hoping, if you're suffering
from a delusion,

that giving evidence the contrary
will snap you out of it.

Now, if I give you evidence
against your belief

do you promise
to call an ambulance on yourself?

I think I can give you that assurance.

Okay.

So if I present an argument, and you find
some really big stretch to make it work

you still have to call an ambulance and let
the EMTs decide what should happen next.

Yes.

Okay.

The stories about vampires,
and werewolves, and zombies

are all mathematically impossible.

If a zombie bites a human,
who then turns into a zombie.

And that zombie bites another person,
who also turns into a zombie.

And so on and so forth.

Then the number of zombies
would grow exponentially.

And very fast I might add.

And quite soon there would be
no unaffected humans left.

Which would terminate the food source.

And all would perish.

I understand that zombies
are sometimes a symbol for plague.

But all plagues die out eventually,
and humans win.

I think you'll agree
that I've listened patiently.

And I agree with what you say about

creatures contaminating humanity
and mathematical probabilities.

But..

those are stories.

Not real events.

The zombie the haunts you
does not eat human brains.

It does not create other zombies
when it bites people.

It is a partially mummified corpse
that has been animated with magic.

I don't even know if it has consciousness
or any memory of who it was in its past life.

- You read Homer's "The Odyssey"?
- No.

Well..

According to Homer, the dead are
in a trance-like existence.

Only when they drink sacrificial blood
they can remember their past existence.

Okay.

I can see you're too coherent to be crazy.

I'll go with you.

Are you sure?

Yes.

You speak in a logical manner

and you haven't hurt me
even though I'm tied up.

So you won't hurt me when I'm free.

That made me trust you.

You are proof that
your bloodline will prevail.

My name is Michael. As I mentioned
earlier, I am a scholar. Well..

- A renegade scholar.
- Renegade?

That may seem like a rebellious word, but..

to put it simply, I am not a member
of any organization.

I know about these organizations,
but i'm not a member.

And how can you protect me?

Because knowledge is power.

Magda..

Come on.

Thank you.
Yes, he's feeling much better.

Yes, sister Mary, I'll be staying
with my brother for a couple of days

and then I'll be back in the convent.

As also with you.

Okay I'll see you soon.

Bye.

Would you die for me the same way
that you think I died for mankind?

Would you let yourself get nailed?

If you are truly my
Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

then I will do so gladly.

I did not die for you or for anyone else.

The Romans stole my story and
changed it to suit their political agenda.

What you believe to be history
is just a stolen myth.

Romans stole the Greek pantheon
and renamed the Gods.

Zeus became Jupiter.

Dionysus became Bacchus.

When Romans invented Christianity,
Bacchus became Jesus.

But even the Greeks stole a myth.

Crete had different deities
before the mainlanders invaded.

No, there is only one God.

You are a Roman Catholic.

The Roman emperor Constantine
created your religion.

But did you know that Constantine himself
never converted  to Christianity?

He was a worshiper of a Sun God.

I am not the Son of God,
I am the God of the Sun.

You are a bride of Christ.

It's time to consummate the relationship.

But you were celibate.

Was I?

In the gospels I was called "Rabbi".

According to the rabbinical
laws I have been married.

I have two children with Mary Magdalene.

And one child with a woman named Lydia.

You are not Jesus.

You are the beast.

And so are you.
We shall make the beast with two backs.

I have no boner but I know
that you are thawing for meat.

It's political.

This side of the talisman
reveals that Yeshu or Jesus

belonged to the political party
that wanted peace with Rome.

Is that why he's called the Prince of Peace?

No, that's the American consumerism
of religion.

No, he was from the Davidic bloodline.

He was a king.

King of the jews.

Well not all jews consider him legitimate.

Look, I can't do the whole history
in a conversation.

But if you don't mind,
I do have to think out loud.

Sometimes when I hear myself say things,
something important may click.

Sure.

They were a sect of extremists that
lived in a remote settlement called Qumran.

They held a political supper.
What you call "The Last Supper".

They were representatives
of the Zealot war party.

And of the peace party,
which Yeshu was a member.

Jesus.

The Prince of Peace.

Or the King of Peace.

Yes, if that's easier.

They were all to merge into one party
if certain prophecies came to pass.

And when they did not

the peace party was discredited.

So he was a king,
just not the King of Peace?

Judas

was at this meal.

Was a wanted man at the time.

But there was an even more wanted man
at the so-called "Last Supper".

Jesus.

No, it wasn't Jesus.

Judas thought he could bargain
for his own freedom

if he turned in the other fugitive.

But the betrayal backfired on him.

Like I told you before,
Pontius Pilate wasn't a fair man.

Is any man who rules really fair?

Pilate ordered three leaders
to be crucified.

At Qumran bribes were paid

for a man named Simon.

I won't get into his story.

But he was an old man.
And Jesus was chosen in his place to die.

So he didn't die for mankind.

He died for an old man.

Just pay attention.

There was no one to offer bribes for Judas,
so he was crucified.

And the crucifixions
weren't a hilltop spectacle.

They were done in an unclean portion
of the settlement to add extra insult.

There weren't many spectators.

And Jesus wasn't crucified in the center,
he was at the end.

Well at least it was private.

You said there weren't many spectators.

After a few hours
enough of a bribe was collected

to have Jesus's execution changed
to being buried alive.

But it was all a ruse

for him to escape.

You got all that from a talisman?

No.

I got that because I've
read the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Talisman does give me new associations.

On this side it talks about
Mary Magdalene.

The whore?

The Romans depicted her as a whore.

But she wore the color red for a different
reason, sort of like cardinal status.

She was the head of
a large organization though.

I haven't been able to figure out precisely what
it is, but I'm willing to bet it was religious.

Not Christian.

No, not possible.

There was no such thing as Christianity
when Jesus supposedly lived.

Okay whatever,
what does it say about Magdalene?

It's baffling.

It ties her to the Earth Goddess
that was worshiped in Crete.

The one that predates the Greek pantheon.

But she was Jewish, wasn't she?

- You ever heard of the term "diaspora"?
- No.

Never mind then.

It's not the word that matters,
it's the concept behind it.

The main connection between
Mary's Jewish identity and Crete

is that there were quite a few jews
who lived in Greece.

- Don't you mean quite a lot?
- I don't understand. - Well..

Few is always a small number.
It makes no difference whether I say:

"here are three pennies"
or "here are quite a three pennies".

Right, not all expressions are intelligent.

It would help if you stopped using stupid
expressions when you wanna sound smart.

I will.

Thank you.

As I was about to say,

Crete was a society ruled by women.

It was well-structured, fun.

And not interested in war.

It was a compassionate society.

Eventually..

it was invaded.

And the Earth Goddess
was replaced by the Sky Gods.

The female run society
was replaced by a male dominated one.

I don't think I'm gonna be
of any help to you.

If you keep talking about history
I'm probably gonna make some wisecracks.

That's not what you want, right?

Does history bore you so much?

No, but I learned a long time ago
that history isn't true.

Everything that was recorded
had some sort of agenda behind it.

There was never any intention
to report the truth.

A professor told me that.

Ever since then I haven't wanted
to learn anymore.

I mean, all you've been telling me is that
the history I've learned isn't true.

What makes the history
that you know any more true?

Let's not argue, Mary.

- Is that okay with you?
- I'll let you know if you need to shut up.

Don't be afraid.

I'm not an intruder.

What do you call yourself then?

You broke in, you're obviously intruding.

I know this sounds crazy,
you have to come with me.

Actually this..

sounds crazy,
I had a dream that you're coming.

Okay, pack some clothes.

I'll wait here.

I'm sorry, I just got a couple of questions.

In my dream there are
two kinds of people coming after me.

Do you know anything about the other team?

The humans who are coming
are going to try to kill me.

Are they gonna try to kill me too?

No, they'll preserve you

for the thing that's coming
to eat your soul.

How are they gonna try to kill you?

They'll first try to defeat me
in hand-to-hand skills.

Why?

They believe in the Warrior's Code.

This is stupid.

They must've never read The Odyssey then.

Greatest warrior, Achilles, renounced
the Warrior Code completely.

Warriors are so quick
to lose their lives to glory.

Glory is meaningless in the after life.

Or should they say after death?

No woman would ever be foolish enough
to live by the Warrior's Code.

Life is too precious for us.

I just got a couple of questions to ask you
before I decide to go with you.

Are you risking your life for me?

Do you think that my life
is more important than yours?

Do you think that being selfless
makes you honorable?

Just fulfilling my duty, don't wanna die
if that's what you're asking.

I think all tourists..

are all evil.

They do things for rewards

and pretend to care of the greater good.

Don't you think it's better
to be honest about your intentions?

I really don't have any ulterior motives.

If that's the way you wanna play the game.

So be it.

Can you see if I dropped my special
necklace by this side of the couch?

- I don't wanna leave without it.
- Yeah.

You fool, I'm one of the assassins.

And Jill is dead, you came too late.

The zombie came for her.

I waited for you
so I could destroy and kill you

before you attempted
to save anyone else on that list.

Even the most intelligent man
becomes a fool when he gazes upon beauty.

Think of the Devil and he shall appear.

Oh my god!

Your god? I think not.

I grow weary of your crime.

Forgive me.

Actions speak louder than words.

Gird up thy loins.

What you have made others do, I shall do.

Why do you call this a blowjob?

The penis is sucked, not blown.

The miracle I shall perform this day

is that I will blow and inflate
the penis until it bursts.

What shall be the name of this?

Blowup job?

Yes. And my magic will keep you
alive, suffering and dickless.

And you must walk the earth and give
all other rapist priests blowup jobs

to make it impossible for them and you
to ever rape another boy.

Do you think that everyone
from my bloodline is dead?

Sure seems that way.

But if there is anyone left alive

we owe it to that person
to do for them what I've done for you.

And law enforcement probably
has you on their list.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that actually.

They could be waiting for me,
hiding in one of the homes.

You said that they won't protect anyone on
the list until a lot of people end up dead.

We found out a lot of those people are dead.

Surely the police have taken
more protective action by now.

Maybe you don't even need
to protect these people anymore.

You feel selfish if you're the only
person on the list whom I saved?

If you fall into a police trap,
you aren't gonna be protecting anyone.

I don't understand why none of the protectors
from the other various organizations

have been able to save anyone.

You ever hear that Jesus is
your personal Saviour?

Of course.
Actually, I'm sick of hearing it.

Well, Zombie Jesus is more like
your personal savour.

For some reason

he steals the souls of his victims.

It's the reason I haven't been able
to figure out why. 

Maybe the Gods feed on souls.

The Greek Gods used to feed on the smell

of burning flesh.

Maybe the zombie's feeding
on the energy of these souls

to keep itself animated.

It's that gonna hurt?

I mean

when he does it to me.

I don't think so.

I mean, souls aren't physicals.

Pain is physical.

But I promise I'll do everything I can
to keep that from happening.

I would die for you.

You would?

Why would you do something like that?

Because you are the last of your kind!

I know I'm not much of a barrier,
but hopefully this is.

Leave me alone!

I left you once.
The pain has never left me.

- So you can be hurt.
- You know who likes that.

Mary, you have remembered me.

Yes, I remember how you used
your power on me, at my apartment!

That is unless you're a different zombie.

You all look alike to me.

Deeper in the past
have you ever dreamed of another life?

Of another man in your life?

Stay back.

Do I remind you of someone?

You are someone else.

I can see your soul,
but it sleeps in forgetfulness.

I will awaken you, Mary.

Go!

Oh no, not again.

So how do I know that this is really wine?

- What else could it be?
- You know, Christ's blood.

That's actually from the Greek mythology.

In fact the gospels took a lot
from the ancient Greeks.

Plagiarism was pretty common
back then, it ran rampant.

- Shut up!
- That's pretty rude.

You told me to stop you whenever
you talk too much about history.

I see.

Let me tell you one thing
that I'm sure you'll find interesting.

Bread and wine had a different meaning to the Greeks.

Bread was given by the Earth Goddess.
You know, grain given from the earth.

But you said that the Greeks
worship the Sky Gods.

Yes, but when one people's
takes over another

the takeover is more successful

if the subjugated people are allowed
to keep some of their beliefs.

I remember reading that when Rome
took over the Christian religion

that they blended some
of the pagan practices into catholicism.

Very good, Mary.

Is that my influence?

Well, you do have a way
of making these things stick.

Thank you.

Wine.

Wine was the Sky Gods' gift.

Dionysus taught humans how to make wine.

Bread sustained life.

Wine made it worth living.

I's said that it's the..

only cure for sorrow.

There are other cures for sorrow.

That was my blood that was shed for you.

You don't really wanna kill her.

You could've many times,
but you didn't.

Wait.

I remember now.

I never stopped loving you.

You drank the sacrificial blood,
you remember your past life.

No, Mary.

Your life is what you make of it,
not what you once were.

I died before you came back to me.

You can have the earthly life
that we should've had.

Take my hand.

No, Mary, it's a trick.

You can't go against the spell
that animates him.

I am his true love.

Nonsense.
Dionysus was terrible at relationships.

Some men write stories for others to read.

And some men believe what others write.

There's gotta be a way to satisfy your
orders and still make everybody happy.

- There's got to be a loophole.
- I have thought long on this.

If you kill her your own bloodline
will be lost. She's your descendant!

I'm not talking about the Mary you once knew,
I'm talking about the Mary of the present.

If you kill her the Sky Gods will lose.
You're a Sky God!

The druids fooled Rome once.

They let Rome believe
that they were wiped out.

But they hid.

Hid for centuries.

Until now!

They made you into their puppet,
but you could be their master.

In another life
I did indeed achieve high rank

in the druidic sect.

Maybe that's the loophole
that will serve us.

Use your ancient rank,
you can command them.

Stay out of the affairs of the Gods.

But you're in love with her.

You forget that I can raise the dead.

I will not do the same for you.

I have dreamed of life with you.
A life in the flesh.

There is a way for us to be together
but there's a price of pain.

You'll hate me for it.

But great pain's never fully remembered.

As you endure it, I will not seem to pass.

When it is over it will just be
a dull memory. Trust me, I know this.

Foolish mortals bow for the
dominion of the new age.

Your ignorant protector
makes me a humiliated God.

Degraded into serving men
who want to destroy my bloodline.

Let the bloodline perish.
It matters not to immortals.

The Gods are the Gods!

And the ages of men
are only of significance to man.

Whoever reigns in the age of Aquarius,
reigns only over man.

But remains the same
in the plane of the Gods.

The only place where status matters.

I loved her.

Tomorrow is the day upon which
so many have hung their hopes.

You have left your body by then.

I did not take your soul. nor will I.

You'll die a death worthy of legend.

And then I shall descend from
the skies as a man

and I will resurrect you as a woman.

The druids will have won.

But it shall not matter to us.

We shall know the happiness
that was taken from us long ago.

Dionysus!

No!

Michael, you don't know
what you're doing.

Leave!

Alexander the Great brought
Greek mythology to Jerusalem.

Spare him.

He can't save me, I know I have to die.

Followers of Dionysus drank wine
and called it his blood.

He was born of a virgin.

His childhood was in danger.

He raised someone from the dead!

They believed that if they followed him
they would  have salvation.

He died in excruciating death.

Went to the underworld.

He returned as an immortal.

Almost everything written about Jesus
was first written about Dionysus.

Michael. Please shut up.

Dionysus

You had a bride, Ariadne.

She was human.

But Zeus approved of her so much
he made her immortal.

Michael.

Stop.

Go while you still can.

Ariadne & Dionysus.

Are there parallels there
to Mary Magdalene and Jesus?

Mary died before Jesus.

Was it natural? Or did Jesus
approve of having her killed?

Dionysus consented
to having Ariadne killed.

Because she took another lover, Theseus.

The day is not yet over.

I know the story of
how Dionysus died as well.

I have the talisman.

You may not be the only immortal
that walks the earth.

I will call the titans.

The titans stole your thunder once.

And they will do it again!

No!

What have you done?

It's his time.

So does mine.

I'm finished.

Farewell, beautiful face.

Without you,

the way to compose sweet music
is forgotten.

The Gods work in mysterious ways.

You're quoting that from Euripides.
That's where I first encountered it.

In his play - "The Bacchae".

You know most Christian expressions
were stolen from Greek plays.

I was referring to the seeming paradox
of my  victory.

The Earth Goddess has won.

Women shall rule.

Societies will be compassionate
and war shall be forgotten.

But you're of the bloodline of Jesus
(or Dionysus).

That was what you call a smokescreen.

The zombie did not heed his own words.

Humans meant nothing in the contest.

All that happened was meant for me
to become deified.

- Sparagmos?
- Yes.

An excruciating death was necessary
for me to become immortal.

Yes, but when Dionysus underwent sparagmos

he was already half god and half human.

As was I.

I am the daughter of a Goddess.
My father was human.

Why didn't you do something in the past
when you were Mary Magdalene or Ariadne?

You forget that immortals
do not feel time like you do.

All that happened in the past
was in preparation for this day.

Hey, that's why you kept
telling me to shut up.

You were afraid Dionysus
would figure out the plot.

That's right.
It's not easy to fool a God.

Did you know he really loved you?

Yes, I was never false.

But he betrayed me.

Whichever story you hear:
Magdalene or Ariadne

There is betrayal of my love.

But you

You came for me even though
you knew you'd be killed for doing so.

Audio transcription for KG.