Zombie Spring Breakers (2016) - full transcript
A group of young people head to Ibiza for the holiday of a lifetime - all the sun, sea, and sex, they can handle. If only there wasn't a zombie outbreak getting in the way.
I really thought we had
something special, Antonio.
But I can'’t work
with somebody I don'’t trust.
And I certainly
can'’t date...
somebody I don'’t trust.
No, no, shh, shh,
shh shh, shh, shh, shh.
I don'’t want to hear it.
The whole cargo
is fucking shark food!
Thanks to you.
You'’ve left me with no choice.
Don'’t worry.
I'’ll still be able to come
and watch you dance.
You didn'’t really think
I was going to shoot you,
did you?
Antonio!
You... you know
that'’s not my style.
Meet another ex-employee,
and, um,
whoops, ex-boyfriend,
sorry.
This is Kenneth.
Kenneth...
say hi to Antonio.
I'’ll leave you two
to get acquainted then.
It might get
a little awkward.
The Prime Minister
today declared
that the threat level
was significantly reduced...
The situation
was under complete control...
All I know is
that before they came over,
everything was fine...
A spokesman
for the Independence Party...
the spread of the virus on
Eastern European Immigrant...
Have you or
any member of your family
ever been bitten by a zombie?
Thought to be
a mutated strain of Ebola,
a spokesman today
dismissed concerns
that what many are
calling the zombie virus...
Chemical weapon
released by Islamic State...
The invasion
of a planet...
I think
it'’s the government...
Today the mayor defended
the Met Police'’s
shoot-to-kill policy...
Employed by
the government to contr...
It'’s got to be aliens...
Due to screening
for infections...
Big shout-out
goes to Ibiza this weekend.
Official reports say...
island is clear of infection,
but I'’ve seen a few
zombies there, you know?
Especially at six
in the morning.
The home
office has claimed
that security at airports
will remain tight
with enhanced bioscanning
and an increase
in armed security personal.
I don'’t trust those guys
not to shoot the wrong person.
Yeah, I reckon they probably
shot more drunk people
-than actually zombies.
-I don'’t even think there are
any zombies.
I'’ve never seen one, anyway.
Yeah, but you know
Dave Stunts from down Essex?
-Yeah.
-He reckons his cousin got bit
by one the other month.
Bollocks.
Who you texting, anyway?
-Who you texting?
-No one. No one.
You better not
be texting Ellie.
If I find out
you'’re texting
that frigid monster,
there'’ll be problems.
You'’ll have to get your
proctologist to text after that.
-What about that?
-Proctologist means ass doctor.
Come on,
we got a plane to catch.
-Wait, what about Az?
-What aboutAz?
Well, he'’s coming
with us, remember?
Yeah, sometimes
I wish we could
just forget about
Az all together.
Sorry.
I didn'’t touch ya.
Guys! Hey, guys.
Guys, I...
Sorry I'’m late,
been at the chemist.
Have you...
you read these?
It'’s all information on how to
stay safe abroad from infection.
No, you don'’t need
these stupid leaflets.
I know everything there
is to know about zombies.
Stick with me
and you'’ll be fine, let'’s go.
Excuse me, sir,
can you try again?
-Try again? Okay.
-Yes, please.
Well, I sure am happy
to be going on holiday
with you two happy fuckers,
Jesus Christ.
It'’s like a morgue in here.
The Zombie App says the island'’s
still clear of infection.
But is it full of hot bitches?
That'’s all I need to know.
Jim, I'’m not sure
if there'’s an app for that.
No, there is, it'’s called...
it'’s called Liz'’s Facebook page.
Your sister really
doesn'’t understand
her privacy settings,
does she mate?
Hold on second,
isn'’t that...
God, she'’s coming over.
Hide or something.
-Hi, Ellie.
-Hi, Alex.
What are you doing?
Well, this is awkward,
isn'’t it?
And weird, I mean,
here we are off to Ibiza
to bone so many sluts
our dicks
will probably fall off,
and yet you'’re here, too.
Have you come to wave
us off or something?
It'’s okay, James.
I won'’t cramp your style.
Or yours, Alex.
Don'’t worry.
I won'’t stand in the way
of you and your sluts.
Well, of course you won'’t
because, as I said,
we'’re going to Ibiza,
and, I don'’t know,
you'’re probably going somewhere
boring to do something
like build a school
in Somalia.
You haven'’t told them,
have you?
Sorry, told us what?
Yeah,
what haven'’t you told us?
I leave you to explain.
Just try not to sit too near me
on the plane, yeah?
This is
the final call for Ibiza...
Look...
I can explain.
It... it was like this.
So you ladies from England?
You have the
plaga de los muertos,
-That right?
-The what?
He means
the plague of the dead.
I sure do, my friend.
You English,
with your drinking
and your fucking
with no condoms.
It'’s a miracle you aren'’t
all zombies already.
We'’re fine, thanks.
They do checks
at the airport these days.
Some islanders wanted
to stop all flights,
all visitors,
keep this place pure.
But anyone who tells you
this island is pure
is a God damn lying
motherfucker.
Still, Torval is okay.
He has this.
Yeah.
Nice. Sawn-off.
I'’m nice with a shotty, too.
Done some of my
best work with her.
He means Call of Duty.
Yeah, well,
I'’m gonna be emptying
my own shotgun all weekend.
- I need my cock, obviously.
- Yeah!
How much further is it?
Nearly there.
It'’s right up in the hills.
Nice location.
No one to hear
your sexy screaming.
Yeah, well, you'’ll be
able to hear the bitches
that I bring back from
the next fucking village.
You wanna buy some drugs?
Hashish?
Cocaine?
MDMA?
No, thank you.
We'’re not really into that.
Nice one bringing
her along, mate.
She'’s already being
the bloody party police.
That'’s cool.
Drugs are bad for you.
Make your dick shrink.
Yeah, well, I mean,
don'’t mind her, mate.
She'’s not the boss of me.
I'’ll take one.
And, my dick'’s massive.
It'’s like a snake that'’s eaten
a Swiss roll or something.
Get out my van.
All of you.
You have arrived.
Thank God.
Bitches,
the party has arrived.
Who the fuck is that?
What the fuck?
Only been
here two minutes,
and I already got
a couple of bitches wet.
Hi, sis.
Hi, bro.
Look, can you tell your mate
to get out of the fucking pool?
He looks so... unhygienic.
You know what
your problem is, Antonio?
You need to relax.
Take a chill pill.
Open wide for daddy.
One... two... three.
There'’s a good boy.
Don'’t they teach you
to knock on doors
wherever the fuck
it is you come from?
He'’s dead? Antonio!
Him? Used to be.
Now he'’s just
another attraction.
You said no more.
No more stuff,
no more dancers.
I... I know what I said.
You see, Antonio here
was supposed to be in charge
of my supply chain,
bringing in 200 fresh
zombies from England,
but he made
a little error in judgment
and dumped the whole
fucking lot in the sea.
But you can'’t keep
doing this, Karl!
People will find out.
Really?
And how, exactly?
Are you going to tell on me?
Just remember,
there'’s always room
for more employees
in my collection.
Now...
why don'’t you...
get out there
and shake that cute
little ass of yours
and fill my club
with punters?
Do you get me?
And none
of your usual attitude.
Yes... boss.
can zombies swim?
What are you doing?
Standing there
just lurking.
Hi, Ellie, um, well,
I was just wondering if...
well, if you wanted
to come out
to the town with me
and the boys tonight.
And why would I want
to do that?
I think I'’ll just stay here
and wait for James
to tag the pictures
on Facebook.
It'’s not gonna be like that.
And... we wereon a break.
Look, Alex,
I don'’t care what you do.
You said I was boring.
Then the next thing I know,
a picture of you
and some random
pops up online.
How do you think
that made me feel, Alex?
I'’m not going through
that again.
Well, it... it was Big Jim
who said you were boring...
And it was Jim who took
the photo, I know that,
but it wasn'’t Jim
with his tongue
down some girl'’s throat,
was it?
Well, obviously.
Like that would ever happen.
Well, I thought that maybe
that you came to Ibiza
t-to maybe, you know,
get back together.
I came because you
were too tight
to change the name
on the ticket.
Look, you can go and be exciting
with your stupid mates,
but I'’m staying here
and being boring.
Jim, you said there'’d
be wireless here.
What are you
on the Internet for?
You can see lovely tits
if you just look outside.
I just wanna know
what'’s going on back home.
What if there'’s
been another attack?
For all we know,
England could be
completely overrun
by the plague.
Mate, we'’ve been away
for like three hours.
- Besides, you wanna
hope it doeskick off.
- Why?
"" because then
we'’d be stuck here on,
like, the ultimate party island
with those dirty bitches
tasked with restarting
the human race.
They'’d be obligated to shag us
which, for a guy like you,
is pretty much the only
chance you'’ve ever got
of seeing any action
with your little raisin dick.
Don'’t wanna know.
He'’s having imaginary sex
with one
of the girls outside.
-It'’s probably your sister.
-I said I don'’t wanna know.
-It isyour sister, mate.
-At least it'’s not Ellie.
It'’s not gonna be her,
is it?
Do you know what, mate,
I don'’t think we'’ve given you
nearly enough shit for inviting
your ex-girlfriend
on our lads holiday.
She wasn'’t my ex
when I invited her.
Even worse!
You'’re just lucky me and Az
are even talking to you after
pulling a stunt like that.
Did you temporarily
lose your mind or something?
Well, I... I thought it might be
a good idea
to combine a lads holiday with...
with a romantic holiday.
Are you fucking nuts?
Have you literally gone
full retard?
Can you even understand
the words that come out
of your mouth when you say them?
You'’re ridiculous.
It'’s not like you two know what
it'’s like to have a girlfriend.
That'’s because
I'’m a player, Alex,
and I don'’t like
to get tied down
to just one bitch,
you know that.
-Yeah, me too.
-What?
-What are you doing, anyway?
-Exercising, obviously.
It'’s always good
to get pumping
before you got out
to get some bitch to pump.
You always look bigger as well
when you'’re just fresh
from working out.
-Sure you wanna look
any bigger, Jim?
-Fuck off, mate.
This is all muscle.
Az, get on.
All right.
Fucking idiots.
You only need one
of the big ones anyway.
Any more than that and it'’s
actually counterproductive
and you'’re gonna lose
muscle density.
Whatever man.
Look, boys.
I say we get out of here
as quick as possible,
go to some bars,
hit some clubs,
and just get absolutely
fucking wankered.
Fuckin'’ A, first decent thing
you'’ve said since we got here.
Az, hurry up, man.
Lads?
Hi, girls, so,
me and Alex here
were just off to
the local nightclubs
to harvest them
for all the pussy
they can yield,
so don'’t wait up, ladies.
James, I don'’t give
a rat'’s ass what you do,
I just want Alex back
in one piece, all right?
So that means no drugs,
and if by some insane miracle
that you happen to pull a bird,
just be careful,
-if you know what I mean.
-No, it'’s not gonna...
I got this, mate,
I got this.
You... you don'’t need to worry
your pretty little head
about that, Liz, because
I actually happen to have
knob protection
in every flavor of the rainbow.
So you needn'’t worry,
I got your five a day
right here, you know?
I'’d actually rather rub sand
up my vagina.
Interesting you should say
that, Zara, because so would I.
So would I.
Anyway, we'’re off.
See you later, bitches.
Let'’s roll.
Az, you ready?
We'’re gonna go without you
if you'’re not careful.
Get a move on and you better not
be wanking again,
you disgusting little man!
Thanks for letting me
stay in with you tonight.
It'’s really good
to get out here and relax.
Sweetheart,
I'’ve been relaxing all day.
We'’re going out and partying
very hard tonight.
I thought you said we were
having a girlie night in?
No, I just said that to Alex
and his dickhead mates
so they didn'’t tag along.
No, tonight we'’re gonna go out,
and we'’re gonna get
- absolutely shit faced.
- Yeah.
Yep.
What?
I'’m... I'’m not used
to this sun, all right?
Az...
it'’s nearly dark,
and we'’re inside.
So? I'’d rather
be safe than sorry.
You look like you'’re in one
of them bukkake videos, mate.
You literally look
like 12 German blokes
split the cost of a room
in a youth hostel
just to jizz all over
your disgusting little body.
It'’s filthy.
And you smell like piña colada.
It smells better
than this tastes, though.
Tastes like piss.
Diseased piss.
You'’d know what
diseased piss tastes like.
I expect you'’ve sucked off
enough diseased penises
to last you a lifetime, Alex.
This is a little
invention of mine
I got the barman to mix up...
I call it the Big Jim, baby!
Inventive Jim.
So it isyour piss, then?
Yeah, yeah, there'’s a bit
of my spunk in there as well.
Anyway,
you need to drink up boys.
We need to be nice and toasted
for when we get
into them super clubs.
Jim, have you seen
the price of these clubs?
It'’s like 60 Euros
just to get in.
You'’re the tightest man
I'’ve ever met.
You'’re tighter
than your ex'’s vagina
and there'’s nothing
that'’s ever been up that.
- I'’m not tight, okay?
- Hi.
She is... but... I don'’t...
-will you stop talking about
Ellie, all right?
-Hi!
You'’re the one who'’s always
going on about her... hello.
Looking for somewhere
to party tonight?
Can you recommend
anywhere at all?
Yeah, I can.
I'’m the fucking promo girl!
Or do you think I choose
to wear this fucking T-shirt?!
Don'’t need to be so rude.
I think I'’m in love.
I think you'’re
in dream world.
I think we found
tonight'’s destination.
I just...
I just wish it was vampires.
Vampires?
You'’re so fucking random,
Zara.
Vampires are just,
you know, sexier.
If it was vampires,
I'’d be out there right now
with some pale Twilight dude
sticking his fangs
right into me.
Instead... zombies.
They'’re fucking disgusting.
Yeah.
Iwouldn'’t wanna be one,
and I sure as hell
wouldn'’t want to fuck one.
Well, at least
you do have somestandards.
Babe, you know I'’m not
some sort of mega slut.
Hola.
-Hola.
-Ooh, la, la.
So, um, Ellie.
First night in Ibiza.
- Anything tickle your fancy?
- No, I don'’t...
Nonsense.
You do with some hot lovin'’
to get you over, you know...
what'’s-his-name,
Liz'’s brother.
No, really, I'’m fine.
Bollocks on you.
Wait here.
Where...
where is she going?
I really don'’t know.
She'’s a force of nature,
that one.
If her pussy had a password,
it'’d be "password."
Thanks for letting me
hang out with you girls.
No worries,
no worries.
Look, I don'’t have
a clue what happened with you
and my dickhead little brother,
and to be honest,
I don'’t care as long
as we have a good time, Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Good.
Ladies?
the party
has officially begun.
-30 seconds?
-That definitely beats
- your personal best, Zara.
- Babe!
Um, Liz, Ellie darling?
Meet...
thingie and thingie.
Hey, hi, I'’m Rupert.
This is my good friend Todd.
You'’ll have to excuse
him, he'’s American.
Yeah, bro, I'’m having the best
night of my fucking life.
-Yeah.
-Get krunked up, baby!
Yeah.
I don'’t suppose you girls
fancy moving on, do you?
I know this cracking spot
to watch the sunset.
Really?
You boys
know how to read?
No fucking photos.
Hello.
I'’m, Karl.
Owner of the establishment.
So is this... is she...
is that a real zombie?
She'’s real all right.
Worked for me for years.
Only now
I don'’t have to pay her.
But I thought that the island
was clear from infection?
Well, you shouldn'’t believe
everything you read, cupcake.
On this island,
for the right price,
everything'’s available.
So what happens if you
feed '’em alcohol, then?
No, no, no. No.
No, we tend to pump
our dancers full of MDMA.
Keeps them chilled.
Means they'’re less
likely to bite.
Booze on the other hand...
bad vibes.
Gunter, why don'’t
we show these boys
how we motivate our dancers?
Yes, boss. My pleasure.
It'’s all in the timing.
Look.
Yes, quite.
Well, who'’s for a...
a proper drink?
You? Yes.
Piña coladas, maybe?
Pretty romantic?
Um... yeah, I suppose so.
Champagne,
a beautiful sunset,
and an even more
beautiful girl.
What more can a guy ask for...
-you okay?
-Yeah.
I'’m fine.
I'’m just not used to
all of this.
But it'’s something you could
get used to, right?
Yeah, maybe.
Fast going, Ellie.
Listen,
keep your knickers on.
we'’re going to the pool party
back our the house.
Woo-hoo! Pool party!
Are you all right, mate?
Yeah.
But it... it'’s too loud.
You know,
I'’m gonna go ask the DJ
if he'’ll play
a bit of Morrissey.
You know, with some real...
what'’s it named?
Lyrics!
It'’s that Karl bloke, mate.
He'’s be giving him free drinks
all night.
You don'’t reckon
he spiked '’em, do ya?
Or put a date rape
in his drink?
Do you reckon he'’s put
a date rape in all our drinks?
Probably, that'’s why I'’ve
been giving all my drinks
-to that zombie over there.
-Are you fucking mad?
Did you not hear
what the owner said?
I don'’t give a shit.
I wanna see what happens.
Anyway,
never mind that undead slut.
You see who'’s over there?
It'’s that bird from earlier.
She'’s definitely
getting down downstairs
thinking a meet with Big Jim,
do you know what I'’m saying?
Jim, it'’s her job
to flirt with guys
to get '’em into the club,
and she didn'’t even
bother with us.
Do you know what?
I'’m gonna be the
bigger man here, yeah?
You'’re the one
who'’s pining for his ex.
So why don'’t you go over there
and give it a go?
Well,
that'’s really generous of you.
Speaking of your ex,
she was looking pretty smoking
in that bikini of hers today.
Don'’t talk about Ellie
like that, all right?
It'’s bad enough
you perv on my sister.
Look, mate, if me and your
sister doend up gettin'’ it on,
which is entirely possible
given the way
she'’s been looking at me,
that'’s nature taking its course.
You can'’t hate on
a player for that.
In the meantime,
you need to get yourself
back on the minge horse,
get balls deep in some sluts.
Starting
with that one over there.
I don'’t want sluts!
Sorry.
I just want Ellie.
I want sluts.
What, you?
You and her?
Yeah, why not?
Go on mate, be my guest.
This'’ll be hilarious.
Bastard!
Great stuff.
Now, Maria,
don'’t insult the customers.
You know what, Karl?
You can stick your
shitty job into your ass!
You are not turning me into
one of your fucking zombies.
Crazy woman.
I have absolutely no idea
what she'’s talking about.
Let'’s get you another drink.
You okay, hon?
Yeah.
Just a bit pissed, you know?
I think I might go to bed.
No way, babe,
the night is young.
Plus, I swear that smoldering
guy had his eyes on you.
Nah.
Not interested in me.
Not with you girls around.
It'’s okay, hon.
Go hit the sack if you want.
Not everyone'’s made
for partying all night.
Fuck, yeah!
That'’s what I'’m taking about.
I took a couple of these
bitches back at the beach.
Let me tell you,
they are fucking singing to me.
Let'’s turn it up, baby!
Fuck yeah!
Last one in the pool'’s a loser!
Whoo! Fuck, yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
-Pool party Ibiza!
-Whoo!
- It'’s that guy.
- Yeah, off the telly.
Hey, everybody
having a good time?
Yeah, I was
until you turned up, you twat.
Thank you.
So, ladies and gentlemen!
On this night of nights,
I bring to you a spectacle
the likes of which
you'’ve never seen!
Well, not me, I'’ve seen
pretty much everything.
A show that will challenge
your minds,
your souls,
your very principles!
Again, I haven'’t got
any principles,
so it doesn'’t count for me.
And brace yourselves.
Let the entertainment begin!
I would love to cut
someone'’s arm off like that.
This is the second-greatest
thing I'’ve ever seen in my life.
As if you'’ve seen
anything better than this.
I saw a little bit
of your sister'’s nipple
- in the swimming pool
-I'’m gonna be sick.
Absolute twat.
-Is this the way out?!
-How am I supposed to know?
Shit!
She'’s too slippery, mate!
-Just leave her, she'’s dead.
-Let'’s not take any chances.
because if she wakes up
again and bites then...
just check.
She'’s definitely dead.
-She'’s dead, just leave her.
-No, she is dead, mate.
I'’ve got a bit of a semi.
Fine, absolutely fine,
let'’s go, let'’s just go.
That was nuts!
Can you just stop
enjoying yourself?
We just saw people get killed.
No, Alex, we just saw
people get killed by zombies.
That'’s different.
That'’s cooler.
No, it'’s fine, man.
They can'’t...
look, it'’s a push door.
Please don'’t...
please don'’t bite me.
Tell you what,
you'’re just perfect ho for that.
And I'’ll kiss
your friend as well.
Yeah, not the...
fuck off the guys, just the...
I'’m calling Ellie,
see if she'’s okay.
What are you
calling her for, man?
At this time of night,
she'’ll just be tucked up in bed,
lightly touching herself
to a Jane Austen novel.
Yeah.
Ellie, Ellie.
Leave it, okay?
You need to relax.
Okay, just relax.
She'’s not answering.
I'’ll call Liz.
Duh, she'’s not
gonna answer either.
Why not?
Because
she'’ll be lezzing off
with Zara, of course,
real life, not like a porno.
Babe,
he'’s not even looking.
-Losing your touch.
-Shut up.
This is unbelievable,
Miss Goody Two Shoes there
is like getting some action
whilst I'’m here lezzing
it off with you.
No offense, of course.
Shut up, Zara.
You wish you could have me.
Right, if I'’m not gonna get
any action,
I'’m gonna go to bed.
You gonna come into bed?
No, I think I might go
for a swim,
wait for Alex to get home.
If he finds out Ellie'’s
with that bloke,
he'’s gonna go mental.
Look, no offense
to your brother, babe,
but she deserves
to have some fun.
Yeah, I know.
I know my brother'’s
a little dickhead,
but I can'’t have him
getting any more pathetic
than what he already is.
Right.
I'’m gonna take this.
-Good night, babe.
-Good night.
My God,
this one'’s gonna have
a headache tomorrow.
So you'’re calling Az,
then?
-No.
-No? Well, what you doin'’?
Well, I'’ll call him then,
shall I?
For goodness sakes.
He should be home by now.
Come on, Az.
Something'’s wrong.
None of them are answering.
Right, we'’ve got to get
back to the villa now.
Come on!
Alex, man, come on!
Granted there are zombies,
damn it,
but the villa'’s miles away!
There'’s literally no chance
there'’ll be zombies
up there as well.
It does not stink
of rotten fish.
It'’s actually
a bloody nice kebab
made by a really nice
bloody kebab maker.
You'’re out of your mind.
Shit.
Fuck.
Fucking come.
Zombies in the nightclub.
Now zombies here.
What are the chances of that?
-It'’s madness.
-I told ya.
Maybe we could
just go back that bar,
get a few beers,
check out the birds.
No way!
Ellie'’s in there.
Yeah, maybe we could
just go back to that bar,
get a few beers,
check out the birds?
My sister'’s in there, too.
Did you just look at your penis
thinking about my sister?
-No.
-You... you did.
I didn'’t.
Definitely didn'’t. I didn'’t
We should...
we can get around the back.
-Yeah, fine.
-Come on.
Stop smiling,
you fucking son of bitch.
Can'’t believe you made me hold
this bloody kebab!
Yo, give it to me.
Just give me the kebab, Alex!
-I'’m gonna, I'’m gonna swing.
-Just give me the kebab
-and I will let you down.
-How are we gonna do this?
-You'’re just gonna hand it to...
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, okay, okay,
I'’m gonna give to you,
-I'’m gonna give it to you.
-Hand me the kebab.
-See, how easy was that?
-You almost
just bloody killed me.
Just given me
the kebab in the first place...
That doner'’s gonna be
the killer of us, man!
Shit!
Hands off my bloody doner!
Alex, do something!
Just throw the kebab.
Kebab might distract him.
No, Alex, you throw
yourkebab at him.
-Well, I haven'’t got a kebab.
-Well, then use something else.
-What?
-Use that!
Dude.
That is disgusting.
It'’s almost enough
to put me off my...
Come on, let'’s go.
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
Alex?
Yeah?
Did that zombie
just say "dude"?
No.
No, I mean, that was a...
that was a zombie growl,
wasn'’t it?
Yeah. Yeah.
That... that was
a zombie growl, wasn'’t it?
-Yeah.
-That was, yeah?
Yeah, definitely, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Zombie, definite zombie.
Jesus.
Thank God you'’re all right.
Yeah, we'’re fine.
But there are shit load
of zombies out there.
Whoa, did you mash up
a zombie, too, Liz?
-Is Ellie okay?
-Yeah, she'’s fine.
-Well, where is she?
-She'’s inside.
No, but I...
I wouldn'’t... I wouldn'’t...
- What, no hug for me?
- Fuck off.
-Do you wanna share this?
-Fuck off.
Fuck it, I have some
interracial stuff on my laptop.
I'’ll just have a wank instead.
Ellie! Ellie...
Dude, what the fuck?
This is totes not cool,
I just spent the last
long, arduous 20 minutes
on foreplay.
What? You said you
were a trained masseuse.
Alex, is that blood
on your shoes?
What the hell is going on?
Well... there'’s loads
of zombies outside.
A-and I'’ve had to kill some.
I come to warn you,
but I don'’t know why
I bothered now.
Look, this is total
bertie bollocks.
Okay, come on Ellie.
We'’ve got business to finish.
It'’s your turn
to give mea rubdown,
if you know what I mean,
and you, wanker,
if you interrupt us again,
I will knock
your bloody block off.
Alex,
are you telling the truth?
-Yeah.
-He is.
Zombies, thousands of them.
What... are you two...
that'’s a bit awkward, isn'’t it?
Shut up, Jim.
Look, there'’s not
thousands of '’em,
but there'’s at least 30
surrounding the house.
God.
Look, Ellie, if you'’re not
gonna nosh me off,
then I'’m getting out of here,
all right?
It'’s been fun guys,
but this is Rupes
saying sayonara.
I'’m gonna call a cab.
Like you'’re gonna
have any luck with that, mate.
There'’s a zombie
apocalypse outside.
You'’re not gonna have
any signal.
Three bars, actually.
Yeah, so do I.
That'’s weird.
Anyway, catch you around,
sugar tits.
By the way,
has anybody seen Todd?
Who'’s Todd?
Ciao, losers.
Look, never mind Todd.
Have you seen Az?
-He'’s nowhere to be found.
-Wasn'’t he with you?
You'’ve not lost him,
have you?
No. He said
he was coming back here.
Well, is one of you
gonna call him?
Jim can.
I... I haven'’t got any signal.
You'’re not gonna have any
signals on airplane mode.
Are you, Alex?
Such a tight bastard.
Thank you.
Voicemail,
he could be anywhere.
God.
His mom'’s gonna bloody kill us.
Does it hurt?
Of course it bloody well hurts.
Look at it.
Some madman just ate my phone
and took a piece of me with it.
Well, just chill, yeah?
And pleasetry not
to get blood on the sofa.
My deposit'’s already fucked.
-Is that supposed to be
some sort of joke?
-Have you seen the pool?
Look at him. He has to go.
He'’s gonna turn.
No way, piss off,
I'’m not leaving anywhere
unless it'’s in an ambulance.
You, Kenan and Kel
with three bars, you call one.
Right, that is both offensive
and probably also racist, right?
But given the situation
we find ourselves in...
They'’re not even answering,
anyway.
Did me and Alex not explain
that we came from a nightclub
that turned into
a zombie bloodbath earlier?
- They'’re probably busy.
-If we'’re not
gonna turf him out,
well... we'’re just gonna
have to kill '’em ourselves.
Alex, we'’re not
killing anyone.
-He'’s infected.
-Look, you prick.
Okay, I'’m sorry that
your girlfriend fancies me.
This is all getting a bit
too dramatic for my liking.
Ex-girlfriend.
And I don'’t fancy you.
- Come on.
- Um, guys?
I don'’t mean to alarm you,
but there'’s a bunch of ugly
motherfucking zombies
outside the villa.
Yeah, cheers, anyone got
anything constructive to say?
-We need to kill him.
-Alex,
we'’re not killing anybody.
W-wait, why are we even
discussing killing someone?
He'’s been bitten
by a zombie.
Well,
have you considered,
maybe amputating his hand?
What?
I need my bloody hand.
Wait, that...
that could work.
If we get to the infection
before it hits his brain.
G-girls.
Come on, you'’re not
gonna let him do this.
You can'’t chop
my fucking hand off.
Look, man, I'’ve had enough
of this, yeah?
You'’re doing my head in.
Five minutes ago,
it was your bloody hand.
Any more of your
little procrastination,
I'’m gonna have to take
more of your physique off.
Probably be
your whole arm next.
And any more delay,
it'’s gonna be your head.
I don'’t say this
very often,
but I think these
dickheads might be right.
Rupert,
it'’s your choice, all right?
We try amputating your hand,
or you leave now
and take your chances
with the zombies.
We can'’t risk you turning.
Ellie...
Okay. Okay.
Um...
just need to do
something first.
That'’s ketamine.
Five minutes time,
I won'’t be able to feel my arm.
I'’ll take that.
Alex, go and find
a knife or something.
Yes.
I actually think it might be
better if we just got a gun,
Like a shotgun and just took
the whole thing clean off.
Jim, if you can'’t say
anything fucking useful,
then just stay out of it.
Can'’t say anything useful,
How about...
ordering a bloody rescue,
getting us out of here?
Yo.
Hello, mate, hi, how you doing?
It'’s, it'’s Jim.
The guy that you picked up
with the other two guys
and the girl in the van
to take the villa earlier.
Yeah, um, I was just wondering
if maybe, I don'’t know,
you wanted to come up here
and sort of maybe rescue us?
No, man.
I ain'’t going nowhere.
Have you not looked outside?
That'’s some end-of-days shit,
right there.
Yeah, that'’s kind of what
I'’m calling you about, actually.
We'’ve... we'’ve sort
of got a few zombies
up here as well and stuff,
and I wondered if maybe
you wanted to come down here
and rescue us
and bring your shotgun?
I mean,
we'’ll pay you, obviously.
Has anyone got any money?
No, man.
Money'’s no good to me.
Not much you can
buy in an apocalypse.
You get me?
Yeah, right.
Yeah, he'’s not...
he'’s not having it.
Don'’t be long.
Do not be long.
Hello?
Who is this?
There are three
hot-ass bitches here.
Yeah? And we would
really appreciate it
if you came and rescued us.
And how do I know you are not
one of your English...
munters?
Munters?
Sir, look, I will send you
a photo, okay?
I don'’t care about your face.
I just wanna see your titties.
Titties?
All three of you.
And then maybe...
I'’ll think it over.
Um...
great.
Start your engine, thanks.
-Okay, take a photo.
-You sure about this, yeah?
-Yeah.
-Do you want me...
I should probably do this.
Fuck off, Jim.
Go help Alex or something.
Are we just gonna do tits?
What about some ass shots?
-We don'’t know what he likes.
-I mean it.
Yeah, okay.
Are you sure this
is a good idea, Zara?
This guy'’s a real creep.
Have you got a better idea?
Look, I'’m sorry for snapping,
but desperate times,
and these arethe only things
we can bargain with.
-Yep. Yeah, nice.
-Yeah?
Okay, your turn.
Fucking hurry up, Zar.
Hold on, I'’m just trying to get
the right Instagram filter.
Yep, got it.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Right, Ellie, pop them out.
What?
You can leave me out of it.
This might be our only way
out of here.
I'’m not texting some weirdo
topless pictures.
You girls didn'’t see
this guy earlier.
I really don'’t trust him.
He'’s not that bad, Ellie.
For God'’s sake.
Trust you to make
a big deal of it.
They'’re not even that big,
anyway.
You didn'’t mind getting them out
for this loser, did ya?
Look, Ellie, I-I'’m sorry.
Forget it, Alex!
You girls
can sort yourselves out.
I want no part of this.
Well done, lads.
I see why you'’re such
a fucking hit with the ladies.
Well this is great,
isn'’t it?
Where are we gonna find a
third pair of tits for him now?
you can all piss off.
Mama.
I feel fucking violated, man.
Get off me.
Guys, I don'’t mean
to interrupt a deep moment,
but his whole arm
is turning black.
Jim...
grab his arm, mate.
My pleasure, doctor.
Alex, are you sure
you know what you'’re doing?
-Do you want me to do it?
-No, no.
I'’ll do this.
I'’m gonna...
I'’m gonna go pack.
I think I'’m gonna be sick.
Fuck.
Fuck, shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Shit, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Hello?
Jim?
Alex?
Stay there.
Where'’s my other arm?
What are you doing?
Maybe we
should do this in the morning?
No, it'’s not breaking.
Jim?
Jim, just fucking smash it.
Just fucking break it.
Fucking Ellie.
Go, go, break it.
Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck.
Hello?
Hello.
Shit!
Watch the door!
Well, w-what about him?
I handle him.
Look out for Karl.
Hi, Karl!
We'’re down here.
Yeah, come on.
Well, aren'’t you
a sight for sore eyes.
Just in time, too,
I'’m about to fuck off the island
- before the cops turn up.
- Leave him alone.
He came back for me,
not for you.
Well, actually I was
just looking for a way out.
I hardly think he'’s gonna be
interested in... that.
So, what do you say,
young Az?
How do you fancy sailing off
into the sunset
on Uncle Karl'’s yacht?
Thanks for the offer.
And I really appreciate this.
And I'’m sure you'’re a...
a lovely man and everything,
But, you know, with
a and a?
Well, your loss.
If you'’re looking
for the yacht keys,
they'’re in that drawer.
Be a sweetheart
and throw them over, would you?
Thanks. Now...
Don'’t move,
you fucking freak.
Sorry, what are you gonna do?
Shoot me?
You?
The worst promo girl in Ibiza?
Yeah.
Ooh!
You see what'’s happened
there is...
I'’ve got the real gun.
Kind of similar,
aren'’t they?
Easy to get confused.
Now...
You'’ll have to go
through me first.
Don'’t worry.
I was planning to.
Do you mean
in like a gay way?
Sorry,
I'’m no good with innuendo.
Good night, sweetheart.
Thought you were supposed
to be looking after Rupert?
Chill, bitch.
Alex is looking after Rupert.
And Ellie'’s looking after Alex
to make sure
Alex doesn'’t cut any more
of Rupert'’s limbs off.
It'’s all fine.
What are you up to, anyway?
Come here.
I mean,
you know about all these...
things.
Do you think they
remember who they were?
Remember who they used to be?
I don'’t know.
They seem so...
sad.
We'’re going to end up
like that, aren'’t we?
You never know, it might be...
might be fun being a zombie.
Shut up, you twat.
You'’re supposed to be
making me feel better
and saying
it'’s all gonna be fine.
Sorry.
You really are
a useless prick, aren'’t ya?
Yeah, and you'’re a bossy cow.
With great tits, though.
Bossy?
Do you think I'’m bossy?
I'’m only trying
to look after everyone.
With great tits
come great responsibility.
Fuck, can you be serious
for just one minute?
Is there ever an end
to your bullshit?
No, I mean it, I mean,
we'’ve all got our roles.
I mean,
you'’re the kick-ass bitch.
-I'’m the funny one...
-Sorry...
the funny one?
You think
you'’re the funny one?
No, you'’re about
as funny as bowel cancer.
I thought the funny one
was that...
what'’s his name,
that little one?
I thought
he was the funny one.
-What, Az?
-Yeah.
No.
Suppose we probably should try
and find him, though, you know?
Hang on.
If I'’m not the funny one,
then what have I got left?
The fat one?
The one who'’s man boobs
you laugh at?
I don'’t know, who knows?
You might actually
be a nice person
underneath all that crap.
I just want to go home
and just...
s-see my parents, you know?
Zombie apocalypse
isn'’t all it'’s cracked up to be.
It'’s more...
more real, you know?
I know.
We'’ll be home soon.
No.
No. I know how
this is gonna end for me.
I'’m destined to be
an all-you-can-eat buffet
for... for zombies.
It'’s ironic, really, considering
that'’s the only thing
I'’ve ever been any good at
in my whole stupid life.
I'’m too young to die, Liz.
Too many all-you-can-eat buffets
yet to conquer.
Too many sluts to bang,
you know?
You might actually have a bit
of luck with the women
if you didn'’t call them sluts
and bitches all the time, James.
Just a bit of little friendly
advice for you there.
Nah, it doesn'’t matter
what I call them.
They'’re not interested in me.
Destined to die alone a virgin
on this stupid fucking island.
God,
I can'’t believe I'’m about to...
if you tell anyone this,
I will kill you.
I mean that,
I'’ll fucking kill you.
You saw the zombie in the pool.
You know I'’m capable.
Tell anyone what?
And I'’m doing this because
I actually think
we'’re not gonna live to see
another day on this island.
Jesus Christ, I can'’t
believe I'’m gonna do this.
God, I must be fucking ill.
Do what?
Look you dickhead, do you wanna
die a virgin or not?
No.
Alex, wake up.
What?
It'’s Rupert.
He'’s making noises.
Did that sound like a...
you know, a human groan
Or a zombie one?
I don'’t know,
you'’re the one who knows
what sound he makes
when he groans.
Leave it.
I'’m gonna check for a pulse.
Wait. Wait.
I'’ll do it.
Are you sure?
Well, yeah.
Well, if he does turn,
it could get quite nasty,
and I'’ve already killed
two zombies already,
so, well,
it shouldn'’t be too hard.
This macho stuff
does not suit you, Alex.
I can'’t... I can'’t
really feel anything.
Ellie, Ellie!
-Alex!
-Get the knife!
Get the knife!
Get the knife!
Brains!
Get him in the brains!
Brains! Not in the back of
the head, through the eye!
-Really?!
-Yes!
-I can'’t go through the eye!
-Wherever!
-Through the ear!
-Wherever!
Fuck off, Rupert,
you prick!
Ellie...
could you give us a hand?
Liz, Big Jim number two
has reawoken.
Ready for deployment.
We should probably
go again straightaway.
Liz. Liz, let'’s go.
Too hung over?
I think what you need
is probably some breakfast.
I'’ll just take
this opportunity to just...
That'’s a video.
That'’s lovely.
See that'’s what
I like about you.
is a normally
the big-titted bitches,
they don'’t have a good ass
unless they'’ve had implants,
but you,
you got both areas covered
which is why
I like you a lot, good stuff.
So is there anything
that I should get
while I'’m down at the fridge,
for us to incorporate
into the next part
of our sexual adventure?
I'’m talking things like
whipped cream, strawberries?
I think I saw chocolate mousse
down there, actually.
I'’ll surprise you.
Lovely day out there,
isn'’t it?
Shame we'’re not gonna see any of
it '’cause of all these zombies,
and obviously the fact
that I'’ll be in here
hanging out the back of you.
Jesus, all right.
Fuckin'’ Liz in the bed...
Liz, yeah,
suckin'’... suckin'’ me off
all damn night
and all through to the morning!
Taking it doggy style!
When I give it to
you doggy style,
I'’m begging for more,
a dirty bit...
-the fuck have you been up to?
-He turned.
I did tell you he would,
didn'’t I, come on.
Why the fuck
are you so cheerful?
You know Alex, just a post-sex
with Liz glow.
You know how it is.
I'’m just gonna go in there
and rustle up some breakfast,
-Sex makes you really hungry.
-James, we really haven'’t
got time for this now.
-We need to make a run for it.
-What about
the rescue I ordered?
Well, he'’s obviously
not coming, is he?
Come on, we need to get Liz
and Zara and get out of here.
Yeah, be my guest, go up
and get Liz, but I warn you,
she'’s looking pretty
shagged out about right now.
Can you just shut
the fuck up about my sister?
Jim, you'’ve had those condoms
in your pocket
since you were seven,
and I'’m pretty sure
they'’re gonna stay there
until the day you die.
Yeah, well,
that would be fine Alex,
except I didn'’t bother
using the condoms.
I barebacked her at her request,
and you should have seen me.
It was like
a prime silverback gorilla
going at a fucking lioness,
yeah?
And not just any gorilla.
It was like King Kong
fucking the sexy lioness
-out of Lion King.
-Fucking dick.
Look guys, can you have
this discussion somewhere else?
I really don'’t wanna stay
here a second longer.
Yeah, yeah.
Ellie'’s right.
We need to get out
of here as quick as possible
and somehow find Az.
Well, I just wish we had
some weapons, you know?
Just some real big sort of...
some guns coming out.
Yeah?
Real big guns?
- Yeah, just...
- Yeah?
This ain'’t Playstation, Jim.
Taxi.
Taxi for the titties.
Where are your
other lady friends?
you must be the taxi guy.
Guys, why have you
not packed yet?
We need to get out of here.
First,
Torval gets his sexy time.
Then we can all go
for a little ride.
That'’s the deal.
And a deal is a deal.
Excuse me.
We'’ve all had...
a very traumatic night, yes?
Now,
I have a banging headache,
and all we want
to do is go home.
Whoa, just don'’t point
that thing at me.
So where is she?
The one with the big...
brown...
boobies.
I find her myself.
You lot, don'’t move.
You can'’t.
Because I have the keys
to the van.
I could probably
just hot-wire it anyway,
- if you want me to.
- Shut up.
Anyways, I'’m not leaving
my sister with him.
Liz!
Liz...
Liz?
Alex, no, don'’t go in there.
Since when was my sister
a zombie?
Well, that'’s what
we all want to know.
No James, don'’t, we need
the keys to the van, remember?
She'’s my friend guys.
I'’ll do it.
She won'’t hurt me.
Liz?
It'’s your friend, Zar.
Remember?
Fuck.
Liz...
we had some good times,
didn'’t we?
Ayia Napa.
Magaluf.
Even that time in Skegness.
Liz, I need you to move.
I need to get those keys.
Liz, I really don'’t want
to do this.
Liz?
All right, guys,
we need to get to that van.
Yeah, sorry, who died
and put you in charge?
No, yeah, fair enough.
I'’m sorry about that, mate.
I didn'’t think
that through, that'’s...
As I was saying, I'’ve got
the keys so I'’m driving.
- Yeah, shotgun?
- What do you mean?
It doesn'’t matter
who sits where.
No, you dumb bitch.
Just give me the shotgun.
Here take it.
I don'’t want it.
Jim, the moment
you'’ve been waiting for.
You'’ve got the gun.
Now fucking shoot '’em!
All right, now what you
guys wanna think about here
is it'’s very important to keep
the butt of the gun tight
to your shoulder, otherwise
you'’ll do yourself an injury.
-James!
-All right, fucking hell.
James, I thought you said
you knew what you were doing!
Fucking Ellie,
for fuck'’s sake!
- For fuck'’s sake!
- For God'’s sake, just shoot!
Pull!
Shit, no, what are
the chances of that?
There'’s literally
no way that could happen.
-It just did!
-As if a bullet
would actually ignite...
My God!!
My fucking leg!
Look what you did
to my fucking leg!
-You motherfucker!
-Should we go back inside?
So this is it.
Our last stand.
Except some of us
can'’t actually stand.
- My fucking leg you...
- Gimme that!
We'’re gonna go out fighting!
Be my guest,
I'’ve used that shell anyway.
Any of you cats
order a rescue?
What the fuck did
you guys do to that?
So we going to the airport
then, yeah?
Airport'’s closed.
The whole island
is in quarantine.
So where are we going?
Chill guys.
We got the keys to a yacht.
It'’s anchored
a few miles offshore.
We get on that, and then we sail
back to the mainland.
Yeah, that all sounds great,
but if it'’s offshore,
how are we gonna
get there?
Some of us haven'’t got
the use of all of our limbs,
and I'’m pretty sure
I only got my 200-meter
swimming badge out of pity.
There'’s loads of speedboats
and jet skis at this beach.
Sounds like you got
it all figured out.
Where'’d you get all
this cool shit from, anyway?
Well, it'’s a pretty
amazing story, actually.
- My fuck...
- Shh!
Okay, you distract them.
I run to the car.
No, no.
You distract them.
I mean, you are more...
distracting.
Do you know how to drive
a limo?
Do you know
how to drive a limo?
No.
See?
If we get on that car,
you see that backseat?
I gonna ride you
like a mechanical bull.
Run, then.
Come on, do something.
Hi.
Zombies.
Um, I'’m Az from London.
England.
As you can see,
there'’s not a lot
of meat on me.
Some noise?
It'’s not working!
Nobody ever listens to me!
Yes!
No. Maria?!
Maria!
I ain'’t got a plan B!
Let'’s go, let'’s go,
let'’s go, let'’s go, let'’s go.
Yeah, cool story, bro,
but you haven'’t been through
what we'’ve been through...
I'’ve loved and I'’ve lost.
-My sister'’s dead.
-Liz is dead?
How?
Shotgun to the kisser.
It might just be me
being stupid,
but I don'’t get how Liz
turned in the first place.
Was it the zombie
in the pool?
No, I checked
her entire body,
and there was
no sign of scratches.
She must have swallowed
some blood in the pool.
She'’s right.
It doesn'’t
just have to be a bite.
There'’s loads of ways
you can get infected.
Transfer of blood,
you know, unprotected sex.
Should have read
the leaflets, guys.
So, yeah, Jim,
if you did sleep with my sister,
you'’re infected, too.
But you didn'’t.
So you'’re not.
What?
Jim slept with your sister?
Watch it!
Right guys,
let'’s get to the beach.
So... all we have to do
is get through them.
Yeah.
That'’s,
quite a lot of zombies.
Not too many
we can'’t handle, though.
For fuck... use the machete,
not my fucking...
Slice him,
just slice him with the...
Go have a shower,
bitch!
Yeah.
Whoa! Then use them!
You fucking retard!
I have a machete!
Ellie, did you see...
Right now, we need...
That was my bad leg!
Another fucking retard!
Az,
this isn'’t a jet ski.
Well, it should
still get us there.
Maybe.
Hey, less talk,
more pedaling.
I'’m, this is it,
guys, game over.
What are you talking about?
We'’re nearly there.
No, man, it'’s the end for me.
I don'’t feel well.
I'’m... I'’m infected.
I'’m just gonna stay here.
It'’s just that crusty kebab
you had, you idiot.
No mate, I...
I fucked your sister.
I had sex with her.
I ran through her. I...
-You didn'’t fuck my sister.
-I did.
-You didn'’t.
-I did.
We swapped fluids, Alex.
We swapped fluids.
Okay, sorted.
You'’re staying here.
The rest of you,
get the fuck back on this thing.
Really, Jim.
You'’re not coming with us?
See you later, Jim.
Gonna miss you, man.
-Crazy Spanish lady.
-Brazilian, prick.
Yeah, I, mean,
it looked like at one stage,
you and I might have a thing,
but obviously I had Liz,
and she was always
my number-one priority,
and normally what I'’d do is,
I'’d fuck
both of you simultaneously.
You on a Monday,
her on a Tuesday.
Hey, bitch, just turn into
a fucking zombie so we can go.
Ellie.
Look after Alex for me, will ya?
He'’s probably...
he loves you, so you should
probably take him back.
Okay, James.
You... look after yourself.
And I wanted to let you know,
I don'’t actually think
you'’re that boring.
You'’ve actually been mildly
interesting on this holiday,
and sometimes I'’ve even
been thinking about you.
Not sexually or anything,
but just how are you?
-Hope you'’re safe
and stuff like that, so.
-Thanks.
Alex, man, it'’s been good,
but you know,
we just ran outta steam
on the home stretch like...
like the bobsled
in Cool Runnings
who ended up losing
to the Germans,
but there'’s no shame
in that cause they'’re
the best in the world
at the end of the day.
You'’re serious?
-Yeah, deadly serious.
-Well...
Do you want us
to kill you now?
I'’ll do it.
I'’ll do it.
Well, before you turn,
you know?
I think
I'’m just gonna see what
life'’s like as a zombie,
you know?
We really
appreciate this, James,
but if you could hurry up?
Yeah.
Thank fuck for that.
I thought it was gonna
fucking take all day.
Let'’s go.
That'’s it guys, you go.
Save yourselves.
Everyone just hold on!
Woo-hoo!
Tell the world
about what you'’ve seen here
and the atrocities,
and also remember
the sea has no backdoor.
Godspeed. Godspeed.
Hey, big man! Drink?
Jesus Christ, man,
you scared me.
You look like
a piña colada man.
No, no, there'’s a beach
full of zombies back there.
And I'’m feeling ill myself.
I'’m probably gonna turn, too.
You should get out of here.
Just head for the hills.
Chill. Chill.
Nothing you can do about now,
is there?
Jesus, I'’m sorry to see that.
That'’s really bad.
Pull up a stool.
What'’s your story?
I...
I had sex with a zombie.
You had sex with a zombie,
you dirty dog.
No, she wasn'’t a zombie
when I had sex,
she was still human,
but obviously,
-she was infected and stuff.
-Yeah, yeah, of course.
Well, what,
was she a girlfriend, or?
No, I wish.
She was
my best mate'’s sister.
But I'’d always fancied her,
so.
I'’ve got a...
actually, I can show you.
Nice.
That is one nice bottom,
my friend.
Yeah, well, I mean,
don'’t kid yourself,
she wanted it just as much
as I did, so.
What'’s the...
what'’s the point?
No point anymore.
I didn'’t even have sex with her.
But you just said you did
have sex with her.
Yeah, I know,
but she wanted to, and...
she took her top off,
put her hand on my leg,
and that was it,
it was... it was all over, man.
I didn'’t... I didn'’t even get
the chance to take off my pants.
Ooh, well,
don'’t worry about it.
I mean, you know,
it could happen to anyone.
Really, has it
ever happened to you?
No. Not me.
So anyway, if you didn'’t
have sex with her,
how come you'’re so sure
you'’re gonna be infected?
Well, I bloody kissed her,
didn'’t I?
It'’s all bodily fluids
at the end of the day, so.
You haven'’t been reading
the leaflets, have you, fella?
Here, look.
-So I'’m not infected?
-No, of course not.
Not from a bit
of saliva swapping.
I thought everybody
knew that.
I'’m not infected?
I'’m not infected!
I'’m not infected!
Yes!
Fuck, I'’m not infected.
I'’m not infected, fuck!
You okay, Alex?
Yeah. I'’m okay.
Liz isn'’t.
Jim isn'’t.
I'’ve got no one left.
I'’m here.
Me and you back together?
Well it was Big Jim'’s
dying wish, after all.
Things can'’t just go back
to how they were,
not after everything
that'’s happened.
But everything that'’s happened
has made me realize
how much I care about you.
I know,
and I care about you, too.
But things have changed.
I'’ve changed.
We all have.
Look, Alex,
what I'’m saying is,
I'’m glad you came
to save me.
Even if, you know,
it was actually me
that saved you in the end.
Well, it'’s the thought
that counts, right?
Yeah, I suppose it is.
So, yeah.
When we get home,
we can give it another go.
But if you fuck up again,
I'’ll stab you in the ear, right?
Right.
Right.
How terribly sweet.
Look,
a steps reunion.
So...
which one of you meddlesome kids
has the key to my boat?
Or is it you?
You skanky street dog.
Fuck you
- Bitch!
Charming.
How about you?
You little cock tease.
Have you got my keys?
If we give you the keys,
will you let us go?
What'’s say I let you
have my speedboat.
And you can take your chances
with the sharks.
-The sharks?
-Yes, you see,
they don'’t normally come
this close to shore,
but right now the sea'’s
full of walking corpses.
Anyway,
enough of this chitchat.
No, don'’t shoot her, please.
-No!
-Here, take your keys.
Thanks, cupcake.
Now, why don'’t you all form
a queue or something.
-It'’ll make you easier to shoot.
-You said you'’d let us go.
Well, I say a lot of things,
sunbeam.
Did you really think I was gonna
let you have my speedboat?
Just a second.
Who the fuck are you?
Some cheap champagne?
Yeah, talking of cheap.
Go and join your friends.
Now, right.
This...
this is gonna be fun.
Big shout out
to everyone in Ibiza...
You, Kenan and Kel
with the three bars, you call.
Right,
that is both offensive
and quite possibly racist
and...
but given the predicament
we find ourselves in,
I'’m not gonna retaliate
and say that I think
you look like one
of the Thunderbirds
with your long head
or anything,
I'’m just gonna go ahead
and call an ambulance.
Did me and Alex
not mention
that we were at a nightclub
that turned into a...
Rubbish!
Absolutely rubbish.
You'’ll have
to go through me first.
Don'’t worry,
I was planning to.
Do you mean
in a gay way?
Yes, I do.
Cut.
I know what you'’re thinking...
but, Jim,
I thought you were a player
and I didn'’t know you wanted
to get tied down
to just one bitch,
and, yes, ordinarily,
you'’d be right.
Normally what I'’d do is,
I'’d fuck both
of you simultaneously.
You on a Monday,
her on a Tuesday.
Back to your....
Sorry!
Alex, mate,
this is it, I mean,
It'’s been a long
and winding road.
We'’ve had some good
times, some bad times,
and just ran out of steam
on the home stretch
you know, like the bobsled
in Cool Runnings.
The bolt came loose,
and we lost to the Germans
just when we thought we'’d win,
but it'’s been good, man.
- You'’re serious?
- Yeah.
Well,
don'’t you want us to kill you
before you turn into
a zombie?
No, you wouldn'’t be able to.
You wouldn'’t be able to.
Right.
Okay, mate.
Cheers.
Fuck this.
Right, and we cut.
something special, Antonio.
But I can'’t work
with somebody I don'’t trust.
And I certainly
can'’t date...
somebody I don'’t trust.
No, no, shh, shh,
shh shh, shh, shh, shh.
I don'’t want to hear it.
The whole cargo
is fucking shark food!
Thanks to you.
You'’ve left me with no choice.
Don'’t worry.
I'’ll still be able to come
and watch you dance.
You didn'’t really think
I was going to shoot you,
did you?
Antonio!
You... you know
that'’s not my style.
Meet another ex-employee,
and, um,
whoops, ex-boyfriend,
sorry.
This is Kenneth.
Kenneth...
say hi to Antonio.
I'’ll leave you two
to get acquainted then.
It might get
a little awkward.
The Prime Minister
today declared
that the threat level
was significantly reduced...
The situation
was under complete control...
All I know is
that before they came over,
everything was fine...
A spokesman
for the Independence Party...
the spread of the virus on
Eastern European Immigrant...
Have you or
any member of your family
ever been bitten by a zombie?
Thought to be
a mutated strain of Ebola,
a spokesman today
dismissed concerns
that what many are
calling the zombie virus...
Chemical weapon
released by Islamic State...
The invasion
of a planet...
I think
it'’s the government...
Today the mayor defended
the Met Police'’s
shoot-to-kill policy...
Employed by
the government to contr...
It'’s got to be aliens...
Due to screening
for infections...
Big shout-out
goes to Ibiza this weekend.
Official reports say...
island is clear of infection,
but I'’ve seen a few
zombies there, you know?
Especially at six
in the morning.
The home
office has claimed
that security at airports
will remain tight
with enhanced bioscanning
and an increase
in armed security personal.
I don'’t trust those guys
not to shoot the wrong person.
Yeah, I reckon they probably
shot more drunk people
-than actually zombies.
-I don'’t even think there are
any zombies.
I'’ve never seen one, anyway.
Yeah, but you know
Dave Stunts from down Essex?
-Yeah.
-He reckons his cousin got bit
by one the other month.
Bollocks.
Who you texting, anyway?
-Who you texting?
-No one. No one.
You better not
be texting Ellie.
If I find out
you'’re texting
that frigid monster,
there'’ll be problems.
You'’ll have to get your
proctologist to text after that.
-What about that?
-Proctologist means ass doctor.
Come on,
we got a plane to catch.
-Wait, what about Az?
-What aboutAz?
Well, he'’s coming
with us, remember?
Yeah, sometimes
I wish we could
just forget about
Az all together.
Sorry.
I didn'’t touch ya.
Guys! Hey, guys.
Guys, I...
Sorry I'’m late,
been at the chemist.
Have you...
you read these?
It'’s all information on how to
stay safe abroad from infection.
No, you don'’t need
these stupid leaflets.
I know everything there
is to know about zombies.
Stick with me
and you'’ll be fine, let'’s go.
Excuse me, sir,
can you try again?
-Try again? Okay.
-Yes, please.
Well, I sure am happy
to be going on holiday
with you two happy fuckers,
Jesus Christ.
It'’s like a morgue in here.
The Zombie App says the island'’s
still clear of infection.
But is it full of hot bitches?
That'’s all I need to know.
Jim, I'’m not sure
if there'’s an app for that.
No, there is, it'’s called...
it'’s called Liz'’s Facebook page.
Your sister really
doesn'’t understand
her privacy settings,
does she mate?
Hold on second,
isn'’t that...
God, she'’s coming over.
Hide or something.
-Hi, Ellie.
-Hi, Alex.
What are you doing?
Well, this is awkward,
isn'’t it?
And weird, I mean,
here we are off to Ibiza
to bone so many sluts
our dicks
will probably fall off,
and yet you'’re here, too.
Have you come to wave
us off or something?
It'’s okay, James.
I won'’t cramp your style.
Or yours, Alex.
Don'’t worry.
I won'’t stand in the way
of you and your sluts.
Well, of course you won'’t
because, as I said,
we'’re going to Ibiza,
and, I don'’t know,
you'’re probably going somewhere
boring to do something
like build a school
in Somalia.
You haven'’t told them,
have you?
Sorry, told us what?
Yeah,
what haven'’t you told us?
I leave you to explain.
Just try not to sit too near me
on the plane, yeah?
This is
the final call for Ibiza...
Look...
I can explain.
It... it was like this.
So you ladies from England?
You have the
plaga de los muertos,
-That right?
-The what?
He means
the plague of the dead.
I sure do, my friend.
You English,
with your drinking
and your fucking
with no condoms.
It'’s a miracle you aren'’t
all zombies already.
We'’re fine, thanks.
They do checks
at the airport these days.
Some islanders wanted
to stop all flights,
all visitors,
keep this place pure.
But anyone who tells you
this island is pure
is a God damn lying
motherfucker.
Still, Torval is okay.
He has this.
Yeah.
Nice. Sawn-off.
I'’m nice with a shotty, too.
Done some of my
best work with her.
He means Call of Duty.
Yeah, well,
I'’m gonna be emptying
my own shotgun all weekend.
- I need my cock, obviously.
- Yeah!
How much further is it?
Nearly there.
It'’s right up in the hills.
Nice location.
No one to hear
your sexy screaming.
Yeah, well, you'’ll be
able to hear the bitches
that I bring back from
the next fucking village.
You wanna buy some drugs?
Hashish?
Cocaine?
MDMA?
No, thank you.
We'’re not really into that.
Nice one bringing
her along, mate.
She'’s already being
the bloody party police.
That'’s cool.
Drugs are bad for you.
Make your dick shrink.
Yeah, well, I mean,
don'’t mind her, mate.
She'’s not the boss of me.
I'’ll take one.
And, my dick'’s massive.
It'’s like a snake that'’s eaten
a Swiss roll or something.
Get out my van.
All of you.
You have arrived.
Thank God.
Bitches,
the party has arrived.
Who the fuck is that?
What the fuck?
Only been
here two minutes,
and I already got
a couple of bitches wet.
Hi, sis.
Hi, bro.
Look, can you tell your mate
to get out of the fucking pool?
He looks so... unhygienic.
You know what
your problem is, Antonio?
You need to relax.
Take a chill pill.
Open wide for daddy.
One... two... three.
There'’s a good boy.
Don'’t they teach you
to knock on doors
wherever the fuck
it is you come from?
He'’s dead? Antonio!
Him? Used to be.
Now he'’s just
another attraction.
You said no more.
No more stuff,
no more dancers.
I... I know what I said.
You see, Antonio here
was supposed to be in charge
of my supply chain,
bringing in 200 fresh
zombies from England,
but he made
a little error in judgment
and dumped the whole
fucking lot in the sea.
But you can'’t keep
doing this, Karl!
People will find out.
Really?
And how, exactly?
Are you going to tell on me?
Just remember,
there'’s always room
for more employees
in my collection.
Now...
why don'’t you...
get out there
and shake that cute
little ass of yours
and fill my club
with punters?
Do you get me?
And none
of your usual attitude.
Yes... boss.
can zombies swim?
What are you doing?
Standing there
just lurking.
Hi, Ellie, um, well,
I was just wondering if...
well, if you wanted
to come out
to the town with me
and the boys tonight.
And why would I want
to do that?
I think I'’ll just stay here
and wait for James
to tag the pictures
on Facebook.
It'’s not gonna be like that.
And... we wereon a break.
Look, Alex,
I don'’t care what you do.
You said I was boring.
Then the next thing I know,
a picture of you
and some random
pops up online.
How do you think
that made me feel, Alex?
I'’m not going through
that again.
Well, it... it was Big Jim
who said you were boring...
And it was Jim who took
the photo, I know that,
but it wasn'’t Jim
with his tongue
down some girl'’s throat,
was it?
Well, obviously.
Like that would ever happen.
Well, I thought that maybe
that you came to Ibiza
t-to maybe, you know,
get back together.
I came because you
were too tight
to change the name
on the ticket.
Look, you can go and be exciting
with your stupid mates,
but I'’m staying here
and being boring.
Jim, you said there'’d
be wireless here.
What are you
on the Internet for?
You can see lovely tits
if you just look outside.
I just wanna know
what'’s going on back home.
What if there'’s
been another attack?
For all we know,
England could be
completely overrun
by the plague.
Mate, we'’ve been away
for like three hours.
- Besides, you wanna
hope it doeskick off.
- Why?
"" because then
we'’d be stuck here on,
like, the ultimate party island
with those dirty bitches
tasked with restarting
the human race.
They'’d be obligated to shag us
which, for a guy like you,
is pretty much the only
chance you'’ve ever got
of seeing any action
with your little raisin dick.
Don'’t wanna know.
He'’s having imaginary sex
with one
of the girls outside.
-It'’s probably your sister.
-I said I don'’t wanna know.
-It isyour sister, mate.
-At least it'’s not Ellie.
It'’s not gonna be her,
is it?
Do you know what, mate,
I don'’t think we'’ve given you
nearly enough shit for inviting
your ex-girlfriend
on our lads holiday.
She wasn'’t my ex
when I invited her.
Even worse!
You'’re just lucky me and Az
are even talking to you after
pulling a stunt like that.
Did you temporarily
lose your mind or something?
Well, I... I thought it might be
a good idea
to combine a lads holiday with...
with a romantic holiday.
Are you fucking nuts?
Have you literally gone
full retard?
Can you even understand
the words that come out
of your mouth when you say them?
You'’re ridiculous.
It'’s not like you two know what
it'’s like to have a girlfriend.
That'’s because
I'’m a player, Alex,
and I don'’t like
to get tied down
to just one bitch,
you know that.
-Yeah, me too.
-What?
-What are you doing, anyway?
-Exercising, obviously.
It'’s always good
to get pumping
before you got out
to get some bitch to pump.
You always look bigger as well
when you'’re just fresh
from working out.
-Sure you wanna look
any bigger, Jim?
-Fuck off, mate.
This is all muscle.
Az, get on.
All right.
Fucking idiots.
You only need one
of the big ones anyway.
Any more than that and it'’s
actually counterproductive
and you'’re gonna lose
muscle density.
Whatever man.
Look, boys.
I say we get out of here
as quick as possible,
go to some bars,
hit some clubs,
and just get absolutely
fucking wankered.
Fuckin'’ A, first decent thing
you'’ve said since we got here.
Az, hurry up, man.
Lads?
Hi, girls, so,
me and Alex here
were just off to
the local nightclubs
to harvest them
for all the pussy
they can yield,
so don'’t wait up, ladies.
James, I don'’t give
a rat'’s ass what you do,
I just want Alex back
in one piece, all right?
So that means no drugs,
and if by some insane miracle
that you happen to pull a bird,
just be careful,
-if you know what I mean.
-No, it'’s not gonna...
I got this, mate,
I got this.
You... you don'’t need to worry
your pretty little head
about that, Liz, because
I actually happen to have
knob protection
in every flavor of the rainbow.
So you needn'’t worry,
I got your five a day
right here, you know?
I'’d actually rather rub sand
up my vagina.
Interesting you should say
that, Zara, because so would I.
So would I.
Anyway, we'’re off.
See you later, bitches.
Let'’s roll.
Az, you ready?
We'’re gonna go without you
if you'’re not careful.
Get a move on and you better not
be wanking again,
you disgusting little man!
Thanks for letting me
stay in with you tonight.
It'’s really good
to get out here and relax.
Sweetheart,
I'’ve been relaxing all day.
We'’re going out and partying
very hard tonight.
I thought you said we were
having a girlie night in?
No, I just said that to Alex
and his dickhead mates
so they didn'’t tag along.
No, tonight we'’re gonna go out,
and we'’re gonna get
- absolutely shit faced.
- Yeah.
Yep.
What?
I'’m... I'’m not used
to this sun, all right?
Az...
it'’s nearly dark,
and we'’re inside.
So? I'’d rather
be safe than sorry.
You look like you'’re in one
of them bukkake videos, mate.
You literally look
like 12 German blokes
split the cost of a room
in a youth hostel
just to jizz all over
your disgusting little body.
It'’s filthy.
And you smell like piña colada.
It smells better
than this tastes, though.
Tastes like piss.
Diseased piss.
You'’d know what
diseased piss tastes like.
I expect you'’ve sucked off
enough diseased penises
to last you a lifetime, Alex.
This is a little
invention of mine
I got the barman to mix up...
I call it the Big Jim, baby!
Inventive Jim.
So it isyour piss, then?
Yeah, yeah, there'’s a bit
of my spunk in there as well.
Anyway,
you need to drink up boys.
We need to be nice and toasted
for when we get
into them super clubs.
Jim, have you seen
the price of these clubs?
It'’s like 60 Euros
just to get in.
You'’re the tightest man
I'’ve ever met.
You'’re tighter
than your ex'’s vagina
and there'’s nothing
that'’s ever been up that.
- I'’m not tight, okay?
- Hi.
She is... but... I don'’t...
-will you stop talking about
Ellie, all right?
-Hi!
You'’re the one who'’s always
going on about her... hello.
Looking for somewhere
to party tonight?
Can you recommend
anywhere at all?
Yeah, I can.
I'’m the fucking promo girl!
Or do you think I choose
to wear this fucking T-shirt?!
Don'’t need to be so rude.
I think I'’m in love.
I think you'’re
in dream world.
I think we found
tonight'’s destination.
I just...
I just wish it was vampires.
Vampires?
You'’re so fucking random,
Zara.
Vampires are just,
you know, sexier.
If it was vampires,
I'’d be out there right now
with some pale Twilight dude
sticking his fangs
right into me.
Instead... zombies.
They'’re fucking disgusting.
Yeah.
Iwouldn'’t wanna be one,
and I sure as hell
wouldn'’t want to fuck one.
Well, at least
you do have somestandards.
Babe, you know I'’m not
some sort of mega slut.
Hola.
-Hola.
-Ooh, la, la.
So, um, Ellie.
First night in Ibiza.
- Anything tickle your fancy?
- No, I don'’t...
Nonsense.
You do with some hot lovin'’
to get you over, you know...
what'’s-his-name,
Liz'’s brother.
No, really, I'’m fine.
Bollocks on you.
Wait here.
Where...
where is she going?
I really don'’t know.
She'’s a force of nature,
that one.
If her pussy had a password,
it'’d be "password."
Thanks for letting me
hang out with you girls.
No worries,
no worries.
Look, I don'’t have
a clue what happened with you
and my dickhead little brother,
and to be honest,
I don'’t care as long
as we have a good time, Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Good.
Ladies?
the party
has officially begun.
-30 seconds?
-That definitely beats
- your personal best, Zara.
- Babe!
Um, Liz, Ellie darling?
Meet...
thingie and thingie.
Hey, hi, I'’m Rupert.
This is my good friend Todd.
You'’ll have to excuse
him, he'’s American.
Yeah, bro, I'’m having the best
night of my fucking life.
-Yeah.
-Get krunked up, baby!
Yeah.
I don'’t suppose you girls
fancy moving on, do you?
I know this cracking spot
to watch the sunset.
Really?
You boys
know how to read?
No fucking photos.
Hello.
I'’m, Karl.
Owner of the establishment.
So is this... is she...
is that a real zombie?
She'’s real all right.
Worked for me for years.
Only now
I don'’t have to pay her.
But I thought that the island
was clear from infection?
Well, you shouldn'’t believe
everything you read, cupcake.
On this island,
for the right price,
everything'’s available.
So what happens if you
feed '’em alcohol, then?
No, no, no. No.
No, we tend to pump
our dancers full of MDMA.
Keeps them chilled.
Means they'’re less
likely to bite.
Booze on the other hand...
bad vibes.
Gunter, why don'’t
we show these boys
how we motivate our dancers?
Yes, boss. My pleasure.
It'’s all in the timing.
Look.
Yes, quite.
Well, who'’s for a...
a proper drink?
You? Yes.
Piña coladas, maybe?
Pretty romantic?
Um... yeah, I suppose so.
Champagne,
a beautiful sunset,
and an even more
beautiful girl.
What more can a guy ask for...
-you okay?
-Yeah.
I'’m fine.
I'’m just not used to
all of this.
But it'’s something you could
get used to, right?
Yeah, maybe.
Fast going, Ellie.
Listen,
keep your knickers on.
we'’re going to the pool party
back our the house.
Woo-hoo! Pool party!
Are you all right, mate?
Yeah.
But it... it'’s too loud.
You know,
I'’m gonna go ask the DJ
if he'’ll play
a bit of Morrissey.
You know, with some real...
what'’s it named?
Lyrics!
It'’s that Karl bloke, mate.
He'’s be giving him free drinks
all night.
You don'’t reckon
he spiked '’em, do ya?
Or put a date rape
in his drink?
Do you reckon he'’s put
a date rape in all our drinks?
Probably, that'’s why I'’ve
been giving all my drinks
-to that zombie over there.
-Are you fucking mad?
Did you not hear
what the owner said?
I don'’t give a shit.
I wanna see what happens.
Anyway,
never mind that undead slut.
You see who'’s over there?
It'’s that bird from earlier.
She'’s definitely
getting down downstairs
thinking a meet with Big Jim,
do you know what I'’m saying?
Jim, it'’s her job
to flirt with guys
to get '’em into the club,
and she didn'’t even
bother with us.
Do you know what?
I'’m gonna be the
bigger man here, yeah?
You'’re the one
who'’s pining for his ex.
So why don'’t you go over there
and give it a go?
Well,
that'’s really generous of you.
Speaking of your ex,
she was looking pretty smoking
in that bikini of hers today.
Don'’t talk about Ellie
like that, all right?
It'’s bad enough
you perv on my sister.
Look, mate, if me and your
sister doend up gettin'’ it on,
which is entirely possible
given the way
she'’s been looking at me,
that'’s nature taking its course.
You can'’t hate on
a player for that.
In the meantime,
you need to get yourself
back on the minge horse,
get balls deep in some sluts.
Starting
with that one over there.
I don'’t want sluts!
Sorry.
I just want Ellie.
I want sluts.
What, you?
You and her?
Yeah, why not?
Go on mate, be my guest.
This'’ll be hilarious.
Bastard!
Great stuff.
Now, Maria,
don'’t insult the customers.
You know what, Karl?
You can stick your
shitty job into your ass!
You are not turning me into
one of your fucking zombies.
Crazy woman.
I have absolutely no idea
what she'’s talking about.
Let'’s get you another drink.
You okay, hon?
Yeah.
Just a bit pissed, you know?
I think I might go to bed.
No way, babe,
the night is young.
Plus, I swear that smoldering
guy had his eyes on you.
Nah.
Not interested in me.
Not with you girls around.
It'’s okay, hon.
Go hit the sack if you want.
Not everyone'’s made
for partying all night.
Fuck, yeah!
That'’s what I'’m taking about.
I took a couple of these
bitches back at the beach.
Let me tell you,
they are fucking singing to me.
Let'’s turn it up, baby!
Fuck yeah!
Last one in the pool'’s a loser!
Whoo! Fuck, yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
-Pool party Ibiza!
-Whoo!
- It'’s that guy.
- Yeah, off the telly.
Hey, everybody
having a good time?
Yeah, I was
until you turned up, you twat.
Thank you.
So, ladies and gentlemen!
On this night of nights,
I bring to you a spectacle
the likes of which
you'’ve never seen!
Well, not me, I'’ve seen
pretty much everything.
A show that will challenge
your minds,
your souls,
your very principles!
Again, I haven'’t got
any principles,
so it doesn'’t count for me.
And brace yourselves.
Let the entertainment begin!
I would love to cut
someone'’s arm off like that.
This is the second-greatest
thing I'’ve ever seen in my life.
As if you'’ve seen
anything better than this.
I saw a little bit
of your sister'’s nipple
- in the swimming pool
-I'’m gonna be sick.
Absolute twat.
-Is this the way out?!
-How am I supposed to know?
Shit!
She'’s too slippery, mate!
-Just leave her, she'’s dead.
-Let'’s not take any chances.
because if she wakes up
again and bites then...
just check.
She'’s definitely dead.
-She'’s dead, just leave her.
-No, she is dead, mate.
I'’ve got a bit of a semi.
Fine, absolutely fine,
let'’s go, let'’s just go.
That was nuts!
Can you just stop
enjoying yourself?
We just saw people get killed.
No, Alex, we just saw
people get killed by zombies.
That'’s different.
That'’s cooler.
No, it'’s fine, man.
They can'’t...
look, it'’s a push door.
Please don'’t...
please don'’t bite me.
Tell you what,
you'’re just perfect ho for that.
And I'’ll kiss
your friend as well.
Yeah, not the...
fuck off the guys, just the...
I'’m calling Ellie,
see if she'’s okay.
What are you
calling her for, man?
At this time of night,
she'’ll just be tucked up in bed,
lightly touching herself
to a Jane Austen novel.
Yeah.
Ellie, Ellie.
Leave it, okay?
You need to relax.
Okay, just relax.
She'’s not answering.
I'’ll call Liz.
Duh, she'’s not
gonna answer either.
Why not?
Because
she'’ll be lezzing off
with Zara, of course,
real life, not like a porno.
Babe,
he'’s not even looking.
-Losing your touch.
-Shut up.
This is unbelievable,
Miss Goody Two Shoes there
is like getting some action
whilst I'’m here lezzing
it off with you.
No offense, of course.
Shut up, Zara.
You wish you could have me.
Right, if I'’m not gonna get
any action,
I'’m gonna go to bed.
You gonna come into bed?
No, I think I might go
for a swim,
wait for Alex to get home.
If he finds out Ellie'’s
with that bloke,
he'’s gonna go mental.
Look, no offense
to your brother, babe,
but she deserves
to have some fun.
Yeah, I know.
I know my brother'’s
a little dickhead,
but I can'’t have him
getting any more pathetic
than what he already is.
Right.
I'’m gonna take this.
-Good night, babe.
-Good night.
My God,
this one'’s gonna have
a headache tomorrow.
So you'’re calling Az,
then?
-No.
-No? Well, what you doin'’?
Well, I'’ll call him then,
shall I?
For goodness sakes.
He should be home by now.
Come on, Az.
Something'’s wrong.
None of them are answering.
Right, we'’ve got to get
back to the villa now.
Come on!
Alex, man, come on!
Granted there are zombies,
damn it,
but the villa'’s miles away!
There'’s literally no chance
there'’ll be zombies
up there as well.
It does not stink
of rotten fish.
It'’s actually
a bloody nice kebab
made by a really nice
bloody kebab maker.
You'’re out of your mind.
Shit.
Fuck.
Fucking come.
Zombies in the nightclub.
Now zombies here.
What are the chances of that?
-It'’s madness.
-I told ya.
Maybe we could
just go back that bar,
get a few beers,
check out the birds.
No way!
Ellie'’s in there.
Yeah, maybe we could
just go back to that bar,
get a few beers,
check out the birds?
My sister'’s in there, too.
Did you just look at your penis
thinking about my sister?
-No.
-You... you did.
I didn'’t.
Definitely didn'’t. I didn'’t
We should...
we can get around the back.
-Yeah, fine.
-Come on.
Stop smiling,
you fucking son of bitch.
Can'’t believe you made me hold
this bloody kebab!
Yo, give it to me.
Just give me the kebab, Alex!
-I'’m gonna, I'’m gonna swing.
-Just give me the kebab
-and I will let you down.
-How are we gonna do this?
-You'’re just gonna hand it to...
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, okay, okay,
I'’m gonna give to you,
-I'’m gonna give it to you.
-Hand me the kebab.
-See, how easy was that?
-You almost
just bloody killed me.
Just given me
the kebab in the first place...
That doner'’s gonna be
the killer of us, man!
Shit!
Hands off my bloody doner!
Alex, do something!
Just throw the kebab.
Kebab might distract him.
No, Alex, you throw
yourkebab at him.
-Well, I haven'’t got a kebab.
-Well, then use something else.
-What?
-Use that!
Dude.
That is disgusting.
It'’s almost enough
to put me off my...
Come on, let'’s go.
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
Alex?
Yeah?
Did that zombie
just say "dude"?
No.
No, I mean, that was a...
that was a zombie growl,
wasn'’t it?
Yeah. Yeah.
That... that was
a zombie growl, wasn'’t it?
-Yeah.
-That was, yeah?
Yeah, definitely, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Zombie, definite zombie.
Jesus.
Thank God you'’re all right.
Yeah, we'’re fine.
But there are shit load
of zombies out there.
Whoa, did you mash up
a zombie, too, Liz?
-Is Ellie okay?
-Yeah, she'’s fine.
-Well, where is she?
-She'’s inside.
No, but I...
I wouldn'’t... I wouldn'’t...
- What, no hug for me?
- Fuck off.
-Do you wanna share this?
-Fuck off.
Fuck it, I have some
interracial stuff on my laptop.
I'’ll just have a wank instead.
Ellie! Ellie...
Dude, what the fuck?
This is totes not cool,
I just spent the last
long, arduous 20 minutes
on foreplay.
What? You said you
were a trained masseuse.
Alex, is that blood
on your shoes?
What the hell is going on?
Well... there'’s loads
of zombies outside.
A-and I'’ve had to kill some.
I come to warn you,
but I don'’t know why
I bothered now.
Look, this is total
bertie bollocks.
Okay, come on Ellie.
We'’ve got business to finish.
It'’s your turn
to give mea rubdown,
if you know what I mean,
and you, wanker,
if you interrupt us again,
I will knock
your bloody block off.
Alex,
are you telling the truth?
-Yeah.
-He is.
Zombies, thousands of them.
What... are you two...
that'’s a bit awkward, isn'’t it?
Shut up, Jim.
Look, there'’s not
thousands of '’em,
but there'’s at least 30
surrounding the house.
God.
Look, Ellie, if you'’re not
gonna nosh me off,
then I'’m getting out of here,
all right?
It'’s been fun guys,
but this is Rupes
saying sayonara.
I'’m gonna call a cab.
Like you'’re gonna
have any luck with that, mate.
There'’s a zombie
apocalypse outside.
You'’re not gonna have
any signal.
Three bars, actually.
Yeah, so do I.
That'’s weird.
Anyway, catch you around,
sugar tits.
By the way,
has anybody seen Todd?
Who'’s Todd?
Ciao, losers.
Look, never mind Todd.
Have you seen Az?
-He'’s nowhere to be found.
-Wasn'’t he with you?
You'’ve not lost him,
have you?
No. He said
he was coming back here.
Well, is one of you
gonna call him?
Jim can.
I... I haven'’t got any signal.
You'’re not gonna have any
signals on airplane mode.
Are you, Alex?
Such a tight bastard.
Thank you.
Voicemail,
he could be anywhere.
God.
His mom'’s gonna bloody kill us.
Does it hurt?
Of course it bloody well hurts.
Look at it.
Some madman just ate my phone
and took a piece of me with it.
Well, just chill, yeah?
And pleasetry not
to get blood on the sofa.
My deposit'’s already fucked.
-Is that supposed to be
some sort of joke?
-Have you seen the pool?
Look at him. He has to go.
He'’s gonna turn.
No way, piss off,
I'’m not leaving anywhere
unless it'’s in an ambulance.
You, Kenan and Kel
with three bars, you call one.
Right, that is both offensive
and probably also racist, right?
But given the situation
we find ourselves in...
They'’re not even answering,
anyway.
Did me and Alex not explain
that we came from a nightclub
that turned into
a zombie bloodbath earlier?
- They'’re probably busy.
-If we'’re not
gonna turf him out,
well... we'’re just gonna
have to kill '’em ourselves.
Alex, we'’re not
killing anyone.
-He'’s infected.
-Look, you prick.
Okay, I'’m sorry that
your girlfriend fancies me.
This is all getting a bit
too dramatic for my liking.
Ex-girlfriend.
And I don'’t fancy you.
- Come on.
- Um, guys?
I don'’t mean to alarm you,
but there'’s a bunch of ugly
motherfucking zombies
outside the villa.
Yeah, cheers, anyone got
anything constructive to say?
-We need to kill him.
-Alex,
we'’re not killing anybody.
W-wait, why are we even
discussing killing someone?
He'’s been bitten
by a zombie.
Well,
have you considered,
maybe amputating his hand?
What?
I need my bloody hand.
Wait, that...
that could work.
If we get to the infection
before it hits his brain.
G-girls.
Come on, you'’re not
gonna let him do this.
You can'’t chop
my fucking hand off.
Look, man, I'’ve had enough
of this, yeah?
You'’re doing my head in.
Five minutes ago,
it was your bloody hand.
Any more of your
little procrastination,
I'’m gonna have to take
more of your physique off.
Probably be
your whole arm next.
And any more delay,
it'’s gonna be your head.
I don'’t say this
very often,
but I think these
dickheads might be right.
Rupert,
it'’s your choice, all right?
We try amputating your hand,
or you leave now
and take your chances
with the zombies.
We can'’t risk you turning.
Ellie...
Okay. Okay.
Um...
just need to do
something first.
That'’s ketamine.
Five minutes time,
I won'’t be able to feel my arm.
I'’ll take that.
Alex, go and find
a knife or something.
Yes.
I actually think it might be
better if we just got a gun,
Like a shotgun and just took
the whole thing clean off.
Jim, if you can'’t say
anything fucking useful,
then just stay out of it.
Can'’t say anything useful,
How about...
ordering a bloody rescue,
getting us out of here?
Yo.
Hello, mate, hi, how you doing?
It'’s, it'’s Jim.
The guy that you picked up
with the other two guys
and the girl in the van
to take the villa earlier.
Yeah, um, I was just wondering
if maybe, I don'’t know,
you wanted to come up here
and sort of maybe rescue us?
No, man.
I ain'’t going nowhere.
Have you not looked outside?
That'’s some end-of-days shit,
right there.
Yeah, that'’s kind of what
I'’m calling you about, actually.
We'’ve... we'’ve sort
of got a few zombies
up here as well and stuff,
and I wondered if maybe
you wanted to come down here
and rescue us
and bring your shotgun?
I mean,
we'’ll pay you, obviously.
Has anyone got any money?
No, man.
Money'’s no good to me.
Not much you can
buy in an apocalypse.
You get me?
Yeah, right.
Yeah, he'’s not...
he'’s not having it.
Don'’t be long.
Do not be long.
Hello?
Who is this?
There are three
hot-ass bitches here.
Yeah? And we would
really appreciate it
if you came and rescued us.
And how do I know you are not
one of your English...
munters?
Munters?
Sir, look, I will send you
a photo, okay?
I don'’t care about your face.
I just wanna see your titties.
Titties?
All three of you.
And then maybe...
I'’ll think it over.
Um...
great.
Start your engine, thanks.
-Okay, take a photo.
-You sure about this, yeah?
-Yeah.
-Do you want me...
I should probably do this.
Fuck off, Jim.
Go help Alex or something.
Are we just gonna do tits?
What about some ass shots?
-We don'’t know what he likes.
-I mean it.
Yeah, okay.
Are you sure this
is a good idea, Zara?
This guy'’s a real creep.
Have you got a better idea?
Look, I'’m sorry for snapping,
but desperate times,
and these arethe only things
we can bargain with.
-Yep. Yeah, nice.
-Yeah?
Okay, your turn.
Fucking hurry up, Zar.
Hold on, I'’m just trying to get
the right Instagram filter.
Yep, got it.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Right, Ellie, pop them out.
What?
You can leave me out of it.
This might be our only way
out of here.
I'’m not texting some weirdo
topless pictures.
You girls didn'’t see
this guy earlier.
I really don'’t trust him.
He'’s not that bad, Ellie.
For God'’s sake.
Trust you to make
a big deal of it.
They'’re not even that big,
anyway.
You didn'’t mind getting them out
for this loser, did ya?
Look, Ellie, I-I'’m sorry.
Forget it, Alex!
You girls
can sort yourselves out.
I want no part of this.
Well done, lads.
I see why you'’re such
a fucking hit with the ladies.
Well this is great,
isn'’t it?
Where are we gonna find a
third pair of tits for him now?
you can all piss off.
Mama.
I feel fucking violated, man.
Get off me.
Guys, I don'’t mean
to interrupt a deep moment,
but his whole arm
is turning black.
Jim...
grab his arm, mate.
My pleasure, doctor.
Alex, are you sure
you know what you'’re doing?
-Do you want me to do it?
-No, no.
I'’ll do this.
I'’m gonna...
I'’m gonna go pack.
I think I'’m gonna be sick.
Fuck.
Fuck, shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Shit, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Hello?
Jim?
Alex?
Stay there.
Where'’s my other arm?
What are you doing?
Maybe we
should do this in the morning?
No, it'’s not breaking.
Jim?
Jim, just fucking smash it.
Just fucking break it.
Fucking Ellie.
Go, go, break it.
Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck.
Hello?
Hello.
Shit!
Watch the door!
Well, w-what about him?
I handle him.
Look out for Karl.
Hi, Karl!
We'’re down here.
Yeah, come on.
Well, aren'’t you
a sight for sore eyes.
Just in time, too,
I'’m about to fuck off the island
- before the cops turn up.
- Leave him alone.
He came back for me,
not for you.
Well, actually I was
just looking for a way out.
I hardly think he'’s gonna be
interested in... that.
So, what do you say,
young Az?
How do you fancy sailing off
into the sunset
on Uncle Karl'’s yacht?
Thanks for the offer.
And I really appreciate this.
And I'’m sure you'’re a...
a lovely man and everything,
But, you know, with
a and a?
Well, your loss.
If you'’re looking
for the yacht keys,
they'’re in that drawer.
Be a sweetheart
and throw them over, would you?
Thanks. Now...
Don'’t move,
you fucking freak.
Sorry, what are you gonna do?
Shoot me?
You?
The worst promo girl in Ibiza?
Yeah.
Ooh!
You see what'’s happened
there is...
I'’ve got the real gun.
Kind of similar,
aren'’t they?
Easy to get confused.
Now...
You'’ll have to go
through me first.
Don'’t worry.
I was planning to.
Do you mean
in like a gay way?
Sorry,
I'’m no good with innuendo.
Good night, sweetheart.
Thought you were supposed
to be looking after Rupert?
Chill, bitch.
Alex is looking after Rupert.
And Ellie'’s looking after Alex
to make sure
Alex doesn'’t cut any more
of Rupert'’s limbs off.
It'’s all fine.
What are you up to, anyway?
Come here.
I mean,
you know about all these...
things.
Do you think they
remember who they were?
Remember who they used to be?
I don'’t know.
They seem so...
sad.
We'’re going to end up
like that, aren'’t we?
You never know, it might be...
might be fun being a zombie.
Shut up, you twat.
You'’re supposed to be
making me feel better
and saying
it'’s all gonna be fine.
Sorry.
You really are
a useless prick, aren'’t ya?
Yeah, and you'’re a bossy cow.
With great tits, though.
Bossy?
Do you think I'’m bossy?
I'’m only trying
to look after everyone.
With great tits
come great responsibility.
Fuck, can you be serious
for just one minute?
Is there ever an end
to your bullshit?
No, I mean it, I mean,
we'’ve all got our roles.
I mean,
you'’re the kick-ass bitch.
-I'’m the funny one...
-Sorry...
the funny one?
You think
you'’re the funny one?
No, you'’re about
as funny as bowel cancer.
I thought the funny one
was that...
what'’s his name,
that little one?
I thought
he was the funny one.
-What, Az?
-Yeah.
No.
Suppose we probably should try
and find him, though, you know?
Hang on.
If I'’m not the funny one,
then what have I got left?
The fat one?
The one who'’s man boobs
you laugh at?
I don'’t know, who knows?
You might actually
be a nice person
underneath all that crap.
I just want to go home
and just...
s-see my parents, you know?
Zombie apocalypse
isn'’t all it'’s cracked up to be.
It'’s more...
more real, you know?
I know.
We'’ll be home soon.
No.
No. I know how
this is gonna end for me.
I'’m destined to be
an all-you-can-eat buffet
for... for zombies.
It'’s ironic, really, considering
that'’s the only thing
I'’ve ever been any good at
in my whole stupid life.
I'’m too young to die, Liz.
Too many all-you-can-eat buffets
yet to conquer.
Too many sluts to bang,
you know?
You might actually have a bit
of luck with the women
if you didn'’t call them sluts
and bitches all the time, James.
Just a bit of little friendly
advice for you there.
Nah, it doesn'’t matter
what I call them.
They'’re not interested in me.
Destined to die alone a virgin
on this stupid fucking island.
God,
I can'’t believe I'’m about to...
if you tell anyone this,
I will kill you.
I mean that,
I'’ll fucking kill you.
You saw the zombie in the pool.
You know I'’m capable.
Tell anyone what?
And I'’m doing this because
I actually think
we'’re not gonna live to see
another day on this island.
Jesus Christ, I can'’t
believe I'’m gonna do this.
God, I must be fucking ill.
Do what?
Look you dickhead, do you wanna
die a virgin or not?
No.
Alex, wake up.
What?
It'’s Rupert.
He'’s making noises.
Did that sound like a...
you know, a human groan
Or a zombie one?
I don'’t know,
you'’re the one who knows
what sound he makes
when he groans.
Leave it.
I'’m gonna check for a pulse.
Wait. Wait.
I'’ll do it.
Are you sure?
Well, yeah.
Well, if he does turn,
it could get quite nasty,
and I'’ve already killed
two zombies already,
so, well,
it shouldn'’t be too hard.
This macho stuff
does not suit you, Alex.
I can'’t... I can'’t
really feel anything.
Ellie, Ellie!
-Alex!
-Get the knife!
Get the knife!
Get the knife!
Brains!
Get him in the brains!
Brains! Not in the back of
the head, through the eye!
-Really?!
-Yes!
-I can'’t go through the eye!
-Wherever!
-Through the ear!
-Wherever!
Fuck off, Rupert,
you prick!
Ellie...
could you give us a hand?
Liz, Big Jim number two
has reawoken.
Ready for deployment.
We should probably
go again straightaway.
Liz. Liz, let'’s go.
Too hung over?
I think what you need
is probably some breakfast.
I'’ll just take
this opportunity to just...
That'’s a video.
That'’s lovely.
See that'’s what
I like about you.
is a normally
the big-titted bitches,
they don'’t have a good ass
unless they'’ve had implants,
but you,
you got both areas covered
which is why
I like you a lot, good stuff.
So is there anything
that I should get
while I'’m down at the fridge,
for us to incorporate
into the next part
of our sexual adventure?
I'’m talking things like
whipped cream, strawberries?
I think I saw chocolate mousse
down there, actually.
I'’ll surprise you.
Lovely day out there,
isn'’t it?
Shame we'’re not gonna see any of
it '’cause of all these zombies,
and obviously the fact
that I'’ll be in here
hanging out the back of you.
Jesus, all right.
Fuckin'’ Liz in the bed...
Liz, yeah,
suckin'’... suckin'’ me off
all damn night
and all through to the morning!
Taking it doggy style!
When I give it to
you doggy style,
I'’m begging for more,
a dirty bit...
-the fuck have you been up to?
-He turned.
I did tell you he would,
didn'’t I, come on.
Why the fuck
are you so cheerful?
You know Alex, just a post-sex
with Liz glow.
You know how it is.
I'’m just gonna go in there
and rustle up some breakfast,
-Sex makes you really hungry.
-James, we really haven'’t
got time for this now.
-We need to make a run for it.
-What about
the rescue I ordered?
Well, he'’s obviously
not coming, is he?
Come on, we need to get Liz
and Zara and get out of here.
Yeah, be my guest, go up
and get Liz, but I warn you,
she'’s looking pretty
shagged out about right now.
Can you just shut
the fuck up about my sister?
Jim, you'’ve had those condoms
in your pocket
since you were seven,
and I'’m pretty sure
they'’re gonna stay there
until the day you die.
Yeah, well,
that would be fine Alex,
except I didn'’t bother
using the condoms.
I barebacked her at her request,
and you should have seen me.
It was like
a prime silverback gorilla
going at a fucking lioness,
yeah?
And not just any gorilla.
It was like King Kong
fucking the sexy lioness
-out of Lion King.
-Fucking dick.
Look guys, can you have
this discussion somewhere else?
I really don'’t wanna stay
here a second longer.
Yeah, yeah.
Ellie'’s right.
We need to get out
of here as quick as possible
and somehow find Az.
Well, I just wish we had
some weapons, you know?
Just some real big sort of...
some guns coming out.
Yeah?
Real big guns?
- Yeah, just...
- Yeah?
This ain'’t Playstation, Jim.
Taxi.
Taxi for the titties.
Where are your
other lady friends?
you must be the taxi guy.
Guys, why have you
not packed yet?
We need to get out of here.
First,
Torval gets his sexy time.
Then we can all go
for a little ride.
That'’s the deal.
And a deal is a deal.
Excuse me.
We'’ve all had...
a very traumatic night, yes?
Now,
I have a banging headache,
and all we want
to do is go home.
Whoa, just don'’t point
that thing at me.
So where is she?
The one with the big...
brown...
boobies.
I find her myself.
You lot, don'’t move.
You can'’t.
Because I have the keys
to the van.
I could probably
just hot-wire it anyway,
- if you want me to.
- Shut up.
Anyways, I'’m not leaving
my sister with him.
Liz!
Liz...
Liz?
Alex, no, don'’t go in there.
Since when was my sister
a zombie?
Well, that'’s what
we all want to know.
No James, don'’t, we need
the keys to the van, remember?
She'’s my friend guys.
I'’ll do it.
She won'’t hurt me.
Liz?
It'’s your friend, Zar.
Remember?
Fuck.
Liz...
we had some good times,
didn'’t we?
Ayia Napa.
Magaluf.
Even that time in Skegness.
Liz, I need you to move.
I need to get those keys.
Liz, I really don'’t want
to do this.
Liz?
All right, guys,
we need to get to that van.
Yeah, sorry, who died
and put you in charge?
No, yeah, fair enough.
I'’m sorry about that, mate.
I didn'’t think
that through, that'’s...
As I was saying, I'’ve got
the keys so I'’m driving.
- Yeah, shotgun?
- What do you mean?
It doesn'’t matter
who sits where.
No, you dumb bitch.
Just give me the shotgun.
Here take it.
I don'’t want it.
Jim, the moment
you'’ve been waiting for.
You'’ve got the gun.
Now fucking shoot '’em!
All right, now what you
guys wanna think about here
is it'’s very important to keep
the butt of the gun tight
to your shoulder, otherwise
you'’ll do yourself an injury.
-James!
-All right, fucking hell.
James, I thought you said
you knew what you were doing!
Fucking Ellie,
for fuck'’s sake!
- For fuck'’s sake!
- For God'’s sake, just shoot!
Pull!
Shit, no, what are
the chances of that?
There'’s literally
no way that could happen.
-It just did!
-As if a bullet
would actually ignite...
My God!!
My fucking leg!
Look what you did
to my fucking leg!
-You motherfucker!
-Should we go back inside?
So this is it.
Our last stand.
Except some of us
can'’t actually stand.
- My fucking leg you...
- Gimme that!
We'’re gonna go out fighting!
Be my guest,
I'’ve used that shell anyway.
Any of you cats
order a rescue?
What the fuck did
you guys do to that?
So we going to the airport
then, yeah?
Airport'’s closed.
The whole island
is in quarantine.
So where are we going?
Chill guys.
We got the keys to a yacht.
It'’s anchored
a few miles offshore.
We get on that, and then we sail
back to the mainland.
Yeah, that all sounds great,
but if it'’s offshore,
how are we gonna
get there?
Some of us haven'’t got
the use of all of our limbs,
and I'’m pretty sure
I only got my 200-meter
swimming badge out of pity.
There'’s loads of speedboats
and jet skis at this beach.
Sounds like you got
it all figured out.
Where'’d you get all
this cool shit from, anyway?
Well, it'’s a pretty
amazing story, actually.
- My fuck...
- Shh!
Okay, you distract them.
I run to the car.
No, no.
You distract them.
I mean, you are more...
distracting.
Do you know how to drive
a limo?
Do you know
how to drive a limo?
No.
See?
If we get on that car,
you see that backseat?
I gonna ride you
like a mechanical bull.
Run, then.
Come on, do something.
Hi.
Zombies.
Um, I'’m Az from London.
England.
As you can see,
there'’s not a lot
of meat on me.
Some noise?
It'’s not working!
Nobody ever listens to me!
Yes!
No. Maria?!
Maria!
I ain'’t got a plan B!
Let'’s go, let'’s go,
let'’s go, let'’s go, let'’s go.
Yeah, cool story, bro,
but you haven'’t been through
what we'’ve been through...
I'’ve loved and I'’ve lost.
-My sister'’s dead.
-Liz is dead?
How?
Shotgun to the kisser.
It might just be me
being stupid,
but I don'’t get how Liz
turned in the first place.
Was it the zombie
in the pool?
No, I checked
her entire body,
and there was
no sign of scratches.
She must have swallowed
some blood in the pool.
She'’s right.
It doesn'’t
just have to be a bite.
There'’s loads of ways
you can get infected.
Transfer of blood,
you know, unprotected sex.
Should have read
the leaflets, guys.
So, yeah, Jim,
if you did sleep with my sister,
you'’re infected, too.
But you didn'’t.
So you'’re not.
What?
Jim slept with your sister?
Watch it!
Right guys,
let'’s get to the beach.
So... all we have to do
is get through them.
Yeah.
That'’s,
quite a lot of zombies.
Not too many
we can'’t handle, though.
For fuck... use the machete,
not my fucking...
Slice him,
just slice him with the...
Go have a shower,
bitch!
Yeah.
Whoa! Then use them!
You fucking retard!
I have a machete!
Ellie, did you see...
Right now, we need...
That was my bad leg!
Another fucking retard!
Az,
this isn'’t a jet ski.
Well, it should
still get us there.
Maybe.
Hey, less talk,
more pedaling.
I'’m, this is it,
guys, game over.
What are you talking about?
We'’re nearly there.
No, man, it'’s the end for me.
I don'’t feel well.
I'’m... I'’m infected.
I'’m just gonna stay here.
It'’s just that crusty kebab
you had, you idiot.
No mate, I...
I fucked your sister.
I had sex with her.
I ran through her. I...
-You didn'’t fuck my sister.
-I did.
-You didn'’t.
-I did.
We swapped fluids, Alex.
We swapped fluids.
Okay, sorted.
You'’re staying here.
The rest of you,
get the fuck back on this thing.
Really, Jim.
You'’re not coming with us?
See you later, Jim.
Gonna miss you, man.
-Crazy Spanish lady.
-Brazilian, prick.
Yeah, I, mean,
it looked like at one stage,
you and I might have a thing,
but obviously I had Liz,
and she was always
my number-one priority,
and normally what I'’d do is,
I'’d fuck
both of you simultaneously.
You on a Monday,
her on a Tuesday.
Hey, bitch, just turn into
a fucking zombie so we can go.
Ellie.
Look after Alex for me, will ya?
He'’s probably...
he loves you, so you should
probably take him back.
Okay, James.
You... look after yourself.
And I wanted to let you know,
I don'’t actually think
you'’re that boring.
You'’ve actually been mildly
interesting on this holiday,
and sometimes I'’ve even
been thinking about you.
Not sexually or anything,
but just how are you?
-Hope you'’re safe
and stuff like that, so.
-Thanks.
Alex, man, it'’s been good,
but you know,
we just ran outta steam
on the home stretch like...
like the bobsled
in Cool Runnings
who ended up losing
to the Germans,
but there'’s no shame
in that cause they'’re
the best in the world
at the end of the day.
You'’re serious?
-Yeah, deadly serious.
-Well...
Do you want us
to kill you now?
I'’ll do it.
I'’ll do it.
Well, before you turn,
you know?
I think
I'’m just gonna see what
life'’s like as a zombie,
you know?
We really
appreciate this, James,
but if you could hurry up?
Yeah.
Thank fuck for that.
I thought it was gonna
fucking take all day.
Let'’s go.
That'’s it guys, you go.
Save yourselves.
Everyone just hold on!
Woo-hoo!
Tell the world
about what you'’ve seen here
and the atrocities,
and also remember
the sea has no backdoor.
Godspeed. Godspeed.
Hey, big man! Drink?
Jesus Christ, man,
you scared me.
You look like
a piña colada man.
No, no, there'’s a beach
full of zombies back there.
And I'’m feeling ill myself.
I'’m probably gonna turn, too.
You should get out of here.
Just head for the hills.
Chill. Chill.
Nothing you can do about now,
is there?
Jesus, I'’m sorry to see that.
That'’s really bad.
Pull up a stool.
What'’s your story?
I...
I had sex with a zombie.
You had sex with a zombie,
you dirty dog.
No, she wasn'’t a zombie
when I had sex,
she was still human,
but obviously,
-she was infected and stuff.
-Yeah, yeah, of course.
Well, what,
was she a girlfriend, or?
No, I wish.
She was
my best mate'’s sister.
But I'’d always fancied her,
so.
I'’ve got a...
actually, I can show you.
Nice.
That is one nice bottom,
my friend.
Yeah, well, I mean,
don'’t kid yourself,
she wanted it just as much
as I did, so.
What'’s the...
what'’s the point?
No point anymore.
I didn'’t even have sex with her.
But you just said you did
have sex with her.
Yeah, I know,
but she wanted to, and...
she took her top off,
put her hand on my leg,
and that was it,
it was... it was all over, man.
I didn'’t... I didn'’t even get
the chance to take off my pants.
Ooh, well,
don'’t worry about it.
I mean, you know,
it could happen to anyone.
Really, has it
ever happened to you?
No. Not me.
So anyway, if you didn'’t
have sex with her,
how come you'’re so sure
you'’re gonna be infected?
Well, I bloody kissed her,
didn'’t I?
It'’s all bodily fluids
at the end of the day, so.
You haven'’t been reading
the leaflets, have you, fella?
Here, look.
-So I'’m not infected?
-No, of course not.
Not from a bit
of saliva swapping.
I thought everybody
knew that.
I'’m not infected?
I'’m not infected!
I'’m not infected!
Yes!
Fuck, I'’m not infected.
I'’m not infected, fuck!
You okay, Alex?
Yeah. I'’m okay.
Liz isn'’t.
Jim isn'’t.
I'’ve got no one left.
I'’m here.
Me and you back together?
Well it was Big Jim'’s
dying wish, after all.
Things can'’t just go back
to how they were,
not after everything
that'’s happened.
But everything that'’s happened
has made me realize
how much I care about you.
I know,
and I care about you, too.
But things have changed.
I'’ve changed.
We all have.
Look, Alex,
what I'’m saying is,
I'’m glad you came
to save me.
Even if, you know,
it was actually me
that saved you in the end.
Well, it'’s the thought
that counts, right?
Yeah, I suppose it is.
So, yeah.
When we get home,
we can give it another go.
But if you fuck up again,
I'’ll stab you in the ear, right?
Right.
Right.
How terribly sweet.
Look,
a steps reunion.
So...
which one of you meddlesome kids
has the key to my boat?
Or is it you?
You skanky street dog.
Fuck you
- Bitch!
Charming.
How about you?
You little cock tease.
Have you got my keys?
If we give you the keys,
will you let us go?
What'’s say I let you
have my speedboat.
And you can take your chances
with the sharks.
-The sharks?
-Yes, you see,
they don'’t normally come
this close to shore,
but right now the sea'’s
full of walking corpses.
Anyway,
enough of this chitchat.
No, don'’t shoot her, please.
-No!
-Here, take your keys.
Thanks, cupcake.
Now, why don'’t you all form
a queue or something.
-It'’ll make you easier to shoot.
-You said you'’d let us go.
Well, I say a lot of things,
sunbeam.
Did you really think I was gonna
let you have my speedboat?
Just a second.
Who the fuck are you?
Some cheap champagne?
Yeah, talking of cheap.
Go and join your friends.
Now, right.
This...
this is gonna be fun.
Big shout out
to everyone in Ibiza...
You, Kenan and Kel
with the three bars, you call.
Right,
that is both offensive
and quite possibly racist
and...
but given the predicament
we find ourselves in,
I'’m not gonna retaliate
and say that I think
you look like one
of the Thunderbirds
with your long head
or anything,
I'’m just gonna go ahead
and call an ambulance.
Did me and Alex
not mention
that we were at a nightclub
that turned into a...
Rubbish!
Absolutely rubbish.
You'’ll have
to go through me first.
Don'’t worry,
I was planning to.
Do you mean
in a gay way?
Yes, I do.
Cut.
I know what you'’re thinking...
but, Jim,
I thought you were a player
and I didn'’t know you wanted
to get tied down
to just one bitch,
and, yes, ordinarily,
you'’d be right.
Normally what I'’d do is,
I'’d fuck both
of you simultaneously.
You on a Monday,
her on a Tuesday.
Back to your....
Sorry!
Alex, mate,
this is it, I mean,
It'’s been a long
and winding road.
We'’ve had some good
times, some bad times,
and just ran out of steam
on the home stretch
you know, like the bobsled
in Cool Runnings.
The bolt came loose,
and we lost to the Germans
just when we thought we'’d win,
but it'’s been good, man.
- You'’re serious?
- Yeah.
Well,
don'’t you want us to kill you
before you turn into
a zombie?
No, you wouldn'’t be able to.
You wouldn'’t be able to.
Right.
Okay, mate.
Cheers.
Fuck this.
Right, and we cut.