Zombie Hamlet (2012) - full transcript

[handling microphone]

[muttering]

[coughs]

Okay, so this is the second
week of filming, and--

Oh, man!

[handling equipment]

Okay, flip it around.

No? All right.

Batteries in.

All right.

So...



- it's the second week of--
- [buzzing]

Come on. Really?

- [buzz]
- [groans]

Shoo!

Beat it, fly.

- Good morning, Lester.
- Good morning.

- [knocks]
- Hester!

Wakey, wakey.

Hester?

Hester.

Hester, it's check day.

Get some air in here.

Aw, you look very peaceful.

Hessy?



Hessy-- Uh-oh.

Dudes, we gotta
get rid of the donuts,

and get this stuff
called Johnny Cake.

Right? 'Cause--
What is it?

- What's going on?
- Uh-oh.

- What's the deal?
- She's dead.

- Yep.
- What?

Um, uh, no, no.

She's old, and she's sleeping
really, really hard.

No, she's dead.

- Oh, crap, Annabelle.
- Oh, no.

Someone's gotta go tell
Annabelle before she comes in--

Good morning, everybody.

Is something wrong?

Is there something wrong
with Aunt Hessy?

Oh, no!

- Aunt Hessy?
- I am so sorry.

She lived a very,
very long life.

She's shuffled off
this mortal coil.

And she wrote a beautiful book,
which will last forever.

This is getting good.

And she died peacefully
in her sleep,

which is all that we could ever
ask for when we die, right?

I know all that. I know.

What do we do
about the movie?

♪♪

Jerry is one of the few people
willing to hear your pitch

who can actually get the money
to make this movie.

- I know.
- You better not screw this up.

- I'm not gonna screw it up.
- Look at me.

Smile.

Let's do it.

- Hey!
- Oh, it's so good to see you!

- You look great!
- Thanks.

- You feel good, too!
- Okay, behave.

- You're old, and that's gross.
- So, the director.

Osric Taylor,
writer-director extraordinaire.

And Osric did that commercial
you loved so much last year.

With the chickens.

That was you?

That was me.

Oh, God.

They went and did it.

The maniacs went and did it!

They've flame-roasted it!
For the love of God!

♪ Uncle Benny's Chicken Shack ♪

[laughs]

- That was hilarious.
- Thank you.

It was supposed to be ironic.

It was hilarious.

- Okay.
- See? I told you.

Osric is the real deal.

Okay. Well, Ollie--

- Osric.
- Let's see what you got.

All right.

Hamlet.

And in kind of like an homage
to Gone with the Wind,

we fade out on Fortinbras
against a darkening sky.

[snap]

How many explosions?

- Cannonballs don't really ex--
- Five.

- Make it ten.
- Ten.

I like that slo-mo,
fast-mo stuff, like in 300.

- Done.
- Who's handling it?

Johnny Depp likes it,
as long as he has cast approval.

If he steps away,
Casey Affleck.

Nah, I don't like Depp
for this.

I think Affleck would be
perfect for this film.

- Yeah.
- What's your budget?

Streamline, 42 million.

Make it 24.

Okay, here's what we got--

No, we can do it. We'll cut
that second act battle scene.

That's the Battle of Antietam.

Combine
some characters together.

- Shakespeare.
- Explosions.

Lots of explosions.

We can make it work.

You can make this movie
for 24 million?

Yes.

- Yes?
- Yes.

- Yes!
- Yes!

- All right!
- All right.

How you doing?
Osric Taylor here

with world-famous producer
Kate Spangler, everybody.

You're not going to record every
minute detail of this, are you?

No, no.
Not every minute detail.

It's just Jerry said he wanted a
bunch of behind-the-scenes stuff

for the DVD package and,
you know, all that.

This is ridiculous.
You should've listened to me.

We should've went location
scouting during the day.

No, Hamlet's a ghost story.

Wanted to see it
when it was dark and gloomy.

There's a swamp
right here. How--

Oh, my God!
What was that?

I don't know.
What did you hit?

I don't know.
I don't think I hit anything.

Oh, my God!
What was that?

What was that?
I don't-- I don't know.

Oh, my God!

- What happened?
- Oh, crap.

I think something
took a bite out of this tire.

Oh, my God!
What was that?

Oh, my God!
It's an alligator!

No, Kate, don't run!
Didn't you see Jurassic Park?

Whoop!

- [gator roars]
- Aw, crap!

Kate, are you okay?

- Did you get that?
- Most of it.

Did you get me
falling in the mud?

That'd surely make
this making-of a classic!

No, Kate, listen.

Well, this is the address
they gave us.

[knocks]

Hello, hello!

Welcome to Twin Forks.
Come on in, honey.

Hi, I'm Osric Tay--

Oh, my goodness,
you poor thing!

My stars!
Whatever happened to you?

Did you fall and go splat?

What do you think?

Well, I think you did

because you're all muddy,

and you've lost
your pretty manners.

Uh, I-I'm Osric Taylor.

- Oh, how do you do?
- Hello.

Are you filming already?

Yeah, it's
the behind-the-scenes.

Oh, well, I guess so.
All right, come on in.

I want to show you
my beautiful home here.

Look at this.

This is what we call
the grand hallway.

You have got a beautiful house,
Miss Beauchamps.

Oh, thank you so much.

The staircase there, you see,

has beautiful paintings
all the way up.

Hello.
Welcome to Twin Forks.

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da ♪

Annabelle. Uh...

She's got...

Darling,
this is Miss Spangler.

Get the dear lady some towels
so she can clean up, would you?

Oh, sure thing.
Y'all just wait right here,

and I'll be right back.

- Sweet girl.
- Annabelle is my niece.

Well, actually,
she's my great-niece,

but that makes me feel
so old, so...

Sometimes
I call her my sister.

That is a great book.
It's a classic.

The Sudden Dawn
is my favorite book.

Thank you very much.

No.

You're Helene Beauchamps?

Uh-huh.

In 1963, Helene Beauchamps,

known privately as
Hester Beauchamps,

wrote the American
Pulitzer Prize-winning novel,

The Sudden Dawn,

only to vanish into obscurity,
never to write again.

Yes, I thought that "Helene"
sounded sexier than "Hester."

Oh, my God.

Well, you know she's an author.

And being a producer, I meet
famous people all the time,

so it's not like
I'm starstruck.

I must've read The Sudden Dawn
a dozen times.

I mean, oh, my God,
when Tuck finally returns

and surprises Sophia
in the greenhouse?

Oh, that is so romantic.

Oh, thank you, darling.

But why did you
stop writing?

Well, you know, the book
was all about falling in love.

After my dear husband,
Mr. Beauchamps,

after he died, well, there was
just nothing to write about.

- Wow.
- Mr. Taylor,

do you want
a tour of the house?

Okay.

Let's take
a tour of the house.

Wow. This house is amazing.

Well, Twin Forks is part of
the underground railroad.

There's secret passages
all over the house.

And here's
my Aunt Hessy's bedroom.

Look at this room.

So, Mr. Taylor,

would you like me to show you
one of these passageways?

- Uh, maybe later.
- Aw, come on!

Don't you want to be amazed?

Uh...

Surprise, surprise!

So they pulled you into this
nonsense, too, huh, Annabelle?

I just wanted to play
with the camera.

You know, they might shoot
a movie here, Edgar!

Yeah, maybe.

Osric, this is Edgar Mortimer.

He is my attorney,
my business manager,

and he is the district attorney
of Bethulia Parish.

This is Louisiana,
and I'm a Louisiana lawyer.

Do you get me?

I smell a rat in here.

Well, it's a pleasure
to meet you, sir.

What exactly
are you telling me?

I just got through about
half of this script,

and I'm telling you,
the story is a real yawn.

I think we ought to put
the brakes on this thing.

Jerry, we are already here
right now.

Look, I've already shuffled
the money to another project.

Jerry, you cannot do this to me!

Don't worry about it.
Listen.

The kid is hilarious.

I mean, let's not forget
the chicken commercial.

Fine. Fine!

Uh, what was that?

- It's over.
- What do you mean?

- The movie, it's done.
- They pulled the plug?

Yes! I've two years
into this thing,

and it's dead.

We need to go.
I am so sorry.

Your home is so beautiful.

It'd be great to shoot here,
but it's just not gonna work.

Please, you can't leave!

You've got to shoot
the movie here!

No, we gotta go.

I need that camera back.

Perhaps I could
lend you the money.

- No, Hester, that--
- Do you have $24 million?

- No, I was thinking $300,000.
- What? No, Hester.

- 300,000.
- 300,000?

If Annabelle
could be in the picture.

- Auntie, stop.
- She's an excellent actress.

You are not throwing
your good money

after some foolish
Hollywood movie.

Who would even pay to see
a movie about Shakespeare?

Exactly, and with
a budget like that,

it'd be some stupid,
dumbass zombie movie.

- Zombie?
- No, wait, wait.

Wait a minute.
Yeah, think about it.

Okay?

Zombies are hot!
You know?

And it's kind of where
Shakespeare was going anyway.

All that
Team Edward, Team Jacob stuff.

Those are vampires.

This is insane.

No, Kate, listen. I mean,
think about it. Picture it.

Okay, you got Hamlet,

then you take the Civil War,

and then you throw in
some zombies.

- Here come the zombies!
- This is so exciting.

We're here at
the moment of creation.

We open like Kubrick.

Or maybe we go with
more of a sweeping majesty,

like Spielberg would do it.

Doubt truth to be a lie,
but never doubt my love.

[growling]

Angels and ministers of Christ,
defend us!

The heck with that!
Let's make some money.

We want Michael Bay.

Ophelia! Behind you!

[imitates explosion]

My, oh, my!

Those ideas are great!

But how are you
gonna do it, Osric?

Uh, well, I'd have to find
my own approach.

I'm sure it'd be amazing.

Edgar, draw up the contract.

For what? You can't afford
to produce a movie.

Well, I can't afford not to.

This movie is gonna be
so exciting!

Yeah, I think
this is gonna work.

This climactic battle scene,
okay?

So we're gonna have Hamlet,

and he's taking his zombie army,
and he's marching--

- Uh, no.
- What do you mean, no?

We have a budget for eight,
maybe ten extras if we're lucky.

Look.

Are you folding my storyboard?

Yeah.

That works.

[sighs]

Okay, don't get frustrated,
throwing pencils.

You're the one that agreed
to do a zombie movie.

No, I agreed to do Hamlet.

Uh, and zombies are just
kind of a component of Hamlet.

It's a zombie Hamlet.
It's Zombie Hamlet.

- It's a zombie Hamlet take.
- It's Zombie Hamlet.

I already know what
the DVD cover's gonna look like!

Yeah.

Yeah.

[knocking]

Oh, geez!

- Is that a zombie?
- Yeah, I think so.

No, hey!
Hold on, guys!

My name's Lester.
I'm friends with Annabelle.

I'm the new makeup guy.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to frighten you.

I'm just trying to--

Uh...

Annabelle didn't call you,
did she?

- No.
- [chuckles]

You must think
I'm crazy right now.

You're Osric Taylor,
you're the Hollywood guy?

- Yeah.
- Um, I'm Lester.

Just Lester and, uh--

Hold on. Let me get
this junk off my face.

[laughs]

And, uh...

I want to be in your movie.

So what do you think
of Lester?

I think you got
a great energy.

Got a great energy.
You're very, uh--

You know, just--

Well, when I first met you,

I actually thought
you were mildly retarded.

I want to be in your movie.

I want to work in your movie.

I do makeup.

- Apparently.
- Yeah.

Um...

He's not bad.

You gotta help me, man.

I mean, you gotta help me
get outta here.

You gotta help me
get out of Bethulia.

People here are
endlessly hospitable,

and they treat me like
I'm some sort of freak.

- Yeah.
- Come on, man.

Look at the serendipity here.

We got zombies and Bethulia,
and there's me and you,

and it's like fate
or something.

Jesus wants this to happen.

All right, I'm cheap.
I'll do it cheap.

- Okay, cheap's good.
- Oh, yeah, cheap is--

Yeah!

Hah!
[laughs]

I'm out of Bethulia!

But I'm gonna need you,

in addition to all the zombie
makeup and everything else,

you're gonna need to do this
behind-the-scenes kinda stuff.

Just take the camera,
follow us around.

You know, that kind of thing.

It's not really-- It's not
really my thing, though.

Okay, which way do you
hold this thing?

Uh, the other way around.
There you go.

Okay.

- No.
- So you turn it on here.

- No, that's not it.
- How do you turn it on?

It's already on, actually.
You're rolling.

- Where's the focus on this?
- It's right here.

And the zoom is there.

Ah!

- Rockin'.
- You got it upside-down.

Yeah.

Who's this lady right here
with the microphone and the--

That's Shine Reynolds.

♪♪

♪ Shine Reynolds ♪

That's right.
It is time for everyone's

favorite gossip gal,
Shine Reynolds.

That's right, Dan.
and it looks like Tinseltown

is coming to our town.

And you know how
I love tinsel.

Yes, I do.

Shine Reynolds,
well, give us the scope!

- Scoop.
- What?

Shine?

That's right, gang.

Hollywood has come to Bethulia.

Behind me,

local icon, Hester Beauchamps,

is giving the director

the first check for production.

My darling Osric,
with my pleasure.

[laughs]
Let the auditions begin!

Isn't that something?

Can't you just feel the thrill?

Oh, gosh!
I think I'm coming down

with a little case
of Hollywood fever.

Next!

Oh!

What a nobler mind o'erthrow...

Line?

O, what a noble mind
is here o'erthrown.

The courtier's, soldier's,
scholar's, eye, tongue, sword.

Oh!

What a nobler mind
is here o'erthrown.

The courtier's, scholar's...

Line?

Thank you.

We're gonna call you
when we're--

When we've made a decision.

And we appreciate all the
protecting and all the serving.

Next!

Alas, poor Yorick.
I knew him, Horatio.

O, what a noble mind
is here o'erthrown.

O, what a noble mind
is here--

Wait, wait, wait.

- What?
- Well, that's the part where...

Hamlet has behaved very badly,

and Ophelia
is bemoaning her fate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I get all that. I know.

We've cast Ophelia.

We've cast Ophelia already.

That's really
what I was gonna say.

How-- How could you do that?

I&

Thank you very much.

And here hung those lips
that I have kissed.

He should not kiss that pig.

Courtier's, soldier's,
scholar's, eye, tongue, sword.

- The expectancy--
- Dude!

Seriously? Ophelia?

Yes, Ophelia.

Ophelia!

As it was
in the Globe Theatre,

where the men
played all the parts.

Okay, I understand all that.

I've done it before. I played
Juliet in Romeo and Juliet.

You've got a be--
He's got a beard.

I can wax.

- Okay--
- We've cast Ophelia.

So you're going for
Hollywood hackery.

We can probably fill some
of the smaller parts locally,

but let's face facts.

They had a hard time finding
a decent Hamlet in London.

- Hessy, hello.
- Morning.

Hello, sisters.

Now we're still on
for gin rummy, right?

You haven't gone
all Hollywood on us?

Oh, well, yes,
I have gone all Hollywood.

But I'm still up
for gin rummy.

Well, you have your people
call our people.

See you then.
[giggling]

Bye-bye!

Now, Osric, darling,
for your Hamlet,

Edgar is gonna want somebody
at least a little bit famous.

Look! Speak of the devil,
there's Edgar.

Say, Mr. Taylor.
I'd like a word with you.

Step into the car.

Now, don't you harass the boy.

No, I just want to tell him
what's what.

Um, I'll be all right.

All right.

Alone.

What? No.
I'm documenting everything.

Uh, Lester, it's okay.

Okay, fine, but I want this
to go on record

that it goes against
all my documentarian codes.

What documentarian code
you talkin' about, boy?

Two weeks ago,
you was scrubbin' pigeon poop

off of William Claiborne's
statue.

Now get your documentarian ass
on outta here.

I-- Yeah.

If we can get him here,
that would be great.

I've been knowing Hester
for 50 years, and I love her.

I'll tell you something. If
something was to happen to her,

if you was to hurt her
even just a little bit,

boy, I'd have to take you
down to the swamp,

cut your legs off,

cut your arms off,
cut your feet off,

and introduce all sorts of
strange things to your body.

[panting]

Dip you in meat sauce
and feed you to the gators,

you understand me?

Wait a minute.
Are you threatening me?

No, son, that's a promise.
That ain't no threat.

Well, I'm actually
recording this.

Well, record this, then.

This is Louisiana,
and I'm a Louisiana lawyer,

and I can do any damn thing
I want to do.

Must... keep... in... frame.

You hear me?
Do you get me?

- Yeah, yeah.
- You got it?

- I gotcha.
- All right, then.

We got a good understanding.
Now give me that damn phone!

[clattering]

Oh, look!

What the hell?

- Howdy, folks!
- Oh, my!

Is that really you?

Zack Buckley.

I'm not hidin',

but you better start runnin'.

Howdy, folks.

You must be Osric.

Oh, it's a real movie star
here in Bethulia!

Hey, Kate.

Um, Zack and I had a...

We had a pretty serious
relationship.

Oh, you're so precious!

Big fan, big fan.

So I hear that you guys
are doing Hamlet.

We are doing Hamlet.
How did you--

How does he know
that we're doing--

It's not precisely
an old-fashioned Hamlet.

Exactly.
I mean, exactly, all right?

Not old-fashioned, but new.

Zombie, all right?

I've been waiting to do Hamlet
for years, right?

But I never had
that unique take on it,

and that's--
that's my thing.

All right, I take a part,
and I make it mine.

He does very well
at that, too.

You know, and this is it.
Hamlet, all right?

Hamlet, zombie.
Zombie Hamlet.

- Think about it.
- Yeah.

- Are you thinking about it?
- Yep.

No, really, though.
Are you thinking about it?

I'm thinking about it.
Yeah.

So usually Hamlet is on
the side of the dead, all right?

And his father's a ghost.

This is literally of the dead.

Well, the undead.
You get my drift, right?

That's great stuff.

The thing is, I'm sorry.
We can't afford you.

I work for scale, bro.

You just have to fill out
this form for the IRS

because, well, they get
95% of everything I make.

Bastards.

- Well, I vote yes.
- Okay.

Well, it's just--
The thing, Hester, is, uh...

that's the usually the kind
of role Zack Buckley does.

- He's usually more of a--
- Who cares?

Are you kiddin' me?
With him in the movie,

at least we know we get
this pipe dream released.

Zack.

You got to at least
let him audition.

Uh, all right.

Zack Buckley
doing Shakespeare.

I could play any part.
You know what?

Matter of fact, dude,
I should play multiple parts.

Yeah? Hmm...

I can even play Polonius.

Kate, can you play Ophelia?

Okay.

Excuse me.

Neither a borrower
nor a lender be...

Loan oft loses itself
and friends,

and borrowing dulls
the edges of husbandry.

- Okay--
- Great, fantastic.

[clapping continues]

Uh, Zack, can you let us
talk for a minute?

- Just kinda...
- I'll just go over there.

I can't believe
you called him.

- We are dying here.
- He's your ex-boyfriend.

Oh, come on.
I'm completely over him.

We are done,
and we've moved on,

and that's that.

Uh, if I was gonna pick
the worst actor to play Hamlet?

Uh, Hulk Hogan.

Close second would be...
Zack Buckley.

Here's the deal.

Either you hire him,
or I'll hire him.

And I'll fire you, too.

Oh!

We found our Hamlet!

[clapping]

[excited chatter]

Is my-- Is my mic on?
Hello?

We have, uh,
me shooting life,

shooting art, which is...

If you follow that,
I'm shooting--

I'm life shooting art,

and art is being created
in Zombie Hamlet.

So if you want to
look at it like that,

then yes,
life imitates art.

♪♪ [rock]

- You ready, Lester?
- Oh, yeah! Totally ready.

Showtime.

I was just outside shooting
all kinds of stuff.

- Pardon me.
- Yeah.

Have you read this?

Of course I have.
I wrote it.

- Figures.
- Rifle.

How are we supposed
to get our money back

if nobody understands what
the hell the actors are saying?

It's Shakespeare.

It's true,
it's Shakespeare.

People have certain
expectations.

Tell you what, then.

Take out
all the talky-talky stuff,

then it might be okay.

It's Shakespeare!

Not yet, it isn't, hmm?

You hear me?
Do you get me?

Uh, I think I might have
a solution, gentlemen.

'Tis now the very
witching time of night,

when the churchyards yawn

and hell itself breathes
contagion to this world.

Sir, that father comes hence.

Nay! Not my father.

Pray, my mother's husband,

a little less than kin
and more than kind.

Nay, thou father!

[growling]

Hamlet!

Father?

And cut!
That was great. Perfect.

Uh, we're gonna go.

Bravo, bravo!

Wonderful, everybody.

Well, sometimes as a producer,

we say things to get ourselves
out of a bind.

And then it just ends up being
really, really, really terrible.

O, what a noble mind is here.

O'erthrown by zombie madness!

The courtier's, soldier's,
scholar's--

- Hey, Annabelle.
- Hey, Lester.

- How are you?
- I'm good.

You know, they're shooting
my big scene today.

- Yes!
- Annabelle, come on.

- We gotta get you into makeup.
- Okay, okay.

- Well, wish me luck, Lester.
- Good luck, Annabelle.

- And so, this--
- Lester!

- Yes?
- Makeup.

- Okay.
- That's you.

That is me, that is me.

♪♪ [rock]

Action!

I say, to a cemetery.

Go.

O, what noble mind is here
o'erthrown by zombie madness.

Eye, tongue, sword.

The expectancy.

So, Kate, hey!

How did, uh, Annabelle do
in her big scene?

She was interesting.

- Oh, got some conflict here.
- Hey, Lester.

Hey, man,
you got your check, yet?

Now, you know they put
a three-week hold on my check.

Yea, mine, too.
What's up with that?

Let's ask Kate.

- Hey, Kate!
- Yeah, Kate!

So, Hester has invited us up
for a late night chat,

so I'm going to film this
as artistically as possible.

We start with
the establishing shot,

as we crossfade into
the Citizen Kane angle.

Lester, you don't have
to get all fancy.

It's just a making-of
documentary.

No, the documentarian
follows his instincts.

Okay.

Annabelle, would you serve me
my voodoo juice?

Uh, can I ask you
what that's for?

May I take a look at it
real quick?

Wow! What--
What is in there?

Oh, bayou herbs,
voodoo magic,

and, um, absinthe.

Hand it to me, darling.

I just want
to tell you, Osric.

Now, I know that you will
make a brilliant film

if you find yourself
along the way.

Wow.

Thank you.

Annabelle, hit me again.

Hester.

- What's going on?
- Uh-oh.

- What's the deal?
- She's dead.

- Yep.
- I know dead, dude.

I played eleven assassins
and two serial killers.

Are you sure you gave her
the right medicine last night?

What?

I didn't give her the medicine.
She took her own medicine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No need to get defensive, dude.

I'm not getting defensive.

There's nothing to get
defensive about, right?

Morning, everybody.

Is there something wrong
with Aunt Hessy?

Oh, no!

- Aunt Hessy?
- I am so sorry.

She's shuffled off
this mortal coil.

I know, I know all that,
I know.

But what do we do
about the movie?

Bethulia Gators, 27,

Montgomery Swamp Rats, 12.

And that's it for sports.

Now for a story
about dropping the ball,

with Shine Reynolds. Pam?

Well, that's right, Dan.
It seems that, uh...

Shine Reynolds
missed the big story

when action-movie star
Zack Buckley came to town.

Let's see if she can hit
the mark on her next story.

This is the first day

of the second week of filming,

and we are gonna
bring it all to you.

I've got something that
I'm sure they're gonna love.

So we're just gonna
go surprise them.

How 'bout that? Come on.

We need to think fast.

Without Hessy's money,
it's over.

Hey, what's this?

There's something
back here, guys.

- It's a check.
- How much?

$100,000.

It's the second week's check.
Of course.

Look, this is a sign.

She would want us to finish.
I know it.

Guys, Edgar would kick us out
and lock the mansion down

as soon as he found out
that she was gone.

When he finds out she's gone.

- Turn it off!
- Not a chance in hell!

- Where you going?
- No way!

Give me the camera, Lester!

I'm a documentarian,
and this is my life's calling.

I had to show you
how to use the focus!

Think of all the DVDs we're
gonna sell with this footage.

You can't show this to anyone.

Not before we start the
marketing push for opening week.

What?

I'm just gonna go right in.

Why? Because that's what I do.

Okay. Okay, this is
what we're gonna do.

We're gonna tell everybody
that she's sick,

and no one's gonna notice
what's going on

with all the moviemaking stuff,

and then as soon as we wrap,

we'll just discover the body,

and then we'll call the cops.

Why do I have the sinking
feeling you've done this before?

Oh, stop it!
Just stay focused.

Okay. Let's say we did
this awful, awful thing.

Um, what do we do
with her earthly remains?

Put her in a freezer.
Then it'll be hard to figure out

the T.O.D.

- What?
- The time of death.

- I did it in Bangkok Bullet.
- Of course you did.

As soon as I get the T.O.D.,

you're going down, girl.

- You'll never get the T.O.D.
- Why is that?

Because the body been
in the freezer too long.

All right, look, you see?
We're good.

Guys, this is becoming a farce.

I'm sorry,
but Annabelle was right.

Hester would not care where her
body spends the next three days

if it meant that we get to
finish making Zombie Hamlet.

We're doing this for her.

Hester!

- Hester.
- Hester.

Go, Hester!

Wait, I'll grab her--

I don't care how good
Zombie Hamlet is.

My documentary's
gonna be amazing!

We'll gently put her
in the freezer, Annabelle,

and we'll be
really careful with her.

It's a big freezer, okay?

Let's just get this movie done.

Okay, Annabelle, I need you
to move everything--

Hey, there you are.

Well, what's rockin'?

Shine, what are you doing here?

I have got to speak
to your director.

I have an offer of a lifetime.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, there is our director.

Hi. Morning.

Is there something wrong?

No! No, it's our first day off,
so everything--

We're all just really
frazzled, you know.

- A lot of dailies.
- Oh, well, sure.

- Listen to this.
- Okay.

I convinced my station

to hire a whole crew

to come in
and film your last week.

Oh, um...

Great press, lots of publicity.
It'll be fabulous.

That sounds so great,
but we can't do it 'cause, uh...

- Closed set.
- Because it's a closed set.

We're closing the set.

That doesn't really make sense.

No, it does 'cause we can't--
The crew---

We can't confuse the crew with
too many-- too many cameras.

Do you want to fail?

What?

I mean, zombies, Hamlet,

Civil War thing.

Then no one can blame you
if you fail.

Look, you are
way off the mark, dude.

- Dude?
- Yes, this man is creating art.

He has stretched Billy S.
beyond the grave

and into a mortal undead.

Billy S.?

All right, look,
you are out of touch, lady.

And how could you know
Shakespeare?

All you play are hitmen
and serial killers.

How about Macbeth?

M-M-Macbeth?

Macbeth!

Macbeth!

Iago.

Totally.
A serial killer nowadays.

- Totally.
- Totally.

Richard III.

Don't even get me started
talking about Richard III.

Exactly, dude!
I mean, that's what I'm sayin'.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

All right.

So in that vein,

we're gonna
get back to work,

so if you could,
uh, uh, uh, just go.

It's time to go.

- What?
- Uh, yeah, just--

We gotta get to--
Just see if--

It's the front door.
That way.

Uh, thank you.
It's always good to see you.

- Come on, Scott.
- Bye, Scott.

I'm going.

All right, bye, guys.

No, no. Don't turn around.
Just keep going.

- When you go--
- I know how to go out!

Okay, okay.

[door closes]

- Wow.
- What?

Okay, you guys
empty the freezer and, uh...

Uh, Zack, thank you.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, crap. You think you could
throw one at a time?

Okay.

Well, things are working out
pretty good so far, huh?

What are you talkin' about?

Well, no financier
interference, right?

Good thing you gave her
the wrong juice.

I didn't give her
the wrong juice!

- [knocking]
- Crap.

Hello?

Nuns.

The nuns. The nuns!
Nuns!

They're here to play gin rummy
with Aunt Hessy. Crap.

Okay, Zack, you take her
back upstairs.

Annabelle,
just make 'em go away.

I can't! They've been
coming every Thursday.

They're gonna want
to see Aunt Hessy.

Okay, Zack,
go distract the nuns!

Lester, Lester,
you and Annabelle

take Osric upstairs
and put him in Hester's old wig

and then get in bed,
you'll wave to the nuns.

They'll see that you're fine,
and they'll leave.

- What?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Why does he get to play Hester,
when I'm the actor?

Fine. Show me.

Y'all want some okra?

Well, I didn't have time
to prepare.

- Go!
- Absolutely not!

- [door opens]
- Hessy! Hessy!

Hello, ladies.
Welcome to Hester's house.

Glad you could come.

Okay. You're gonna want
to get this, Lester.

This is awesome.

How much further is it?

Oh, good! Lipstick.
Flip your wig. It's backwards.

I don't know how to flip a wig!

Yes, you do.
Oh, God, close that down!

I don't know anything
about wigs!

Why do you keep doing that?
Lester, why won't you help us?

Because I'm a documentarian,
and you know I don't interfere.

- Oh, shut up!
- Okay.

- It's really heavy.
- Okay.

How do I look?
How do I look?

I can't comment on that.

That's it right there.

That's from a samurai sword
with some ninjas.

Too late!

Osric, get in the bed
and be Hester!

Stop complaining.

Fan! Oh, sorry.

Keep goin', ladies,
keep goin'.

Oh, my...

Holy wig--

Oh, sorry.
I hurt myself. Sorry.

Are we going to be
in the movie?

No. This is just the making-of
documentary, Sister Mercy.

Well, that still counts.

I'm ready for my close-up.

Oh, dear.
How are you, Hester?

Hester, feeling
under the weather?

Does she have a cold?

Shouldn't we call
a doctor or something?

You know how these things
can move into your chest.

Osric has laryngitis.

Oh, by "Osric",
I mean "Hester."

And, um, he-- she--

Hester will be all better
by tomorrow.

Of course, dear,

We just wanted
to check on you.

Now, we'll let you alone,
so you can get your rest, dear.

All right, chop chop!
Everyone out!

Hester needs her rest.

Sister has spoken.

I can't believe
this is working.

- Lester, move along.
- You, too.

The nuns have left
the building.

Okay, everyone,
coast is clear.

Do not drop my aunt.

I'm not gonna drop her,
but she's already dead.

Depends on the angle.
You've got her at angle, Zack.

I have her butt.

Annabelle,
open the freezer.

All right. Okay, guys,
we gotta get back to work.

Let's just focus on
getting our movie made.

- Hello.
- Oh, sh--

Oh, steaks.

Are we havin' a barbecue?

- Mm--
- No.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

No, yes, what?

You, um, look like the cat
that just ate the canary.

What's going on here?
You're up to something, mister.

No. That's--
No, no. Well, no.

Now, I smell a rat.
There's something going on here.

No!

I'm pretty sure you have
an anti-Hollywood-ism here.

- What?
- There's an "ism."

- A what?
- Cultural-ism.

Movie star-ism.

Don't tell me about "isms."

I know all about "isms," okay?

Now you people got me
speaking this crap.

- You people?
- You people?

Wow.

I'm going up
to say hello to Hessy.

Uh, nope, no, no.

You can't 'cause I talked to her
just now, just recently.

I was just up there, and she
said she was plum tuckered.

She said she was gonna be
in bed all day.

- Yeah, she's resting.
- All day.

Alone.

Well, I got a trial
up in Shreveport anyways,

so I gotta get up there.

You just tell her I hope
she feels better and soon.

Okay, bye-bye.
I hope you win.

Have you seen Auntie Hester's
new flowers out front?

- No, I haven't.
- They're gorgeous.

I'm sure they are.

[screaming]

Kate, I found Osric.
Over here.

Osric, what are you doing?

Well, that's
a good question, Kate.

What are we doing?
'Cause we're gonna get caught.

Don't you go
all soft on me.

Soft?
We just hid a dead body

from the district attorney.

I know you're getting upset,

but the truth is
everything is just fine.

On what planet
is everything fine, Kate?

Our financier
just keeled over and died.

The lady cutting the checks,
she's dead.

Okay, well,
maybe not everything.

But they all think
that Hester's alive,

so all we really need to do
is just get everyone together

and finish making the movie.

What movie?

I mean, I--

I don't know what--

I don't even know
what movie we're shooting.

Osric, do you trust me?

It's--

Okay, I don't care
if you trust me.

You have 10 hours
to figure it out.

We have a 6 a.m. call time.

Get it done.

I, uh-- If I did interfere,
I'd agree with Kate.

Well, Shine Reynolds has
either gone off the deep end,

or she's on her way
to a local news Emmy.

Well, that's right, Dan.

Reminds me a little of
Martin Sheen in Acapulco Now.

Gosh, I don't understand
that reference at all.

It's "Apocalypse."

Oh, Dan, it's not that bad.
I just don't get it.

That's--

Never mind. Shine?

Shine Reynolds here, incognito,

to show you the real
behind-the-scenes dirt

on these pretentious
Hollywood dirtbags.

I will show you

the unvarnished truth

that they are nothing but

a bunch of self-absorbed,

vindictive narcissists

clinging to their faded youth.

No one crosses Shine Reynolds.

No one.

The filming marches on
and troubles mount

as this young director
struggles to find his vision.

So, look,
I'm just gonna take

a little, little bite,
all right?

Just to get into the mind
where Hamlet is at.

Zack, no eating the zombies.

Don't eat the zombies.
Thank you.

Dude, Hamlet is struggling with
the siren lore of zombiehood.

Our insurance doesn't cover
eating the extras.

I don't make the--
I don't make the rules.

All right.

Let's go.
Picture's up!

Okay, and action!

[growling]

To not to be...

or to not, not to be?

That is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind

to suffer slings and arrows

or to hold arms...

- against a sea of troubles.
- Gator! Gator!

- Gator.
- Everybody, gator!

What? I hate gators!

- I'm outta here!
- This is funny!

[laughs]
It's okay.

- Cut!
- It's just Hillary.

She won't hurt you.

What the hell's wrong
with you people?

We're running around
getting chased by gators,

and we're not even
getting paid for this.

Yeah, we'd like to help you
with your stupid zombie movie,

but we need money!

Wait, what do you mean, money?

- What do you mean? Kate, what--
- Don't worry about that.

- They're not getting paid?
- You know what?

Don't worry about that, okay?

Worry about how you're
supposed to get a movie

out of all this crap.

I'm not here.
Just keep talking.

Zack, calm down!
Zack, calm yourself.

So we're hiding a dead body.

That reporter,
she's on to us.

The crew quit.

Zack! Zack!

I don't think Osric's
finishing this movie.

I want you to relax!

The evening sky,

darkening like
the filmmaker's soul.

Lester, what are you doing?

Oh, hey, Kate.
Uh, nothing.

Oh, that's good.

Well, you can help me get
some stuff out of my trunk.

Sweet! We having a party?

If I can't pay the crew,

at least I can keep them
distracted.

[cheering]

Okay, so we just
found Osric out back.

- Hi, Osric!
- What?

I see you're not
at the party.

- How you doin'?
- Fine.

Come on, boss.

You're supposed to bare
your soul into the camera.

Yeah, all right, all right.
Um...

It's just I'm, uh...

Wondering if you're
getting anything

the world will want to see.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Well, I'm getting some
pretty awesome stuff.

It's raw, it's crazy,
it's real.

Hey, y'all.

Well, hello, Annabelle.

Is that shoofly pie?

You gotta keep up
your strength.

Thank you.

Do you wanna--
You wanna see yourself?

- Kinda.
- Yeah.

To not to be...

I like how you're
putting in all the footage.

Yeah, I might be onto
something here.

It's just everyone on set
keeps laughing,

like we're making
some sort of comedy.

You know, I'm sure
you'll find your muse.

You know what you should do?

You should put some of
Shine's footage in here.

It would really
bring it together.

What do you mean?

She's just been runnin' around
playin' paparazzi.

- With her camera?
- Yeah.

Is she gonna come back?

Well, yeah.
I mean, she's Shine.

Okay, I guess I gotta be
Hessy again tonight

in case she comes back.

Uh, can you help me?

The shooting day is over,

but a documentarian's work
is nev--

Whoa.

What are you up to, Zack?

Is this another plot revealed?

Let's go find out.

It's a ninja cameraman's
secret weapon.

All right, which way is up?

Zack, what are you--

Oh, a little on-set romance.

What Hollywood story
would be complete without one?

This is good stuff.

Let's see what other stories
are unfolding at Twin Forks.

Okay, Annabelle just went in
Hester's room with Osric.

Is this another
on-set romance blooming?

You know you're
doing it all wrong.

Just let me do it.

This is going to be excellent.

I actually thought I was getting
pretty good at this.

No.

Okay, they're here.

You know, I really wanted
to thank you so much.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Annabelle and Hester.

- Osric, deliver me.
- Uh...

What are they--

I can finally be a woman!

Take me now!

Oh [bleep]

Annabelle, Annabelle.

"I'm a maid at your window

wanting to be your valentine."

- That's good, except--
- Okay, then?

This is the scoop
I was looking for.

It's inappropriate
for a director to--

Wow!

Should we be film--

- No, no, this is serious.
- [knocking]

- Hessy!
- [knocking continues]

- Hessy!
- Oh, no.

You in there?

You know what day it is?

It's Tuesday.

Ready or not, here I come.

Lay down!

Oh, you poor baby.

That flu must've really
knocked you down.

Don't you worry.

Ol' Edgar's gonna keep you
nice and warm, baby.

Now it's a threesome.

Oh, Hessy, don't you worry about
me catching that flu, baby.

I don't mind a little flu
for a little sweet potato pie.

Mmm, Hessy.
You know something, Hessy?

Your voice sound kinda funny.

Just let me lay my head
on your ample bosom.

What happened?
What happened?

You got Peeping Toms out here!

Come on, we gotta
get out of here!

Go on! Get away from here,
you perverts!

I'll get my shotgun
to take care of your ass.

Hey, you! You pervert!

Go ahead and run,
you piece of trash!

You just stay here,
and I'll handle it, okay?

Okay.

Bye, Edgar. Bye!

He's coming back.

- We gotta move Hester.
- Gotta move Hester.

- Where'd she go?
- Oh, no. This ain't good.

- What?
- She's gone.

- That's impossible.
- Oh, my God.

- Who took her?
- Okay, if she's gone,

that means someone knows
what we're doin' here.

We should be expecting
the blackmail note anytime now.

Zack, there are no blackmailers.

Listen, I've dealt
with blackmail

in seven different movies.

The trick is
just get crazy on 'em.

Battle stations, everyone!

Let's get crazy
on these blackmailers.

Giving in to the blackmailers
is just what they'll expect.

Let's do something crazy!

We must turn our minds
towards insanity

to defeat these blackmailers.

It's time to give
these crazy blackmailers

a taste of their own
crazy medicine!

Hoo-ha!

As your mayor, we're gonna get
crazy on these blackmailers.

Blackmailers at 2:00!

Roll torpedo one
with a shitload of crazy!

[Speaking French]

We can worry about that later.
We just gotta finish the movie.

We gotta go 24-7, all right?

- That might be a problem.
- Tell the crew--

What? Why is it a problem?

Because the crew is pissed at us
because their checks bounced,

because the checks
that Hester gave us bounced.

You're just
telling me this now?

It's been
a really elastic week.

Okay, we turn the tables
on the blackmailers,

and we have them rob a bank.

Zack, there's no blackmailers!
We're not robbing a bank!

- Dude!
- Okay.

This is the indecisiveness
that Hamlet warned us about.

Kate, how did these checks
bounce? What happened?

Well, the bank said
something about

the funds being
in the wrong account.

Well, then we could
just go transfer it.

There! Easy, done.

Hester has to be there in person
to transfer the funds.

Oh, sheeugh!

So we're screwed.

So what do we do?

No. No, nope.
Come on, that's fraud.

We are missing a dead body
that we didn't report.

We are way beyond fraud here!

We're just gonna
finish this movie.

To do that, we need
a little bit more money.

Does anyone know a way
to get a quick loan in town?

Like 1-800-pay-your-debt,
something like that? What?

Well, I know these men.

I mean, but it's just
too dangerous.

Edgar just felt up my boobs,

while Shine caught
the whole thing for TMZ.

I think we're way beyond
too dangerous.

Okay, well, look.

There's these men
out in the swamp,

and they made Aunt Hessy's
sleeping potion.

They loan money if you really,
really need it bad.

We need it really,
really bad.

No, we are not dealing
with voodoo loan sharks.

Hunch over more.
You're 79.

Miss Hessy, I wrote
a get-well tune for you.

Well, clearly,
if someone moves a body--

I mean, the crew's obviously
playing a prank on us.

All we really need to do
is go to the bank,

transfer the funds,
pay the crew,

and then finish the movie
before we get caught.

Could we not
do an interview right now?

So, Osric, what do you think
happened with Hester?

Lester, I don't have time
for this right now.

I have no idea.
I have no idea.

Come on, just open up.
The camera will save you.

I don't know, Lester.

Maybe she rose from the dead
or something.

Well, clearly, Hester is angry
at us for desecrating her body,

so she's back from the dead.

She's haunting us.

This is a classic
bayou haunting.

I'm spooked.

I don't like it.

I don't like it, either.

It's a haunting.
It's an actual haunting.

And I don't do ghosts.

It's clearly
some kind of warning.

It's not some ghost warning.

Someone just moved her body.

You two sound ridiculous.

Good luck, man.
This shit is gettin' weird.

Oh, sweet Lord.

Pull up your breasts.
They're hanging.

Yeah, let's get this one.

So they hang?

Um, not that high.
She's like 80.

Yeah, get this one.

Maybe if you could--
Are they upside-down?

Oh, Hessy! Oh, dear!

We have told everyone
about your illness.

Remember the Lord
is watching over you.

[horn honks]

We love you, Hester!

Hi, Hester!

Good to see you again, Hester!

Get well, Hester!

Hester!

Welcome back, Hester!

Miss Hessy, I wrote
a get-well tune for you.

♪ Hester Beauchamps ♪

- Seriously?
- My God!

We have to get out of here
as quick as possible!

Oh, my God!
He's following us!

What are they up to?

Oh, my God.
That was horrible.

Look. Perfect.
That's Marvin.

He's dumber
than a turnip cupcake.

He's not gonna know Aunt Hessy
since he's new.

Zack, you watch our backs.

Recon. Got it.

Hey, so Aunt Hessy needs
to shuffle around some funds,

and here's
the last week's check.

We're kind of in a bit of
a hurry, so if you could just--

All right, um, yes, okay.

Let's see what we have here.

Hmm. Your account says that
there is no available funds.

I'm sorry, what?

There's nothing
in your account.

What about the account
for the book royalties?

There has to be money
in there.

Let's check those.

The account
for the book royalties--

That's not Hester. It's Osric.

We're going to film them
committing fraud.

The book royalties,
that says that there is--

Oh, you're good.
Yeah, you have--

You have $52.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

The last major transaction
that went through was--

It was from Edgar Mortimer.

It seems the last 11 deposits
were from Mr. Mortimer.

So Edgar was paying
for everything.

Oh, I see
what's going on here.

You can run,
but you cannot hide.

I'm not hidin',
but you better start runnin'.

Zack Buckley!

What are you doin'
in this bank?

Is that really you?
Am I being punked right now?

Is my bank punking me?

Is that Buckley
in the bank right now?

You're my screensaver.
Look at this picture.

Your tattoos.

Listen to your voice.
Listen, listen.

You and me and Smith & Wesson
are gonna have a little talk.

Can I get a picture with you?

Do you mind?

I-- Of course.

I'm breaking the rules today.
It's my daddy's bank.

I'm breaking rules.

Zack Buckley, I can't believe
you're in my daddy's bank.

Everybody come get a picture
with Zack Buckley.

Go on in the back.
I can oil you up.

Come on, Zack, we gotta go.
Lester!

Hey, come on back!
I need a picture!

Will you add me on Facebook?
Can I be your Facebook friend?

I'm here in the sheriff's office

with Sheriff Barnum

and district attorney Mortimer.

And I'm about to blow the lid
off the biggest scandal

in Bethulia Parish's history.

How much further?

Uh, I think we're almost there.

This is a bad idea.

No, defrauding a bank
was a bad idea.

Now, this is our only idea.

What are voodoo loan sharks,
anyways?

Loan sharks who practice
the fine art of voodoo.

Oh, pull over.
We're here.

Where, Lester?
There's nothing around us.

It's, um, it's like
a mile or two into the swamp.

A mile or two?
I'm waiting in the car.

Come on, Lester.

- Osric?
- Yeah.

Be careful.

Thanks.

And don't come back dead.

Why, why, why
would you say that? Dead?

Really?

All I could think about was
getting back into the swamp.

Okay, Lester,
that's not necessary.

Every moment I was unsettled,
getting weaker.

Every moment the voodoo kings
spent in the forest,

they were getting stronger.

Hey, Lester?
We gotta focus.

- This is important, okay?
- Okay.

We gotta find these bayou
loan sharks or whatever.

So let's just-- Come on.

All I could think about was
getting' back into the--

- Dude!
- Okay.

Look, uh, we have money
to loan you, son.

All you need to do is sign
our standard contract,

and it's yours.

Whoa.
A lot of fine print.

Uh, this is, uh...

You want me to sign
in blood?

Well, you see,
we don't have CPA,

so we use your DNA.

Your DNA...DNA.

We use your DNA.

[laughs]

Wow. Dude, you're about
to unleash the voodoo magic.

Yeah. Lester,
you're not helping.

That's all.

[laughs]

[coughing]

[speaking in tongues]

Wait, who's that?

[screeching]

Hester?

[speaking in tongues]

Osrich, I just saw Hester.

Wait. Where'd she go?

[laughing]

- Go, go, go! Drive!
- Okay! Okay!

What happened?

Did you get it?

Oh, good going.

What's wrong with you two?

Oh, my God,
what is that smell?

Smell? What smell?
I don't smell anything.

- Are you guys stoned?
- No!

Yeah, we're ripped.

- Really?
- It was crazy.

Osric sold his soul.

I didn't sell my soul.
I didn't sell my soul.

I'm a notary public,

and that contract
looked pretty legit to me.

I think you sold it, Osric.

How does it feel
not to have a soul?

Did you say
you're a notary public?

Yeah.

[laughs]

Okay, you guys!
I can't focus with you laugh--

No, no, I'm telling you,
she's like hot.

- You, sir, are a jackass.
- Hey, guys.

So we have taken care
of everything,

and we're ready
to get back to work.

- Yup.
- Look, we already told you.

Our crew's not going back
to work until we get paid.

Oh, sorry about the mix-up.

Here you go, guys.

Whoa, dude.

[sniffs]
What?

Yup, there's enough back pay
in there to cover your crew

and to get through
the rest of the shoot.

So we should be good to go.

Let's get back to work!

Hey, we're getting
back to work!

- Okay.
- [laughing]

Okay.

[laughing]

[continues laughing]

Come on, honey, let's go.

And action!

[growling]

What warlike noise
is this?

Young Fortinbras
comes from Memphis

to give this warlike volley.

[screams]

Oh, I die, Laertes.

The poison
quite o'er crows my spirit.

Cry havoc...

and let slip the dogs of war!

And cut!

Okay, we're gonna go again.

Hey, zombies.

Zombies, more shambling!

More zombie-shambling,
and stop tweeting.

Don't Twit.

We're gonna go again.

Oh, my God.
Edgar's coming.

You know he's gonna want
to see Aunt Hessy.

- This is our big finale.
- If Edgar doesn't see Hester,

it's gonna be final,
all right.

- I'll be over here.
- Exactly.

Kate, take the camera.

What? No.

- I have to go be Aunt Hessy.
- I can't.

I don't know how to direct.

You're always helping me
set up scenes.

You've got a really good eye.
You know what you're doing.

And I trust you.

I trust you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

All right,
everyone listen up!

We gotta get Hamlet and Ophelia
up in Hester's bedroom,

or I don't have a movie!
This is my last shot!

This is probably the last one
we're gonna get to shoot,

so make it count,
all right?

Make it great
and make it real!

Let's go, Lester!

Okay, Annabelle,
just smack it together.

Scene 98, take one.

Go!

Oh. And action!

Okay, here he comes.

Once more to the breach,
dear friends!

Once more!

- [siren blaring]
- Oh, great!

Now the sheriff?

Retreat!

[siren blaring]

Sheriff,
I just want you to know

that if there's
any police brutality,

we can cut around that.

Mm-hmm.

And he's followed
by the sheriff.

What?
The sheriff is with him?

Oh, shit!
This is never gonna work!

Shine Reynolds here
on the scene

with district attorney
Edgar Mortimer.

Edgar, can we have a word?

Osric!

- What did you do to my Hester?
- He knows something's up.

- Hester!
- Not that I want to interfere,

but if they see you in that
dress, you're going to jail.

- Hester!
- Can you help me?

- Osric!
- They're coming.

Help me!
Come on, help me!

Damn it.
I know you're in there.

Your ass is going to jail.

The secret passage.
Let's go.

Wait till I get my hands
on that little Hollywood!

Sheriff, I think
I see him out here.

Stop, in the name of the--

Everyone's angered!

[shouting]

Lester, no matter what happens,
I want you to keep rolling.

If I'm gonna
go down in flames,

I want the whole world
to see it!

Come on, Lester!

Lester, get out of my shot!

Look out, look out!

Come on, let's go!

- What do we do?
- Behind the tapestry!

- What?
- The rug hanging on the wall!

Lester, come on, let's go!

He's not here.

You take the east wing,
and I'll take the west wing.

Come on, Sheriff.

Coming through.
Yeah, that's good.

That's-- That's him!
That's Osric!

- We're gonna hide in the swamp!
- Okay, sweet!

[screams]

Shit! We're surrounded.

Okay, Osric, time to-- to--

Where'd he go?

Dude, we're idiots.

Go back to the secret
passageway,

take your clothes off,

and then come out
like a crazy naked zombie.

Genius!
Run interference.

I can't run interference,
I'm impartial to--

Really, Lester?
'Cause guess what.

If I go to jail,
you go to jail.

You know what,
I'm gonna run interference.

Okay, good.

Yes!

A zombie!

Where'd he go?

Uh, hey, Edgar.
Where'd who go?

Oh, Zack?
He's filming Zombie Hamlet.

I'm gonna consider you
an accomplice in this.

I have nothing to do with this.
I'm just a documentarian.

I've known Hester
for 50 years.

Don't you think I know where
all the secret passages are?

Move!

Oh, those. Great.

There he is.
Did you see that?

Hessy!

- Through that door!
- Hessy!

To the queen's chamber!

Hessy, where are you, baby?

Whoa, whoa.
What are you people up to?

Look, I'm confused,
and I don't like being confused.

What the heck is going on here?

Aunt Hessy!

Aunt Hessy.

Oh, my gosh!

You're alive!

But of course I am!

You worried us half to death.

No, I accidentally took
some zombie juice

instead of my regular
voodoo sleeping potion.

When Baron Saturday
heard about it,

he took care of me
until I just came out of it.

Now, I heard about you
lending me all that money.

Why didn't you just
tell me that I was broke?

Because I wanted you to live
the life that you deserve.

Well, that's really
sweet of you.

Now, Osric,
Baron Saturday told me

what you did about
borrowing all that money.

My goodness.
Well, I made a deal with him.

They are cancelling your debt,

and they're coming onboard

as executive producers
of the movie.

Thank you, gentlemen!
[clapping]

I'll see you
in the editing room.

[laughing]

So we're all okay here
then, right?

Not everybody.

Osric Taylor,
you are under arrest

for a criminal impersonation

for the writing
of fraudulent checks.

Well, now, wait a minute.
I can explain those checks.

I didn't actually cash any.

Good night, sweet prince.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.

[handcuffs click]

[jail door slams]

You're in jail.

Well, the official story
is that Edgar

had another case
up in Shreveport,

so they were going to have
to wait a little while.

But I think
that he just wanted

to make the boys
sweat it out a little bit.

Sheriff, I'm the one who
wanted these boys locked away,

and I wouldn't normally do this,
but I have to ask you a favor.

See, let me explain.

See, Hessy has a strong desire

to see these boys
finish their movie,

and to do that,
they need that computer.

♪ It's gonna be all right ♪

♪ It's gonna be just fine ♪

♪ If we could breath... ♪

Osric! Osric,
I just want to meet you!

- Ma'am, get down!
- Let me touch you!

Hey, I'm single,
and I'm available!

Just call me when you're out!
I'll wait!

Okay, that was really weird.

Hey, you got a visitor.

Osric.

You're not gonna
believe what happened.

Hey, Annabelle.

You've gotta check
your e-mail.

- Okay, I will, but--
- No, now! Check it!

- You've changed.
- Check your e-mail, Osric.

Okay. Is that dog
wearing a hat?

Yes! Go check your email.

Uh, what is this?

I wanted the world
to see your work.

So you uploaded it?

Yeah, I uploaded
both of your movies.

You're blowing up!
You've gone viral!

Uh, what is she talkin' about?

Yeah, yeah,
it's everywhere.

Here.

To not to be...

or to not, not to be.

- Turn it off!
- Not a chance in hell!

- Cut!
- I'm a documentarian,

and this is my life's calling.

To not to be
or to not, not to be?

That is the question.

Your wig, it's backwards.
Flip it!

I don't know how to flip a wig!

Flip it!

I'm a Louisiana lawyer,

and I can do
any damn thing I want.

Russia.

England.

Turkey.

Some kid posted something here
from Bulgaria.

- Osric!
- [distant screaming]

It's perfect, perfect!

We got him.

Lester, I think we're
getting out of here.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

We want Lester! Lester!

Lester, get over here!
They're calling for you!

- Me?
- Lester!

Lester! Oh, my God!

[screaming]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
I love you! I love you!

Lester! Lester!

Love you, Lester!

Now, I would have to say
that the film

Bringing the Undead to Life:
The Making of Zombie Hamlet

not only invigorated the world
of documentary filmmaking,

but also elevated
the entire form of cinema.

It's extraordinary filmmaking.
Extraordinary.

Um, I was just trying
to tell a story, you know.

And that's the important thing,
man, is you gotta--

You gotta just let the story...

just be.

And that's all.

Oh yeah. I mean, I was always
attached as a producer.

I shared Osric's vision
right from the beginning.

And if you're
talking about that...

voodoo contract
that he signed in the swamp,

I mean, that thing wasn't worth
the paper it was printed on.

Now, Osric Taylor
with Zombie Hamlet

is using the kind of
sophisticated comedy

that first-time filmmakers
barely attempt,

let alone attain.

Quite frankly,
he's a genius.

The guy is a hack.

Hamlet with zombies. Really?

What's next, Taming of the Shrew
with vampires?

Absolutely. We're doing

Taming of the Shrew
with vampires.

We're doing
Romeo and Ghouliet

with ghouls and werewolves.

And we're doing The Merry
Stepford Wives of Windsor.

Have a little bit of
rights problems there, but--

Is Osric Taylor attached
to any of these projects?

Osric is attached to all three.
He's hot. He is on fire.

Okay, you ready? Okay?
Action!

By the pricking of my thumbs,

something wicked
this way comes,

brother!

[evil laughter]

Lester.
[chuckles]

Lester won a lot of awards,
and then he vanished.

He-- He disappeared.

If you know where he is,
let me know.

[squawk]

It's 47 below zero,

I can't feel
most of my toes...

[squawk]

I have snot
frozen on my face,

and I love making movies!

♪♪ [rock]