Zombeavers (2014) - full transcript

♪ There's a hole ♪

♪ In my heart ♪

♪ Since I let you ♪

[country music playing]

♪ Yeah, let you walk away... ♪

So four months later,

she's pregnant again, you know?

So we're going back down to the clinic.

She's crying, "Do you love me?"
and all that type of stuff.

I told her I did, but...

You think that means I'm going to Hell?



Nah.

You know, I dated a guy once.

Could I hear all about it?

I mean, there's not a lot to tell.

It was, like, one
of the easiest weeks of my life,

other than the sex.

That was brutal.

You know, it's not the dick.

It's the whiskers, man.

It just creeps you out.

Yeah, we just agreed on everything.

"Want to get some beers?"
"Yeah."

"Want to watch the game?"
"Absolutely."

We have beers,
and we watch the game.



I hear a lot of myself in this story.

There's none of you in the story, man.

It was a one-time thing.

Yeah.

My friend told me I can't shit
in his house anymore.

- Ah, isn't that the worst?
- Can you believe that?

Yeah, they get all mad 'cause
you blew out their bathroom.

It's a place to shit.

That's what the room is built for.

You're supposed to go in there
and take a shit,

and then when you do it,
they act like they're surprised,

like you took a dump on their table
or something.

Yeah.
I did take a dump on his table.

Hey, man, you see that deer
up there?

[cellphone beeping]

Yeah, I see it.

I don't think you do.

Okay, I admit that.
I didn't see the deer.

[chuckling]
But I see him now.

Hey, check the back.

Yeah, the back's fine.

I'm gonna check the front.

[Sighs]

He's not gonna make it.

Ah, they carry disease.

All right, here we go.
Up and over.

[thud]

[eerie rock music playing]

[Beavers cooing]

[quiet folk-pop music playing]

♪ Everywhere you go,
you're in a microscope ♪

♪ You're living in the fishbowl ♪

♪ And your mind's under control ♪

[cellphone beeps]

♪ Say a prayer
for the Internet billionaire ♪

♪ The solar flare will burn the hair ♪

♪ Of man and polar bear ♪

- [Pounding on door]
- MAN: Gotta shit!

Damn it.

Just a second.

Whoa.

Sorry.
The ladies' room was occupied.

- Do you mind moving...
- Well, well, why don't you...

[chuckles]

I don't mind doing anything
you ask me to do.

[Man speaking indistinctly]

What took you so long?

Um, they were out of toilet paper.

Had to use my hands.

[laughs]

♪ Ever since I was a little kid,
I been looking... ♪

I slit a sheet,
a sheet I slit,

and on this slitted sheet,
I sit.

I slit a sheet,
a sheet I slit,

and on this shitted... Damn it.

You suck.

- I know.
- Hah.

[cellphone beeps]

Hey, beeyotch, what did I say?

Right, no texting. Sorry.

Yeah, that's totally rude, Jenn.

No texting and no boys
for the entire weekend.

Wow, that sounds so awesome.

Shut up, Zoe.

Maybe this is a bad idea.

I mean, I don't want you guys

to have a lame weekend
just 'cause of me.

Well, great.
Let's reinvite the guys.

Isn't that right, Gosling?

[Baby voice]
He says, "Yes, that's right."

That's not real supportive, Zoe.

I mean, if Buck cheated on you,

I wouldn't be making a joke about it
every five minutes.

First of all, like,
Buck would never cheat on me.

And second,
I'm only kidding, Jenn,

so relax.
This weekend is about Y-O-U.

Yeah, we know that's asking you
to give up a lot.

Eh, only about six inches.

- That is so gross.
- Yeah, next subject, please.

Mary, does your cousins' shack
have electricity?

Why? Do you need a place
to plug in your vibrator?

- [Chuckles]
- How dare you?

[Radio clicks]

[Pulsing electronic music plays]

[Groans]

Turn that music off, Mary.

You seriously like this?

You seriously don't?

Don't listen.
Don't listen.

I can't believe I'm friends with people
who have no taste in music.

[reel spinning]

[grunts]

[creature growls, snarls]

Here we are.

This is so beautiful.

Do your cousins, like, throw their trash
in the middle of the lake?

Why would you even ask that?

'Cause there's a big piece of wood
just floating in the middle of it.

That's a raft, you idiot.

It's anchored there
so people can use it.

Come on. Let's go.
We're almost there.

The suspense is killing me.

Are we stopping here for more gas?

[groaning] My legs

My butt hurts.

Yeah, thanks to your boyfriend.

Very funny.

That's disgusting.

I'm first.

I seriously need a drink.

Okay, go kill some squirrels, buddy.

[Gosling barks]

Kill 'em good.

What do you think?

Are we really gonna swim in that bog?

First off, it's a lake,

and, yes, we're really gonna swim in it.

I haven't swam in a lake in my whole life.

- Have you swam in a pool?
- Yeah.

Well, I think you're gonna find out
it's really not all that different.

Of course it's different.

This is nature.

She's right.

You're gonna wind up with
a lot more bugs in your mouth.

Oh, you guys, that neighbor lady
is coming over, so be nice, Zoe.

Mary? Is that you?

Mrs...G-Gregerson...

- [laughs]
- so nice to see you.

Oh, my goodness,
you have blossomed.

Eh, not really.
Her tits are still small.

Thanks, Zoe.

Myrna, these are
my sorority sisters.

This is Jenn and Zoe.

All right.
Well, it's a pleasure.

'Sup, beeyotch?

Are you looking after the house
while your cousins are away?

Uh, no, we're just up here
for the weekend.

Oh, right. Unwinding
in between all the exams.

Well, we were supposed
to have torrid getaway sex,

but Jenn's guy cheated on her, so...

Oh, I see.

She is kidding, Mrs. Gregerson.

I am kidding.
None of us have had sex.

Even

Yeah.

Oh, it's okay, Mary.

My daughter's a total fucking bitch,
too, a real whore.

Sometimes she brings people home,
I don't even know what sex they are.

And I'm not saying
anything negative about them.

I'm a very, very liberal woman.

But my daughter is a real piece of work
and not that attractive.

Well, if you girls need anything,
you know where to find us.

Listen, I'd love
to have you over for breakfast.

Yeah, that sounds nice.
Maybe we'll take you up on that.

No pressure, of course.

- [Both chuckle]
- Okay.

Bye.

Here we are.
Home, sweet home.

Whoo!

Go potty.

[laughs]

Ugh, it smells in here.

It does not smell in here.
It smells like wood.

Where's the bathroom?

Straight down the hall.

Where's the other bathroom?

There's only one bathroom.

I'm just gonna go right here.

You seriously can't wait
two minutes for Jenn?

Shh. It's coming out.

[water running]

- [cellphone beeps]
- Come on.

- [Sighs]
- [knocks on door]

What?

One bathroom. Fun, right?

Be my guest.

Let me guess.

No service.

What?

Oh, Jenn, you are a horrible liar.

Okay, I texted him back.

Why are girls so attracted
to such assholes?

You're not. Tommy's great.

You are not supposed to be talking to Sam.

That is the whole purpose
of this entire trip.

Well, it's not like I have
much of a choice now, is it?

Exactly.

How am I gonna check my messages?

I have not gone more than 24 hours
without Instagram

since, like, there was no Instagram,

and I'm coping.

If Zoe can do it, you can do it.

[Screams]

There's no fucking service.

You knew about this, didn't you?
You said no boys,

- not no phones.
- I did say, "No phones."

But you didn't say it
would be physically impossible

to use it behind your back.

What is the big deal, you guys?

People went, like, thousands
of years without cellphones.

You can go two days.

Speak for yourself.

What if there's, like,
and emergency or something?

There's, like, a landline.

A what?

You guys, you're not
gonna miss your phones.

I promise you.
Now, can we just get changed?

I don't want to get changed.

I want to send a text.

[Pop music playing]

- [Gosling whimpers]
- No, no, Gosling. Stay here.

Sunglasses, check.
Towels, check.

Sunscreen, check.

Whoo, all right.

- Let's get naked.
- What are you doing?

Someone could see you.

Mary, who? Mrs. Gregerson?

I see, like, two houses here.

If I'm getting anything out of being stuck
in the middle of nowhere,

it's a tan without lines.

♪ Waking up with you
in the morning ♪

Come on in, bitches.

Well, I guess we can be grateful
she left her bottoms on.

I bet Mrs. Gregerson swims topless.

♪ Gold in your eyes ♪

♪ Oh, whoa ♪

♪ Always gets me by ♪

- Mmm.
- It's so nice out.

[Song fades]

Okay, do mine now.

Ugh! I'm so comfortable.

Can't Mary do it?

You used me.

Stop.

I'll do it.

Mm, this is nice.

♪ All my love ♪

♪ My love... ♪

What is that?

Looks like a beaver dam.

Heh. I want to see a beaver.

They're so adorable.

Yeah, well, don't get your hopes up.

I'm pretty sure they're nocturnal.

Where'd you learn that, Wikipedia?

I learned it from living in Indiana,

which means that you
should know it, too.

Well, all I know is they're fat rats
with big, stupid-ass teeth.

Nice.

Where you going?

Come on. Let's go take a look.

Whoo!

Yeah!

Make it rain, bitches.

Ow, ow!

Whoo!

Here, beaver, beaver, beaver.

Gross.

Try banging on it.
That should wake 'em up.

At least cover up, at least
while we're walking around.

My top is on the other side.

You want to lend me yours?

Cut it out.

[giggles]

Eww, is that, like,
green beaver urine?

Guess.

Kind of looks like it.
Maybe that's, like,

how they mark their territory
or something.

By pissing all over their house?

They don't live in the dam, you idiot.

They live in the lodge.

Over there.

- Here, beaver, beaver, beaver.
- Yeah, nice try.

That one's covered in piss, too.

Fine, you win.

Beavers piss all over everything.

Are you happy?

I don't see any beavers.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

[Bear sniffing]

- [gasps]
- [roars]

I'm scared.

It's gonna be okay.

Just gonna back up real slowly.

- [Gunshot]
- [screams]

- [Bear growling]
- [birds chirping]

Thank you so much.

Well, look at you three little heifers.

I think you just
might have saved our lives.

[spits] That's doubtful.

Bears don't usually attack more
than one or two folks at a time.

You'd be three.

Course, if you'd have taken
a step in his direction,

he might have hightailed it.

Well, better safe than sorry then.

Yeah.

You girls from out of town?

My name is Mary,
Mary Daughtry.

Uh, we're staying over there
at my cousins' place.

McKellers?

Yeah. You know 'em?

No.

My name's Smyth, with a "Y".

Just in case you girls need
to write me a check one day.

[chuckling]

What brings you across the lake?

We were looking for beavers.

Well, hell, ain't we all?

Well, if you see one,
you ought to stay away from it.

They will mess with you.

You look real close, they'll come out,

peek out just a little, bitty knob
out there,

Little pink knob
like a little old puppy's dick.

Well, I guess
we'll be more careful then.

You know...

you might want to cover up.

See, we got decent folk
out in this neighborhood.

Family. You know, kids.

Yeah, we know.

It's just that she lost
her bikini top in the lake.

Talking about all three of you,

your little bare stomachs,

weird-ass little tattoos.

Okay. He's a creeper.

Yeah, there's probably some
helpless furry little animal

just waiting to get shot.

Eh.

Well, I've had
enough excitement for one day.

At least you got to see a man, right?

"I don't like
them there tattoos and shit."

- [soft growling]
- Zoe, he could hear you.

[laughs] I don't care.

[crickets chirping]

All right, I got popcorn.

Thank God.

♪ Sing a little song and... ♪

Is it popcorn, or is it popped corn?

I don't know. Jenn, go long.

Zoe, you're wasting it all.

Okay, whose turn is it?

All right, Jenn.

Would you rather? Go.

Okay, would you rather
never be able to use a tampon

or never be able to use lipstick?

That is so lame, Jenn.
I've got one.

Are you ready?

Would you rather watch your mom
get murdered by your daddy

or get raped by your daddy
while your mom had to watch?

Zoe, that's awful.

Would you rather?

Answer it.

[Gosling whimpers]

I guess get raped by my dad?

- Ugh.
- Gross.

What, would you rather
have your mom die?

I wouldn't do either.

That's so fucking disgusting.
You're sick.

What's the point of this game,
anyways?

I don't blame you.
Your dad's real hot.

He is.

[panting]

All right, all right.
Home run me. Home run me.

I'm ready. Hang on. Hang on.

- Ready?
- Hang on.

[laughs]

♪ Da-da-da-da, da-da,
da, da ♪

- You're sorry.
- I did it by the air, bitch.

[Both laugh]

I'll do it myself.

- Whoo!
- [laughs]

I got it. Truth or dare?

Y'all can make out like you did last time.

That's no fun unless there's
guys around to make jealous.

That's bullshit.

You liked it, and you know it.

Come here. Come give me a kiss.

Stop.
I didn't even say, "Dare."

[air smooching]

[Heavy thud]

What was that?

[Both laugh]

It's your daddy, Jenn.

Yeah, he's come to collect.

Oh, real funny.

[thumping]

No, seriously,
what the fuck is that?

Well, I'm just gonna
have to go and find out.

Don't open the door.

Hello?

Anybody?

Hey, serial killers,

we got three hot babes in here

who haven't had sex
in a really long time.

It could be dangerous out there.

Ooh.

Zoe, I'm serious.

[can clatters]

You know what, Mary?

You're a real buzzkill.

Don't go out there.

Why are there no streetlights?

'Cause there are no streets.

Hate the country.

Zoe.

- [Heavy thud]
- [screams]

What the hell is that?

Should we call the police
or something?

- [screams]
- Oh, my God!

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

It was just the wind.

[Knob rattles]

It's locked.

Mary.

- It's okay. Just...
- [snarls]

- [Both scream]
- [farts]

[laughs]

Tommy, you asshole.

Aw, come on.
It's nice to see you, too, baby.

That wasn't funny.

How did you even get up here?

I'm sorry, babe.

Buck talked me into it.

Yeah, I had to drag his ass
all the way up here,

and the whole time,
he's like, "Wait, no.

"Wait, Mary said
that we're not supposed to come.

"Mary said that it's just girls' night.

Mary wants to just be
with her vagina all weekend."

Shut up, Buck.

Oh, my God, you guys
should've seen y'all's faces.

It was classic.

You were in on this?

Not if it'll make you any madder.

- [Heavy thud]
- [both scream]

[snickering]

[Sighs]

Would any of you ladies
care to come inside and join me?

'Cause there's no beer out here.

This is my cousins' house, you idiot.

How did you even get in there?

Magic. No.

Bedroom window was open.

Hi, Jenn.

What part of "stay away"

do you guys not understand?

The "stay away" part.
I just don't get it.

You're not invited up here,

despite whatever this one
may have told you.

Hey, hey, come on. Come on.

We parked the car down the road
so you wouldn't hear us.

Besides, we missed you guys.

Mary, I haven't had sex in 36 hours.

You know when your foot's asleep?

My dick's asleep.
I gotta wake it up.

ZOE: I have to wake
that dick up.

Wake that dick up.

- Baby.
- I will.

I don't... I can't even feel it.

- Mary, please.
- Mary, please.

My dick's asleep.

Wasn't this weekend for everybody?

Yeah, it was until you fucked it all up.

No, I'm sorry.
You guys have to leave.

But, Mary, they just
drove all the way out here.

This is my house,
and I make the rules.

It's fine, Mary. They can stay.

Jenn, thank you, Jenn.
Give it up for Jenn, everybody.

Right?

Jenn, do not let them
bully you into this.

No, really.
Maybe it'll force me to,

you know, face it head-on
instead of running away.

You sure?

Oh, my, God damn it, she's sure.

Come on.
We're all adults here.

It doesn't have to be awkward.

Gentlemen, I'll see you
in the bone zone.

- Let's get drunk!
- [squeals]

Whoo!

- Oww!
- Great.

Well, at least
this can't get any more awkward.

[Zoe and Buck panting,
moaning loudly]

BUCK: Oh, fuck!

[Zoe screaming]

- [panting]
- [moaning]

[Panting and screaming continue]

BUCK: Oh, fuck.

Oh, I feel like a Power Ranger!

Oh, shit, you are sweet!

You are way too hot for me.

Oh, baby, you know it.

Well, this was helpful.

[Moaning continues]

Thanks for stopping by.

Oh, baby...

Don't call me that.

You lost your baby privileges.

But it's not as bad as you think.

You have no idea what I think.

Can we at least talk about it?

Fine, you want to talk about it?

Who is she?
Do I know this little whore?

What is that, seaweed?

It's you, you asshole.

Friend of a friend
tagged you on Facebook

from Michelle's party last weekend.

Who is she?

Look, I know it looks bad. I do.

I knew...
But I... I was really drunk.

You know what? If you're not
gonna answer my questions,

then we have nothing else
to talk about.

Just come here.

Don't touch me.

You feel better?

Getting there.

Let me go.

I'll scream.

[Moaning, panting continue]

Join the club.

I missed you so much.

[Groans]

Missed you, too.

[Gasps, sighs]

That was worth the drive up
for sure.

Again.

- I'm only one man.
- [giggles]

It takes an hour to recharge.

Do you not read magazines?

[grunts]

[panting]

Can you hand me my glasses?

Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah. Why?

I don't know.
You just seem a little...

out of it.

Did you finish?

I guess I'm just worried
about Jenn, that's all.

So that's a no.

[Sighs]

[thump]

Is someone in there?

[thumping]

Buck, I swear to God,
I'm gonna stick that bat up your...

- [snarling]
- [screams]

Oh, my God! You gotta see...

- [sobbing]
- What?

Go get it out of there!

Sit down. Calm down.
There's something in there.

What's wrong?
Tell me what's wrong.

I don't know. I...

Who the fuck is crying on vacation day?

- What's going on?
- What did you do to her?

No, I didn't do anything.

Listen, there's a... There was
a beaver in the bathroom.

Really great news,
since haven't you

been looking for beaver
since we got here?

No, no, there was something
wrong with it.

It was... It was fucking rabid
or something.

Oh, you know what we should do?

We should capture it.
We'll raise it as our own.

Jenn, you are a really ugly crier.

Go look in the fucking bathroom!

Jenn, I tell you what.
This is getting really ridiculous.

Let's go to the fucking bathroom.

Okay, big daddy Buck's got it.

Here, Jenn. Here, Jenn.

[Gosling whimpering]

Oh, there is no way
I'm drunk enough for this.

You're drunk
as any one of the rest of us,

so fucking man up.

Yeah, just man up.

- [whimpers]
- All right.

Just be careful.

Pussy. You're being a pussy.

Jesus, dude, really?
Fucking pussy.

- Shut up.
- Give me this.

Being a bitch.
Just being a little bitch about it.

[water running]

Jenn, there's nothing in here.

I swear it was right there.

Oh, my God, Jenn.
Is this one of those bathrooms?

Oh, look at me.

I'm in a scary,
scary bathroom, Jenn.

Jenn, be honest.
Did you shit in here?

- [snarling]
- [all scream]

Oh, my God.

[Both scream]

- Kill it!
- [snarling]

[screaming]

How the hell is that thing still moving?

[Beaver whines]

That's gnarly.

Someone want to get a garbage bag?

That was rabies?

Yeah, probably.

Then again, I've never even seen
a real beaver before

- up close, so...
- Yeah, me neither.

Well, maybe you should try going down
on me once in a while, Buck.

That was not a normal beaver.
I can tell you that much.

Yeah. Normal beavers have pupils
in their goddamn eyes, don't they?

Fucking chicks. Come on.

The beaver obviously had something.

Wait. I mean, did it bite anyone?

- Jenn, are you...
- No.

Good, 'cause I've heard that
rabies shots hurt like a bitch.

Yeah, not to mention the nearest hospital
is 30 miles away.

Maybe we should just go home.

- What?
- Yeah, no, Jenn,

we drove four hours to get here.

Okay, my foot's still asleep
from the ride up.

We don't care about your foot, Buck.

You know, we're all just upset
and drunk and...

And horny.
And 6' 3" but that's just me.

- Buck.
- Okay, yes...

- TOMMY: Shut the fuck up.
- You're right.

I think that we should just sleep on it.

Okay. Well, sleeping with you, then.

Yeah, sure, Jenn.
Whatever you want.

Guys, we could die tomorrow, okay?

This could be our last night.

This may sound crazy,
but we need to have an orgy.

I'm not fucking around.

A safety orgy,
you know, stay together,

like in the Old West with the caravans.

[snarling]

[whistling a tune]

[creature growls]

[Resumes whistling]

[grunts] Oh, God, here we go.

What, Buck?

Don't let the dog look.

Relax. I'm not going to...

Oh, my God, Mary. Look.

Yuck.

[Tommy yawns]

Maybe some wild animal came and took it.

See the footprint?

[snarls] Come on.

I don't like this.

What? Ah, Jenn, come on.

We're all the way out
in the middle of the woods.

We tossed something on the porch,

and something's glad that we did it.

What are you thinking?

All I know is the thing is dead, guys.
Come on.

- Can we please go swimming now?
- Yeah, I second that. Let's go.

Still want to go in the water
after what happened last night?

Last night was in there, okay?

The water's way safer
than in the cabin.

Yeah, come on. It's a beautiful day,
and the lake's right over here.

We haven't seen you ladies
in your bikinis yet. Come on.

You know, we were doing just fine
before you guys showed up.

Jenn, that's not fair.

Yeah, Tommy did kill that beaver for us.

Yeah, sorry Sam didn't kill anything,

because that'd be the only beaver
he's getting this weekend.

Can we please stop
with the beaver jokes?

BUCK: Why did the beaver
cross the road?

Whoo!

That a girl.

Come in, misery.

Now get your ass in the water,

and join the rest of the human beings.

Has it ever occurred to any of you
that there might be more beavers?

[Both jabbering mockingly]

So you seen the mysterious photo?

Of course I've seen it.

I've seen it over 300 times
since Wednesday.

She has me analyzing every line
and every pixel

trying to figure out
who it is you're on top of.

Well, I guess it's safe to say
that she doesn't know that it was you.

Are you gonna tell her?

I don't know.

Well, you know, if you just tell her
it was nothing,

she's gonna believe you.

Maybe, but she'll hate me.

Tell that to my finger.

Are you crazy?

Don't be stupid, Jenn.

Get your ass in the water right now.

Yeah, come on!

Yeah, peer pressure, Jenn.
Come on.

Fine.

You know, with all the shit
that's gone down, we haven't talked.

Like you said, it was nothing.

Besides, I'm with Tommy,

and if you're real lucky,
you'll still be with Jenn.

You happy?

This is the happiest day
of my life, Jenn.

You're in the lake.

I don't know how it happened,
but it did.

- Oh, my God.
- [soft growl]

What?

Something just swam past my foot.

[Soft growl]

You are, like, such a hypochondriac.

No, I swear to God, you guys.
Something just fucking hit my foot.

[laughs]

Oh, look. Buck feels it, too.

[Both laugh]

TOMMY: Wait.

[gasping]

What, did you swallow some water?

Buck? Holy shit!

[screams] Oh, my God!

Get out of the water!

Oh, my God!

[grunts]

What the fuck?

Is that blood?

- [yells]
- [Mary screams]

Get to the raft!
Get to the fucking raft!

Hurry!

TOMMY: Grab on!

- [Beaver snarls]
- Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck, he got me, too.

Fuck!

Fuck!

That was another fucking beaver!

- More than one.
- Beavers don't do this.

They don't just... They don't
just attack people like this.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

[groaning]

We have to tie this off right now.

What about this?

No, no, no. Too small.
Too small.

Wait. The dog's vest.

- [groaning]
- Perfect, perfect.

BUCK: Hurry! Let's go! Fuck!

[groaning]

Look!

[snarls]

Where's Jenn?

Jenn!

- [No dial tone]
- Shit.

- Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
- Stick together.

[all snarling]

They're coming.

- [Screams]
- Shit.

[whimpering]

Where did they go?

- [snarling]
- [thud]

- [Screams]
- Oh, shit!

- Hold on. Hold on.
- [thudding]

- They're underneath us!
- Shit.

[snarling continues]

Shit.

- [Snarls]
- [screams]

- [screaming]
- [snarling]

Careful! Be careful!

- [snarling]
- Stay calm.

Hold on! Hold on!

Hold on!

Hold on!

- We cannot stay here.
- Yeah, no shit!

- Shit!
- [screams]

[water splashes]

Hold on. Hold on.

There's too many of 'em!

- [screaming]
- [snarling]

Oh, my God!

We have to swim for it.

TOMMY: We need a diversion.

- [Screams]
- What the fuck?

All right, you know what?

Sorry, buddy.

- Surfs up!
- [Yelps]

- Gosling! Gosling!
- Zoe! Zoe!

- No!
- Zoe. Zoe!

[sobbing]

- No!
- Come on!

- [whimpers]
- Zoe!

No! [sobbing]

[Gosling yips, whines]

- We have to go.
- We have to go now.

- Go now!
- Go, girls. Go.

- [overlapping chatter]
- All right, let's go !

Damn it, kick! Come on!

Let's go! Swim!

- Swim!
- Come on!

Let's go, damn it!

Kick! Go!

[snarling]

[screaming]

[yelling]

Come on! Here!

[snarling]

- [screaming]
- [snarling]

Oh, my God.

[Soft snarling]

[wheezing]

Just doesn't make any goddamn sense.

This is the same one from the bathroom.

Is he, like, on steroids or something?

Mary, does it look like a baseball player?

I don't know, Zoe.

I mean, how could...
how could it still be alive?

It isn't.

What?

It isn't alive.

Are you saying
what I think you're saying?

All right, enough talk.

[Blade scrapes]

What are you doing?

This.

Oh, Jesus.

Any questions?

[Sighs]

There's still no dial tone.

What, did the beavers do it?

For all we know, the dial tone
wasn't even on to begin with.

You okay?

[Sniffles]

Look, I am sorry about the dog.

About "the" dog?

It's my dog.
You killed my dog.

It's between us and a dog,
I'm gonna pick us every time.

If that's what makes me an asshole,
then so be it, man.

It does.

Asshole.

Oh, give me a break. It's a dog.

Oh, fuck you! I hate you!

- I hate you.
- Stop. Zoe, stop.

- Get off of me, Mary!
- Stop. Stop.

You stop.
You would take his side.

I'm not taking anyone's side!

Oh, yeah?

Tell that to Jenn.

Mary, what is she talking about?

That's right, Jenn.

The girl in the stupid picture with Sam,

it's fucking Mary.

Thanks, Zoe.

She has a right to know.

Everybody else does, for fuck's sake.

I didn't know.

Tommy.

Jenn, I was gonna tell you.

Doesn't matter.

We have bigger problems now.

[thumping]

[Roars]

- [thumping continues]
- It's them, isn't it?

Oh, you think?
They're everywhere.

[Roaring]

- Make it stop.
- It has to be some sort

of intimidation tactic
or something.

Well, it's working.

- Oh. my God!
- [tail slapping]

[growling weakly]

- Oh, my God!
- Make it stop!

Son of a bitch!

- [snarling]
- [thumping]

Is this what you want,
you fucks?!

[Snarling, thumping stop]

[snarling resumes]

They're just out there waiting for us.

We gotta get Buck to a hospital.

What about the neighbors' place?

Yeah, we could use their phone.

Oh, fuck that.

- I'll go for the car.
- Fuck that, too!

You stay here with the girls then.

I'll get Buck to a hospital
and send back help.

Give me Buck's foot.

[Groans]

I'm going with you.

No, Zoe, you can't.

I have to.

Eww.

They could be out there.

They are out there,
but like you said,

we don't have a choice.

Buck is clearly not gonna
make it through the night.

There's gotta be some other way.

Look, beavers are great swimmers,

but they're not that fast on land, okay?

- [Scoffs]
- Those things out there,

they're not beavers.

I'm gonna need your car,
'cause ours is down the road a ways.

Give me the keys.

Tommy, you don't have to do this.

Mary, it's okay.

Give me the keys.

Tommy.

Come on.

Come on, babe.

- [Buck grunts]
- Get the door.

I don't see anything. You?

Nah. My eyes are closed.

All right, let's go. Come on.

- Wait.
- [groaning]

[Both grunting]

Pick it up.

Hurry! Hurry!

Get the door!

Hurry, baby. Get in. Hurry!

They're in.

Come on. Come on.

It's a fucking hybrid.
You have to finesse it.

They made it.

[Sighs]

Maybe we should have
just gone with them.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe we should just leave.

[snarling]

[screaming]

- [thumping]
- Oh, no.

Wait a minute. Jenn...

Will somebody help me?

God, you really are a pussy.
Move.

We've got to board up
all of these windows.

I'll do the heavy lifting.

- The girls are safe with me.
- Move it this way.

Did you hear something?

Did I hear what?

Banging, hollering?

Oh, it's just those kids

scissoring each other
to Lady Gaga.

Well, I know it's those kids.

What do you want me to do about it,
call the police?

Well, I heard tires screeching.

You think we ought to go over there
and check up on 'em?

You never did know
when to mind your own business.

And you never did know
when to get up off your ass.

You really want me
to go over there

and check on a bunch
of college girls?

'Cause, you know, I might just
have to stay for their party.

- [laughing]
- Eww.

Pig.

[Soft snarling]

Buck?

- How you doing there, man?
- Uh...

- You hanging with us?
- Oh, God.

- No.
- It's okay, buddy.

Hey, hey, hey. Stay with us.
Stay with us, Buck.

Everything's gonna be good,
all right?

- [thud]
- Ohh! Chill out.

Shit.

- What the fuck?
- Fuck!

Oh, no!

- They did this.
- Oh, fuck!

Fuck!

Suck a bag of dicks!

Shit.

[Whimpers]

There's no way around this.

[Gasps] Look.

Oh, shit.
Shit. Wait here.

I'm gonna go check it out.

Be careful.

Hello?

There's no one here.

What are you doing?

There's guns and one ax.

You gonna steal 'em?

Yeah, whatever. We'll borrow 'em.

I promise I'll bring 'em right back.

Here.

What the hell am I
supposed to do with this?

Just take it, please.

Should we go back to the cabin?

No, just you guys.

What? Wait.

I'm gonna go and get some more guns,
load up the trunk.

You get everybody back to the cabin.

Please, get in the car,
and turn it around.

What... What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go ahead on foot
and get some help.

You're insane, Tommy.

Zoe, please just get in the car,
and hurry!

Zoe...

I'm sorry I never ate your pussy.

I want... I'm gonna go back
and eat all of it one day.

It's okay, baby.

We're gonna get out of here, okay?

It just smells so bad down there.

- [wood cracking]
- [Tommy screams]

- [tree thuds]
- Tommy?

Tommy!

No!

[sobbing]

[snarling]

No.

[gunshot]

You.

Looks like you're hemmed in a little bit.

Let's take my truck.

We have to save my boyfriend.

Well, come on. Let's get him.

Get out of here.

Come on, baby.

Hurry up! Get in!

[Screams]

Damn beavers.

I thought I told you to cover up.

[snarling outside]

They sound like babies.

Yeah, crazy fucking babies.

Nails, nails, nails,
nails, nails. Nails.

Towards me.

No duh.

"Come out to the lake.
Have a few laughs."

Damn it.

[snarling]

No.

What? What happened?

You do realize
that the whole point of a beaver

is that it fucking chomps wood?

Oh, well, if you want me
to cover the whole house

with sheet metal,
just say the word.

This just in.
If you are receiving this broadcast,

barricade your doors
and windows,

and do not leave your home,

unless you want the deal
of a century.

Come on down to Ashwood Toyo...

- [clicks off]
- Damn radio.

Back in the seventies,

beaver fever hit.

Stirred up the whole damn county.

Beaver fever?

Yeah, caused by the Giardia parasite.

Beavers carry it.

Affects people, too.

Affects them how?

Oh, diarrhea mostly.

What does have to do
with what's going on here?

AW of you guys got diarrhea?

No.

Well, that's good.

Doesn't matter anyway.

Whatever these beavers got out here,

I ain't seen nothing like it before.

Yeah, no kidding, mister.

Caught one in a trap
early this morning.

Only, it weren't dead.

And trust me,

it should've been real dead.

[snarling]

[Beaver whining]

They're leaving.

[cooing]

Why?

How the hell should I know?

Wait. Listen.

[truck engine approaching]

It's a truck.

It's Zoe.

What?

And Buck.

How did they get back so fast?

Maybe they brought help.

Or something went wrong.

There's someone else.
Wait. Is it the hunter guy?

What hunter guy?

- Do you see Tommy?
- Grab the cane.

Wait for me. Wait for me.

Shit, we need to get
the boards off the doors.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

Are you kidding?
Get over here, and help us.

I don't know if you know,
but those things

can come back in here,
and then we're all dead.

Fuck me.

Baby, come on. Let's get there.

Open up!

The door's all boarded up.

- Why?
- You know why the fuck why!

Well, hurry up.

You guys. Hey, you guys.

Hey, you guys,
you better turn around.

[growling]

Filthy, hairy beavers.

Baby, come on.
Get up. Get up. Get up.

[grunting]

Run. Run.

- Hurry.
- Come on.

Come on, baby. Come on.

[Beavers growling]

Sons of bitches.

[snarls]

It's okay, baby.

- [snarls]
- Come on.

Just a little bit further.

[panting]

They're not gonna make it.
There's too many of 'em.

[snarls]

Baby, let's step up. You got it.

They made it.

Jump up a little, baby.

Tommy's okay, right?

Yeah, I'm sure he's still out
getting help.

Right, 'cause there's
no reason to think otherwise.

ZOE: All right.

Hello?

Maybe they're not home.

Yeah,
that'd be wishful thinking.

[Gasps]

[Groans]

They couldn't be biting
through the phone lines

on purpose, could they?

Can't say for certain.

Beavers like to chew on shit,

especially twigs, branches,
blades of grass and such.

I suppose wires
fit the bill as well.

The phone in the cabin...

it didn't work either.

Stay here. I'll check upstairs.

When was the last time
you picked up an actual book?

In class. You should really
try it sometime.

Beavers are herbivores.

Great book.

Why don't you try
looking up zombie beavers?

They live in family groups
or colonies

and will defend their lodge
against other beavers.

Oh, oh, you think
the beavers think that they're...

that we're other beavers?

What the fuck?

Keen senses of hearing,
smell, and touch.

They live up to 24 years.

Just like us.

I mean
if we don't make it out of here.

They're monogamous.

Not like us.

Jenn, it was just...

it was just one of those things.

So you're saying it was a mistake?

JENN: Don't answer.

- You just did.
- Look,

once the three of us
are far away from this cabin,

we can sit down like adults.

We can try to figure out
why you both find me attractive.

Jenn, you have every reason
to hate me.

Why him?

I don't know.

Listen...

we cannot turn
against each other right now.

That is exactly
what the beavers would want.

[Sighs]

Let me see this.

"Animal behaviorists have found
beavers to be gentle,

reasoning creatures that like
to play practical jokes."

"They are considered to be
excellent at building tunnels."

I seriously need to lie down.

Okay.

All clear upstairs.

Appears the beavers have left
the premises for the time being.

What about the old lady?

Well, she's still in bed...

what's left of her, anyway.

What do you got there?

Sandwich?

No, it's Buck's foot.

We're keeping it on ice
so we could reattach it.

That's what we're supposed to do, right?

Keep it on ice?

Well, not directly on ice.
It kills the tissue.

Well, shit!
Well, what should I do?

Should I wrap it in a towel or something?

Well, I suppose that depends
on when it came off.

I don't know. This afternoon,

maybe four or five hours ago.

Technically,
I guess there's a chance

that they could sew
that sucker back on.

We'd have to be at the hospital
within the hour.

That ain't gonna happen.

Might as well
just chuck the damn thing,

call it a day.

I'm sorry.

You want some chicken?

There's plenty of it
in the fridge over there.

I don't want any chicken.

We need to go
to the hospital now.

Well, you know as well as I do
that road's blocked.

We sure as hell
can't get through on foot

in pitch dark...

with or without
carrying the big fella.

Plus, beavers are generally
more active at night,

so I suggest maybe we hole up here
until the morning.

Then one or two of us
could make a go at it.

But he could bleed to death overnight.

Yeah, well...

I could always cauterize the stump.

You sure you don't want some chicken?

I'm not hungry.

[door clicking, creaking]

Jenn?

You never cared
that Sam cheated, did you?

You only cared that it was me.

Jenn, I know that we've been
through a lot,

but this isn't gonna solve anything.

I love you, really, but I...

I just don't think of you this way.

[Nails rustling]

[Jenn grunting]

[Mary screaming]

[Roaring]

[snarling]

[grunts]

Come on. Come on. Let's go.

[fire crackling]

[coughs]

You've done this before, right?

No, ma'am,

but I've seen it on television
many a time.

- [Buck groans]
- It's okay.

[whimpering]

[echoing roar]

All right,
what the fuck was that?

[snarling]

[grunts]

[Ripping]

[Screams]

Buck!

SMYTH: Son of a bitch!

Buck,no!

- [groaning]
- [snarling]

[Bullet pings]

[Roars]

Fuck.

[snarling]

[Screams]

No!

[snarls]

Oh, no. No, Buck!

No. Stop it!

- [Snarling]
- [screaming]

[Lock clicks]

- [Panting]
- [Buck snarling]

[thumping]

What is she doing in there?

I don't know.

- [snarling]
- [tail thumping]

It's got to be some kind of virus
transmitted by the beavers.

[laughs] I mean, no shit.

Did you hear her?

I mean, did you
fucking see her face?

Do you think that we can help her?

I mean, do you think it's permanent?

I don't know.

She's gonna be on medication
for the rest of her life.

What are you doing?

Are you bit? Are you scratched?

- No, I'm fine.
- Take off your shirt.

Why?

Just take your fucking shirt off.

Calm down.

[snarling]

[Both scream]

[crying]

- [snarling]
- [gasps]

You fucking bitch.

[gun clicking]

- [Snarling]
- [both screaming]

[Mary screams]

[snarling]

SAM: All right.

[snarling]

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

[snarling]

They are fucking everywhere.

Oh, the truck. The truck.

It was still running
the last time I checked.

I'm not gonna make a run for it.

- [thumping]
- Mary.

- Take off your shirt.
- Why?

Take off your fucking shirt!

Fucking...

Satisfied?

Take off the rest.

Okay.

There's zombie beavers running around.

What the fuck? You don't care.

Turn around.

We done?

I guess so.

Your turn.

What's this?

[Both panting]

Mary, I promise I'm gonna
get us out of here.

Don't talk.

[snarling]

I want to take my glasses off.

No, no, it's hot. It's hot.

[Both panting]

Do you smell something?

What?

Smoke. Smoke. I smell smoke.

O-Okay. I'll take care of it.

I'll take care...

[both screaming]

[screaming]

Oh, God. Oh, God.

[gasping]

Oh, fuck me. [gasps]

[snarling]

Get in!

Where's Jenn?

They're all dead. Just go!

We're getting the fuck out of here.

Oh, shit. Zoe!

Get down!

Zoe, look out!

[Screams]

Are you okay?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[snarling]

Oh.

I think we woke the neighbors.

[snarling]

[Screams]

- Go!
- I'm trying!

Zoe, go! Go!

Fucking go!

- [echoing roar]
- [heavy thump]

[Roars]

I mean, really?

- [engine grinding]
- [snarling]

[Roars]

Is this truck
fucking covered in honey?

Go now!

Go!

- [Snarling]
- [both scream]

[panting]

[Squishes]

I never liked that bitch anyway.

[wood cracking]

[Brakes squeak]

- Why are we stopping?
- [turns off engine]

It's okay, Mary.

The trees are down ahead,

and we got to continue on foot.

[truck door clicks, creaks]

Come on.

- [whimpers]
- What?

[snarling weakly]

It's nothing. Just keep going.

We're gonna have
to go behind the car.

We have to go around it.

Come on. We're okay now, Mary.

We're gonna make it.

It's gonna be okay.

We just need to go
a little further.

Mary, what are you doing?

[gun cocks]

Where did you get that?

The glove compartment.

You got bit, and we both know

that you're gonna turn
into one of those things.

- No, we don't know that.
- Yes, we do!

Mary, I feel totally fine.
I swear.

What, is it this?

I jumped through a fucking window.

I ran through the woods.

They crushed my foot.

I did not get bit, Mary.

Shut up!
Do not come any closer.

You at least have to wait until I turn,

or else you'll be a murderer.

Zoe.

[gurgling]

Mary! Mary, no!

[Groans]

[Mary gasping]

[screaming]

[snarling continues]

[snarling stops]

[Ax scraping]

Hey, you see that girl?

Yeah, I see her.

I trust you.

[thud, splatter]

[funk music playing]

B-mark. Okay.

Beaver fever?

Yeah.

Caused by the...

Giardia parasite.
Beavers carry it.

[Both laugh]

Caused by the...

[laughs]

Fuck.
Caused by the Giardia parasite.

- It's very serious.
- [laughing]

This is fucking serious shit.

I'm sorry. Let's roll again.
Sorry, Jordan.

We're over there, and it's
Saving Private... Privates Ryan.

I think Ryan's right.

Jenn, we're up there sucking...

And fucking.

And fucking fucking, okay? And...

We almost have it.

We're in there sucking...

- And fucking.
- And... Yes.

And trucking.

- Keep going.
- I got nothing.

We're gonna go to Arby's
to get some apple turnovers.

Copy that. Over.

I got a hand job at an Arby's one time.

- Oh, yeah?
- Or did I give one?

[Both laugh]

- [snarls]
- Oh, no, the hand.

[laughter]

Action.

[laughs]

That's gnarly.

Gnarly. Gnarly. Gnarly.

Ka-nar-guh-ly!

Ka-nar-guh-ly?

[laughing]

The dog's supposed
to be scared of them.

I had a job for a minute
as one of those sign spinners.

Like... Like one
of those sandwich places?

Yeah, but I plugged it in.

I put some Christmas lights in it,
tried to get paid extra,

and I strangled my penis.

Strangled your penis?
How does that happen?

You can strangle your penis.

Were you doing
that flip behind your back,

and it came up
around your taint?

My penis was in a...
was in a rear naked choke.

Now, what kind of workman's comp
do you get for that?

You just get fired.

[Both laugh]

Could someone pull
my glasses down?

- Yep.
- Well, not you.

- Not you.
- [laughter]

I didn't want to move the hands.

- Okay.
- Do you like the...

[growling] moan,

or do you like the... [squeals]

- Both.
- I'll do the moan.

- You do the, "Ahh."
- Yeah.

My mom never loved me!
My mom never loved me!

Why are you with me?!
Why are you with me?!

What do you see in me?
I don't know.

- [laughter]
- That's okay.

Ready. Action.

Well, that is fucked up.

Cut.

- [Lounge music plays]
- ♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ You hear
your sweetheart scream ♪

♪ She tells you why,
you don't believe her ♪

♪ She saw one in the bathroom ♪

♪ It's no lie, it's a zombeaver ♪

♪ Contaminated by toxic goo ♪

♪ A random genetic mistake ♪

♪ They're semiaquatic,
they're hungry for you ♪

♪ Boys and girls,
stay away from the lake ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

- ♪ Zombeavers ♪
- ♪ Zombeavers ♪

- ♪ Zombeavers ♪
- ♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ A cheerful gang
of college students ♪

♪ Think they're on vacation ♪

♪ Instead, they're dodging
beaver chompers ♪

♪ And facing their damnation ♪

♪ Don't board up the doorways
and windows, my friend ♪

♪ It won't do any good ♪

♪ These furry brown bastards
are fully equipped ♪

♪ And they'll chew
right through the wood ♪

♪ Say goodbye
to your golden retriever ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ So brace yourself ♪

♪ You've never witnessed rodents
quite like these ♪

♪ Oh, Jesus Christ, you can't escape ♪

♪ They've blocked the road with trees ♪

♪ Check your bodies for scratches ♪

♪ You can't be too careful ♪

♪ Their claws are a cause for concern ♪

♪ Yes, once you're infected ♪

♪ It's only a matter of time
before you turn into ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

Spoiler alert.

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ Look out, they're coming
through the walls ♪

♪ Your girlfriend's
chewing off your balls ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

♪ Zombeavers ♪

Zombeavers, baby.

[Instrumental playing]

[Birds chirping]

[Bee buzzing]

[Bees buzzing]

[snarls]