Zombae (2022) - full transcript

♪ Mysterious instrumental music ♪

(howls)

♪ Mysterious instrumental music ♪

♪ tempo picks up ♪

♪ music becomes more chaotic ♪

(splat sounds
with each title card)

(swirling sounds)

♪ Ominous sounding music ♪

♪ suspenseful music continues ♪

♪ pink panther-
suspense type music ♪

♪ suspense music continues ♪



(footsteps with uptempo
chase style music)

♪ Uptempo Agatha Christie
style suspense music ♪

(a little more
sinister sounding)

(tires screeching)

(Alien sounds -
like a flying saucer)

(sigh)

SHELLY: The day ended like
any other day, traffic from hell

after another dreary temp job.
Accountant temp work is

a long slow death.

Windowless rooms,
mindless data entry,

and rooms with no heat,
I'm not a vampire.

Accountants are
not faceless drones.

Though to be honest, the
clowns they signed me to today

were a bunch of lifeless
number crunching zombies.



Oh well, home again,
home again, chickity chick.

♪ Mysterious music ♪

Home, be grateful for what
you have, that's what I say.

BILL: Hi sweetie,
watch the plastic.

Honey, what are you doing?

I couldn't just
sit around anymore,

so I had to do something.

You're repainting the house.

I'm not so sure paint's
gonna help this place.

Still got a lot of prep
work and taping to do,

how was your day?

It was fine, any
luck on your end?

Nothing, no, no meetings.

Uh, your brother called.

What did Charlie want?

What he always wants,
another conspiracy story.

I hope he's not back
together with Vanessa again.

She's not as weird
as the last one.

True, she was a tramp.

The word is skank, Shell,
he's too odd for a tramp.

Anyway he said he
couldn't make dinner

tomorrow something about a
meeting or something.

Hmm.

SHELLY:
And so all was normal,

Bill half reading, half
watching his geek show

on some Roman legion blah
diddy blah, that's my man.

One of these days I'll have
to call the cable company.

They cancelled our service but
never actually turned it off.

Eh, screw em.

He hadn't written
a note in so long,

Bill was such a romantic
before the job trouble.

"Roses are red, violets
are blue, we maybe poor

but I so love you, yours
through eternity, Bill.

Aw, I love it Bill, thank you.

I love you too.

We're gonna work through
this, just like everything else.

And I know your next job
is right around the corner.

You are too good at what
you do for it not to be.

Hey did you get the detergent?

♪ Dance club music ♪

Hey, you think I
should get one of these?

(TV noise in background)
What? What are they hawking now?

TV:
Waiting for it's next meal.

Do something, be the hunter,
with hunter's friend,

the all new, all natural, and
all organic male enhancement

from Somoco Inc.

Bill you hunt just fine.

Did you get the, uh...

Detergent, yeah
it's on the washer.

Like I said, same old, same old.

♪ Upbeat plucky music ♪
We're connected,

we finish each other sentences,

nothing could keep us apart.

Damn spiders!
(crunches sound effect)

Ugh! I hate creepy things, Bill.

Yeah, I'll clean that up.

♪ Mysterious instrumental music ♪

Amazing how fast
eight years goes by.

♪ Mysterious music ♪
(metal clanks)

Honey, can you go check the
backdoor, see if it's locked?

I think there's some kids
out there or something.

Okay.

Probably another opossum,
don't worry sweetie,

I got this.

(scary tones)

(snores)

Turn over, you're snoring again.

(groans - then a crash sound)

Bill?

(thud) Ah!
(crashes)

(tense creepy music)

SHELLY: Here's a tip,
someone breaks into your house,

the first thing you grab
shouldn't be a puzzle box.

No one is afraid of puzzles,
anyway I keep going.

I figure a stupid homeless
dude broke in for food

or the flat screen.
And that's when I see them.

I look down, it's Bill!

You ever have a dream
where you try to scream

but nothing comes
out, Bill lay dead.

He killed him with our
only decent carving knife.

(CRACK! SCARY SCOUND)

(cracks with each move)

(groans)

(screams)

♪ Tense music ♪

It keeps coming so fast!

It was like a deranged shark.

(growls)
(screams)

(clang as the wood
hits. Then squish)

(he groans, gargles)

(eating sounds)

Everything blurred as I
passed out, but I swear

I thought I saw him take
a bite of the brain.

TV: Each side
found itself trapped.

After several weeks
of skirmishes and faltering end

runs, the southern
forces began to rally

on the night of the ninth.

Bill?

TV: By morning, the
northern generals realized

they were facing
possible defeat.

Beginning with a
volley of cannon fire.

Can you close the blinds Shell?

You've been a busy
bee, look at this place.

Can you turn off the
lights, I'm just so tired.

Aw, of course you are sweetie,
what time did you wake up?

I had the craziest
dream last night.

I-uh-It's more of a nightmare
really, I never have nightmares.

Last night you were dead and I-
Ooh...

Boy, I need some
coffee and aspirin bad.

You want me to make you some?

Mm.

(laughs)

Crazy stuff.

(snores)

♪ Mysterious music ♪

Bill, why did you?

Bill, sweetie?

We gotta talk.

Bill, wake up.

Bill, oh my God, get up Bill.

You're hurt, oh my God,
Bill, wake up we're gonna take

you to the hospital,
please don't die on me baby.

You're so cold, oh my God.

I'm so-, in-, see
and-, oh - ♪light music ♪

Oh hi, Shell.

Hi

I'm so tired, what time is it?

Oh right, yeah I think
I can explain that,

it's all a little blurry but...

Honey, you look like crap,

and that wound is
horrible what happened?

Oh this, it doesn't
really hurt or anything.

But, I am quite tired.

You're so cold, I
mean really really cold.

No, no, no it's okay
I'm fine, no blanket.

Maybe just some hydrogen
peroxide or something for this.

Maybe the Jenson's dog bit me.

I'm pretty sure that's a-

a human tooth.

Your wound looks really
bad, it's gonna need stitches.

Let's go to the ER.

On a Sunday, it'll be
a horror show, weirdos...

And doctors we
can afford, let's go.

(rumbles from stomach)

Okay, I'm gonna need a minute.

♪ Mysterious music ♪

Bill?

(crunches)
(screams, he groans)

(groans, growls)

(WHACK!)

I ate him for you.

(crunches)

I could've sworn I killed him,

and that's when I called you.

CLAIRE: Okay, I thought
that you were making this up,

but he's actually
sucking the thumb.

Do you have any rope,
duct tape, a machete?

I should get his C-PAP mask.

His sleep apnea
is not the issue.

He could die in his sleep.

Shelly, he's sucking
a thumb that isn't his.

Yes, yes but...

Where is the rest of the corpse?

That's a good question.

All I found was a
suit, no bones no blood,

no wallet, nothing,
but I did find this.

Okay, that is disgusting.

Guy never brushed.

Okay, when he wakes up we are
going straight to the hospital.

Yeah and then they ask what
happened and call the police

and he goes to jail for murder.

Cannibalism as self defense.

Semantics.

No it's like stand your
ground, only eat your ground.

Okay, with no body once he's
done with dessert, he's clear.

And then what, I tell the
doctor that he got bit by a dog

or an opossum?

Shelly, this bastard
was trying to kill you, okay?

Bill was just
protecting his wife.

He ripped the guys
brain out and ate it.

I saw him.

I need a drink.

(whips sound effect)

Oh shit!

This guy just tried
to eat me, did you see

this bastard is
trying to eat me.

Dear, dear wake up dear come on.

I seem to have
fallen asleep again.

Jesus, it smells like you
ate the ass end of a cow Bill.

No, a banker I think.

Don't... Don't worry guys I'm
really feeling much better,

like I just drank 10 Red Bulls,
I feel invigorated, strong.

You also smell strong
honey, so why don't you go

take a shower and we can talk
about why you ate a banker

when you're clean.

Oh, uhf, yeah
that's not right, ugh.

I'll be back.

I'll take that dear, oh!

I warned you about marrying him.

Oh there's a little bit
of banker still back there.

There we are.

He saved my life, that is love.

Twisted sure, but love.

Shelly, what are you doing?

Okay. Looks good, that
looks good, alright I got this.

Cleaning is not the answer.

He's obviously just fine.

Listen, he's humming, what
sick man hums in the shower?

Ow. Hey, ow, Jesus,

honey did you turn
the water heater up?

Wow this water is crazy hot.

No dear, you okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

Uh, a little early for
that don't you think?

You know, you
better double bag that,

you don't want the
neighbor's dog getting after it.

So he got a little hungry.

(sigh sound)
Yeah,

finger licking good.

Funny.

Okay, so it wasn't a dream,
that guy really did attack me.

Shelly stop look, this
is what happened okay?

Some ass wipe busts into
your house and jumps you

alright, the blood, Bill
ripping the guys brains out

and eating them, (sobbing sound)

No, stop, that never happened.

Look, okay,

Bill despite being a
lazy ass, jumped the guy.

Ok. Cuts his hand off, and
then you know just used it

as a chew toy.

Oh god.

Okay but the dream is
just your PTSD dealing with

seeing all this shit alright?

Now there's some
naked one handed weirdo

running around town.

Right, a naked one handed man.

You can't explain this away.

I don't know, what-(stuttering)

Bill's subconscious
told him to eat it?

What are you trying to say,

you trying to say
Bill's a cannibal?

(scary rock music)

(thuds)
Die you piece of shit!

It did happen, it did it did!

I told you, Bill is a cannibal!

No, Bill is not a cannibal...

he's a zombie.

Light.

I am damn hungry though?

Sweetie, we got any
meat, I feel like meat.

Ever have a craving for meat?

Man I could eat a moose.

Beer, yes.

Ah, hot, hot
it burns, these are spicy.

I think they've gone bad.

Oh god beer's gone
bad too, yuck.

Ah, maybe just some meat.

Yeah.

SHELLY: Bill, that
is raw sausage.

Okay now that's gross.

Why don't you go
put some clothes on

and we can figure
out what to do, okay?

CARRIE: That is disgusting,
you need to get him

to a doctor.

Or one of those guys in the
white Hazmat anthrax suits.

I can hear you Carrie,
I am standing right here.

♪ Plucky music ♪

I'm fine, I'm just gonna
turn on the history channel

and watch the Nazis lose again.

(rustling plastic sound )

(sharp impact sound)

According to the
science channel,

nerves can stay alive for days.

Shelly, I think he was bit okay?

That means he's
infected as well.

A cannibalism virus,
that's SciFi channel,

or Fox news.

What, what are you gonna say?

We've got this murderous hand

we're just shoving
into the disposal?

Well then what do we do,
we should call someone?

No.

(grinding and
cracking sound effect)

You called me, okay,
that's as far as this goes.

What are you gonna do,
call the police, yeah right?

I don't know Carrie.

Hey!

We quit together, remember?

Tummy.

(crunches and
grinding sound effect)

Okay, that's it, done, no
evidence, no nothing alright?

Uh huh.
Deal?

Uh huh.

Valium's still in the bathroom?

Upper cabinet left.

♪ Scary dramatic music ♪

(violent grinding sound effect)

TV: The mission was
a complete success

thus ensuring the
destruction of the Nazi rail gun

and the threat to
England and it's allies.

Join us next week as we
explore how the Allies

broke the enigma code and
how a single spy named Garbo

deceived the entire Third Reich
on the beaches of Normandy.

♪ Upbeat Pink Panther type music ♪

Hey, what happens next?

We're out of raw
meat and Jimmy Deans.

I'm fine, just tired is all.

I know what I am.

We are all animals deep
down and last night,

when our lives were on
the line I went primal.

Just total
caveman, that's it, yeah,

it's the true caveman diet.

Yeah, is that uh, is
that National Geographic,

or was that like
Discovery Channel diet?

I'm serious, someone
was attacking my woman.

My woman, so I
took them out, bam.

Yeah, more like chomp
chomp, where's the ketchup.

It's not funny.

It's okay, go ahead and
laugh, I know who I am.

No one touches my baby.

No one.

You're really cold.

CARRIE: Jesus, you're
sticky and clammy too.

No, stop it, you guys
are the ones that are hot.

Your hands are scalding. What?

Just stay there, I'm
getting the thermometer.

Well.

CARRIE: Whoa,
whoa, take it easy tiger.

I'm fine.

Aren't you doctor mommy?

I think it's broken

Here let me...
Let me see. You try.

(stuttering)
I don't.

(heart beats)

We're going to the ER right now.

(glass shattering sound)
Poison!

Spit it out, spit it out!

Ah! Hot, hot, it burns.

Carrie go get the
ipecac, it's on the top shelf

next to the Valium.

Got it.

Don't swallow, just rinse.

(gurgling)
Oh, honey!

Oh god, too hot, too
hot, what was that?

Jesus Shelly, no more water.

It's straight from the tap.

See it's just fine.

Ah Jesus.

Ah... That's better.

Shelly I couldn't find it.

It's in the, uh...
Fine you watch him.

(slipping heavy thud sounds)

(sniff sound effect )
♪ ominous organ music ♪

(low growl sounds)

Carrie, guys I'll
be right there.

(screams)
Bill!

No, no eating Carrie,
oh my god, oh god.

No, bad, did you do this?

No, no she fell.

I swear I don't know
what came over me,

I'm just so damn hungry.

She was lying there
bleeding and I just...

(sharp impact sound)

(phone rings)

(grunts)
(cracks)

Hello? OPERATOR: Hello.

Hello.

OPERATOR: This is a courtesy
call from your gas company.

Without further payment,
your service at one, one, four

south Milo street will be...

SHELLY:
That sucks.

Carrie, easy.

You were going to eat my brains.

No I was a little out of my
mind, I was just so hungry.

(knocking on door)

You expecting someone?

No, Shelly, tell
them we're eating.

Okay.

(knocking on door continues)

I know you're home guys,
come on, I have a key remember.

Don't make me call the sheriff.

Just pay the rent.

I'm sorry, I'm indisposed.

Don't make me call the
sheriff, just pay the rent.

Any part of the rent.
You're three months back.

You were trying to
break into our home.

No, well yes.

The lease says I
can for just cause.

So just let me in Ms. Sampler.

Guys, go hide, I'll handle this.

But we don't have the money.

Don't look at me.

Carrie, wipe your nose.

And Bill, your ear is leaking.

(knocking on door)

You guys, go, go, go, go go!

(knocking continues)

MR SCOURGE: Alright,
I'm calling the sheriff.

I'm sorry for the
delay Mr. Scourge,

I had to get presentable.

I know we owe
you a little money.

Yuck, what are you doing?

Who said you could paint?

There goes the security deposit.

What we have here Ms.
Sampler is an impasse

that can only be resolved
with the payment of money.

You're coming in here to
steal something weren't you?

You're not a nice man.

I'm not the thief here.

I pay my bills, it's time for
you to pay your rent or else.

On Friday you're gonna
be four months behind.

N-No, Uh...

Y-you said three months
a-and we don't have it Marvin.

May I call you Marvin?

No, no you may
not call me Marvin.

Fine, fine, maybe
we can make a deal.

Do you have any gold, jewelry,
maybe an expensive watch?

Where's your husband?

No he's out on business
all day, making money.

Oh yeah, you know
a little makeup - you could be

a very pretty woman,
you know you got this little

naughty librarian
thing going on.

I find it very intriguing.

Uh... Okay you need to go now.

Like you said,
I'm not a nice man.

And I'm not leaving
'til I get something.

I'll write you a
check, post dated.

No, I'd rather collect now.

Whoa, looky here.

Why would you hold out on me?

That's not-uh.

There's enough money
here to cover your rent.

So we just have to deal with
the late penalty charges,

we can barter for those.

No, hey, hey, get-get off of me.

Nobody touches my wife.

(biting and screaming sounds)

Honey, honey-
you just ate a guy.

Close your eyes baby,

that much meat would
make anybody sleepy.

(burping sound effect)

Always liked Italian.

(gagging sound effect)

Your husband just ate
a man in like 10 seconds.

He is impressive,
sanitize when you're done,

that's a food prep area.

I deserve a cut of that,
this is gonna scar me for life.

There's mouthwash
under the sink.

Six hundred, 20, 40,
you might want to floss.

♪ Tense music ♪
(footsteps)

(scary sound effect)

I shoved both
bags to the bottom.

Dumpster was full.

I feel filthy.

I think we need to face facts.

Yeah.

We need to call the cops.

Bill is a zombie.

Carrie what do I do?

We tie him up and we get help.

He's the love of my life.

He's sick.

He protected me.

Shelly he eats people,

like-like... really fast
and licks his fingers.

And the rent is taken
care of maybe forever.

He ate the landlord
before he went to the bank,

I don't think that counts.

Good point, I'll make
a deposit in the morning.

Shelly you... you are
married to the living dead.

He's a zombie or a cannibal,
either way this is wrong.

And you're the zombie expert.

What are we gonna
do when he attacks us?

That is impossible,
Bill would never touch me.

We have been together
since the seventh grade.

Okay, this is gonna
be really hard for you

but we have to drive a
stake through his heart.

That's vampires!

Okay, then we gotta crush
him in a printing press,

or chop off his
head, I don't know.

Ew and that's robots,
and I will not kill Bill.

Put the mace down.

Do you think the Rolex is real?

No.
Hmm.

Okay there could be more
zombies coming right now.

I mean this-this could be
like a whole zombie invasion.

No those diamonds are real.

Well whatever the case,
Bill is our protector.

He is my zombie bodyguard.

Yeah, until he's hungry again.

Okay I'm telling
you this right now,

I'm not going to be
someone's last supper.

Carrie, I married him
for better or for worse,

that means
whether he has the flu

or the hunger or
something gross like that skin

rotting off disease.

Ebola?

My husband is in
there, and when he wakes,

♪ mysterious music ♪
he's gonna want to eat.

I'll be right back.

♪ Upbeat dance music ♪

JACK:
Alright, there you go.

Thank you Jack, you
guys are a lifesaver,

seriously though.

JACK:
No problem.

(groan followed by a splat)

TEX: May I help
you with your meat?

'Scuse me?

Don't often see a milf like you

on a Sunday buying so much meat.

A what? Who even says
that? I'm not even a...

None of your damn business.

I find a few gray
hairs on a woman sexy.

Really?

Think you could satisfy
a deep animal hunger,

or are you just a
flabby hunk of meat?

Are you some kind of freak?

What no, I...

Yes.

Yes I am.

And I need to
feed a deep hunger.

♪ Upbeat suspense music ♪

Bill?

Bill?

Oh hey, Tex, take it easy there.

I'm gonna go freshen up.

I see your husband isn't home.

My husband, how
did you know I was, oh.

Or maybe he is home,
and likes to watch?

I'm a modern guy, we can
even take turns if you like.

Look this is a big mistake.

Oh no mistake.

♪ Scary, dramatic music ♪

Yeah, mistake.

(crunches)
(screams)

Bill, honey when you're
done, put the clothes and stuff

on the table, and can you
please fold it this time?

Oh, and I bought you these!

Who's is that?

Nobody's!

Oh Jesus, not another one.

There's nothing to worry about.

Oh there's
something to worry about.

(Gasp sound)

Freak bit me when I fell down.

Bill, you bit another woman!

Come on sweetheart, I... oh
wow that is pretty deep.

It wasn't me,
sweetie it wasn't my fault.

(thuds)

♪ Mysterious serene music with
body crunches in background ♪

(whack... thud)

(crunch sounds)

Great, now
Carrie's the living dead.

God damn it Bill, she
was my best friend.

Honey, honey, it
was a nothing bite.

She's not my type,
come on pumpkin.

SHELLY: Anyone else
that you've bitten and forgot

to tell me about?

I've only been a
zombie since last night.

What it's a good cut.

(ominous ambience)

What is it, what do you
guys have some sort of

dog hearing now?

Yeah.

It's like a weird...

They're calling us.

Who's calling, I
don't hear anything.

The zombies.

They're calling out.

Lock the doors, we've
got company coming.

(faint growls can be
heard in distance)

(faint police siren sounds)

So what do we do now?

We sit quietly and
hope they move on.

I smell at least 10.

At least.

You can smell them too?

It's a cross
between smell and hear.

Yeah one bite and
you can smell too.

I'm good.

Ah, way... way too hot sweetie.

I'm getting sleepy.

Well, you ate all
the food she bought,

you should be in a meat coma.

You ate all the steaks.

I was hungry.

Call Larry's.

Meat pizzas?

Meat pizza delivery men.

No, and besides, Larry's
only uses delivery girls.

This whole eating
other women thing

is really making
me uncomfortable.

You want me to eat men?

Hm.

Wait, where are you going?

My husband and my
best friend are hungry.

Call Charlie.

No, you are not
eating my brother.

No, he could help
us, he's into all that

government cover up,
UFO conspiracy crap,

maybe he knows
something about this.

About zombie
cannibalism conspiracy.

We're not zombies,
this is something else.

He's right, Zombies are
mindless flesh eating zombies,

but you guys aren't mindless.

Except when we eat.

My brother will know what to do.

Charlie, Shelly, yeah,
listen I need you to get,

get down here asap,
yes it's an emergency.

And I need you to bring meat.
Uh... bring 20 steaks no, no, no

40.40 steaks
big ones, yes, yes.

And it's an
emergency, chop, chop,

I need you to get down here.
I have cash, yes, yes.

No it's not a
party, it's serious.

Oh, you guys eat brains right?

Bring some calf brains.

Shoot, he hung up.

Okay, I am going to
go powder my nose

and you guys guard the house.

Put the couch back, I
am not living this way

zombies or no zombies.

♪ Tense music ♪

I will not live
this paranoid life.

Everything has to stay normal.

You think you have it bad?

My body's so cold I could
chill a beer with my tits.

If I had any.

What we need is a
doctor or a specialist

or one of those guys from
the government, the CDC.

Yeah. Yeah, I've been
vegan for five years

and I just ate a calf.

It's like this uncontrollable.

Charlie better get here soon.

Okay guys I'm
gonna say it again,

I think that we should go
to the ER and just risk it.

Yeah we got to the ER,
we're unnoticed, we have cash,

we'll have a snack.

What?

We'll only eat the dead ones.

When I was eating
that guy, I felt strong.

The hunger makes you feel like

you're all steroids
and power, unstoppable.

Yeah, Charlie
better get here soon.

Fine what we need
is a distraction.

Oh, I know what.

(faint clock tick sound
fills the room)

(laughs)

I won again!

Is that actually
working for you?

Oh, It's meat-ish parts.

(doorbell ring sound)
Charlie!

I told you he'd make it.

Hello, I'd like to
tell you about something

that could change your...

Dear, it's men, salesmen.

Mormons, should I
invite them for dinner?

Mormons, very clean.

Organic.

Hey, sorry, sorry I'm late.

I, uh, I got
everything you asked for.

Sorry fellas we'll have
you for dinner another time.

So hopefully
this will be enough.

Whoa, what the hell?

How much do I owe you?

250 plus gas and what the fuck?

290 actually with taxes
an-and mileage, 300 is easier.

300 is easier.

Or 350 if you include
snacks and whatnot,

definitely had snacks.

And then Carrie
started eating raw meat,

and that was it.

Now you tell me this is a
curable African heart of

darkness amazon river zombie
infection virus thing right?

Well they're not eating the
styrofoam so it's not Pika.

It was very smart of you to
call me first, not the cops.

I mean this is the hallmark
of the agency all over it.

Then you know what this is?

Probably, yeah, my
sources hear things.

Some outbreaks here and there,

a couple of CDC coverups
in Seattle and Chicago.

This isn't swine flu.

Or that that Stica.

Zika, no, this is
night of the living dead

That is to say, private sector,
that is to say, the government

covering up it's ass.

Come on Charlie.

This is what I do, alright,
I am a geek for this shit.

The geek, and now you two and
my sister, this is so cool.

We might need to
cut their heads off.

No!
What?

Honey, put the
plastic in the recycling.

You can't recycle styrofoam.

Yes you can.

No you can't, Shell
but it doesn't matter,

I feel like we have
two options here.

Either we blow this
thing wide open or we run.

Now what happened
to the infect or?

The what?

The infect or, the
originator, the prime,

the one that bit Bill.

We uh.

We disposed of it.

Okay, do you have
anything left, a finger?

Not so much.

Fine, how long between feedings?

I don't know, they
ate before I called you

but they seem to be
getting hungrier now,

faster for sure.

Okay, you come with me.

There's some kind
of an antidote,

or an anti virus thing right?

Okay, um no, we need
to cut their heads off

before the next feeding.

My husband and my best
friend are in that room,

no head cutting off.

There has to be something else.

Okay, okay, okay, I'm
gonna go back to my place,

get some supplies and
some notes, my research.

I'm taking Carrie with me.

Why?

Zombie bodyguard to
fight against Zombies,

and men in black.

We gotta fight fire with fire.

I mean we don't know who
else is infected out there.

Carrie, you're coming with me.

Sis, lock up behind us,
and if Bill gets hungry.

No!

Then you need to find an
overnight butcher that delivers.

Let's go.

Carrie, no eating Charlie,
he's our only hope right now.

I'm so tired, why am
I going with the geek?

You're the muscle.

♪ Ominous music ♪
(sniffing sound effect)

They're out there,
not moving, still.

Sweetie, you have any, want
me to make you something?

Not much of an appetite, thanks.

I don't hear anything Bill.

It's like they're sleeping,

quiet.

Right, the sleeping dead.

We are gonna get
through this together.

Charlie, he's going to figure
this out, he's has a lot of...

He's an idiot.

He's gonna come back, no,
only Carrie's coming back.

Bill, we are not gonna
fall into negativity.

This is hard
enough without those,

I am not gonna fall...
(sobbing sound effect)

We are going to be alright.

We can do this.

Yes, Charlie's gonna come back.

We will get through
this, we will work it out.

I'm sure he's got a geek
buddy that knows a guy,

that knows a guy.
(sobbing sound effect)

All we have to do
is love each other.

Ow, shit you're so hot.

You're so cold.

Maybe.
♪ Emotional music ♪

I know, yeah, kinky right?

The glove is fine.

Just being careful.
See?

Yeah.

We may not have another
moment like this, alone I mean.

I love you so much.
(belly grumbling sound)

I guess I am hungry.

We can order in, you don't
want to cook in this kitchen

anyway, we'll call Larry's.

Sure, but...

this is not gonna be
our last night together.

Ah, a little hot.

It's just the nose,
yeah that's better.

♪ Upbeat mysterious music ♪

Ah, you're a reader, derivative.

What, you read Isaacs?

It's nothing original.
What? A girl can't read?

No I just never
pegged you as uh...

A reader?

Don't pretend to know
me conspiracy boy.

You mind if I look around?

Sure, mi casa es su casa.
(my house is your house)

Have any snacks?

So what exactly
are we looking for?

I have notes on a
program called Y38,

it's a subprogram of MK Ultra.

I'm a zombie because the
CIA used LSD on hippies

40 years ago.

Not at all, it's
a sister program.

♪ Scary music ♪
(growling sound effect)

Okay, I have all beef
hot dogs in the fridge.

(she growls)

Okay, continue
with your weird ideas.

Okay, so not for sure but
this has to do with spores.

See in the spring especially
after a long hot winter,

thank you global warming,
proceeded by extreme fire

seasons, we get this kind
of an event, see, that we're

in right here.

What full moons or sun spots?

Exactly, that's the key.

Sunspots?
Yeah, so we get these

dust storms off the Sahara
that go across the Atlantic,

ergo higher hurricane seasons.

Well that would be great,
it would clear it out.

Right, but that didn't
happen so here we are.

In your apartment.

No, Sutters Mill, spring
of '91, the Waco coverups.

Waco was a bunch
of religious nuts.

Air France plane
landing in Brazil.

Everything destroyed,
nothing recovered.

Why, because they
were already dead.

This goes way back.

Bombay, India '42
there's a huge outbreak

then flooding covers thousands,

that is how the
spores get spread.

But one infected survives,
he stows away to Europe,

German scientists capture
him then after World War II,

we get the scientists,
then we make our own lab

and bingo, it's simple stuff.

Hey that's my survival.

(growling sound effect)

Yeah it is,
never mind, you enjoy.

Uhm, so with your case it
probably started with that lab

in Ames, they have
really lousy security,

everybody knows that.

You come prepared, impressive.

Boy scout.

Girl scout, special ops, Marine.

Semper Fi, alright that
means that you get to carry

the heavy one.

Right, zombie marine, that's
really, oh, I actually have

to get something hold on.

Hey, so I figure
we ditch Burbank,

and then we can
just take the five

♪ ominous music ♪
up towards Sacramento.

There should be plenty of
places for you to feed up there.

Then once we take
it on that way.

And the zombie ex-marine
is staring at me.

Explain, now.

Okay, that's not
literal, like obviously

that's not literal, this is,
just, okay so hypothetically

yes, but honestly that's more
for like mummy living dead

than it is like
zombie living dead.

Like clearly I didn't,
that's not for you.

I would never do that to
you, you're too beautiful.

Let's get back.

Good, good plan. You know...

Hey, we can stop by a
butcher along the way

and just get you a
snack or whatever.

Honey?

SHELLY:
Yes?

Sweetie.

What dear?

We need to talk.

I'm right here dear.

BILL:
I think we need to.

What dear?

We need to.

We need to what?

We need to get a plan,
like a really good plan.

First of all, I will
not have you going around

eating people all willy nilly.

Besides being gross, we can
get into a lot of trouble.

This is all new
territory for me.

There's gotta be better
ways to attack your hunger.

What we need is
appetite control.

It's an animal thing.

♪ Upbeat music ♪

Roar. Roar.

Uh, I'm not sure now
is the best time to.

Mm hmm, look at that, seems
like nature has other plans.

(clapping sound effect)
(giggling sound effect ensues)

No biting.

Seriously.

I'm gonna bite you.

♪ Shots of my fire water ♪

♪ In the morning with
my perfect hangover ♪

One, two, three,
four, five pizzas.

Salami.

Oh, just the one had cheese huh?

Yes ma'am, don't get
much call for that.

You throw interesting parties.

It's an Andrew
Zimba bizarre parties.

But ma'am you
forgot your change.

Just keep it.

(moaning sound effect)

Good, good, brains,
want some brains?

No thank you, you enjoy really.

What is it Bill,
is it bad brains?

Oh no, use this.

It's the meat, it burns.

Try some liver.

No, no cow parts, I
need brains, human brains.

No Bill, fight it,
damn it, hold on.

I'm sorry, there was one more...

♪ See the true color ♪

♪ I don't think I can get enough ♪

♪ You're my perfect hangover ♪

Yeah, pizza girl, not a chance.

♪ You're my perfect hangover ♪

So Shelly, how was your weekend?

Oh you know, same old same old,
had some friends for dinner

at least my husband did.

My husband, the man I
married, the love of my life,

likes to eat human
brains, who knew (laughs).

(rumbling sound effect)

(knocking sound effect)

Bill! Bill wake up
there's another one.

CHARLIE:
Come on it's us!

(knocking sound
effect continues)

Shelly let us in.

Hey sis, made it as
quick as we could.

We don't have much time.

But.

Yeah we'll we're being watched.

There's two guys in a
car across the street.

Agency moves fast.

We need to get her fed
as soon as possible and...

Hey pizza.

Ooh, brains and liver.

CHARLIE: Wait did
Bill eat the pizza girl,

she was cute.

She was an orphan,
don't worry about it.

They'll be back
and I'll be ready.

Okay, machete
boy, put that away.

You said agents, what agents?

There's only three
types of people out there, now.

One, the zombies, two, the
agents who hunt the zombies.

And three?

The food, us,
humanity, the food.

Put that away.

Fine, I'll do
Bill, you do Carrie.

What, the salami wasn't
good enough for them?

He tried, but all of
the meats made him sick.

I see.

Okay well then he's
advanced farther than I thought.

See, the virus
mutates his whole system

until he becomes full zombie.

I thought, well, I hoped that
it would be a 72 hour cycle,

but he's now progressed to
the point where he can't

digest anything other
than human flesh.

So we're in real trouble.

♪ Intense music ♪
(choking sound effect)

Ew, it's sausage casing.
Ugh...

When they eat, they're
mindless, they're like sharks.

I'm so tired.

Charlie, take
her to the bedroom.

(knocking sound effect)

What is it the girl scouts now?

(knocking sound effect)

PICK:
Shelly?

We can to this the hard
way that's up to you.

We know about the
landlord, I have a warrant.

Where are you,
where's the warrant?

This isn't a warrant.

Read, all of it.

What kind of FBI agents
dress like Mormons.

Where's your bible?

Well come in then.

So, where's your husband?

Ah ha.

He sure is a sound sleeper.

This says that you have
presidential authority...

To acquire, restrain
and detain with prejudice.

Deny nothing, we
know everything.

We know about the
dead delivery girl too.

What a waste.

Look this is about
survival, you want to live

you'll do exactly as I say.

No, no, no she'll do
nothing of the sort.

I know who you are.

And look, you even match,
that's so cute isn't it Shell?

Hm, and we know you,
Charles Benjamin Ford.

College dropout,
conspiracy blogger,

fired by Best Buy for
using store computers

to hack the NSA.

Is that where you
got the big screen TV?

Not the time Shell,
super not the time.

A lie is a lie Mr. Ford.

Look I expose agents
like you online every day.

Alright so what's the
lame name of your crappy

black ops operation.

I think he said FBI.

I don't think he said anything.

We didn't say FBI.

Look, this right here,
this is straight off

an HP color printer, fake.

So who are you guys anyways.

Beat 'em.

(electrical zapping sound)

Which one you want
me to start with?

Start with the female.

Oh god what is
wrong with you guys?

Hm, must be that one.

(cracking sound effect)

Winner winner chicken dinner.

Come on zombie, there you
go, come on that's right.

Come to daddy.

Come on!

(thud and zap sound effect)

(groan sound)

What did you do to Charlie!

Oh come on, it's just a
few thousand patriotic volts.

He's gonna be fine.

Back off!

Hm, Stockholm syndrome.

(growling sound)

No Bill stop it!

(electric zap sound)

There you go.

(electric zapping continues)

Bill!

He's a zombie ma'am, what
am I gonna do, kill him?

He's already dead!

(sobbing sound)

You should thank us, it
was only a matter of time.

We're gonna take him
to some place safe.

Watch your hands.

No.

(thuds)
♪ upbeat music ♪

I'll cut your head off, bitch.

Carrie! Nobody calls
my friend a bitch.

(zap sound)

I hope you like barbecue!

They just don't carry
much cash around huh?

Yeah well, I feel like
moneys probably not an issue

now that you know, we, they
killed two federal agents.

What federal agents?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You know, phones can
be traced on or off

as long as the
battery is still in.

Really, NSA.

Semper Fi who ha.

Blank cards, are they
credit card thieves?

I don't know.

Probably opens some unmarked
door in some unmarked office

in the basement of an
incredibly dangerous building.

I don't know, he
was a spook, a spy.

Was he some sort
of a Bourne dude?

You know this isn't
over yet, right?

Okay, well what do we do?

Well what do we know?

Well, they knew about
the whole zombie thing

before they got here.

Right, I mean Jesus, look
at their weapon of choice.

You know, Shell we probably
don't have all that much time

so I need you to think.

Have you seen anyone
who looks like those guys

around the neighborhood
over the last couple of days?

You mean Mormons?

Well.

I thought you were
done with those.

Just two.

And under the
present circumstances,

I think I have earned these.

Think I've earned it too.

(door rattling sound
and faint growls)

Apparently zombies have
a hard time with doorknobs.

Oh my god! Oh,
I know what this is!

They want an army of undead
killers that you can't kill!

All of the rumors are true.

Man that taser really
takes it out of you.

Oh, you must be starving dear.

Here let me get you that
brain the agents brought.

You want me to
heat that up for you.

♪ Upbeat mysterious music ♪

♪ plucky music ♪

I thought I heard somebody
at the back door earlier.

More agents?

No, zombie, agents
prefer the front door.

You're just gonna eat that.

Mm. I can share.

No, thank you.

I'll take some.

Oh, my little sleeping
beauty awakes. I got you.

You know you guys are so
cool for putting up with us.

I gotta say when I was lying
there, half electrocuted

to death on the ground
watching you devour that guy,

it was uh... pretty gross.

I thought you were
amazing and strong and fast

and oh my god please
get that out of my face,

that is a human brain.

(crashing sound)

Zombie, big one.

I just figured you could
eat it when you woke, dear.

Right.

(cracking bones sound)
I got this.

I'll tenderize him, you eat him?

Uhn-Uhn... You enjoy your
brains, we got this.

♪ Upbeat tense music ♪

That's my man.

Charlie, I gotta say, in
the past I always thought

you were kind of a...

Crazy person, like a nut job?

Yeah, let's go with that.

Guys?

(crashing sound)

Watch the potted plants please.

(thud sound)

Oh my god, that
was just incredible.

Nicely done.

That last one
tasted like chicken.

Guys, I have a plan.

Let's get Carrie.

Okay, we all know that
the buzz in the chat rooms

was aliens, then ISIS, then
NSA, but everybody was wrong,

it's you guys, it's zombies.

This was your cover story,

mad cow disease in
Wyoming last month.

One of you guys
must've gotten out.

Wyoming?
None of us have ever been

to Wyoming.

Look, I was a vegetarian
until Bill bit me, okay

I mean the occasional double
cheeseburger if I was drunk,

but... a vegetarian.

Okay, stay with me,
I mean that a zombie

got out or a lab tech
was bit or whatever okay?

But now it's spreading.

You were bit, and then you
bit her and then who knows

how many the original bit.

Okay whatever, what's the cure?

There is no cure for dead.

Then where are
you going with this?

You were right when you
said Bourne dudes earlier,

but imagine an army
of Zombie Bourne dudes.

Alright, no way, I'm gonna be
an undead killer for anyone.

Alright,
I already served my country.

I'm confused, I know
we're zombies when we eat but

now I feel normal.

Cold, and a lot
stronger, but normal.

My guess is that the designer
virus blends with your DNA,

but stay with me, a secret
army of undead troops

who can march into a firefight
and before CNN gets shot one,

Bam! They've killed
and eaten the enemy.

Then that's what we do.

♪ Upbeat rock music ♪
Bill you grab the plastic,

Charlie the duct tape,

Carrie, get dolled up we're
having guests for dinner.

(groaning sound effect
with each zombie)

This one looks
absolutely delicious.

The nerd is mine.

(fast whipping and
screaming sounds)

50, 150, 200.

(high pitched screaming sound)

Look at this cheap
bastard, one debit card

and a Subway coupon.

Oh, feel this
leather, oh wait? Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Oh. Bill you guys
almost done in there?

(crunching sound effect)

Oh god, I'm so tired, so full.

Take the bedroom,
you know the drill.

I want my 25 percent of that.

Yeah, yeah, I'm
tapping one of us.

I don't know about this plan.

How do we know
when we got them all?

Smell.

You said you can smell
them, so smell them.

Anything?

No.

Nothing, sorry.

(loud burp sound)

Yep, that was bad, sorry,
I'm gonna go brush.

You know the two
of you are heroes.

Saving the world from
a zombie apocalypse.

They might even do a
special on you guys

on one of your
History Channel shows.

Maybe we should film
this, make a documentary.

Post it online, no, it would
attract too much attention.

You already killed
two federal agents.

You mean ate.

(doorbell rings)

What do you think,
Mormons or zombies?

Jehovah's witnesses.

We're overdue.

I got it.

Be careful dear.

(grunt sound)

(zapping and tense
mysterious ambience)

(loud screaming
and groaning and zapping)

Whoa, you zapped the Jehovahs.

Oh no way guys I'm full,
Bill you gotta take these.

They're not even zombies.

No, ID says Homeland Security.

Would you look at this.

Mission authorized
capture prime Bill Sampler,

terminate remaining brood,
cut off heads as necessary.

Guys, they're just
gonna keep coming.

We have to run.

They're not taking me alive.

Or dead.

Why does it say
prime Bill Sampler?

I always knew you were special.

(grunting sound)

Start talking
agent double O lunch.

(electric zap sound)

Careful, you're next.

Excuse me, we haven't met
yet, I'm Shelly Sampler...

We know who you are and we
know he's the zombie prime.

Why do you keep calling
me the zombie prime?

Because you're the prime.

BILL: Prime what, prime suspect?

Agent Morse, serial
number 4196770.

We're not talking zombie,
you're getting nothing.

You will.

(groaning sound)

Let's go Carrie,
you earned desert tonight!

You zombie lovers make me
sick, I'm cutting all your

mother f'ing heads off.

Bon apetite Carrie.

Say nothing Baxter!

(faint screaming
and electric zaps can be heard)

I don't talk to zombie lovers.

You already are
now what's your name.

Enough, enough already.

Then talk already, relief
is just a squirt away.

What are you guys, some
kind of zombie lesbians?

She your zombie death partner?

I'm a meat eater.

(crunching sound and yelping)

Baxter, agent
Baxter 147 okay, okay.

I work for...
(crunching and howling)

(loud thud)

Next dear.

Alright, it's your turn to talk.

How'd this all start?

I'm not talking.

Fine, where shall I bite first.

(mumbling)

Alright.

It started when
Baxter fed him late,

the cell was open
and Norris got out.

(mumbling)

Norris who?

Edgar Norris, the prime,
well... the second prime zombie.

Youngstown, Ohio,
the banker you ate.

The zombie that bit me?

The prime's name was Edgar.

Yes well Betabrude's first
prime was lieutenant Sullivan,

but he escaped
and bit the banker.

And then you cut
off Sullivan's head.

Crushed in an industrial press.

Huh. Schwarzenegger fan.

(mumbling sound)

So now you're the prime.

The prime, the
boss, the big cheese.

You're the prime infect or.

Ketchup stains are so brutal.

They tortured
me. She grabbed my...

She was gonna eat my Johnson.

Baxter you sweat
like a little girl.

She grabbed my balls hard.

She got you to talk.

I thought you were hurt.

Oh yeah?

Oh no stop, oh just stop.

I'm taking you
back dead or alive.

Nobody kills my
brother-in-law, again.

(wind sound effect)
I saw we eat them now.

(growls)

Keep it together soldier.

Come on, Semper Fi!

Semper Fi.

Take them to the bathroom.

♪ Cheerful music ♪

Now be good or
breakfast will come sooner

than you think.

(scary sound effect)

It's ketchup!

You hear anything out there?

Good, then sleep my dear.

We're gonna have to kill them.

Maybe for the good of
everyone, I should surrender

and you guys can
get your lives back.

No, I will not let them
turn you into some sort of

a CIA Bourne of
the dead assassin.

Well then we're
gonna have to run.

I pay my taxes, this is my
house, I am not going anywhere.

Shelly, you're broke, you're
halfway towards eviction,

and this isn't going to
cover four people on the run.

What I mean is, that I am a US
citizen, and I, we have rights.

Are the dead
considered citizens?

Alright well then we're
gonna have to make a deal.

What kind of deal?

In any negotiation, you
wanna have bargaining power.

Huh.

Nobody knows we're here,
their feed cycles almost up.

We're lunch!

You are a useless wimp.

Oh my god, oh a little girl
squeezed my tiny little penis.

You have no idea how
strong that female zombie was.

You are a useless, you're
a pinko, commie sissy.

We need to talk to
them and negotiate.

You know they seem kind of nice.

What are you, you don't
negotiate with a zombie,

you cut their
mother f'ing heads off.

How is that gonna help us now?

Who's side are you on?

I've got to get word
back to headquarters.

Alright, here's
the plan soldier.

What?
(mysterious ambience)

We let them eat you
first, flail a lot, scream,

distract them...

Why do I have to...

My molar is a transponder.

Zombies can't digest teeth.

Worst case scenario they
track it back to the zombie

scat pile.

Best case scenario I find some
metal and tap out a message

back to base.

Where are your keys?

Oh, in my pocket.

Okay.

You're insane.

Do you want to turn
out to be a zombie?

All right.

Hold still
soldier, I'm going in.

(keys jingle sound)

(door creaking sound)

SHELLY: I leave you
alone for five minutes, kinky.

Hey guys, that's a no no.

Now, we need to talk.

In five minutes, this place
is crawling with agents.

You're dead, your
family's dead, your...

You are a very angry lady.

Take the nice one to the den.

I'm junk food,
she's the tasty one.

CARRIE:
Come on lover boy.

SHELLY: Okay secret
agent man, you wanna live?

Here's how it's gonna end.

I am tired, hungry, and
everyone else has eaten

except for me.

Now, I want my life back,
and you're gonna help me.

Now, we know who you are,
we know what you are.

Shelly, I'm not
so sure about this.

Let's just say the government
does need an agent prime?

Fine, who am I to argue
with homeland security?

We are just patriotic
citizens, ready to negotiate.

The agency doesn't negotiate.

Okay then.

Carrie, you do
the honors, enjoy.

(crunching sound effect)
No, no I'll talk, I'll talk.

We want off the grid.

New social security numbers,
new identities, fresh start.

And no taxes.

He has a point, paying
taxes when you're dead

isn't quite fair.

We're not the IRS.

And as long as Bill is dead,
you will supply him with food

for the rest of his death.

Otherwise I can't
guarantee his eating patterns.

Brains, he likes brains.

Morse is my captain, I can't.

I mean if she even suspects
I'm negotiating, I'm dead.

Or a zombie.

Or a lunch.

Morse is tough as nails,
but she's nothing compared

to the hard ass
agent we work for.

If you take us out,
they'll just send more.

They'll never give up.
They'll just keep coming.

They're like zombies,
only from the government.

Alright fine, then he's lunch
and the asshole in the bathroom

is dinner.

No, it's time for what they
call in one of Bill's shows,

a field upgrade.

Upgrade, you mean
a field promotion.

That requires a commander
in the field to be wounded

or killed or...

Oh.

Baxter here is gonna be a hero.

He is gonna save the
country, win a medal,

and earn a field promotion.

Carrie.

(snarling sound effect)

Baby, you know how excited
I get when you do that.

Yeah.

(eerie ambience)

BAXTER:
No, no, no!

(glass breaking sound)

(screaming sounds)

(door opening sound)

Leave him alone
you zombie freaks.

That is no way
to talk to a lady.

You don't scare me.
(screaming sounds in background)

(growling and thud sound effect)

Shut up, no one
likes a whiny dinner.

You interrupted my
meal, I would listen hard

to whatever she says and
yes, is the preferred answer.

Relax Bill, it's
Carrie's turn to eat.

Baxter is looking
a little stringy.

I'll soften him up.

You bastard...

Hold your tongue or
I'll do it with my teeth.

(groaning can be
heard in background)

SHELLY:
We're gonna let you go.

We just have a few
simple requests,

and everybody's happy.

You can say yes now.

(growling sound effect)

Yes.

Good.

Charlie, guard her while
we go get everything ready.

(thuds and punching
sounds in background)

I can still save him.

Shut it G-man, G-woman.

You haven't been bitten.

Bill's gone, Carrie
too, and your sister

she's cracked, lost her mind.

That's my sister.

But we can save her,
some therapy sure,

there will be
some scarring, painful.

But my team has the
best lab in the world

and you can join us.

The agency needs a
smart guy like you.

I could get you a level
three, five clearance.

Level five, go
anywhere, anytime.

It's your destiny kid, we've
been watching you for years.

We know all about you.

You see things, you have what
it takes, you're special.

Join us, untie the ropes.

You've got a bright future kid.

Unlimited resources.

And more.
(faint groaning and mumbling)

I can even get you field work.

And access to
the NSA data banks.

Don't push it kid, come on.

♪ Upbeat music ♪

Quick, where are the tasers?

(thuds)

You ready for this soldier?

Semper Fi.

You take the girl, the
prime is mine, booyah!

Oh, booyah.

(whimpering and groaning)

(phone rings)

Oh jeez.

Shelly, get out of here
while you still can!

(louud punch sound effect)

Carrie how could you?

(taser firing up sound effect)

(groaning in pain sound)

What have you done?

You and I will rule
a new world order.

A powerful, invincible
army of the undead.

These mortals, they're
nothing, they're food.

You killed my wife.

Shelly was nothing.

She was a mere inconvenience
to your path to your destiny.

Do you feel this power, this
power between us coursing

through your dead veins.

Kiss me before I kill the human.

Not on my watch you freaks!

I got this.
♪ Intense music ♪

(zapping and groaning)

You killed my
queen, prepare to die.

(zapping sound effect)

Baxter you killed the prime.

You're alive, oh Baxter.

Now what?

We've got to get his
blood back to the lab,

we can't lose this strain.

Get the machete,
cut his head off.

Morse.

Not now soldier.

The virus dies within
minutes once the host fails.

What kind of kitchen
doesn't have Tupperware?

Morse.

Baxter we've got to move, what?

Look, you're hand.

(tired laughing sound)

Son of a dead bitch he bit me.

I'm the new prime.

Okay.

Okay, get me back
to the lab Baxter

you're the new
mission leader, soldier.

Get me back before I turn.

Ma'am yes ma'am.

That son of a bitch.

Not now Baxter, mission,
god, and country soldier.

Let the cleaners
handle this mess.

Wait, what about your wife?

What kind of a partner
would I be to her now?

Tell her...

Tell her the truth, I'm dead.

Tell her I died in combat.

It would be a privilege ma'am.

You'll make the wall of honor.

(car engine revving)

(tense music)

Lousy store brand ketchup.

♪ Upbeat music ♪

You came alone, risky?

Not really, I never am alone.

Well look who came for dinner.

(growling sound)

Guys.

(laughing sound)

Good, it was good.

(upbeat jazzy rock music)

I like what you
did with the place.

Oh, ha, very festive.

So who's birthday is it?

Hey, look who
decided to show up.

You know I almost missed you.

Yeah, I bet.

Status green,
repeat, status green.

(laughing in background)

Your birthday?

No sir, but nice new suit.

I just made captain, I've
gotta dress like a captain.

I see everything okay,

no problems with the
house, neighbors?

Your birthday?

Getting close.

BAXTER:
I'll get it.

Nice marbling.

Organic certified,
grass fed vegans.

Good. Honey, I assume
you want those raw?

Baxter can I get you
anything, a beer?

No, no I'm fine, let's
get down to business.

Who's first?

Birthday boy?

No, not my birthday.

So how is she?

Agent Morse?

She's fine, safely
tucked away in a secret lab

serving her country,
never been happier.

Well, we have a little
exciting news ourselves.

What no?

You've been behaving
yourselves right?

You're in witness
protection now.

Quite wonderful actually.

(laughing)

Uncle Baxter.

You sure you don't want a beer?

(baby coos and devilish groan)

(burps)

(exciting jazzy
instrumental music)

♪ MALE SINGER: Yummy yummy ♪

♪ When I see you I
start rubbing my tummy ♪

♪ I'm stiff as a mummy ♪

♪ You're so sweet to me ♪

FEMALE SINGER: ♪You got big
muscles ♪

♪ I like your veins and all your
corpuscles ♪

♪ why should we tussle ♪

♪ You're so sweet to me ♪

♪ MALE SINGER: A hug.
FEMALE SINGER: A hug. ♪

♪ MALE SINGER: A kiss.
FEMALE SINGER: A kiss. ♪

♪ MALE SINGER:
What's as sweet as this? ♪

♪ TOGETHER IN HARMONY: Another
day of bliss around the house ♪

♪ MALE SINGER: A fool am I... ♪

♪ For your lovely thigh ♪

♪ FEMALE SINGER: You're my man! ♪

♪ MALE SINGER: And you're my
wife, ♪

♪ I may be dead but, you're my
life! ♪

♪ Can't wait to ravage... ♪

♪ FEMALE SINGER: Darling! ♪

♪ MALE SINGER: I'll stuff my face
like you're a stuffed cabbage! ♪

♪ Call me a savage, you're so
sweet to me ♪

♪ FEMALE SINGER: Savage!
MALE SINGER: Oh yeah. ♪

♪ FEMALE SINGER: Your lips
invite me, ♪

♪ I admit I kind of like it when
you bite me ♪

♪ Yes you delight me ♪

♪ You're so sweet to me ♪

Baby, I know my appetite gets
out of control sometimes-

I love watchin' you eat baby.

But I hope you know that
whenever my tummy growls,

it's only for you.

(laughs) Oh, sweetie!

♪ MALE SINGER: I feel so young! ♪

♪ FEMALE SINGER: Wish you'd slip
me your tongue ♪

♪ You're my man ♪

♪ MALE SINGER: And you're my
wife, ♪

♪ I may be dead, but you're my
life! ♪

♪ MALE SINGER: You're so sweet to me...
FEMALE SINGER: You're so sweet to me... ♪

♪ MALE SINGER: You're so sweet to me!
FEMALE SINGER: You're so sweet to me! ♪