Zivot a neobycejna dobrodruzstvi vojaka Ivana Conkina (1994) - full transcript

Keep your bullshit!

I'm not bullshitting,
ask the politruk [political officer]!

What use would that be?

Ask him, at least they'll
see you're interested.

Our army is a people's army.

And it is a people's army because
it serves the working people.

Officers of capitalist armies
are themselves capitalists.

- And they serve a handful of capitalists.
- Wait a minute, Balashev!

Comrade Chonkin does not understand something.

What is it, Comrade Chonkin.

I have a question, comrade politruk.



I'm listening.

Is it true that...

Well? Speak, Chonkin!

That Comrade
Stalin has two wives?

What?

What did you say, Chonkin?

No, you won't drag me into this.

You see, comrades. The enemy is
looking for the weakest link in the chain.

And who will he find? Chonkin!

He has long been paying attention
to irresponsible, undisciplined

people in the first place, and
he just found him in Chonkin!

Attention! To the ground!

Attention! To the ground!

Attention! To the ground!



Piece of shit!

- Why are you givin him such a workout?
- He asked stupid questions.

- Hey, what is this village called?
- Red.

- Red?
- It used to be called Poor.

Now it's name is Red.
Ever since the kolkhoz is here.

If I have my bearings
correctly, Dolgov is there.

You have your bearings correctly,
but Dolgov is there.

And we live well here.

One chairman was locked up for
theft, another for molesting minors,

third drank away the kolkhoz treasury
and then hanged himself.

Listen, do you have a
phone in the kolkhoz?

Well, yes. It was on that telephone
line that he hanged himself.

He climbed on a chair... look.

You want to break my wing?!

Isn't that made of iron?

It is not made of iron, and
yet it is heavier than air.

Our Stalin's falcon.

Driving force carries him into the heights.

That's why he flies like a bird.
It's not flying right now, old piece of junk.

Where is the phone?
And this is Nyurka, our postman.

You almost landed
right in her bed.

The lieutenant landed
straight into Nyurka's bed.

So where's the phone?
But it wouldn't be bad.

Nyurka is a good looking girl.
Here Kurzov tried it on her,

but she turned him down
because he is a known pervert.

- Shut your mouth!
- He was held by the police in Dolgov for three days

because he got into the women's bath.

He got into women's bath!

- You liar!
- Comrades, I have to make a phone call!

Golubyev Ivan Timofyevich,
chairman of the kolkhoz.

- Volkov. Accountant.
- Lieutenant Meleshko.

I had to make an emergency landing.
I see an unsown field, so I go for it.

We work according to the fallow-field
system, that is why we have not sown.

We are guided by scientific knowledge.
The earth rests and bears crops again.

- What?
- Why we haven't sown.

I don't care if
you sowed or not!

I'm just explaining
why I landed here.

Comrade Stalin's falcon, what
is our village like from above?

Like any other, people
like ants, houses like boxes.

- But she's beautiful.
- A war veteran! We have people like that!

- Chrome leather or chevreau?
- I don't know, that's what we were issued.

Well, feel it, you
can tell by touch.

- I would, but he might be ticklish!
- Do you have the phone here or not?!

And why call now?
Look around here first.

Of course we have shortcomings,
but we also have results.

- What?
- We have results.

- What?
- Results!

- Ivan Matveyevich.
- TIMOFYEICH!

My engine broke down.

And why don't you say it right away.
Kolya, Styopa, come!

The boys will take a look at it.

Get away from it, scram!
It's not a tractor.

You have to be a mechanic,
a specialist for that.

But Lieutenant, these
guys can take it apart...

- Get lost!
- And put it back together to the last screw.

- Don't touch it. Get lost!
- Turn the screw to one side...

- Ivan Matveyevich!
- TIMOFYEICH!!!

Wait a minute. What kind of gathering is this?

Taldikin, Shikalov,
why are you dilly-dallying here?

You saw the plane, you
touched the pilot, now get back to work.

To work!

People here are good, but unfortunately
literate and curious, alas!

- Don't you want a drink?
- Will you let me call or not?!

There is such a connection here
that it is impossible without a bottle.

And you should have landed at Staroklikin,
they have an engine station there

and a mess bigger than ours.
You should have gone to check up on them!

Let's go!

We don't have electricity here yet,
but the telephone is already here.

Yadada...

To the ground... and attention!

To the ground... and attention!

You're the last thing we were missing!

Look, elder, run him ten paces
back and forth and rest yourself.

Thank you, Comrade Captain,
that's perfect.

Chonkin, did you hear that?
Ten steps forward and ten back!

March!

- Company, attention!
- Why aren't you answering the phone?!

I will personally make sure that the
phone is working and you are not picking up!

Well, listen!

- I swear on my ma, nothing rang, sir.
- Really, Comrade Lieutenant Colonel.

No one is asking you! Zavgarodny, that's
your proven trick not to pick up the phone.

That will be your downfall one day!
We are in trouble!

Lieutenant Meleshko made a forced landing due
to an engine failure, it must be replaced.

We don't have engines for the
U2, Comrade Lieutenant Colonel.

They are supposed to send them any minute.
For now, we have to set up a patrol there.

We have no people, Comrade
Lieutenant Colonel.

Seven people are in the infirmary,
twelve in the forestry brigade.

You don't have people, you say.
And who is this?!

- What is he doing there?
- Chonkin, comrade.

- What is he doing?
- He is marching, comrade lieutenant colonel.

I can see, I'm not blind.
You will send him there!

But he's a driver for the kitchen.

...with a horse carriage.

Elder, prepare Chonkin for duty.

Give him a week's worth of food
and a rifle so he won't be afraid.

You can't put him on
watch, he's a simpleton.

To the ground!

See, he stands like a pillar.

Am I cross-eyed?!
That order was for you!

To the ground!

Zavgarodny, keep going.

Pustule!

To the ground! Attention!

To the ground! Attention!

- Have you ever flown a plane, soldier?
- Only horses.

It's the same!

Get in there!

Flying a plane is simple! This way
to the right and this way to the left.

Try it yourself.

There you go.

- Lieutenant Meleshko.
- Chonkin.

- Order, Comrade Colonel!
- Listen to me carefully.

We'll fly away now
and you'll stay on guard.

Do you know the duties of a guard?
He is an untouchable person!

If someone happens to approach
the patrol, you ask: "Halt! Who's there?"

"Halt, I'll shoot!''

No one can recall you
except me or some general.

Yes sir, Comrade Lieutenant Colonel!

They flew off and left a
soldier on guard at the plane.

Volkov, I hate you.
If only once you had brought good news.

What's wrong with
that, Ivan Timofeyich?

You have to have a guard, otherwise they
will steal everything. You know people.

I'll tell you what's wrong with that!
Long-term observation.

Hey, ladies!

Come here!
All at once or each separately?

All! I will choose myself.

Watch out so your pew-pew gun doesn't break!

Wow, girls!

Borka, get lost!
Get out of here!

Water, by any chance?

- But it's warm, from the barrel.
- At least there is any.

There, that's better.

I take it you come from a village, too?

- Can you tell?
- How could I not!

We had some volunteers from the city here.
Shame to watch!

They didn't know how to hold a hoe.
What do they teach them in the city?

We know what!
Eat bacon from the country!

Nyura, they're coming.

Good day!

Natashka is coming back to me.

What's his name?
I don't know...

Single? I don't know.

That's what you should be
interested in first!

Not directly. Just in the middle of talk.

- But he'll lie to you anyway.
- He doesn't seem the type...

Men lie all their life.

And soldiers doubly so!

Have him show you the military book.
It's written there.

This one looks decent.
He is also from a village.

It's none of my business,
but I wouldn't let him get close yet.

And who's getting close with whom?!

You think I'm that kind of girl?

Do you like it?
Natashka has good milk.

So that's a cow, Natashka.
I thought you had a daughter.

I have her as a daughter.
I have all the animals as children.

They all have human names.

The cow is Natasha. Boar is Borka. Hens
don't have names, there are too many of them.

And I have a rooster, Peter
Ivanovich.

Well, that rooster is my son.
Because my name is Ivan.

- And surname?
- Chonkin, of course.

I grew up in the village of Chonkino.
And all those who were there are Chonkins.

- Are you single or married?
- Single.

- I can show you the military book.
- No, you don't have to. I trust you.

Or rather yes.

- What?
- You'd better show me the book.

- Aww, oats.
- It grows on the airfield.

And this is what they're feeding you?

Only on guard duty.

Otherwise they just give us slops!

But, as you can see, they even
added a can into my dry food.

- Well...
- What's wrong with you?

Aircraft.
I completely forgot about it.

You don't have to worry about
it, no one can fly it anyway.

They may not be able to fly, but
they sure know how to swipe something.

No way, we don't even lock
our cottages at night.

All right, I'll sit for a moment.

People, dear Dunya, are vigilant
these days, but unfortunately literate.

Why do I say unfortunately. Because if they
were just vigilant, it wouldn't matter so much.

But as they are literate,
they can write a denunciation.

Holy truth, Timofyevich.
But I'm careful.

I manage the kolkhoz
the way they want at the top.

But I still know that sooner
or later I will be locked up.

Have a drink, dove, and don't be afraid,
there are worse scoundrels than you.

And they are not afraid of anything.

Dunya, you know how our
kolkhoz is going down like this.

But we report it to
the district like this.

And one day, sooner
or later, it will go boom!

The fly that will be swatted
will be none other than me.

Wait!

Who is there?

- Kerosene?
- Grandma Dunya's milk.

- What?
- We have grandma Dunya here, she makes moonshine.

Clean. It's better than vodka.

- So, milk.
- Grandma Dunya's.

To our encounter!

- Come here.
- Why?

- Just like that.
- We can just talk anyway.

That's not it, like this.

It's awfully weird.

I lived alone and suddenly
you fell from the sky.

An airplane is a fast thing.

It's like this, Nyura.
Is your name Nyura?

We airmen are specialists.
Everyone specializes in something.

One can fly up, the
other can fly down.

Too bad the aero is broken.

We could fly for a while.

If you want, we can
fly without a plane.

You soldiers are all the same.
You live it up, and then you laugh.

Oh no, Nyura.

We are all completely different.

- Whose are you?
- Kikinov's. And whose are you?

- I am mine!
- I'm my dad's and mom's.

- And who do you like more?
- I like Stalin the most!

Work achievements cannot be increased
without agitational propaganda, understand?!

Yes.

- Don't underestimate it!
- Ivan Nikanarich, I'm not sure

that the agitation has any effect on anyone.

Are you so drunk that you re-christened
me?! Listen and follow orders!

I can see the bottom of your soul from
here! Which hand do you have the bottle in?

No way, Nikanarich, I
don't have a bottle here.

As if I didn't know you!

You drink vodka, but you
hand over low-quality milk!

If you don't increase the fat content
of the milk, I'll blow your head off!

- You know me, did you understand?!
- Goodbye.

- Captain Miliyaga.
- Comrade Captain, for you.

Hello! Captain Miliyaga.
How are you, Borisov here.

I invite you to fish with us in the restricted
zone on Sunday at six in the morning.

- The event is organized by Colonel Drinov.
- General!

Ohh, excuse me Comrade General!

So there might be plenty of fish, right?

He will take us to places where a person
cannot go without a special permission.

- That is, at six in the morning on Sunday.
- Excellent, agreed.

So you see! When I'm out fishing,
you won't be alive anymore.

Volkov, what did Borisov say
about the fat content of our milk?

- How high is it?
- Three and a half percent.

Make it four!

- And how can I do it? I'm not a cow!
- You are not a cow, but an accountant!

- In statements you must be able to round.
- Are you crazy, Timofyeich?

- That's falsifying records.
- They'll lock you up for that.

If you falsify, they might lock you up.
If you don't, they will definitely lock you up!

Vanya, no!

Vanya, leave me!

Vanya, we've just finished.
Wasn't that enough for you?

No. No! I can't anymore!

Your head is so heavy

and no one to help you carry it.

But I'll come, take off my
shoes, kiss your entire head...

...show you compassion...

We, residents of village Red, are
deeply scandalized by Anna Belyashov's behavior!

A local postwoman who lives in
an illicit union with Chonkin Ivan.

Belyashov is committing
immorality in front of the

eyes of our Soviet citizens,
forgetting about work.

Listen, Kapo! If you sleep with the
chief, wouldn't you go to bed with me too?

A man without a woman is like a bull
without a cow. Better take a cold shower.

- Hello, Comrade Captain.
- Cheers, friends!

- What pleasant things await us today?
- The citizen we arrested yesterday.

- Good. Bring him.
- Yes sir!

Hello, how is life going?

Good day.

Bon appetit to the baby!

Come right in, neighbor!

Well, finally! Kuzma
Matveyich, understand, such a thing...

- I've been here for ten days.
- And you haven't seen my hybrids yet.

Do you know what a hybrid
is, Vanya? I guess you don't.

If you crossbreed a cat
with a dog, you get a hybrid.

- And will it bark or meow?
- I do not know. I have a plant hybrid.

Take a good look, Vanya.
You won't see that anywhere else!

My own potato and tomato hybrid!

And that should have potatoes at
the bottom and tomatoes at the top?

- Exactly!
- And where are the tomatoes, I don't see anything!

It's still early, Vanya. It's only June.
They ripen in August.

Do you know the name of my hybrid?

CEKS - The Road To Socialism. [phonetic joke]

One day they will lock you up for that CEKS!

Do not mind that.
She can't forgive me for last year's fiasco.

...with CEKS.

- Crazy woman.
- They'll lock you up anyway.

Either to prison or
to the madhouse!

A special phenomenon, Vanya.

It had potato leaves
and tomato roots.

So you had jack! What a hybrid!

Worry not, friend.
This year I will undoubtedly attain success!

Then all the newspapers will
write about me. Can you read?

That's just what I came for. They gave me food
for a week and I am here a second week already.

And no one is flying for me. Someone should
write to the commander, what to do next.

I'm not very good at writing.
And I don't want to burden Nyurka.

Well, it should be written.
Do you know how to sign your name?

- I do!
- Do you have paper and ink?

- Yes, Nyura is a postwoman.
- They already wrote an article about me.

It was called "Amateur grower".

Did you happen to read
it in the county paper?

- No.
- Too bad.

He didn't make it, speculator.

Kapo, read me some nice anonymous.

Podzaborny Vasiliy Prokopich uses
the newspaper Pravda every morning

not for its purpose, but for number two.

And his wife sings "God, save the
Tsar" every night before going to bed!

Please take strict action!

- Who's there?
- Militia.

How can you scare
an old woman like that?

And you, what are you doing here?

Comrade Chairman, I came
to inspect the citizen in the matter

- of proving the making of moonshine.
- Well?

The act of making moonshine is fully proven.

- You don't say!
- Yes!

I must admit that the production
is of the highest quality.

This has yet to be verified!

Correct. Like Comrade Lenin
always said: "trust, but verify!"

You leave Comrade Lenin alone.
His name is holy to every worker!

Be careful, do you want to go to the camp again?

Pour, I'm an inspection.
Me too!

- You can't be an inspection! Nobody appointed you!
- I am the People's Inspection!

Cheers, Timofeyich,
and to you too, Strong-arms.

Such an inspection
is good for health.

It cleanses the intestines and the brain.

Rumor has it that they
will dissolve the kolkhozes.

Kolkhozes maybe, but camps hardly!

Tell me, what's up with that soldier
who lives with Nyura, postwoman.

What is he up to?

What, what... He fucks Nyura.

But that's clear.
But besides that.

Comrade Chairman, it may be nonsense,
but this is what people think about it.

That the soldier settled
here for observation.

What are you talking about,
what kind of observation?

I don't know what kind, but it can't just
be that he walks around in an apron and cooks.

Nyurka, if you fell, you
don't have to get up!

I'm coming over and we'll do it
right there on the ground.

- May I enter?
- Well, come in.

I just came like neighbors do,
I don't want you to think something...

Simply, regardless of function.

- May I sit down?
- Best on a chair.

You do manual work?

Well, what else should i do
if I have nothing to do.

The papers said that the Germans
bombarded London again.

How wise of our government
to sign a pact with them.

Let the imperialists...

Let the imperialists fight
among themselves, am I right?

I don't care much about it.
Nyurka and I mainly listen to the radio.

- Our songs.
- You say you don't understand

but reports you do write.

I have to, Chairman.
Even the cow mooes if you don't feed it.

Everything is fine with our feeding.

Last winter, true,
we mixed in straw with hay,

but we have not exceeded
the norm on cattle death.

If someone told
you that we sowed

wheat in the snow, well, we did.

And that it was sabotage, I also know that.

But you should also
write there why we sowed.

They ordered it from the district.

They command us from
above and we catch the blame.

Should I return my party card?
Please!

I carry it in my left
pocket, on my heart.

Or you can lock me up?
No problem. I'm not afraid.

Listen, chairman,
you should ease off the booze.

You're talking complete horseshit.

Keep writing! Write, you writer.

Just so you know, I have six children.
Send them begging to the other villages,

so they don't starve to death.

- Listen, what's it like there?
- In the camp?

- Once they gave us compote.
- They even give you compotes there?

Depends on the chief. One is starving people,
another wants them to work hard.

What about free time?
I mean cultural enjoyment?

Good.

There is a cinema, artistic creativity,
a shower once every ten days.

Seriously?

A lot of interesting people are interned
there. Artists and generally educated people.

- So one can live there, you say?
- Yes!

If you survive!

- Come home, come on.
- Let me go, you crazy fool. They will see us!

We'll get inside and under the
blanket and no one will see us, so come on!

No!

- Today we will fly above the clouds, you'll see!
- No, today is a day off.

I already have bags under my eyes.
The women laugh at me, that you'll be the death of me by f...

- What?
- You know!

- So there will be nothing?
- There won't!

Alright.

I want to see how well
you can climb a ladder!

If it opened and spilled!

Turn around!

I see. You don't like it on the duvet
anymore. You're hungry for hay!

No. Dumbass! The hay chafes!

My greedy devil.

Where did you fall on me from?

That's clear! From the sky.

- Vanya?
- What is it?

Ninka asked me if we
were going to get married?

- And what did you say to her?
- That I don't know.

You said that well. What do we know.

They will come for me and send
me somewhere far away...

- You live well with Nyurka?
- It's not bad.

- Do you want to stay here with Nyurka after your military service?
- I don't know, I'm still young.

- I should look around.
- You are right!

- Have a smoke, you'll die sooner.
- Nah.

Nyurka is not a bad girl.
She has a cottage, a cow, a boar.

That she has!

She is independent.

She never messed with anyone.
She lived only with Borka.

- With which Borka?
- Well, with the boar Borka.

What are you talking about.
What the hell are you making up?

Why are you surprised?
What's wrong with that?

Nyurka is in her
prime and needs it.

Where is one supposed to find a man around here?

Kurzov left her alone
so she started with Boris.

Well, he is almost a hundred years
old and she does not slaughter him.

But how could she... with an animal?

Calm down. What is the difference?
Main thing is, he's a male.

So they cover themselves with a
duvet and lie like a man and a woman.

Well, I have to go.

Thank God I'm finally home!
One would need a wheelbarrow for all those letters.

Before I got around all the houses...

- What's wrong with you, Vanya?
- Nothing!

- Let me go!
- I'll let you go when you tell me where you're going!

- I'm going to shoot that lover of yours.
- Lover?

- Which one?
- Your Borka!

The boar? Vanya, have you gone mad?!

I don't know which one of us is mad!

You better tell me when you started
getting it on with him, you whore!

Vanya, this is a joke, right?

That's enough, Nyura.

Strong-arms told me.

And I, the ass, bought it!

I said it out of stupidity.
People are cruel! They will hurt any way they can!

Stop it! Come on.

Look, hit me!
With this log for instance. Here!

- Will you eat?
- Well, I will.

I'm hungry already.

My stomach's all rumbling!

Come on, stop it!

Get away!

You bastard! Get out of here!

Let go of it!

Well, I guess Strong-arms was right!
Why would you keep him here otherwise!

Maybe it happened a long
time ago, but it did!

It's like this:
Either I stay here or the boar!

You have two minutes to think.

I took him as a baby.
He was three days old and sick.

I gave him milk, I gave
him compresses like to a baby.

He likes me the most.
He rubbed against my legs when I cried.

He is an animal, but
he understands me best.

The pig understands
you and I don't.

So I'll go!

I'll take the rifle,
I won't shoot.

Greetings, neighbor.

You didn't sleep under the wing today, did you?

So what? It's summer.
It's not cold.

Kuzma, do you have something to eat?
I'm hungry.

Come to me.
At least you'll see how I live.

- I had an argument with my girl.
- Conflict is a part of dialectic.

Take, for example, me and Aphrodite.

A single continuous contradiction,
a dialectical one.

Did I tell you my son's
name is Herakles?

You didn't.

A resonant, ancient name.

You should change his nappy,
Aphrodite, or he'll stink head to toe!

You're going to lecture me about stench.
Just lead the guest in and let him have a sniff!

Continuous contradiction.

But from contradiction,
Vanya, progress is born.

After CEKS, I will start researching
how to reproduce humanity without women.

It kind of punched
you in the nose, huh?

I have fertilizer here. I have
different kinds of excrement, you know, shit.

Horse, pig, cow, goat.

And ours! Thanks to
which I achieve outstanding results.

- Would it be possible to open for a bit?
- I can't even smell it anymore.

Because it is healthy
for the organism!

- And you sleep in this?
- We inhale it in our sleep.

When you think about it, Vanya,
our whole life comes from shit.

And it goes back to shit.

What do you mean?

You have to fertilize the ground
with shit for a good harvest.

Grass, weeds and vegetables
will then grow from the shit,

which we and animals eat.

Animals give us
meat, milk and so on.

And we process all of it, into what?

Shit.

So that's the cycle
of shit in nature.

So? Good.
Good, right?

And I ask you, Vanya.
Why?

Why consume shit in
the form of meat or milk?

Wouldn't it be better to get
rid of the false resistance?

And eat it all in its pure form?

And now, Vanya, let's have
a toast to everything that is good.

To the Soviet government,
to Comrade Stalin.

To our encounter.

That's some booze!
I thought I was done for.

From grain or turnip?
From shit, Vanya!

- You are not serious.
- The recipe is simple.

For a kilo of shit,
a kilo of sugar.

Damned chemist.
He killed another one.

Vanya!

Vanya, Kuzma Matveyich, we're at war!

Hello... hello?

District Committee?
Is anybody there?

- Tell Borisov I'm sober.
- Shut up, someone was just there.

District committee?

What fish?
I don't care about fish!

Call Comrade Borisov.

Kyiv was bombarded!

Kyiv was bombarded, you idiot!

And you with your fish!
Hang up right now!

- We will answer a blow with a blow!
- We will answer a blow with a blow!

Miss, that they took your samovar
and blanket, I don't give a damn.

Go drown yourself for all I care,
but clear the line!

Clear the line!

I need to talk to Borisov, you cow!
Are you deaf?!

The news are over.
What now?

We are completely cut off from management.

No instructions. And the people are waiting!

Who are we at war with?
America?

- With the Germans.
- What?

- With Germany.
- Calm down, mother. We'll handle the Germans soon.

I want to see you.
The German has tech.

Well, we have mud!
This war will last until the first rain!

- The German is well fed.
- I wonder why they won't say what and how.

- Why not play them a record?
- Play them the record player.

Sergey Nikanorich?

It's me, Kylin from Red.

We've been calling you with
Gobulev here all the time.

No connection, tense situation.
No instructions!

- You don't have instructions?!
- We didn't get anything.

And tell me, when you go
take a piss, do you open

your fly yourself or do
you wait for instructions?

Understand, we would hate to
make a political mistake here.

Call people to a meeting!

A lively, rapturous meeting!

- People have been waiting for a long time.
- What? I don't understand.

What do you not understand,
Sergey Nikanorich?

How could people meet
when no one called them.

No one called them.

As soon as they heard it on
the radio, they ran here themselves.

They heard the message on
the radio and ran there themselves?

They taught you that at which academy,
to let people gather without party control?

You said it yourself...
Lively meeting.

But, comrade, life has to be managed,
otherwise it's anarchy, is that clear?!

What did he say?
Did he issue instructions?

When you go take a piss, do you open the
fly yourself or do you wait for instructions?

Action must be taken.
Manage the people, otherwise it's anarchy.

If there was a tug of war between an
elephant and a locomotive, who would win?

Steam has enough power.

What kind of gathering is this here?

What will you tell me, Shikalov?

Why me?

- I'm waiting, Shikalov.
- Well, they reported it on the radio.

Yes, and what did they report?

Don't make a fool of yourself, they reported it!
Didn't you hear that?

You mean they were announcing on
the radio that people are to stop working,

get together and waste time?!

I see even the war is a good excuse
to stop working for you.

There won't be a single soul
here in five minutes!

Shikalov and Taldikin
are responsible for this.

Listen, why don't you say it
straight away, jeez.

Didn't you hear? To work!

So I'll get to experience
one more war, people!

Alyosha!

I think like this, Nyura.

If my commander were here, he'd say,
Chonkin, cover up that rumble properly,

so the German doesn't see it.

And if he's not here, I have
to give that order to myself.

How clever you are, Vanya!

I'll tell you something, Nyura.

In political training they
told us that there is no god!

But you, Nyurka,

no one else could have created.

Come in, don't worry.

- I dispersed them all away!
- All?

- Yes!
- To the last one?

Only Taldikin's there.
Should I disperse him too?

You don't have to.

Take him and have everyone be in front
of the office within half an hour.

Write down all those who don't come.

Get going, what are you waiting for?!

Where are we going?

Chase those people
back to the office again.

- So why did we disperse them?
- I don't know! Ask management.

Those bigwigs. Brains like this!
Everyone is a Lenin!

Best not to think about it,
because once you start, you'll ask yourself,

if those up there aren't idiots!

Goddamn!

Everyone to the meeting!

That's enough.

"War - task/matter of every one of us"

Comrades, the times are serious.

That is why we hastily
convened this meeting

so that shoulder to
shoulder, heart to heart...

Cut it short!

And that's why I give the floor to the
secretary of our party, Comrade Kylin.

Comrades, fascist Germany's wicked
invasion of the Soviet Union

violated all treaties,
which we concluded with them.

Our kolkhoz has recently
achieved unprecedented success.

Nineteen hectares were sown to
millet, twenty-six hectares to rye.

This year we sowed three and a half percent
more of the seed plot than last year.

In terms of milk yield, our
cows are unmatched.

But comrades! Besides successes,
we also have shortcomings.

What's happening?

Has the chairman hanged himself again?

- Do you have soap?
- How much?

- Fifty pieces.
- Are you crazy grandma?

- Are you going to eat them?
- I'm expecting guests.

Everyone gets soapy.

Even our brigadier Shikalov
can boast of a heroic deed.

This former minister of the church
hit his wife with a fire-poker while drunk.

Did it happen to Shikalov or not?
You are ashamed and silent!

It was the wrong
procedure and un-Soviet.

After all, Marx, Lenin or Stalin
did not teach us such behavior.

- And salt too.
- How much?

About a pood and a half.
Or rather two. [1 pood ~ 16kg]

- You must have hit your head, grandma!
- I'll cure everything in salt, hurry up.

Hurry up!
Everyone is already flocking here.

Of course, we understand that
Zhikyn is an invalid from the war,

who has no feet.

But he's not allowed to speculate with
us here with the legs he doesn't have.

No one is forcing him to be a postman.
But he could weed beets with ease!

What is this supposed to mean?

Shikalov, Taldikin,
you call this is a meeting?!

Where is everyone?

Thieves, all of you!

Comrades, this is not the time to...

Chairman, they stole everything from me!

Greetings, peasants
from the village Red!

Surely you know who I am.

This is our Lyushka.

Yes, its me.

You surely know that as the best milkmaid,

I personally spoke with comrade Stalin
five years ago!

And that's why I came.

Comrade Stalin sends
you a warm greeting!

Comrades peasants, go and
fulfill your manly draft duty!

Treacherous enemy attacked our homeland!

Go to the front!
And fight to the last breath!

Don't worry about us!
We will stand in for you!

I salute the poeple's assemblage
of village Red!

Our cause is just! We will win!

Enough! You only have one thing
on your mind! Whether it's war or not.

We may never see each other again!

And then you'll regret not getting
sweet with your Chonkin.

But Chonkin will be far
away, and maybe even dead!

Vanya, you gotta go get the cow.
I will cook cabbage soup.

Capable!

Comrade Captain, I have a sick heart.
Have your doctor listen to it once more.

He already listened to you.
You have a heart like a bell.

Incapable!

And besides, I'm the only political worker here.
Cpatain Malakhov, to the phone!

The military needs political
operatives, Comrade Kylin.

Listen, Chairman,
these "phonecalls" have to stop.

Otherwise this will knock me out.
It's hot!

Who has training, won't fall!

I would like to tell you something.

Send me to the front instead of Kylin.
Let him run the kolkhoz here and I will fight.

The doctor told you.
You have flat feet and liver hard as a brick.

The camp accepts people
regardless of their diagnosis!

And it would be good if they
found Kylin here instead of me.

I wait for them every day.

I have to go.

That's Stalin talking.

The wires must have fallen again somewhere.

Comrade Captain, Private Chonkin.
Let me speak!

- What is it?
- I've been here on guard for a month and...

What? You're on guard? Who
gave you permission to leave your post?

About face!
To your post, double march!

So let the cow go!
What did she do to you?!

My friend, I don't envy you this.
You're in deep shit!

- What do you want to do with her?
- I will kill her!

Dear God, I only have the one!
I'll slit her throat!

You stinky bastard!

Are you alright?

- I told you to go get the cow.
- Why are you fighting?

- So what, Kuzma Matyevich pushed you a little, but you can see why.
- Why? Why?!

On that garden he's...

Kuzma Matveyich, don't be mad.
As a scientist you surely know

the cow doesn't understand
what's ours and what's yours!

Get lost, you incomer!

Let her go, Kuzma Matveyich.

Kuzma, we'll pay you
something for that garden.

Ignorant!

What can you pay me for my work?
It was a hybrid of world importance.

It was a hybrid without
potatoes and without tomatoes.

And we'll give you
both, but separately.

- Separately! I'll kill you!
- You lousy alchemist! Just wait, I'll...

Murder!

My sun!

Natashka, give it back!

I'm begging you on my
knees, give me back my CEKS.

Aaaahh!

Well, the fun is over.
I thought there was going to be blood!

Dumbass, you spent all
your gunpowder on fertilizing!

Listen, neighbor, don't take it that way.
After the war, we will plant your garden.

Vanya, come home!
He wanted to kill you, you fool.

So what?
Do you see how unhappy he is?!

We report that the deserter and traitor
Ivan Chonkin is hiding in our village Red,

staying in Anna
Belyashov's house.

He stores a weapon and combat equipment
in the form of an aircraft

that does not fight with fascist occupiers,
but stands in the garden without any use.

In such a difficult time for our homeland,
Chonkin does not fight and engages

in piggish behavior
in an extramarital relationship.

At his instigation, Anna Belyashov's cattle
ravaged the land of a well-known grower

Gladishov Kuzma, causing
damage to Soviet science.

We demand that the dangerous deserter be
neutralized and punished according to law.

Vigilant residents of village Red.
What do you think?

- It is written with the left hand.
- All anonymous write with the left!

Look, Kapo, let's do it
at least once, come on!

Better take a cold shower!

- Good day friends!
- Hello, Comrade Captain.

- So what's pleasant for us today?
- Interesting anonymous.

And what is this?
Gift or bribe?

Corpus delicti,
Comrade Captain.

I confiscated them from
the Zhyd [jew derogatory] we arrested.

Jew, not Zhyd [jew derogatory].
Bring him in.

Coming up.

How are you?

- You were so wild!
- Address me properly! We are at work, not in bed.

- Grreetings, Chief.
- Grrreetings.

- Are you Jewish too?
- No I'm not.

Really?

- Such an intelligent face.
- How about I break his face?

No need, he's an interesting grandfather. He
probably still doesn't understand where he got to.

No, Grandpa understands where he's gotten
himself into. Everyone knows this barrack.

And they avoid it at all costs. But I'm not
afraid. An honest person doesn't have to.

That's what my daughter says.

- Who did we shoot?
- Kalyagin, Comrade Captain.

- Should I remove him from the filing cabinet?
- Well, sure, since he is no more.

It's wartime, what are you going to do?!
There is no time to send to the city.

We must execute ourselves.

Yes, but you have my wellies on the table.

I did not speculate with
them, I sewed them myself.

Tell me, what kind of speculation is that,
to sell wellies you sowed yourself?

I don't understand why this
idiot of yours arrested me.

Those are some manners!

Svintsov, you can't
treat an old man like that.

Kapo, write the report.
What's your name, grandpa?

I will tell you, but I am afraid
you will be greatly inconvenienced,

because I have a very strange last name.

- So what's your weird last name?
- Stalin.

You dare call yourself by
a name that is sacred to us all?

Jew rat!

You don't know yet...

You can't imagine what it will do
to you when you see my papers.

- Svintsov, where are his papers?
- I don't know, I didn't look.

Well look, goddamnit!

Get out!
OUT!

Greetings, Comrade Stalin!

Greetings, we've already greeted each other.

So you are Comrade
Stalin's daddy?

Got scared, eh, you animal?

Animal.
Dumbass.

Where will I get teeth like that now?!
We'll have a new one made for you.

I would like to know where!

But Comrade Stalin's name is Joseph
Vissarionovich and not Joseph Moiseyevich!

Svintsov!

Don't call that idiot here. If anyone
finds out that you arrested and beat Stalin...

Even if not that one,
or his father, but Stalin!

Better not imagine
what will happen to you.

- Did you call me?
- Get out!

Here's your ID and
there's your shoes.

The two of us have
never met, understood?

- No, we have met, and you broke my dentures!
- I'll arrange for a new one to be made.

You will write a request to
the polyclinic for the comrade!

And shall we send
him to the spa too?

I love Crimea. Pearl of the South. But
I'm afraid the Germans will occupy it soon.

Why don't we just shoot him?
Today we have the opportunity.

Write, Kapochka, write.

Svintsov, tomorrow morning we are going to Red.

Kapo, prepare an arrest warrant!

We will be catching a deserter!

- Miss, how far is it to Red?
- You'll see it over the hill.

- And who are you going to?
- We have a deserter there.

- Prokopov, don't run your mouth!
- What did I say?!

Vanya, they're coming for you.

Well, praise the lord. It looked like
they completely forgot about me.

It's the NKVD!
Looking for a deserter.

So what?
What do we want from him?!

- The deserter is you!
- Me? You're talking nonsense!

I am a guard and not a deserter
and I did not leave the patrol.

Hide in the barn under the gutter.
They won't find you there!

The guard doesn't
hide, he keeps watch!

- Are you going to shoot them?
- If they leave me alone, I won't.

- If they don't...
- Don't oppose them or they will kill you.

I'm on watch for once!

Nyura, just to be sure, we'll say goodbye.

Where is the chairman?

Where is the chairman?

Chairman? Where is he?!

Deaf and mute!

Listen, deaf-and-mute,
we're looking for a guy here.

A guy, do you understand?

We have to...
"Hands up!", do you understand?

He's eating paper, I wonder why?

Those people are so afraid of us,
Svintsov, that it makes our work difficult.

- What do you want here?
- I am a kolkhoz accountant Volkov.

- Do you know this person?
- I don't.

- You don't even know who he is.
- Calm down, Svintsov!

Our collective farm chairman.

So he's the chairman, you're the accountant,
and yet you don't know each other.

We only met at work.
Personally, never at all.

You're afraid of us, right?

Comrade Captain is asking you politely.
Answer him politely, you whore!

- I'm afraid.
- You have nothing to fear.

Private Chonkin, deserter.
Where do we find him?

He lives with the postman.
...woman.

It's closed.

- Halt, who's there?
- It's us. Friendly.

- Stop or I'll shoot!
- Don't shoot, you're under arrest!

What now, you deaf idiots?
I said I would shoot!

Private Chonkin, I have an arrest
warrant for you signed by the prosecutor.

Drop your weapon immediately
and give up!

I can not! Only my commander
or a general can dismiss me.

- I'm the captain, Chonkin.
- That's not enough, and you also have a different uniform.

You are not from us!

We'll get up now and go to you.
Here's the warrant!

- Don't even think of shooting!
- I will shoot!

For the motherland,
for Stalin, forward!

Do you know what you've done, you bastard?

You shot through the
stamp of the Soviet Union!

I'm a hunter!
Right through the heart!

Go around him from the other side.

Oh!

Drop the gun or I'll run you through!

Everyone lie down!
I'll shoot anyone who moves.

- You blonde bitch!
- Vanya, he's swearing at me.

He says anything else
and I'll blow his head off!

You are surrounded!

I have three children, don't let me bleed out!
I need a bandage.

We'll bandage you, don't worry.

We're going to "bandage"
you all nicely here.

Comrade Borisov, please.

Sergey Nikanorich?
This is Golubyev on the phone.

I want to inform you that...

I can't hear you.
... Comrade Miliyaga and his brigade.

Well, those who were arrested
by Chonkin and his gal!

Who? Chonkin and his gang?

Yes, Chonkin and his gal.

Listen, Drinov, they're calling from Red.
Some Chonkin and his gang are rioting there!

They arrested Miliyaga.

Ask how big the gang is.

Golubyev, can you hear me?
I'm hearing you really badly!

Is the gang big?

He'd like a taste of Nyurka, scumbag!

How should I tell you...

In full strength.

They are armed to the teeth!

Comrade General, the 136th Infantry Regiment
is moving to the train station, heading that way!

The 136th Infantry Regiment is
moving to village Red, heading that way!

Encircle, dig in during the night.
I will run the operation myself!

- Understood?!
- Yes sir!

About face!

- Good evening.
- Matveyich, come in.

It's war. Who knows what can happen.

Vanya, let's forgive each other!

Your famous moonshine!

It's perfect for my guests.

You turn this and
you can shoot immediately.

Wake me up at midnight.
I'll switch with you.

Vanya, how about
we fly away on your plane?

It's broken!

If it could fly,
I wouldn't even be here.

Zdyobka Kurzov said that if the engine is
not running, you just need to let it rest.

Like a human...
And then it runs again.

That's nonsense!

I had a dream, Vanya.

We flew together in the sky
and waved down to our village.

The sky was blue and
we were flying like birds.

Far, far away.

What you dream is but a dream.

Company, halt! Dismissed!

- How many artillery shells do we have?
- Three, Comrade General.

- And how many machine guns do we have?
- Four in all.

That's not bad.

Come here!
We'll do it like this.

You place machine gun number one here.
To the collective farm.

I'm sure that's their headquarters!

Machine gun number two here,
machine gun number three...

Comrade General, there are enough
machine guns. But we have no ammo at all.

Eagle, eagle!

Here's swallow.

I have a need.

Should I open your fly for you?
Or can you handle it?

I can do it myself.

Listen, when I yank the rope, you respond!

Captain, didn't you fall asleep there?

Or did you swallow the rope?

Come here.

Comrade Colonel, we
have brought a tongue.

He looks more like a corpse.

Comrade Colonel,
Filyukov roughed him up like that!

He hit him with the butt
of his rifle so hard it rang.

Well done.
Now you can't even recognize the uniform!

Comrade General,
allow me to make a report.

- Go on.
- Sergeant Sirikh and Private Filyukov

had just returned from
scouting and had brought a tongue.

- Interesting. Who is he and what does he say?
- He doesn't say anything, he's unconscious.

The intelligence officers overdid it,
and hit him in the head too hard.

Great! What kind of
tongue is it if he doesn't speak.

- Who was in intelligence?
- Sirikh and Filyukov.

- Shoot Zurich!
- But Filyukov hit him.

- Shoot Filyukov.
- But General, he has two children.

Comrade Labshin, I did not give the
order to shoot the children, but Filyukov!

Yes sir! Shoot Filyukov.

For Nyura, in remembrance.

Swallow, swallow,
here's eagle!

- Guten morgen!
- Guten morgen, herr.

- Der Name?
- Ich bin Captain Miliyaga.

- What?
- Captain Milleg.

Verstehen Sie, Herr Obrst?

Ich sage alles, ja?
Und du nicht kaput ich, ja?

Ja, aber du musst sagen ganz pravda!
Wissen Sie, wa ist das pravda?!

Truth? Ja, Ich wisse.

lch bin ist arbeiten in
Russische Gestapo!

- Gestapo?!
- Ja!

Haben Sie in Gestapo
mnogo communisten ershootert?!

Ja, natürlich!
Und communisten und non-straniken! [stranik=party member]

Alles wird shootert!
Boom boom, everyone!

Du... du Hund!

- Where is your Verbandt... disloziert?! [unit stationed]
- Heil Hitler! Stalin kaput!

Du schmutzig...
Herrgott, what do you call a pig?!

- Schwein.
- Thank you!

Du schmutzig Schwein,
wo sind deine Soldaten?

Und wie viel?

Dort ist post Haus, Frau und Chonkin.

Er hat Flugzeug und
mein Gruppe russischen

gestapo ist tied
with a rope, verstehen?

Comrade General, the tongue
I interrogated is Gestapo officer Milleg.

He admitted that he
personally participated in

executions of communists
and non-party Soviet citizens.

The Gestapo acts like a fanatic!
He shouts Heil Hitler and Stalin kaput.

Well done, Bukashev.
Shoot the Gestapo!

- Yes sir!
- But I learned you don't have ammunition!

- Exactly.
- How the hell is that possible?!

We were supposed to receive the
ammunition at the train station.

Tomorrow at dawn I will
give the order to attack!

Fire!

Nyura, Germans!

Labshin, I'm going to fucking kill you!

Why are you shooting the shithouse?
You should have shot the barracks!

Idiot! You must destroy
the enemy, moron!

Those are Germans, Nyura. Those idiots
thought there's still snow here in Russia!

Even in June.

Don't we have other camouflage cloaks?!

Only these, Comrade Colonel.

- And the general insists on them?
- Yes, but he doesn't know they're white!

Why don't they shoot?

They weren't issued any ammo.

- And the general knows?
- Yes.

We are supposed to attack with
Molotov cocktails and then bayonets.

Like in seventeen.

Surrender!

Look, they speak
Russian, trying to fool us.

Russians never give up!

Nyura, what a smartie you are!

Fill them with holes, the Krauts!

Labshin, jesus christ goddammit!
Why aren't the bottles lit?!

I don't understand that
myself, Comrade General!

- And did they light them?
- There was no order to light them. Just throw.

Labshin, you idiot, you bastard! Hand over command
immediately and have yourself arrested!

Charge!

Take Borka home.

Borka, come on!

Labshin, are you fucking sleeping over there or what?!

When will you finally hit that barrack?!
What do you have a cannon for?

Fire!

Vanya!

- Is that Chonkin?
- Yes, this is Vanya Chonkin, my husband.

- Nyura, who is that?
- I don't know.

- Some commander.
- General!

- Hey, am I sleeping?
- No, you're not.

Comrade General, Private Chonkin!
During your absence...

Chonkin, tell me honestly.
You fought here alone?!

- No.
- And with whom?

With Nyurka!

Chonkin, you are a hero! In the name
of the motherland, I give you an award.

Come!

Halt!

Comrade General, Chonkin is
a deserter. We must arrest him!

- Where's your arrest warrant?!
- Here it is, signed by the prosecutor.

- Where's the stamp?!
- Shot through in combat.

Comrade General,
let us deal with him.

Vanya, it needed
to rest, like a human.