Zis Boom Bah (1941) - full transcript

Goodnight, god bless
you, keep you from sorrow.

My love will guide you,
each night I tenderly pray,

I know tomorrow will
be a wonderful day.

Good evening.

Hello.

See the show?

From the wings, yes.

You always put your soul
in that song, don't you?

Why shouldn't I?

It is my soul.

You know those shoes?



Everywhere I go.

Yo know, I couldn't
get tickets tonight.

The show must be
knocking them dead.

Yeah, knocking me dead too.

Another year of this and
no more trouping for me.

I'm gonna give up the grease pit.

Do what?

Clip coupons.

I have a life-sized picture
a Grace Hayes sitting quietly

and twiddling her thoughts.

Oh, I'll do something else.

Produce shows, develop talent,
give the kids a chance.

You didn't come here to talk shop.

What's on your mind?



Anything wrong with my kid?

No, he's all right.

It's the grandparents.

What's the matter with them?

I've just learned they're broke.

Bankrupt.

Those sanctimonious old... what's

going to happen to Peter?

I don't think he
knows anything yet,

but he'll have to be
taken out of the school.

No, no, not a chance.

I want my boy to have culture
and education, like his father.

Like his grandfather?

Maybe.

That old Gen ain't so bad.

He made a pretty good
job of his own son.

Maybe we could write him a check.

Peter could go on just
like he's been going.

He wouldn't know the difference.

What do you say?

OK, we'll send him a check.

Peter Kendricks, Midwick
sophomore, is champion with 40.

Get a load of this.

College kids eating live goldfish.

You know, I nearly married
a sword swallower once.

But a human walrus?

Disgusting.

Oh, I suppose most
youngsters have a touch

of the exhibitionist complex.

Yeah, but this Peter
Kendricks is over seven.

He's a smart aleck.

He should know better.

Or does he?

This is a regular check
from Mr. Kane, your attorney.

This letter I would suggest
you read before signing.

Also, I've verified
our reservations

on the plane for Havana.

It leaves at 7:20.

Cancel the.

But, Miss Hayes, you said that
this was to be our vacation.

Did I?

We'll take our vacation
someplace else.

I'm tired of big towns.

Rio, Havana, Buenos Aires,
castanets and guitars,

they're all alike.

But you particularly wanted to
see a dancing team in Havana.

Yeah?

Maybe I better keep my eye
peeled on local talent?

Who can tell, you may
have a spark of genius.

Oh.

Also, Mr. Arnold will
be waiting for you.

You know, Mary, this
college town of Midwick,

I've wanted to visit
for a long time.

I met a grand fellow there once.

I'll cancel the
reservations, Miss Hayes.

Thank you.

My grief, what's this?

The Johnstown flood?

Hey, you little
nitwit, come back here.

You little ape.

Say, listen, freshy,

when I want a mudpack,
I'll go to a beauty parlor.

I'm sorry,
lady, I'll speak to the town

council about this street.

Aren't you Peter Kendricks?

The fish swallower?

That's me, Midwick's
most popular student.

What's your name, gorgeous?

None of your business.

But names are my business.

You're new around
here and cute enough

to be on my waiting list.

Fresh.

Say, listen, Don Juan, forget
about how great you are.

What about our clothes?

Well, send them to the cleaner,
grandma, and charge it to me.

My credit's good all over town.

Says you.

Says me.

See you later, sweetheart.

Your credit's good, eh?

You little... What's this?

You little... What's this?

A college or a sanitarium?

I dream of Jeanie
with the long brown hair.

Now, take a good look, will ya?

Did I get it off my kisser?

Oh, you look wonderful.

Yeah, I bet I do.

Look, there's a guy down to earth

enough to answer a few questions.

Probably the school gardener.

Hey, mister, how long
you been working here?

Oh, about an hour.

Hey, Toots, I mean how many years?

Oh, well, let me see
now, I should say I've

been here at Midwick 27 years.

27 years?

And now would you mind getting
off my erythrina herbacea?

Your what?

My erythrina herbacea.

Whatever that is, you shouldn't
leave it laying around.

What's that old guy doing?

Giving me the double talk?

Of course not.

Erythrina herbacea is the
technical name for a flower.

A flower?

Well, he uses a lot of
$0.50 words for a gardener.

I suppose if one were around
here very long, education

we just seep through the skin.

I'll stick to cold cream.

Nice day, Dr. Warren.

Yes, delightful, Rodney.

Say, sonny, who was
that you just spoke to?

Oh, Dr. Warren,
president of the college.

Uh-oh.

President?

Uh-huh.

Why the overalls?

Well, he's an amateur
horticulturist,

just likes to putter about.

Thanks.

I just got my allowance in time.

Come on, let's go to Nick's.

Come on, gang, Peter's
treating again.

Hey, Skeetz, deliver
this to my dormitory.

What am I, a valet?

Yeah.

I guess there's a village cut
up in every town in school.

Yes, I guess there is.

But why did it have to be him?

Two nice ring-side
seats for the ladies?

Just this way.

I have two nice
ring-sides, one for each.

But I got booth-side seats too.

Good size booth-side.

Two nice booth-side back
seats in the ring-side.

Yes, ma'am.

Now, something for you?

Can I get a waiter here?

Well, I'm the waiter, but
you don't can't get me.

Now, I take your order?

Something you want?

A gin sling.

A what sling?

Naw, I just had that.

I want a gin sling.

Gin sling?

We don't got this.

I'm very sorry.

Get me a gin sling.

Yes, ma'am, I'll see.

Something for you?

I'll have an ice cream soda.

What flavor.

Chocolate.

Chocolate with ice cream
soda water, and want a...

Gin sling.

Yes, I remember.

We still don't got it from before.

Don't you make anything here?

Oh, sure, we make roast beef, a
la mode, spaghetti, {inaudible}

pumpernickel, frog's legs,
scrambled eggs, stewed prunes,

kidneys too, hasenpfeffer,
{inaudible} roast beef,

roast hash, potatoes,
{inaudible}, bottle of beer,

{inaudible} a horse's
neck and a puss's tail.

Get me a gin sling.

I'll do the best what I can.

Gin sling, it sound
like a Chinaman.

I don't know.

Gin sling, yesterday was a zombie

bombie rombie boogie woogie.

I don't know what... hara-kiri.

Hello, Dusty, what
you like to have?

Give Tootsie a chocolate sundae.

Tootsie wants a chocolate sundae.

Here you are.

We get you a chocolate sundae.

Now, what do you have, Dusty?

Nick, give me a glass
of plain soda water.

Yeah, sure, what flavor?

I want it without flavor.

Yeah, sure without what flavor?

I want plain soda
water without flavor.

Dusty, you don't
have to holler at me.

You know, I ain't dim and deaf.

You want without
flavor, all right,

without what flavor you want?

Give it to me without pistachio.

Ah, I don't think
so, we got pistachio.

I could give you
without persimmon.

Give me the plain water.

Don't get mad at me,
Dusty, I'm fooling with you.

Say, they do all right, don't
they, for a soda water place.

They're pretty good.

Break it up, break it up.

You're doing the same corny
routine you did last year,

and it still smells.

Why don't you get
something with a new twist.

You're all a bunch of ickies.

You're so clever, let
me see you do better.

OK, Skinny, get me a woman's hat.

Take some of your favorite stars
from the motion picture world.

Here's an Englishman,
it reminds me

of a pouting Saint Bernard pup.

That's all, brother.

Mr. Christian,
you've disobeyed me.

I'll see you hanging
from the broadest

yardarm in the Brooklyn Navy
yard, Fletcher Christian.

And then if you... if you find
a new romantic interest and she

isn't very much interested in you,

you sort of lower your
voice and talk like, uh, one

of our favorite French stars.

Algiers, oh, how I loathe it.

I cannot stand it much longer.

Peppy must get away
from the Casbah.

Paris, have you ever been
to Paris in the spring?

Oh, mademoiselle,
you are beautiful.

Wonderful.

And if the lady is still
unwilling to listen,

you acquire the dulcet tones
of a romantic sophisticated

English actor as you look into
her eyes and you say, Lily,

you are the most
fantastically beautiful woman

I had ever seen in my life.

Your eyes, your eyes are like
limpid pools, your teeth,

your teeth are like pearls, and
when I kiss you, ah, yes, when

I kiss you, it is a
far, far better thing

I do than I've ever done before.

And if she's still
stubborn, perhaps she

needs a heart treatment
from that eminent physician

of the motion picture world,
a gentleman who reminds you

of a chicken strutting
across the barnyard

as he always has his hair in
his face, and keeps saying,

see here, young lady.

Let us, Peter Kendricks isn't
such a bad sort of a fellow.

Why don't you give him
a halfway decent break?

You understand?

Wonder where my chocolate soda is?

Take it off.

All this talent out
here, are those students

or is there a show in town?

Students.

They did that in the class show.

Make any money?

No admission.

Why not?

That's undignified.

You work for a living, don't ya?

Sure.

But I ain't got no class.

You know, you're all right.

I like you.

Could I dance with her?

Speak for yourself, John, ask her.

I can't wait.

Why pick her to show off to?

What's the matter with her?

Is she's anything like
the company she's keeping,

I'd say she worked
at the five and dime.

Ah, she looks like
a million to me.

But I'm like that.

You think she's that attractive,
why don't you dance with her?

Correct.

Absolutely correct.

Don't you want to dance with me?

No, I don't.

It's the opportunity
of a lifetime.

You don't want to miss it.

Besides, you lead divinely.

Oh, if I wasn't wearing
glasses, would I fix him.

Wait until my nails get longer
and I'll take care of her too.

Let's jive.

Hey, a few more lesson,
you outta be pretty good.

May I sit down?

Yeah, sit down.

I liked your imitations.

Thank you.

Most people do.

You're very clever.

Where'd you get the talent?

Hereditary.

I do imitations.

Once, I did an
imitation of Washington

crossing the Delaware so well
my hands got frost bitten.

Peter's mother was
one of the greatest

actresses in the theater.

She was a wonderful singer.

She appeared with the
Metropolitan Opera,

as a matter of fact.

You remember her?

Naturally.

Did you ever see her perform?

Of course, many times.

What was her name?

What is this, a quiz program?

Third degree, I'd say.

What are you going with it,
Peter, take it or leave it?

Your mother wasn't
an operatic star.

Your mother was a
singer of little songs

in a cheap vaudeville circuit.

Five shows a day, cooking
her own meals over a gas

jet in $0.25 boarding houses.

I knew your mother.

I doubt that.

I remember a little
song your mother

sang to you a long time ago.

You give impressions, don't you?

I'm going to give you an
impression of your mother.

I'm going to sing
that song for you.

I don't want to hear it.

Come on, I need a drink.

Well, goodbye, lady, hello.

Is anything wrong?

Plenty wrong, but not with me.

Tell you what you do.

Go back to the hotel
and wait for me.

Shall I change my clothes?

I don't care what you.
I don't care.

Anything you like.

Say, what's the matter with you?

I can't tell you now.

Go back to the hotel and
wait for me, will you?

If anybody asks you any questions,

tell them we're a couple
of showgirls on the loose.

Keep your mouth shut.
Get going, will ya?

OK.

Here you are, lady,
that's your order.

What'd I order?

You don't remember
what you're ordering?

No.

Well, for heavens sake, you're
not even going to taste it?

No, I don't want it.

But it's a gin sling.

I know that my father
founded the University,

but what you ask is quite
out of the question.

No one wants to give
endowments anymore.

I don't know what's going
to happen to Midwick.

Well, perhaps they should
get a more active president.

That's what some
of the board members

are saying behind my back,
but I'm not through yet.

I hope I'm not intruding.

Door was open, and I walked in.

This is a surprise, Miss, uh?

It's still Grace Hayes.

This is Professor...

I've had the pleasure.

Hiya, Prexie.

How you doing, boy?

Why, I'm doing very badly.

I'll be hopping along, Kendricks.

Listen, I bought a million
tickets to the football game.

Midwick better win.

We're hoping for the best.

I don't know if this
surprise is present or not.

I didn't come here to
drink any loving cup.

Boy, this furniture is in the
same spot it was 20 years ago.

Kendricks don't change, do they?

Since Mrs. Kendricks
died, we tried to keep

things about as they were.

Sorry to hear about your wife.

That's very kind of you.

You might add that
it was also kind of me

to send you dough to keep this Taj

Mahal going these past years.

I've appreciated that too.

More than I can say.

You've shown your
appreciation by ruining my son.

I'd hoped he'd grow
up to be a gentleman.

But has he?

No.

He's an egotistical,
extravagant show off.

When I left him here
for you to bring up,

I thought a silver spoon in
his mouth would mean something.

All it's done is
add to his vanity.

He's a discredit to the school,
a disgrace to the Kendricks,

and a pain in the neck to me.

Perhaps I have been a trifle
indulgent with the lad.

I'll say.

You probably pinned a
rose on him every morning,

and put him to bed every
night with a mirror

so he could see what
a great guy he was.

He's really not a
bad boy at heart.

I'll find that out for myself.

In the meantime, he's gonna
get rid of that hotshot car,

and you cut his allowance
down to nothing.

But he's a...

Not a penny.

Except for bus fare.

Let him get a job, and then
he won't be so anxious to pose

as a big shot spender.

But what am I to tell him?

He's quite in the dark about you.

I don't care what you tell him.

Tell him anything you like,
except that I'm his mother.

I don't want him to know that.

Not yet anyhow.

Blame it on the war, on the stock

market, anything you like,
but cut him down or I will.

And you too.

I'll do my best.

I guess you mean all
that, Mr. Kendricks.

Even if you don't know
how to {inaudible}.

Take a little of the starch out
of that stiff shirt of yours

and pour it into Peter's backbone.

Goodbye.

Did you see the taxicab driver?

I told him to wait.

I took the liberty
of dismissing him,

seeing as I'm going your way.

Oh, you are.

Am I. That is, if I get this
obstinate thing to perform

properly, I'm going your way.

What's the matter with it.

It seems the battery
is sort of rundown.

The battery?

You're rundown.

Here, let me get in there.

I'll show you how to do it.

Be careful, girlie.

Girlie?

Will you stop?

Whoopie!

Come on, big boy, let's go.

She's a temperamental beast.

Do you think you know how
to run this carpet sweeper?

Oh, yes, I'm quite proficient.

Says you.

You mustn't say that.

It's ungrammatical.

OK, professor.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Oh, it's you.

I'm awfully glad.

Say, that awful person has been
following me all over town.

Here he is again.

Don't worry, I'll protect ya.

Hiya.

Why don't you stop
annoying this young lady?

Go on, beat it.

What are you a wise
guy or something?

You think you own this town?

I'll go when I'm good and ready.

Ah.

So now I'm ready.

Listen, you spoiled brat,
if you don't leave me alone,

I'll call the police.

Well, I'm sorry for the way I
acted, and I admit I was rude.

Rude?

That's a mild word for it.

The reason I've been following
you about was to apologize.

All right, so you've apologized.

Well, uh, how about some air?

Hot or cold?

Cool.

Midwick has some
lovely country lanes.

I promise you won't
have to walk back.

Well, it is awfully hot,
but I have to be back soon.

I have to meet my friend.

Oh, her?

Come on, let's go.

I'm afraid we'll
have to walk back.

You mean, both of us?

Yes.

That's what I was afraid of.

At least, you're a
refreshing person to be with.

I have my moments.

Better not tell your wife you
were stranded out on the road

with the black widow.

Oh, but I'm not married.

You're not married?

No.

Neither am I.

No?

Relax.

I saw that in a movie
once, and it worked.

What movie?

Oh, be your age.

Well, loosen my girdle.

Wasn't that your little
friend with Young Kendricks?

He's beaten his father's
time by two hours.

Hm?

Oh, skip it.

Oh, skip it.

As chairman of the
board, Dr. Warren,

I'm warning you that Midwick
faces bankruptcy unless we

adopt a different attitude.

You seem to forget
how difficult it is

to raise money in these times.

Was there ever a time when
football was more popular?

Some colleges live by it.

Why can't we?

I shall not subscribe
to such commercialism.

The tradition of Midwick is
a sheepskin not a pigskin.

Tradition, living in the past.

That's your trouble.

You've let football die here.

It has got to be revived.

We've got to have a winning team,

and we've got to have
players to make it.

Even if we have to
go out and buy them.

That's the most unethical
suggestion I ever heard,

and I refuse to listen.

Then perhaps, this
board feels that Midwick

needs a more modern mind
a champion its cause.

We might even entertain a
motion for your resignation.

Think it over, Dr. Warren.

Well, Mrs. Sling Gin.

I try you now for the 62 times.

Slim gin.

S for ice.

L, L, lemons.

I, ice cream.

Good so far.

C-L-S-L-I-M. M is for mustard,
which we don't got any,

so we put egg.

Sling Gin, gin, gin, gin.

Gin sling fling
ding, I don't know.

Ah, how you do?

I just now mix a Thing Slim.

Look at this.

No, no.

I want you to do me a favor.

Yes, if I can.

I want you to give me a job.

Oh, I can't.

This is a small place.

I cannot afford it.

Then sell it to me.

S... you don't being sarcastic now?

No.

Well, if you want to buy,
I give it to you for $1,800.

OK.

There's $1,000.

I'll send you a certified check
tomorrow morning for the rest.

$1,000?

My breath is coming
in short pants.

I'm speechless.

Stay speechless.

And remember, I'm working for you.

Oh, that's all right.

I see, what you mean.

You don't have to drop
no buildings on me.

Refuse me, one second.

Ah, well, what... to look,
it's correct up here,

must be good all the way.

Service, please.

Here, take these things.

Yes, ma'am, I give these
things back tomorrow when you

give me the stupefied check.

I don;t care what
you do with them.

She don't care.

What your thirst, students,
or perhaps it's hunger pangs.

I want...

Try a ginger fling,
something with a bounce.

I'll try one.

Perhaps a...

Coming right up.

Wha...

Grab yourself a tray.

Hey, wait a second.

She's with me.

Quiet, junior, a girl like Mary
can get a boyfriend anytime,

but a jobs, they're scarce.

Get going.

Wiggle your feet.

What will you have?

A beer.

You'll take milk and like it.

Hey, what is this, a nursery?

I wasn't so far wrong about
that five and dime business,

was I?

A Kendricks out with a biscuit
shooter, a hash slinger.

There's a gag in here's somewhere.

She's not a waitress.

She's a singer down on her luck.

You mean she's a fast stepping
sister up on her technique?

You gonna like working here, kid.

This is a very nice place.

Wait a minute, I'll
give you a check.

Don't rush.

That's correct, you know.

There you are.

Say, what's it all about?

Did I ask you what
it was all about when

you went out with him?

Follow my lead.

Come on.

Peter tells me
you're quite a singer.

Oh, I can carry a tune.

The best think she
does is carry a torch.

What I do now?

Tell them they can put
it on the cuff, as usual.

No more credit for you, big shot.

Boss's orders.

If this is Nick's idea of a
joke, tell him to cut it out

or I'll take this
gang somewhere else.

I'll pay the bill.

Oh, no, you won't.

Hey, Nick.

Yes?

What's this baloney
about no more credit.

Well, you see, business
is different this year

than was last year.

You know, business fluctuates.

Fluctuates, huh?

Or can it come from
hiring cheap help?

Grandad, I was just
going to phone you.

Those mental midgets in there
informed me that my credit's

no longer good.

Would you sort of square
me up, and take it

out of my next month allowance.

That's why I can to
look for you, Peter.

There is no allowance.

You mean, we're broke?

Practically.

Well, I wish you would
have told me sooner,

it would have saved me
a lot of embarrassment.

Well, have fun.

That's tough on him, isn't it?

That's what he needs.

Oh, and Grandad, for
your sake, believe me,

I'm sincerely very sorry.

Peter, your father
graduated from this college,

and so did your grandfather.

Midwick without a Kendrick,
it's, well, it's like an oak

without acorns.

An acorn's a nut, isn't it?

If you're leaving on account
of my situation, please don't.

Midwick needs you.

What for?

I'm broke.

Midwick's on its last
legs, I'm down and out,

and, well, I'm quitting.

Go back to your class.

May I come in?

Oh, come in, Miss Hayes.

Mr. Kendrick and I
were just visiting.

Was that story about
nasty little animals

deserting a sinking ship.

I don't like that remark.

You pick up your marbles and you

beat it when the going's tough.

I don't like Little
Lord Fauntleroy's.

I don't like waitresses.

What I do or where I go
can't possibly concern you.

I may be a waitress,
but I can throw

a chair from one end of this
room to the other with you

in it.

Oh, I'm worried.

I won't be able to
sleep for three minutes.

{inaudible}.

Remember, your father
was a gentleman.

I must say the
president of this college

isn't very particular
of the company he keeps.

I don't know what's
happened to the boy.

From a fine, upstanding young
man, he's... he's turning

into a fresh, no good...

What's that you're saying?

Everybody makes mistakes.

I make mistakes.

You make mistakes.

He has a right to make a mistake.

But don't you think he's
abusing the privilege?

Oh, why don't you stop?

Come on, sit down.

Sit down.

Girlie, has an idea.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Looks great.

You like it?

It's wonderful, but why?

Don't ask questions.

What are you doing, Nick?

I'm figuring out here.

Look, $500 for furniture,
cash register $50... no,

that's the same old one.

$500 for a chandelier.

This is no good.

Who can play this thing?

You now something?

This is going to
cost me a fortune.

Cost you a fortune?

That's what I say.

It's going to cost you a fortune.

Look, um, how many Jim Slims
you think we got to sell

before we're coming out even?

- What do you care?
- Yeah, that's right.

It's none of my business.

Those books are no good.

Hey.

Get a load of this place.

Great guns, little
pistols and swords.

What'd I do now?

Nice camouflage.

Give me a deviled egg sandwich,
or should I ask for caviar?

Is my credit good?

I'm not the manager.

That's something
to be thankful for.

Dad cut off my allowance.

Mine's been whittled
down to nothing.

Me too.

Nobody want can pay me so I'm
out of the cleaning business.

Hello, kids.

Say, Nick, will you
trust me for a hamburger?

Oh, comes to trusting, I
gotta ask the proprietors.

From respectability
to a honky-tonk.

I thought a little paint
job might brighten the place.

A repaint job all
around wouldn't hurt.

Say, Poison Ivy, why
don't you exercise

your brain someplace else?

I will.

Come on, gang.

One must be particular even in
their choice of environment.

Back for more insults?

Just a glutton for punishment.

I came to apologize,
painful as it is.

Please excuse my conduct.

You too.

I'll knock your block off later.

I'm glad you're
not leaving Midwick.

Well, it's not because
of anything you said.

I hocked a few things,
and I want to pay my bill.

Where is it?

Well, I tell you, Peter.

You know, things is fluctuating.

You know, I explained to you, so I

sell the place up to this lady.

This will cover it, and
you can keep the change.

Don't go.

Please.

Peter, what I can't understand is

how someone who loves
music as much as you do

can have such a mean disposition.

There's nothing wrong
with my disposition.

No, nothing that a good
spanking couldn't cure.

You've been listening to
that old battleaxe again.

That old battleaxe is 100%.

If you like me,
you've gotta like her.

Well, maybe she'll grow
on me the way you did.

You're lovely.

Waitress, do I get my deviled
egg sandwich or don't I?

Why don't you relax?

Mary, listen, all of you.

I've got something to say to you.

You can take it or leave it.

I hope you can take it.

The reason your
guardians and parents

aren't supporting your college
is because you aren't worth it.

Show them you can
earn your education,

and they will back you.

This is my lodge.

I need talent.

If you can supply it,
either in the floor show

or in the kitchen, I'll split
the profits with you 50-50.

You can clean up.

I know this business.

You can keep your college
going, and hold on to President

Warren, whom you all love.

Well, what do say?

Are you with me?

I'll buy it.

You would.

I'm for it.

Come on, kids, what
are you waiting for?

Come on.

You're wonderful.

Here we go, laughing
and scratching.

Show me what you can do, and
we'll knock them in the aisle.

We'll slay them.

Hey, come on, girls,
let's do the Zis Boom Bah.

Look.

Look at him.

Maybe he's with ya.

No, he just can't help it.

His mother was an
opera singer, remember?

I loved it.

Hey, Nick, one spotlight.

One spotlight coming up.

Well, are you signing up with
them, or do we get out of here?

You're great.

Wonderful.

Marvelous, every one of ya.

Drinks on the house.

- Nick?
- Yes, ma'am?

Give them anything they want.

Everything's on the house.

Oh, good, kids,
nothing for something.

Go ahead, kill yourselves.

Oh, Cutie Pie.

Good evening, Miss Hayes.

Well, I was right.

They're all for it.

Yes, but it's dangerous,
unheard, ridiculous.

Why don't you keep your shirt
on, and for heaven sakes,

learn to tie your tie.

I'm thoroughly immune to the
wiles of women, Miss Hayes.

Now, you're boasting.

Anyhow, you're in trouble,
the school's in trouble.

But I know it's dangerous
to the students morals.

As far as the students'
morals are concerned,

what about that old
gag about the pot

calling the kettle black?

Are you implying
that I'm a wicked man?

No, but you have possibilities.

For $0.02, I'd wrap
you in cellophane

and take you home for myself.

Why don't you get in
the spirit of youth?

Youth?

You should tell that to
the board of directors.

I'll rejuvenate you.

Hey, Nick.

Yes, ma'am.

Give him a nice big,
tall glass of ginger ale,

and put a stick in it.

Aha.

{inaudible}.

Thank you, Nicholas.

Happy drinking.

Happy whoopie.

Did you bring it?

Yes.

Hello, Grandad, are
you looking for me?

Yes.

I've located some money.

There's a balance
in your trust fund.

Gosh, $1,000.

Here, this will start
your show business.

Hey, isn't that swell?

Peter, you're very generous.

Will you be treasurer?

I imagine so.

Someone will have
to watch the money.

Do you mind if I ride with you?

I've hocked my automobile.

Would you like a drink
with a Juniper Berry flavor?

Don't you go too young on me.

Do you know, Mr. Kendricks?

Yes.

How do you do?

I'll see later.

All right, now don't be long.

Every time at rehearsels...

Mike, what's cooking?

Come on, let's get going.

How many times do you
think I can play the music.

Hey, come on, break it up.

Sh, don't you know they
can hear everything

you're saying out front?
Where are you?

- Everybody ready?
- No.

One of the fellas
can't find his costume.

Well, look, I'll go out
and stall a little bit,

and when they're ready,
you tap me on the shoulder.

- Hurry up.
- All right, get in your places.

I'm the stage manager.

Go ahead.

Keep your seat.

Is everything all right?

Perfectly splendid.

I hope you have a
pleasant evening.

Thank you.

Floor show will be on in a moment.

Hello.

Friends, Romans, parents,
teachers, and countrymen,

we were about to present
our intimate review.

Please don't expect too much
of us, as most of you know,

we've been brought up
with the proverbial silver

spoon in our mouths.

Come on, hurry up.

Get in your places.
Go ahead.

Get set.

Now, there's my cue.

Zis, boom, bah.

We're glad you're liking the show,

and I'm not much on
this MC business.

Most MCs I've ever seen, they
usually run out on the stage,

and the first thing they say
is a funny thing happened to me

as I was coming to the theater.

Well, nothing funny ever happened

to me coming in to the theater
until just a few moments ago.

A funny thing happened to me
as I coming into the theater.

A fella walked up to me, and said,

I haven't had a bite since
Thursday, so I bit him.

That's pretty good.

That's that old hot stuff.

Look, I may be under the
alco-fluence of incohol.

At least, some some
think of me peep show.

But I'm not as drunk
as I think you are.

I'll guarantee you'll
like this next number.

It's that old stuff again.

The barber's boy,
the mayor's son, they gotta

get out and shoulder a gun.

It makes no difference
when you're in the army.

It makes no difference who you
are or what's your family tree.

When I get up, you gotta get
up, you're just the same as me.

The sons are poor,
the sons are rich,

they gotta get out
and dig in the ditch

and answer to the call of revelry.

If I eat beans, you're gonna
eat beans, if you eat pie,

I'm gonna eat pie.

It makes no difference
when you're in the army.

Who?

Who is it when everything is
still will wake you and shake

you just to take a pill?

Who I ask you?

Who?

Your mother.

Who is it when your temperature
runs high will pace the floor,

and keep the score and
never close her eye?

Who?

Who I ask you?

Who?

Your mother.

Who is is when you
sneeze or cough or choke

will tear their hair
and grab her chair,

sit down and have a smoke?

Who I ask?
Who?

Who?

Your father.

That's why I say
it makes no difference

when you're in the army.

My favorite tune.

[MUSIC - JOAN BALDWIN
& CHARLES R. CALLENDER,

[MUSIC - JOAN BALDWIN
& CHARLES R. CALLENDER,

Lights.

Ladies and gentlemen, if
you like our first effort,

you should know who's
responsible for it.

If you approve of the new
spirit that's come to Midwick,

you should meet our inspiration.

If you please?

I'd like you to know my mother.

Oh, Peter.

Who told you?

No one.

It's just the way
I wanted it to be.

Oh, you old souse.

I love you.