Zigs (2001) - full transcript

Captioning made possible bytrimark home video

Danny,that meat order come in

this morning?

Did David heresign for it?

Listen, make Juan here

finish preppingthis station,

for God's sake.

Come on, it's yourbrother-in-law.

What, is he on siesta?

How you doing, darling?

Thanks. What's wrong?



Mm-hmm.

Maude, how you doing?What can I do for you?

Not a problem.Amy, I see jaime

cleaning uptable 8 now.

Not a problem.

Amy, where's David?

Ira! Helen, lookingbeautiful as ever.

Well, I got to squeeze18 holes in today.

Considering I haven'tleft this place

in 6 months, not bad.

Right. I gotto get to work.

I'll catch youlater, doll.

Call me.

Tanya, where's David?



Bring the blueat table one.

Jenny, I'll bein the office.

David, take your feetoff my desk.

You're stinking upthe books.

Hey! My commercial.

Hello.

I'm Arnold zigman,and this is zig's.

And here at zig's,we've been serving

the valley's finestculinary concoctions

since 1967.

And my family's favorite,

the burly frankfurterwith Sauerkraut.

So, bring your whole familyover to zig's,

and enjoythe wonderful service

from our friendly staff,

the comfortableatmosphere,

and the tasty food.

We're at...

Just east of canoga.

And we're open every dayand every night.

Thank you.

Ha ha!

I can't believeyou spent 5 grand on that.

Oh, man, I'm nevergonna hear the end of this.

David,that's what you call

good business sense.

To make money,sometimes you got

to spenda little money.

But on that, dad?

Come on. Give me a break.

Boychik. Oy.

If you're so smart,why don't you

open upyour own place?

Maybe I will.

Right.Maybe you will.

I'll believe thatwhen I see it.

In the meantime,

get your feetoff my desk.

And do something.

Just for a change,

why don't youtry working

for the moneyi pay you?

Most people comefrom the school of thought

that hard workand a 9 to 5 life

is the only way to getanywhere in today's world.

How'd you do?

I beg to differ.

It's, uh...

It's 4-2 giants.Bonds just went

yard onto waveland Avenue.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, all right.I'll be here. Bye.

Getting anywherethese days

is about putting your moneyon the right team...

Or being in the right place...

At the right time.

How's your girlfriend?You two still together?

I needanother 5 grand.

Mikey,you're down 37k.

Have I ever stiffed youbefore, Charlie?

That's notwhat I asked you.

Look, if I don'tpay you by tomorrow,

you can send someoneto break my legs. Ok?

Mikey, if I give you5 more and you don't pay,

they can do morethan break your legs.

It's my ass,too, you know.

I vouched for you.

This is serious, man.

I know what I'm doing.

Oh, yeah?

Then why do you alwaysdo this to yourself?

Um, I'm tryingto do something...

You understand? I...

You know what, Charlie?I don't need your money.

Ok? Forget it.

Come on, Mikey.

I just don't wantto see anything bad

happening to you.

Nothing badcan happen to me.

Come on. I'm the luckiestguy in the world.

Not today you're not.

Oh, yeah? Watch me.

Yo, mung!

How much you give meon the come for the box?

Your Porsche?Yeah.

What are you gonna do,shoot it all?

Just tell mehow much, mung.

What year is it?

It's a '98.

I don't know.10 grand.

10 grand! Dude,it's a $40,000 car.

It's worth a hellof a lot more than that.

I know it's worthmore to you,

but right now,that's how much

it's worth to me.

All right, fine.But no vig.

Fuck that.I got to see this.

Play it.

Don't fuck around,charlie. I said play it.

Ok.

I'll deal you myself.

Thanks, Vinnie.Take a break.

Split it.

Can't split them.You don't have any money.

Mung?

Oh, you want to goon account?

The vig is 10% per week.

Fine. Put me down.

Deal.

Double down.

Oh, shit.

You are one crazyhebrew motherfucker.

Mung, put me down.

That's 20k, Mike.

I know what it is.I said put me down.

Put him on account.

One card.

Next hand.

Double down.

Mikey, you realize if youdon't take care of this,

it's your ass.

I know.

Right on.

We just hadto get that straight.

One more time, Charlie.

Jesus Christ, whereare all the face cards?

14. Where the hellare the face cards?

Paint 'em.

37 goes backto the house.

10 grandgets me back my keys.

And the 30k you wenton account for

is now null and void.

10 percent vig.That's got to be

the fastest 3 grandyou ever made, right?

Right place,right time. You know.

Never count me out,charlie. Never.

You got stones, kid.I'll give you that.

Where you going now?

You need to ask?

Hey, buddy.What's up?

Mikey. What's up?

How'd you dothis weekend?

It was beautiful.On Wednesday,

everybody loaded upon Maddox and the braves

and lay the 240.I cleaned house.

Except for youand David.

You'll take care of uslater, right?

I always do.

In the bathroom.Gotcha.

This is zig's,my home away from home,

the place where my friends and igo to eat, drink,

smoke, gambleour lives away, and...

Drink and smoke.

* he can feel

* there is love

* and my neighbor...

The jukebox.

Although zig's has been openfor over 30 years,

he hasn't changed his song listsince 1983.

But you know what?

We like it that way.

Michael.

Zig. Arnold zigman...

The proprietorof this fine establishment

and our philosophical mentorin the art of sports gambling.

He first opened the jointin 1967

and has enjoyeda fruitful life.

Jamie, gimme a drink.

My best friend David and iliterally grew up here.

As a matter of fact,

we celebratedour bar mitzvahs at zig's.

And this is where we wonour first bet.

50 bucks on the raidersover the chiefs.

Although he manages the placewhen zig's not around,

he's not particularlyhappy about it.

You see, David always thoughthe'd play hockey for the kings.

Unfortunately, for a slowjewish kid from the valley

with no stick handling ability

and a slap shot that looksmore like a change up,

the only scoring David does nowis when he hires a new waitress.

Come on, buddy,please.

Are you honestlytelling me

you're not liquidfor 20?

Cory oppenheim,the Jersey jinx.

Fantasticboiler room closer.

Could cold call eskimosin Alaska to buy ice cubes,

and they'd send hima check.

No, 20 cents.

How much you thinkheating oil goes for?

20,000!

Don't give me any crapabout being strapped,

because I read yourportfolio, Dr. rosenschmuck.

No, no, look--lo--

shh! Shh!

But the worst loseri've ever seen.

We call him the jinx becauseeverything he bets on loses,

and he's always behindat the book.

If I were a prize fighterand Cory bet on me,

I would concede the knockoutand move to a different country.

Oh, buddy, please!You're killing me!

When have I everstiffed you before, huh?

No, no, no, no.That was different.

There was a deathin the family.

And then there's Brett,

the most annoyinghuman being

on the face of the earth.

Couldn't get laidin a morgue,

but that doesn'tkeep him from trying.

Not because he's nota great guy--because he is--

but because he never loses.

There's an old gambling adagethat says:

If you never bet morethan 50 bucks a game,

you'll never lose.

So all Brett doesall day long

is find out exactlywhat Cory is gonna bet,

and then he bets 50 bucksthe other way.

When you got 5 dimesgoin' on the other way

and he bets against youand wins

and then does his littlevictory dance,

I swear to God,you could cut his balls off.

Whoo!

Whoop! Whoop!

Ah ha ha!

So...You got the stuff?

You know, I'm tiredof you guys taking my money.

I think it's timeto cut you off.

Ok. You wanna come back inand we'll start all over?

Now you're talking to me,baby.

Now you're talkin' to me!

Let's go.

And here's to you.

Oh, no, here's to you,my friend.

No, no,here's to you.

Oh, dear, thank youfor coming, now...

Please leave.

Thank you.

Excuse me, boys.

Ahh!

Hello, David. 2 beers,jimmy, please.

Hello, baby.

So will I see youlater?

Hopefully.

Ok.

Thanks.

Whoa, did yougo there, too?

Well, I got a thingfor tall blonds

who smell nice, butthen again, who doesn't?

What do you think?

Where is it?

It's on ventura boulevardjust east of balboa.

Does it haveenough space?

Ample. What do you think?Nice big satellite dish there.

Big neon sign saying mvps?

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm,hmm, hmm?

Hey, you sureit isn't 155?

Sandy, stop beingsuch a schmuck.

Welterweight is 147.

Could have swornit was 155.

No. That's juniormiddleweight,

and it's 154to be exact.

Mike, am I right?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

What's this?

It's our new businessventure. What do you think?

Right.

This is gonna bejust like when you guys

wanted to open upthat tanning salon

or that carpet cleaningbusiness.

This is just another oneof your pipe dreams.

When are you guys gonnagrow up? Come on, already!

Didn't this used to bethat supper club?

What do you mean used tobe? What happened to it?

I dunno. Closed downabout a month ago.

It's been boarded upever since.

Why'd it close down?

I don't know.But listen....

I think we can getthis place dirt cheap.

I'm talking like $1.00,$1.50 a square foot.

No fucking way.

You can't get itthat cheap.

How muchcould it be?

A lot!

Do they havea liquor license?

I've drank there.

It's good to see you didyour homework, Mike.

He's right. We can neverafford a place like that.

See, Brett, that's whyyou never get laid.

You lack confidence.

No confidence.

Hey, brother,I found something

that might helpyour confidence.

"Penile enlargement.

"Now you can achievegreater self-esteem

"with increased lengthand width

and return to workin just 2 short days."

And you don't haveto worry about

going back to work sinceyou don't have a job.

What do you mean?I work.

I don't thinkdonating sperm

and collecting unemploymentactually counts as a job.

Although, if you did getthe penile enlargement,

you could probably write it offas a business expense.

You should talk to youraccountant about that.

I don't really have aproblem with my penis size.

Probablyhereditary.

Probably has to do withthat fucking disease you have.

It's not a disease,you schmuck.

I'm lactose-intolerant.

What does thatmean?

That means he can'tdigest dairy.

He can't digest dairy?Putz has 3 milkshakes a day!

I take pills for it.

It's fucking pathetic, man.

There are starvingchildren in the world,

and your impotent ass can'tdigest a fucking glass of milk.

It's a shanda, baby.

Tch.

What are you having,cory?

I'll, uh, I'll have 2 bulletburgers, extra cheese,

a bagel lightly toasted,

cream cheese and butter,pack of Marlboro reds,

and a, uh...Fuck it.A double bloody Mary.

Breakfastof champions.

How can you eatlike that, Cory?

You're a walkingheart attack.

Bet you he has a coronaryby the time he's 35.

Shit, I'll lay3-1.

That's comforting. I'llstiff you all in my will.

Anything else?

Just you, baby.

Boys...You wouldn't knowwhat to do with me.

Ooh!

I think I would.

I know I would.Yeah, baby!

Oh, man. I can't believe youstill haven't been there.

I think she's hot.

Are you fuckingkidding me?

Yeah, she's like,uh...Nurturing.

She's like my mother.

Well, that's exactlywhat I mean

in a very weird freudiannorman bates kinda way.

It's just like you...Have to have her.

You bangedeverything else

in the joint.Might as well

bat for the cycle.

Hey, zig...

You ever notice how every whitewide receiver in the NFL

is calleda possession receiver?

You never heard them calla black guy that.

It's their politicallycorrect way of saying

you're white and slow,

so you better catchthat football.

So you were atthe track all day?

How'd you do?

I broke even.

I hate that place.I never win there.

You neverwin anywhere.

Go fuck yourself.

Why don't you stick to whatyou know, Mike? Games.

Yeah. I know games.

And I know thatyou can pick the games

better than dionne warwickor Philip Michael Thomas

or Anthony Michael hall or anyother 3-named motherfucker

you wanna throw in there,because I don't want my bets

to be influenced by thefucking Jersey jinx over here

or by this know-nothingmotherfucker, ok?

So go home, get some sleep,get back here, and help me out.

Jamie,start cleaning up.

I want everybody outof here early tonight.

* I'm not supposedto love you *

* when I'm out hereon the road *

* the thingsi want to tell you... *

I think we should stickwith the original one.

Let's call it mvps.

No, no, no,that's like--

that's like--that's too spot on.

It's liketoo spot on.

Come up with somethingmore original

like a rock 'n' rolltheme kind of a song

like, uh...Like Benny and the jets.

Take a lyric from Benny and the jets

and call it somethinglike, uh...

Like, uh, mohay vu.

Mohay vus.

What the hell'smohay vu?

What the fuckis a mohay vu?

It's French,you know?

He goes, "I gotelectric boots,

"I've gota mohay vu,

I read itin a magazine."

Mohay vu.

This guy getsstupider every day.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's mohair shoes.

No, no, no, no.It's a mohair suit.

No, it's not.It's mohay vu.

I've heard the song

about 20,000fucking times.

So have I. I've heard it20,000 fucking times, too.

It's a fuckingmohair suit.

Would you like to placea little wager on that?

I certainly would like to.How much? $20? $20? Right there?

James, would you dothe honors, please?

Ok, great. Thank you.

Rock 'n' roll Johnny. Whatis the correct lyric, friend?

It's a mohair suit.

Ah, thank youvery much.

Some fucking help!

He has a g.E.D.,for chrissake.

Well, there's nothingwrong with that.

A guy can't makenatural fox pass,

for chrissakes?

Ha ha ha haha ha ha ha!

What the fuck?

Fuck!

No, no, no. I thinkwhat our drunken friend

is trying to say is thathe made a...Faux pas.

Oh, again withthe French.

No, that isactually French.

Faux pas.Say it with me. Faux pas.

No. How 'bouti say fuck you?

That's good.That's French, too.

What is the matterwith this fuckin' guy?

This guy tinywas the only reason

why everyone kept currenton the books with Clyde.

See, Clyde was nothingbut a half-assed bookie

who prided himself on beingthis Chris walken aficionado.

Not only did he walkand talk like him,

but he claims to have seen king of New York 2,000 times.

Rumor has it Clyde oncekilled a man for 20 bucks.

Personally, I think hestarted the rumor himself.

Jimmy, give mea shot...

who do not paytheir tabs.

Ladies and gentlemen,it's closing time.

Please leave me my bar.I have work to do.

Are you serious?

I got work to do!Can't you take a hint?

Good night,everybody.

Hey, hey, hey,hey, hey, hey!

That's my drink.I own the place.

By the way, David.Nice commercial.

Fuck you very much.Thank you.

Hey, Dave, we'llbe on Atlantic.

Yeah. I got a feeling.The fuckers.

Good night,johnny long.

Jesus Christ.

Good night.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, uh, by the way,uh, Brett.

That, uh...

That dinner that youbought me last night,

I was thinking...

Instead of, uh,buying me a dinner,

why don't you just pick upthe tab for the, uh,

parking lot and the, uh,

the admission atthe track this weekend?

Why the fuckwould I do that?

Parking and admissionat the track

is at least $8.00 or $9.00.

I can buy youa burger here for 3.

What do you mean?

An entire burger mealcosts, uh, at least 6.95.

Who the hell said anythingabout a complete dinner?

The bet was for a burger,

singular, nota burger with fries

or a burger and salad.

Just a burger.

Are you kiddin' me?

No, I'm not.

Look...

Let me get this straight.

You just wanna buy mea fucking hamburger,

alone, just alone?

Yeah, it's calledá LA carte.

Á LA carte.

Again with this fuckin'French. It's drivin' me--

á LA carte! A LA carte!

W-what is tha--wh--

a-alone, withoutany French fries?

Yeah, you're--you'recatchin' on quickly.

I hate you.

Mike, I--I--I love you.You're a fuckin' mentsh,

but this is just anotherone of your schemes.

No, no, no, no.

I'm serious about this,man. Trust me.

I mean, don't youwanna do somethin',

don't you want to makesomethin' happen, you know,

to know that you made ithappen, we made it happen?

Look, I'm seriousabout this.

I wanna do this now.

I wanna do this. Trust me.

Trust you?

Yeah.

And why shouldi trust you?

I don't know. Maybeyou're right. You know, I--

maybe, uh--maybei should get a job.

You're gonnaget a job.

You.

Yeah, I can get a job.Listen, mister, uh...

Responsible 'cause my dadowns a restaurant...

I can, uh, I can get a job

and save my money and,uh, be an entrepreneur.

As a matter of fact,tomorrow, you know what?

I'm gonna golook for a job.

Yo, what's the lineon that Philly game?

Yo, the Dodgers are 30and 7 1/2 over 110.

50. All right, listen.

I'm gonna lay 6kto win 4 on the mets.

Ok? What are the jays at?

No, shit. They're dogswith clemens on the mound?

All right.

Give me 3k on the jays.

I'm gonna parlay bothof that into the...

Joey caldera is the onlyitalian guy from Brooklyn

who thinks he's black.

He moved out hereduring high school

and has enjoyeda successful endeavor

in the world of bookmaking.

...in the fifth.

Although we've beenfriends for a long time,

we barely hang.

We just run in differentcrowds, I guess.

But once in a whilewe'll still do a favor

for each other as a tokenof our friendship.

E-ease up, Joey?What do you mean, ease up?

What're you, my bookieor my mother?

Yo, yo, yo, yo, wait.

Yo, I need you to do me a favor.

No--no--no--no.

I need you to go byand pick up an envelope

from your father's boss.

Get somebody else, bro.

I can't find nobody else.That's why I'm askin' you.

You know what?You're a real asshole.

You know that? Just for that, I'm taking 20%.

Yo, 10%...

And I don't wantto hear any of that

"I'll give it to younext week" bullshit.

Yo, I need it today.

All right.

I'll talk to you.

Motherfucker thinksi'm bank of America.

Now let me see thatweak-ass crossover.

10-1. Game point.

That's game, brother.

Looks like it'sbullet burgers on you.

Wait till I get your blackass in my swimmin' pool.

Michael.

What's up?

What do I owethis honor to?

I came byto say hi, and...

I need some windshieldwipers for my car.

Oh, that flashnazi mobile you drive?

It's not a Nazi mobile,dad. It's a Porsche.

Porsche.

Yeah.Whatever.

Yeah, we can set you up.

You get a job yet?

I'm workin' on some otherthings right now, dad.

Well, I'll get youa job here.

Teach ya howto handle a wrench.

You! You tell thatson of a bitch I'm done.

You understand?

I lost 5 grand last weekand another 7,600

again this week becausehe doesn't take teasers.

If he woulda let me teaseboth weeks, I would've won.

You just tell that assholethat this is it.

You understand? No more.

And if that prick evercalls me again,

I'll have you botharrested.

So, uh, what kind of wipersdid you say you needed?

You can't beat me.

Oh, hey, Mike.What's up?

Hey, guys.What's up, man?

What's goin' on?

No!Ooh, ooh!

Yeah, yeah! No!

No!

* whoo, whoo

you are the worst!

I told you! How can youbet against junior?

The man's a home runmachine.

How could I beton the American league?

There's no pitching.

I--I mean, look atthat putz on the mound.

What do they pay this guy,like $3 million a year

to lob grapefruitslike that?

Un-fuckin'-believable.

I mean, I could dobetter than that.

I shoulda never gave up pitchin'.

I'd probably be inthe big leagues by now.

Please, don'teven start with me

with the pitching bullshit.

If I have to listen to yougo glory days on me again,

I'm gonna puke!

I'm serious, man. I couldabeen a big league pitcher

if I'd just kept it up.I just--

you know, I justdidn't keep it up.

Maybe you shouldahired a fluffer.

Oh.

Hey, fuck you.Yeah, great, Marge.

Kick me whilei'm down, huh?

But I swear to God,I was good.

I was fuckin' fantastic.

14-year-old colt division ayear before I came out here.

Oh, here we go againwith the phantom shutout.

A 9 inningfull game shutout

over the hoboken hounds,

and if you don't believeme, ask Adam goldberg.

He was there playingsecond base that day.

Who the hellis Adam goldberg?

I just told you,fuck face.

He was second base.

Here, why don't you go see

a Bruce Willis movieor somethin'?

Oh, my--

hey.

Thanks.

Yeah, thanks, Mike.

So you're comin'to my bar mitzvah?

I don't know.You ready for it?

Of course.

Yeah, well, let me hearsomethin'. Come on.

Aw, come on.

Come on. It's worth40 bucks, isn't it?

Come on, guys. Paul, help him out.

All right, all right.You guys suck, you know that?

No--no. I know my

haftarah portionbackwards and forwards.

The reception'sgonna be awesome.

You gotta be there.

My dad's renting outthe entire corbin bowl:

Arcade, snack shop,bowling. It's all free.

Free bowlin', huh?

You know...

Is it so hardfor you to admit

that in my youthi was in fact

an absolutelyfantastic pitcher?

I was fucking fantastic!

Fine. You werethe cy fucking young

of the bnai brithleague. Ok?

Are you happy now?

Mike, takethe Dodgers tonight.

They're a lock.

Last year valdeswas 8 and 1 at home.

Yeah, and karros is gonnago yard tonight for sure.

Yo, duh.

Wait a second. What areyou guys doing gambling?

You're 12 years old.

We're 13.

And what's wrongwith that?

You gamble.

Yeah, butthat's different.

Why?

It just is, ok?

You know what, guys.I'm gonna teach you

a very valuable lessonright now.

Now you say you knowyour haftarah portion

backwards and forwards,right?

Yeah.All right.

I bet you double or nothin'on the 20 I just gave you

that you don't.

Now. Sing it backwards.

Eh?

Aw, darn. No!

Whoo! Whoo-ooh! Yes!

* whoo whoo-ooh whoo-whoo-whoo *

man, you need a fuckin'win bad, buddy.

You better get some help.

I know. I know.

I'll ask rainman.He knows everything.

Hey, rainman.

Listen, pal,I need your help,

and I need it bad.What can you do for me?

Uh, let's see, uh...

Let's see, let's see.

Uh, ok...

The Knicks and the hawksare about to tip off

in 10 minutes.It's a pick-em.

Buddy, please!

Aw.

All right, schmucko. Ok.

All right. When assessingthis particular game,

there are certain key factorsthat immediately come to mind.

For instance, the knicksare 18 and 2 at the garden

when coming off a home loss...

No matter how sureyou think something is,

gambling is alwaysa losing proposition.

Ok?

Go on, get out of here.

What wasthat all about?

Uh, nothin'.

Michael...

I can read you like a book.I always could.

You know,I've always said

this is a manwho can do things.

Really?

When the team shot 39%from the field

and 73% from the foul line,

when ewing averages21 points a game or better,

naturally duringa night contest

when the moon is in its3 quarter Crescent phase,

but only if the team facesan eastern division foe

who's under 500 on the road,

while spike leeand Jerry Seinfeld

are in attendance

along with Woody allenwho's without soon-yi.

Well, I'll tell ya.

I like the name.

I think it's a good idea,a good concept.

But, uh, to be honest,

I think you guysare gettin' in

a little bitover your heads.

You don't know anything

about the restaurantbusiness.

What, youdon't think David

knows how to runa restaurant?

David? Sure.

David knows how to run in,watch a Lakers game,

have a little noshand run out.

It's nice to see

you have so muchconfidence in me, dad.

Look, I'm not sayin'it's not possible.

I just don't thinkyou guys have any idea

of the shityou gotta deal with.

Like what?

All right.Let's be realistic.

Besides allthe bullshit red tape,

the lease,the liquor license,

the building codes,permits, contractors,

besides all that,

there's the questionof the gelt.

Come on, boys.You know, the money.

You wanna open up shop

in the middleof sherman oaks

on ventura boulevard,

you're gonna needa lot of gelts,

especially if you'regonna give the place

a complete overhaul:

Big screen tvs,satellite dishes,

cable this,pay-per-view that,

sound system, all the waydown to the silverware--

that costs money.

You're lookin' at no lessthan half a mil, easy.

Now, Michael...

I'm sure you havea little money put away,

and David that 50,000your grandparents left you

is yours to dowhat you like with,

but I know Cory's broke'cause he owes me money,

and Brett...

God bless him, but that kidcould squeeze a dime so hard

he'd get 3 nickels.

So what do we do?

What do you do?

You get up off your ass,

and you figure itthe fuck out.

Come on, David.What's the matter with you?

Have a little chutzpa.

I'm tired of changingyour diaper, son.

Listen, boychik...

You want a sandwich, fine.

You need a placeto stay, fine.

You want your own business,

you got out andyou get it for yourself.

Farshtaist?

Mike.

Well, that went well.

I didn't wanna tell himi didn't have any money.

So all we gotis my 50 k?

That isn't gonna dofuck-all for us.

I got a littleoveranxious, Mike,

and I couldn't wait.

Cory went crazy, bet everyday game there was,

and he bet 'em heavy.He's down, Mike. Bad.

Doug and Paul said--

Doug and Paul are 12 yearsold, for chrissakes.

They're 13!

Guys, please.

And that's justtoday's games.

He's got action onevery L.A. team tonight.

That's good,right, Mike?

I gotta makea comeback.

How much?

15,000 if all 3teams lose.

Both of you?

No. Are you kidding?I made my $50 bet and quit.

Look, I still gota chance

on my picks tonight,right?

I don't know. I didn't likeany of 'em. I stayed away.

You mean, you didn't...Didn't play anything?

I didn't say that, Cory.

I said I didn't likeany of the L.A. teams.

But what do I know?It doesn't mean shit, right?

Buddy, please.

All right. Call in a coupledimes on the mets/jay parlay.

Back it up with a straightbet on the mets for 2

and another on the jays.

What else is going on?

Maybe there's somethingi missed here.

Uh, Mike, look,that's--that's no good.

Clyde already saidi'm cut off.

You bet with Clyde,you stupid motherfucker?

You bet with Clyde? Thatguy's a fuckin' psycho!

Are you outta your mind,cory?

Well, nobody elsewould take my action!

What am I gonna do?

All right, what time is it?

It's 7:28. We got2 fucking minutes.

Yo, Joey, what's up?Yeah, it's Mike.

Yeah. Hey, listen,you remember my friend

Brett, right?

Yeah. $50-Brett. Yeah.He's hit it big now

in some multi-levelmarketing scheme

or something,and he's back in town,

and he wants to throwdown some action.

Can you do it? Yeah,I'll vouch for him.

He's right here.You wanna talk to him?

Listen. Just say you wantthe same thing as Mikey

and that you're goodfor it, ok?

Yeah. Same thing as Mikey,and I'm good for it.

No problem.

Yo, uh, Joey, what's up?

Uh, yeah, just give methe same thing--what?

Oh, uh, yeah, justgot back into town.

Uh-huh. From, uh...

From, uh...

Atlantic city.New York. New York.

Miami. Miami.

Salt lake city.

I guess you could sayi'm rolling down there, bro.

Oh, no, no, none of that$50 bullshit anymore.

No, I'm straight upbig bank Hank in '98, nigga!

What are you doing?

I'm just trying to speak hislanguage. I don't know.

Yeah, you knowwhat I'm sayin', right?

I'm throwin' downbuckets-o'-ducats.

Yeah, man! You knowwhat I'm saying?

You know whati'm saying, right?

Yeah, you know who I am,joey, right?

I'm the o.G. Dope in themotherfuckin' house, nigga!

Taft high school, baby!

Yeah! Don't thinki don't remember that.

We used to call youjoey capezio

because you used to wearthose white capezios

with the sergio valente pantsand the sham shirts

and the combin your back pocket,

cruising down ventura boulevardin your green suzuki samurai

and your vanilla ice hairdo.

Man, you werea fucking nightmare!

Yeah, I know that wasa long time ago.

But it's also beena long time

since I made any kindof a $50 bet,

but you don't seem tohave a lot of problems

remembering that, now, do you?The point is this...

I'm a Jew, right?

And Jews are knownfor what?

That's right! Money, honey!

And right now I gottruckloads of it.

Just put me down for whatevermikey's down for,

and win or lose,dinner this weekend is on me

at the stagebrush cantina.

We'll go to pelicans afterwardsfor drinks, ok?

All right, cool.Yeah, all right.

Uh, great. Peace out.

Ciao.

Yo, Joey. Yeah.Yeah.

Yeah, he has certainlychanged a lot. Yeah.

Uh...Ok.

Yeah. Um...

All right. Yeah.Later, dude. Bye.

What just happened?What'd I do?

Watch himlose his lunch.

You just went downon paper for 10 large

with Joey caldera.

$10,000?

To Joey c. Of chatsworth?

Yeah. And I vouchedfor you.

How sick is that?Oh, my God.

You got a couple ofreal friends there, Cory.

These guys put theirasses on the line for you.

I hope you know that.

He knows. Come on, let'sjust watch the games, buddy.

And so, we satand sweated the games.

For a while, it looked likewe had a chance.

The Dodgers looked good early,and so did the Lakers.

Even the kingscame out strong,

but just as I thoughtthis morning, they all folded.

The Dodgers' bullpencouldn't close.

The kings' new goalie gotstoned. Even the Lakers

gave up a fourth quarter leadand lost in overtime.

Now, Cory obviouslyhad reason to sweat,

but so did Brett and I.

Together, we were downfor 20 grand,

and none of us had it.

Clemens had pitchedmasterfully,

but he was gettin' tired.

The yanks werestartin' to get to him.

All right. Get him outtathere. He's exhausted.

He's tired already.He's an old man.

Yeah, he's donea great job.

That's all he can do.

Come on,bring in the closer.

Oh, God.He's gonna blow it.

I can't watch this.

I can't believe I'm gonna lose.I swear to God,

I'm gonna killmyself if they lose.

Brett, would youshut the fuck up please?

You're gonna jinx it.

He's got the bases loadedwith nobody out.

All they needis a base hit, and we lose.

Shut up!

The hardest thingto do in sports

is hit a baseball.

I should be in therepitching right now.

No, we'll do just finewith him, ok?

Are you nuts?Do you know

how many pitcheshe's thrown?

Clemens is a champion.

You can't beat a man withthe heart of a champion.

He won't let ya.

What the hell is thatsupposed to mean?

You wouldn'tunderstand.

Look, trust me.

If they leave him in,we'll win.

If they take him out, we take our chances.

They should just let himclose it out.

Right here, right now.

Mr. gaston, it looks like...

He's done theright thing now,

'cause clemens looks like...

I think so.

It looks like he's--he's gonna pull him.

Yes it is.He's pulling him out.

And who--who are the,uh, blue jays gonna tap?

Yes, they are.They're tapping...

The young--yes, it is.

It is Matt Reed.

Matt Reed?!

The upstart rookieis coming in

to relieve Roger clemens.

That's right. Matt Reed,

the big valley boyfrom California.

Oh! Are you outof your fucking mind?

This is fuckin'unbelievable.

Little Matty reedis pitching

in the biggest gameof our lives?

I mean, I heardhe got drafted,

but that wasa couple years ago.

He was in the minors,you putz.

You remember the minors?

People go there beforethey make it to the show?

I can't believehe's younger than us.

I can. I used to lock himin his gym locker

when he was a freshman.

Oh, great.

You fuckin' kiddin' me?

Well, that's just beautifulkarmically.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

We're relyingon Matty Reed to bail us out

of the biggest game of our fuckin' lives,

and you used to lock himin his fuckin' gym locker?

Well, if I hada crystal ball--

Shut up!

Guys, we've gota shot, ok?

Matt's a winner.

He's always beena winner.

We've got a shot.Mike,

what is it with thiswinner-loser bullshit?

Yeah,please explain.

The difference betweenwinning and losing,

gentlemen,is intangible.

It's not shownin the stats,

it's not measured in percentages.

It's only found

in a few very special,very rare people,

and it's foundin the heart...

The will to win.

Rocky marciano,49 and 0.

Never lost. Refused.

Joe Montana...

2 minutes left, downby 6, 80 yards to go.

You knew Joe was gonna

put it in the end zone,see?

Matt Reed's a winner.He played with

my friend shaymis' sonin winter ball.

You got a shot, boys.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome backto yankee stadium.

As the yankeesface the blue jays,

Roger clemens has just beentaken out of the game,

and the young rookiematt Reed

is coming in to relieve him.

Here's Matt Reed...

Someone we all wentto high school with.

Even though he wantedto hang out with us,

all he got was Cory stuffinghim in his locker.

Matty reedcame into that game

and struck out the only3 batters he faced,

and we all won...

But there was no cheering,

and Brett didn't dohis little victory dance.

I mean, here he is

closing out a gameon national television,

and what are we doin'?

Strike 3!Jeeter has--

just watching.

To end the game,and the New York Yankees--

I guess there comesa moment in your life

when you look at someone,someone like Matt,

filled withtalent and beauty,

and it makes you reflecton your own life,

or lack thereof.

None of us said a word.We all just went home.

I'd just like to thank God.

* lately I've beenstressin' *

* and I'm only 17

* everybody's on my back

* and that ain't what I need,no not this time *

* I keep lookin' for a clue,I need a sign *

The next nightwas Monday night.

Date night.

The nightwe all got together

and took our respectivegirlfriends out

for a night on the town.

Now, the girls usedto complain as to why

we decidedon a Monday night

as the nightto take them out,

because,according to them,

nothing ever really happenson a Monday night.

They felt they were gettin'the short end of the stick.

What they didn't realize

is that it was reallya compromise.

Yes, for the most part,

we chose that nightbecause it's true,

nothing good really happenson a Monday night.

Except for 16 weeksout of each year

during football season,it was a living hell.

Not only did we have

to sweat out our Monday nightaction in the dark,

but for those 16 weeks,we had to actually pretend

that we were interestedin anything else.

The cool thing was

whoever didn'tbring a date on date night

had to buy drinksfor a week.

I personally never reallyhad a problem with this,

but tonight,david had reason to sweat.

You guys aren't gonnafuckin' believe this,

but, uh, the girl

I was supposedto hook up with tonight,

she got stuckin an elevator.

You're right.I don't believe you.

Swear to God.

No, I'm tellin' you,it's the God's honest truth.

The doors opened, sheforgot to turn sideways,

and she got her ass stuckon the way out.

That's funny.What, you--you serious?

Hey, you thinkyou feel bad now,

you shouldsee the beauty

that brettwalked in with.

Do I know her?No,

actually, thisis our first date,

but I think shereally likes me.

No kiddin'.

Oh, she's so hot, bro.

On fire.

Oh, and she totallyworks out, too, bro.

She's so athletic.

I--I was grabbin'her ass

on the way in here,

and she wastotally diggin' it.

I can't fuckin'believe this.

You show upwith a bombshell,

and I get stood up.

What's her name?

Oh, that'sthe best part.

This is candy.

Isn't she beautiful?

She's a knockout.

You know, I told you towear something sexy,

and...You did.You really did.

* she's got eyes so dry

* and a face like a magnet

Now, can we pleasesit down? I'm starving.

Absolutely. Please,

I've got a nice tablefor you back here.

Oh, hey, uh, zig,you know where David is?

He's fixin' his hair,as usual.

You know where to find him.

Uh, ladies,I have an idea.

Why don't you, uh,follow zig to the table,

order some cocktails,and, uh,

we'll go find David andbe right with you, ok?

Ok.

All right, sweetheart.

How you been, Rachel?

Go ahead.I'll be right back.

Oh, it's been so longsince I've had any, man.

I just can't believe

that my first timeto the plate in 6 months

and I get to connectwith someone like her.

Whoo! Ha!

Huh? Huh?

W-w-wait a second.6 months?

What happenedto that the chick

you were datingfor a couple weeks?

Uh...

Oh, shit. Yeah, right.W-what happened to her?

That, uh, um, right.The Starbucks--

that Starbucks chick.Heather.

Heather? I--I don'treally recall Heather.

Come on, Romeo.

Don't play stupidwith us.

She's all you evertalked about

for a week forchrissakes, man.

Oh! Oh,that Heather.

Right.That Heather, yeah.

She didn't,uh, return my calls.

Oh.Why, what'd you do?

Nothing...

Well, you must havedone something.

I know. You made herpay for half the bill,

didn't you,you cheap fucker?

Oh, you're such a Jew.

No, that wasn't it.I paid.

That'sa miracle.

Donald trumpover here

actually pickedup a frappuccino.

Wait, wait,I know what you did.

You put on one of those,uh, track suits

and your fakegold medallion,

and you triedto pawn yourself off

as one of thoseisraeli gangsters, right?

How many timesi gotta tell ya?

Just--just--just be yourself.

No, I didn'tdo that one, either,

but thanks.

You said it,didn't you?

What?

I can't believeyou said it again.

Not again.

Said what?

You said "I love you"on the first date.

What is the matterwith you?

No, I didn't.

Of course you did.Look at you.

You're such a fuckin' liar.Look at you.

Fine. It might havejust slipped out.

Slipped out.

Brett, Brett,girls do not

wanna hear that shiton the first date.

I mean, you're luckyshe didn't file

a restraining orderagainst you, you putz.

Listen,

we wereat Starbucks,

and it happened.

I--I--I justfell in love, ok?

I mean, I--I hopedthat you guys

would be happyfor me.

You fell in love with the ideaof screwin' her brains out.

You gotta learn how to tellthe difference between the two.

You gotta differentiate.

Yeah, differentiate.

Mike, Mike. Look,

go easy on him,all right?

I mean, uh, Heather,

that--that--that'sa little girl,

but, uh, candy,I mean,

come on, man.That's a woman.

That's morethan a woman.

So, Rachel,how is school going?

It's going well.I mean, it's hard work,

but I'm learning a lot.Well, of course,

I don't get to see mikeas much as I'd like.

It seems every timei have a spare minute,

he's off somewhere,down a couple of dimes

and just has to breakeven, or else, you know?

I've stopped asking corywhat's going on altogether,

and we have beenso much happier.

I don't know what they'regetting so worked up for.

It must be the pride,because it can't be the money.

I mean, they bet, like,a dime on this game,

a nickel on that game.I mean, once I was, like,

"Cory, just take my wholejar of quarters and go down

and pay the bookie offonce and for all

and be done with it."

He just gave methe meanest look

and told methat I did not understand.

Oh, shit!Oh, shit!

I love this show!

You guys rememberwhen t.J.

Used to put his haton backwards?

What the hell are you guysdoin' back here?

I'm starving.

Hey, listen,we're consoling David.

He got stood up tonight.

Yeah, she got stuckin an elevator.

Man, why can't theymake 'em like this anymore?

You know, like,uh, the white shadow

or--or--or shazam? Remember shazam?

Cory, Cory, Cory,cory, Cory,

what are youtalkin' about?

Shazam was lame.

He lived ina fuckin' winnebago.

Yeah, but he was cool.

No, he wasn't.

He was a fucked upsuperhero.

You're a fucked upsuperhero.

Yeah, well, I don't livein a winnebago, ok?

You guys didn'teat already, did you?

Hey, relax, Rachel.I'll lay 3 to 1

you and Jennifer haven'tfinished your cocktails yet.

You know what, Cory?

I'd really loveto tell Jennifer

that she's living in denialabout your gambling habit,

but I'm afraid thatshe would just think

I was referringto the river in Egypt.

That's impossible.She's never heard of Egypt.

Uh, you know what,marge?

I'm just gonnahave a salad.

Oh, yeah. Me, too.

Yeah, I'm, uh, tryin' to eathealthier these days.

Make it, uh, make it 3,marge, would ya?

What would you like,honey?

Hello.

Hi, I--I washere last week,

and I spoketo this older man.

He told meto fill this out

and give it tosomeone named David.

Is that you?

Yeah, it sure is.

Sara. That'smy favorite name.

Sara, let meask you a question.

Uh, do you havea boyfriend?

No.

Hmm...

And, uh,if you were to work here

and I was to makea pass at you,

would you suefor sexual harassment?

No.

You're hired.

Listen,uh, where you from?

Virginia.Virginia,

and why didyou move here?

I'm an actress.

is gonna be in the dinnertheater tonight.

You're playingthe role of the girl

who's supposedto be my date.

When we get to the table,just be very sorry

and make up some stupid storyas to why you were late, ok?

What's it pay?

Anything on the menu,best champagne in the house.

Deal.

I'll just, uh,have a salad, Marge.

I'm not that hungry.

I'd like the, uh,filet mignon, medium,

and I'll havea Caesar salad

and the calamarito start.

Anything to drink?

A glass of chiantiwill be fine, thanks.

I am so sorry I'm late.I had the hardest time

getting outof my office building.

There wasa power outage,

and I got stuckin the elevator.

* I don't have a life

* to give you on this day,but I *

what are you doin'?

Watchin' the sun rise.

Oh, yeah.It's very nice.

What I wanna know iswho were the guys

who originally thought thatthis was gonna be a good idea?

Yeah, 'cause,you know, I gotta

tell ya, that's aboutthe ugliest thing

I've ever seenin my life, I think.

Yeah, but see, it'scheesy stuff like this

that makes this place,you know?

Kinda like disco.Like, it's so bad

that when it comes backaround, it's good again,

you know?Mmm.

Kinda like you.

* you were alwaysgivin' me *

* more than enough

would you pleasetell me

why you insiston takin' a shit

with the door openall the time?

What's the matter,you claustrophobic?

Well, maybe thathas to do with this

being the smallest shitteron planet earth, you know?

I mean, there's absolutelyno leg room in here,

and, uh, and what's withthis toilet paper here?

It's like fuckin'elementary school.

You know what? Talkto my dad, would ya?

Jesus Christ. I mean,every time I walk in here,

I feel like a midgetbuilt the place, you know?

Every time I open the door,I feel like Billy barty

or herve villachezis gonna come runnin' out.

It's creepy.

Yeah, you know what'screepy is that smell

you got comin' outof your ass. Jesus.

You know something,candy?

Yes, Brett?

I don't think I've everfelt like this

in my entire life.

Me, either, Brett.

And candy?

Yes, Brett?

God, it's sucha sexy name.

I'm the kinda guy

that believes in followinghis instincts.

Me, too, Brett.

I swear to God.You're like Doug henning.

Where did you pullthat chick, out of a hat?

She's a sweetheart,isn't she?

She's terrific.Uh, she got a sister?

Yeah, she does,

but you wouldn'tlike her. She can read.

Very funny.

Very funny. What, you don't think

I could, uh, date a broadwho's intellectual?

Yeah, I knowyou couldn't

date a broadwho's intellectual.

It would make youfuckin' mental, man.

You know, I--I--I wishi was like you, though.

I really do.I wish I could

stand to be witha girl like Jennifer

because she's beautiful,and she's sweet,

and she's nice, and shetakes care of you.

I don't know. Somethin'swrong with me, man.

I need to bewith these women

who are smart and quickand call me on my shit

and don't takeany of mine.

You knowwhat I'm sayin'?

You're so fucked up.

You know, you spend

so much time hangin'around with your friends

that you forgetthat your best friend

spends most of her timewaiting around for you.

I mean, these guys...

They can't do what you do,

and you carry them.

You spend so much timesaving their asses

that you forget to watchout for yourself.

So, uh, you takin'

the, uh, laker gametomorrow night?

Are you fuckin'kiddin' me?

You have got to befuckin' kiddin' me.

Motherfucker.If it wasn't

for brettand fuckin' Mike,

your ass would be

pushin' up daisiesright now.

Jesus,I can't believe

you'd fuckin'do that to them.

What an asshole.

No one would takeyour action, anyway.

I'm just askin'.

Fine, fine, fine.The Lakers are layin' 8.

Did you play it?

Of course I played it.Lakers are a lock.

Well, you mightwant to, uh,

remember that they'replaying in Denver tomorrow.

We gotta take the, uh,altitude in consideration.

The Lakers could geta little winded.

You know what?The only person

gettin' windedout here is me.

You know what?Have the doctor

check your fuckin'colon,

you stinkymotherfucker.

Ah, you love it.

Hey! Come on,this isn't funny!

Will you turnthe lights on?

Buddy, please?!

Hello? Hey, uh,

where'd you say the linewas on the laker game?

Oh, so, now, I'm cut off?

What, I--I can't askwhat the line is?

I told you, you'll getyour money when you get it,

and if you don't like it,tough crackers.

Go fuck yourself!

But why would you wantto be an actress?

I mean, you seemso much smarter than that.

What? Does, uh, doesevery actress have to be

some sort of emotionalbasket case

who never really got enoughattention as a child?

Someone with no realself esteem

and no sense of whoshe is as a person

and who's reallyonly an actress

because she'sdesperately searching

for someone to grant hersome sort of validation

by telling herhow good she is

or how pretty she is?

So, you're familiarwith the beast?

All too well. I have to dealwith the stereotype.

You know, it's amazing youhave such great perspective.

I mean, you must besecretly weird or something.

You, um, you have a fatherwho kills cereal maybe?

No. Um...

I--I basically come froma really healthy family.

My parentsare still together.

I, uh, was never beatenor molested as a child.

Uh, I've never beenfucked over by a guy,

so I'm not bitter,

and I don't smokeor do drugs.

And you call yourselfan actress.

I thought those thingswere prerequisites.

Are you any good?

No, really, I mean,I thought you had to have

all kinds of fucked upexperiences to draw on.

See, I don't thinkyou have to be fucked up

in order to play someonewho's fucked up.

That's whythey call it "acting."

Otherwise, it wouldbe called "reality."

I never thoughtof it that way.

You raise a very goodpoint there.

Well, you must havesome vices. Everybody does.

You must, uh, I know.You're one

of those closethealth freaks, aren't you?

Nothin' but wheat germ

and high colonics4 times a week?

Coffee colonics on weekendswhen you're feelin' nutty?

No.

I know whatyou mean, though.

I--I do havea couple of things.

Like what?

Well, I think I enjoy sexa little too much,

and I love to gamble.

Do you believe in this?

Yes, Brett.

Do you think we have this?

Yes, Brett.

Cory, Cory, Cory, Cory.

I think thatthere's something

a little bit strange goingon with that candy girl.

Really?Why do you say that?

I mean, she seems reallynice and everything,

and I'm sure that it'sprobably just my imagination,

because she had her hand

between Brett's legsall night long,

but I could have sworn

that when I got upfrom the table,

that she grabbed my ass.

Really?

I mean, I know there'swild girls and stuff,

but I didn't know

that Brett was intothat kind of thing.

Huh, me, neither.Besides...

No one grabs your asswhen I'm not around.

Oh, my God.What are you going to do?

Are you feelingwhat I'm feeling?

Yes, Brett.

Oh...

Then candy--gosh,I really love your name--

do you live nearby?

Right around the corner.

And did you payfor your part of the check?

I paid for both of us.

Oh! Then candy...

Yes, Brett?

I...I...I thinki love you.

I love you, too, Brett.

It's a dude!Aah!

It's a dude!It's a dude!

Brett's kissinga dude!

And you saynothing good

ever happenson a Monday night.

Well, that'sa hell of a way

to keep from buyingdrinks, Brett.

Yeah, no shit.

I guess, technically,you did have a date,

so you are off the hook.

Fuck you, guys.I didn't know.

I can't believeyou didn't tell me!

Tell you? You couldhave shaved her

from a mile away.

She looked likecharlie Bronson.

Didn't you seethe Adam's apple?

Obviously not!

Always a dead giveaway.

Always lookfor the Adam's apple.

You guysare such assholes!

He was a hellof a kisser, though.

Oh, for chrissake.

So's your father.

Where are the girls?

They'rein the bathroom.

All 3 of 'em?

Well, you knowchicks.

For them,it's a group thing.

Yes, it is.

Oh, sh--

Fuck me, Cory?

No, fuck you.

"Clyde, I'm very sorry,"

"Clyde, I need more time,"

I could understand,but "fuck you" is so...

Inappropriate.

You know, guys,

this is my father'splace of business.

I'm afraid I'm gonnahave to ask you to--

ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Now, your friend here owesme a great deal of money,

and right now he's beingan asshole about it.

So either you figure outa way to make this right,

or he's going to haveto come with me.

Buddy, please...

Look, I got a solutionfor all this, ok?

Both Brett and I hitjoey caldera last night

for 7,600 a piece.

Now, that's if our horsesdidn't come in.

If they did, it'sa hell of a lot more.

But I happen to knowthat chatsworth

pays out on Wednesday,and today is Monday.

Of course you'llhelp your friends.

Jews, you sticktogether.

But that's reallynot gonna help me.

I need something now,and I'm sorry,

but the wordof a gambler

relying on the paymentof a second-rate book

to coverthe transfer of debt

from a first-ratedegenerate...

Well, as you can see,

there are fartoo many variables.

I have him now.

He's my collateral.

Ouch!

All right, look.Take my car.

If I don't pay you backby the end of the week,

you can keep it.

But I thought yougot paid Wednesday.

It's a $50,000 car,terrence.

If Joey c. Doesn'tcome up with the money

by Wednesday,

Michael will wantat least 48 hours

to come up with itsomewhere else.

He's not gonna give itup that easily.

He's not stupid.

Do it. Shoot 'em.

You can keep your carfor now, Michael.

I'll fade you myselftill Friday.

If I don't get my moneythen, your car is mine.

If you give meany problems

regarding this matter,

I won't sendanyone else for you.

I'll come myself.

His debt's now yours.

Good likenessof you, ain't it?

Yeah, I'm fine.

No, I-I'm fine,man.

Uh, what'sgoing on?

The next day,we had problems.

There was good newsand there was bad news.

The good news wasbrett and I hit our horses

and we hit 'em big--

close to 16,000 apiece,and that's not counting

the 7,600 we wonon baseball.

The bad news wasjoey c. Had disappeared

and nobody knewwhere he was.

You see, togetherbrett and I hit Joey c.

For almost 50 grand,and when you

play a smaller-sizedbook like this,

you don't reallyhave to worry

about getting your legsbroken if you lose,

but you may have to worry

about getting paidif you win.

Nobody knowswhere he is.

Nobody can find him.

I can't believe Joey'sduckin' us, man.

He doesn't have the money.

Yeah, I know he doesn'thave the money.

Why do I alwaysdo this to myself?

Because you love it.

You wouldn't have itany other way.

What?

You wouldn't be happyunless you were

shouldering the weightof the world

for everybody else.

It's your pathology.

I think you've beenhanging out

with your little actressfriend too long, buddy.

Maybe so, but at leastshe's not a man.

Cory hasn't called?

No. I'm worried about him.

I hope he doesn'tdo anything stupid.

You know, it's goingto take you a while

to live that down.

Probably, uh...20, 30 years.

Believe me, I know.

And I look forwardto talking about it

with you every day.

Oh, you will.We'll make sure of that.

Where's Cory?

He wasn't at work,

he wasn'tat Hollywood park.

He hasn't even been home yet.

I don't wannasay I'm worried,

but...I'm worried.

You don't thinkclyde got him?

No. Clyde's a psycho,but he's not a liar.

He wouldn't go backon his word.

We've got till Friday.

Maybe he gota sex change operation

and he's trying to blendinto society as a woman.

Yeah. Maybe brettcould date him.

Wouldn't bethe first man he dated.

Ha ha. You guysare so hilarious,

you know that?

Anyway, what arewe gonna do?

Well, if worsecomes to worse

and we haven't heardfrom Joey c. By Friday,

I'm not gonna let clydetake your car.

I'll pay him with the moneymy grandparents gave me,

and Cory'll owe me.

Heh. Yeah, you'llsee that never.

He's good for it.

Well, that's just great.That's great.

I cover Cory,you cover me,

your 50 grandis down to 35,

the rest of usare fuckin' broke...

Hey, relax.

You're gonna giveyourself a coronary.

Where the fuckhave you been?

Where the fuckhave you been?

Well,it's a long story.

I don't know where I wouldreally get started--

we've been lookingall over for you.

Oh, for your measly 46k?

Chill. Can'ta brother go to Vegas

without checking in withhis fuckin' degenerates

for one day?

You went to Vegas?

Together?

And you came backwith money.

Lots of money--wellat least I did.

Cory still can'thold onto a cent,

yo, but that'snot his fault.

Motherfucker'svoodoo.

Not for long.

That's right. 'Causeif there's anybody

on the face of theearth that's due,

it's my boyright here.

Yeah, I hateto admit it,

but I gotta agreewith him on this one.

Not only that,I also figured a way

for us to getour sports bar

and hit that son of a bitchclyde once and for all.

Ooh, thisi wanna hear.

Yo, you want meto explain?

Please, vanilla,allow me.

See, it, uh, all startedafter I left last night.

David, you all right?You ok?

No, I'm--I'mfine, man.

Listen, can youdo me a favor? Take--

no, no. Could you do me a favor

and take Jennifer home?

But Cory!

I just wannabe alone now, ok?

I'm sorry, buddy.

And I just drove.

I was like the driving gump.

I drove all over the place.

I don't know where I wasor what I was doing,

till finally I looked upand I saw that I was in...

Vegas?

No, anaheim.

It was then I realized it wasalmost 2:00 in the morning,

so I pulled into a hotelfor last call.

I drank aloneat the end of the bar

and read the newspaper,

trying to get my mind offhow miserable I felt.

But as luck would have it,it was a local paper,

and in anaheimall they talk about

is how to beuptight and white.

So I turnedto the sports section...

And there it was.

The Toronto blue jaysare in town

playing the anaheim angelsthis week,

and Matt Reed has been movedinto the starting rotation.

He's scheduled to make his firstmajor league start,

Friday at 7:30 P.M.

Get the fuckout of here.

Yeah, but how doesthat help us?

Hey. Hey, chief,come here.

See this guyright here?

I know him!I mean, we used to go

to fuckin' schooltogether.

Guy's a good friendof mine.

Oh, yeah?

You should gosay hello, man.

The guy's just sittin'right over there.

And so the bartender points

to the other sideof the bar,

and there...Theresitting by himself

having a drink at 2:00in the morning is Matt Reed.

And that's whenit hits me...

The whole idea,the whole plan,

the way I couldredeem myself

and we could changeour lives forever.

Oh, my God.

Don't tell me.

Yo, a bet for the ages,

fixed by the biggestjinx of all time.

So I called Joey c.

I needed a bookiefor my plan to work--

one I could trust,

and one with balls enoughto pull it off.

Now, consideringthe source,

naturally you canimagine my qualms.

However, the potentialupside to this situation

was significant enoughto warrant my attention.

I thought I wasgonna kill him

for draggin' meall the way down there

like that in the middleof the night

on some bullshit story,

but then the mostamazing thing happened.

Matt Reed.

It's Cory.Remember me?

Hey, Cory.How you doin'?

Ok, man!

He hated me.All those years

of punishment I gave himin high school,

and he didn't forgetone moment of it.

You want a beeror something?

Ah, no.You sure?

You sure?Come on. Hey, Chuck,

will you bringa beer for him?

Yo, yo, he openedhis mouth,

and the most amazingbullshit came out.

First, he saidhe was sorry

for what an assholehe was back in school,

but that it reallywasn't his fault

because he camefrom a broken home.

Then he had told him

he had beena millionaire...

He explained howhis businesses failed...

How his wife left him...

And how he hadbeaten cancer.

And how his sonhad bought it.

They talked for hours.

And when it was allover, he had closed him.

Somehow, Cory convincedmatt that his life

was in Matt's handsand Matt could save it

and turn it all aroundfor him

if he couldonly help determine

the outcome of one game.

One simple gameof baseball.

You're kidding.

Friday nightmatt Reed is gonna

get lit up likea Christmas tree, isn't he?

I didn't say it. You did.

But what abouthis career?

He's gonna looklike shit

throwing grapefruitsdown the middle

of the plateall night.

Chill. It's onlyone start.

And he's a rookie.

It'll be his first timeout of the gate.

A lot of young playersget hammered

their first time out.

Plus, we're gonnatake care of him, too.

Gonna give him a nice,big, fat envelope

and make him a partnerof mvps.

You really didsell him, didn't you?

He always wantedto be one of us.

I can't imagineit was that hard.

Hey, what the fuck?

Hey, you guysare acting like

I'm making him walksanta Monica boulevard,

for chrissakes.

Come on, I'm giving youour dreams

on a silver platter here,

and you guysare acting like

somebody justfuckin' died.

Somebody did.

Hey, Michael.

You lookin'for work?

Yeah.

Oh, don't give mea heart attack.

What'd you do,grow up on me?

Where's michaelwith the smart mouth?

There's a person here.

An actual person.

Hmm, maybei am growing up.

No, that'd betoo much to ask for.

You quit gambling?

I'm thinkin' about it.

Keep thinkin'.

How's that girlof yours?

She's good, she's good.

I'm thinkin'about marrying her.

Well, stop thinkin'.

She's a good girl.

You've beenwith her a long time.

You confuse me.You know that?

I mean,first you tell me

I should keep thinking,

now I shouldstop thinking...

Oh, some people.

They hang around and they think.

And then they sit aroundand they talk.

And then they think and they talk again,

and before they know it they'reold and their life has gone by,

and they have done nothing.

You gotta do, son.

You gotta do.

You see that chryslerover there?

I put an engine in it.

See the Ford?I put a carburetor in it.

And those 2 hunksof metal

are gonna be movingaround this city,

and they are gonnabe moving around

because I made them move.

I did this, I did that.

Nobody can take thataway from me.

You know howyou always said,

"money won is twiceas sweet as money earned"?

Well, that's bullshit.

It's a lie.

You ever spend moneyyou worked your ass off for?

No, you didn't.

It's a good feeling,

'cause it meantsomething to you.

'Cause you earned it.

You know what, dad?

You're absolutely right.

I love you. Thanks.

I gotta go do something.

You--you're alwaysin such a hurry.

Why, what are you,sea biscuit?

You know, I used to havea head of hair like you.

He's a good kid, my kid.

My dad was right.

But Cory was right, too.

He had handed usthe perfect play,

and we couldn't pass it up.

This would be our last shot,our ticket to a life,

and knowing how Matt reedwas gonna

live his Friday nightwas all I needed to know.

Carmine. Joey c.What's up?

Listen. I gota client here,

he's layin'some big numbers,

and I gottacall some off.

You want some?

40 dimes.

We needed Joey becausehe was a small-time book.

That's what I'mtalkin' about, my man.

And when small-time booksget big action,

sometimes they haveto call off a percentage

to a bigger book who hasthe bankroll to cover it.

Yo, lowenstein.What's up? Joey c.

Listen, I gotmy man here.

Wants to set upan account with you.

And then we set updozens of dummy accounts

under fake nameswith every bookie we knew,

and Joey vouched for 'em.

He likes to playbig numbers,

so I figured I'dsend him your way.

What?

Meanwhile,the rest of us

sold everything we had.

Brett liquidated his mutualfunds from his bar mitzvah.

Cory sold his shares.

Ok, haim, whatdo you think?

David sold his watch.

500, tops.

Excuse me?

It's not a fugazi.It's a fuckin' roli.

I don't give a fuckif we go to the same temple--

stop cursing. It's 500.I give you 500.

Get the fuck outof my place. Fuck you.

And I sold my car.

In 2 days we had raisedover $250,000 in cash

and had laid outover $300,000 in action.

But somehow our moodswere light.

You see, we knew therewas no turning back,

so we just decidedto enjoy the moment,

because tomorrowwe would either be rich

and have everythingwe wanted

or this would beour last supper.

Look, all I'msaying is that

after tomorrow,you know,

we've gotta live our livessomewhat differently.

What doyou mean?

Well, guys, you know,up until now

we've been...Prettyirresponsible--

you could say.

With our lives,uh, and, uh--well,

if we really wanna dowhat we say we wanna do,

well, then, we're gonnahave to make some changes.

Yeah. As in, youcan't go gambling

our fuckin' businessaway, Cory.

Yeah.

Yo, he should becut off permanently.

Well, why me,huh?

How come you haveto single me out?

You need to ask?

I mean, I'm the onewho made this

all possiblein the first place.

No, no. You're the onewho got us in trouble

in the first place,you fuckin' degenerate.

But you know what? Itshouldn't just be Cory.

It should be all of us.

It's too fuckin'dangerous.

Yeah, yeah,I-I agree.

Yeah, me, too.

Well, I mean,maybe a--you know,

maybe a lotteryticket

once in a while

I thinkis probably fair...

Not even bingowith old ladies, Cory,

'cause that'show it starts.

That's likea gateway drug, bro.

Yeah.

Well, you know whatyou guys should do?

You should all gambleamongst yourselves.

This way you canregulate it.

Well, how the helldoes that help us?

You're a bookie!

Not with me,you degenerate.

The 4 of youse.You know, after tonight,

no one's gonna be ableto bet with me, anyway.

Yo, I'm gonna bea restaurateur.

Gentlemen, may tonightmark the closing

of a very colorful,very insane,

and sometimes very fun chapter

in our lives,

and mark the beginning

of a new and unexplored one.

Here, here.

Ok, I'll drinkto that.

Cheers!

L'chayim!

Ben gazzara.

And you know what weshould do tonight? Ben--

yeah.

You know whatwe should do?

What?

We shouldenjoy this meal...

We should enjoy the companyof our good friends...

Yes.

And then we shouldgo home

and get a goodnight's sleep.

No partying, nostaying up all night.

Why not?

Yeah!

* guess who I gotin the boat with me *

* courage, drinks,style liftin' me *

* showin' me whyi'm in over my head *

like this.

Spock.

Open your shoulders up,you know. Spock.

Then you bring 'em in.Spock.

So, there's justmore shoulder and less neck,

really,is what you're saying.

Spock.

Spock.

I inventedthe Jewish religion.

Minus 2.

Just try it. Spock,I want your cock.

Spock,I want your cock.

No?

Yeah. Um, I'm callingabout the, uh, massage.

Well, it says right herein the book

that this is a, uh,a massage service.

Oh, for fuck's sake.Oh, oh, oh.

Ok, guys, listen.

Seriously, thisis fuckin' serious.

If we hitthis motherfucker,

west palm beach.

That's my call.

My call is fuckin'west palm beach.

No. Fuck that,man.

When we cash in, buddy,

We are going to play golf.

And the fatherlandof golf is Scotland.

Oh, for fuck's sake,

why would wego to Scotland?

Wait, wait, wait.

Look at the sizeof the melon on you.

That's wherethey invented golf.

Well, could youtake a message

that I need a massage?

What the fuck are we gonnado if we lose, huh?

You gotta relax, pal.

Look,the hard part is over.

All we gotta do nowis sit back and let it happen.

Trust me, it's a lock.

You know, that'sreally fuckin' easy

for you to say, man.

How much of your dickis on the fuckin' table?

What's that supposedto mean?

What is thatsupposed to mean?

It's pretty fuckin'simple, isn't it?

It's always easier to bet

with other people'smoney, isn't it?

You should be familiarwith that phrase.

When was the last timeyou paid your fuckin' tab

in my fuckin' joint,motherfucker?

Hey, hey, look.Wait a second, ok?

Just hold on.

I put my ass on the line just as much as you do.

Oh, really? Really?Yeah.

Nobody fuckin'twisted your arm

to do this, ok?Fuck off.

It's not like you'rebetting your own money.

It's your fuckin'grandparents' money,

so give me a break.

Fuck you.

Well, fuck you.Fuck you.

Fuck you!Fuck you!

Guys, fuckin' relax.

Hello? Uh,I'm calling for candy.

Uh, candy cane.

This is, uh, this is--this is Cory.

I'm--I'm Brett's friend.

Hi, dad, I didn't knowyou were still here.

I wasn't.I couldn't sleep,

so I came backto talk to you.

Did you want meto make you

a drinkor something?

No.

I came here to, uh...

I came here to tell youthat I love you, David.

I know you boysare taking a flyer tomorrow.

How'd you know?

I know everythingthat goes on in my place.

I don't know if iknow for how much exactly,

but I know it's enough.

And, uh...

Well, I realized ihadn't told you that

in a long time.

So I just wanted you to know.

I love you, too, dad.

You sure youknow what you're doing, son?

Nope. Heh.

Don't forget to lock up,all right?

Thanks, dad.

What was all that about?

Was it about my tab?

No.

He's scared.

He knows?

I'm scared, too.

Think we'redoing the right thing?

Uh, yeah. I mean...

I guess so. Uh...

I always drag youinto this shit, don't I?

It's not likeyou have to

twist my armto do it.

You're my bestfriend, bro.

I know you're notgonna do anything

to steer me wrong.

You know, I think itcould be worse.

How's that?

We could be brettand Cory.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey.

I didn't wake anybody up?

No, no.

Kim's overat her boyfriend's.

It's late. Do youwant to come in?

No. I, uh...

I gotta go in a coupleof hours with Joey.

Oh, right. Vegas.

Look, I don't know whatyou're doing...

But whatever it is,I hope it works out for you.

I can't believethey haven't called yet.

Maybe they got robbed.

Will you shut up?

How could theyget robbed?

At bun boy.On the way there.

You know how mikealways wants to stop

at bun boy?

They got rednecksand shit there.

They hate Jews.

Will you relax?

Mike and Joey

can take careof themselves.

Whoa, guys,here we go.

Here we go.

Oh, shit!

Man, I can'twatch this.

I'm gonnashit in my pants!

Come on.

You can't trust a fix,what can you trust?

What? He's gotta make itlook good, right?

You know, Cory,uh, been meaning to ask you.

How did Joey c.Make all that money

when you two were in Vegas?

Ah, it was great.

Joey said since iwas the jinx,

we should goto the crap table

and he shouldbet on the "don't."

You know,against the shooter?

What, all shooters?

No, no. Just me.

And, uh, aw, man,it was beautiful.

Soon as I got the dice,

I crapped out 27 timesin a row. Ha ha ha.

Did youever make a pass?

No, no. Actually,uh, Joey quit,

and I, uh, lost therest of my money,

and, uh, wewent right home.

Why?

Why?

We're on our own.

Yeah, yeah!Yeah! Yes!

Cory, I can't believewe bet this.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Right there, baby!

Ok, ok, ok.

Matt pitchedan almost flawless game,

but the angelsplayed well, too.

The score was 1-0in the bottom on the ninth.

There were 2 outs,and the bases were loaded.

Salmon was up,and it was a full count.

3 balls, 2 strikes,

and mattwent into his wind-up.

Matt Reed,throwing the game of his life.

I'm dead, man.

I haven't had sexwith a woman

in almost 2 years,

and the last personi kissed was a man.

I can't go outlike that.

I didn't evensave enough money

to buy a plane ticketout of town.

What the fuckwas I thinking?

How could webe so stupid?

How could we bet everythingwe didn't have on Cory?

We deserve to die.

I don't understandwhat happened.

He said he would do it.

He gave me his word.

Joey heard.

I'm gonna killthat son of a bitch!

You know, alcohol neversolved anyone's problems.

It just makes youfeel like shit in the morning.

I'm too drunk to run.

Hey,go fuck yourself,

you fuckin'psychopath!

And your littlefuckin' buddy, too.

Do youknow what I hate

more than anythingthe world?

People who don'tkeep their word.

Now, I may bea lot of things,

but at leasti'm consistent.

Everyone alwaysknows where I stand.

And I alwayskeep my word.

I know you're drunk,

so I'll forgivethe language this time.

You probably won't evenremember in the morning,

but it's not niceto take my money

and tell me to fuck offat the same time.

I won't be so understandingin the future.

Michael, you shouldreally teach your friends

some fuckin' manners.

Oh, my God.

I must be fuckin'hallucinating.

Will somebody please tell mewhat the fuck is going on?

3 things, guys.3 things.

First,never bet with Cory,

because he is the biggestfuckin' jinx of all time,

and anything he betsis sure to lose.

My system exactly.

Yo, when isaw voodoo crap out

27 times in a row,

I knew I was dealingwith something

larger than myself.

Second, never beton bad karma like a fix,

especially when dealingwith a born-again Christian

like Matt Reed,because God will jump up

and kick youright in the ass every time.

Matt reedis a born-again Christian?

Yeah, stupid.

It would helpto know these things.

Never, ever,under any circumstances,

do you give a vindictivelittle born-again shit

like Matt Reed the opportunityto get even with you,

especially afterall the shit

you put him throughin high school, Cory.

Yo, homeboy pitchedhis ass off tonight.

Yeah, well,it's a good thing.

'Cause we bet the other way.

We betthe other fuckin' way?

Oh, my God!

You bet the other way?

Oh, my God!

You bet the other way

and you didn'tfuckin' tell me?

Well, yeah.Oh, my God!

Well, we won,and we won big.

With all the moneywe raised in bettin' in Vegas

together with all the moneywe collected from the bookies,

we totaledover 3/4 of a million bucks.

Takethe picture.

The following week,so signed a 9-year lease

and opened our very ownsports bar, mvps.

For once,

we were all actually doingsomething with our lives,

and we livedhappily ever after,

keeping our promise that wewould never gamble again.

What, are you Bob hope'syounger brother no hope?

Come on, let's go.

Silence.

100 buckssays he misses it.

Are you outof your fuckin' mind?

You're betting100 bucks? Whoa!

It's a gimme,for chrissake.

It's sittin' right on the edge of the cup.

But it's Cory.

Yeah, I know it's Cory.But look at that.

It's not a golf shot,

it's a ball sitting on the edgeof a cup, for chrissake.

But this is thejersey jinx here.

Joey? Give ussome odds, baby.

Don't all fuckin'look at me, man,

I'm not takin'no more action.

Bullshit! Come on,give us some fuckin' odds.

On voodoo?

I'll give you 8 to 5.

Oh, I'm all over that.

That's easy money.

All right, let's go.

And may the first thing yourmother sees is my penis.

Cha-ching!

Oh...Jesus!

You all right?

I can't fuckin'believe you did that.

Give me half.

Wait a sec.

I thought you saidyou weren't

gonna take any moreof our bets.

Well,I thought you said you

wasn't gonna make any more bets.

Buddy, please.

Captioning provided bytrimark home video

* all the sweet, sweet times

* the things we did together

* when life was just a bowlof bright red cherries *

* the sweet love, too

* when we wereunderneath the moon *

* and youwere holding on to me *

* like no tomorrow

* you take my hand

* and I'm feelin' grand

* when you tell me that youwanna be my baby *

* oh, baby, baby

* maybe, baby, baby, so

* doo-ba-Dee, ooh

* baby, when you touch me

* and you take me there

* I know that it'stoo much for me *

* but I'm still aware

* that if you love me

* love me

* oh, baby, baby,we can do it *

* do-dah-do-dah-dah

* do-Dee-dah-duh-dowah

* when life was just a bowlof bright red cherries *

* the sweet love, too

* when wewere underneath the moon *

* and you wereholdin' on to me *

* like no tomorrow

* da-dwee-duh-duh

* do-duh-duh-dwee-do-do

* when you tell methat you wanna be my baby *

* oh, baby, baby

* maybe, baby, baby, so

* dwee-duh-duh-ah-ooh

* baby, when youtouch me *

* and you take me there

* I know that it'stoo much for me *

* but I'm still aware

* that if you love me

* love me

* baby, baby we can do it

* do-duh-duh-doo

* baby, when you touch me

* and you take me there

* I know that it'stoo much for me *

* but I'm still aware

* that if you love me

* love me

* baby, baby we can do it

* do it, do it