Zerophilia (2005) - full transcript

Hey!

Are you okay?

My God, are you allright?

Yeah.

How did you even get here?

There's no road, there's
barely even a trail.

I don't know.
I'm from England.

Oh, it's...
it's okay.

Are you alone out here?

Yeah.

You want coming to my camper?



Little warm apple kringel.

Ah...

What is it?

How did I know? How did I
know that you'll be so incredible?

Ah! It is no idea!

Hey... Hey Keenan!
Come here, man.

Keenan, come here.
Quick.

What?

Come here!

What?

Look at my chest.

Yeah...

Oh, I had hair, man.

Okay, not a lot of hair.



But, I mean, you've seen me some, right?

What?

I see that look.
What?

What is it with you, man!? You're smarter
than me, you're better-lookin' than me.

I'm not...

I know.

I'm just saying, you can
get ev'ry girl you want.

Easy for you to say, you've got Janine.

So what do you think?

You're joking, right?

It's remarkable, a very retro.
I thought you were gettin' a pick-up?

Yeah, I changed my mind.

Okay, okay...

My dad loves this all things.

'Cause you wanted to buy one
fixed it up.

I think it's great.

Yeah, it's awesome, it's diesel.

Fuck you, you think it's stupid.

What?

What?

Oh, my God.
Did you get laid?

Finally!

I didn't say a word,
I swear to God.

I knew it.
Who is she?

Camping.
Total stranger.

Congratulations.

I wanted hear all about it,
but I gotta get to Physics.

The truck is great.

See ya', hottie.

Could you find anything else to call me
other than every guy in the world would say?

Sweetheart...

Baby...

Thing very melange.

You call me honey.

Okay, see ya' tonight.

So, this is gonna be, like, your car?

Yeah.

First off...

that woman...

we didn't go all the way, you know?

Yeah, okay. So?

So, technically...
think I'm still virgin?

Were you inside her?

Yeah.

It counts.
Next?

What?

Well...

I sort of been having
this dream...

You know, forget it.
I'm not telling you.

What!?

Come on, man, you know enough
of my secrets to get me shot.

Sharon's mom on
Thanksgiving?...

What the fuck dream
is there you can't tell me?

Oh...

It's about part of
me gettin' smaller.

The important part.

The thing is...

I think the dream is real.

Oh, give me a fuckin' break, man.
You're not thirteen!

Screw you, maybe I
caught something.

It's pratically the first time in about five
years you haven't had an hard on.

I think it's good you
bought this truck.

You're too "stoned" to drive.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, I got it.
I got it.

I can do the gasket
for twenty bucks..

But new T-sprocks,
for this thing...

I'm looking at two, maybe three hundred?

Uh, shit...

You think that I hold off on that?

No skin off my ass...

But a few days...
weeks...

blow your whole
transmission.

Ah, Jeez...
I don't know, I...

Probably shouldn't got this thing, uh?

No, it's cool.

475 horsepower...

25 inch wheels...

Chrome grill.

You did good.

Let me check in the back.

See if we got a used set.

Oh, ***
Thanks, man.

Shit!

Yeah...

Yeah, 6 bucks.

Gasket.

It's not my wrench.

It's my truck.

What's wrong with it?

Oh, you have to know just needs a new gasket...

...and a couple T-sprocks...

...the flanges are sheared off.
You know, it's no a big deal.

You gotta becareful
with my brother, Max.

He's sellin' you "T-sprocks?"

Yeah.

There's no such thing.

Last week he sold a whole
set to Mrs. Gustafson:

six hundred bucks.

Oh...

My name's Michelle, by the way.

Yeah.
From New York, right?

Poli-Sci transfer.

I sort of asked around campus.

You did?

Yeah, you've prob'ly already
got a stalker, huh?

No.

Hey, you ever heard of a Cafe Lunizia?

The Italian?

They got New York
style pizza...

Make you feel at home.

You askin' me out?

Yeah.

Definitely.

Hey, Spanky, let's go! Look
forward to kickin' your puck ass.

It's...
it's my ride.

Your name's "Spanky?"

No, Puck Ass...

No, people just call
me Luke.

We're beatin' his frat
boy team in ass hockey.

You know, pisses 'em off.

Look, I'll talk to Max...
to just replace the gasket, okay?

Thanks.

Wait...
So, uh,...

what do you think?

I'll just sit there
I won't to talk.

Yeah, look, uhm...

I just split up with this
total amoeba, so...

Oh, but I'm a paramecium...

You know,
that's way more evolved.

Maybe I'll give you a call
when your truck's ready.

Great.

You mean to go out, right?

Yeah.

Wow!

That was her!

Yeah. I know.

Jesus, man, you're
sweatin' like crazy.

I'm such a moron.

No, you're not.

No, yeah, I am.

I have incontrovertible proof.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

You know, I wish just about my leg on a table,
too, I'm so glad that you did the first.

It's a hawk.

See, you're smirking!

No, it's just...

And it's green.

Ok? That's the one color
tattoo they can't remove!

Oh, really?

Bummer...

It's okay. I'm considering
a prosthetic foot.

I caught him with my best friend.

Former.

Such a clich?.

I'm sorry.

Winthrop Hawkins.

"Hawk".

Like...

...from
this Park Avenue family.

He'd know what kind of mushrooms
those are, what the best wine is.

The best wine is beer.

What's the matter?

Oh...Nothing.

Maybe just...little hot
out here.

I don't know.

You want moron?

I got a story.

When my dad died...

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay.
I was nine, so...

I barely knew what was goin' on.

But I do remember that...

...the grave still
really really sad, you know.

So I painted all kind of fish
and smiley faces all over it.

That's sweet.

Yeah. I'm sure my dad
would've loved that.

You're great, you know?

Would you excuse me, just one second? Please.

Thank you.

What's going on, man? You're
pick for "Golden globe" this weekend?

Everyone should just mind
their own fucking business!

Didn't go so great, huh?

Oh, I don't know, Keenan.

It was goin' great, man.

She's amazing. She's...

She's so smart.

Funny.

When she's travelling
on her spoon...like "ah".

Cool.

But...

Then I started gettin' that...

I gotta weird feeling again.

I think I know what's going on, okay?

"Acute adolescent anxiety".

It's from the stress of college,
girls, grades. It's really common.

I'm not adolescent, okay?

Where'd you
get this crap?

The net.

Oh, the net?

Yes, the net.
Just hear me out, okay?

I gotta all the symptoms like right off the bad:
panic attacks, localized alopecia, which is...

...that means...hair loss.

I wrote this doctor.

He wrote me back saying: "Is there any chance
that your friend Luke just lost his virginity?"

You gave him my name?

Look, he's from back East.

He's sending an information package
for you, man, I think you should read it.

I mean, Jesus, well, you got me thinking
like you're going bipolar on me or something.

Come on, Luke!

What am I suppose to think?

I came to apologize.

I had this pasta the other night...

"pasta quattro funghi", full mushrooms.

Anyway, it took me a
long time to realize...

...but I think somebody
put shrooms in it, all right?

Or somehow they got in there.

I was so hallucinating
and everything..

You know what amazes even me?

A guy's capacity to
be a world-class asshole.

Fortunately, I'm familiar
with the cause.

Will you just please
tell her I came by?

No, forget it. I'll catch up
with her on my own.

No. You won't.

Look...

I'm gonna see your sister if she'll see me.

I don't care the fuck
what you say about it.

Oh, really?

Yeah, really.

You go anywhere near her, I'll feed your
nuts to the neighbor's dog!

Oh, yeah?

What kind a' dog is it?

Huh?

I mean, is it a pitbull, or what?

I'm crazy about her.

Shrooms, huh?

I'll tell her you came by.

Had a sudden intense midnight
craving for a cherry popsicle.

Oh, okay.

You can find it in that freezer.

What a relief.

I'm Sydney. You?

Luke.

Hey, Luke.

Workin' late, huh?

Yeah.

Four AM.

It sucks.

Get out of here, when going to say that.

Say what?

Why you gotta say: "It sucks",
like it was a bad thing?

It's just a path peeve,
I mean...

every guy's just dying to get a
blow job, right? So...

you think they'd treat those words with
profound respect, like holy scripture.

For example...

"Unbelievable sunset, honey:
doesn't it just suck?", or

"You won an Olympic Gold
Medal, that blows!".

You got sure right, yeah.

Wow...

It must be great at your age, mhm?

That river of testosterone just coursing through
your veins, the damn about to burst!

Hey.

What do you say...

...lock up the store and
try for our own Olympic Gold?

Uh...

No, thanks.

Jeez, lady.

Uh, I hate my hair.

I want to change the color,
what do you think?

Looks fine to me.

Your hair is such an incredible color.

It's blond.

I love it.

Hey, you think that I can just...

snip off a little piece?

Match the color?
It really..."sucks".

Oh, okay, now you're
just messing with me.

No, I'm not.

I really like it.

You should get rid
a' that thing, anyway.

I have clippers in my bag.

What thing?

Cowlick. Right here. See?

Aw..

What?

What are you doing?

What...you don't like
being touched?

No.

What's the matter?

Look, I'm sorry, but
you're just bizarre.

Maybe...

one thing I learned long ago,

you can't change your true nature,

even if it can change you.

Oh, great.

Gracias.

Man, a lady's eyeing you.

Oh, holy shit. It's that
lady from the store!

I think she's comin' over.

Hey, guys...

I'll buy you a drink?

Actually, we're here with
dates already. Thanks.

You are?

Who?

They're around.

Luke, if you like this girl,
we got to talk.

What?

Anything happens since we spoke last.

Hot flashes? Pressure
in your chest?

Who are you?

Dr. Sydney Catchadourian.

Keenan, right?

Yeah.

You know him?

We exchanged E-mail.

Oh, you're the doctor?

From Savannah?

I came right away.

Why?

Your friend here...

...has an extra chromosome.

You're like some whack job, lady.
Stay away from here. Jeez!

I tested your hair.

Someone put mushrooms
in my mushroom sauce.

My advice...

...you got to keep him away from that girl.

He's a rock.

Can?

So, yeah.

You can trust him.

I hoped it was the same for Keenan.
I'm not used to rocks,

I'm used to pebbles.

Oh, please, grains of sand.

Hello, ****

Thanks.

So everything's allright?

Yeah. Fine.. just a...beer.

You're right, man. The lady is nuts.

Let's play some pool?

You'd be checking at them all night...

You got a thing for him, or what?

Actually...

I'm hoping he's got one for me.

Your friends sorta'
like each other, uh?

Yep...Yeah.

They're like super-glue.

Thirty seconds together,
you can't pull 'em apart.

How'd they meet?

Keenan sold her a bike.

I don't think they've been apart
more than three hours since.

You know...

I never thought in a million
years you'd go out with me,

let alone twice.

Oh, man, you're not supposed to say that.

That's a total pathetic,
loser thing to say.

But that's okay. I'm gonna' take
it as a huge compliment.

Good.

Okay.

Two word answers only...

Why'd you ask me
out in the first place?

Okay, okay...

Beautiful.

Unpretentious. Very important.

Now, why'd
you say 'yes'?

Uhm..gentle,
sensitive...

Oh, sorry, okay...
Hot...Deep.

Is that better?

Yes. Hot, deep...
It's better.

Okay.

I got two words for you.

What're you most
passionate about?

Friendship.

And trust.

Those are good ones.

Yeah?

Yeah.

What about you?

Hockey.

Hockey.
Yeah.

So much for "deep".

You.

That girl is with...
You think he's serious about her?

I'd give my left one to be with that girl.

Girls go first.

Okay, I'm gonna break this one wide open.

Right.

God!
Sorry!

What?

Oh, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Man, I'd be on the floor cryin'
like a baby.

Yeah, right.

Would you excuse me a sec'?

Jesus, seems like precision got it missed.

Are you okay?

It's bad?

It's really bad?

I'll get some ice.

No! Wait!

What?

Keenan!

What?

Keenan!

What?

Look!

Oh my God!

Oh, MY GOD!

Oh, my God!

What did I tell you?

I told you to keep him away from that girl.

Close the door.

You stay away from me, crazy bitch!

Luke, I'm gonna help you.

We're gonna get it back.

Now focus. Do you listen to me?

Good.
Drink this.

You don't want to give it back?

What is it?

Valium, Flexeril...
And a shitload of Darvon.

You gotta' calm down.

Calm down?

What the hell is wrong with him?

He's a zerophiliac.

A what?

He's the best stop,
I'm gettin' a doctor!

Oh, it's your lucky day,
I am a doctor!

You breathe one word of this,

...anyone else sees him like this
and a medical turns...

he's fucked.

God, get out!?

Pictures all over the net,
tabloids, television!

Television?!

No! We're gonna' get it back!

You let me help him, he gets a
normal body, lives a normal life.

I mean, you his friend or not?

Wait a minute,
is it contagious?

There are no recorded incidents

Recorded incidents?

Oh, please God!
What did I do wrong?

Recorded incidents?

Oh my God,
I used his deodorant!

Oh, will you calm down?

Calm down?

Calm down?

Finally.

He's alright. He didn't go all
the way.

When you fall asleep or pass out,
a Z almost always reverts back.

It's called a Nocturnal
Remission.

Oh, relax, it's not contagious.

How many cases are there?

In the world?

A hundred.
A thousand.

There's no way to know.

It doesn't show up in
any normal DNA test.

It's triggered when you
first have sex.

The woman in the RV!

From England.

Aha...

Now, you're Morphescent
whenever you're aroused.

Wait...You tellin' me this is gonna happen
every time he gets the hots for a girl?

Man, this could be a problem.

I mean, is there a cure, or...?

It's not a disease!

But...there are
steps you can take.

What are the steps?

Before anything...

you have to try
going all the way.

Turn all the way into a female.

Ouch! You out of your mind?

Maybe we should get a second opinion.

Yeah, yeah, maybe we should!
'Cause you can forget that!

Guys, I warn you, they've never
seen anything like this before.

First they'll try to pumpin' full
of antipsychotic medications,

try surgery,

electroshock therapy...

God knows what else.

Okay, so look, say he does
try goin' all the way...

I'm just asking...

It ain't gonna' happen!

Oh, for Christ sake!
I'm trying to help you.

That Z chromosome's
not latent anymore!

Look, if effects are
very differently...

you don't get
control a' that thing,

you don't know when
it's going to kick in,

what it's gonna' do it to you!

You want to end up with three left breasts,
behemoth hips and one testicle?

How would he even do that?
I mean, go all the way?

He's a Z.

You can go all the way,
when you have an orgasm.

Okay, uhm...
With who?

Let me check my calendar.

Well, you're not my type either.

Truth is, at this stage,
you don't really need anybody else.

So...how do I do it?

Luke...

It's a lot to absorb, I know.

You're going not to tell
anybody about this.

Not even Janine, man.
I'm serious.

I swear to God.
I don't say a word.

I'm not doin' it.

I don't give a shit what she says!
I can control this.

How?

Well...

I didn't know what was goin' on before.

Now I do, so, it's not
gonna' be a problem.

I just need
to stay focused!

Good shot!

So you mean to tell me, you can try
keep yourself from getting turned on?

Yeah.

Come on, Luke, you get turned on
by two scoops of ice creams.

No, I'm just sayin'. You think Larissa,
the horse-faced girl's got her good points.

Hey!

Hope we'd find you here.

Hey.

We just wanted to know
if you're alright after...

last night.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm good.

Good.

Good.

I had a really good time last night.

Yeah...
me too.

Will you excuse me for just one second?

What is goin' on?

Nothing.

We got a big game tomorrow.

Sometimes guys just need to hang with the
guys, you know? No distractions?

What the hell are you talking about?

Come on, Michelle, let the
boys play with their pucks.

You told her?

Dude, I had to.

You know Janine.

I've read about this. But it's go real,

it's so cool!

It's just disgusting!

How can you say that?

I'm seriously, Keen, wouldn't you love
to see what is inside a girl's body?

Uf, don't even go there!

Okay, fine.
You're guys.

But still...

isn't it every guy's fancy to have a pair
of boobs to play with anytime he wants?

Not my own!

God, man, how could you tell her?

She should be here.
Come on, man, it's just weird,

two guys hangin' out,
one turnin' into a girl...

I can't wait. I mean, it's not something
you get to see every day.

No!
Forget it!

Forget it, man.

What, he gets to, and I don't!

No one gets to!

Should we put on some
soft music, or something?

Do you want a magazine in there, buddy?

Shut up!

Anything?

No.

Hey, you wanna a beer in there?

No!

If I had a chance to be a
guy for a day, I'd jump at it.

Wouldn't you?

I AM a guy.

It's like instinct evolution.

I'm feeling it...

Yeah.

Oh God!

Hey Luke, are you alright?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Dude...

Wow.

Dude.

Oh God, look at me?

What?

What?

I just wanna get one
thing straight, man...

There isn't no way I'm
sleeping with you.

- Man, even as a joke...
- That's just sick!

...maybe I will.

What? I thought you like the idea of
you're looking into watchin' two girls?

This is weird. This is
freaking me out.

Yeah. Maybe we should
call Dr. Catchadourian.

What for? I did it. Now,
I can switch back.

Get outta' here.

Already?

Yes.

Okay, yeah.

Would you stop starin'?

Janine.

It's like I can't get in
the right mood or something.

Welcome to my world.

Honey, in this
situation no one could.

You gotta' help. I need
to change right now!

You can't rush these things.

Yeah, you know. Some girls go half
their lives without even have one.

Okay, Studly, what do you suggest?

She likes it when I tell her stuff.

Like what?

Like: "You're so beautiful,"
"I love your smile,"

And..."The English Patient
was my favorite movie too".

What?

Hey.

Have a trouble, uh?

Yeah.

Well, maybe you should just to know.

Hang out for a while,
try later something.

No.

I gotta change right this minute.

Why?

I just do.

What're they like?

I don't know.

The same, I guess.

But it's not me.

I gotta change right now.

Well,

Janine has an idea that might help, but...

What is it?

She had to go pick it up.

She'd be right back, though, so...

Who's that?

I ordered more pizza,
figured you'll want some, you know after...

it.

Can I help you?

Actually I was lookin' for Luke.

Hey, man.

Hey, Keenan.

Luke's not here right now.

Thank God. I'm starving!

How ya' doin'?

I'm Max.

You live here too?

She's just visiting.

She's Luke's cousin.

Luca.

Luca?

Luca?

Luca, I always thought
that was a guy's name.

Italian or something?

Yeah, I'm part Italian.

Cool. Me too.

"Vorrei mostrare la torre pendente di Pisa."

What is that mean?

How long you in town for?

Just a few weeks.

Weeks?

Days.

No, I'm leaving today! Now!

Just leave that.
Is there anything you want me to tell Luke?

Actually I'm...
I'm way into hockey.

I was hopin' Luke could
show me the ropes.

See if is as good as he says he is.

Yeah, he's alright.

You play?

Yeah.

And you're good?

Yeah.

She's gotta' pack. You got to go.

Now.

Really nice meeting you.

Really.

What's the matter?

What is it,
what's the matter?

I got to change back. Right now!

Hey, what's the big deal?

Get out of here!

Just get out!

Okay.

What's going on?

Does he needs any help in there, or something?

Not from you.

I'm just sayin', he's not that
experienced with girls.

Oh, and you are?

I'm startin' to wonder if you are.

I'm not gonna' feed your fantasies.

Luca.

Would you stop calling me that?

Listen...

You gotta' just think about
whatever turns you on.

No matter
what it is.

Do you mind?

Touchy.

All right, all right, all right...

Okay.

I have an idea.

Pretend that you're thrown
against the bed on your back,

Your hands and your feet,
are tight to bedpost

You can't move anything,
not even an inch!

And then, suddenly,

you feel two, firm hands

on your thighs.

They're moving...

they're working away slowly...

firmly..

making their way up to your breasts.

Ah, baby!

Keenan!

Every time I look at you, I
get the shivers!

Oh, my God!

I want to take your fucked clothes off,

and throw you down...

I just want to envelop every inch of you.

Oh Keenan...

that beautiful curve along
your side.

I should to pin your arms
above your head,

and make mad, passionate...Love you!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

You're a screamer!

What are we doing here?

I didn't want anybody to see.

So I do what you said.

Oh, yeah?

And was it?

It was weird.

It was awful.

It was difficult making the switch?

It was difficult gettin' back.

Swear, you need an owner's manual for that thing.

Yeah, well. A lot of guys
could use one of those.

So, what do I do, now?

Do I take some pills
or something?

Not exactly.

Okay.

This is gonna sound weird, but...

...I need to know if you're attractive to me.

What? No.

Not at all? Not even a little bit?
Are you gay?

No, Jeez...

Okay, calm down.

I'm just not attracted to you like that.

I got the message.

Listen to me.

Right now,

you can change either way anytime you want.

It's a very special and
critical time for a "Z",

something you'll only could
experience once in your life.

Good.

You have to use this incredible
opportunity you've been given,

to figure out what you've supposed to be.

What...what is that mean?

You got to choose.

I don't want to choose.
I wanna be a guy.

Yeah, well the thing is sometimes your
desires can conflict with our desires.

I did what you said, now
tell me how to make it stop!

If the truth is you wanna stay
a guy, then great, but if not...

Hey, don't even say that!

Well, obviously some part
of you feels differently.

You couldn't change
if you didn't want to.

That is...crap!
That is crazy!

Yeah?

That's the thing about the truth.

It'll set you free,

but first it can really piss you off.

This is nuts!
I'm supposed to be a guy!

So what's the problem?
You are one.

Well, you're not gonna help?

Yes, as soon as you're
ready to try again.

No, no way!

Wow!

Wow...
Yeah!

Go Luke!

Well, ain't we a basket
of biscuits, boys?

Yeah, Luke, what
got into you today?

The Force.

Hey. Good game.

Yeah.

I stopped by your house the other day. I was
wondering if you could show me few pointers.

Me?

Yeah. You're awesome out there.

And according to my sister,
you walk on water.

I don't know, man.

You see, the truth is, I uh...

I met your cousin the
other day. Luca.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You both have
practically the same name.

We were both named
after our Uncle Locasto.

Well, she's cool.

Actually, she's hot.

Maybe you could
hook up.

No. Not a chance.

Has she a boyfriend?

No, man.
She's my cousin, okay?

Yeah, and Michelle's my sister. But you
tell me you wouldn't like to do her?

Fuck you, man!

What is your deal?

What is going on?

Guys...

Hey, hey, hey...

Keep the fuck away from me!
And my sister!

You can fuck off!

Hey, it's cool, it's cool...

Luke's datin' his sister.

Fuck you guys!

This shirt? I've had it for years.

Well, it's very sexy.
I love men's clothes.

Really?

What else have you
got in your closet?

Hey...

Hey! Keen rides behind me.

Cool.

So, what is all about?

Did you see that?
He's a hottie.

He is a brought damn.

Yeah, but...
I don't think he's your type.

Uh,...we'll see about that.

No, I mean I think he's secretly
attracted to the guys.

I'm counting on it.

Okay guys.
We have to talk.

Is Luke alright?

I don't know what's up with him.

He's gonna be really confused about something.

The only thing I
can think of...

Hey, thanks buddy.

Thanks.

When Luke became Luca,

was he attracted to one of you?

No. Not me.

Well, he sure as hell
wasn't attracted to me.

Yeah. Definitely not.

May I have sugar?

Wasn't it just the two of you?

Yeah.

No...exactly...

Oh, give me a break! Max?

No way!

They just had a huge fight.
He tried to beat the crap out of him!

Oh, Christ!

Luke's not queer! He was just...

He was just turnin' into a girl!

Exactly.

He turnin' into a girl!

Incorrect assessment.

Would you rather she
was attracted to me?

Would you?

Maybe I would!

Oh, I just beg you...

Whoa! He regrets, saddle down!

Luke needs your help.

So, what's all this mean?

Maybe Luca

really likes this boy,

enough to wanna be female.

Don't sneer!

Oh, come on!

I know the guy.
We've done all kinds a' shit together.

Hoops, hockey...

No, girls can't play sports!

Oh, whatever! Christ, Janine!

Why the hell would he
wanna be a girl for, anyway?

God, God...
forbid!

Yeah, yeah. It's a little bit
hard for me to believe.

Oh, listen to me.

I know what I'm talking about.
I'm the expert, remember?

Look at this.

Who's he? An Ex?

Ex me.

You're one too?

You're a Z?

You're a guy?

Was.

I screwed up.

When you finally...

... figure out who you are,

it's a horrible thing
not being yourself.

That's why it's
crucial we help Luke.

Hey, you musta' worked out.

What is your batch?

So, you're one too?

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't wanna to confuse the issue.

I wouldn't change
unless I wanted to?

Maybe some part of you.

You think I don't really
wanna be a man?

I think for some

...making it stop is more important
than knowing who you are.

It was for me.

Maybe for me, too.

The key is to have sex with another "Z".

When two "Z" do it, you become
Adulmorphic and your gender locks.

Another "Z"?

Et voil?!

That's why I came all the way out here.

And why you keep tryin' to get me
in the sack?

I wanna just save you some distress, but...

you're not attracted to me...

and for it to work,
both of us have to be into it.

That won't be a problem.

Really?

Let's go naked.

Right now?

There's no time like the present.

I...

Okay...
Tomorrow night.

Hey Luke!

Hey.

How is goin'?

What's this all about?

It's just a little something we
thought you might want.

What is it?

Open it up.

What's up, Keenan?

What's goin' on, man?

Okay.

What the hell is this for?

Ha, I told her.
I told ya'. What a stupid ass idea!

Keen! Stop.

Listen...

We just want you to know,
that whatever you decide,...

it's okay with us.

Decide?

Wow... what are you talking about?
No, it's not okay!

Get fuck that away from me!

Sorry, man. Think she wishes
everyone was female.

Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

What do you think you mean, Janine?
Christ, it means he doesn't want to be girl!

Like he'd have to think about that!

There millions of us
enjoy being female!

Well, that's bully for you!

No, I want to know!
What exactly is wrong with being a girl?

Nothing is wrong with being
a girl, okay? It's great.

It's fuckin' phenomenal,
if you happen to be one!

Maybe we should talk
like the other day?

That wasn't my choice, Janine!

I sure as hell didn't make you do it!

Oh, God, Janine, will you
just let us talk for a sec'?

What? Is this some kind of a guy thing?

Give me a fuckin' break!

Man, what was that?

Sorry, man. She made me do it.

Hey...

you do like bein'
a guy then, right?

Asshole!

Fair enough.

Hey, you should thank me, brother.
The one she picked out was pink!

Hi.

Hey.

How you doin'?

I'm okay.

You?

I'm good.

You look nice.

Thanks.

I was hopin' you'd call.

Yeah...
I was going to.

Look, there's something I
need to talk to you about.

Did I do something wrong?

No, you didn't nothing.

It's more..just...

I have some stuff I've got to
sort out by myself.

Like what?

So, heard you and
Max really got into it?

Yeah.

I kind a' lost it.

He knows how to push buttons, huh?

I don't...
I don't know.

I mean, I was after a
game. I was all revved up.

He's actually a really nice guy.

I'm not sure he's too crazy
about me seein' his sister.

Did he scare you off?

No, he didn't "scare" me off.

What, his struttin' around,
thinkin' he's so bad ass,

with his shirt hangin' open half the time?

Luke, it's just an act.

He likes pretending he's Joe Cool. You know,
you always says you gotta' be whatever you want,

and fuck 'em if they
can't take a joke.

Well, he's a joke alright.

Look, I'm not sure this is gonna' work out.

No, wait Michelle...

What?

I can't do this.

I'm not sure you even know who you are.
Much less who I am.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, if you think my brother's such a "joke,"
how much better could you think of me?

We're not that
different, you know?

Of course you are, he's a guy.

And he's my best friend.

If you don't like him,
you can't like me.

You know, I always thought your dying was
the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I mean, that happen to you,
more than it did to me.

I mean, a lot more, really.

Her name is Michelle.

And I really like her, dad.

Look...

every day I wish you were around...

But, if I tell you this...you just...

...stay dead, okay?

And I'm gonna beat this thing.

Okay?
No matter what it takes.

Before I tell you, I just let you know that.

Okay?

I think I might be a Zerophiliac...

Wow...

You're about the last person
I expected to see here.

Not bad.

I thought you were heading out of the town?

I decided to stay for a while.

Cool.

Where did you learn speak Italian?

Just touristic stuff.

"How much for the spaghetti bolognesi".
"How much for a room?"

Have you been?

Little Italy. In New York.

Someday, though.

Want to go with me?

Look...

this was a mistake.

Yeah. Of course, I know.

Oh, Jesus...

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here.

No, please.

Please, don't.. don't tell me...
that you're "just visiting".

That you "need to leave".

I'm the one who needs to leave.

What the fuck is goin' on, man?

You do wanna' be a girl?
You're into guys now?

No.

I just have to be sure, Keenan.

You know, I am now.

What about Michelle?

It's sort of a Catch-22, you know?

I make out with a girl,
I start turning into one.

You gotta' admit,
it's a little weird.

Hey. Let's get outta' here.

Can I give you a ride somewhere?

Janine's?

No, why don't you go see her?

Think you're more her type.

I'll see ya' round.

"See me around"?

Yeah.

Look, I'm gonna' find my own place, okay?

This is gettin' too fuckin'
weird for me.

I'm goin' to Dr. Catchadourian's
tonight.

To make this stop, Keenan.

I got to admit...

I'm relief that you made your decision.

I don't think I couldn't live with myself, if...

...we'd just gone ahead
without you being certain.

To womanhood!

To manhood!

So,...how do we do this?

We just do it...

And your gender locks and you can
just change everytime you want.

Do you like my dress?

Yeah.
Yeah, sure.

Looks great on you.

Oh man, dresses...

Even without everything else...

...dresses are reason enough
right there to stay a guy.

What's that for?

You never did it
with a Z before.

Believe me, you need
to be tied down.

Does it hurt?

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

When two Z's do it, the lateral

hypothalamus gets completely
overwhelmed,...

Oh, man...

What's happening?

No! No!

Noooooo!!!

Now, you look me in the eye and tell me
that wasn't the best sex you ever had.

You're Adulmorphic now.

The only way to switch is
to do it with another Z.

Oh, for Christ sake. Being a woman
doesn't make you any less of a man!

Shit.

Where is she?

Whoa. I guess I really didn't
think you were gonna' go this way.

Okay. Whatever.

Hang on a sec'...

Look, I need to tell you something.

Janine and I split up.

Yeah.

All I ever did was piss her off.

I'm not sure she even wants a guy.

I gotta' get her back, man.

Luca, I'm very sorry
about earlier,

what I said.

Oh, it's like...

the whole world's blown apart, you know?

Man, you havin'
tits now is just weird.

Jeremy...

Yeah.

Are you wanna break?

Yeah.

You have the coolest shirts.

I know you?

Not entirely.

Sidney.

Brought you a beer.

Janine said he's definitely there.

Did she mention me?

God, I'm so glad you
want to be a guy.

You are absolutely sure, right?

I mean, it is totally
cool either way.

I just don't want you to
think I'm zerophobic, or somethin'.

What do you think?

I mean, if I weren't a hundred percent
sure which I'm supposed to be.

If you had to say.

All I know is, every time you look
at Michelle, or think about her, you smile.

What the hell else do
you need to know?

It's not right. She should
be with a normal guy.

Oh, what, you don't get
to be with anyone?

That why they call it "zerophilia"?

She's not gonna' want some guy who thinks
maybe he's supposed to be a girl sometimes.

How do you know? Did you ask her?

No way I'm gonna' ask her that.

Well, you have to.

Where are your
nads, man?

We'll get 'em back.

Over here!

Son of a bitch!

We're doin' it, right now!

I can't. I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry"? Fuck you!
Fuck me! Now!

It won't work.

We're goin', right here.

But I'm gay!

So what?

So we both need to be into it,
or nothing happens.

Such bullshit.

That's why I became a
woman in the first place.

I couldn't handle it. Figured if I was
female, it was okay to like guys.

So you're tellin' me, 'cause
you're straight as a girl

and I'm straight as a guy, we
can screw and switch, but...

'cause you're straight as a girl,
and I'm gay as a guy,

even if we do it...

...I'm just screwed?

Jeez. I need trigonometry to
figure this thing out.

Maybe
you're 'bi'.

Trust me,
girls do nothing for me. Zilch!

You, on the other hand...

Dude, no.

What am I gonna' do?

Maybe he's lying.
I say, screw him anyway!

Fine.

Fine.

Fine!

Waste of time.

Michelle.

Oh, man.

It's not what you think.

What does she think?

You're an asshole!

Keenan, I just want you to know...

Jeremy, please, I so profoundly
don't care if you're queer.

Trust me, around
here, that's nothin'!

I don't believe this.
You slept with that guy?

It's not what you think.

Oh, please! What about Max?

What about him?

Don't you care about him at all?

Not like that: I'm straight!
I'm attracted to you!

Oh, who cares, you idiot!

No. This'll sound crazy, but I'm
not who you think I am.

Oh, Christ, Luke,...Luca:
I know who you are!

You know I'm a Zerophiliac?

Yes! So you can just go fuck
yourself. Literally!

Does Max know who I am?

So what if he does?

Do you?

He's a guy!

And you're a girl!

No, I'm not!

I'm not supposed to be!

There's no supposed to be
anything, you just are!

Is that what you think? No!

I can't believe you
slept with him!

He was a woman! I was tricked.
I didn't know that I'd switch.

You're gonna tell me he's a Z too?

Yes!

Well, that's just perfect.

What, is there something in
the water around here?

She told me it would make it stop.

So what? Why's that
so important to you?

There's no way this
was ever gonna work out.

Because I'm a Zerophiliac.

Because you can't stand
being one! Bye, Luca.

Luke.

Michelle!

What?

Look... I know it's a lot to figure out,
but it's nothing to do with it.

Sleeping with that guy...

I promised myself I would never
be in this situation again. Swear it.

But Luke is different.

We all are.
Bye Janine.

What's it like?
To really make love?

The best part's
lyin' there afterwards.

Really close,

really far.

Like goin' to the moon, maybe.

Yeah... They should open
a pizza joint up there.

What am I gonna' do?

Maybe, uh...maybe being a
woman'll work out okay.

Like being an elevated
member of the male species.

Elevated "member"?

Jesus, Janine. I'm just saying...
maybe he'll learn to like it.

And it's so hard to conceive!

Shut up! What, you
want a written guarantee?

You're so damn lucky!
You're into him, he's into you.

Super-glue!

What the hell else do you need to know?

I think you're the female half of me.

And you're the macho half of me.

And I don't know what
half of who the hell I am.

So what are you gonna' do?

I don't know.

I prefer being a
guy, but I'm a girl.

I'm attracted to Max,
but I'm in love with Michelle.

It's like I'm supposed to be both.

Not too practical. But,
at least, now I know.

Hey!

Hey.

I know she doesn't want to
speak to me right now. But, I'm...

do you know where I can find her?

New York. Left two days ago.

Oh, man.

Are you staying here?

Probably just 'til Friday.

I wanted to...

...apologize to her.

Uhm... I don't know.
Forget it.

Obviously, nothing's gonna'
ever be with me and her,

but I just...

...I want her to know, how much I...

and that I wasn't cheating on her,
that I was just trying to be a man for her.

She'd have a field day
with that one, huh?

True.

Anyway, if you see her will you
tell her that I'm sorry and that...

I wish her the best,

...everything.

Thanks.

I'm sorry. To you too.

For what?

Mixed signals, I guess.

Ow! Son-of-a-bitch!

Are you alright?

I'm stepped on a nail.

So, how you're doing about it?

You definitely had me confused.

For whatever it's worth.
I think you're a pretty

... hot guy.

Thanks.

But you're not interested?

I couldn't do
that to Michelle.

Too bad you're a moron.

Excuse me?

I have incontrovertible proof.

Hey.

Hey!

Good morning.

What's up?

You still think I'm going to bolt.

And leave me stuck.

What do you want, a gender prenuptial?

Maybe.

I have to go to work.

No.

Only place I'm going is back to sleep.

No. I can't show up at work like this.

Oh, yeah.