Zero Fucks (2020) - full transcript

[alarm beeping]

[narrator] This message is
transmitted at the request

of the United States Office
of Civil Defence.

At 3:40 p.m.
Pacific Standard Time,

NORAD detected a long range
nuclear missile launch.

This missile is believed to
be headed in the direction of

the Los Angeles
Metropolitan area.

All residents within
a 400-mile radius

of this area
should seek a fallout...

[missile roars]

♪♪



♪♪

Welcome back to Channel Four
Sparks News.

This is Wanda reporting.

And today is everybody's
favorite day.

- No pants day.
- Yeah!

[Daniel] No pants day!

Hey, everybody. I'm here.

Reporting from
Sparks Nuclear site.

And let me tell you guys,

there is a chilly,
cold front coming in.

Yeah, alright now,
that's enough of that.

[Adam] Oh, sorry.

- Movie! Movie!
- Put a movie on.

- [Daniel] It's fake.
- [Donald] No way.



[Daniel] Totally fake.
Tons of evidence.

[Donald] Yeah, like what?

Like the American flag waving
in zero gravity.

There's no air in the atmosphere
on the moon.

Therefore, no winds
to make the flag blow.

- Fuck.
- Fuck is right.

And there's, like,
ten other things

that I... I won't
get into with you.

No, no, come on, get into it.
What is it? What else?

No, it's... it's too scientific.

Just trust me, okay?
The moon landings fake.

That's why you won't tell me,
because I'm a cat?

Look, if you want
to learn more about it,

there's books and shit.

- [Donald] You know I can't read.
- Yeah, then that's why.

Because you're a cat
who can't read.

If you were a cat
who could read,

then you could learn things
and we could discuss more.

Oh, like what, about science

because I know a lot
about science, okay?

I know more than you,
I could teach you

about science, mister.

- Yeah, sure. Okay.
- Yeah.

I was raised in a fucking lab,
you asshole, okay?

- I was... I was experimented on.
- Sorry.

Yeah, this is the whole reason

why I have so
many health issues.

- [Daniel] Okay, don't freak out.
- So thanks for bringing that up.

- [Daniel] I'm just saying.
- I am not freaking.

- Okay? I am a talking cat.
- I can't do this right now.

Oh, and you... and you all...

Oh, you think you're so hot,
you survived and shit.

Oh! Oh, you are...
Oh! Oh, look at us.

Oh, we are... Oh, we are
the last people on earth.

Oh, we're so special.
None of you are special.

Special my ass. You're sterile.

You're all sterile,
everyone of you is sterile.

I bet half of you
can't get it up even.

Yeah, yeah. That's what I bet.
You can't get it up.

Whereas I am
the last animal on earth

with even a shred of fertility.

So suck it.

[Daniel] You know what?
Fuck you, Donald.

When we found you,
you were malnourished,

you were dehydrated, you had an
eye infection, an ear infection,

a fucking urinary
tract infection.

You had diarrhea, fucking fleas.

You probably had cat aids, okay?
We saved your butt.

So how about a little
more gratitude

and a little less cattitude?

Oh, you don't like my cattitude?

- No.
- Oh, I'm so sorry, Daniel.

Did I hurt your little feelings?

- No, shut up.
- I will scratch your

- fucking eyes out.
- I... I... I got to go.

I got fucking radio.

Oh, look, come on,
come back here, you coward.

I want to hear about

- the moon landing.
- Shut up.

I want to hear about it with
the moon and the fake and...

Come on! Danny?

You know, you're a little mouse.
A scared little mouse.

- [Daniel] Shut the fuck up.
- Dan!

You're a mouse.

- You're a scared little mouse.
- [Daniel] Shut up.

- That's what you are.
- No, you...

Are you going to follow me
all the way to the radio?

- I got stuff to...
- Danny! Daniel! Danny!

Dan!

[exhales] Come on, Danny.

Come on, Danny boy.
Danny, Danny, Daniel. Sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Donald's sorry.

Donald's so sorry.

[Donald purring]

[Kate] Who touched
my cream corn?

Daniel? Donald?

- [Daniel] Hi, Kate.
- Did you eat my cream corn?

- No.
- Donald?

- Hi, Crazy! I don't eat corn.
- But you can see in the dark.

So did you see who
did eat my cream corn?

Oh, it's like every week
with your blow ups.

Everyone's out to get you, Kate.

What was it the last week?
The Lululemon sweats?

And then what,
the week before that,

with the thousand
island dressing, huh?

Who would eat
your salad dressing, Kate?

And then you want me to figure
it out with my cat powers,

like I'm some sort of gypsy,
psychic or something.

So, no, Kate, I did not eat
your fucking cream corn,

and I don't know who did.

I think Donald
ate your cream corn.

- Fucking Donald!
- Yes, I did.

I ate your cream corn.
I ate the cream corn.

And the other stuff?

I did.
I ate the thousand island.

I had nothing to do
with the Lululemon, though.

Ah, so I guess it's fine.

You're just eating my food,
but you don't touch my stuff.

Oh... Oh, and you named me
Donald Pump, so fuck you.

He's the one that ruined
the world, remember?

And the reason
that we're all in this mess.

And you go ahead
and name me after him.

A really good move, okay?

So every once in a while
I eat something, right?

And it might be yours.
Who cares? Big fucking deal.

At least I didn't name you

after the shit
who ended the world.

[Kate] You got light,
fluffy yellow hair.

What do you want?
The name seemed to fit.

And everyone liked it,
so it stuck.

Live with it.

[Kate hisses]

All of my nine lives,
I live with it every day.

So fuck you
and fuck you, fuckers.

- [Daniel] I love that guy.
- [Kate] Yeah, where is everyone?

I don't know.

- Not here.
- Not here?

- [chuckles]
- Daniel!

[Daniel] What?

Nothing.

Did you miss me?

[Daniel] I just saw you,
like, an hour ago.

Okay, in the hour
that you hadn't seen me,

did you think about me?

Did you think,
"Oh, where's Kate?

I wonder where Kate is.
Oh, I'd love to see Kate."

So you missed me.

I guess.

Okay, just the next time a girl
asks you, just fucking lie

- and say yes, okay?
- Okay. Yeah.

No, you're... you're
totally right. I'm sorry.

It's just my residual
nerd awkwardness.

I, uh, wasn't so popular
with the ladies before,

so now that I'm getting a
little female attention, it's...

- Oh, are you?
- Yeah. Yeah.

And, you know,
it's just I'm still not so great

- with the girls.
- No, you're not.

Thank God you have a big dick.

I mean, it's great being alive

with the last group of people
on earth and everything.

But if no one had a big dick,
I'd have fucking killed myself.

[Daniel] I have...

- [Kate] You saved me, Dan-Dan.
- I have a big dick?

- Biggest one in the group.
- Oh, so technically,

the biggest dick
in the world, right?

You have the biggest
fucking dick in all of mankind.

Hey, who's got a big dick?

[both groan]

- Hey.
- Not you.

- Get the fuck out of here.
- [Adam] Daniel, what's up, man?

You're on radio watch.

- Anything?
- I heard from your mom.

She wanted to know if you were
still wearing panties again.

You guys honestly think
I wouldn't tell you

if a fucking radio
message came in?

Oh, yeah.
One did come in yesterday.

Did I forget to tell you?

I heard from some people
in fucking Fiji,

and they wanted to
know if we'd come visit.

[Daniel] Uh, tell them no, okay?
Well, I'm going.

- Ass face.
- Yeah.

- Kate, Kate.
- Come on.

- I'll miss you.
- [Kate] Oh, he's learning.

That was sweet.

- Say hi to your mom.
- [Daniel] I'm an orphan.

- [Kate] Me too.
- Me three. Come on.

Shit. Fucking...

[sighs]

So, uh,

who's got a big dick?

[Kate] I don't know, do you?

[Adam] Well, you tell me.

- Um, average, below average.
- Oh, no, no.

No, that's... It's big. It's big.

Oh, I love your dick.

It's such a cutie, tiny-mighty.

Tiny-mighty?
I'll show you tiny-mighty.

Oh, you better. Come.

[groans]

I need something little...

Okay, you guys
are making out, alright.

[both groaning]

Oh, hey, do you want
to stick it in my ass?

- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah.

- Yeah!
- [Kate groans]

- [heavily breathing]
- Get in there.

- Get in there.
- Jesus Christ cat!

[sighs]

You want a piece of me, huh?

What do...
What do you want, Donald?

Well, Kate, uh,
I found your Lululemon.

Here it is,
it kind of smells a little bit

because I've been
sleeping on it for a week.

Sort of smells like... like ass,

which I know you love, huh?

You bitch! [laughing]

- [Kate screams]
- Bitch!

You fucker!

- Kate!
- I can't, I can't with this cat.

I fucking hate him.
Can we just get rid of him?

I mean, of all the cats,
a kleptomaniac?

Come on, Kate, we just
found them two weeks ago.

We're all getting used
to each other. Come on.

He gets pent up
when we go to sleep at night.

We're all pent up here.
I don't steal your shit.

You're wearing
my Metallica shirt.

- Oh, is that yours?
- Yeah.

And yes, I want to
stick it in your ass.

Oh, my God! Oh, God.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, are you making out?

[Kate] Oh, he was just about to
put it in my ass.

But you're my boyfriend.

There are no more boyfriends
and girlfriends here, Wanda.

I know, Adam,
but you're still my boyfriend.

Go ahead, fuck her ass.

- Wanda, stop, I'm sorry.
- This is Steve.

- [Adam] Who?
- Hi, y'all.

He's a talking grasshopper.
I just found him.

- He's so cute and small.
- Yo, I'm right here.

Don't talk about me
in third person, okay?

Right. Sorry. Uh, you can talk.
That's so cool.

How is it like being a cricket?

- What did she call me?
- A cricket.

I'm no cricket, bitch.
I'm a grasshopper.

[Kate] Well, aren't they
the same thing?

- This monkey is ignorant.
- Huh!

Yo, Steve, calm down, okay?

You can't go
calling people Monkeys.

Oh, why? People and
monkeys are different?

- You look the same to me.
- Alright, I get it. I get it.

No, no. Crickets are lazy,
dumb as fuck.

And all dead, by the way.

Us grasshoppers, we're smart

and damn handsome
if I say so myself.

Thriving, even in these
unfortunate circumstances.

We're all over the place.
How many of you around?

Okay, just... What's that joke?

A grasshopper walks into a bar
and the bartender is like,

hey, what's... Is that your name?

[Steve] What? What's that
supposed to mean?

- Nothing.
- [Wanda] Come on, Steve.

Let's leave these monkeys
to fuck each other in the ass.

Yeah, that's weird, yo. You got
some weird ass friends, Wanda.

I know, but they're all I got.

[sighs]

A talking grasshopper!

So cute.

Now where were we?

- Monkey stuff?
- Yeah.

♪♪

Seriously, will you just
say I have a big dick?

What?
What's with the penis envy?

Just strange you want
a big dick is all, I don't...

I don't know.
Maybe all women do.

Why is it strange
that I'd want a big dick?

Because, you know, Hips McGee,
it seems like it would hurt.

No, it feels great.

Daniel fucks and fucks me
like Tarzan, and it's amazing.

- No fuck for you.
- Wait, hold on.

Kate, we're just talking here.

- Just wait.
- Get out of here, Tiny.

Tiny?

What's that smell?

I don't know,
smells like Italian sausage,

like burning pizza or something.

- Donald ate Steve.
- What?

The cat ate the grasshopper.

- I'm going to kill him.
- Good, do it.

Hey, cats eat grasshoppers
all the time.

- [Kate and Wanda] Shut up!
- Ladies!

Why did you eat Steve?

What? The grasshopper?

Yes, you fucker. Why?

- Protein.
- I'm going to kill you.

Hey, take it easy.
Leave him alone.

We should all be eating
grasshoppers.

He was a talking grasshopper.
How many have you met?

Talking shit.
He was very rude. He was angry.

You knew he could talk?

Well, of course,
he had a mouth on him, that one.

Lots of arguments
and then the begging.

And then anyway, Yum-Yum,
end of discussion.

He was very... very, uh, tasty.

And he had sort of an earthy,
earthy tone.

Hey, the smell's
getting stronger.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's the gas from the outside.

It's been coming in
for a few minutes.

You should probably
get the plastic.

- Go, go, go.
- Everyone go to the plastic.

Plastic, Daniel.

- [Adam] Plastic.
- [Daniel] What?

[Adam] There's gas.
Get to the plastic.

- Go and get under the plastic.
- Thank you for the warning.

[Kate] Daniel,
bring the plastic.

- Do you hear me?
- Under the plastic.

- Get the plastic, Daniel.
- Faster.

[all coughing]

Oh, yay.

- Guys!
- Donald, you'll kill us all.

Oh, no!

Oh, my God, Donald, stop.

[all shouting]

- Donald!
- Stop!

Stop! Get the fuck out!

Alright, it's gone, it's gone.

- It's all gone, I guess.
- [Adam] What?

- It's gone.
- [Adam] Daniel, check.

[sighs]

[Daniel] Yeah, it's gone.
He's right.

[plastic crackling]

- It's gone.
- That shit's not cool.

[Adam] I love you.

[sighs]

- Daniel, where are your pants?
- [radio static]

[radio voice]
Hello? Hello, is this...

Hello, anyone there? Hello.

- Holy fuck, get the radio.
- Get the radio transmitter.

- Go, go, go, go.
- Oh!

- Oh, the radio. [laughs]
- [radio voice] Hello?

- Hello?
- [Adam] Get to the radio.

[radio voice] Hello?

Anyone there?

Hello? Hello? Anyone there?

Hello? Can you hear me? Hello?

- We're not alone.
- We're not alone.

- I hope it's a cat.
- [radio voice] Can you hear me?

I hope it's a cat.

Hello? Hello? Can you hear us?
Come in. Hello?

[radio static]

[radio voice] What?
Are you really there?

Is someone there?

[Daniel] Yes, we can hear you.
Come in.

[radio voice] Really,
oh, my God. I can't believe it.

Genius!

Who are you? Where are you?

[radio voice] In the sky, I'm
flying a plane. Where are you?

We're in Sparks Nuclear
Site outside Los Angeles,

right by the ocean.

[radio voice] I'm flying over
Los Angeles right now.

How are you even flying?

How are you able to
stay outside?

[radio voice]
I have a special suit.

Sparks Nuclear Site.

I just found your location
on my map.

You got an air strip there?
Is it clear?

- Hello?
- Yes. Yes.

Can you hear us? Hello?

[radio voice] I can hardly
hear you, can you hear me?

- Can you hear me?
- Yes, we can hear you.

- Who are you?
- [radio voice] Can you hear me?

My name is Ivanka Pump.

Can you hear me?

[radio static]

Radio's dead.

Did she just say her name
is Ivanka Pump?

I don't think so.

Ivanka fucking Pump.

- It... It can't be. It can't be.
- Wow.

I mean, what are the odds,
right? It just can't be.

[Daniel] No, there's no way.
Radio was staticky.

It can't be her,
it's... it's too far-fetched.

Ivanka Pump, it's so awesome.
Awesome!

What if it is her?

What if she's coming
here to finish the job?

What do you mean?

Like, what if there are
Pump people out there

and they're hunting survivors

and we just gave up
our fucking location?

[sighs]

I mean, we have no way
of knowing that.

You know, you really have
no way of knowing anything.

He's right,
we don't know anything

except that we just heard
from the first human woman

in... in however long
since we've been here.

And she's okay.

She is surviving somehow,

and she's out there
flying a fucking plane.

She's coming here now.

I'm scared.

Alright. Even if it is her,
which I acknowledge is crazy.

Never mind.
It's fucking crazy.

- She's wicked hot, though.
- She is.

By wicked hot, you mean
she's the daughter of the devil?

- Yes.
- Hmm.

[telepathically] Kate,
can you hear my thoughts?

[telepathically]
This is strange.

Yes, I can hear your thoughts.

Are you hearing mine?
What's going on?

[Donald] Oh, hey, Kate.

So... So now you can
also hear thoughts.

Cool. That's cool.

- [Kate] What the fuck, Donald?
- [Donald] What, bitch?

[Kate] How am I
hearing you in my head?

[Donald] I can hear thoughts
like a radio frequency.

[Kate] Is it a cat thing?

- Why am I hearing you?
- [Donald] Well, it's an oddity

hat's hard to explain in the
landscape of poisonous gas

and massive radiation,
talking animals

and wanting to have
butt sex with Adam.

And now Ivanka Pump literally
falling out of the sky.

[Kate]
So it's a radiation thing?

That makes some sense.

[Donald] Radiation, yes.

And also, you have cancer.

[Kate] I have cancer?

- How do you know?
- [Donald] I hear it.

[Kate] Fuck you.
You're making shit up.

[Donald] Okay, I'm making it up.

[radio static]

[Wanda]
You're stupid.

[Adam] I'll have to admit
I do say some really dumb shit.

I know that.
Come over here.

- Can we talk in here?
- [Wanda] No, we can't talk.

[Adam]
Can we talk in here, please?

[radio static]

[Ivanka] Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?

Yes, we can hear you.
Who are you?

[Ivanka] I've landed my plane.
I'm on the runway outside.

Did you say before
that you're Ivanka Pump?

[Ivanka] Yeah, that's me.

Look, I know that's probably
a little shocking.

Uh, yeah, your father literally
killed everyone on Earth, so...

[Ivanka] He also killed everyone
I loved, I hate him too.

I've been alone for years,
flying around the country,

looking for people, please,

I'm sorry for what my father
did, but it wasn't my fault.

You're the only people
I've found.

Fuck you, Ivanka Pump.

If anybody should have died,
it's you.

You and your whole
family screwed up

any piece of democracy
we had left,

and then America
and then everything.

I saw your hate speeches on TV.

Your stupid face
is on the $20 bill.

Couldn't let Harriet Tubman
have the spot.

I hate you, you blonde shit.

[Ivanka] I understand how
you feel, I also hate who I was

but that person
is not me any more.

I think we should let her in
and deal with her then.

- Let's put her on trial.
- Let's let her in.

I'm not letting her in
unless we put her on trial.

That's... That's crazy.

Okay? How do we even do that?

We'll figure it out.

And that is more than
she deserves anyway.

Or I can just kill her
if you prefer.

Or we can put her on trial,
and then I'll kill her.

- It's up to you.
- No, no killing anyone, okay?

We've had enough death.

[Ivanka] Hello?
Please let me in.

- [Wanda] Oh, dammit. Fine.
- [Ivanka] Hello?

Let her in.
Just keep her away from me.

I'll put on a gas mask
and go get her.

Hey, put some pants on.

What's with the no pants?

Is it no pants day?

Is it?

[metal clanks]

[drawer clatters]

Oh, dammit.

♪♪

♪♪

If you fuck her, Adam,
we're done. Done!

You're not my girlfriend
any more, Wanda.

This isn't about us.

This is about trying
to make babies.

- So if she's fertile...
- Oh, shut up.

- I'm just saying.
- You know, I'll be the judge

if we have a trial,
I am fair and impartial,

and the law
is my shepherd, so...

Read my lips as I articulate
out loud the word no.

Well, why don't you read
my nail as I scratch

the word bitch on your face?

Hey, hey, stop it.
Stop it, you two.

Acting like children.
I'll be the judge, okay?

I feel nor here
nor there about Ivanka.

Okay, I'm... I'm happy
she's joining us.

I'm cool if we kill her, too,
basically neutral.

We'll all prosecute
and reach the verdict together.

She'll defend herself.

Humanity versus Pump.

[footsteps approaching]

I do think I'd make
a better judge.

- I'm just saying, alright?
- Me too.

[door motor whirring]

[door motor stops]

Please excuse me,
I'm such a mess. I...

I am just so happy
and excited to see you all.

[sighs]

Hi. I'm Ivanka.

♪♪

- Hi.
- Hi.

Did that cat just talk?

Uh, yeah, he's a talking cat.

Oh, my God. I love cats.

- What's your name?
- Donald.

And please, may I be
the first to welcome you

to the Sparks Nuclear Facility,

the last litter of humanity
on Earth?

[Ivanka] Hi, Donald.

It's so nice to meet you.
You seem really nice.

I think we're going
to be really good friends,

and I love your name.

Oh, sorry, I... I didn't
mean it like that.

- Hmm.
- This is very awkward.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm just so excited
to see you all.

I haven't seen people
in so long.

Can I give you all a hug?

- No.
- [Ivanka] Okay, sorry.

Oh, I did see
a talking bear once.

And two talking dogs,
but never a cat.

- There's bears out there?
- [Ivanka] Oh, yes.

And other different
kinds of animals.

Life is still going on.

Ivanka, we have food and water.

You do? I am starving.

Wait, how do you have
food and water?

Well, Sparks is the biggest
nuclear site in California.

Hundreds of people worked here,
maybe thousands.

It was a self-sufficient,
closed facility.

So we have our own electrical
system, water system,

an indoor garden

and a whole warehouse
full of preserved food.

♪♪

And how did you all end up here?

We were new recruits
here on orientation day.

Stuck us in a safe room
for demo.

Next thing you know,

wave came,
everything went black.

People just evaporated.

Uh, but we were...

We were fine.

Right place at the right time.

You know, I was exploring
the sewer pipe,

uh, so curiosity saved
the cat in this case.

[laughing]

Mmm, how did you survive?

- Oh, I was in space.
- What?

Yeah, I was flying
my spacecraft.

Come on.

You were a model
doing catwalks in New York.

- Catwalks?
- Yeah, that.

See, that was actually
all just a cover up.

I was being trained since
I was a child, groomed, really.

To take over Pump operations
one day.

- Groomed?
- Mm-hmm.

- Bullshit.
- Bullshit.

No, really.
We were just priming

the public to focus on my looks.

So Pump could use me a
distraction whenever he wanted.

Worked like a charm.

Yeah, I believe it.

- Hi, my name is Adam.
- Hi.

She's distracting you right now.

- I'm Wanda.
- Hi, Wanda.

Thanks for letting me in.

We're going to put you on trial.

- What?
- Kate.

- Hi, Kate.
- Hi.

So you were in outer space
flying a spaceship.

You were secretly
trying to operate

as part of the Pump plan
for world domination?

Yes.

Look, there's a lot more
that I want to tell you all.

I know, it sounds crazy
and fantastical,

but it's the truth.

- Is it?
- Hmm.

- Really?
- [nervously] Mm-hmm.

Ivanka, we have, uh...

Let's get you something to eat.

- [Ivanka] Thank you, Daniel.
- Stop.

So, uh, some stuff up there.

- This is where we sleep.
- Yeah.

And, uh...

[groaning]

[breathing heavily]

[laughing]

[telepathically]
Starving space woman, my ass.

[telepathically] How smooth is
she going to be after she eats?

- [Kate] Get out of my head, cat.
- [Donald] Do you want me

to tell you what Daniel
is thinking right now?

I can hear his thoughts.

[Kate] Uh, yes,
and also her thoughts.

[Donald]
Daniel wants to fuck her.

I'm not getting
into her head yet.

[Kate] You're making shit up.

[Donald] And they are
fucking right now.

[Kate] Donald, are you messing
with me? I'll go check.

But if you're lying to me,
I will neuter you...

[Donald]
Leave my balls out of this.

Oh, and she likes his big dick.

[Kate screams telepathically]
I'm going, you ginger-minger.

[Donald]
Getting hotter. Red alert!

- Oh, red alert!
- [Kate screams telepathically]

- I don't want to talk to you.
- Look.

The only way to lose weight
is to burn more calories

than you consume,
like work it out.

I don't exactly have
a choice of diet here, Adam.

But that's what I'm saying.

You can eat whatever you want
as long as you exercise.

I work in the indoor garden,
go up and down stairs, do yoga.

- What else am I supposed to do?
- Do... Do whatever you want.

Eat whatever you want,
you look great.

You just said I gained weight.

I said you looked healthy,
and I meant it as a compliment.

But you think that emaciated
pilot girl is hot?

No, I don't. I just said
she's pretty skinny, that's all.

But you like that, don't you?

- Just admit it.
- Okay, fine.

Yeah, I think she's super hot.
So what?

Oh, come on.

What? Kate's pretty
fucking skinny,

you're not giving
me shit about that.

- That's different.
- Why?

Because she's not Ivanka
fucking Pump. That's why.

If... If Tom Brady
were to radio us next,

you... you feel good about that?

Really? Tom Brady?
Tom Brady is fucking dead.

Everyone is dead.

And I feel great
to be alive right now.

I bet you I look a lot
better than Tom Brady does.

Do you still like me?

Of course I still like you.

Do you still love me?

I moved to California for you.

Baby, I do.

And did I gain weight?
Be honest.

- Honest?
- Tell me.

- Okay, a little.
- I hate you.

It looks good on you. Wanda!

You know, sometimes
...Jesus!

The best option is to lose.

I mean, that was pretty bad.

No, no, no.
You... You... You go after her,

you... you tell her you care,
you tell her she's pretty,

you look in her eyes, and you...

You say, I love you,
blah, blah, blah.

I think I should
just sit this one out.

Maybe we just need a little
space to figure things out.

- I see, you don't love her.
- I do.

[sighs]

I don't know.

But you're starting to have
feelings for Kate.

What? No.
No, I mean, I don't know.

You know, it's been
pretty obvious, actually.

Oh, what? I don't think so.

Yeah, it has.

[sighs] This sucks.
What am I going to do?

Look, man, Kate and I,

we have a way of...

Of communicating so
I could feel it out for you.

No. No, I just... I really...

I don't want to hurt Wanda.

Yeah, it's a new world,

so we get to make up
the new rules, right?

I mean, you're all
fucking each other.

So who's to say
you can all fall in love

with each other, too, right?
That's natural.

You know, I'm sure
if you call a love line,

they'd back me up on this.

- You want me to call love-line?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I mean,
let me call love-line.

- Okay.
- Hello, love-line?

I'm a male in his twenties
from California,

living with the last
two chicks on Earth,

and I'm in love with them both.

- It's three chicks.
- Oh, right. Three chicks.

Because Ivanka Pump
just showed up.

And I'm in love with her, too.

Now, one girl...

One girl was my girlfriend
before all this.

But then we broke up,
we're still sort of together.

She's fine with me sleeping
with the other chick.

Just not with Ivanka,

which I really want
to sleep with.

God, I'm not even sure if
she wants to sleep with me.

[sighs]

Anyway,

my ex, let's call her Cookie,

still has feelings for me and...

I think that I'm falling
more for the second girl.

Let's call her Cake.
I mean, what should I do?

Do I go for my Cookie
or my Cake?

Well, I would, uh,
I would say that

you can have your Cake and
you can also have your Cookie.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

I also masturbate
25 times a day.

Sometimes more, is that normal?

Yeah, that's right
in the wheelhouse

for a radiated California.

But let's get back
to the first question.

- What? My life?
- Yeah.

[footsteps approaching]

I can't find them anywhere.

I searched the kitchen,
the basement, everywhere.

Oh, did you try storage?

Yeah.

Probably.

Where were you?

We were... We were in storage.

I told Ivanka
that we had Twinkies,

and she freaked out
so I took her to get some.

[Ivanka] Yum.

Was it good?

- She enjoyed it?
- I did.

I hadn't had one in so long,
and I was desperate.

I really, really like them.

I mean,
I could take them in all day.

I mean,
I know we're sharing, but,

I can really go down
on those things, huh?

Well, we're pleased to share
all that we have here with you.

Do you need to rest
or take a shower?

Oh, Kate, you're so sweet,
but no, I'm fine.

I just want to look
around this place,

get to know you
all a little better.

Well, you know Daniel
pretty well already.

Yeah, well, he is a dreamboat.

[laughs]

Oh, and I want to get
to know you, too, Kate.

Great.

Hey, Adam, can you please
go get Wanda in here?

I think we're ready to begin.

Begin what exactly?

- Ivanka's trial.
- You were serious about that?

- Yeah.
- Uh, Kate.

Come on. I think we can just let
her settle down a little bit.

Oh, I think she settled
down real fast already.

[Adam] I'll go get Wanda.

[Ivanka] You know what, Kate?
I'm not a criminal, okay?

I was a victim of my father
and his schemes my whole life.

- We all were.
- [Ivanka] Yes.

And I was a victim
of his actions.

Like the rest of you,
I am a survivor, just like you.

It's not my fault
that I was born a Pump.

Is that your opening statement?

You know, Ivanka,
why don't you just entertain us

and yourself with this thing,
and then we'll move on?

I just want you to know
that I'm not really

for the whole trial thing.

I think we should let you
settle down and, you know,

just talk about what you...
What you know.

You call it a conversation,

and I'll call it the trial
of the century.

♪♪

Great.

Everyone's here,
and the trial begins.

Mi casa, your courtroom.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, here we go.

♪♪

Humanity versus Pump.

What am I being accused for?

You are a key player in
the destruction of our world,

and you've done despicable,
harmful things to many.

So crimes against humanity.
That's it.

Whatever.
I'm telling you, I was a victim.

[Wanda] So you didn't own
property all over the world?

Fly in private jets,
eat caviar for breakfast

and snort blow off
the mayors for dinner.

Oh, I did.

But that's hardly a crime.

[Wanda] They are when you
earn those privileges,

hurting other people.

I agree, but I didn't earn them.

- My father did.
- Born with a silver spoon.

You know what, Adam, that is
really funny that you say that.

I actually did have
a silver spoon as a child.

- It had my name on.
- Oh, my God. That's hilarious.

Where did that saying come from?
The silver spoon thing?

From people who had silver
spoons for their babies.

Yeah, did you know you
have to use ivory spoons

when you eat caviar?

Because the metal ones
oxidize a little...

Or you could
just use a plastic spoon.

They didn't have plastic spoons
when they started eating caviar.

Well, they had wood,
didn't they, Adam?

Stop talking about the spoons.

- Didn't you bring it up?
- No, you did.

No.

Oh, Wanda did with the caviar
for breakfast thing.

But I didn't mention spoons.

[Adam]
Maybe you did.

I don't think so.

I didn't even know
they had ivory spoons.

Okay, everyone,
just shut up about the spoons.

[Donald] Caviar is so delicious.

- [Wanda] When did you've caviar?
- It was a wedding.

What kind of spoons
did they use?

You know,
they served it on crackers.

- So tasteful.
- [Kate] Stop!

We're not talking about spoons
or caviar or anything else

that isn't related
to this trial.

- [Ivanka] You know what's funny?
- [Kate] What's funny?

The world came to an end,
and a Pump is still being sued.

[all laughing]

[giggles]

You know what's knee-slapping
uproariously hysterical?

Is that billions died
and a Pump is still pumping.

Wow, Kate, you should
have been a lawyer.

Oh, I'm just a nuclear
physicist, I'm afraid.

Yeah, mom was really
disappointed, but thank you.

I'm glad that you're
satisfied with the court.

Well, if it pleases the court,

I'd like to enter my plea.

Please. Plea.

Not guilty.

- Yeah, that's right.
- Yes.

Audible gasp from the gallery

and reporters are scribbling
away in their notebooks.

Now, can we continue?

Do you need a Twinkie break,
Daniel?

Maybe you want to help
the defendant

with a long
cream-filled Twinkie.

- Oh, I'm good.
- [Wanda] Good.

- Beautiful.
- [Daniel] Okay.

We have enough for one day?

Can we wrap this all up?
Is this really necessary?

I don't feel good.

- Oh, Katie.
- [Wanda] Oh, are you okay?

Wanda, can you just
come with me for a second?

[Wanda] Yes. Yes, of course.

[Kate] Thank you.

- [Ivanka] Is she okay?
- It's cancer.

- [gasps] Oh, really?
- [Adam] Doesn't he...

He makes shit up all the time.

Okay, fine. I'm making it up.

- [Adam] Are you making it up?
- No.

I'm going to go check on Kate.

Adam, wait. Adam, wait.

Yes, Ivanka?

Do you think
that I should be on trial?

Um, okay, can we talk
about this later?

I should go, check on Kate.

- Sure.
- Uh, I'm... I'm very...

You seem really nice.

And I'm... I'm very glad
you found us.

I'm glad.
I'm very glad you found us.

I'm like very glad you found us.

So... So that Adam's
in love with Kate.

- Is he?
- Yeah.

What are you talking about?

He told me
just before the trial.

He told you
he's in love with Kate?

And Wanda. He's very confused.

- I love them both myself.
- You do?

This is one kind
of love fest here.

Did I just walk into
an STD death trap?

All good.
STDs have been eradicated.

- Unless you have one.
- No.

But I do hope
you love me one day, too.

I already did... Do.

Did... Do. Do.

And Adam?

Well...

Does that mean you're bisexual?

I'm trisexual.

- Donald?
- Oh, heavy petting.

That's as far as it ever got
between the two of us.

I swear.

So, um,
what's a trisexual, then?

I'll try anything.

Do you guys do orgies?

Sometimes, yeah.

Orgies, uh, sort of more
of a loose structure.

Like, anyone anywhere
kind of thing.

You know?
Sometimes orgies, yeah.

I just watch.

I'll go watch.

Are orgies your thing?

Not really.

I'm more into power plays.

Rough stuff, domination,

submission.

Kate's not feeling well.

She went to lay down for a bit.

Trial's postponed for now.

Thank God.

I... I didn't mean like that, I...
Not about Kate.

Yeah, um, well...

[groans]

Ivanka, how did you
survive all this time?

It wasn't easy.

When the wave happened,

I was coming back from
the space mission.

I didn't know what was going on,

other than I lost contact
with the base.

So I kept going because
nothing was wrong on my end.

And then after I landed,

I discovered
all of the destruction,

and I've been looking
for survivors ever since.

Three questions.
Where did you live?

How did you eat?
How did you stay outside?

I went to the military base.

I switched planes, and then
I flew to the next base.

Switched planes,
gathered supplies.

You can go outside
in the space suit.

So I would listen
on the radio for people,

look for any signs of life.

And you guys were the only
people that I found alive.

I'm just so happy to see you

because I really thought
that I was all alone.

Did you ever think
about what your dad did?

About being his daughter
and part of the Pump operations?

All the time.

I was a mess for a long time.

I thought about killing myself,

and then I decided,
no, you survived.

So I decided that I would go out

and look for people and
help in any way that I could.

I thought to myself,

"No, you don't have
the right to die.

You survived, and
there might be a reason why.

And you need to understand
what that reason is."

Now that I found you guys,

maybe I'll find out
what that reason is.

Are... Are you fertile?

I mean... I mean,
how would you know.

- I don't know.
- Why would you ask her that?

Because you and Kate aren't.

So maybe the reason
why she survived

was to start humanity
again with her babies.

That's disgusting.

- A whole race of Pumps?
- Hmm.

Come on, Wanda.

I'm sorry, that's...

That's disgusting.

- Oh, don't cry, Ivanka.
- Oh, no.

No, I had fantasies about
finally meeting people

and that we would come together
and the fight would go on.

That's why I was honest
with you about who I was,

because I thought that
maybe you would see me

as I see myself,
a victim and a survivor.

But now I realize
I was so wrong.

You will always hate me,
and I can never escape that.

I don't hate you.

I mean, I do,
but I don't know you really.

I hate the person
you're supposed to be.

Maybe that's not you any more.

- I hope it's not.
- It's not.

I think you look beautiful.

- Thanks, fat daddy.
- Fat?

It's all that protein
you been eating lately.

Yeah, look who's talking.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, uh, nothing.

Does everybody think I'm fat?

No, Wanda, come on.
You look great.

- I'm in love with you actually.
- What?

I have a big crush on you.

Just like Adam
has a big crush on Kate.

Uh, what? Um...

- Adam?
- I don't have a crush on Kate.

I mean,
where'd you get that from?

Uh, Donald said that you said.

- So...
- Oh, thanks a lot, Donald.

- Is that true?
- Uh, no.

He makes shit up all the time.

- Donald?
- Yes.

Did Adam tell you
he has a crush on Kate?

No, he said he loves her
and he also loves you.

He's very confused.

Are you confused, Adam?

Fine. Okay?

I... I like Kate
but I love you too.

Oh, you are confused.

Why... Why am I confused?

I've been locked up here
with the both of you for ages.

Why can't I love you both?
What choice do I have?

Oh, you can choose.
Do you like Ivanka also?

Yes. I like Ivanka, of course.

I mean, I... I love...
I love the... the floors

and the... Daniel and Donald
and... and the metal doors

and the fluorescent lights
and the gas and the radiation.

I fucking love everything, okay?

Also, Wanda, I was
kind of kidding before,

but I really do like you.

And obviously, I love Kate,

but I clearly have a little bit
of an instant crush on Ivanka.

I think that's okay
under the circumstances.

Well, then I'm the freak
who only loves Adam,

her ex-boyfriend, whom
she moved to California for,

because she thought he'd propose
and they'd get married.

Oh, God.

You love her too?

Go get her.

[crying]

Baby! Baby! Baby!

Listen to me a minute.
Listen to me.

I was going to propose.

- You were?
- Yeah.

Baby, come here, sit.

You remember when I picked
you up from the airport?

Well, I had it with me
when I picked you up.

I just... I was waiting
for the right moment,

and I brought it
to work with me.

- You brought the ring to work?
- Yeah.

[Wanda] Why didn't
you ever tell me?

It was just in my pocket.

I may... I was nervous.

I liked feeling it there.

You thought you'd propose to me

on our first day
at a nuclear facility?

No, no. I had it in my pocket.

I like to feel it.
I was... I was nervous.

Why didn't you ever tell me?

Well, with everything that
happened, you know,

I guess I was just waiting
for the perfect moment.

[Daniel] I think you found it.

What?

Um...

- We're going to get married!
- [Daniel] Get the ring, Adam!

Oh, my God!

Oh, what? Wanda, I love you
and everything, you know?

But look, why get married?

You know, like marriage
isn't a thing any more.

Oh, I love you, too. That's why.

That's the reason.

Oh, right, right.
Okay, um, I'll get the ring.

And I'll get Kate.
Who is going to marry us?

- Yeah, I'll do it.
- I will.

I officiated my friend's
wedding in Carmel.

I'm certified online.
It's good for all of California.

Oh, unless you're Jewish.
Are you Jewish?

No, all the Jews are gone.

Actually, I'm a Jew. Reformed.

I mean, my husband...
Late husband was Jewish,

so I converted, so actually,

Jews now make up
one-fifth of the population,

stronger than ever.

I don't think Kate would like it

if you were to marry us, Ivanka.

Not because you're Jewish.

That's irrelevant.

[laughing]

[Ivanka] No, no, I get it.
It's because she hates me.

I'll talk to her.

- Come on, Adam.
- Uh, it's there. It's this way.

[Daniel] Oh, well, I help
you get the ring.

[footsteps leaving]

This is the hope
for humanity, eh?

You're so fucked.

[giggles]

Right?

[drawers thud]

[dry heaving]

[plastic crinkles]

Donald, can you
help me find the ring?

I'm busy.

Come on.
It's under the bed.

[Donald] You really going to
marry Wanda, eh?

This is not how I imagined
the end of the world.

[Adam]
But you're a cat, you're nimble.

You can see in the dark.
Come on, buddy.

Donald, be a dear
and go help him.

- Yeah.
- Oh, yes, dear.

Come on.

[groans]

People!

- [Donald telepathically] Ivanka?
- [Ivanka telepathically] What?

- [Donald] What do you think?
- [Ivanka] I'm embarrassed.

- [Donald] About what?
- [Ivanka] Humanity.

These choice samples.
Sad, stupid, pathetic people.

- [Donald] Won't be long now.
- [Ivanka] Found the ring?

[Donald] Oh, yeah.
I've had it for days.

Found it going through
everyone's stuff.

[Ivanka] Of course, you did.

[Donald] Fun to see Adam
run around looking for it.

[Ivanka] Not for too long.
Give it back to him.

I want to see how
this wedding goes.

- [Donald] Really?
- [Ivanka] Last wedding on earth,

it'd be romantic.

[Donald] Yeah,
maybe not the last one.

[Ivanka]
Right. Not the last one.

- [Donald] Let's have fun, baby.
- [Ivanka] Yes, let's have fun.

Give him back the ring.
Is it nice?

- [Donald] It's cheap.
- [Ivanka] Of course, it is.

[Donald]
Oh, he's coming your way.

[Ivanka] I'm not ready yet.

[Adam] Can't find the fucking
ring anywhere.

I swear I hid under the bed.

[Ivanka] Well, did you ask
Donald to look?

Yeah, I looked. He looked.

We looked everywhere.
Here. Might be here.

[Ivanka] Oh, well,
why don't you take mine?

What? No.

Well, I'm not using it anyway.

Well, doesn't it have
a sentimental value for you?

My husband was a dick.

So why are you wearing it
after all this time?

Maybe I was looking for
the right moment to take it off.

- This is it.
- Adam.

I never thought
I'd see another man again.

And this ring reminds me

of what I thought
I'd never have again.

And now... Never mind.

What?

You're getting married.

- And?
- I'm too late.

Oh, Ivanka. We hardly know
each other really.

I know what I want
when I see it.

- Me?
- Wanda's a lucky girl.

Oh!

You fall right out of the sky
into my arms.

Well, I'm not in your arms,
but I wish I was.

You want me to hold you?

I want you to do what you want.

I want you to do
what's in your heart,

what's in your balls.

I want you to blow the rules
all to hell

and make up new ones
for yourself, yeah?

[groans in pain] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[Adam] Wanda! What about Wanda?

Wanda! Wanda! Wanda!
All I hear is Wanda.

I think Wanda wants
this more than you do.

- If you ever did at all.
- No, I... I did, okay?

Now we've spent so much time
with each other.

It seems like ages that we
actually wanted to be together.

[groans in pain]

Adam, you need to
make up your mind.

I like strong men.

I'll be in storage if you want.

I hope you do.

I hope you'll come.

[sighs]

Don't eat too many Twinkies

You'll get sick.

♪♪

[groans]

- [Donald] I got the ring.
- Jesus, stop doing that.

Where did you find it?

It was under your bed,
under some magazine.

- Let me see it.
- Yeah, not so fast, Tiny-Mighty.

What?

I want to officiate your

- wedding.
- Fuck no.

Why not?

Because I'm not getting
married by a fucking cat.

A fucking talking cat.

- I'm a talking cat.
- No.

Okay, fine. Let Ivanka do it.

Ivanka, why?

I don't know. She wants to.

What do you care
what Ivanka wants?

I mean, maybe Kate
will have the honor.

You know, no ring,
then no ring man.

[laughing]

- Give me back my ring.
- [Donald] I don't have it.

[Adam] You just said
you found it.

[Donald] No, no,
I lost it again.

You know what? I don't even
want the fucking ring.

[Donald] Oh, well, you don't
want to get married?

No, I don't. And you know what?

Fuck you and
fuck this stupid wedding.

It's... It's in the storage.
It's in storage.

It's in storage.

- What's in storage?
- You know, lots of things.

- [Wanda] Where's Adam?
- [Daniel] Does he have the ring?

- [Donald] You okay, Kate?
- I'm fine.

[Donald]
Yeah, I heard you puking.

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Okay.

[Daniel] We could
decorated over here.

Oh, we can put paper
flowers over here.

- We need music.
- Here. Kate and I can sing.

- You can't sing.
- Oh, we can sing, baby.

♪ Sometimes weddings are good ♪

♪ And sometimes they're bad ♪

♪ Sometimes they're even worse ♪

♪ But you still
Get to do anal ♪

Okay, okay. You can sing.
Just not that song.

Please, not that song.

Hey, Wanda, you said, Adam.

You asked, where's Adam?
Is that right?

- Yes.
- You know, he's in storage.

[Daniel] He's probably
still looking for the ring.

- I'm going to go help him.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Don't... Don't...
Don't go there now.

- [Daniel] Why not?
- Well, he's there with Ivanka.

- Ivanka?
- Yeah, they went there to fuck.

[Kate] Oh, I'm getting so sick
of your shit, cat!

No, that did... they did.
They went there to fuck.

Just like Daniel did
five minutes after she arrived.

[Daniel]
Whoa, wait a minute.

Did you fuck Ivanka in storage?

No, I... I... Okay.

- He did.
- [Kate] Did you fuck her or not?

- Not in storage.
- Yep.

Oh, god. Shit. I'm going.

[Kate] Is Adam really
in there with her?

Daniel, I hope she has AIDS.

[Daniel] I don't think so.

I'm never going to
fuck you again.

Oh, there's two men
left on earth,

- and she won't fuck you.
- Or Adam, ever.

You both disgust me.

Why can't we fuck Ivanka, huh?

She's a beautiful
woman who probably

hadn't been fucked in years.

She's just dying to
be touched, to be loved,

to be held, to be kissed.

You can hate her as
much as you want,

but on a human level,
it's just cruel not to fuck her.

On a human level, Daniel?

Well, then, fuck. I should
just fuck her too then.

- You should.
- I'd rather die.

Okay, we... we hold her
guilty in your... in your trial.

And then what?
What are you going to do?

- Something bloody.
- You're not a killer, Kate.

I don't know what I'll do.
I'll think of something.

Like forgive her for her crimes
and give her a second chance?

Is that your dick talking?

What? So now I'm
the fucking problem here?

- Not her.
- No, no, one's a problem.

We're just all in a crazy
situation, that's all.

No, I still get to
decide something.

I get to decide who
I forgive and who I fuck.

And what shitty cat I kick
if he comes near me.

Oh, temper, temper, temper.

Everything's gone belly up
since you've crawled in here.

Are you really going to blame
the broken vase on the cat?

Oh, yeah.

- You're so crazy. You're crazy.
- Fuck you.

[chokes]

I'm going to fucking kill you.

I'll scratch
your fucking eyes out.

Where is Wanda?

Uh, she stormed away.
I don't know where she is.

After she caught you
fucking Ivanka?

Huh? Here we go.

Yes, she caught us
fucking, okay?

So your fiancée ran off,

and here you are
with Ivanka, the tramp.

Okay, enough with
the name calling, Kate.

His fiancée screamed and hit us

and then destroyed storage
and then broke a million things

and basically tried to kill us.

Oh, and then she stepped
on all the Twinkies.

Thank God, I saved a couple.

And then she called off
the wedding and she stormed off.

Congratulations, Adam.
It's a record.

Shortest engagement in history.
In all of history.

Call the Guinness Book
Of World Records.

Ivanka, I'm sure
you're in there too.

- What for?
- Biggest cunt ever.

Again with the names.

You know,
I think would be in there,

you know, as a talking cat.

And I'm a talking monkey,
so get over yourself.

Right, but I'm bilingual.

I speak cat and I speak monkey,
so it's a little better.

Not if I cut your tongue out.

- Kate!
- Wait!

- [Ivanka] Kate! Kate, stop!
- Kate!

- Kate! Don't, don't, don't.
- [Kate] Come back here.

Do not hurt him.
He has done nothing to hurt you.

You've been here for less
than a minute, so shut up.

You don't get to
tell me what to do.

- Calm down.
- Oh, everyone,

- stop telling me what to do.
- Okay, girl, just get a grip.

You know what? Have a Twinkie.

Yeah, I need to think.
Yeah, I need sugar.

What do you need to think about?

Your punishment in the trial.

Oh, my God, I'm so...

Wow, we're still on that?

Okay, I'm sorry.

My bad. I confess. Now what?

Now? You get punishment.

Banishment.

- What's vanishwa?
- Ba...

Banished! Banished!

- Oh.
- [Adam] What?

You're kicking me out?

- Yeah.
- She's kicking me out.

I don't... I don't think so. No.

- Mm-hmm, no.
- Ivanka Pump.

For your past and
also your current crimes,

this court finds you
unfit for society.

You are hereby
banished from Sparks.

Never to return.

- Just go.
- Okay, Judge.

So who exactly is
going to kick me out?

The guys or...

[chuckles] Well, I'm not
kicking you out, sorry.

- [Kate] It's her or me.
- Don't look... Don't look at me.

- Daniel!
- No.

Okay.

So it's me who's unfit
for the society.

I hope for the sake of humanity

that there are others out there.

Oh, my God. Kate, don't be such
a fucking drama queen, okay?

You can't go outside.
You'll die.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I don't want you to die.
I love you, Kate.

And no matter how
much you hate Ivanka,

she's staying and so are you.

Thank you, Daniel.
That's exactly what I needed.

Someone to come and tell me
what I can or can't do.

Well, you know what?
You better listen...

You listen...

Kate, are you...

Kate, are you okay?

Are you...

Are you okay?

I'll... I'll get her some water.

Um, let's take her to bed.

- [Donald] The end.
- Come on, guys.

- Help me take her to bed.
- [Adam] I'll get her some water.

[Ivanka] No,
help me take her to bed.

[Donald] It is the end.

Come on, guys.
Help me take her to bed.

[Donald] Really, it is.

- This is Wanda, do you copy?
- [Ivanka] Adam, there she is.

Come on.

Wanda, can you hear me?
It's Adam.

[Wanda]
Put Ivanka on.

She's not here.
She's helping Kate.

[Wanda] Ivanka's helping Kate?
With what?

Wanda, where are you?

Where are you calling from?
Are you outside?

[Wanda] Tell that skunk, I'm
going to burn down the plane.

Wanda, listen to me.
You can't stay out there.

You have to come in.

[Wanda]
About to light the match.

Put her on.

Wanda, can you hear me?
Come inside.

[Wanda] I'm wearing
the space suit. I'm fine.

[Adam] We have a situation
with Kate. Come in.

- Where is she?
- She's outside, I think.

- Outside, how?
- She's wearing your spacesuit.

She wants to burn down
your plane. Reason with her.

Wanda. Wanda, this is Ivanka.

Do not light a fire
near that suit.

Can you hear me?

- I'll go get her.
- Hurry.

Okay, I'm hurrying.

- [Wanda] Can you hear me?
- Wanda? Wanda, it's Ivanka.

- [Wanda] Ivanka?
- Yes.

[Wanda] I'm going to burn
down your plane.

Wanda, do not light a fire
in that suit.

There's a small oxygen leak.

Wanda, can you hear me?

[Wanda] Can't hear you.
Don't know if you can hear me.

You took my fiancé,
I'll cut your wings off bitch.

- Here goes nothing.
- Wanda, no.

[explosion roars]

♪♪

[Adam] Wanda?

Wanda?

♪♪

♪♪

[door opens]

- Kate's dead.
- [Adam] What?

- What?
- What happened?

I... I... I took her to bed.
She lied down.

She just started convulsing.

And she stopped breathing.

I couldn't...
Couldn't revive her, just...

[Adam]
Oh, my God.

I couldn't.

Where's Wanda?

[wind blowing]

[Donald] Ivanka, your...
Your plane is fine.

- And Wanda?
- Oh, she's dead. She exploded.

Wanda's dead?

- I just said that.
- No, Kate is dead.

Oh, I know.

- How do you know?
- Well, she was pregnant.

No, she had cancer.

We hear each other's thoughts.

What the hell
are you talking about?

You know, I say things
and no one listens.

I just keep repeating
myself around here.

How do you know she's dead?

What do you want?
The transcript?

Okay, look, she...

She reached out to me
in her thoughts and, uh, said,

"Oh, I need help, I'm in pain.

My stomach."

- Why... Why didn't you help her?
- I... I was outside.

I... I told her to let go.

- Let go?
- Yeah.

I keep... Will you stop repeating

everything I say
with a question?

It's so annoying. Annoying!

I... What's going on?
What happened to Wanda?

She exploded herself outside
trying to burn down my plane.

Okay, Adam.

What?

No.

I... I don't...

I don't know what to say.

Come, sit down.

Yeah, you should sit down.

Let's all sit down.

This is a lot to process.

It's horrific, but we have to
keep it together now.

You!

You come here,

and the next thing
that happens is both girls die.

[Ivanka] How is that my fault?

It's a pretty big coincidence.

Yes, but that's exactly
what it is.

- A coincidence.
- Is it?

[Ivanka]
Guys, your friends just died.

You can hate me
and blame me later.

Okay. Right.

Uh, we should...

- I don't know.
- Well, I think we should

bury Kate and Wanda
and have a ceremony.

You know what, I brought back
one of her shoes.

Wanda's shoe?

You see? You see what they say?
They repeat everything I say.

Yeah, that's all
that's left of her.

That... That one shoe.

I was going to marry her.

Yeah, I don't think so.

I was, okay?

I was just screwing
up my courage.

Yeah, I think you were screwing
up a little bit more than that.

That was panic.

- Okay?
- Okay, okay. Yeah.

Ivanka waltzes in here,

I haven't seen another woman
apart from these two in years.

So my head starts spinning.

She comes on to me, she tells
me she wants to fuck me.

I was... I was easy pickings.

I feel ugly, used, dirty.

Please!

You went for it
like a pig on a truffle.

You need to stop blaming me

for everything that's wrong
with you and the world.

I wanted to fuck, you wanted
to fuck me and so we did.

There's nothing
to feel guilty about.

Oh, I feel guilty.

Wanda just wanted to be with me.

She just wanted to...
To be loved.

Why did I put her through that?

Kind of blew
the marriage up, didn't you?

- I kind of messed...
- It's not necessary, Donald.

What? Come on, their engagement
imploded. Am I wrong?

How are you making
jokes right now?

Okay.

Donald, be sensitive, please.

[Donald scoffs]

Of course. Of course.

I'm sorry. I'm so...
I'm so sorry.

Sorry, Wanda.
I'm so, so sorry, really.

I want to go see Kate.

[door opens]

[sighs]

Ivanka.

Guess what I was hired
to do here.

[Donald]
Oh, run the daycare centre.

- [Ivanka] I don't know. What?
- [Daniel] Security.

Oh, he's joking.

How... How can you joke
at a time like this?

Security?

Yeah, computers.

I was, uh, sort of a hacker,

hired to find breaches,
glitches in software, bugs.

Okay.

Why am I
telling you this, right?

- I'm following.
- I think I found a breach.

A bug.

- But all the computers are dead.
- Like my friends.

Where are you going
with this Daniel?

It's you.

You're the bug.

Brilliant.

- He should get a raise for that.
- Oh, yeah.

You know,
just think about it, Ivanka.

Okay, I get it. I'm the bug.

Everything... our system's
running smoothly.

Then you show up,
everything goes crazy.

The girls die,

and you take control somehow.

Everything starts
working in your favor.

How is the girls dying
in my favor?

They wanted you out, gone.

You're dangerous.

But you're attracted
to danger, aren't you?

Sure.

- I like a little flame.
- Okay.

And oops,
you got a little burned

and now you want
to cry about it, or...

I want to put it out.

That's all he could
come up with.

So far.

Wow, you must feel
pretty terrible

knowing that
there was danger around

and you let it
kill your friends.

I feel plenty bad about it,

but I'm not done
figuring you out yet.

Okay, smarty pants.
What's my next move?

You're going to come
after me or Adam?

What?
And lose such gifted lovers?

[giggles]

I don't know what
your end game is,

but I'm not going
to lose to you again.

[Ivanka] No.

[Daniel]
I want to strike a deal.

- You want me to go after Adam?
- No.

I want you to go after me.

- I'm confused.
- That's good.

- Just get to the point, Daniel.
- Tell me everything.

I'll go away.

What do you think,
Donald, of our friend

Sherlock Holmes here
and his little deal?

[Donald] Well, I'm not going
to beat around the bush.

- You never do.
- No, I just grab it.

I think he's on to something.

So why don't we just tell him
what he wants to know,

and then he's got to go. Deal?

You're in on it. Of course.

I'm behind it. I'm Donald Pump.

[Daniel]
The cat version.

No, the real thing.

But you're a cat.

Yes, it's a necessary
temporary transition.

I want to be with
my daughter, you see.

I don't see.

This place is a dump, trust me.

I mean, why do you think
we're here?

Because... Because of us.

Because we're the...
The last survivor.

Right, yeah.
You're the last people on Earth.

That's right. We... We spent
two years looking for you.

We had the entire army
looking for you.

- [Daniel] You have an army?
- Yeah.

Grasshoppers, ex-marines.

- Yeah.
- Well, why are you...

Why kill everyone? What?

I want to be with my daughter.

- You keep saying that.
- I've been saying it for years.

Oh, you want to be
"together" together?

We do. But...
But I want it to be right. Yeah.

So you're killing
everyone in the world

so you can be together
without guilt?

That's nice,
it's a good thought,

but I think it's maybe
a little bit more than that.

Good, because
that's fucking pathetic.

I hated the world.
Didn't you, Dan?

Sure, sure.

It had its problems,
but nothing compared to now.

We could spend lifetimes,
generations trying to fix it.

And I'm telling you,
we would fail.

- Do you understand?
- I don't understand.

Look, the only way
forward for all of us

is to start over from scratch.

From one man and one
woman from the ground floor.

And I had the plan.

Don't you see, Daniel?
That's my plan.

My plan, Daniel. Don't you see?

To push the reset button,
to make it great again.

[sighs]

I'm so ashamed.

Oh, come on.
Why are you ashamed, Daniel?

[chuckles]

I voted for you.

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Dan.

- Fuck you.
- Yeah, alright.

You know what?

We don't expect you
to understand our vision.

- I don't think he could.
- No, probably not.

It's demonic that you...
You think that

you've done humanity
some kind of favor.

This reboot of yours,
what gave you the right?

Your vote.

[laughs]

I should just kill you both.

Oh, but, you know, then

the army would have to
come after you and Adam,

and that would be
the end of humanity.

Do you really want that on you?

It's a little
more on you, really.

Look, we're going to start over.

A new beginning, a new chapter,
whether you like it or not.

Well, why not just
get it over with?

Kill everybody.
Why all the fucking games?

Well, we like to have fun.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Like a cat and a mouse.
- Ah, exactly, see, he gets it.

Yeah.

Right, okay, so go ahead.

Kill us all. Get it over with.

Present sucks.
The future's not worth shit.

Yeah, but see,
that would be too messy.

You know, us killing you,
it has to be better than that.

- Yeah.
- I'm not going to kill myself.

I won't give you
the satisfaction.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

- We'll have Adam do it.
- [scoffs] He won't.

Looks like you missed the bug.

Oops.

[laughs]

Adam's with you?

He does what he's told.

- He's a good boy.
- No.

What have you done with Adam?

Why don't you ask him yourself?

Honey baby?

Adam, what have
they done to you?

What? Nothing.

They just...
They explained things.

What did they explain?

[Adam] I don't know, didn't they
explain things to you?

- [Daniel] Yeah.
- So they killed everybody.

- Now it's just you or me.
- You're gonna kill me?

- Or... Or you me.
- [Daniel] I'm not going to kill.

We don't have to do
what they say.

[Adam] Well, we sort of do.

Daniel, you can kill Adam
anytime you like.

- I don't like.
- I mean, I would...

I'd prefer that he kill you,

because then the last man
on earth is called Adam.

Sort of like the first
man on earth, right?

Like in the bible,
you know, circular.

It's poetic.
I don't know. You get it.

Let's just kill them both.

But that would mean
the real end of humanity.

The good end.

Where all the evil is dead.

Yeah, but then their children

and their children's children,

a thousand years from now,
things would be great again.

No, no. It'll be worse.

Their utopian dream is fake.

- [Donald] Believe me.
- It'll never work.

It'll work. It's all been
carefully thought out by me.

So it's going to work.

I don't care. I mean, whatever.

Just get on with it.
One of you has got to go.

What happens to the last one?

- Oh, he becomes the witness.
- [Daniel] The witness?

Yeah, so he can see
the end of the world.

What do you need a witness for?

- Yeah, like an audience.
- He needs an audience.

Yeah, no, need is a big word.
I like.

I'm sorry, Daniel.

At this point, they have the
better story, the better plan.

[Daniel]
So you ready to kill me?

Yes.
I'm sorry, Daniel. I see no...

I see no other choice.

And finally, the jury
has reached its verdict.

- Come on, Dan.
- I thought we were friends.

Just take it outside, guys.
Come on.

How are you going to kill me?

With this.

It's the Twinkie.

It is fast. Painful, but fast.

- Come on.
- No.

You know what?
I'm glad to die.

I don't want to live in this
place you've made any more.

It's... It... This place is shit.

It's not worth living in.

Oh, it's going to be beautiful.
Trust me.

I could never kill you.

I don't know... I don't know
what they've done to you.

This is hard on me too, Dan.

Come on.

I'll eat the fucking Twinkie.

Well, come on back down
when you're done, Adam.

We have a spacesuit
fitted for you.

It's real nice.

Well, it's done.

Zero Fucks, your master plan.

Oh, it was beautiful to watch.

And a new world begins,
our world.

We finally get
to be together, Daddy.

Oh, my darling.

- Eat it.
- Don't make me do this, man.

Don't make me eat
that fucking Twinkie.

Eat it.

Why do you want to kill me?

I don't want to eat it,
I don't want to make you eat it.

This is hard on me, too, Daniel.

Did you see her? She's gorgeous.

- I'm sorry.
- Come on, Adam, you're really...

You're going to... You're going
to kill me on no pants day?

Oh, but I thought...

You're going to kill
me on no pants day, Adam?

Don't you bring that up now.
Don't you bring up no pants day.

God, I love no pants day.

- I hate no pants day.
- What?

- I like Frank whistle Wednesday.
- Why do you hate no pants day?

Because I have a tiny penis.

I have a tinier penis than you.

But Kate loves you...
Your... your tiny penis, bro.

- Don't you bring that up.
- Tiny-Mighty!

- I'll show you Tiny-Mighty.
- No.

- I'll show you Tiny-Mighty.
- No.

I'm not eating.

Eat it. Eat the Twinkie.

[Steve] Mr. Pump,
this is Steve reporting.

- Steve, are we ready to go?
- Yes sir.

Ship's ready to move.

Well, shall we go?

♪♪

[Donald] Attaboy.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪