Zapped! (1982) - full transcript

(TRYING TO KILL A SATURDAY NIGHT
PLAYING)

♪ Day is dead, sun is down

♪ And I don 't know a single soul in town

♪ Think I'm going solo

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

♪ I'm just trying to kill a Saturday night

♪ Work all week for a little pay

(ZAPPING)

♪ Get the car and I'm on my way

♪ Won't sit home crying

♪ I'm just trying to kill a Saturday night



♪ Man, it's lonely

♪ When only the wheel holds you tight

♪ Run from sorrow

♪ Tomorrow I'll pay for tonight

♪ Yeah

(SIGHS)

Okay, Edgar. Your turn now.

(SQUEAKING)

Hey, come on.

All the rock stars love this stuff.

There you go.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-Barn?
-Hi, Peyton.

Since when did you become a boozer?



Oh, no.

The scuba club wants a report
on diving under the influence.

(SQUEAKING)

Let's see.

Edgar and Vincent were given
an amount of whiskey

equal to human consumption
of about 10 pints.

It's amazing.

They're twice as big
as they were yesterday.

Yeah, growth rate is up to 2 inches a day.

I gotta hand it to you, Barn,

super dope grown in super time
means a super buzz.

-And a lot of bucks for us.
-Whatever.

Hey, you know, Peyton,
over the summer, I...

I'm gonna test my Ultra Grow
mixture on various other plants.

It might get me a research grant
in the fall.

PEYTON: Looks like the party's over
for those two.

-No kidding.
-Well, let's go, Barn. It's assembly time.

Come on, Barn.

(TRYING TO KILL A SATURDAY NIGHT
PLAYING)

Barney, would you look at yourself?

You look like you just escaped
from a mouse cage.

-You know what you need?
-No, what?

Girl.

Gotta toughen you up, bro.

Hey, Barn.
How about some math help later?

No way. He's got work of his own to do.

Hey, Barney, did boss man here get you
a date for the prom?

Are you kidding?
Barney doesn't care about girls.

He's a rocket scientist.

You guys are assholes.

PEYTON: Smile.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Front page, Senior Edition.

Peyton, you print that and I'll sue.

I'm getting so tired of the girls
around here. They're so immature.

Hey, Peyton,

you and her ever...

Roscoe, you know I don't like
to talk about my women.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Oh, Barney,
how are my orchids coming along?

-They're fine, sir. We're right on schedule.
-Good.

My ex-wife's gonna be insane
when I win that blue ribbon.

Carry on, men.

You too, sir.

Seniors, I give you the
Penguin cheerleaders!

(ALL CHEERING)

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

ALL: We're number one,
we're not number two

We're gonna push
the Tigers back in the zoo

(WHOOPING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Now, don't forget our last
baseball game is Tuesday afternoon

against the Lincoln Tigers,

So let's get out there
and show some spirit!

(WHOOPING)

And now, as your class president,

it is my pleasure to introduce

the great principal of
Ralph Waldo Emerson High ...

Gary Cooter.

(ALL CHEERING)

As I was saying, the great principal
of Ralph Waldo Emerson High,

Mr. Walter Coolidge.

(TRUMPET PLAYING)

I'd like to congratulate
all the baseball varsity,

Well, you haven't won a game all year,

but let's not quit.

Let's pound those Tigers into rabbit

doo-doo!

(TRUMPET PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Good luck to you all,

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

That was just fantastic.

Miss Burnhart, please.

That's all, seniors,
See you at the ball game.

(ALL CHEERING)

PEYTON: Miss Updike,

I'm afraid we're gonna have to re-shoot
your Senior Edition pictures.

The first group didn't come out.

Okay, Peyton,

follow me.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

You won't forget me when you're
with those college girls, will you?

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Corinne, your love is a prize
I could never forsake.

That is one of your better lines.

-Hi, Dex.
-Hi there, Barney.

Now, don't mind me. Just keep
on doing what you're doing.

-Well, we only have one more game left.
-That's right.

And don't forget you promised
to let me bat once before I leave.

Barn, you're the greatest

statistician I ever had.

And you're a scientific whiz kid to boot.

If I was you,
I wouldn't be worried about no baseball.

Now, when I was your age
I was always out whoring around,

-having myself a good old time.
-Well, I wish I was whoring around.

No, you don't.

Them women is trouble.

First come the woman

and then the whiskey.

We used to call that

the devil's double whammy.

But you know something,

my old lady won't let
me eat salami no more.

Says it causes cancer.

Maybe you ought to drop this petunia shit
and figure out a cure for that sucker.

Because I can't live
in this world without salami.

No weenies either.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Talking about trouble,
here's the stickball king himself.

Just following in your footsteps, Dexter.

You wish.

Well, I guess I'll be going, fellas.
So, take care, Barney.

See you later, Dex.

And you get your rich ass to
practice on time today, you hear?

Sure thing, Coach.

Thanks for stopping by.

So how we doing, Barn?

Not bad.

I'm almost finished.

This is the oil I extracted
from the first crop.

I'm gonna give Edgar a dose now.

This ought to get him blasted.

Edgar seems to be exhibiting
signs of paranoid schizophrenia.

His brain is fried.

Hey, Barn, how do you tell
when they're stoned?

Well, they...
Hand me that beaker, will you?

Sure.

Well, first of all, they eat
twice their weight in cheese,

and they roll over and stare
at this little red light.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi, Peyton. I'm here to interview
Barney for the Senior Edition,

Sorry, Bernadette,
but Barney's in the middle

of an extremely delicate
cross-pollenization.

Well, then how about
just a couple of pictures?

No pictures in the lab, Bernadette.

Well, I need a picture of
Barney by his orchids.

-That's what the...
-All right, I'll take them.

Barney is very busy now, okay?

Sure, I'll be back tomorrow.

Fine.

There's no such word as pollenization.

Whatever. She's a pain.

Look, I gotta run, Barn.
I'll catch you later, okay?

See you.

(ZAPPING)

Edgar, how did you get that?

All right, eat.

But you realize I'll have to give you
a bigger dose now to counteract the food.

(ZAPPING)

(ZAPPING)

(GROANS)

Barney bonehead.

Up yours.

-MRS. SPRINGBORO: Barney, is that you?
-Hey. Hi, Alvy. How you doing?

Hi, I'm home.

MRS. SPRINGBORO: Where were you?
Your mother was worried.

I was at the lab. I had some work to do.

MRS. SPRINGBORO: Would you come here,
please? Your father wants to talk to you.

MAN ON RADIO: "Hounded by hemorrhoids?
Then have a Relaxo fruit juice break."

"And now back to our
regularly scheduled program."

I saved you some supper,
but you don't deserve it.

You're right. I don't deserve it.

Don't get smart with your mother.

-BARNEY: Sorry.
-What happened to you?

Nothing. I just had a little
accident in the lab. That's all.

I think this laboratory nonsense
has gotten out of hand.

You don't go out with girls.

When are you gonna ask
somebody to the prom?

When I find the right girl, Mom. Okay?

I have some homework to do.

-Should we?
-Let's leave it till tomorrow.

No. I think we should do it now.

(SIGHS)

(WHINING)

Barney, your mother and I
are very concerned.

It's your attitude.

Not to mention your late hours
and loss of appetite.

Son, roll up your sleeves.

-Should we check between his toes?
-What's going on?

Your father and I went to a drug
education seminar at the school.

Are you a junkie, Son?

-Right, Dad.
-Don't talk to your father like that.

-What's the matter, Barney?
-Nothing's the matter.

All right.

We'll discuss it further
in the morning.

And I expect a little more
cooperation around here.

You can start by
cleaning up this pigpen.

(ZAPPING)

(ALVY BARKING)

-How dare you?
-I didn't do it.

Alvy did it.

(WHINING)

And I suppose that dummy
taught him how to do it.

-Hey, Barn.
-Hi.

-How you doing?
-Okay.

-How's the hooch?
-The hooch?

-Yeah, you know...
-It's...

Hey, Barney, how about that interview?

Bernadette, we're on
our way to class now.

You should be, too.

Barney, how responsible
do you think scientists are

for the mess the world is in today?

And do you think they
can get us out of it?

Yeah.

Well, scientists have to bear
some responsibility for the mess.

But I also think they're our
best hope for cleaning it up.

A pat answer, but I'll take it.

What are you planning on
doing with those orchids?

Well, I really don't know yet.

What do you plan to
specialize in at college?

Botany. Research, that is.

There's a lot of money
to be made there.

Is that your goal, Barney?
To make money?

-I guess that'd be part of it.
-That's enough for now, Bernadette.

I'm not interviewing you.

I agree. I think that's
enough for now.

(BELL RINGING)

You gotta watch her, Barn.
She's nosey.

She sure is pushy.

-Hi, Bernadette.
-Hi, Jane. How you doing?

-Did you do your homework?
-Yeah.

-Can I copy?
-Again?

Sure.

Good afternoon, class.

I'm so happy to inform you

that we have a very
special visitor today.

Our esteemed principal,
Mr. Walter Coolidge.

Hey, Coolidge, you shave with an ax?

Yes, sir. You can sit
here at my desk, sir.

Thank you, Miss Burnhart.
It's a pleasure to be here.

And...

And now we'll continue with our
final presentations in poetry.

Who's next in the alphabet?

Let's see here.

You're next, Gary Cooter.

Do I have to, Miss Burnfart?

Read us your poem, Gary.

Or your next year will be
your fourth as a senior.

This is a poem about something
that's pretty important to me

and that I get real
confused about a lot.

It's called Chicks,

"Chicks

"Sometimes I feel like
I'm so much above them

"And sometimes I feel like
I'm so much below them"

GIRL: Oh, God.

"Sometimes, I hate them

"And sometimes, I love them"

Barney,

Barney,

"But if I was a cave man
I think I'd just club them"

(BOOING)

All right.

MISS BURNHART: Thank you, Gary.

Barney, what do you
think of Gary's poem?

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

What's the... What's
the problem, Barney?

Are you hiding something?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Shall we continue?

Oh, Barney.

When may I see my orchids?

Anytime, Mr. Coolidge.

Just let me know ahead of time
so I can straighten up.

It's quite messy in there.

All right, I'll do that.

Let's make it soon, shall we?

Hey, Barn, you feeling okay?

-You seem sort of out of it.
-What?

Oh. Yeah, yeah,
I'm okay, Peyton.

PEYTON: Jane looks kind of cute today.

Sure does.

Hey, watch this.

All you need is a good opening line.
It all hinges on the first seven seconds.

-It's in the Valley. It's the best...
-Did they card you?

Yes, they did, but I had my fake,
so it was no problem.

They'll probably card you.

Hi, Jane. Can I talk to you a minute?

Sure.

It's kind of private.

Okay.

Who you going to the
prom with, Barney?

I don't know yet.

Why don't you go with one
of your mice friends?

So, what's this all about?

Saturday night.

Dinner and a flick.
We'll have a blast.

Cut the crap. You know I'm
going out with Robert Wolcott.

He's pre-law at Tee Winkle College.
Why should I go out with you?

Well, I'm pre-rich, pre-famous
and pre-powerful.

You act like pre-school and
that's a little immature for me.

(ZAPPING)

(JANE EXCLAIMING)

Wow!

(SHRIEKING)

What the hell's going on here?

Nobody touched her,
swear to God.

Well, what's she
screaming for, punk?

Nothing's going on, Robert.
He didn't touch me.

The wind blew it open. That's all.
Nothing happened, really.

He just wishes.

I catch you near her again,
and I'll break your face.

No problem, Rob.

Let's get out of here, Robert.

What are you,
some kind of pervert?

-It must have shrunk.
-Get in the car.

If I ever catch you doing
anything like that again,

except when we're alone, I'll...

JANE: I didn't do it.

How do you suppose
that happened?

I don't know.

I guess it was the wind.
You know, like she said.

Yeah.

Well, Barn, you wanna
get something to eat?

Oh, no. Not really.

I think I'm gonna go
back into the lab.

-Well, I guess I'll see you later then, huh?
-Right. See you.

(ZAPPING)

(SHATTERING)

(ZAPPING)

Oh, my God.

I can't believe it.

I'm not dreaming.

That's incredible, Barney.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

-How did you get in here?
-The door was open.

Anyway, you can't stop me.
It's school property.

(ZAPPING)

Thanks a lot, Barney.

How cute. What are their names?

None of your business.

Come on, Barney, don't be mad.
Don't you realize how amazing this is?

What is?

Don't try to bullshit me, Barney.
I saw those test tubes flying around,

and I saw those maps
pop off the wall.

Big deal.
So what does that mean?

What does the word telekinesis
mean to you, Barney?

I've never heard of it.

(EXCLAIMS)

Marijuana. I can't wait to find out
how these fit into all this.

Look, I have some more work to do.
Can't you just leave me alone? Please?

Barney, you can't expect to keep
a thing like this to yourself.

This is it. Mind over matter,
the power to move things at will.

Hey, Barn.

I was just passing by
and I couldn't help overhearing.

Telekinesis, huh?

-Hey. How did it happen?
-I don't know.

Well, there was an explosion,
and I didn't think anything of it.

But that must have been it, because
after that things started happening.

Peyton...

I can make things fly around.
I can move things.

Barney, we'll shock the scientific world.
We can prove that telekinesis exists.

Look, I don't want anybody else
to know about this.

-But, Barney...
-He's right. It'd just be a lot of publicity.

We gotta keep this thing to ourselves.

You're right. Nobody can know.

-I have to go home.
-Hey, you feeling okay?

Oh, yeah, I just need some time
to think, that's all.

I'm a little foggy still.

-Bye.
-Bye.

So how does the world look
through cracked glasses?

Cracked.

Where were you?
I spent all afternoon making dinner,

and you don't see fit
to come home on time.

Your mother made her specialty,
Spam with cream sauce.

(BELCHING)

Did you bring me that milk
like I asked you to?

Oh. I forgot it.

Son, you've been
damned irresponsible lately.

-You better explain yourself.
-Answer your father.

What's the question?

You don't eat. You go to sleep at 7:30...

I had some work to finish at the lab
and then I went for a walk, that's all.

Gee whiz, Mom, I said I'm sorry.

-I think maybe I'll get a burger.
-Now, just a minute.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Starting tonight you're grounded.

You'll be in this house at suppertime
and this is where you'll stay.

(ZAPPING)

(BOTH GASP)

I didn't mean it. Dad, I'm sorry.

You should be. Now, go to your room.
Can't you see your father's a sick man?

(WHINING)

Okay, Alvy, they've got you
on their main view scanner

and they're coming in for a closer look.

They seem to be afraid of you.

(ZAPPING)

I don't believe it, Captain.
That thing could swallow us whole.

Spock, do we have a reading?

Yes, Captain, computer indicates
we're about to be swallowed

by a giant sheep dog.

For God's sake,
I hope he's been wormed.

(ALVY GROWLING)

(ALVY GROWLING)

I have to get something to eat.

What are you doing?

(WHINING)

All right, you can come.

But don't say I never take you anyplace.

There.

Now they'll never know we're gone.
Come on.

JANE: Who you going
to the prom with, Barney?

Why don't you go with
one of your mice friends?

Are you talking to me?
Are you talking to me?

Oh, yeah? Well, take this.

(ZAPPING)

Oh, no.

Now I'm really in for it.

What's all the racket up here?

Who were you talking to?

Nobody. I was just talking to myself.

My God. What...

Who's that in your bed?

(ZAPPING)

(MRS. SPRINGBORO EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMING)

(MR. SPRINGBORO SNORING)

Mom?

Oh, listen, I'm going for a burger.
I won't be long.

-Wake up. Wake up.
-What?

Barney's dummy.

-The dummy, it attacked.
-Calm down.

Now, calm down. Now, did
you have your 8:00 Valium?

Well, there you go.

Oh, prune juice.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(BELL RINGING)

Edgar. You got it, too.

Edgar. Edgar, don't
try to push me around.

(ZAPPING)

Now you better mind your
manners, you little shit.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(SIGHS)

-Hi, Barney.
-Hi.

What are you doing?
What is that for?

I thought we'd start by testing
your power for controlled distance

on substances with different
physical properties.

Bernadette, you don't know a
thing about science. I mean...

You can't be the subject
of your own experiment.

Now, just see if you can empty
the air out of that can.

Very good. Now, see if you can
empty the water out of the tank.

Come here.

(ZAPPING)

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

Very imaginative.

Now, we know from last night that
you can move solids, so we conclude

that your telekinetic power works
on all three states of matter.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi, Peyton.

Hey, what's going on?
Barney, we got a game to go to.

-Oh, right.
-Oh, well, we've been conducting

a little research,
but I was just leaving.

Bye, Barney.

Look, next time, ask me first
before you barge in here, okay?

Okay. Sorry.

Gotta keep her under wraps.
It's the power. It's...

Yeah, I know, it's scary.

You know, I had an idea. If you
don't wanna do it, I understand.

Just because we're
best friends for life.

-What is it?
-I knew you'd drag it out of me.

Play ball.

ANNOUNCER ON P,A,:
The Emerson Penguins take the field,

(ALL CHEERING)

On the mound for Emerson,
Peyton Nichols.

Hey, looks like we're a little
short on the bench today, Dex.

Alan, take your finger
out of your nose.

What'd I tell you about that shit?
Now suck it.

Suck it.

ANNOUNCER ON P,A,: First up for
the Tigers, playing shortstop,

number four, Deke Davis.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(ZAPPING)

What an amazing hop.

Now batting for the Tigers, their pitcher
and the league's leading hitter,

Nathan "Too Mean" Levine.

(WHOOPING)

There's a shot,

It's a home run,

Top of the first,
the Tigers lead, 1-nothing,

-Sorry about that.
-That's okay, pal.

Let's just keep it cool until
the ninth inning like we said.

(ZAPPING)

You're out!

(ZAPPING)

(ZAPPING)

(ZAPPING)

(ZAPPING)

You're out. Strike three.

(BOOING)

(ZAPPING)

Hold on there, Ump. I got
a pinch hitter coming in.

No. No, Dex. He was your pinch hitter.
You used him in the seventh inning,

and now you have nobody
else left except me.

Besides, nobody else even touched
"'Too Mean"' anyway.

Oh, come on, Dex, you promised me.
Please? You promised.

-Go right on now.
-Thanks.

Now batting for Emerson,
Barney Springboro,

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SOBBING)

What an amazing game,

It had it all, incredible fielding,
pitching, clutch hitting.

And the final score, 3-1,
Emerson Penguins,

Thanks, Dex.

If I only knew. You know something?
We could have been contenders.

(LAUGHING)

We did it. Can you believe it?

-You were great.
-I couldn't have done it without you.

Oh, that was nothing.

What do you say we
celebrate at my house?

Forget it.

Oh, Robert. Good game, huh?

Typical high school stuff, though.

You would have been eaten
alive in college ball.

Oh. Yeah, I'm sure you'd
know about that, wouldn't you?

Are you going to the Senior Day?

To Magic Land?
That kid stuff is a little gooish for me.

Oh, yeah, well, they do have
the scariest roller coaster in the world.

-Of course I rode it standing up last time.
-You would.

-See you around.
-Jerk.

Did you smell that guy?
Let's get out of here.

(WHOOPING)

-Hey. That's the jerk that made us lose.
-Yeah, you little weasel.

Okay, pal. Kiss this.

(LAUGHING)

(ZAPPING)

(GIRLS SHRIEKING)

(ZAPPING)

(ZAPPING)

(EXCLAIMING)

-Shit.
-Shit.

Who is this guy?

-Hey!
-Hey!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Oh, Dexter, do you have
your pass key on you?

-Sure do, Mr. C. What do you need?
-My key doesn't seem to work in this lock.

We all seem to have that same problem
some time or another, don't we?

Hello, sir. Hello, Mr. Jones.
How are we today?

Just fine, Miss Burnhart.

You see, now this door has a special
lock, and Barney's got the key.

Maximum security for them flowers.

Thank you, Dexter. I'll
speak to Barney about this.

How is Barney's experiment
coming along?

That's what I can't seem to find out.
Everything is so secretive.

I want to see what's in there.

Barney? Barney, look. I'm sorry
I barged in the other day.

Maybe I've been too pushy,
but you just can't shut me out.

I can help. Can't we just talk?

-Okay.
-Great.

Now, I promise I won't do this if you
don't want to, so don't get mad, okay?

But please don't say no.
It'll be great for both of us, I swear.

All right, all right. What is it?

Okay, my sister knows someone
at a research journal,

and if we can continue our experiments,
she can publish our findings.

Hey, you know, that's
a very good idea.

Oh, I knew you'd feel this way, Barney.
Isn't it exciting?

-Yeah. I'll talk to Peyton about it.
-Peyton? What for?

Well, he's sort of got all these plans for us.

You know, like selling the
Ultra Grow, that sort of stuff.

Figures. Another
scientist sells out.

No, listen, someday,
I mean, I can get my own...

(GRUNTING)

Oh, my.

Well, how rich does Peyton
think you'll get in jail?

I'm ruined.

-I can't believe this.
-Come on.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(ZAPPING)

(NEWSPAPER RUSTLING)

Yes, Miss Updike?

Look, today's Bachelor
Bait, I'm sorry, sir,

but there is no response to your ad today.

I can't stand this waiting.

I knew that I shouldn't have admitted
that I was a high school principal.

They all probably assume I'm a dud.

Oh, I think it's best
to be honest from the start.

Excuse me, sir, but I just
learned something so shocking.

Oh, I can't stand to see them
make a fool of you, sir.

What is it, Miss Burnhart?

Barney's lab.

-It's...
-It's what?

It's... Come with me, sir.

I hope this is important,
Miss Burnhart.

(GRUNTS)

Well, here they are.

What's the problem,
Miss Burnhart?

Yes, what is it?

But there was marijuana
there. I saw it.

I think you smoked it,
Miss Burnhart.

I appreciate you showing me
the orchid, Miss Burnhart,

but sneaking through windows does
not exemplify the sort of behavior

we try to impart to our students.

Good grief.

(GASPS)

Oh, Dexter, I was...

Security check.

Got lucky, hey, Walt?

(CHUCKLING)

No, no, Dexter. It's not
what you think at all.

I sure hope not, but I'll
be saying my prayers for you,

just in case.

MISS BURNHART: God knows I tried.

Oh, Dexter.

-MISS BURNHART: Walter.
-Keep this to yourself, okay?

Always do.

I got a file in my head two feet thick
about a whole lot of things you do

that I keep to myself.

I'll be a son-of-a-gun.

BERNADETTE: Hurry up.

I'm trying, I'm trying.

It's too big. It doesn't fit.

BERNADETTE: We don't have all day,
Barney. Faster.

-Here, that's the last of it.
-(SIGHING) Thank goodness.

-Barney.
-Dex.

What are you doing here?

-Oh, nothing. I just thought I would...
-You got yourself a good catch here.

Barney's gonna be a
famous scientist some day.

Oh, well, thanks, Dex.

-We'll see you later.
-Bye.

Next time, take
her someplace decent.

That was close.

(SNIFFING)

(COUGHING)

Wow.

Yeah.

Where am I? Barney?
Is that you?

Barney is working with me now, Dex.

Mr. Einstein.

I'm feeling strange.
Someone's putting some shit on my mind.

Sounds like too many chilidogs, Dex.

You have to learn to relax.

Chilidogs are what I need to relax.

Salami, too,
but my old lady won't let me have them.

EINSTEIN: I ride a bike to relax,
Dex, Can you ride?

-You see, Dex, it is not so hard, is it?
-No, it ain't so bad after all.

(FANFARE PLAYING)

Dex.

Dexter Jones. Bow-legged sap sucker.

Here comes the devil and the
four black stallions after my ass.

That's it. I found you. You can't hide
nothing from me, Dexter Jones.

You ugly spasm.

-Who is that, Dex?
-That's my wife.

Found out where I hid
the salami in the garage.

-You'd better be making tracks, Dex.
-You ain't shitting, Mr. Einstein.

This'll teach you.

Help me, Mr. Einstein! Barney!

Help me!

DEXTER: Back on Earth,

What a drag.
Nobody even got to enjoy the stuff.

All that research down the drain.

-Better than his life down the drain.
-Well, we had to do it, Peyton.

Oh, it's no big deal.
I mean, this is small-time

compared to what you can do
with your you-know-what.

Well, I've gotta go.
See you around, guys.

Bernadette...

-See you.
-Sure.

(JUST FOR FUN PLAYING)

Jane, you're slouching.

Beautiful!

Great.

♪ Give me a taste of
the wind in my face

♪ And the sun shining up above

(ALL YELLING)

♪ Me and my friends got
the world in our hands

♪ And somebody could fall in love

♪ All the kids go looking for trouble

♪ Now that school is over and done

♪ And we might just stay here all night

♪ Doing it right

♪ Just for fun

♪ Checking the action,
the latest attraction

♪ It's back on the track again

♪ You better hold tight
'cause it's faster than light

♪ You may lose a few now and then

♪ All the kids come looking for trouble

♪ And the good times only begun

♪ And we might just stay here all night

♪ Doing it right

I want that one right there.

-You're full of it, man.
-Maybe.

-Did you see Robert's face, poor guy?
-Ah he deserved it.

I suppose.

Getting a little tired of this kid stuff.

What kind of man are
you anyways, Peyton?

Why, I'm a man's man, Robert.
What'd you have in mind?

(BELCHES)

(BELCHES)

Okay, that's a 12-pack each.
Can we go now, you guys?

Sure thing. Let's go.

-You ready, buddy?
-Ready, Freddie.

Don't you call me that. You call
me that again and I'll kill you.

Freddie is
Robert's disowned older brother.

He went away on big-game safari to
Africa and married a little Pygmy girl.

(BELCHES)

(BOTH BELCHING)

You guys are disgusting.

-First one to puke is a loser.
-Right. 100 bucks.

100 bucks.

-Hey, Peyton. Peyton.
-Barn!

What are you guys doing?

Can't you tell?
They're stinking drunk.

Barn?

Is there something that you can do
to make him spin a little faster?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks, buddy, I appreciate it.

I wouldn't get involved
in this if I were you.

What are friends for?

(FAIRGROUND MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROANING)

Hey, Robert.

(RETCHING)

Hey, what's the matter ace,
you got a problem?

Oh, my lunch.

(RETCHES)

Listen. Listen.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah.

Tell Peyton I'll pay him tomorrow.

(COUGHING)

-How are you feeling?
-I'm fine.

How's Robert?

Robert says you'll get
your money tomorrow.

I guess college didn't teach him
how to be such a good sport, huh?

Shouldn't we go get
something to eat?

-Burgers?
-Yeah.

Well, do you think you could win me
one of those big pink panthers

to match the curtains
in my bathroom?

Sure thing, come on.

Hey, Barn? What's the story
with you and Bernadette?

I don't know. We seem to be
getting along pretty well.

Boy, I'll tell you, that Jane's
one nut I'd really like to crack.

-Hi, Jane.
-Hi.

Where's Rob?

He wasn't feeling too well,
so he had to go home.

You seem a lot more mature
than that punk kid you're with.

Buzz off, pal, okay?

Hey, these guys giving
you some trouble?

Everything's under
control, thank you.

Hey, how old are you buddy?
Thirteen?

-You talking to me?
-Yeah, pal, he's talking to you.

-Are you talking to me?
-He already said he was, Barney.

Well, you must be talking to me.

-I'm the only one here.
-Where am I, Barn?

Enough of this shit.

(JUST FOR FUN PLAYING)

Whoa!

(EXCLAIMING)

Let's get out of here.

-Now that was exciting.
-Oh, it was nothing.

You were fantastic in there.

They were just messing
with the wrong guys.

You know, I hate to say it,
but I think the park is closing soon.

The only problem is
we never got to eat.

Dinner? I accept.

You know, I'd just like to say that,
well, this is really nice.

Do you feel the same way?

JANE: So, this is your studio, huh?

PEYTON: Yeah, what do you think?

It's very interesting.

(CORK SQUEAKING)

-Here we are.
-Maybe later, okay?

What's wrong?

Well, you know, Robert.

-He's taking me to Hawaii for graduation.
-I understand.

I don't want you to do
anything you don't want to.

You don't?

No. I have way too much
respect for you, Jane.

You do?

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I didn't know you liked this kind of music.

I don't know.

Today's music just seems so juvenile.

I find that classical music helps me relax
when I really get uptight about things.

Really? What have you
got to be uptight about?

Yesterday I got my acceptance to Harvard.
So it's between there and Yale.

Only I can't decide whether
to go to pre-med or pre-law.

My dad, he wants me to go to business
college so that I can run his corporation.

You see, if I did that, then he said
he'd start paying me my salary,

after the classes start.

A salary?

Well, it's more like an allowance.

Just 100 grand a year.

Really? Go on.

I shouldn't be bothering
you with these things.

My own private hell.

Oh, no, that's okay. Really.

I feel like I've been going
through some changes lately,

like I'm becoming more mature.

You do seem more mature.

I'm sorry.

-What's wrong?
-I don't know what came over me.

It's okay.

Really.

(KISSING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

JANE: What was that?
PEYTON: What was what?

That flash. Something flashed.

It must have been in your mind.
I guess that means something.

Do you remember that time
that Peyton scared Mrs. Smith

with that frog from biology class?

Yeah, yeah. I loaned him that frog.

I never got it back.

You know, I'll kill you
if you tell anybody this,

but I had a crush on
Peyton in fifth grade.

Really?

-Did he know?
-Oh, no, no way.

I had three crushes a year till eighth
grade and I never told any of them.

-How about you, Barney?
-What?

Who did you have a crush on?

Oh, nobody.

You're turning red, Barney.
Come on, you can tell me.

Well, I did have a crush on
Pamela Browning in the sixth grade.

Well, did you tell her?
What happened?

She got pregnant and
they sent her away.

No, no.

Well, you just have to be
careful, that's all.

Yeah.

So...

What do you wanna do tonight?

I don't know.

Watch TV, mess around,
whatever you wanna do.

Mess around sounds good.

(GOT TO BELIEVE IN MAGIC PLAYING)

That's my mom.

I'll walk you out.

♪ Take me to your heart

♪ Show me where to start

♪ Let me play the part of your first love

♪ All the stars are right

♪ Every wish is ours tonight

♪ My love

♪ Pity those who wait

♪ Trusting love to fate

♪ Finding out too late that they've lost it

♪ Never letting go

♪ They will never know the ways of love

♪ You got to believe in magic

♪ Tell me how two people find each other

♪ In a world that's full of strangers

Stop, stop. No. Please.

♪ You've got to believe in magic

♪ Something stronger than a moon above

♪ 'Cause it's magic when
two people fall in love

♪ I may never know

♪ Why I need you so

♪ All I need to know is this feeling

♪ Handle it with care

♪ We were born to share this dream, my love

♪ You got to believe in magic

♪ Tell me how two people find each other

♪ In a world that's full of strangers

♪ You got to believe in magic

♪ Something stronger than the moon above

♪ 'Cause it's magic when
two people fall in love

♪ You got to believe in magic

♪ Tell me how two people find each other

♪ In a world that's full of strangers

♪ You got to believe in magic

♪ Something stronger than the moon above

♪ 'Cause it's magic when
two people fall in love

♪ Got to believe in magic

♪ Tell me how two people find each other

♪ In a world that's full of strangers

♪ You got to believe in magic

♪ Something stronger than the moon above

♪ 'Cause it's magic when
two people fall in love

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-Robert, feeling better?
-Yeah. There you go, it's all there.

Thanks. No hard feelings, right?

No, no hard feelings.

In fact, if you wanna try
some real gambling,

we got a roulette wheel
at the frat house.

Roulette, huh? I'm sorry, Robert,
I think that's way out of my league.

I think you owe me a shot
at getting my money back.

Tomorrow night. How about it?

Well,

I got a feeling I'm gonna be real sorry.

-Okay, I'll be there.
-Good deal. I'll see you there.

-Okay.
-Sorry I'm late, Robert.

Yeah, come on, let's go.

-Jane, should we tell him about us?
-And ruin my trip to Hawaii? No way.

Look, whatever happened last night,
I faked every bit of it.

Jane.

That's why it was so good.

(HONKS HORN)

-Come on, what's the holdup?
-Oh, I'm coming, Robert.

It's here, boss. It's here.

Your response to your ad
in this morning's personals.

-Go on.
-She agrees to your plan.

-"Pink carnations at Alfredo's tonight."
-But I said Giuseppe's.

She said Alfredo's is more romantic,
and I agree.

Okay, this is it. Oh, God.
I'm excited already.

I think she's the woman
I've been waiting for.

-What do you think?
-Well, here. What's your horoscope say?

"A casual encounter may be
the hot affair you've been waiting for,

if you don't choke."

You know, Barney, I'm the last person
I thought would be excited

over the senior prom,
and now I can't wait.

Yeah, neither can I.

(HORN HONKING)

-Hey, Barn.
-Hey, Peyton.

Why don't you go inside?
I'll be right there.

Okay.

Hey, where you been?
I've been looking all over for you.

I've been around.

Hey, Peyton, I got
a date for the prom.

You and Bernadette, huh? Great.

Now, listen, we got invited
to a frat party tonight,

and they're gonna have
a roulette wheel.

I got it all figured out. You do
your thing and we'll make a fortune.

We'll break those idiots.

I don't know, Peyton. I kind of wanted
to go out with Bernadette tonight.

Oh, Barn, you can't pass this up.

Look, you can go out
with Bernadette anytime.

-Ask her along if you want.
-All right, I'll ask her.

A roulette wheel? Barney, I thought
you were a scientist, not a racketeer.

What's the big deal?

Go ahead and use your power gambling
all the time. I won't stop you.

I just hope you like
being Peyton's clone.

Come on, Bernadette,
it's just this one time.

Oh, sure, tomorrow night
you'll probably go to Las Vegas.

-Hey, not a bad idea.
-Tomorrow night's the prom.

Think I'd rather go alone anyway.

(ZAPPING)

-Let me go, Barney.
-I'll call you later, okay?

Barn, sometimes life
is like an onion.

When you peel it, it makes you cry.

-Just leave me alone, okay?
-Barn, she'll go to the prom with you.

-Look, I'll pick you up at 8:00, okay?
-Yeah, okay.

See you later.

(SINGING) My date is a roulette wheel

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHUCKLING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Rose.

I never dreamed it was you.

Nor I.

Are you...

You are the sensual,

witty, intense, middle-aged man

who wants to live
life to the fullest.

And you are the affectionate,
complex, adventurous woman

with an unbridled joy for living.

Joie de vivre, I said.

French.

(UNZIPPING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Rose. Darling.

Very nice. Thank you.

I don't understand, sir.
You haven't ordered yet.

-We'd like a little more time.
-Very well, sir. Call me when you're ready.

-We'd like a little more time.
-Very well, sir. Call me when you're ready.

(MOANING)

MISS BURNHART: Walter. Walter.

(KNOCKING ON TABLE)

Is everything all right here?

We'd like the house...

(STAMMERING)

Burgundy, please.

Yes, sir.

PEYTON: Keep your eye on the little ball.
BARNEY: What little ball?

-What?
-I'm kidding.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Hey, glad you could make it.
Get yourself some chips.

Thanks, Robert, don't mind if I do.

Now we got it, number 29.
Twenty-nine, black.

They'll kill us when they
find out what we've done.

We're gonna have to give up
our concubine maid.

What are you worried about, Larry?
You beat off every night anyway.

Why don't you quit acting
like such a fat turd? Larry, come on.

Here we go. New blood in here.
All right.

-How you doing?
-Fine.

DEALER: Okay, let's go.

Someone's gotta win. Let's go.
Place your bets. Place your bets, everyone.

Place your bets.

-All right, let's try it, pal.
-DEALER: Okay, here we go.

Place your bets, everyone.

Watch the ball. Watch the ball.
Here we go. Place your bets.

Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Watch that ball bounce. Watch it bounce.

Eighteen black.

-Eighteen black is the winner.
-There's something funny going on.

DEALER: Sorry, you lose.

Place your bets, everyone. Place your bets.

Let's get some money down. Come on.

Place your bets, everyone.

Look at that ball bounce around.

And it's 36... What? Make that 43 red.

(DEALER STAMMERING)

(ALL MURMURING)

You're a winner.

Let's go. Haven't we won enough?

Barney, we're just hitting our stride.

If we get good at this,
then we will hit Vegas.

We'll be set for life.

What are you talking about?

Oh, what I'm saying, Barney,
is you've gotta think big.

There's no other way to think.

Twenty-eight black.

All of it.

-I don't wanna do it anymore.
-Well, this is it.

All's I need is one more throw.

(ZAPPING)

(ALL SCREAM)

I'm really sorry, Peyton.

Hey, Wolcott,
what's going on around here?

How the hell did that happen?

That's what we're gonna find out.

Look, everybody out of here.
Let's go. Now.

That wheel was rigged.
That's what set it off.

-I don't know what you're talking about.
-Rigged? You scumbag.

-We want our money back.
-Yeah.

Come on, let me get him.

(ALL CLAMORING)

-Hey, Barney, wait.
-Leave me alone.

Hey, come on, man, what the
hell's the matter with you?

Can't we talk about this?

Peyton, I don't wanna talk about
anything. Just leave me alone.

Hello. This is Barney Springboro.
May I speak with Bernadette, please?

Okay. Yeah, thank you. Bye.

DEXTER: Them women are trouble,

First come the woman
and then the whiskey,

And then the whiskey,
And then the whiskey,

Okay, move it up a little bit
on the left. That's good. Okay.

No, not quite so far.

Now on the right just down,
just about 6 inches.

Now on the right just down,
just about 6 inches.

That's pretty good.

No, no, no, on the left,
put it down just a little bit.

Just a little bit.

What happened to you, Barney?

I don't know.

-Can we talk?
-Okay.

-Bernadette, I'm sorry.
-Oh, what about?

About the gambling,
about acting like an idiot.

-I'm through with it. It's over.
-I'm very happy for you.

Bernadette, please,
don't be mad at me.

Go to the prom with me. I mean,
we have fun together, don't we?

I never felt this way
with anyone before.

Well, I volunteered
for the prom committee.

-I had to get to the prom somehow.
-Well, there's no problem.

You can just go with me.

Well, I have to be here really early
to help with the decorations and stuff.

-Let's just meet there, okay?
-See you there.

(SNORING)

Barney,

Father Gallagher and Father Murray
would like to speak with you.

Well, not now, Mom,
I'm going to the prom.

-Excuse me.
-Shall we begin the exorcism?

What are you talking about?
What exorcism?

Father, let me go. Father.

-The tranquilizers, please.
-Come on, I gotta go to the prom.

Ma, help me...

(GAGGING)

(GULPS)

-I'm gonna throw up.
-That's one of the devil's favorite lines.

(RECITING IN LATIN)

(ZAPPING)

What did I tell you?

(SOBBING)

(RECITING IN LATIN)

(GARGLING)

Keep him away from me. Please. Please.

(ZAPPING)

(PRIESTS EXCLAIMING)

I'm going now, Mom.

(CHUCKLING)

(RECITING IN LATIN)

-Oh, hello, Fathers.
-Hello.

(STAR SPANGLED BABY PLAYING)

♪ She's a star spangled baby

♪ From New York to L.A.

♪ Dallas to Chicago and
the San Francisco Bay

♪ Star spangled baby

♪ She's a belle of New Orleans

♪ A blue-jeaned American beauty

♪ Bursting at the seams
America's queen

♪ She's just seventeen

♪ America's queen

♪ She's just seventeen

♪ She's just seventeen

♪ She's just seventeen

(ALL CHEERING)

Okay, okay, seniors,
may I have your attention, please?

I have a very important
introduction to make.

Your class president,
Bernadette Holland, is going to reveal

who is the prom king and queen.

You know, Walt, looking at
these pretty young girls makes me feel

kind of old and ugly,
but not as ugly as you.

Ain't this a bitch?
Look who's talking.

Welcome, seniors,
I hope you're having a good time.

(ALL CHEERING WILDLY)

This year's prom queen is ...
Jane Mitchell.

(ALL CHEERING)

Congratulations, Jane.

-Congratulations,
-Oh, thank you, I love you all,

This year's prom king is ...
Peyton Nichols.

(ALL CHEERING)

-Congratulations, Peyton.
-Thank you, Bernadette.

I'd just like to say it's been a great year.

Okay, let's get on with it.

The king and queen will lead us
in the next dance.

Let's everybody have a good time!

(KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS PLAYING)

♪ We're the king and queen of hearts

♪ Hold me when the music starts

♪ All my dreams come true

♪ When I dance with you

♪ Promise me you're mine tonight

♪ I won 't wait in line tonight

♪ While the lights are low

♪ I'll never let you go

♪ Did I dream that we danced forever?

♪ In a wish that we made together

♪ On a night that I prayed would never end

♪ You know it's not my imagination

♪ Or the part of the orchestration

♪ Love was here at the coronation

♪ I'm the king and you're the queen of hearts

♪ Time will pass and tears will fall

♪ But someday we'll both recall

But someday we'll both recall

♪ Moments made of these

♪ Golden memories

-You look really pretty.
-You don't look so bad yourself.

Oh.

-I brought this for you. It's one of mine.
-It's beautiful.

Oh, I love it, Barney.

-Can you pin it on me?
-Oh, sure.

Thanks.

-Do you wanna dance?
-Oh, no, I can't dance.

Don't be chicken, Barney.

-I don't know how.
-I'll lead. It's easy.

-Come on.
♪ Did I dream that we danced forever

♪ In a wish that we made together

♪ On a night that I prayed would never end

♪ You know it's not my imagination

♪ Or a part of the orchestration

♪ Love was here at the coronation

♪ I'm the king and you're the queen of hearts

(ALL CHEERING)

Now that wasn't so bad,
was it, Barney, huh?

Hey, you two are looking great. I mean it.

-You're a handsome devil, Barn.
-Thanks.

-You look pretty good, too.
-Thanks. Still mad at me, Barn?

-Excuse me for a minute.
-See?

Everything's patched up
with you and Bernadette.

You got nothing to worry about.

-Here, Barn.
-What's this?

Airline tickets.

Look, last night was kid's stuff.
We can go all the way.

Big time, Las Vegas.

-Is this a joke?
-Barn, we just need one more shot.

No way, Peyton, forget it.

It was worth a try.

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, well, would you two
like some refreshments?

Plenty of punch left in those
watermelons over there.

Looks like you've had your share.

Oh, I've had a little,
but I'd sure love some more.

I've had just about enough of you, buddy.
We've got a score to settle.

-Last night.
-Hey, don't get excited.

Look, I wanna be pals, okay?

I brought you something.
It's to make up for what happened.

I'm really not such a bad guy.

And just to show you
there's no hard feelings, Robbie,

I want you to have this.

It's from my personal collection.

Holy shit.

A portrait of the queen.
Collector's item. Limited edition.

One of 500.

(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)

(ZAPPING)

(JANE SHRIEKING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Thanks, Barn, I knew you were a pal.

(ZAPPING)

(ZAPPING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Barn, I just wanted to say
I'm really sorry about that Las Vegas stuff.

I'll forget I even had the idea, okay?

Put her there, pal.

(EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHING)

(SHRIEKING)

Jane.

(ZAPPING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

(ALL CLAMORING)

Barney, what are you doing?

(ZAPPING)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ZAPPING)

(MURMURING)

(LAUGHING)

(ZAPPING)

(ZAPPING)

Barney!

(ZAPPING)

(LAUGHING)

(GIRL SCREAMING)

(GASPING)

DEXTER: At it again.

(LAUGHING)

This way, Rose.

(GASPS)

Oh, no, you don't. You son of a bitch.

Barney, don't you think
enough is enough?

Let's get out of here.
Oh, I'm sorry. Are you all right?

Barney.

Are you all right, buddy?

(SIGHS)

Oh, this power is more trouble
than it's worth.

Try lifting your head up.
Are you in pain?

Something happened.

My head is tingling.

-I've lost it.
-What?

The power. I've lost it.

Wow, hitting your head
and getting knocked unconscious

must have shifted things
back to normal.

Well, at least you weren't hurt.

I knew it was too good to last.

(COUPLE EXCLAIMING)

I'll see you, Bernadette.

-I'll keep in touch.
-Take it easy.

(SIGHS)

I guess this kind of messes up
your research, huh?

Guess it kind of does.

Well, no more exploding clothes
for the telekinetic kid.

You'll just have to do it
with your own two hands.

(READY OR NOT PLAYING)

(SNEEZES)

(ZAPPING)

Oh, thank you.

-Bernadette.
-What?

-Can I give you a lift home?
-Barney! Barney.

What are you doing?
Wait a minute. Barney?

Barney?

♪ Someone's playing tricks on me

♪ Where's that quiet kid I used to be?

♪ Not long ago

♪ The one I used to know

♪ Suddenly I feel so strange

♪ Magically my whole life has been changed

♪ Turned inside out

♪ It makes me want to shout

♪ Here I am, take a look at me

♪ I'm high as a kite and I'm twice as free

♪ Like a dream that was meant to be

♪ This time it's mine

♪ And I'm not running away like I did before

♪ I'm not gonna hide from it anymore

♪ Gonna find what I'm looking for

♪ This time it's mine

♪ Now that I've got my shot

♪ And I'm coming to get what
you got if you're ready or not

♪ I was playing hide-and-seek

♪ Staying out of sight

♪ Till your love discovered me

♪ I was blinded by the light

♪ Now I see the light

♪ Here I am, take a look at me

♪ I'm high as a kite and I'm twice as free

♪ Like a dream that was meant to be

♪ This time it's mine

♪ And I'm not running away like I did before

♪ I'm not gonna hide from it anymore

♪ Gonna find what I'm looking for

♪ This time it's mine

♪ Now that I got my shot

♪ And I'm coming to get what
you got if you're ready or not

♪ I'm coming to get what
you got if you're ready or not

♪ Here I am, take a look at me

♪ I'm high as a kite and I'm twice as free

♪ Like a dream that was meant to be

♪ This time it's mine

♪ And I'm not running away like I did before

♪ I'm not gonna hide from it anymore

♪ Gonna find what I'm looking for

♪ This time it's mine

♪ Now that I got my shot

♪ And I'm coming to get what
you got if you're ready or not

♪ Here I am, take a look at me

♪ I'm high as a kite and I'm twice as free

♪ Like a dream that was meant to be

♪ This time it's mine

♪ Now that I got my shot

♪ And I'm coming to get what
you got if you're ready or not

♪ I'm coming to get what you
got if you're ready or not