Zakir Khan: Haq Se Single (2017) - full transcript

Unabashedly Single!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Zakir Khan.

His eyes keep roving

Drinking like a bawse!

He got two straws!

In his one glass

No one's ahead

Nobody's behind

All of us are single

With Pride



Unabashed!

I'm my own king

and I'm my own

I never let anyone

Do just what they want

No one's ahead of us

Nobody's behind

All of us are single

With Pride

Unabashed!

Please sit, sit.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, guys.

Thanks a lot,



'Haq Se' section.

I hope no one's got their
kids here by mistake.

I'll say my bit and go,
I've got nothing to lose.

Unnecessarily your child
will mature beyond years.

You know, as a kid,
you don't understand everything.

There are a lot of things
that you record in your mind

but only understand
it when you're older.

Right? Right?

For instance,
it was my father's birthday,

and an lady came over.

She brought flowers for dad

and chocolates for me.

Everything was nice, she pulled
my cheeks and made me sit on her lap.

Basically, the men of the
house were happy with her.

It was all going fine.

But I don't know... Why my
mother had a problem with her.

Mummy got angry.

She started fidgeting, fixing things
and went into the kitchen.

I went after her saying,
"Mummy, mummy, mummy."

I must have been four and a half,
five years old maybe.

I was behind her going,
"Mummy, mummy, mummy..."

She turned around and said,
"Why are you following me?

Go and ask who'll have tea!"

I went out and asked my dad,
"Dad will you have tea?"

My dad said yes.

While asking the lady, I blurted,

"MUMMY will you have tea?"

There was an awkward silence.

The lady blushed.

Dad smiled, nervously.

You're getting it, right?

The lady was like...

And dad...

This is where mummy comes in.

She brings her 'A' game.

My mother is a boss politician.

She yelled, "Shameless,
you have no sense!

Apologise to your aunt."

The lady also brushed it off.

She said, "It's okay, he's just a kid."

Then she picked me up,
took me outside the room and said,

"Son..."

Very sweetly she said,

"Son, it's just that
I didn't say yes in time,

or you'd be calling me 'Mummy'."

She said this and let me off.

I didn't get it then.

But now when I think of it...

I feel an increasing sense
of respect for my father.

No matter what he does,

my dad is a total stud!

Anyway, as you grow up, you go ahead,

change cities and learn new things...

But I feel, a guy truly learns
when he has a girl in his life.

I mean only a girl can
help evolve a guy's personality,

guys don't help in this matter.

Because a person pushes
his limit, in love.

Yes...

One day my friend asked,
"Do you want to eat sushi?"

I said, "Get lost!
I'm not eating uncooked fish!"

This was when I used to
chat with a girl.

You know those girls who are
good at everything. Life is sorted.

Good at studying,
theatre-society regulars,

knows how to sing,

knows how to cook,

knows how to embroider

AND,

she's also daddy's little angel!

Now I couldn't believe
that such a happy girl exists.

So I decided to stay vigilant.

Because this was during
the 'Angel Priya' time

where one couldn't gauge
if it was fake or real.

Secondly, a beautiful and happy girl,

is talking to me?

I mean...

One day she asked me,
"Hey...uh... let's meet.

Let's catch up."

I said, "Where?"

She said, "Sushi restaurant."

Now I've never seen sushi.

Haven't been to a restaurant
or eaten it either.

In fact, I just refused my friend
this morning.

I was thinking what to do.

Should I say no?
What should I tell her?

How should I tell her?

Five minutes passed by...

And she sent me another text.

'You know sushi, right?

You comfortable with it.
You know what it is?'

Okay.

Do you guys know what an atom is?

It's the smallest unit...

Inside it there are three particles.

Protons, Electrons and Neutrons.

Electrons, the lightest particle!

Now, if you cut that up in four.

The one-fourth piece of that Electron...

That's how big the male ego is.

And with that question
she hurt my male ego.

I said, "Just a minute.

Did I ever tell you about my passion?"

She said, "No..."

I laughed,
"Oh, hahahaha!"

"Hahahaha!"

I used to be a writer then.
I said, "Writing's my profession."

She said, "Okay and passion?"

I said, "Sushi."

She asked, "So when do we meet?"

I said, "Today and right away."

Now, your brother is a warrior.

He accepts every challenge.

I said, alright.
Let's go to the restaurant.

Look, I was being vigilant.

I entered the restaurant from this gate.

She entered from the other one.

I saw her, she matched her photo.

Those were the days, without filters.

She saw me,

recognised me,

and was suddenly possessed.

She shouted from afar,

"HIII!"

I was like, what the hell just happened.

Just then the waiter arrived,
"Sir, may I help you, sir?

Sir, may I help you, sir?"

I told him, not me her.

Get her a seat,
give her some water,

maybe sprinkle some
cold water on her as well.

Also I don't get the useless
questions that the waiters ask,

"Sir, table for two, sir?"

I said, "Come here.

Can't you see the lust in my eyes?!"

Finally we sat.

Both of us.

The restaurant had gone
all out Japanese.

Sushi...

They had put up dragons, boss.

I too was in full form,
a complete charmer.

I was, "Oh, you know,
like, hahahaha..."

She was also acting cute,
"Yeah, yeah... Really? Hahaha."

Just then the waiter arrived,
"Sir, would you like to order?"

I asked for some friedpapad and mint chutney.

I mean, I didn't know!

What does one get there?

So this waiter looks at me with,
'You don't belong here' look.

Then he noticed
that I was with a girl.

Now there is this one thing
that is pretty amazing about guys.

The moment they see
a guy with a girl,

99% of them implement the common code,

which is, 'The Legendary Bro Code.'

A guy who's with a girl is forgiven
three over smart mistakes.

Because we get it, brother.

We get it.

You're trying.

You would've heard guys say this,
during a fight,

"Look, I'm letting you go
because you're with a girl.

This guy...

Means it.

So the next time
your husband, boyfriend

or the apple of your eye,

acts like a 'Protector Supreme Fuckface'...

Tell him, 'You've been saved
many a times because of us too.

It's only because of you that
he's spared a thrashing.'

Otherwise, he'd be in a torn shirt,
three teeth missing,

asking for his phone.

"No, please. My phone...

Just please give me the phone...
Please. I'm...

I'm sorry... My phone, please.

Please just give me
my phone back, please..."

So the waiter saw
that I was with a girl.

As a discount, he said,

"Sir, we don't have papad, sir.
Are wafers alright?"

I said, "Yeah, anything crispy will do."

We began talking...

On the table, there are three
box-type things kept.

Those small little cup-like things?

One has water with
a few cut green chillies.

The other has red chutney for momos,

and the third, a green mint chutney.

And I like mint chutney.

The waiter bought wafers.

Big, huge wafers.

And there was no spoon.

So then I...
I mean you understand, right?

You know, it's difficult to dip...

So I took the chutney
and put it on the wafer.

Spread it nice and even.

The moment I had a bite...

There was darkness.

I saw...

Lord Brahma standing on the left.

Two steps on his right was Baba Nanak,

and between the two appeared Jesus.

They seemed like friends hanging
around with hands on the shoulder.

And from the back,
I could see the light of Allah!

And all four of them told me,

"Listen...

This isn't mint chutney."

Who all know what sushi is,
raise your hands.

Who all don't know
what sushi is, at all.

It's okay, even I didn't know.

Your brother is here.

He won't go without telling you.

So sushi, basically is...

Shit wrapped in stinky rice!

You haven't missed a thing.

Nothing!

And it has to be eaten with poison.

What is it called?

What's the name?

(Audience prompts)

Wasabi?! It should be called
the devil's cum!

Dude, my whole body was on fire!

All my orifices opened up!

I mean it got so bad that my soul left
my body and stood at the door,

"What now?

Should I just go?

Are you listening?

Should I leave?

Can you bear this pain, yes or no?"

I said, "No, no.
Please come back, come back."

Now, the people endorsing
sushi always tell you,

"Oh, come on,
it's an acquired taste."

Why? Is it anal sex?

That I must make a habit of?!

If it tastes good, it does!

If it doesn't, it doesn't!

Move on!

Back at the restaurant,
people came around me.

The girl kept asking, "Are you alright?

Are you alright? Are you alright?"

So did the waiter, "Sir sir, sir.
Sir, water, sir!

Sir, sugar, sir!

Sir, honey, sir!"

And I was so irritated
that I wanted to punch someone.

I had to go to the bathroom
to come back to life.

Took me ten minutes.

I came back,
my date was a disaster.

At least that's what it was in my mind.

I sat down. We talked for a bit.
Restored some normalcy.

And suddenly she threw a nuclear bomb.

But of course, I couldn't care less.

Firm.

She said, "Uh... Listen, I just
want to be very clear about this.

This is our first meeting and I don't
want to you to have any wrong ideas...

That... You know, I really like you but

I just want to be only friends with you.

And...

And I don't want to have
any kind of relationship.

And I don't want you to
have any kind of idea about it."

I said, "Yeah yeah. Totally."

But, I mean such a lovely girl.

Such a happy girl.

How could I not fall in love?

I thought she's the best.

I just want her in my life.

We continued to meet three-four times

and on the fifth, I proposed.

I said, "Listen, come here."

She said, "Yes?"

I said, "I love you."

She said, "No, I had told you..."

I said, "Hahaha, no no no,
I don't want an answer.

I love you."

"But I have... I mean... I..."

I said, "Listen...
I don't need an answer."

She asked, "Then what are you doing
and why are you doing this?"

I said, "I'm expressing
my love and reserving my seat.

Reserving my chances."

She said, "Will this affect..."

I said, "It won't affect a thing.
Let's go. Let's go.

Nothing, nothing. Let's go."

Now it was all going well
and hunky dory.

You know one-sided love,
it's the most beautiful phase.

Firstly...

Firstly, nobody will agree
but I want to say this,

one-sided love is also a relationship.

One minute!

Just because she is not
participating in this,

it does not mean that I am not
investing in this relationship.

And the most beautiful thing
about one-sided relationships is that

it does not depend on anyone.

It's all about how you feel.

If it's love, it's love.

And it's so volatile!

So... So filled with action,
this one-sided love affair!

Do you know why?
In a normal relationship,

the day you fall in love, you win.

And the day you break-up, you lose.

But one-sided relationships
are beautiful...

Because you win everyday

and you lose everyday.

I was completely in love, dude.

It is like, my dil goes hmm...
hmm... hmm.

We started meeting...

Have you seen how boyfriends walk?

Like they are going
to drop dead any moment.

"Do you want to eat something?"

And have you ever seen a guy
who is chasing a girl?

The way he walks...
He has a different charm on his face!

Like... "Yeah, yeah!"

He agrees to every single thing...

You just want to see
the other person happy

and you crave for their approval...

One day we were talking and she said,

"Do you watch cricket?"

I said, "Of course."

She said, "I also watch cricket!"

I thought, 'Oh man!

How awesome is she!

I mean she watches cricket!'

She says, "I just want to tell you that

I don't think Sachin is
that great a batsman."

I was like, "What? What,
what, what?"

She said, "No, the younger
boys are so much better.

They're like,
they're so raw.

Like, Virat Kohli abuses, like, right?

But he plays, like, he plays also,
like, he doesn't behave like a God,

like, I want to like, like...

And he's not, like, greedy
about his centuries and all..."

And in my head I'm like...

"AYE!

Sachin is the true big
daddy of them all, okay?!"

But within you, resides a guy...

He is looking to hook you up,

and will give you
the best advice in life.

I was about to say,

"Sachin? You don't know
a thing about him..."

It was on the tip of my tongue

but then that guy inside asked,

"Tell me one thing,
do you want to kiss Sachin?

So then, shut up."

I said...

She asked me, "What do you think?
What do you think?"

I said, "Yeah, yeah."

One day when we met, I noticed

her hair is all tied up and oiled.

And she's not wearing kajal too.

The 'No-Kajal Look',

is always a statement.

It says something.

Are you listening to this?

It is the laugh of approval.

It says something.
Now we have an institute...

A small research and
development institute called

'The Sakt Launda Institute of Research'.

Our head scientist submits
various papers on this subject.

His name is Zakir Khan.

It is fun to refer to yourself
in the third person.

He writes papers and
keeps submitting them.

So in this research that we have...

It talks about the 'No-Kajal Look'.

The 'No-Kajal Look' is always
a statement. It's never empty.

It says something.

It is either 'I'm not well'

or 'I'm breaking up' or 'things
at home are not great'...

And the research has come up with
a very interesting reason for it.

I am sure there are other reasons too.

One of the reasons is called,

The 'Run-Up Look'.

This look is in force when a new, hot,
stud has moved in the neighbourhood.

And she is in dire
need of his attention.

So what happens is...

She doesn't wear Kajal for two days.

And on the third day
when she does,

the whole world
goes crazy and says

"Who is this girl?"

And everyone starts dancing
and singing around her,

"Oh you beautiful angel,
the one after my heart,

you are the queen of
youth and gorgeous of all,

beauty soap bar Nirma!"

Now I noticed that

she's not wearing Kajal.

I've been around her for a while.

So, the 'No Kajal Look' is not for me.

I thought, there is a question
that needs to be asked here,

which is...

"What happened?"

She said, "Man, I just wanted
to tell you that...

I'm going through a very bad phase."

I asked, "As in, what do you mean?

Tell me... I'm listening."

She says, "There's a guy in my college,
and we were together for three years...

And then he proposed me.

And now... Things are not...

Everything is haywire.

I am just going through a very
bad phase and I'm breaking up with him."

I'm listening to her with
all my attention. With rapt attention

using all the keywords
to show that I'm listening.

"Yeah yeah, totally."

I'm saying, "Of course,
Oh my God!

What a shitty person!
Who does this?

No no no no,
you were absolutely right.

Absolutely correct.

That's what you should've done.

What you did is right..."

I'm saying all these things,

"Yes, yes." Listening attentively.

But there is this guy
who resides in you.

He has his own commentary on,

and is doing a Harsha Bhogle.

He's saying,

"Come on, come on, come, come!"

"Come on, come on, come, come!"

But after listening
to her side of the story,

I understood a girl's
point of view for the first time.

How they view a relationship.

What I understood is,

that a lot of times,
they sink to their lowest

to save a relationship.

Things they normally
wouldn't do for anyone,

they would do it for them.

But when you push them hard,

that's when they snap.

Then they are like,
'Okay, now...

I'm done.'

You must've seen this...

They'll say things like, "Can't
live without you, stay without you,

I'll dust and sweep for you,
clean your toilet,

I'll do anything and everything...

Get out of my sight, asshole.

But guys... I'm a guy too.

I'll tell you our side right now.

Guys have a problem.

We are genetically
and emotionally not evolved.

Because, we were busy fighting wars.

Fighting is stupid...

But that's what we were
doing for many years.

Now that it's stopped.

We have to bring
emotions to the table.

But... We didn't bring those.

They got left behind
some 400 years ago...

That's why in most relationships,

guys over-commit and under-deliver.

We just talk the talk,
but don't walk the walk.

So, when you see a girl
bending over backwards for you,

you feel wow, such an amazing girl.

What a nice girl.

Come, let's become a better human.

But now the girl...

Just see how both their
directions have gone apart.

The girl is thinking...

Now...

Just make one mistake.

That's why guys aren't able
to contemplate their break ups.

Their thing is, "Dude, I was just..."

I mean they get very incident-specific.

They don't get that

this whole drama has been
going on for quite sometime.

So they get really incident
specific like, "Dude, ya..."

"Bro, I'd gone to
the toilet... I was shitting...

She asked me how much time
I'm going to take.

I said, "Two minutes" but when
I came out after four, she was gone!

I mean I took two extra minutes
and she broke up with me?!

Bro, tell me who does this?"

I said, "No, asshole, this
was a pile up of all the old stuff."

One day we met and I said,

"Let's have something Indian,
enough of your fancy places."

She said, "Okay, okay."

We reached. Got a seat.

Now I have 360 degree vision.

We were talking and
looking at the menu.

And I notice this guy
coming toward us.

He's getting closer...

And all over his face,
it's written, 'I'm fucked'.

Now he has come really close.

He stops at our table.
Just standing.

I'm trying to ignore,
but have all my attention on him.

I'm also trying to read the menu
because I'm really hungry.

He comes up to the table and says,

"Reema...

Can I talk to you for two minutes?"

I got irritated and said 'Motherfucker!'

My true emotions, of course.

You understood who this was?

Now these two, start talking...

I'm stuck between them.
What do I do.

I don't know if I can
interrupt or not.

Because firstly, this guy
hasn't even buttoned up properly.

What do I tell him
in the middle of all this?

Okay?

Secondly, he's crying and everything.

He's talking to her.

And third, he wasn't being aggressive,

so I wasn't even getting
a chance to intervene.

Fourth, I'm not even her boyfriend,

to tell him things...

And fifth. This dude
knows her from so long.

I mean of course they should talk.

He knows her for past seven years,

the least he can do is talk to her.

I thought maybe I should play
the alpha male card.

Maybe I should just
push and slap him away.

She might get impressed...

"You are my man!"

I don't know. Who knows?

WHO the hell knows?
Does anyone really know this game?

I don't know.
What are we supposed to do?

We're all trying!

Do whatever that will work.

And to top it all I was famished.

So I decided,

to call for biryani.

Now here he is
talking to her and...

I'm eating but I can hear everything.
I'm listening to every word!

I'm a very judgmental person.

I am so judgmental that...

You know your parents say, "Do it,
or what will people say?"

I'm one of those people.

Now, he's saying such
sweet things to her.

He said...

"Everything about my future...

I have always imagined with you.

Now when you're not there,
I cannot imagine my future."

Such a sweet thing to say.

Like, so sweet.

But here I'm being judgmental!

I am completely judging him.

I'm thinking, 'Then this
is your lack of imagination!

You can imagine something better, dude!'

These two are still talking...

And this boy is going full tilt,
it's a scene.

And she's scolding him,

"Why are you here? Are you
trying to stalk me? Are you stalking me?

Are you stalking me?
Are you stalking me?!"

And he's like, "No no no no,
I just wanted to see you."

This was obviously a dick move by him.

Why... Why did he have to come here?

Then there was a moment
when he held her hand.

I slammed my spoon!

He thought there'll be a fight now.

The girl thought the same.

And girls don't want a fight...

Mostly.

Physical fighting,
they just want to avoid.

Because that's the right thing to do.

You would've seen, if a girl thinks
a fight is going to break out,

they'll do everything to stop it!

She'll use all her energy.
Have you seen it?

She'll do anything to stop it,

"No guys please!
Stop it! Stop it! No! No! No!

Please please! Back off! Back off!

No no no no! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!
Please! Please! Please please!

Don't don't don't fight!
Stop it!"

And the guys would have to
calm her down,

"Dude, Dalbir, wait!
Just stop.

Hold it for a second.

Madam, are you okay?

No, do you need some water?

We can fight on the next turn too,
no problem!"

Now, both are looking at me.

And I don't know why
they are looking at me.

I said, "No no,
you guys continue fighting..."

I called the waiter,
"Hey, come here!

Who puts cardamom in biryani?"

Both these guys are talking
to each other and I'm listening.

And look, happiness is like a bulb.

The light has to reach you

but sorrow is like a blackhole.

It just sucks you in.

I was indulging in their conversation
and was completely lost.

He was telling her,

"I may be able to get rid of you
but how do I get rid of your memories?

And if you had to leave,

why did you buy me all
these shirts instead of T-shirts?

Am I supposed to meet another
girl wearing those clothes?

I've been to every restaurant
with you in this city.

All my friends are your friends.

There's no place we
haven't explored together.

Now all those places are dead to me...

This city is dead.

What do I do,
I don't understand a thing.

Am I supposed to quit my job
and go somewhere else?"

He was saying all of these things...

However, I had heard the girl's side,
and the crux of this conversation was...

'Too late'.

So, I'm listening to him.

He's just crying and crying
and falls at her feet.

The situation's gotten tense.

Everyone's dropped their spoons
and are observing them now.

A beautiful girl and a sobbing guy,
is the best scene to watch.

You have all the eyeballs.

And he's touching her feet.

To which I thought, 'Wrong move'.

Okay.

Shouldn't have done that.

He should have some self-respect,

a little bit.

Okay.

That moment she was like, "Now you go.

If you stay here,
I'll stop talking to you."

He says, "No, no, please, please.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

"No, go, just go, just go, just go.

Just go.

I'll call you. I'll call you.
Okay, yes.

I'm here with someone,
try and understand.

I'll call you. I'll call you back.
Bye.

Phew.

Now why are you crying?"

I said, "This has happened with me too."

After a while she went abroad to study.

Australia or something.

Then I was just...

It's not necessary that every stone
you throw will land a fruit.

Some tries are just to prepare yourself.

It's not bad.

Don't be disheartened, brother!

No problem.

We'll stand again, fight again!

I've met lots of different
people in my life.

And this one time
I was in a decent relationship.

Okay.

She was very different
from the previous girl.

She was emotionally very volatile.

Completely unpredictable!

She would go through
emotional ups and downs.

She'd be crying one moment and suddenly
exclaim, "Yes! Let's go someplace!"

I'm like, "Oh shit!"

And I used to worry about it but

you're in a relationship and in love...

One day she texted me saying,

'I am feeling very sad and very low.'

I'm like, 'Again?'

And her scene with books was too much!

Too many books!

She had more books than clothes!

That kind of equation.

And I've never had a major
relationship with books.

My aim in life...

Physics, chemistry, math books...

Are not that important.

Get me a guide and everything's sorted.

Especially a guide in which all
the important points are marked!

I went to her place and saw her crying.

Now, your brother is a warrior.

He doesn't run from any situation
but faces it.

So, like Sherlock Holmes, I calculated
what could've possibly happened...

Now, I knew her
grandmother wasn't well...

I thought...

Come on! She's her grandmother,
not mine!

Why would I be emotional?

I searched my brain for
'when somebody dies',

a speech popped up...

And I hit play.

Now, what are you supposed
to tell a person who is crying?

"Stop crying?"

They know that!

So, if you're consoling someone,

it doesn't really matter what you say

as long as you add just
one emotion after the line.

That is, 'hmm?'

That's it.

So, I began my speech.
I said...

"Don't cry...

Hmm?"

"If she sees you crying like this,
do you think she'll like it?

Hmm?"

"Why? What do you mean?"

I said, "Grandma...? Hmm?"

She said, "No yaa!
My grandmother didn't die!"

I said, "Okay, okay, okay..."

But your brother's a warrior.

Warriors don't abandon the battlefield.

I asked, "What happened?"

Wha...What?

"I keep buying these books

and never have time to read them."

And I'm listening with full attention.

I said, "Yes, yeah?
I keep buying these...

Yes, tell... Tell me what happened.

yeah and?"

She said,

"Will you have some tea?"

I'm just standing there...

She asks, "What?"

I asked, "And then?"

She replies, "That's it."

I just went, "What?!"

She asked, "Do you get it?"

I said, "Yeah, I get it."

She asks, "What should I do?"

I said, "Nothing...

You could read them to me."

She said, "Yes! That's
what we'll do from now on!

Yes! Yes!"

I said, "Alright, fine."

Now, I have office
from nine in the morning,

which I suffer till ten in the night.

Have food and then listen to a book.

Then do some other stuff for a bit.

There's still time...
The day hasn't ended yet.

Now, she will talk about
everything that happened.

Like, "You know what?

It was like two stars meeting...

It was like souls hugging each other...

And you know when you touched me...

the sky was this and the moon was that

and the stars were
this and the cloud was that

and there was the ray
of moon penetrating the clouds

falling on the window...

Nonchalantly touched your cheek."

No matter how poetic that may sound,

it was fucking four in the morning.

And I was sleepy as hell.

You know when your
eyelids shut on their own...

my neck kept drooping, dude!

And to top it all
was this shit 'Nonchalant'?

I was like, 'What was that?'
and woke up!

I was wondering what did she just say?

What is this, 'Nonchalant'?

I thought of going to the bathroom,
she'd used that word twice already,

what if she asks me about it?

I went to the bathroom,
took out my phone

and typed 'Nonchalant'.

No result.

Google also stepped aside!

I said, "Tell me!"

"Huh?"

"Tell me!"

He said, "No I won't..."

I asked, "Why?"

He said, "The spelling is really wrong, dude."

I said, "Huh?"

I must have tried 25 times!

"At least tell me
something related to it..."

He said, "Brother,
if there was any connect,

I would've asked, 'Did you mean'?"

"Okay, fine! I'll try something"

After 25 tries, he asked,

"Are you looking for,
'Nonchalant'?"

I said, "Yes!"

"So why are you writing SH, it's CH..."

I said, "Just tell me, don't
judge my grammar now, tell me!"

It's been 25 minutes...

Right now, in my head
'Nonchalant' means unicorn's shit.

So much effort for this one word.

Somehow my 2G connection
managed to open the page.

And I found out that it meant,

'Effortlessly'!

And I thought, "Just a minute!

The one thing that cannot
possibly mean effortless

is "Non-fucking-chalant!"

I could not listen to books
everyday, anymore!

My ears were bleeding!

I gathered up the courage to tell her.

I said, "Listen, come here.

This relationship
is getting too intense...

You stay at your place
and I'll stay at mine."

She said, "But book, book...

How will I read it to you?"

I said, "You...

You could just read it
to me on the phone...

Yes!"

I thought, 'Of course!'

"Yeah, yeah yeah. Yes! Yes yes!

You could read to me on the phone!"

She said, "Really? You'll listen?"

I said...

"Why not?"

Bro, this wave of happiness
came over my life...

Yes!

I finished three books
in a month, dude!

Six chapters a day!

What do I have to do anyway?

"Hmm, okay, alright!"

So, I would listen to her.

For a month, month and a half

my lovely little scam continued.

And it was brilliant...

But one day...
I was listening to her.

I was, I was paying attention.

I was listening to everything

but what happened was,

I had put my pillow in place...

Okay?

And I had covered myself in blanket...

But I was listening!

Please, I was listening!

I also switched off the lights...

Switched on the AC and set it,
at the sweetest 22 degrees.

Oh! How sweet is 22...

Not hot like 24 degrees
or prickly cold like 21!

Sweet, just sweet!

So, I am listening to her,

but am a bit sleepy as well

and have begun to dream.

But I am still listening!

I don't know if this
has ever happened with you...

I mean, she's talking
but I'm also dreaming

and what she is saying is
randomly fitting into my dreams.

Mixing these two things I say
something completely different.

I said, "So, what did you
tell Aamir Khan?"

She asked, "What? What, what?

You're sleeping, aren't you?

You are sleeping, you're sleeping, right?!"

I said, "No no no no..."
and woke up.

I said, "No, no, I wasn't sleeping.
I'm awake, I'm awake,

I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake!"

I want to say, it doesn't
matter if you're a boy or a girl...

if you're in a relationship
and you catch your partner red-handed,

just forgive them.

Even if he's saying, "No no,
I haven't done anything!"

Because they know that
you have caught them.

Maybe they'll improve?

Now, your brother is a warrior.
He won't give up.

But, turns out,
your Bhabhi is a legend warrior!

She also didn't give up!

She said, "You were sleeping
and you'll admit it!"

She wouldn't rest until
she had my hands twisted,

her knee on my back,

my face in the dirt
as she forced me to say,

"Yes, I was sleeping..."

That is when she felt better.

Even after persuading so much...

this happened five to six times.

That's the problem with nagging...

You tend to become free.

Then you admit it, "Yeah, I slept."

"Last night, did you sleep off?"

"Of course I slept!

It's called sleep and I slept!"

She said, "This is no way to behave!"

I said, "I'll tell you what's a way.

Simple logic, easy to understand...

Day, awake.

Night, asleep!

She said, "You're such a rude guy,
I don't want to talk to you!"

I said, "Wait a minute!
I don't want to talk to you!"

I must've said these words
for the first time...

But the moment I said it
I felt good.

And I realised that, actually...

I don't want to talk to her!

I cut the call.

She didn't call me back and
the next day she was travelling.

I didn't even text!

I mean, is she the only one with ego?

Now I'm thinking,

'Should I break up?!'

Waves of happiness came over me!

My heart was leaping and bounding.

Because what had
always happened with me,

I'd be able to do that.

I was practicing
for different scenarios,

what am I going to say.

And I had planned everything like,
"Listen, listen, listen...

I don't think it's working between us."

And!

Last line... This is not the only line!
It does get complete...

"It's not you, it's me!"

Fifteen days later,
she came back

and texted, 'Hey.'

I replied, 'Hi.'

My breakup plans were
going full steam ahead.

She texted, 'I'm back in town.
Hope you are fine.'

I wrote, 'Fine.'

She said, 'I was thinking
that we should discuss this.'

I wrote back, 'Absolutely.'

I reached home.

Got ready for a breakup.

I reached home, took off my shirt.

Wore a Deadpool t-shirt.

Took off my shoes, my jeans
and wore three-fourths

and slippers!

Just like the 'No-Kajal Look'
is a statement,

the same way slippers
are also a statement.

I will not get ready for you, take that!

It was five o'clock,
in excitement I entered the wrong gully!

I took the stairs,
to her third-floor flat.

That's how much excitement,
was coursing through me!

I was bubbling over!

I rang the bell, she opened the
door and looked at me with a stink eye.

She looked me up and down.

I thought, 'Tick mark!'

'Plan A, successful!'

She said, "Come, come, come, come.

Sit sit sit."

I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I'm comfortable.

I'm comfortable, yeah.
I'm comfortable, yes"

"Sit sit sit sit!"

I said, "Yeah yeah..."

So, I'm just sitting and I heard her.

(sniffles)

You know that sound, from the kitchen...

I thought, 'No no no no,

don't get caught in that! Stay firm...'

So, I'm sitting quietly, just looking
at her house.

I saw she's bought more books.

I said, 'Huh, dude!'

In my heart, I was thinking,
'It's good that I'm breaking up

otherwise I'd have
to listen to these too!'

Let the next one suffer!'

I was sitting and
wasn't paying attention

when she snuck up on
me and stabbed me in the back!

I wasn't alert and she
came up and said,

"Listen! I don't think
it's working between you and me!

And it's not you, it's me!"

I said, 'No! No no no!'

I said, 'No no no no,
please wait, wait, wait, wait!

Lets do this again,
repeat please.

I wasn't paying attention.

I... I... once again, once again!'

I'll go back down,
come up, you open the door...

Let's just do it again...
I'll... I'll...

Dude, you completely
stole my thunder! This is not done!'

You know, it's not like nothing
ever worked out properly!

Things happened one time...

Maybe not as expected,
but it did happen.

I was on Facebook at 10-10:30 pm

and a girl texted saying 'hi'.

One of those rare moments of life?

When a girl says 'hi' on her own.

And this girl had
been my childhood crush.

Big time crush.

You know those girls that

come to math coaching classes in
ninth grade, only for two days?

And those two days seem as though

they've apparated out
of a cloud of perfume.

The whole class is awkward,
everyone's staring.

And then they quit the class

because there are too
many ass-holes around.

Those girls whom you're
always looking for on Facebook.

Like, 'Who was she?

What was her name again?
Neha Sharma?'

Ten lakh people pop up!

She was in a different school,
I was in a different one.

And she had a boyfriend!

The things that are sweet
about a small town is...

that you'd know
everything about everyone.

During our time, we'd look
at the scooty's number plate

and tell you their family history.

So she had a boyfriend.

He was such a disgusting guy
that I can't even elaborate!

But that's the thing,

the heart wants what it wants,
there's no logic to it!

I remember during eleventh grade,
there was this chemistry coaching class.

I always hung out outside.

I saw her coming out of the class
and they were fighting,

and the boy slapped her!

I was like, "What an asshole!"

And such a beautiful,
lovely girl. You...

It's the same thing, the time
when I'd broken up the first time,

the break up story I told
you earlier, and when I saw her...

When you admire someone so
much and something bad happens to them,

your heart breaks too.

I just thought,
'But you were from a fairyland, right?

How could this happen to you?'

But that's the problem
with our generation, see?

We are a generation of
broken hearts and broken people.

You feel your life is bad,

but the other person's is worse!

But I couldn't bear it...

That day, I mustered
the courage to go up to her.

She was crying alone
and no one was talking to her

and her boyfriend had
also left after slapping her...

And I walked up to her and I said,

"Excuse me, please don't cry and I
want to tell you that you deserve better

and I don't think you
should talk to that guy.'

I said what I wanted to,
without any malice or agenda.

She stopped crying.

She looked at me and she said,

"FUCK OFF, YOU CREEP!"

That day,
I learnt an important life lesson,

that intentions don't
matter if you're ugly!

My childhood crush!

She said 'Hi' to me, upfront.

And I knew that I had to win this game.

Whatever happens!

And that guy, was an asshole.

The worse he'd get, the more she'd
worship him and this kept happening!

But how long can an asshole last?

He messed it up in college!

She got angry!

I'd kept myself updated!

So, she sent me a 'Hi'.

I wrote back...

I am a doctor at this stuff!

I wrote back saying, 'So, is that how
you want to start this conversation?'

Now, isn't that a moment?

Isn't it? It is a moment.

She said, 'Oh.'

'Oh' is victory.

We got a reaction, we got a reaction!

But this is just a
pass to run the marathon!

The run hasn't been won yet!

The long fight is yet remaining!

She said, 'Okay.
Tell me something nice.'

Challenge?

Now, your brother is a...

Warrior!

So, I replied with a poem!

I wrote to her...

Many people have heard it.

It's an original.

Listen to it again.

I wrote to her...

She breezed into my life like a butterfly;

She breezed into my life like a butterfly;

Blossomed my barren life

Soothed my strife and
Sanctified me whole again.

It's a moment.. It's a moment, right?

An intellectual win for the boy, right?

We began talking, exchanged numbers.
Things went ahead!

What then?

Your brother knows how to close...

Okay, so our affair began.

A few months in, we're chilling...

I introduced her to my friends.

More than that... For the first time
it felt like I'm with someone for real.

You're getting it, right?

She texted one day, I was alone at home.

She texted saying, 'Hey, uhm...

just wanted to check with you,

would you be interested
if we move in together?'

(Audience) Stay firm, stay firm!

I asked,

'What do you mean move in?'

Confirm...

She said, "I mean...

Move in as in move in!"

I replied, "What an explanation!"

What an explanatory statement!

Move in as in move in!"

She said, "No, as in...

I'm saying, like,
you come stay at my place."

I thought,
'She's talking about marriage...'

So, I said, "Eid is in two months.

I'll talk to my mother...
When I go home."

She said,
"Oh, no... Don't involve your family.

I'm just asking if you'd like to
be in a live-in relationship with me?"

Look...

As such I'm a firm dude...

But I had to melt here.

And there are a few words...

Words have a specific function...
Right?

Till the particular word isn't used,

it's not fun until then!

I mean, you just can't
get that feel without that word!

Like move in, staying together...

Live-in relationship!

I mean, my body
could feel the pressure.

My body couldn't bear it!

My knees gave in!

I was in shock, I sat down for support!

I actually sat down on the ground!

I held my head. I thought,
is this really happening to me?

I couldn't believe
the movement of my life!

Because a few days ago,
I was watching Roadies on TV!

I mean, I was in this delusion
that I can easily win Roadies.

And now... What? Live in, live in?

Like, I didn't have a girl
in my life and now, live in?!

I thought, 'Am I the one
who is living the American Dream?'

My friend came in and asked,
"Why are you sitting on the floor?"

I said, "Just look,
what your bhabhi has sent!"

Dude, he couldn't take it either,
he sat down too!

So, I took my belongings
and reached her place!

I shifted... For the first
time in my life, I did this too!

I did THIS too!

You know what I mean...

And it was the most beautiful
relationship of my life...

Because it was almost like
prince and princess living together!

But our kingdoms were different!

She was the princess of a kingdom
called, 'I'll Clean Everything.'

And your brother's the
Sultan of a sultanate

called, 'I'm Going To Do Nothing.'

And then, we would fight!

She used to just have
one question for me,

"Tell me one thing!

Why can't you drink water
and keep the glass on the coaster?"

And my question to her would be,

"What in the hell is a coaster?"

Come on, there is a difference
in our upbringing.

She knew about this stuff
because she was brought up that way

and I didn't because it was not
a part of my upbringing.

Because in my house,
with my mother,

my two brothers and
leaving my father aside,

basically there are
three people who do my work!

And mummy, she still does everything.

And we didn't tell her that
feminism has come into the world.

That's a secret between dad,
me and my two brothers. It's our secret.

We didn't tell her that outside...

We didn't let her know that
people are talking about equality.

If something came up on TV, like,

"Females are..."
We'd change the channel.

I'm like, 'We don't need to go there!
No risk at all.'

So, she still does everything...

One day, I was at home on my laptop,
she suddenly opens the door and says,

"Just tell me one thing..."

I said, "What?"

She says, "Mr. Zakir Khan!"

Bro, when the girlfriend says
your full name,

the stitches come undone on their own!

I thought, 'Better shut
the laptop and handle this.'

She says, "Uh, by the way"

She's very calm, composed.
She's very poised.

She says, "Am I loud?
Am I shouting at you?"

I say, "No, no no..."

"Calm down.

Just one question.

After eating...

Where do we keep the plates?"

I said, "After eating...

We slide the plates under the bed."

She says, "Man,
you don't help at all..."

"You know how many
dishes I have to clean?!"

I said, "But we have a maid for that!"

She says, "But she doesn't do
them right, so I have to do them again.

She doesn't work properly!"

I said, "Then fire her!"

She said, "No, we can't!"

I said, "Huh?

The maid comes here to wash the dishes.

If she doesn't do that right,
then fire her.

Isn't that simple?"

She said, "No no,
there's a tuning between us."

I said, "You want her to do the dishes

or do you want to sit and compose music?

What? You want to hold hands
and sing 'Kun Faya Kun'?"

She says, "You don't understand
anything, just shut up!"

I said, "Okay, then, I don't understand.

Fine, wash the washed dishes!"

One day, there was a big fuss over

mom and dad coming home.

She started cleaning the whole house,
using phenyl everywhere!

Put me to work too
and I'm pushing sofas.

She used to wash curtains!

I just went, "What are you saying?

What? Huh? Huh?

Curtains are supposed to be washed?"

So, she's going all
out to clean everything.

I said, "They'll be here by 12,
you leave now."

So they are supposed to come by 12
and I had her leave by 11...

They were actually coming by 2 pm.

I had to do this!

The moment she left the house,
I went down with a bucket.

I filled it up with dust.

I came back...
Sprinkled it all across the room.

Okay, now everything was normal.

Mom and dad came... Now, mothers and
fathers look at you very differently.

Fathers look at you
three years ahead in time.

As in, 'He's having a great time.'

And mothers look at you
ten years in the past,

"You didn't bathe today, did you?"

My mother came, she lost it
looking at the state of the house!

She said, "What is this dust?
Why is there a brick in the house?"

I thought, 'It's here by mistake, oh man!

There was a brick in all the dust!'

"What do you do with a brick?"

I said, "Nothing!"

And my father is taking a read
of the house...

He says, "Tell me one thing..."

I say, "Yes?"

"Your room is quite well-decorated?"

"I, the uh...

The maid does it..."

"Okay, okay, kay..."

Dad says, "Actually...

Your kitchen is also set quite well!"

"Yeah, the maid does it."

Straight face,
I wanted to laugh but...

"The maid does it."

Dad is also saying,
"Okay, okay, okay..."

A little while later, I got caught.

He came out of the bathroom and said,

"Tell me one thing,

since when did you start
keeping the seat up to pee?"

I fumbled,
"That ba-ta-cha-pa-la-da-ra..."

I said, "That's the right way..."

He came to me and said,

"Look, I've stayed out too!

I understand the difference
between a maid and a girlfriend!"

And I'm playing it stubborn!

I was full, like,
"What are you saying, huh? Meaning?

No, no I didn't understand...
what do you mean? Huh, huh?

I don't know what you're saying?"

He held my elbow and pulled me,

That dominant gesture fathers do,
he pulled me closer and said,

"Listen, I've had and raised three kids,
and made you all able to face the world!"

Okay, okay, okay!

That day, I didn't say anything.

But in a few days,

I had a bit more respect for my father.

Whatever you say...

My dad is a stud!

So everything went well.
I introduced her to my folks!

We had their blessings
to tie the knot in two years.

We had their consent.

Great, super!

One day, a few months later...

She comes to me in the morning.

And tells me, "Baby...

Listen..."

Whether it's a boy or a girl,
my brain is formatted to notice

sing-song conversations, you know?

It usually means red alert!

Saying, "No, dude, something is wrong!"

For instance, if a guy comes
to me and says, "Dude..."

I say, "There goes my 2000 bucks,
motherfucker!"

I said, "Yeah, tell me?"

She says, "Actually,
my school's having a reunion!"

"Okay, okay, okay, okay!"

And adds, "Rahul is also coming..."

"Okay, okay, okay, okay!"

"So, should I go?"

I said, "Yeah!"

She asked, "You don't have a problem?"

I said, "No..."
- "What, really?"

I said, "Yeah!"

I said, "Look...

You're not a kite, you're a bird.

No string should tie you down...

And secondly,

I am playing the role of
being modern and understanding.

So I can't even say no!"

One thing I can tell on behalf
of all the men in the world,

I swear on the soil of this earth

that we are all pretending
to be understanding!

We're not, not for shit!

Because, we know very well
who is truly a friend

and who is truly not a friend.

Because....

We are also someone's 'friend'!

And we know how friendly we are!

Okay, the day of the reunion arrived.

She left the house at 9.
I got up at 10 to an empty home!

I got so irritated!

I took off my t-shirt
and slammed it in the hall!

Slammed my jeans in the bedroom!

Underwear in the kitchen!

I thought, 'The world should know

that Emperor Ashok has graced every room!"

I was like, what to do?
What to do? What to do?

I couldn't think of anything

I put on the match that Mohammad Kaif
and Yuvraj Singh won us in England,

the NatWest series one?

I put that on!

It was 10, then 10:30,
then 11, then 12...

Not one text from her...

It was 2 o'clock already!

Now, if you leave a man alone,
what will he do?

Look...

Many of you might think, 'For what?'

So, I'd like to tell that you
go to office and make new friends...

But that doesn't mean you
forget your old school friends!

And after all, these new friends
weren't really like what we'd expected!

After that, I slept!

Those who understood, understood!

It's 4 o'clock, she still hasn't texted!

And I'm getting stressed!

I was pacing in the house,
like a worried father...

And this is how my heart
was reassuring me...

'They've met in school,
what could possibly happen?'

And when you really love someone
you tend to think they're dead.

Alright?

But she was alive because photos were
constantly being uploaded on Facebook!

I thought, 'She is alive!
She's just not texting!'

It was 5 o'clock, then 6!

Photos are still being uploaded. I got
really irritated, this was the limit!

I picked my phone and began
typing all the swear words.

Everything on my mind!

Dude, here I was watching
the NatWest series

and now I started
watching Hannah Montana!

That was half the reason
why I was so pissed!

I typed out all my bad thoughts.

I typed, 'I know everything about
the reunion you're having with Rahul!

Keep talking to him.
Don't think I don't get it.

Don't ever think I'm stupid.

I've also had relationships!'

'S'!

I wrote an 8-paragraph
text and then...

deleted it!

Still angry, I typed another text!

I wrote...

'Where are you?'

And just as I hit the space key,

it was auto-corrected to
'wherever you are.'

Now, I don't know how to edit
a single alphabet on an iPhone

and who's going to delete
the whole sentence

and type it up all over again.
So to 'wherever you are',

I added a comma and wrote...

'Where ever you are,

you are mine.'

That's a moment, right? It's a moment?

And as soon as I sent
the 'where are you' text,

I felt bad for myself

because it was almost 8...

For the past 12 hours,
I'd just been waiting for her.

I'd just been waiting.

I hadn't even eaten anything.

You know, you don't feel as insulted
when lose your dignity before others,

but when you're alone and you fall
in your own eyes, it hurts more.

To have your self-esteem lowered
in your own eyes is really sad.

But! If you ever feel like
your self-esteem is dropping,

eat something!

There is some relation between
self-esteem and your stomach being full!

So first, I went to the kitchen...

And I made Maggi

because that's the only thing I know!

Now I don't have this life skill,
what do I do?

Second, I thought that this
wasn't enough to elevate my self-esteem!

I had to do something else!

So, on my laptop,

I began watching Gangs of Wasseypur!

And then, the stress of my life
just changed!

Earlier I was thinking about
how she hasn't texted and stuff!

And now, I was just frustrated
that Perpendicular has been murdered,

it was Qureshi who
did it and now Samsad...

That asshole's been
stealing and selling iron.

So Faizal rebuked him
and now he's gone to complain.

He filed an FIR and now the
police are here to arrest Faizal!

Here, Faizal is getting arrested,
Perpendicular is lying dead,

I'm just in agony!

I think, 'Ramadhir will die,
when he dies,

but that fuckface Qureshi and
Samsad should go to jail, motherfuckers!'

Dude, I'm on another trip today,
just furious!

Please, I feel some of
you didn't really understand

the Gangs of Wasseypur reference

but I'd like to tell those people...

I don't care.

Yes!

Because I too don't
understand 'Game of Thrones'!

The White-walkers, the Lannisters
and the Dragons!

Your Faizal will avenge them all!

In my opinion, there are
two kinds of people in the world.

One, those who like
Gangs of Wasseypur.

And others who
work for Ramadhir Singh!

This is my side of the story!

Now, I'll tell you her side...

Look, what happened is
she was thinking of me,

she loves me,

but what happened is
when you meet people...

This happens with
guys too... A lot of times!

It's happened with me.

That's how I know!

So, you meet people,

you get together with friends
then the talking, laughing starts!

Then comes this guy, Rahul!

And she starts talking
about the mistakes of the past.

Nothing's wrong with it!

Especially with two people who'd been
together for years, what's the harm...

But by then it was too late to call me.

I was playing modern and
understanding...

So I didn't call her!

And it was too late
for us to call each other as well!

So by 3 o'clock she had
devised her Plan B,

which was for every,
'Where are you?' question.

She had prepared all the

permutations and combinations
of a response text.

She was mentally prepared for it!

Like, how to reply if I'm angry,

how to reply if I ask her nicely.

What to reply if I don't message.

What to reply if
she gets the silent treatment!

She was fully prepared for it.

But...

She wasn't prepared for
'wherever you are, you're mine.'

Dude...

Half an hour later, she calls me

with a full guilty conscience!

A phone call drenched in tears!

Now it's almost 9 and I've been
waiting for her, for 12 hours now...

But life takes such strange turns...

Right now, she was the
most irrelevant person for me.

Because Faizal had loaded
the ambulance with guns...

The election was happening
at the same time!

And it's still not clear
whose side Definite is on!

Whether he's with
Ramadhir or with Faizal.

Is he going to shoot?
What will he do or won't do?

And then admitted in the hospital,
is Ramadhir of course

but there's that asshole Samsad as well!

And Samsad is really smart,
don't you dare underestimate him!

Definite fucking bombed him.

His leg was cut off
but the motherfucker survived!

But he will die today!

Finally she calls,
the phone's ringing.

But on TV...'Teri keh ke lunga!'

I don't think any other guy
would have done

what I did that day!

It's a moment, right, it's a moment?

I picked up the phone,
she is full of guilt conscience.

And she's just sobbing,
crying on the call!

So much so that her teardrops
were splashing on my face!

I said, "Hello?"

What had I written?

(Audience) Wherever you are, you are mine.

She says, "Till I die!

Till my very last breath!

As long as I am alive and breathing,

I am only and only yours!"

I said, "Okay, no problem,
come back soon!"

She said, "What? Really?
You're really not angry?"

I said, "Yes, I'm not angry,
come home soon!"

She asked, "Are you sure?
Sure you love me?"

I said, "Yeah I love you,
I love you very much.

We'll get married soon,
just come home fast now!"

She says, "Okay I'm coming home!"

I said, "Okay."

I said, "Kill! Kill him!

Kill him some more!

Go get more guns. Kill him!
Kill him more!"

Whatever happened...
Good, bad, fair, unfair,

The wedding is in January, next year!

Hers!

No... I just wanted to say...

If you weren't sure,
you shouldn't have met the parents.

Whatever happened, was it wrong?

Yes. Whatever happened
with me was wrong!

But did I make any mistakes?

Of course!

Of course I made mistakes!

See, girls look at relationships
like a car.

Girls view a relationship like a car

and we view it as a plane.

They want a driver and
we think of ourselves as pilots!

They don't want over commitment,

they want you to drive at the speed
of 50 but with attention,

be cautious about the turns,
keep your eye on the bumps along the way...

And we're like, "Are you crazy?

Just watch how I take this relationship
from 0 to 800 in 10 seconds!

Look at the unnecessary commitment,

how I'm going to take it to
5 lakh kilometres above the sea level."

And then I feel, 'Now,
why isn't this flying on auto-mode?'

Because lack of emotional understanding,

it causes us to over-commit.

And then we wonder, 'Why
do they just keep crying, these women?'

Because of you, fuckface!

When we break up,

you don't realise that
you've broken up...

In the beginning,
you're upset, with everything.

"She will never find anyone!

She'll come running back to me,
you just watch!"

For 5-6 days when there is no answer,

you take a moral high ground!

That, one shouldn't keep
these small egos and issues in love.

Crazy talks!

Now, the signal at home is quite weak
so I'm not being able to call her...

I said, 'No problem...'

So I texted her on WhatsApp

but here too she's taken off
her DP and all...

I'm like, 'What a crazy girl!'

She's doing all these
antics after a small fight!

And this was not the time of Jio,

that everyone had internet all the time.

This was when people used
their data packs with caution.

So, I think, 'She's turned off
her data pack...

She must be in office,
I'll message her on Facebook.'

I tried that but it showed
her profile is deactivated!

I thought, 'Just a minute.

No matter what goes on in a relationship,
Facebook is like office!

Every HR department
keeps an eye on Facebook...

This is not the way to behave, right?'

I thought, 'This is wrong,
don't do this...'

I was thinking about it, I thought,

'The profile isn't there...
It's just showing 'Facebook User'.

I was thinking,
'How crazy is this girl.'

That's when the guy inside you,

the one who tells you the truth,
he says, 'Listen...'

I said, 'Yeah?'

'You've been blocked.'

I realised, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh! Yes!'

Then, the second step...

In the different stages of
emotions that you're going through!

The second step is, you think,
well every guy has this delusion,

'My life would be an endless
parade of parties and sex...

But, it had stopped
because of this relationship.

It stopped!

So, you step outside
like you own the world!

Like, 'Yeah, come on,
where are all those other girls?'

Yes, proclaim it in the whole city!

"Attention! Attention! Attention!"

Yeah, just make them stand in a queue,
long haired girls ahead...

Yeah, in a line, make them stand
in descending order...

Not height, length of hair!

If she's hot, then even a bob cut is fine.

Just put her to the front, then...

We are very lenient that way!

When you actually step out, it's
deathly silent, it's a barren world...

So, barren that there are
bats flying by!

For the first time,
the sex-ratio of India hits you!

And you remember what you said earlier...

'She won't find anyone', but
that line is actually about you!

Then you feel like, 'Please! Like,
please! I'm not crying over a girl!'

Now, chauvinism runs in your blood!

Patriarchy!

Your brother is here,
he won't go without explaining!

Thinking no end to yourself!

But the thing is, even though
these things are in your blood...

Love doesn't know misogyny

and memories don't know chauvinism!

You're fucked!

So, I thought! Of course I'll
go to a restaurant to eat.

I mean, come on!

Just because I've broken up,
I won't go to a restaurant? Please!

I reached and the
waiter came to me, "Sir,

Table for two, sir?"

I said, "Come here,

come stand here.

Look in my direction...

For about 6 kilometres, there isn't
one fucking goat, let alone a girl!

How in the hell can you
ask if I want a table for two?"

He said, "No, Sir, actually you used to
come with that ma'am... That's why..."

I said, "Yeah yeah... I didn't today."

He said, "No no...
She had come yesterday..."

I said, "Yeah, she must've come
with her friends..."

He says, "No...

She wasn't here with her friends.

She was here with a guy!"

I said, "Aaaah!

Understood..."

I said, "Yeah, must be some friend..."

He said, "He wasn't a friend.
They made out."

"Okay... okay..."

I said, "No problem, no problem..."

"What do you mean, no problem?

Sir, they were sitting at the corner table!

They were kissing,
sir, they were kissing!"

I said, "Oh, dude... nothing..."

I said, "No, nothing...
Nothing... Nothing... Nothing!"

I said, "I don't want to eat,
I'm leaving!"

He said, "Sir, where are you going, sir?
Sir, they might get married sir!"

I said, "No... no, no, I heard.
Aah!

I heard you!"

For the first time,
I thought, "Okay...

Something major has happened in life!"

But, when you're breaking up
or falling in love,

one fucked up thing happens,

you start understanding
lyrics of songs..."

And songs that are just mediocre,
that are flops...

You start making people
listen to them saying,

"Listen to the 5th line in the 4th
stanza is awesome.

Listen to it, please!"

And that line would be the most cliched
line but you'd be like, "Right?

It's the story of my life, right?
The story of my life..."

And people are like, "Shut this
down, what is all this drama?!"

Dude, three months passed by,
I didn't talk to anyone.

I'd be taking a bath for two hours!
Just didn't care about time!

Yeah, I mean, what do you do
for so long alone?

I wasn't talking to anyone.

On Saturday...

At about 11:30 pm...

And four pegs of Chivas Regal down...

I realised, 'Dude, I'm just destroying
my life. I should talk to my friends!'

So, I called my
childhood friend, Kuntal.

Kuntal's background...

Kuntal is also known as Radhesham.

And uh...

Radhesham was his father's name.

It's just juvenile assholery...

So, you'd either be known by
your surname or by your father's name!

After eleventh grade,
we never went to Kuntal's place,

because... Once, we didn't know that uncle
wasn't feeling well

and he was at home.

We came over, and yelled, "Radhesham!
Come out!"

Radhesham came out...

Sorry...

Radhesham Uncle came out.

That day, uncle found out two things.

One, that we call Kuntal
by his father's name.

And two that his asshole
son actually responds to Radhesham!

What, then?

I called Kuntal...

1 ring, 2 rings, 3 rings... Dude,
it's been 10 years since we'd talked.

I had to talk to someone!

4th ring, 5th ring, 6th ring,

7th is when the son-of-a-bitch
finally picked up!

What did he know about my life.
Even I didn't know anything about his!

He was from the boy's school!

I said, "Hello?"
He says, (whispers) "Helloo?"

I said, "Kuntal?"
He says, "I'm in a movie."

I said, "Okay. Can you talk for 2 minutes?"

"With a girl!"

I asked, "You're on a date?"

He says, "No, no! I'm in a group, in a group!"

I asked, "How many guys?"

He says, "Six."

I asked, "How many girls?"
He said, "One."

I asked, "Can we talk for 2 minutes?"

He says, "Yeah, tell me!"

So, I told him my whole thing,

"Man, Kuntal, I can't stand it
any more, I can't understand what to do,

I can't understand
what is right or wrong,

I've had a bad breakup ya..."

I told him everything and
he heard me out nicely, attentively

and he said exactly
what I needed to hear.

As in, he gave me the right advice.

He heard me out and said,

"Why are you crying like a bitch,
dickhead!"

I said, "Oh! This was quite
an emotionally mature response!"

But that's the day I realised, that,
I had just become so... Alone!

But you know, there's a chance in life,

when you realise that no one else
is going to help you, you are alone.

Just frighteningly alone...

That's when I began working.

And there are two ways, either
you drink yourself to becoming Devdas

or work your ass off to become a legend.

I said, 'Just a minute...

I didn't come here to die!'

And, honestly, I credit the
work I did then for the fame I have now.

I wrote a poem during that
time, would you like to hear it?

(Audience) Yes!

Your treachery burnt me,
my soul, my spine.

Your treachery burnt me,
my soul, my spine.

I wouldn't have turned into fire,
Had you truly been mine!

But, you know,

when they do leave you, you
go through so many different emotions...

But when you leave someone,
you don't feel that bad...

You're just, like,
"Just, don't die, okay? Hehe.

Yeah, don't die.
Don't do this... Get a grip!"

But when someone leaves you,

it's like you drown in your deepest,
darkest insecurities,

which is not right!

When you ask yourself, 'Why me?
Why did this happen to me?'

And in the answer,
you tell yourself things

you'd hate for anyone else
to say to you.

You tell yourself that,
they left me because I'm dark.

You tell yourself that,
they left me because I'm fat.

You tell yourself that,
they left me because I'm short.

You tell yourself that, they
left me because I'm from a poor home.

You tell yourself that, they
left me because I'm from a lower caste.

But I say, each relationship has an age.

And once it reaches that age,
the relation is over!

And there's no right or wrong,
good or bad in this.

Nobody is a villain!

But... You. Are. The. Hero!

But, if these things were true,

there never would have been
a relationship in the first place!

Also, the most beautiful
thing about a breakup is that

you become your most vulnerable self.

You get to see a new you,
you see a new Zakir!

A completely different human being!

You say, 'Am I the one
doing this now? I'm doing this?!'

Here I was, mentally quite,
it had been 8-9 months now.

I had mentally moved on quite
a lot by now. Things seemed better.

Life seemed better.

That's when a friend called me,
his name was Anand.

He said, 'Dude, I saw Shruti.

She was sitting in so-and-so restaurant."

In my mind, I have moved on.

As in, I'm single but I'm
comfortable in my own space now!

But this was the first time,
I saw myself getting ready...

In such a hurry. I've not done up my
buttons properly, I'm wearing my shoes!

I'm stopping a rickshaw.

I reach that restaurant.

I reach, I see her. She's sitting
in the restaurant with some guy.

I don't know what to do.
I'm...

I'm seeing her for the
first time in 7-8 months!

Everything that I had build
up in myself during that time,

just crashed, collapsed...

Once again, I'm just
not understanding anything.

What do I say?
What do I say? What do I say?

I'm in the middle
of an emotional outburst.

And I know it's too late.

I know I can't say anything
that would make her come back.

And yet, I'm still thinking, 'What
do I say that'll make her come back to me?'

I'm thinking,
'Should I fall at her feet?'

Like, 'If I do fall at her feet,
will she take me back?'

What do I tell her?
What should I say? What should I say?

So, I...

I just said,
"Everything about my future,

I have always imagined it with you.

When you're not there,
I cannot imagine my future!"

And just as I said it, I felt
like, all of this has happened!

And then I realised, 'No no no
no no no no no no...

I'm not that guy.'

You know, I began
talking to myself saying,

'This is a low point of my life but I'm
not going to let it become the lowest!'

When I loved, I loved with pride.

If I must be single,
I'll be single with pride!

She said, "Whaa- tell me
what do you want to talk about?"

I said, "No no no I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry that I came here.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

She said, "No, tell me, tell me, tell
me, what you wanted to say, tell me?"

I said, "No, it was my mistake
that I came here.

And you will never
see this face in your life.

Except maybe on TV, but..."

Please!

It's okay to be cocky
in such dire straits!

And this nut sitting there,
is judging me like a motherfucker!

I told her, "No, no no.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

I told him, I said, "Listen...

There will be one cardamom
in your biryani!"

But I still hadn't gotten closure!

I thought, 'I need to say
something to her, something...

I want to say something!'

And I'm not getting exactly what
to say...

What do I say?

So, I'm thinking, 'I have
to say something to her, something!'

But still 'What do I say to her?'

So I said,

"He must've just said yes
to everything you must've said...

And I just want to tell
you... That...

Sachin beats everyone!"

That's it for my set,
Thank you very much!

You've been a great audience!

But I know...
To be very honest and frank,

this is above and beyond my standing.

But thank you very much guys.

You have made it special.

Thank you very much.
Goodnight. Take care.