You're a Big Boy Now (1966) - full transcript
Bernard Chanticleer's father gives him two simple words of advice: "Grow up." Bernard knows that his first step is to find a girl who's "willing," but he passes up a sure thing, Amy Partlett, for a more elusive goal. Her name is Barbara Darling, an inscrutable go-go dancer. More than a few obstacles keep Bernard from his dream world. There's his doting mother, who mails him locks of her hair and weeps at the thought of her baby as a man; there's a malicious rooster, trained to attack pretty girls, patrolling the halls of his New York City rooming house; and most of all, there's Barbara herself. She turns out to be a man hater, emotionally scarred by the lecherous wooden-legged hypnotherapist who "counseled" her in high school. All in all, Bernard finds himself in an improbable universe with a calculated clumsiness designed to evoke his confusing coming-of-age.
¶ Well you never can tell
but you're looking so well ¶
¶ That I gotta stop and say
How do you do? ¶
¶ I know it's a long shot
but judging what she's got ¶
¶ I'm hoping that my judgement's true ¶
¶ Hey girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶
¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶
¶ I'm just mad for your outsides ¶
¶ Mm that's what my inside says ¶
¶ If only I could walk up and tell her ¶
¶ But it seems so far from me to her ¶
¶ And the ground is so unfamiliar ¶
¶ Well I wish that I knew
'cause I'd be in a stew ¶
¶ If my little speech
sounded like a phony line ¶
¶ I know that it's doubtful
'cause she's heard a mouthful ¶
¶ Of come on up and see me sometime ¶
¶ Hey girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶
¶ Girl wrapped up in fur
I'm just mad for your outsides ¶
¶ Well you never can tell
but you're looking so well ¶
¶ That I gotta stop and say
How do you do? ¶
¶ I know it's a long shot
but judging what she's got ¶
¶ I'm hoping that my judgement's true ¶
¶ Hey girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶
¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶
¶ I'm just mad for your outsides ¶
¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶¶
You absolutely must not use
the book elevator, Bernard.
Who is she?
It's illegal, it's dangerous
'and it's only gonna get you into trouble.'
Reading Room main, Del Grado speaking.
'My son has just stepped out'
'of the book elevator, Del Grado.'
- 'Put him on.'
- Hm. Double trouble.
Especially when it's your own father
and he has eyes everywhere.
Can you hear me, dad?
'I'll see you in my office
right now, big boy.'
'Say, uh, Bernard,
when you call your father dad'
are you really thinking daddy?
Hm, which is his real name
but inappropriate when you're pushing 20.
'I don't know what to call him anymore.'
Well, let's see. Pop.
- Too jolly.
- Mm-hmm.
- How about papa?
- 'Sounds kind of foreign.'
Well, father is as phony as dad.
It's a great problem deciding
what to call your father
when you're all grown up.
You know, you could use his initials.
IH?
He's waiting for you, Bernard.
- International harvester.
- He's mad.
Internal hemorrhage.
Come in, Bernard.
Sit down.
Your mother's here.
Why are you wearing your eyeglasses?
You promised me
that you would never wear those.
Excuse me, mom.
Now let's forget about eyeglasses today.
- Margery.
- I won't forget about them.
We spent $200 for contact lenses
and he never wears it.
'I don't wanna talk about
contact lenses, eyeglasses'
chlorophyll pills,
bow legs or plastic surgery.
- I wanna talk about our son.
- That is our son.
- Bernard..
- I-I'm listening, dad.
How long have you been working
here at the library?
One month, father.
- Are you happy here?
- Yes, pop.
Then why do you embarrass me
every time you get the chance?
Bernard, Bernard, what are you doing?
- Lost my lens.
- Oh, don't anybody move.
- Nobody move.
- Del Grado, wake up!
- Get in here.
- Yes, yes, IH.
Now find my son's contact lens.
Bernard, sit.
Right. Uh, Bernard,
was it the right or the left?
- Just look for it.
- He embarrasses me, too.
But that's just the way he is.
I mean, I won't blame myself.
- I won't, I won't!
- 'Yes, IH?'
- Nothing! Nothing.
- What way am I?
Damned irresponsible,
that's what you are, big boy.
But you can rest assured,
once aware of the fact
that one's irresponsibility
is as just as much
one's parents' responsibility
as one's own responsibility.
I'm sorry I embarrass you,
daddy, and-and you, mommy.
Mom.
I'm even sorry I embarrass myself.
Ha! I found it.
- Oh, how nice of you.
- That's all, Del Grado.
Thanks, Raef.
I'll wait till you put it
in your other eye.
'Careful, careful. Don't.. Oh. Oh.'
'Careful, darling. That's, right there.'
'Ooh, a little to the left.'
Oh, there it is.
Oh..
Ready, papa.
You've been here a month.
And aside from developing unnatural skills
on roller skates,
you've been a complete failure.
'If your father wasn't much your father is'
'you'd been fired your first week here.'
Now here it is, big boy,
straight and to the point.
- Grow up! Quiet!
- Oh, he's too young.
You're gonna live in
your own apartment in the city
pay for it with your own money.
What do you say to that?
- Terrific!
- Oh, he's too young.
He's too young.
Margery, your lint is settling
on the Gutenberg Bible.
You're going to be lonely
living all by yourself
in that tiny apartment.
You're going to miss
your, your room in Great Neck.
- I know you are.
- Hello, Bernard.
Hi.
I brought Rover along in the car.
We better hurry, I don't
want him getting impatient
all over the upholstery.
Rover.
Big dog, nice dog. Hang dog.
See how excited Rover is to see you?
You know your name isn't Rover?
You're my dog, I christened you
Dog eight years ago
when we were pups together.
Who is that girl
working in your father's office?
- She looks very cheap.
- Nobody special.
Well, what's her name, darling?
Everybody's got a name.
- Even Rover.
- Amy Partlett.
Sometimes I really wonder who's responsible
for hiring people in that office.
Certainly not your father.
'Mother, do you like people's faces?'
I mean, do you ever really
consider them? Or do you ever
think about them?
You haven't been spending your time
with girls like that, have you, Bernard?
I like to invent names for people's faces.
I mean, cheap girls like that.
Barnie Benzadream.
I don't like the way she dresses.
Willy Whileaway.
And the way she wets her lips
with her tongue before she speaks.
- Her teeth are crooked.
- 'Lonely Lozenges.'
I don't want you to associate
with girls of that kind.
Bernard, Rover is scratching
the glove compartment.
- Dog! Dog.
- No, Dog!
- You know his name.
- Oh, that's alright.
Ms. Thing, Rover is just visiting.
No, he'll have to wait outside.
- Oh?
- Well, unless you carry him.
I don't want dog hairs
all over my building.
You're a nice boy. What's your name?
Tell Ms. Thing your name.
- Bernard.
- 'Bernard.'
Bernard was 19 years old just 4 months ago.
Oh! Well, happy birthday, Bernard.
A nice room for nice
birthday boy. Isn't that right?
Bernard, this is Patrolman Graf.
One of New York's finest.
New tenant, Mr. Graf.
This was my older brother's building.
'But he passed away,
and I guess it's all mine now.'
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Even his rooster.
He had a pet rooster.
'Oh, well, he left me everything he had.'
But in his will it stipulated
that the rooster must live
on the fifth floor,
unmolested, in perpetuity.
Oh, careful, Mrs. Chanticleer
my brother's rooster hates females.
He just barely tolerates me.
Shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo. Oh!
Stand back. Shoo.
Oh, look at that.
He's already made friends.
- 'Ah.'
- Ha-ha-ha..
Well, here it is.
And may it ever be so humble.
Oh, I don't know about these stairs.
Bernard's right leg is one full inch
shorter than his left leg, you know?
- Oh.
- 'I don't mind the stairs. I... '
And rooster, you say, in the city?
- That attacks people?
- Well, not people, only girls.
Oh. Girls only?
The younger and the prettier,
the more he hates them.
- Claws at their nylons.
- Is that a fact?
- I think it's nice.
- So do I, darling.
Oh, why don't you and Rover
go in and look around the room
while mommy and Ms. Thing
have a little chat?
WC.
Warring countries.
Now, here's enough
for three telephone calls.
And when you use up the three
I'll give you enough for three more.
Welcome Communists.
Bear with me, I must know if
there are girls telephoning him.
Bernard has not been able
to deal with life yet.
And he's certainly not ready for girls.
See? Bernard baby, are you alright?
Bernard? Bernard?
Goodbye, Mrs. Chanticleer.
Everything will be fine. Fine.
Call me whenever you're depressed, Bernard.
I will, mother.
And remember my promise.
If you don't smoke until you're 21
you'll get a special no-smoking present.
- Bye.
- Say goodbye to Rover.
- He's brokenhearted.
- Goodbye, Dog.
Now, don't eat too much.
Don't stay out late.
Don't go to suspicious places
to play cards.
And stay away from girls.
But most of all, Bernard, try to be happy.
"Niggers go home."
But where's home?
Home is where the heart is.
Yeah, but where are their hearts?
My heart's in the highlands.
Gosh! Amy. Oh, you..
I don't usually come to places
like this. I mean, I just dro...
Don't be embarrassed
about being here, Bernard.
Not on my account.
I mean, I'm only too happy
to, to bump into you.
I mean, really I.. I..
When you first came to, um, the library
I thought I saw you some place before.
I mean, uh, I liked you.
Then I remembered that I remembered you
some place, so I went..
I knew I had seen your face
before, so I went home
and I looked in the old school book
PS 109, and there you were.
- P.. Did you go to PS 109?
- Yes, so did you.
Say, when? I went to PS 33.
Then I went to PS 78,
then I went-went to PS 109.
- I don't remember you. No.
- But-but I remember you.
I wanna tell you,
I remember you because you
one day you came into our classroom
you had made a suit of armor
out of Reynolds aluminum wrap.
Hey, I-I remember that,
I came into the classroom
like, I was all dressed up
in that thing looking..
I remember that. But I don't
remember you, though.
Did you see me wearing that thing?
- Yes, you looked wonderful.
- Oh.
That was great. I remember.
- You looked great!
- Six rolls.
Of Reynolds aluminum..
I just remember you were looking sweet.
But wait a minute.. Were you..
I was in the back row I think.
- Who was the teacher?
- But you were far away.
Remember I always used to wait
for my father
to take me by the five-cent pretzel man.
Those pretzels are 15 cents now
and they aren't as good.
There wasn't any pretzel man at PS 109.
That must have been PS 33.
What difference does it make where it was?
The pretzels are 15 cents now.
Oh.
Do you remember me from PS 109?
No. I only remember the pretzels.
I'll see you.
Hey, Amy.
- Yeah?
- 'Hey, I do remember you.'
It was PS 109. That wasn't PS 78.
I came into your class in
my Reynolds aluminum wrap on.
Hey, but, Amy, you were so ugly..
...then.
Hello, big boy.
Who? Me?
Who else?
I don't understand.
It wasn't meant that we understand, Bernard
but that we see the bacteria in the dust
in the rays of the dying sun,
and not ask questions.
What-what kind of questions?
Well, you take me too literally, Bernard.
Now look, I'm a poet,
and I'm a little vague.
But that's the secret of my success.
Well, what kind of success?
With girls. Girls!
That's what's on your mind day
and night, isn't it, Bernard?
That's why you're late for work,
why you walk into walls
misfile your books. Girls.
Now look, some morning
when it's sunny and windy
we'll go out and fly kites
and I'll explain all the mysteries away.
Oh, don't you think it's very odd
that we should kneel and pray to God
when by all accounts we might
send our problems up by kites?
You know, Bernard, if you wanna grow up
'first thing you got to do
is learn how to smoke.'
Okay. Smoke what?
Ah. You learn fast. Come here.
- What is it?
- Cigarette, Bernard.
Looks pretty badly made to me.
Mm. Bernard.
Oh, uh, by the way, I have a little
scented missive here for you.
Mm. Signed AP. Guess what?
Associated Press.
Amy Partlett, Bernard.
Now look, you, uh
want to get past that awkward stage, right?
You wanna grow up, right?
- I'm dying to grow up.
- Right.
Then you need a girl who's, uh, willing.
I said loving.
Amy Partlett, Bernard.
She's interested in you.
'She says right there, "Dear Bernard'
I had a wonderful time
last night talking to you. AP."
- Amy Partlett is not willing.
- Oh!
He said with horror on his face.
Bernard, what do you think sex is?
- Shh! Raef.
- Sex, Bernard.
Sexy, sexual, sextet, sextant
sex-tenial, sexagenarian.
- Raef, that is immoral.
- So, still a virgin, huh?
Go on, you can tell old Raef.
- Yeah, I am.
- Uh-oh! Bernard, look..
String broke.
No, no. I cut it.
- You did what?
- I cut the string, Bernard.
We had no right to bring that thing down.
Anyway, I always do it that way.
But isn't that a waste?
My son, your way is a waste.
I'm very sorry you didn't
appreciate the ritual.
I did, really.
Look, you cut your hand on the kite string.
- It's inevitable.
- Then..
Why don't you wear gloves?
Pain is part of it all.
- Of what?
- Freedom.
Look.
'Raef'
do you see... her?
Oh, yeah. I see her.
I've seen her and seen her.
- 'Who is she?'
- Oh, she's an actress.
I, uh, I know a friend who knows a friend
who knows a friend who knows her.
What's her name?
'Darling. Barbara Darling.'
Aah, but come on, Bernard,
uh, AP is waiting for you.
AP? Who is AP?
Another problem.
¶ Well you never can tell
but you're looking so well ¶
¶ That I gotta stop and say
How do you do? ¶
¶ I know it's a long shot
but judging what she's got ¶
¶ I'm hoping that my judgement's true ¶
¶ Hey girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶
¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶
¶ I'm just mad for your outsides ¶
¶ Mm that's what my inside says ¶
¶ If only I could walk up and tell her ¶
¶ But it seems so far from me to her ¶
¶ And the ground is so unfamiliar ¶
I'm certainly glad
you brought me here tonight.
Yeah. Terrific in here, isn't it?
I can't hear you.
Yeah. Terrific in here, isn't it?
¶ I know that it's doubtful ¶
I didn't know you smoked.
¶ See me sometime ¶
Oh, yeah, all the time.
¶ Beautiful girl can I look ¶¶
Just my luck, whenever I go anywhere
the lights always come up!
Mine do.
Hey, Bernard, how come
you're sitting way over there?
That's not friendly.
I don't know.
Didn't you ever hear the expression
"Like father, like son?"
Barbara.
Bernard?
Come on and dance with me, Bernard.
I can't.
Come on. I'll show you how.
I-I can't dance.
Come on with me.
Me!
Me!
- I wanna go somewhere else.
- Okay.
- Bernard, I like you.
- I like you, too, Amy.
I mean, really.
Why don't you show me where you live?
I'd, I'd love to see your new apartment.
Really, I would.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Why don't you take me there?
- Now?
- Come on. Now.
¶ Whoo ¶
¶ Whoo ¶
You like my mouth?
'Yeah.'
Okay.
You're funny. You really are funny.
You don't know anything, do you?
About what?
About love.
About all the sweet things.
¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your inside? ¶
¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶
¶ I'm just mad for your outsides ¶
¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶
¶ Girl ¶
¶ Girl ¶¶
- Hold it! I got it!
- What is that?
- It's a rooster!
- I'm okay!
Help me! Help!
- I got it!
- Caught you with a girl.
Wait till your mother hears about this.
Ow!
What's the nature of this disturbance?
- Officer, help me.
- Everybody against the wall.
- Stop him!
- Quiet, everybody!
I'm going to call your mother right now
and this call will count
as one of the three.
- Ms. Thing, no, don't!
- Ah!
If she's dead, you'll burn.
You do remember your mother,
don't you, Bernard?
Yes, dad.
'Were you remembering your mother'
when you attacked your landlady last night?
Bernard, breaking
Ms. Thing's arm was one thing.
But did you have to bring
a girl up to your room?
I'm sorry.
I don't want you to see that girl again.
Hey, get over there, big boy.
- Pay attention.
- To what?
You have disgraced us, Bernard.
You know that.
I'm sorry I disgraced you.
But, hell, I'm not sorry for liking girls.
I should tell your father you're talking
that way in front of his wife.
- 'Umbrella!'
- But, mom..
I am no longer your mother.
Umbrella!
Not after last night.
Why should I feel guilty
about liking girls?
My heartbeat goes up.
That's involuntary, isn't it?
I don't mind girls.
It is tramps that I object to.
You know she's a tramp, I can tell by that
guilty expression
written all over your face.
You're right. Every time I look
at a girl, I feel guilty.
- Apologize to your mother.
- 'I'm sorry again.'
Margery.
You think maybe we've been too
tough on him, we've cut him off completely?
Well, I didn't want him
to go live alone in the city.
It wasn't me.
Big boy, I want you to understand that..
Margery, please.
...that one's mother
and one's father loved one..
Only too much.
- Let's FN. Family night.
- FN?
We'll, uh, meet you in the city
for dinner one night a week.
We'll take you out to a concert,
or maybe a play.
- How does that sound?
- But what about that girl?
All is forgiven this time, Margery.
We'll put it in the darkroom,
we'll see what develops.
Hm.. Vamos.
FN.
Fried noodles.
Fish nougat.
Family nonsense.
Oh, aren't we having fun?
Ah! Oh..
Here we are, trapped.
Never spent a night
in a department store before..
Plenty of other places,
but never in a department store.
Hey, I oughta tell you
about my door-opener.
Doctor's here, I would cry.
Waltzing into the living room.
Who called for the doctor?
I didn't call for the doctor.
Well, I'm hale and hearty still,
as you can see.
My doctor used to say to me,
you will live to be a 100!
- You?
- 'Me?'
- You?
- Yes, you.
- Me?
- A 100? Ha-ha..
- 'How old are you then?'
- I'm not saying.
- That's old.
- Oh!
- What? What's that?
- What?
Let's get on with it.
I wanna see him do it.
- 'Ah, do what?'
- 'What?'
This is built for him.
The one under the red,
white and blue dust cover.
Dust, uh, cover.
It's quite significant when
nothing means what it seems to mean
'and then you get an idea
of what a lot it means.'
Reality is expanded.
That's great, dad.
He can't reach.
Oh. It is filthy. He's going to..
Oh, no..
I can't.
I can't!
You shut your eyes and kiss her.
Dear Barbara Darling.
I'm only an ordinary assistant in a library
without much to recommend me.
But I saw the "Department Store" last night
and I haven't been able to forget you.
I must admit that I didn't understand
an awful lot of the play
but I thought you were wonderful
and displayed enormous talent.
And the finest thing
that could ever happen to me
would be if I could meet you.
I doubt if you even bothered to read this
but if you did, you'd make me very happy.
Yours most sincerely, Bernard Chanticleer.
¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I.. ¶¶
¶ Well you never can tell
but you're looking so well ¶
'I can't!'
There, I'll show you.
¶ I know it's a long shot ¶
¶ But judging what she's got ¶
- You bitch!
- Go to hell.
You see how to do it?
You shut your eyes and kiss her.
Next time you pull a stunt
like that on stage
I'm gonna slug you right in the mouth.
'My tongue is actually bleeding.'
So is my heart.
Ah, you little bitch, say this...
Take a bath fast before you try
getting near me on stage.
Have that suit cleaned and burnt.
Bitch, sadist!
Everybody's darling.
Story of a star before she happens
as told to Richard Mudd
friend, confidant, author,
television personality.
Fifth edition, chapter one
in which we examine
what makes her tick. Youth.
- What is it?
- 'A letter for you.'
Slip it under the door,
and don't bother me.
'Barbara is like'
'any other girl..'
Just more beautiful.
The other girls hate Barbara
because she's always the prettiest.
All the boys want to play with Barbara..
...even..
- Even..
- 'Even..'
Even Kurt Dougherty, a 53-year-old
albino hypnotherapist with a wooden leg.
Fifty-three-year-old albino hypnotherapist?
With a wooden leg.
Friend of the family.
- Caught you?
- Yes.
Thought so.
Parents send Barbara away
to Halibut Hills Girls School.
Catch you?
Yes.
Ah, tell me now, what do you
think of Kurt Dougherty
after all those years?
I hate his guts
along with every other male I've ever met.
Except for you, bunny.
- You want to get some din-din?
- No.
I'm going home to go straight to bed.
Okay.
Oh. Don't forget you letter.
- Ciao.
- Ciao.
Dear Barbara Darling
I'm only an ordinary assistant
in a library.
But I saw the "Department Store" last night
and I haven't been able to forget you.
Darling Bernard.
Well, what a sweet letter.
I, uh, was very deeply touched.
Why don't you come to the theater
after the performance one night?
The doorman will show you
where my dressing room is.
Of course, I'm not always dressed there.
Ha-ha.
Love..
...Barbara Darling.
Hello, friend of my youth.
Hello, tongue.
Yuck!
- You stink.
- I stink, therefore I am.
Good morning, Ms. Thing.
Are you feeling better?
- Your arm's okay?
- Yes. No, thank you.
Here's a letter from your mother.
"Bernard love,
remember everything I told you.
Here's a lock of my hair
to remind you. Mom."
I always get hair from my mother.
Once I went away to summer camp
she sent me enough to stuff a mattress.
I thought she'd be bald when I got home.
- I'm late for duty.
- Oh, don't forget your pistol.
Mm, kind of perfumey to me.
I don't know whether
I ought to give this to you
without clearing it with your mother.
- Another letter for me?
- Mm.
Smelling in the same perfume
you're soaked in.
This isn't perfume, it's aftershave lotion.
I spilled half a bottle of it on my shirt.
It's the same perfume.
I haven't smelled it yet.
Lavender. Mm. Lovely lavender.
- I forgot my gun.
- Ah.
He's helpless without me.
Ms. Thing, the privacy of the mail
is guaranteed by federal law.
Well, at least tell me
who the letter's from.
- BD. Guess who?
- Bad Democrats?
- Ha-ha..
- Excuse me.
Is this draft-card burner
giving you more trouble, ma'am?
Oh, no. It's alright, Francis.
Because I've had experience
with this kind of kid.
- No, thank you, Francis.
- I see these kids all day.
- They all take LSD.
- Bye. Have a nice day.
BD. Barbara Darling.
Barbara Darling?
Please, Ms. Thing.
- Cookie, Bernard?
- Thanks.
Please, can I have my letter?
I think we ought to have a talk.
I'll read and give it right back.
You have no idea what a pleasure it is
for a lonely old woman to talk to you.
Even if it's only for a minute.
There, I did it, didn't I?
Did what?
Admitted I was lonely... and old.
Well, gosh, I'm lonely
and young. I'm always lonely.
- Even when I'm with people.
- 'Oh.'
Especially when I'm with people.
You're a sweet boy, Bernard.
And bright.
So I know you'll understand all
the advice I'm going to give.
Here's your letter.
Last week I was 19..
...today I'm 42.
Hm.
If I had an eggshell
for every day I've spent alone..
...I'd, I'd, um..
'You'd..'
I'd have a lot of eggshells.
'It was different when I was your age.'
'Our parents were strict,
so was my brother Gus.'
'I was never allowed to be alone with Bo.'
'Gus went everywhere.'
'Well, it was part of a tradition'
'saving yourself for marriage.'
Oh!
'Here's me the next year'
'at Atlantic City.'
Hm. Oh!
Here's me the next year at Coney Island.
Gus died.
But his upbringing remained a part of me.
So did his rooster.
Oh, another cookie, Bernard?
No. No, thanks. They were wonderful.
And your pictures were very good, too.
I was wondering..
...who took them?
- Passing strangers.
- Oh.
You see, you forgot all about your letter.
Yeah, I, I guess I did.
I mean, it's from a girl.
I-I guess I might as well
open it anyway, hm?
Barbara Darling. Barbara Darling.
Barbara Darling. Barbara Darling.
"Darling Bernard.
"My, what a sweet letter.
I was very deeply touched.
"Why don't you come to the theater
"after the performance one night?
"The doorman will show you
where my dressing room is
though I'm not always dre.."
- She's not always what?
- Uh..
- I'm not always... there.
- Oh.
"Love, Barbara."
Ms. Thing
I got a letter from Barbara Darling.
- Oh. Oh..
- Oh. Oh..
¶ You know there's things
you never thought before ¶
¶ That have to do
with walkin' out old doors ¶
¶ You've been prepared
as long as time allowed ¶
¶ Well I don't know how ¶
¶ But you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ 'Cause you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You know the girls
are taking notice of you ¶
¶ They say your hair is getting curly too ¶
¶ So shave today
you shave tomorrow as well ¶
¶ You're run by you
and not a class-room bell ¶
¶ And I don't know how ¶
¶ But you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ And the great big world
daddy threw before you ¶
¶ With the pretty faces
and the claws that tore you ¶
¶ And it's all so different
when you get to sources ¶
¶ And love will make you strong
as a team of wild horses ¶
I got a letter from Barbara!
Barbara Darling, she sent it to me!
¶ Things you never thought before ¶
¶ That have to do
with walkin' out old doors ¶¶
¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶¶
Darling Bernard, well, what a sweet letter.
I'm not always dressed there.
Bernard, I wanna talk to you.
'Put my son on.'
Sorry, but, you know,
it's your father again.
Yes, dad. I mean, IH. I mean, father.
'You're 75 minutes late, Bernard.'
I'm very sorry, sir, but I have an excuse.
- 'I'm listening.'
- Well..
A very lonely lady wanted
to talk to me and show me her pictures
because she had nothing to show
for her life but eggshells.
'What is that supposed to mean?'
Well, don't you see?
Eggshells are empty.
Dad, are you still in there?
Pop?
Well, wire busted or a fuse blew
or a transistor transgressed.
Ah!
Uh, boy, you can use
your directional signal.
Here.
Have you talked to Amy?
I haven't talked to anybody yet.
I just got in.
You devil!
What happened, huh?
What happened what? Nothing happened.
You know what I mean, Bernard. Come here.
- Try one.
- What for? What is it?
- It's an aspirin.
- I haven't got a headache.
Try it anyway. You'll like it.
Now, shall we welcome you
into the fraternity, hm?
What fraternity? It doesn't
taste like an aspirin to me.
Fraternity of man, Bernard.
Did you score with Amy Partlett or not?
She was a sure thing.
Now, why do you say a thing like that?
- She is a nice person.
- Who? Amy?
Well, don't be so sensitive, Bernard.
You'd get a sunburn. Hm.
Have some more, uh, aspirin.
I mean, I don't happen to think
she's a sure thing.
I think she's a possible thing.
But everybody's possible.
I mean, girl, sooner or later.
Huh, boy, you're a saint from heaven.
Well, forget it.
I have to go back to work.
I'm in trouble today.
Yeah, well, you're in trouble
every day, lover boy.
Now, look, if you're not gonna
cooperate with me
you're not gonna get anywhere.
Maybe I don't wanna go
where you want me to get.
You don't wanna be like me, a poet?
Maybe not.
Well, then you're never gonna
get to meet a girl
like, uh, say, uh, Barbara Darling.
Barbara Darling?
You know, it's funny
you should mention her.
I got a letter from her this morning.
She wants me to drop by
at her dressing room tonight
and kill some time. You know how it is.
What kind of aspirins are these anyway?
'Hey, if you don't mind..'
Hey, old buddy, if you don't mind..
Ow!
You were standing on my foot.
Excuse me?
Come here.
Who are you?
Yeah. Who am I?
I'm Bernard Chanticleer, Ms. Darling.
- Good evening.
- Well, thank you.
Happy New Year to you, too.
You were the one who sent
that letter full of sugar to me?
Yes, I..
Bless you.
Come on in, sugar.
'Close the door.'
Sure.
You like those coffin nails too much.
You better watch out.
Better not cough.
Take off your jacket.
Relax.
Would you like a drink?
- Coffee?
- Coffee?
Nope, no, a drink.
Maybe better coffee.
I mean, a drink of coffee.
I know what's wrong with you.
You would like a glass of milk.
But you're afraid to ask for it
because Barbara will think
you're a little boy.
But it's alright.
You can ask Barbara for a glass of milk
and, and she'll bring it to you.
Come on.
Ask Barbara for a glass of milk.
Say I want a glass of milk.
I want a glass of milk.
You see?
See how easy, sunshine, hm?
Now, the Easter Bunny will pour you
a little glass of milk.
It will be warm and nice..
...and you know what.
I don't know what.
- What? What did you say, hon?
- Nothing.
Just agreeing. I always agree.
What the hell are you doing,
snooping around?
You know, I only invited you here
out of the goodness of my heart!
Damn it, what are you, a conch?
I wasn't snooping. I was just..
I don't know, it just happened.
- Don't talk back to me.
- I'm sorry.
It's alright.
Sweetheart..
'...here's your milk.'
'Come sit with me and, and we'll talk.'
- No.
- Why not?
I'm pinned to the floor.
Bernard! My goodness!
I didn't realize
you were pinned to the floor.
You poor..
There.
Is that better?
Oh, uh, yes, honey. I'll take that.
Look, maybe I better get out of here.
I mean, I know you weren't
expecting anybody like me.
- 'And I'd rather... '
- You're perfect.
Me?
Absolutely hunky dory, perfect.
You're just what I need in my life.
Now open your mouth..
...and drink your milk.
Drink.
One, two, unbutton the shoe.
Three, four, open more.
Oh, Bernard, I've been
very worried about you.
You know, you-you haven't been
at all well tonight.
Now, darling, I don't want you to be tense
or feel confined or..
...or cramped or..
...or anything.
Oh, gosh! Barb..
You're a little klutzy, aren't you?
- Difficult age.
- Excuse me.
Uh, sorry.
Never mind, hon.
Mama taught me everything.
Everything mama knew.
Oh, sweetheart,
now you've got your pants in it.
Take them off, and I'll fix them for you.
It's probably the only pair you've got.
I'll be back.
¶ Come ¶
¶ And talk of all the things we did today ¶
¶ Here ¶
¶ And laugh about our funny little ways ¶
¶ While we have a few minutes to breathe ¶
¶ Then I know
that it's time you must leave ¶
¶ But darling be home soon ¶
¶ I couldn't bear to wait
an extra minute if you dawdled ¶
¶ My darling be home soon ¶
¶ It's not just these few hours ¶
¶ But I've been waiting since I toddled ¶
¶ For the great relief
of having you to talk to ¶
¶ And now ¶
¶ A quarter of my life is almost past ¶
¶ I think I've come to see myself at last ¶
¶ And I see that the time spent confused ¶
¶ Was the time that I spent without you ¶
¶ And I feel myself in bloom ¶
¶ So darling be home soon ¶
¶ I couldn't bear to wait
an extra minute if you dawdled ¶
¶ My darling be home soon ¶
¶ It's not just these few hours ¶
¶ But I've been waiting since I toddled ¶
¶ For the great relief
of having you to talk to ¶
¶ So darling ¶
¶ My darling be home soon ¶
¶ I couldn't bear to wait
an extra minute if you dawdled ¶
¶ My darling be home soon ¶
¶ It's not just these few hours ¶
¶ But I've been waiting since I toddled ¶
¶ For the great relief
of having you to talk to ¶
¶ Go ¶
¶ And beat your crazy head
against the sky ¶
¶ Try ¶
¶ And see beyond the houses and your eyes ¶
¶ It's okay to shoot the moon ¶
- What's that?
- Oh, sugar baby.
Easter Bunny's got a wild headache.
You don't mind.
We'll sleep.
I'll make it up to you in the morning.
Okay? Pup.
¶ It's not just these few hours ¶
¶ But I've been waiting
since I toddled for the great ¶¶
Well, what about the record player?
Turns off all by itself.
Bernie baby, don't be sad.
Barbara knows you tried your best.
But your spirit was really not positive.
Bye-bye.
Del Grado.
Yes, IH?
I need someone to help me in the vault.
Uh, is Amy Partlett here?
Uh, haven't seen her all morning, IH.
She do?
No, I'll manage.
IH?
Yes?
There's a Ms. Thing here to see you.
- Reference to what?
- Bernard. What else?
Ah, I, uh, I am Bernard's landlady.
Oh, yes, Ms. Thing with the arm.
Ah, would you get my son, Del Grado? Yes.
Mr. Chanticleer, there's something
I think you should know.
- I'm listening.
- Hm!
So is the world. Hm!
- Mr. Chanticleer, last night...
- Oh..
You shouldn't have done that,
Ms. Thing. This is a time vault.
Well, be that as it may, I want you to know
that I run a respectable
apartment building.
Well, I run a respectable son.
- Ha!
- What does that mean?
Last night Bernard left all spruced up
after supper. Then it began.
Hey. Where you've been, lover boy?
You've been up all night, haven't you?
I know, I recognize the sign.
Bloodshot, black rings
worn out, bad posture.
No doubt about it.
Bernard's growing up after all.
If I had a boy, and if he got calls
from a girl every 15 minutes
and he never came home at all,
out all night
didn't even come back in
the morning to brush his teeth
ha, I suggest that he spent the night.. Ah!
- What?
- The Lord save me.
- What is it?
- Oh, that filthy thing. Oh..
Oh, yes, one of the finest examples
of incunabulum collections. Very rare.
I'll thank you to keep
your incunabula to yourself.
Oh, my God!
- Your father wants to see you.
- Thanks for telling me.
- You know, I know your trouble.
- You do?
- Take a whiff.
- What for?
It'll clear up your sinus.
- Take you on a trip.
- I've been on it.
Sure, but you're not enjoying it, are you?
- Enjoy what?
- Anything.
You don't put your soul into it, Bernard.
Now, for God's sake,
if you wanna be sinful, fine.
If you wanna have a mistress,
fine. But enjoy it.
Bye, lover boy.
Open this door immediately.
Yes, but, uh, the door won't open.
Not for another three-and-a-half minutes.
- Now..
- Oh, trapped.
Trapped in the pornography
collection of a fiend.
We have every reason to believe
that this door will open
in three minutes, five seconds now.
Oh..
Hey, will somebody
shut this thing off, please?
Hey, the milk machine.
Bernard, I have to talk to you.
Hi, Amy.
- Where have you been?
- Oh, I've been out.
I tried to call you all
last night, every 15 minutes.
Some old lady
kept calling me terrible names.
Just keep your incunabula
and stay where you are.
Please, calm yourself.
I assure you, my intentions...
Intentions? I know about intentions.
My brother told me all about men
and their intentions.
Bernard, you're not even listening to me.
I'm listening. I'm just having
a little trouble.
You like milk?
Bernard, come and sit down with me.
- You can tell me here.
- Okay, listen.
Your father made a pass at me.
Stop or I'll kill you, I swear it!
Oh! Ms. Thing, please.
That's "Ovid's Ars Amores."
It was terrible!
- My poor mother.
- Poor me!
'Calm down, Amy.'
Hey, will somebody
shut this thing off? Please!
Bernard, don't you care about me at all?
I care!
Let's get out of here.
Three, two, one. Whammo!
You degenerate! You maniac. Mani..
Father?
Ah..
That will be all, Del Grado.
Well, where were you last night?
- Out.
- Don't play games with me.
Big boy, where were you?
I remember when you found
the Gutenberg Bible
for the library.
I saved the newspaper article.
What are you talking about, Bernard?
I thought that was terrific.
'Bernard!'
Bernard, come back here!
Barbara.
Phone booth? You spend your time
in phone booths?
No, I didn't wanna go in.
Why do you have to work there?
Everybody looks up your dress.
Don't you feel guilty?
Look, Bernie baby,
I haven't known you too long
but it seems to me that you're
getting to be a regular noodge.
Remember when you wrote
that sweet letter to me?
I thought you'd be a person
that would be fun to be with.
There.
There, never mind.
Barbara's here and-and she won't be cruel.
Hm?
Better?
Better.
Tell you what, sunshine?
You go to your little room
and get all your things
and bring them back to my place.
Your place?
You're gonna stay with me from now on.
How would that be? Huh?
You mean it?
Oh, Bernard, you know I mean it.
"And good riddance. Ms. Nora Thing."
"Bernard.. Love, mother."
Barbara, I'm here.
'Bernie, put your things away.'
'I've-I've made room
in the medicine cabinet.'
'I'll be out in a second.'
I'm here.
- What's this?
- My mother.
No.
What's this? Hair? You collect hair?
No. She sends it to me in letters.
Who are you anyhow?
But, Barbara, you said..
Just get this junk the hell out of here.
What do you think you're doing? Moving in?
I don't need a klutz like you
moving in here for.
You dumb cunt.
Now, I don't wanna see you hanging around
or bothering me,
following me around places.
You understand?
And take your hair and get out of my life.
'Bernard?'
'Bernard, sweet cookie.'
'You're all Barbara has
in this cold, cold world.'
'Barbara needs you.'
Baby, don't leave me now.
Sweetheart, come up here.
It's going to be a cold night tonight
and your baby needs you, honeycomb.
I need you, baby.
I need you to come up here
and stay with me.
Come up here!
Just come up here right now!
Bernie-comb.
What are you doing?
Honey? Honey, you're not to blame.
After all, you, you're very young
and-and you can't be expected
to just rush into things.
I mean, well, in time, anything can happen.
Well..
You might meet some sweet-natured girl.
Sweet-natured and patient girl.
And you'd make her as happy
as happy as a sweet-natured,
patient girl could expect to be.
I mean, I don't think
it's anything serious.
Although, maybe you ought to see a doctor.
Barbara..
...would you..
Would you marry me?
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
Marriage is not just
the meeting of two minds.
It's much more, really.
I mean, do you think that you are
or ever would be ready?
I, I...
Will to have sex?
What's wrong with me?
Nothing that a firing squad couldn't fix.
Won't you try to take
a little alphabet soup, ma'am?
It's nice and hot.
Just tell me what happened.
Who did it to ya?
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh..
Oh, excuse me.
Uh, isn't this Ms. Thing's building?
- Yeah, this is her room here.
- Oh!
But you can't see no one
on account of she's hysterical.
'Tell them to go away, whoever they are.'
- 'Who are they?'
- Oh, it's Margery Chanticleer.
And I came to get my boy.
'Oh, that poor woman. Let her come in.'
Please give Bernard back to me immediately.
I gave Bernard back to you yesterday.
Francis put all his things in the hallway
and he took them with him.
Dog!
Dog, you're what I need.
Well, why didn't you call me
when he stayed out all night?
I thought it was something
Mr. Chanticleer ought
to know about, and he..
Oh, you poor woman. Oh..
'Oh! Oh!'
She's been like this ever since yesterday.
- 'Oh..'
- Hysterical!
I want to know where my son is.
I must know where he is.
Then you should ask the little tramp
he's been spending his nights with.
Oh..
- Bernard?
- Who is she?
Do you remember her name?
What did she look like? Was she pretty?
She was older than him, wasn't she?
She called that night
he stayed out every 15 minutes.
She gave me her name and number.
I wrote it on the wall by the phone.
I'll show you.
Francis.
"Police department, fire department
uh, vice squad."
Uh, oh, here it is!
"A-X-4-9-9-5-0.
Amy Partlett."
- Who are you?
- Me? I'm nobody.
Where is my son? Give Bernard back to me.
- I don't know where Bernard is.
- She's lying.
- Are you lying, miss?
- Honest, officer.
I don't know a thing. I was just
looking for Bernard myself.
Oh, come now.
You're not the sort of girl
you'd call ignorant.
Why, you're the girl who works
in my husband's office.
- Heh-heh. Figures.
- Gee, Mrs. Chanticleer.
I'm really worried about Bernard.
I don't you know
whether I'm coming or going.
Going, if I have anything to say about it.
I am going to talk to my husband
immediately, Ms. Partlett.
- About you!
- Me?
Uh..
Well, if you're composed now, ma'am
I'll be gettin' down to the precinct.
- Francis...
- I don't feel too good..
About leaving you alone.
I mean, if there was a violation
of some sort
committed against your person
the best thing would be to relate it
to your nearest police officer.
Which is me.
Which is you.
Besides, I've got a..
...personal interest.
Do you, Francis?
I better go.
Gonna be late getting back to dirty..
Oh, duty.
Francis.
If, uh, if I told you
that at my age
a man still found me attractive
uh, what would you think?
Well, I think you're..
Yes, attractive. Sure!
Well, uh, more than attractive.
Uh... desirable?
Desirable enough that a, a man
with position and family
would throw it all out the window
just because I was, um..
...so desirable.
Well, I can appreciate that, ma'am.
I can remember telling your late brother
"Your sister," I said, "your sister..."
To hell with my brother.
Just tell me what you as a policeman
think of me as a woman.
Rover has been stolen!
Oh, my God! My God!
Rover has been stolen!
I've looked at her as an ideal,
too good to touch.
That's been my problem.
But she is only a woman.
And I'm a man.
I've got to keep that in mind.
First thing is that I need a key.
I need a key, I'll tell her.
- I need a key...
- Oh, I, come on in, lover boy.
What are you doing here?
I came to get you,
at your father's request.
What would you like to drink, Bernard?
You drink, uh, milk, right?
- Milk.
- Where's Barbara?
Well, Barbara isn't exactly in a position
to receive guests right now.
Barbara!
Barbsy baby!
'Hm?'
Bernie-combs is here to see you.
Bernard, how are you?
Oh, you and Raef are good friends.
I-I didn't know that.
Barbsy and I are now good friends.
Yes.
I'll get my things.
Bernard's upset!
Poor Bernard! Cry little, Bernard.
Bernard, why are you gettin' so..
Don't forget mother's hair.
Bernard.
I won't be needing this now.
I thought you'd like it as a souvenir.
I don't want it.
I'm not gonna leave here
screaming and furious
because I think you'd like that.
That's why you wanted me here
in the first place.
I'm gonna leave here calmly
wishing the two of you great luck
because of the millions
of people you could have found
you found each other.
'And you deserve each other.'
Bye.
Come, Dog.
Dog!
Humphrey, Humphrey
will you please tell her that she's fired?
- I've heard enough from her.
- Yes, dear.
I told Mrs. Chanticleer that I
was just looking for him myself.
Really, I think you ought
to call the police stations
and the hospitals.
What are you talking about?
He's not in a hospital.
Humphrey, please,
tell her that she is fired.
She's just making a suggestion, dear.
Oh, we don't need her suggestion.
- You are fired!
- Why? I didn't do anything.
You have the nerve to fire me?
Ah, don't say anything rash.
Just remain quiet, calm
and carefully consider
that if you were to resign
that it might be possible
to find you a better job.
Oh, Bernard!
- Bernard...
- No, don't grab me.
- Bernard, are you alright?
- Yes, I am, thank you.
But I haven't much time.
Daddy, mummy..
- I'm leaving.
- Leaving?
What are you talking about?
- Where are you going, big boy?
- Well..
I'm not sure yet.
But I'm leaving today.
Where I go will be my own choice.
Oh! Well, we could all
spend a week on Cape Cod.
Come on, my little baby.
Look, we can forget all our troubles
in the sea, in the sky.
Just daddy and mommy
and my baby.
You'll love Cape Cod.
We'll go swimming every day...
I hate Cape Cod!
I don't wanna go anywhere with you.
I wanna get away from you.
- I'll take Dog.
- Well, Rover is gone forever.
- Someone stole him!
- His name is Dog!
D-O-G, Dog!
He's my dog and that's what
I chose to name him. Dog!
I could have named him Rover or Spot
or Fighter or anything,
but I didn't. I named him Dog!
Excuse me, IH, but I just found
Bernard's dog, Rover.
And where have you been
all this morning, Del Grado?
- You're fired!
- Dog!
Bernard!
You left some of your things at my place.
What were his things doing in your place?
Well, uh, he spent
a few nights there with me.
You're Bernard's mother.
I recognize you from your hair.
You..
You slut!
Please, would you mind
apologizing to my wife-to-be?
- Are you Chanticleer?
- No, please, please.
- You're gonna marry her?
- Let go of my husband!
You degenerate! And to think
you're also a public servant.
True marriage of mind and body.
- Let go of him!
- Alright, Francis.
Let him go! I told you I got out
before he could attack me.
Oh.. Oh-oh!
Margery, your lint is settling
on the Gutenberg Bible.
To hell with your Gutenberg Bible.
- I hate your Gutenberg Bible!
- Oh, Bernard!
No! Bernard, no! Someone stop him!
Del Grado, you're hired! Stop him!
Right! Hey, you, stop!
Bernard!
Big boy!
Bring back my Bible, big boy!
Bernie! Bernie-comb!
Rover, come on!
'Good afternoon, shoppers,
we are indeed having some..'
'Please be sure..'
Come on! Rover!
'...on the fourth floor'
'and men's department on the fifth floor.'
Ah!
Rover, I order you.
Barbara is famous now!
Who is this darling Barbara Darling
who hit a rare-book thief over
the head with a mannequin leg
and saved the Gutenberg Bible
for the city of New York?
And who's this Raef del Grado
poet she's gonna marry?
That's right.
Who are you?
Me? I'm Raef. You love me, remember?
Barbara Darling, the lovely young actress.
- Hey, me...
- Whose autobiography..
Me, Barbara, what about me?
Get lost.
- Out you go.
- Why?
You're out in custody.
Your bail's been paid.
I've been in the custody of my parents
for almost 20 years now.
And they have taught me
nothing but self-doubt
frustration and perpetual guilt.
I'm gonna be in my own custody from now on.
I won't go!
A nice-looking girl paid it.
I'll go.
Hello, Bernard.
Hello.
Disappointed it's me
and not her, aren't you?
No.
If you say so.
Where'd you get the money?
She made a fool out of you
and you still wish
she was here instead of me?
I'm just surprised it was you.
I was sure she'd come back
to see what a mess I am.
Please don't call yourself a mess.
You don't know how much it hurts me
when you call yourself a mess.
I have something for you, Bernard.
What is it?
Found this place where they sell
fries and pretzels.
¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ 'Cause you're a big boy now ¶
¶ And the great big world ¶
¶ Daddy threw before you ¶
¶ With the pretty faces ¶
¶ And the claws that tore you ¶
¶ And it's all so different
when you get to sources ¶
¶ And love will make you strong ¶
¶ As a team of wild horses ¶
¶ I know there's things
you never thought before ¶
¶ That have to do
with walkin' out old doors ¶
¶ You've been prepared
as long as time allowed ¶
¶ Well I don't know how
but you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ 'Cause you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ Well I don't know how ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ But you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶¶
but you're looking so well ¶
¶ That I gotta stop and say
How do you do? ¶
¶ I know it's a long shot
but judging what she's got ¶
¶ I'm hoping that my judgement's true ¶
¶ Hey girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶
¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶
¶ I'm just mad for your outsides ¶
¶ Mm that's what my inside says ¶
¶ If only I could walk up and tell her ¶
¶ But it seems so far from me to her ¶
¶ And the ground is so unfamiliar ¶
¶ Well I wish that I knew
'cause I'd be in a stew ¶
¶ If my little speech
sounded like a phony line ¶
¶ I know that it's doubtful
'cause she's heard a mouthful ¶
¶ Of come on up and see me sometime ¶
¶ Hey girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶
¶ Girl wrapped up in fur
I'm just mad for your outsides ¶
¶ Well you never can tell
but you're looking so well ¶
¶ That I gotta stop and say
How do you do? ¶
¶ I know it's a long shot
but judging what she's got ¶
¶ I'm hoping that my judgement's true ¶
¶ Hey girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶
¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶
¶ I'm just mad for your outsides ¶
¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶¶
You absolutely must not use
the book elevator, Bernard.
Who is she?
It's illegal, it's dangerous
'and it's only gonna get you into trouble.'
Reading Room main, Del Grado speaking.
'My son has just stepped out'
'of the book elevator, Del Grado.'
- 'Put him on.'
- Hm. Double trouble.
Especially when it's your own father
and he has eyes everywhere.
Can you hear me, dad?
'I'll see you in my office
right now, big boy.'
'Say, uh, Bernard,
when you call your father dad'
are you really thinking daddy?
Hm, which is his real name
but inappropriate when you're pushing 20.
'I don't know what to call him anymore.'
Well, let's see. Pop.
- Too jolly.
- Mm-hmm.
- How about papa?
- 'Sounds kind of foreign.'
Well, father is as phony as dad.
It's a great problem deciding
what to call your father
when you're all grown up.
You know, you could use his initials.
IH?
He's waiting for you, Bernard.
- International harvester.
- He's mad.
Internal hemorrhage.
Come in, Bernard.
Sit down.
Your mother's here.
Why are you wearing your eyeglasses?
You promised me
that you would never wear those.
Excuse me, mom.
Now let's forget about eyeglasses today.
- Margery.
- I won't forget about them.
We spent $200 for contact lenses
and he never wears it.
'I don't wanna talk about
contact lenses, eyeglasses'
chlorophyll pills,
bow legs or plastic surgery.
- I wanna talk about our son.
- That is our son.
- Bernard..
- I-I'm listening, dad.
How long have you been working
here at the library?
One month, father.
- Are you happy here?
- Yes, pop.
Then why do you embarrass me
every time you get the chance?
Bernard, Bernard, what are you doing?
- Lost my lens.
- Oh, don't anybody move.
- Nobody move.
- Del Grado, wake up!
- Get in here.
- Yes, yes, IH.
Now find my son's contact lens.
Bernard, sit.
Right. Uh, Bernard,
was it the right or the left?
- Just look for it.
- He embarrasses me, too.
But that's just the way he is.
I mean, I won't blame myself.
- I won't, I won't!
- 'Yes, IH?'
- Nothing! Nothing.
- What way am I?
Damned irresponsible,
that's what you are, big boy.
But you can rest assured,
once aware of the fact
that one's irresponsibility
is as just as much
one's parents' responsibility
as one's own responsibility.
I'm sorry I embarrass you,
daddy, and-and you, mommy.
Mom.
I'm even sorry I embarrass myself.
Ha! I found it.
- Oh, how nice of you.
- That's all, Del Grado.
Thanks, Raef.
I'll wait till you put it
in your other eye.
'Careful, careful. Don't.. Oh. Oh.'
'Careful, darling. That's, right there.'
'Ooh, a little to the left.'
Oh, there it is.
Oh..
Ready, papa.
You've been here a month.
And aside from developing unnatural skills
on roller skates,
you've been a complete failure.
'If your father wasn't much your father is'
'you'd been fired your first week here.'
Now here it is, big boy,
straight and to the point.
- Grow up! Quiet!
- Oh, he's too young.
You're gonna live in
your own apartment in the city
pay for it with your own money.
What do you say to that?
- Terrific!
- Oh, he's too young.
He's too young.
Margery, your lint is settling
on the Gutenberg Bible.
You're going to be lonely
living all by yourself
in that tiny apartment.
You're going to miss
your, your room in Great Neck.
- I know you are.
- Hello, Bernard.
Hi.
I brought Rover along in the car.
We better hurry, I don't
want him getting impatient
all over the upholstery.
Rover.
Big dog, nice dog. Hang dog.
See how excited Rover is to see you?
You know your name isn't Rover?
You're my dog, I christened you
Dog eight years ago
when we were pups together.
Who is that girl
working in your father's office?
- She looks very cheap.
- Nobody special.
Well, what's her name, darling?
Everybody's got a name.
- Even Rover.
- Amy Partlett.
Sometimes I really wonder who's responsible
for hiring people in that office.
Certainly not your father.
'Mother, do you like people's faces?'
I mean, do you ever really
consider them? Or do you ever
think about them?
You haven't been spending your time
with girls like that, have you, Bernard?
I like to invent names for people's faces.
I mean, cheap girls like that.
Barnie Benzadream.
I don't like the way she dresses.
Willy Whileaway.
And the way she wets her lips
with her tongue before she speaks.
- Her teeth are crooked.
- 'Lonely Lozenges.'
I don't want you to associate
with girls of that kind.
Bernard, Rover is scratching
the glove compartment.
- Dog! Dog.
- No, Dog!
- You know his name.
- Oh, that's alright.
Ms. Thing, Rover is just visiting.
No, he'll have to wait outside.
- Oh?
- Well, unless you carry him.
I don't want dog hairs
all over my building.
You're a nice boy. What's your name?
Tell Ms. Thing your name.
- Bernard.
- 'Bernard.'
Bernard was 19 years old just 4 months ago.
Oh! Well, happy birthday, Bernard.
A nice room for nice
birthday boy. Isn't that right?
Bernard, this is Patrolman Graf.
One of New York's finest.
New tenant, Mr. Graf.
This was my older brother's building.
'But he passed away,
and I guess it's all mine now.'
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Even his rooster.
He had a pet rooster.
'Oh, well, he left me everything he had.'
But in his will it stipulated
that the rooster must live
on the fifth floor,
unmolested, in perpetuity.
Oh, careful, Mrs. Chanticleer
my brother's rooster hates females.
He just barely tolerates me.
Shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo. Oh!
Stand back. Shoo.
Oh, look at that.
He's already made friends.
- 'Ah.'
- Ha-ha-ha..
Well, here it is.
And may it ever be so humble.
Oh, I don't know about these stairs.
Bernard's right leg is one full inch
shorter than his left leg, you know?
- Oh.
- 'I don't mind the stairs. I... '
And rooster, you say, in the city?
- That attacks people?
- Well, not people, only girls.
Oh. Girls only?
The younger and the prettier,
the more he hates them.
- Claws at their nylons.
- Is that a fact?
- I think it's nice.
- So do I, darling.
Oh, why don't you and Rover
go in and look around the room
while mommy and Ms. Thing
have a little chat?
WC.
Warring countries.
Now, here's enough
for three telephone calls.
And when you use up the three
I'll give you enough for three more.
Welcome Communists.
Bear with me, I must know if
there are girls telephoning him.
Bernard has not been able
to deal with life yet.
And he's certainly not ready for girls.
See? Bernard baby, are you alright?
Bernard? Bernard?
Goodbye, Mrs. Chanticleer.
Everything will be fine. Fine.
Call me whenever you're depressed, Bernard.
I will, mother.
And remember my promise.
If you don't smoke until you're 21
you'll get a special no-smoking present.
- Bye.
- Say goodbye to Rover.
- He's brokenhearted.
- Goodbye, Dog.
Now, don't eat too much.
Don't stay out late.
Don't go to suspicious places
to play cards.
And stay away from girls.
But most of all, Bernard, try to be happy.
"Niggers go home."
But where's home?
Home is where the heart is.
Yeah, but where are their hearts?
My heart's in the highlands.
Gosh! Amy. Oh, you..
I don't usually come to places
like this. I mean, I just dro...
Don't be embarrassed
about being here, Bernard.
Not on my account.
I mean, I'm only too happy
to, to bump into you.
I mean, really I.. I..
When you first came to, um, the library
I thought I saw you some place before.
I mean, uh, I liked you.
Then I remembered that I remembered you
some place, so I went..
I knew I had seen your face
before, so I went home
and I looked in the old school book
PS 109, and there you were.
- P.. Did you go to PS 109?
- Yes, so did you.
Say, when? I went to PS 33.
Then I went to PS 78,
then I went-went to PS 109.
- I don't remember you. No.
- But-but I remember you.
I wanna tell you,
I remember you because you
one day you came into our classroom
you had made a suit of armor
out of Reynolds aluminum wrap.
Hey, I-I remember that,
I came into the classroom
like, I was all dressed up
in that thing looking..
I remember that. But I don't
remember you, though.
Did you see me wearing that thing?
- Yes, you looked wonderful.
- Oh.
That was great. I remember.
- You looked great!
- Six rolls.
Of Reynolds aluminum..
I just remember you were looking sweet.
But wait a minute.. Were you..
I was in the back row I think.
- Who was the teacher?
- But you were far away.
Remember I always used to wait
for my father
to take me by the five-cent pretzel man.
Those pretzels are 15 cents now
and they aren't as good.
There wasn't any pretzel man at PS 109.
That must have been PS 33.
What difference does it make where it was?
The pretzels are 15 cents now.
Oh.
Do you remember me from PS 109?
No. I only remember the pretzels.
I'll see you.
Hey, Amy.
- Yeah?
- 'Hey, I do remember you.'
It was PS 109. That wasn't PS 78.
I came into your class in
my Reynolds aluminum wrap on.
Hey, but, Amy, you were so ugly..
...then.
Hello, big boy.
Who? Me?
Who else?
I don't understand.
It wasn't meant that we understand, Bernard
but that we see the bacteria in the dust
in the rays of the dying sun,
and not ask questions.
What-what kind of questions?
Well, you take me too literally, Bernard.
Now look, I'm a poet,
and I'm a little vague.
But that's the secret of my success.
Well, what kind of success?
With girls. Girls!
That's what's on your mind day
and night, isn't it, Bernard?
That's why you're late for work,
why you walk into walls
misfile your books. Girls.
Now look, some morning
when it's sunny and windy
we'll go out and fly kites
and I'll explain all the mysteries away.
Oh, don't you think it's very odd
that we should kneel and pray to God
when by all accounts we might
send our problems up by kites?
You know, Bernard, if you wanna grow up
'first thing you got to do
is learn how to smoke.'
Okay. Smoke what?
Ah. You learn fast. Come here.
- What is it?
- Cigarette, Bernard.
Looks pretty badly made to me.
Mm. Bernard.
Oh, uh, by the way, I have a little
scented missive here for you.
Mm. Signed AP. Guess what?
Associated Press.
Amy Partlett, Bernard.
Now look, you, uh
want to get past that awkward stage, right?
You wanna grow up, right?
- I'm dying to grow up.
- Right.
Then you need a girl who's, uh, willing.
I said loving.
Amy Partlett, Bernard.
She's interested in you.
'She says right there, "Dear Bernard'
I had a wonderful time
last night talking to you. AP."
- Amy Partlett is not willing.
- Oh!
He said with horror on his face.
Bernard, what do you think sex is?
- Shh! Raef.
- Sex, Bernard.
Sexy, sexual, sextet, sextant
sex-tenial, sexagenarian.
- Raef, that is immoral.
- So, still a virgin, huh?
Go on, you can tell old Raef.
- Yeah, I am.
- Uh-oh! Bernard, look..
String broke.
No, no. I cut it.
- You did what?
- I cut the string, Bernard.
We had no right to bring that thing down.
Anyway, I always do it that way.
But isn't that a waste?
My son, your way is a waste.
I'm very sorry you didn't
appreciate the ritual.
I did, really.
Look, you cut your hand on the kite string.
- It's inevitable.
- Then..
Why don't you wear gloves?
Pain is part of it all.
- Of what?
- Freedom.
Look.
'Raef'
do you see... her?
Oh, yeah. I see her.
I've seen her and seen her.
- 'Who is she?'
- Oh, she's an actress.
I, uh, I know a friend who knows a friend
who knows a friend who knows her.
What's her name?
'Darling. Barbara Darling.'
Aah, but come on, Bernard,
uh, AP is waiting for you.
AP? Who is AP?
Another problem.
¶ Well you never can tell
but you're looking so well ¶
¶ That I gotta stop and say
How do you do? ¶
¶ I know it's a long shot
but judging what she's got ¶
¶ I'm hoping that my judgement's true ¶
¶ Hey girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶
¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶
¶ I'm just mad for your outsides ¶
¶ Mm that's what my inside says ¶
¶ If only I could walk up and tell her ¶
¶ But it seems so far from me to her ¶
¶ And the ground is so unfamiliar ¶
I'm certainly glad
you brought me here tonight.
Yeah. Terrific in here, isn't it?
I can't hear you.
Yeah. Terrific in here, isn't it?
¶ I know that it's doubtful ¶
I didn't know you smoked.
¶ See me sometime ¶
Oh, yeah, all the time.
¶ Beautiful girl can I look ¶¶
Just my luck, whenever I go anywhere
the lights always come up!
Mine do.
Hey, Bernard, how come
you're sitting way over there?
That's not friendly.
I don't know.
Didn't you ever hear the expression
"Like father, like son?"
Barbara.
Bernard?
Come on and dance with me, Bernard.
I can't.
Come on. I'll show you how.
I-I can't dance.
Come on with me.
Me!
Me!
- I wanna go somewhere else.
- Okay.
- Bernard, I like you.
- I like you, too, Amy.
I mean, really.
Why don't you show me where you live?
I'd, I'd love to see your new apartment.
Really, I would.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Why don't you take me there?
- Now?
- Come on. Now.
¶ Whoo ¶
¶ Whoo ¶
You like my mouth?
'Yeah.'
Okay.
You're funny. You really are funny.
You don't know anything, do you?
About what?
About love.
About all the sweet things.
¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your inside? ¶
¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶
¶ I'm just mad for your outsides ¶
¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I look at your insides? ¶
¶ Girl ¶
¶ Girl ¶¶
- Hold it! I got it!
- What is that?
- It's a rooster!
- I'm okay!
Help me! Help!
- I got it!
- Caught you with a girl.
Wait till your mother hears about this.
Ow!
What's the nature of this disturbance?
- Officer, help me.
- Everybody against the wall.
- Stop him!
- Quiet, everybody!
I'm going to call your mother right now
and this call will count
as one of the three.
- Ms. Thing, no, don't!
- Ah!
If she's dead, you'll burn.
You do remember your mother,
don't you, Bernard?
Yes, dad.
'Were you remembering your mother'
when you attacked your landlady last night?
Bernard, breaking
Ms. Thing's arm was one thing.
But did you have to bring
a girl up to your room?
I'm sorry.
I don't want you to see that girl again.
Hey, get over there, big boy.
- Pay attention.
- To what?
You have disgraced us, Bernard.
You know that.
I'm sorry I disgraced you.
But, hell, I'm not sorry for liking girls.
I should tell your father you're talking
that way in front of his wife.
- 'Umbrella!'
- But, mom..
I am no longer your mother.
Umbrella!
Not after last night.
Why should I feel guilty
about liking girls?
My heartbeat goes up.
That's involuntary, isn't it?
I don't mind girls.
It is tramps that I object to.
You know she's a tramp, I can tell by that
guilty expression
written all over your face.
You're right. Every time I look
at a girl, I feel guilty.
- Apologize to your mother.
- 'I'm sorry again.'
Margery.
You think maybe we've been too
tough on him, we've cut him off completely?
Well, I didn't want him
to go live alone in the city.
It wasn't me.
Big boy, I want you to understand that..
Margery, please.
...that one's mother
and one's father loved one..
Only too much.
- Let's FN. Family night.
- FN?
We'll, uh, meet you in the city
for dinner one night a week.
We'll take you out to a concert,
or maybe a play.
- How does that sound?
- But what about that girl?
All is forgiven this time, Margery.
We'll put it in the darkroom,
we'll see what develops.
Hm.. Vamos.
FN.
Fried noodles.
Fish nougat.
Family nonsense.
Oh, aren't we having fun?
Ah! Oh..
Here we are, trapped.
Never spent a night
in a department store before..
Plenty of other places,
but never in a department store.
Hey, I oughta tell you
about my door-opener.
Doctor's here, I would cry.
Waltzing into the living room.
Who called for the doctor?
I didn't call for the doctor.
Well, I'm hale and hearty still,
as you can see.
My doctor used to say to me,
you will live to be a 100!
- You?
- 'Me?'
- You?
- Yes, you.
- Me?
- A 100? Ha-ha..
- 'How old are you then?'
- I'm not saying.
- That's old.
- Oh!
- What? What's that?
- What?
Let's get on with it.
I wanna see him do it.
- 'Ah, do what?'
- 'What?'
This is built for him.
The one under the red,
white and blue dust cover.
Dust, uh, cover.
It's quite significant when
nothing means what it seems to mean
'and then you get an idea
of what a lot it means.'
Reality is expanded.
That's great, dad.
He can't reach.
Oh. It is filthy. He's going to..
Oh, no..
I can't.
I can't!
You shut your eyes and kiss her.
Dear Barbara Darling.
I'm only an ordinary assistant in a library
without much to recommend me.
But I saw the "Department Store" last night
and I haven't been able to forget you.
I must admit that I didn't understand
an awful lot of the play
but I thought you were wonderful
and displayed enormous talent.
And the finest thing
that could ever happen to me
would be if I could meet you.
I doubt if you even bothered to read this
but if you did, you'd make me very happy.
Yours most sincerely, Bernard Chanticleer.
¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Can I.. ¶¶
¶ Well you never can tell
but you're looking so well ¶
'I can't!'
There, I'll show you.
¶ I know it's a long shot ¶
¶ But judging what she's got ¶
- You bitch!
- Go to hell.
You see how to do it?
You shut your eyes and kiss her.
Next time you pull a stunt
like that on stage
I'm gonna slug you right in the mouth.
'My tongue is actually bleeding.'
So is my heart.
Ah, you little bitch, say this...
Take a bath fast before you try
getting near me on stage.
Have that suit cleaned and burnt.
Bitch, sadist!
Everybody's darling.
Story of a star before she happens
as told to Richard Mudd
friend, confidant, author,
television personality.
Fifth edition, chapter one
in which we examine
what makes her tick. Youth.
- What is it?
- 'A letter for you.'
Slip it under the door,
and don't bother me.
'Barbara is like'
'any other girl..'
Just more beautiful.
The other girls hate Barbara
because she's always the prettiest.
All the boys want to play with Barbara..
...even..
- Even..
- 'Even..'
Even Kurt Dougherty, a 53-year-old
albino hypnotherapist with a wooden leg.
Fifty-three-year-old albino hypnotherapist?
With a wooden leg.
Friend of the family.
- Caught you?
- Yes.
Thought so.
Parents send Barbara away
to Halibut Hills Girls School.
Catch you?
Yes.
Ah, tell me now, what do you
think of Kurt Dougherty
after all those years?
I hate his guts
along with every other male I've ever met.
Except for you, bunny.
- You want to get some din-din?
- No.
I'm going home to go straight to bed.
Okay.
Oh. Don't forget you letter.
- Ciao.
- Ciao.
Dear Barbara Darling
I'm only an ordinary assistant
in a library.
But I saw the "Department Store" last night
and I haven't been able to forget you.
Darling Bernard.
Well, what a sweet letter.
I, uh, was very deeply touched.
Why don't you come to the theater
after the performance one night?
The doorman will show you
where my dressing room is.
Of course, I'm not always dressed there.
Ha-ha.
Love..
...Barbara Darling.
Hello, friend of my youth.
Hello, tongue.
Yuck!
- You stink.
- I stink, therefore I am.
Good morning, Ms. Thing.
Are you feeling better?
- Your arm's okay?
- Yes. No, thank you.
Here's a letter from your mother.
"Bernard love,
remember everything I told you.
Here's a lock of my hair
to remind you. Mom."
I always get hair from my mother.
Once I went away to summer camp
she sent me enough to stuff a mattress.
I thought she'd be bald when I got home.
- I'm late for duty.
- Oh, don't forget your pistol.
Mm, kind of perfumey to me.
I don't know whether
I ought to give this to you
without clearing it with your mother.
- Another letter for me?
- Mm.
Smelling in the same perfume
you're soaked in.
This isn't perfume, it's aftershave lotion.
I spilled half a bottle of it on my shirt.
It's the same perfume.
I haven't smelled it yet.
Lavender. Mm. Lovely lavender.
- I forgot my gun.
- Ah.
He's helpless without me.
Ms. Thing, the privacy of the mail
is guaranteed by federal law.
Well, at least tell me
who the letter's from.
- BD. Guess who?
- Bad Democrats?
- Ha-ha..
- Excuse me.
Is this draft-card burner
giving you more trouble, ma'am?
Oh, no. It's alright, Francis.
Because I've had experience
with this kind of kid.
- No, thank you, Francis.
- I see these kids all day.
- They all take LSD.
- Bye. Have a nice day.
BD. Barbara Darling.
Barbara Darling?
Please, Ms. Thing.
- Cookie, Bernard?
- Thanks.
Please, can I have my letter?
I think we ought to have a talk.
I'll read and give it right back.
You have no idea what a pleasure it is
for a lonely old woman to talk to you.
Even if it's only for a minute.
There, I did it, didn't I?
Did what?
Admitted I was lonely... and old.
Well, gosh, I'm lonely
and young. I'm always lonely.
- Even when I'm with people.
- 'Oh.'
Especially when I'm with people.
You're a sweet boy, Bernard.
And bright.
So I know you'll understand all
the advice I'm going to give.
Here's your letter.
Last week I was 19..
...today I'm 42.
Hm.
If I had an eggshell
for every day I've spent alone..
...I'd, I'd, um..
'You'd..'
I'd have a lot of eggshells.
'It was different when I was your age.'
'Our parents were strict,
so was my brother Gus.'
'I was never allowed to be alone with Bo.'
'Gus went everywhere.'
'Well, it was part of a tradition'
'saving yourself for marriage.'
Oh!
'Here's me the next year'
'at Atlantic City.'
Hm. Oh!
Here's me the next year at Coney Island.
Gus died.
But his upbringing remained a part of me.
So did his rooster.
Oh, another cookie, Bernard?
No. No, thanks. They were wonderful.
And your pictures were very good, too.
I was wondering..
...who took them?
- Passing strangers.
- Oh.
You see, you forgot all about your letter.
Yeah, I, I guess I did.
I mean, it's from a girl.
I-I guess I might as well
open it anyway, hm?
Barbara Darling. Barbara Darling.
Barbara Darling. Barbara Darling.
"Darling Bernard.
"My, what a sweet letter.
I was very deeply touched.
"Why don't you come to the theater
"after the performance one night?
"The doorman will show you
where my dressing room is
though I'm not always dre.."
- She's not always what?
- Uh..
- I'm not always... there.
- Oh.
"Love, Barbara."
Ms. Thing
I got a letter from Barbara Darling.
- Oh. Oh..
- Oh. Oh..
¶ You know there's things
you never thought before ¶
¶ That have to do
with walkin' out old doors ¶
¶ You've been prepared
as long as time allowed ¶
¶ Well I don't know how ¶
¶ But you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ 'Cause you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You know the girls
are taking notice of you ¶
¶ They say your hair is getting curly too ¶
¶ So shave today
you shave tomorrow as well ¶
¶ You're run by you
and not a class-room bell ¶
¶ And I don't know how ¶
¶ But you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ And the great big world
daddy threw before you ¶
¶ With the pretty faces
and the claws that tore you ¶
¶ And it's all so different
when you get to sources ¶
¶ And love will make you strong
as a team of wild horses ¶
I got a letter from Barbara!
Barbara Darling, she sent it to me!
¶ Things you never thought before ¶
¶ That have to do
with walkin' out old doors ¶¶
¶ Girl beautiful girl ¶
¶ Girl wrapped up in fur ¶¶
Darling Bernard, well, what a sweet letter.
I'm not always dressed there.
Bernard, I wanna talk to you.
'Put my son on.'
Sorry, but, you know,
it's your father again.
Yes, dad. I mean, IH. I mean, father.
'You're 75 minutes late, Bernard.'
I'm very sorry, sir, but I have an excuse.
- 'I'm listening.'
- Well..
A very lonely lady wanted
to talk to me and show me her pictures
because she had nothing to show
for her life but eggshells.
'What is that supposed to mean?'
Well, don't you see?
Eggshells are empty.
Dad, are you still in there?
Pop?
Well, wire busted or a fuse blew
or a transistor transgressed.
Ah!
Uh, boy, you can use
your directional signal.
Here.
Have you talked to Amy?
I haven't talked to anybody yet.
I just got in.
You devil!
What happened, huh?
What happened what? Nothing happened.
You know what I mean, Bernard. Come here.
- Try one.
- What for? What is it?
- It's an aspirin.
- I haven't got a headache.
Try it anyway. You'll like it.
Now, shall we welcome you
into the fraternity, hm?
What fraternity? It doesn't
taste like an aspirin to me.
Fraternity of man, Bernard.
Did you score with Amy Partlett or not?
She was a sure thing.
Now, why do you say a thing like that?
- She is a nice person.
- Who? Amy?
Well, don't be so sensitive, Bernard.
You'd get a sunburn. Hm.
Have some more, uh, aspirin.
I mean, I don't happen to think
she's a sure thing.
I think she's a possible thing.
But everybody's possible.
I mean, girl, sooner or later.
Huh, boy, you're a saint from heaven.
Well, forget it.
I have to go back to work.
I'm in trouble today.
Yeah, well, you're in trouble
every day, lover boy.
Now, look, if you're not gonna
cooperate with me
you're not gonna get anywhere.
Maybe I don't wanna go
where you want me to get.
You don't wanna be like me, a poet?
Maybe not.
Well, then you're never gonna
get to meet a girl
like, uh, say, uh, Barbara Darling.
Barbara Darling?
You know, it's funny
you should mention her.
I got a letter from her this morning.
She wants me to drop by
at her dressing room tonight
and kill some time. You know how it is.
What kind of aspirins are these anyway?
'Hey, if you don't mind..'
Hey, old buddy, if you don't mind..
Ow!
You were standing on my foot.
Excuse me?
Come here.
Who are you?
Yeah. Who am I?
I'm Bernard Chanticleer, Ms. Darling.
- Good evening.
- Well, thank you.
Happy New Year to you, too.
You were the one who sent
that letter full of sugar to me?
Yes, I..
Bless you.
Come on in, sugar.
'Close the door.'
Sure.
You like those coffin nails too much.
You better watch out.
Better not cough.
Take off your jacket.
Relax.
Would you like a drink?
- Coffee?
- Coffee?
Nope, no, a drink.
Maybe better coffee.
I mean, a drink of coffee.
I know what's wrong with you.
You would like a glass of milk.
But you're afraid to ask for it
because Barbara will think
you're a little boy.
But it's alright.
You can ask Barbara for a glass of milk
and, and she'll bring it to you.
Come on.
Ask Barbara for a glass of milk.
Say I want a glass of milk.
I want a glass of milk.
You see?
See how easy, sunshine, hm?
Now, the Easter Bunny will pour you
a little glass of milk.
It will be warm and nice..
...and you know what.
I don't know what.
- What? What did you say, hon?
- Nothing.
Just agreeing. I always agree.
What the hell are you doing,
snooping around?
You know, I only invited you here
out of the goodness of my heart!
Damn it, what are you, a conch?
I wasn't snooping. I was just..
I don't know, it just happened.
- Don't talk back to me.
- I'm sorry.
It's alright.
Sweetheart..
'...here's your milk.'
'Come sit with me and, and we'll talk.'
- No.
- Why not?
I'm pinned to the floor.
Bernard! My goodness!
I didn't realize
you were pinned to the floor.
You poor..
There.
Is that better?
Oh, uh, yes, honey. I'll take that.
Look, maybe I better get out of here.
I mean, I know you weren't
expecting anybody like me.
- 'And I'd rather... '
- You're perfect.
Me?
Absolutely hunky dory, perfect.
You're just what I need in my life.
Now open your mouth..
...and drink your milk.
Drink.
One, two, unbutton the shoe.
Three, four, open more.
Oh, Bernard, I've been
very worried about you.
You know, you-you haven't been
at all well tonight.
Now, darling, I don't want you to be tense
or feel confined or..
...or cramped or..
...or anything.
Oh, gosh! Barb..
You're a little klutzy, aren't you?
- Difficult age.
- Excuse me.
Uh, sorry.
Never mind, hon.
Mama taught me everything.
Everything mama knew.
Oh, sweetheart,
now you've got your pants in it.
Take them off, and I'll fix them for you.
It's probably the only pair you've got.
I'll be back.
¶ Come ¶
¶ And talk of all the things we did today ¶
¶ Here ¶
¶ And laugh about our funny little ways ¶
¶ While we have a few minutes to breathe ¶
¶ Then I know
that it's time you must leave ¶
¶ But darling be home soon ¶
¶ I couldn't bear to wait
an extra minute if you dawdled ¶
¶ My darling be home soon ¶
¶ It's not just these few hours ¶
¶ But I've been waiting since I toddled ¶
¶ For the great relief
of having you to talk to ¶
¶ And now ¶
¶ A quarter of my life is almost past ¶
¶ I think I've come to see myself at last ¶
¶ And I see that the time spent confused ¶
¶ Was the time that I spent without you ¶
¶ And I feel myself in bloom ¶
¶ So darling be home soon ¶
¶ I couldn't bear to wait
an extra minute if you dawdled ¶
¶ My darling be home soon ¶
¶ It's not just these few hours ¶
¶ But I've been waiting since I toddled ¶
¶ For the great relief
of having you to talk to ¶
¶ So darling ¶
¶ My darling be home soon ¶
¶ I couldn't bear to wait
an extra minute if you dawdled ¶
¶ My darling be home soon ¶
¶ It's not just these few hours ¶
¶ But I've been waiting since I toddled ¶
¶ For the great relief
of having you to talk to ¶
¶ Go ¶
¶ And beat your crazy head
against the sky ¶
¶ Try ¶
¶ And see beyond the houses and your eyes ¶
¶ It's okay to shoot the moon ¶
- What's that?
- Oh, sugar baby.
Easter Bunny's got a wild headache.
You don't mind.
We'll sleep.
I'll make it up to you in the morning.
Okay? Pup.
¶ It's not just these few hours ¶
¶ But I've been waiting
since I toddled for the great ¶¶
Well, what about the record player?
Turns off all by itself.
Bernie baby, don't be sad.
Barbara knows you tried your best.
But your spirit was really not positive.
Bye-bye.
Del Grado.
Yes, IH?
I need someone to help me in the vault.
Uh, is Amy Partlett here?
Uh, haven't seen her all morning, IH.
She do?
No, I'll manage.
IH?
Yes?
There's a Ms. Thing here to see you.
- Reference to what?
- Bernard. What else?
Ah, I, uh, I am Bernard's landlady.
Oh, yes, Ms. Thing with the arm.
Ah, would you get my son, Del Grado? Yes.
Mr. Chanticleer, there's something
I think you should know.
- I'm listening.
- Hm!
So is the world. Hm!
- Mr. Chanticleer, last night...
- Oh..
You shouldn't have done that,
Ms. Thing. This is a time vault.
Well, be that as it may, I want you to know
that I run a respectable
apartment building.
Well, I run a respectable son.
- Ha!
- What does that mean?
Last night Bernard left all spruced up
after supper. Then it began.
Hey. Where you've been, lover boy?
You've been up all night, haven't you?
I know, I recognize the sign.
Bloodshot, black rings
worn out, bad posture.
No doubt about it.
Bernard's growing up after all.
If I had a boy, and if he got calls
from a girl every 15 minutes
and he never came home at all,
out all night
didn't even come back in
the morning to brush his teeth
ha, I suggest that he spent the night.. Ah!
- What?
- The Lord save me.
- What is it?
- Oh, that filthy thing. Oh..
Oh, yes, one of the finest examples
of incunabulum collections. Very rare.
I'll thank you to keep
your incunabula to yourself.
Oh, my God!
- Your father wants to see you.
- Thanks for telling me.
- You know, I know your trouble.
- You do?
- Take a whiff.
- What for?
It'll clear up your sinus.
- Take you on a trip.
- I've been on it.
Sure, but you're not enjoying it, are you?
- Enjoy what?
- Anything.
You don't put your soul into it, Bernard.
Now, for God's sake,
if you wanna be sinful, fine.
If you wanna have a mistress,
fine. But enjoy it.
Bye, lover boy.
Open this door immediately.
Yes, but, uh, the door won't open.
Not for another three-and-a-half minutes.
- Now..
- Oh, trapped.
Trapped in the pornography
collection of a fiend.
We have every reason to believe
that this door will open
in three minutes, five seconds now.
Oh..
Hey, will somebody
shut this thing off, please?
Hey, the milk machine.
Bernard, I have to talk to you.
Hi, Amy.
- Where have you been?
- Oh, I've been out.
I tried to call you all
last night, every 15 minutes.
Some old lady
kept calling me terrible names.
Just keep your incunabula
and stay where you are.
Please, calm yourself.
I assure you, my intentions...
Intentions? I know about intentions.
My brother told me all about men
and their intentions.
Bernard, you're not even listening to me.
I'm listening. I'm just having
a little trouble.
You like milk?
Bernard, come and sit down with me.
- You can tell me here.
- Okay, listen.
Your father made a pass at me.
Stop or I'll kill you, I swear it!
Oh! Ms. Thing, please.
That's "Ovid's Ars Amores."
It was terrible!
- My poor mother.
- Poor me!
'Calm down, Amy.'
Hey, will somebody
shut this thing off? Please!
Bernard, don't you care about me at all?
I care!
Let's get out of here.
Three, two, one. Whammo!
You degenerate! You maniac. Mani..
Father?
Ah..
That will be all, Del Grado.
Well, where were you last night?
- Out.
- Don't play games with me.
Big boy, where were you?
I remember when you found
the Gutenberg Bible
for the library.
I saved the newspaper article.
What are you talking about, Bernard?
I thought that was terrific.
'Bernard!'
Bernard, come back here!
Barbara.
Phone booth? You spend your time
in phone booths?
No, I didn't wanna go in.
Why do you have to work there?
Everybody looks up your dress.
Don't you feel guilty?
Look, Bernie baby,
I haven't known you too long
but it seems to me that you're
getting to be a regular noodge.
Remember when you wrote
that sweet letter to me?
I thought you'd be a person
that would be fun to be with.
There.
There, never mind.
Barbara's here and-and she won't be cruel.
Hm?
Better?
Better.
Tell you what, sunshine?
You go to your little room
and get all your things
and bring them back to my place.
Your place?
You're gonna stay with me from now on.
How would that be? Huh?
You mean it?
Oh, Bernard, you know I mean it.
"And good riddance. Ms. Nora Thing."
"Bernard.. Love, mother."
Barbara, I'm here.
'Bernie, put your things away.'
'I've-I've made room
in the medicine cabinet.'
'I'll be out in a second.'
I'm here.
- What's this?
- My mother.
No.
What's this? Hair? You collect hair?
No. She sends it to me in letters.
Who are you anyhow?
But, Barbara, you said..
Just get this junk the hell out of here.
What do you think you're doing? Moving in?
I don't need a klutz like you
moving in here for.
You dumb cunt.
Now, I don't wanna see you hanging around
or bothering me,
following me around places.
You understand?
And take your hair and get out of my life.
'Bernard?'
'Bernard, sweet cookie.'
'You're all Barbara has
in this cold, cold world.'
'Barbara needs you.'
Baby, don't leave me now.
Sweetheart, come up here.
It's going to be a cold night tonight
and your baby needs you, honeycomb.
I need you, baby.
I need you to come up here
and stay with me.
Come up here!
Just come up here right now!
Bernie-comb.
What are you doing?
Honey? Honey, you're not to blame.
After all, you, you're very young
and-and you can't be expected
to just rush into things.
I mean, well, in time, anything can happen.
Well..
You might meet some sweet-natured girl.
Sweet-natured and patient girl.
And you'd make her as happy
as happy as a sweet-natured,
patient girl could expect to be.
I mean, I don't think
it's anything serious.
Although, maybe you ought to see a doctor.
Barbara..
...would you..
Would you marry me?
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
Marriage is not just
the meeting of two minds.
It's much more, really.
I mean, do you think that you are
or ever would be ready?
I, I...
Will to have sex?
What's wrong with me?
Nothing that a firing squad couldn't fix.
Won't you try to take
a little alphabet soup, ma'am?
It's nice and hot.
Just tell me what happened.
Who did it to ya?
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh..
Oh, excuse me.
Uh, isn't this Ms. Thing's building?
- Yeah, this is her room here.
- Oh!
But you can't see no one
on account of she's hysterical.
'Tell them to go away, whoever they are.'
- 'Who are they?'
- Oh, it's Margery Chanticleer.
And I came to get my boy.
'Oh, that poor woman. Let her come in.'
Please give Bernard back to me immediately.
I gave Bernard back to you yesterday.
Francis put all his things in the hallway
and he took them with him.
Dog!
Dog, you're what I need.
Well, why didn't you call me
when he stayed out all night?
I thought it was something
Mr. Chanticleer ought
to know about, and he..
Oh, you poor woman. Oh..
'Oh! Oh!'
She's been like this ever since yesterday.
- 'Oh..'
- Hysterical!
I want to know where my son is.
I must know where he is.
Then you should ask the little tramp
he's been spending his nights with.
Oh..
- Bernard?
- Who is she?
Do you remember her name?
What did she look like? Was she pretty?
She was older than him, wasn't she?
She called that night
he stayed out every 15 minutes.
She gave me her name and number.
I wrote it on the wall by the phone.
I'll show you.
Francis.
"Police department, fire department
uh, vice squad."
Uh, oh, here it is!
"A-X-4-9-9-5-0.
Amy Partlett."
- Who are you?
- Me? I'm nobody.
Where is my son? Give Bernard back to me.
- I don't know where Bernard is.
- She's lying.
- Are you lying, miss?
- Honest, officer.
I don't know a thing. I was just
looking for Bernard myself.
Oh, come now.
You're not the sort of girl
you'd call ignorant.
Why, you're the girl who works
in my husband's office.
- Heh-heh. Figures.
- Gee, Mrs. Chanticleer.
I'm really worried about Bernard.
I don't you know
whether I'm coming or going.
Going, if I have anything to say about it.
I am going to talk to my husband
immediately, Ms. Partlett.
- About you!
- Me?
Uh..
Well, if you're composed now, ma'am
I'll be gettin' down to the precinct.
- Francis...
- I don't feel too good..
About leaving you alone.
I mean, if there was a violation
of some sort
committed against your person
the best thing would be to relate it
to your nearest police officer.
Which is me.
Which is you.
Besides, I've got a..
...personal interest.
Do you, Francis?
I better go.
Gonna be late getting back to dirty..
Oh, duty.
Francis.
If, uh, if I told you
that at my age
a man still found me attractive
uh, what would you think?
Well, I think you're..
Yes, attractive. Sure!
Well, uh, more than attractive.
Uh... desirable?
Desirable enough that a, a man
with position and family
would throw it all out the window
just because I was, um..
...so desirable.
Well, I can appreciate that, ma'am.
I can remember telling your late brother
"Your sister," I said, "your sister..."
To hell with my brother.
Just tell me what you as a policeman
think of me as a woman.
Rover has been stolen!
Oh, my God! My God!
Rover has been stolen!
I've looked at her as an ideal,
too good to touch.
That's been my problem.
But she is only a woman.
And I'm a man.
I've got to keep that in mind.
First thing is that I need a key.
I need a key, I'll tell her.
- I need a key...
- Oh, I, come on in, lover boy.
What are you doing here?
I came to get you,
at your father's request.
What would you like to drink, Bernard?
You drink, uh, milk, right?
- Milk.
- Where's Barbara?
Well, Barbara isn't exactly in a position
to receive guests right now.
Barbara!
Barbsy baby!
'Hm?'
Bernie-combs is here to see you.
Bernard, how are you?
Oh, you and Raef are good friends.
I-I didn't know that.
Barbsy and I are now good friends.
Yes.
I'll get my things.
Bernard's upset!
Poor Bernard! Cry little, Bernard.
Bernard, why are you gettin' so..
Don't forget mother's hair.
Bernard.
I won't be needing this now.
I thought you'd like it as a souvenir.
I don't want it.
I'm not gonna leave here
screaming and furious
because I think you'd like that.
That's why you wanted me here
in the first place.
I'm gonna leave here calmly
wishing the two of you great luck
because of the millions
of people you could have found
you found each other.
'And you deserve each other.'
Bye.
Come, Dog.
Dog!
Humphrey, Humphrey
will you please tell her that she's fired?
- I've heard enough from her.
- Yes, dear.
I told Mrs. Chanticleer that I
was just looking for him myself.
Really, I think you ought
to call the police stations
and the hospitals.
What are you talking about?
He's not in a hospital.
Humphrey, please,
tell her that she is fired.
She's just making a suggestion, dear.
Oh, we don't need her suggestion.
- You are fired!
- Why? I didn't do anything.
You have the nerve to fire me?
Ah, don't say anything rash.
Just remain quiet, calm
and carefully consider
that if you were to resign
that it might be possible
to find you a better job.
Oh, Bernard!
- Bernard...
- No, don't grab me.
- Bernard, are you alright?
- Yes, I am, thank you.
But I haven't much time.
Daddy, mummy..
- I'm leaving.
- Leaving?
What are you talking about?
- Where are you going, big boy?
- Well..
I'm not sure yet.
But I'm leaving today.
Where I go will be my own choice.
Oh! Well, we could all
spend a week on Cape Cod.
Come on, my little baby.
Look, we can forget all our troubles
in the sea, in the sky.
Just daddy and mommy
and my baby.
You'll love Cape Cod.
We'll go swimming every day...
I hate Cape Cod!
I don't wanna go anywhere with you.
I wanna get away from you.
- I'll take Dog.
- Well, Rover is gone forever.
- Someone stole him!
- His name is Dog!
D-O-G, Dog!
He's my dog and that's what
I chose to name him. Dog!
I could have named him Rover or Spot
or Fighter or anything,
but I didn't. I named him Dog!
Excuse me, IH, but I just found
Bernard's dog, Rover.
And where have you been
all this morning, Del Grado?
- You're fired!
- Dog!
Bernard!
You left some of your things at my place.
What were his things doing in your place?
Well, uh, he spent
a few nights there with me.
You're Bernard's mother.
I recognize you from your hair.
You..
You slut!
Please, would you mind
apologizing to my wife-to-be?
- Are you Chanticleer?
- No, please, please.
- You're gonna marry her?
- Let go of my husband!
You degenerate! And to think
you're also a public servant.
True marriage of mind and body.
- Let go of him!
- Alright, Francis.
Let him go! I told you I got out
before he could attack me.
Oh.. Oh-oh!
Margery, your lint is settling
on the Gutenberg Bible.
To hell with your Gutenberg Bible.
- I hate your Gutenberg Bible!
- Oh, Bernard!
No! Bernard, no! Someone stop him!
Del Grado, you're hired! Stop him!
Right! Hey, you, stop!
Bernard!
Big boy!
Bring back my Bible, big boy!
Bernie! Bernie-comb!
Rover, come on!
'Good afternoon, shoppers,
we are indeed having some..'
'Please be sure..'
Come on! Rover!
'...on the fourth floor'
'and men's department on the fifth floor.'
Ah!
Rover, I order you.
Barbara is famous now!
Who is this darling Barbara Darling
who hit a rare-book thief over
the head with a mannequin leg
and saved the Gutenberg Bible
for the city of New York?
And who's this Raef del Grado
poet she's gonna marry?
That's right.
Who are you?
Me? I'm Raef. You love me, remember?
Barbara Darling, the lovely young actress.
- Hey, me...
- Whose autobiography..
Me, Barbara, what about me?
Get lost.
- Out you go.
- Why?
You're out in custody.
Your bail's been paid.
I've been in the custody of my parents
for almost 20 years now.
And they have taught me
nothing but self-doubt
frustration and perpetual guilt.
I'm gonna be in my own custody from now on.
I won't go!
A nice-looking girl paid it.
I'll go.
Hello, Bernard.
Hello.
Disappointed it's me
and not her, aren't you?
No.
If you say so.
Where'd you get the money?
She made a fool out of you
and you still wish
she was here instead of me?
I'm just surprised it was you.
I was sure she'd come back
to see what a mess I am.
Please don't call yourself a mess.
You don't know how much it hurts me
when you call yourself a mess.
I have something for you, Bernard.
What is it?
Found this place where they sell
fries and pretzels.
¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ 'Cause you're a big boy now ¶
¶ And the great big world ¶
¶ Daddy threw before you ¶
¶ With the pretty faces ¶
¶ And the claws that tore you ¶
¶ And it's all so different
when you get to sources ¶
¶ And love will make you strong ¶
¶ As a team of wild horses ¶
¶ I know there's things
you never thought before ¶
¶ That have to do
with walkin' out old doors ¶
¶ You've been prepared
as long as time allowed ¶
¶ Well I don't know how
but you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ 'Cause you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ Well I don't know how ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ But you're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ Come on and take a bow ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶
¶ You're a big boy now ¶¶