You're Telling Me! (1934) - full transcript

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Is that you, Samuel?

Yes...
Yes, my bun, it's only me.

Is the...

Is the...

Is the dinner
on the table, dear?

On the table and off,

five hours ago!

Don't exaggerate.

It's only the shank
of the evening.

Half past eight.



MAN ON RADIO: We will now give you
the correct time. Half past eight.

When you hear the sound of the
gong, it will be exactly...

8:30. Take off your hat!

Where have you been?

Don't answer! I know
what you're going to say.

"Down at the shop,
working on an invention."

If you was married
to Thomas Edison...

You're no Edison, Sam Bisbee.

No, and you're no prophet,
Mrs. Bisbee.

If you've no regard for me,

you might at least have some regard
for your daughter's happiness.

My daughter's the happiest
little girl in the world.

Her silvery laughter rings out
from early morn

till late at night.
Till late at night.



Yeah. Yes, very late.

But not in her own home,
it doesn't...

Take those shoes off the table.

Who was putting them
on the table?

Where is she now?
What's she doing?

Who's she with?

I don't have to worry
about my daughter.

Well, you'd better worry.

She wouldn't be out if she wasn't
ashamed of her home, ashamed of you.

Me? Look at you.

Suppose she were entertaining
a nice young man in her home,

and you came in
looking like that,

with your shoes off,
your suspenders down,

and your breath
smelling of cheap liquor.

Cheap? Four dollars a gallon.

My daughter ashamed
of my suspenders?

There she is now
with that Bob Murchison,

that no-good...

What did I tell you?

I forgot. What? Oh, yeah.

Kissing him. Kissing who?

Bob Murchison.
Who's kissing Bob Murchison?

Pauline, our...

Well, that's life, dear.

Girls will be girls.

When I was a little boy,
I used to kiss little girls.

A rich man's son making
a fool of your daughter,

and you stand there.

No rich man's son will ever make
a fool of Sam Bisbee's daughter.

You might as well
get that in your...

That's the... Take of that hat!

I'm sorry.

There. There they
are, right in my hand.

Good night, Bob.

I know how to solve our problem.

No, no, Bob.

You won't elope with me?

No.

You won't let me elope with you?

No.

What's keeping us apart?

Haven't you heard?

The railroad tracks.

Twenty years married to a man like
you is enough for any woman...

Give him a rest, Mom.

Say, you little night owl.

What do you mean by staying
out the middle of the...

(MUMBLING)

The middle of half past eight?
Who, me?

Yes, you. Running
around with that clown.

Never let it be said that...

Hey, you left your gadget
on the doorknob.

Your father and I think this thing
between you and that Murchison boy

has gone far enough. Yes.

He doesn't seem to think so.

He just asked me to marry him.

Marry him? Darling.

Hey, didn't I tell you?
I knew it all the time.

ABIGAIL: Oh, shut up!

He really wants to marry you?
Well, why not?

I'm young and healthy and
full of the devil. Pauline!

Sure, my little daughter

doesn't have to be in a
hurry to marry any man.

Pick and choose, dear.

Liberty is sweet.

Once you're married,
it's just like being in jail.

(MUMBLING)

I guess I'll go to bed.

ABIGAIL: Look out!

Don't get tangled up
in that thing again.

I won't get tangled up
in nothing.

I'm going upstairs.

It's worse than flypaper.

Might as well have some flypaper
curtains in the house as that...

You know, Charlie,
I've been thinking about...

Look out! Don't sit down there.

That's another of my inventions.

It's what I call
the "murder chair."

When a burglar comes in here
and says, "Stick 'em up,"

I get friendly with him.
I say, "Have a drink."

Then I invite him
to sit down in the chair.

When he sits in the chair
he releases that lever.

The iron ball comes up

and smites him upon the sconce,

thus knocking him
deader than a doornail.

Now, don't either of you boys
ever sit in that chair.

Put that down, will you, Doc?

Soon as I get this tire on the market,
I'll sell a lot of these things.

How's the tire coming, Sam?

Coming? It's perfected.

Get over there, and I'll
give you a demonstration.

Get over, Doc.

Now, give that wheel a spin.

Good. Now, stand clear, boys.

That's a puncture-proof tire.

CHARLIE:
Say, that's pretty good.

Pretty good? It's perfect!

I've got nothing to worry about
now for the rest of my life.

(GROANING)

(HORN HONKING)

Hello. Hello.

Do I work fast?

My mother is calling on your
mother this afternoon at 4:00.

But, Bob, why? What happened?

Well, after what you said
last night about my family,

I decided to have it out with them.
I know, darling.

But why does she have
to call on us today?

What'd you say to her?

Nothing much.

I merely said I was going
to marry Pauline Bisbee.

You did? I did.

And I am.

Mother's very much
interested in meeting you.

I'll bet she is.

Well, I'd better go
and break the news,

and if you see ten women
being carried out of here

kicking and screaming,
that'll be my mother.

Goodbye.

Howdy, boys! Hello, Bill.

Say, Sam, I got
a special delivery.

Registered airmail letter,
here, for you.

Sam. Sam.

What's the matter with him?

Sound sleeper, that's all.

Hey, Sam!

Registered letter. Sign for it.

Sign for me, will you, Doc?

She didn't work out as well
as I thought she would.

Ought to put
a heavier ball on there.

"Samuel Bisbee..."

(MUMBLING)

"Dear sir.

"Your letter, at hand, regarding
your Bisbee Puncture-Proof Tire."

"If you care to demonstrate
your invention to our company,”

"the Board will meet you
Saturday, June 12, at 2:00,"

"in our main office."

That's great, Sam!

Yes, I guess I finally put one over.
Yes, sir.

Come on, Charlie,
help me get this tire off.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Mrs. Bisbee? I'm Mrs. Murchison.

How do you do?

Won't you come in, please?
Thank you.

So nice of you to call, Mrs.
Murchison. Not at all.

I'm sure you understand
why I'm here.

My daughter told me
you were coming.

It's about your daughter I've
come to see you, Mrs. Bisbee.

I suppose you already know
that my son,

who is very young
and unsophisticated,

has been... Shall I
say, taken in by her?

Has been what?

Well, fascinated by her.

Now he even talks of
wanting to marry her.

Of course, with his social position,
his family and his future...

In short, the whole affair's
absurd, and I've come to...

And why is it absurd that your son
should want to marry my daughter?

The women of the Warren family
have always been above reproach.

That is history.

The Warren family?

You don't mean
the Warrens of Virginia?

My grandfather was General
Robert Henry Warren of Virginia.

Not really!

There, you can see for yourself.

Well, this is a surprise.

Of course,
you wouldn't recognize me.

I'm the baby on his lap.

That was taken on the veranda of
our old homestead in Warrenton.

You're sure this album
belongs to you?

Quite sure. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Then your daughter Pauline
is really a Warren!

Well, of course,
that puts the whole affair

in an entirely different light.

You all right, boy? Yeah.

Glad you weren't hurt.

That's a puncture-proof tire.

Couldn't hurt that tire.

Knock the tree down first.

I still think Robert's
far too young to marry,

and I was afraid some cheap
girl of vulgar family...

You understand.

Delicious, delicious!

Robert tells me your husband
is a businessman.

Yes, in a manner of speaking.

However, his greatest
interest is in his inventions.

(CRASHING)

(LAUGHS)

May I ask, what does he invent?

Oh, various things.

For instance, he's been
working, lately, on a tire.

MURCHISON: A tire?
An automobile tire?

That's been invented already.

An automobile tire
that cannot be punctured.

Oh, but that's
impossible surely.

I've never heard
of any such tire.

And if there'd been a demand
for a puncture-proof tire,

surely someone would've
invented one before this.

They've been trying to
for 20 years, and here she is.

Mrs. Murchison,
this is my husband.

Your husband?

Well, this is a pleasant surprise.
I want to show you this tire.

Look at the resiliency in that thing.
I think I'd better be going.

ABIGAIL: Samuel,

won't you please take
your invention out of here?

All right.

I take it Mr. Bisbee
did not come from Virginia.

No.

So Abigail's been telling you
her family history, eh?

Well, you ain't seen a thing.

Wait till I show you
the Bisbee clan.

We were all Union men.

Sam, I don't think Mrs. Murchison
would be interested in those pictures.

Oh, sure she would.
Real down-to-earth people.

Speak our language.

Now, there's Uncle Bean.
Bean Bisbee, the tiger.

Fight at the drop of a hat,

and yet underneath it all as
tenderhearted as a baby lamb.

Look at those eyes...

Wrong picture.
That was Uncle Jim.

He was the black sheep of the
family, until he got into politics.

Now he's got a big home
up at Passamaquoddy.

And that's Aunt Minnie,

an angel of mercy if ever
there was one, and there was.

Known from California
to Maine and back again.

Stay up all night
taking care of the boys,

night after night.

I really must be going now.

Wait a minute. I want to show
you my private art collection.

Okay, Abigail?

Oh!

Not bad, eh?

Get the knee action?

And stands without hitching!

Another relative, I presume.

No, no, no.

Just a little girl I met down
in the New Hebrides Islands.

(HORN HONKING)

Hello. Hello.

What's the news from the front?

All quiet, up to now.

Shall we take a chance?
Now or never!

Your naive gaucherie is amazing.
Huh?

I said your naive gaucherie.

Oh, yes.

Thanks, thanks very much.
Nice of you to mention that.

So this is the family
my son wants to marry into.

Yes, it is.
I really can't believe it.

The whole affair will be
definitely broken up at once.

We shall disinherit Robert

sooner than consent
to a marriage as...

As impossible as this one is!

Why, I'll crack her in the eye.

Come, Robert.
Just a moment, Mother.

I don't know what's happened, but
I'm sure my mother doesn't mean...

Your mother means everything
she has said and more!

But, Mother, you can't talk
to Pauline's family like that.

What's happened?

Tell me. What is it?
Your father.

Everything was lovely,
then he came in.

Me? What'd I do?
Never mind, Dad.

They don't understand you.
That's all.

I meant every word I said.

I'm ashamed that
my son should...

You've said quite enough.
Now, please go.

Bob, take your mother out
of here and don't come back.

Pauline,
I can explain everything.

Say, who started all this?

Come, Robert.
Have you no pride left?

Don't you even know when
you've been ordered out?

Pauline. Goodbye.

You better go, son. You've caused
enough trouble around here.

Well, I guess I told him.

Yes, you certainly
fixed that up.

You've got nothing
to worry about.

I got a letter from the National
Tire Company right here in my pocket.

Well, isn't that just dandy.

Now, I suppose I can marry
a balloon tire.

Well, I've been married
to one for 20 years,

and a flat one at that!

Now, you two,
listen to this letter.

"Mr. Samuel Bisbee..."

(MUMBLING)

"Dear sir."

"Your letter, at hand, regarding
the Bisbee Puncture-Proof Tire."

"If you care to
demonstrate your..."

Mr. Samuel Bisbee.

Mr. Bisbee? I'm Mr. Robbins,
the president of the company.

Pardon my glove. Glad to
know you, Mr. Robbins.

Gentlemen, Mr. Bisbee.
How do you do?

Gentlemen, glad to know you.

Are you ready to
show us your invention?

I'll be with you in half a tick.

What's the idea of the arsenal?

Going target shooting?

Use that for
demonstrating purposes.

Hey, what's this?

That's another of my inventions.

I call it
the "nose lifter-upper.”

Makes breathing easy
and prevents snoring.

However, that's not for sale.

And this?

This makes scrubbing floors
a pleasure.

Put one on each foot, and use
the sponge as a polo ball.

What's this?

Twins.

That's not for sale
just at present.

I thought we came here
to see a puncture-proof tire.

Yes. Did you bring
a tire with you?

I have four tires
on my car, downstairs.

If you'll follow me,

I'll give you a demonstration

of a 1000% puncture-proof tire,

the Bisbee Puncture-Proof Tire.

All right, gentlemen, let's go.

CRABBE: I don't like his looks.
He acts like a maniac.

ROBBINS: He's harmless.
CRABBE: Yes?

Oh, pardon me. Okay.

Help me push this
heap down the line.

Looks just like
an ordinary tire to me.

Give him a chance.

All right, thank you, gentlemen.
Will you please stand back?

These bullets bounce.

I'm going to show you a real
1000% puncture-proof tire.

(TIRE HISSING)

(MEN LAUGHING)

That's funny.

I'll try the other one.

(TIRE HISSING)

(MEN LAUGHING)

I told you he was just
another fool inventor.

I guess you're right.

You think so, eh?

Well, I tell you, I haven't
crossed on those front tires,

but I put
the rear tires on myself.

I'm going to prove...

Watch this.

Now, this'll be
a different story.

(TIRE HISSING)

(MEN LAUGHING)

They're a huge success!

A perfect case of deflation!

OFFICER ON RADIO:
Calling all cars.

Maniac shooting up cars on Main Street.
That is all.

OFFICER 1: Hey, what are you doing there?
OFFICER 2: Hey!

(BELLS TOLLING)

Where you going? Where
I usually go on Sundays.

Church? Yes.

I thought I might go
to church, myself, today.

Mother's going with me.

You know why I'm here.

I can't stay away from you.

I called you all day yesterday.

I know. I wanted to answer.

Oh, Bob, it's no use.

I've thought it all out.

I'll come by for you tonight, and
we'll drive to Stanton and get married.

I have more pride than
to marry into a family that...

That thinks
they're too good for me.

Mother didn't mean that.

She was just annoyed
with your dad.

Well, Dad suits me.

I think he has just as good
manners as your mother has.

Don't go.

Your dad's all right.

You bet he is!

And when he gets back from putting
that big deal over in the city,

why, we'll have
as much money as you have.

You wait and see.

Are you two children quarreling?

Good morning, Mrs. Bisbee.
Good morning, Mr. Murchison.

Coming to church, Pauline?

Yes, Mother.

Pauline.

Goodbye, Bob.

This is final.

(TRAIN HORN BLARING)

There goes Sam Bisbee,
drunker than a hoot owl.

Is he a hard drinker?

Hard? It's the easiest thing
he does.

(GRUNTS)

Looks like I'm holding you up.
No, I got plenty of time.

Pardon me.

I should have brought
a little Vaseline with me.

By golly, I put over
a big deal today!

Will my wife and kids
be tickled to death.

(MAN WHISTLING)

Oh, I beg your pardon.
It was the wind.

(MAN CONTINUES WHISTLING)

(TRAIN HORN BLARING)

"Goodwill tour."

If they only knew, Rosita.

But you must forget him,
Your Highness.

Could you, if you were I?

Yes, officially.

Confidentially, no.

So I am to forget Michael,
and marry the crown prince.

But I can't forget Michael.

But you must.

You're right, Rosita.

I must forget him.

(GROANS)

Why, you've cut your finger.

One moment, Your Highness.
The iodine.

It's nothing, Rosita.

Nothing serious, but we
must take no chances.

I'll call Nicholas.

I bet he's got a woman in there!
I wouldn't be surprised.

There! What did I tell you?

I beg your pardon. I beg yours!

I thought this was the
gentlemen's drawing account,

the washout.

If you don't mind,
I think, perhaps...

I'm going right away.
I beg your pardon.

What's this?

What are you up to?

Don't do it, little lady.
It don't pay.

When you wake up in the morning

and find yourself dead,

it's too late to regret it.

What are you talking about?

Don't commit suicide.

You're too young.
You're too beautiful.

I got here just in time.

What makes you think that I...

I was going to
do the same thing.

You?

On this train,
not five minutes ago.

Suppose I'd have sent a telegram.

I'd have had to
go through with it.

How terrible.

Awful.

Are you so unhappy?

Little lady, you think
you've got troubles?

Listen to mine.

I lost my car, I lost my tires,

and I lost my patent
nose-lifter-upper.

Nose-lifter-upper?

Yeah, nose-lifter-upper.
The only one in existence.

My own invention. Poor man.

When I get back to town,
everybody'll laugh at me,

except my wife.
She won't think it's funny.

She'll murder me.

But can't you explain to her
as you explained to me?

No. You don't know my wife.

The other night
we had some folks to dinner.

I said, "Abigail, dear",

"is it okay
if I take my vest off?"

She said, "You don't mind
keeping your pants on, do you?"

Uncalled-for sarcasm.

(GASPS)

Yeah, the great commoner, Bryan,

almost went through
our town one time.

Really? Yes.

Crystal Springs. Thank you.

(TRAIN HORN BLARING)

Has he come out yet?
No, he's still in there.

I feel sorry for
my little daughter.

I depended upon this trip
to put her over.

Have you a daughter?

Yes, she's a sweet kid,

but she's in love
with a rich clown.

Clown?

Son of the Murchison family,

the richest people
in Crystal Springs.

Oh, I see. Society.

Yeah. Mrs. Murchison!

Looks like
an old Newfoundland dog.

Don't you care for society?

We don't go in for it.

We live on the other side
of the railroad tracks.

But you wouldn't
understand that.

I think I understand.

It's the same in my country,

only we call it
"class distinction."

Yeah, we still call it
railroad tracks.

Here's my little daughter.

It's my wife on the other side.

She's lovely...
Isn't she a honey?

She's lovely.

It's sad to be young and in love

and not to marry the loved one.

Don't you think so, Mr...

Bisbee's the name, but my
friends all call me Sam.

All right, Sam.

But your daughter should
marry the man she loves.

There must be a way,
in this country.

Only a fairy princess
could put it over now,

and there ain't no such thing.

Don't be too sure, Sam.

You never can tell when a fairy
princess might come to your rescue.

Thanks, thanks, Miss...
What's your name?

My friends call me Marie.

Thanks, Marie.

If you ever get down
to Crystal Springs,

you must stop in to see us.

My wife and daughter would be
tickled to death to see you.

Well, I hope
I haven't bored you.

Bored me? You've saved my life.

Well, thank you. Goodbye.

Crystal Springs.
Don't forget it.

What time do we get
to Crystal Springs?

Crystal Springs?
We just passed it.

Why didn't you call it out?

I did, sir, but you was too
busy with that lady back there.

Oh, drat!

When do we get to the next stop?
Albian, 40 miles.

Drat!

Drat!

Drat!

You sent for me, Your Highness?

What engagements have we,
Nicholas?

Tonight, the usual reception
by the city officials.

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow, Your Highness rests.

Excellent. That fits in perfectly
with an idea I have in mind.

I saw Sam Bisbee
on the train coming home.

He was drunk and making love to one of
them painted dolls in a compartment.

SARAH: Did you say
anything to him?

I was just going to tell him, "Sam
Bisbee, what would your wife say?"

And what do you suppose he did?

He leered at me, gave me an evil
wink, and slammed the door in my face.

And they went right on through town.
He didn't even get off.

What do you suppose
they did in there, then?

I don't pretend to know, Sarah.

It's entirely out of my line.

Sells his invention
in the city for $100,000,

and then what does he do
with all that money?

Runs off with
a notorious Russian dancer.

ALL: No!
Yes. One of them Romanoffs.

What's all the excitement about?
Sam.

Anything happen to him?

Who'd have thought it.
Poor old Sam!

He ain't in trouble, is he?

Oh, boy, and how.

Here's the way I got the story.

Sam goes on a tear up in the city and
picks up a woman, some foreign actress,

and he's going across the
country with her in a stateroom.

They went through here, throwing
champagne bottles out of the window.

I tell you the best of them
are nothing but beasts.

No, you can't trust one of them.

And isn't that
just like Sam Bisbee?

Traipsing around the country
with a burlesque queen.

She was sitting on his lap,

and he was drinking
champagne out of her slipper.

When he sees
Mrs. Price is watching him,

he gets up and slams
the door and locks it.

You know who she was?

I think it was
one of them fan dancers.

How do, Mrs. Price?

How dare you speak
to a respectable woman!

What's wrong with her?

Hello. Lovely weather
we're having.

Hello, Jane, how are you?
Fine, Mr. Bisbee.

How are you? I'm fine, thanks.

How's your...

Maybe that was it.

Fellows, here's the sheik!
Hello, boys.

MAN: How was she, Sam?

Has she got a friend?

(ALL LAUGHING)

What's the matter with you guys?
You all gone nuts?

I can't understand what's
happened to this town.

Everybody shuns me
like I had leprosy.

We've been hearing things, Sam.

It was a tough break,
that's all.

How did I know I was
shooting up a police car?

Sam, Charlie and me
are your friends.

We're with you
no matter what, see?

If ever I needed
friends in all my life,

I need them today.

Who was she, Sam?

Who was who?

That woman you had on the train.

Oh, so that's it, is it?

Ain't it funny how much trouble
a man can get into innocently?

Come on, Sam,
tell us who she was.

She was the finest lady
I ever met in my life.

(GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

Joke's on me, Sam. Wrong jug.

Try some of this
new blended stuff.

It's a funny old world.

A man's lucky
if he gets out of it alive.

(TRAIN HORN BLARING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

I never met a princess before.

I never met anything
higher than an elk!

Princess Lescaboura.

I'm the Mayor
of Crystal Springs.

I'm delighted.

Will you step this way, please?

I'll be all right.
Take care of Rosita.

May I present the Chairman of
our Entertainment Committee,

Mrs. Edward Quimby Murchison.

Oh, yes! I've heard
of Mrs. Murchison.

Really? I'm charmed.

My husband, Mr. Murchison.
Delighted.

Maybe you'd like to take
a little drive around the city

or something, eh, Your Majesty?

Thank you. But I must
first see the friends

I've come to visit
in your charming city.

We shall include them,
of course.

You're too kind.

Are you sure you won't mind?

Princess! How could we?
Thank you.

Well, well, I don't see him.

Him? Who?

Everyone Your Highness might be
interested in meeting is here.

I've seen to that.

But I don't see my old
friend, Mr. Bisbee.

(ALL MURMURING)

Did she say Bisbee? Bisbee?

There is a Bisbee in our town, but
he's not one of our best citizens.

Then it couldn't be the same Bisbee.
I mean Samuel Bisbee.

Surely you don't mean...

Not Sam Bisbee, Your Highness?

Yes, Sam Bisbee.

A real hero
and one of nature's noblemen!

A hero? Sam Bisbee?

No one will ever know what
he did for me during the war.

What did he do for you,
if I'm not too inquisitive?

He saved my life.

Why... Your Royal Princess...
I mean, Your High Majesty,

if we'd have knowed it was Sam
Bisbee you was looking for,

we'd have had him
down here, but, gosh...

Would it be asking too much?

Would you drive me to his home?

His home? You mean you
want to go to his house?

Yes.

Why, it's a pleasure,
Your Majesty.

Thank you.

Where does Bisbee live?

The other side
of the railroad tracks.

Gosh all hemlock!

We're sure it's the wrong
Bisbee, Your Highness,

but if you insist.

All ready, boys?

What'd you tell her? Well,
what could I tell her, Sam?

When your wife phoned
and asked me were you here,

I said you were on the way home.

I thought I was
doing you a favor.

If I had enough money to pay
your back salary, I'd fire you!

Think I'll do it anyhow.

Why don't you take
your wife home a present?

A little pet of some kind.

Women are crazy about pets.
They're just crazy.

Pets haven't a thing to do with it.
Look at Charlie there.

See what I'm taking
home for the old lady?

It'll take a bigger bird than
that to square me with my wife.

Hey, pet man!

Whoa, Myrtle!

Hey! Myrtle! MAN 1: Look at Sam
with that funny-looking bird.

Myrtle, look out! The lamp post!
The lamp post!

Get down, Myrt! Come on, now.

Come on. Now you're okay.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Now, come here!
Come here! Come here!

Come back here!
Come here! Come here!

(MEN LAUGHING)

MAN 2: Put your hat
over your head!

It's a shame, Your Highness,

you came all this way
only to find the wrong Bisbee.

Edward! Edward!
Isn't that Bisbee?

EDWARD: Yes, my dear,
that's Bisbee.

Well, stop him!
Stop him quickly!

Hi, boys! Catch Bisbee there.

We want Bisbee.
Catch him. Stop him!

(SIRENS WAILING)

Come on, Myrt! Here.

OFFICER 1: Mr. Bisbee!
OFFICER 2: Sam!

Bisbee! Sam!

Come on up out of there.

Bisbee! Bisbee!
Old Sam, come here!

Your old friend,
the Princess Lescaboura.

Who? Hello, Sam.

I'm afraid you girls
have the advantage of me.

Surely you remember the girl whose
life you saved during the war?

Marie! How are you?

You're a sight for sore eyes!
Fancy meeting you here!

We're conducting Her Royal
Highness to your home.

Her Royal Highness?
The Princess Lescaboura.

You are, eh? Well...

We're on our way to your house.
Come along, Sam.

Yes, do come, do come.

Say, I wouldn't ride in the
same carriage with that dame

for all the money in the world.

If you don't mind, I'll
give my place to Mr. Bisbee

and ride with the mayor.

Thank you so much.
Come along, Sam.

They rolls off my knife.

Here, Murchie,
hold the chickadee.

If she starts singing,
give her some birdseed.

Well, Marie, here we are again.

I'm surprised you didn't recognize your
old friend, the Princess Lescaboura.

Lescaboura!

That's a funny name. How'd
you happen to think that up?

(SIRENS WAILING)

That princess stuff's
a great idea.

Hope we can put it
over on the wife.

Must be a fire!
Maybe it's the ambulance!

There she is now. Duck!

How do you do, Mrs. Bisbee?
I'm so glad to see you.

Isn't this an honor for our town?
Honor?

Why, the Princess Lescaboura!

Your Highness, have I your
permission to present Mrs. Bisbee

and her daughter, Pauline?

I'm so happy to know you,
Mrs. Bisbee.

I think you're the luckiest
woman in the world.

Is my husband dead?

Not at all.

And you, the daughter of my dear
friend and benefactor Colonel Bisbee.

Aw, gee! Thanks, Princess.

You don't realize
what a great thrill this is.

Of course, I don't know
what my dad did, but...

You don't know he saved the
Princess's life during the war?

Heroes don't talk much,
do they, my dear?

But in my country, the name
Samuel Bisbee is a household word.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Mother!

Mother!

Quickly, get some water! Quick!
Won't somebody get some water?

Look out, she may be stalling.

There, there, Mother!
How are you feeling now?

I'm all right.

I'll get your husband.

Colonel! Colonel Bisbee!

Sam!

Hello, Abigail, dear.
Did you miss me?

Hello, Samuel.

Your Highness,

I know it's an awful lot to ask,

but won't you come in?

I'd be delighted!

Won't you all come in?

Charmed, I assure you.

(ALL CHATTERING)

It looks like a great day
for the Bisbee family.

Thank you, Mayor. You haven't a
little dram on the hip, have you?

Colonel, I always have
something on the hip.

Mayor, you're okay.

I voted for you last election.

Five times.

Your Highness, please.

Before you make
any other engagements,

I've invited some
of our best people

to my home to dinner tonight.

I hope you'll enjoy
meeting them.

I'm so sorry,

but you see, I'm dining with
the Bisbee family this evening.

But Your Highness!

I've made all the preparations,
engaged the caterers.

Why how fortunate!
You won't object, will you?

Object?

If Mrs. Murchison's caterers
served the dinner in your home?

Then you could invite
all your friends.

Well, of course I'd be delighted,
if it pleases Your Highness.

It pleases me very much.

And you're all invited.

Isn't she marvelous!
What an idea!

I never would have
thought of it myself.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I can't tell you how I
appreciate it, Mrs. Bisbee.

What was that?
I beg your pardon.

Allowing me to use
your lovely home for my party.

Not at all. It's a pleasure.
Excuse me.

How do you do, Mrs. Bisbee?
Good evening, Robert.

SAM: Thank you, thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you.

Well, Samuel?

Abigail, my dear,
the party's a big success.

Don't be so stiff. Relax! Relax!

How can you in this armor?

Sam, you look marvelous.

Oh, thanks, thanks, thanks.
Marie, you're a prince.

Princess... Princess!
Oh, yeah, Princess.

Your Highness,
won't you come in?

Your Highness, may I present
Mr. Robert Murchison?

How do you do?
Not Bob Murchison?

Really!

You're Pauline's fiancée,
are you not?

Not yet, Your Highness,

but I still have hopes. Well...

And this is Mr. Phil Cummings.
How do you do?

She's a darling! She's the finest
lady I ever met in my life.

Except you and your mother.

Thanks, Dad.

Don't drink too much tonight.

No, I won't.

That's an idea.

Won't you sit down, Your Highness?
Certainly.

Come and sit with me. Thank you.

What a marvelous match
they will make.

Take off those spats! Huh?

And come right in here!

Oh, yeah, I'll have them right
off in a minute. I'll be right in.

(WHISTLING)

Hey, you boys stick around.

There's going to be
turkey and ice cream later.

ABIGAIL: Samuel!
Yes, dear? Yes, dear?

Yes, dear?

Take that junk with you.
Yes, dear? Coming, dear.

Your Highness, friends,

I have a little
surprise for you.

It gives me great pleasure to announce
the engagement of my son, Robert,

to Miss Pauline Bisbee.

(ALL MURMURING)

Formal announcements
will follow by mail.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Congratulations!
Congratulations!

(ALL CHATTERING)

Be here, and everything.
I'm enjoying it.

Murchie, you're a good scout.

I'm beginning to like you. Oh?

If you want a little
snort of gin later on,

I know where there's
some stashed away,

out here in the closet...

You play golf, of course, Your Graceness?
I mean, Your High Royalness.

Yes, but very badly, I'm afraid.
How fortunate!

We're opening our new
country club tomorrow.

I'm going to ball off
the first tee.

If you really want to please me,

let me come and
watch my dear friend,

Sam Bisbee, open the new course.

Sam Bisbee? Sam?

It would make me very happy.

Anything Your Highness desires.

I'm afraid I can't do it.
I just hurt my foot.

Will you make an announcement, please?
Certainly.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I wish to announce the opening

of our new course

tomorrow afternoon sharp.

Our esteemed friend, Mr. Sam
Bisbee will kick off the first tee.

I mean, will knock
off the first green.

Shall we all go in to dinner, Your Honor?
Delighted.

His Honor has
a beautiful bun on.

You know, I have
a set of golf clubs.

They were left to me
by my grandfather.

He was an inventor, too,
you know.

That's fine, Sam.
You'll do all right.

Marie, this princess stuff is
working like a million dollars.

Keep it up! Keep it up!

(EXCLAIMS)

Fish eggs!

All right, folks. Step this way.

We're about to start
the festivities.

I'm depending a lot upon you.

I was never on a golf course
in my life before.

Don't worry. Neither was I.

I don't like that boy's face.

Why, he's the best caddy
they have in the club.

He don't know from nothing.

Well, pretend you know.

Talk as though
you know all about it.

Well, I'll do the best I can.

This is a happy day,
Mrs. Bisbee.

Do you know,
I'm really quite worried.

I don't believe he ever hit
a golf ball in his life.

Don't worry, Mother.
He'll try anything once.

Hey! Get out... Hey!

Mr. Bisbee!

Ladies and gentlemen, as
Chairman of the Greens Committee,

it gives me
great pleasure to announce

that Mr. Sam Bisbee will knock
the first ball off the course.

I thank you for your confidence.

Going to be a great help,
that boy.

I haven't played since playing in
the Thousand Islands, years ago.

What are you doing? Stop that!
Stop it! Stand still.

Put it... Put the bag down.
Go! What are you doing?

I haven't played since playing in
the Thousand Islands, many years ago.

I used to be in the dressing
business up there.

In the early days
in the Thousand Islands,

we used to tee off on one
island and drive to the other.

How far is it from
one island to the other?

About a mile.

Really? You could drive a mile?

We used to putt
a quarter of a mile.

Of course, we had to
have the wind behind us.

Little too much whip
in that club, nimrod.

Now stand clear, boy,
and keep your eye on the ball.

By the way, did you
bring a ball with you?

Wonderful!

Now, stand...

You don't play golf
with these things.

There's a marvelous club.
Bought that club in Europe.

Where's that club
I bought in India?

Let me see that Indian club...

Never mind. Wait a minute.

I bought a wonderful club
in Toronto.

Did you? Yeah, give
me that Canadian club.

This is a very remarkable
piece of wood...

(WHISPERS) I told you to hide
that and not let anyone see it...

You know I never use tobacco.

That's no good.

Now, stand clear, boy,
and keep your eye on the ball.

Ah, just as I thought.
It's warped.

Try this putting niblick.

Putting niblick?

A putting niblick!

Oh, that's much better.
Ah, that's much better.

Now, stand clear, boy,
and keep your eye on the ball.

(RUSTLING)

Stand clear!

(WHISTLING)

Stop it!

Now, you stand clear and
keep your eye on this ball.

Sorry to have lost my temper.

Stand clear!

Quite a breeze!

(SHOE SQUEAKING)

You stand still, will you?

Maybe this'll help a bit.

Stand still and keep
your eye on this ball.

I never should have had
a caddy in the first place.

Go on and hit it, Sam.
They're all watching you.

Well, I know,
but this chap keeps...

(SQUEAKING)

Stay still if I have
to choke you to death!

Awfully sorry I keep
losing my temper...

(GROANS)

Godfrey Daniel!

It's chocolate custard.
I'm dripping.

I was a fool to ever
bring a caddy with me.

Go away! Go away!

Look at that thing!

Got the pie on there, yeah.

Put your foot on that.

Now stand clear and keep
your eye on the ball.

Look at that thing.
It's still going that way.

I was a fool for
ever having a caddy.

Hope they can't see this.

Come on, go away.

(BLOWING)

You know, when you first
suggested the caddy I...

I was against it
right from the start.

I wanted to carry
the clubs myself.

But of course when you...

MARIE: Don't get
too annoyed, Sam.

I'm not annoyed, only...

I look like... I look
like a fool out here.

All these people, they're...

You stand clear and keep
your eye on this ball.

I think I'll hit it now.

You see? Sorry...

There it goes again. Come on.

There's your pie!

You stand clear and keep
your eye on this ball!

Take that!

I hope you lose your nail.

I really don't. I'm only fooling,
pretending I do, you know.

That's strange. It was around
here just a minute ago.

There it is. Huh?

There. Where?

There. Huh?

On the end of your club, Sam.

(LAUGHS) So it is, so it is!

What a dunce I feel like. Oh!

Stop that, will you!

You stand clear and keep
your eye on this ball!

Excuse me, please. Excuse me, please.
Excuse me, please.

Is that Mr. Bisbee?
Yes, Sam Bisbee.

Oh, thanks.

Stand clear, boy,
and keep your eye on the ball.

Mr. Bisbee! Robbins,
National Tire Company.

Yeah, glad to see you again,
Mr. Robbins.

We found your car,
tested your tires.

I'm prepared to make you a
reasonable offer for your invention.

How much? $20,000.

Just a moment, Sam. Is that
for your puncture-proof tire?

Yes, it is. Ridiculous!

I'm prepared to offer
$50,000 for the patent.

I beg pardon. And who are you?

I'm the Princess Lescaboura,

and I want the rights
for my country.

Well, I won't haggle.

$75,000!

MARIE: $90,000!

$150,000! $300,000.

$400,000! $500,000!

$600,000! $750,000!

I'll give you a million dollars

and a royalty on
every tire manufactured!

Sold to the gentleman
with the Panama hat!

(ALL CHEERING)

Here's a check
for $50,000. $50,000!

(ALL CLAMORING)

You take this check!
Grab this check! Here!

Sam!

SAM: Goodbye, my bun.

Goodbye, Mr. Bisbee.
Goodbye, Mrs. Murchison.

Goodbye, Bisbee.
Goodbye, Murchie.

Goodbye, Sam. Goodbye, Marie.

I want to thank you
for a lot of fun.

The pleasure's mutual.

We certainly put that princess
stuff over, didn't we?

You're telling me!

Goodbye, Sam. Goodbye, Marie.

WOMAN 1: Goodbye! MAN: Goodbye, Sam.
Goodbye now...

Don't forget...
WOMAN 2: Bye, Peter.

Goodbye! Don't forget to...

Don't... Don't forget to send me
a postcard from Niagara Falls!

Boys, we're off to the races.
Take that.

(SIGHING)

Now, if anybody wants me
for the next two weeks,

I'll be in conference.

Right about face!

Forward march!

(SIGHING) What a relief!

(WHISTLES)

They've gone.

Charlie, open that bag.

This will be the first real
drink I've had in months.