You're Killing Me (2015) - full transcript

[phone ringing]

(Answering maching)
Hi, leave me a message

or text me like a normal person.

[beep]

Hey, it's me.

Um... I just have a quick
question for you, um...

So if you...

if you see somebody
murder someone,

and you don't turn in the person
who did the murdering,

what happens to you,

or what happens to like,
you and your friends



do you...
do you like, go to jail?

Call me as soon as you can.

I am so proud of you.

You've only been
on your own for one week

and you're already making
a connection with him.

See. I told you

that you were
going to do great.

Just, y'know,
stay away from animals.

He would hunt down these
women and he would kill them.

Then he would skin them

and sew their skins together
into a kind of skin suit.

Hannibal Lecter!

Leatherface!

Wynonna Judd!



-No.. No, the other one-
-Ashley Judd!

No, not the other Judd.

The other guy from
Silence of the Lambs!

First name
is an animal name...

Buffalo Bill!

Yes!

Come on! Next one.

Keep going Joe, you gotta
have those papers ready.

Go, go, go.

I have no idea who this is..

Oh my God.

Are you an idiot?

No...

She played Jenna on
30 Rock
{end-italic}.

Oh yeah,
and she was in
Vacation.

She kissed her Dad!

The Chevy Chase vacation movie
is about incest?

No - that's Juliette Lewis.
She sucks his thumb.

No, no, no, Juliette Lewis
is in
Christmas Vacation

-I've never seen that.
-What?

Oh. It's SO good.
You HAVE to see it.

Andy, do you still have that
DVD we stole from that cabin?

That was such a fun trip.

I'm still so mad
I missed that trip

because of that asshole Tom
who stood me up.

His tinder profile even
said, "I'm an asshole."

Well, when people tell you
who they are, believe them.

Oprah.

Joe, are you
still gonna go?

I think it's your
turn still...

Oh, I didn't know
we were still playing.

Ah,
Cape Fear
{end-italic}.

That's the movie Juliette Lewis
puts something in her mouth,

it's Robert De Niro's thumb.

(Emma)
You know what's crazy,
I've never seen that either.

(Cameron)
Oh my God.

Give me a minute,

let me just
write down all of these.

Wait,
Cape Fear
{end-italic}is not like
a killer/slasher thing, right?

Oh, no, no, no, I can't watch
those kind of movies.

Movies like that
are so bullshit,

the killer's are almost always
someone the victim knows.

[timer dings]

Okay, let's reset
the timer for Joe.

Can we stop for one second.

I don't really know
what's happening?

We're starting the timer over
because these crazies

won't stop
interrupting the game.

You love it.

I'm gonna go for Joe since
he doesn't know celebrities.

Okay Joe?

Could we just
stop for a second?

-Who's timing me?
-I am. Go.

This is just really confusing.

Tiny weird looking woman,

-won an Oscar...
-Linda Hunt!

Sorry, Andy and I have
this Linda Hunt thing...

I fucking love her...

A 90's talk show host.

Jesus Christ,
that could be ANYBODY.

-Rosie O'Donnell.
-No.

-Ricki Lake.
-No.

.Sally Jesse Raphael.
-No.

You know, it's RAY-phi-el.

-Barbara Walters?
-90's talk show host!

It's RAW-phi-el

No I am 100% positive it is
Sally Jesse RAY-phauel!

Cameron, you need
to be less certain

because it's RAW-phi-el.

Ok, I think we're
done with this game?

One idiot player on a team
can kinda ruin the whole game.

(Emma)
Wow.

I told you
I'd be terrible at this.

You were pretty bad.

Let's get a refill.
Anyone?

Oh yeah,
just bring the whole bottle.

Jenny Jones, of course.

Emma that's your handwriting.

Yeah, I wrote this clue.

It got really
aggressive in there.

They're being funny.

Well how am I suppose
to know all this stuff?

Look, the whole attacking
each other thing is just

their way of showing
that they like you.

Man, Joe is so handsome.

So handsome.

Is he?

I was so busy with the game
I didn't really notice.

Andy seems to really like him.

Really? Did he say that?

Maybe just smile more.

Make them laugh.

Joke.

I don't really joke.

What do you mean?

I don't joke.

Okay.

Is this weird?

What?

Andy's new boyfriend.

It's been six dates,
they're not boyfriends.

Are they?

Okay, so clearly
this is weird for you.

Can we not do this, okay?

Aww Louis,
I loved you guys together.

I know, you guys
were so good together.

I don't think they like me.

Of course they like you.

You're gorgeous.

Mmmm.

Okay...

I think I know what'll
make you feel better.

Hold on a second

What are you doing?

I'm giving you my sexy look.

Oh.

Y'know, we've been
dating for a week,

and we haven't had sex yet.

That's kind of a first for me.

Because I'm a slut.

Well, I told you,
I have to take things slow.

I recognize that sexy look now.

Come here.

You have people here.

They don't care
if we slip away for a second.

They're in Broadway mode.

(Cameron)
Patti Lupone!

I say we wait.

Okay. Fine.

But tonight's the night.

For what?

You're not going
to make me wait any longer.

Tonight you are all mine.

If I ever get a boyfriend,

I'm going to do whatever
it takes to make it work.

I'll never give up.

I'll never give up.

What are you guys
doing in there?...

Hey can I play
my new song for you?

You know what,
now is not a good time.

Did I tell you about
my new script idea?

I don't think so.

Yeah, you don't
know anything about it.

Okay, so anyway it's amazing.
Okay so...

The movie opens with this woman.

She's driving her car,
and she's like rockin' out

to some christian music.

She's like reallly
getting into it.

And then she drives by this car

with all these
people outside of it.

And the audience should get
the sense that something is off

because the people
are acting really weird.

But this woman
is totally oblivious.

Because... Well, okay,
what the audience doesn't know

is that this woman is actually
in an abusive relationship.

-Oh my God.
-And... yeah.

Because she was like
married when she was 15,

and her dominating husband
used to beat her.

But now, he's really old
and sick, and bed-ridden,

and um, she has
to take care of him.

When the car pulls up
on the side of the road...

I'm totally
picturing Lily Tomlin.

Oh, you know,
that would be great.

-Yeah?
-Yeah, Yeah.

-Okay, so she pulls over...
-Do you know her?

Mmmm, we've...
been at events.

But, when the car pulls up
on the side of the road...

I found Joe
hoarding the wine.

I don't even drink.

You don't drink?

No.

I'll take that.

You're not in AA are you?

No.

Thank God.

I could never date
anyone who's in AA.

I know.

No fun.

Those people are
incredibly self-obsessed.

Yeah.

♪

[laughing]

♪

[soft moans]

Let's take this off,
come on.

I'm sorry.

What?

I don't know
if I'm ready for this?

You're kidding, come on.

No.

I'm not.

You don't want
to have sex with me?

No.

Not right now.

We've been dating...

I'm patient.

I've been patient, Joe,
but this is fucking crazy.

It isn't crazy.

What is wrong with you?

I don't think I love you.

Love?

I don't need you to love me.

I just need you to put your
fucking dick in my ass.

I'm feeling weird.

Are you like,
home-schooled or something?

No.

Do you have an STD?

God, you don't like, have warts
or something do you?

No.

Then what the fuck
is wrong with you?

You're being
kind of a dick here.

What are you into?

I will do whatever you want.

Joe,

I will do
anything that you want.

Anything.

I don't know...

Oh come on.

There's got to be something
that you want to do.

Huh?

Yeah.

That feeling you're
feeling right now.

Just let it take you over.

Release the beast within.

Really?

That thing that
you want to do -

do it to me.

Well there's this one thing...

Okay.

Wha...

Well you forgot your shoes!

♪

Welcome to

People I want to...
[door closing]

Joe?

[noises in other room]

Joe?

[Joe's phone ringing]

Joe?

[phone continues ringing]

What the fuck?

[plastic crinkles]

Oh...

So this is what you're into?

Kinky.

This isn't going to
fuck up the floors, is it?

Because this is actually
my friend Eric's place,

he just lets me stay here.

He has a Golden Globe
for
Roseanne
{end-italic}.

It's funny, I thought
this was your first time.

It is.

Come over here.

So...

what's the plastic for?

It's so your blood
doesn't get everywhere.

My blood?

♪

Did you just fucking stab me?

♪

[thud]

[screaming]

[breathing heavily]

Kill.

Thank you for
picking me up ma'am.

Of course dear, what lonely
woman wouldn't pick up

a strange man from
the side of the road.

I don't mean to be rude,

but is that
a machete in your lap?

Why yes it is.

Why on earth are you
carrying a machete?

Well, it's to chop you
into pieces with.

Chop me into pieces?

Why would you want to do that?

Well, it's much easier than
burying your body whole.

Let's be honest,

it is not easier to chop
someone into pieces

than it is to bury them whole.

You're right, but well,
it's a lot more fun.

[laughing]

Oh you kids.

I blame video games.

What about a take
onDuck Dynasty

called
Fuck Die Nasty?

Okay, and we make a dildo that
like, when you suck on it

it shoots out vanilla cream.

-Oh my God!
-How is that a video?

Well, it's a dildo

and when you suck on it
it shoots out vanilla cream.

So, you want me to put
a dildo in my mouth

and pretend to suck it off
for a youtube video?

-No.
-Look,

what if we just do
something that's really simple?

What if it's just like,
this or that?

Ugh. What?

Just like you have to choose
between two things-

That doesn't make any sense.
Let's not do that.

The premise doesn't matter,

it's not like you guys
ever stick to the script.

Gretchen our last
video got 1,000 views.

I think we know
what we're doing.

What if...

we do something that
actually has some meaning?

Like it's about
something important...

What if we did something
really character-y?

You know, like, what if we
were just like two crazy people

-who run like, a cooking show?
-Yes,

that's exactly what I mean.

Two midwestern
pieces of white trash,

who have to work in like,
a five star restaurant?

Oooo, I love it!

We'll go wig shopping!

Yeah, but we did that drag-y
web series last summer-

Yea but that was Pam and Tabby

and they're
hairdressers not cooks.

These are totally
different wigs.

Exactly.

I did just read this
really interesting book

about gender theory

and it had this whole
chapter about men in...

Fine. We're gonna do it.
[doorbell rings]

I really think this
is gonna be the one.

You say that every time.

I know, but I had
a dream about this one.

-It was my idea.
-I know.

So, Teddy, this is George,
and this is Barnes.

Hi.

Gretchen says,
you're her trainer?

And her boyfriend.

-So she pays you?
-That's kinda sexy.

And a little sad.

It's his job!

Did you guys come up
with a new TV show?

I told you, it's not
a TV show, it's a web series.

You know, I plan on playing
a blonde bombshell

in our next video.

Do you like blondes?

Uh. Sure.

Oh you do?

And brunettes.

Wait... what just happened?
Did I just get in trouble here?

Right, we'll see you Saturday.

Okay, great.

-Nice to meet you Teddy.
-Yeah, nice to meet you.

-You're so obnoxious.
-What?

Seriously, I have a question.

If they have sex
after they work out,

does that make Teddy
a sex worker?

Because if so I would totally
pay for that, he's really hot.

Who's hot?

You.

I want to show you
my character now,

I just leveled up.

Did you buy the pellets
for Meryl Streep?

No, I haven't done that yet.

Okay, so you've just
been on my computer

playing video games all day?

-I'll do it now.
-Great.

You HAVE to get the kind
with no animal byproducts.

-Yeah.
-You know that.

-Excuse me.
-Yeah.

You guys seem
to be doing really well.

-We're doing great.
-It sounds like it.

Never better.

♪

Those are really good.

What?

That frozen beef and broccoli.

It's really good.

Okay.

Thank you.

You make those stupid videos.

Yea. I do.

I just saw the one about

the woman who gets
chopped up into pieces.

Oh, I like that one.

I liked it too.

I just killed a guy last night,
for the first time.

Oh, did you?

It was a lot harder
than I thought.

[chuckles]

Emotionally?

Physically.

It was exhausting.

I've never killed
a person before.

Only small animals.

So you kill small animals?

I love it.

And what do you do
with all those little...

animal corpses?

Oh, I'm getting into taxidermy.

Of course you are, classic.

How about you?

One time I put a garbage can
over a squirrel in my backyard.

But I didn't kill it,
I just forgot it was there.

Oh, you killed it.

No, it probably got away.

No, you killed it.

Well, it's still not as cool
as killing a person though.

So, here's your
gold star for weirdness.

I'm George.

Joe.

Hi Joe.

Hi George.

So do you live
in this neighborhood?

No.

I was just waiting for you.

So what? You're like...

stalking me on the sidewalk?

I guess so.

Do you wanna... come over?

Would you like to have dinner?

Oh, like a date?

Um hmm.

Sure.

George Kreeger.
Facebook me.

I'm actually not on Facebook.

Oh God.

Don't tell me you you're one of
those people who don't have TV.

I have a rule about
people like you.

People like what?

Murderers,
and people without TV.

I have TV.

Oh, thank God.
Here, give me your phone.

We'll do it "old school."

Is this a new phone?

No.

You literally have no friends.

I don't have any friends.

So what,
you're telling me like,

you're some lonely murderer
who I'm giving my number to?

Hot.

That was easy.

See ya, killer.

♪

Wait, so he walked up to you
while you were holding produce?

Yea.

God, that kind of thing
NEVER happens to me.

Well you don't really
give off inviting energy.

What does that mean?

-You have an angry nose.
-No I don't.

I do?

Angry noses can be really sexy.

Is my angry nose sexy?

I just told Joe that I was
looking forward to seeing him

and he said
that was great.

Also I'm more of a
relationship kind of person.

I'm not really
a come up and cruise me

in the middle of
the street kind of guy.

No offense but
that's a little weird.

-Joe's coming to game night.
-My game night?

-Um hmm.
-Uh...

-Is that okay?
-Yeah, it's fine.

I'll just have to call a friend

and ask him
to bring an extra chair.

It's no big deal.

[chuckles]

I think you guys
are really gonna like him.

He's so funny.

And did I mention
that he's like, crazy hot?

Yeah. A few times.

He saw our video.

The "People I Want to Kill" one.

Thought it was hysterical.

He has a really
twisted sense of humor.

Oli really liked
that video too. So...

Also he doesn't have a job.

So I think he might
be a trust fund baby.

Oh that's great.

That's just what LA needs.

I just sent him an emoticon
and he asked how I did it.

What!?

He doesn't know
what an emoticon is?

Those are those happy faces
you send in texts, right?

[laughs]

Look, look at this.

Look at this face
my daughter just made.

-Tabby.
-That's neat.

That's really funny.

-That is neat.
-She sent you a face.

She did that with letters...
She's very creative.

She's great.
Where is Jimmy?

He's supposed
to come over here

and clean up this
permanent solution.

-I know.
-Every time

-I ask him to do something
-Um hmm.

He just gives me
some awful look.

Um hmm.
Jo Ann and I call that

his murder look.

What is a murder look?

Well it's when
he looks at you

real intense like, you know

and tilts his head down
like he's about to kill you.

[gasps]
Don't do it to me!

So, Joe,
how's it going with Andy?

(Joe)
Andy's dead
but I met someone new.

His name is George.

We have a date tonight.

Oh a date?

Well you continue
to impress me, Joe.

Honestly, I wasn't sure if
you'd be back to killing cats.

(Barnes)
You're kidding me right?

Sister Act One
over
Sister Act Two?

Okay, I think
it's just
Sister Act.

Not
Sister Act One.

It's not like you'd say,
Home Alone One
{end-italic}!"

-I do!
-Why is he shouting?!

Gretchen directs all our videos.

And she also may be paying
her boyfriend for sex.

We are not sure.

Is nothing compared
to
Sister Act Two.

Again,
Sister Act!

Lauren Hill?

COME ON!
Somebody back me up

-Gretchen?
-What?

Sister Act Two
{end-italic}!

You know Barnes,

I had a really hard time
in Catholic School,

and
Sister Act
{end-italic}has always
been difficult for me.

Oli?

Yeah.
I saw
Sister Act One.

Oh that's cool.

Can you put down your phone
for ten fucking minutes?

We have company!

This is exactly why
Gretchen doesn't bring

any of her boyfriends
over for game night!

[laughs]

I'm checking my e-mail.

-Let me see.
-No.

Because you were texting.

You look way different
when you're sending an email.

How does it look different?

I don't know,
you just do.

I'm only here because I know
you'd throw a fit if I weren't.

These people
aren't even my friends.

Okay.

I'm gonna play
Warcraft,okay?

Uh, I gonna go make sure
that Meryl Streep has eaten.

Did I tell you guys
that Meryl Streep

killed and ate her baby
a few months ago?

Yeah, about forty times.

Well, it's gross.

(Teddy)
Meryl Streep?

(Gretchen)
Yeah, it's his hamster.

(Teddy)
He has a hamster?

Can we get out of here?

I just... I can't talk about
Whoopi Goldberg anymore.

I know, I know.

Is this the one we brought?

Yeah but this one looks nicer.

(Gretchen)
Hey you guys,

Teddy just reminded me
we've got this thing,

that we have to go to,
so, ah... see you later.

-Okay.
-Bye.

Nice meeting you Joe.

-Bye guys.
-Bye.

Wait, did they just take
our bottle of wine?

I think they did.

Should I kill them?

Now you're just looking
for an excuse to do that.

I guess so.

That was like a ten dollar
bottle of wine though.

Are Barnes and Oli
coming back anytime?

Ooh, I don't know.

They're like the poster boys

for relationships that have
reached their expiration date.

Oh! They are?

And he's such a dick to Barnes.

I mean like,
we had this video

go sort of viral
a couple weeks ago,

well not viral but
Adam Lambert tweeted it,

and he never even
said, congratulations.

-He didn't?
=No.

-Congratulations.
-Thank you.

I just don't know how Barnes
doesn't just strangle him.

Oh. Strangling is a lot
harder thany you think it is.

[laughing]
Oh is it?

Yea.

I could stab him for you.

I've got lots of knives.

[laughing]
Oh you.

I already like you a lot more
than the last guy I dated.

Good.

♪

-Throw those chips out.
-What?

I have no business
having chips in this house.

No but, the whole point
of being alive

is knowing that you
have chips in your home.

Oh, THAT'S the point
of being alive?

-I had absolutely no idea.
-Um hmm.

No, if those stay here, I will
eat every single one of them.

You won't,
because you'll be like,

I have chips in the house.

I don't need to go to buy chips,
because I'll have chips here

and you won't worry about it.

I'm throwing these chips away

unless you take them home
right now.

Great.

-Don't do it.
-Consider it done.

She's gonna regret it.

She regrets none of it.

So Joe?

Yeah... he's, he's so weird.

-Yeah.
-He's quiet.

But I don't know,
maybe I think that's odd

just because I spend
too much time with you.

-Cute. Cute.
-Thank you.

No, he is quiet,
and I think that's cool.

I mean, I don't always
have a competition

to get a word in edgewise.

Okay...

And I don't want
to sound like an asshole,

but I get to be the star
when he's around.

And he's okay with that.

Yeah,
you sound like an asshole.

I just want you
to have what I have.

Oh really?

You've been with this guy
for like, five minutes.

-Well I'm a baby.
-Ewww.

[laughing]

Hey.

Hey.

[cell phone vibrates]
Oh.

[gasps]
It's Joe.

Can we talk?

-Hey. What's up?
(Joe)
Hey.

I'm just waiting out here
by Oli's car to kill him.

Has he left yet?

[laughs]
Oh. REALLY?

Yea.

Well he's still here.

What are you going to do if he
and Barnes start to get it on,

and he stays the night?

Guess I'll have
to wait til morning.

Aw. Should I bring you
a blanket and some food?

I have trail mix in my
duffle bag if I need it.

Always prepared.

That's why I have my
duffel bag, it holds all my...

That was weird.

Hey, let me
call you back in a bit.

What's up?

We just broke up.

Just now?

Yea.

I should have seen it coming.
I mean,

we haven't had sex since...

I don't even know.

So wait. You're telling me
that in the time it took for me

to come out here
and answer my phone

you ended
a year long relationship?

Yeah.

[laughs]
I'm sorry.

-I know it's not funny but....
-It's not.

It's pretty funny.

Shit.
It's not funny at all.

Fuck Barnes,
I've made it through episodes

of
Bunheads
longer than that took...

-Bunheads
{end-italic}?
-Bunheads
{end-italic}!

No.

It's that show from ABC Family?

-No.
-It's on Netflix now.

[laughs]
You know what I'm talking about?

It was that show
with Sutton Foster.

-No.
-She plays a Vegas showgirl

who's somehow like,
sort of together

and like, not a mess at all,
and like, no STD's.

-What?
-And like, she moves back

to this small town
and runs a dance studio....

[laughs]

So, basically what's going to
happen to you post break-up.

It's not funny.

So what happened?
You were like,

"You're a dick,
Get out of my house"?

Exactly, and he was like,

"We used to have so much fun
and now you just pick on me."

God...

Well that's his fault for
having zero personality.

Yeah.

Here's your fucking key.

[door slams]

[whispering]
I'm sorry Barnes.

Yeah, it's... whatever.

I'm a horrible person.

No, you're not horrible.
Let's go inside.

You wanna eat some of
those chips out of the trash?

More than anything.

I'm disgusting.

Shit.

Fuckin' dick!

Fuck, fucking asshole!

Fuckin' dick!

Fuck you, you fuckin' shit!

♪

Hey man, what...
What are you doing...

What are you doing
in my car, man?

Joe?

How'd you get here?

I was in your car.

Barnes and I just broke up.

What?

Hey, what?
[grunts]

♪

What is that?

I don't understand
what's happening.

I'm killing you.

Why don't I feel anything?

You don't?

[screams]

[screaming continues]

Chill man.
Chill!

[grunts]

[cell phone rings]

Hey.

Hey, sorry about that.

But, you don't
have to kill Oli now,

he and Barnes just broke up.

Too Late.

I'm gonna have to
kill the drunk guy too.

And his whole family?

No, just one guy.

You're funny.

Hey, can I call you tomorrow?

I'm gonna have to ditch
these bodies somewhere.

Okay, whatever, good night.

Bye.

♪

I love...
Grease
{end-italic}.

-The movie.
-It's my favorite movie.

It's so fun.

It's so fun.

It's... I love the stud.

You know people
do sing-alongs with it?

That sounds fun.
I don't even know...

-I sing-along at home.
-Well.

-I pour my rosé, and I sing.
-Yeah.

Sit on the couch
all by yourself and sing?

Yeah, big whoop.

You live alone still, right?

-I do.
-Yeah.

-I do, I prefer it that way.
-Um hmm.

I hate roommates.

Are you dating at all?

No, not right now.
I did, do you remember

that guy Chuck who came in
and delivered the arrowhead?

-Uh huh.
-Yeah, well I asked him,

-on a date.
-What'd he say?

He said no.

I asked him if he was married,
he said no.

I said you know what,
this is fate.

It's fate that we
never see each other again.

-Ah!
-And you don't have a...?

-No.
-No.

-No it's just me.
-Just you.

(George)
I spent it at Epcot.

(Joe)
With your parents?
-With my parents

Shut up.

It was so crazy, my mom
got so drunk off margaritas

that we had to take
a golf cart out of the park.

So it ended up being really fun.

You're fun.

Awwww.

I'm serious.

You are.

You really make me smile.

And I don't smile that often.

Ya know, I wasn't
sure you even liked me.

Really?

I do like you.

Well we haven't kissed,

and the other night you left
in such a hurry after games.

I figured you were just like...

Not into it.

I am.

Yea?

Yea.

I've got to make
you squirm first.

Dr. Strauss would
never believe this.

Who's Dr. Strauss?

He's the doctor at the
hospital where I used to live.

Oh you lived there?

It was my parents' idea.

Kind of like a therapy thing.

Oh, like pray the gay away?

No. Not like that.

It was more about learning
empathy and self awareness.

Oh, I'd be SO into
something like that.

I go to yoga.

But now I decided that I'm
just gonna do what I want.

You only live once.

I spent so much time pushing
down these feelings I've had

and now, finally,

I'm letting my
impulses guide me.

Well, I'm glad I get to be with
you while you're going wild.

Really?

Yeah, really.

I like talking to you George.

I've been having
such a good week.

Hey guys.

Gretchen told me you were here.

I was nearby, so it's
not crazy or anything.

I had to take poor
Meryl Streep to the vet.

I don't think you're supposed
to take hamsters tot the vet.

Well I thought
she was depressed.

But it turns out
hamsters don't get depressed

when their boyfriends
break up with them.

But people do.

Did you watch
Real Housewives
{end-italic}this week?

Atlanta or Beverly Hills?

Please.

Beverly Hills.

You were so right about Kim.

I know, right?

She needs her own sitcom,
or movie, or to be President.

She is all...

[voices muffled/echoing]

Sherman Oaks,
or somewhere awful.

Van Nuys, I thought.

Here's your wine.

Oh, thank you.

Enjoy, your date fellas.

Oh I'm sorry.

I'll let you be.

Oh, you haven't
talked to Oli have you?

Why would I talk to Oli?

I don't know.
His roommate called me,

he didn't go home last night.

-Well that's weird.
-Yeah.

All right, well
Meryl and I better go.

-Hey Joe.
-Hey.

Do you think
he's gonna be upset?

About what?

That I killed Oli.

[chuckles]
We better not tell him!

You think
you're falling in love?

Oh boy. Um...

Joe, listen, love is...

how do I explain love
to someone like you?

The way your brain works is...

Let's get into this
on Saturday, okay?

(Joe)
Okay.

(George) I'm nervous.

Why?

Well, you don't normally do the
whole meet the parents thing

until you're boyfriends
or really serious.

I am really serious.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Aren't you?

Yeah.

I just feel
a little under-dressed.

I mean look at me,
I'm wearing a tablecloth.

But that's okay,
parents always love me.

That was really delicious.

It's
Scarpetta
{end-italic}.

Tastes like chicken.

It is chicken.

The restaurant that it
came from is called
Scarpetta
{end-italic}.

I didn't cook this.
So...

How is it that you two
know each other?

I stalked him on his way home
from the Grocery Store.

What does that mean?

I was on the way home
from the grocery store,

and he noticed my frozen food.

Frozen food?

Beef and Broccoli.

I was surprised when Joe asked
to bring someone home for lunch.

Oh?

Joe has never brought a friend
home for lunch before.

Oh... A friend.

What does he mean?

We're friends.

Elsa!

[speaking Japanese]

So how long have
you two been friends?

Since Monday.

You brought a boy
home for lunch

that you've only
known for five days?

I like him.

What do you mean you like him?

He understands me.

I told him
all about the hospital.

I thought we agreed
that that was something

we were leaving in your past.

Well Dr. Strauss said it
was important for me to be

open and up front with
the people that I care about.

You care about a boy that you've
known for only five days?

I do.

Are you hearing this?

[speaking Japanese]

You'll have to
forgive me George.

Joe doesn't have any friends.

And I am not accustom to having
conversations with strangers

in my own home.

I know it seems like this
has moved really fast,

but, we just connected
really quickly.

Connected?

Should you be connecting?

Yes, I should.

Oh we're not
connecting connecting...

Yet.

Sorry.

Okay, that was weird.
Um...

Let's just start over.

Hi, I'm George.

What is he doing?

He's starting over.

Like nothing happened.

I'm not going to play
a game with him Joe.

I'm just...
trying to be funny.

Why are you
with this comedian, Joe?

Oh, George isn't a comedian.

Actually, I am
sort of a comedian.

I mean, I write too.

I'm going to be very honest
with you George.

Joe is a very troubled boy.

And it reflects poorly
on your character

that you have not
yet discerned this.

Huh.

Moms are usually my thing.

Goodbye George.

Wanna see my room?

This used to be the pool house.

That's why I'm still moving in.

That went really poorly.

It did?

Yeah, it did.
Where were you?

I was sitting right next to you.

Why didn't you stick up for me?

I don't know.

I didn't notice.

That's the way she always is.

You didn't notice that she
was extremely rude to me?

She called me a comedian, Joe.

But you said
you were a comedian.

Yea, but she meant like a fool.

I didn't hear her
call you a fool.

She didn't have to.
I got the point!

Are you mad at me?

No.

I'm not mad at you .

I just was hurt
by what your parents said.

But you are not your parents,
and neither am I.

Well of course
I'm not my parents.

That would be impossible.

I just don't know how you
grew up with that woman?

She thinks you're disturbed.

Well... I guess I am.

You're not disturbed Joe.

They're the ones
with the problem.

Not you.

You're... you're perfect.

Okay.

How about this:

I'll get rid of my parents.
I'll kill them.

Come here.

Oh!

You really do
do taxidermy.

I thought you were joking.

Joe.

Joe please don't do this.

[crying]
Joe, what are you doing?

Joe, stop this now.

What are you doing?

Joe stop this... Joe...

Joe, we can call Dr. Strauss!

He can make it okay!

Joe, everything'll be okay!

Goddamnit Joe!
Listen to your mother!

Be pragmatic Joe!
Without us you've got nothing!

I have George.

Goddamnit Joe!!

No!
[sobbing]

No! Goddamnit Joe!!...

♪

[glass shatters]

[fire roaring]

You have this nice little
glass of pinot grigio.

Oh I love it!
Love it, love it, love it!

Yeah, so don't
drink it yet!

-Don't drink it?
-No, no, no, not yet.

-Okay.
-Swirl it around.

Just... you know,
it has to breathe.

It smells like Sader wine.

I'm not going to get
into politics with you.

Don't do it like that, Abby,
just you know, just sort of...

you know what I mean?

Just like really, yeah...
now smell.

Tell me what you smell.

Smells like a lake.

Really get in it.

I can't get my
whole nose in here.

You don't have to get
your whole nose in there.

Maybe... do we have
different wines?

Try yours I guess.

Did I tell you my husband died?

Actually, maybe it does
smell like a lake.

Have you killed any animals?

(Joe)
Nope.

Good.

(Barnes)
It's weird having an audience.

Oh I like it.

When I had a boyfriend,

he would to sit in the
other room and not stare.

Oh, well you have to be
very nice to Joe today,

because he just
killed his parents

so he's feeling
very vulnerable.

What,
was I not supposed to say?

How'd you do it Joe?

Fire.

Okay.

Okay, enough with
the creepiness, Joe.

Tell me the truth.

Do I pull off this wig?

[laughs]

I like you the way you are.

I don't know
what it is about wigs,

but they really just
make me feel alive.

Ugh.

What about you Teddy?

Do you think
I make a pretty girl?

Well, I'd have to be pretty
drunk, but I've had worse.

You have huh?

Joe, go get Teddy some beer!

George!

Keep your mitts
off my boyfriend.

You know something...

maybe if we lived together,

I wouldn't be tempted by this
beautiful blonde bombshell.

I mean look at her,
she's begging for it.

Oh, so you DO like blondes?

I think we are making
her jealous Georgie.

I would do things to you
she wouldn't dream of doing.

Okay, okay, okay,
let's just shoot.

Action!

Well, scrambled eggs and bacon!

[laughs]

(Emma)
Teddy!

-Guess we'll restart.
-This is really...

I was in it, but whatever!
It's fine.

♪

Oh hey.

I just gotta get a coffee,
do you want anything?

What do they have?

It's Starbucks's!

Can I just stay here
at your place?

Yeah, that's fine.

Okay, I will have a
vanilla iced skinny mocha.

But hot.

-So, a vanilla skinny mocha?
-But hot.

[sighs]

-Wait.
-What?

-I like this.
-What?

Being with you,
arguing together.

Like a couple
that lives together...

[sighs]

Okay.

What?

You can move in.

You're serious?

I'm serious.

[laughs]

From now on, you get a 25%
discount on personal training.

Oh God!
Such a romantic Teddy.

I don't know how
i can stand it.

Bye...

[shower water running]

♪

(Joe)
Teddy?

Joe?

What the fuck
are you doing here?

I wasn't looking at you naked.

I was just making
sure you were alone.

Well you coulda knocked.

So what do you want?

[bag thuds on floor]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Dude, you gotta
get out of here.

I'm not gay.

I made out with a guy once,
but that was in college.

I really like George.

What's the fucking
matter with you?

Get outta here!

Where's my fucking phone?

[groans]

♪

(Gretchen)
I forgot my fucking wallet!

Teddy?

Gretchen?

Teddy?

Oh my God!
Oh!

[screams]

♪

Go!

Go away!

Go!
Go away!

[screams/yells]

Ow, ow, ow!

♪

-It's just classic.
-You know what I'm gonna do?

-What?
-I think I'm gonna buy it.

-No, Lauren.
-Yes, yes.

For me, and that way...
[phone vibrates]

Hello?

(George)
Hello.
-
{end-italic}Hi.

So, I'm sittiing here

and I just realized
that I'm jealous.

Jealous?

What do you mean?

Jealous of Teddy.

Why?

I guess it was the way
you two were talking earlier.

Joe, you have no reason
to be jealous of Teddy!

The thing is,

I'm never jealous.

Of anything.

It's good, it's a...

it's a new feeling.

Really?

This is all new to me George.

Me too....

So you were jealous?

Yeah.

And I didn't even realize
until after I killed him.

Oh no!

You killed Teddy now?

Almost.

He's almost dead.
He's breathing a little.

Gretchen's
all the way dead though.

You're just a regular
serial killer now, aren't ya?

George,

your feelings
really matter to me,

and I want to protect that.

You're the most important
person in my life, George.

Oh Joe, that's so... sweet.

Well...

I should finish Teddy off.

One more stab should do it,

-head or heart?
-
{end-italic}Right, Teddy. Umm...

Heart.

Heart it is.

[sound of knife plunging]

What was that?

Teddy.

No really, what was that sound?

It was Teddy.

Oh my God!

I forgot to tell you who I saw
at Cafe Figaro this morning.

Jenna Elfman!

Mmmm, did I tell you Brad's
so into me like, are you crazy?

Oh my God, what?

He's so into me

it's almost too much,
cause he's always like,

-buying me breakfast,
-I love breakfast.

-bring me flowers,
-They smell forever.

or like, waking me up
with like, fresh coffee.

And it's like, ugh,
too much, it's too much.

Oh God, it's amazing,
he's like, really hot.

Well if he ever went with you
I would be humiliated.

I would like, take a knife,
and like, slice your face off.

-And then peel it off.
-Ow.

And then just like,
put it in the garbage

where it belongs.

Who's my baby girl?
[chuckles]

[car door closing]

Andy?

Andy?

[cell phone ringing]

Andy?

No. This is Louis.

Oh. Good.

We met on Sunday...

Yeah, I remember you.
You called me an idiot.

Yeah.
Anyway, have you seen Andy?

Not recently.

'Cause I'm here
at his house right now.

I, I, I... He wasn't returning
my phone calls so I came here.

And his front door was unlocked,

and his phone
was just sitting here.

You were the last
person to see him.

Is he mad at me?

Did he say anything?

Or is he... avoiding me?

I shouldn't answer that.

So he's mad at me.

Okay, is he with you right now?
Can you please put him on?

No, he's not here.

Just ask him what I did.

[stutters]
Just put him on.

Just forget about him Louis.

I didn't do anything!

I don't want
to talk to you anymore.

Joe, you're freaking me out.

Goodbye Louis.

Joe!

You've killed 7 people?

(Joe)
Well, 8 if you count
our house keeper Elsa.

Are you joking?

No.

You know, I don't know
if you are fantasizing or not,

but either way, we have got
to get you back in here.

All right,
because I need to evaluate

these thoughts
that you're having.

Why didn't you just tell me
if I killed people,

I'd feel normal?

Okay Joe, what is that look?

This is the look you give
before you kill someone.

After all that
I've done for you,

and all the help
I've given you,

you would kill me?

Yeah.

Why?

Well,

I guess it's
just because I want to.

I'm sorry if that's
not good enough.

I wish I had
a more profound answer.

Joe.

[yells]

[choking sounds]

[struggling to breathe]

(George)
He is SO into me.

(Barnes)
Yea?

(George)
Yeah, I feel like,
he would do anything for me.

Like, anything.

There's one problem though,
two problems really.

Alright, here's
the George I know.

Well, we haven't really
done anything sexual yet.

You haven't put your
fingers in his butt yet?

-No.
-Hmm.

Andy has this really
dark sense of humor.

Like, he's always joking
about killing people.

Who?

ME?!

No. Not you.

But like, the other day he
said he was gonna kill Teddy

because he was jealous of him.

Hmm.

At first I thought
it was funny, right?

But now it's like, I get it.

Okay, so he keeps talking about
killing all your friends?

Yea, and his parents.

That's not what people do.

That's like, scary.

Well he's not scary...

he's gorgeous.

He just has a weird
sense of humor.

And it's the joke we met on,
so it's sort of his thing.

When people tell you
who they are,

you're supposed to believe them.

Did you just quote Oprah on me?

It's actually Maya Angelou.

But honestly George,
you have to stop doing this.

Doing what?

Your relationships never last.

You lose your head over some guy

and fifteen minutes later
we never hear about him again.

Honestly, I can't invest
in someone you care about

because I feel like
it's never a REAL relationship.

Oh, so what,
I'm supposed to be like you?

You were with Oli for what,
a year, and why,

because you were
too lazy to end it,

or were you just
too afraid of being alone?

-George.
-No, I want an answer.

-Were you too lazy to end it?
-That's not fair.

No, what's not fair,

is you putting all
your baggage onto ME!

-Knock knock.
-Hi.

Here she is, boys.

Hey Barnes, I'm sorry
about you and Oli.

Oh, I'm glad you guys
could make it.

You guys didn't bring
ice by any chance, did you?

No.
Were we supposed to?

No.

Gretchen was supposed to,
but she never texted me back.

Oh, that fuckin' bitch.

Do you have a wine opener?

Don't need ice for Chardonnay.

"You don't need ice
for Chardonnay,

-the Cameron Lipsky story".
-You know it.

(Barnes)
Bottle opener should
be in that drawer behind you.

It's so nice to get together
and not have to play a game.

I'm sorry,
could it be somewhere else?

I don't know, George
have you seen the wine opener?

-No.
-I mean, if you guys

do want to play a game,
I could be talked into it.

-Barnes invited Louis.
-Did he?

(Emma)
Oh, that's nice, we never

-we never all hang out anymore.
-These are plates.

OH!

Did I tell you guys about Andy?

Who's Andy?

Oh you know Andy, Andy Lovell,
The hot, hunky guy.

Louis's ex.

Yeah, Louis was so
totally fixated on him.

So...
[makes a fanfare noise]

I finally started
seeing someone.

At work, this guy Glen,

And, I wrote a song for him.

So, do you have one of
those things where you can

just plug the speaker
into my iPhone,

and I could just
play it for you guys?

Anyway,
Andy is missing.

Like your fucking wine opener!

(Barnes)
Missing?

Yea, no one has
seen him for a while.

You know, that explains it
because I sent him a video

and he hasn't
even liked it yet.

Yeah, he was supposed to
go to Berlin on a work trip.

Aw. I wanna go to Berlin.

Yeah, well Louis
is freaking out,

but then again, he always
freaks out about everything...

Ah, look, I found it!

What? Oh, thank God!

Oh, have you guys heard
about George's new love?

I am not in love.

Ooh...
Who's the guy, George?

His name is Joe,
and he's super weird.

He isn't weird.

-Okay, he's a little weird.
-He is super creepy.

You know Barnes,
I wish you'd just stop.

He's really sweet,

and he's the first guy
I've dated in a long time

that I actually like,

so for once can you just drop
the bitchy gay guy shtick?

Oh my fucking God,

it was a twist off.

(Joe)
Hey Louis.

Joe?
What are you doing here?

Why are you
looking at me like that?

-Is Andy here?
-No.

But I don't think
it's a good idea

if you go inside.

Why?

I'm seeing this new guy.

Wait, you're not
seeing Andy anymore?

No.

Actually, could you
stand right over here?

I thought you...

Well, you know Andy and I
used to be together.

Could you stand just on
the other side of the bricks?

What? No. Why?

Well, I just thought
it'd be easier

if you weren't right
in front of the window, but...

What would be easier?

[whacking sound]

♪

[blender sounds]

George, what's your
guy's name again?

-Joe Palmer.
-What?

Joe Palmer.

Joe Palmer?

That sounds so familiar.

-He loves our videos.
-Really?

Oh, Joe Palmer.

He was at Louis's game
night last week with Andy.

Yes!

You guys played games
last week?

Well yeah,
well he was dating Andy.

Yeah, before Andy disappeared
off the face of the Earth.

Joe Palmer was dating Andy?

-Yeah.
-Oh, wow George.

So, the guy you're dating who
jokes about murder all the time

has an ex who disappeared?

-Oh that's nice.
-Wow.

Barnes is just
trying to start shit.

No I'm not,
I'm not trying to start shit.

I'm just pointing out that
the guy you're obsessed with

is kind of a freak!

Joe, you're here!
Sorry.

Hey, you got
something on your face.

Got it.
[chuckles]

So, I guess you guys
all know each other.

-Yeah, from um...last week.
-Hi.

Hey Joe.
Andy's missing.

Okay I know we said no games,
but let's play
Card Rule,

til Gretchen and Teddy get here.

Oh Jesus, I hate that game.
Can't we just drink?

I didn't know you dated Andy.

Yeah, I told you about him.

Yeah, I guess I just
didn't realize I knew him.

Joe, have you
played this before?

[giggles]

I don't think so.

(Cameron)
Barnes, you made up this game.

It's okay,
we'll play as a team.

-No teams.
-Yeah, no teams.

It's basically like war,
but if you play an Ace

you can't speak
for an entire round.

It's easy.
You'll get it.

Barnes you go first.

Barnes!

I'm flushing out the good cards.

Ugh!

Sorry Cameron.

You can't talk!

She can't talk
til the next round,

but she's not out.

If you play an ace,
you can't talk.

I get it.

Not to worry!

What? Boom!

Oh, you can't talk.

Okay, my turn,
oh triple whammy!

Oh...

-I can't believe...
-No talking!

Uh...

What if I don't have an Ace?

If you don't have an ace,

you have to pick up
the whole pile.

-Pick it up.
-Shhhh!

[mouthing directions to play]

Hey, where are
Gretchen and Teddy?

They're dead.

[snickering]

We killed them.

Well, I killed them.

(George)
I told you guys.

He has a twisted sense of humor.

(Cameron)
No talking!

You're strange, Joe.

You don't look
like you're joking.

-I'm not joking.
-You know what,

I don't think that's very funny.

(George)
Okay Joe...
-And George, you can't talk.

Joe, it's your turn.

I have all the cards.

So why don't you play them?

[chuckles]
Okay...

Well that didn't make any sense.

You put down an Ace,
which means you can't talk...

You know what,
doesn't matter, I'll pick it up.

Yay! I can talk again.

I'm sorry, I just
have to say something.

This game makes
zero sense to me,

I have no idea
what's happening.

Yeah, it's fine,

we don't have to play
the game anymore.

Oh thank God.
Thank you.

[breathing sighs of relief]

(Emma)
Hey, that's mine!

You know what, I'm gonna go
make some more drinks.

Can I play my new song
for you guys?

No, but I can show
you pictures from Cancun?

Okay.

Can I help you
with something Joe?

I'm just getting
a glass of water.

The glasses are in
the cabinet right there.

You just needed a glass, right?

Hey.

Let's go upstairs.

Okay.
[chuckles]

Where are you guys going?

Ewww, you guys
are guests in this house.

That's very rude.

-Ooh, ooh, me too!
-Okay, okay, calm down.

You guys,
what was that?

What was what?

That was extremely creepy,
right?

You think you might
be a little jealous?

Jealous?

Of Joe?

No, I'm not jealous of Joe.

No, I meant you're
jealous of George.

No, I'm not jealous of anyone.

Oh my God,
you're jealous of Joe?

-You like George?
-No, Oh my God!

No, I'm not jealous.

Oh my God,
you're SO jealous of George!

No, that's the thing,
he's jealous of Joe!

-What?!
-You guys are stupid.

This is Barnes' bedroom, huh?

Um hmmm.

He must like art.

I guess, yeah.

So did you tell Barnes
about what we've done?

About what?

All the killings.

How about we stop
with the killing stuff?

What do you mean?

The killing stuff

is not that funny.

I'm very confused.

Here... kiss me.

You're in such a hurry.

Can we finish our conversation?

I, I...

I'm feeling weird.

No.

Shut up Joe.

Get off of me!

[laughs]

(George)
What is wrong with you?

[laughing]

(George)
Okay, what the fuck was that?!

What did I do?

Hello...

Joe!

[hamster squeaking]

What are you doing?

Joe.

[hamster squeaking]
Joe!

Fucking stop!

Barnes, get up here!

Barnes! Barnes!

Fucking stop!

You're fucking killing her!

Barnes,
he's squishing Meryl Streep.

-Let her go!
-Barnes!

-Barnes stop!
-Meryl!

Joe?

-He's crazy, he's fucking crazy.
-He's not breathing.

-Joe?
-He killed Meryl.

Oh my God!

Oh my God,
call the police!

I mean ambulance. Go!

Oh my God. Oh my God.

-I think he's dead!
-Oh my God!

But he killed my hamster.
[hamster squeaks]

I don't know
the number for an ambulance,

do you just dial 911?

-i don't know what you dial.
-No.

Just wait.

What happened?

He hit me.

(Cameron)
So you killed him?

Barnes did.

We need to call
an ambulance right now.

You weren't here,
he went crazy,

he was crushing her.

Joe went crazy?

You guys, we need
to call an ambulance.

They've got to help us.
They've go to...

(Barnes)
{end-italic}Cameron!

He's fucking dead all right?
He's not breathing.

I fucking killed him.
We can't call anybody.

Hey you guys, um...

me and Cameron are just
going to take a second.

-Yeah.
-What?

Yeah, we're going
to go downstairs

and have
a private conversation.

Okay, wait, wait,
wait, wait... did...

Oh my God,
Oh my God, Oh my God!

Did Barnes kill Joe
because he's jealous?

What? No! God.

-Okay.
-I don't know.

Cameron, this is going
to sound crazy, but

is this some kind
of conspiracy,

like, is this a comspiracy
that's happening?

Are you, are you,
where are you right now?

I don't...
we're calling 911.

-He kills small animals.
-What?

That was one of the things
he used to joke about.

He does taxidermy.

He doesn't joke.

What are you talking about?

Call Teddy and Gretchen.

What?

Just call them please!

I'm not calling them
right now.

Fucking call them!!

George! I am not calling them,

they don't have anything
to do with this.

He could have killed them!

What?

Just call them please.

Hey, it's me...

Um... I just have a quick
question for you.

Um...
[exhales]

So if you...

if you see somebody
murder someone,

and you don't turn in the
person who did the murdering,

what happens to you?

Or what happens to like,
you and your friend, do you,

-do you like, go to jail or...?
-Is that the police?

Call me as soon as you can.

What the fuck Emma?!

It's my brother.
He's really smart.

-What?
-He's almost a lawyer Cam.

That was his voicemail?!

Yes, he wasn't answering
he's probably at work.

Why would he
kill his parents?

I don't know.

Because they were rude to me?

-If what he told me is true...
-Wait, what about Oli?

No, just his parents,

and Teddy and Gretchen.

I knew there was
something wrong with him.

Can you go to jail
for killing an insane person?

I don't know.
I think so.

If he killed both his parents,
and he doesn't have any friends,

then no one knows he's here
and we can just...

get rid of the body.

-How?
-I don't know.

Dump his body somewhere
or something.

Are you serious?
We can't do that.

George, I just fucking
killed him, I could go to jail!

You knew that
he was killing people,

and you didn't even
call the police.

I didn't know he was serious.

Who's gonna believe that?

This whole thing could
ruin both our lives.

Or, we could just,
make it go away.

Come on, come on...

Come on answer!

I've been on hold.
I swear to God,

it's rung like 27 times,
and they put me on hold,

like, what if there was a fire?

Cameron, hang up.

We can't just call the police,

and not tell them
we're calling the police.

We have to give them
the chance to realize

it's the right thing to do.

Come on, man,
they're our friends.

[phone rings]

Hello?

It's 911!

What?
Why did you answer the phone?

I thought it would
be my brother.

[in fake accent]
Hello, thank you for calling,

I wanted you to know
my neighbor's dog

is very barky and loud,
and is driving me crazy.

Um hmm...yes...okay,
thank you.

That was really good.

She was really mean.

Come on guys, we're
going to Griffith park.

[trunk slams]

(Radio Announcer)
Investigators
are linking the blaze

to a cover up of the murder

of District Attorney,
James Palmer and his wife.

The couple's son,
Joe Palmer, is missing.

It is estimated
that the fire caused

over forty-five million
dollars worth of damage

including the home
of Sally Jesse Raphael...

See? Rauphael.

An Australian
catamaran is home today...

[radio clicks off]

So he really was a killer.

He killed his parents.

It's a good thing
to kill a killer.

I mean, we stopped him, right?

Okay, I'm sorry,
why are Emma and I here?

Joe used to joke that you
could take a dead body,

and leave it in Griffith Park

and the coyotes
would eat the evidence.

I mean, at least
I thought he was joking.

Gross.

They want animals
to eat his body?

If they try dragging us
into this shit,

I'm gonna be SO pissed.

That stuff I was saying earlier
about a comspiracy...

I'm just saying.

Do you guys even know

if hitting someone with
a laptop would kill them?

People are harder
to kill than you think.

What about Andy?

Andy?
What do you mean?

I mean, he probably
killed Andy too, right?

Oh my God.

I mean, what are we
in the middle of right now?

Oh my God, you're right.

He killed Andy.

And Oli.

Jesus Christ.
What is happening?!

(George)
I don't know.

Then why don't
we call the police?!

Because I KILLED him Emma!

I don't want to go to jail!

Okay Barnes...
just, just,

just think for a minute...
Okay,

you know there's no way
we're gonna get away with this.

Yeah, I am terrible
at keeping secrets.

-Wasn't it self-defense?
-Kinda...

What are we suppose to do guys?

Take his dead body
from the trunk

and put it back upstairs
in the bedroom?

No, no, no, I think that's
called tampering with a body.

I mean, that will give you
like two or three years?

Three.

Okay, so what is it people do?

Do they just like take a dead
body to the police

and drop it off and say,
hey sorry,

we killed him,
we don't know what to do!

I mean, that seems nuts.

But my rationality is
really fucked up right now.

What's the least
crazy thing to do right now?

[sneezes]

I still think
it's taking him to the park.

So let's just put him
in the fucking park.

Can I play my song
for you guys?

[guitar strumming]

♪ I never knew you'd be
the love of my life ♪

♪ Before you I was living
through nothing but strife. ♪

♪ I see you every day
At the desk next to mine ♪

♪ You wear the perfect clothes

♪ Oh,
And your hair is so fine! ♪

♪ And someday,
someday, someday Yea. ♪

♪ Someday, someday, someday.

♪ You are gonna be mine.

♪ You're gonna be mine.

♪ I know fraternizing's
against all the rules. ♪

♪ But falling in love
turns you into two fools. ♪

♪ I wish you'd just turn around
and look in my eyes. ♪

♪ Then you'd see my heart

♪ which I cannot disguise.

♪ And someday, someday,
someday. Yea. ♪

♪ Someday, someday, someday.

♪ You're gonna be mine.

♪ You're gonna be mine.

[guitar strumming]

♪ I wish you'd take down
that picture of her. ♪

♪ The one in your cubicle.

♪ She's wearing a fur.

♪ And one of these days you
might remember my name. ♪

♪ You always call me Jenna,
but that's almost the same. ♪

♪ And someday, someday,
someday. Yea. ♪

♪ Someday, someday, someday.

♪ You're gonna be mine.

♪ You're gonna be mine.

[guitar strumming]

He really does call me Jenna.

This is Glen, right?

(George)
I liked it.

[thumping from back of car]

No, no, no, no!

Fuck no, NO!

Come on,
get in the car, George.

Get in the car George!

All we have to do
is kill your friends.

I understand this will be
really hard for you to do.

But this is
the clean slate we need.

My parents have
a lake house up north.

We can live there,

we can hunt our own food,

plant a garden.

I don't have to kill anymore

if you don't want me to.

I mean,
after we kill these guys.

What?!

I'm in love with you George.

Wait, what?...

I know you love me too.

Did you even like
Beef and Broccoli?

Yes George.

I've never lied to you.

Ever.

Okay.

So how should we do it?

Well,

I've got lots of knives.

Oh my God! No!

George! No!

Everybody stop,
what's happening?!

What George,
you're gonna kill us?

You're not a killer!!

Are you?

Yes George, I never thought
you could be the killer

but I guess now you are.

Cameron! Wait, stop!

What's happening?!

That's crazy,
you're not serious!

You can't be serious.

Look, I know I said earlier
this was a conspiracy,

but I didn't
really believe that.

Oh my God!

You're not serious!

Are you swear to God
you're serious,

or are you joking?

Are you doing this
to trick him?

You swear to God?

What the fuck
is happening?!

He's serious Emma!
So shut the fuck up!

I've got a plan.

If you guys say anything,

George and I
will kill them too.

[christian music
playing on radio]

Are you guys okay?

This is crazy!

They're gonna grow
their own food?

Yeah, we're okay ma'am
we just ran out of gas.

Yeah, and, she's never
run out of gas before.

Well ya gotta
be careful on this road,

people drive pretty fast.

All right,
well thank you ma'am.

And it's kind of hot,
do you have water?

I have juice boxes
in the back.

Thank you.
We're fine.

Are you guys from
around this area?

Silver lake.

-Echo Park
-Historic Filipino town.

My sister just went to...

now what is that place?

University Studios?

Universal.

What was that honey?

-Universal Studios.
-Universal Studios.

Yes, that's it.
She had a blast.

Have you ever been
to Universal Studios?

I have.

Have you...
been to Universal Studios?

Yeah.

Have you ever been
to Universal Studios?

-Actually I haven't.
-You haven't?!

-Never made the time to go.
-Make the time.

What about you, bashful?

You know what ma'am,
we're actually all good.

So, you should probably go.

Actually,

we could really use
a ride to a gas station.

No, ma'am, you should
go right now!

Oh, it's okay honey, I'd
be happy to give you a ride.

Joe, my friends and I are going
to stay here with the car,

you're going
to go to the gas station.

(Joe)
They know everything.

The world knows everything, Joe.

It was on the radio.

I want to start
a new life with you.

Clean slate, like you said.

Well, we just need a car then.

Exactly, a car.

Which is why,

you are going to go
with the this nice lady here.

-What's your name, ma'am?
-Karen.

Karen.
I have an Aunt Karen.

You're going to go with Karen.

Kill the lady,
take the car,

meet me at the gas station.

Why don't you just
come with me right now?

Because I have
to go to the bank,

and empty my accounts.

We can do that together.

Well, Barnes owes me
a lot of money,

and I don't want to embarrass
him in front of everybody.

Also you have
to get rid of this body.

You know, hide it, chop it up,
whatever it is you do.

You're good at this.

A new start.

You and me.

God, I just really
wanna kill them.

I know you do.

I love you Joe.

I love you too.

So, are you boys coming with me?

I got sherbert melting in here.

Well come on in, Joe.

[engine starts]

Karen Bennett.
Nice to meet you.

Why do you have a machete?

He's gonna kill
that woman isn't he?

Karen?

Yeah.

I feel terrible.

Okay, so we're gonna
call the police now, right?!

I don't know.
I mean, is what I did illegal?

See? It's hard!

Emma?

Emma let's get out of here!

You wanna know what's crazy?

Part of me wants to go
meet him at the gas station.

Are you fucking kidding me!?

I'm not going to!

I guess we should be going.

What are we going to do now?

I don't know, but I've got
to stop somewhere to eat.

I am STARVING.

Oh, we passed a taco place
like 30 minutes ago.

What else?

I don't know.

I think there's a Carl's
Junior around here maybe.

I can't eat fast food.

-Eck.
-No.

-Although their fries.
-The fries.

We should have their fries,

-right?
-Yeah, yeah.

We are so bad.

We are terrible.

-Hi guys, it's George!
-And Barnes!

We are so sorry it's been
so long since our last video.

We just want
to give a shout out

to all our new subscribers,
all our new fans.

Yeah, you guys are so awesome.

You're so awesome.

I mean, this has been
such a wild ride.

I always knew our videos
were going to take off,

like you knew that,

but I had no idea
they would be this huge.

-Yeah, this is like, huge.
-Huge.

-It's crazy.
-It's crazy.

Subscribe.

We've got more
Pam and Tabby
coming out soon.

-More
Country Cooks
{end-italic}.
-More
Denise and Susan.

And we've got more
Ladies on Fire!

-Bringing them back.
-Right now.

Puppy food.
Puppy food.

Puppy Food Challenge.

Oh God!

Eat your heart out you two.

It's actually not that bad.

Here's a picture of me
with Dana Delaney.

What are we doing?

And we have loved
hearing from you guys

in the comment section.

Look at this picture!

This Tuesday...

We will be guests on...

(both)
The Talk
{end-italic}!

I mean...

From where we were
to where we are now...

Thank you!

Don't forget to like us on
Instagram, follow us on Twitter,

and subscribe to our
brand new podcast,

Bloody Sundays
{end-italic}, on iTunes.

Oh, and add us on Facebook.

And thank you
so much for watching

and keep re-tweeting,
and keep favoriting

and keep sharing,
and until next time

-I'm George.
-Anyway, I don't know

if you can even see it.

-How many views this time?
-300k

Okay, how about this
for our next video?

Barnes and I
play two sassy cops.

Who also sing.

-Okay.
-Genius, right?

Can you sing?

How dare you!

Of course I can sing!

I don't know,

I never heard you sing.

Okay, really though,
I have to go.

All right?
I will talk to you later.

-Love you.
-I love you too.

Bye.

Bye.

♪