You're Gonna Miss Me (2017) - full transcript

[guitar plays]

[crowd cheers]

The son of country music singer
Colt Montana has died.

Colton Montana Jr. was killed

while serving
his country in Iraq.

[music plays, crowd cheers]

[COLT]
Everybody!

> Think you're
so damn smart, J)

> but tell me somethin'
1 don't know! J)

[CROWD cheering]

[COLT chuckles]



♪ Girl, you've got
a face for radi-- ♪

JD Girl, you've got a
face for radi-- ♪

JD Girl, you've got a
face for radio! ♪

[CROWD cheering]

Wa-hoo!

Thank you, Tucson!

[COLT laughs, coughs]

[COLT]
Play me off, boys, play me off.

Thank you!

[coughing]

Thank you!

[WARD] I've managed
all the greats, love.

Of course you know that.

Smash it, baby, smash it!



Of course, anyway,

Colt won't get out of bed
for less than 100 grand.

Put it on my room, love;
11111. Thank you.

Call me tomorrow,
we'll close the deal.

love you, bye.

Sevens, mate! Woo!

[coughs] Jeez...

Colt.

You've got a coupla guests
who'd like to meet ya, mate.

[COLT]
Yeah.

Thank you, gentlemen.

[SGT REID]
Thanks again.

[COLT] Make sure the casino's
nice to these folks, okay?

Put 'em on the right
slot machine!

[WARD]
Not the left one! [chuckles]

[COLT]
Yeah.

So, mate, how you feeling?

Oh, better 'n some,
worse than others.

Those things're gonna
kill you, ya know.

I am moderating, okay?

Brilliant job.

[MAXI]
Baby!

That was such a good show!

[COLT]
How are you?!

Ooch, naughty!

All right, you caught me.
You caught me.

Okay, the casino is having
their slot mania tonight

and you know what I say...

Ido, I do...

When the slots are spinning,
Colt is winning!

[BOTH laugh]

[COLT] All right, all right,
you just take all y'all

and go on outta here.

I'll get cleaned up in the room and
I'll meet you in the casino, okay?

--I'll warm it up!
--You warm it up!

[BOTH growl]

[MAXI]
So cute! Uh!

[COLT]
Oh!

[WARD]
Christ!

So we've, uh, gota
radio interview on K-PIG

at seven tomorrow, then?

In the morning?

[WARD]
Yeah. It's the #1 morning show.

I had to kiss the station
manager's ass to get booked.

I'll kiss your ass
to get it canceled.

Oh? Cheers.

Any word from the boys?

[WARD]
Umm,

no, not yet. I'll track
them down again tomorrow.

Anyway, I've, uh,

1 got a meetin' with
the label next month.

The label? Why?

We both know you've got

one more great hit
record left in you.

[COLT] You-- You-- You walk
a fine line between

optimism and stupidity,
my friend.

[WARD] Save that! It could be
a cut on the next record!

And there's a fabulous article
in Country Music Milestones.

They said--

[crash]

[WARD]
Colt...?

Colt!

Oh, dear God!

>

Oh, there you go.

Thank you, chica.

Ooh. You see the culo
on that one?

Mm!

That's my wife!

That... That lady right there.

The one that I just...?

And a lovely wife she is.

Conquian.

[MAV]
Shit!

I've been fishin' for
an eight this entire game.

You been fishin'
an empty river, boy.

There's no eights in conquian.

You coulda told me
that, ya know.

[PABLO] The only eight is in
the 8,000 you now owe me.

All right.

Amigos.

Whatever the total is,
I can assure you, all right.

Mi padre is good for it.

[PABLO]
He thinks you pay me the 8,000.

Now!

Ohh...

Eight thousand.

[gun clicks]

Amigo.

Okay! Nope, okay.
Definitely eight.

Can I at least finish my beer?

Okay, no beer then.

Oh, tequila. I will take
a tequila, thank you.

[PABLO]
Take 'em!

[MAV]
No need for the push!

Man, you... ain't gotta
push me, all right.

[PABLO]
Move it!

[MAV] You got rough hands,
man, you know that?

All right!

Thank you.

God!

All right...

[MAV] Now that we've got this
"no eights” shit sorted out,

I'm ready to clean
your ass, amigo.

When's the next game?

Depends how this
game goes, boy.

[laughs] Touché.

[PABLO]
Move it!

Okay! I'm...

Ah. J-Just... just...

Can lget--Canlgeta
little privacy?! Okay?

Let's go!

All right!

Move those fingers
before I bust them!

All right, I don't know
what the problem is,

but I can assure you fellas
I'm good for it, okay, I just...

I need to make a phone call.

The time for calling
has passed, amigo!

Okay. All right, ahh...

[grunts]

[MAN A screams]

[PABLO]
Get him, pendejo!

Get him!

[gunshots]

[MAY panting]

[PABLO]
There you are, puto!

[tires screeching]

[MAN B groans]

Get in, Mav!

[MAY laughing]

Get your ass in
here, mate! Christ.

Ward! Dude! You have no idea
how happy I am to see you, man!

Oh! God, how did
you find me here?

How did you think?
I tracked your credit card.

Yeah, about that...

Dude, somethin's up.
Dad's card got declined.

I know, that's why I'm here.

Good. I mean, you know
1 got a couple of irons

in the fire as far as the whole
personal income thing goes,

but if you could get
that card up and runnin',

that would be beautiful.

Yeah... Mav...

Your Dad...

Yeah?

He's dead.

[alarm buzzing]

What are you doing?

What does it look
like I'm doin'?

Yeah, I'm not a sex doll, Tally.

Hey, you keep sayin'
you want a family.

My engine is running.

Yeah, I have to go work out
before I go to the office.

Sex can be a workout.

[JENNIFER]
You're funny.

[TALLY]
I--

I'm your hammer!
I'm your hammer!

That's it!

And three... two...

Done!

[JENNIFER gasping]

God! He's...

He's in incredible shape!

You keep sayin' that.

Yeah.

[TALLY] But so are you,
though. You look good.

I'm so sweaty.

Well, that's how I like it!

I know. I need a shower.

Great!

Alone.

Come on, I'm gonna
be late for work!

Okay, I get it.

I promise I'll have
more time this weekend.

Okay...

It's a date.

[TALLY] Wow, you look
beautiful as ever today.

[AUDREY] Kissing my ass
this early in the morning

means you want something,
so what's on your agenda?

Ha! That's...

That's the big question,
isn't it?

Look, as you know, I'm married
to your beautiful daughter.

[AUDREY]
Mm.

[TALLY] And look,
I've been a good soldier

for the family company.

Well, that's debatable.

Debatable?!

Sorry. Look, look, all I
wanna do is talk about this

restitution judgment against me.

Oh, yes, well, there is that.

You know you advised
your clients

to make excessive
investments and trades

just so you could make
more commissions.

Hmm. Because you told me to.

Yeah, I am sure I have no clue
what you're talking about.

I'm not wearing a wire, Audrey.

All right, honey.

What's the ruling?

Two hundred and fifty thousand
dollars in seven days

orl go to jail.

Sounds like playground
scare tactics to me.

They sound pretty serious.

Your father's rich.

Why don't you just ask
him for the money?

Look, with all due respect,
1 would rather go to jail.

[AUDREY]
Well, with all due respect,

you may have to
swallow your pride.

[TALLY]
So, you would rather

watch your son-in-law be
hauled away by the feds?

[AUDREY]
Well, I suppose that

could be a bit of a scar
on the old family firm.

Yeah. Big one.

So, if you just
loan me the money,

all this goes away.

It's a lot of money, Tally.

Audrey, itis.

And think about how that
money could go to, say...

...raising a child.

You and Jennifer are
starting a family?

Yes, we are. And that's why
I don't wanna tell her

about all this SEC stuff--

‘cause it's just gonna
stress her out.

And you know what they say?

Stress is nature's spermicide.

They say that, do they?

[TALLY]
They do.

All right.

Let me be the spermicide
to your stress.

That means I'm going to
cover your nut for the SEC.

Audrey, yes! Oh!

I... 1 don't know how to
thank you. Come here!

No, no, no.

Sorry.

But, a first grandchild.

That would be it!

Will do. I'm gonna go get
started on that right away.

I love you! Thank you!

Good seeing you, as always.

No clue.

[door closes]

[TALLY]
Honey, I hope you're ready,

‘cause I am in a fantastic...

...mood.

Ward.

What you doin' here?

I'm... uh. I'm afraid
I've got some bad news.

Your dad.

[clears throat]

He passed away.

Thought you had
some bad news. Ha.

Tally.

What? The guy's an asshole.
What do you want me to say?

Beer?

Beer.

Honey?

Tally, stop!

[TALLY]
Jen...

...how would you like
me to react, huh?

Sobbing would be nice.

You did just find out
that your father died.

Whatever.

Look, if you're here to ask me
where Mav is, I have no idea.

I've got a bead on Mav.

[TALLY grunts]

I'm sorry I can't go with
you to the will reading.

I'm lead counsel on
the telecom merger.

You understand, right?

1 get back tomorrow,
so I'll see you then.

Okay. See ya.

[door slams]

[engine revs]

[MAXI sobbing]

Oh... Baby...

[phone rings]

[WOMAN A]
Lawrence Graves' office.

[MAXI sobbing]

[WOMAN A]
One moment, please.

[TALLY]
Ah... hi?

[gasps] Tally!

[TALLY]
Hey.

Come here! Come to Mama!

[TALLY]
Okay. Heh. Hi.

[MAXI]
Tally!

Hey. Okay?

[MAXI]
Oh... Oh, baby boy!

Yeah.

You look...

Well, as expected.

Thank you!

[TALLY]
Yeah.

Thank you guys for coming.

Uh, yeah, he figured I owed
him that much, so...

Now how is my ex-girlfriend
doing, by the way?

When you gonna let that go?

You dated her for like a second.

Just never figured you one
for sloppy seconds, that's all.

[MAXI]
Guys, stop!

Everybody is somebody's
sloppy seconds!

Sorry.

She's right. What do you
say we conduct ourselves

with a modicum of civility
just this once?

I can do that.

Good. After today, we never
have to see each other again.

Aw, it's really tragic. Really.

[MAXI]
Civility! Civility.

What?

Nothin'. I just can't
believe you're wearing

cut-off sleeves right now.

It's typical. It's real typical.

You haven't seen
me in two years,

and the first thing you do is
you take a shot at my threads.

We're at a funeral.

--Guys!
--[MAV] Real mature.

It is not a funeral.

You know that.
Dad didn't want a funeral.

--Same difference.
--He wanted a will reading.

You're dressed like
you're going to

a Duck Dynasty
family reunion.

[MAV] At least my tears
are real, Tally.

Whatever.

Okay, guys, can you
bury the hammer?

The hatchet.

You need...

You need to bury the hatchet.

You bury the t...

Y-You know, the thing?

It's real good to see you, Mav.

Glad to see you
haven't changed a bit.

Right back at ya, buddy-boy.

It's really good
to see you, Maxi.

Oh, come to Step-Mommy!
Oh, poor baby.

[MAV]
You look amazing, by the way.

[MAXI]
Oh! Oh! Okay!

Maxi!

Hi!

This is, uh, Lawrence Graves,
Colt's attorney.

[LAWRENCE]
Hi, everybody.

I'm sorry we had to meet
under these circumstances,

but I appreciate everybody
making the effort.

Colt had a very
specific way in which

he wanted his
will to be read.

In fact,

I'm gonna let him
read it to you.

This thing even on?

[tapping]

[COLT]
Hello?

Yeah.

Well, hi there.

I figure if you're
watchin' this

then that means I must've
already gone off

to that big show in the sky.

Oh my God!
He's afraid of heights!

[COLT]
So that means yer sittin' there

wonderin' what in
the hell is in it for you,

so why don't we get down
to brass tacks, shall we?

First...

Maxi.

You have given me
some of the most

amazing memories of my life.

[COLT chuckles]

You might be dumber
than a box of rocks,

but you are my box of rocks.

[cries] I'm your box of rocks.

Everybody has to be wonderin'.

She's got a 4-carat
diamond ring,

she's got those fantastic fake
titties that I bought her--

what in the world
do you leave a woman

who's got the entire world
by the short 'n curlies?

I don't know... What?

My house in Vegas, that's what!

[gasps, screams]

[COLT]
Yes! That is all yours, darlin"!

I know that you
like nothin' better

than to swim naked in
that pool back there.

And you ought to.

It's your best hobby,
and you're damn good at it!

But you know this.

I'll be lookin' down
at you spread eagle.

Thank you, Big Devil!

I'm gonna swim naked as
a jaybird, just for you!

Uh!

[COLT]
Now the way I figure it,

ColtJr.and I are
sittin' together,

drinkin' tequila shooters
at the pearly gates' bar.

Which leaves my
other two sons.

Tally, let's face it.

There's a 50/50 chance
whether or not

you're even in this room today.

Son, you got your
mother's stubbornness.

And Mav.

[COLT chuckles]

Buddy, you're just a 100%,
first class screw up.

[TALLY laughs]

[COLT] You be damn proud.
You got that from me.

Now I coulda been
a better father.

Sure, but this isn't
about me anymore,

it's about you.

So listen up.

If you want my share
of the loot,

then you're gonna
have to work for it.

Both of you are going
on a little road trip.

And don't go thinkin' about one
of you doin' it on your own.

It's not gonna work that way.

At each one of the stops
is a briefcase.

On each one of the briefcases
are two thumbprint scanners.

You have to put
one thumb on one side,

one thumb on the otherside.

When you do...

[pop]

[COLT] ...little sucker'll
pop right open.

Ah! know what you're thinkin'.

Mav, you cannot lift
your brother's fingerprint

and put it on the scanner.

Doesn't work that way.

Oh, and you're each gonna get
one of my motorcycles to ride.

That's the first part
of your inheritance.

You want the rest,

gonna have to work for it.

All right. Good luck, boys.

Try not to kill each other.

Colt out!

Heh.

[LAWRENCE exhales]

No. This is insane.

Tally...

Excuse me.

Tally! Wait! Tally.

[TALLY] Ward, look, I appreciate
everything you done for us,

but I never asked for one
thing when Dad was alive,

and I sure as hell don't
need it now that he's dead.

Tally, you think
I'm happy about this?

We have to.
It's what Dad wanted.

[TALLY] You don't care
about what Dad wanted.

You just need your inheritance

now that your
bank account is dead.

Good luck to you.

[MAV]
You stuck-up piece of sh--

Mav!

Drama queens. Both of you!

--Imusic plays]
--[RICHIE] Ripped and toned.

[JENNIFER]
Ripped and toned.

Ripped and toned.

--[JENNIFER gasping]
--[RICHIE] Ripped and toned.

[JENNIFER moaning]

--[JENNIFER gasping] Hammer!
--[RICHIE] I'm your hammer.

I'm your hammer!

[TALLY]
I'm comin!

[JENNIFER]
Nail me!

[RICHIE] I'm your hammer!
I'm your hammer!

[JENNIFER]
Nail me!

Jen?!

[gasps]

[JEN yelps]

Richie Stone?!

I want a divorce.

Damn!

[phone rings]

[TALLY]
Hello?

Tally. In light of our
current circumstances,

I'm afraid I'm
just gonna have to

cancel our little
arrangement.

Wait. What?

I'm so sorry. And you're fired.

Audrey! Don't you...!

Don't you hang up.
Oh my God. Oh my God.

Yeah, you would hang up
on me, wouldn't ya? Huh?

Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no.

Goodbye.

Hey, if you think you can
get away with this, honey,

you are sorely,
sorely mistaken.

Because if I go to jail, you're
gonna be sitting right there

next to me! You understand that?

Huh? You... Stupid! Stupid!

[yelling]

[phone rings]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!

Yeah, that got your
attention, didn't it?!

Tally?

[sighs]

Ward? Sorry, man, I...

I thought you were
somebody else.

No. I got your message.

What's the haps, mate?

[exhales]

Look...

Suppose...

Yeah?

I did wanna collect
my inheritance.

There's gotta be a way
out of this road trip.

I don't think so.

Your dad arranged it all
through his attorney.

Creep.

You're sure?

I'm sure.

You're like really sure?

I'm like sure.

One hundred percent positive?

I'm as positive as I am
that "Jimmy Cracked Corn"!

[laughs]

That's hilarious,
Ward. Hilarious.

[WARD]
Thank you.

Look, hey, I don't even know
how to ride a motorcycle.

Well, Jack Kerouac.

You must get on the road.

Safe travels.

[MAV]
That's a nice office you got.

[LAWRENCE]
Yeah, I got ten of 'em.

I'm gonna franchise.

Oh, look who decided to show up.

[TALLY] I'm just doing this
sO you can get your money.

Wouldn't want you
dyin' on the streets.

[MAV]
Oh, how thoughtful.

[LAWRENCE]
Here's your motorcycle permit.

Don't I got to take
a test for this?

[LAWRENCE]
You already did.

Remember?

[TALLY]
Oh.

[inaudible]

[MAV] Mmm. Would you
look at that custom.

It's bitchin', right?

It's just like Colt Jr.'s.
Except Colt Jr.'s

had chicks hanging off the
side like barnacles, right?

Yeah, whatever.

Oh, shit.

That one's mine, isn't it?

[MAV] Yup. It's good.
If you have a vagina.

[TALLY]
Shut it.

[MAV] It's nice.
It's got training wheels.

--[TALLY] I said shut it!
--[WARD] Boys. Boys!

Quit fighting like
little girls. Okay?

Okay. Thumbprints here and here.

[MAV]
Here we go.

Well, well.

If this video is playin',

and you are watching it,

that means that
you're together.

And that's a start.

Now. Your mission,

should you decide
to accept it...

[laughs]

I've always wanted to say that.

I have! Okay...

Sorry.

I want you to take 1-40
on past Wickenburg Road.

You are looking for...

..."1014 Pine Creek Road."

Where you will meet
your Uncle Elmer.

[MAV]
For real?

[COLT] I thought it'd be a
good idea for you boys

to get reacquainted
with the kind of stock

you come from.

Let's get this misery over with.

Call me if you need
anything, eh.

[tires screeching]

[TALLY]
Dammit!

[TALLY]
Stupid ass!

[tires screeching]

[TALLY]
Ahh!

So. What do you think?

[chuckles]

I've seen lots of
dysfunctional families.

Some figure it out.

Some don't.

[WARD]
Oh.

Profound.

>

[horn honking]

[horn honking]

The throttle.
The one on the right! Hit it!

[TALLY]
I know! I know where it is!

You're a dumbass!

Just go! Just go!

[horn honking]

Hey, I only got
a quarter tank, man.

Let's stop at the next stop.

We got at least 48 miles.

We'll go to the next one,
all right?!

How do you know that?!

[TALLY grunts]

[TALLY]
How much farther?

[MAV] Now what makes you think
I would know that, huh?!

[TALLY] Well, just, pull over!
Pull over! Pull over!

Let's stop for a second.

told you! I told you we
should have stopped for gas!

God, you'd think
a quarter of a tank

would've gotten
us this far.

And why are you not wearing
a helmet, by the way?!

It's Arizona, dude.
You don't have to.

Besides, it's all...

It's part of the
personal brand thing.

[TALLY] Personal brand.
You don't have a brand--

you don't even have
a cell phone.

Yeah, of course I don't
have a cell phone.

It's a part of the brand, okay!

It's very off-grid.

Off-grid?!
You're not off-the-grid!

You're homeless!
That's what you are!

You're homeless!

[TALLY]
Gah!

I still can't get a signal!

[MAY laughs]
See what the grid gets ya?

Shut up!

What're you doing?

What does it
look like I'm doing?

It's a... It's a map, okay?

It's very consistent
with the brand.

Very off-grid.

[TALLY]
Whatever.

Oh, now you wanna look at it.

[TALLY]
Just shut up.

[MAV]
We gotta be somewhere in here.

That's not 48 miles, Mav.

It's gotta be. Look at it.
Look. This road right here.

And if we take this road,
it's somewhere up there.

We can probably cut
the distance in half.

--It's the best option we got.
--Half?!

Half is still 20 or 30 miles!
Th-That's not an option!

Okay, well you got
a better idea?!

Yes, I do. I say we stay right
here and we wait for a truck.

Oh?!

Oh, oh, we should stay right
here and wait for a truck?!

You mean the truck that we
haven't seen in two hours!

Yeah, then we're due,
aren't we?!

Oh, okay! You do what you want!

I'm goin' that way, okay?!

[TALLY]
Mav!

[sighs]

Fine, Mav, just wait!

We're gonna leave
the bikes here.

We can move faster.
I'll go with you.

[TALLY]
What are you doin?

What do you mean,
what am I doing? It's...

It's the urn.
Somebody might take it.

Oh, yeah.

Because, you know, ashes are
a hot ticket for, you know,

rover desert bandits.

Bro. Colt Montana's
urn on eBay.

It's worth at least
600, 700 bucks.

I'd steal it.

Well, if you're that
concerned about it,

why didn't you just
leave it with Ward?

I figured we'd dump it

when we get to wherever
it is that we're going.

Dad would like that.

Well. You might as well
just dump it right here.

He spent more time on the road
than he did anywhere else.

Come on!

>

[TALLY]
Here.

--Come on, take it, man.
--[MAV] I'm fine.

Just take it.

Please.

[TALLY]
No! No, no! Mav! Mav!

Dude!

Hey!

Well...

Well, that's it! We're done!

All right, don't be so dramatic.

All right. Let's just go.

Dramatic?

[laughs] Dramatic!

We are in the middle of nowhere!

[TALLY coughs]

Are you done?

[TALLY]
Dammit.

[wolf howls]

[TALLY grunts]

[owl] hooting]

[TALLY coughs]
This is it, isn't it, Mav?

This is where we die.

Hey, you think when Colt Jr.
was in Afghanistan

he sat there lookin' around,

and snivelin' like
a little bitch?

Hell no, dude. He was...

He was out there, he was kickin'
ass, and he was takin' names.

[TALLY]
You make him sound like Rambo.

[MAV]
So?

He died by a mortar
on his own base.

He was a tank mechanic.

Yeah, and without those tanks
a whole lot fewer asses

would've been kicked
and names taken, Tally,

so suck on them nipples!

[TALLY]
Whatever.

>

Hey. Hey.

Hey, Tally, wake up!

There's a road!

[TALLY]
What?!

[MAV]
There's a road!

[TALLY]
Okay.

Oh, crap.

[TALLY]
What?

[MAV]
Dude, your...

Your face...

It's all... jacked up!

Oh my God.

--Mav. God. Oh my God.
--[MAV] Sh-- Oh, sh--

Like, dude, you slept
in poison ivy!

What?!

[MAV] You're like crazy
allergic, right?

Yes!

Oh my God.

[MAV]
Dumbass!

May, I gotta go to a doctor!

1 gotta get to a doctor!

All right, all right.
Okay, well...

I can't see, Mav!

[MAV]
Hang on. I got you, all right.

[TALLY gasping]
I can't see!

[MAV]
Relax! Come on. I got you, Bro.

[TALLY grunts]
Get me outta here.

[MAV]
It's right up here. Let's go.

[MAV]
Car! Car!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Thank God!

Hey, thank you guys
for stopping.

Look, w-we need
help really bad.

If you could take us
into the town--

[WOMEN scream]

[TALLY]
No, no, no, no!

[MAV] Ya know, maybe if you
didn't look like a damn leper

somebody would stop!

Let's just go, all right?
It's five miles, we can walk it.

[TALLY]
I can barely stand, man.

[MAV] Come on. We've got
no other choice, let's go.

[DOCTOR]
Okay.

Okay, boys,
this is gonna be fun.

Let's say "ahh."

[ALL]
Ahh.

[DOCTOR]
Yup! Mm-hm.

Just what I thought.

I'm gonna need you to stand up.

[TALLY]
Okay.

Drop your pants.

What?!

[DOCTOR]
Gotta drop 'em.

Trust me, I'm the doctor here.

Last I heard, I was a doctor.

Okay.

Okay... Just bear with me, okay?

[TALLY]
Okay.

This might feel funny.

Okay... hee.

Och?!

Yeah. Wow!

All grown up, huh?

Yeah!

[DOCTOR]
Woo-hoo!

[grunts]

[DOCTOR laughs]

Oh, gentle, Doc, damn!

Does he have a name?

[TALLY]
Doc?!

What does this gotta
do with anything?!

Absolutely nothin'.

What?! Christ!

God!

No doubt about it.

You got poison ivy.

[TALLY] Yeah, no shit, Doc.
Good call there.

Hey, um... Hey, Doc?

[DOCTOR]
Yup?

Where did you get your degree?

[DOCTOR]
What degree?

[DOCTOR laughs]

[MAY chuckles nervously]

Online.

"Online"?

Online? Online. He said...
He said "online"?

--[TALLY] What is that?!
--That's a big-ass needle!

It's a steroid shot.

It's the only thing
that'll clear that up.

We usually use it on horses,

but in this case,
this will do.

Okay, we're gonna have to get
rid of the clothes, though.

[MAYV snickers]

Why?

You too.

Wait, what?!

Why?

[DOCTOR] Because you got
the oil from the poison ivy

all over your clothes.

We have to burn them.

Burn them?

[DOCTOR] Yeah, we can
disinfect the leather,

but as far as everything else,
it's gotta go.

Wait a second.
What are we supposed to wear?!

1 don't know, but I need you
to take down your pants again.

Wait, him or me?

Maybe we should take
down your pants, too.

Just... you know,
to be safe.

[MAV]
Hey, thanks, fellas!

All right, boys! See ya!

[TALLY]
See ya.

[MAY grunting]

[MAV] I could literally eat
the ass end out of an elephant.

What are you talkin' about?

[MAV]
I'm gonna get some grub.

Excuse me?

[MECHANIC]
Howdy. What can I do ya for?

Well, we're a coupla young men
that's stomachs need fillin".

What do you got?

You come to the right place.

We got, uh, Skunk Jerky,

Pigeon Paté,

Lizard Fritters, and, ah...

...my personal favorite...

...Toad Tempura.

Is tha... Is that road kill?!

Now what it is, is free range,

hormone-free, and locally grown.

[TALLY coughs]

I'll take three of each!

[TALLY] What about salad?
You got any of that?

[MECHANIC]
No.

Course not.

But we might have
some kale out back.

I'll have the kale.

Is that bird shot?

You fellas wanna gas up?

[MAV]
Yes. Ahh.

Yeah, uh. I'm gonna
hit the head.

Go ahead and fill up
our bikes, Tally.

[TALLY]
No, no, no...

Now that Dad's gone

I'm not gonna be
your bank account.

Thank you.

Look, just take this one, man.

I'm... I'm short
on funds. I can't--

Shocker.

Come on! Look...

I'll settle up when we
get there, all right?

Sure you will.

It's been declined.

Well, go try it again.

Already run it twice. Declined.

[TALLY]
Let me make a phone call.

It's probably the traveling.
It's not a big deal.

Go drop the kids
off at the pool.

[growls] Ahh, this is
so freakin' crazy.

[TELLER]
Dannell's Bank?

Ah, yes. This is, uh,
Talladega Montana.

[TELLER]
How may I help you?

Uh, look, my credit card
doesn't seem to be working.

Yes, a Jennifer Montana closed
those accounts this morning.

Bitch.

[TELLER gasps]
Excuse me?!

I'm not...
I'm not talking to you.

Just, thank you for your time.

Appreciate it.

What's the deal?

It's what I thought.

It's just the traveling.

It'll be back up and
running tomorrow.

Can I pay you with cash?

You take cash here?

Look, I'll settle up when
we get there, all right?

[TALLY]
Whatever.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Wonderful kale, by the way.

>

Oh my God!

Oh, God! That smells terrible!

It must've been that food
we ate from the gas station.

Yeah I told you, lettuce
can carry dysentery, Bro.

You shouldn't've ate that.

[TALLY]
Dude!

You literally ate...

Ugh... Skunk
peeled off a tire.

Yes, Tally, but it was a fresh
skunk peeled off the tire.

There's a big difference.

Who knows how long
that damn lettuce

had been sittin' there?

Hey, d'you ever hear Dad
talk about Uncle Elmer?

Nope.

[knocking]

[MAV]
Hello, hello!

[TALLY]
Mav! What are you doin'?!

Ah!

[MAV]
Hello?

[MAV]
Hello?!

Huh.

[MAN C]
All right! Back it on up!

[MAV, TALLY]
Shit! Shit, shit, shit!

Get yer hands
where I can see 'em!

--[TALLY whimpering]
--Okay! Okay!

[MAN C]
Hands where I can see 'em!

[TALLY whimpers]

Are y'all runaways
from a nut house?!

Ah, j-- No, Sir!

We're, uh, we're lookin'
for a guy named "Uncle Elmer."

You're Colt's boys?

Yes, Sir.

Yeah?

[TALLY]
Yeah.

[chuckles] I'll be damned!

[ELMER]
So how is the old man?!

[TALLY]
Uhh...

Dead.

Mercy.

I'm sorry.

[MAV]
That's okay.

It-1t just happened a couple
of days ago, so...

W-We're kinda isolated out here.

Uhh. "we"?

Yeah, me and the family.

Colt...

Well, come on inside.
I'll introduce you to 'em.

I'll get Emma to put some...
to put some dinner on.

Ah, you know, Uncle Elmer,
we're in a hurry.

Uh, we actually came
looking for a...

That is nonsense!

[ELMER] Son. There's always
time for family.

Now, come on!

[TALLY]
Okay.

[animals chattering]

I see y'all found some clothes.

[MAV]
Ah, yeah.

[ELMER]
Come onin!

[MAV]
All right!

[ELMER]
Have a seat.

Any, uh, seat in particular?

Any seat that's not taken.

Okay.

[ELMER]
Careful!

Uh...

What?!

You got eyes, boy?!

You almost sat on Aunt Mildred!

Oh? I'm so sorry, I...

[ELMER]
Sit here!

There?

Oh, okay... All right.

Ah, is this, ah... Is this okay?

What's it look like?

Is that a trick question?

What?!

Nothing. Nothing.

[ELMER]
Here you go, sweetheart.

What's that?
Uh, where's my manners?

Honey, this is Colt's boys.

That's Tally.

And that's Mav.

Boys, this here's the reason
I wake up in the mornin'.

It's my wife, Emma.

[MAV]
Uh...

Nice to--

Nice to meet you.

Um. Very... lovely dinner, Emma.

Food looks very delicious.

Let's eat!

Okay.

Wow! Heh! Wow. These ribs
are very great, Emma.

So, um... Thank you.
And... Mildred.

Moist 'n juicy!
Just like you, buttercup!

[laughs]

[TALLY] Uhh, did, uh, Dad leave
a... briefcase, maybe?

Or... DVD of some sort?

[ELMER]
Mmm, doesn't ring a bell.

[MAV]
Nothing at all? A tape or...

[ELMER]
Mmm... Nope.

Now that's enough talk
about business.

It is not every day
family comes to visit.

‘Specially family from
your side of the tree.

[TALLY] Uh. What...
What side of the tree is that?

Well, see, Colt and I
had the same Momma.

Let's just say...

I look awful lot
like the milk man!

[ALL laugh]

I know, Momma!

You always said I coulda
been a comedian!

[chuckles] That's a good one.

Here's to Colt Montana.

Yeah.

Father.

Brother.

One helluva country
music singer!

[MAV]
All right, Dad.

Now don't go bringin'
that up tonight!

They ain't got nothin'
to do with it!

Sorry.

Billy just ain't quite got
over the fact yer daddy

broke the duo up.

The duo?

Oh, that's right.

Wait. Uh, I never heard
Dad talk about a duo.

What happened?

Well... I think Colt
just felt like he'd

stand a better shot
goin' it alone.

[ELMER]
Got up early one mornin'...

[ELMER clears throat]

Went to Nashville...

That was that.

I'm sorry, Uncle Elmer.

So he ditched you, huh?

Son. If I'd gone off
to Nashville...

...I'd have never met
my sweet Emma.

Far as I'm concerned...

...that's worth more than
all the fame in the world.

That is it! I have
had it with you, boy!

You want the belt?!

You know, Uncle Elmer,
this was wonderful.

Really, really, truly wonderful.

--We have an early start tomorrow.
--We're gonna head up to bed.

[MAV]
Okay!

[ELMER]
Just leave those.

Emma'll take care of it.

[TALLY]
Okay.

Ah, thank you, Emma, Billy.

Excuse me, Aunt Mildred.

Billy, I'm changin'
yer name to Catfish!

You all mouth and no brains!

[MAV]
He's nuts!

[TALLY]
Yeah.

[MAV]
Let's get the hell outta here!

[TALLY] We're not leavin'
without that briefcase!

Okay... Okay...

Let's go.

[ELMER] Them stars sure
are beautiful tonight.

Ain't no lights from
the city to drown them out.

Not a soul around for miles.

You know, before the fire,

there was a porch on the back.

That view's even better
from the east.

Wish the view's
all I lost that night.

Yer Daddy give me the money

to put this place back
just the way it was.

Down to the square head nails
and the framin' lumber.

Give me the money to make this
place profitable again, too.

5... Somethin' missin' here,
though, ain't there?

Hey, Uncle Elmer.

You have a very
beautiful family.

Sure do. Sure do.

[ELMER]
Hey, boys, look what I found!

This was in the
closet upstairs.

I-1 think, uh, this might
be what you're lookin' for.

It is, Uncle Elmer.
Thank you, thank you.

All right, well,

you made it to
your Uncle Elmer's.

He is an original, isn't he?

Colt!

[COLT]
I know, I know, I know,

both his oars do not
reach the water,

but that man is a better
musician than I ever was.

I promise you that.

Now, I want you to
go to the address

on that little piece
of paper in the case--

follow it to your Aunt Zelda's.

If she is still there,

she will know exactly
what you need to do next.

If she is not...

...you're screwed! [laughs]

Nah, nah, she'll be there.
Big Devil, out.

Zelda! Hell, I thought she's
in jail down in Columbia!

Maybe she got parole?

She castrated a federale
with a lawn dart.

Pretty sure parole
was outta play.

[sighs] I tell you one thing,

if Zelda's anything
like she used to be,

ain't no tellin' what
you boys are rollin' into.

Keep your head on a swivel--

try not to get shot!

That's great.

Will do, Uncle Elmer. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for everything.

[ELMER] You boys take care,
I... 1 put you some, uh...

...some deviled hams and
some crackers in here.

That'll travel good for ya.

l appreciate it. Thank you.

All right, keep between
the ditches.

[TALLY chuckles]
Okay.

Hey, Uncle Elmer.

Catch you on the way back?

Ya know, that'd be good.

Maybe then you boys can
tell me what you wanna do.

Careful out there now!

Hey, what ya think
he meant by that?

[TALLY]
I don't know.

Maybe he thinks that, uh,

we'll give him money like
Dad did with our inheritance.

There'd be worse ways
to spend it.

Points to Pop, man.

Yeah, whatever.
Let's get outta here.

Ignition, dumbass.

[TALLY]
Yeah.

>

[MAV] The hell is this?
Some kind of convent?

[TALLY]
What?

[MAYV] Bro. What if they're
giving Aunt Zelda

some kind of exorcism?

[TALLY]
Aunt Zelda must be sick.

[MAV]
Why? What makes you say that?

This is where Mom came to die.

[TALLY]
Now, did we learn our lesson?

There a doorbell?

Don't walk in.

[knocking]

Aunt Zelda!

[door creaks]

Hello?!

--[NUNS] Reprobates!
--[MAYV, TALLY scream]

--[NUNS] Reprobates!
--[MAV, TALLY screaming]

[MAV]
Okay! Okay!

[TALLY] We're looking
for a woman named Zelda!

Tattooed!

[MAV]
She might have a crack pipe!

[NUN A]
Hey! That'll be enough!

Get outta here. Go on, get out!

[NUNS screaming]

[NUN A]
Go on! You old hens!

Quit your cacklin"!

Get!

What?!

Aunt Zelda?

Saw the news about Colt
in the paper.

Took you little
shits long enough.

You're a nun?

[ZELDA] Somethin' wrong
with turnin' over a new leaf?

[TALLY]
Well, no, uh, I just figured...

...you ever walked into a church
you'd just burst into flames.

[MAV chuckles]
Yeah.

[BOTH laugh]

[ZELDA]
Funny.

The sisterhood knows
to err is human,

but to forgive is divine.

[MAV] I mean, surely if they
knew everything you've done

they wouldn't let
you in here, right?

Ha! Told 'em, they didn't care.

Everything?

All of it!

The sodomy?

[ZELDA]
Mmm... yep!

[MAV]
The drug dealers?

[ZELDA]
Uh-huh.

The sodomy of drug dealers?

[ZELDA chuckles]
Every... Every dirty detail,

1 told 'em, they didn't care.

I'm guessin'... this
is what you're here for.

[MAV, TALLY]
Yes!

[MAV]
Thank you.

Diddle-wisps here, please.

These are your momma's ashes.

[ZELDA]
What Colt treasured this urn...

He wants you two boys
to mix these ashes with his.

I don't know, spread 'em
where you will.

Thank you.

Do you remember much about her?

Momma?

Bits and pieces, really.

I was six when she died, so...

Too damn young.

I was ten.

Well, if ever there was a woman
destined for sainthood,

it was your momma.

[TALLY chuckles]
Well, hey, she'd have to be

to put up with a guy
like Dad, right?

[ZELDA] You can think what
you want, but he loved her.

He was never, never
the same after she died.

Neither were we.

We needed our father around,

not somebody that
pretended to be one

just when it suited him.

Hey, you watch yourself.

Do you know that, uh, the last
two weeks Mom was here,

he wouldn't bring
us to see her?

Now you wait a minute--

Couldn't bring his own boys
to see their dying mother!

No, no, he'd rather play shows
for drunk hillbillies.

Hell of a guy.

For your information,
you spoiled little shit,

Colt didn't bring you here
because your momma

didn't want you to
see her like that.

He was honoring her wishes.

Oh, by abandoning her two boys.

Is that honoring her wishes?!

[ZELDA]
Well, he had a rough patch.

Ha!

[ZELDA]
He turned it around!

Please.

He donated a shitload
of money to this place

and I wouldn't be
here without him.

He snuck mein
the pearly gates,

so to speak.

Yeah, I see what this is.

[MAV]
Tally! Tally, hey. Hey, dude!

Where ya goin"?

May, this is not a road trip.

This is the Colt Montana
PR campaign.

He designed this whole trip
so his buddies can tell us

how great he was.

Aunt Zelda.

[MAV]
Tally!

--[door slams]
--Aunt Zelda, I'm so sorry.

I don't know what's
gotten into him.

Ya know, sometimes when we...
lose those we love,

we direct that pain and anger

towards the loved ones
that we still have with us.

[MAV]
Yeah, could be.

Or maybe he's just an asshole.

[MAY laughs]

You are right about that.

Let's watch it.

Oh, okay.

[COLT]
So, you found your Aunt Zelda,

which means she's still a nun.

Now that there, boys, is
a miracle on its own right.

Amen!

[COLT]
All right, from here on out,

I want you to travel
to Big Jake's.

Directions are in the box.

You're lookin'
for Jake Fillmore.

Talk at ya later.

Jake Fillmore.

1 do hope you boys find
what you're lookin' for.

[phone rings]

[TALLY]
I'm done, Ward!

What do you mean "done"?

I mean done.

I'm tired of Dad
jerkin' us around.

I don't care about the money.

I'm not calling
about the money.

Your, um... your
friends at the SEC

gave me a jingle this morning.

Said you owe a shit ton of
cash in the next 48 hours

or you're officially a fugitive.

Yeah. I know that, Ward.

[WARD]
Don't mean to be a gadfly,

but maybe now isn't the time

to let your foolish pride get
in the way of saving your ass.

Well, hey, prison's gotta be
better than this, doesn't it?

[WARD] I wouldn't know.
Ask Zelda. [laughs]

How'd you know we
were at Zelda's?

Oh, well, I watch
the psychic channel,

you know that.

Oh, seriously, I, uh, figured
your Dad would send you

to collect your mum's ashes.

All else okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

[WARD] Listen, mate, um,
don't be stupid.

You can hate Colt as much
as you want, but...

...keep the bars off
your windows. Mm?

Fine. I'll keep going, but
I'm not happy about it, Ward.

Eh, happiness is overrated.
Ha, ha, ha!

[MAV]
Yo, is everything all right?

[TALLY sighs] Yeah. Good.

It's good.

Where to next?

[MAV] Dad wants us to see
some guy named Jake Fillmore.

[TALLY]
Okay, well, uh...

Our bikes are running
on fumes, so...

Yeah, you got those credit
cards up and runnin"?

Uh... you know what,
I don't know what's goin' on.

The system still
seems to be down.

Well, we need to do somethin',
man, we don't have money.

Yeah.

[HONEY]
You boys must be desperate.

[MAV] Desperate? I mean,
that's a matter of opinion.

We're not desperate--

we just wanna sell
a bike, that's all.

[HONEY] I like your, uh,
your sleeveless look.

Takes a lot of confidence.

That a branding thing?

Yes! Yes! Yes, oh my God.

Yes! Finally somebody gets it.

Okay. Listen...

...this trike sells on the floor
for 25, we'll settle for 18.

I had a trike once.

Had pink tassels
on the handlebars

and a Hello Kitty decal.

Yeah, I was three.

Nowadays, this
is more my speed.

Uh, heh, he-hey, um,
glad you like it...

Fine, 18 for the bike.

[MAV]
I'm not selling the bike!

I'll give you five.

--[TALLY laughs]
--E-Exactly.

Five? There is 400 miles
on this thing!

What are you doing?

Take it or leave it, I mean--

if you had an autographed
Ramones album,

or a mint '68 Stratocaster,

or a unicorn or something,

then we could talk.

Fine. Five thousand,
cash, for the bike.

Hundred.

[MAV, TALLY]
Hundred?!

Like I said.
Take it, or leave it.

Uhh, could you just
give us a second,

uh, we'll be...
we'll be right back.

Dude, we will go
down the street,

we'll find a place to sell it.

Let's trade it in. Okay?

I don't want to sell my bike.

Fine! Five hundred for the bike!

[HONEY] Cool! Let's go
start the paperwork.

Look, I know you're
the stock trader and all,

but this is a terrible
business decision.

Hey. We need the cash, Mav.
Okay? Come on.

I'm gonna buy that bike back.

This is robbery, is what it is!

[HONEY]
Yeah, yeah.

Oh! Thank you.

I'll, uh,

throw in ten bucks
for these dog tags.

Not a chance.
They're my brother's.

Okay, well, you have my number.

1 look forward to doing
some more... business.

Flip ya for who rides bitch?

[MAV]
Foreclosure?

[MAV]
Huh.

[TALLY]
Huh.

[music plays]

[MAV] Hey, hey, hey.
They're playin' poker.

Spot me a hundred
bucks of my money.

Ha. Buy into a poker game
where one guy's missing a hand

and another guy has a knife?

[MAV]
Yeah.

Absolutely not!

Come on, dude! Look at 'em,

they're a bunch of marks!
1 got this!

Wha...? No! Let's just
find Jake Fillmore

and get the hell outta here.

[WAITRESS]
Y'all good?

[TALLY]
Uh, hey there, Sir.

How ya doin"?

Uh, lookin' for a guy
named Jake Fillmore.

Jake Fillmore, right?

Jake Fillmore.
Fillmore. Fillmore?

Fillmore, no? Big Jake?

[TALLY] What? Am I not saying
that's right to you? C'mon...

Hello.

Never.

Never?

Never.

Have you seen me?

Have you seen me?!

Our dad just died.

Sexy.

...Tally and Mav Montana!

Our dad possibly
left a briefcase

orsome visual element
of some sort.

Is this a bridge troll thing?
Dol need to solve a riddle?

[MAV]
Uh. I'm gonna hit the head.

Fine, whatever!

Ya know, I've been thinking,

1 get why you got so
upset earlier today.

Really?

Yeah. Uh, never really
thought of it, but, uh,

I'm sorry you had to go through
all that shit with Mom.

Well I... Heh.
l appreciate that, Mav.

Deal me in, fellas.

How 'bout a beer while I wait
for Jake Fillmore, or something?

Hey, it moves!

Must be a lefty, huh?

This guy gets it.

[TALLY]
Thank you.

What is that?

Three?

Like three dollars?

Not even gonna say that, huh?

I swear to God, I'm leaving
a scathing Yelp review.

Dammit.

[TALLY] Hey! What did I
tell you about playin'

pok... er...!

[SCUZZ] You wanna back
away from the table?!

Yeah!

We're in the middle
of a hand, son!

[TALLY]
Whoa! Oh my God! Oh my God!

I'm so sorry!

Thank you for your
service, gentlemen.

Buy you a beer later. Yeah?

[sighs]

Got you a beer.

Wow. Thank you!

You know those guys
your brother's playing?

[TALLY]
Mm-hm.

They can be pretty rough.

I hope he knows what he's doing.

Well, l assure you he doesn't.

You have a nice chin.

I wouldn't mind
having sex with you.

[TALLY]
Wow, you're a--

Hot as shit. I know.

[TALLY laughs]

Yeah, a, well...

I was gonna say "forward" but...

Are you a virgin or something?

No! [laughs]

No.

Bull! He cheated!

[MAV]
That's bullshit and you know it.

It ain't my fault
you can't hold on

to your hand in a flush.

I've been playing cards
for 30 years--

nobody gets that kinda draw
on the first damn hand.

All right, all right, just calm
your titties, Denzel, okay?

Ow, ow, shit!
You're strong... you're strong!

Are you gonna help him out?

Do I have to?

[SOFIA]
Uh-huh.

[TALLY]
Hey! Guys, hey, uh...!

Uh... What if we, uh,
take a breather?

[TALLY whimpering]

Okay. Hey, hey, hey,
hey, before we start

the rhinoplasty--maybe
we could just--

Why don't we add his
nose to the pot?

No! No, no, no, no.

Enough!

[MAYV groaning]

[JAKE] Where do you shaved-tail
sons of bitches get off

makin' trouble in my bar?!

[TALLY whimpers]
Ahh, listen!

Uhh, pirate king, Sir, uh,

th-that's my brother, and our...
our dead dad sent us here.

You know what, long story.

Um. If you would just have
Edward Scissorhand

kindly remove this
from my septum,

we-we'll just get
the hell outta here.

You Colt Montana's boys?

Yeah!

Nope.

No. No.

Uh. Yeah...

[TALLY]
Mmm... Yes?

Why didn't you say so?
All right, boys.

Been expectin' ya.
Jake Fillmore.

[TALLY]
Nice to meet you, Jake! Tally.

Mav.

Yeah. All right.

Let me punch him, Jake.
Just once.

[sighs] We'll see.
Let's get a beer.

Here you go, Scuzz.

Nope.

So when your dad and I got
discharged from the army,

I set up shop here.

And he, Mister Big Stuff,

was the house band, right there.

[MAV, TALLY]
Oh, yeah?

[TALLY] I didn't know there
was a stage back there.

Yeah, real stage we lost
to the infestation.

Oh shit, termites?

Bobcats.

And you know this place

used to rock real
good sometimes.

Not so much anymore, though.

Bank might close
us down. Whatever.

Well maybe if you wouldn't
give your beer away

you wouldn't have
that problem.

[JAKE] Those guys are
Vet buddies of mine.

Some have only got
the shirts on their backs

and those are borrowed.

[MAV]
Seems messed up.

It's hard luck for boys
who just signed up

to serve their country.

[TALLY] Yeah, ya know,
I think some people enlist

just to run away
from family problems.

Um, you said somethin'
'bout a tape

hanging around here
or somethin?

Uhh, yeah.

[JAKE]
I haven't got a player,

but, uh, we can just
close up early,

go to my place,
have a barbecue.

You boys can watch it there.

You know what,

we've got DVDs in
the hotel room--

We'd love to.

Well, all right then.

Okay.

[music playing]

[people chattering]

So. How 'bout them Padres?

[JAKE]
Hey everybody, uh,

gather 'round for a minute.

First of all, uh,
thanks for comin'.

Short notice and everything.

As soldiers, we know
better than most

that knife's edge between
here and hereafter.

Today we met Talladega
and Maverick Montana.

Their brother Colt Jr.'s
one of those soldiers

we'll see on the otherside.

I wanna say a little prayer.

Dear Lord,

we wanna take a moment
to honor Colt Jr.

and the brothers and sisters
that we've lost.

Please help keep us strong,

for we are soldiers,
proud and true,

no matter what cards
we're dealt.

[sCUZZ]
And speaking of cards, Lord,

try and forgive
that one there...

...for cheating me at cards!

Oh, please, Lord...
it was so obvious.

Uhm! Amen!

[ALL]
Amen!

Uh. One other thing.

This is, um, Colt Jr.'s
interment flag.

Your Daddy made me promise

to get it to you guys
safe and sound.

Thank you.

Now let's eat some beef!
Come on!

[ALL cheer]

Okay.

All right, boys, listen to me,

your next stop...

...Turkey Track Road.

I know you're probably
kickin' yourselves

now that you've heard it,

maybe even already
figured it out.

But I have figured that
there is no better place

for you two to end
this journey, all right?

That's it, your Dad,
CM, over and out.

[door opens]

[TALLY]
Whoa!

I'm so sorry!
Did you need to use...?

Mmm!

Did you need to use
the bathroom?

--No thank you.
--[TALLY] Okay.

[TALLY]
Um, look, uh...

I-1 just split up
with my wife so...

you know.

[SOFIA] Listen, I grew up
in a military base.

And with my friends,

any goodbye could be
the last goodbye.

Some point, I learned that

life is too short
to be wasting time.

So why don't you ask yourself:

Is she really worth
wasting time for?

[TALLY] Mmm. Yeah,
look, here's the thing,

I haven't had, uh,
sex in along time, so...

Th-- Um. This isn't
gonna last very long.

All right. I'll race you.

[MAV]
Well, hey there...

[sighs]

[TALLY laughing]

Hey, gettin' some ice, huh?

"Gettin' some ice, huh?"

What?

[MAV]
Nothing. See ya outside, 'kay?

Fine. Ha!

[chattering laughing]

You got the map, let's go.

[TALLY] What're you talking
about, man? I just got my beer.

Stay awhile.

There. Better?

Mav!

Look, guys, excuse me. He's...

Hey, what's your problem?

My problem? You've had
a fire up your ass

this entire trip. Now suddenly
1 try to move things along

and I'm the asshole?!
Get on the bike.

Hey guys, uh,
we're gonna take off.

Thank you so much
for everything, Jake.

[JAKE]
Be safe!

[TALLY]
Hey, what about my helmet?

What about my helmet?!

[TALLY sighs] Man, I could've
been hit in the head

with a rock, man, let me...
ride without a damn helmet!

[TALLY]
Closed for the season, huh?

I don't recognize any
of this, by the way.

Do you?

Mav!

Mav, wait a second, man!

[TALLY]
Mav! Dang it. Mav!

Mav! Mav, dude, w--!

[MAV] Just don't
touch me, all right?!

[TALLY]
What? What is your problem?

[MAV]
You're a dick, d'you know that?!

I saw you at the barbecue
with Sofia!

So?

So?! Asshole!

You're married to
my ex, Jennifer,

or-or did you just
forget that, huh?

Oh, I'm-- God, I'm so sorry,
1 didn't realize you were still

butt hurt over your
high school crush!

Really?

Brotherhood means nothin'
to you, does it?

What're you talkin' about?!

Tally, they put that flag
on Colt Jr.'s casket.

You don't even give
a shit, do you?

[TALLY]
Colt Jr... No, I don't!

You know why?

'Cause l am so sick of
everybody talkin' about

what kind of hero
that guy was!

If he's such a hero,
why did he walk out on us

just like our drunk-ass father?!

--[MAV yells]
--[TALLY] Ah!

[MAV]
I'm sorry, I-I--

[MAV]
No! No, no, no, no!

[MAV]
No...

[TALLY]
Mav.

Just get away from it, okay?!

[TALLY]
All right.

Me and Jen are
getting a divorce.

What?

Walked in on her gettin' nailed
by her fitness instructor.

Shit, dude...

That's rough.

She canceled the
credit cards, didn't she?

Yep.

I'm a bigger screw-up than
you by a long shot, buddy.

[MAV] Heh. Naw, one
little pesky divorce

doesn't even get you within
striking distance of me, man.

Not just the divorce, Mav.

The reason I've been rushing
this whole time is, ah...

I'm in trouble... with the SEC.

Football Conference?

No, no. It's money
stuff. It's, uh...

1 did some dishonest things
to impress my mother-in-law.

CliffsNotes are: I pay 250
thousand dollars in two days...

...orl goto jail.

Oh. Sh...

That's really messed up.

Yeah.

It's cold tonight!

Tell you this--

what's a night around a camp
fire without a little brandy?

Hey! Where'd you get that?

Ah, Jake gave it to me.
Back at his house.

He said, uh, he and Dad used to
drink it way back in the day.

Hulls.

Yeah.

Ginger Brandy.

[MAYV clears throat]

--Good?
--Not bad!

[coughing]

Pussy.

Ha. Yeah, whatever, dude.

Hey, Tally, can I
ask you somethin'?

Sure.

Why do you hate Dad so much?

How can you not?

Y'know, I never understood how
you forgave him so easily.

I forgive him, man--all right,

s0, 50 he drank too much,

he wasn't home. I get it.

But... It's not like he
beat us or anything, man.

He was a flawed man for sure,
I-1 totally get that.

[sighs] All right. Dad,
1 guess I can understand,

but Colt Jr.?

He left us, Mav.

He didn't have to go back
for a second tour.

We needed him after Mom died,
and he left. Just like Dad.

It-It's not like he
joined the circus;

he did somethin'
noble with his life,

he joined the service, it's--

You still don't get it.

No, you're right,
I don't get it!

--Please help me understand!
--He died!

Okay?! He died!

He never came back!

And I hate him for it.

I mean, he was the one
constant in our lives.

That was our big brother, man!

The protector.

And he took off!

Before he left, I...

I never got the chance
to tell him...

...that I loved him. Ya know?

Yeah.

[MAV] Are you sure he didn't
give us a landmark,

or coordinates or anything?

I mean, we are literally
in the middle of nowhere.

No! He just said we'd
be kicking ourselves

for not recognizing it.

[MAV]
Yup.

[TALLY]
We need that stupid-ass chuckle.

[MAY laughs]
Yeah, you remember that chuckle?

[TALLY]
Yeah. I know where we are!

[MAV]
You do?

[TALLY] Remember, I got
that scar on my left leg

Colt Jr., he... pushed me
off the front porch.

[MAV]
Heh! Oh, yeah.

[MAV]
Whew.

[TALLY]
Heh.

[MAV]
Safe. Safe. Safe...

Found it!

[MAV]
Heh!

[TALLY]
Huh.

Hello, boys!

Ward!

What--?

What are you, uh...

...doin" here?

Yeah?

I'm here to collect
what's rightfully mine!

[TALLY]
Jeez!

Oh, shi...! Just put
the gun down, all right?

You remember? We
grew up together!

Ah. We're family!

Bollocks! You boys are family.

I'm nothin' but
the loyal servant

who got shafted from the will!

All right.

What, hey-- What--
D-Did you... track us here?

[WARD laughs]
Tallywacker, GPS tracker!

All the years I looked
after your old man,

made 'im a star,

held his head when
your mum died,

arranged his hookers
after she was gone!

All the while,
hating country music!

Hmm, and what do I get from it?

Me? Nothing! Bloody nothing!

Okay, hey!

Money?

Yeah!

[TALLY]
Is that what this is about?

Yeah!

Take it. We don't need it.

Wh-Wh-What do you mean
we don't need it?

I need the money! I can't--

We don't need it.
It's just money.

[WARD]
He's right! It's just money.

And it's mine!
Now open the safe!

What happens if we didn't?

I'll... shoot you both,

cut your hands off,

and open the safe myself.

You know, the thing is,
1 don't think you would.

I mean, come on, we grew
up together, you know--

[MAV]
Oh, shit!

He shot you! He shot you!

You shot me! You shot me!

[MAV] Ya know what?
He told you he would!

I didn't think he would
actually do it!

Well, he did it!

You want another one? Hmm?

Honestly, Ward, no!

I would be bummed
if you shot me again!

Then open the safe!

[MAV] Okay, okay. Just...
Come on, come on, Tally.

You're an idiot, Ward.

Get up!

[MAV]
Just get up and open the safe!

[TALLY]
Ah!

[MAV] J-Just... Okay. All right.
All right, just, c'mon, c'mon.

Okay. All right.
We're-We're doin' it!

[WARD]
Thumbs up! Yep!

What the bleedin' hell?

Where's the money?!

We don't know!

[MAV] There was supposed
to be money in there, I-1...

[TALLY] The DV--you have
to play that DVD!

You play the DVD!

You shot me!

You play the DVD.

[MAV]
Okay... all right...

Okay, all right.

It's good. Okay...

Well, boys, you made it.

Now this place was very, very
special to your mom and I.

But, quite honestly,
after she died,

the memories were
just too painful.

But you can make your own
memories, right here.

You can do that. And I want
you to remember this, boys--

every day you live is like
another grain of sand

falling through that hourglass.

[WARD]
That's it?

Where's the money?!

Y-You heard the same
thing we did, okay?!

There's no money!

[TALLY] Yeah! Ward,
we don't know, that's it!

What a pisser!

[MAV]
Oh. God, okay, okay. Okay.

You calmed?

Yeah...

Now let's get my ass to
the hospital because...

...I'm losin' a lot
of blood over here, okay?

Okay...

[COLT] Aw, hell, I'm just
screwin' with ya!

There's a false back on the
safe. Just hit the bottom,

the sucker'll pop right open!

Now look, I have done what I
could do for those in need,

lam a philanthropist of sorts,

so we're not talkin' about
a huge fortune here.

The way I figure it,

between this money
and my music catalogue,

this'll start you boys
out on your fortune.

Okay? This's your Dad.

See you on the B side.

Now check it!

[MAV]
Okay, okay!

Dad, come on, don't let
there be money in the back.

And, of course,

--there's money in the back.
--Oh, shit.

[WARD] Yeah, looks like
Ido have a reason

to kill both of you.

[gun clicks]

Okay!

You always were a wanker...

--[TALLY] No!
--[gunshots]

--[MAV] Tally! What did you do?!
--[WARD wailing]

Wait a minute. No, no! I'm good.

My family jewels!

[JAKE]
Damn eye patch!

Jake!

I was aimin' for his knees!

[WARD whimpering]

He went down like a stag!

[TALLY] How'd you, uh...
How'd you find us?

Oh! I had one more message
from your old man.

After you found the cabin,

1 figured you boys
might get lost. And...

Heard the shootin'
and I thought:

Good God, maybe they've gone
to killin' each other!

[WARD cries]

Play it, yeah.

--Shut up! Stop whinin'.
--[thuds]

[WARD]
ow! Ow... Ow...

All right, no jokes this time.

I know our family's
been a little,

well... dysfunctional.

But what family isn't?

By now you know the cabin
and what money I had left

is yours to split between you.

But what you may not know

is I didn't just rebuild
Elmer's ranch for him--

I bought it.

He's been my business
partner ever since.

It's my hope that you boys
will continue on with it.

But hell, you're grown men,

you can do whatever
the hell you like.

[sighs] I'm real proud
of you boys.

Truth is, I always have been,

I just didn't know
how to show it.

All the money and fame in
the world is not worth a dime

if you don't have people
to love and share it with.

Sol leave you with
this one last thought.

It's very simple, just like me.

love you boys...

1 always have
and I always will.

You might not realize it now,

but you are gonna miss
me when I'm gone...

Now go on out there,

give me a proper Irish funeral.

Everybody gets shit-faced!

This is CM, over and out.

[TALLY laughs]

>

[MAV]
To Dad, Mom, Colt Jr.

and every single person

that can't be here
with us right now.

Here, here!

[ALL]
Here, here!

Ahh!

Shit...

Jake, one more thing!

What's this?

That is our inheritance.

Three hundred and seventy-five
thousand dollars, cash.

[MAV]
It's for the bank note.

You guys should all have
a place you can call home.

That's right.

1 don't know what to say...

Eh... Comp us a couple
beers, we'll call it even.

All right, well enough
of this mopey crap, boys.

Let's have a party, huh?

[ALL cheer]

[sCUZZ]
You deserve it, Boss.

[JAKE]
You, too.

1 got you, buddy! Next game?

[sCUZZ]
I won't punch you!

[MAV]
I got you.

[TALLY]
Punch him. Somebody needs to.

Okay. I'll be
over therein asec.

Funny seeing you here...

1 didn't think you'd
actually show up.

You sold me a brand new
Harley for 500 bucks!

[MAV]
Yeah...

1 thought you might
be dumb enough

to buy it back full retail.

[MAY laughs]

Can I buy you a drink?

Yeah. Or you could, uh,

take me for aride
on your Harley...

Is that a metaphor
for something or...?

Guess we'll find out...

[MAV chuckles]

[inaudible]

[SOFIA]
So...

Yeah?

What about the restitution?

Well, hey.

With a little good behavior,

I'll be out in six
to twelve months.

Mmm, good thing they
allow conjugal visits.

Yeah.

>

[MAV whistling]

You're close, come on!

[sCUZZ]
I never could whistle.

Hey, bro, i-i-it's fine!

Uh... You know
what you're doing,

you're makin' a slit,
round your lips

and get a little moisture
on 'em and... [whistles]

You know, I used to play a
Jew's Harp when I was a kid.

Yeah, exactly, it's a really
difficult instrument--

this is totally different!

So? l wasn't no
good at that either!

All right, well, uh,
you know what?

You guys just take a five.
I'm gonna go and get some ice.

When I come back,

I wanna hear some music
outta you, Green Mile.

--How do you... How do you...?
--[MAN whistles]

[COLT] You're lookin'
for Jake Fillmore.

Talk at ya later.

Shit!

[CREW laughing]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

[RICHIE]
I'm your hammer! I'm your...

[RICHIE] That's it!
I'm your hammer!

And three! Two!

Done!

So you really think I got what
it takes to be a pop singer?

Oh, mate, with
muscles like these,

you're gonna be a star!

[BOTH] Ripped and tone,
like Richie Stone!

Woo, I can see my
name in lights!

I see much more
than that, mate!

[BOTH laugh]