Your Highness (2011) - full transcript

MALE NARRATOR:
Prepare thyself
for one twisted tale.

Through the chapters of time,
legends have been told

of brave knights,
evil warlocks,

beautiful maidens,
magical prophecies,

and other serious shit.

(SCREAMING)

Be not afraid.

This is your destiny.

You will bear my seed,

giving birth
to a new beast,

a new age.



An age where
I will command
mankind in fear!

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

KNIGHT: To arms!

(YELLS)

At ease, Maiden.

When the light of
the world flickers,

we, the Golden Order
of Knights,

restore the rule
of good.

You're safe now.

Then let us pray

that 100 years from now
when these two moons
meet again,

there will be a hero
as brave as you, my lord.

A hero as brave.



Oh, fuck me.

DWARF EXECUTIONER:
Prince Thadeous of Mourne,

you are hereby
sentenced to death
by hanging

for your
illicit behavior

with the noble Dwarf King's
second wife Regina.

DWARF KING:
You're a disgrace
to any kingdom!

I say hang the bastard.

Get on with it!
(DWARVES AGREEING)

And your minstrel,
Courtney,

is to be tarred
and feathered

for unlawful association
with a deviant.

Children, I'm allergic,
please. Let's not.

Please! These allegations,
they're being
greatly exaggerated.

It was more or less
just heavy petting

with a brief moment
of penetration.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Disgusting!

He deserves to die!
Kill him!
Hang the bastard!

THADEOUS: Hey! Easy!
That's not nice.
(DWARVES SHOUTING)

You, bloodthirsty
little fucker!

Show me some respect,
I'm a prince!

To the bowels of hell!

Good night, Prince.

Oh, dear gods.

(SILENCE)

(ALL GASP)
(EXHALES)

(COUGHING)

Your Highness,
what are you doing?

I'm escaping, Courtney!

Quit playing
with those children
and help me!

Kill him!

Get him! After him!

COURTNEY:
Your Highness,
wait for me!

THADEOUS:
Why are they upset?

All dwarf queens
are unfaithful.

Hurry, Courtney,
back to the kingdom!

COURTNEY: Forgive us
with your tiny hearts!

THADEOUS:
Faster sheepies,
faster!

COURTNEY: Please wait, sir!

THADEOUS: Courtney,
you've proven yourself
useless yet again.

COURTNEY: Who's that?

THADEOUS:
We're safe
and we're stoned.

COURTNEY:
Ganja!

THADEOUS:
They're gaining on us.

COURTNEY: Oh, the dragon!

Those Highland Dwarves
have got weapons!

Coming through.

(LAUGHS)
Boobies!

(SCREAMS)

Watch out, Courtney!

(EXCLAIMS)

I'm telling father
we should go

to war with these
double-crossers.

(CLUCKING)

(EXCLAIMS)
Poultry!

Livestock!
Courtney, this is no
time to be napping.

I'm a chicken.

Let's get back...
Oh, look!

Mmm.
A little feast to
break up this pursuit.

Dangerous,
yet delicious.

COURTNEY: I'm jumping
out this window.

(EXCLAIMS)

He's angry!

Courtney,
break my fall
with your body.

COURTNEY: Ow!
Please don't
hurt my bottom!

Run, Courtney!
Pick up the pace!

Why do people
so little run so fast?

(YELLING)

(WOMEN YELLING)

(GASPS)

That was close.

Courtney,
I've had enough
of this nonsense!

Crack-a-lacka,
you little varmint.

COURTNEY:
They're devils, sir!
They're devils!

DWARF: Get him!
COURTNEY: They're muscular.

THADEOUS: Get off me!
COURTNEY: That's it, sir!

Your Highness!

TALLIOUS: Please tell me
that you completed
your simple task

and secured the treaty
signed by the Lord
of the Dwarf Village.

Father, they sent
a beautiful woman

to distract me and
I was defenseless.

Don't bandy words
with me, Thadeous.

Your brother is to return
from his quest at any moment.

Please go
and bathe yourself.

Why must I bathe
just because Fabious...

Because you smell
like the underside
of a sheep's scrotum.

God, if your mother
could see you now.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

(CLAMORING)
(BELL TOLLING)

Oh, dear gods.

It is with
blossoming personal joy

that I announce
the return of the mighty,

the magnificent,
the merciful,

Prince Fabious!

(ALL CHEERING)

(FANFARE PLAYING)

WOMAN 1: Hey,
Prince Fabious,
we adore you!

MAN 1: Welcome home,
Prince Fabious.

WOMAN 1: You're my king,
Prince Fabious.

Welcome home!
You are adored.

MAN 2:
It's Prince Fabious!

WOMAN 2: Prince Fabious,
I'm here for you now.

Brother!

Oh, my god,
I missed you so.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
Great to see you.

Father.

My son.

Welcome home.

FABIOUS: As you all know,

the evil wizard Leezar
has plagued our kingdom

with his foul creatures
and wicked ways for years.

But with my brave
trusted knights

and my dear Simon.

(SQUAWKING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Join us,
my mechanical friend.

We have dispatched
the latest of these
cold blooded enemies.

Behold!

The head of
Leezar's mighty Cyclops!

(ALL CHEERING)

MAN: Fuck, yeah!

ALL: (CHANTING)
Fabious! Fabious! Fabious!

(CHANTING STOPS)

Once again, Prince Fabious
has made me as proud as
a father could ever be.

All the land
owes him gratitude.

(SQUAWKING)

This is not
the only good news

that I've brought
home with me today.

Father, Brother,
kingdom...

(CROWD MURMURING)

TALLIOUS:
She is radiant!

FABIOUS: I'd like you
to meet my bride-to-be.

Belladonna.

(ALL CHEERING)

TALLIOUS:
Belladonna, my dear,

why don't you delight us
with your story.

BELLADONNA: Oh, no.
It's a story of strife
and sadness.

FABIOUS: No, no, it's not.
It's a story of love.

THADEOUS: You don't
have to tell it.
FABIOUS: Shh.

If she doesn't
want to tell it.

FABIOUS: She will tell.
This is a table full
of your loved ones.

BELLADONNA: Oh. Okay.

I've been held captive
by Leezar

in the Tower of Disorder
since I was but a child.

Never knowing love
nor human contact.

(EXHALES)
But I never
gave up hope.

Singing every day,
praying that someday
my hero would find me.

And I did.

We had just
slaughtered the Cyclops.

(ALL CHUCKLING)
We were on our way home,
and on the wind

I heard the most
beautiful song.

(GIGGLES)

Fascinating, really.
May we take pause
for one moment.

Yes, sir.

Look at Courtney's
new haircut.

Doesn't it make his head
look like the tip
of a penis?

(LAUGHING)
It's hilarious.

Thadeous, please. Enough.

My heart's desire,
what is this?

No. That's a...
We call that a fork,

and you use that
for your food.

Right there.
Fucking idiot.

(LAUGHING)

FABIOUS:
Having spent years
in the tower

has made her ignorant
to some of our customs
and things in general.

TALLIOUS:
Why, yes, of course.

If your mother
were here today,

she would be a very
proud woman, Fabious.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

FABIOUS:
Thank you, Father.

Which is why
I ask your permission
to marry her at once.

The glory of romance!

I call upon my criers
to proclaim

that tomorrow we'll
see the greatest wedding
this kingdom has ever known.

And tonight,
we celebrate!

(ALL CHEERING)

(DOGS BARKING)

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't like this.

Courtney, will you
make funny faces
to entertain me?

(LAUGHING)

No.

Never triangle face.
I hate triangle face.
It scares me.

Apologies.

Ah.

Good evening,
Your Royal Highness.

COURTNEY: Julie.

Hello, fucking Julie.

What a wonderful,
wonderful evening, sire.

Yet another
glorious achievement

in the whole firmament
of starring moments
for your brother Fabious.

(LAUGHS)
We shall remember it
for the rest of our lives.

Isn't that amazing
how he can talk

and suck my cock at
the same exact time?

Yes, it is.
Incredible.
(LAUGHING)

Oh, clean yourself up.

Should have closed
your eyes, Julie.

I know your vulgarity
masks your pain.

No, it doesn't.

I was trying to remember
the last time we had

one of these wonderful
evenings for you, sir.

Surely there
must have been one

somewhere in the history
of this kingdom,
of your illustrious life.

There must've
been some moment

that we can
all remember.

And I'm trying
to think now

and there's nothing.

Courtney, I think
I've had enough
of this foul party.

Yes, sir.

(JULIE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

THADEOUS: Stupid Julie,
I'll show him.

I am Thadeous,

the greatest
sword fighting man
to ever live.

I will murder anyone
whoever tries
to insult me

or challenge me.
(SQUAWKING)

Some balls you have, Simon,
showing yourself to me.

(CHITTERING)

No matter what you say,
we'll never be friends

because I hate
mechanical inventions

and you know this.

(CHITTERING)

Wipe that smile
off your face.

Hey, Simon.

You should swing
from your hips, Brother.
You'll get more leverage.

Here, let me show you.

Oh, god.

Put your hands there,
yeah,

and swing.

Gods, get off of me.
I know how
to use a sword.

Do you?
Yes.

We'll see about that.

Okay, enough.
I don't want to do
swords with you.

I'm doing it by myself.

Defend yourself,
Brother!

Stop it.
There you go.

Stop.

Defend yourself!

(FABIOUS EXCLAIMING)
Stop it.

Oh, shit!

You just nicked
my knuckles!

Oh, you'll be all right.
It's not as if I cut
your head off or anything.

Why would you bring
that disgusting thing here?

It's getting juices
in our water supply.

It's a souvenir
of my kill.

I always take one
from a foe that's
tasted the cold,

unrelenting steel
of my blade.

Souvenir of your kill?

That sounds like
a rather stupid,
bloodthirsty tradition.

What's your problem?

Why are you
such a sourpuss?

I'm not being a sourpuss.
I just didn't wanna be
at that celebrations.

All I want is for you
to be a part
of this moment.

I want you to be gay
with me and father.

I don't want to be gay
with you two.

(SIGHS)

I'd rather just stay
in here

with my blade
and fuck things up.

Why would you say that?

Because, Fabious,
it's true.

(GRUNTING)

I'm sick and tired
of everyone sucking up
on your tits

because you are
to become king.

All the while, no one gives
two turtle shits about me.

But Thaddy,
first borns like me,
we become king.

Second borns, you can be
whatever you want to be.

I want to be king.

Maybe we can both
be king.

No, I want to be
king by myself.

Well, cheer up,
Brother.

I have something else
that you can be.

What?

Best man
at my wedding.

I can think
of no one else
I'd want by my side

as I sing
my vow passionately
into her eyes.

Sounds tedious
and boring.

If I'm not mistaken,
it is a tradition

that the best man gets
to lay with the bridesmaids.
Plural.

Really?
I've never heard
of this tradition.

You have a fucking deal.

Oh, you're gonna
be so handsome!

Who's gonna be
the most handsome
best man?

Probably me.

Who's the prince
with the most
dashing moustache?

Me.

Who gives
the warmest hugs?

Me, of course.

I love you, Thadeous.

Okay, that's cool.

MALE ANNOUNCER: All gather
for the royal wedding!

(ALL CHATTERING)

Hello there, best man.

Best man?

If he wanted a best man,
he should have chosen me.

How many quests
have I been on
with Fabious?

Countless.
Mmm.

I gave my hand
to save his life
on the battlefield.

And yet
he chooses Thadeous
as his best man.

That sorry sack of shit.

Such a poor excuse
for a prince.

He's nothing more
than a self-entitled,
rotten child!

MANIOUS: Idiot.

TALLIOUS:
Enough, enough.

(SIGHS)

If Thadeous wishes
to play forgetful

on his brother's day
of days,

then wait we shall not.

I can't get married
without my brother.
He's my best man.

His time has passed.
Pick another best man.

No.

Julie, you be best man.
Here you are.

Godsdammit.

Your Highness,

the wedding has started.

(BLOWING)
(COUGHING)

I do not care.

I'd rather be with
this fine gentleman.

I'll hide with my true friend

and let the whole
entire wedding wonder
where I am.

(SINGING)
This is the day that
I've been waiting for

Sand in the kingdom

Our love is born

Flowing from the ocean
to the moons

Your heart now I hold

(SINGING OFF-KEY)
You have a beauty
I can't ignore

Bastion of all I do adore

BOTH: Giving this moment

Our love that's true

Our hearts now are one

(LEEZAR APPLAUDING)

LEEZAR: Bravo!
(ALL MURMURING)

Bravo!

Bravo!

Reveal yourself, stranger.
Are you lost?

A thousand pardons.
I mean not to intrude on
such a joyous occasion.

However, today I just
could not help myself.

Leezar!
(GASPS)

You're not
welcome here, devil!

(BLOWS)

If you come in peace,
say so,

otherwise prepare
to meet your doom.

LEEZAR: Oh, brave Fabious.

You murdered my Cyclops.
But I have other perils
in store for you.

Ones that are beyond
the bounds of
your imagination.

One, in particular,

involving an ancient
prophecy destined

to be fulfilled by
a powerful warlock,

me.

And, of course,
a very beautiful virgin
that looks just like

(GASPS)

her.
(CROWD GASPS IN HORROR)

I was keeping that one
for something very special.

And I dare say
it was rude of you
to steal her from me.

Now I'm here
to get her back.

And just how
do you plan
on doing that?

Magic,

(CRACKING NECK)

motherfucker.

TALLIOUS:
Not a moment more.

Knights, to arms!
Take him!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Do you honestly think
your band of worms
can stop me?

(GRUNTS)

Arise therefore,
my mothers!

(GRUNTS)

Watch out!

(YELLING)

Come with me.

Leezar!

(GRUNTING)

I shall not go back
to that dreadful tower!

Look into my eyes!

You will learn
to love me!
Do you understand?

(GROANING)

FABIOUS: Come on.

(LAUGHING)

Impossible.

(SHRIEKS)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Farewell,
Kingdom of Mourne.

As always,
it has been my pleasure.

(EXCLAIMING)

(SCREAMS)

(PANTING)

COURTNEY: I thought
it was from riding sheep,

but it turns out just
to be an ear infection.

(LAUGHING)

You fucker!

Good times.

No one get up.
I'm very tired.

I'm going straight
to my bed chambers.

Brother,
thank god you're alive.

When you didn't show up
for the wedding,
I feared the worst.

Why are you crying?

Leezar has taken my love.

What?
Yes.

So, your brother is
about to embark on
yet another quest.

This time to
rescue Belladonna

and rid the land of
that loathsome wretch

once and for all.

Wow, how noble of him.

Well, it was nice to see you,
as short as the visit was.

It is finally time
for you to become a man.

You must journey
with your brother
to rescue his bride.

THADEOUS: Father,
you can't be serious.

If you want me to
go on to a quest,

then let's start
with something easy,

like boiling a chicken
or beating off in front
of a Pegasus.

Elementary things.

Look around you at the harm
that has befallen this castle!

This quest is
your last chance

to prove to me
and the kingdom

that you are a man worthy
to bear the family crest,

and to show
that at your core,
you are not rotten,

but you are brave,
and honorable, and noble.

All the qualities
expected of a prince.

The choice is yours.

Either journey
with your brother
and the Knights Elite,

or you can face banishment
from the kingdom.

Shit.

(HORSES NEIGHING)

(SIMON SCREECHING)

You see, Courtney,

I alone understand how
to properly prepare
for a quest.

Masculine garments,
proper, good collie
to smoke upon.

How is Steven doing?

He looks like
he's stoned, sir.

Fabious has Simon,

and now I have Steven,
a far superior
creature companion.

Wouldn't you agree?

He will fare
very well, indeed,
I'm sure, Your Highness.

I do hope this adventure
is not too stressful
or boring.

Either way I intend to
get properly fucked up
if no one disagrees.

Belladonna, wake up.
Wake up.

Who is that?
Where am I?

'Tis I, Fabious.
Your love.

(GASPS)

Fabious?

You're still
in Leezar's lair.

But fear not,
I'm here to rescue you.

Fabious,
it's really you.

I knew you'd come
to find me.

(LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY)

I can't do this.
I can't do it.
It's so mean.

You should've seen
the look on your face.
It's me!

You're still a prisoner.

I've seen
a beautiful world
beyond this prison,

and I count the hours
till I escape.

I wouldn't be
so sure of that.

Lookie there.
The twin moons
drawing slowly together.

Time moving them closer.

Just as time moves you
and I closer together.

And when
the two moons unite,
so shall we.

Perhaps, keeping you
in this tower has
left you ignorant.

You're so easily deceived.

For example, I have heard
that your Prince Fabious

has made
his bed recklessly
with many maidens.

And I heard that he has fungi
on his genitalia as a result.

Also, he organizes orgies

with wenches and
barbarians alike

and he takes sperm on him
and gives it to women freely.

Spilling his seed
willy-nilly

as he makes his way
through that orgy.

I don't believe you.

He is not
the dashing young man
you believe him to be.

So

these are
the harsh realities
of the outside world.

Welcome home.

SOLDIER: Halt! Steady.

Oh.

Sorry to disturb
you two love birds

but we've arrived
at the home
of the Wize Wizard.

Who the hell is
the Wize Wizard?

He's an ancient seer
who helps many

on their quest
with added insight.

Great.
Well, let me know
how it goes.

Leave him in
his carriage, Fabious.

You and I
will seek counsel
with the Wize Wizard.

No.

Come, Brother.
This is the first stop
on your first quest.

We shall go together.

(ARMOR SQUEAKING)

(GRUNTING)

Brother,

you look ravishing
in that armor,

but I don't think
you'll need it.

The Wize Wizard
is a peaceful,
little old man.

I'm wearing it.
You're just being jealous.

Shit!

Thadeous!

Fuck.

Hello? Anyone home?

THADEOUS: Looks as if
someone is cultivating
glorious herbs in here.

FABIOUS: Hey, Wize Wizard,
is that you over there?

WIZE WIZARD:
Who dares enter my den?

It is I, Prince Fabious
and my brother,
Prince Thadeous.

We come
to seek counsel.

Come, come.
Give me kisses.

(MOANING)

Kiss him.

Fuck, no.

Pretty please.

Kiss it on the mouth.

For the quest.

I do it
every time I come.

Hello.
Nice to meet you.

(MOANING)

Oh, god.

Sit, sit.

Sit.

Fabious has
been coming here
since he was a boy.

You did this when
you were a child.

FABIOUS: Yes!

We had great times,
didn't we?

Yes, yes, we did.

(WIZE WIZARD CHUCKLES)

You would kiss him?

WIZE WIZARD: Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, sometimes we
would do other things.

Like what?

When I was younger,
we'd take our shirts off
and jump on the bed.

Playful secrets.

Don't tell father.

WIZE WIZARD: Hmm.

Breathe deeply
of these herbs

and share a vision
with me.

FABIOUS: Of course.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLING)

Yes. Allow me
to puff as well.

WIZE WIZARD: Hmm.

(SIGHS)

(WHISTLES)
Those are
some powerful herbs.

Giving me dark visions.

Shall we pack
this again?

I'm not getting visions.
I'm not sure if
it's working, Wizard.

(GROANING)

Visions. Visions.

Thadeous,
are you seeing
what I'm seeing?

You making
a fool yourself.

Handle your shit,
Fabious, please.

No, I can't.

Please, interpret
these visions, Wizard.

Prophecies foretell
of an evil wizard

laying his seed
inside a virgin

under the eclipse
of the two moons.

What? What evil
prophecy is this?

The child
she would spawn

is said to be
a dragon most powerful.

Ew. Leezar wants to make love
to Belladonna to
create a dragon?

That's fucking disgusting.
(FABIOUS GROANS)

FABIOUS: I cannot
let this happen.

When is this eclipse?

In five nights' time,

but you will need
an enchanted blade
to do this warlock in.

A blade made
of unicorn horn.

Say where I can
find such a sword
and it shall be mine.

It rests in the depths
of the most perilous
hidden labyrinth.

Just beyond
Muldiss Darton.

Muldiss Darton.

Well, what is
Muldiss Darton?

It's a place of legend.

(EXHALES)

FABIOUS: Oh. Powerful magic.

This crooked compass
will catch the light

and point the way to
the labyrinth's location.

Be warned,

they say
the walls of this maze
drive men to madness.

But if you can
find your way,

the blade will be yours.

Thank you,
Wize Wizard.

Not so fast. First you
must answer a riddle.

What journey be
long and twisted
and sensitive at hand?

To what end must man go
to discover the depths
of his ecstasy?

Think hard,
strong warriors.
(CHUCKLES)

Fuck, I know this.

Oh. (CONTINUES CHUCKLING)

FABIOUS: I've got it!

You want us to
twist what is long
with our sensitive hands.

He wants us
to jerk him off.

Just punch the tip
and twist it.

Yes, but we are
not going to do that.

If it's for the quest,
we will do what
needs to be done.

(CHUCKLING)

(MOANING)

Yuck!

Pervert.

Did you get
any information?

Let's just make camp.

Sick. This quest sucks.

It used to be you
that joined him.

Yes.

Don't worry.
All will be well.

Ha!

(CHIRPING)

(GROANING)

Attentions please,
warriors.

I propose a toast.

Let us drink till
thine asses are drunk.

Brother,
we do not celebrate

until we complete
the quest at hand.

It is the code of
the Knights Elite.

What of my code
where we drink like men?

Thadeous,
we have some traditions

of our own out here
on the road.

Manious, prepare
the warrior's tidings,
if you will.

If it is the first night
of your first quest, well...

MANIOUS: Here it comes.

(GRUNTING)

THADEOUS: Disgusting.

Feast upon
the heart of the beast.

No, thank you,
I'm not hungry.

It is a tradition
among men.

Eat it.
Eat it.

BOREMONT: Eat it.
Eat it.

KNIGHTS: (CHANTING)
Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(CHITTERING)

You fuckers!
That's not funny!

You're not supposed
to eat it.

You all were chanting.

Maybe there's
some donkey cock
in your carriage!

Fuck you, Boremont!
Manious, fuck you!

I hate all of you.

Thadeous!

Come back.

Thadeous, come here.

(CHANTING SPELL)

Dark master,

it is I, Julie.

(URINATING)

We have crossed
the hazel meadow,

and are now taking rest
at the Cliffs of Kuneman.

Now that
the Princes of Mourne
have left their stronghold

their vulnerabilities
are in your hands.

My hands.

Bring Prince Fabious
to me alive.

I would like him to witness
as I impregnate his love.

(LAUGHS) Impregnate.

As for Thadeous
and his boy,

toss them from
the Cliffs of Kuneman.
They're useless.

Fart.

Knock, knock.
May I come in?

No, leave me alone.
Get out of here.

Thadeous,
you must calm down.
It's over.

You ate the heart,
you passed the initiation.

Passed?

You made me
look stupid in front
of all your friends.

And don't think
I'm not telling father
because I'm going to.

Thadeous, we were
just having some fun,
and it was perfect.

Now they know you're
not to be fucked with.

Excuse me, sir,
sorry for the intrusion.

I have just witnessed
a most disturbing incident.

FABIOUS: There must be
a misunderstanding.

Julie is my most
trusted confidant.

(LAUGHS)
Julie is an idiot.

No, he's not.
He's a gentleman.

Julie is what,
Your Highness?

I'm not sure, Julie.

Courtney said he saw
some suspicious behavior.

You, I saw you
talking with Leezar.

(LAUGHING)

How dare you watch me
in my private moments.

(CASTING SPELL)

(ALL GROANING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

He's stolen my vision.

FABIOUS:
Get him, Courtney!

Come here!

(GRUNTING)

You old beast.

Courtney,
just restrain him
with all your might.

No, slay him!

Murder him!

Die of me.

What?

(GRUNTING) Don't move,
you're surrounded.

(GASPS)
THADEOUS: Ew!

Julie has no dick!

Ew.

Boremont!

JULIE: Help!

(EXCLAIMING)

Knights!

A turncoat has
been discovered!

Prince Fabious,
what is wrong?

Boremont, seize Julie,

I'm afraid
he's betrayed us!

That thing is
a dickless traitor!

BOREMONT:
A traitor, you say.
BOTH: Yes.

I saw him seeking counsel
with Leezar.

Counsel? With Leezar?

Well, if what
they say is true,

then, Julie,
I have but one
question for you.

What were
our master's orders?

What?

JULIE: His orders
were simple.

Capture Fabious
and kill the rest.

Boremont,
how could you?

What about the code
of the Knights Elite?

BOREMONT: Code?

Upon your choice
of best man
for your wedding,

your "code"
became clear to me.

You hurt my feelings.

Now I shall hurt yours.

Kill them all!

Look out!

(WOOD CREAKING)

(EXCLAIMS)

To the carriage!

THADEOUS: Your friends tried
to slay us.

Those bastards!
Get in!

(GRUNTING)

After them!

Okay, go!

(URGING HORSES)

We've got company!

Ready yourselves!

These men are fierce!

Oh, gods!

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

(YELLS)

FABIOUS:
Under the cart you go!

Fucking sword!
Stab him!

Stab him!

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

You cut his hair off!

Oh!

Fabious, he's coming!

I know, get up here!

(THADEOUS EXCLAIMS)

Come on!

THADEOUS: Now what?

I have a plan.
We jump on the horses
and ride away.

But the horses,
they're moving.

I know. I know.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, shit!

(EXCLAIMS)

Come on!

What? Want me, as well?

Now!
(SCREAMS)

Face me, you traitor.

(GROANS)

(GROANING)

Look!

COURTNEY: Oh, shit!

(BOTH SHOUTING)

(MANIOUS AND THUNDARIAN
SCREAMING)

We did it!

(GRUNTS)

FABIOUS: Ka-boom!

COURTNEY: (LAUGHING) Yes!

LEEZAR: If I could have
everyone's attention.

I'd like to say
a few words, if I may.

I have prepared
this feast

in honor
and appreciation
of Belladonna.

Seems like it
was only yesterday

that we used sorcery
to burn your village
to the ground,

come in and snatch you.

But I remember
looking at you

all those years ago
and thinking,

"Wow, that's a baby."

"And that's the baby
that someday I will have
to have sex with."

Now, look at me.

A 19-year-old boy,
almost a man,

(LAUGHS)

still a virgin.

To the fuckening!

Yes, to the fuckening!

(SPITS IN DISGUST)
Leezar, what is this rubbish
you have set before us?

It's such
a funny choice
for a feast.

I'm just a little
overwhelmed right now.

Dealing with her and you
and the fucking prophecy.

I mean, we could
all just relax...

JULIE: Master.

What do you want, Julie?

Regrettably,
the Princes of Mourne
have escaped.

You should've killed them
at the wedding when
you had the chance.

Fabious is of
no purpose to us.

Silence!

His purpose is
to destroy you
and your evil ways.

Would you shut up,
or I will love you less.

Are those fish fingers
you're eating?

No more questions!
Now find them!

(URGING HORSES)

Shit!
Fabious, the horses!
They're escaping.

Yes, it's a distraction
to lead them off our trail.

And what are we to do now?
Walk all the way home?

Home? We're not going home.

Just because
the knights betrayed us

does not mean
we give up
on the quest.

Together we can
still accomplish
what needs to be done.

How? We're lost. We have
no food, no garments,
no meat, nothing!

FABIOUS:
We have each other.

The compass points north.

We shall
follow it still.

I will not give up
till Belladonna
is safe in mine arms.

Oh, god.
(SIMON SQUAWKING)

Simon!
Where have you been?

Shit.

What?

I left goddamn Steven
back at camp.

Who's Steven?

He's my loyal
animal companion.

And he means
just as much to me
as Simon means to you.

But I guess I'll
never see him again.

Very well.
I understand that bond.

Let us return to camp,
face the traitors
and rescue Steven.

No, fuck it.
It's over.

But, perhaps,
since my animal companion
is no longer here,

it's only fair
that we get rid
of yours as well.

(CHIRPS SADLY)

No, that would serve
no purpose, Brother.

That would be like
me asking you to
get rid of Courtney

just because Julie
is no longer with us.

I will drown Courtney
in the shallow
fucking pond right now

if that means
fair is fair.

I don't like
that idea, sir.

No, Simon can help us.

Simon,

you must take
this message
to father.

Tell him that
the Knights Elite
betrayed us

and he must send an army
across the valley
to Muldiss Darton

and help us retrieve
the Blade of Unicorn.

Hurry, Simon!

Fly to Mourne
and deliver these
desperate words.

Fly!

(SNIFFING)

Come on, Manious,
you've been sniffing
dirt all morning.

We would not be in
this position, Julie,

if you wouldn't
have gotten caught
communicating with Leezar.

And if you ladies
were proper assassins,

you'd have cut
them down back there
as the Dark Lord commanded.

Manious,
what do you see?

They stepped
towards the sun here.

This blade of grass,
one of them pissed on it.

And then they moved,
very quickly,
mind, towards...

There!

JULIE: That's
Marteetee's land.

What?

JULIE: Our mission may
be completed sooner
than I expected.

(LAUGHS)

If I may be so bold,
Your Highness,

what is the meaning
of that ribbon
that you hold?

This?

It's a gift
from Belladonna.

A symbol
of her virgin purity.

I hold it
and savor it.

You do that instead
of have sex with her?

Belladonna is
unlike any maiden
in the kingdom.

She behaves
without judgment,

defies expectation.

When I first
heard her voice

a tear came to my eye,

and that tear
turned to ice,

and I kept
that frozen tear

far from my heart
that burns with passion.

If she had a wound,

I would kiss it.

If she had a splinter,

I would pull it
from her flesh
with mine lips.

Just say we are too late
and Leezar has had
his way with her,

would you still be
able to be with her?

I don't want to
think about that.

But just say that
we were moments late,

and he was able
to get her cookies.

Shut up.

Yes, I know, but what
if he butt-fucked her?
Would you still like her?

Do I have to
write you a poem?

There's never been
a love so true as ours.

That's pure love.

Yes, it is.

THADEOUS:
No, that's pure love.

There's a naked woman
standing behind you.

Who is that?

Is she looking at us?

Who is it? Is it him?
Are you looking to him?

Is it Courtney?
Is it to me?

It's Courtney.
I think it's to me.

COURTNEY: I believe she is
taking her trousers off.

Right, I will
return momentarily.

COURTNEY: No.

Thadeous,
it might be a trap.

The only thing
those tits will trap
is my warm spray.

Have fun
rubbing your ribbon.

Disgusting.

Come back here, you.
(GIGGLING)

I'm beginning to
think he doesn't care
about this quest.

What could possibly
make you think that,
sir?

THADEOUS: Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!
It's a trap.
A booby trap.

Oh, god!

It was a trap. (EXCLAIMS)

White people,
I knew it!

COURTNEY: White people?

Are they nice
or are they mean?
FABIOUS: They're mean!

They're the meanest!

THADEOUS: What do we do?

I don't know.
It is against code
to strike a woman.

I'm sick of
your silly codes.

Punch these ladies
in the face!

(THADEOUS GROANING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

COURTNEY: Sire,
where are they
taking us?

I don't know.
Stay close!

(DRUMS BEATING)

(CROWD SHOUTING)

Marteetee.

Mart-who?

MARTEETEE: Silence!

Good day,
my little bees

and welcome to
my most special
of events.

We have a wonderful treat

as you get to
witness a sea
of babbling men

behold their fates.

(MARTEETEE LAUGHING)

Enter, Dastardly!

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHEERING LOUDLY)

(LAUGHING)

Bloodthirsty creatures.

Oh!

(CHEERING)

(LAUGHING)

Brother, if I die,
you must promise me
to continue our quest.

Ooh!

Him.
No!

Kill him first!

Stay away!

Take the knife.

Why?

Watch this.

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

Oh!
Yes!

No!

(CHEERING STOPS)

Face! Yes!

Huh?

(ALL LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)

We've bested
your finest warrior.

Now grant us our freedom!

Yeah!

Bring Marteetee
his cauldron!

(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)

What is the cauldron?

Are my bees ready

for the grand finale?

(RUMBLING)

Yes, my pet!

Come forth

and show thy bulbous!

(ROARING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Oh, shit!

(HISSING)

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Oh, gods!

(ALL CHEERING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Over here!

(ROARING)

Hey, over here!

Over here!

Bring your fight to me!

Shit!

(HISSING)

(GROANING)

Thadeous!

Shit!

Sir!
(YELLS)

I've been bitten!
I can't move my leg.

You've got to
suck out the venom.

I don't want to suck it!
You suck it!

I can't suck
my own venom!

THADEOUS: Yes, you can.
I'll help you!

Suck it!
Suck your venom.

I can't reach it
with my mouth!

Courtney,
suck the venom!

I've never sucked...
Suck it!

And who have we here?

A sprightly
little warrior you are.

THADEOUS: Suck it!
Right there! Suck it!

I will make nice
when I enter you!

It's coming!
It's coming!

(MUFFLED YELL)

Courtney
spit the load!

Don't swallow the venom!
Spit it!

(ROARING)

Come on! Come on!

Kill it!
Fuck it up!

(GROANS)

Yes!

(GROANS)

(PANTING)

(HISSING)

(GROANING)

(MOANING)

What?

(WHIMPERING)

Who is he
that dares destroy
my beautiful baby?

(MARTEETEE SOBBING)

(CROWD GASPING)

It's a woman.

I can see.

Marteetee,

when I was a child
you enslaved my father

and slaughtered him
in this very arena.

Today I avenge him.

First by killing the beast,
second, by killing you.

Well, well,
my tiny bee...

(GROANS)

Oh, shit.

(GROANING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(RUMBLING)

Let's go!
We're going!

(YELLING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH YELLING)

Brother,
are you all right?
I'm fine!

Come on, let's go!

This way!

FABIOUS:
Excuse me, my lady.

May I but speak
with you a moment?

I'd like to
introduce myself.

I am Prince Fabious
of Mourne

and this is my brother,
Thadeous,

and his squire,
young Courtney.

Hello.

We'd like to thank you
for your help with
that dread beast.

I have no time for
your maiden pleasantries.

My quest continues
to the north.

FABIOUS: As does ours.

I thought maybe
for the sake
of both our quests,

that we could
travel together.

At least,
until we reach
civilization.

THADEOUS:
Yes, civilization.

We are good men,
we're questing
to save my...

Excuse my brother.

He's not familiar
with the customs
of the road.

Do not touch me.
Why are you
making me look bad?

A warrior on the road
never divulges the nature
of his quest.

One never knows if
his aim may conflict
with another's.

Yes, I was
just being nice.

As we are
on the same path,

I suppose you boys
may follow me to
Muldiss Darton.

From there
I seek navigation
and march alone.

We thank you.
And may we
have your name?

I'm Isabel.

The last living member
of the Harshbarger order.

Well, Isabel,
my brother and
myself will ensure

that you run into no danger
while you travel with us.

With our huge muscles,
we shall protect you.

Who? Protect what?

To be fair,
everyone will protect

each other equally,
I'm certain.

But we will
protect her more
because we are men.

Boo! (LAUGHS)
Gods!

What are you doing,
Brother?

What right do you have,
scaring a man like that?

Oh. What right
have you to spy

on a bathing woman
from the shrubs?

THADEOUS: I'm simply
keeping an eye on her.

She is not like one
of our dimwitted
chamber maids

that let me take
them from behind.

This woman has me vexed.

What exactly
would it take for one

to tame such
an adventurous slut?

I imagine she'd
want her man
to be honorable,

bold, brave,
know his way
around a blade.

Oh, god,
she's looking at us.
Remain perfectly still.

Mmm. We're almost
out of wood.

(FABIOUS CLEARS THROAT)

Courtney,
perhaps you and I should go
and collect some firewood.

Yeah.

If you two wouldn't mind
tending these embers.

No, of course not.

Tend away.

Care for another bite
of some meat?

You're not much
for talking, are you?

A true warrior
must keep her focus
on the road.

One never knows when
death might be dealt.

Mmm. Yes, of course.

I've been involved in many

death dealings in
focus-al moments.

Yes, by your
childish shrieks

in the face of
Marteetee's beast,

one could see as much.

What exactly is
your problem with me?

Do you have a sword stuck
so far up your butt-hole

that you cannot even
enjoy yourself
for one moment?

My quest affords me
no such luxury.

Not even on
a tender night
like this?

The moons glimmering,

the cold air
licking your tits.

On a night just like this
I returned home from a hunt

to find a bloodbath.

Nothing remained of
my six beloved brothers

save for their
severed heads on stakes.

Their eyes
had been plucked,

their teeth
taken as tokens.

I wear this bracelet,
forged of the steel
of their shields,

as a constant reminder
of my vow to avenge them.

My only advice would just
be to keep your head up,

hang in there,

live every day
to the fullest,

have sex
as much as you can

by campfire when
you're all alone

and your brother is
out gathering wood.

Just simple things
like that.

Do you think
he'll make love
with her tonight?

(LAUGHS) Not a chance.

(SIGHS)

Either way,
I've spent a lifetime
often envious of him.

Envious of Thadeous?

All the times that
he could sit back
and have a laugh

and really
enjoy the moment.

And I was up on stage

wearing make-up
to cover my acne.

My hair perfectly coiffed,
even for war.

(CHUCKLES)

I think you misunderstand
the situation.

He constantly gazes at you
with such eager eyes.

Sometimes he
borrows your armor

and he prances
around the courtyard,
flailing your sword,

going, "I am Fabious!

"Look at me slay dragon."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

He does it out of love.
He loves you, sir.

He adores you.

I know tragedy as well.
My mother is dead.

I have someone dead
in my family, too.

Also, recently

my brother's
bride-to-be was stolen

by a devious wizard.

Wizard?

Mmm-hmm.

Huh.

If you could
keep a secret,

it was Leezar.

Leezar?

Mmm-hmm.

Ah.

I understand he's
a very dangerous man.

Duh. That's why
Fabious turned to me.

The most bold and brave
and honorable man
that he knows.

Mmm.

We aim to kill
the magical cocksucker.

Do you see this compass?

What a fascinating device.

It will lead us
to a labyrinth
which holds a blade.

The only weapon
strong enough to
defeat the wizard.

Well, perhaps
I misjudged you.

It's not your fault.

I know I may seem like
I have a rugged exterior,

but underneath it all,
I have a golden heart
that beats and beats.

(SQUEAKING)

(CHITTERING)

So beautiful.

(SQUEALING)

That poor creature.

That's right.

(SNORTING)

Look at yourself.

Why would
anyone ever want
to be with you?

Hmm. I'm not sure, really.

Oh, yeah.
Perhaps, because I'm rich,

I live in a castle
and I can do magic.

Okay, then why did
you need to kidnap me
if you're so desirable?

Because I'm
the prophecy born, maybe.

Or I'm going to
have a dragon soon

which I'll be able
to control,

and it's going to
give me ultimate power.

How? Because you can
make a dragon do things?

Yes. I could
make it devour people

or breathe fire over
the Kingdom of Mourne.

Mmm. Sounds flimsy.

First of all,
you obviously don't know

jack shit
about the prophecy.

How do you know
that it won't be me
who controls the dragon?

(LAUGHING) Because
I am the chosen one.

Chosen one
controls the dragon.

Those are the rules,
basically.

(LAUGHS)

What are you laughing at?

I was just thinking
about your penis

and how unusual
it must look.

It doesn't look unusual.

How do you know
it's going to work?

Because I've tested it.
Really?

And if your vagina is
anything like my hand

there will be
no problem.

(SNORING)

Fair warriors, arise.

Two days
before the eclipse.

Thadeous,
hand me the compass
so I can check its shadow.

What?

The compass.

Oh.

That's weird.

It was around my neck
when I slept.

Where is it,
Thadeous?

I don't know.
I just woke up.

Isabel seems
to have gone.

THADEOUS: Isabel!

Isabel!

Shit.

Thadeous,

you didn't
by chance tell her

anything about the nature
of our quest, did you?

I may have dropped

a few minor details.

Did you tell Isabel

anything about
the one-of-a-kind
mythical compass?

Mmm.

Gods!

She's run off
with the compass.

We don't know that
for sure.
Oh, yeah?

Where is it?
Where is she?

All right, well,
it wasn't my fault.

I was falling madly
in love with her.

I was bedazzled
by her sweet bosom.

I was helpless.

You fool!

Without the compass,
how do we find
the Blade of Unicorn?

And without that sword,
how do we defeat Leezar?

Maybe we can
find some other way,
with nets or something.

Nets?

Oh, that's a great plan.

And meanwhile,
Belladonna's going to
get raped and die!

We don't know for sure
if she'll die.

Is this a joke to you?

Look, I'm sorry,
but I shouldn't
even be here.

We've almost been
killed multiple times.

I will probably die
on this quest.

Courtney definitely will.

Fuck Courtney,
and fuck you!

Maybe they're right,
everything they say
about you.

They only say that stuff
because of you,

because you go out
and have to pretend
to be the best.

And they look at me
like I'm some sort
of idiot.

Everyone in the kingdom
wants to suck your dick.

No one wants
to suck mine!

Oh, Thadeous,

you have the potential
to be such a noble warrior,

but instead you
just let yourself go,

and everyone around you.

You have no idea
what it's like to be me.

Being your brother
is a curse.

I'd rather be brothers
with anyone else but you.

(GRUNTS)

You say nothing else
for fear of
what I might do.

Nothing!

Now get dressed
and comb your hair.

I'm going
to Muldiss Darton.

Sex.

(LAUGHS)

Come on, Courtney.

FABIOUS: Come on.

For better or worse,
we're here.
Muldiss Darton.

You and Courtney
entertain yourselves.

I'm going off to
find the sword alone.

Alone?

I can't afford to
waste any more time.

Well, what are we to do?

Do whatever it is
you do, Thadeous.

Well, obviously
he's still upset.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, gods, Courtney.

How my heart laments.

Having been betrayed
by the sways of
a beautiful woman.

And Fabious,
throwing his
goddamn tantrums

with no regard for
anyone else's feelings.

He really needs
to consider...

Sir, look over there.

It's that thieving Isabel.

My gods!
The balls of this woman!

Do you think any
of those men
are her boyfriends?

COURTNEY: Possibly.

Who would ever want
to be her boyfriend?

What do we do?

I'll tell you
what we do.

We go over there,
we get the compass back,

we give it to Fabious,

we make him
feel horrible

for the way in
which he treated me,

and then you
and I head for home.

You believe it to be
as easy as that, sir?

Courtney,
she is a woman,
and we are a man.

How hard could this be?

It's my birthday today,
you know.

Fuck that.

(GRUNTING)

FABIOUS: Boremont!

You dare to
betray me twice?

No, it's the same
betrayal as before.

It all just
counts as one.

I suggest you surrender
before my father's army
gets here.

After Simon's message,
they should be
arriving nigh on now.

Ah, yes.

About your tin pet.

(SQUAWKING)

(MANIOUS LAUGHING)
Simon.

Best of luck
with your quest.

And you with yours.

Not so fast,
trickster.

Hello, Thadeous.

The time for
pleasantries is through.

Do you feel
that tiny prick
in your back?

Is that your cock?
(SCOFFS)

No, 'tis a knife,
but I'll gladly
penetrate you with it.

Now look over
your shoulder.

Other shoulder.

(LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

Frightening.
Mmm-hmm.

We have you surrounded.
An animal in a cage.

Now sit.

So, who were
those handsome men
you were talking to?

My contacts.

Mmm. By contacts
do you mean

men you trick
into liking you so
you can fuck them over?

What are you
talking about?

You know what
I'm talking about.

The compass.
Hand it over now.

You lied.
It does nothing.

Maybe if you would've
gone to the Wize Wizard
like we did,

he could have
explained to you that
it only works in sunlight.

Really?

Shit, I shouldn't
have told you that.

Isn't the Wize Wizard
a pervert?

Yes.

Sadly, I think he
molested my brother.

That's unfortunate.

Enough of your sympathy.
The compass. Give it.

I need it
to destroy Leezar.

Your quest is
to kill Leezar?

Yes. My family is
the order of
the Golden Knights.

We're sworn to
obstruct the prophecy
of the dragon eclipse.

That's what
the Golden Knights do?

It is my legacy
to stop anyone

who wants to fuck
to make dragons.

Yuck. Well,
that's the same thing
we're trying to do.

Why would you hinder us
and steal the compass?

His mothers
sent my brothers
to their death.

I must stop Leezar
and I can't afford

to let anyone get
in my way.

Least of all,
a slob and his boy.

Guess what?
I despise you.

You're a bully
and a whore.

Now give me
the compass now.

And if I don't?

Well,

then things will
get very nasty.

Oh, really?

Oh, really.

(GROANS)

Shit!

Oh, shit!

(GRUNTING)

Oh! God! Courtney,
fucking do something.

Your Highness!

Excuse me.

What the fuck?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

Take that shit outside!

Oh, sorry.

(GRUNTING)

(MEN LAUGHING)

(THADEOUS GROANING)

Hello.

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

(LAUGHING)

(MEN SHOUTING)

Thank you for
the hospitality,
gentlemen.

That didn't
really go as planned.

She's gone and now
so is the compass.

She is, indeed,
gone, sir.

The compass,
however, is right here.

Courtney, my good man.
(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS)

How did you do it?

Before your father
bought me,

I was a sex slave
for a band of gypsies
in the north

and they taught me
a thing or two
about sleight-of-hand.

Oh, you.

Now you see me,
now you don't.

Delicious.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(CHUCKLES)

I can't wait
to see the look

on Fabious' silly face
when he sees this.

BOREMONT: Clear!

THADEOUS: Fabious.

What do we do?

THADEOUS:
I'll tell you what we do.

We will steal a steed
and we will ride
to the next town.

We become ghosts,
start a brand new life,

one where you
still serve me.
And we're stable boys,

and we bed
the fickle wives
of farmers.

What about Fabious?

Oh, Fabious.

We'll remember him fondly.

I really think
we should try
and rescue him.

But, how, Courtney?
You are weak,
and I am hungry.

(SWORD SWISHING)
(SCREAMS)

You deceitful pricks.
You stole the compass
from me.

Who? I didn't.
Courtney did.

Please have mercy
on us, lady warrior.

Fabious has been captured
by Leezar and his men.

He was captured?

THADEOUS: Yes.

We got into
a huge swordfight

and we were able
to escape

and he was not.

I know how
you're feeling inside.

As if you cannot rest

until you destroy
those who harmed
your family.

You want to skin them alive
then wear their flesh
as a Cape

as you dance around
their convulsing corpses.

Yes, of course.

Yes.

That feeling is
all too familiar.

It's been burning
in my beaver

since the day
I lost my brothers.

We've had
our differences,

but if we work together,

we can save your brother,
avenge my family,

and destroy Leezar
once and for all.

This woman is mad.

I believe we found
our labyrinth.

Where?
The compass has led us
to a dead end.

Shall we return home?

It appears as though
there's something
written here

in the language of
the Highland Dwarf.

I can't read it.

Sir, you're well-versed
in the Highland Dwarf
language, aren't you?

You read Dwarf,
Thadeous?

I have had encounters
with those people, yes.

Really?
Well, then what
does it say?

Fucker.

(SIGHING)

(READING DWARF LANGUAGE)

It's nonsense.

It says,
"What leads you here
will lead you there."

It's rubbish.

Highland Dwarves
are a silly culture.

Oftentimes they speak
and I have no idea what
they're talking about.

What is she doing?

ISABEL: Perfect fit.

(RUMBLING)

ISABEL: You coming?

(THADEOUS SNIFFING)

What is that
foul stench?

(GROWLING)

What was that noise?

I don't know, Courtney.
But I don't like this.

(GROWLING CONTINUES)

I fear we're
not alone in here.

(BELLOWS)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

(BELLOWING FIERCELY)

What is that thing?
I don't know, but run!

Isabel!

(GROWLING)

Sir?

Help! Your Highness!

Courtney!

COURTNEY: Thadeous!

Isabel!

Companions,
where are you?

THADEOUS: Courtney! Hello?

Thadeous!

(BELLOWING)

COURTNEY:
Where are you, sire?

This is the Blade
of Unicorn?

It's just bones.

SOUL OF THE MAZE:
You've found it.

Who said that?

'Tis I, the soul of this maze
and protector of the blade.

'Tis my duty to ensure

only a true hero
carries the blade
from this tomb.

Okay.

Say, for instance,
a man entered here

by accident who
wasn't a true hero.

What would happen
to him?

Death.

I see. Well,

I am no true hero.

So I would like to
just place the sword
back where I found it,

and then I will go my way,
and you won't kill me,

and that will
be that, okay?

Go?

Where would
you like to go?

Is that...

Your home.

Okay, well,
I would surely go there.
That would be fine.

Shall I just slide
the sword back
into the thingy,

or place it gently
upon the ground?

And if I told you
that your brother

will die
without the help
of this blade,

would you still walk
through that door?

Without the blade,
Fabious will be helpless
against Leezar.

(GROANING)

Shut your magical hole.
Why are you showing me this?

SOUL OF THE MAZE:
It's what you wanted,
is it not?

Your brother gone.

You'll be king
of all the land.

Think of the power,

the women, the bush,
the sticky-icky,
the honeypots.

Well, it would be nice
to be king.

And all you have to do
is forget about the blade.

Leave it where you found it
and never think of
this place again.

That's very sweet
but I am not
a female Minotaur.

There you go.
Those are sharp now.

(GROANING) That tickles.
Get off me. All right.

Get off of me!
(PLAYING A SOFT MELODY)

(MOANING)

(BELLOWING GENTLY)

Whew!

(THADEOUS EXCLAIMS)
(GROANS)

(THADEOUS LAUGHING)

Did you just see that?

I came back for you all!
I saved you!

What, you were going
to leave us?

No, of course not.

Is that the...

Blade of Unicorn?

Yes, my companions, it is.

It's so beautiful.

THADEOUS:
It's very, very sharp.

Come here, you silly.

What are you doing?

I was just trying
to cut this horn
as a souvenir of my kill,

but it's proving to
be a bit of a bitch.

(ISABEL SCOFFS)

You can never
sever the horn
of a Minotaur.

Hmm.

THADEOUS:
Only a champion man

would hold
the Blade of Unicorn
in his hands.

And I, Thadeous,
am that man.

I have seen the pain
in my reflection
(WHIP CRACKING)

and watched the strength
of my brother, unflinching.

My quest is one of love,

but also in this moment
of forgiveness,
of redemption,

even amongst
the smallest of foes.

(SQUAWKS)

(SQUAWKING)

My path has been unstable

but my conviction is born
to damn those who doubted me.

To lessen those who tested me.

(ALL CHEERING)

To right what is wrong.

To restore faith
that has long been lost.

And to rise to great heights
even beyond my own legend

as a great cocksmith,
masterpintsman,

and stunningly
handsome prince of light
in these dark Dark Ages.

True trials await,

and I will greet thee
with the hammer of my fist

and the slide
of my sword.

As the fog clears,
I will follow the voice
that guides me.

My love,
my heart, my gods.

THADEOUS:
The time is now!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Let us quest!

At long last,
I have you firmly
in my grasp.

The pesky Prince Fabious.

The little sneak who
time and time again

has foiled every one
of my plots.

Who has slain
every one of my beasts.

Who has bested me
without fail until now.

Do what you will to me.
But unhand my love.

Let Belladonna go!

Cast your glance
heavenward

and know that when
the ceiling parts,
and the moons align,

I will be
entering your love.

Sacrilege!
You wretched wizard.

My mothers have already
moistened Belladonna
for foreplay.

You'll excuse me
if I take my leave.

I shall kill you!

Boremont, my comrade.

Please,
get me out of here.

If Leezar wins tonight,
the entire world will
tumble into darkness.

My heart has soured
on this world long ago.

Perhaps a regime change
is just what it's needed.

Boremont,
you gave your hand for me.
Now you're taking my heart.

Look at me, Boremont!

Don't do this.

Anyway, so that
you don't feel like

you're missing out
on any of the fun,

let me introduce you
to my friend, Timotay.

As Leezar
enters Belladonna,

he will lower you
onto that spike,

thereby giving you
a good poking as well.

Belladonna, I love you!

(SQUAWKING)

All right.

Well, seeing that I did
the bulk of the work
in the labyrinth,

perhaps it's one
of your turns
to lead the way now.

Step back, new friends.
I'll lead the way.

For tonight,
evil has met its match.

Fantastic!
Thank you again
for coming.

ALL: Oh!

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

God.

Wow, right out
of the gate.

We should proceed
with a bit more caution.

BELLADONNA: Let go of me!

You foul witches!
I hate you all.
(MOTHERS LAUGHING)

Stop laughing.

Silence!

BELLADONNA: Let me go!

I shall be unable
to have sex with her
with all that shrieking.

MOTHER 1:
If it's obedience
that you want,

we will put her
under a spell.

(MOTHERS LAUGHING EVILLY)

MOTHER 2:
She will surrender.

Obey.

(GROANING)

(MOTHERS LAUGHING EVILLY)

Let it begin.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

THADEOUS:
The winch, Courtney.

Brother!
What are you doing here?

We came
to rescue you.

FABIOUS: You did?

Yes! Are you surprised?

Yes!

Courtney,
you're still alive!
Isabel!

All right. Great.

We haven't much time!
Let's get weapons.

Fabious,
there's something else
I should tell you.

What?

I would never let
your true love come
to harm.

I present you with
the Blade of Unicorn.

Brother,
it is beautiful.

And Your Highness,
please forgive
my deception.

Our two quests
now work as one.

Nice.

We're in this together, sir.

Yes.

(SQUAWKING EXCITEDLY)

FABIOUS: Simon!

(CHUCKLES)

Now mine eyes
have seen it all.

'Tis only a truce.
Courtney had him restored.

He manipulated
me into friendship

by tugging
at my heartstrings.

(CHITTERING)

FABIOUS: Right.

What's he saying?

It seems the way
is more treacherous
than I thought.

I cannot ask you
to come with me.

I know you do not
expect much from me,
Fabious.

But I will stand
with you on this night.

Is this the same brother
that would not
be my best man?

I did not deserve
to be your best man.

You do now.

We can finish this
whenever you maidens
are ready.

BOTH: Ready!

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

The time is nigh!

The moons are
about to align.

(GROANS)

(SHUSHING)

Intruders!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

You're too late!
The fuckening has begun.

Get him!

(YELLING)

You shit!

Kill them!

(YELLING)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

(GROWLING DEMONICALLY)

Why is she
making these noises?

(GROANS)

Courtney!
(YELLING)

(GROANING)

(LAUGHS)

FABIOUS: Boremont!

Bastard!

(YELLS)

Thadeous!

LEEZAR:
I'm not stiffening!

I'm just not
attracted to you.

(IN DEMONIC VOICE) Fuck me!

(YELLS)
(SCREECHING)

BELLADONNA: Love me!

(SCREAMING)

THADEOUS:
Adiós, motherfucker!

Teamwork!

(WHIMPERS)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH GROANING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

God, I never wanted it
to end like this,
old friend.

Master Fabious.

I loved you!

I loved you, too,
Boremont.

As only a knight
can love a knight.

No.

I loved you

as a man loves
another man.

Oh.

(DEMONIC LAUGHTER)

Jumping!

(GRUNTING)

Quick! We must hurry!

What? No, no,
don't suck that!
That's dead!

(GRUNTING)

(LIGHTNING STRIKING)

(SQUAWKING)

Next time you want
to smash a bloodline
of knights,

make sure you
kill all of them!

MOTHERS: We did!

You forgot
about their sister.

(SHRIEKING)

(DEMONIC SCREECHING)

(EXHALES)

Thadeous!
What are you doing here?

I'm trying to rescue you.
We must hurry!

Step away
from my virgin.

She's my brother's virgin.

If you want to fuck her,

you'll have to
fuck me first.

It would be
my pleasure.

Stop!

It's over.

Take your last breath
with nobility.

(LEEZAR LAUGHS)

You fool.

I cannot be slain
by mortal blade.

One must possess
the powerful...

I know.

Blade of Unicorn.

It's not possible.

(GROANING)

(LAUGHS)

My love.

Think I'm beginning
to like the feel

of blood and filth
upon these fingers.

Perhaps I will
never bathe again.

Unless, of course,
there were a woman

brave enough to
bathe beside me.

You fought with honor.

Why don't you treat yourself
and take rest at our castle?

We've all the slaves,
pickles and servants
one could ever desire.

We have dancing bears,
Orientals

and all the berries
you care to pick.

I wish I could,
but I never rest.

There's yet another quest
that calls me to
the Western Marshes.

I must surprise
a band of thieves

and burn them alive
one by one in
a symphony of shrieks.

I will not forget you,
Prince.

Nor will I.

Here.
To remember me.
Oh.

I don't want that
thing touching me.

Say hello.
Ooh.

No.

Shh. Take it.

No, it's yours.

I cannot accept
another warrior's trophy.

Courtney, take my dick.

Till we meet again.

Is thou all right,
Brother?

(WHISPERING) I love you.

(WHISPERING)
I love you, too.

(CROWD CHEERING)

They're cheering
for you.

They're cheering
for all of us.

Even for me?

Especially you, Brother.

(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHIRPING HAPPILY)

I'm proud of you, son.

You saved
the entire land.

Not a bad run
for a first quest.

Well, I would be remiss
to say I did it alone.

Fabious did help
where he could.

Hmm.
Hmm.

TALLIOUS: I'm sure.

Finally. Alone.

(SIGHS)

Hello, there.
Cock-a-doodle-do.

Ah, Isabel.

Brother?

Yes?

Am I interrupting
something?

Nothing,
I was preparing
for bedtime

and just looking
at the oils
that Father gave me.

Ah! I know
what you're doing!

No, you don't.
(LAUGHS)

(CLEARING THROAT)

Well, seeing you by
yourself at the wedding
didn't seem right.

So, I've brought
you someone.

Someone I know
you've been missing...
Isabel?

...and who's been
missing you.

I brought you Steven!

Oh.

I went on a mini-quest
and I found him for you.

Well, that was

very nice of you,
Fabious. Thank you.

I had so much fun on
our adventure together.

Yes, I know.
You have told me
15 fucking times now.

(LAUGHS)

All right.
Sweet dreams, Brother.

Sweet dreams.

Steven.

Well, I'm going to
put you in the corner now
while I strum my filthies.

Come, come, Steven.

Here we go.

Isabel.

I was able to wrap
things up in the west
quicker than I expected.

I've not been able to
stop thinking of you.

What a coincidence.
I was just about to
finish thinking of you.

Wait.
Before we go any further,

there's something
I have to show you.

What?

What the hell is that?

It's a chastity belt

put upon me by
an evil witch long ago.

She now roams
the snow mountains
of Shahmir.

If I can defeat her,

the curse will be broken,
the belt will fall free.

So in order for us
to make love,

we have to track down
an evil and, I'm assuming,
dangerous witch?

Exactly.

Hmm.

We would have to
do this right now?

If you don't want
to join me,

I could just take care
of it myself.

No, of course
I want to come.
We just got home.

I was hoping to
have a few hours

of just doing nothing,
perhaps just relaxing.

Let's just stay here
and snuggle.

Hmm.

No, fuck it.
Let's kill that bitch.