Your Christmas or Mine? (2022) - full transcript

[vocalist] ♪ Snowflakes
fall on Marylebone ♪

♪ Two lovers on the
cobblestones ♪

♪ With scarves wrapped over
collar bones ♪

♪ And you wrapped around me ♪

♪ Angels in the window panes ♪

♪ And two pints on a single
tray ♪

♪ The Ten Bells full of fun
awaits ♪

♪ Just for Christmas Eve ♪

- ♪ Till it's time ♪
- ♪ It's time ♪

- ♪ For goodbye ♪
- ♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ And we both run off into
the night ♪ - ♪ The night ♪



♪ And I hope ♪

♪ That you know ♪

♪ I wanna the deck the halls ♪

♪ Hang mistletoe around ya ♪

♪ So when I sing 'Last
Christmas' ♪

♪ I hope it's my last without
ya ♪

♪ So you should listen up ♪

♪ 'Cause this wish is about ya ♪

♪ Can we have forever ♪

♪ Or at least can we be
together, Babe, for Christmas? ♪

♪ Can we be together,
Babe, for Christmas? ♪

[indistinct shout]

It's fine.
We've got plenty of time.

We'd better go.
We're gonna miss our trains!



I can't go any faster!

We made it!

No thanks to you.

I didn't know it took that long
to cook a turkey.

We're going with
'it was cooked', are we?

That was my first ever
Christmas dinner!

It was great.
I didn't know you could cook.

There's lots of things you don't
know about me, James Hughes.

Stay there. Stay there!

[James grunts]

Okay, just one.

That camera!
You're such an old man!

Well, this old man...

- ...got you something.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- We said no presents.
- I know, I know!

- No presents, remember?
- But...

Well, just open it when...
you're really missing me.

I'll be really missing you,
will I?

I really wish I could come with
you.

Why don't you?

- What?
- Come with me.

We could have Christmas
in the countryside together.

I mean... my mum would kill me.

[announcer over PA]
Macclesfield calling at Luton...

That's me.

Bloody Macclesfield.

- Bloody 'Kimble'.
- Kemble!

Whatever!

I have been wanting to say that these
past couple of months have been...

Well, you're like... the
coolest person I've ever met,

and I don't even just mean
on the course. Like, ever and...

- You are out of time, James Hughes.
- Well, no...

I just... I wanna say...

I... I love...

Bye!

Bye!

[announcer over PA]
...the 17:32 service to Kemble.

Calling at Reading...

Okay!

[whistle blowing]

- Come on, darling.
- Wait!

Have you got your ticket?

[mumbling]

You're going to spend
Christmas together!

That's lovely!

Your ticket?

Sorry, I...

Is this free?

- Yes, love.
- Cheers.

Someone who knows you well, eh?

I told you!

Stop talking to random people.

Wait!

This stops at Kimble, right?

Kemble.

Even better!

Does this stop at Macclesfield?

It does, love.

Excellent!

[vocalists] ♪ Christmas! ♪ -
[vocalist] ♪ The snow's coming down ♪

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ I'm watching it fall ♪

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ Lots of people around ♪

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ Baby, please come home ♪

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ The church bells in town ♪

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ All ringing in song ♪

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ Full of happy sounds ♪

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ Baby, please come home ♪

♪ They're singing 'Deck The
Halls' ♪

♪ But it's not like Christmas
at all... ♪

Wait! Wait!

Stop, stop!

Stop!

♪ And all the fun we had last
year ♪

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ Pretty lights on the tree ♪

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ I'm watching them shine ♪

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ You should be here with me ♪

No!

No, no, no, no! No! No!

- No, no, no!
- One metre!

You need to keep at least one metre from
the platform edge, miss. Station rules.

You need to stop this train.
It's an emergency!

If you wish to report an emergency,
you need to call 01632323323.

I can't. My phone's on the
train. That's the emergency.

A lost phone does not constitute
an emergency, miss.

You can report it to
Lost Property on 016323...

How can I report it
if my phone is on the train?

Can I borrow yours?

I don't have one.
There's no signal round here.

What? You don't have a mobile
phone?

Where are we, 1985?

They tried installing a mast last
year, but we were having none of it!

Sorry, Bill Gates,
you can take your radiation

and stick it where it belongs.

Bristol!

Oh, my God! This is a nightmare!

I was supposed to surprise this
guy,

but then I fell asleep and I missed
him, and now he's gone home and...

Man, that's where I'm supposed to
be. My mum's gonna be freaking out!

And we're gonna lose our 99 day
streak.

I'm gonna need that slower
and in English.

Can I get a train to
Macclesfield from here?

There speaks someone
with little comprehension

of the South West Rail Network.

Right. Right then. Right.

I just need to find James'
house.

You know
where everyone lives, right?

Because this is the countryside

you're going to assume
everyone knows everyone else?

His name's Hughes. James Hughes?

Yeah, of course I know that one.

It's up the hill, past Chapman's
house, turn right at June's cottage,

past the church, down the drive
and, well, can't miss it.

Right, ta!

Right then, race you home,
James Hughes.

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ If there was a way ♪

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ I'd hold back these tears ♪

- ♪ Christmas! ♪
- ♪ But it's Christmas Day ♪

- ♪ Please! ♪
- ♪ Please! ♪

- ♪ Please! ♪
- ♪ Please! ♪

Guess who's waking up next
to you on Christmas morning?

Thank you, Santa!

I am so sorry. I... I thought
you were someone else. Sorry.

Aww!

Come back!

I've been very good!

Yes, little man,
what can I do you for?

A '99, please.

Well, you'll have to come back
in April for ice cream,

but if you're after a five kilo
Norfolk Black with its giblets intact...

you've come to the right place.

- [chuckles]
- Weirdo!

Eh? Cheeky git.

[Hayley on voicemail]
Hiya! Are you alright? Joking!

I'm not here, leave a message.
Bye.

[man] Turkeys! Simply the
breast!

Get 'em while you can!
They're getting gobbled up!

Gobble!

[Sat-nav on phone] Starting
route to Woodfield Road.

- [gun cocks]
- [gasps]

What do you want?

Me? Nothing. Nothing. I'm
just...

Trespassing, are you?

No, no, no, I'm just looking
for the Hughes household.

W... hey! Please don't shoot me!
It's Christmas!

The Hughes household?

Yes, sir.

Rather you than me.

Thank you, sir.

[Hayley]
Bloody hell!

I... I'm sorry. Are you sure
this is...

[Sat-nav on phone] Proceed
to the route and make a U-turn.

Make a U-turn and proceed to...

- [boy] Oi!
- ...Woodfield Road.

Nice coat, mate.
Shame there's no sleeves.

Well, it's actually a gilet.

[boys] Ooh! A gilet!

Look, guys, I'm not...
I don't want any trouble.

Too late for that, 'Gilet'.

Please. Please. I'm really
just...

[laughing]

Thank God! You're kids.

What? I'm nine and
three-quarters, and he's nearly eight.

- Yeah.
- Okay, well...

I'm looking for Woodfield Road.

- What's it worth, 'Gilet'?
- Yeah, what's it worth?

Alright...

I'll give you... a pound.

Fiver!

Okay, fine.

- Each!
- Each?

Each!

Alright.

Fine. Deal.

Thank you.

Now where is it?

Unbelievable!

Happy to help!

[vocalist]
♪ I'll be home for Christmas ♪

♪ You can plan on me ♪

♪ Please have snow and
mistletoe ♪

♪ And presents under the tree ♪

♪ Christmas Eve will find me...
♪

- Hello, I'm...
- Late!

I know. I've been expecting you.

Really?

For the last 20 minutes.

Listen, there's a guy
out there with a gun.

Well, of course there is,
you're in the country.

Come in, girl, you'll
let all the good heat out.

Follow me.

Heat? What heat?

You can wait in here.
Don't touch anything.

I'll let Mr Hughes know you're
here.

An interesting choice of outfit.

27...

25...

- Ho ho ho!
- Jesus!

Merry Christmas!

Hello?

- [knocking]
- Anyone home?

- Surprise!
- Merry Chris...

No, Dad!

Who the hell is that?

- Is... Is Hayley here?
- Who are you?

Yeah, who are you?

- I'm...
- [boy] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Mum! Mum!

Mum, don't listen to him!

Gilet gave us that tenner.
We didn't mug him, honest.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who is Gilet?

He is. He's our mate.

- What?
- Hello, Gilet.

Is that French?

Well, I suppose the word
'gilet' is, but I'm...

Are you not a little bit too old
to be hanging out with my boys?

I'm nine and three quarters!

- He's a pervert.
- I just...

- He's not!
- ...bumped into them in an alleyway.

- And you gave them a tenner?
- He's a drug dealer!

No, he's our mate.

- Stop saying that.
- [Geoff] I'm back!

- Right, positions! Positions!
- Where are we going?

What are we doing? What's going
on?

We're surprising Hayley!

Great! Okay.

That's...

You're squeezing me a bit tight.

Careful, that's my...

Surprise!

- Merry Christmas!
- No. No. No, no.

- No.
- Where's Hayley?

- Geoff?
- She didn't show.

It's bloody freezing out there!
I've got nipples like a '99 flake.

There's a heavy snow
on the way, Geoff.

- I forgot my coat, didn't I?
- Well, did you call her?

- No, my phone's in my coat.
- What are you doing back here then?

Getting my bloody coat,
aren't I?

[Granddad] Heading up from
the South.

- You must be shattered. Get that bag off.
- It's fine.

- Have you been flogging turkeys?
- No. But if I was...

I would just have made
a hundred quid! Hey! Whoa-ho!

- Get some music on.
- You had one job.

What are you on about? I've had
loads of jobs, all pigging day.

- I was delivering turkeys till five!
- Unbelievable!

Right, boys, upstairs,
go get yourselves cleaned up.

Remember, snitches get stitches.

And tell-tales get...

e-mails!

How many times do
we lose this bloody remote?

- Hi.
- Who the bloody hell are you?

He's either a drug dealer or a
pervert.

I'm not.

Or both.

This is Gilet, Geoff.
He's friends with the boys.

Again, I'm not.

Them kids! How many times
have I got to tell you two, eh?

Hang around with lads
your own age!

- [boy] I'm nine and three quarters!
- Exactly!

Right. No offence, Gilet,
but come on.

He can stay for a quick
Christmas drink, surely?

- It's fine.
- What other jobs you have to do, Geoff?

- Don't worry Granddad. I got the stuffing.
- Come and have a seat with me.

It's gone to voicemail. It
never goes to voicemail. Love...

Cup of tea, Gilet? Oh, God!

That sounds exotic.

I've come across plenty of
Lees and Darrens in my time.

You can say that again!

But I can't say
I've ever met another 'Gilet'.

It's a body warmer, Kaye.
TK Maxx is full of 'em.

- You should go and look for her.
- I'll be back in a minute.

Look, Kath, let's give it
half an hour, right?

We'll have a cuppa. If we've
not heard from her by then...

Okay, we'll give it exactly half an
hour and then you'll go and look for her.

What, no cuppa?

No cuppa.

Kath...

[Kath] Honestly, one of these days
I'm gonna give you a simple task

and you're gonna get it right!

Come on, it's Christmas Eve Eve.

I'm James.

Hello! You must be Peanut.

Ohh! Okay, alright.
Chill, chill, Peanut.

Peanut!

- [clicking tongue]
- Like I said, very casual.

Thank you, Iris.

You may leave.

Will you please put that down?

Sorry, it's just...

That's Tony Blair, right?
And isn't that...

The first thing to establish
when you are in my house:

that you respect my privacy.

Oh, right.

- Sorry.
- And the second

is the importance of
punctuality.

Erm, look, I don't want
to get off on the back foot.

I'm Hayley.

Taylor.

Humphrey Hughes.

And you get off on the
wrong foot, not the back foot.

Yeah, course, but...

right now I feel like
I'm doing a bit of both.

Yes, well, take a seat.

It has been something
of an inauspicious start.

We had been told good things.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

- Dependable, experienced, cheap.
- What?

And your background checks were
clear.

Back... background checks?

Standard procedure.
You should have been informed.

Look, I don't know what James
has told you about me, but...

- James?
- Yes.

James. Your son?

- Tony Blair's ball boy.
- My son's name is Hubert James Hughes,

and he is currently away
training.

And I am a little confused
as to how you know him.

Sorry, did you just say
his name's 'Hubert'?

How do you know my son?

We're on the same course.

You train with Hubert?

No, I train with James.

Well, where is he?

Well, I don't know. I was gonna ask
you the same thing. Is he not here...

Excuse me, sir. This is Doris.

I'm here about the cleaning job.

Bit late, I know, but my... cat
died.

Er...

Iris, I will, er, conduct
the interview in my study.

Very well. Come with me.

[Hayley]
Wow!

You thought I was the cleaner.

Because I had an interview
with a cleaner at 7:00 pm,

and at twenty past seven
you knocked on my door.

Look, I'm going to have to
deal with that.

Won't take long.
She's clearly not right.

You will stay here until
I return. Understood?

- Yes, sir!
- And don't touch anything.

[Humphrey]
Come on, Peanut!

Come on, boy.

I'm sorry, you don't have a phone
I could borrow? I left mine on the...

[door closes firmly]

So I know she got on her train.

But did she get off it?

I know I did, 'cause I'm here.

But Hayley's not.

And that begs the question...

where is she?

You say something, young man?

Never mind.

[Geoff] She missed her train,
that's all.

[Kath] Yes and now she's
walking the streets!

[Geoff] Well, she'll be alright.

I thought, you know what,
it's Christmas, screw the brew.

Have I introduced
myself properly? I'm Kaye.

You can call me Special K!

I'm Ant and Dec's aunty.

Ant and Dec?

Oh, Gilet! You still here?

I offered him a drink.

Kaye, quick word.

What flavour stuffing you get?

Cranberry and chestnut, Grandad.

Now didn't we have a box of
choccies knocking about?

Er, what are you doing, love?

I think he likes me.

Look, we don't know him,
and he is very young.

A minute ago, he was too old.

For Ant and Dec.

[laughs]
Oh, Kath!

I'm a cougar these days.

It's very on trend.

Come on, sis, it's just
a bit of Christmas fun!

[Geoff] Could have sworn we had
some Maltesers on the go!

Ohh. I wonder how they got
there, eh?

Kath was just saying, you
can always stop for your tea.

Really?

Oh, God! Completely forgot.
Go and check the lasagne.

- No, it's fine.
- That's me.

I should probably take this.

Do you have somewhere...
private?

Like a study or...

Kitchen's through there.

Okay, yeah. Thank you.

- [chuckling]
- [whispering] Study?

[clears throat]

- Dad, listen...
- [Hayley] Hello, 'Hubert'.

- Hayley?
- [whispering] Surprise!

Where the hell are you?

What are you doing in my house?

I got on your train. I don't
know what I was thinking.

Well, I do know what I was thinking. I
was thinking it would be epic romantic.

But then you weren't here, and it
was actually horrifically awkward.

And now I'm stuck here,
I've lost my phone,

and outside it's starting
to look like the North Pole.

Have you said anything about me?

No! And your house! You said you
lived in a cottage, not a bloody castle!

Okay, yes, well, I-I may have
done some downplaying.

James, there's a picture
of your dad with Prince Charles.

Yeah, okay, erm...

Okay, here we go.

My dad's official title is
Lord Humphrey Manningham-Hughes.

- Lord?
- Well, he's an Earl.

The Earl of Gloucester, to be
precise.

Are you joking?

I know, I should have told you,
I know.

But, look, I need you
to not say anything...

James, are you a frickin' Royal?

No! No!

Well, technically, yes.

But I'm like... I'm like, 300th in line
to the throne or something, okay?

Like, put it this way, a lot of
people would have to croak

- for my character to turn up in The Crown.
- I can't cope with this.

But, Hayley, this is important:
my dad, he doesn't know about...

- [smoke alarm beeping]
- I don't believe it!

Oh gosh, oh gosh!

How do you turn your oven off?

My oven? Wait, what? What?

I told you to check the lasagne!

- Alright, don't panic!
- What is going on?

- It's...
- Is the house on fire?

- No, no, no!
- What are you doing, James?

Is this some sort of a joke?
James...

what the hell
are you doing in my house?

What you said: Epic. Romantic.

James, I need you to listen to
me.

They do not know about you yet.
Have you said anything?

No. I mean, I haven't really been
able to get a word in edgeways.

James, I need you to do me
the world's biggest favour

and not say anything.

Okay.
I mean, may I ask why?

I'll explain when I see you, and I
promise we will laugh about it afterwards.

What am I supposed to say?

Just say I'll be home tomorrow
or something.

We're drama students.
Improvise.

You know how bad I am at impro!

Whenever I get stuck,
I do that weird Scottish accent.

Well, now's your time to
get good, fast! I've got to go.

Hayley, no! Hayley.

[sighs]
Okay.

[huffs]

Impro.
[chuckles]

[noisy commotion]

Excuse me.

[commotion settles]

I have a wee thing to tell ya.

Your Lordship.

Er, that was James.

- Hubert.
- Yeah, Hubert.

Erm, he said that his train's been
delayed, but he will be back tomorrow.

Right.

And you are here...
for what reason exactly?

Do you know what? It's
actually quite a funny story...

Er, but probably for another
time.

I'm just on my way up North, and I
thought I'd nip in, say hi to a mate.

But he's clearly not here,
so I will just be heading off.

- Safe travels.
- Out of the question.

I'm sorry, sir, but it's too late
for her to travel in this tonight.

Besides the last train
will have left by now.

Hubert's room's made up already.

- She could stay there.
- Er...

Oh... very well.

Erm, Iris will call a cab
for you in the morning. Early.

Thank you, My Lord.

Come on, Peanut!

- Come on!
- Come along.

Getting the tour, am I?

That's Mr Hughes' study.

And through there is the main
hall,

and beyond that
there's the conservatory,

the kitchen,
and the library's upstairs.

Wow!

You're only a billiard room
away from a full Cluedo board.

That's beyond the conservatory
on the right.

I'm gonna get killed with a lead
pipe in the drawing room, aren't I?

I sincerely hope not. The drawing
room is strictly out of bounds.

Besides, there is no drawing
room on a Cluedo board.

Oh, wow!
This one looks just like James.

If he went full hipster.

That's the First Earl of
Gloucester.

Fought alongside King Charles.

This family has a proud
military history.

It's produced field marshals at
Waterloo, generals in the Boer.

Hubert's great-great-grandfather
was in the Somme.

His great-grandfather
fought with Montgomery.

And of course, Mr Hughes' own record
in Afghanistan and Iraq speaks for itself.

Wow!

So how does everyone
feel about Hubert?

- Very proud.
- Really?

As I'm sure your parents are of
you.

The officer training course
at Sandhurst is...

Well, it produces
the best soldiers in the world.

Sandhurst?

You did say you were on
the same course, didn't you?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, we are.
Sorry.

Sorry, it's been a long day.

Let me show you your bedroom.

Here you are.

Supper will be in the main hall
at nine.

And try and wear something
a little more...

Not... not that.

- [Nan] Looks like...
- [Grandad] I love lasagne!

I've got to say,

losing her phone and missing her
train is such a Hayley thing to do.

Still don't know why
she didn't call me, though.

[Geoff] Here you go!

Geoff,
what have you got those out for?

Gives Gilet a chance
to get to know us quicker.

'James' is fine.

Oh! Who put that there?

- You did.
- We had 'em made for Hayley's 21st.

Who is he again?

Hayley's friend from drama
school, Mum!

His train got cancelled at
Macclesfield,

so H texted him saying he
could crash here for the night.

- Shagging, are they?
- Whoa!

- Of course not, Mum! Bloody hell!
- Oh, God, no.

I'm... I'm very much single.

Really?

And gay.

- Really?
- Aye.

I am just a wee bit
into my men, it's true.

Oh, cool! Who would you
rather snog, Ronaldo or Messi?

That's Ronaldo, any day
of the week. Right, Gilet?

I'm a Lionel Messi man myself.

Such a low centre of gravity.

So, er, Ant and Dec,
are those your real names?

[Geoff]
Oh, God, here we go!

Right, so, Dad is Antony,

and then Geoff's dad was Declan.
Do you know what?

It wasn't until we'd done it
that we even realised.

Not that we're not big fans of
the presenters. Cracking chemistry.

Do you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna put this here,

so that Hayley...

is here in spirit.

She's in London, Kath.
She's not dead.

She's such a worrier these days.
[soft chuckle]

Can't imagine what you were like
when she got her tattoo.

Tattoo?

I mean...

if... if she got a tattoo,

just to imagine what you'd be
like.

H would tell me if she got
a tattoo, wouldn't she?

Yeah.

Well, I never told anybody
when I got mine.

Do you get to eat in here every
night?

Most evenings
I enjoy supper in my study.

Alone.

Right.

Must be fun being a lord.

I try not to use the title,
where possible.

Really? If it was me,
I'd be using it all the time!

'Her Lordship's coming through!'

Straight to the front
of the queue at H&M.

'Out the way, people, Her
Lordship needs a new boob tube.'

[chuckles]

So what are your plans for
Christmas?

We tend not to make a fuss
of Christmas in this house.

Oh, but come on,
the fuss is the best bit!

And you could get a massive
Christmas tree in here!

Like, my house is tiny, but
you should see it at Christmas.

Man alive, like,
we have Advent candles,

Advent calendars,

we even have this,
like, Advent toilet roll

that's got, like, the Christmas
cracker jokes on it.

And my mum!
She has this musical reindeer.

It's like...
♪ Jingle bells! Jingle... ♪ Ugh!

It drives everybody nuts.
And... [scoffs]

Tonight, my nan, she makes these,
like, Christmas pudding muffins,

and if you find the one
with the coin baked in it,

you don't have to do any chores
for the whole of Crimbo.

I just think every home should
have a Christmas tree, that's all.

Well, you won't see many
Christmases at home...

once you get your commission.

Sorry?

Once you're an officer.

You won't get home very often.

Well, all depends, sir.

If I get in the LANCS Regiment,
like I hope, then I'll be just up the road.

The LANCS?

Well, don't they refer
to themselves as the...

Mmm.
The Lions Of England, yeah.

Or the Kingsmen, if you prefer.

As someone who never
really had a choice,

I'm curious, why did you
choose the army as a career?

Mmm. Much like James, actually.

My dad was a massive influence.

He served?

He served a lot, yeah.

Ice... Icy conditions
were his speciality.

But... very secretive. We're not
really allowed to talk about it.

That sounds like the Mountain
Troop.

Yes, that's the one,
but you didn't hear it from me.

Ninety-Nine Regiment.

SAS arctic survival experts.

Yes, I've seen what those boys can
do in the mountains of Afghanistan.

Your father must be an
impressive physical specimen.

Oh, yes, sir. He really
keeps himself in shape.

[laughter]

That hit the spot, eh?

- What was I saying?
- Turkey Trot.

Oh, yeah. So, it was
this half marathon, right?

And they do it every Saturday
before Crimbo,

and they call it the Turkey
Trot.

Because every finisher gets a
turkey.

- The race starts at 9:00 am, right?
- Yeah.

He comes home at 2:30,
and he's carrying...

A frozen bloody chicken!

It had taken him that long to get
round, they'd run out of turkeys!

Chicken for Christmas dinner?

- I'll never live it down!
- That's for you.

- Thank you.
- Right!

- Let's see who's got the golden ticket.
- Oh, yeah, Gilet.

You find the ten-pence piece,
and you're chore-free, eh?

In my day, it was a sixpence.

- I think it's stuck.
- I think someone's found the 10p.

Man! I hate doing the dishes!

- He doesn't even live here. Rematch!
- Is he alright?

- He's choking.
- Bloody no! That's real!

You alright, mate?

You know,
a sixpence was much smaller.

- Is he going to die?
- It would've slipped right through.

- Stay there. Turn round.
- No, boys! No, don't film!

- Put your cameras away.
- Stay with me!

Geoff! What are you doing?

I'm doing the Heimlich
manoeuvre!

And how many first-aid courses
have you done at work?

Out of the way, out of the way,
out of the way. Turn!

[Dec]
Dramatic!

No washing up for me this year.

You alright?

- Are you alright?
- How about that for drama, eh?

[vocalists]
♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ It's the time of the year
When all good dreams come true ♪

♪ I look at all the toys
Under the Christmas tree ♪

♪ It makes me think about
The way that things could be ♪

♪ If people all over the world
Could just see them too ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ It's the time of the year
When all good dreams come true ♪

♪ I look at all the toys
Under the Christmas tree ♪

♪ Makes me think about
The way that things could be ♪

♪ If people all over the world
Could just see them too ♪

Ohh!

Hey, Peanut!

Have you come to keep me
company?

Ohh.

What is this? Is this for you?

What is this?

[laughs]

James Hughes!

For someone who blushes a lot,
your master is a saucy devil.

[Peanut barks, Hayley screams]

Peanut! Bad dog. Peanut!

Peanut!

Peanut, Peanut!

Peanut! You little dog pervert!

Peanut! Peanut!
Give it to me here!

Drop, Peanut!

Give it to me! Give me that!

Please, please, please, just...
Peanut!

What are you doing down here?

- Sorry, your dog has something of mine.
- Peanut!

- Give!
- I mean...

it's not really mine.

Technically, I suppose, it sort
of is mine, but only because...

It's mine.

This area of the house
is strictly off limits.

Yeah, sorry. I know.

Iris said,
but I just lost my bearings.

Miss Taylor...

you may heart cuddles,

but what I heart

is people who can do
as they are told!

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Um, don't worry, I'll be out of
your hair in the morning.

I'm glad to hear it.

Aren't you forgetting something?

[low]
Oh, my God.

Once again, love, we're really
sorry.

Well, it's my own fault.

[Geoff]
It was, yeah.

You should always
check your food for currency.

This is you.

Thanks.

Right, then.
It's jacuzzi o'clock for us.

We've just had one fitted, en
suite.

Kath here's mad for 'em. Hey!

Gilet does not need to know
about that.

Erm, night-night, love, and Geoff
will drop you at the station first thing.

Well, it's Christmas Eve
tomorrow. I was hoping for a...

First thing.

Thanks.

Night.

[doors close]

[soft sigh]

[distant dog barks, siren wails]

Look at you, Hayley Taylor.

Ah, you are...

Magic?

[Geoff] There's my little floozy
in the jacuzzi!

[Kath] Does Mr Whippy want
some sprinkles and sauce?

[James groans,
Geoff and Kath laugh]

- [James] No!
- [Geoff] There we go!

[vocalist] ♪ Softly they
fall, where do they go? ♪

[vocalists]
♪ Purple snowflakes ♪

♪ Cover the ground, without a
sound ♪ - ♪ Gentle snowflakes ♪

♪ Fall from the sky, before
your eyes ♪ - ♪ It's so thrilling ♪

♪ Blankets of white, brighten
the night ♪ - ♪ Such a feeling ♪

♪ They seem to say ♪

♪ That our love is here to stay
♪

♪ We'll be cosy and warm ♪

♪ Until summer flowers bloom ♪

Cab here?

Uh, they're refusing to send any
in the snow, so I'm just gonna walk.

When you get back to Sandhurst,

pass on my regards to Colonel
Dowd.

I trust he's still in charge
of new intake?

Oh, aye. Old Dowder's still
there. The old ball-breaker.

Except he isn't.

And he never was.

There is, however, a Colonel
Crosby who informed me that my son

discharged himself after only
three days.

He'd been led to believe
it was with my blessing.

And of course, he'd never heard
of you,

which I can't say is a surprise.

Why? 'Cause people like me
don't get to be army officers?

Precisely. You're asthmatic.

And quite clearly a performer.

Much more suited to the drama
course

at the Guildhall School
of Performing Arts.

Unlike my son.

I see, so you've been running
more background checks?

We've always ensured that
this family has served its country,

and I have a right to know if
my son has abandoned his duty.

So, perhaps you'd like to explain
to me exactly what is going on.

Maybe you should talk to James
about that, not me.

I just wanna go away
and be with my family.

This has been...

really weird!

Merry Christmas.

Ohh.

Kicked you out already, has he?

No surprise there.

[distant horn honks repeatedly]

I've never really been one for
emotional goodbyes, so, erm...

- Thanks, Geoff.
- Yeah.

Sorry it couldn't have been
a longer stay.

Let's be honest, mate,

if you stuck round any longer on
Christmas Eve, it would've been weird.

No one really wanted that.

The 8:33 to Hull on platform
three

- has been cancelled.
- Glad I'm not going to Hull.

Aren't we all, lad?

We apologise for the
inconvenience this may cause you.

- Bloody hell!
- The train to London Euston

has now been cancelled.

We are sorry for the disruption
to your service.

The 8:59 from platform one
calling at Reading, Swindon...

Oh, you're kidding me!

Your attention, please.

Due to the adverse weather
conditions

all services from this station
are now suspended.

Please remain calm.
I repeat, please remain calm.

Looks like we're spending
another night at my mother's.

Ohh, shit! Shit!

My sentiments exactly, dear.

Come on!

Hello?

I've just had the worst night
of my life.

- Where are you?
- I'm at the station.

And I guess my dad knows
about drama school then?

Only after I spent all night
pretending I was G.I. bloody Jane.

- I tried to tell you.
- Yeah. When exactly?

I mean, you've had two months and
you actually haven't told me anything.

I'll be honest, right now, I
feel like I don't even know you.

- Okay, hang on.
- I can't hang on!

I'm on a real-life payphone.

I had to ask the weird old station
master to show me how it worked.

Look, I really wanted to tell
you,

but I didn't know
how you were gonna react,

- and then it just felt like...
- I thought we could trust each other.

Well, yeah, you certainly trusted
me to lie to your parents about us.

Do not try and deflect this on
to me.

Come on, there's loads of things
you haven't told me too.

Like what?

Like, you're a magician!

You are an Earl.

You went to Eton. You are
going to inherit an estate!

If you can't be honest with me,
at least be honest with yourself.

You hunt!

What did you just call me?

Hello?

Hop in, Gilet!

Any chance of a coffee?

I think we can do better than
that.

There you are. That should warm
you up.

Thanks.

I always have a glass of sherry
with my nan

on Christmas Eve
when we have a pamper.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Let's call it breakfast.

[Hayley chuckles]

Thanks for letting me back in.

I didn't really know where else
to go.

I'm so glad it was you
that answered the door.

Oh... well, yes.

I'd apologise for
his behaviour if I could,

but, unfortunately, that's
not in my job description.

It appears that over the last few years
he's forgotten how to treat our guests.

Still, not to worry. Today's one
of the few days he goes out.

And he won't be back till much
later,

so, perhaps by then your trains
will be up and running again.

Is that James' mum?

Fiona, yes.

She passed away, didn't she?

Four years ago now.

James never really wants
to talk about it.

[sucks teeth]
Like father, like son.

All you need to know is
it wasn't always like this.

No, there was a time when this
house was full of fun and laughter.

Especially at Christmas.
They used to love Christmas.

Oh, Fiona and Mr Hughes
had great plans.

They were going to host wedding
parties, even a music festival.

- No way!
- Yeah.

Gloucestonbury. It would
have been quite a weekend.

- [Hayley chuckles softly]
- Oh, anyway.

I better get going.

My list won't 'to do' itself.

So... stay as long as you like.

- Make yourself at home.
- Thanks.

Just don't read my diaries.

And if you do go out,
make sure that dog stays inside.

He's a runner.

I can think of plenty
of other words for him.

Oh, Peanut's alright.

Like a lot of people round here,
his bark is far worse than his bite.

[chorus] ♪ O, tidings
of comfort and joy ♪

♪ Comfort and joy ♪

♪ O, tidings of comfort and joy
♪

[Geoff groans]

[groans]

Yeah, the boys will be delighted
you're back, Gilet.

They've taken a real shine to
you.

Get him! Get him, get him!
Quick, get him in the face!

Aah! Stop!

Dec!

- Not in the face! Ow!
- Yes!

The cold weather
sweeping in from Siberia...

There weren't any rocks
in the ones they threw at me.

- I'm sure it was an accident.
- Yeah.

- Put some ice on it, love.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- You'll survive, lad.

I know.

- Them kids, eh?
- Right, what we gonna do?

Sneak out the back door
and ambush them from the rear?

About Hayley
being stuck in the hell hole.

Oh, the trains'll be up
and running soon enough.

Well...

She wouldn't want us
to cancel our Christmas Eve

just 'cause her train's delayed.

We owe it to her
to crack on with tradition.

- Boys to the pub!
- Girls have a pamper!

Exactly! It's what Hayley
would have wanted.

Right, we're off to The Tuns.

We'll set up the home spa!

Get slicing those cucumbers,
Gladys.

Do it yourself. I'm watching
the news.

It's not going to be the same without
Hayley. We need it to be the four of us.

Oh, Gilet can take her place!

Why don't you stay with us
and have a pamper with the girls?

I'm sorry, what's happening now?

Yeah, you could fill us in
on what she's been up to!

No, he's coming to the pub
with me and Granddad!

I do not think that The Tuns

is the sort of place that Gilet
would like to go to, Geoff.

The pub'll be no fun for you.
It's all Guinness and football,

and 'Fairytale of New York'.

I mean, that doesn't sound not
fun.

I do enjoy a drop of Guinness
now and again.

Looks like you haven't
got a choice, pal.

Anthony, we're leaving
a good man behind,

but desperate times call
for desperate measures.

- Onwards, Christian soldier!
- ♪ Onwards, Christian soldier... ♪

Hey, don't wait up!

Now Christmas has started!

Come on!

[laughter]

[peppy musical intro plays]

[vocalist]
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Candles burnin' low ♪

♪ Lots of mistletoe ♪

♪ Lots of snow and ice ♪

♪ Everywhere we go ♪

♪ Choirs singin' carols ♪

♪ Right outside my door ♪

♪ All these things and more ♪

♪ All these things and more ♪

♪ That's what Christmas
Means to me, my love ♪

♪ What Christmas means
to me, my love ♪

♪ Ah, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
♪

♪ You know what I mean ♪

♪ I see your smilin' face ♪

♪ Like I've never seen before ♪

♪ Even though I love ya madly ♪

♪ It seems I love you more ♪

♪ The little cards you'll give
me ♪

♪ Touch my heart for sure ♪

♪ All these things and more, darling
♪ - ♪ All these things and more ♪

♪ Whoa, that's what Christmas
means to me, my love ♪

♪ That's what Christmas
Means to me, my love ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

- ♪ I feel like running wild ♪
- ♪ Running wild! ♪

♪ As anxious as a little child ♪

♪ Greet you 'neath the
mistletoe ♪

♪ Kiss you once and then some
more ♪

♪ And wish you a Merry
Christmas, baby ♪

♪ Wish you a Merry
Christmas, baby ♪ - ♪ Whoa! ♪

♪ And such happiness in the
coming year ♪

♪ Happiness in the coming
year ♪ - ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Let's deck the halls with
holly... ♪

Now that is what I call a fuss!

[Peanut barking]

[soft groan]

Peanut!

[shouting]
Peanut!

[low]
Oh, my God!

[sighs]

Okay...

Please don't be lost! Please
don't be lost! Please don't be lost!

Please don't be lost!

[Peanut barks]

Wait, Peanut, wait! Wait.

Wait!

Wait! Good boy.

Good boy. Good boy.

Just wait there, yes. Yes.

Wait there. Okay. Good boy.

Good boy. Good boy.

Wait there. Don't move.

Good boy. Great!

[low]
Oh, gosh.

[audibly strains]

Ohh.

Okay. Yes! That's it.

Wait there, Peanut.

Wait there.

Yes!

You forgot my dad was in the
Mountain Troop, didn't you, Peanut?

[shotgun cocks]

Got you.

Please! I'm just getting the
dog.

You expect me to believe that?

You are scrumping.
Scrumping for my apples.

Who sent you? Magners? Bulmers?

You city folk will never

be able to make cider like us,
and do you know why?

- Pomace.
- Pomace?

Well, don't worry.
I'm not here for your pomace.

- It's good pomace.
- No, I bet it is, whatever it is,

but I'm not here for your cider.

I'm just here to make sure this stupid dog
doesn't get killed by your electric fence.

Pull the other one!

Everyone round here knows
this fence isn't turned on.

See?

[shotgun blast]

[thud]

[whispers] Oh, my...

Oh, my God!

[whispers]
Oh, my God!

[soft groan]

[laughter]

That's enough from us though,
Gilet.

It's time for you
to start dishing the dirt.

Oh, yeah. Come on, tell us
how our girl's getting on.

Well, okay. Well...

She's... I mean...
I mean, she's great.

She works hard, she plays hard.

- Mm-hmm.
- She's...

She's actually been spending a lot
of time with this guy on her course.

- They seem to be getting on very well.
- Oh?

Mm. Yeah, can't seem
to get enough of each other.

They always make each
other laugh. It seems great.

From the outside.

Well, well, well!
Hayley Taylor, juggling her men!

I knew I'd be
a positive influence on my girl.

- Juggling?
- No. No, she would not do that to Steve.

Who's Steve?

♪ We three kings of Orient are!
One in a taxi, one in a bra! ♪

♪ One on a scooter, pipping his
hooter ♪

♪ Smoking a big cigar! ♪

- ♪ Whoa! ♪
- [Nan groans] Right.

[joyous shouts]

♪ United are effing shite! ♪

Long time no see!

Long time no Steve!

Boys, look who's here!

Steve!

[joyous shouting]

Hey, hey, hey!

That's Lance Corporal Steve to
you.

[Kath chuckles]

[playful shout]

When did you get back? I've sent
all your presents to the barracks!

Aw, you shouldn't have.

Listen, I managed to wrangle
a few days' leave last minute.

The Lions Of England are without
their chief Kingsman till New Year's!

[joyous shouts]

We bumped into him on the way
home,

just in time for Christmas Eve
games!

Christmas Steve games!

Now when H gets back,
Steve will be waiting for her!

- I mean, it's perfect.
- Perfect.

Wait, who is... who is Steve?

You? Who are you?

You must be the mysterious visitor
I've heard so much about. Puffer Jacket?

Yeah. It's Gilet.

Here you go, Steve-O. Stick
that one on.

I'm not too sure this'll fit anymore.
[clicks tongue] Been hitting the gym.

Fiancé?

Surely Hayley told you about
Steve?

No.

No, she-she didn't.

Funnily enough.

Yeah, that is funny.

Yeah, yeah, erm...

Very funny.

You alright, Gilet?

You look like you've
swallowed another coin.

Are you sure you're engaged?

Just a bit, mate.
[chuckles]

Well, um... congratulations.

Yeah, you're right, Geoff.

He is a bit weird.

You're telling me!

- I've got to... I've got to go.
- What, get ready for games night?

No...

- I've just really gotta go.
- What?

Well, you can't go now.
I've just sorted the teams!

You're with me and the olds.
Steve, you're with this lot.

- Let the battle commence!
- Hey-hey-hey!

I hate games night.

[door opens]

Mr Hughes! You're back.

Wait.

What are you doing in there?

That room is strictly out of
bounds!

Oh, Mr Hughes, erm, wait a
minute. Sorry, I just need to tell...

Did you do this?

Mmm.

Why did you do this?

I just thought I'd surprise you.

Like I said, every home
should have a tree at Christmas.

Where's Peanut?

Okay, so that was something
I wanted to talk to you about.

What are you doing down here?

Right, well...

Why have you put a hat on my
dog?

- Come here, boy.
- Mr Hughes, let me explain.

What the bloody hell?

It's just a scratch.

- Let's have a look at it.
- Shotgun went off.

I was on his land, and it's my
fault.

I don't want to hear it! Now just
get out of my sight, both of you!

Alright, boy.

Let's get this silly
bandage off, shall we?

- Mr Hughes...
- How dare you put my dog in danger!

He's in shock, but he's alright.

I think you just need
to chill out a bit.

Don't tell me to chill out!

You have no right to come into
my house and start interfering!

Rearranging and touching her
things!

Oh, Mr Hughes,
I'm so sorry. I didn't think.

Well, you should have.
Now just leave us alone!

[low]
Sorry, lad.

[sighs]
Okay.

Me and Hayley
first hit it off behind a...

- Burger King!
- Come on!

First holiday I came on
with you guys. The best ever.

Devon. No, uh, Greece.
Wait! Spain!

¡Si, Senorita!

[celebratory shouts]

- How good was that holiday?
- Come on, come on!

Next one, next one, next one,
next one!

I smashed my PB
at this last year.

- Iron Man!
- Yes!

[celebratory shouts]

Go on!

Of course, he's done an Iron
Man.

What you ever done,
eh, Puffer Jacket?

A feather man?

[laughter]

A sponge boy?

[laughter]

I'm only messing with you, lad.

Listen, you're up.

You're gonna be with...

Nan.

Right!

- Okay.
- Come on, Mum, here we go!

Go!

Swedish band. Eurovision.

Nan?

Coldplay?

'Waterloo'? 'Dancing Queen'?

I've said Coldplay!

'Mamma Mia'.

Come on, think about it!

Time!

- Unbelievable.
- Yes!

I bloody hate Coldplay.

And that's another big fat zero
for Puffer Jacket.

Call me Puffer Jacket one more
time!

- Ohh!
- Gilet, it's only Christmas games.

- This has been going on all night.
- What are you gonna do about it?

Puffer Jacket!

I don't know, Steve.

Maybe we should take it outside?

- Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
- Boys, boys!

Boys, boys!
There's not going to be a fight.

- Batter him, Steve!
- Mum!

Gilet, that's the cider
talking, right?

- No offence but Steve here...
- In the army, yes, I gathered.

Well, I've got level two
stage combat, so bring it on.

That's the landline.

Nobody ever rings the landline.

- Hello?
- Hey, Mum.

Oh, it's Hayley!

Hayley, love, where are you?

- Don't worry, Mum. I'm on my way home.
- Oh, thank God for that!

Are you...

Are you playing games?

You know us, love.
Christmas Eve games.

I'm so sorry I'm not home yet,
Mum.

- It's not your fault, love.
- No, it is.

I thought I was...

I don't know what I thought.

But believe me, Mum, there
is nowhere else in the world

that I would rather be
than at home with you.

I know, love, I know.

And there is somebody else here
who can't wait to see you!

I'll pass you on to him!

James?

Guess again!

Steve?! What the hell
are you doing there?

I can't wait to see you too,
darling.

We're through. We're through.
I told you months ago.

Yeah, well, your family
don't know that, do they?

How much she's missing you.

- [all] Aww.
- I was waiting to tell them.

Anyway, that is none
of your business.

You're not supposed
to be there at all,

you massive weirdo!

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, God! Is James still there?

- Let me talk to her.
- I've met James. Yeah.

- Lovely fella.
- Let me speak to her.

Steve, get out of there now,
you freak. You've got no right!

- This isn't fair. Steve...
- She had to go.

- I want to talk to her.
- You can't.

- Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.

Yes, I can!

I'm telling you, you can't!

- Geoff!
- Hey!

- She's my girlfriend!
- No, she's mine!

- Not... now!
- Gilet!

At least, I thought she was
mine.

- What?
- Why else do you think I'm here?

I didn't miss my train.

I came to spend Christmas
with the girl I love.

- Hang on, you said you were...
- I'm not gay!

I'm just a really good actor.

What about Ronaldo?

Next thing he'll be telling us
he's not called Gilet.

I'm not called Gilet! My name's
Hubert.

Then who the bloody hell is
James?

- Dad!
- I told you they were shagging.

- Mum!
- No, she would've told me.

- She tells me everything!
- Or maybe she doesn't.

Maybe she's not your little
girl anymore.

And maybe she has got a tattoo.

Well... if you're so bloody
in love with her,

why did you leave her in London?

She's not in London.

- She's in Kemble at my house.
- What?

She chose not to come here.

And I thought it was because she
wanted to spend Christmas with me,

but seeing as she's marrying
Private Plonker here,

maybe she just wanted to get away
from you lot and all this madness.

I'm actually a Lance Corporal.

I don't care if you're
the Grand Old Duke Of York!

All I know is I've been made
to do an awful lot of lying,

and I've been lied to an awful lot and
I've had enough, and I'm going home.

[outer door closes]

I'll put the kettle on.

[telephone rings]

[tearfully]
Steve!

And you said you
couldn't trust me?

James, I need you to
listen to me.

Do you have any idea how
humiliated I feel.

Are you not even gonna let me
talk?

Iris was right.
Like father like son, innit?

You know what, maybe you were
right. Maybe we don't know each other.

I'd say we should split up,
but it turns out...

Hello?

James!

Hayley?

Hello?

Can you hear me? Bloody
landlines!

[Father Christmas]
Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas...!
[voice warps and wanes]

[vocalist] ♪ Just a
lonely, lonely Christmas ♪

♪ What a glad one it would be ♪

♪ If only my lover ♪

[distant siren wails]

♪ Would come back to me ♪

♪ Seems like she's been gone ♪

♪ A thousand years ♪

♪ As the days and nights roll
by ♪

♪ Oh, yes, she's gone away ♪

♪ Oh, tell me why... ♪

[door opens]

Ohh. I'm sorry, sir.

I'm not used to this room
being occupied. I just...

No, no, please, come in.

She saved them all.

The theatre programmes
from his school plays.

Yes, I... I remember her
talking about how good he was.

I didn't make one performance
with Fiona, and then afterwards...

I couldn't face it on my own.

There's so much I haven't been
able to do without her.

All our plans for the estate,
for the...

She was irrepressible, Iris.

So full of life, full of hope.

Every Christmas Eve,
I go and stand by her grave.

She isn't there.

She's in here.

In this room.

Forgotten how beautiful it is.

Well...

all it needed was for somebody to
come along and let a bit of light in.

You know, you and Hubert
are not that different.

You're both drawn towards
the same sort of person.

I think the least you can do is go
upstairs and talk to her, don't you?

[soft knocking on door]

[panting]

[soft wheeze]

[doorbell rings]

Sorry.

I was wondering when you'd
notice.

Well, I should...

You any good at wrapping?

I always thought Steve was
a bit of a knob, truth be told.

But you put a brave face on things when
your daughter says she likes someone.

Find us the end of that,
will you, mate?

Ta.

After you left, he burst into
tears.

[chuckles]

Said Hayley had split up with
him just before she went to London,

but was afraid to tell her mum.

Unbelievable.

I've got to admit, I'm relieved.

Kath was upset, mind.

Took herself off to bed before the
end of Muppets Christmas Carol.

Was she fond of Steve?

He was stationed away most of the
time, so we never saw that much of him.

Can you just stick your finger
there?

I think it's more the fact that she
couldn't face losing her little girl.

If Hayley's with Steve...
[spits]

then there's a chance
that she might come back here

and build a life for herself,
you know?

Not down there in that hell
hole with the likes of you.

I guess that's why
she didn't say anything.

Oh... erm...

- Give it here, Geoff.
- Yeah, thanks, mate.

Pigs ear of that.

[heavy sigh]

I always used to love doing
the wrapping with my mum.

When did you lose her?

It's four years now.

- Four years to the day.
- Oh, I'm sorry, fella.

We'd just run out of cranberry
sauce...

and my mum insisted on doing
a last-minute drive to the shops.

She hit some black ice at a
junction, and that was that.

I can still see her heading out
the door saying, 'I'll be right back.'

And she never was.

Oh, mate.

Well, it's been 15 years now
for me with my dad.

I wish I could say it goes
away, but...

never really does.

Especially at Christmas.

After it happened,
I wanted to stick around, but...

my dad sent me straight back
to boarding school,

and the whole house
sort of shut down.

By the time I left, he... he
wouldn't even look me in the eye.

I started to feel like
I'd lost both my parents.

The truth is, as much as I
wanted to be here with Hayley...

an even bigger part of me just
wanted a proper family Christmas again.

If only it were that simple, eh?

I'd be straight round
the Dillons' up the road.

They have a 'tur-duck-en'.

A duck in a turkey in a goose!

But that's the ball ache, isn't
it, eh?

You don't get to choose your
family.

But for my money, those
Christmases

when there's only a chicken for
dinner...

they're normally the most
important Christmases of all.

Oh, bugger!

I forgot to drop off
the Dillons' tur-duck-en!

[laughter]

Cheers!

Cheers.

[Peanut barks]

Find her, boy!

Find her!

[panting]

[Peanut barking]

Good boy!
Peanut! Good boy!

Good boy!

Here!

It's a good job that dog
can't get enough of you, eh?

- [puffs inhaler]
- Now, come on.

Let's get you back in the warm.

Right.

Come on, Peanut. Home, boy!

[electronic 'Jingle Bells'
plays]

Morning, dear.

[whispering]
Meet me outside in five.

There's something I want to
show you.

Oh... and Merry Christmas!

[soft chuckle]

[music ends, James grunts]

[brakes screech]

[horn honks]

As Santa said to Rudolph,
'Let's ride!'

- Amazing.
- I can't see a bloody thing in these.

Right in you hop, Gilet.
Your chariot awaits.

Thank you!

Where do you think you're going?

Eh?

Oh, I'll be back in time
for turkey, love.

Geoff, it's Christmas morning!

We've spent enough time
apart as a family.

Now, Kath, listen...

You go, we all go!

[musical intro plays]

Boys, come on!

[Geoff] Now, don't worry about
the snow. I've modified the van.

Oh, shit!

[vocalist]
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go ♪

♪ Laughing all the way ♪

♪ Bells on bob-tails ring,
yeah! ♪

♪ Making spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it is to ride and
sing ♪

♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪

Oh, my God!

♪ I said, jingle bells! ♪

♪ Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way! ♪

Flipping Nora, Gilet! You're
loaded.

Hello, dear boy!

- Iris!
- Oh, my goodness!

- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

How are you?

Everyone, this is Iris.
She's our housekeeper.

Really loaded!

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Oh, yeah.

Hayley plays her cards right, she'll
pull off a proper Meghan Markle.

- I'm sorry I'm not dressed yet.
- Is Dad up?

And where's Hayley?

Erm...

how can I put this?

Bloody Macclesfield!

Bloody Christmas Day!

Bloody ten-hour round trip
in the bloody snow!

[Hayley] Still can't believe
you persuaded him to do this.

Well, the upside of someone
shooting your dog

is that they then owe you
a very big favour.

Mr Hughes...

Please... Humphrey.

Humphrey.

I'm sorry for overstepping
the mark. I just...

wasn't thinking.

And I'm really sorry
Peanut got injured.

Well, I'm sorry if I
overreacted.

Peanut was my wife's dog and...
well, I lost her, and...

Since then, he's become the
biggest part of her I have left.

James didn't really tell me
that much about his mum

but... sounds like she was
a really special person.

And he didn't tell me much
about you either, to be fair.

I think what we had helped him
escape a lot of things.

What you had?

Looks that way, yeah.

And I know it's not my place to
say,

but surely the biggest part of
her that you've got left isn't Peanut.

It's James.

Hubert.

Hubert.

[engine sputters and dies]

What?

What is wrong? Whoa, whoa!
Steady girl on, old girl!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

[loud complaint]

[resounding scream]

Good night, my beautiful girl.

You were the only one
I had left to talk to.

Well, you could always come up
to the house and talk to me.

No, thank you.

I know where I'm not welcome.

It's not my house anymore.

Oh, here we go again.

What kind of a son throws
his own father out on the streets

to avoid a little inheritance
tax?

I didn't throw you out.

You chose to leave.

And as far as being 'out
on the street' is concerned...

Hang on a minute!
You're father and son?

Only when His Grace isn't
playing at being Worzel Gummidge.

And only when His Lordship's
not being a selfish arsehole.

Ah.

Yeah, yeah. I guess
I can see the similarities.

I don't think
that was called for, do you?

Well, no...

And I thought my family
were weird, Peanut.

Looks like I'm not going home
for Christmas after all.

[distant calliope music plays]

Is that...

[horn honks]

Oh, my God, no way.

No way, no way!

- [Geoff laughs]
- Dad!

Well, what the bloody hell
are you lot doing out here?

[joyous shouting]

- I can't believe it!
- Iris?

Mum!

I'm so sorry about Steve.

You seemed so happy. I just
didn't want to let you down.

No.

Never mind me. We've got
plenty of time for that later.

I don't think I'm the one that
you need to be saying sorry to.

So...

So.

- Shall we just, erm...
- Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Shall we...

Shall we just start again?

I'm Hubert James
Manningham-Hughes.

307th in line to the throne.

I'm Haylo the Street Witch.

First in line for this Mr
Whippy van.

Look, about Steve...

- You don't have to apologise.
- No, but I do want you to understand.

I understand.

I live with lots of family
expectations too.

And I'm sorry... that I lied.

I was...

just having so much fun with
you, I didn't want to scare you off.

Well, I don't scare that easily.

I nearly got shot by your
granddad!

[soft chuckle]

Well, I was mugged by your
brothers,

groped by your aunt,
and choked by your nan.

So...

let's just say it's been a real
pleasure getting to know you

since the last time we were
together.

You too.

And I would love to get
to know you even more.

Well... you... will.

[romantic music rises]

[knocking on window]

Here they come, eh? The love
birds.

Right. The troops need to be
fed.

Oh, yes, there's plenty of food
in the larder back at the house.

And I don't know about anyone
else,

but I could certainly do
with some mulled wine.

Well, I'm more of a spiced rum
man myself.

[laughter]

Oh, God, wait a minute!

What?

Nan!

Where the bloody hell is
everyone?

[vocalists] ♪ Christmas ♪ -
[vocalist] ♪ The snow's coming down ♪

♪ Christmas... ♪

- Get him, get him, get him!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, boys!

- Boys!
- Take it outside!

Give us a hand there will you,
Dad?

No! No chores for me
this year, remember?

- Where's your colander?
- Up there, that top cupboard up there.

Christ Almighty!

Yeah, don't ask. Every
single year, every single year!

You can't have enough colanders!

Well, they're lively, aren't
they?

Watch out!

Get out my way! Move!

So...

Are you going to avoid me all
day?

[James clears throat]

I'm... I'm sorry...

I... I can't be the hero that
you are.

And I know what you've
taught me about duty...

Well, if you know that, then
you should know how easy it is

for me to have you reinstated
at Sandhurst next term

and have your accounts and
assets frozen

until you receive
your officer's commission.

Dad!

But most of all you should know
that...

I don't intend to do any of
those things.

You see, you're not the only
member of this family that can act.

I was a very fetching Lady
Macbeth in my senior year.

There is only... one duty that
I have

that matters to me...

and I have been neglecting
that for some time.

Your mum would have
been very proud of you.

I am... proud of you.

And I'll tell you something else,
she would have absolutely loved her.

[tapping bottle]

Alright, everyone, grub's up!

Right, I've got the parsnips
here.

Erm, go sit down the end.

Who are you again?

That smells good.

Here we go!

- [cheers]
- Make some room.

Oh, sorry about that.

A toast to friends and family,

old and new.

And to those no longer with us

who remain in our hearts
forever.

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

And to the Dillons' tur-duck-en!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas, James.
- I'm more of a goose man myself.

Oh, God.

- Get a drop of this down yer!
- What do you say, Humph?

- New Year's Eve round yours?
- Oh, yes! Why not?

Hey, hey! Good man!

I can show you my pomace.

And I'll show you my tattoo.

I do love you, James Hughes.

I love you, Hayley Taylor.

Wow! You're not blushing.

I know.

Hey, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Right, everyone ready?

- It's on a timer.
- Okay, let's go!

- Three, two...
- Up we get!

One!

Merry Christmas!

♪ Can we be together, babe? ♪

♪ Gingerbread and quiet towns ♪

♪ It's midnight and we're
flying now ♪

♪ Slow dance in your parents'
house ♪

♪ Together at last ♪

♪ Now you're back, I swear it's
true ♪

♪ I'm never ever leaving you ♪

♪ Oh, this year till we're 82 ♪

♪ Christmas Day is ours ♪

- ♪ Till it's time ♪
- ♪ It's time ♪

- ♪ For goodbye ♪
- ♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ And we both run off into
the night ♪ - ♪ The night ♪

♪ And I hope ♪

♪ That you know ♪

♪ I wanna the deck the halls ♪

♪ Hang mistletoe around ya ♪

♪ So when I sing 'Last
Christmas' ♪

♪ I hope it's my last without
ya ♪

♪ So you should listen up ♪

♪ 'Cause this wish is about ya ♪

♪ Can we have forever ♪

♪ Or at least can we be
together, babe For Christmas? ♪

♪ Or at least can we be
together, babe For Christmas? ♪

♪ Can we be together, babe ♪

♪ Together, babe, for
Christmas? ♪

[vocalist] ♪ Rockin'
around the Christmas tree ♪

♪ At the Christmas party hop ♪

♪ Mistletoe hung where you can
see ♪

♪ Every couple tries to stop ♪

♪ Rockin' around the Christmas
tree ♪

♪ Let the Christmas spirit ring
♪

♪ Later we'll have some pumpkin
pie ♪

♪ And we'll do some carolling ♪

♪ You will get a sentimental
feeling ♪

♪ When you hear ♪

♪ Voices singing, let's be
jolly ♪

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of
holly ♪

♪ Rockin' around the Christmas
tree ♪

♪ Have a happy holiday ♪

♪ Everyone dancing merrily ♪

♪ In the new old-fashioned way ♪

♪ Oh, you will get a
sentimental feeling ♪

♪ When you hear ♪

♪ Voices singing, let's be
jolly ♪

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of
holly ♪

♪ Rockin' around the Christmas
tree ♪

♪ Have a happy holiday ♪

♪ Everyone dancing merrily ♪

♪ In the new old-fashioned way ♪

[vocalists sing]