You Only Live Until You Die (1997) - full transcript
Rod Steele (aka Agent 0014) is anything but the world's greatest super spy, but when diabolical villainess Tangerina threatens the world again, he's the world's last and only hope.
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Woman: OOH!
[MOANING]
[MOANING]
Man: SO, WHAT YOU
HAVE TO DO
IS JUST LAY BACK
A LITTLE BIT,
GIVE THE GUYS A CHANCE,
AND MAYBE YOU'LL
COME OUT OF IT
IN ONE PIECE.
IN ONE PIECE.
I'M ONLY GONNA TELL YA
ONE MORE TIME:
YOU CAN SELL DRUGS
TO FIFTH GRADERS,
BUT DON'T
SNATCH ANY KIDS
BELOW THE SEVENTH GRADE.
OUR WHITE
SLAVERY
CLIENTELE
LIKES GIRLS
TO HAVE AT LEAST
REACHED PUBERTY.
[DUCK QUACKING]
WHAT?
NO!
GUNS ARE FOR ALL AGES.
NO DISCRIMINATION THERE.
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[QUACKING]
[QUACKING]
"YOUR GOOSE IS COOKED"?
"YOUR GOOSE IS COOKED"?
[EXPLOSION]
[EXPLOSION]
MY GOD. WHO ARE YOU?
MY GOD. WHO ARE YOU?
STEELE. ROD STEELE.
DOUBLE-O-14.
DOUBLE-O-14.
I ALWAYS KNEW
THIS DAY WOULD COME.
I ALWAYS KNEW
THIS DAY WOULD COME.
THE DAY WHEN
YOUR DRUG-DEALING,
WHITE-SLAVING,
CHILD-KILLING STEPFATHER
WAS PUT TO SLEEP
BY THE SECRET SERVICE?
NO, THAT I WOULD BE
SEXUALLY RAVISHED
BY THE WORLD'S GREATEST
SECRET AGENT.
WELL, US SECRET AGENTS
ARE ALWAYS
UP FOR A CHALLENGE.
WHY DON'T YOU GET OUT
OF THOSE WET CLOTHES
AND JOIN ME.
AND JOIN ME.
HI-YAH!
[CLANK]
[GRUNTS]
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
HI-YAH!
HI-YAH!
[MOANING]
AAH.
AAH.
UNH.
UNH.
WHERE WERE WE?
WHERE WERE WE?
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
UNH.
UNH.
UNH.
UNH.
OH.
Man: WAH!
Man: WAH!
OHHH...
OHHH...
[BONE CRACKS]
HI-YAH!
HI-YAH!
[MOANING]
[MOANING]
[BEEP BEEP]
STEELE, THIS IS O.
Rod: I'M A LITTLE
BUSY RIGHT NOW.
O: I DON'T CARE.
WE NEED YOU.
THERE'S ANOTHER ASSIGNMENT.
BUT I BARELY
FINISHED THIS ONE.
I'M NOT GOING TO FEEL SORRY
FOR EMPLOYED SECRET AGENT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW MANY PEOPLE
WE'VE LET GO THIS MONTH?
OH!
O: WHAT?
OH!
O: WHAT?
OH!
WHAT?
[MOANING]
[MOANING]
[SCREAM ECHOING]
[SCREAM ECHOING]
AHH, THAT WAS WONDERFUL.
I SHOULD DO THAT
MORE OFTEN.
WHAT ABOUT--
SORRY, MAYBE NEXT TIME,
BIG BOY.
SORRY, MAYBE NEXT TIME,
BIG BOY.
O: AND THAT'S ALL
I'M GOING TO SAY.
COME RIGHT NOW.
LIKE IT'S THAT EASY.
LIKE IT'S THAT EASY.
?? ROD STEELE IS HIS NAME ??
?? AND DEATH IS HIS GAME ??
?? HE'LL KILL
AND HE'LL MAIM ??
?? WITH A LAUGH ??
?? WITH A LAUGH ??
?? AND AFTER A CARAFE ??
?? HE'LL KILL YOUR GIRAFFE ?
?
?? HE'S STEEL THROUGH
AND THROUGH YOU WILL FIND ??
?? THAT HE'S LOST HIS MIND ?
?
?? THAT HE'S LOST HIS MIND ?
?
?? ROD STEELE WILL NOT RUN ?
?
?? HE'S JUST TOO DAMN DUMB ?
?
?? HE'LL STAND UP
AND FIGHT ??
?? IF HE CAN ??
?? IF HE CAN ??
?? HE'S DRUNK AS A SKUNK ??
?? A BIG, MANLY HUNK ??
?? THE CLICKER
WILL CONQUER THE WORLD ??
?? THE CLICKER
WILL CONQUER THE WORLD ??
?? ROD STEELE IS A MAN ??
?? HIS OWN BIGGEST FAN ??
?? HE LIKES LOVE AND DEATH ?
?
?? BUT DON'T DARE
SMELL HIS BREATH ??
?? AND HIS BRAIN'S
IN HIS GUN ??
?? AND HE DOES IT FOR FUN ??
?? SO PROTECT YOUR GIRAFFE ?
?
?? FROM ROD STEELE ??
?? FROM ROD STEELE ??
?? ROD STEELE ??
?? ROD STEELE ??
?? ROD STEELE ??
?? ROD STEELE ??
GREAT FAKE FACADE, P.
GREAT FAKE FACADE, P.
P: YOU LIKE IT?
HA!
UNFORTUNATELY,
THAT'S ALL
THE AGENCY
COULD AFFORD.
THAT'S ALL
THE AGENCY
COULD AFFORD.
WHAT HAPPENED?
BUDGET CUTS
LEFT AND RIGHT.
THEY'VE EVEN CUT OUR
HEALTH INSURANCE.
OH, LOOK HERE,
STEELE,
THIS AGENCY
REALLY NEEDS A GOOD,
OLD-FASHIONED,
SAVE-THE-WORLD
TYPE OF CASE.
I HAD NO IDEA
THINGS WERE SO BAD.
WHERE'S O, P?
THEY'RE NOT PAYING
OVERTIME ANYMORE.
HERE'S
THE CASE HISTORY,
AND O MADE THIS TAPE
FOR YOU.
YOU CAN LISTEN TO IT
ON THE PLANE.
WHERE AM I GOING?
PRAGUE.
YOU'RE TRAVELING BY
[CLEARS THROAT] COACH.
COACH?
YES. BE GRATEFUL
IT'S NOT BY BOAT.
NOW THEN, I'VE, UH,
DESIGNED A FEW
GADGETS FOR YOU
THAT MAY
COME IN HANDY
ON THIS TRIP, EH?
[CHUCKLES]
UH...
TENNIS SHOES.
WHAT DO THEY DO?
THEY COMFORT YOUR FEET.
THEY COME IN VERY HANDY
IN CASE YOU HAVE TO RUN.
NOW, DON'T LOOK AT ME
LIKE THAT, STEELE.
I TOLD YOU.
WE'VE CUT BACK
TO THE BARE ESSENTIALS.
NOW THEN,
THERE'S
A TOOTHBRUSH,
AN ALARM CLOCK
IN CASE YOU
OVERSLEEP, EH?
OH, AND A FOUNTAIN PEN
THAT SHOOTS INK
IF YOU SHAKE IT UP,
SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
WELL, WHAT IS IT NOW?
I MISS ALL THE TOYS--
THE GRENADE POOL BALLS,
THE LASER-CUTTING
WEDDING RING,
THE ACID-LACED POSTAGE STAMP.
OH, YES. WELL,
UH...[LAUGHS]
THIS MIGHT
CHEER YOU UP, EH?
WHAT IS IT, A BEEPER?
NO, NO, NO.
I'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THIS ON THE SIDE.
SEE, IT'S A COMPACT
SELF-DEFENSE/
SURVEILLANCE SYSTEM.
SEE, THE ANTENNAE
WILL PICK UP
CONVERSATIONS
AT OVER 100 FEET
DISTANCE.
THIS DIAL
ON THE FRONT HERE
IS A HEAT-SENSITIVE
DIAL.
IT PICKS UP
BODY HEAT.
SO, IF YOU'RE
CREEPING ABOUT
AT NIGHT,
YOU'LL KNOW IF
THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE
OUT THERE, EH?
NOW, THE KNOB
ON THE BACK DROPS
A NERVE GAS PELLET.
THE KNOB ON THE SIDE
SHOOTS A DART
FROM THE ANTENNAE,
WHICH CAUSES
INSTANT PARALYSIS
WHICH LASTS
FOR UP TO 3 MINUTES.
YOU'VE OUTDONE
YOURSELF, P.
WELL, SOMEBODY
HAS TO HELP SOMEBODY
SAVE THE WORLD, EH, ROD?
THERE'S NOTHING BETTER
THAN HAVING A GOOD P.
YES--
HMM. WELL,
GOOD-BYE,
DOUBLE-O-14.
GOOD-BYE,
DOUBLE-O-14.
HOP IN, ROD.
PENNYWORTH?
YOU'RE MY DRIVER?
SOMEBODY HAS TO DRIVE
THE CAR BACK FROM THE AIRPORT.
THE AGENCY STOPPED
PAYING FOR PARKING.
THE AGENCY STOPPED
PAYING FOR PARKING.
I'M SURPRISED THEY
KEPT YOU ON STAFF.
WELL, ROD,
I GIVE GREAT HEAD.
WELL, ROD,
I GIVE GREAT HEAD.
I'M KIDDING.
[CHUCKLES]
I'M KIDDING.
I'M KIDDING.
Rod: I KNOW.
Rod: I KNOW.
I'D LIKE
A VODKA MARTINI,
SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED,
WITH A TOUCH
OF LEMON
AND ONE GREEN OLIVE
ON A WOODEN
TOOTHPICK,
PREFERABLY IMPORTED
FROM SOMEWHERE
IN THE ORIENT.
I--I DON'T THINK
OUR TOOTHPICKS
ARE FROM THE ORIENT.
ALL RIGHT.
SKIP THE OLIVE
AND GIVE ME
THE LEMON
ON THE SIDE.
THE LEMON
ON THE SIDE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
PROFESSOR KRANTZ?
I'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR YOUR CALL.
I'VE DECIDED WHAT TO DO
WITH THE CLICKER.
I'M TAKING IT
BACK HOME WITH ME.
I'M DISMANTLING IT
FOR SCIENTIFIC STUDY.
THIS THING IS
JUST TOO DANGEROUS
TO BE FLOATING
AROUND THE WORLD.
SEX DRIVES
ARE SO FRAGILE.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
I AM GREAT IN BED.
I WANT TO KNOW.
WHO'S BEEN
SAYING OTHERWISE?
NOBODY, PENNYWORTH.
IT COMES
WITH EXPERIENCE.
WHEN YOU'VE BEEN
WITH AS MANY WOMEN
AS I HAVE,
YOU GET
TO KNOW TYPES.
THE NICE GIRL TYPE
AND THE NOT-SO-NICE.
OH, AND I'M TOO NICE
TO ENGAGE IN ANY WILD
SEXUAL ACTIVITY?
I DON'T KNOW.
BE CAREFUL, ROD.
I COULD SURPRISE YOU
ONE OF THESE DAYS.
I'M AFRAID I'M BEYOND
THE POINT OF SURPRISE,
MY DEAR MISS PENNYWORTH.
IT COMES WITH THE JOB.
AAH!
AAH!
CHRIST, I COULD'VE
KILLED YOU.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[PANTING]
BARTENDER, BRING ME
A TOWEL IMMEDIATELY.
BARTENDER, BRING ME
A TOWEL IMMEDIATELY.
NOT THE TYPE, HUH?
I WISH I WAS THE TYPE.
SHOW HIM A THING OR TWO.
SHOW HIM A THING OR TWO.
[GROANING]
[GROANING]
DR. KRANTZ,
I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
UH, BYE.
UH, BYE.
WHERE'S THE TOWEL?
WHERE'S THE TOWEL?
JUST ONE MOMENT.
JUST ONE MOMENT.
WHAT TYPE
WOULD YOU SAY I AM?
MY TYPE.
GOOD ANSWER.
GOOD ANSWER.
DRINKS ARE ON ME.
DRINKS ARE ON ME.
[PLATE SMASHES]
[PLATE SMASHES]
[MOANING]
[MOANING]
[BOTTLES SMASH]
[BOTTLES SMASH]
Bartender:
OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT,
PENNYWORTH.
PRACTICE
MAKES PERFECT.
P.A.: THIS IS
THE FINAL BOARDING CALL
FOR FLIGHT 007 TO PRAGUE.
PASSENGERS FOR PRAGUE,
PLEASE BOARD NOW.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU
WHEN I GET BACK.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU
WHEN I GET BACK.
I'LL SHOW HIM PRACTICE.
I'LL SHOW HIM PRACTICE.
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
[ALARM WAILS]
[ALARM WAILS]
Rod: FORGOT TO LEAVE
MY GARAGE DOOR OPENER
AT HOME.
BEVERLY HILLS HOME.
[BEEP]
[ALARM WAILS]
[ALARM WAILS]
Policeman: I KNOW.
A GARAGE DOOR OPENER.
COME ON.
COME ON.
P.A.: ATTENTION,
ALL AIRPORT SECURITY.
ANOTHER LITTLE BOY
IS STUCK IN THE X-RAY
MACHINE AT GATE 9.
THIRD ONE THIS WEEK.
PERSONALLY, I THINK IT
HAS TO DO WITH GENETICS.
I HATE THOSE THINGS.
WITH A NAME LIKE STEELE,
YOU GET USED TO IT.
I SEE.
I SEE.
[BEEP]
UNH.
UNH.
P.A.: FLIGHT 007
IS NOW CLOSED.
FLIGHT 007 IS NOW CLOSED.
FLIGHT 007 IS NOW CLOSED.
Woman: SIR, STOP.
YOU CAN'T
GO IN THERE.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
YOU JUST CAN'T
GO IN THERE.
THE PLANE
HAS ALREADY LEFT.
THE PLANE
HAS ALREADY LEFT.
EXCUSE ME.
THE PLANE
THAT JUST LEFT
FROM GATE 8,
WHERE IS IT HEADED?
UH, PRAGUE.
PRAGUE? WELL, UH,
BOOK ME ON THE NEXT
FLIGHT TO PRAGUE.
BOOK ME ON THE NEXT
FLIGHT TO PRAGUE.
O: WELCOME BACK, STEELE.
NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY.
UNFORTUNATELY, THIS TAPE
DOESN'T SELF-DESTRUCT.
THAT STOCK'S
GOTTEN WAY TOO EXPENSIVE,
SO IF YOU COULD
JUST ERASE THIS TAPE
AND MAIL IT BACK,
THE AGENCY
WOULD APPRECIATE IT.
NOW, YOU ARE TO KEEP
A CLOSE WATCH ON THIS WOMAN,
MISS TANGERINA.
NO LAST NAME.
DON'T LET
HER APPEARANCE FOOL YOU.
SHE'S NICKNAMED
"THE SWEET TASTE OF DEATH."
A POWERFUL WOMAN, STEELE,
AND LIKE MOST
POWERFUL PEOPLE,
THEY WANT TO
TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
WE'RE NOT SURE
HOW SHE PLANS TO DO IT YET,
SO THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN.
CHECK OUT
THE REDLIGHT DISTRICT
WHEN YOU ARRIVE IN PRAGUE.
AGENT 0013
WAS SENT IN THERE
UNDERCOVER LAST WEEK,
AND WE'VE ALREADY
LOST CONTACT WITH HER.
THE SAFETY OF THE WORLD
LIES IN YOUR HANDS
AGAIN, STEELE.
PLEASE DON'T FUCK IT UP.
PLEASE DON'T FUCK IT UP.
GOOD EVENING.
ARE YOU IN THE MOOD
FOR SOME COMPANY TONIGHT?
NO, JUST SOME
COMPANIONSHIP.
YES. WELL, A BIG,
HANDSOME MAN LIKE YOU,
I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE.
SHOW ME.
SHOW ME.
ARE YOU INSANE,
WOMAN?
GIRLS.
I LIKE GIRLS.
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS.
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS.
WELL, IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.
YOU SHOULD HAVE
COME BY A WEEK AGO
BEFORE THAT DAMN PARTY.
WHAT HAPPENED?
MISS TANGERINA
HELD A GATHERING IN CANNES.
HIRED MY GIRLS,
EVERY SINGLE ONE.
AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED AT THAT PARTY,
BUT IT SPOILED THEM.
THEY QUIT.
THEY'RE EMPLOYED
BY TANGERINA NOW.
SHE PUT THE ENTIRE
REDLIGHT DISTRICT
OUT OF BUSINESS.
NOW I CAN ONLY HIRE MEN,
AND AS YOU CAN SEE,
IT'S NOT GOING VERY WELL.
I BELIEVE THE PROBLEM
LIES IN THE GENES.
THAT TANGERINA BITCH.
YOU KNOW,
SHE ALREADY HAS CONTROL
OVER THE RESTAURANTS
AND THE CASINOS
IN MONTE CARLO.
NOW SHE HAS
THE MONOPOLY ON SEX.
WHAT'S A MADAM TO DO?
DIE!
[FIRING
AUTOMATIC WEAPON]
[FIRING
AUTOMATIC WEAPON]
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO
MADAMS WHO TALK TOO MUCH.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO
MADAMS WHO TALK TOO MUCH.
[ALARM CLOCK BEEPING]
TIME'S UP.
TIME'S UP.
[TURNS OFF ALARM CLOCK]
WELL, THANK GOODNESS
YOU WERE HERE.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE
WITH THAT
ALARM CLOCK.
JUST LUCKILY HAD
THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE JOB.
WELL, I WOULD NEVER
HAVE HIRED HER
IF I KNEW SHE
WAS GOING TO PULL
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
SHE WORKS FOR YOU?
YES. I HIRED HER
LAST WEEK,
BUT THEN SHE QUIT TO
WORK FOR TANGERINA,
LIKE ALL THE OTHERS.
WELL, I'D LIKE
TO TALK TO HER.
CAN I USE
ONE OF YOUR BACK ROOMS?
OF COURSE.
AND I'LL GIVE YOU
HALF-PRICE. $200.
BUT I JUST WANT
TO TALK TO THE GIRL.
I ALREADY GAVE YOU
SAVED-MY-LIFE
DISCOUNT.
YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.
YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.
[ALARM CLOCK BEEPS]
MOMMY,
ONE MORE HOUR, PLEASE.
P COMES
THROUGH AGAIN.
P COMES
THROUGH AGAIN.
WHERE AM I?
NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN, DOUBLE-O-13.
AND TO SEE
SO MUCH OF YOU.
ROD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
STOPPING YOU FROM
KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE.
WOULD YOU CARE
TO EXPLAIN WHAT JUST
HAPPENED BACK THERE?
WHAT DID I DO?
BEFORE, DURING,
OR AFTER THE GUN-CRAZED
SHOOTING SPREE?
I DON'T KNOW.
EVERYTHING'S A BLUR
SINCE I LEFT TANGERINA'S.
DID TANGERINA
SEND YOU HERE
TO KILL MADAM GRETA
OR DID YOU
JUST REALLY HATE
THE INTERIOR DESIGN
OF THIS PLACE?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T REMEMBER.
CHEAP PAPER CURTAINS,
TACKY PICTURES
ON THE WALL,
UGLY VELVETEEN COUCH.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
QUIET.
PRETEND YOU'RE
BRAINWASHED.
ROD, I THINK
IWASBRAINWASHED.
ROD, I THINK
IWASBRAINWASHED.
YOU'VE TALKED ENOUGH.
IT'S MY TURN.
HOW DARE YOU
TRY TO KILL ME.
I SHOULD HAVE
CALLED THE POLICE
A LONG TIME AGO.
I'M SORRY. I HAD NO CONTROL
OVER WHAT I WAS DOING.
IT WAS LIKE AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE
GOING THROUGH MY SYSTEM.
MEXICAN FOOD.
MEXICAN FOOD.
I MAKE DEAL.
YOU TAKE MY NEXT CLIENT,
AND I WON'T
GO TO POLICE.
I--
GOOD. DEAL.
BE NICE.
HE'S VERY RICH.
HE WORKS IN THE CASINOS
IN MONTE CARLO.
I GET HIM.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
WHEN IN ROME.
WE'RE NOT IN ROME.
WE'RE IN A SLEAZY BROTHEL.
LOOK, YOU'VE CALLED
TOO MUCH ATTENTION
TO US AS IT IS.
TRY TO GET
SOME INFORMATION
OUT OF THIS GUY
ABOUT THE CASINO.
MEANWHILE, I'LL BE
OUTSIDE LISTENING
JUST IN CASE THINGS
GET OUT OF HAND.
I KNEW I SHOULD'VE
NEVER TAKEN THIS COVER.
I MAKE A TERRIBLE WHORE.
OH, BUT YOU MAKE
A FANTASTIC WHORE.
I COULD GO
WHORE HUNTING FOR WEEKS
AND NEVER FIND ANYONE
AS GOOD AS YOU.
THOSE OTHER SLUTS
PALE IN COMPARISON.
BELIEVE ME, BELL,
YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE
NUMBER ONE WHORE
IN MY BOOK.
FEEL BETTER?
UNH.
OOH. UNH.
OOH. UNH.
YEAH.
A ROUGH ONE.
GOOD.
YOU'RE A
LUCKY MAN.
YOU'RE A
LUCKY MAN.
GOOD EVENING,
FRAULEIN.
GOOD EVENING,
FRAULEIN.
HELLO.
NICE TO MAKE
YOUR ACQUAINTANCE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
SO, UM, I, UH,
HEAR YOU WORK
AT THE CASINO
TANGERINA TOWERS.
IT'S THE HAPPIEST
PLACE ON EARTH.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I THOUGHT THAT
WAS WALLY WORLD.
THAT DEPENDS
ON YOUR DEFINITION
OF HAPPINESS.
THAT DEPENDS
ON YOUR DEFINITION
OF HAPPINESS.
UM, LOOK,
I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
I-I'M A LITTLE
NEW AT THIS.
OH, THAT'S OK.
I DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
OH, THAT'S OK.
I DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
Man: YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
YEAH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
[PUNCH]
Man: YEAH.
COME ON.
Man: YEAH.
COME ON.
[PUNCH]
HIT ME LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
THAT I CAN DO.
THAT I CAN DO.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
UNH.
[MOANING]
OH, GOD.
OH, GOD.
OH. OH.
OH, YEAH.
OH, GOD.
[MOANING]
OH, GOD.
YOU ARE GOOD AT THIS.
IT'S THIS FEELING...
I FEEL...
I FEEL...
[GASPING]
OH.
WHAT IS IT YOU FEEL?
OH, I FEEL--
OH, I FEEL
LIKE TAKING
THIS SEX DRIVE
FOR A SPIN.
Man: YEAH.
[GROANING]
DO IT TO ME,
YOU GORGEOUS GERMAN
JACKHAMMER.
YOU GORGEOUS GERMAN
JACKHAMMER.
TELL ME...
TELL YOU...
WHEN DOES TANGERINA
GO TO HER CASINO?
OH. YEAH.
TELL ME.
OOH.
TELL ME.
AAH. 10:00.
ON FRIDAYS.
YEAH.
[MOANING]
[MOANING]
Man: OH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.
Man:
YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.
Man:
YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.
WAY TO GO, DOUBLE-O-13.
DID YOU PAY MADAM GRETA
TO LISTEN?
I'M SORRY. DID YOU
SAY SOMETHING?
WE GO SEE MADAM GRETA NOW.
YES.
YES.
I WARN YOU,
I KNOW HOW TO USE THIS.
I KNOW HOW TO USE THIS.
FUCK YOU.
UNH.
UNH.
EAT THIS,
YOU SWEDISH MEATBALL.
EAT THIS,
YOU SWEDISH MEATBALL.
[BONES CRACKING]
[BONES CRACKING]
THANK YOU, MY DEAR.
I OWE YOU ONE.
I OWE YOU ONE.
BELL,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE
I'M DOING?
I'M PUMPING ANSWERS
OUT OF HIM.
AMONG OTHER THINGS.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
COME ON,
LET'S CHECK
INTO A HOTEL.
LET'S CHECK
INTO A HOTEL.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
UH, WHAT'S OUR
COVER GOING TO BE?
DEFINITELY
A HONEYMOON COUPLE.
OK.
OK.
[THUNDER]
[THUNDER]
PUSSY L'AMOUR
REPORTING IN, MISTRESS.
YES, MY LITTLE PUSSY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WELL,
WORSHIPPER BELL HAS
FAILED IN HER MISSION
TO KILL MADAM GRETA.
DID SHE TALK?
WE THINK SO.
THERE WAS AN AMERICAN
THERE ASKING QUESTIONS.
BELL LEFT WITH HIM.
HIS NAME WAS STEELE.
ROD STEELE.
YES, MR. STEELE.
SECRET AGENT DOUBLE-0-14.
I KNOW HIS WORK.
FIND HIM AND KILL HIM.
ANY METHOD I CHOOSE?
SURE. WHY NOT?
OH, BUT BRING BACK
A FULL CONTAINER OF HIM.
HE WOULD MAKE
A WONDERFUL ADDITION
TO MY COLLECTION.
DO I HAVE TO
BE THE ONE
TO COLLECT
HIS SPECIMEN?
NO. TAKE AREOLA
AND FANNY,
AND MAYBE DICK'LL
COME IN HANDY.
I DON'T NEED ANY DICK.
DON'T FAIL ME, PUSSY.
STRETCH DOES NOT
LIKE FAILURES.
STRETCH DOES NOT
LIKE FAILURES.
[ON TELEPHONE]
YES, IT'S FEZ.
I'VE JUST LANDED
IN PRAGUE.
I DON'T KNOW.
HIS NAME IS STEELE.
PROBABLY JUST
ANOTHER BUSINESSMAN
ON A COMPANY TRIP.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL LOCATE HIM
AND GET BACK
THE CLICKER.
HE SEEMED LIKE
A NICE GUY.
I'M SURE I WON'T HAVE
ANY MAJOR PROBLEMS.
THESE SUITS
ARE ALL THE SAME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
[CHUCKLES]
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
[CHUCKLES]
I KNOW WE'RE POSING
AS A COUPLE OF HONEYMOONERS,
BUT DID YOU HAVE TO
BE SO EXPLICIT
ABOUT MY SEXUAL TASTE
TO THE DESK CLERK?
I'M SORRY. I WAS ON A ROLL.
NOW, TELL ME EVERYTHING
YOU CAN REMEMBER,
FROM THE BEGINNING.
OK. I CAME HERE
TO INVESTIGATE
THE DISAPPEARANCE
OF SOME OF THE GIRLS
FROM THE BROTHEL,
SO I LANDED A JOB
WITH MADAM GRETA,
AND THAT'S WHEN
I HEARD ABOUT
TANGERINA.
I WENT UP TO HER
MANSION IN CANNES
WITH A FEW
OF THE OTHER WOMEN.
WE WERE--WE WERE LED
INTO A DARK ROOM,
AND THE NEXT THING
I REMEMBER,
I WAS WAKING UP
BACK IN THE BROTHELS
WITH YOU.
SOUNDS LIKE I SHOULD
GET INVITED
TO ONE OF TANGERINA'S
NEXT PARTIES.
TO FIND OUT HOW SHE'S
BRAINWASHING PEOPLE.
WHAT? OH, YES.
THAT, TOO.
WELL, FRITZ TOLD ME
THAT TANGERINA USUALLY
SHOWS UP
AT HER MONTE CARLO
CASINO AROUND 10:00 P.M.
WELL, THEN IT'S OFF
TO MONTE CARLO.
YOU'D BETTER WASH UP.
I'M GONNA CALL
HEADQUARTERS.
I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT
WHY THIS THING DOESN'T WORK.
P'S NEVER
LET ME DOWN BEFORE.
P'S NEVER
LET ME DOWN BEFORE.
YES, I'D LIKE TO MAKE
A CALL TO THE STATES,
PLEASE.
OH, JUST ONE MOMENT.
I HAVE IT HERE.
OH, JUST ONE MOMENT.
I HAVE IT HERE.
AH. YES, IT'S
1-900-PROTECT.
HOW MUCH PER MINUTE?!
YES. PUT IT ON MY TAB.
THE NAME IS STEELE.
ROD STEELE.
[GERMAN ACCENT]
YA, MR. STEELE,
PLEASE WAIT
A FEW MINUTES
WHILE I CONNECT
YOUR CALL.
WHILE I CONNECT
YOUR CALL.
ZIS IS INFORMANT
SECHZIG NEUN.
I HAVE LOCATED
AGENT STEELE.
HE IS IN
THE HOTEL SCHLITZ.
ZE HONEYMOON SUITE.
OF COURSE I WILL
STAY ON ZE LINE.
[TELEPHONES RINGING]
WHAT CITY, PLEASE?
ALL OF HIS SECRETS
VIL SOON BE OURS.
ALL OF HIS SECRETS
VIL SOON BE OURS.
THANK YOU, MY MISTRESS.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
JUST A FEW MORE MINUTES,
MR. STEELE.
YOUR CALL IS GOING THROUGH.
STEELE, CAN YOU GET ME
SOME MORE SHAMPOO?
I'M ALL OUT IN HERE.
OF COURSE, MY LOVE.
OF COURSE, MY LOVE.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
SPELL THAT?
OH.
OH.
THAT IS NOT EVEN A CITY.
THAT IS NOT EVEN A CITY.
YES, YOU ARE WELCOME.
OOH. OOH. OH...
OOH. OOH. OH...
JUST HOLD, PLEASE.
[MOANING]
[MOANING]
14, HOLD.
14, HOLD.
[SEVERAL TELEPHONES RINGING]
[BUSY SIGNALS BEEPING]
[SEVERAL TELEPHONES RINGING]
[BUSY SIGNALS BEEPING]
I'M SORRY.
COULD YOU PLEASE
HOLD THE LINE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
YOU'RE ON DUTY.
NO SEX CALLS DURING
WORKING HOURS.
IT'S NOT A SEX CALL.
OH, THAT'S BETTER.
OH, MUCH BETTER. OH.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OH!
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OH!
OPERATOR.
MAY I HELP YOU?
OPERATOR.
MAY I HELP YOU?
OH, MY GOODNESS.
OK. GOOD AFTERNOON.
WHAT CITY?
OK. GOOD AFTERNOON.
WHAT CITY?
NO, NO. THAT'S JUST
A LITTLE STATIC.
NO, NO. THAT'S JUST
A LITTLE STATIC.
WHAT SEX--
I MEAN CITY, SIR.
OH, MY.
OH, MY.
[TONE BEEPING]
THIS IS--
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS--
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
[TELEPHONES RINGING]
[SEVERAL TELEPHONES RINGING]
Man: HELLO?
[PASSIONATE MOANING
OVER TELEPHONES]
Second man: HOLD ON. YES.
Woman: YA? HELLO?
HELLO?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
[TONE BEEPING]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
EXCUSE ME, HOW
ARE WE SUPPOSED TO
GET ANY WORK DONE?
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
OK.
OK.
OK.
[BEEPS]
[OPERATOR SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
[PASSIONATE MOANING]
[PASSIONATE MOANING]
SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO HELP YOU SCRUB YOUR BACK?
ROD, YOU CAN
SCRUB MY BACK
WHEN YOUR ROD REALLY
TURNS TO STEEL, STEELE.
WHEN YOUR ROD REALLY
TURNS TO STEEL, STEELE.
[VOICES ON TELEPHONES]
[PASSIONATE MOANING]
[VOICES ON TELEPHONES]
[PASSIONATE MOANING]
[TELEPHONES RINGING]
[MOANING OVER PHONE LINES]
Man:??QUI?N ES?
Indian man: HI.
YOU HAVE REACHED INDIA.
[SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE]
Man: CHELSEA?
Man: CHELSEA?
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OH, WOW!
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OH, WOW!
[MOANING OVER TELEPHONE LINE]
[MOANING OVER TELEPHONE LINE]
HELLO? HAS MY CALL
COME THROUGH YET?
NO, IT HASN'T,
BUT I WILL.
TALK DIRTY
TO ME.
COME ON, BABY.
TELL ME HOW MUCH
YOU WANNA SUCK
MY HARD,
SWOLLEN NIPPLES.
TELL ME WHAT
A BIG, HARD COCK
YOU HAVE.
THAT'S NICE OF YOU
TO SAY.
YEAH? WELL,
HOW 'BOUT THIS?
NOW I'M FANTASIZING
OF YOU PUMPING HARD
INSIDE ME.
OH, MY HOT THIGH
IS PRESSED AGAINST
YOUR EARS.
THAT'S WHAT I CALL
CALL WAITING.
UH, IS THIS
A NEW SERVICE?
BEATS THE HELL
OUT OF MUZAK.
BEATS THE HELL
OUT OF MUZAK.
[GASPS]
AAH!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
AAH! OH...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
AAH! OH...
[TELEPHONE BEEPS]
[TONE BEEPING]
[TONE BEEPING]
OH, YES!
OH, YEAH.
YEAH!
OH, YEAH.
YEAH!
OOH.
OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
[CHUCKLES]
I HOPE YOU'RE ALMOST
FINISHED IN THERE.
I THINK I'M GOING
TO NEED A COLD SHOWER
MYSELF.
I THINK I'M GOING
TO NEED A COLD SHOWER
MYSELF.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I'M SORRY. YOU'LL HAVE
TO CONNECT MY CALL
ANOTHER TIME.
Woman, over phone:
OH, YES! OOH. OOH.
SO ENTHUSIASTIC.
SO ENTHUSIASTIC.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO IS IT?
Women: MAID SERVICE.
Women: MAID SERVICE.
I'M AREOLA.
Both: WE'VE COME
TO TURN DOWN YOUR BED.
AND I WAS HOPING
YOU'D COME
TO ACCEPT.
WELL, COME IN.
COME IN.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO SHOW YOU HOW
TO UNLOCK YOUR BAR?
PLEASE.
PLEASE.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE,
REALLY.
YOU INSERT AND TURN
UNTIL YOU HEAR
A GENTLE POP.
IT'S AMAZING
HOW MANY ACTIVITIES
FOLLOW THE SAME RULE.
FOLLOW THE SAME RULE.
UHH. UNH!
UHH. UNH!
AAH!
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GET SOMETHING
OFF YOUR CHEST?
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GET SOMETHING
OFF YOUR CHEST?
AAH!
AAH!
WHAT'S THAT?
MY PEN.
WHAT'S IT DO?
COME ANY CLOSER
AND YOU'LL FIND OUT.
STEELE,
THERE'S NO LATHER
IN THE SHAMPOO.
STEELE,
THERE'S NO LATHER
IN THE SHAMPOO.
WHO ARE YOU?
THEY CALL ME
PUSSY L'AMOUR.
IS THAT TRUE?
THROW ME A FISH
AND SEE.
HOLD HIM.
HOLD HIM.
WHAT ARE YOU
PLANNING TO DO?
GIVING YOU
A LITTLE SPERM TEST.
I'M NOT INTO
ELECTRONIC TOYS.
YOU WILL BE.
FIRST YOU'LL COME,
THEN YOU'LL GO.
I GET YOUR POINT.
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
FINALLY,
SOMETHING THAT WORKS.
FINALLY,
SOMETHING THAT WORKS.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO LAST
3 MINUTES.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO LAST
3 MINUTES.
OH! OOH.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
KILL HIM!
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
MMM. EAT ME.
MMM. EAT ME.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
KILL HIM!
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OOH. EAT ME.
OOH.
OOH.
P DIDN'T TELL ME
ABOUT THIS FUNCTION.
P DIDN'T TELL ME
ABOUT THIS FUNCTION.
OOH. OH...
OOH. OH...
[ROD CHUCKLES]
[ROD CHUCKLES]
OOH. OH.
OOH. OH.
Bell: WHAT IS THIS?!
Bell: WHAT IS THIS?!
WHO SAID YOU
COULD ORDER IN
ENTERTAINMENT?
I DIDN'T ORDER THIS.
THEY CAME
TO BEAT ME UP
AND TAKE MY SPERM.
YOU DISGUST ME.
I'LL BE WAITING
IN THE CAR.
NO, NO, NO. WAIT.
YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
JUST--
JUST--
LOCK UP
WHEN YOU LEAVE.
OOH.
OOH.
OOH.
OOH.
Rod: BELL, I CAN EXPLAIN.
Man: OK.
HOTEL SCHLITZ, DR. FEZ.
Rod: BELL,
WOULD YOU LOOK AT ME
WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU?
WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU?
TANGERINA'S
NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY
WITH OUR FAILURE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
YES? COME IN.
YES? COME IN.
OH, I-I'M SORRY.
UH, I'M LOOKING
FOR MR. STEELE.
ARE YOU
A FRIEND OF HIS?
WELL, MORE OF
AN ACQUAINTANCE,
ACTUALLY.
YOU SEE,
HE GAVE ME THIS--
THIS BOX BY MISTAKE.
AAH!
AAH!
CONSOLATION
PRIZE.
CONSOLATION
PRIZE.
Rod: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
P'S BOX IS MALFUNCTIONING.
IT'S MALFUNCTIONING
BEAUTIFULLY, MIND YOU,
BUT IT'S STILL--
Bell: I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR YOUR SORDID
SEX LIFE.
Bell: I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR YOUR SORDID
SEX LIFE.
Bell: AHEM.
Bell: AHEM.
THANK YOU, MY GOOD MAN.
THAT BASTARD STOLE
MY DRINK!
G-G-GIVE--GIVE ME--
NOW, WHAT'D YOU SAY
HER FAVORITE GAME WAS?
7-CARD STUD.
7-CARD STUD IT IS.
ARE YOU ANY GOOD
AT 7-CARD STUD, ROD?
BELL, YOU'RE
IN THE PRESENCE
OF A CARD PLAYER
EXTRAORDINAIRE
WITH SUPERHUMAN SKILL
AND KNOWLEDGE
WHEN IT COMES TO GAMES
INVOLVING HEARTS,
DIAMONDS, SPADES,
AND THOSE BLACK,
CLOVER-SHAPED SYMBOLS
WITH THE ROUNDED EDGES.
OK.
Man: YOU OWE ME 4.50!
Man: YOU OWE ME 4.50!
Man: RIGHT.
[CHUCKLES]
DON'T SHOW YOUR CARDS,
SWEETHEART.
[LAUGHS]
RELAX, DARLING.
WE'RE ON VACATION.
STOP. WILL YOU
PAY ATTENTION, PLEASE?
OH, DON'T
BE SO STRANGE.
YOU'RE ALWAYS
SO STINGY.
IT'S MY MONEY.
NO, IT'S MY MONEY.
HOW IS IT YOUR MONEY?
BECAUSE IT'S
MY MONEY, HONEY.
OH, COME ON.
LET'S VACATION.
LET'S HAVE FUN.
EXCUSE ME.
YES, YES, YES!
EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU
TELL ME WHEN A TABLE
WILL OPEN UP?
CAN'T REALLY SAY, SIR.
SOMETIMES THESE PEOPLE
PLAY ALL NIGHT.
THANK YOU.
STEELE STUCK
ON STANDBY.
MISS TANGERINA,
IT'S DICK.
MISS TANGERINA,
IT'S DICK.
WHAT IS IT, DICK?
STEELE'S HERE.
TABLE 8.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
I'LL BE OUT
IN A MINUTE.
I'LL BE OUT
IN A MINUTE.
I CAN SENSE
2 OPENINGS
RIGHT
STRAIGHT AHEAD.
WATCH.
WATCH.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
UHH!
[GASPS]
YOUR BET, MA'AM.
OH. OH!
OH. OH!
Man: THAT IS
TOO RICH FOR ME.
Woman: YEAH, I'M OUT.
Second man: I'M OUT.
THAT'S IT.
YOU WIN.
[LAUGHS]
[MOANING]
ROGER...
PLEASE COLLECT
THE CHIPS.
I HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM.
OH! OH, ROGER!
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
UH, MEGAN.
MEGAN. MEGAN.
EXCU--EXCUSE ME.
I'LL JOIN YOU.
OH!
WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHIPS?
CAN I HAVE THEM?
UH, YEAH. KEEP 'EM.
MEGAN!
MEGAN!
LOVELY PLACE.
FREE CHIPS.
FRIENDLY PEOPLE.
WHAT MORE
COULD ONE ASK FOR?
WHAT MORE
COULD ONE ASK FOR?
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU PLAYED THIS GAME,
MR. STEELE.
HAVE WE MET?
I'M MISS TANGERINA,
AND THIS IS MY PLACE.
IT'S AN HONOR
TO MET YOU,
MISS TANGERINA.
I'VE HEARD SO MUCH
ABOUT YOU,
BUT IT CAN'T COMPARE
TO SEEING YOU IN THE FLESH.
PLEASE, DON'T GET UP.
I'M STILL WET.
OF COURSE YOU ARE.
YOU'RE SITTING
AT MY FAVORITE TABLE.
CARE TO PLAY A ROUND
WITH ME?
I'D LOVE TO
PLAY AROUND WITH YOU.
I'D LOVE TO
PLAY AROUND WITH YOU.
Man: I GUESS THAT'S
OUR CUE TO LEAVE.
Second man:
I SUPPOSE SO.
OK.
OK.
I HOPE YOU LIKE
YOUR STAKES HIGH,
MR. STEELE.
HIGH, HOT,
AND MEDIUM-RARE,
I ALWAYS SAY.
HIGH, HOT,
AND MEDIUM-RARE,
I ALWAYS SAY.
ALL RIGHT, THEN,
7-CARD STUD.
ALL RIGHT, THEN,
7-CARD STUD.
FIRST ONE UP.
3.
3.
ACE.
ACE.
10.
QUEEN.
QUEEN.
5.
KING.
KING.
POSSIBLE STRAIGHT,
ACE HIGH.
10 HIGH.
JUST LUCKY, I GUESS.
NOTHING UP MY SLEEVES.
NOTHING UP MY SLEEVES.
THANK GOD I'VE GOT
SOMETHING UP MINE.
WHY DON'T YOU FOLD?
STEELE NEVER FOLDS.
IT DOES
UNDER EXTREME
PRESSURE.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
LAST CARD.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
LAST CARD.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
UNH!
MMMPH! HMMMM!
MMMPH! HMMMM!
[GIGGLES]
[GIGGLES]
[LAUGHS]
DEAL THE CARDS, MORON!
[STIFLED GIGGLE]
[STIFLED GIGGLE]
HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA!
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
DAMN. I GUESS WE'LL HAVE
TO CONSIDER THIS GAME
A MISDEAL.
YOU'RE FIRED. GET OUT.
[HIGH-TONED VOICE]
YES, MA'AM. MM.
[HIGH-TONED VOICE]
YES, MA'AM. MM.
I TAKE IT THE POT STAYS IN
AND WE DEAL ANOTHER ROUND.
ABSOLUTELY, MR. STEELE.
AND SINCE THIS IS
MY ESTABLISHMENT,
I'M SURE YOU WON'T MIND
THAT I DEAL THIS ROUND.
BE MY GUEST.
BE MY GUEST.
IT'S MY TURN
TO HAVE SOME...
FUN.
FUN.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OHH...
OHH...
NEXT CARD?
NEXT CARD?
GET DOWN.
WHAT?
ON THE FLOOR NOW!
WHAT?
ON THE FLOOR NOW!
OH. UHH--
AHH.
AHH.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
[MOANING]
WHAT...DO...UHH...YOU..
UHH...HAVE...OH...
UHH...HAVE...OH...
MR. STEELE? OH! OH!
MR. STEELE? OH! OH!
FULL HOUSE.
FULL HOUSE.
YOU PLAY A GOOD GAME,
MR. STEELE.
YOU PLAY A GOOD GAME,
MR. STEELE.
SO DO YOU,
MISS TANGERINA.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
TO STOP BY
MY HUMBLE ABODE
TOMORROW NIGHT
IN CANNES.
I'M HAVING A LITTLE PARTY.
WE COULD HAVE A REMATCH.
WE'D LOVE TO.
WELL, HONEY, WE
REALLY OUGHT TO GO.
I HAVE TO
PICK UP MY DRESS
BACK
AT THE HOTEL ROOM.
BACK IN PRAGUE?
IT BETTER BE
ONE HELL OF A DRESS.
UNTIL TOMORROW.
I CAN'T WAIT.
I CAN'T WAIT.
[WATER SIZZLING]
AHH.
AHH.
ARE YOU SURE
IT'S A GOOD IDEA
INVITING STEELE
OVER?
STEELE MUST DIE.
WHAT BETTER TIME
AND PLACE?
STAGE 2 OF MY PLAN
BEGINS TOMORROW NIGHT,
AND NOBODY--
NOT EVEN STEELE--
CAN STOP IT.
AS WE SPEAK,
MY WORSHIPPERS
ARE COLLECTING
THE FINAL SPECIMENS
FOR STAGE ONE.
IN FACT,
THE PRINCE OF DENMARK
IS ABOUT READY
TO GRACE OUR PRESENCE.
HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA.
HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA.
[EXOTIC RHYTHM PLAYING]
[EXOTIC RHYTHM PLAYING]
WAIT'LL I TELL
THE DUKES BACK HOME
ABOUT THIS.
ABOUT THIS.
I'M ALMOST THERE.
I'M ALMOST THERE.
NOT YET.
NOT YET.
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
OH, YOU'RE THE BEST.
THE BEST.
THE BEST.
OH, YA. OH.
THANKS, FRITZ,
BUT I CAN'T TAKE
ALL THE CREDIT.
IF YOU'RE THERE,
THEN WHO--
YOU MEAN WHAT.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
OH, MY GOD! OH!
YOU'VE HEARD
OF THE TAX COLLECTOR?
WELL, MEET
THE SPERM COLLECTOR.
GET IT OFF ME.
GET IT OFF! OH!
WHY? DOESN'T IT
FEEL GOOD?
OH, YEAH. TOO GOOD.
OH--OH, MY GOD.
OH. I CAN'T HOLD BACK.
THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA.
OH! OH!
OH! OH!
IT'S--IT'S NOT STOPPING.
IT'S--IT'S NOT STOPPING.
AND NEITHER ARE YOU,
RIGHT?
[BELL RINGING]
[BICYCLE HORN
HONKING]
[BICYCLE HORN
HONKING]
TOLD YOU THEY'D
BE GONE BY NOW.
TOLD YOU THEY'D
BE GONE BY NOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
P GAVE YOU THIS.
ALL HE GAVE ME
WAS A STUPID
BLOW-UP DOLL.
WHAT DID IT DO?
IT BLEW UP,
LITERALLY.
YOU KNOW,
WITH GADGETS
LIKE THIS,
I COULD'VE
SOLVED THIS CASE
SINGLE-HANDEDLY.
THEY JUST
DON'T TRUST ME
AT THE AGENCY.
THEY THINK
I'M UNLUCKY.
WHAT MAKES YOU
SAY THAT, DOUBLE-0-13?
WHAT MAKES YOU
SAY THAT, DOUBLE-0-13?
OH. OH!
WHO IS THIS GUY?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT HE LOOKS
STRANGELY
FAMILIAR.
THEY TOOK IT.
I TRIED
TO GET IT BACK,
BUT THEY
KNOCKED ME OUT,
AND THEY TOOK IT.
TOOK WHAT?
OUR CLICKERS.
WE GOT 'EM
MIXED UP
AT THE AIRPORT.
WE GOT 'EM
MIXED UP
AT THE AIRPORT.
I GOT YOURS,
AND YOU GOT--
OH, GIVE IT TO ME.
OF COURSE.
P COULD
NEVER COME UP
WITH SOMETHING
THAT GOOD
ON HIS
OWN BUDGET.
THAT'S QUITE
A LITTLE DEVICE
YOU HAVE THERE.
OH, NO.
YOU USED IT?
ONLY IN DIRE
SITUATIONS.
YOU'VE GOTTA
GIVE IT BACK.
YOU HAVE
TO HAND IT BACK.
IT'S NOT SAFE
IN THE PUBLIC'S
HANDS.
OH, I AGREE
WITH YOU THERE.
LUCKILY, WE'RE
NOT PUBLIC.
DOUBLE-0-13
AND I
ARE WITH
THE SECRET
SERVICE.
HMM?
THAT'S EVEN WORSE.
MAYBE SO, BUT WE
NEED YOUR BOX
FOR ONE MORE
NIGHT.
THE FATE
OF THE WORLD
DEPENDS ON IT.
THAT'S WHAT
THEY ALL SAY.
LOOK, BUDDY, WE GOT
A POWER-HUNGRY,
WORLD-CONTROLLING BITCH
OUT THERE.
WE NEED ALL THE HELP
WE CAN GET.
WE'RE GOING
TO DESTROY HER
AND HER
OPERATION
TOMORROW NIGHT.
AFTER THAT,
THE BOX IS
ALL YOURS.
AFTER THAT,
THE BOX IS
ALL YOURS.
OH. I GUESS
I HAVE NO CHOICE.
UM, BUT IF YOU'RE
GONNA SAVE THE WORLD,
I--I SHOULD SHOW YOU
ALL OF ITS FUNCTIONS
AND OPERATIONS.
YOU MEAN IT DOES MORE
THAN JUST SEXUALLY
TURN PEOPLE ON?
OH, YES.
YES, A LOT MORE.
[THUNDER]
[THUNDER]
[MACHINES BEEPING]
[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]
[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]
Tangerina: PUSSY,
PUSSY, PUSSY.
Tangerina: PUSSY,
PUSSY, PUSSY.
I WARNED YOU WHAT
WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU
IF YOU FAILED ME.
WHAT IS WRONG
WITH EVERYONE?
FIRST MY TELEPHONE
INFORMER WINDS UP
GETTING BUSTED
FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE.
NOW YOU.
PLEASE. I PROMISE
TO SUCCEED NEXT TIME.
IT WAS THAT DAMN BOX.
THE BOX?!
I WANT STEELE,
NOT HIS BOX!
THE BOX?!
I WANT STEELE,
NOT HIS BOX!
A LESSON MUST BE TAUGHT.
A LESSON MUST BE TAUGHT.
STRETCH...
FEEDING TIME.
[HISSING]
[HISSING]
NO. PLEASE.
NO. PLEASE.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
YOUR MOST LOYAL SERVANT.
YOU DON'T WANT
TO WASTE ME
ON A POISONOUS SNAKE.
POISONOUS SNAKE!
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
STRETCH WAS DE-FANGED
A LONG TIME AGO.
NOT POISONOUS?
NOT POISONOUS?
THEN WHAT'S HE GOING TO--
THEN WHAT'S HE GOING TO--
OOH!
I TAUGHT HIM
EVERYTHING HE KNOWS.
SNAKES HAVE
SUCH WONDERFUL TONGUES.
DON'T YOU AGREE?
OH, GOD.
WHAT IS HE DOING TO ME?
I NEVER--
OH, I'VE NEVER--OH!
OH, I'VE NEVER--OH!
BUT--BUT I THOUGHT
YOU WERE GOING TO PUNISH ME.
STRETCH CAN GO ON
LIKE THAT FOR DAYS.
CAN YOU?
CAN YOU?
Dick on intercom:
MISS TANGERINA,
YOUR GUESTS ARE ARRIVING.
OOPS. GOTTA GO.
STAGE 2
OF MY PLAN BEGINS.
OH, BY THE WAY,
2 DAYS IS AS LONG
AS ANYONE'S LASTED.
NOW, PUSSY,
I'M COUNTING ON YOU
TO BREAK THAT RECORD.
TO BREAK THAT RECORD.
TA-TA.
TA-TA.
OH, STRETCH.
OH, STRETCH!
OH, STRETCH!
OH, STRETCH!
HOW DO I LOOK?
LIKE A SLUT.
QUIT
FOOLING AROUND.
QUIT
FOOLING AROUND.
AMAZING DEVICE, DOCTOR.
YOU EVER CONSIDERED
GOVERNMENT WORK?
HMM. I'VE BEEN
TO WASHINGTON.
DOESN'T SUIT ME.
SO THE BACK BUTTON
CAN TRANSFORM A PERSON,
THE FRONT KNOB
IS A STIMULATOR,
AND WHAT'S
THE SIDE ONE DO AGAIN?
CONTROLS THE POINT
OF THE RADIUS.
SO WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF I SET THE SIDE ONE
FOR NARROW
AND HIT THE BACK BUTTON?
IT TRANSFORMS A BODY PART.
WHICH BODY PART?
WHATEVER BODY PART
YOU'RE AIMING AT.
WHATEVER BODY PART
YOU'RE AIMING AT.
[CLOTHING STRETCHING]
MMM.
MMM.
WHAT IS IT?
[CLEARS THROAT]
OH. NOTHING, NOTHING.
UM, I THINK
WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
KEEP AN EYE OPEN
FOR P'S BOX.
WE MAY NEED IT LATER.
WE MAY NEED IT LATER.
WELCOME, EVERYONE.
IT'S TIME TO SHOW YOU
THE REASON I'VE CALLED
YOU ALL HERE.
GET READY--OH--
TO EXPERIENCE
TANGERINA'S
MAGICAL LIGHT SHOW!
I REMEMBER
SOMETHING ABOUT
A LIGHT DISPLAY
LAST TIME
I WAS HERE.
WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER
AFTER THAT?
NOTHING.
NOT A GOOD SIGN.
SOMETHING TELLS ME
WE SHOULD SLIP AWAY
FOR THE MOMENT.
FIRST I HAVE AN IDEA.
FEZ?
I'LL NEED YOUR HELP.
STAND BACK...
AND ENJOY.
[CALLIOPE PLAYING]
[CALLIOPE PLAYING]
THAT'S IT,
MY LITTLE SLAVES.
FOLLOW
THE BOUNCING LIGHTS.
HA HA HA.
HA HA HA.
STAGE 2 BEGINS.
START ESCORTING
THE GENTLEMEN
INTO THE LAB
AND THE LADIES
INTO THE STUDY.
AND THE LADIES
INTO THE STUDY.
WELL, WELL, WELL,
MR. STEELE.
I THOUGHT YOU
WOULD PUT UP MORE
OF A FIGHT THAN THAT.
I THOUGHT YOU
WOULD PUT UP MORE
OF A FIGHT THAN THAT.
TURN AROUND.
TURN AROUND.
BEND OVER.
BEND OVER.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
AT LAST, I'VE GOT
THE GREAT MR. STEELE
UNDER MY CONTROL!
NOW NOBODY CAN STOP ME.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
OH, YOU'RE KIND OF CUTE
FOR A BRAINWASHED DUKE.
OH, YOU'RE KIND OF CUTE
FOR A BRAINWASHED DUKE.
[GASPS]
YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED
TO DO THAT.
MISTRESS, THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG.
WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING A--
WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING A--
WELL, FUCK ME.
[MOANING AND GROANING]
OH, NO. NO!
OH, NO. NO!
ENJOY THE SHOW. HA!
Tangerina:
OH! OH! STOP!
Tangerina:
OH! OH! STOP!
SO...
YOU HAVE
ONE, TOO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND IF YOU TURN ME ON,
AND I TURN YOU ON,
WE'LL JUST
START BEHAVING LIKE
THE OTHERS BACK THERE.
WE'LL JUST
START BEHAVING LIKE
THE OTHERS BACK THERE.
SO WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE?
I PROPOSE...
THAT I STALL
JUST LONG ENOUGH
FOR SOMEONE
TO SNEAK UP
BEHIND YOU
AND KNOCK YOU
UNCONSCIOUS.
HA!
WHEW.
WHEW.
STUNNING.
DID I COME IN HANDY?
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOU BACK THERE?
I THOUGHT YOU
WERE BRAINWASHED
LIKE THE OTHERS.
WELL, IT HELPS WHEN
THERE'S MORE THAN
ONE ROD STEELE.
I DON'T GET IT.
I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.
NOW IT'S TIME TO DESTROY
TANGERINA'S OPERATION.
WELL, DIDN'T
WE JUST DO THAT?
DID YOU SEE
EVERYTHING BLOW UP YET?
NO.
THEN WE'RE NOT DONE.
COME ON.
I DISCOVERED
THIS DURING
THE LIGHT SHOW.
LET ME GUESS.
A REVOLVING BOOKCASE
THAT LEADS
TO TANGERINA'S SECRET LAB.
NO.THE ART
OF SENSUAL MASSAGE.
YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A READ.
YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A READ.
WELL.
WELL.
WHAT IS IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
HELP.
HELP ME.
PLEASE HELP.
PLEASE HELP.
I'M SORRY.
I'M NOT INTO
THREESOMES.
IT WON'T STOP.
OHH.
I'VE HAD
OVER 40 ORGASMS.
STRETCH IS KILLING ME.
OHH.
41.
BUT WHAT A WAY TO GO.
IF YOU ANSWER
MY QUESTIONS,
I'LL HELP YOU.
OH, YES.
WAS THAT
"YES" OF PASSION
OR "YES,
I'LL ANSWER"?
YES.
MAYBE I SHOULD
REPHRASE THIS.
YES, I'LL ANSWER,
I'LL ANSWER.
YES, I'LL ANSWER,
I'LL ANSWER.
RELAX. I KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING.
RELAX. I KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING.
WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
[SIGHS]
TANGERINA'S LAB,
WHERE SHE PLANS
TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
BY MATING WOMEN
WITH SNAKES?
IT'S A RATHER
OLD CONCEPT,
DON'T YOU THINK?
THE SPECIAL INGREDIENTS
ARE OVER THERE.
THE SPECIAL INGREDIENTS
ARE OVER THERE.
MY GOD.
THERE'S ENOUGH
SEMEN HERE
TO MAN A FLEET!
AND THAT'S ONLY
THE BEGINNING,
MR. STEELE.
AND THAT'S ONLY
THE BEGINNING,
MR. STEELE.
STEP AWAY
FROM THERE.
DROP THE BOX.
DROP THE BOX.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TIMING 3 MINUTES.
WHAT FOR?
THE PARALYZER DART
WEARS OFF.
OH, STOP
YOUR WHISPERING.
OH, STOP
YOUR WHISPERING.
FINALLY, I HAVE
YOUR MAGIC BOX.
FINALLY, I HAVE
YOUR MAGIC BOX.
BUT WHICH ONE
IS IT?
[GASPS]
AHH.
EXCELLENT.
TURN IT OFF!
PLEASE TURN IT OFF!
NO! LEAVE IT ON.
I LIKE SEEING
DOUBLE-0-13 LIKE THIS.
SURE. WHY NOT?
UNLOCK PUSSY.
WE'LL BE NEEDING
THAT TABLE.
UNLOCK PUSSY.
WE'LL BE NEEDING
THAT TABLE.
I GOT ANOTHER PUSSY
YOU COULD UNLOCK.
I GOT ANOTHER PUSSY
YOU COULD UNLOCK.
PARTY POOPER!
PARTY POOPER!
I BET YOU'RE JUST DYING
TO HEAR ALL ABOUT
HOW I'M GOING TO
TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
NOT REALLY. IT'S OBVIOUS.
YOU BRING
THE PROSTITUTES HERE,
YOU BRAINWASH THEM,
THEN YOU SEND THEM OUT
TO HAVE SEX WITH THE MOST
POWERFUL MEN IN THE WORLD
AND COLLECT THEIR SPERM.
VERY GOOD, MR. STEELE,
AND WHAT DO
I PLAN ON DOING
WITH ALL THAT SPERM?
RUB IT ON YOUR SKIN.
KEEP YOURSELF FRESH
AND MOIST ALL DAY LONG.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE.
WATCH.
WATCH.
THIS IS A SPECIMEN
I GOT FROM
SWITZERLAND
LATE LAST NIGHT.
IT'S THE SPERM
OF PRINCE DEAN.
IT'S THE SPERM
OF PRINCE DEAN.
MEET PRINCE DEAN'S
PERFECT CLONE!
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
THERE'S ENOUGH GENES
IN EVERY MAN'S SPERM
TO CREATE
A PRECISE DUPLICATE.
SO YOU'RE GOING
TO CLONE THE WORLD.
THAT WAS
MY SECOND GUESS.
YEAH, RIGHT.
NOT THE WORLD,
MR. STEELE.
ONLY ITS LEADERS.
EVERYONE
UP THERE TONIGHT
ARE GOING TO BE
MY FIRST
SWAPPED SUBJECTS.
POLITICIANS,
DIPLOMATS,
KINGS, PRINCES,
EVEN PRESIDENTS
ARE GOING TO FALL
UNDER MY CONTROL,
AND THEY WILL
ALL BE MY VERY OWN
PERSONAL FIRST ARMY
OF CLONES!
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
ARE YOU SURE
THEY'LL DO YOUR BIDDING?
WOULD YOU LIKE
A DEMONSTRATION?
WOULD YOU LIKE
A DEMONSTRATION?
PRINCE DEAN,
GO HAVE SEX
WITH THAT WOMAN.
GO HAVE SEX
WITH THAT WOMAN.
OH, COME TO ME, PRINCY.
THERE.
"THERE"?
YOU TOLD HIM TO HAVE SEX
WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
YOU THINK ANYONE
WOULD HAVE AN OBJECTION
TO THAT COMMAND?
OH, FINE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE
WHAT
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
WOULD DO FOR ME?
WHAT
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
WOULD DO FOR ME?
[WATCH BEEPING]
WHAT'S THAT?
MY REMINDER TO STRETCH.
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
OH, STRETCH!
NOT NOW! OH, GOD!
OH, STRETCH!
NOT NOW! OH, GOD!
YES, IT'S TRUE.
I FIND YOU
VERY ATTRACTIVE,
MR. STEELE...
BUT I MUST
KILL YOU NOW!
BUT I MUST
KILL YOU NOW!
AAH!
AAH!
NO, NO. BAD SNAKE.
NO, NO. BAD SNAKE.
OH, ARNOLD!
OH, ARNOLD!
ARNOLD, HELP ME.
ARNOLD, HELP ME.
YOU'RE FINISHED, TANGERINA.
YOU'RE FINISHED, TANGERINA.
I WOULDN'T BE SO SURE
OF THAT, MR. STEELE.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
PUSSY?
CALL ME MR. PUSSY.
KILL STEELE!
HA HA HA HA HA!
USE THE BOX!
USE THE BOX!
USE THE BOX!
USE THE BOX!
STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
I WILL CRUSH YOU
AGAINST MY HEAVING MUSCLES.
WELL, WE ALL
HAVE TO GO SOMETIME.
WELL, WE ALL
HAVE TO GO SOMETIME.
WAIT.
WAIT.
I WANT SOMETHING,
MR. STEELE,
TO REMEMBER YOU BY.
YOUR CLONE.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
GET HIS SPERM.
GET HIS SPERM.
OH, STEELE,
I DIDN'T WANT IT
TO END THIS WAY.
NEVER FEAR, BELL.
THEY'RE IN
FOR A SURPRISE.
THEY'RE IN
FOR A SURPRISE.
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
UH...MISTRESS,
I--I CAN'T...
IT WILL NOT FIT.
WHAT?
MY SUCKER FITS
EVERY NORMAL--
MY SUCKER FITS
EVERY NORMAL--
OH.THAT'SNOT NORMAL.
WHAT?
HOW?
JUST
A LITTLE PRECAUTION
I GAVE MYSELF
IN THE LIMO
ON THE WAY OVER.
IN THE LIMO
ON THE WAY OVER.
QUICK!
POINT IT AT ME!
QUICK!
POINT IT AT ME!
Tangerina:
YOU REALLYAREROD STEELE.
Tangerina:
YOU REALLYAREROD STEELE.
HELP ME,
YOU IMBECILES!
HELP ME,
YOU IMBECILES!
TAKE THIS, YOU BITCH!
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OH, GOD.
OH, GOD.
NO...NO. PLEASE...
NO...NO. PLEASE...
NOT ANYMORE.
OHH! OHH! OHH!
OHH! OHH! OHH!
I WONDER
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I...
I WONDER
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I...
WHAT DID YOU DO?!
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE
I TURNED THEM ON.
IT'S GOING TO BLOW!
IT'S GOING TO BLOW!
OH, SHIT!
COOL.
COOL.
HELLO.
HELLO.
DR. FEZ?
DR. FEZ.
HUH?
IT'S TIME TO GO.
OH.
OH.
STEADY.
STEADY.
IS THE...PARTY OVER?
YOU COULD SAY THAT.
THE WORLD'S
SAFE AGAIN.
BELL'S IN THE CAR.
LET'S GO.
BELL'S IN THE CAR.
LET'S GO.
GOOD-BYE, MY DEAR.
GOOD-BYE, MY DEAR.
I, UH, I JUST
WANTED TO SAY THANKS.
YOU WERE REALLY GOOD
BACK THERE.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WHERE'S THE CLICKER?
I GAVE IT BACK
TO FEZ AS
I PROMISED.
I GAVE IT BACK
TO FEZ AS
I PROMISED.
DON'T YOU EVER
TAKE OFF THAT TUXEDO?
ONLY IN AN
EMERGENCY.
ONLY IN AN
EMERGENCY.
DIAL 9-1-1.
DIAL 9-1-1.
Rod:
WHAT GOT INTO YOU?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I ALWAYS GET THIS WAY
AT THE END OF A CASE.
LUCKY ME.
LUCKY US.
[WATCH BEEPING]
O: WELL DONE, STEELE,
WELL DONE, BELL.
Both: WHY, THANK YOU, O.
NOW, GET YOUR ASS
ON A PLANE TO EGYPT.
WE'VE GOT A MUMMY
ON THE LOOSE
AND A CURSE THAT'S
GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.
WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
SAME OLD REGULAR
ASSIGNMENTS.
CAN'T YOU GIVE ME
SOMETHING EXCITING?
WELL, THERE HAVE BEEN
SOME RUMORS ABOUT
AN INVISIBLE MAN
ROAMING AROUND
HOLLYWOOD.
WHAT WILL THEY
THINK OF NEXT?
WHAT WILL THEY
THINK OF NEXT?
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CONCORDE-NEW HORIZONS
CORPORATION
?? ROD STEELE IS HIS NAME ??
?? AND LOVE IS HIS GAME ??
?? HE'LL WIND UP
ON TOP EVERY TIME ??
?? HE'LL WIND UP
ON TOP EVERY TIME ??
?? HE LIKES GUNS AND BOOZE ?
?
?? AND AFTERWARDS A SNOOZE ?
?
?? ROD STEELE IS A MAN
AMONG MEN ??
?? ROD STEELE IS A MAN
AMONG MEN ??
?? ROD STEELE IS HIS NAME ??
?? AND DEATH IS HIS GAME ??
?? HE'LL KILL
AND HE'LL MAIM ??
?? WITH A LAUGH ??
?? WITH A LAUGH ??
?? AND AFTER A CARAFE ??
?? HE'LL KILL YOUR GIRAFFE ?
?
?? HE'S STEEL THROUGH
AND THROUGH YOU WILL FIND ??
?? HE'S LOST HIS MIND ??
CONCORDE-NEW HORIZONS
CORPORATION
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CONCORDE-NEW HORIZONS
CORPORATION
Woman: OOH!
[MOANING]
[MOANING]
Man: SO, WHAT YOU
HAVE TO DO
IS JUST LAY BACK
A LITTLE BIT,
GIVE THE GUYS A CHANCE,
AND MAYBE YOU'LL
COME OUT OF IT
IN ONE PIECE.
IN ONE PIECE.
I'M ONLY GONNA TELL YA
ONE MORE TIME:
YOU CAN SELL DRUGS
TO FIFTH GRADERS,
BUT DON'T
SNATCH ANY KIDS
BELOW THE SEVENTH GRADE.
OUR WHITE
SLAVERY
CLIENTELE
LIKES GIRLS
TO HAVE AT LEAST
REACHED PUBERTY.
[DUCK QUACKING]
WHAT?
NO!
GUNS ARE FOR ALL AGES.
NO DISCRIMINATION THERE.
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[QUACKING]
[QUACKING]
"YOUR GOOSE IS COOKED"?
"YOUR GOOSE IS COOKED"?
[EXPLOSION]
[EXPLOSION]
MY GOD. WHO ARE YOU?
MY GOD. WHO ARE YOU?
STEELE. ROD STEELE.
DOUBLE-O-14.
DOUBLE-O-14.
I ALWAYS KNEW
THIS DAY WOULD COME.
I ALWAYS KNEW
THIS DAY WOULD COME.
THE DAY WHEN
YOUR DRUG-DEALING,
WHITE-SLAVING,
CHILD-KILLING STEPFATHER
WAS PUT TO SLEEP
BY THE SECRET SERVICE?
NO, THAT I WOULD BE
SEXUALLY RAVISHED
BY THE WORLD'S GREATEST
SECRET AGENT.
WELL, US SECRET AGENTS
ARE ALWAYS
UP FOR A CHALLENGE.
WHY DON'T YOU GET OUT
OF THOSE WET CLOTHES
AND JOIN ME.
AND JOIN ME.
HI-YAH!
[CLANK]
[GRUNTS]
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
HI-YAH!
HI-YAH!
[MOANING]
AAH.
AAH.
UNH.
UNH.
WHERE WERE WE?
WHERE WERE WE?
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
UNH.
UNH.
UNH.
UNH.
OH.
Man: WAH!
Man: WAH!
OHHH...
OHHH...
[BONE CRACKS]
HI-YAH!
HI-YAH!
[MOANING]
[MOANING]
[BEEP BEEP]
STEELE, THIS IS O.
Rod: I'M A LITTLE
BUSY RIGHT NOW.
O: I DON'T CARE.
WE NEED YOU.
THERE'S ANOTHER ASSIGNMENT.
BUT I BARELY
FINISHED THIS ONE.
I'M NOT GOING TO FEEL SORRY
FOR EMPLOYED SECRET AGENT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW MANY PEOPLE
WE'VE LET GO THIS MONTH?
OH!
O: WHAT?
OH!
O: WHAT?
OH!
WHAT?
[MOANING]
[MOANING]
[SCREAM ECHOING]
[SCREAM ECHOING]
AHH, THAT WAS WONDERFUL.
I SHOULD DO THAT
MORE OFTEN.
WHAT ABOUT--
SORRY, MAYBE NEXT TIME,
BIG BOY.
SORRY, MAYBE NEXT TIME,
BIG BOY.
O: AND THAT'S ALL
I'M GOING TO SAY.
COME RIGHT NOW.
LIKE IT'S THAT EASY.
LIKE IT'S THAT EASY.
?? ROD STEELE IS HIS NAME ??
?? AND DEATH IS HIS GAME ??
?? HE'LL KILL
AND HE'LL MAIM ??
?? WITH A LAUGH ??
?? WITH A LAUGH ??
?? AND AFTER A CARAFE ??
?? HE'LL KILL YOUR GIRAFFE ?
?
?? HE'S STEEL THROUGH
AND THROUGH YOU WILL FIND ??
?? THAT HE'S LOST HIS MIND ?
?
?? THAT HE'S LOST HIS MIND ?
?
?? ROD STEELE WILL NOT RUN ?
?
?? HE'S JUST TOO DAMN DUMB ?
?
?? HE'LL STAND UP
AND FIGHT ??
?? IF HE CAN ??
?? IF HE CAN ??
?? HE'S DRUNK AS A SKUNK ??
?? A BIG, MANLY HUNK ??
?? THE CLICKER
WILL CONQUER THE WORLD ??
?? THE CLICKER
WILL CONQUER THE WORLD ??
?? ROD STEELE IS A MAN ??
?? HIS OWN BIGGEST FAN ??
?? HE LIKES LOVE AND DEATH ?
?
?? BUT DON'T DARE
SMELL HIS BREATH ??
?? AND HIS BRAIN'S
IN HIS GUN ??
?? AND HE DOES IT FOR FUN ??
?? SO PROTECT YOUR GIRAFFE ?
?
?? FROM ROD STEELE ??
?? FROM ROD STEELE ??
?? ROD STEELE ??
?? ROD STEELE ??
?? ROD STEELE ??
?? ROD STEELE ??
GREAT FAKE FACADE, P.
GREAT FAKE FACADE, P.
P: YOU LIKE IT?
HA!
UNFORTUNATELY,
THAT'S ALL
THE AGENCY
COULD AFFORD.
THAT'S ALL
THE AGENCY
COULD AFFORD.
WHAT HAPPENED?
BUDGET CUTS
LEFT AND RIGHT.
THEY'VE EVEN CUT OUR
HEALTH INSURANCE.
OH, LOOK HERE,
STEELE,
THIS AGENCY
REALLY NEEDS A GOOD,
OLD-FASHIONED,
SAVE-THE-WORLD
TYPE OF CASE.
I HAD NO IDEA
THINGS WERE SO BAD.
WHERE'S O, P?
THEY'RE NOT PAYING
OVERTIME ANYMORE.
HERE'S
THE CASE HISTORY,
AND O MADE THIS TAPE
FOR YOU.
YOU CAN LISTEN TO IT
ON THE PLANE.
WHERE AM I GOING?
PRAGUE.
YOU'RE TRAVELING BY
[CLEARS THROAT] COACH.
COACH?
YES. BE GRATEFUL
IT'S NOT BY BOAT.
NOW THEN, I'VE, UH,
DESIGNED A FEW
GADGETS FOR YOU
THAT MAY
COME IN HANDY
ON THIS TRIP, EH?
[CHUCKLES]
UH...
TENNIS SHOES.
WHAT DO THEY DO?
THEY COMFORT YOUR FEET.
THEY COME IN VERY HANDY
IN CASE YOU HAVE TO RUN.
NOW, DON'T LOOK AT ME
LIKE THAT, STEELE.
I TOLD YOU.
WE'VE CUT BACK
TO THE BARE ESSENTIALS.
NOW THEN,
THERE'S
A TOOTHBRUSH,
AN ALARM CLOCK
IN CASE YOU
OVERSLEEP, EH?
OH, AND A FOUNTAIN PEN
THAT SHOOTS INK
IF YOU SHAKE IT UP,
SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
WELL, WHAT IS IT NOW?
I MISS ALL THE TOYS--
THE GRENADE POOL BALLS,
THE LASER-CUTTING
WEDDING RING,
THE ACID-LACED POSTAGE STAMP.
OH, YES. WELL,
UH...[LAUGHS]
THIS MIGHT
CHEER YOU UP, EH?
WHAT IS IT, A BEEPER?
NO, NO, NO.
I'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THIS ON THE SIDE.
SEE, IT'S A COMPACT
SELF-DEFENSE/
SURVEILLANCE SYSTEM.
SEE, THE ANTENNAE
WILL PICK UP
CONVERSATIONS
AT OVER 100 FEET
DISTANCE.
THIS DIAL
ON THE FRONT HERE
IS A HEAT-SENSITIVE
DIAL.
IT PICKS UP
BODY HEAT.
SO, IF YOU'RE
CREEPING ABOUT
AT NIGHT,
YOU'LL KNOW IF
THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE
OUT THERE, EH?
NOW, THE KNOB
ON THE BACK DROPS
A NERVE GAS PELLET.
THE KNOB ON THE SIDE
SHOOTS A DART
FROM THE ANTENNAE,
WHICH CAUSES
INSTANT PARALYSIS
WHICH LASTS
FOR UP TO 3 MINUTES.
YOU'VE OUTDONE
YOURSELF, P.
WELL, SOMEBODY
HAS TO HELP SOMEBODY
SAVE THE WORLD, EH, ROD?
THERE'S NOTHING BETTER
THAN HAVING A GOOD P.
YES--
HMM. WELL,
GOOD-BYE,
DOUBLE-O-14.
GOOD-BYE,
DOUBLE-O-14.
HOP IN, ROD.
PENNYWORTH?
YOU'RE MY DRIVER?
SOMEBODY HAS TO DRIVE
THE CAR BACK FROM THE AIRPORT.
THE AGENCY STOPPED
PAYING FOR PARKING.
THE AGENCY STOPPED
PAYING FOR PARKING.
I'M SURPRISED THEY
KEPT YOU ON STAFF.
WELL, ROD,
I GIVE GREAT HEAD.
WELL, ROD,
I GIVE GREAT HEAD.
I'M KIDDING.
[CHUCKLES]
I'M KIDDING.
I'M KIDDING.
Rod: I KNOW.
Rod: I KNOW.
I'D LIKE
A VODKA MARTINI,
SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED,
WITH A TOUCH
OF LEMON
AND ONE GREEN OLIVE
ON A WOODEN
TOOTHPICK,
PREFERABLY IMPORTED
FROM SOMEWHERE
IN THE ORIENT.
I--I DON'T THINK
OUR TOOTHPICKS
ARE FROM THE ORIENT.
ALL RIGHT.
SKIP THE OLIVE
AND GIVE ME
THE LEMON
ON THE SIDE.
THE LEMON
ON THE SIDE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
PROFESSOR KRANTZ?
I'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR YOUR CALL.
I'VE DECIDED WHAT TO DO
WITH THE CLICKER.
I'M TAKING IT
BACK HOME WITH ME.
I'M DISMANTLING IT
FOR SCIENTIFIC STUDY.
THIS THING IS
JUST TOO DANGEROUS
TO BE FLOATING
AROUND THE WORLD.
SEX DRIVES
ARE SO FRAGILE.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
I AM GREAT IN BED.
I WANT TO KNOW.
WHO'S BEEN
SAYING OTHERWISE?
NOBODY, PENNYWORTH.
IT COMES
WITH EXPERIENCE.
WHEN YOU'VE BEEN
WITH AS MANY WOMEN
AS I HAVE,
YOU GET
TO KNOW TYPES.
THE NICE GIRL TYPE
AND THE NOT-SO-NICE.
OH, AND I'M TOO NICE
TO ENGAGE IN ANY WILD
SEXUAL ACTIVITY?
I DON'T KNOW.
BE CAREFUL, ROD.
I COULD SURPRISE YOU
ONE OF THESE DAYS.
I'M AFRAID I'M BEYOND
THE POINT OF SURPRISE,
MY DEAR MISS PENNYWORTH.
IT COMES WITH THE JOB.
AAH!
AAH!
CHRIST, I COULD'VE
KILLED YOU.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[PANTING]
BARTENDER, BRING ME
A TOWEL IMMEDIATELY.
BARTENDER, BRING ME
A TOWEL IMMEDIATELY.
NOT THE TYPE, HUH?
I WISH I WAS THE TYPE.
SHOW HIM A THING OR TWO.
SHOW HIM A THING OR TWO.
[GROANING]
[GROANING]
DR. KRANTZ,
I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
UH, BYE.
UH, BYE.
WHERE'S THE TOWEL?
WHERE'S THE TOWEL?
JUST ONE MOMENT.
JUST ONE MOMENT.
WHAT TYPE
WOULD YOU SAY I AM?
MY TYPE.
GOOD ANSWER.
GOOD ANSWER.
DRINKS ARE ON ME.
DRINKS ARE ON ME.
[PLATE SMASHES]
[PLATE SMASHES]
[MOANING]
[MOANING]
[BOTTLES SMASH]
[BOTTLES SMASH]
Bartender:
OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT,
PENNYWORTH.
PRACTICE
MAKES PERFECT.
P.A.: THIS IS
THE FINAL BOARDING CALL
FOR FLIGHT 007 TO PRAGUE.
PASSENGERS FOR PRAGUE,
PLEASE BOARD NOW.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU
WHEN I GET BACK.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU
WHEN I GET BACK.
I'LL SHOW HIM PRACTICE.
I'LL SHOW HIM PRACTICE.
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
[ALARM WAILS]
[ALARM WAILS]
Rod: FORGOT TO LEAVE
MY GARAGE DOOR OPENER
AT HOME.
BEVERLY HILLS HOME.
[BEEP]
[ALARM WAILS]
[ALARM WAILS]
Policeman: I KNOW.
A GARAGE DOOR OPENER.
COME ON.
COME ON.
P.A.: ATTENTION,
ALL AIRPORT SECURITY.
ANOTHER LITTLE BOY
IS STUCK IN THE X-RAY
MACHINE AT GATE 9.
THIRD ONE THIS WEEK.
PERSONALLY, I THINK IT
HAS TO DO WITH GENETICS.
I HATE THOSE THINGS.
WITH A NAME LIKE STEELE,
YOU GET USED TO IT.
I SEE.
I SEE.
[BEEP]
UNH.
UNH.
P.A.: FLIGHT 007
IS NOW CLOSED.
FLIGHT 007 IS NOW CLOSED.
FLIGHT 007 IS NOW CLOSED.
Woman: SIR, STOP.
YOU CAN'T
GO IN THERE.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
YOU JUST CAN'T
GO IN THERE.
THE PLANE
HAS ALREADY LEFT.
THE PLANE
HAS ALREADY LEFT.
EXCUSE ME.
THE PLANE
THAT JUST LEFT
FROM GATE 8,
WHERE IS IT HEADED?
UH, PRAGUE.
PRAGUE? WELL, UH,
BOOK ME ON THE NEXT
FLIGHT TO PRAGUE.
BOOK ME ON THE NEXT
FLIGHT TO PRAGUE.
O: WELCOME BACK, STEELE.
NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY.
UNFORTUNATELY, THIS TAPE
DOESN'T SELF-DESTRUCT.
THAT STOCK'S
GOTTEN WAY TOO EXPENSIVE,
SO IF YOU COULD
JUST ERASE THIS TAPE
AND MAIL IT BACK,
THE AGENCY
WOULD APPRECIATE IT.
NOW, YOU ARE TO KEEP
A CLOSE WATCH ON THIS WOMAN,
MISS TANGERINA.
NO LAST NAME.
DON'T LET
HER APPEARANCE FOOL YOU.
SHE'S NICKNAMED
"THE SWEET TASTE OF DEATH."
A POWERFUL WOMAN, STEELE,
AND LIKE MOST
POWERFUL PEOPLE,
THEY WANT TO
TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
WE'RE NOT SURE
HOW SHE PLANS TO DO IT YET,
SO THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN.
CHECK OUT
THE REDLIGHT DISTRICT
WHEN YOU ARRIVE IN PRAGUE.
AGENT 0013
WAS SENT IN THERE
UNDERCOVER LAST WEEK,
AND WE'VE ALREADY
LOST CONTACT WITH HER.
THE SAFETY OF THE WORLD
LIES IN YOUR HANDS
AGAIN, STEELE.
PLEASE DON'T FUCK IT UP.
PLEASE DON'T FUCK IT UP.
GOOD EVENING.
ARE YOU IN THE MOOD
FOR SOME COMPANY TONIGHT?
NO, JUST SOME
COMPANIONSHIP.
YES. WELL, A BIG,
HANDSOME MAN LIKE YOU,
I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE.
SHOW ME.
SHOW ME.
ARE YOU INSANE,
WOMAN?
GIRLS.
I LIKE GIRLS.
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS.
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS.
WELL, IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.
YOU SHOULD HAVE
COME BY A WEEK AGO
BEFORE THAT DAMN PARTY.
WHAT HAPPENED?
MISS TANGERINA
HELD A GATHERING IN CANNES.
HIRED MY GIRLS,
EVERY SINGLE ONE.
AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED AT THAT PARTY,
BUT IT SPOILED THEM.
THEY QUIT.
THEY'RE EMPLOYED
BY TANGERINA NOW.
SHE PUT THE ENTIRE
REDLIGHT DISTRICT
OUT OF BUSINESS.
NOW I CAN ONLY HIRE MEN,
AND AS YOU CAN SEE,
IT'S NOT GOING VERY WELL.
I BELIEVE THE PROBLEM
LIES IN THE GENES.
THAT TANGERINA BITCH.
YOU KNOW,
SHE ALREADY HAS CONTROL
OVER THE RESTAURANTS
AND THE CASINOS
IN MONTE CARLO.
NOW SHE HAS
THE MONOPOLY ON SEX.
WHAT'S A MADAM TO DO?
DIE!
[FIRING
AUTOMATIC WEAPON]
[FIRING
AUTOMATIC WEAPON]
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO
MADAMS WHO TALK TOO MUCH.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO
MADAMS WHO TALK TOO MUCH.
[ALARM CLOCK BEEPING]
TIME'S UP.
TIME'S UP.
[TURNS OFF ALARM CLOCK]
WELL, THANK GOODNESS
YOU WERE HERE.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE
WITH THAT
ALARM CLOCK.
JUST LUCKILY HAD
THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE JOB.
WELL, I WOULD NEVER
HAVE HIRED HER
IF I KNEW SHE
WAS GOING TO PULL
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
SHE WORKS FOR YOU?
YES. I HIRED HER
LAST WEEK,
BUT THEN SHE QUIT TO
WORK FOR TANGERINA,
LIKE ALL THE OTHERS.
WELL, I'D LIKE
TO TALK TO HER.
CAN I USE
ONE OF YOUR BACK ROOMS?
OF COURSE.
AND I'LL GIVE YOU
HALF-PRICE. $200.
BUT I JUST WANT
TO TALK TO THE GIRL.
I ALREADY GAVE YOU
SAVED-MY-LIFE
DISCOUNT.
YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.
YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.
[ALARM CLOCK BEEPS]
MOMMY,
ONE MORE HOUR, PLEASE.
P COMES
THROUGH AGAIN.
P COMES
THROUGH AGAIN.
WHERE AM I?
NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN, DOUBLE-O-13.
AND TO SEE
SO MUCH OF YOU.
ROD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
STOPPING YOU FROM
KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE.
WOULD YOU CARE
TO EXPLAIN WHAT JUST
HAPPENED BACK THERE?
WHAT DID I DO?
BEFORE, DURING,
OR AFTER THE GUN-CRAZED
SHOOTING SPREE?
I DON'T KNOW.
EVERYTHING'S A BLUR
SINCE I LEFT TANGERINA'S.
DID TANGERINA
SEND YOU HERE
TO KILL MADAM GRETA
OR DID YOU
JUST REALLY HATE
THE INTERIOR DESIGN
OF THIS PLACE?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T REMEMBER.
CHEAP PAPER CURTAINS,
TACKY PICTURES
ON THE WALL,
UGLY VELVETEEN COUCH.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
QUIET.
PRETEND YOU'RE
BRAINWASHED.
ROD, I THINK
IWASBRAINWASHED.
ROD, I THINK
IWASBRAINWASHED.
YOU'VE TALKED ENOUGH.
IT'S MY TURN.
HOW DARE YOU
TRY TO KILL ME.
I SHOULD HAVE
CALLED THE POLICE
A LONG TIME AGO.
I'M SORRY. I HAD NO CONTROL
OVER WHAT I WAS DOING.
IT WAS LIKE AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE
GOING THROUGH MY SYSTEM.
MEXICAN FOOD.
MEXICAN FOOD.
I MAKE DEAL.
YOU TAKE MY NEXT CLIENT,
AND I WON'T
GO TO POLICE.
I--
GOOD. DEAL.
BE NICE.
HE'S VERY RICH.
HE WORKS IN THE CASINOS
IN MONTE CARLO.
I GET HIM.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
WHEN IN ROME.
WE'RE NOT IN ROME.
WE'RE IN A SLEAZY BROTHEL.
LOOK, YOU'VE CALLED
TOO MUCH ATTENTION
TO US AS IT IS.
TRY TO GET
SOME INFORMATION
OUT OF THIS GUY
ABOUT THE CASINO.
MEANWHILE, I'LL BE
OUTSIDE LISTENING
JUST IN CASE THINGS
GET OUT OF HAND.
I KNEW I SHOULD'VE
NEVER TAKEN THIS COVER.
I MAKE A TERRIBLE WHORE.
OH, BUT YOU MAKE
A FANTASTIC WHORE.
I COULD GO
WHORE HUNTING FOR WEEKS
AND NEVER FIND ANYONE
AS GOOD AS YOU.
THOSE OTHER SLUTS
PALE IN COMPARISON.
BELIEVE ME, BELL,
YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE
NUMBER ONE WHORE
IN MY BOOK.
FEEL BETTER?
UNH.
OOH. UNH.
OOH. UNH.
YEAH.
A ROUGH ONE.
GOOD.
YOU'RE A
LUCKY MAN.
YOU'RE A
LUCKY MAN.
GOOD EVENING,
FRAULEIN.
GOOD EVENING,
FRAULEIN.
HELLO.
NICE TO MAKE
YOUR ACQUAINTANCE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
SO, UM, I, UH,
HEAR YOU WORK
AT THE CASINO
TANGERINA TOWERS.
IT'S THE HAPPIEST
PLACE ON EARTH.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I THOUGHT THAT
WAS WALLY WORLD.
THAT DEPENDS
ON YOUR DEFINITION
OF HAPPINESS.
THAT DEPENDS
ON YOUR DEFINITION
OF HAPPINESS.
UM, LOOK,
I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
I-I'M A LITTLE
NEW AT THIS.
OH, THAT'S OK.
I DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
OH, THAT'S OK.
I DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
Man: YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
YEAH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
[PUNCH]
Man: YEAH.
COME ON.
Man: YEAH.
COME ON.
[PUNCH]
HIT ME LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
THAT I CAN DO.
THAT I CAN DO.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
UNH.
[MOANING]
OH, GOD.
OH, GOD.
OH. OH.
OH, YEAH.
OH, GOD.
[MOANING]
OH, GOD.
YOU ARE GOOD AT THIS.
IT'S THIS FEELING...
I FEEL...
I FEEL...
[GASPING]
OH.
WHAT IS IT YOU FEEL?
OH, I FEEL--
OH, I FEEL
LIKE TAKING
THIS SEX DRIVE
FOR A SPIN.
Man: YEAH.
[GROANING]
DO IT TO ME,
YOU GORGEOUS GERMAN
JACKHAMMER.
YOU GORGEOUS GERMAN
JACKHAMMER.
TELL ME...
TELL YOU...
WHEN DOES TANGERINA
GO TO HER CASINO?
OH. YEAH.
TELL ME.
OOH.
TELL ME.
AAH. 10:00.
ON FRIDAYS.
YEAH.
[MOANING]
[MOANING]
Man: OH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.
Man:
YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.
Man:
YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.
WAY TO GO, DOUBLE-O-13.
DID YOU PAY MADAM GRETA
TO LISTEN?
I'M SORRY. DID YOU
SAY SOMETHING?
WE GO SEE MADAM GRETA NOW.
YES.
YES.
I WARN YOU,
I KNOW HOW TO USE THIS.
I KNOW HOW TO USE THIS.
FUCK YOU.
UNH.
UNH.
EAT THIS,
YOU SWEDISH MEATBALL.
EAT THIS,
YOU SWEDISH MEATBALL.
[BONES CRACKING]
[BONES CRACKING]
THANK YOU, MY DEAR.
I OWE YOU ONE.
I OWE YOU ONE.
BELL,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE
I'M DOING?
I'M PUMPING ANSWERS
OUT OF HIM.
AMONG OTHER THINGS.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
COME ON,
LET'S CHECK
INTO A HOTEL.
LET'S CHECK
INTO A HOTEL.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
UH, WHAT'S OUR
COVER GOING TO BE?
DEFINITELY
A HONEYMOON COUPLE.
OK.
OK.
[THUNDER]
[THUNDER]
PUSSY L'AMOUR
REPORTING IN, MISTRESS.
YES, MY LITTLE PUSSY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WELL,
WORSHIPPER BELL HAS
FAILED IN HER MISSION
TO KILL MADAM GRETA.
DID SHE TALK?
WE THINK SO.
THERE WAS AN AMERICAN
THERE ASKING QUESTIONS.
BELL LEFT WITH HIM.
HIS NAME WAS STEELE.
ROD STEELE.
YES, MR. STEELE.
SECRET AGENT DOUBLE-0-14.
I KNOW HIS WORK.
FIND HIM AND KILL HIM.
ANY METHOD I CHOOSE?
SURE. WHY NOT?
OH, BUT BRING BACK
A FULL CONTAINER OF HIM.
HE WOULD MAKE
A WONDERFUL ADDITION
TO MY COLLECTION.
DO I HAVE TO
BE THE ONE
TO COLLECT
HIS SPECIMEN?
NO. TAKE AREOLA
AND FANNY,
AND MAYBE DICK'LL
COME IN HANDY.
I DON'T NEED ANY DICK.
DON'T FAIL ME, PUSSY.
STRETCH DOES NOT
LIKE FAILURES.
STRETCH DOES NOT
LIKE FAILURES.
[ON TELEPHONE]
YES, IT'S FEZ.
I'VE JUST LANDED
IN PRAGUE.
I DON'T KNOW.
HIS NAME IS STEELE.
PROBABLY JUST
ANOTHER BUSINESSMAN
ON A COMPANY TRIP.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL LOCATE HIM
AND GET BACK
THE CLICKER.
HE SEEMED LIKE
A NICE GUY.
I'M SURE I WON'T HAVE
ANY MAJOR PROBLEMS.
THESE SUITS
ARE ALL THE SAME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
[CHUCKLES]
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
[CHUCKLES]
I KNOW WE'RE POSING
AS A COUPLE OF HONEYMOONERS,
BUT DID YOU HAVE TO
BE SO EXPLICIT
ABOUT MY SEXUAL TASTE
TO THE DESK CLERK?
I'M SORRY. I WAS ON A ROLL.
NOW, TELL ME EVERYTHING
YOU CAN REMEMBER,
FROM THE BEGINNING.
OK. I CAME HERE
TO INVESTIGATE
THE DISAPPEARANCE
OF SOME OF THE GIRLS
FROM THE BROTHEL,
SO I LANDED A JOB
WITH MADAM GRETA,
AND THAT'S WHEN
I HEARD ABOUT
TANGERINA.
I WENT UP TO HER
MANSION IN CANNES
WITH A FEW
OF THE OTHER WOMEN.
WE WERE--WE WERE LED
INTO A DARK ROOM,
AND THE NEXT THING
I REMEMBER,
I WAS WAKING UP
BACK IN THE BROTHELS
WITH YOU.
SOUNDS LIKE I SHOULD
GET INVITED
TO ONE OF TANGERINA'S
NEXT PARTIES.
TO FIND OUT HOW SHE'S
BRAINWASHING PEOPLE.
WHAT? OH, YES.
THAT, TOO.
WELL, FRITZ TOLD ME
THAT TANGERINA USUALLY
SHOWS UP
AT HER MONTE CARLO
CASINO AROUND 10:00 P.M.
WELL, THEN IT'S OFF
TO MONTE CARLO.
YOU'D BETTER WASH UP.
I'M GONNA CALL
HEADQUARTERS.
I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT
WHY THIS THING DOESN'T WORK.
P'S NEVER
LET ME DOWN BEFORE.
P'S NEVER
LET ME DOWN BEFORE.
YES, I'D LIKE TO MAKE
A CALL TO THE STATES,
PLEASE.
OH, JUST ONE MOMENT.
I HAVE IT HERE.
OH, JUST ONE MOMENT.
I HAVE IT HERE.
AH. YES, IT'S
1-900-PROTECT.
HOW MUCH PER MINUTE?!
YES. PUT IT ON MY TAB.
THE NAME IS STEELE.
ROD STEELE.
[GERMAN ACCENT]
YA, MR. STEELE,
PLEASE WAIT
A FEW MINUTES
WHILE I CONNECT
YOUR CALL.
WHILE I CONNECT
YOUR CALL.
ZIS IS INFORMANT
SECHZIG NEUN.
I HAVE LOCATED
AGENT STEELE.
HE IS IN
THE HOTEL SCHLITZ.
ZE HONEYMOON SUITE.
OF COURSE I WILL
STAY ON ZE LINE.
[TELEPHONES RINGING]
WHAT CITY, PLEASE?
ALL OF HIS SECRETS
VIL SOON BE OURS.
ALL OF HIS SECRETS
VIL SOON BE OURS.
THANK YOU, MY MISTRESS.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
JUST A FEW MORE MINUTES,
MR. STEELE.
YOUR CALL IS GOING THROUGH.
STEELE, CAN YOU GET ME
SOME MORE SHAMPOO?
I'M ALL OUT IN HERE.
OF COURSE, MY LOVE.
OF COURSE, MY LOVE.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
SPELL THAT?
OH.
OH.
THAT IS NOT EVEN A CITY.
THAT IS NOT EVEN A CITY.
YES, YOU ARE WELCOME.
OOH. OOH. OH...
OOH. OOH. OH...
JUST HOLD, PLEASE.
[MOANING]
[MOANING]
14, HOLD.
14, HOLD.
[SEVERAL TELEPHONES RINGING]
[BUSY SIGNALS BEEPING]
[SEVERAL TELEPHONES RINGING]
[BUSY SIGNALS BEEPING]
I'M SORRY.
COULD YOU PLEASE
HOLD THE LINE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
YOU'RE ON DUTY.
NO SEX CALLS DURING
WORKING HOURS.
IT'S NOT A SEX CALL.
OH, THAT'S BETTER.
OH, MUCH BETTER. OH.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OH!
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OH!
OPERATOR.
MAY I HELP YOU?
OPERATOR.
MAY I HELP YOU?
OH, MY GOODNESS.
OK. GOOD AFTERNOON.
WHAT CITY?
OK. GOOD AFTERNOON.
WHAT CITY?
NO, NO. THAT'S JUST
A LITTLE STATIC.
NO, NO. THAT'S JUST
A LITTLE STATIC.
WHAT SEX--
I MEAN CITY, SIR.
OH, MY.
OH, MY.
[TONE BEEPING]
THIS IS--
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS--
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
[TELEPHONES RINGING]
[SEVERAL TELEPHONES RINGING]
Man: HELLO?
[PASSIONATE MOANING
OVER TELEPHONES]
Second man: HOLD ON. YES.
Woman: YA? HELLO?
HELLO?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
[TONE BEEPING]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
EXCUSE ME, HOW
ARE WE SUPPOSED TO
GET ANY WORK DONE?
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
OK.
OK.
OK.
[BEEPS]
[OPERATOR SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
[PASSIONATE MOANING]
[PASSIONATE MOANING]
SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO HELP YOU SCRUB YOUR BACK?
ROD, YOU CAN
SCRUB MY BACK
WHEN YOUR ROD REALLY
TURNS TO STEEL, STEELE.
WHEN YOUR ROD REALLY
TURNS TO STEEL, STEELE.
[VOICES ON TELEPHONES]
[PASSIONATE MOANING]
[VOICES ON TELEPHONES]
[PASSIONATE MOANING]
[TELEPHONES RINGING]
[MOANING OVER PHONE LINES]
Man:??QUI?N ES?
Indian man: HI.
YOU HAVE REACHED INDIA.
[SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE]
Man: CHELSEA?
Man: CHELSEA?
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OH, WOW!
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OH, WOW!
[MOANING OVER TELEPHONE LINE]
[MOANING OVER TELEPHONE LINE]
HELLO? HAS MY CALL
COME THROUGH YET?
NO, IT HASN'T,
BUT I WILL.
TALK DIRTY
TO ME.
COME ON, BABY.
TELL ME HOW MUCH
YOU WANNA SUCK
MY HARD,
SWOLLEN NIPPLES.
TELL ME WHAT
A BIG, HARD COCK
YOU HAVE.
THAT'S NICE OF YOU
TO SAY.
YEAH? WELL,
HOW 'BOUT THIS?
NOW I'M FANTASIZING
OF YOU PUMPING HARD
INSIDE ME.
OH, MY HOT THIGH
IS PRESSED AGAINST
YOUR EARS.
THAT'S WHAT I CALL
CALL WAITING.
UH, IS THIS
A NEW SERVICE?
BEATS THE HELL
OUT OF MUZAK.
BEATS THE HELL
OUT OF MUZAK.
[GASPS]
AAH!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
AAH! OH...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
AAH! OH...
[TELEPHONE BEEPS]
[TONE BEEPING]
[TONE BEEPING]
OH, YES!
OH, YEAH.
YEAH!
OH, YEAH.
YEAH!
OOH.
OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
[CHUCKLES]
I HOPE YOU'RE ALMOST
FINISHED IN THERE.
I THINK I'M GOING
TO NEED A COLD SHOWER
MYSELF.
I THINK I'M GOING
TO NEED A COLD SHOWER
MYSELF.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I'M SORRY. YOU'LL HAVE
TO CONNECT MY CALL
ANOTHER TIME.
Woman, over phone:
OH, YES! OOH. OOH.
SO ENTHUSIASTIC.
SO ENTHUSIASTIC.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO IS IT?
Women: MAID SERVICE.
Women: MAID SERVICE.
I'M AREOLA.
Both: WE'VE COME
TO TURN DOWN YOUR BED.
AND I WAS HOPING
YOU'D COME
TO ACCEPT.
WELL, COME IN.
COME IN.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO SHOW YOU HOW
TO UNLOCK YOUR BAR?
PLEASE.
PLEASE.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE,
REALLY.
YOU INSERT AND TURN
UNTIL YOU HEAR
A GENTLE POP.
IT'S AMAZING
HOW MANY ACTIVITIES
FOLLOW THE SAME RULE.
FOLLOW THE SAME RULE.
UHH. UNH!
UHH. UNH!
AAH!
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GET SOMETHING
OFF YOUR CHEST?
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GET SOMETHING
OFF YOUR CHEST?
AAH!
AAH!
WHAT'S THAT?
MY PEN.
WHAT'S IT DO?
COME ANY CLOSER
AND YOU'LL FIND OUT.
STEELE,
THERE'S NO LATHER
IN THE SHAMPOO.
STEELE,
THERE'S NO LATHER
IN THE SHAMPOO.
WHO ARE YOU?
THEY CALL ME
PUSSY L'AMOUR.
IS THAT TRUE?
THROW ME A FISH
AND SEE.
HOLD HIM.
HOLD HIM.
WHAT ARE YOU
PLANNING TO DO?
GIVING YOU
A LITTLE SPERM TEST.
I'M NOT INTO
ELECTRONIC TOYS.
YOU WILL BE.
FIRST YOU'LL COME,
THEN YOU'LL GO.
I GET YOUR POINT.
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
FINALLY,
SOMETHING THAT WORKS.
FINALLY,
SOMETHING THAT WORKS.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO LAST
3 MINUTES.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO LAST
3 MINUTES.
OH! OOH.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
KILL HIM!
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
MMM. EAT ME.
MMM. EAT ME.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
KILL HIM!
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OOH. EAT ME.
OOH.
OOH.
P DIDN'T TELL ME
ABOUT THIS FUNCTION.
P DIDN'T TELL ME
ABOUT THIS FUNCTION.
OOH. OH...
OOH. OH...
[ROD CHUCKLES]
[ROD CHUCKLES]
OOH. OH.
OOH. OH.
Bell: WHAT IS THIS?!
Bell: WHAT IS THIS?!
WHO SAID YOU
COULD ORDER IN
ENTERTAINMENT?
I DIDN'T ORDER THIS.
THEY CAME
TO BEAT ME UP
AND TAKE MY SPERM.
YOU DISGUST ME.
I'LL BE WAITING
IN THE CAR.
NO, NO, NO. WAIT.
YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
JUST--
JUST--
LOCK UP
WHEN YOU LEAVE.
OOH.
OOH.
OOH.
OOH.
Rod: BELL, I CAN EXPLAIN.
Man: OK.
HOTEL SCHLITZ, DR. FEZ.
Rod: BELL,
WOULD YOU LOOK AT ME
WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU?
WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU?
TANGERINA'S
NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY
WITH OUR FAILURE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
YES? COME IN.
YES? COME IN.
OH, I-I'M SORRY.
UH, I'M LOOKING
FOR MR. STEELE.
ARE YOU
A FRIEND OF HIS?
WELL, MORE OF
AN ACQUAINTANCE,
ACTUALLY.
YOU SEE,
HE GAVE ME THIS--
THIS BOX BY MISTAKE.
AAH!
AAH!
CONSOLATION
PRIZE.
CONSOLATION
PRIZE.
Rod: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
P'S BOX IS MALFUNCTIONING.
IT'S MALFUNCTIONING
BEAUTIFULLY, MIND YOU,
BUT IT'S STILL--
Bell: I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR YOUR SORDID
SEX LIFE.
Bell: I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR YOUR SORDID
SEX LIFE.
Bell: AHEM.
Bell: AHEM.
THANK YOU, MY GOOD MAN.
THAT BASTARD STOLE
MY DRINK!
G-G-GIVE--GIVE ME--
NOW, WHAT'D YOU SAY
HER FAVORITE GAME WAS?
7-CARD STUD.
7-CARD STUD IT IS.
ARE YOU ANY GOOD
AT 7-CARD STUD, ROD?
BELL, YOU'RE
IN THE PRESENCE
OF A CARD PLAYER
EXTRAORDINAIRE
WITH SUPERHUMAN SKILL
AND KNOWLEDGE
WHEN IT COMES TO GAMES
INVOLVING HEARTS,
DIAMONDS, SPADES,
AND THOSE BLACK,
CLOVER-SHAPED SYMBOLS
WITH THE ROUNDED EDGES.
OK.
Man: YOU OWE ME 4.50!
Man: YOU OWE ME 4.50!
Man: RIGHT.
[CHUCKLES]
DON'T SHOW YOUR CARDS,
SWEETHEART.
[LAUGHS]
RELAX, DARLING.
WE'RE ON VACATION.
STOP. WILL YOU
PAY ATTENTION, PLEASE?
OH, DON'T
BE SO STRANGE.
YOU'RE ALWAYS
SO STINGY.
IT'S MY MONEY.
NO, IT'S MY MONEY.
HOW IS IT YOUR MONEY?
BECAUSE IT'S
MY MONEY, HONEY.
OH, COME ON.
LET'S VACATION.
LET'S HAVE FUN.
EXCUSE ME.
YES, YES, YES!
EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU
TELL ME WHEN A TABLE
WILL OPEN UP?
CAN'T REALLY SAY, SIR.
SOMETIMES THESE PEOPLE
PLAY ALL NIGHT.
THANK YOU.
STEELE STUCK
ON STANDBY.
MISS TANGERINA,
IT'S DICK.
MISS TANGERINA,
IT'S DICK.
WHAT IS IT, DICK?
STEELE'S HERE.
TABLE 8.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
I'LL BE OUT
IN A MINUTE.
I'LL BE OUT
IN A MINUTE.
I CAN SENSE
2 OPENINGS
RIGHT
STRAIGHT AHEAD.
WATCH.
WATCH.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
UHH!
[GASPS]
YOUR BET, MA'AM.
OH. OH!
OH. OH!
Man: THAT IS
TOO RICH FOR ME.
Woman: YEAH, I'M OUT.
Second man: I'M OUT.
THAT'S IT.
YOU WIN.
[LAUGHS]
[MOANING]
ROGER...
PLEASE COLLECT
THE CHIPS.
I HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM.
OH! OH, ROGER!
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
UH, MEGAN.
MEGAN. MEGAN.
EXCU--EXCUSE ME.
I'LL JOIN YOU.
OH!
WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHIPS?
CAN I HAVE THEM?
UH, YEAH. KEEP 'EM.
MEGAN!
MEGAN!
LOVELY PLACE.
FREE CHIPS.
FRIENDLY PEOPLE.
WHAT MORE
COULD ONE ASK FOR?
WHAT MORE
COULD ONE ASK FOR?
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU PLAYED THIS GAME,
MR. STEELE.
HAVE WE MET?
I'M MISS TANGERINA,
AND THIS IS MY PLACE.
IT'S AN HONOR
TO MET YOU,
MISS TANGERINA.
I'VE HEARD SO MUCH
ABOUT YOU,
BUT IT CAN'T COMPARE
TO SEEING YOU IN THE FLESH.
PLEASE, DON'T GET UP.
I'M STILL WET.
OF COURSE YOU ARE.
YOU'RE SITTING
AT MY FAVORITE TABLE.
CARE TO PLAY A ROUND
WITH ME?
I'D LOVE TO
PLAY AROUND WITH YOU.
I'D LOVE TO
PLAY AROUND WITH YOU.
Man: I GUESS THAT'S
OUR CUE TO LEAVE.
Second man:
I SUPPOSE SO.
OK.
OK.
I HOPE YOU LIKE
YOUR STAKES HIGH,
MR. STEELE.
HIGH, HOT,
AND MEDIUM-RARE,
I ALWAYS SAY.
HIGH, HOT,
AND MEDIUM-RARE,
I ALWAYS SAY.
ALL RIGHT, THEN,
7-CARD STUD.
ALL RIGHT, THEN,
7-CARD STUD.
FIRST ONE UP.
3.
3.
ACE.
ACE.
10.
QUEEN.
QUEEN.
5.
KING.
KING.
POSSIBLE STRAIGHT,
ACE HIGH.
10 HIGH.
JUST LUCKY, I GUESS.
NOTHING UP MY SLEEVES.
NOTHING UP MY SLEEVES.
THANK GOD I'VE GOT
SOMETHING UP MINE.
WHY DON'T YOU FOLD?
STEELE NEVER FOLDS.
IT DOES
UNDER EXTREME
PRESSURE.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
LAST CARD.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
LAST CARD.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
UNH!
MMMPH! HMMMM!
MMMPH! HMMMM!
[GIGGLES]
[GIGGLES]
[LAUGHS]
DEAL THE CARDS, MORON!
[STIFLED GIGGLE]
[STIFLED GIGGLE]
HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA!
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
DAMN. I GUESS WE'LL HAVE
TO CONSIDER THIS GAME
A MISDEAL.
YOU'RE FIRED. GET OUT.
[HIGH-TONED VOICE]
YES, MA'AM. MM.
[HIGH-TONED VOICE]
YES, MA'AM. MM.
I TAKE IT THE POT STAYS IN
AND WE DEAL ANOTHER ROUND.
ABSOLUTELY, MR. STEELE.
AND SINCE THIS IS
MY ESTABLISHMENT,
I'M SURE YOU WON'T MIND
THAT I DEAL THIS ROUND.
BE MY GUEST.
BE MY GUEST.
IT'S MY TURN
TO HAVE SOME...
FUN.
FUN.
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OHH...
OHH...
NEXT CARD?
NEXT CARD?
GET DOWN.
WHAT?
ON THE FLOOR NOW!
WHAT?
ON THE FLOOR NOW!
OH. UHH--
AHH.
AHH.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
[MOANING]
WHAT...DO...UHH...YOU..
UHH...HAVE...OH...
UHH...HAVE...OH...
MR. STEELE? OH! OH!
MR. STEELE? OH! OH!
FULL HOUSE.
FULL HOUSE.
YOU PLAY A GOOD GAME,
MR. STEELE.
YOU PLAY A GOOD GAME,
MR. STEELE.
SO DO YOU,
MISS TANGERINA.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
TO STOP BY
MY HUMBLE ABODE
TOMORROW NIGHT
IN CANNES.
I'M HAVING A LITTLE PARTY.
WE COULD HAVE A REMATCH.
WE'D LOVE TO.
WELL, HONEY, WE
REALLY OUGHT TO GO.
I HAVE TO
PICK UP MY DRESS
BACK
AT THE HOTEL ROOM.
BACK IN PRAGUE?
IT BETTER BE
ONE HELL OF A DRESS.
UNTIL TOMORROW.
I CAN'T WAIT.
I CAN'T WAIT.
[WATER SIZZLING]
AHH.
AHH.
ARE YOU SURE
IT'S A GOOD IDEA
INVITING STEELE
OVER?
STEELE MUST DIE.
WHAT BETTER TIME
AND PLACE?
STAGE 2 OF MY PLAN
BEGINS TOMORROW NIGHT,
AND NOBODY--
NOT EVEN STEELE--
CAN STOP IT.
AS WE SPEAK,
MY WORSHIPPERS
ARE COLLECTING
THE FINAL SPECIMENS
FOR STAGE ONE.
IN FACT,
THE PRINCE OF DENMARK
IS ABOUT READY
TO GRACE OUR PRESENCE.
HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA.
HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA.
[EXOTIC RHYTHM PLAYING]
[EXOTIC RHYTHM PLAYING]
WAIT'LL I TELL
THE DUKES BACK HOME
ABOUT THIS.
ABOUT THIS.
I'M ALMOST THERE.
I'M ALMOST THERE.
NOT YET.
NOT YET.
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
OH, YOU'RE THE BEST.
THE BEST.
THE BEST.
OH, YA. OH.
THANKS, FRITZ,
BUT I CAN'T TAKE
ALL THE CREDIT.
IF YOU'RE THERE,
THEN WHO--
YOU MEAN WHAT.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
OH, MY GOD! OH!
YOU'VE HEARD
OF THE TAX COLLECTOR?
WELL, MEET
THE SPERM COLLECTOR.
GET IT OFF ME.
GET IT OFF! OH!
WHY? DOESN'T IT
FEEL GOOD?
OH, YEAH. TOO GOOD.
OH--OH, MY GOD.
OH. I CAN'T HOLD BACK.
THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA.
OH! OH!
OH! OH!
IT'S--IT'S NOT STOPPING.
IT'S--IT'S NOT STOPPING.
AND NEITHER ARE YOU,
RIGHT?
[BELL RINGING]
[BICYCLE HORN
HONKING]
[BICYCLE HORN
HONKING]
TOLD YOU THEY'D
BE GONE BY NOW.
TOLD YOU THEY'D
BE GONE BY NOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
P GAVE YOU THIS.
ALL HE GAVE ME
WAS A STUPID
BLOW-UP DOLL.
WHAT DID IT DO?
IT BLEW UP,
LITERALLY.
YOU KNOW,
WITH GADGETS
LIKE THIS,
I COULD'VE
SOLVED THIS CASE
SINGLE-HANDEDLY.
THEY JUST
DON'T TRUST ME
AT THE AGENCY.
THEY THINK
I'M UNLUCKY.
WHAT MAKES YOU
SAY THAT, DOUBLE-0-13?
WHAT MAKES YOU
SAY THAT, DOUBLE-0-13?
OH. OH!
WHO IS THIS GUY?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT HE LOOKS
STRANGELY
FAMILIAR.
THEY TOOK IT.
I TRIED
TO GET IT BACK,
BUT THEY
KNOCKED ME OUT,
AND THEY TOOK IT.
TOOK WHAT?
OUR CLICKERS.
WE GOT 'EM
MIXED UP
AT THE AIRPORT.
WE GOT 'EM
MIXED UP
AT THE AIRPORT.
I GOT YOURS,
AND YOU GOT--
OH, GIVE IT TO ME.
OF COURSE.
P COULD
NEVER COME UP
WITH SOMETHING
THAT GOOD
ON HIS
OWN BUDGET.
THAT'S QUITE
A LITTLE DEVICE
YOU HAVE THERE.
OH, NO.
YOU USED IT?
ONLY IN DIRE
SITUATIONS.
YOU'VE GOTTA
GIVE IT BACK.
YOU HAVE
TO HAND IT BACK.
IT'S NOT SAFE
IN THE PUBLIC'S
HANDS.
OH, I AGREE
WITH YOU THERE.
LUCKILY, WE'RE
NOT PUBLIC.
DOUBLE-0-13
AND I
ARE WITH
THE SECRET
SERVICE.
HMM?
THAT'S EVEN WORSE.
MAYBE SO, BUT WE
NEED YOUR BOX
FOR ONE MORE
NIGHT.
THE FATE
OF THE WORLD
DEPENDS ON IT.
THAT'S WHAT
THEY ALL SAY.
LOOK, BUDDY, WE GOT
A POWER-HUNGRY,
WORLD-CONTROLLING BITCH
OUT THERE.
WE NEED ALL THE HELP
WE CAN GET.
WE'RE GOING
TO DESTROY HER
AND HER
OPERATION
TOMORROW NIGHT.
AFTER THAT,
THE BOX IS
ALL YOURS.
AFTER THAT,
THE BOX IS
ALL YOURS.
OH. I GUESS
I HAVE NO CHOICE.
UM, BUT IF YOU'RE
GONNA SAVE THE WORLD,
I--I SHOULD SHOW YOU
ALL OF ITS FUNCTIONS
AND OPERATIONS.
YOU MEAN IT DOES MORE
THAN JUST SEXUALLY
TURN PEOPLE ON?
OH, YES.
YES, A LOT MORE.
[THUNDER]
[THUNDER]
[MACHINES BEEPING]
[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]
[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]
Tangerina: PUSSY,
PUSSY, PUSSY.
Tangerina: PUSSY,
PUSSY, PUSSY.
I WARNED YOU WHAT
WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU
IF YOU FAILED ME.
WHAT IS WRONG
WITH EVERYONE?
FIRST MY TELEPHONE
INFORMER WINDS UP
GETTING BUSTED
FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE.
NOW YOU.
PLEASE. I PROMISE
TO SUCCEED NEXT TIME.
IT WAS THAT DAMN BOX.
THE BOX?!
I WANT STEELE,
NOT HIS BOX!
THE BOX?!
I WANT STEELE,
NOT HIS BOX!
A LESSON MUST BE TAUGHT.
A LESSON MUST BE TAUGHT.
STRETCH...
FEEDING TIME.
[HISSING]
[HISSING]
NO. PLEASE.
NO. PLEASE.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
YOUR MOST LOYAL SERVANT.
YOU DON'T WANT
TO WASTE ME
ON A POISONOUS SNAKE.
POISONOUS SNAKE!
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
STRETCH WAS DE-FANGED
A LONG TIME AGO.
NOT POISONOUS?
NOT POISONOUS?
THEN WHAT'S HE GOING TO--
THEN WHAT'S HE GOING TO--
OOH!
I TAUGHT HIM
EVERYTHING HE KNOWS.
SNAKES HAVE
SUCH WONDERFUL TONGUES.
DON'T YOU AGREE?
OH, GOD.
WHAT IS HE DOING TO ME?
I NEVER--
OH, I'VE NEVER--OH!
OH, I'VE NEVER--OH!
BUT--BUT I THOUGHT
YOU WERE GOING TO PUNISH ME.
STRETCH CAN GO ON
LIKE THAT FOR DAYS.
CAN YOU?
CAN YOU?
Dick on intercom:
MISS TANGERINA,
YOUR GUESTS ARE ARRIVING.
OOPS. GOTTA GO.
STAGE 2
OF MY PLAN BEGINS.
OH, BY THE WAY,
2 DAYS IS AS LONG
AS ANYONE'S LASTED.
NOW, PUSSY,
I'M COUNTING ON YOU
TO BREAK THAT RECORD.
TO BREAK THAT RECORD.
TA-TA.
TA-TA.
OH, STRETCH.
OH, STRETCH!
OH, STRETCH!
OH, STRETCH!
HOW DO I LOOK?
LIKE A SLUT.
QUIT
FOOLING AROUND.
QUIT
FOOLING AROUND.
AMAZING DEVICE, DOCTOR.
YOU EVER CONSIDERED
GOVERNMENT WORK?
HMM. I'VE BEEN
TO WASHINGTON.
DOESN'T SUIT ME.
SO THE BACK BUTTON
CAN TRANSFORM A PERSON,
THE FRONT KNOB
IS A STIMULATOR,
AND WHAT'S
THE SIDE ONE DO AGAIN?
CONTROLS THE POINT
OF THE RADIUS.
SO WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF I SET THE SIDE ONE
FOR NARROW
AND HIT THE BACK BUTTON?
IT TRANSFORMS A BODY PART.
WHICH BODY PART?
WHATEVER BODY PART
YOU'RE AIMING AT.
WHATEVER BODY PART
YOU'RE AIMING AT.
[CLOTHING STRETCHING]
MMM.
MMM.
WHAT IS IT?
[CLEARS THROAT]
OH. NOTHING, NOTHING.
UM, I THINK
WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
KEEP AN EYE OPEN
FOR P'S BOX.
WE MAY NEED IT LATER.
WE MAY NEED IT LATER.
WELCOME, EVERYONE.
IT'S TIME TO SHOW YOU
THE REASON I'VE CALLED
YOU ALL HERE.
GET READY--OH--
TO EXPERIENCE
TANGERINA'S
MAGICAL LIGHT SHOW!
I REMEMBER
SOMETHING ABOUT
A LIGHT DISPLAY
LAST TIME
I WAS HERE.
WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER
AFTER THAT?
NOTHING.
NOT A GOOD SIGN.
SOMETHING TELLS ME
WE SHOULD SLIP AWAY
FOR THE MOMENT.
FIRST I HAVE AN IDEA.
FEZ?
I'LL NEED YOUR HELP.
STAND BACK...
AND ENJOY.
[CALLIOPE PLAYING]
[CALLIOPE PLAYING]
THAT'S IT,
MY LITTLE SLAVES.
FOLLOW
THE BOUNCING LIGHTS.
HA HA HA.
HA HA HA.
STAGE 2 BEGINS.
START ESCORTING
THE GENTLEMEN
INTO THE LAB
AND THE LADIES
INTO THE STUDY.
AND THE LADIES
INTO THE STUDY.
WELL, WELL, WELL,
MR. STEELE.
I THOUGHT YOU
WOULD PUT UP MORE
OF A FIGHT THAN THAT.
I THOUGHT YOU
WOULD PUT UP MORE
OF A FIGHT THAN THAT.
TURN AROUND.
TURN AROUND.
BEND OVER.
BEND OVER.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
AT LAST, I'VE GOT
THE GREAT MR. STEELE
UNDER MY CONTROL!
NOW NOBODY CAN STOP ME.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
OH, YOU'RE KIND OF CUTE
FOR A BRAINWASHED DUKE.
OH, YOU'RE KIND OF CUTE
FOR A BRAINWASHED DUKE.
[GASPS]
YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED
TO DO THAT.
MISTRESS, THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG.
WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING A--
WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING A--
WELL, FUCK ME.
[MOANING AND GROANING]
OH, NO. NO!
OH, NO. NO!
ENJOY THE SHOW. HA!
Tangerina:
OH! OH! STOP!
Tangerina:
OH! OH! STOP!
SO...
YOU HAVE
ONE, TOO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND IF YOU TURN ME ON,
AND I TURN YOU ON,
WE'LL JUST
START BEHAVING LIKE
THE OTHERS BACK THERE.
WE'LL JUST
START BEHAVING LIKE
THE OTHERS BACK THERE.
SO WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE?
I PROPOSE...
THAT I STALL
JUST LONG ENOUGH
FOR SOMEONE
TO SNEAK UP
BEHIND YOU
AND KNOCK YOU
UNCONSCIOUS.
HA!
WHEW.
WHEW.
STUNNING.
DID I COME IN HANDY?
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOU BACK THERE?
I THOUGHT YOU
WERE BRAINWASHED
LIKE THE OTHERS.
WELL, IT HELPS WHEN
THERE'S MORE THAN
ONE ROD STEELE.
I DON'T GET IT.
I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.
NOW IT'S TIME TO DESTROY
TANGERINA'S OPERATION.
WELL, DIDN'T
WE JUST DO THAT?
DID YOU SEE
EVERYTHING BLOW UP YET?
NO.
THEN WE'RE NOT DONE.
COME ON.
I DISCOVERED
THIS DURING
THE LIGHT SHOW.
LET ME GUESS.
A REVOLVING BOOKCASE
THAT LEADS
TO TANGERINA'S SECRET LAB.
NO.THE ART
OF SENSUAL MASSAGE.
YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A READ.
YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A READ.
WELL.
WELL.
WHAT IS IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
HELP.
HELP ME.
PLEASE HELP.
PLEASE HELP.
I'M SORRY.
I'M NOT INTO
THREESOMES.
IT WON'T STOP.
OHH.
I'VE HAD
OVER 40 ORGASMS.
STRETCH IS KILLING ME.
OHH.
41.
BUT WHAT A WAY TO GO.
IF YOU ANSWER
MY QUESTIONS,
I'LL HELP YOU.
OH, YES.
WAS THAT
"YES" OF PASSION
OR "YES,
I'LL ANSWER"?
YES.
MAYBE I SHOULD
REPHRASE THIS.
YES, I'LL ANSWER,
I'LL ANSWER.
YES, I'LL ANSWER,
I'LL ANSWER.
RELAX. I KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING.
RELAX. I KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING.
WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
[SIGHS]
TANGERINA'S LAB,
WHERE SHE PLANS
TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
BY MATING WOMEN
WITH SNAKES?
IT'S A RATHER
OLD CONCEPT,
DON'T YOU THINK?
THE SPECIAL INGREDIENTS
ARE OVER THERE.
THE SPECIAL INGREDIENTS
ARE OVER THERE.
MY GOD.
THERE'S ENOUGH
SEMEN HERE
TO MAN A FLEET!
AND THAT'S ONLY
THE BEGINNING,
MR. STEELE.
AND THAT'S ONLY
THE BEGINNING,
MR. STEELE.
STEP AWAY
FROM THERE.
DROP THE BOX.
DROP THE BOX.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TIMING 3 MINUTES.
WHAT FOR?
THE PARALYZER DART
WEARS OFF.
OH, STOP
YOUR WHISPERING.
OH, STOP
YOUR WHISPERING.
FINALLY, I HAVE
YOUR MAGIC BOX.
FINALLY, I HAVE
YOUR MAGIC BOX.
BUT WHICH ONE
IS IT?
[GASPS]
AHH.
EXCELLENT.
TURN IT OFF!
PLEASE TURN IT OFF!
NO! LEAVE IT ON.
I LIKE SEEING
DOUBLE-0-13 LIKE THIS.
SURE. WHY NOT?
UNLOCK PUSSY.
WE'LL BE NEEDING
THAT TABLE.
UNLOCK PUSSY.
WE'LL BE NEEDING
THAT TABLE.
I GOT ANOTHER PUSSY
YOU COULD UNLOCK.
I GOT ANOTHER PUSSY
YOU COULD UNLOCK.
PARTY POOPER!
PARTY POOPER!
I BET YOU'RE JUST DYING
TO HEAR ALL ABOUT
HOW I'M GOING TO
TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
NOT REALLY. IT'S OBVIOUS.
YOU BRING
THE PROSTITUTES HERE,
YOU BRAINWASH THEM,
THEN YOU SEND THEM OUT
TO HAVE SEX WITH THE MOST
POWERFUL MEN IN THE WORLD
AND COLLECT THEIR SPERM.
VERY GOOD, MR. STEELE,
AND WHAT DO
I PLAN ON DOING
WITH ALL THAT SPERM?
RUB IT ON YOUR SKIN.
KEEP YOURSELF FRESH
AND MOIST ALL DAY LONG.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE.
WATCH.
WATCH.
THIS IS A SPECIMEN
I GOT FROM
SWITZERLAND
LATE LAST NIGHT.
IT'S THE SPERM
OF PRINCE DEAN.
IT'S THE SPERM
OF PRINCE DEAN.
MEET PRINCE DEAN'S
PERFECT CLONE!
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
THERE'S ENOUGH GENES
IN EVERY MAN'S SPERM
TO CREATE
A PRECISE DUPLICATE.
SO YOU'RE GOING
TO CLONE THE WORLD.
THAT WAS
MY SECOND GUESS.
YEAH, RIGHT.
NOT THE WORLD,
MR. STEELE.
ONLY ITS LEADERS.
EVERYONE
UP THERE TONIGHT
ARE GOING TO BE
MY FIRST
SWAPPED SUBJECTS.
POLITICIANS,
DIPLOMATS,
KINGS, PRINCES,
EVEN PRESIDENTS
ARE GOING TO FALL
UNDER MY CONTROL,
AND THEY WILL
ALL BE MY VERY OWN
PERSONAL FIRST ARMY
OF CLONES!
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
ARE YOU SURE
THEY'LL DO YOUR BIDDING?
WOULD YOU LIKE
A DEMONSTRATION?
WOULD YOU LIKE
A DEMONSTRATION?
PRINCE DEAN,
GO HAVE SEX
WITH THAT WOMAN.
GO HAVE SEX
WITH THAT WOMAN.
OH, COME TO ME, PRINCY.
THERE.
"THERE"?
YOU TOLD HIM TO HAVE SEX
WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
YOU THINK ANYONE
WOULD HAVE AN OBJECTION
TO THAT COMMAND?
OH, FINE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE
WHAT
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
WOULD DO FOR ME?
WHAT
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
WOULD DO FOR ME?
[WATCH BEEPING]
WHAT'S THAT?
MY REMINDER TO STRETCH.
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
OH, STRETCH!
NOT NOW! OH, GOD!
OH, STRETCH!
NOT NOW! OH, GOD!
YES, IT'S TRUE.
I FIND YOU
VERY ATTRACTIVE,
MR. STEELE...
BUT I MUST
KILL YOU NOW!
BUT I MUST
KILL YOU NOW!
AAH!
AAH!
NO, NO. BAD SNAKE.
NO, NO. BAD SNAKE.
OH, ARNOLD!
OH, ARNOLD!
ARNOLD, HELP ME.
ARNOLD, HELP ME.
YOU'RE FINISHED, TANGERINA.
YOU'RE FINISHED, TANGERINA.
I WOULDN'T BE SO SURE
OF THAT, MR. STEELE.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
PUSSY?
CALL ME MR. PUSSY.
KILL STEELE!
HA HA HA HA HA!
USE THE BOX!
USE THE BOX!
USE THE BOX!
USE THE BOX!
STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
I WILL CRUSH YOU
AGAINST MY HEAVING MUSCLES.
WELL, WE ALL
HAVE TO GO SOMETIME.
WELL, WE ALL
HAVE TO GO SOMETIME.
WAIT.
WAIT.
I WANT SOMETHING,
MR. STEELE,
TO REMEMBER YOU BY.
YOUR CLONE.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
GET HIS SPERM.
GET HIS SPERM.
OH, STEELE,
I DIDN'T WANT IT
TO END THIS WAY.
NEVER FEAR, BELL.
THEY'RE IN
FOR A SURPRISE.
THEY'RE IN
FOR A SURPRISE.
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
UH...MISTRESS,
I--I CAN'T...
IT WILL NOT FIT.
WHAT?
MY SUCKER FITS
EVERY NORMAL--
MY SUCKER FITS
EVERY NORMAL--
OH.THAT'SNOT NORMAL.
WHAT?
HOW?
JUST
A LITTLE PRECAUTION
I GAVE MYSELF
IN THE LIMO
ON THE WAY OVER.
IN THE LIMO
ON THE WAY OVER.
QUICK!
POINT IT AT ME!
QUICK!
POINT IT AT ME!
Tangerina:
YOU REALLYAREROD STEELE.
Tangerina:
YOU REALLYAREROD STEELE.
HELP ME,
YOU IMBECILES!
HELP ME,
YOU IMBECILES!
TAKE THIS, YOU BITCH!
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
[ELECTRONIC ZAP]
OH, GOD.
OH, GOD.
NO...NO. PLEASE...
NO...NO. PLEASE...
NOT ANYMORE.
OHH! OHH! OHH!
OHH! OHH! OHH!
I WONDER
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I...
I WONDER
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I...
WHAT DID YOU DO?!
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE
I TURNED THEM ON.
IT'S GOING TO BLOW!
IT'S GOING TO BLOW!
OH, SHIT!
COOL.
COOL.
HELLO.
HELLO.
DR. FEZ?
DR. FEZ.
HUH?
IT'S TIME TO GO.
OH.
OH.
STEADY.
STEADY.
IS THE...PARTY OVER?
YOU COULD SAY THAT.
THE WORLD'S
SAFE AGAIN.
BELL'S IN THE CAR.
LET'S GO.
BELL'S IN THE CAR.
LET'S GO.
GOOD-BYE, MY DEAR.
GOOD-BYE, MY DEAR.
I, UH, I JUST
WANTED TO SAY THANKS.
YOU WERE REALLY GOOD
BACK THERE.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WHERE'S THE CLICKER?
I GAVE IT BACK
TO FEZ AS
I PROMISED.
I GAVE IT BACK
TO FEZ AS
I PROMISED.
DON'T YOU EVER
TAKE OFF THAT TUXEDO?
ONLY IN AN
EMERGENCY.
ONLY IN AN
EMERGENCY.
DIAL 9-1-1.
DIAL 9-1-1.
Rod:
WHAT GOT INTO YOU?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I ALWAYS GET THIS WAY
AT THE END OF A CASE.
LUCKY ME.
LUCKY US.
[WATCH BEEPING]
O: WELL DONE, STEELE,
WELL DONE, BELL.
Both: WHY, THANK YOU, O.
NOW, GET YOUR ASS
ON A PLANE TO EGYPT.
WE'VE GOT A MUMMY
ON THE LOOSE
AND A CURSE THAT'S
GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.
WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
SAME OLD REGULAR
ASSIGNMENTS.
CAN'T YOU GIVE ME
SOMETHING EXCITING?
WELL, THERE HAVE BEEN
SOME RUMORS ABOUT
AN INVISIBLE MAN
ROAMING AROUND
HOLLYWOOD.
WHAT WILL THEY
THINK OF NEXT?
WHAT WILL THEY
THINK OF NEXT?
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CONCORDE-NEW HORIZONS
CORPORATION
?? ROD STEELE IS HIS NAME ??
?? AND LOVE IS HIS GAME ??
?? HE'LL WIND UP
ON TOP EVERY TIME ??
?? HE'LL WIND UP
ON TOP EVERY TIME ??
?? HE LIKES GUNS AND BOOZE ?
?
?? AND AFTERWARDS A SNOOZE ?
?
?? ROD STEELE IS A MAN
AMONG MEN ??
?? ROD STEELE IS A MAN
AMONG MEN ??
?? ROD STEELE IS HIS NAME ??
?? AND DEATH IS HIS GAME ??
?? HE'LL KILL
AND HE'LL MAIM ??
?? WITH A LAUGH ??
?? WITH A LAUGH ??
?? AND AFTER A CARAFE ??
?? HE'LL KILL YOUR GIRAFFE ?
?
?? HE'S STEEL THROUGH
AND THROUGH YOU WILL FIND ??
?? HE'S LOST HIS MIND ??