You Lucky People (1955) - full transcript

Come on, stand to attention!

You're bone idle, wake up!

Look at you, you're in bad order!

Your boots are filthy, hold your head up!

What are you thinking about?

I can see the studs in your
boots, too, are filthy!

Your boot laces are idle.

That weapon belt's filthy!

Your medalry, what are
you doing with them?

Hold your head up!

You're badly shaved, too,
where's your mustache?



And look at your hair,

I've never seen anything quite like it.

I'll eat you before breakfast!

You're bone idle, wake up!

What's wrong with your medal rows as well?

- Well, here we are, Silvie.
- Yes, Dad, here you are.

- Arthur will be surprised to see me.

Oh, I'd love to see his face.

Oh, Dad, don't forget to
give him the cake, will you?

- Oh no, of course not.

- And tell him to write more often.

- I'll do that.

Well, goodbye, Sylvie.
- Bye.

- Look after your mother
and take care of yourself.



- Yes, I'll do that, Dad.

Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Sylvie.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.

Terribly sorry, can I help you?

- As a matter of fact,

I'm on my way to headquarters building.

- Brigade or battalion, sir?

- Battalion.

- That's the block sir,
straight across the playground.

- Oh, thank you very much.
- Do you wish to see

the commanding officer?

- Oh no, I am to report
to the orderly room.

- May I ask your business
at the orderly room, sir?

- I'm just reporting for my zed training.

- So, you're a zed man, eh?
- Yes.

- Well, that's different.

Don't you know who you're talking to?

- No, as a matter of fact--

- You're back in the army,
now you're going to like it!

Now, move your feet or
else they won't touch.

Go on!

Get out!

Left, right, left,
right, left, right, left.

Come on, I've never seen anything

like it before in all me life.

- Hello, you one of the zed men?

- 723, Corporal Jones, J.W.

- Just have the wind of the brigade

out here soon behind you.

He's a holy terror, he is.

Nice, isn't it?

All me own work.

Figured it out to last me over three days.

You sound a bit la-di-da for a corporal.

Have a commission and get busted?

- Nothing as bad as that.

I was a bit too old for a commission,

didn't get called up until
fairly late in the war.

- Oh, okay, come on corporal,

I'll take you down to the orderly room.

- Oh, thanks very much.

- What is it, Jim?

Look, make it snappy,

'cause Sergeant Manners'll
be back in a minute.

- I cannot see you tonight, Sal.

- Oh Jim, why ever not?

- Oh, somebody's gone sick

and Manners has stuck me in guard.

- We'll make it tomorrow night then.

- Aye, if he hasn't
found some other reason

to keep me in camp.

It's an odd coincidence
that I'm always the one

to drop to these extra duties.

Wouldn't it be because he wants

to take you out himself, would it?

He's always snuffling after you

like a hungry mongrel after a bone.

- Well it's not my fault, darling,

'cause I don't encourage him.

- So you say.

- Look, I know, I'll tell him I'm stuck on

Lieutenant Robson, that'll fix him.

- Aye, you've got a good
head on your shoulders, Sal.

- Do I not get a prize?

Oh quick, somebody's coming.

- The orderly room, a
new boyfriend for you.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, one of the zed intake?

- I'm afraid so, 723 Corporal Jones.

- Corporal Jones, eh?

About time too.

- Well, you see--
- All right,

save your excuses, but remember corporal,

this is a peace-time army,
none of that soft soldiering

you had during the war.

Lieutenant Robson been in?

- No, not yet.

- Ah-ha, joking, probably
looking for trouble

down the fire under the camp.

Do you know lieutenants
should be seen and not heard?

Especially national service lieutenants.

Hooky.
- Sergeant?

- Take Corporal Jones down to hut patrol

and find him a bed, will you?

- But all that way with my feet?

- Yeah, looks to be
about, you old scrounger.

Corporal Jones, get into
uniform and come back

as fast as you can, we
need an extra body in here.

Very good, Sergeant.

- You'll want your roller skates corporal.

Sir.

- You're quite sure the man
Smart hasn't shown up yet?

- That's the fourth time you've
asked me that this morning,

Sergeant Major, what's the big attraction?

- Never mind.

Just make sure I'm told
the minute he does arrive.

I don't want him to think
I'm being standoffish,

and not being at the gate to meet him.

- All right, I'll tell
the moment he arrives.

If he's late--

- If he's late, I'll have
his eyeballs for earrings!

- Attention!

Who's the VIP?

- I don't know, ma'am.

- Stand at ease!

- The war office.

Call out the guard!

- Well, if it's not my old
friend Sergeant Thickpenny.

- Smart!

At last.

- Rossiter, he remembers
me after all this time!

I'm deeply touched sergeant.

- Sergeant major to you!

- Oh, I didn't notice
the rash on your arm,

how'd you get that?

Crawling around the officers, I suppose.

- You're both late!

You'll be overcharged.

Consider yourselves under oath and arrest.

- No, I have a late pass.

- Aye?

- Signed by the adjutant
general, plays golf at my club.

- Get that vehicle off the square!

- Rossiter, you better
do as the gentleman says.

- Very good sir, will that be all, sir?

- You better stop off at the stores

and get me a set of blankets.

Camelhair.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh Rossiter, get pink ones

to match the sergeant major's eyes.

- Very good, sir.

- I hate staying in places
that are aren't in the AA book.

You gotta be so careful these days.

Very good man there,

was 14th footman to Lady Docker.

He was buried one day, his
powdered wig fell in the soup.

She sacked him, no sense of humor.

I pulled some strings at White Hall

and got him to do his
zed training with me.

I've got some very good
friends in the war house.

- You're going to need them.

You've put on weight, Smart.

- Yes, my friend Chet, too
much lokshen soup and lacquers.

- Never mind.

When you leave here you'll
look like a ruddy whippet!

I'm going to run you
so far into the ground,

you'll think D-Day was a picnic!

Now get moving, about turn, quick march!

Left, right, left, right, left, right!

And you!

Left, right, left, right, left!

Where do you think you're going, Smart?

Left, right, left, right, left,
right, swing your arms up!

Left, right, left,
right, left, right, left.

Now, put your arms up, hold your heads up.

And halt!

Right turn!

Left turn!

About turn!

Right turn!

Left turn!

About turn!

Where do you think you're going?

- I'm fed up with this stuff!

You don't know your own
mind for two minutes,

a clear-cut case of schizophrenia!

- Get back into the ranks!

- Oh, I don't have to put
up with this, you know.

I could be earning 2000 pounds an hour

selling surplus tanks!

- Oi there!

Stand at ease, as you were.

Stand at ease, at ease.

- Blimey, he's at it again.

- All right, now listen to
me you flabby, overweight,

long-haired, round-shouldered,
pug-bellied, bandy-legged,

flat-footed horrible scar of men.

When you left this camp
at the end of the war,

you thought you'd seen
the last of me, didn't ya?

Some of you were even kind
enough to write to me.

- All right, this is it.

- Here's a letter I've
treasured down the years.

Dear Sergeant, just a line to give you

a soldier's farewell.

Of all the people of unknown parentage

that I have ever met, you are the biggest.

I don't know which I miss most,

your cooing voice, which
sounds like a sea lion

with adenoids, or your sweet smile,

like a crack appearing
in a lump of concrete.

I give you fair warning, if I
ever meet up with you again,

I'll put the business
end of a flamethrower

where it'll do the most good.

Yours truly, Tommy Smart, one double four.

Squad, squad shall about turn.

By the left, quick march.

Race into double time, double march!

Left, right, left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, about turn.

Come on, pick 'em up there, pick 'em up.

Left, right, left,
right, left, right, left.

Left, right men!

Come on, pick 'em up, come on.

What the hell are you doing?

- I, I'm so sorry, new brakes.

Can you direct me to the Tilton Regiment,

I'm down here for a spot of training?

- For the service, eh?

A bit out of date?

- Yes well the war office made a mistake.

There're my jolly old papers.

Men, halt!

Private Darcy Journeyman.

I'll say they've made a mistake.

- Must've changed his name.

Used to call himself Jet Morgan.

- Where'd you get that
uniform, Journey's Inn?

I suppose you'll be telling me next

you get water at the 1914.

- It's the only one I've got.

- Well, we've got you here,

I suppose we'll have to put up with you.

Now get this piddly off the square.

Double!

- Oh sir, yes sir.

- Come on, get it outta here.

- Aye.

Actually it won't start.

Do you mind giving it a good push?

Thank you very much.

- There, there.
- Oh there we go.

- Do you think the
Zeppelins'll be over tonight?

- Stop that noise!

About turn.

On the left, double march.

Left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right, left.

All right, come along there guard.

- But honestly, Jim, if
Sergeant Manners knew

that you were my boyfriend,

he'd have you posted somewhere awful

like Kenya or the Persian Gulf.

Do you not understand, you
bone-headed heathen man?

- No, he couldn't do that.

- He'd have a jolly good try.

- But I'm getting my ticket in six months.

- Me too but, until then, honey,

promise you'll be a good
boy and keep out of trouble.

- Ah.

- Oh.

Promise?

- What're you doing here, Campbell?

- Private Campbell came to report the loss

of a ping pong ball from the games room.

I've made a note of it.
- All right, Campbell,

on your way.

Left turn, about turn.

Right turn.

- Now where were we?

- You were in the Persian
Gulf, or was it Korea?

They say it's very hot
in the Persian Gulf.

- And you'll find it very cold in Korea.

Oh, come on, Sally.

- Sergeant Manners, please.
- Oh.

What do you want, who the hell are you?

Oh it's you, Corporal Jones.
- Sorry, sir.

- Well next time, knock.

That's your queue.

Three, that's for you, Private Briggs.

- Excuse me, Sergeant Manners.

Thank you.

- Pretty little thing there.

- I'll bet you're married.

You married types are always the worst.

Nothing doing corp, that's officers only,

Lieutenant Robson's bit.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah worse luck, here, that's yours.

Fancy her myself, but I can't
compete with a couple of Pips.

- Private Briggs not here, Sergeant?

- In with the C.O., sir.

- What's this man doing
standing with his back

to an officer?
- Corporal Jones.

- Sorry.

Sir!

- That's better, corporal.

Uh Sergeant Manners.
- Sir.

- Go and go and check on the guard

at the MT park, would you?

- Yes, sir.

Check on the guard at the MT park, sir?

- Yes, see if he knows his orders.

- His orders, sir?

- Yes, his standing orders.

- Very good, sir.

- All sentries should know
their standing orders.

They seldom do.

Well, this is unexpected, Mr. Jones, sir.

I wonder why Sylvia didn't tell me

you were coming to my unit.

- We thought we'd
surprise you, Arthur, sir.

- Well you certainly have.

It's not every man has his

perspective father-in-law
serving under him.

How is Sylvia?

- Oh she's fine, sends her love,

made you a cake.

- Oh, good.

- With walnuts, your favorite.

- Oh, grand.

- Got it back in the billet.

Sally, Private Briggs,

put Corporal Jones in the picture
with our files, would you?

We could certainly do
with some help in here.

Up to our eyes in it, what.

Well, I think that's all for now.

Oh yes, um.

- Bit unsteady on his feet.

He started early on the liquor today.

- Does he drink much?

- Shocking, dripping dipsomaniac.

Always seeing funny little men

and putting him on the
oaks for not saluting him.

Hello, hello, hello,

who's been caning the sugar?

- Come on, pick 'em up.

Halt.

- There you go, get a
move on to the MP store.

Tommy!

- Fall out.

- Tommy Smart.

- Well, if it isn't Hortense, you still in

and a sergeant, eh?

- Oh well, you don't look as if

you're doing so badly yourself.

You must be in the money.

- Well, I'm not doing badly at all,

one of my visiting guards.

Matter of fact, I've just
bought my first whaling fleet.

I don't fish myself, I'm a racing man.

- All these years in the army you know,

surrounded by men, and not one of them's

ever popped the question,
the right question that is.

Talk about starving in
the midst of plenty.

Are you married yet, Tommy?

- Uh, no, I think I'm a misogynist.

- Oh, you can get treatment
for that nowadays.

You know, I used to think
you was rather sweet.

- Hey, y'all!

- Now, there's someone for you.

A fine, upstanding figure of
a man, gentle, soft-spoken.

- Sergeant Major Thickpenny?

- Yes, he's carried a
torch for you for years.

Don't tell me you didn't know.

You know, he's shy, that's his trouble.

He's afraid to declare himself.

- No, I didn't know, but
thanks for telling me.

- Get ready!

Bob, already getting in your way, come on.

Come along to the front

and stop all the talking.

- What's the matter with you?

- Oh, you keep your mind on your work.

- How can I keep me mind on me work

with all those lovely men out there?

Oh, just think of it, fresh from the world

with last week's pay
packet in their pocket.

And cut off from civilian women.

- Not one of them's a patch on Horace.

Oh, just listen to that voice.

Oh, so magnetic.

- Hard turn, right turn.

- That sounds some proper
goods in that sharp uniform.

- Oh, he doesn't look
a match for sad Horace.

Just get a load of that chest.

Now move to it girls, the
men will be here in a minute.

- Do your own, fitted me out, I need a 42.

- Oh, well here's a 32
and hold your breath.

- Right, left, left, right.
- Scuffle girls.

- Hard turn, halt.

Left turn.

- I'm ready for you sergeant major.

- Get these boys scurried
up as soon as you can.

- Anything for you sergeant major.

Now come along girls, chop about it.

There you are soldier sign.

- Your kit.

- But I haven't done anything yet.

Don't you try that caper on me.

- Don't you argue with me, sign!

- But I don't put my name to
anything I don't understand.

I might find myself
playing for the arsenal.

- Size nine, a small nine
please, well only one color?

Oh these won't go with anything I've got.

- They're a good strong
build with hard nails

and steel tips on the toes.

Everyone around here is wearing them.

Best brass eye holes for the laces,

it's a very popular line.

- But I want something with a Louis heel.

- Oh, we haven't got anything
like that I'm afraid.

- If I was to try your white heel broad.

- Come on get a move on in there.

I'm not gonna wait all
day for you, get outside.

- Is he showing any interest yet?

- No, not yet.

- Well give him time, give him time,

ooh hoo I'd give him time.

- Try this on for size.

Oh you do look funny.

- I can't possibly wear this.

- Rossiter, I told you,
getting things off the peg

is a false economy.

- Oh is that so, well try these.

- These are damaged, there's
a big split in the back.

- Are they still using those blankets?

Rossiter, recognize them?

Lot 64, sold them for four pounds a dozen,

they've seen some wear.

Oh ho ho, that's where Wellington
poked his finger through.

- Excuse me.

- Aren't you gonna change your suit?

- Itinerant several
roles with this in 1914,

if it's good enough for him,
it's good enough for me.

Good morning.
- Good morning.

Don't forget your bow and arrow.

- Here's your webbing.

- There you are now.

That's your lot now.

- All right.

Away we go.

- Now for your cap.

- Oh, oh oh look out I say where are you?

Hold this a minute will you?

Thanks very much, all right, taxi.

- Get a move on in here,
sergeant major is on his way.

- Rossiter, I think
they've changed this weapon

since we were in the army last.

- Allow me sir.

These should be at the side.

- What are these things for,
to hang hand grenades on?

- Perhaps you've got it upside down.

- Maybe.

- Oh, I just unpacked your rifle sir.

- Oh thank you--
- Stand by lads.

- What have you got there Smart?

- This sergeant major is
the new smart utility rifle

devised and manufactured by

the Smart's Industries Incorporated.

Come a little closer gentleman.

I'm going to amaze you
and when I say amaze you

I mean it in every sense of the word.

This is a rifle that no
soldier should be without,

used by every government in the world

with the exception of
the British government.

They will not buy one, why?

Not because they're too expensive.

They say why should a soldier be lazy.

Why should a soldier be happy?

Let him suffer.

Now gentleman I will show you
what the Smart rifle contains.

It's got ebonite terminals,
permanent turn-ups,

ramped and stamped in every link.

Now what can't speak can't lie.

Come a bit closer, will you?

Gentleman, do you feel
that when on a route march,

you feel sad, you feel lonely,

you haven't a friend in the world?

With a Smart rifle,
that is today obviated.

We have our special,
built-in all mains radio.

When I say all mains, I mean all mains.

Works off the electric light,
off the gas and off the water,

first off all you place up the aerial,

you tune in to your favorite station

and as you march through the country

to the strains of wonderful music.

Now when you're tired of
the radio, you switch off.

You feel a little weary, a
little sad, what do you do?

In a very cunningly concealed compartment,

you open the butte and
there is a bottle of scotch.

Rossiter, hold the scotch.

You have friends, they're provided for

in the magazine of the
Smart utility rifle.

You open the magazine, a cigar

with the compliments of the firm.

Sergeant major, have a cigar, live,

have a good time, leave the country.

Also in the magazine, we have the glasses,

you don't have to drink
the scotch from the bottle.

Rossiter, hand round the glasses,

let everybody have a good time.

Now do you feel that you'd
like a smoke yourself?

Then you push up the bolt,
out comes a cigarette

already lit for your convenience.

Rossiter smoke that for me will you?

Now in the morning, you can stay in bed

if you are the user of a Smart rifle

because you don't have to get up

that quarter of an hour extra
early in the morning to shave.

We have cunningly concealed
in the butte of the rifle

a little socket, you whip
out your electric razor,

you plug it into the socket

and before you can say Jack Robinson,

a clean chin, when a man
has a chin like mine,

what a boon and a blessing the
Smart utility rifle can be.

Now gentleman should you be
in a tight corner in battle

and who hasn't been in
a tight corner in battle

you find that the enemy is
hiding around the corner,

you don't have to seek them out,

oh no, not with the Smart rifle.

You stand there and you
turn the barrel to the right

or to the left the only rifle
that will fire around corners.

Now gentleman, I'm not asking
10 pounds, nine pounds,

eight pounds or seven, within
the reach of every working man

who will bid me five schillings?

- That's enough Smart.

Come on get outside all of you.

- Gentleman the sale is over.

- Get outside and get filled in.

- A cup of tea and a slab of
nut milk chocolate please.

- Got no chocolate.

- You know things haven't
changed since I was here last.

Do I have to buy you a mink
coat to get a bar of chocolate?

- Coke and a rum please.

- Your tea soldier, if
you've any complaints

you better tell the manager.

I only work here.

- Ooh, you want to develop that
accent for British Airways.

- Sugar or are you sweet enough without?

- Oh my pinup of the meat pies,

would you like to get pictures?

- You're out of date soldier.

The Yanks moved out of here years ago.

- How much?

- That will be four for everything.

- Well it's robbery.

- Well I'm sure I'm not blame

for the movement in world prices.

- What movement are you to blame for?

There's your four schillings.

Have a good time, spend it on main.

- Now we'll take this
corner in two wheels Sal.

- Oh careful darling.

- Now we're running downhill
in a long straight stretch,

change up get my foot hard down, wee!

Look, 50, 60, 70--

- Look out for that car, ooh!

- 80, the needle's quivering at the 90s

and the winds whistling past us.

- Ooh, I think you better go a bit slower.

We want to get there
in one piece you know.

- Oh, all right, but I've got
the whole road to ourselves.

- Where should we be
going if this was real?

- To the hills of course.

You see, we've just left the country,

my wee wife and me and we're
heading for our honeymoon.

We're heading for a week of laughter

way up in the hills where
there's nothing but heather,

forests, the red deer
and the leaping salmon.

- In the bern.

- Aye, in the bern, can
you not smile the pines?

Wonderful,

how long are we going to be there?

- Oh, two or three days.

- Only two or three days?

I think we should be there at
least a week or a fortnight.

- A fortnight, do you
want to ruin me woman?

I'm not made of money you know.

- Aye on the bob is your
miserable Aberdonian.

Shh, somebody's coming.

- Sergeant Manners in the sneak.

- Well Campbell, where's your hat?

- A gust of wind came
and blew off sergeant.

- A gust of wind eh?

I haven't noticed any wind, well?

- It was terrible here a wee while ago.

- Oh was it, I don't
suppose you dropped it

when you leapt into this
car for a quiet smoke?

- Oh no sergeant I never
smoke when I'm a guard?

- Oh no?

So the wind blew it into the car, did it?

If I was the only sergeant
you'd be on the fizzer.

- Oh, that was an utter skip that time.

- Jolly good.
- Not bad.

But you should taste her mother's.

So what are you gonna
do when you come out?

- Actually, I'm thinking of signing up.

- Oh do you really?

- Yes, the CO wants me too.

The army's not a bad life if you're keen,

don't mind a bit of discipline.

- Well if you discuss with my Sylvie,

she may not fancy life in
medic quarters you know.

- It's rather difficult to talk her.

Perhaps we can meet down
in the town sometime.

- Yes, that would be grand Arthur.

- Over the random noggin one.

- Are you sure that would be wise?

- We always use the Duke of Wellington.

The old man doesn't mind the officers

fraternizing with the troops there.

- No no no no I mean do
you think you should?

- Do what?

- Drink I mean.

- Well the old glass or
two does no harm really.

- Yes Arthur but one glass or two

leads to another glass or
two and then what are you?

Seeing those funny little men again.

- Funny little men?

- Good evening, sir.
- Good evening sergeant.

Great Scott, it's time I was off.

Well good night sergeant.

- Night sir.

- Well sir, Mr. Corporal.

- If he don't get his skates on,

he'll be late for his date?

- His date?

- Yeah, the young Sally Briggs.

I don't know what she sees in him,

but these quiet ones are always the worst,

deadly for the women.

- Who's cake?

- Lieutenant Robinson's sir.

- I don't suppose he'd miss a slice.

What's up sergeant major?

Somebody after you for a change?

- So slow they are.

- Good night sergeant major.

- Sergeant.
- Good night general.

- Well who is it, the army counsel?

- Worse than that that woman.

- What woman?

- Mr. Thomas Smart?

- Mr. Jones what are you doing here?

Sit down, make yourself at home.

Bowful, Mr. Jones my old bank manager,

what a turn up for the pass book.

What are you gonna have?

Only the best in the
house is good for you.

There you are.
- Okay.

- Well did you last out in
the good overdrafts like me?

- That's not something you'll
never need again Mr. Smart.

- What are you in the money Smarty?

- Well I'm on my second million.

- Get out.
- Started out

on the war on the
continent, in a small way,

I flogged cigarettes, coffee, cameras.

Then I found a bulldozer
the RE's forgotten,

flogged it to a farmer.

That really started me.

I found a park in Wales full of lorries

that the war office had forgotten.

Mr. Jones advised me on
how to raise the money.

After that it was guns,
tanks, couple of battleships.

Then came Korea, I flogged
it back to the government

for twice what they
originally paid for it.

- That's what Hortense did?

I don't believe it.

- It's no joke, I first noticed it

when I was took that
new lot down the stores.

She was ogling me all the time.

Tonight she followed me around the mess

making great sheep's eyes after me

and when I left she come out after me.

I had to dodge at the men's ablutions

and they blocked the ducky.

It's deadly I tell you.

- Here have some cake.

- I get it, this young
officer Lieutenant Robson

is engaged to your Sylvie
and he's chasing around

with a Judy on the camp.

- Yes and I've discovered another thing.

He drinks.

What am I going to say to my Sylvie?

She'll never get over it.

- Leave it to me.

I think I can fix it Mr. Jones.

Rossiter was is this tea or coffee?

It didn't say sir.

Taste like mud on maneuvers.

- Orderly room.

Yeah.

Yes, yes.

Yes, all right.

One of the guards is going sick,

I'd better get back to the
naffy and rustle a replacement.

- I know a man who needs it,
put him on it, 144 Smart.

Right.

- Do you mind if I join you?

- Oh, kitchener's cutie.

- Oh not at all.

You know I would have
thought the war office

would have realized their mistake by now

and sent you home.

- My little woman never misses me.

- I shouldn't mademoiselle
from arm and tears misses you.

- Good luck anyway.

- Thank you and toodle
pip over the top old bean.

- Here's mud in your eye.

- Private Smart.

- That's me, if it's the field marshal

take a message will you?

♪ Who puts the stripes on the humbug ♪

♪ Oh how I wish I knew ♪

♪ Who puts the stripes on the humbug ♪

♪ I dig the hole right through ♪

- Hallelujah brother!

♪ Who puts the milk in the gaudy lass ♪

♪ And painted all the blue bells blue ♪

♪ Who puts the stripes on the humbug ♪

♪ And puts them on the sergeant too ♪

- Quiet, 144 Smart you're on guard.

- Oh no, my Hollis Street man--

- On guard I said.
- But the cold night air,

my Hollis Street--
- You know what you can

do with your Hollis Street man?

- I shall send a telegram
to Montgomery about this.

- Get cracking.
- Yeah, sure, here you are.

- For instance, there was
never a truer one than this.

The best laid schemes of mice and men

gang aft-a gley and leave us not

but grief and pain for promised joy.

- Gang aft-a gley?

- Aye, well, meaning never
turning out just as you hoped.

- Oh goodness, isn't that true?

Never mind, it'll be all right.

- Robson, get down lass.

- Oh slow down a bit sarge.

My Hollis Street man sit on my scenery.

- You and your Hollis Street man.

- Ah, Sally Briggs, can you I
give you a lift across camp?

- If you're sure it's not

a breach of honor counsel instruction.

- Ha ha, hop aboard.

- So that's the lieutenant's girlfriend?

- Hold tight.

- Yes that dirty dog.

- He used his rank to pinch her from me.

- Well cut him out, good
looking fellow like you,

sound in wind and limb, charming, witty,

you shouldn't have much trouble.

- Oh I don't know three tapes

don't get you very far against three pips.

- It isn't what you've got on
your arm or on your shoulder,

it's what you've got between
your ears that counts.

- What would you do if you were me?

- Drop a crafty word that the lieutenant

is chasing around with
somebody else in the camp.

Tell Sally that he's
knocking about with Hortense,

the girl who fiddles in the stores.

- But he isn't knocking
about with Hortense.

- Look sarge, you know he isn't,

the lieutenant knows he isn't,

but as far as little
Sally Briggs is concerned,

she only knows what she hears.

And being a woman,
she'll believe the worst

where another female is concerned.

Cor, get us a gump will you?

You know you regulars are all the same.

You're red hot on the square,
but as far as real life

is concerned you're a lot of children.

You know the trouble fellows?

I don't think they ever read any Freud

in the sergeant's mess.

- Hey.

- Ooh, what a weight, my Hollis Street man

said I mustn't carry
more than seven stone 10

a bit less if it jumps.

- You'll be doing the
high jump in the morning.

- Aye aye.

- Pull your socks up
you sloppy eye of a man.

- But my Hollis Street man--

- Don't talk you insubordinate individual.

- Ooh, if I my solicitor was
educated, he'd write to you.

- Report to your sergeant major,

call to the guard and get off it.

Right turn, quick march,
left, right, left.

Sergeant Manners I want a word with you.

- Me sir?
- Come with me.

- 144 Smart, reporting for guard duty.

Laughing boy sent me.

- So I heard, pull yourself up.

What a mess you are.

Stand up straight man.

Have you no ambition to
become a good soldier?

- Yes sergeant major I want to work my way

through the ranks, become a general.

- Good.

- And run a region on the British railway.

- There's someone coming.

If that's Sergeant Tipp
you haven't seen me.

- If it's Sergeant Tipp,
I haven't seen you?

- That's what I said,
if it's Sergeant Tipp,

you haven't seen me.

- Oh hello Tommy I was looking
for the sergeant major.

- The sergeant major?

I think he's hiding.

You see, he's shy.

He doesn't want you to
think he's too forward.

- Oh, the silly boy, I'll
go in and surprise him.

- Oh no no no, that's bad tactics.

You wait until he comes out.

I've got an idea.

Good night Sergeant Tipp.

- That was a narrow shave.

- Hello.

- Oh, Sergeant Tipp.

I didn't see you.

- Well there's no need to be
so formal after raid Horace.

Call me Hortense.

- Oh well yes I will, I will.

Oh Smart get that equipment off

and get vest for sentry,

I'll take you to your post at the MT park.

- No don't bother.

I know the way.

You stay here and save your legs.

Good night sergeant major.

Don't forget to put the cat out.

- Now we can have a nice, cozy chat.

I knew you were on duty,

so I dropped by the mess for

a flask of coffee, nice and hot.

- Oh ta, most thoughtful, but
I must be out around the post.

- Oh you must have something
to warm you before you go.

- Oh, all right.

- A man needs something
hot on a cold night.

- Relief halt!

Sentries pass!

- Number one post all's well.

- Relief about turn.

Quick march.

- Oi big head what's the password?

- There isn't one.

- Halt, who goes there?

Be careful I'm trigger happy.

I once shot a golden highlander
right through the bagpipes.

- It's only me sir.

- Why didn't you say so?

- I thought I might prepare a coculation.

- What's that?
- Something to eat.

Oh, a very good idea, yes.

Rossiter, I'm getting
rather tired of this caviar.

It's a bit lumpy.

- I'm sorry sir, a drop more champagne.

- Yes, thanks very much.

- Rather bubbly this.

- I prefer it to Stoops on Dry.

- Stoops on Dry?

- Someone approaching your post sir,

shall I give the challenge?

- No, I better do that,
otherwise the CO gets the needle.

Give me my gun will you?

Halt, who goes there?

- Friend.

- Oh yep.

Advance friend and let's have a butcher's.

Aren't you ugly?

Rossiter is he a friend of yours?

- Indeed no sir.

- Not a friend of mine,
sorry mate no one knows you.

- Smart and Rossiter, consider
yourselves under open arrest.

- Now look shouting will not help you.

Stand back, you come a soup song nearer,

I'll put a bullet in your built up area.

- You know me, Sergeant Major Thickpenny

and you're going to know me a lot better.

- Thickpenny, Thickpenny?

Rossiter do we know any Thickpennys?

- The Leicester Thickpennys perhaps,

ask him where he hunts.

- Do you go out with the corn?

- The Hathwitcher Thickpennys.

- Oh, the Berkeleys, I
knew a Slicer Thickpenny.

He's doing time for a
razor job at Campton Park.

- Pardon me sir, that
was Slasher Halfpenny.

- Quiet you.
- Just a minute,

you can't go through unless
you know the password?

- Password, what password?

We never have a password.

- Oh, we've just made one up.

Oh ho, you'll never guess
it, like to have a try?

- Is it animal vegetable or mineral?

- Animal.

- Has it legs?

- Oh yes.

- Would you introduce it to your mother?

- I can't, I can't trust my father.

- Is it a female of the species?

Is it the female?

- Blonde?

- Yes.

- Not, not Sergeant Tipp?

- Down you go.

Don't give him the money, Barney!

- Wait till I get you
on plate in the morning.

- About face!

Come on lads, quick time, get a move on.

Christ, you're all over the place.

Get over there Smart, move your feet.

And done!

When I was a little boy I had

a beautiful set of wooden
soldiers all painted by hand.

They were my pride and joy.

And one day I went to Sunday school

and the teacher told me
of the beauties of charity

and that we must give what
we have to those with less.

So I gave my set of wooden soldiers

to a poor little boy
that had none of his own.

I wanted them back and I cried

and my mummy comforted
me saying never mind son,

one day you'll get your wooden
soldiers back, you'll see.

And believe you me you thickheaded clots,

that day has come.

What are you doing there Smart?

You're supposed to standing
location, not at ease.

And where's your rifle?

- I'm waiting until
they issue the new ones.

- What did you say your horrible man?

- I'm waiting till they
issue the new ones.

I thought it was a waste of time

learning with these obsolete weapons.

- You thought?

No one ever thinks in the army.

That's the first thing you
should get into your thick head.

Suppose everyone refused
to work with weapons

because they were obsolete.

Why the whole army would
come to a standstill.

Then where would we be?

- You'd be outside the OG

and full out for two and four,
queue on for three and six--

- Stop talking now, here you.

- Sir.

- Don't point that beard
at me, it might go off.

Give me that rifle.

Now what have I got here?
- A rifle sir.

- That's right, a rifle
a soldier's best friend

in time of war, what's
a soldier's best friend

in a time of war?
- Gastric ulcer.

- Quiet, shove arms.

What do you think you're doing?

- Shoving arms like you said sergeant.

- Don't you know your
right from your left?

- I know right from wrong.

- Have you got a hankie?

- Sure.
- Give it to me.

- Why you got a cold?

- I'm gonna tie it along your left wrist.

- Oh.
- This is your left,

and that's your right.

- And ne'er the twain shall meet.

- This is your left.

- You know I've always
wanted to know that.

That's the left.

- All right, give me that rifle.

I'm show you to shove arms.

Shove arms one, you throw it up the side

and catch it with both hands.

Two, you throw it across the body,

hit it with your left hand.

Three you cut your right hand
away to the side, got it?

- Yeah.

- All right, shove arms.

One, two, three.

- Now you've got it.

- Hello, hello, my kin,

you two janker waddles
have got a nice soft job,

cleaning the orderly room windows.

When I was a young soldier,

I'd have make that last
me a couple of days.

- I know you would you old rogue.

You've been scrounging ever since

you were excused boots at
the Battle of Balaclava.

- Give him a good run at the leather

and polish him up with blue bell.

Sergeant Manners likes to be
able to see his face in them.

- Blimey, why?

- You do them suds and I'll do these suds.

♪ And I'll be in Scotland before ye ♪

- Hello Mr. Smart, you on jankers already?

- Yes, I'm allergic to the
sergeant like shellfish.

Mr. Jones, tell your daughter

she's got nothing to worry about.

I'm managing to prize the lieutenant

and Sally Briggs apart I think.

- Oh excellent Smart.

- Boys what are you doing?

- Drawing sir.

- Who do you think with
that beard, soldier Raleigh?

Shave it off.

- I've got a beard today please sir.

- A what?

- A permission to wear my beard sir.

I'm an artist in civil life.

- You look like the
bearded lady in the circus.

- Yes sir.

- All right madam.

Who's that supposed to be?

- It's you sir.

- Private Briggs, have you got
today's rationing strength?

- Yes, corporal, I've got it.

- Where was you after on the back of

Lieutenant's Robinson's bike last night?

- Hey, what's that?

- I saw you hanging on with
your arms around his waist.

- All right sergeant major
you've had your penance.

- Hey what's that?

- I want time and a half on this.

- Useless idol fellow,
can't even turn a tap on.

Get out of the way.

Quite simple for anyone
of normal faculties.

- It's funny chaps, said we
weren't gonna have any rain.

- Oh, Jim, goodness you do your part.

- A typical English
understatement, I thank you kindly.

- Whatever have you got there?

- Ah potatoes.

I'm in fatigue in the sergeant's mess.

- Oh no, you're not in trouble again.

- Aye, and the sergeant's
cooked a Celtic supporter.

- Oh.

- Here, just a minute,

I want to talk to you about last night.

- Last night?

- What happened after you
left me at the MT park?

- I went to the billet, why?

- Is that so, on the back
of Lieutenant Robson's bike?

- Yes.

- Hanging over your arms under his neck.

- His waist, darling.
- Why?

- Why because he asked me to.

- What?

- He asked me to hold him tight.

- And you did so, why?

- Why what?

- Why did he ask you to hold him tight,

the scurvy bee scoundrel?

- Because he didn't want me to fall off

the back of his bike.

- Just back to the billet was that all?

- Yes, of course.

- Look, I've heard things about Robson.

He's a real womanizer and I don't like you

getting mixed up with him.

- How lonesome were the gifted gears

to see yourselves as ever seers.

- Now lift Robby out of this,
it's no laughing matter.

What I want to know is are
we engaged or are we not?

- Yes we are.

- Well just you bear that in mind

next time you go riding
around on Robson's bike.

- Really Jim, you are the limit.

You're always jumping to conclusions

and they're always the wrong ways.

- If there's any repetition of this,

I might have to reconsider my position.

- You just reconsider yourself to blazes,

you haggis bastard.

- Private Briggs.

- Coming corp.

- Oh woman.

- No, look, it's all over
between us, don't look like that.

You're breaking my heart.

I tried to tell you, you
wouldn't listen to me, would you?

Let us part, it's better that way.

In years to come, we'll look back at this

and we'll laugh we'll laugh.

- Oh hello Tommy.

You having trouble?

- Oh, I think my carburetor's stuck.

I must get a self-starter for this.

- Oh you are a fool Tommy.

- Yes, the army of the
future, no more skinning

your fingers peeling potatoes.

We're mechanized now.

They'll give you this
and you break an arm.

I suppose they'll give us gunpowder next.

- Actually I wanted to see you Tommy.

Ooh, I don't seem to be
getting anywhere with Horace,

the sergeant major, he seems to be afraid

to let himself go.

- Well he's a very sensitive
type, Sagittarius I think.

- I tried every road to his heart

and they all seem to
be the same, no entry.

- The way to a man's heart
is through his stomach.

Ask the sergeant cook what
Thickpenny's favorite dish is

and then serve it up to him
with your own lily white hands.

- Oh, what a wonderful idea Tommy.

What Sergeant Major
Thickpenny's favorite dinner?

- What he likes is a
real old-fashioned soup.

There's a beautiful piece of
meat, look at that.

It's as tender as a woman's heart.

Put that in.

Vegetables, parsnips.

Oh look remind you of
Sergeant Major Thickpenny.

- I went to the neighborhood store

and made your purchases,

one bar of Light Boy.
- Light Boy.

- One tin of Brasso's.
- Brasso.

- One cherry blossom black.

One tube of toothpaste.

One bottle of brilliant tea

and one bottle of Cascara.

- Now it says dice the carrots.

- Dice the carrots.

Three queens.

- Four kings.

- No it says dice the carrots,

not dice for the carrots.

- Oh, sorry.

- Now the thickening.

- Thickening?

Oh, we haven't got any thickening.

Isn't it thickening, no thickening?

I know here we are.

Hold this will you?

- Well well well what's going on in here?

- We're making a lovely stew,

with plenty of ingredients
Horace, especially for you.

- That is kind of you.

- The cook said it was your favorite dish.

- That's most thoughtful of you Smart.

I'm sorry I've been so harsh
with you on put you on jankers.

- That's all right, sergeant major.

Can I borrow your hankie?

- With pleasure.

- Oh think how lovely
life could be Horace.

Home, married court after
a long day on the square,

to a nice smiling wife
ready to cheer you up

and make you laugh and a pot of stew

boiling merrily on the stove.

Oh think how happy how
happy they could be.

- Sounds wonderful.

- And a bath for the poor thing.

- A bath for the poor thing.

- Life is a pheasant cooking in the oven.

- My favorite authors, well
I really must be going.

I look forward to the stew.

- You'll remember all your
life, I promise you that.

Now let me see, batter
pudding, A, B, bubblysqueak,

oh batter pudding, first one bag of flour,

one bag of flour.
- All right.

- That's it, one bag of flour.

- Now don't forget that
flour is self-raising.

You don't want any baking powder.

- No baking powder?
- No baking powder.

- Right no baking powder.

- One egg.
- One egg.

- No one egg's not enough,

put all the eggs in, all the eggs.

- Sugar, no milk.

- Milk.
- Milk.

- Not too much milk, it's very fattening.

- Water.
- Water.

- And a little baking powder.

- No cook said no baking powder.

- This is Philip Hartman's Live Story

and he distinctly says baking powder...

- But...
- Look, life is very flat

without baking powder.

- But this flour's self-raising.

- Look this is a welfare state.

Nothing is self-raising.

- All right then.

- Mix it up, there we go,
lovely, into the dish.

Oh ho ho, what a lovely surprise

for Sergeant Major
Thickpenny, there it is.

- My dear Sylvie, I'm afraid
I have something serious

to tell you about Arthur,
something very serious indeed.

- Sergeant Manner's not here corporal?

- No sir.

- Well there's no need
to stand for attention,

Mr. Corporal Jones sir.

I know discipline can only be maintained

by observing the proper relationship

between officers in other ranks,

but there are exceptions eh?

- When the other rank is
a female for instance?

- That's right, eh, what do you mean?

- You know very well
what I mean, Arthur, sir.

What the devil do you mean by

playing fast and loose with my daughter?

- Playing fast and...?
- Loose.

- Running around with your daughter?

- Yes, running around
with his girl on the camp.

- Which girl?

- Yes, that's right there
are two aren't they?

- Mr. Jones sir, this is fantastic.

Me run around with girls on the camp?

Why before I met your daughter Sylvie,

I had no other interest in life,

except the manual of military
law and queen's regulations.

- I believe the evidence
of my own eyes and yours.

- But Mr. Jones sir, I
could no more conceive

of deceiving your daughter Sylvie

than come on parade in dirty boots

and I can't say fairer than that.

- The day has took off the corporal sir?

- Not at all, quite
the reverse, thank you.

- Sorry to be so long in the neck,

but there were so many birds
there, I couldn't get a thing.

- That's all right Sally,

you can get as much time
as you like, if you like.

- But I don't like if I
want any special favors,

I'll indent for them in triplicate

through the usual channels.

- Oh.

- Be careful.

What kind is this?

Add some more hydrogen.

Oh, oh, quick, get the MO,

I think it wants lancing.

- Why don't you stick a fork in it?

- These harebrained haberdashery
boot lacing is going up.

- What are you doing up there Smart?

- Chase me Cantobol, I'm a moth.

- Oi, rough chops, what are you doing

with those beard trimmings?

- That's your rubbish, you can keep that.

- Oh no, Rossiter?

- Yes sir.

- We don't smoke weights do we?

- No sir, only Turkish.

- That's what I thought.

- Go for it chaps, now have

we got everything ready for the CO?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Good, now it's the last
day of the course chaps.

We want to leave a really
splendid impression behind,

don't we and that's just
what we're gonna do.

I see what a really beautiful surface

you've got on this floor,

why you could your breakfast
off it, couldn't you?

Stand at your beds.

- Calm down.

- Attention.

- Look, sergeant major fluff!

This bed space hasn't been swept for days.

- But Rossiter just did it.

- Stop talking.

Name and number.

- 144 Smart.

Smart by name, but
not by nature.

Quiet, look at these kids laid out.

Where's his house wife?

- Where's his house wife, sergeant major?

- Where's your house wife Smart?

- It's gone to join the
house wives' league.

She couldn't play for Fulsom.

- Where's the spare shirt?

- At the laundry, sir.

- It's at the laundry, sir.

- Where's the spare underpants?

- At the laundry sir.

- At the laundry sir.

- And where is your mother?

- She's at the laundry washing
the shirt and the underpants.

- Look at these blassies,

Green with fur, why haven't
you polished them my man?

- Why haven't we polished them my man?

- I overlooked them I'm sorry.

- I overlooked them we're sorry.

- Stop this man one day's pay.

- Stop this man one day's pay.

- Yes sir.

- You've got one day's pay stopped

and you stamp your own card.

- Very good sir.

- Dust!

Dust!

♪ On the humbug ♪

♪ I dream the whole night through ♪

♪ What puts the milk in the coconuts ♪

♪ Who painted all the blue bells blue ♪

♪ Who puts the stripes on the humbug ♪

♪ He puts the stripes on you ♪

- Good evening.
- Good evening Horace,

how's things?
- Not too bad.

- Looking forward to tomorrow I'll bet.

- Yeah, I'll be glad to
be short of this zed lot.

- You will be glad to lose old
Smart most of all won't you?

- Oh no I won't.

I'd like to have him around a bit longer.

15 days in the glass will
should do him a lot of good.

What are you having Fibby, the usual?

- Yes may as well.

- What do you want cop?

- Two pints of black and tan.

- Two pints of black and tan.

- Have you got permission
from the commanding officer

to take up civilian employment
in after duty hours?

- I am not in employed here.

I own the joint.

I came in, they couldn't change a fiver.

So I decided to buy the place.

I've always wanted to own a pub.

Rossiter, two pints of black and tan.

- I'm going straight back to camp

and I'm going through queen's regulations

with a fine tooth comb
and I'll have you up

with the CO in the morning
if it's the last thing I do.

Report to me at the orderly at 0900 hours

and you better be there.

- Sergeant major, your
slightest wish is my command.

I shall see you at 0900
hours in the morning.

- I'm sorry, but there's no
singing allowed in this bar.

- Hello Horace, I've been looking for you.

- She's a madwoman, I'm off.

She nearly poisoned me the other day.

They had to take a stomach pump to me.

- Well you'll be off
tomorrow, back to the bank eh?

- That's right, sir.

- Have another drink, for short.

- I don't think so.

Neither should you.

- Why not might be almost
the best thing to do,

get roaring drunk.

- You make quite a habit
of it from what I hear.

- What's that?

Who told you that?

- One hears things.

- Sergeant.

- This bar is out of bounds to the rack.

- I'm sorry sir I was
only looking for him.

- Whatever it is you're looking for,

you won't find it in there.

- I don't know what's
coming over these women,

they walk in just like they're any worth,

think they'll get away with it.

- So that's what you've
been writing to Sylvie,

a lot of oddly wrong gossip.

I must say I'm surprised at you sir.

I should have thought you
would have had more sense.

Nice letters I've been getting, real acid.

Thank the Lord you've only
one more day to snoop on me.

- To snoop on you?

- Yes, snoop, S-N-O-O-P, snoop.

- Now there's no need
to be offensive Arthur.

- She's threatening to
send me back the ring.

- Good, best thing she could do.

- All right, corporal, on your way.

This bar's officers only.

- That's right, you're like all officers.

When you're in the wrong,
they check their rank about.

Good night sir.

- Good night!

Hey wait a minute Mr. Jones.

Oh, what's the use?

Give me a whiskey.

- Better have a double,
better have the bottle,

go on, it's on the house.

- Well what are you girls gonna have?

- I can buy my own drinks
thank you very much.

- Oh come on now Sal don't be silly.

- It's you who's being silly,

you with your absurd suspicions?

- Are they absurd?

There's no smoke without fire you know.

- All right, I'm Lieutenant
Robson's girlfriend.

Anyway, he's in the private bar,

why don't you go and ask him?

- Look there Sal, I never said...

- Didn't you, it sounded
very like it to me.

- Oh I give up.
- Oh, isn't that typical?

Never put a Scotsman a wrong.

- And never refuse a Scotsman
when he offers you a drink.

I was just getting ready
for a gin and tonic.

We got enough for another round Sal?

- No, only enough for a chandy between us.

- Look, why don't you let me?

- Allow me to serve you
a drink on the house.

- Well that's very kind of you.

- Do you come from Sheffield?

- Yes, however did you guess?

- Oh, I come from Tinsley myself.

- Whereabouts?

- Well you know the undertaker's...

- What you mean his job at the trick shop?

♪ If the girl next door
calls you on the phone ♪

♪ In the middle of the night ♪

♪ And she says she's sure
that a fuse has blown ♪

♪ Will you come and fix it for life ♪

♪ That's opportunity, opportunity ♪

- He's very good, who is he?

- Max Bygraves, an Englishman

they smuggled into the land of Paladium.

- Oh, he's wonderful.
- What?

- He's wonderful.

- Good night Max it was nice seeing you.

You shouldn't say any
other man is wonderful.

I thought you were in love.

Looks as though you're
keeping it a secret.

I was in love once.

Yes, that was my top secret.

♪ I've got a top secret ♪

♪ Locked up in my heart ♪

♪ And I'll never part with the key ♪

♪ I've got a top secret ♪

♪ No one has a clue ♪

♪ I'm in love with you and you love me ♪

♪ We don't break big headlines,
photographers and fuss ♪

♪ But just a cozy rendezvous
where no on knows but us ♪

♪ You are my top secret ♪

♪ And I'll never tell ♪

♪ Till the wedding bell starts to chime ♪

♪ Then they'll know my little secret ♪

♪ My sweet and lovely secret ♪

♪ They'll know you were
top secret all the time ♪

♪ You are my top secret ♪

♪ And I'll never tell ♪

♪ Till the wedding bells start to chime ♪

♪ And they'll know my little secret ♪

♪ My secret love is secret ♪

♪ They'll know you were
top secret all the time ♪

- Well that's turned it.

I'm locked out.

- Hello hello hello.

What do you think you're doing?

- I'm trying to break in.
- To break in.

- Well that's the general idea.

- Oh, go down the road there.

It's dead easy.

There's a big gap in the fence.

Everyone gets in that way.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Thanks very much, oh I
say look, here's a fiver.

Buy your own glass house.

- Blimey.

- He's the nicest man
I've seen in a longtime.

He's so attractive.

- What did you think of
the telly tonight darling?

- Oh he's gorgeous.
- Who Max Bygraves?

- No, Rossiter, such a
gentleman's gentleman.

- Oh there's nobody like my Jim.

- Come on girls keep down.

I'm going to put the lights down.

Pipe down now.

- Hey you.

I'll get posted in Malay,
that's what I'll do.

Maybe Sylvie will be sorry,

especially when she reads

officer dies fighting bravely in ambush.

That will shake her.

- Excuse me, sir, am I
going the right for a block?

- I'll show you.

- Posthumous award of the military craft.

By no means saying it's a
tradition of the regiment.

And there was poor Sylvie
all in black, kiss me honey.

- Good night girls.

- Oi, mate, you're in my bed.

Turn the light on.

- Damsel in distress, Sir
Galahad to the rescue.

- There he is, get him.

- Come on girls, don't let him get out.

- Hello hello hello what's all this about?

- He's trying to get away.

- Oh I see.

Leave this to me.

Quick, go and get him from the outside.

Now then you peeping Tom.

- Hello, what's going on here?

An officer, I can smell alcohol.

I think you're sickened.

You will explain to
your CO in the morning.

Take him off to the nick I mean
the cooler, the guard room.

Away with you.

Dib dib dib.

Get the car turned out around

I'm gonna say goodbye to
Sergeant Major Thickpenny.

- Is Mr. Robson ready?

- He's on his way sir.
- Good.

- And that'll be his lot.

- Good morning sarge, working?

- What are you doing out of uniform?

You're in the army till 1200 hours.

- I thought you'd like
to see me looking my best

when I came to kiss you goodbye.

- Sit down and wait there.

I'll deal with you later.

- It's a bad show Arthur,
what a silly thing.

- I can explain everything sir.

- I hope so.

I hope so.

Lieutenant Robson's here sergeant.

- Right, the poor thing look at him.

Just one moment sir.

It's a sure court marshal,

conduct to the prejudice,

behavior unbecoming an
officer and a gentleman,

I lay you two to one, he's cashiered

and slung out of the army.

- Well they charged him with everything

except smoking in bed.

- One buzz, that's for
you Sergeant Manners.

- Thank you, Private Briggs.

- He seems happy.

I'll wonder at it, he's jealous.

Gang Robson's been cutting
him out with Sally.

- Oh what a lot of nonsense.

I've never been out with
Lieutenant Robson in my life.

I only pretended that to
put Sergeant Manners up.

- You mean you're not the
lieutenant's girlfriend?

- No of course not.

- Quite a girl eh?

This reminds you of the
one you left at Balaclava.

- Yes, sergeant major I dare say

we could charge this fellow Smart,

but I don't want any
trouble with these zed men,

particularly on their last day here.

He'll stand on his rights as a citizen

or something tiresome,

start moaning to his MP and then I'll have

the under section of the war
heads breathing down my neck.

No, sergeant major I have quite enough

on my plate as it is without this.

- Very good sir.

- Send in Lieutenant Robson in

and the first of the witnesses.

- Yes, sir.

- We saw this officer try
to get away from Hut F

through the window, so
we apprehended him sir.

- Then what happened?

- Colonel Trudgeon came up.

- I beg your pardon.

- Huh?

- If you'll allow me
sir, I never clapped eyes

on Lieutenant Robson last night.

I went to bed before light's out

and didn't wake up until early.

- Now let me get this straight ma'am.

You're telling me the whole
of this story is false?

That 10 young women and a
couple of your own narcs

are perjuring themselves?

- I knew nothing of this affair

till I came to this office this morning

to report the loss of a great coat.

Someone broke into my bedroom.

- Why should anyone
break into your bedroom?

- They removed a great
coat and a pair of shoes.

- Well Robson, what do
you have to say to that?

- I can only repeat sir
Colonel Trudgeon was there.

She accused me of being a drunk.

Isn't that right, corporal?

- Yes sir.

- I did not do such a thing.

- Your actual words mum
as I remember them were

and you've been partaking of alcohol too.

- But this is incredible.

I never left my room the whole night.

- But good heavens woman
you must have done.

Did they all imagine they saw you?

- Are you making me out to be a liar?

- I'm not making you out to be a liar,

I am simply seeking to discover the truth.

Perhaps you're a somnambulist.

- I beg your pardon.

- Perhaps you walk in your sleep.

- I never walked in my sleep in my life,

nor in any anybody's sleep.

- Well then perhaps you are the one

who had partaken in alcohol.

- How dare you sir, I am
the presence of other ranks.

I've had enough of this sir.

It's bad enough that my girls aren't safe

in their privacy of their house

from the prying eyes of their officers

and that one's property should
be whipped away in the night,

but that you should
accuse me of being drunk.

If this matter is not cleared up

and that psychopath punished,

I shall take the whole
thing to a higher level.

- Let's not get heated ma'am.

- Sergeant major clear the room.

- Sir, lads come on,
right turn, quick march.

Left, right, left, right halt.

To your space.

- How's it going in there sir?

- Oh seconds out of the
ring with the old man

and the creepy bit.

He hates her guts.

If he can spike her guns, he will.

- I'll bet.
- What about

Lieutenant Robson?

- Don't look too rosy for him.

- Oh, I did like him.

My poor Sylvie it will break her heart.

- He admits he was around
the scene if you ask me.

- Oh how dreadful.

- All right Smart, you can hop it now.

The CO's too busy to be bothered
with you, more's the pity.

You have the luck of
the nine blind beggars.

- Sergeant major I'd like to see the CO.

- Well you can't now.

- It's about Lieutenant Robson.

- About Lieutenant Robson?

- I've got some very
important evidence to give.

- You're not up to your
tricks again are you?

- No honestly.

- All right, wait there
and I'll shunt you in.

- Just fancy Lieutenant Robson canned.

I can't believe it.

- I thought you called him
a flipping dipsomaniac.

- Oh, just pulling your leg corporal.

- Honestly?

- All right Smart, face the woodwork.

- It is a far, far better thing I do

than I've ever done.

It is a far, far better place I go to

than I've ever been.

Lead on, Plumduff!

- Private Smart, turn,
hat off, quick march,

left, right, left, right,
forward, left, right, left.

Left turn, halt there, halt.

Right turn.

Private Smart sir.

- As Lieutenant Robson is likely

to be somewhat restricted
in his movements,

I wonder about coming out with me tonight?

- No, I can't.

- Why not?

- Well I've got another date.

- Who is it this time?

- Oh, I'm go beboping with the CO.

- I'll have something to say about that.

- Oh.

- What do you want Campbell?

- A signal, sergeant, read it and weep.

I've been posted to Tenford Mess.

- Oh Jim.

- It's all right, you're coming too.

- What?

- Your name is in the list as well.

- Why you mean we're going
to the hills together?

- That's right, come on.

- Immediate postings!

- Goodbye, sergeant.
- And the best of luck!

- File them.

Hooky!
- Sergeant.

- We need an extra body in here.

- Yes sergeant.

- Now what was the name
of that blond clerk

in the pay office?

- I see.

You say these aren't your shoes.

- No sir.

- Then whose are they?

- That ma'am we have to determine.

- How?

- Take them round the camp and find

some flaming Cinderella to fit them.

- They're mine sir.

- Permission to speak.

- Permission to speak, sir.

- Yours?
- Yes sir.

Last night I was in the girl's hut,

I got lost in the dark.

I was with you.

One of the girls woke up and she screamed.

They were all after me sir I ran for it.

- That still doesn't
explain why everyone claims

to have seen me where I wasn't.

- I can explain it that ma'am.

When I dived out the girl's hut,

I ducked into Colonel Trudgeon's room sir.

- You entered my room?

- Yes ma'am.

- Grave valor, proceed.

- I slipped into her own coat,

stepped into her shoes and I kidded

that I was Queen Beak, Colonel Trudgeon.

Now what's going on here?

- Well Private Smart, that's
a most fascinating story,

but I'm afraid I find it hard to believe.

- Ha!

- Can you prove that you were

Colonel Trudgeon's room last night?

Can you produce the great coat perhaps?

- I haven't got it sir.

- Then where is it?

- I threw it in a pig swirl bin.

- You did what?

- There is one way I can prove it sir.

- You can?

- It's a bit awkward.

- Okay, carry on.

- Permission to speak sir.

- Mm-hmm.
- To Queen Beak,

Colonel Trudgeon?
- Mm-hmm.

What have you done Smart?

What have you done to Colonel Trudgeon.

- I reminded her about a
strawberry mark she's got.

I saw it when she was in bed last night.

She turned over and...

- Never mind about the
geographical details.

Is this true ma'am?

- Well sir, a matter of fact sir it is.

- Perhaps we could see it if
it's not too inaccessible.

- Well...

- You see how important it is.

It would prove the truth
of this man's story

and exonerate Lieutenant Robson as well.

- Oh very well.

- Smart, you can go, you've seen it once.

- Oh thank you sir.

Oh what an escape I've had.

I nearly had a preview of a horror comic.

You know I was able to
help the lieutenant,

he's a very decent chap Mr. Jones.

- It was very good of you Mr. Smart.

Well time marches on.

I've got to be in New York in 24 hours.

- New York?
- Yes.

I'm flogging some moldy
ministry cheese for fertilizer,

ooh, a very big deal.

Oh I love that woman, every ton of her.

- Thanks a lot old boy, it
was darned decent of you,

coming forward like that.

- Think nothing of it, corp.

After all we had to do
something for Sylvie,

didn't we Mr. Jones?

- I can't thank you enough Mr. Smart.

- Mr. Jones it's a pleasure
to do business with you.

- It was wonderful of you.

Well Arthur, I'm afraid
I've maligned you terribly.

- Oh well, must be going.

Bye bye and it's very,
very nice having met you.

I've gotta get going now, goodbye.

- Where do you think you're
going you horrible man?

- New York.

- You won't be going
anywhere for a long while.

You'll be up before the CO in the morning.

Get the charge sheet out Sergeant Manners.

- Yes sir.

- Impersonating an officer,
stealing an officer's great coat

breaking into an officer's
room, indecent behavior

and breaking bounds in that
you were rack sleeping quarters

and after lights out.

- But my Hollis Street man...

- Your Hollis Street man
will have to keep you alive

a long while to serve all
the time you're gonna get.

- But what about my cheese?

- It'll still be there when you come up.

Turn, quick march, left, right, left.

Left, right, left, right.

- Oh Horace, I've got another pie for you.

- Ha, you've got it!

- What a horrible sight!

- Never mind Horace, you still got me!

- This is your last play,
break into double time,

double march, I'll be glad
to see the last of you lots,

you dishonorable men, hold up, turn.

Come now, pick it up.

- Sergeant major hey!

- Lads!

- About turn!

About turn!

About turn!

- Halt halt!

Go on, pick it up.

Halt you useless clots,
get on home or else.

- What an awful mess!

Why don't you pack up?

- Time you packed up, isn't it?

- You've no right to
call me you little pain.

- Why not?

You should holster this quad
before you turn towards me.

Where's your balance square graph?

- And where the hell is yours?

What's the matter with you?

Haven't you had your pint
of blood yet this morning?

- Yes, I had my pint of blood

and I could see of you
you want some of yourself.

Never seen anything like it
before in all of me life.

- Goodbye.

Oh you lucky people!