You Can't Take It with You (1979) - full transcript

[instrumental music]

[typewriter clacking]

[clacking continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[growling]

[clacking continues]

[growling]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[birds chirping]



My, that kitchen's hot.

What?
What, Essie?

I say that kitchen's awful hot.

That new candy I'm making,
it just won't ever get cool.

Hmm. Do you have
to make candy today, Essie?

It's such a hot day.

Well, I got
all those new orders.

Ed went out and got
a bunch of new orders.

Oh, my, if this keeps up,
you'll be opening a store.

That's what Ed was saying
last night, but I said "no".

I want to be a dancer.

Ooh!
I'm sorry.

The trouble with dancing is,
it takes such a long time.

You've been studying
for so long.



Only...eight years.

After all mother, you've been
writing plays for eight years.

We started about
the same time, didn't we?

Yes, but you mustn't count
my first two years

because I was learning to type.

I think your candy's
hardening up now, Essie.

Oh, thanks, Rheba.

I'll bring some in, mother.
I want you to try it.

Finished your second act yet,
Mrs. Sycamore?

Oh, my.
No, Rheba.

I've just got Cynthia
entering a monastery.

Wait a minute. She was at
the Kit Kat club, wasn't she?

Yes, but she gets tired
of the Kit Kat club

and there's this monastery,
so she goes there.

- And they let her in?
- Yes, I made it visitor's day.

- So, of course, anybody can go.
- Oh.

And she arrivers
on visitor's day

and she just stays.

- All night?
- Yes, she stays six years.

Six years? My, I bet she bust
that monastery wide open.

Oh!

"Six years later."

- Mr. DePinna.
- 'Yeah?'

Would you bring one
of the new skyrockets?

I wanna show it
to Mrs. Sycamore.

(Mr. DePinna)
'Sure.'

Penny, what do you think
of these new little

firecrackers we made?

We can sell 'em
ten strings for a cent.

Listen.

[popping]

- Nice, huh?
- Yes.

Paul dear, were you
ever in a monastery?

No. I wasn't.

Wait till you see
the new skyrockets.

Gold stars, blue stars,
bombs and a balloon.

Mr. DePinna thought
of the balloon.

Here we are.
Ha ha ha.

Look at this, Penny.

We make them for 18 cents
and sell them for 50.

How many could we make before
the 4th of July, Mr. DePinna?

We got two weeks, when're you
gonna take it to Mount Vernon?

In a week. We're gonna
need a larger booth.

- We got a lot more stuff.
- Mr. Sycamore.

The only thing that bothers me,
I'm afraid the powder chamber

is a little bit close
to the balloon.

The blue stars
and the bombs are in between.

That don't give
the balloon time.

The balloon
needs plenty of time.

Come on.
Let's get outside and try it.

- Alright.
- 'Mr. DePinna.'

If a girl you loved entered a
monastery, what would you do?

Oh, I don't know, Mrs. Sycamore.
It's been so long.

[instrumental music]

Well, you'd think
with 40 monks and one girl

something would happen.

Is Alice gonna be home for
dinner tonight, Mrs. Sycamore?

Oh. No.
I don't know, Rheba.

- Maybe.
- I'll set a place for her.

She ain't been home
but one night this week.

Yes, I know.

Let see.
Six.

Mr. DePinna
and if Mr. Kolenkhov comes

that makes eight, don't it?

[firecrackers bursting]

Yeah, I better set for eight.

Rheba, I'm gonna put
this play away for a while.

I'm going back to the war play.

Oh, good, Mrs. Sycamore.
I always liked that war play.

Would you out Groucho and Harpo
in the kitchen, please?

They'll be better
when they're hotter.

Try one.
I wanna know what you think.

My, they look lovey, Essie.
What do you call them?

I think I'll call them
"Love Dreams."

That's nice.

Essie, I'm going back to
the war play, what do you think?

Oh. Are you, mother?

Well, I've sort
of got myself in a monastery

and I can't get out.

Well, it'll come to you, mother.

Remember how you got
out of that brothel.

Hello, boys.

The snakes look hungry.
Did Rheba feed them?

I don't know.

I believe
I'll have another Love Dream.

Oh, Mr. DePinna
was right about that balloon.

It was too close to the powder.

I'm going back
to the war play, Paul.

Oh, that's nice.

I'm gonna wash.

- Hey, Essie.
- Yes.

- Look at this.
- What?

- What is it?
- Wait don't talk, don't talk.

[xylophone music]

Oh, Ed.
I like it. Did you write it?

No. Beethoven.

Lovely.
Got a lot of you in it.

I made a lot of those
new candies this afternoon, Ed.

Yeah?

You can take them
around tonight.

Alright.

Now, this is the big finish.
This part is me.

[music continues]

Oh. Oh, that's fine, Ed.

Remember tonight when Kolenkhov
comes, will you?

Alright.

Ed dear, why don't
you and Essie have a baby?

I was thinking about that
just the other day.

I don't know. We...
could if you wanted us to.

What about it?
Wanna have a baby?

I don't care.
I'm willing, if grandpa is.

- Let's ask him. Alright?
- Alright.

"Labor play,
religious play, sex play."

I know it's here somewhere.

Rheba. What's for dinner?
I'm about to print up the menu.

Hmm, lets see.

Watermelon,
corn flakes..

...some of those candies
Essie made.

- And some kinda meat.
- Alright.

I think, I'll set it up in
bold face Cheltenham tonight.

If I'm gonna deliver
the candies

I better think up
some descriptive matter.

Ed, do you think
people really read those things

that you put in candy boxes?

Oh, here's the war play.
"Poison Gas."

That must be Donald,
look at Rheba smile.

Ah, the boyfriend, huh, Rheba?

Oh, Donald and Rheba
are so cute together.

Sort of like Porgy and Bess.

Hello, Rheba.

Donald.

- Hi, Donald.
- Good evening, Mrs. Sycamore.

- How've you been?
- Very well, thank you.

- Hi, Donald.
- Hi, Ed.

- Oh, Donald.
- Yes, ma'am.

Were you ever in a monastery?

No. I don't go no place much.
I'm on relief.

Oh, yes, of course.

Got the flies
for the snakes.

- Caught a mess of 'em today.
- Oh, yeah.

- How's grandpa?
- Fine.

He's at Columbia this afternoon.
The commencement exercises.

What's he go there
all the time for?

I don't know. It's handy
just around the corner.

Oh, hi, Donald.

- 'Hi.'
- Say.

Mr. DePinna and I are taking
the fireworks up to Mount Vernon

next week,
could you give us a hand?

Yes, sir. Only I can't
take no money for it.

The government finds out I've
been working, they'll get sore.

Oh. I just had a wonderful idea
in the bathroom just now.

I was reading Trotzky.
That's yours, isn't it, Ed?

- I left it in there.
- Who is it?

You know Trotzky,
the Russian revolution?

Oh!

Anyways, it struck me
as a great fireworks idea.

Remember "The Last Days
of Pompeii?

Oh, yes. Palisades Park.
That's where we first met.

Well, I'm gonna do the
revolution. A full hour display.

- Say..
- I think that's wonderful.

- And the red fire is the flag?
- And the Czar and Cossacks.

And the freeing of the slaves.

Well, sir,
you should've been there.

That's all I can say,
you should've been there.

- Hi, grandpa.
- Hello, grandpa.

Was it a nice
commencement, grandpa?

Wonderful, wonderful.

They get better ever year.

You don't know how lucky
you are you're snakes.

Big class this year, grandpa?
How many were there?

Oh, it must have been
about two acres of them.

Everybody graduated, too.

Much funnier speeches
than they had last year.

Wanna listen to a good speech?
You go and hear Father Divine.

No, I'll wait.
They'll have him at Columbia.

Donald, would you tell
Rheba grandpa's home

and we won't wait
for Miss Alice

Yes, ma'am. Rheba, grandpa's
home we can have dinner now.

Grandpa, Mr. DePinna and I
made a new skyrocket today.

Wait till you see it.

I wonder why they don't have
fireworks at commencements?

Don't make enough noise.

You take a good
commencement order

you'll drown out a whole
car load of fireworks.

Say just about as much, too.

Don't the graduate ever say
anything, grandpa?

[sighs]
No.

They just sit there
in their cap and night gown.

Get their diplomas.

Then, along about 40 years
form now, they suddenly say

"Where am I?"

Hello, grandpa.
Have a nice day?

"Hello, have a nice day?"
Don't I even get kissed?

Excuse me, grandpa.

I'll take a tomato.

I could've used
a couple of these

at commencement this afternoon.

That's right, Ed.
Play something.

Hey, Donald come around here.

There was a letter came for you,
grandpa. Did you get it?

A letter for me?
I don't know anybody.

Was for you, though.
Had your name on the outside.

Who was it from?
Did you notice?

Yes. Was on the outside.

Well, who was it?

United States government.

Really?
Wonder what they want.

There was one before that,
from the same people.

There was a couple of them.

Essie, if anymore come
I wish you'd give 'em to me.

Yes, grandpa.

"God is the state,
the state is God."

Who says that?

- Trotsky.
- Oh.

That's alright.
I thought maybe you did.

I like that.
That's good.

It's nice and short.
It's good for printing.

G-O-D space I-S space..

'G-O-D space
I-S space T-H-E space..'

And so, the beautiful princess
came into the castle.

- And kissed her mother.
- Hello, dear.

And her father.

And her grandfather.
Hi, guys.

- Darling.
- What do you think?

They turned into
the Sycamore family.

- Surprised.
- Alice, I like it.

- Oh, do you?
- 'It's nice and summery.'

Where's you get it?

Just took a little walk
during lunch hour.

You're taking
a lot of walks lately.

That's the second new dress.

Well, I like to brighten up
the office once in a while.

I'm know as the Kay Francis
of Kirby and Company. Ha ha.

So tell me what's new around
here, in the way of plays

and snakes, fireworks,
ballet dancing?

- Going back to the war play.
- Really, mama?

Oh, Ed, play that Beethoven
thing you wrote.

- Alright.
- 'Alice.'

You can mail a letter
all the way from Nicaragua

now for only two pesetos.

- Really?
- Listen to this.

"Kenneth, my virginity
is a priceless thing to me."

That's a good line
I can give that to Cynthia

in the monastery.

Oh, isn't this lovely, Alice?

Listen, a little louder, Ed.

Oh, listen, people,
listen, listen.

Yes, dear.

I'm not home to dinner.

A young gentlemen
is calling for me.

- Really.
- That's nice.

Why don't you both
come to dinner?

No. I want him
to take in easy doses.

I've tried to prepare him,
but don't make it any worse.

Don't read him
any plays, mother.

And don't let a snake bite him,
grandpa. Because I like him.

And I wouldn't dance for him,
Essie because..

...we are going to
the Monte Carlo ballet tonight.

Can't do anything.

Who is he?
President of the United States?

No, he's vice president
of Kirby and company.

Mr. Anthony Kirby Jr.

- The boss's son?
- Yes, the boss's son.

Just like the movies.

That explains the new dress.

And why you haven't
been home for dinner.

Why, Sherlock Holmes.

Alice, are you going
to marry him?

Yes, mother.
Yes, I am. Tonight.

I've to go and put on
my wedding dress.

- Oh.
- Is he good looking?

Oh, yes, in a word.

Oh, nuts.
What time is it, huh?

Oh, I don't know. Does anybody
know what time it is?

Mr. DePinna might know.

Was 5 o' clock
a couple of hours ago.

I know better
than to ask you people.

- Let me know when he comes?
- Of course, dear.

Oh, yes. I know.
I mean the minute he comes.

- Why, of course.
- Be sure.

[instrumental music]

Well, what do you think?

She seems to like him,
if you ask me.

I should say so,
she's got it bad.

Wouldn't it be wonderful
if she marries him?

We could have the wedding,
right in this room.

[instrumental music]

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, there he is.

Oh, Rheba,
never mind I'll answer it.

Now, remember what Alice said.

Be very nice to him.

Alright.
Lets take a look at him.

Well.

Well, welcome.
I'm Alice's mother. Do come in.

- Welcome to our little home.
- Thank you.

Here we are.

- This is Mr. Sycamore.
- How do you do?

Alice's father,
this is her sister

and her husband Ed Carmichael.

- And that's her grandfather.
- Hello.

Now, give me your hat and make
yourself right at home.

I'm afraid you must be making
some mistake.

"Wilbur C. Henderson.
Internal revenue department."

- That's right.
- What does he want?

Does a Mr. Martin Vanderhof
live here?

Yes, sir.
That's me.

Well, Mr. Vanderhof,
the United States government

would like to talk to you about
a little matter of income tax.

Do you mind if I sit down?

No, no, go right ahead.

(Alice)
'Mother, is that Mr. Kirby?'

No, no, dear, it isn't.

It's an internal
something or other.

Mr. Sycamore.

These things are not going off.

Not here Mr. DePinna,
grandpa's busy.

Oh. Excuse me.

Well, Mr. Vanderhof..

We've written you several
letters on the subject

but we've had no reply.

Oh, I put those letters away.

I told you they were
from the government.

According to our records,
Mr. Vanderhof

you've never paid an income tax.

- That's right.
- Why not?

Don't believe in it.

- Well, you do own property?
- Yeah.

- From which you receive income.
- That's right.

Of between three and four
thousand dollars.

About that.

Well, it seems,
Mr. Vanderhof, that you owe

the United States government
22 years back income tax.

Now, wait a minute.

You can't go back that far.
That's outlawed.

What was your name?

What difference does that make?

Ever file an income tax return?

No.

What was your income last year?

Twenty eight dollars
and 50 cents.

- Ain't that right, Essie?
- Yes, sir.

Mr. Vanderhof, uh..

You know there's
quite a penalty

for not filing
an income tax return?

Penalty?

Uh, Mr. Henderson...let me
ask you something.

If I were to pay you this money,
I don't say I'm gonna

but if I did,
what do I get?

For example, if I go
into Macy's and buy something

they put it in front of me.
There it is, I see it.

What does
the government give me?

Uh...well...the government
gives you everything.

It protects you.

- What from?
- Invasion.

Foreigners that might come
over here and take away

everything you've got.

I don't think they'll do
anything like that.

Well, if you didn't pay your
income tax, they would.

How do you think the government
keeps up the army and the navy?

All those battleships?

Mr. Henderson,
we haven't used battleships

since the Spanish American war.

What we got outta that was Cuba.
We gave that back.

I wouldn't mind paying
if it was something sensible.

Sensible?

What about congress,
supreme court?

The president, we've got
to pay them, haven't we?

Not with my money, no sir.

Now, wait a minute.

I didn't come here
to argue with you.

All I know is that you haven't
paid an income tax

and you've got to pay it.

Well, they've got to show me.

We don't have to show you,
I just told you.

All those buildings
down in Washington.

Interstate commerce,
the constitution.

Interstate commerce? What's
interstate commerce anyhow?

There are 48 states, see.

Without any interstate commerce,
nothing could move

from one state
to the other. See.

Well, have they got fences?

No, they don't have fences,
they've got laws.

My God, I've never come across
anything like this before.

Oh, I might pay about $75,
that's all it's worth.

You will pay ever cent of it,
just like everyone else.

And let me tell you
something more.

You'll go to jail if you don't
pay. Do you hear?

That is the law and if you think
you are bigger than the law

you've got another thing coming.

You will hear from
the United States government

and that is all that I can say.
Where's my hat?

- Look out for the snakes.
- Snakes?

Snakes.

[instrumental music]

[both laughing]

- It's working now.
- What did you think of that?

I liked it.

My goodness,
he was mad, wasn't he?

- Who?
- No, it's not his fault.

- Just his ridiculous job.
- He left his hat.

- Who?
- Wait a minute.

What size is that?

- Seven and an eighth.
- Just right for me.

[bell ringing]

Oh, my goodness.

This must be Mr. Kirby.

- Better make sure this time.
- Yes, I will.

I hope he's good looking.

- Oh.
- Oh. Good evening.

How do you do?
Are you Mr. Anthony Kirby, Jr.?

Yes.

Well, do come in.

We've been expecting you.

- Come right in.
- Thank you.

This is really Mr. Kirby.

Oh, I'm Mrs. Sycamore,
Alice's mother.

- How do you do?
- And this is Mr. Sycamore.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

And this is her grandfather.

- Hello.
- Hello.

And her sister
and her sister's husband.

- Hello.
- How do you do?

- Fine.
- Well, now you know us all.

Give me your hat and please,
make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

(Alice)
'Mother, is that Mr. Kirby?'

Yes, it is.

And he's lovely.

'I'll be right down.'

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Sorry.

Oh, I hope I'm not
keeping you from dinner.

No, no, not at all.

Would you like a tomato?

No, thank you.

Ooh, would you like
a piece of candy?

No, no, no, thanks.

Oh, I forgot
to introduce Mr. DePinna.

Mr. DePinna, Mr. Kirby.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

I read about your father
in the papers the other day.

Didn't he get indicted
or something?

Well, hardly that,
he just testified

before the securities
commission.

- Oh.
- Oh, why yes, of course.

I'm sure there wasn't anything
crooked about it, Mr. DePinna.

As a matter of fact
Alice has often told us

what a lovely man
your father is.

Well, I know.

I know father couldn't
get along without Alice.

She knows more about
the business than any of us.

You're awful young
Mr. Kirby, aren't you?

To be vice-president
of a big place like that.

You know what that means,
vice-president.

All I've got is a desk
with my name on it.

Is that all?
Don't you get a salary?

A little. More than
I'm worth, I'm afraid.

Now, you're being modest.

Uh, sounds kinda dull to me.
Wall Street. Do you like it?

Oh, well,
the hours are short

and I really haven't
been there very long.

Just out of college, huh?

Yes, I-I..

Yes, I knocked around
for a while first.

Just sort of had fun and uh..

Well, now the fun's over.

Well, you've had a very good
start, Mr. Kirby.

Vice-president
and a rich father.

It's not my fault, is it?

[laughing]

Well, I suppose now you're ready
to settle down and get married.

Come, come now, Penny. I'm sure
Mr. Kirby knows his own mind.

All I meant was that
he's bound to get married.

And suppose the wrong girl
gets him.

Well, here I am.

A vision in blue.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Apparently, you've all had time
to get acquainted.

Yes, indeed. We've been having
a delightful conversation

about love and marriage.

Oh, dear.

I'm sorry. Came down
as fast as I could.

No, I didn't mind
in the least.

Damn! Those flies
in the kitchen.

'Damn it!'

Oh, Alice.

You look beautiful.

Where you going?

I'm going out, Rheba.

Oh, steppin', huh?

[bell ringing]

That would be Kolenkhov.

Oh, we better be going, Tony.

It was very nice meeting
you both and mister..

[singing in foreign language]

- Mr. Kolenkhov.
- My little, Rhebishka!

* Coochi-coochi-koo **

I will make of you
a great ballerina.

One of the great ones.

Good evening, everybody.

(in unison)
Good evening, Mr. Kolenkhov.

Bullseye.

Whoa! Whoa.

- Oh.
- My little Alice.

[clucking]

No, Mister..

Never, never have I seen you
look so magnificent.

- Oh.
- Can I kiss your cheeks?

Mr. Kolenkhov,
this is Mr. Kirby.

This is Essie's
dancing teacher, Tony.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

I've practiced today,
Mr. Kolenkhov.

Oh, my..

Will you pardon us,
Mr. Kolenkhov?

We're going to
the Monte Carlo Ballet.

- Oh, Monte Carlo Ballet.
- Yes.

- It stinks.
- 'Ah, yes.'

Well, goodbye, everybody.

(in unison)
Goodbye.

Glad to have met you all.

Yes. Monte Carlo Ballet.

Madame Sycamore,
darling woman.

- Yes, indeed lovely.
- Thank you very much.

Mr. Kirby, I meant.

Oh, him? Of course.

Dinner!

[indistinct chattering]

Penny, I thought you were
getting personal there.

(Penny)
Oh, come on.

- Grandpa.
- How do you like me new hat?

- Oh, magnificent.
- The government gave it to me.

'He looks like a cousin
of mine, Mr. Kirby.'

Oh.

If we have the wedding here

I'll put the alter
right where the snakes are.

You wouldn't mind,
would you, Grandpa?

Not if the snakes don't.

[indistinct chattering]

[tapping glass]

Quite, everybody.

[tapping glass]
Quite please.

Well, sir, we've been
getting along pretty good

for the quite a while now.

We're certainly much obliged.

Remember, all we ask is
to go along to be happy.

Of course, we all want
to keep our health.

But as far as anything else
is concerned..

...we'll leave it to you.

Thank you.

[indistinct chattering]

[indistinct chattering]

[instrumental music]

I could see them dance
every night.

I think they are marvelous,
aren't they?

Oh, they are.

But, of course, walking inside
the theater gives me a thrill.

Hmm.

It's been so lovely tonight.
I hate to have it over.

Oh!

Ah, is it...over?

- Do I have to go?
- No, you don't have to.

No, I don't.

Good. Come have a cold drink.

Wonderful.

I'll go see
what's in the icebox.

You wanna come along?

I'd follow you
to the ends of the earth.

Hmm. Oh, just
the kitchen's enough.

Oh, say yes.
I like it. Mm-hmm.

You do, huh?

Well, Mr. K., good thing
you're not hungry.

An icebox full of cornflakes.

That give you a rough idea
of the Sycamore's.

[chuckles]

- Oh my God!
- My gosh I'm..

Oh, dear.

I'll take mine in the glass,
if you don't mind.

[chuckles]

- Here you are.
- Thank you.

Now, uh..

I'd like to offer a toast.

Oh.

Ms. Sycamore, to you.

Oh, thank you.

Mr. Kirby, to you.

[bang]

What was that?

Oh, it's quite alright, Tony.
It's only father.

Oh, this time of night?

Anytime of night.
Anytime of day.

- Oh, it is very late?
- Yeah. I suppose I ought..

Yep.

[instrumental music]

- I don't wanna go.
- I don't want you to go.

- Okay. I won't.
- Good.

Ahem, when you're gonna
get your vacation?

- Oh, last two weeks in August.
- I might take mine then, too.

- Oh, really?
- What you gonna do?

I don't know.
Haven't thought about it.

You gonna go away,
you think?

No. I might not. I like
the city in the summertime.

Hmm. So do I.

You always go up
to Maine, don't you?

That's right.

But I'm sure I would like
the city in the summer.

Wait, you know what I'm..

You know what I'm trying
to say, Alice, I'd..

I'd love it if you were here.

Well, it'd be nice
if you were here, Tony.

You know what you're saying,
don't you?

What?

Like you'd rather spend
the summer with me

than with anybody else.

[chuckles]

It looks like that, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Well, if it's true
about this summer

h-how would you feel about..

...the winter?

I'd like that too.

Then there's..

...autumn and spring.
That's the whole year.

I haven't forgotten anything,
have I?

No.

[instrumental music]

(Penny)
'Alice!'

Alice, is that you, dear?

Oh, I wonder what time it is.

Oh, Mr. Kirby.

Good evening, Mrs. Sycamore.

Oh, excuse me.

Well, I had no idea.

- I, uh..
- I mean, I mean..

I didn't mean
to interrupt anything.

(Tony)
'That's quite alright,
Mrs. Sycamore.'

I just came down
to get a manuscript.

Then, you can go right ahead.

Oh, here it is.
"Sex Takes A Holiday."

- Well, goodnight, Tony.
- Goodnight, Mrs. Sycamore.

Oh, I think you could
call me Penny.

Don't you, Alice?
Oh, well, at least I hope so.

[laughing]

[both chuckling]

Oh.

[bang]

[sighs]

Hmm.

Do you know that
you're more beautiful

more lovely,
more adorable..

...than anyone else
in the whole world?

Don't, Tony.

Alice, what's the matter?
Alice, I don't understand.

Listen, Tony, this is something

I should have said
a long time ago.

But I didn't have the courage.

I let myself be swept away
because I loved you so.

- Well, then what's wrong?
- Oh, no, Tony. Listen, please.

You're of a whole
different world.

A whole different
kind of people.

I don't mean money or socially.
That's too silly, but..

Your family and mine?
Tony, it wouldn't work..

[door closing]

(Ed)
Alright, have it your way.
She can't dance.

That's why they pay
her all that money

because she doesn't
know to dance.

I do not call it dancing
what she does.

Oh, hello.
How was the ballet?

- Oh, it was fine, Essie.
- It was wonderful.

- Hello, Ed.
- Hello.

Look, what do you people think?

Ed and I went to see
Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

Do you think that
she can dance, Mr. Kirby?

- Uh, yes. I always thought so.
- Well, what does she do anyway?

Now, you are Fred Astaire
and I'm Ginger Rogers.

- Essie.
- Please, Essie.

I just want to use him for
a minute. Now, look, Mr. Kirby.

Essie, we all agree you're
just as good as Ginger Rogers.

- You see, Ed?
- Come on, Essie.

We are buttin' in, alright?

They've been together
all evening.

- Goodnight, Mr. Kirby.
- Goodnight.

- Goodnight, Mrs. Carmichael.
- Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Hey, Essie, did you ask grandpa
about us having a baby?

Oh, yeah.

He said to go right ahead.

Now, you see?

- That's what it would be like.
- I didn't mind that.

Anyhow we're not gonna be
living with your family.

- Just you and me.
- No. It's not.

It's never quite that.

I love them, Tony.
I love them deeply.

I know they do rather
strange things

but they're gay
and they're fun

and I don't know there's sort
of a...nobility about them.

That may sound silly,
but I mean the way they don't

care about things other people
give their whole lives to.

Alice, now you're talking as
though only you could understand

and that's not true.

Every family has got
curious little traits.

What of it? My father raises
orchids at $10,000 a bulb.

- Now, is that sensible? Huh?
- No.

And my mother believes
in spiritualism, now that

that's just as bad as your
mother writing plays, isn't it?

Uh-uh. It goes deeper, Tony.

Your mother believes
in spiritualism

because it's fashionable.

And your father raises orchids
because he can afford to.

My mother writes plays
because eight years ago

a typewriter was delivered here
by mistake.

- What of it?
- Look at grandpa.

Thirty five years ago he just
decided to quit business.

He could have been a rich man.

But he said it took
too much time.

So for 35 years he's just
collected snakes.

And gone to circuses
and concerts.

I love you, Tony

but I love them too.

Some people could break away,
but I couldn't, Tony.

- It's no use. It's just no use.
- Everybody's got a family.

[scoffs]
Not like mine.

They want you to be happy,
don't they?

Of course, they do, but they
can't change who they are.

- I don't want them to change.
- They don't have to change.

They're charming, adorable
people just as they are.

Everything is going to work out.

You're worrying about something
that may never come up.

Oh, Tony, am I?

All that matters right now
is that we love each other.

- Now, that's so, isn't it?
- Mm-mm.

Hmm.

Trust me.

I mean..

...after all..

'...we are engaged,
aren't we?'

What?

Tony.

- Oh, Tony.
- That's what I wanted to see.

I wanted to see a little gaiety
around here.

Oh, Tony.

Ms. Sycamore, would you please
tell me what it was about me

that first took
your girlish heart?

- Ah, the back of your head.
- What?

I just liked it.

What happened
when I turned around?

Oh, I got used that
after a while.

Oh.

We're pretty lucky,
aren't we? Hmm?

I'm the luckiest girl
in the whole world.

Ah, isn't it wonderful that
we work in the same office?

I can dictate to you all day.

Dear, Ms. Sycamore..

...I love you.

Oh, I love you.

- I love--
- Shh.

You.

Mr. DePinna, that was
a good day's work.

That's worth 500
Yellow Devils

300 Willow Trees and 8 dozen
Junior Kiddie Bombers.

That's the best day
we ever had.

Pretty good, I'd say.

Hello, Alice.
Did you just come in?

No, father, I've been home
quite a while.

Did you have a nice evening?

I had a beautiful evening.

Alice, I want you to take
a look at this red fire we made.

Turn off the light, Mr. DePinna.

- I want her to get the effect.
- Sure.

But, father.

Wait till you see
this new red fire.

It's beautiful.

Yeah. What do you think?

Beautiful, isn't it?

Everything's beautiful, father.

It's the most beautiful
red fire in the world.

(female #1)
'"Alright," I said.'

'I looked him right
in the eye when I said it.'

"Alright," I said.
"If you don't like it--"

Ms. Wellington, I'm ready to
read my play to you if you are.

A minute, dearie.
Just a minute.

Oh, there's only one thing

I hope you don't mind my
mentioning it, Ms. Wellington

but you don't drink
when you're acting, do you?

Just asking, of course.

I'm glad you brought it up.

The moment a play opens
I never touch a drop.

The minute I enter
the stage door

the bottle gets put away
until intermission.

Have you been on the stage
a long time, Ms. Wellington?

All of my life.

I've played everything.

Ever see
"Peg O' My Heart?"

Oh, yes.

I saw it too.

'Good show.'

[Ms. Wellington sighs]

My!

It's a hot night, ain't it?

(Donald)
'You want me to open a window,
Ms. Wellington?'

Say, he's cute.

[gasps]

Ah, she's just acting
that's all, Rheba.

Ms. Wellington, I can read
my play to you now.

Alright, dearie. Alright.

(Penny)
'I thought we'd
go up to my room.'

When I see snakes,
it's time to lay down.

Oh, no. Ms. Wellington,
those snakes are real.

- It's just grandpa's hobby.
- Yes, they're grandpa's.

- They only eat flies.
- Follow me. Up to my room.

If Ms. Wellington wants
to spend the night--

Oh, no!
Ms. Wellington, please.

No, no. I hope..

- Ms. Wellington?
- I think she's asleep.

She's out like a light.

Rheba, Ms. Wellington
just passed out.

Good.

Do you think
she's going to be alright?

Yes, but I wouldn't cast
her in the religious play.

Well, I suppose
I'll just have to wait.

Penny, the next time you meet
an actress on top of a bus

I'd send her the play instead
of bringing her home to read it.

Ed, I'd wish you'd
stop that printing

and take the
"Love Dreams" around.

I'm just finishing up.

You've gotta be back
to play for me.

I'm going. I'm going.

Kolenkhov coming tonight?

Yes. Tomorrow night's his night

but I had to change it
on account of Alice.

Big doings tomorrow night, huh?

You know why I'm so nervous?

You'd think he was engaged
to me instead of Alice.

I wonder what they'll be like.
His mother and father.

- Alright. Guess who?
- Don't tell me.

- Cleopatra.
- No. It's Eleanor Roosevelt.

- Maybe it's the chin.
- Ed, please, the "Love Dreams."

The nice thing
about these Erector sets

is you can make so many
different things with them.

Last week it was
the Empire State Building.

- What is it this week?
- It's a Queen Mary.

Oh, that's lovely.

It looks just like it.

Mr. DePinna, could you
look out the door

see if there's
a man standing out?

Why? What for?

Last two days when I've been out
delivering candy

I think this man's following me.

- Ed, you're crazy.
- No. I'm not.

He follows me and he stands
and watches the house.

Really?
I'll take a look and see.

I don't see what anybody would
follow Ed for?

Well, there's
a lot of kidnapping

going on now, grandpa.

Yes, but not of Ed.

Well, did you see?

There's nobody
out there at all.

- Are you sure?
- Positive.

I just saw him walk away.

- You see what I mean?
- It could have been anybody.

Mr. Sycamore, you wanna go down,
finish packing the fireworks?

Yes. We have to take the stuff
up to Mount Vernon.

May I borrow some paper?
I'm making a list for Rheba.

- 'Yes, dear.'
- Where's the stage manager?

What's the matter
with your actress friend?

Oh, is she giving
a performance?

No, dear. She's not acting.
She's really drunk.

Essie, you're gonna give Rheba
the kitchen all day tomorrow.

- She'll need it.
- Of course, Alice.

I'll start some "Love Dreams"
right now so I'll be ahead.

Oh, thanks, dear. Mother, I'll
be home at 3 o'clock tomorrow.

You'll have everything down in
the basement by then, won't you?

The typewriter
and the snakes.

'The xylophone,
the printing press.'

- And Ms. Wellington.
- And Ms. Wellington.

That'll give me time to arrange
the table and fix the flowers.

The Kirby's are certainly
gonna get

the wrong impression
of this house.

- You'll do that, won't you?
- Yes, dear.

Alice, I wouldn't worry so much.

From what I've seen

I'm sure the Kirbys
are very nice people.

And if it isn't so elaborate
tomorrow, it's alright too.

Darling, I'm not trying
to impress them

or pretend more than
anything we're not. I..

- I just want it to go well.
- No reason why it shouldn't.

Alice, we're all
going to do everything

we can to make it
a nice party.

Oh, my darlings.
I love you so much.

You know you're the most
wonderful family in the world.

And I'm the happiest girl
in the world. I'm-I'm..

I didn't know anybody
could be so happy.

He's so wonderful, mother.

Just seeing him, you don't know
what it does to me.

Just seeing him, huh?

For lunch, dinner,
to 4 o'clock in the morning.

At 9 o'clock in the morning
you're at the office.

There he is.
Just seeing him, huh?

I don't care.
I'm in love.

Rheba? Rheba?

Nice seeing her
so happy, isn't it?

Yes.

I remember when I was engaged
to Paul how happy I was.

And you know something, grandpa?

I still feel the same way.

I know. I know.

That's the way Ed and Essie
get along too, isn't it?

And Donald and Rheba.

Grandpa, do you think
Mr. DePinna

will ever marry anyone?

Well, there's Ms. Wellington.

Oh, you.

Mrs. Sycamore,
look what I found. Remember?

[gasping]
Why, of course. I remember.

It's my painting of you
as the discus thrower.

- Look, grandpa.
- I remember.

Say, you've gone bald,
haven't you, Mr. DePinna?

Is it very noticeable?

Well, there's still
a little left up there.

Well, that was a long time ago.

Just before I stopped painting.
Let me see eight years.

Too bad you never finished it,
Mrs. Sycamore.

I always intended to,
Mr. DePinna

but I just started writing a
play one day and that was that.

I never painted again.

Just as well.
I was gonna have to strip next.

My goodness,
who would have thought

the day I came
to deliver the ice

that I was gonna
stay here for eight years?

Nobody.

The milkman was here for five.
Just before you.

- Say, why did he leave anyhow?
- He didn't leave. He died.

- Oh.
- He was a nice man.

Remember the funeral, grandpa?

We never knew his name

and we hard a hard time
getting the certificate.

What was the name
we finally made up?

Martin Vanderhof.
We gave him your name.

- Oh, yes. I remember now.
- And it was a lovely idea.

Otherwise he would never have
got all those flowers.

Certainly was.
Didn't hurt me.

Not bothered with mail anymore.

Haven't made a phone call
from that day to this.

I wish you'd finish it sometime.
I kinda like to have it.

You know something, Mr. DePinna

I'm gonna do some work on it
right tonight.

Say, will ya?

[doorbell ringing]
Yes.

You go down in the cellar
and put on your costume.

Oh, and bring up the easel.

- Is it still there?
- I think so.

Where did I put
my palette and my brushes?

Oh!

Rhebishka.

My little Rhebishka.

Whoo!

Good evening, Mr. Kolenkhov.
Essie's in the kitchen.

Madame Sycamore,
I salute you.

Bull's eye.

[humming]

[laughing]

Tell me, grandpa, what am I
going to do about Rhebishka?

I keep telling her she would
make a great toe dancer.

But she laughs only.

Oh, Mr. Kolenkhov,
I can't get up on my toes.

Not with my corns.

[laughs]

Rhebishka, darling.

Oh, she could wear diamonds,
this woman.

She's a great woman, grandpa.

- What's that?
- A picture of Mr. DePinna.

- Penny painted it.
- It stinks.

- I know. How do you like that?
- What's that?

She's a actress friend
of Penny's.

- I can't find my wig.
- She's drunk, no?

She's drunk, yes.
How are you, Kolenkhov?

Magnificent.

Life is chasing around
inside of me like a squirrel.

- It is, huh?
- It is.

I'm sorry I'm late,
Mr. Kolenkhov.

I'll get into my dance things
right away.

Tonight you will really
work, my pavlova.

Tonight we will take
something new.

Is she making
any progress, Kolenkhov?

Confidentially she stinks.

Ah, as long as
she's having fun.

You sure do tickle Rheba,
Mr. Kolenkhov.

She's out there
laughing her head off.

- Donald, she's a great woman.
- Yeah.

Kolenkhov, look at this.

Government gotta stop
sending me letters.

The United States
Marshall's Office wants me down

at the office there
at 10 o'clock Tuesday morning.

Uh-oh.

The income tax,
they have got you, grandpa.

Yeah. I'm supposed to send
them a lot of money

to keep on Donald on relief.

Is that right, grandpa?
You gonna pay it from now on?

That's what they want.

I can come right here and get it
instead of standing in line?

No, you're gonna have to waste
a full half hour

of your time every week.

I don't like it.
Breaks up my week.

He should have been in Russia
during the revolution.

When that came, then he would
have stood in line, huh?

The bread line. Woo!

[sighs]
Ah, grandpa.
What they have done to Russia.

Just think,
The Grand Duchess, Olga Katrina

she's a cousin of the Czar.

She is now a waitress
in Child's Restaurant.

I ordered baked beans from her
only yesterday.

It broke my heart.

It's a crazy world, grandpa.

Oh, the world's not so crazy,
Kolenkhov.

The people in it.

Life is pretty simple
if you just relax.

How can you relax
in times like these?

If people would relax, there
wouldn't be times like these.

That's just my point.

Life is kind of beautiful
if you just let it come to you.

But people forget that.
I know I did.

I was right in the thick
of it. Fighting, scratching

clawing, regular jungle.

And one day,
it kinda struck me.

I wasn't having any fun.

So you did what?

Just relaxed.

35 years ago, that was.

I've been a happy man
ever since.

Good evening, Mr. Kolenkhov.

Ah!

My little Alice.

I have not seen you
to present my congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

May you be very happy
and have many children.

That is my prayer for you.

Oh, that's quite a thought.
Thank you.

Oh, oh!

[Alice humming]

Love! Love is all that is left
in the world, grandpa.

There's plenty of that.

And soon, Stalin will take
that away, too.

It seems so good to get
into my art things again.

They still look alright,
don't they, grandpa?

- Hmm.
- Yes, indeed!

You are a breath of Paris,
Madame Sycamore.

Oh, thank you,
Mr. Kolenkhov.

I can't stand it!

It happened again.

There was a fellow following me
everywhere I went.

Nonsense. That is just
your imagination.

No, it happens every time
I've got to deliver the candy.

Maybe he wants
a piece of candy.

[laughing]

That's fine for you to laugh,
but he's following me.

You do not know
what following is.

In Russia,
everyone is following.

I was followed
right out of Russia.

Mrs. Sycamore.

Where do you want this?

Well, just put the box
right there

and the easel over there.

Ed, for tonight's lesson

we use the first movement.

Alright, we have Don
on the flute.

Mr. DePenna..

...has something happened
to your figure

in these eight years?

No, I don't think
it's any..

...different.

I'm sorry, Mr. Kolenkhov,
I couldn't find my slippers.

We have a hot night
for it, my pavlova

but remember
art is only achieved

through perspiration,
darling.

Only made two
bulls-eyes last night.

Gotta do
better than that.

[instrumental music]

Oh, grandpa!

Are you ready? We'll begin.

Now, pirouette, pirouette.

Come now, pirouette, darling.
It's been eight years now.

Eight years, pirouette.

At last, entre, entre..

No, grandpa, you cannot relax
with Stalin in Russia.

The Czar relaxed
and what happened to him?

He was too late.

If the Czar
had not relaxed--

Mr. Kolenkhov..

The grand duchess
Olga Katrina

would not be selling
baked beans today.

Mr. Kolenkhov..

I'm sorry, darling.
We go back to the pirouette.

[bell ringing]

Could you pull
your stomach in, Mr. DePinna?

Free with the hands.

Remember the whole body
must work, sweetheart.

The whole body, uh?

And the music
must also be free..

'Rheba, Rheba..'

(Kolenkhov)
'Okay, Donald, fortissimo
on the floor.'

Good evening.

[Kolenkhov humming]

[indistinct chattering]

Ms. Sycamore?

(Rheba)
'Ms. Sycamore.'

Good evening.

Grandpa?

[Ms. Sycamore whistling]
Good evening.

How do you do?

How do you do?

- Are we too early?
- No, no, no.

Come right in.
We're glad to see ya.

Oh, yes.

But we thought
it was tomorrow night.

- Tomorrow night?
- Tomorrow?

It's perfectly alright.
Make yourselves at home.

Tony, how could you--

I thought it was tonight.

Really, Tony.
This is most embarrassing.

Please, don't let it
bother you.

- We weren't doing a thing.
- Just a quiet evening at home.

Oh, this is Alice's mother,
Mrs. Sycamore.

(Grandpa)
'Mr. Kolenkhov.'

'Alice's sister,
Mrs. Carmichael'

- Mr. Carmichael.
- 'Hello.'

And Mr. De Penna.

Don't mind my costume.
I'll take it right off.

Mr. De Penna, tell
Mr. Sycamore to come right up.

The Kirby's are here.
Tell him to put his pants on.

Alright. Excuse me.

Oh, Alice!
Alice, dear!

Would you come down
for a moment, dear?

We have a surprise for you.

Can I take your wrap?

- Oh, thank you.
- Ed?

Do be seated, Mrs. Kirby.

Well, thank you.

If you're absolutely sure
that we're not interrupting.

Oh!

[screaming]

(Grandpa)
'That's alright, Mrs. Kirby.'

[indistinct chattering]

I hate snakes.

'Ed, put the snakes
in the kitchen.'

We're so used to having them
around the house.

I'm sorry to trouble you,
but snakes happen to be..

...duh..

It's okay. It's okay.

(Ed)
'Don't be scared.'

I feel very uncomfortable
about this, Tony.

How could you do this?

Oh, Mr. Kirby,
anybody can get mixed up.

Penny, how about
some dinner for these folks.

They did come to dinner.

Oh, please don't bother.
We're really not hungry at all.

No bother. Ed, Ed?

Would you tell Donald
to go down to the A and P

and get six bottles
of beer and let's see

and some canned salmon.

Do you like
canned salmon, Mr. Kirby?

Uh, please don't trouble,
Mrs. Sycamore.

I have a little
indigestion anyway.

I'm sorry.

What about you, Mrs. Kirby?
Do you like canned salmon?

Uh! Oh, I'm, uh..

...very fond of it.

Oh, you can have
frankfurters, if you'd rather.

Either one will do.

We'll have frankfurters.

and some canned corn
and Campbell's soup.

- Got that?
- Yes.

- Tell him to hurry.
- Right.

The A and P
is at the corner

and frankfurters don't
take any time to boil.

(Grandpa)
'This is Alice's father,
Mr. Sycamore.'

- Mr. and Mrs. Kirby.
- How do you do?

Forgive my appearance.

Excuse me.

'This is Mr. Sycamore's
busiest time of the year.'

[gasping]

Darling, I'm the most
dull-witted person in the world.

I thought it was tonight.
Ha ha!

Why, Tony,
how could you..

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, I thought..

- Alice.
- Did you, uh..

I'm not very, uh..

- Have you all met each other?
- Yes, indeed.

How do you do, Alice?

How do you do, Mrs. Kirby?

I'm afraid
I'm not very presentable.

Oh, no, you look lovely.

Well, of course she does.
Don't let this bother you.

We've only met each other
one night sooner, that's all.

Of course.

I was planning such
a nice party tomorrow night.

Well, we'll all
come again tomorrow night.

[laughing]

(Tony)
'There you are.'

Am I forgiven?

Well, I guess so. Huh.

Well, I guess
we better see about

getting these people
some dinner.

Excuse me. Excuse, excuse..

[door slams]

That's all
been attended to.

Mother, what did you
send out for?

Because Mr. Kirby
suffers from indigestion.

He can only eat
certain things.

No, no. It's not
as serious as all that.

Perhaps it's not indigestion
at all, Mr. Kirby.

Perhaps you have
stomach ulcers.

Don't be absurd,
Mr. Kolenkhov.

You mustn't mind
Kolenkhov, Mr. Kirby.

He's a Russian.

Russians are inclined
to look at the dark side.

Alright, I'm a Russian.

But a friend of mine, a Russian,
died from stomach ulcers.

Really?

Please, Mr. Kolenkhov, Mr. Kirby
has indigestion, that's all.

Alright, let him wait.

Do sit down, Mr. Kirby.
Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

Uh!

Sorry.

Tell me, Mr. Kirby, how do
you find business conditions?

You think we're pretty well
out of the depression?

Yes, I think so.

Of course, it all depends.

(Grandpa)
'But you do figure,
things are still improving.'

(Mr. Kirby)
'Broadly speaking, yes.'

'In fact, industries is now
operating at 62 percent

at full capacity,
compared to 84 percent--

There was..

There was a young lady
from Wheeling.

Who had..

Hey!

Hi, kitty.

[indistinct]

She..

That probably seemed strange
to you people but, uh..

...she's really not quite
accountable for her actions.

A friend of Mrs. Sycamore's.

She came for dinner and she
was overcome by the heat.

Yes. Some people feel it
more than the other.

Maybe I better go upstairs
and see if she's alright.

Excuse me.

Oh, yes, it's awfully hot,
isn't it?

Yes.

You usually escape all this hot
weather, don't you, Mrs. Kirby

Up in Maine?

Yes, as a rule.

I had to come down this week,
however, for the flower show.

Mother wouldn't
miss that for the world.

That blue ribbon is her
high spot for the year.

I won a ribbon
at a Flower Show once.

For raising onions.
Remember, Alice?

That was
a Garden Show, Essie.

Oh, yes.

I think she'll be alright now.

Oh, please sit down.

Has Donald come back yet?

No, he hasn't.

What is this?

I didn't realize there were
little children in the house.

No, that's mine.

Really?

Well, I guess,
every man has his hobby.

Or do you use it
as a model of some kind?

No, I just play with it.

You'd be better off if you
had a hobby like that

instead of raising orchids.

Oh, do tell us about
your orchids, Mr. Kirby.

Do you know
they take six years

before they blossom,
don't they? Think of that.

Some take even
longer than that.

I have one coming along now
that I've waited 10 years for.

- I remember one--
- Oh, here we are.

Did you get
everything, Donald?

Yes, ma'am.

They didn't
have frankfurters so

I got pickled pigs feet.

Never mind. Just take everything
right into the kitchen.

Oh, please do tell everyone
about your orchids, Mr. Kirby.

I know they'd
love to hear it.

And, uh, excuse me.

It won't take a minute.

You must be starved.

Eh! Oh!

No, thank you.

That must be quite an expensive
hobby, is it, Mr. Kirby?

Raising orchids.

Yes, it is.

Then I need something
to relieve the daily strain.

After a week in Wall Street
I'd go crazy

if I didn't have something.

Lot of men I know have
yachts for that very reason.

Well, why don't they
give up Wall Street?

How's that?

Oh, I was, I was just joking.

Well, I think it's necessary
for everyone to have a hobby.

Of course it's more
to me than a hobby.

But my great solace
is spiritualism.

Mrs. Kirby, everybody
knows that's a fake.

(Paul)
'Now, now, Penny.'

Remember you've got
a few hobbies of your own.

Yes, but they're
not silly ones.

I, I really don't think
it matters what the hobby is.

I think the important thing
is to have one.

Ah, but to be ideal..

...a hobby should
improve the body

as well as the mind.

The Romans
were a great people.

Why?

(Kolenkhov)
'Why?'

What was their hobby?

Rassling. In rassling, you have
to think quick with the mind.

Act quick with the body, ah.

I'm afraid, wrestling isn't
practical for most of us.

I wouldn't make
a good showing as a wrestler.

[indistinct]

You could be
a great rassler.

You have the body for it.

Here, look
at this body, grandpa.

Is this the body
of a rassler? Yes or not?

Watch this, Mr. Kirby.

[grunting]

[Mrs. Kirby screaming]

[indistinct chattering]

Kirby, are you hurt?

- Oh!
- Fantastic!

His glasses,
his glasses.

Thank you.

They're broken.

Whoa, whoa!
I'm sorry, Mr. Kirby.

But when you rassle again

you will of course
not wear your glasses.

I do not intend
to wrestle again--

Don't be silly!

How could
you do such a thing?

Why didn't somebody stop him?

If you don't mind,
we better be going.

- Mother.
- Mrs. Kirby, please don't go.

Mr. Kirby, please don't go.

I've ordered some
nice scrambled eggs and a salad.

- Please don't go.
- Alice, Alice, it's alright.

We're not going.

Now, father you sit down.

[Mr. Kirby grunting]

After you, Alice.

Well, that was exciting
for a minute, wasn't it?

[whispering]
I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Kirby.

What did I do
that was so terrible?

I threw him on the floor.
What, it killed him?

Alice! Alice!

- Ms. Alice.
- Excuse me.

What is it, Rheba?

Child, the eggs
got felled on the sink.

Make some more, Rheba.

- I got no more.
- Then send Donald out for some.

- Okay.
- Quick, and be quick.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

There'll be a little delay

but everything will
be ready in just a moment.

Whoosh!

[laughing]

Oh, I know!

While we're waiting,
why don't we all play a game?

I know a wonderful trick
with a glass of water.

'Mr. Kolenkhov.'

Mr. and Mrs. Kirby
will love this game.

It's perfectly harmless.

(Alice)
'What is it, mother?'

I'm afraid, I'm not very good
at games, Mrs. Sycamore.

But any fool can play
this game, Mr. Kirby.

All you do is write
your name on a piece of paper.

There now, you write your name
on that piece of paper.

You'll love it. Now, Tony,
would you pass these around?

Here you are, grandpa.

Now you do
the same, Mrs. Kirby.

Mother, what is this game?

We used to play it in school.
It's called, um..

Hmm, forget me not.

Now, then, I'm going to call out
five different words.

Just anything at all.

And as soon as
I say each word

you write down the first thing
that comes into your mind.

Is that clear?

For instance,
I might say "grass"

and you might
put down "green."

(Penny)
'Just whatever
you're thinking. See.'

Or I might say,
uh, "table"

and you might
put down "chair."

You see?

It shows peoples reactions
to different things

You see how simple
it is, Mr. Kirby?

Then are we all ready?

(all)
'Ready!'

Now, remember,
you must play fair.

Must put down the first thing
that comes into your mind.

I understand.

Alright. Now then,
are we ready?

(all)
Ready.

The first word is, "potatoes."

(Penny)
'Po-ta-toes!'

(Penny)
'Ready for the next one?'

- Bathroom.
- Mother.

Bathroom.

- Got that?
- Yeah.

Alright, the next word is..

...lust.

Mother, I don't think--

Now, Alice, that word
is perfectly alright.

Mother, it's not alright.

I don't know. I think
that's a perfectly fair word.

There, you see? You mustn't
interrupt the game, Alice.

Excuse me. What was the last
word, Mrs. Sycamore?

"Lust," Mr. Kirby.

I've got it.

Quite a game, isn't it?

(Penny)
'Grandpa. Ha ha!'

Now, all ready?

- 'Ready.'
- 'Let's have it.'

Honeymoon.
Ha ha ha!

Oh, excuse me.

(Penny)
'Alright.'

Um, the last word is "sex."

- Mother.
- Everybody got "sex?"

- Alright.
- Yeah.

(Penny)
'Alright, give me
all your papers.'

(Penny)
'Thank you, grandpa.'

There we are.

Thank you, dear.
Mr. Kirby, give me your paper.

Well, what happens now?

This is the best part.

I read out your reactions.

I see.

Very interesting game.

I knew you'd like it.

I'll read your
paper first, Mr. Kirby.

I'm gonna read
Mr. Kirby's paper first.

(Penny)
'Listen, everybody,
this is Mr. Kirby.'

Potatoes, steak.

That's very good,
Mr. Kirby.

You see how well
that goes together?

(Penny)
'Steak and potatoes.'

I just happened
to think of it.

"Bathroom, toothpaste."

(Penny)
'Well, hmm.'

"Lust, unlawful."

Hmm, isn't that nice?

"Honeymoon, trip." Yes.

"Sex, male."

Oh, yes, of course.

You are.
Oh, Mr. Kirby.

That's really
a wonderful paper.

Thank you. You know,
this is more than just a game.

It's sort of a, an experiment
in psychology, isn't it?

Yes, it is

Shows you just
how your mind works.

Now, we'll see
how Mrs. Kirby's mind works.

(Penny)
'This is Mrs. Kirby's,
everybody.'

"Potatoes, starch."

Oh! I know just
what you mean, Mrs. Kirby.

"Bathroom, Mr. Kirby."

How's that?

"Bathroom, Mr. Kirby."

I don't quite
follow that, dear.

Well, I don't know.

Well, I just thought of you
in connection with it.

Well, after all you are
in there a good deal, Anthony.

Bathing and shaving and..

Well, you do
take a long time.

Indeed. I didn't realize
I was being selfish.

Please go on, Mrs. Sycamore.

I think this is a silly game,
we oughta stop.

- Yes, I think so too.
- No, no don't. Please, go on.

Alright, now, let's see.

"Lust, human."

Really, Miriam?

Well, all I meant,
Anthony was that lust

is after all a human emotion.

I disagree, Miriam.
Lust is not a human emotion.

It's depraved.

Very well, Anthony,
I'm wrong.

I think this is the most
pointless game. We oughta stop.

- Yes.
- No, no, no, no. Please.

Go on, I find this
a rather interesting game.

(Anthony)
'Uh, what was
the next word, Mrs. Sycamore?'

"Honeymoon."

Yes, and, uh,
what was Mrs. Kirby's answer?

[Kolenkhov chuckling]

"Honeymoon...dull".

[chuckling continues]

Did you say "dull?"

Well, what I meant,
Anthony, was that, uh..

...hot springs was
not very gay that season.

All those old people sitting
on the porch all afternoon

and nothing to do at night.

Father, this is only a game.

And a very illuminating game.

Please go on,
Mrs. Sycamore.

This one
is alright, Mr. Kirby.

"Sex, Wall Street."

Wall Street? What did you
mean by that, Miriam?

I don't know what I meant
by that, Anthony. Nothing!

Must've meant something
or you wouldn't put it down.

It was the first thing
that came into my head.

But what did you mean, Marie?
"Sex, Wall Street."

I don't know
what it means, Anthony.

It's just that you're always
talking about Wall Street.

Even when..

I don't know what I meant.
Would you mind if we leave?

This game's giving me
a headache.

I understand, Mrs. Kirby.

Perhaps we'd better postpone
the dinner, if you don't mind.

But you're coming tomorrow
night, aren't you?

I'm afraid,
we've an engagement--

We'd better postpone
the whole affair for a while.

I think we're
being very ungracious.

No, of course
we will stay tonight.

- Tony, everyone understands.
- Mother.

I don't, father.
We oughta stay.

No, Tony.

We were fools to think
it would work. It won't.

Mr. Kirby, I won't be
at the office tomorrow.

I won't be there
anymore at all.

- 'Alice.'
- Miriam.

(Tony)
'Alice what're you
talking about?'

Very nice
to have met all.

- Night.
- Yes, lovely.

(all)
Goodnight.

Tony, are you coming?

No. Father, I'm not.

I see. Your mother and I'll wait
for you at home. Goodnight.

Alright, stay right where you
are everybody. Don't move.

Which one is it?

Hey! What are you doing?

[indistinct chattering]

What's your name?

Carmichael.
I've not done anything.

This seems high-handed to me.
What's it all about?

Department of Justice.

My goodness, J-men!

- What've you done?
- Haven't done anything.

- Where's the cellar?
- Right through there.

Mac, check the cellar.
Jim, get a look upstairs.

- What've you done?
- I've not done anything.

- Yeah. Ever see these before?
- Yes.

Those are
just my circulars.

- You print this stuff, huh?
- Yes, sir.

Put it into candy boxes
to get it into peoples homes.

- Love dreams.
- I don't mean anything.

You don't, huh? Dynamite the
capital.

Dynamite the White House.
Dynamite the Supreme Court

- God look at state.
- I didn't mean it. Ask grandpa.

Officer,
printing it this--

Hold it!
What've you got there?

- Eggs.
- Officer.

The government's
in no danger from Ed.

Printing's his hobby.
He'll print anything.

He will, uh?

[indistinct chattering]

Will you let me
get my pipe?

Shut up, you.
We were right.

They've enough powder
to blow up the whole city.

You better let me
get my pipe. He made me--

[indistinct chattering]

Everybody in this house
is under arrest.

[indistinct chattering]

[indistinct singing]

Who's that?

Uh, that's my mother.

[fireworks bursting]

[indistinct chattering]

[intense music]

[dramatic music]

[indistinct chattering]

[music continues]

Argh!

[fireworks bursting]

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

"They appeared in the
Westside Court this morning

"after spending
the night in jail.

"The defendants, 13 in all were
brought before Judge Callahan

"and given suspended sentences
for manufacturing fireworks

without a permit."

Hmm-mm.

I was in a cell with Mr. Kirby.
Wow! Was he mad.

Yeah, well,
I reckon, he was.

I suppose after all this Tony
never gonna marry Alice.

No, sir.

And is too bad too.

'Cause Alice sure
loves that boy.

I don't know what
to do with all this food.

Ain't gonna be
no party tonight.

I'll eat it.

Well, they ain't.
They're all broke over Alice.

What she wanna go away
for anyway? Where she going?

I don't know.
To a mountain some place.

Too bad, eh?

Sure is.

Not even
a balloon left, look.

- Oh!
- Oh, that's too bad.

How's your hand,
Mr. DePinna? Better?

Yes, it's better.
Where's the olive oil, Rheba?

It's over
in the salad bowl.

Well, hmm. She's going.

Nothing anybody said
could change her.

Oh, she ain't
gonna be gone long.

Is she, Mrs. Sycamore?

I don't know, Rheba.
She won't say.

It sure is gonna be lonesome
around here without Alice.

How do you feel, Mrs. Sycamore?

Well, I'm alright, Donald.
Just a little upset.

Maybe if I do some work
I'll feel better.

Yeah, why don't you
do that?

[piano music]

- She's going, Penny.
- Yes, I know.

Oh, no, no. Penny.

I can't help it, Paul.

Somehow I feel
it's all my fault.

No, it's more of my fault
than it is yours.

All these years I've been just
going along enjoying myself.

Maybe I should've
been thinking more about Alice.

Oh, you mustn't
talk that way, Paul.

You've been a wonderful father,
and husband, too.

No, I haven't.

Maybe if I had..

been I don't know,
an architect.

Something Alice
could have been proud of.

You know I felt that all
last night looking at Mr. Kirby.

But we've been so happy.

Maybe that's not enough.

I used to think it was.

I'm kinda mixed up now.

What time is she going?

Train leaves
at half past seven.

If only she'd see Tony
I know he could persuade her.

She won't.
He tried all day.

He's walking around
the block again.

I feel so sorry for him, too.

Well, grandpa?

Penny, Penny,
let the girl alone.

But, grandpa..

Suppose she does
go the Adirondacks..

...she'll be back.

You can take just
so much of the Adirondacks

and then you come home.

Grandpa, it's all so terrible.

In a way.

Has its bright side too.

What do you mean?

Well, Mr. Kirby getting into
the patrol wagon for one thing

and the expression on his face
when he had to bunk with Donald.

I'll never forget that
if I live to be a 100.

I warn you people
I fully intend to

if I can have things
like that going on.

It was even worse
with Mrs. Kirby

when the matron
stripped her.

There was a burlesque dancer
there and she kept singing

strip songs while
Mrs. Kirby undressed.

[laughing]

I bet you Bar Harbor
will seem pretty dull

to the Kirby's this summer.

I'll bring the big bag
down when you want.

Thanks.

- Need any help, dear?
- Oh, no thanks, grandpa.

I'm just gonna
press these.

Would you like to take some
candy along for the train?

No, thanks, Essie.

Alice, you could be
alone here just as much as

you could be
in the mountains.

You could just stay
in your room all the time.

Oh, no, thanks, mother.

I-I just want to be
by myself away from everybody.

I love you all,
you know that.

I just, I just have
to go away for a while.

I'll be alright.

Father, did you
phone for a cab?

No. I didn't know
you wanted one.

Oh, I told Mr. DePinna
to tell you, didn't he tell you?

Well, he told me
and then I forgot.

Oh, I wish I lived
in a family where everybody

didn't always
forget everything.

That behaved the way
other people's families do.

Why can't we be
like other people?

Roast beef, and two green
vegetables on the table

and a doily, and a place
to bring your friends home..

Alice! Alice, would you
please listen to me?

'Alice?'

'Alice! You're not being..'

[screaming]

Alice, you're not being fair!

Alice!

At least let me
talk to you. Alice!

'Alice!'

How are you feeling,
Mr. DePinna? Any better?

Well, it was.

Everything burned up,
huh, downstairs?

Everything.
And my Roman costume too.

I told you there was
a bright side to everything.

Except my 22-years'
back income tax.

I get another
letter every day.

What are you gonna do
about that anyhow, grandpa?

Well, I had kind
of an idea yesterday.

Don't know if it'll
work but I'm gonna try it.

Good evening, everybody.

Forgive me.
The door was open. So I just..

I don't think I can take
a lesson today, Mr. Kolenkhov.

I just don't feel up to it.

I'm sorry.

Oh, but do stay
to dinner, Mr. Kolenkhov.

There's all that food out there.
Somebody has to eat it.

I will be happy
to Madam Sycamore!

- Here you are.
- Oh, thank you.

Now, I wonder whether
if I know you well enough

to ask of you
a great favor.

Why, of course,
Mr. Kolenkhov.

Yes. Well, you've heard me
talk about my friend.

The Grand Duchess Olga Katrina.

Yes.

She's a great woman,
the Grand Duchess.

Her cousin was the Czar
of Russia, and today this woman

is a waitress in Childs'
Restaurant, Times Square.

Look, I tell you,
Madam Sycamore, this woman

has not a had a good meal
since before the revolution.

She must be very hungry.

Yes.

Yes, and today the Grand Duchess
not only has her day off

Thursday but it is
also the anniversary

of Peter the Great.
A remarkable man!

Oh, if you mean you want
the Grand Duchess

to come to dinner
we'd be honored.

Oh, yes!

Oh, in the name of
the Grand Duchess, I thank you.

Well, I can't wait to meet her.
Where is she now?

She's outside in the street
waiting. I bring her in.

I tell ya, if things
like this keep going on

I want to live
to be a 150.

The Grand Duchess Olga Katrina.

* Row row row row **

Your Highness,
permit me to introduce.

Madam Sycamore.

Ooh.

Mr. Sycamore.

Madam Carmichael.

Mr. Carmichael.

(Kolenkhov)
'Grandpa.'

And Mr. DePinna.

Ooh.

Oh, Your Royal Highness,
we are honored to receive you.

I'm most happy to be here.

How soon is dinner?

[instrumental music]

Dinner will be quite soon,
Your Highness. Very soon.

I do not mean to be rude

but I must be back
at the restaurant by 8 o'clock.

I'm substituting
for another waitress.

- Well, won't you sit down?
- Thank you. You're most kind.

I will make sure that
you're on time, Your Highness.

Thank you, Kolenkhov.

Please be seated.

You know, Highness, I think you
waited on me in Childs' once.

The 72nd Street place?

No, no.

That was my sister.

The Grand Duchess Natasha.

I work in Times Square.

Oh!

Quite a lot of your folks living
over here now, aren't they?

Oh, yes. Many.

My uncle, Grand Duke Sergei,
he is an elevator man at Macy's.

A very nice man.

Then, there is my cousin,
Prince Alexis.

He will not speak
to the rest of us

because he works
at Hattie Carnegie.

He is in ladies' underwear.

When he was selling
hot dogs at Coney Island

then he was willing
to talk to you.

Kolenkhov, our time is coming.

My sister, Natasha is studying
to be a manicurist.

Uncle Sergei they have
promised to make floorwalker.

And next month I am
to be transferred

to the Fifth Avenue Childs'.

From there it is
only a step to Schraffts'.

Then we will see
what Prince Alexis says.

I think you've got him.

You are telling me?

[laughing]

Oh! Oh, Your Highness,
did you really know the czar?

Personally, I mean.

Of course. He was my cousin.
It was terrible what happened.

But perhaps it was for the best.

Where could he get a job now?

Tell me, Grand Duchess,
is it true

what they say
about Rasputin?

Everyone wants
to know about Rasputin.

Yes, my dear sir.

It is true...and how.

You don't say.

Madam Sycamore,
we have to watch the time.

Oh, yes. I must not be late.

The manager does not like me.
He is a communist.

Well, we'll hurry things along.

Essie, why don't you
go out in the kitchen

and see if you
can help Rheba?

I will help too.
I am a very good cook.

But, Your Highness,
not on your day off!

I do not mind.

- Where is your kitchen?
- Right through there.

But you're the guest of honor,
Your Highness.

But I love to cook.
Come, Kolenkhov.

If they have got
sour cream and pot cheese

I will make you some blintzes!

Oh, blintzes!
Blintzes!

Now we show you
something pavlova.

Say, the Duchess is alright.
Maybe I can help her.

She's got a great face
for a mask, don't you think?

She's really
a very nice woman!

Considering that
she's a Grand Duchess.

Wonderful, isn't it?

What some people go through
and still keep kinda gay too.

(Tony)
'No, Alice.'

She made me forget
everything for a minute.

Ed, will you please go up
and bring my other bag down?

Don't you do it.

Ed, please.

Alright, Ed.
Alright go. Bring it down.

Do you know that you've
got the stubbornest daughter

in all 48 states?

[doorbell dings]

Oh, that must be the cab.

If it is, it's certainly
a wonderful service.

Alice, is Tony here?

Yes. Yes, he is.
Come in, Mr. Kirby.

Thank you.

Good evening.

- Good evening.
- How do you do?

Forgive the intrusion. Tony,
I want you to come home with me.

Your mother is very upset.

Alright, father.

Goodbye, Alice.

Goodbye, Tony.

I need hardly say
that this is as painful

for Mrs. Kirby and me
as it is for you people.

I'm sorry,
but I'm sure you understand.

Uh, yes,
and...in a way, no.

I'm not the kinda that tries
to run other people's lives.

The face is, I don't think
these two young people

have as much sense
as we have.

Grandpa, would you
please not do this?

Please, Alice.

I'm talking to Mr. Kirby.

A cat can look
at a king, can't he?

I'll call the cab.

Alice, do you want me
to do that for you, dear?

Now, Mr. Kirby,
I suppose after last night

you think this family
is kinda crazy, don't ya?

No, I wouldn't say that.

I'm not accustomed
to going out to dinner

and spending
the night in jail.

Well, you must remember,
Mr. Kirby

that, uh, you came
on the wrong night.

Now, tonight, I'll bet ya,
nothing will happen at all.

Maybe.

Mr. Vanderhof, it was not merely
last night that convinced

Mrs. Kirby and me this
engagement would be unwise.

Father, I can handle
my own affairs.

Alice, for the last time..

...will you marry me?

No, Tony.

I know exactly what your
father means and he's right.

No, he's not, Alice!

You're in love with him,
and you're not marrying him

because we're the kind
of people we are.

Grandpa.

I know. I know.

You think the two families
wouldn't get along.

Well, maybe they wouldn't.

But who's to say
they're right and we're wrong?

Grandpa, I didn't say that
we were wrong. I only feel--

What I feel is that Tony's
too nice a boy to wake up

twenty years from now
with nothing in his life

but stocks and bonds.

How's that?

Yes. Mixed up and unhappy,
the way you are.

I beg your pardon,
Mr. Vanderhof.

I'm a very happy man.

- Are you?
- Certainly, I am.

I don't think so.

Where do you get your
indigestion from? Happiness?

(Martin)
'No, sir.'

You get it because
all your time is spent

doing the things
you don't wanna do.

I don't do anything
I don't want to do.

Yes, you do, you said
last night that by the end

of the week in Wall Street
you're pretty near crazy.

- Why do you keep on doing it?
- Why do I..

That's my business. A man
can't give up his business.

Oh, why not?

You've got all
the money you need.

You can't take it with you.

That's a very easy thing
to say, Mr. Vanderhof.

But I have spent my entire life
building up my business.

What's it got you?

Same kind of mail every morning.

Same kind of deals,
same kind of meetings.

Same dinners at night,
same indigestion.

Where does the fun come in?

Don't you think there ought to
be something more, Mr. Kirby?

'You must've wanted more
than that when you started out.'

We haven't got
too much time, you know.

Any of us.

Well, what do you suggest I do?
Live the way you do? Do nothing?

Well, I have a lot of fun.
Time enough for everything.

Talk, walk, visit the zoo now
and then, practice my darts.

I even have time to notice
when spring time comes around.

'I don't see anybody
I don't want to.'

'I don't have six hours of
things I have to do every day

'before I get one hour
to do what I like in.'

And I haven't taken
bicarbonate of soda in 35 years.

What's the matter with that?

What's the matter with it?

Suppose everyone did that,
a fine world we'd have.

Everyone running off to zoos.

Don't be ridiculous,
Mr. Vanderhof.

Who would do the work?

There's always people to do
their work. You can't stop them.

Inventions, they fly the oceans.

There's also people
that go down to Wall Street

because they like it.

But from what I've seen of you..

...I don't think
you're one of them.

(Martin)
'I think you're
missing something.'

I'm not aware
of missing anything.

I wasn't either till I quit.

Oh, I used to go down to
that office at 9 o'clock sharp.

Right on the dot
no matter how I felt.

Used to lie awake at nights too.

For fear
I wouldn't get that contract.

'Used to worry about the world.'

I got worked up about who was
gonna be elected president.

Cleveland or Blaine.

Oh, it was very important to me
at the time. But who cares now?

What I'm trying to say,
Mr. Kirby is..

...that I've had 35 years that
nobody can take away from me.

Nobody.

No matter what
they do to the world.

You see?

Yes, I do see.

And it's a very dangerous
philosophy, Mr. Vanderhof.

It's un-American.

And it's exactly why
I'm opposed to this marriage.

I don't want Tony
coming under its influence.

What's the matter
with it, father?

What's the matter with it?

Why, it's downright communism,
that's what it is.

Oh, you didn't
always think so.

I most certainly did.

What are you
talking about?

I'll tell you
what I'm talking about.

You didn't always think so.

Because there was
a...there was a time

that you wanted to be
a trapeze artist.

Wh...don't be an idiot, Tony.

No, no, no.
Yes, you did.

I came across it in
those letters that you wrote

to grandfather.
Do you remember those?

No.

How dare you
read those letters?

Mr. Kirby,
I think it's wonderful.

Did you wear tights?

Certainly not.
The whole thing is absurd.

I was 14-years-old
at the time.

At 18 you wanted to be
a saxophone player, didn't you?

- Tony.
- At 21 you ran away from home..

...because grandfather wanted
you to go into the business.

It's all in the letters.
You didn't always think so.

- Well, well, well.
- I may have had silly notions.

Thankfully my father
knocked them out of me.

I went into the business
and forgot it.

There's still a saxophone
in the back of your closet.

There is?

That's enough, Tony.
We'll discuss this later.

I wanna talk
about it right now.

I think Mr. Vanderhof
is right. Dead right.

I'm not going back
to that office again.

I've always hated it.
I'm not going to continue.

And I'll tell you
something else..

...I didn't make
a mistake last night.

I brought you here on purpose.

- Tony!
- Well, for heaven's sake.

Because I wanted
to wake you up.

I wanted you
to see a real family.

As they really were.

'A family that loves
and understands each other.'

You never understood me.
You never had the time.

Well, I-I'm clearing out.
I'm not gonna make your mistake.

Clearing out?
What do you mean?

I'm not gonna be in the business
because I'm your son.

- I'm getting out.
- What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll be a bricklayer.

At least I'll be doing
something that I want to do.

[doorbell dings]

That must be the cab.

Ask him to
wait a minute, Ed.

- Grandpa..
- Do you, do you mind, Alice?

Mr. Kirby, Tony's going through
exactly what you and I

did when we were his age.

'If you listen hard enough
you can hear yourself'

'saying the same words
to your father 25 years ago.'

We all did
and we were right.

How many of us would be willing
to settle when we're young

for what we eventually get?

'All those plans we make.
What happens to them?'

Think there's only
a handful of the lucky ones

that can look back and say
that they even came close.

So before they clean out
that closet, Mr. Kirby

I think I'd get a few good
licks in on that saxophone.

I beg your pardon but before
I make the blintzes

how many will
there be for dinner?

Your Highness, may I present
my granddaughter Alice.

Mr. Anthony Kirby,
Mr. Kirby, Jr.

'The Grand Duchess
Olga Katrina.'

How do you do?

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Before I make the blintzes, how
many will there be to dinner?

Well, I...I'd make quite
a stack of them, Your Highness.

- Can't ever tell.
- Good!

The czar always said to me

"Olga, do not be stingy
with the blintzes."

Mr. Vanderhof,
who did you say that was?

The Grand Duchess
Olga Katrina.

She's cooking the dinner.

'Speaking of dinner, Mr. Kirby,
why don't you and Tony stay?'

Please do, Mr. Kirby.

We have all that stuff we were
going to have last night.

I mean, tonight.

Going to be a pretty
good dinner, Mr. Kirby.

And it'll give us a chance to
get acquainted. Why not stay?

[dramatic music]

How about it, father?

Are we staying?

Well, if you'd care to, Tony,
I'd like to very much.

Now if Alice will send away
that cab, Mr. Vanderhof.

How about it, Alice?

Gonna be a nice crowd.

Don't you think you
ought to stay for dinner?

I'm staying, Alice. The families
ought to get to know each other.

[instrumental music]

Oh, you're wonderful, grandpa.

I've been trying
to tell you that for years.

Oh, Tony.

Well, I guess I'll tell
the cab to leave, right?

Grandpa, here's a letter
for you. It was in the icebox.

The United States Government.

- How do you do, Mr. Kirby?
- How do you do?

Well, well, well.

What is it, grandpa?

The United States Government
apologizes.

I don't owe 'em a nickel.
It seems I died 8 years ago.

Well, what do
they mean, grandpa?

Remember the milkman
buried under my name?

Yeah.

Well, I just told them
they made a mistake

and I was
Martin Vanderhof, Jr.

So they're very sorry
and I may even get a refund.

Oh, grandpa,
you're an old crook.

Sure.

Pardon me, Mr. Vanderhof,
how did you say

you escaped the income tax?

Tonight, my friends,
you will taste food

that will melt your mouths.

- Hello, there.
- How do you do?

- Glad to see you.
- What happened?

- He's relaxing.
- Why?

Everything will be ready
in a minute. You may sit down.

Dinner, everybody!
Let me hang that..

Oh, thank you.

[indistinct chattering]

Well, sir,
here we are again.

We want to say
thanks once more

for everything
you've done for us.

Things seem to be
going along fine.

Alice is going to marry Tony.

(Martin)
'Looks as if they're going
to be very, very happy.'

'Of course
the fireworks blew up.'

'But that's DePinna's fault,
not yours.'

We've all got our health as far
as anything else is concerned.

We'll leave it to you.
Thank you.

[indistinct chattering]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chattering]

[music continues]

[music continues]