You Are a Widow, Sir (1971) - full transcript
After a soldier cuts off the arm of king's cousin, king decides to deactivate the army. Of course, generals don't like it at all and they try to kill the king. The assassin should be ...
...presents
You're a widow, mister!
Story and screenplay by
Merited artist
Featuring
and others
Assistant Director
Cameraman
Deputy head of production
Continuity
Costumes designed by
Wardrobe by
Make-up
Properties
Music by
Recorded by
Lyrics to theme song by
Performed by
Film Editor
Sound Editor
Sets designed by
Head of Production Team
Director of Photography
Directed by
Made at the Barrandov Film Studios
Processed at the Prague Film
Laboratories
Your Highness, the plane
with His Highness Oscar XV
is just landing.
- Do I give the impression
that I'm blind?
You seem incapable of cutting out
these monkey trick...
This impertinence mustn't get
into the papers!
See to it, Steiner!
- Yes, Sir.
Mind Out!
The kissing's over,
now come the handshakes.
General Oatis.
- But the Prime Minister and I
know each other.
- Gentlemen,...
But this is...
- Evelina Keletti
and her husband, the tycoon.
- Yes, of course I know you, I saw
your last film,
The Bath-Tub on the Terrace.
You played the title role, didn't you?
- Do you mean to maintain
that Madame Keletti played the bath-tub,
dear Cousin?
You two are Cousins?
- All men are brothers,
and all Kings are Cousins,
Madame Keletti.
- Oh, I see.
Present arms!
Sorry!
You and your monkey tricks!
This is the outcome...!
- Your Highness...
- Silence!
I have a great idea.
I shall abolish the army!
But Your Highness...
- Silence!
You are a public danger!
Today you crippled a man
and this is only a show.
What would you be up to
if war broke out...
When did it happen?
- Seventeen minutes ago.
- I said size three and you hand me
you... head-in-the-clouds!
Take care I don't make you unemployed!
- Professor!
- Yes, Your Highness.
- Can one salute with this thing?
- Of course, and it even has
one great advantage:
no nerves!
Even should a mule kick you,
you wouldn't feel a thing!
- That's fine!
- Keep him amused!
The early morning edition,
Your Highness.
- Rosebud IV is disbanding his army!
Oscar XV... and artificial hand made
by Professor Somer!
It's in the papers already!
- That's quite normal, Your Highness.
The "Tempo" always knows in advance
what's going to happen!
RUM
Stuart, the editor-in-chief wants
a horoscope made out
for that new singer,
is it ready yet?
- She's going to be terribly po...
popular next year.
- Surely not!
Is she such a talent then?
- No, but she'll be giving birth
to sextuplets!
Come in.
Bobo!
I s... say, man,
I haven't seen you f... for ages!
- Stuart, I got the sack.
- Well, ha... hacking off an arm...
- But I didn't do it on purpose!
- Wha... what can I do for you?
- Look here, please look
into those charts of yours,
about what's going to happen to me, see.
That's no problem for you, is it?!
- Well then, quick, your date of birth!
What have devised, Steiner?
- It's going to happen
tomorrow afternoon.
The lift cable's going to snap,
up on the fourth floor.
And the safety lock won't be working.
- There now, and no disbanding
of the army!
- I have worked out the time table
for the festive ceremony to inaugurate
the new government!
- We haven't won yet!
Some dreadful things have come out,
Bobo! Ah, now I understand!
I'm to be killed!
- And I?
- You're going to s... save my life!
- Me?
- Yes.
You'll take up your trade again.
But I keep butting into the picture.
This has got me flummoxed!
We're probably jo... joining forces!
- You and me? Together?
- Yeah. I'm to become a widow.
A widow twice over.
And then I'm to marry Molly.
- Molly Adams?
You mean to say you love her?
- Yes.
I'm to marry her
and... her husband too.
- You mean a sort of group-marriage?
We wouldn't get the permit!
- The stars don't lie, Bobo!
- Stuart, you're to report
at the Royal Palace immediately!
I don't believe in horoscope much,
but you sure hit it off with that hand.
I'm really curious,
after all, one doesn't abolish an army
more than once in a lifetime,
so I hope there won't be
any complications.
What will you have now, Mr. Hample?
Tea with rum.
Well, what have you worked out?
- I say, don't keep interrupting him!
- Now then, that's enough!
I've had enough of your incessant
rebukes!
What I really can't understand, Cousin,
is that how a man of your disposition
wants to disband his army!
You have a contentious temperament!
- You'd do better to mind
your own business! You hand's burning.
Damn it!
What do they make these things of?
- That's made of a foot.
- A foot?
- I stepped onto a red-hot poker once
and there was the same bad smell.
- Your Hi... Highness!
I've g... got it!
But it's very dr... dreadful!
- You want to terrify me?
- A co... co... conspiracy!
- Or put me to sleep?
- A co... conspiracy a...
...and an attempt on your life.
Some... something to do with the lift,
and the f... fourth floor!
- A conspiracy? An attempt to be made
on my life? And who's to make it?
Tel Oatis and that Steiner chap
to come here!
Your tea!
- Thank you.
- And how's it all going to end?
- We... well, un... unless
they kill you.
- Original!
- General Oatis, Your Highness,
and Major Steiner.
Oatis, there are preparations
under way for a conspiracy
and an attempt on my life.
It's to take place in the lift,
according to my information.
- That's impossible!
Who told you, Your Highness?
- Mr. Hample, here.
The astrologer from the "Tempo"!
The s... stars don't lie, General!
- See that we don't become
a laughing-stock!
I shall inform parliament, anyway.
You may go!
That astrologer guy must disappear!
That's task no.1!
- Yes, Sir!
- No, John!
Dear God, you mustn't die!
- I say, why the hysterics?
- You go and mind your cannon!
- Who's playing John?
- That slightly idiotic friend of yours,
the stick-in-the-mud.
- Really, Gugenheim's not as bad
as all that...
- They ought to mummify him
so that he doesn't rot in that mud.
And do you know what's happening
on the first night?
- Hm. A dress rehearsal.
- Mr. Steiner gets married
to Miss Molly Adams!
- But I've told you that I don't want
to get married!
- Oh you do, but you're too shy
to say so.
We'll invite five to six people:
Evelina, stage director Brant,
that Oatis of yours, my neighbour...
- Hample? That astrologer?
- Yes.
He's a terribly nice man!
He loves me, he mends my fuses
and he brings me fresh bread rolls...
Anyway, why, can't I ask
whom I like?
- Yes, of course, and see you ask
somebody who'll marry you!
- Oh but Robert...
Now then, do you love me of don't you?!
- I'm really not in the mood today!
- Evelina!
- G... good afternoon.
I want to t... talk to you, if I may.
- Can't it wait, Mr. Hample?
- No... it's... it's about...
...about the wedding!
- So you know?
- The stars told me!
Ho... how do you know?
- But what?
- That... we're going to get
ma... married!
- What do you mean, we?!
I'm marrying Mr. Steiner!
- Ah, I see, ye... yes, that's...
That's correct.
We'd live together, all three of us!
- Can you please tell me
how you imagine that would work
in practice?
- To tell you the truth,
I thought it a bit odd too...
...but it's what the s... stars say
and th... they don't lie!
- Per... perhaps we'll all get on well
to... together.
Molly!
Will you come and help these people,
they're looking for a certain
Mr. Hample!
- Can I help you?
- You're that fortune-teller guy?
Called Hample?
- Ye... yes.
Our Colonel would like to know
if his wife'll be having a boy
or a girl.
I'm sorry, I...
Is that him?
Sorry! But you s... said...
...that I'm to find out what...
what... what... what's to be born!
- Nothing's to be born,
on the contrary, if you ask me!
Tie him up so he doesn't dodge about!
- So that was just a j... joke,
about th... the baby?!
- I don't get it, he's so calm!
Like blooming calf!
You see I know that my fr... friend's
co... coming, to save my li... life.
Sure thing...!
Some spares, Your Highness.
- Delightful. Thank you.
- Hope it keeps fine for you, Oscar!
- Couldn't you lend me
that Hample bloke for a few days?
I'm preparing some proposals
for parliament.
- The astrologer?
Of course.
- I'm sorry, but that won't be possible,
Your Highness.
Poor Hample passed on yesterday.
Something fell on his head.
- Hample is dead?
Don't do that in my presence, you know
that I can't bear the sight of blood!
- Sorry!
- I want to say this:
I got you out of a hole...
...but under one condition!
That it's kept under our hats!
- But Major, I'm a soldier,
I know all about top secrets!
Steiner, see they bring that Hample's
charts and maps to my flat -
I'm an antique collector.
- And have you verified it?
It's unbelievable!
Thank you.
The Neurology Institute has just asked
for the brain of that Hample chap!
- The brain of an astrologer of genius,
General. -
They'll preserve it in alcohol.
- Bravo! Gentlemen...
- Hample is dead
and now nothing will stand in our way!
- Only after that prophecy of Hample's
not even a mouse can slip
through to the King!
- I would take it upon me to propose
a certain plan.
- Go on.
- It has one disadvantage. -
It's too expensive!
- Never mind.!
We have the State Treasury
at our disposal...
- There is one person
who is received by the King
at any time of the day or night.
Evelina Keletti.
- But she won't murder the King!
- She will!
The permit to enter prison hospital.
- Ah yes, Mrs. Stubb!
This way.
She got the noose, but she's damned
lucky- she's dying - her liver!
About two more weeks and that's the end!
Here it is.
She's just got a visitor.
Can't you give up!
And you'll have to pay for that ball!
And this is what you would look like,
Mrs. Stubb!
- Jesus! Crikey!
- Just a mo!
I've seen that woman somewhere.
Show me! Damn you!
- Don't you touch it!
Well, Mrs. Stubb?
Hm...?
- Why ask?
Of course I will!
- Well really, Fanny,
surely I have something to say too!
Because if she's going to look like
this bird,
then I'll be wanting my bit of fun!
- And what would you be wanting
to do with me, you good-for-nothing!
- Hm...
Just normal like...
- Poor fool.
- I don't want to deny you a thing,
Mr. Bloom.
You can come any time you like.
Holy mackerel that dope gets
on my nerves!
- Steiner...
- But it's my own fault!
I botched it when I slit his throat.
- I beg your pardon?
- Well, show the gent you scar!
- The one where you botched it
when you tried to slit my throat.
- Yeah. Here.
And what about those other cases?
- My husband I bashed up
with a frying pan.
- You're a widow?
- Yeah. A widow.
And then there was
the forest ranger,...
...the organist and the bartender.
Four murders in all,
all sadistic.
I just said "Close your eyes,
sweetie-pie!" and slit!
Blood, that's my hobby, and gold, too!
You also stole, Mrs. Stubb?
- Yeah!
Like this.
Was it gold?!
- It was.
- Just imagine, Mr. Strauss,
that's how she pinched
a golden ladle this big,
in one of the museums!
Boy, did we have a time
trying to get it out afterwards.
I covered you that time,
at the museum, what?
- What about popping out
for a glass of rum Mr. Bloom?!
- Well, yeah, I could do that.
And I'll bring back
a drop for you too,
Fanny girl.
Mrs. Stubb, would you be capable
of killing just anybody?
- If it's a man...
- It'll be a man, Mrs. Stubb!
- It will it?
- And then you'll get a heap of money,
a plane ticket to South America,
and you can live it high!
But one other thing!
They said you'd last another two weeks,
but can't wait that long, Mrs. Stubb!
Come here!
Stick these labels onto these two boxes.
On the left, that's the astrologer
Hample, on the right the Stubb woman.
Send the left box
to the neurology institute,
take the right hand box personally
to Professor Somer's clinic.
There are brains inside those boxes,
take care you don't mix them up!
- The left to the neurology institute,
the right to Somer!
- To Professor Somer!
Right, the left to the neurology
institute, the right to Somer!
- Are you Somer?
Well O.K., Professor then.
I've brought the brain,
that Stubb woman's brain.
Would you please sign for it?
- I say, that's some brain!
You didn't get it mixed up
with another one, or something?!
- Well, really...!
- Let's hope not...!
- Professor...
- You are a tormentor, Professor!
- One must suffer for the sake
of beauty, madam.
- You certainly haven't suffered much
in that respect, Professor!
It's setting!
- Well, yes...
Would you kindly close your eyes?
- Yes.
We'll prise you out of your shell
in a few minutes' time!
Didn't she find it fishy?
- No. Thanks.
I told her it was a new face
and body mask.
And the mould is complete.
But anyway, why all this secrecy?
- She's to shoot
some dangerous sequences
and wants to do it herself,
without a stand-in.
The King is naturally worried
and has ordered a double to be made.
- Yes, I understand,
the sequences will just
have to be filmed without her knowledge.
- Yeah.
- But if it's such a top secret,
I can't very well ask for normal...
...that is to say human, material.
Is there any other possibility?
You can make your choice, the body can
either be made up of veal or of pork.
So. What are you staring at?!
A beauty parlour, see!
Who did the stomach?
- I did, Sir.
- I could have guessed!
What on earth made you put in
a rumen, third stomach, and maw?!
She'd ruminate, you somnambulist!
Take care I don't make you unemployed!
Put it right!
She must have been really brainy,
Professor!
Look at this, it's as big
as a man's brain...
- Yes, I noticed that, too.
- And who was this Mrs. Stubb?
- I don't know, but in any case
she must have been a woman
of quite unusual intelligence.
- Evidently had great acting talent.
- Well that doesn't signify
great intelligence!
- If she's to play double
to Evelina Keletti...
- I beg your pardon?
There now. Finished!
Well, gentlemen...
I think that we can be satisfied,
gentlemen!
Fantastic!
- Perfect job!
Right down to the last freckle!
- Is she alive?
- We left that job for you.
You're going to breathe life
into the body, like God the Creator!
- I?
- Yes.
Consider it a little mark of favour.
Just like mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
H... h... how d... dare you?!
- Just normal, a bit of shock, that's
all. Look, how beautifully she stutters!
Who did the vocal chords?
- I did.
- Take care I don't make you unemployed!
Well, Mrs. Stubb, you're back
on this earth!
- How come how come
I've g... got this?
Where on earth did a chap
like me get this?
Chap... Chap...
You're a woman and we don't expect
much logic, but surely, Mrs. Stubb?
- Do... don't call me Mrs. Stubb!
And g... go away, how can you bother
a chap in this st... state of undress!
- Chap?
Come now, get hold of yourself.
Get used to it O.K.!
Never mind, you'll settle down in time.
- And what are you doing here,
S... Steiner?
- There now, you know this gentleman,
don't you? Your memory's coming back!
You've got some clothes for her.
There's a spare wig over there.
It'll be better if we leave,
she needs quiet.
Lots of luck, Mrs. Stubb.
- I'm no M... Mrs. Stubb.
They killed me, didn't they!
- They had meant to hang you,
but you died of your own accord
at the prison hospital, Mrs. Stubb.
- Holy mackerel!
Will you stop it!
And these w... will have to go
t... too!
After all, I'm no woman!
- Oh yes you are,
take a good look!
- But...
But this is E... Evelina Keletti!
What is this supposed to mean,
S... Steiner?!
- Well then I'll explain all over
again.
You're Fanny Stubb,
the widow of Ignatius Stubb...
- What?
A widow? I'm a wi... widow?
- But of course you're a widow!
- Well in that c... case
ev... everything's O.K.
- That's fine then!
- If I'm a widow
then I must h... have these too.
Widows do.
Well, c... continue!
- And now, Mrs. Stubb,
why have we given you back your life...
You are now going to undertake
your fifth murder.
- Right.
- What?
What? I'm to ki... kill somebody?
- But of course.
The King!
You said:
"As long as it's a man...!
B...
- Never mind him, that's the cook.
What is it, Bobo?
- Some man's waiting downstairs.
Such a...
- Just a moment, Mrs. Stubb!
Excuse me, Mrs. Stubb!
- One minute!
- Good evening.
- That's better! Well, I've come,
that was our agreement...
- Ah yes.
You're quick, aren't you!
Well, never mind. At least Mrs. Stubb
won't be bored tonight...
This way.
Well now, isn't this a surprise,
Mrs. Stubb?
Come, come, come, come!
- Christ, Fanny
you're a sight for sore eyes!
Who's that?
- Oh but you know him very well,
Mrs. Stubb.
Just as soon as you remember!
I'll lend you a pair of pyjamas!
- What's that?
- Pyjamas.
- Oh, I see.
- But I don't want to stay here
w... with him!
- No wild orgies, mind,
the chef's bedroom is below!
You can burn those pyjamas
in the morning!
- G... go a... away!
- Stop stuttering and take off
those glad rags!
I said take off those glad rags!
Did you hear, you so-and-so!
When you were an old nag
I was good enough, what?
And now I'm not to touch you, what?
- St... stop pawing me about,
you p... pig!
- You're so choosy all of a sudden!
Look...
Well.
Look here! Got a pail?
- There's w... water in there.
- Now then, come on!
Where's that pail then?!
Fanny, what's this hissing noise?
What sort of stupid joke is this?
Cripes!
What son-of-a-bitch
thought up this?
Ha, just look at the bright laddie -
fresh out of Sing-Sing!
You...
You damned old moll!
A cell all over again, or what?
You think you can get away
with dousing decent people
and thingummy...
Open up, will you! Open up,
I'm no chick,
I've got out of a different kind
of cell in my time!
I'll show you...!
- As you like - I don't feel anything.
Hm.
Like a couple of animals!
We won't be getting much sleep tonight!
- Let's hope
he doesn't break her or something!
- It's young, fresh veal.
- Now I'll show you who's master!
- How do you do, I'm H... Hample!
- Just a mo! Look here, you bitch,
I'll tear you apart I will! You...
...you old duffer!
I'll set that new trap of yours
back into shape, you...
Bobo!
Bobo!
- You're b... bats, B... Bobo!
Stop it!
You've had one sp... spot of trouble
with that s... sword already!
I'm S... Stuart!
Do you re... remember when I told you
I'd become a wi... widow?
Well, h... here we are!
- Wha... what - Stuart?
- I'll explain!
What goings-on!
That's no villa, that's a brothel!
- But Alfred, Steiner is a young man
full of temperament...
And I'm to open negotiations with such
rake about a real estate sale...!
You should warn that Molly of yours,
so that she knows she's marrying!
- Love is love...
Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Stop! What a bit of luck!
- I beg your pardon...!
- Come here, I'll tear you apart
and chop you up, I will!
- Alfred!
- Alfred!
She's got an Alfred now...!
- Alfred!!!
- What's going on here?!
- So you've got a new guy again?!
Fast worker, you are!
- Away with you my man
or I'll have you arrested this minute!
- You take care old chap,
I've got some right to this bird too!
For five years I rounded up
all the fancy jobs for her,
and I sat in the clink in her place,
too!
And she's suddenly gone hoity-toity
on me!
- Police!
Police!!!
- I'm coming, Mr. Keletti!
Get out, you scoundrel! There!
- You wait, Fanny, I'll beat up
that freckled fanny of yours for you!
You...!
Freckled...
You undressed in front of this man?
- Well, really, Alfred...!
- I can see that you haven't told me
everything by far about your past!
- Don't be disgusting!
Where now, Mr. Keletti?
- First to the bank
and then about that real estate
to that...
...Steiner's!
- Yes, Mr. Keletti.
- The sun has hidden its countenance
behind the bulk of Mount Yve!
The hour of your death has arrived!
- Stop!
Stop! That's enough!
Christ, Gugenheim, what are there for?!
- Well really, I thought...
- Oh I see, you thought?
But you never think, so will you kindly
not break that rule at least!
What are you doing
after the rehearsal?
- I've got a date with the King.
- Listen, Evelina, be a dear and invite
the King to my wedding, will you?
You see...
- Why not ask him yourself?
I'll arrange a royal audience for you.
- Well, shall we continue!
Start again from "Goodbye, friends!"!
- Goodbye, friends!
Long live good old England!
- Let not a drop of blood be wasted!
John!
- Untie them!
- No!
You will die too. And first!
Stop!
Who put the live ammo in there?!
Props, here to me!
Listen, you, I'll have you arrested!
Do you know what could have happened?!
How are you feeling, Madame?
- Evelina!
- Are you all right?
- He... he cou... could have
ki... killed me!
- Shock!
I think that means we've finished
for today!
Damn it!
- He said you're not to get close
to the window!
And not to out into the garden
before nightfall.
I say, isn't this wrong or something?
Yes, that's better!
That looks more like it.
- And wha... what do I do with this,
B... Bobo?
- I don't know, I'm not a girl!
And I only studied
at the Military Academy.
Got a s... safety-pin?
- Yeah.
Doesn't that hurt?
- No.
H... how do we work it t... tonight?
- As soon as Steiner locks everything up
and goes into his bedroom,
I'll get a ladder up,
you climb down and we'll disappear.
- You... you're running away
wi... with me, Bobo?
- Yeah. I don't want to have
anything more to do with Steiner.
- Bobo!
- Lo... look here,
don't do that... get away from me!
- D... don't be idiotic!
This is nothing
but a hun... hundredweight
of v... veal!
- That's just the thing, and I'm a chef!
I'll brush it out for you!
Put that thing out!
Quick!
My name is Keletti.
- Mr. Steiner is... not...
- Show me those clothes!
- Oh no, you'd soil you hands,
they're messy and crushed!
- Thank you, I've seen quite enough!
- Peggy! Peggy!
Just imagine Alfred,
I made a great buy today!
Isn't it beautiful?
You gave the servants the day off?
Why?
- Wait and you'll see why.
Where have you been?
Ah, what a day this has been...
Nothing but excitements
and thrills all day long!
- Really?! But I can see
that your clothes are cleaned up!
The thrills you experienced on the floor
or directly on the dung-heap?!
- What are you saying, Alfred?
- You tell me!
Tell me of the fun you had with Steiner!
Who is better, that stinking tramp
who knows all about your freckles,
of Steiner, who wipes his feet on you?!
I haven't been to Steiner's flat
in my life!
- That you have! And naked!
- Why are you so offensive?
You know that I'm incapable of lying!
- You...
You...
You... incapable of lying?!
You snake-in-the-grass!
Ouch!
- Alfred, did you hurt yourself?
My conscience is as pure as fallen snow!
- You unscrupulous monster!
You tramp's concubine!
What's the matter with him?
- Nothing.
- Come along home!
- Don't do that, Mr. Keletti!
- You there, kick that chair away,
will you!
Don't do it!
We should have that repaired,
Mr. Keletti. It could kill somebody!
Take that chair away
or you're fired without notice!
- But it's quite unnecessary,
Mr. Keletti!
- I have killed my wife, I want to die!
- That woman looks the very image
of your late wife...
- What do you mean by that?
- Well. If we manage to lure her
in here, you'll be in the clear!
I've got a ladder ready, Mr. Keletti!
- A ladder?
- You can depend on me!
Do you see the likeness?
- Stuart, listen, that's settled,
right?
I'll come and get you
through the window.
Damn it, stop smoking! -
What if he walked in here...
- Hell!
Will you kindly not do this!
But its so ho... hot in here.
- You'll be paying a visit
to the King tomorrow.
You'll be given your directions
and the knife in the morning.
Good night!
- These damn si... silly tricks
of yours, Bobo?! Bo... Bobo!
Stuart!
Stuart!
Where are you, damn it all?
Steiner's fast asleep.
Come along, we've got to go!
- ... men have more resistance.
But if you give a woman a good sniff,
she doesn't wake up
until she's in kingdom come!
- What do you mean "kingdom come"?
- Obvious.
We'll turn on the gas!
And in the morning the whole world
will hear that you wife
committed SUICIDE...
And you'll be a widower,
but not a murderer!
- Thank you. I'll never forget
what you've done for me!
Where on earth did that Steiner
find such a perfect duplicate?!
Poor girl! Now she'll find the corpse.
Is there anything wrong?
There must be -
Madam wants her tea with rum!
Excuse me.
Do please have a little understanding
for our jobs!
Please don't be angry, but the public
wants to be kept informed.
Wants to know how Mrs. Keletti
is feeling.
- After that shock she received
yesterday at the theatre!
- Excuse me, gentlemen!
Could I talk to her?
Impossible! My wife isn't...
...isn't quite herself this morning!
- I quite understand.
I was present when it happened
at the theatre yesterday.
But... Please understand I must
talk to her! The premiere's approaching!
I'm telling you for the last time
that she's unconscious
and that I refuse to let you in!
Excuse me... - Madame for the "Tempo".
- For the "Express"!
- Madam, don't forget
the premiere!
She didn't even recognize me! -
It's more serious than I thought.
She take my car!
- Follow her!
I heard that you have suffered
a bad shock, madam.
- Th... that's not im... important
just now!
- Of course.
Of course.
Well, and what would you be willing
to pay for those maps?
- A... anything.
- Surely not anything?!
Anything I may ask for?
- Everything.
- But for a man of my temperament
that can mean but a single thing,
madam...
This body of mine is not of fir...
...first-rate importance to me.
- But it is to me!
I've been longing for you for years!
I dream of you!
- No... no kissing!
- My word, that's substantial underwear
you're wearing my dear...!
How does one take them off?
- I d... don't know!
And interesting model!
Who's the visitor?
- Some reporter.
It's nothing but work, work, work
at our place Gerti.
Ah...!
A bit of masochist, what?
Do y... you like ve... veal?
- Why?
- Nothing. Just a question.
We'll talk later,
O.K.?
I haven't experienced such a thrill
for years, madam!
No, Gerti, that doesn't matter a bit,
even if he is working!
Omar would never forgive you
for not dropping in.
This way.
- Oh!
- Ugh, Omar!
You should be ashamed of yourself!
This is the end between you and me!
- Who's that?
- Don't you pretend that you
don't know me, you... You slut!
- Here she is!
Come on in, quick!
- Dear God, Mary,
we must be sensible!
- Sensible?!
- Couldn't you at least put on
your clothes?
We must keep this quiet, Mary!
My career's at stake!
- Keep it quiet you may,
but it means an end to my love!
- Keep it quiet you may,
but it means an end to my love!
- ... an end to my love.
- Oh!
- General! Words fail me...!
- What do you all want in here?!
Out, immediately!!!
- Excuse me, but I've got a press card!
Your wife has just broken up my home!
- Oh madam, I wouldn't take it
as hard as all that!
You know that these artists have
a different sort of set of morals -
they are like birds.
- Bu... but the ma... maps are mine
now, aren't they?
- How's that?
How's that?
- But you... you un... undressed me!
- But you know that we didn't
get as far as...
- Well then everybody go a... away,
so that he can undress me!
- Oh!
- This is unbelievable!
- You see Madame Keletti
is an antiques collector
and she wanted... My maps.
- I wouldn't take it so hard!
- Nor I!
- You know these collectors...
They have a different set of morals -
like the worker-bee. Isn't that right?
- How could you make such shameless use
of my wife's passionate nature?!
I'm no... no wife of y... yours!
He wanted to turn the ga... gas on me!
- Please don't forget
that she has experienced a shock!
You must convince her that she's
your wife! Otherwise - prison for you!
- But of course she's my wife!
This will mean a duel!
- A duel! Oh!
- You overdid that!
- You see, Omar, a duel!
Because of some maps...
- Well, do I get undressed or...
- Christ, no!
Dear God, do understand my situation...
- Be quiet! This is the end
between the two of us!
Gerti will be my witness at court!
- Mary,...
- At court? Oh!
- Why take it to court, madam?!
Why break up a family,
the very foundation of society?
Look here, why don't you two
shake hands.
- I ne... need those ma... maps!
Come on, let's go into the next room,
maybe we'll manage to get these things
o... off if we join forces!
- Great God, that's enough!
You can keep those damned maps,
and get out!
Everybody out!
- We don't get out,
it's you who gets out!
You lecher!
The villa belongs to me!
After what has happened
I assume you must realize
that this can end only in one way-
catastrophe.
- We'll have to get rid of her-
the sooner the better!
Let her have those charts or she'll
tear the house down!
- We must set our plans very cleverly!
She's gone. Disappeared!
- This is a very dangerous situation!
- The woman's a notorious murderer!
If she kills someone, it'll be our end!
- They'll catch her and she'll blab!
- The King will disband the army
day after tomorrow!
And then he'll have it out with us!
Leave it!
Thank you, Steiner...!
- If he's dead he won't be able to have
anything out with us...!
I am willing to lay down my life
in this cause.
I shall break into his bedroom and...
- And, and, and, and... What?
- I know how this must be done!
I had been looking forward
to my wedding very much indeed,
gentlemen, but I am willing to sacrifice
anything for our cause!
My fianc?e Miss Molly Adams
has been granted an audience
with the King toady at one o'clock.
- But that means that she would die to!
- There's nothing to be done about that!
- Jesus Christ!
- That's the only possible solution.
- I... is that you, B... Bobo?
S... Stuart.
Wh... what's that you're saying?
Molly Adams?
No... no I don't understand you!
Listen carefully, Stuart!
They want to do Molly in,
do you understand?
The King and Molly!
I didn't hear the end.
But you're an astrologer, aren't you...?
Hm.
Explosion, wardrobe department.
Wardrobe...
One o'clock, explosion...
Bring me an aspirin
and a glass of water!
It'll be quite easy!
But how?
This is the way!
I'll be waiting downstairs
and you'll ask her in here.
I'll call her to the window
from the garden,
you'll have the kindness to step
on that loose parquet and that's that!
Death by misadventure!
- Let's hope it works out his time!
- We'll have to test the plan!
Hey, what are you doing there?!
Mr. Keletti!
Mr. Keletti!
- What is it?
- She's running away!
Just look up there, to your left!
- Hold her back!
Mr. Keletti...
Come along in, I'm just having a bath!
- Mo... Molly...
Come along into the bathroom,
don't stand out there in the hall!
I phoned your house a few minutes ago
and the secretary told me
that your husband had something wrong
with his head. Just a migraine, maybe?
- Yeah.
A migraine.
- Be a dear and scrub my back, will you?
- Yeah.
- I'm to be at the palace in an hour
and this is the state I'm still in...
I'm so nervous
that I'd much rather not go there
at all.
- Don't go! Do... don't go!
We... we'll stay here
and I... I'll gi... give you
your b... bath.
- Are you mad?! I had a new dress
made for the occasion...
Do you know what, why don't you go
and have a look at it?
- And what about he... here.
- No, thanks.
- And your t... tummy!
- That's enough!
Listen, what's wrong with you?!
- Go and take a look at that dress,
you're keeping me!
How am I to address the King, -
Your Highness or Your Royal Highness?
- You're no... not going to see
any King!
- Yes, I'm walking,
it's such a little way
it's not worth taking the car!
- No, I w... won't let you go!
- Why not? You arranged the audience
for me yourself!
- You're st... staying put!
- What on earth has got into you
today!
Surely you're not jealous now...?
Give me that key!
- No... no I w... won't!
- Evelina!
- There!
The jealous bitch!
Mind! Here they are!
Now!
Oh!
Can't you be more careful, man?!
Our apologies, madam!
We'll set this right this very minute.
The shoe!
When is it timed for...
- In five minutes.
Go!
Taxi!
Taxi!
What's the hurry, Fanny!
We've got something to settle first!
There now, now you won't run out on me,
you...
You bitch!
Wait! Wait!
Help! Help!
- Sorry.
- N... nothing happened! Taxi!
- Sorry!
I am quite exceptionally happy
to meet you.
Madame Keletti has often been
telling me about you.
She is as unusually wise
and witty young lady.
And I have a great respect
for her opi...
Don't you hear something ticking
by any chance?
- Le... let go! Le... let go!
Un... un... get undressed!
- I?
- Molly!
- M... Molly, get un... undressed!
Come here! Come here! Come here!
- Good heavens, Evelina...
Have you gone mad, God, are you crazy?!
- Y... your dr... dress! Wait!
- Leave me alone!
Madame Keletti...!
- Don't take my dress!
- Now the, Mrs. Keletti,...!
I know you want to please me.
But at such a price, surely...
The girl will catch cold!
- Dear God! Please turn round,
Your Highness!
- M... Molly, come on! Come on!
- Yes, of course.
Madame Keletti,
really this just will not do...!
Do realize what would happen
if the Prime Minister walked in...!
- Ouch!
- Molly!
- Mrs. Keletti! That's enough!
Listen, you must have been drinking!
Come here and brea...
- Excuse me!
Wh... whoops!
And what do I walk home in...?
- You went a bit far, this time,
Mrs. Keletti!
This get-up gives rather
a bad impression.
...you are our last hope!
The King will be disbanding the army
the day after tomorrow.
Anyway, they do say
that you're a better shot then actor!
- How dare you...!
- But I'd be capable of making you
the first tragedian in the land,
do you understand?! -
Othello, Hamlet, Romeo,...
...Picasso! Or manager of this theatre,
or Minister of Culture - anything!
- But a King, that's no small matter...!
Regicide...
- It won't be you,
it'll be the props man!
- What do you mean, the props man?
- You know what happened
at the rehearsal!
There'll be "misadventure" again -
a live bullet...!
Did you say theatre manager?
I thought she'd gone crazy!
And just imagine,
in the end she climbed over the balcony
in Mr. Hample's flat.
- Hample's flat?
Hm.
But how could Mrs. Keletti have know
what was afoot?
- She's rather queer nowadays
altogether.
- What do you mean, queer?
- She keeps looking at me
in such a moon-struck way...
And she stutters!
- What?!
- Miss Molly onstage!
- She stutters?
- But the king was wonderful!
Just imagine, he accepted my invitation
to attend our wedding!
Are you glad?
Bye-bye.
Professor Somer?
Steiner.
Would you be so kind as to borrow
the brain of astrologer Hample
from the neurology institute?
I am of the opinion
that the man's alive.
- You were right,
some error must have been made.
This is definitely a woman's brain!
The Stubb woman. Fanny Stubb.
All right then,
but where is Hample running around?
Don't you worry about that.
And that'll be the end of you,
Stuart Hample!
It's veal! - Surely we won't
throw it out...
Any way, do you know how much
such a wedding feast comes to?
- All right! In that case let's put
a veal joint on the menu...
And we can make soup of this.
- And what else?
- And then we could have
some veal knuckles,
or ragout, or aspic...
It's make a beautiful aspic!
Will you kindly step back, Major,
or you'll get blood all over you!
- Wait! You know that I can't
bear the sight of blood!
My God, your disposition, Man...
- Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Well! O.K.!
- My dr... dress, B... Bobo!
- Take it! There's your dress, take it!
Yeah.
Well. Wait - fasten this on!
As witness at the wedding
you have to have it.
Bon appetit!
- Thank you.
What a pity the King had to go away.
I heard that veal knuckles
are his favourite speciality.
- You seem to be in a marvellous mood
today, madam! Your health!
Hey!
Sorry.
- She's trying to forget the loss
her husband!
- I'm just as badly off in that respect
as you are, madam. There. -
All alone.
What do you say we both change our lives
from the very foundations?
What do you say to that?
- I... I'd sure need that...
...you don't know how!
- Cheers!
I'm really thinking of getting married
again!
I've made an appointment for you
this afternoon with Professor Somer
about that stuttering of yours.
He says he'll put you right by the time
the evening performance starts!
- Th... that makes me
a h... happy woman!
I shall be watching your performance
from the Royal box, dear Evelina!
- Maybe it would be better
if you were to sit elsewhere...!
- W... why should you sit
el... elsewhere?
- Oh that was just a little joke!
Do you remember what happened
when General Stollwerk got married?
- I heard that he got married
in a submarine
and that they ran out of air
in the middle of the marriage ceremony!
An editor once got married
in a balloon
and they le... left the I... load on.
When they were over the pond
they began to sink
and they h... had to throw out
the pri... priest!
You made that up, madam!
- No! No! No!
That happened to one of o... our staff
at the "Te... Tempo"!"
- You on the staff of the Tempo?
I know it was a joke!
- All actresses like making up stories,
don't they?
- Not only actresses!
Opera singers, soubrettes...!
Listen, man, you must have killed
the real Mrs. Keletti
for the wedding feast!
- Do you think so?
- This is the Hample guy!
- But then, in our line of business
things are different,
one soldier with too much imagination
can cause the whole regiment
to fall apart...!
- I personally do not have
any great faith in dreamers either.
But I do appreciate a bit of imagination
in women and in cooks.
You have an excellent chef,
Madame!
The ve... veal is delectable!
The fork slides into it like butter!
- I had meat prepared in this fashion
only once before in my life.
That was on Quadapulpo.
- But they are cannibals!
- Perhaps you are a cannibal
and don't even realize it!
Yes, Sir?
- You've got me into a fine mess,
my man!
We've just eaten a famous actress,
understand?!
And the General wanted to marry her!
- But he had three helpings!
- We're cannibals
and that's against the law!
- What do you mean to do?
- There's only one thing left for me
to do!
- Where are you go... going?
- Why do you ask, Stuart Hample?
- W... why is Oa... Oatis to sit
else... elsewhere?
What are you planning
at the th... theatre?
Well that's one thing you won't get
to know!
Bobo!
B... Bobo!
- You scoundrel, it's all your fault
that we ate up Mrs. Keletti!
- She's going to haunt you,
all ch... chewed up as she is!
Swing at him!
- Swing at him!
Damn it, swing at him, will you!!!
Calm down, Madame! Professor Somer
has managed greater miracles!
- Of course.
But how did it happen?
- A bit of bad luck.
He was combing his hair and...
- Hm, hm.
Can you save him?
- If he lived through this,
then certainly!
Will you please follow me, Madame,
this little stuttering trouble of yours
will be set right by my first assistant.
He's an expert on vocal chords.
It is all a matter of just
a few minutes, Madame.
Set the lights!
Vocal chords are no problem!
There is a total of fifteen
in the human being,
the squirrel only has two
and that explains why there is
such peace and quiet in a forest.
Excuse me.
You sure finished him off,
you boffin...!
Take care I don't make you
unemployed...!
- Poor little Molly,
she'll go out of her mind for grief!
- This means the premiere's off
and I've got a ticket...!
Take it away!
I th... think this could still be
settled some w... way or other!
W... wouldn't it be a pity of Molly
were to be done out of a hu... husband
and you out of your p... premiere!
- And what do you suggest?
Si... simple - give my brain
to S... Steiner
and put that o... one in he... here!
And what you would do in a man's body
I can't imagine, Mrs. Keletti!
I'm n... not the Ke... Keletti woman
at all!
It's me, S... Stuart Hample!
And this is veal!
You'll sa... save yourself having to do
another o... operation!
That lady is sure n... not to stutter!
Can you tell me,
why is it taking so long?
- Three and a half hours
isn't that long, Sir!
Finish this off!
How are you doing?
- Practically finished.
- And now breathe life into her!
I don't want to get
a slap for my trouble!
Don't you worry,
that was quite a different matter
when Mr. Hample was waking up to life.
Here we can assume
that this Mrs. Stubb was a lady,
and that she'll behave accordingly.
She'll be taken aback for a little
while... We must be tactful!
Come here, you with glasses!
So you feel like having it out
with the old Stubb girl?!
- Just you calm down, Mrs. Stubb!
Calm down, please!
Help me please!
Help me!
Do stop it, Mrs. Stubb!
He's a family man, has two children!
- No! No! No! No!
Pull yourself together!
Did you see that show
of sexual temperament,
that insatiable personality?
That must have been some bird!
- Is this possible?
- Just you calm down, Mrs. Stubb!
You have now become a young
famous actress,
your name is Evelina Keletti
and you're a widow.
- Evelina Ke...
...Evelina Keletti.
- Listen, do you have any
stage experience?
- Yeah.
- What sort of part?
- A toadstool.
When I was at kindergarten.
- And say you were now to play
the role of a Goddess
who slits people's throats in a Temple,
do you think you could manage?
- Close you eyes sweetie and slit!
- Well then, that's fine!
You can go and get dressed!
Open up the clamps!
That's right!
Excellent work.
- So we saved that young actress's
marriage.
- Yes. Only that now
she'll have an astrologer
for a husband
instead of a major.
- Won't she be surprised when she finds
that her husband knows a whole week
in advance what's to be for lunch.
- Or with whom she'll be having
an affair next year,
except that that'll be less pleasant
to know!
- For him or for her?
- Stop rattling on and breathe life
into the chap!
Finished!
Yes.
Well laddie, let's have a look at you!
Mind! It's fresh!
Where's M... Molly?
Listen, Stuart Hample,
I just realized
that you got yourself a really fine wife
and scot free!
Well, Steiner, are you all right?
- Y... yes.
- Excellent!
Mind you're at the theatre in time,
the King must disappear tonight
at any cost!
- I beg your pardon?
- But the King...
After all, it was your idea!
- General, Mrs...
...Keletti is perfectly all right
again.
But now it's Mr. Ham... er... Steiner
who's stuttering for a change.
- Never mind, Professor,
the main thing is he's alive!
Thank you!
Dear Evelina!
I'd like to take you home to your villa
now, if you'll permit me.
- Well knock me down
with a feather! I've even got
a house!
And who are you supposed to be?
Is this gold?
- The actress in you will out! -
That voice, that elocution!
- Elocution!
Elocution!
Listen,
who was that Stubb woman actually?
Good gracious, that's some barn!
- Barn!
Evelina, you're a treasure!
A treasure!
How many hidden facets your talent has!
- What does this guy want?
- Excuse me.
Before I leave the house
as the very last member
of its former staff,
I would like to tell you
one thing, General.
I know nothing of this woman -
but it is not she!
Your deceased husband's secretary was
evidently crazy!
- What if some damned fool barges in
on us again?
- No, no, no, my dearest!
We are alone at last!
- That's fine!
What about stretching out on the sofa?
- I beg your pardon?
- Lie down!
- Gladly! Evelina, gladly!
Come here, Evelina,
last time it was so madly...
...so madly thrilling!
Come, my angel, we'll be in paradise
in a minute!
- Sure thing!
Take that tie off so that I can get
at your neck!
My neck!
Ah, I adore that!
What's that - ticking?
Close you eyes, baby!
- My beloved!
Thi... thi... this is Hample,
Bobo!
Come to the th... theatre at once!
There are c... conspirators there!
But hu... hurry!
What is it?!
- How on earth are you driving?!
How on earth are you driving??!!
Ah, it's madam!
- Where's there a theatre round here?
I don't want to miss my cue -
I'm to slit some people's throats!
Show me!
- You're right in front of the theatre!
- That?
- Hey! Hey!
Miss Molly...
...or I should say Mrs. Steiner,
your husband called - he's quite
all right again, and he'll be coming!
- Thank you.
- She'll be my ruin!
But when that Keletti comes I'll...
- Here she is!
- Hell!
Stinking hell!
- I was just saying that I was worried
you wouldn't be coming!
- I'd have to be daft to miss
such an opportunity!
Hey, don't touch!
No sign of the stutter!
But I think you have a slightly lower
timbre.
So this is what I'm supposed to use
to finish the people with?
- Listen, do hurry up
or you'll come on late! You'll miss it!
- Your shoes!
- Look, kitty, I'll miss you...
Joking apart, Evelina! And do hurry,
we're starting in a minute! Right?
Where's Oatis?
- I have no idea, Your Highness.
But he'll be sure to arrive
for the performance,
he wouldn't miss Mrs. Keletti's
performance for the world today!
They became engaged today!
- Engaged to Oatis, that idiot?
- That's how it is, Your Highness.
That woman belongs
to the psychiatric ward
not on stage!
Where do I find this bird?
- On stage.
- Just a tick!
Where's that?
- Over there.
So what?
- The column, it was there yesterday!
- Really, and where?
- Here it is!
Come on, chaps!
Come here!
In that place where you say "The hour
of your death has arrived!"...
- Yeah!
- ... draw out the pause, will you!
And what's the ticking noise?
- You'd do better to tell me
whose throats I'm to slit!
Or doesn't it matter?
- How can you be in the mood
for joking now? Really!
Go on!
Madame...
- Now?
You dare spit at me,
you pig!
Let us turn to God, dear friends!
This is the end!
- I fear the worst,
I have a feeling that John is dead!
- No, John!
Dear God, you mustn't die!
- Molly!
- If you are dead,
I want to die with you!
- That John is evidently hidden
inside that column!
My goodness, how naive!
- Quiet!
Here they come!
The sun has hidden its countenance
behind mount Yve!
- What?
- The hour of your death has arrived!
You shall die!
- Me? Bullshit!
Thirsty!
Now you're supposed to say
"You shall die!", madam!
- Ah!
You shall die, Madame!
- No!
- Ha, you wait and see!
You're in for a eye - opener, Missy!
- An interesting conception...
- Very informal.
- You mean to sacrifice us
to your Gods...
- Curtain!
- Reconsider!
- Enough!
Curtain!
- Stop screaming at me, you poor sap!
- Great Ra,
the Sun God, thirsts for your blood.
- That's good!
- He is also the God of Rainfall!
- What does he send down?
I see.
In return for your blood
he will send down rain
to dampen our ever- thirsting land!
Stop gaping and get some beer!
I thought this takes place in Egypt!
- Maybe the stage director wanted
to express some new thought this way!
- Hardly.
What did the tickets cost us?
- Nothing.
- And a good job, too.
- Long live good old England!
- Stop!
Goodbye, friends!
- Let us proudly stand
and bear the thrust of the blade.
- Ah!
Not a drop of blood will be...
Wasted!
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Hi, Koko!
- You... chump!
You...!
- Koko!
Come on, come on...!
Don't be stupid! Don't be stupid!!!
Excuse us.
- Koko, come on climb out
of that drum,...
- But then it's not so bad as a comedy.
- It's supposed to be a tragedy,
Your Highness!
Out of the way!
- John!
- What's up?
- Untie her!
- Not blooming likely!
- You'll die too,
and you'll be the first to die!
- Oh, that one?
Come on, puss!
- Untie those ropes!
- Come along!
Throw that stuff away!
There's a neck for you!
Oh! Maestro!
Close your eyes, sweetie!
- But Mrs. Keletti,...
Good!
But a bit naturalistic.
Didn't I say the woman is crazy?!
She slit his throat
as if it were a chicken!
Gugenhaim's dead, start out on plan "B"!
Lights!
Lights!
Where are we going chaps?
Your Highness is all right?
- The King had disappeared!
- They've abducted him!
- Don't panic!
Don't panic!
- Let me go!
That old hen in the hole down there
said he's to die first!
So why did you drag me down here
in the first place?
You... goons!
Are you all dumb or what?
Hey!
- Just a moment, you are?
- The sixth infantry regiment
from Ivancice.
The King is at the given spot!
- P... pardon?
- Plan "B" has come off!
- What... what is "plan B" supposed
to be? I've f... forgotten.
- But that was your idea!
The King is now...
Where is the King?!
- D... don't be a nut, Bobo!
I'm S... Stuart!
And I was ju... just about to be to...
...told where the Ki... King is!
- Sorry!
But how was I to know
that you... er... moved again?
- I f... forgot to te... tell you!
- Robert!
Robert!
- Aren't you a lucky guy!
Listen, actually Molly has both
Steiner and you now!
- The s... stars don't lie, Bobo!
- We're together at last!
Ale you glad?
- Te... terribly glad!
The only thing I'd still like to know is
"what plan "B" means!"
- You're an astrologer, aren't you...!
An explosion, a bed!
An explosion...
A bed!
This is terrible!
- But why is it terrible?
- But...
A b... bed! Do understand!
- Darling!
What is it?
"- Plan "B"!"
"- What do you mean, plan "B", "
these are somebody's feet!
There's a man in there!
- Q... quick!
- Your Highness!
- Your Highness!
- What idiot put me under the sheets?
Am I a hot water bottle or something!
- Your Highness! Are you all right?
- I suppose this was some conspiracy
again.
Are you involved in this,
Steiner?!
- I... I'm not S... S...
- Stop stuttering!
What's the time?
We mustn't miss the fireworks!
- Wh... what fireworks?
- At midnight - to celebrate
the disbanding of my army.
Flags, cannons banging,
a hundred and twenty bands!
The money! And the pla... plane ticket
for South America! You promised!
- Listen, Mrs. Keletti...
- Shut up and look here,
if you don't mean to pay up
all I have to do is whistle! -
Koko's waiting under the window!
- She escaped from a loony- bin!
- Come on then?!
Well, how long do I have to wait?!
You said I was to fix one bloke,
didn't you...
Well, I fixed two. -
Two!
- Mrs. Keletti, you and I have finished!
- Leave me alone you old geezer!
- That's the Ki... King,
Mrs. S... Stubb!
- Mrs. Stubb?
Have you all gone mad?
Hush! There's something ticking
in here again!
- Hush!
That's...
Koko!
- Steiner!
- Robert!
- Stuart!
- Robert!
I hope she had a parachute,
Steiner!
Your Hi .. Highness,
I'm no... not...
The fireworks!
You wait, you bitch,
I'll pull you apart!
The end
Starring
You're a widow, mister!
Story and screenplay by
Merited artist
Featuring
and others
Assistant Director
Cameraman
Deputy head of production
Continuity
Costumes designed by
Wardrobe by
Make-up
Properties
Music by
Recorded by
Lyrics to theme song by
Performed by
Film Editor
Sound Editor
Sets designed by
Head of Production Team
Director of Photography
Directed by
Made at the Barrandov Film Studios
Processed at the Prague Film
Laboratories
Your Highness, the plane
with His Highness Oscar XV
is just landing.
- Do I give the impression
that I'm blind?
You seem incapable of cutting out
these monkey trick...
This impertinence mustn't get
into the papers!
See to it, Steiner!
- Yes, Sir.
Mind Out!
The kissing's over,
now come the handshakes.
General Oatis.
- But the Prime Minister and I
know each other.
- Gentlemen,...
But this is...
- Evelina Keletti
and her husband, the tycoon.
- Yes, of course I know you, I saw
your last film,
The Bath-Tub on the Terrace.
You played the title role, didn't you?
- Do you mean to maintain
that Madame Keletti played the bath-tub,
dear Cousin?
You two are Cousins?
- All men are brothers,
and all Kings are Cousins,
Madame Keletti.
- Oh, I see.
Present arms!
Sorry!
You and your monkey tricks!
This is the outcome...!
- Your Highness...
- Silence!
I have a great idea.
I shall abolish the army!
But Your Highness...
- Silence!
You are a public danger!
Today you crippled a man
and this is only a show.
What would you be up to
if war broke out...
When did it happen?
- Seventeen minutes ago.
- I said size three and you hand me
you... head-in-the-clouds!
Take care I don't make you unemployed!
- Professor!
- Yes, Your Highness.
- Can one salute with this thing?
- Of course, and it even has
one great advantage:
no nerves!
Even should a mule kick you,
you wouldn't feel a thing!
- That's fine!
- Keep him amused!
The early morning edition,
Your Highness.
- Rosebud IV is disbanding his army!
Oscar XV... and artificial hand made
by Professor Somer!
It's in the papers already!
- That's quite normal, Your Highness.
The "Tempo" always knows in advance
what's going to happen!
RUM
Stuart, the editor-in-chief wants
a horoscope made out
for that new singer,
is it ready yet?
- She's going to be terribly po...
popular next year.
- Surely not!
Is she such a talent then?
- No, but she'll be giving birth
to sextuplets!
Come in.
Bobo!
I s... say, man,
I haven't seen you f... for ages!
- Stuart, I got the sack.
- Well, ha... hacking off an arm...
- But I didn't do it on purpose!
- Wha... what can I do for you?
- Look here, please look
into those charts of yours,
about what's going to happen to me, see.
That's no problem for you, is it?!
- Well then, quick, your date of birth!
What have devised, Steiner?
- It's going to happen
tomorrow afternoon.
The lift cable's going to snap,
up on the fourth floor.
And the safety lock won't be working.
- There now, and no disbanding
of the army!
- I have worked out the time table
for the festive ceremony to inaugurate
the new government!
- We haven't won yet!
Some dreadful things have come out,
Bobo! Ah, now I understand!
I'm to be killed!
- And I?
- You're going to s... save my life!
- Me?
- Yes.
You'll take up your trade again.
But I keep butting into the picture.
This has got me flummoxed!
We're probably jo... joining forces!
- You and me? Together?
- Yeah. I'm to become a widow.
A widow twice over.
And then I'm to marry Molly.
- Molly Adams?
You mean to say you love her?
- Yes.
I'm to marry her
and... her husband too.
- You mean a sort of group-marriage?
We wouldn't get the permit!
- The stars don't lie, Bobo!
- Stuart, you're to report
at the Royal Palace immediately!
I don't believe in horoscope much,
but you sure hit it off with that hand.
I'm really curious,
after all, one doesn't abolish an army
more than once in a lifetime,
so I hope there won't be
any complications.
What will you have now, Mr. Hample?
Tea with rum.
Well, what have you worked out?
- I say, don't keep interrupting him!
- Now then, that's enough!
I've had enough of your incessant
rebukes!
What I really can't understand, Cousin,
is that how a man of your disposition
wants to disband his army!
You have a contentious temperament!
- You'd do better to mind
your own business! You hand's burning.
Damn it!
What do they make these things of?
- That's made of a foot.
- A foot?
- I stepped onto a red-hot poker once
and there was the same bad smell.
- Your Hi... Highness!
I've g... got it!
But it's very dr... dreadful!
- You want to terrify me?
- A co... co... conspiracy!
- Or put me to sleep?
- A co... conspiracy a...
...and an attempt on your life.
Some... something to do with the lift,
and the f... fourth floor!
- A conspiracy? An attempt to be made
on my life? And who's to make it?
Tel Oatis and that Steiner chap
to come here!
Your tea!
- Thank you.
- And how's it all going to end?
- We... well, un... unless
they kill you.
- Original!
- General Oatis, Your Highness,
and Major Steiner.
Oatis, there are preparations
under way for a conspiracy
and an attempt on my life.
It's to take place in the lift,
according to my information.
- That's impossible!
Who told you, Your Highness?
- Mr. Hample, here.
The astrologer from the "Tempo"!
The s... stars don't lie, General!
- See that we don't become
a laughing-stock!
I shall inform parliament, anyway.
You may go!
That astrologer guy must disappear!
That's task no.1!
- Yes, Sir!
- No, John!
Dear God, you mustn't die!
- I say, why the hysterics?
- You go and mind your cannon!
- Who's playing John?
- That slightly idiotic friend of yours,
the stick-in-the-mud.
- Really, Gugenheim's not as bad
as all that...
- They ought to mummify him
so that he doesn't rot in that mud.
And do you know what's happening
on the first night?
- Hm. A dress rehearsal.
- Mr. Steiner gets married
to Miss Molly Adams!
- But I've told you that I don't want
to get married!
- Oh you do, but you're too shy
to say so.
We'll invite five to six people:
Evelina, stage director Brant,
that Oatis of yours, my neighbour...
- Hample? That astrologer?
- Yes.
He's a terribly nice man!
He loves me, he mends my fuses
and he brings me fresh bread rolls...
Anyway, why, can't I ask
whom I like?
- Yes, of course, and see you ask
somebody who'll marry you!
- Oh but Robert...
Now then, do you love me of don't you?!
- I'm really not in the mood today!
- Evelina!
- G... good afternoon.
I want to t... talk to you, if I may.
- Can't it wait, Mr. Hample?
- No... it's... it's about...
...about the wedding!
- So you know?
- The stars told me!
Ho... how do you know?
- But what?
- That... we're going to get
ma... married!
- What do you mean, we?!
I'm marrying Mr. Steiner!
- Ah, I see, ye... yes, that's...
That's correct.
We'd live together, all three of us!
- Can you please tell me
how you imagine that would work
in practice?
- To tell you the truth,
I thought it a bit odd too...
...but it's what the s... stars say
and th... they don't lie!
- Per... perhaps we'll all get on well
to... together.
Molly!
Will you come and help these people,
they're looking for a certain
Mr. Hample!
- Can I help you?
- You're that fortune-teller guy?
Called Hample?
- Ye... yes.
Our Colonel would like to know
if his wife'll be having a boy
or a girl.
I'm sorry, I...
Is that him?
Sorry! But you s... said...
...that I'm to find out what...
what... what... what's to be born!
- Nothing's to be born,
on the contrary, if you ask me!
Tie him up so he doesn't dodge about!
- So that was just a j... joke,
about th... the baby?!
- I don't get it, he's so calm!
Like blooming calf!
You see I know that my fr... friend's
co... coming, to save my li... life.
Sure thing...!
Some spares, Your Highness.
- Delightful. Thank you.
- Hope it keeps fine for you, Oscar!
- Couldn't you lend me
that Hample bloke for a few days?
I'm preparing some proposals
for parliament.
- The astrologer?
Of course.
- I'm sorry, but that won't be possible,
Your Highness.
Poor Hample passed on yesterday.
Something fell on his head.
- Hample is dead?
Don't do that in my presence, you know
that I can't bear the sight of blood!
- Sorry!
- I want to say this:
I got you out of a hole...
...but under one condition!
That it's kept under our hats!
- But Major, I'm a soldier,
I know all about top secrets!
Steiner, see they bring that Hample's
charts and maps to my flat -
I'm an antique collector.
- And have you verified it?
It's unbelievable!
Thank you.
The Neurology Institute has just asked
for the brain of that Hample chap!
- The brain of an astrologer of genius,
General. -
They'll preserve it in alcohol.
- Bravo! Gentlemen...
- Hample is dead
and now nothing will stand in our way!
- Only after that prophecy of Hample's
not even a mouse can slip
through to the King!
- I would take it upon me to propose
a certain plan.
- Go on.
- It has one disadvantage. -
It's too expensive!
- Never mind.!
We have the State Treasury
at our disposal...
- There is one person
who is received by the King
at any time of the day or night.
Evelina Keletti.
- But she won't murder the King!
- She will!
The permit to enter prison hospital.
- Ah yes, Mrs. Stubb!
This way.
She got the noose, but she's damned
lucky- she's dying - her liver!
About two more weeks and that's the end!
Here it is.
She's just got a visitor.
Can't you give up!
And you'll have to pay for that ball!
And this is what you would look like,
Mrs. Stubb!
- Jesus! Crikey!
- Just a mo!
I've seen that woman somewhere.
Show me! Damn you!
- Don't you touch it!
Well, Mrs. Stubb?
Hm...?
- Why ask?
Of course I will!
- Well really, Fanny,
surely I have something to say too!
Because if she's going to look like
this bird,
then I'll be wanting my bit of fun!
- And what would you be wanting
to do with me, you good-for-nothing!
- Hm...
Just normal like...
- Poor fool.
- I don't want to deny you a thing,
Mr. Bloom.
You can come any time you like.
Holy mackerel that dope gets
on my nerves!
- Steiner...
- But it's my own fault!
I botched it when I slit his throat.
- I beg your pardon?
- Well, show the gent you scar!
- The one where you botched it
when you tried to slit my throat.
- Yeah. Here.
And what about those other cases?
- My husband I bashed up
with a frying pan.
- You're a widow?
- Yeah. A widow.
And then there was
the forest ranger,...
...the organist and the bartender.
Four murders in all,
all sadistic.
I just said "Close your eyes,
sweetie-pie!" and slit!
Blood, that's my hobby, and gold, too!
You also stole, Mrs. Stubb?
- Yeah!
Like this.
Was it gold?!
- It was.
- Just imagine, Mr. Strauss,
that's how she pinched
a golden ladle this big,
in one of the museums!
Boy, did we have a time
trying to get it out afterwards.
I covered you that time,
at the museum, what?
- What about popping out
for a glass of rum Mr. Bloom?!
- Well, yeah, I could do that.
And I'll bring back
a drop for you too,
Fanny girl.
Mrs. Stubb, would you be capable
of killing just anybody?
- If it's a man...
- It'll be a man, Mrs. Stubb!
- It will it?
- And then you'll get a heap of money,
a plane ticket to South America,
and you can live it high!
But one other thing!
They said you'd last another two weeks,
but can't wait that long, Mrs. Stubb!
Come here!
Stick these labels onto these two boxes.
On the left, that's the astrologer
Hample, on the right the Stubb woman.
Send the left box
to the neurology institute,
take the right hand box personally
to Professor Somer's clinic.
There are brains inside those boxes,
take care you don't mix them up!
- The left to the neurology institute,
the right to Somer!
- To Professor Somer!
Right, the left to the neurology
institute, the right to Somer!
- Are you Somer?
Well O.K., Professor then.
I've brought the brain,
that Stubb woman's brain.
Would you please sign for it?
- I say, that's some brain!
You didn't get it mixed up
with another one, or something?!
- Well, really...!
- Let's hope not...!
- Professor...
- You are a tormentor, Professor!
- One must suffer for the sake
of beauty, madam.
- You certainly haven't suffered much
in that respect, Professor!
It's setting!
- Well, yes...
Would you kindly close your eyes?
- Yes.
We'll prise you out of your shell
in a few minutes' time!
Didn't she find it fishy?
- No. Thanks.
I told her it was a new face
and body mask.
And the mould is complete.
But anyway, why all this secrecy?
- She's to shoot
some dangerous sequences
and wants to do it herself,
without a stand-in.
The King is naturally worried
and has ordered a double to be made.
- Yes, I understand,
the sequences will just
have to be filmed without her knowledge.
- Yeah.
- But if it's such a top secret,
I can't very well ask for normal...
...that is to say human, material.
Is there any other possibility?
You can make your choice, the body can
either be made up of veal or of pork.
So. What are you staring at?!
A beauty parlour, see!
Who did the stomach?
- I did, Sir.
- I could have guessed!
What on earth made you put in
a rumen, third stomach, and maw?!
She'd ruminate, you somnambulist!
Take care I don't make you unemployed!
Put it right!
She must have been really brainy,
Professor!
Look at this, it's as big
as a man's brain...
- Yes, I noticed that, too.
- And who was this Mrs. Stubb?
- I don't know, but in any case
she must have been a woman
of quite unusual intelligence.
- Evidently had great acting talent.
- Well that doesn't signify
great intelligence!
- If she's to play double
to Evelina Keletti...
- I beg your pardon?
There now. Finished!
Well, gentlemen...
I think that we can be satisfied,
gentlemen!
Fantastic!
- Perfect job!
Right down to the last freckle!
- Is she alive?
- We left that job for you.
You're going to breathe life
into the body, like God the Creator!
- I?
- Yes.
Consider it a little mark of favour.
Just like mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
H... h... how d... dare you?!
- Just normal, a bit of shock, that's
all. Look, how beautifully she stutters!
Who did the vocal chords?
- I did.
- Take care I don't make you unemployed!
Well, Mrs. Stubb, you're back
on this earth!
- How come how come
I've g... got this?
Where on earth did a chap
like me get this?
Chap... Chap...
You're a woman and we don't expect
much logic, but surely, Mrs. Stubb?
- Do... don't call me Mrs. Stubb!
And g... go away, how can you bother
a chap in this st... state of undress!
- Chap?
Come now, get hold of yourself.
Get used to it O.K.!
Never mind, you'll settle down in time.
- And what are you doing here,
S... Steiner?
- There now, you know this gentleman,
don't you? Your memory's coming back!
You've got some clothes for her.
There's a spare wig over there.
It'll be better if we leave,
she needs quiet.
Lots of luck, Mrs. Stubb.
- I'm no M... Mrs. Stubb.
They killed me, didn't they!
- They had meant to hang you,
but you died of your own accord
at the prison hospital, Mrs. Stubb.
- Holy mackerel!
Will you stop it!
And these w... will have to go
t... too!
After all, I'm no woman!
- Oh yes you are,
take a good look!
- But...
But this is E... Evelina Keletti!
What is this supposed to mean,
S... Steiner?!
- Well then I'll explain all over
again.
You're Fanny Stubb,
the widow of Ignatius Stubb...
- What?
A widow? I'm a wi... widow?
- But of course you're a widow!
- Well in that c... case
ev... everything's O.K.
- That's fine then!
- If I'm a widow
then I must h... have these too.
Widows do.
Well, c... continue!
- And now, Mrs. Stubb,
why have we given you back your life...
You are now going to undertake
your fifth murder.
- Right.
- What?
What? I'm to ki... kill somebody?
- But of course.
The King!
You said:
"As long as it's a man...!
B...
- Never mind him, that's the cook.
What is it, Bobo?
- Some man's waiting downstairs.
Such a...
- Just a moment, Mrs. Stubb!
Excuse me, Mrs. Stubb!
- One minute!
- Good evening.
- That's better! Well, I've come,
that was our agreement...
- Ah yes.
You're quick, aren't you!
Well, never mind. At least Mrs. Stubb
won't be bored tonight...
This way.
Well now, isn't this a surprise,
Mrs. Stubb?
Come, come, come, come!
- Christ, Fanny
you're a sight for sore eyes!
Who's that?
- Oh but you know him very well,
Mrs. Stubb.
Just as soon as you remember!
I'll lend you a pair of pyjamas!
- What's that?
- Pyjamas.
- Oh, I see.
- But I don't want to stay here
w... with him!
- No wild orgies, mind,
the chef's bedroom is below!
You can burn those pyjamas
in the morning!
- G... go a... away!
- Stop stuttering and take off
those glad rags!
I said take off those glad rags!
Did you hear, you so-and-so!
When you were an old nag
I was good enough, what?
And now I'm not to touch you, what?
- St... stop pawing me about,
you p... pig!
- You're so choosy all of a sudden!
Look...
Well.
Look here! Got a pail?
- There's w... water in there.
- Now then, come on!
Where's that pail then?!
Fanny, what's this hissing noise?
What sort of stupid joke is this?
Cripes!
What son-of-a-bitch
thought up this?
Ha, just look at the bright laddie -
fresh out of Sing-Sing!
You...
You damned old moll!
A cell all over again, or what?
You think you can get away
with dousing decent people
and thingummy...
Open up, will you! Open up,
I'm no chick,
I've got out of a different kind
of cell in my time!
I'll show you...!
- As you like - I don't feel anything.
Hm.
Like a couple of animals!
We won't be getting much sleep tonight!
- Let's hope
he doesn't break her or something!
- It's young, fresh veal.
- Now I'll show you who's master!
- How do you do, I'm H... Hample!
- Just a mo! Look here, you bitch,
I'll tear you apart I will! You...
...you old duffer!
I'll set that new trap of yours
back into shape, you...
Bobo!
Bobo!
- You're b... bats, B... Bobo!
Stop it!
You've had one sp... spot of trouble
with that s... sword already!
I'm S... Stuart!
Do you re... remember when I told you
I'd become a wi... widow?
Well, h... here we are!
- Wha... what - Stuart?
- I'll explain!
What goings-on!
That's no villa, that's a brothel!
- But Alfred, Steiner is a young man
full of temperament...
And I'm to open negotiations with such
rake about a real estate sale...!
You should warn that Molly of yours,
so that she knows she's marrying!
- Love is love...
Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Stop! What a bit of luck!
- I beg your pardon...!
- Come here, I'll tear you apart
and chop you up, I will!
- Alfred!
- Alfred!
She's got an Alfred now...!
- Alfred!!!
- What's going on here?!
- So you've got a new guy again?!
Fast worker, you are!
- Away with you my man
or I'll have you arrested this minute!
- You take care old chap,
I've got some right to this bird too!
For five years I rounded up
all the fancy jobs for her,
and I sat in the clink in her place,
too!
And she's suddenly gone hoity-toity
on me!
- Police!
Police!!!
- I'm coming, Mr. Keletti!
Get out, you scoundrel! There!
- You wait, Fanny, I'll beat up
that freckled fanny of yours for you!
You...!
Freckled...
You undressed in front of this man?
- Well, really, Alfred...!
- I can see that you haven't told me
everything by far about your past!
- Don't be disgusting!
Where now, Mr. Keletti?
- First to the bank
and then about that real estate
to that...
...Steiner's!
- Yes, Mr. Keletti.
- The sun has hidden its countenance
behind the bulk of Mount Yve!
The hour of your death has arrived!
- Stop!
Stop! That's enough!
Christ, Gugenheim, what are there for?!
- Well really, I thought...
- Oh I see, you thought?
But you never think, so will you kindly
not break that rule at least!
What are you doing
after the rehearsal?
- I've got a date with the King.
- Listen, Evelina, be a dear and invite
the King to my wedding, will you?
You see...
- Why not ask him yourself?
I'll arrange a royal audience for you.
- Well, shall we continue!
Start again from "Goodbye, friends!"!
- Goodbye, friends!
Long live good old England!
- Let not a drop of blood be wasted!
John!
- Untie them!
- No!
You will die too. And first!
Stop!
Who put the live ammo in there?!
Props, here to me!
Listen, you, I'll have you arrested!
Do you know what could have happened?!
How are you feeling, Madame?
- Evelina!
- Are you all right?
- He... he cou... could have
ki... killed me!
- Shock!
I think that means we've finished
for today!
Damn it!
- He said you're not to get close
to the window!
And not to out into the garden
before nightfall.
I say, isn't this wrong or something?
Yes, that's better!
That looks more like it.
- And wha... what do I do with this,
B... Bobo?
- I don't know, I'm not a girl!
And I only studied
at the Military Academy.
Got a s... safety-pin?
- Yeah.
Doesn't that hurt?
- No.
H... how do we work it t... tonight?
- As soon as Steiner locks everything up
and goes into his bedroom,
I'll get a ladder up,
you climb down and we'll disappear.
- You... you're running away
wi... with me, Bobo?
- Yeah. I don't want to have
anything more to do with Steiner.
- Bobo!
- Lo... look here,
don't do that... get away from me!
- D... don't be idiotic!
This is nothing
but a hun... hundredweight
of v... veal!
- That's just the thing, and I'm a chef!
I'll brush it out for you!
Put that thing out!
Quick!
My name is Keletti.
- Mr. Steiner is... not...
- Show me those clothes!
- Oh no, you'd soil you hands,
they're messy and crushed!
- Thank you, I've seen quite enough!
- Peggy! Peggy!
Just imagine Alfred,
I made a great buy today!
Isn't it beautiful?
You gave the servants the day off?
Why?
- Wait and you'll see why.
Where have you been?
Ah, what a day this has been...
Nothing but excitements
and thrills all day long!
- Really?! But I can see
that your clothes are cleaned up!
The thrills you experienced on the floor
or directly on the dung-heap?!
- What are you saying, Alfred?
- You tell me!
Tell me of the fun you had with Steiner!
Who is better, that stinking tramp
who knows all about your freckles,
of Steiner, who wipes his feet on you?!
I haven't been to Steiner's flat
in my life!
- That you have! And naked!
- Why are you so offensive?
You know that I'm incapable of lying!
- You...
You...
You... incapable of lying?!
You snake-in-the-grass!
Ouch!
- Alfred, did you hurt yourself?
My conscience is as pure as fallen snow!
- You unscrupulous monster!
You tramp's concubine!
What's the matter with him?
- Nothing.
- Come along home!
- Don't do that, Mr. Keletti!
- You there, kick that chair away,
will you!
Don't do it!
We should have that repaired,
Mr. Keletti. It could kill somebody!
Take that chair away
or you're fired without notice!
- But it's quite unnecessary,
Mr. Keletti!
- I have killed my wife, I want to die!
- That woman looks the very image
of your late wife...
- What do you mean by that?
- Well. If we manage to lure her
in here, you'll be in the clear!
I've got a ladder ready, Mr. Keletti!
- A ladder?
- You can depend on me!
Do you see the likeness?
- Stuart, listen, that's settled,
right?
I'll come and get you
through the window.
Damn it, stop smoking! -
What if he walked in here...
- Hell!
Will you kindly not do this!
But its so ho... hot in here.
- You'll be paying a visit
to the King tomorrow.
You'll be given your directions
and the knife in the morning.
Good night!
- These damn si... silly tricks
of yours, Bobo?! Bo... Bobo!
Stuart!
Stuart!
Where are you, damn it all?
Steiner's fast asleep.
Come along, we've got to go!
- ... men have more resistance.
But if you give a woman a good sniff,
she doesn't wake up
until she's in kingdom come!
- What do you mean "kingdom come"?
- Obvious.
We'll turn on the gas!
And in the morning the whole world
will hear that you wife
committed SUICIDE...
And you'll be a widower,
but not a murderer!
- Thank you. I'll never forget
what you've done for me!
Where on earth did that Steiner
find such a perfect duplicate?!
Poor girl! Now she'll find the corpse.
Is there anything wrong?
There must be -
Madam wants her tea with rum!
Excuse me.
Do please have a little understanding
for our jobs!
Please don't be angry, but the public
wants to be kept informed.
Wants to know how Mrs. Keletti
is feeling.
- After that shock she received
yesterday at the theatre!
- Excuse me, gentlemen!
Could I talk to her?
Impossible! My wife isn't...
...isn't quite herself this morning!
- I quite understand.
I was present when it happened
at the theatre yesterday.
But... Please understand I must
talk to her! The premiere's approaching!
I'm telling you for the last time
that she's unconscious
and that I refuse to let you in!
Excuse me... - Madame for the "Tempo".
- For the "Express"!
- Madam, don't forget
the premiere!
She didn't even recognize me! -
It's more serious than I thought.
She take my car!
- Follow her!
I heard that you have suffered
a bad shock, madam.
- Th... that's not im... important
just now!
- Of course.
Of course.
Well, and what would you be willing
to pay for those maps?
- A... anything.
- Surely not anything?!
Anything I may ask for?
- Everything.
- But for a man of my temperament
that can mean but a single thing,
madam...
This body of mine is not of fir...
...first-rate importance to me.
- But it is to me!
I've been longing for you for years!
I dream of you!
- No... no kissing!
- My word, that's substantial underwear
you're wearing my dear...!
How does one take them off?
- I d... don't know!
And interesting model!
Who's the visitor?
- Some reporter.
It's nothing but work, work, work
at our place Gerti.
Ah...!
A bit of masochist, what?
Do y... you like ve... veal?
- Why?
- Nothing. Just a question.
We'll talk later,
O.K.?
I haven't experienced such a thrill
for years, madam!
No, Gerti, that doesn't matter a bit,
even if he is working!
Omar would never forgive you
for not dropping in.
This way.
- Oh!
- Ugh, Omar!
You should be ashamed of yourself!
This is the end between you and me!
- Who's that?
- Don't you pretend that you
don't know me, you... You slut!
- Here she is!
Come on in, quick!
- Dear God, Mary,
we must be sensible!
- Sensible?!
- Couldn't you at least put on
your clothes?
We must keep this quiet, Mary!
My career's at stake!
- Keep it quiet you may,
but it means an end to my love!
- Keep it quiet you may,
but it means an end to my love!
- ... an end to my love.
- Oh!
- General! Words fail me...!
- What do you all want in here?!
Out, immediately!!!
- Excuse me, but I've got a press card!
Your wife has just broken up my home!
- Oh madam, I wouldn't take it
as hard as all that!
You know that these artists have
a different sort of set of morals -
they are like birds.
- Bu... but the ma... maps are mine
now, aren't they?
- How's that?
How's that?
- But you... you un... undressed me!
- But you know that we didn't
get as far as...
- Well then everybody go a... away,
so that he can undress me!
- Oh!
- This is unbelievable!
- You see Madame Keletti
is an antiques collector
and she wanted... My maps.
- I wouldn't take it so hard!
- Nor I!
- You know these collectors...
They have a different set of morals -
like the worker-bee. Isn't that right?
- How could you make such shameless use
of my wife's passionate nature?!
I'm no... no wife of y... yours!
He wanted to turn the ga... gas on me!
- Please don't forget
that she has experienced a shock!
You must convince her that she's
your wife! Otherwise - prison for you!
- But of course she's my wife!
This will mean a duel!
- A duel! Oh!
- You overdid that!
- You see, Omar, a duel!
Because of some maps...
- Well, do I get undressed or...
- Christ, no!
Dear God, do understand my situation...
- Be quiet! This is the end
between the two of us!
Gerti will be my witness at court!
- Mary,...
- At court? Oh!
- Why take it to court, madam?!
Why break up a family,
the very foundation of society?
Look here, why don't you two
shake hands.
- I ne... need those ma... maps!
Come on, let's go into the next room,
maybe we'll manage to get these things
o... off if we join forces!
- Great God, that's enough!
You can keep those damned maps,
and get out!
Everybody out!
- We don't get out,
it's you who gets out!
You lecher!
The villa belongs to me!
After what has happened
I assume you must realize
that this can end only in one way-
catastrophe.
- We'll have to get rid of her-
the sooner the better!
Let her have those charts or she'll
tear the house down!
- We must set our plans very cleverly!
She's gone. Disappeared!
- This is a very dangerous situation!
- The woman's a notorious murderer!
If she kills someone, it'll be our end!
- They'll catch her and she'll blab!
- The King will disband the army
day after tomorrow!
And then he'll have it out with us!
Leave it!
Thank you, Steiner...!
- If he's dead he won't be able to have
anything out with us...!
I am willing to lay down my life
in this cause.
I shall break into his bedroom and...
- And, and, and, and... What?
- I know how this must be done!
I had been looking forward
to my wedding very much indeed,
gentlemen, but I am willing to sacrifice
anything for our cause!
My fianc?e Miss Molly Adams
has been granted an audience
with the King toady at one o'clock.
- But that means that she would die to!
- There's nothing to be done about that!
- Jesus Christ!
- That's the only possible solution.
- I... is that you, B... Bobo?
S... Stuart.
Wh... what's that you're saying?
Molly Adams?
No... no I don't understand you!
Listen carefully, Stuart!
They want to do Molly in,
do you understand?
The King and Molly!
I didn't hear the end.
But you're an astrologer, aren't you...?
Hm.
Explosion, wardrobe department.
Wardrobe...
One o'clock, explosion...
Bring me an aspirin
and a glass of water!
It'll be quite easy!
But how?
This is the way!
I'll be waiting downstairs
and you'll ask her in here.
I'll call her to the window
from the garden,
you'll have the kindness to step
on that loose parquet and that's that!
Death by misadventure!
- Let's hope it works out his time!
- We'll have to test the plan!
Hey, what are you doing there?!
Mr. Keletti!
Mr. Keletti!
- What is it?
- She's running away!
Just look up there, to your left!
- Hold her back!
Mr. Keletti...
Come along in, I'm just having a bath!
- Mo... Molly...
Come along into the bathroom,
don't stand out there in the hall!
I phoned your house a few minutes ago
and the secretary told me
that your husband had something wrong
with his head. Just a migraine, maybe?
- Yeah.
A migraine.
- Be a dear and scrub my back, will you?
- Yeah.
- I'm to be at the palace in an hour
and this is the state I'm still in...
I'm so nervous
that I'd much rather not go there
at all.
- Don't go! Do... don't go!
We... we'll stay here
and I... I'll gi... give you
your b... bath.
- Are you mad?! I had a new dress
made for the occasion...
Do you know what, why don't you go
and have a look at it?
- And what about he... here.
- No, thanks.
- And your t... tummy!
- That's enough!
Listen, what's wrong with you?!
- Go and take a look at that dress,
you're keeping me!
How am I to address the King, -
Your Highness or Your Royal Highness?
- You're no... not going to see
any King!
- Yes, I'm walking,
it's such a little way
it's not worth taking the car!
- No, I w... won't let you go!
- Why not? You arranged the audience
for me yourself!
- You're st... staying put!
- What on earth has got into you
today!
Surely you're not jealous now...?
Give me that key!
- No... no I w... won't!
- Evelina!
- There!
The jealous bitch!
Mind! Here they are!
Now!
Oh!
Can't you be more careful, man?!
Our apologies, madam!
We'll set this right this very minute.
The shoe!
When is it timed for...
- In five minutes.
Go!
Taxi!
Taxi!
What's the hurry, Fanny!
We've got something to settle first!
There now, now you won't run out on me,
you...
You bitch!
Wait! Wait!
Help! Help!
- Sorry.
- N... nothing happened! Taxi!
- Sorry!
I am quite exceptionally happy
to meet you.
Madame Keletti has often been
telling me about you.
She is as unusually wise
and witty young lady.
And I have a great respect
for her opi...
Don't you hear something ticking
by any chance?
- Le... let go! Le... let go!
Un... un... get undressed!
- I?
- Molly!
- M... Molly, get un... undressed!
Come here! Come here! Come here!
- Good heavens, Evelina...
Have you gone mad, God, are you crazy?!
- Y... your dr... dress! Wait!
- Leave me alone!
Madame Keletti...!
- Don't take my dress!
- Now the, Mrs. Keletti,...!
I know you want to please me.
But at such a price, surely...
The girl will catch cold!
- Dear God! Please turn round,
Your Highness!
- M... Molly, come on! Come on!
- Yes, of course.
Madame Keletti,
really this just will not do...!
Do realize what would happen
if the Prime Minister walked in...!
- Ouch!
- Molly!
- Mrs. Keletti! That's enough!
Listen, you must have been drinking!
Come here and brea...
- Excuse me!
Wh... whoops!
And what do I walk home in...?
- You went a bit far, this time,
Mrs. Keletti!
This get-up gives rather
a bad impression.
...you are our last hope!
The King will be disbanding the army
the day after tomorrow.
Anyway, they do say
that you're a better shot then actor!
- How dare you...!
- But I'd be capable of making you
the first tragedian in the land,
do you understand?! -
Othello, Hamlet, Romeo,...
...Picasso! Or manager of this theatre,
or Minister of Culture - anything!
- But a King, that's no small matter...!
Regicide...
- It won't be you,
it'll be the props man!
- What do you mean, the props man?
- You know what happened
at the rehearsal!
There'll be "misadventure" again -
a live bullet...!
Did you say theatre manager?
I thought she'd gone crazy!
And just imagine,
in the end she climbed over the balcony
in Mr. Hample's flat.
- Hample's flat?
Hm.
But how could Mrs. Keletti have know
what was afoot?
- She's rather queer nowadays
altogether.
- What do you mean, queer?
- She keeps looking at me
in such a moon-struck way...
And she stutters!
- What?!
- Miss Molly onstage!
- She stutters?
- But the king was wonderful!
Just imagine, he accepted my invitation
to attend our wedding!
Are you glad?
Bye-bye.
Professor Somer?
Steiner.
Would you be so kind as to borrow
the brain of astrologer Hample
from the neurology institute?
I am of the opinion
that the man's alive.
- You were right,
some error must have been made.
This is definitely a woman's brain!
The Stubb woman. Fanny Stubb.
All right then,
but where is Hample running around?
Don't you worry about that.
And that'll be the end of you,
Stuart Hample!
It's veal! - Surely we won't
throw it out...
Any way, do you know how much
such a wedding feast comes to?
- All right! In that case let's put
a veal joint on the menu...
And we can make soup of this.
- And what else?
- And then we could have
some veal knuckles,
or ragout, or aspic...
It's make a beautiful aspic!
Will you kindly step back, Major,
or you'll get blood all over you!
- Wait! You know that I can't
bear the sight of blood!
My God, your disposition, Man...
- Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Well! O.K.!
- My dr... dress, B... Bobo!
- Take it! There's your dress, take it!
Yeah.
Well. Wait - fasten this on!
As witness at the wedding
you have to have it.
Bon appetit!
- Thank you.
What a pity the King had to go away.
I heard that veal knuckles
are his favourite speciality.
- You seem to be in a marvellous mood
today, madam! Your health!
Hey!
Sorry.
- She's trying to forget the loss
her husband!
- I'm just as badly off in that respect
as you are, madam. There. -
All alone.
What do you say we both change our lives
from the very foundations?
What do you say to that?
- I... I'd sure need that...
...you don't know how!
- Cheers!
I'm really thinking of getting married
again!
I've made an appointment for you
this afternoon with Professor Somer
about that stuttering of yours.
He says he'll put you right by the time
the evening performance starts!
- Th... that makes me
a h... happy woman!
I shall be watching your performance
from the Royal box, dear Evelina!
- Maybe it would be better
if you were to sit elsewhere...!
- W... why should you sit
el... elsewhere?
- Oh that was just a little joke!
Do you remember what happened
when General Stollwerk got married?
- I heard that he got married
in a submarine
and that they ran out of air
in the middle of the marriage ceremony!
An editor once got married
in a balloon
and they le... left the I... load on.
When they were over the pond
they began to sink
and they h... had to throw out
the pri... priest!
You made that up, madam!
- No! No! No!
That happened to one of o... our staff
at the "Te... Tempo"!"
- You on the staff of the Tempo?
I know it was a joke!
- All actresses like making up stories,
don't they?
- Not only actresses!
Opera singers, soubrettes...!
Listen, man, you must have killed
the real Mrs. Keletti
for the wedding feast!
- Do you think so?
- This is the Hample guy!
- But then, in our line of business
things are different,
one soldier with too much imagination
can cause the whole regiment
to fall apart...!
- I personally do not have
any great faith in dreamers either.
But I do appreciate a bit of imagination
in women and in cooks.
You have an excellent chef,
Madame!
The ve... veal is delectable!
The fork slides into it like butter!
- I had meat prepared in this fashion
only once before in my life.
That was on Quadapulpo.
- But they are cannibals!
- Perhaps you are a cannibal
and don't even realize it!
Yes, Sir?
- You've got me into a fine mess,
my man!
We've just eaten a famous actress,
understand?!
And the General wanted to marry her!
- But he had three helpings!
- We're cannibals
and that's against the law!
- What do you mean to do?
- There's only one thing left for me
to do!
- Where are you go... going?
- Why do you ask, Stuart Hample?
- W... why is Oa... Oatis to sit
else... elsewhere?
What are you planning
at the th... theatre?
Well that's one thing you won't get
to know!
Bobo!
B... Bobo!
- You scoundrel, it's all your fault
that we ate up Mrs. Keletti!
- She's going to haunt you,
all ch... chewed up as she is!
Swing at him!
- Swing at him!
Damn it, swing at him, will you!!!
Calm down, Madame! Professor Somer
has managed greater miracles!
- Of course.
But how did it happen?
- A bit of bad luck.
He was combing his hair and...
- Hm, hm.
Can you save him?
- If he lived through this,
then certainly!
Will you please follow me, Madame,
this little stuttering trouble of yours
will be set right by my first assistant.
He's an expert on vocal chords.
It is all a matter of just
a few minutes, Madame.
Set the lights!
Vocal chords are no problem!
There is a total of fifteen
in the human being,
the squirrel only has two
and that explains why there is
such peace and quiet in a forest.
Excuse me.
You sure finished him off,
you boffin...!
Take care I don't make you
unemployed...!
- Poor little Molly,
she'll go out of her mind for grief!
- This means the premiere's off
and I've got a ticket...!
Take it away!
I th... think this could still be
settled some w... way or other!
W... wouldn't it be a pity of Molly
were to be done out of a hu... husband
and you out of your p... premiere!
- And what do you suggest?
Si... simple - give my brain
to S... Steiner
and put that o... one in he... here!
And what you would do in a man's body
I can't imagine, Mrs. Keletti!
I'm n... not the Ke... Keletti woman
at all!
It's me, S... Stuart Hample!
And this is veal!
You'll sa... save yourself having to do
another o... operation!
That lady is sure n... not to stutter!
Can you tell me,
why is it taking so long?
- Three and a half hours
isn't that long, Sir!
Finish this off!
How are you doing?
- Practically finished.
- And now breathe life into her!
I don't want to get
a slap for my trouble!
Don't you worry,
that was quite a different matter
when Mr. Hample was waking up to life.
Here we can assume
that this Mrs. Stubb was a lady,
and that she'll behave accordingly.
She'll be taken aback for a little
while... We must be tactful!
Come here, you with glasses!
So you feel like having it out
with the old Stubb girl?!
- Just you calm down, Mrs. Stubb!
Calm down, please!
Help me please!
Help me!
Do stop it, Mrs. Stubb!
He's a family man, has two children!
- No! No! No! No!
Pull yourself together!
Did you see that show
of sexual temperament,
that insatiable personality?
That must have been some bird!
- Is this possible?
- Just you calm down, Mrs. Stubb!
You have now become a young
famous actress,
your name is Evelina Keletti
and you're a widow.
- Evelina Ke...
...Evelina Keletti.
- Listen, do you have any
stage experience?
- Yeah.
- What sort of part?
- A toadstool.
When I was at kindergarten.
- And say you were now to play
the role of a Goddess
who slits people's throats in a Temple,
do you think you could manage?
- Close you eyes sweetie and slit!
- Well then, that's fine!
You can go and get dressed!
Open up the clamps!
That's right!
Excellent work.
- So we saved that young actress's
marriage.
- Yes. Only that now
she'll have an astrologer
for a husband
instead of a major.
- Won't she be surprised when she finds
that her husband knows a whole week
in advance what's to be for lunch.
- Or with whom she'll be having
an affair next year,
except that that'll be less pleasant
to know!
- For him or for her?
- Stop rattling on and breathe life
into the chap!
Finished!
Yes.
Well laddie, let's have a look at you!
Mind! It's fresh!
Where's M... Molly?
Listen, Stuart Hample,
I just realized
that you got yourself a really fine wife
and scot free!
Well, Steiner, are you all right?
- Y... yes.
- Excellent!
Mind you're at the theatre in time,
the King must disappear tonight
at any cost!
- I beg your pardon?
- But the King...
After all, it was your idea!
- General, Mrs...
...Keletti is perfectly all right
again.
But now it's Mr. Ham... er... Steiner
who's stuttering for a change.
- Never mind, Professor,
the main thing is he's alive!
Thank you!
Dear Evelina!
I'd like to take you home to your villa
now, if you'll permit me.
- Well knock me down
with a feather! I've even got
a house!
And who are you supposed to be?
Is this gold?
- The actress in you will out! -
That voice, that elocution!
- Elocution!
Elocution!
Listen,
who was that Stubb woman actually?
Good gracious, that's some barn!
- Barn!
Evelina, you're a treasure!
A treasure!
How many hidden facets your talent has!
- What does this guy want?
- Excuse me.
Before I leave the house
as the very last member
of its former staff,
I would like to tell you
one thing, General.
I know nothing of this woman -
but it is not she!
Your deceased husband's secretary was
evidently crazy!
- What if some damned fool barges in
on us again?
- No, no, no, my dearest!
We are alone at last!
- That's fine!
What about stretching out on the sofa?
- I beg your pardon?
- Lie down!
- Gladly! Evelina, gladly!
Come here, Evelina,
last time it was so madly...
...so madly thrilling!
Come, my angel, we'll be in paradise
in a minute!
- Sure thing!
Take that tie off so that I can get
at your neck!
My neck!
Ah, I adore that!
What's that - ticking?
Close you eyes, baby!
- My beloved!
Thi... thi... this is Hample,
Bobo!
Come to the th... theatre at once!
There are c... conspirators there!
But hu... hurry!
What is it?!
- How on earth are you driving?!
How on earth are you driving??!!
Ah, it's madam!
- Where's there a theatre round here?
I don't want to miss my cue -
I'm to slit some people's throats!
Show me!
- You're right in front of the theatre!
- That?
- Hey! Hey!
Miss Molly...
...or I should say Mrs. Steiner,
your husband called - he's quite
all right again, and he'll be coming!
- Thank you.
- She'll be my ruin!
But when that Keletti comes I'll...
- Here she is!
- Hell!
Stinking hell!
- I was just saying that I was worried
you wouldn't be coming!
- I'd have to be daft to miss
such an opportunity!
Hey, don't touch!
No sign of the stutter!
But I think you have a slightly lower
timbre.
So this is what I'm supposed to use
to finish the people with?
- Listen, do hurry up
or you'll come on late! You'll miss it!
- Your shoes!
- Look, kitty, I'll miss you...
Joking apart, Evelina! And do hurry,
we're starting in a minute! Right?
Where's Oatis?
- I have no idea, Your Highness.
But he'll be sure to arrive
for the performance,
he wouldn't miss Mrs. Keletti's
performance for the world today!
They became engaged today!
- Engaged to Oatis, that idiot?
- That's how it is, Your Highness.
That woman belongs
to the psychiatric ward
not on stage!
Where do I find this bird?
- On stage.
- Just a tick!
Where's that?
- Over there.
So what?
- The column, it was there yesterday!
- Really, and where?
- Here it is!
Come on, chaps!
Come here!
In that place where you say "The hour
of your death has arrived!"...
- Yeah!
- ... draw out the pause, will you!
And what's the ticking noise?
- You'd do better to tell me
whose throats I'm to slit!
Or doesn't it matter?
- How can you be in the mood
for joking now? Really!
Go on!
Madame...
- Now?
You dare spit at me,
you pig!
Let us turn to God, dear friends!
This is the end!
- I fear the worst,
I have a feeling that John is dead!
- No, John!
Dear God, you mustn't die!
- Molly!
- If you are dead,
I want to die with you!
- That John is evidently hidden
inside that column!
My goodness, how naive!
- Quiet!
Here they come!
The sun has hidden its countenance
behind mount Yve!
- What?
- The hour of your death has arrived!
You shall die!
- Me? Bullshit!
Thirsty!
Now you're supposed to say
"You shall die!", madam!
- Ah!
You shall die, Madame!
- No!
- Ha, you wait and see!
You're in for a eye - opener, Missy!
- An interesting conception...
- Very informal.
- You mean to sacrifice us
to your Gods...
- Curtain!
- Reconsider!
- Enough!
Curtain!
- Stop screaming at me, you poor sap!
- Great Ra,
the Sun God, thirsts for your blood.
- That's good!
- He is also the God of Rainfall!
- What does he send down?
I see.
In return for your blood
he will send down rain
to dampen our ever- thirsting land!
Stop gaping and get some beer!
I thought this takes place in Egypt!
- Maybe the stage director wanted
to express some new thought this way!
- Hardly.
What did the tickets cost us?
- Nothing.
- And a good job, too.
- Long live good old England!
- Stop!
Goodbye, friends!
- Let us proudly stand
and bear the thrust of the blade.
- Ah!
Not a drop of blood will be...
Wasted!
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Hi, Koko!
- You... chump!
You...!
- Koko!
Come on, come on...!
Don't be stupid! Don't be stupid!!!
Excuse us.
- Koko, come on climb out
of that drum,...
- But then it's not so bad as a comedy.
- It's supposed to be a tragedy,
Your Highness!
Out of the way!
- John!
- What's up?
- Untie her!
- Not blooming likely!
- You'll die too,
and you'll be the first to die!
- Oh, that one?
Come on, puss!
- Untie those ropes!
- Come along!
Throw that stuff away!
There's a neck for you!
Oh! Maestro!
Close your eyes, sweetie!
- But Mrs. Keletti,...
Good!
But a bit naturalistic.
Didn't I say the woman is crazy?!
She slit his throat
as if it were a chicken!
Gugenhaim's dead, start out on plan "B"!
Lights!
Lights!
Where are we going chaps?
Your Highness is all right?
- The King had disappeared!
- They've abducted him!
- Don't panic!
Don't panic!
- Let me go!
That old hen in the hole down there
said he's to die first!
So why did you drag me down here
in the first place?
You... goons!
Are you all dumb or what?
Hey!
- Just a moment, you are?
- The sixth infantry regiment
from Ivancice.
The King is at the given spot!
- P... pardon?
- Plan "B" has come off!
- What... what is "plan B" supposed
to be? I've f... forgotten.
- But that was your idea!
The King is now...
Where is the King?!
- D... don't be a nut, Bobo!
I'm S... Stuart!
And I was ju... just about to be to...
...told where the Ki... King is!
- Sorry!
But how was I to know
that you... er... moved again?
- I f... forgot to te... tell you!
- Robert!
Robert!
- Aren't you a lucky guy!
Listen, actually Molly has both
Steiner and you now!
- The s... stars don't lie, Bobo!
- We're together at last!
Ale you glad?
- Te... terribly glad!
The only thing I'd still like to know is
"what plan "B" means!"
- You're an astrologer, aren't you...!
An explosion, a bed!
An explosion...
A bed!
This is terrible!
- But why is it terrible?
- But...
A b... bed! Do understand!
- Darling!
What is it?
"- Plan "B"!"
"- What do you mean, plan "B", "
these are somebody's feet!
There's a man in there!
- Q... quick!
- Your Highness!
- Your Highness!
- What idiot put me under the sheets?
Am I a hot water bottle or something!
- Your Highness! Are you all right?
- I suppose this was some conspiracy
again.
Are you involved in this,
Steiner?!
- I... I'm not S... S...
- Stop stuttering!
What's the time?
We mustn't miss the fireworks!
- Wh... what fireworks?
- At midnight - to celebrate
the disbanding of my army.
Flags, cannons banging,
a hundred and twenty bands!
The money! And the pla... plane ticket
for South America! You promised!
- Listen, Mrs. Keletti...
- Shut up and look here,
if you don't mean to pay up
all I have to do is whistle! -
Koko's waiting under the window!
- She escaped from a loony- bin!
- Come on then?!
Well, how long do I have to wait?!
You said I was to fix one bloke,
didn't you...
Well, I fixed two. -
Two!
- Mrs. Keletti, you and I have finished!
- Leave me alone you old geezer!
- That's the Ki... King,
Mrs. S... Stubb!
- Mrs. Stubb?
Have you all gone mad?
Hush! There's something ticking
in here again!
- Hush!
That's...
Koko!
- Steiner!
- Robert!
- Stuart!
- Robert!
I hope she had a parachute,
Steiner!
Your Hi .. Highness,
I'm no... not...
The fireworks!
You wait, you bitch,
I'll pull you apart!
The end
Starring