Y'a un os dans la moulinette (1974) - full transcript

I really don't know how to describe such a juicy French piece of crap, but assumed one. I am sure that the director and screen writer have never hoped to make a masterpiece. But believe me, acting, screen writing and directing are absolutely awful. Even Jean Pierre Mocky's films are better than this one. Because the Mocky, in his movies, always wants to denounce something about politicians, big executives, the modern society, about the crazy world where we live in. Here, even if, I repeat, everything seems Mocky's style like, no way, that's just a bad, awful tongue in cheek comedy worth the garbage can. Two unemployed actors, lousy ones, who impersonate detectives is a totally uninteresting and unbelievable story. But let's be fair, this can be an acceptable time waster for those who have nothing else to do.

Your queen is in danger, my dear Count.

My dear doctor, I shall play my knight.

It is midnight doctor.


And what about my bishop, or am I crazy?

You must never talk about crazy
in an asylum, doctor!


Count Dracula, what is the matter?

- Huh?
- I...I am thirsty!

It's time for my infusion!

I am thirsty for blood! I am thirsty!

Back, vampire!

This crucifix will turn you to ash!

- Back!
- Have mercy! I beg you!

- Back!
- I have a wife!

- And vampire children!
- Die!

Minion of the devil!

This axe shall remove your head!

- The pump!
- It's there.

- Where?
- Right there.

- Up a little.
- It's stuck!

Press harder, it'll work.

There it is!

As I said:

die, minion of the devil!

- That went well tonight.
- Yes, yes.

He'll be pleased.

You think?

It was better than usual.

It's a shame we have to stop.

- Yes.
- It's always the way.

I do hope that...

We shouldn't worry about it.

It seems they're holding auditions.

"See how suspicion works upon you?"

"No evil happens,

but you hold me guilty!"

"And if one chose to heed
your reckless words,

'Twas I who cut the life
of Claudius short."

'You loved his son,

his death may turn your brain,

but for the strokes of fate,

I cannot answer!"

Thank you.

Was that okay?

Leave your address;
we'll write to you.


"Sir, if I had such a nose,

"I would amputate it on the spot!"


"It must drag in your cup. When you drink,

do you require a custom goblet?"

Descriptive: "It is a rock!

It is a peak! A cape!

What am I saying?

It's a whole peninsula!"

Thank you. Leave your address,
we'll write to you.

...when I saw this rascal
lifting up a woman's dress from behind.

I believed he was playing
some kind of joke,

so I said to him, good-naturedly:

"Stop, you rogue,

you insult this lady's honor!"

When she heard me, she turned and said:

"Can you not see that he
is carrying my train?"

"Why would you allow someone else
to carry your train?"

I responded!

Thank you, leave your address.

- Very good.
- We'll be in touch.

Thank you, sir.

Good bye.

"By my very soul, by my mother,

by this cross, this symbol of honor,
I swear

that if their protector
is ever taken from them,

to devote my life to the widow and child
of Commander Brémond!"

Thank you.

Did you like it?

Leave your address, we'll be in touch.

Thank you.

- And?
- Well...

They told me I was...

I looked perfect for the role,
and my voice, that I...

I had all they needed so...

Yes, and?

And I left my address
and they'll write to me.

What about you?

Same thing. They told me

I was perfect for the role,

I was exactly what they were looking for,

I left my address and they'll write.

That's it, that's it.

Have you still not paid the...

the phone bill?

- No.
- Then it's still cut off.

Any mail this morning?

No, there was no... no, nothing.

Really? They must want
to come here in person then.

- Hey!
- What?

See who got a part?

- Look.
- Ah, well.

Still in the business, is he?

- You know why they gave it to him?
- No.

- Really?
- Well, I mean...

Ah well...

If they're that desperate...


That was the door.

Don't move. Don't move, I'll go.

Yes? Who is it?

It's Mrs. Rossignol!

Yes, Mrs. Rossignol?

Oh you look lovely today! So lovely!

The most beautiful concierge
in the neighborhood!

I know it, and I am happy to see her!

A letter for you two.

- Thanks. It'll be the theater!
- Yes.

No, it's the landlord,
about your late rent.

- Oh, well, you know...
- No, no.

- Again?
- Yes.

- What can we do?
- No money?

- No.
- No.

- I don't think we can get any today.
- So what do we do?

The usual, I suppose.

I'll say you're out on tour.

We're about to get two really big parts,

so, you know,
we'll get some good money soon.

So we wanted to ask you

- if anyone comes in for us,
- Yes.

please show them right up.

Okay? Thank you, our concierge,

you are so kind!

We thank you!

If I see the head
of the Comédie Française, or

- Châtelet or Porte-Saint-Martin,
- Exactly!

I'll send them up.

"This letter is to confirm our order?"

"concerning the supply

of 150 tons of polystyrene

and 400 tons of polyvinyl chloride..."

Hello, Mr. Montescourt.


It's Mr. Roscoff.

Hello, Roscoff? What's wrong?

My spy in the workshops just told me
they're threatening to strike!

You have to come down!

As soon as I turn my back...

Yes, yes it's a worry.

I'll take care of it later.

I have something urgent to do.

I'll be at the factory soon.

- Thank you.
- Where were we?

"150 tons of polystyrene and

400 tons of polyvinyl chloride."

"...on the express condition

that you can deliver

to my factory in Fos-sur-Mer,
in Bouches-du-Rhône,

within the time period
set out in the contract."

End with the usual sign off.

I would like to inform you, sir,
that we have arrived.

Wait for me here. Don't try to find out

where I'm going, alright?
It's confidential.

I'll give you what for!

At your age, you should know better!

It's not my ball, ma'am!

I saw you! That will cost you!
You communist!

Wait there until I come down,

I'll sort you out, you pest!

Seriously, what is this?

Sir has good taste.

Or a backache.

How can I help you?

Excuse me, Châtelet...


They were telling the truth!

- They're expecting you.
- Expecting me?

They're good then!

Oh, they're very good!

Very talented! They can do anything!

I believe that.

You should definitely hire them!

You'll be pleased with them,
I can promise you!

What's going to happen to us?

With our talent too,

it's terrible that no one can see it.

You know, I can feel it...

Listen now,

I feel that something is going to happen.

Oh, stop, stop...

You're going to tell me some director

is going to knock on the door and say:
"I'm hiring you both!"

It's the first floor, on the right.

First floor, on the right. Thank you.

You're going to the right door!

Thank you. On the right...

Come in, director, come in!

Come in, come in!


I intend to hire you.

- Yes. For what?
- We're very busy.

Yes, that's why...

If you don't take this job,
can I count on your discretion?

Here is the situation:

this is about a very rich businessman,

very powerful, very well-known,

who has for some time now

been receiving letters
threatening a kidnapping

if he doesn't pay a certain sum.

This very rich, powerful,
well-known businessman

does not want to go to the police.

So he's approaching two private detectives

whose job will be
to protect him and his family.

Those private detectives
are you, of course.

Well, that all sounds rather important.

- Very.
- Yes.

All depends on you.

So if you accept, how much would it be?

- Huh?
- Do you...

Do you mind if we confer?

Please do.

- I'll make a phone call.
- Please do.

I think we can ask for
a little more than the union minimum.

Are you crazy? This guy's loaded!

I'm going to ask for...

- There's no dial tone.
- Ah yes, it's rather busy right now.


- Will you take it?
- We will.

- How much?
- 1000 francs per day.


And 30 days payable in advance.

So that's 30,000 francs.

30,000 francs is...

30 million old francs.
I've never really got new ones.

Whose names is it in?

Cash! Just cash.

- That's easier.
- Yes, cash.

Very good. Here you go.

So, when do we start?

Right away.

You'll stay in my house.

Here's my address.

I expect you late afternoon.
I'll tell my wife

we're going to have
two more guests in the house.

- I'm counting on you!
- Of course.

- A pleasure.
- Thank you, sir.

Drive safely, thank you.

- Goodbye.
- Thank you.

And don't forget, come armed to the teeth!

He's good, huh?

He's charming, but if I understood right,
he doesn't provide props.

No, listen,

this will be the best thing
we've ever done.

You may be right.

So we'll make do.


What now?

Nothing, nothing, my dear Flora,
everything is fine!

I have the situation well in hand!

Quiet, I'm talking here!

You could at least take a break for lunch!

Yes, yes I could...she's right.

I should take a break for lunch.

Ma'am, I'm going back to Spain.

At least the Civil War is over there!

All that for a little boom boom?

Little boom boom?

The light fittings fell into the soup!

That's terrible, Pepita,
but who's going to make the paella?

Who's going to serve dinner?

Nicolas, are you leaving us too?

Madam, I will not stay
another minute in this house,

my heart doctor told me I can't!

You're both hurting me, very much.

I'm sorry ma'am, our decision is final!

- Yes.
- This house isn't big enough

for a laboratory and...

- and a nutcase!
- Right!

I believe you're talking about me.
My ears are burning.

Gaston, dear,
this is totally unreasonable.

Thanks to your madcap experiments,
we are once again without staff.

That could be a good thing, Flora dear,
because if we look closely,

at this face, and those faraway eyes...

With a lawnmower,

he's Attila the Hun.

Not to mention the comb
I found in the spaghetti.

A Spanish comb, by chance. No, Flora dear,

you can find staff,

but you have to work on a prototype...
for a long time...

patiently, lovingly, passionately...


Yes, well, no-one asked you.
I'll see you out.

Don't bother.

If madam could give us our checks...

Don't worry,

we can just call the agency.

Or better yet, better yet:

we can bring a whole
boatload over from Portugal!

That'll make the week easier.

Goodbye, sir!

Nicolas, what happened?

Ask Mr. Gaston!

They're strange.

The house does that to you, sir.

- Glazier!
- Ah, the glazier.

Still got it, huh Mr. Montescourt?

I'm not wearing the right shoes.

I'll leave you to it.

Okay, boss!

Oh my God, it can't be!

What happened, Gaston?

Well, it's an internal combustion engine.

Sometimes it combusts externally.

You missed a great show, it was crazy!

Like Verdun! Something out of history.

And after that spectacle,

my assistants quit,

your wife said some things to me that...

I didn't like at all.

I'm risking my life for this
piece of junk.

I don't like it one bit!

That's why I'm wondering if I shouldn't
accept the offer from Rolls Royce.

Oh no! My dear Gaston!

You wouldn't!

I'm thinking about it, Montescourt!

A man of my stature, 160...

- 160 in the...
- My dear Gaston.

You think that's smart?

The car's lost some value, after that,

- after it...
- Do you think so?

I'll have to find another one.

My dear Gaston, don't go to Rolls Royce.

Stay and work with me.

I'll give you a prototype, music,

and a new team of assistants.

And what about my dignity?
And my standing?

What do you want? More money?

I want respect!

I don't want the people here
to call me a nutcase!

- Nutcase?
- Nutcase!

A nutcase!

And your wife makes some cutting remarks.

I'll talk to her!

And I don't want your daughter
laughing behind my back!

She laughed?

Yes, she laughed! She never stops!

Well, sometimes she stops,

but she mocks me all day!

She's a kid, of course she kids around.

That's what kids do!

It's serious!

Because, Mr. Montescourt, your daughter...

I love her. I adore Isabelle.

I idolize her. I'm sorry...

Good, Isabelle, that's good!

Don't move. Good.

Turn around, look at me.

In profile now!

Sit up straight.

Oscar, I have to go home,
dad thinks I'm at school.

Don't you think he'll know
when he sees your photo in all the papers?

Maybe, but by then I'll be famous.

You know you're a real cupcake?

If you wanted to do something really sexy...

You know what I mean? We'd make a killing.

I have one rule:

never let a boy see me naked.

Unless he's my husband.

Well I have a rule too:

never marry a girl I haven't seen naked.

She could be a cross-dresser!

Well you'll remain in doubt
and we'll leave it there.

What if I told Mr. Montescourt

that his dear daughter skips class
every day to pose for photos?


If he finds out,

he'll have you thrown in jail
for soliciting a minor.

You understand?

Oh, it was just an idea,
just making conversation.

See you tomorrow?

Maybe, I'll see how things are.

Did you bring the artillery?

I've got everything we need.

They make good toys these days, huh?

Say, didn't you find him
a little strange, Montescourt?

Not at all. For a man of the theater,
he seemed...

more intelligent than most.

Oh? Is that because he gave you a part?

In any case, he's filthy rich,
and that suits me just fine.

- Should we have asked for more?
- Yes!

I do believe we should have.

That's me, when I played
center-forward for Marseille, in 1952.

That's my first cheese grater,
which I made.

Oh, it's lovely. How does it work?

- By hand, it's manual.
- Oh really?

My first store, see?

I made my vegetable peelers myself,

and sold them at markets,

- without a license.
- Brave, very brave.

- My first workshop.
- Charming, just charming.

Then came automation,
you know what that's like.

- Yes.
- So I changed,

and I designed my first
electric coffee grinder.

Myself. Then suddenly, boom!

My first factory.

That's a dazzling rise.

A dazzling rise, yes, dazzling.

- Congratulations.
- Dazzling...that chimney is nice.

Yes, I have to say,
I did marry a rich woman,

my first wife, who died two years ago.

Tragic, she left me her entire fortune.

So, now you want to start producing plays.

No, no, there are other factories
that make plates.

My goal,

my dream, is to leave my name

to a revolutionary, clean engine,
that's entirely remotely operated,

that would...

I'm boring you with my plans.

No, sir!

- Not at all, I...
- Not at all!

Back to our affair.

Ah, yes, about that,

we'd like to see the publicity.

If you want, but...

I don't see why...

Maybe it's a prop.

It won't help you much.

- Maybe it's a set piece, look...
- But,

here's where our case started. Read this.

"We demand 500,000 dollars in eight days,

or the person dearest to you
will be kidnapped".

An anonymous letter, not very original.

Someone asking for 500,000 dollars
doesn't give a damn about originality!

That's true.

I got another one.

Read this.

"You have two days to get the money,

That's a good start!
Now we've got some suspense!

So glad you like it.

- Suspense!
- Sorry, tell me, who wrote these...

Who wrote them? They're anonymous.

It's your job to find out who wrote them!

- Mimi, there you are! I am this close--
- This is Flora!

She has the role of
head of the house around here.

Ah, you're an actress?

Actress? No, definitely not!

She's my second wife.

Ah, yes...

Honey, these gentlemen are going
to stay with us for a couple of days.

Well now, there's an idea!

We have no staff!

I've called all the agencies,
no-one wants to work here anymore.

We're blacklisted.

In their defense, gentlemen,

they arrive fit and healthy,

and they leave with their
clothes in tatters, covered in band-aids!

Every time there's an explosion,
they quit!


- What explosion?
- Yes, I'd...

Yes, well...
fortunately, we still have Joseph.

Our driver.
Find a room for these gentlemen.

Of course. No staff over the weekend.
I hope you like frozen meals gentlemen.

For me, that's not...and you...

- That's no problem.
- No, not at all.

Ah! This is my daughter, Isabelle.


The most precious thing
my first wife left me.

Along with her factory!

Thank you for reminding me.

I'm kidding, dad!


Something tells me
she's going to give me trouble.

I've already got enough going on,
with this kidnapping.

So you see why I hired you? As bodyguards,

to protect them.


One of you will follow my daughter,

the other will take care of my wife.
But be careful.

I didn't want to scare them,

so I haven't told them. Mum's the word!

Everyone has to believe
you're here for my business.

No one can know you're detectives!

- Ah, no, no...
- Sorry...

Your business card.

I don't want my wife or daughter
to find it; destroy it.

- I see what's happened...
- Hello?


If you'd follow me.
Your luggage is in the hall.

Hello? Roscoff? Yes.

Yes, that's fine.

I'll come down to the factory.

I'm telling you, I'll make mincemeat
of those union members!

Here you are.

If you'd follow me,
this is the "mustard" room.

Ah yes, very nice.

Tell me, madam, what is it
that explodes around here?

Oh, everything.

There's smoke, and flames,

and things flying through the air
from time to time.

My nerves are completely shot!

So when you hear a "boom",

and you see the bed moving,
don't worry about it.

There's also a dog that howls all night,
will that bother you?

No, not at all, that doesn't...

Oh no, poor thing, no.

- So no, it doesn't bother...
- No?

Which of you wants to sleep here tonight?

Oh, you can't separate us.

One can sleep in the other wing.

No, don't put yourself out,
we're fine here!

- Yes, yes...
- You don't mind?

No, not at all,
he snores less the older he gets.

Okay then, that's fine.

- Well, I shall see you later.
- Yes.

- Goodbye, it's...
- Good evening.

My nerves, it's my nerves...

A director, huh?

Montescourt got the wrong door,
he thinks we're detectives.

If there's one thing I hate,
it's a comedy of errors!

- Yes, well...
- It's an old one, old chap!

We're in it now, and there's real danger.

- So let's go, come on.
- And give the money back?

- Ah yes, three million...
- We've spent half of it.

Yes, but you heard her, all the staff

have been blown up! No!

- But three million...
- Posthumously?

He'll just hire someone else
who may not be qualified.

Of course, of course...

And those letters could be nothing.

The explosions aren't nothing.

Yes, but then...

- we can defend ourselves.
- Absolutely.

We've been in so many crime dramas,

- we know how they work.
- Of course.

Except in a play, you know what's coming.

But let's not be too harsh on ourselves,

- actors are not stupider than detectives.
- True.

And we have to earn a living.

- Right? Then let's do it!
- You're right!

- Montescourt will get his money's worth!
- Yes!

- We'll do our job, like we always have!
- You know what?

What are we going to do? We'll stay!

Are the photos good?

Okay, I'll come see them tomorrow.
I'll get out of math class.

What? What am I wearing?

Nothing, I just got out the shower!

- Who is it?
- It's Gaston.

Just a second!

Is this a bad time?

It always is.

You have a talent
for coming by at the wrong time.

- I can leave.
- You're here now.

Why are you laughing?
Maybe we could laugh together.

- I don't think so!
- No?

So, to what do I owe
the pleasure of this visit, Gaston?

Don't be shy.

Well, you know, it's Friday, and...

I thought, maybe, we could

go dancing tonight, after dinner.

You sure you can handle that?

- Yes, no problem.
- You're old enough to be my dad.

Still, you know...

- Nearly.
- Yes.

I hope you don't have
any villainous ideas.

Why is she always joking?

My intentions are pure, Isabelle.
And your dad agreed.

Well, would you look at that.

I'm sorry, I'm not going out tonight.

- No?
- No.

- I have a horrible math assignment to do.
- Really?

Well, if you could help me...

I did graduate top of my class.

Yeah, that's boring.

Well, where's this assignment?

We'll go out tomorrow, promise?

I don't like blackmail.

Or math, apparently.

We'll talk tomorrow.

- Yeah?
- If I get a good grade.

If you...oh believe me, you will.

- I also have a presentation for chemistry.
- Really?

All this for...

Yes, well, let's get to it...

Let's get to it.

I think she...she's got it bad for me.

I'm in there.

It'll be a beautiful wedding.

I can't remember this, what's this?

Ah, yes!

Well that's easy.

That omelet was a treat!

Ah, ma'am, creating is what I do!

I'd say creating omelets
is where you're the least terrible.

Other than cooking, what do you do?

These gentlemen work in industry.

Yes, that's right, we make alloys,

you know?

We also make gears.

- Gears too, yes, I forgot.
- So many gears.

Yes, we have...

We make nickel, and we have...

Sheet metal.

Corrugated sheet metal.
Normal sheet metal is easy.

We corrugate it to the max!
So you know, it's...

- Heavy industry.
- I believe you.

Isabelle, why isn't Gaston
with us tonight?

He had something to finish,
you know how he is.

That man lives on calculations
and mineral water.

Well, water is good for you!

Joseph. Joseph!

Serve the coffee in my office.

These gentlemen and I need to talk.

They're rather odd, these guests of dad's.

- I think they're funny.
- Maybe.

They're not really how I pictured
titans of industry,

- you know?
- Don't judge people by their looks.

You have to see what's inside.

Look at Gaston, for example.
He might look simple,

- but he's not so...
- Are you talking about me?

My ears are burning.

I finished the, um...

Top marks, guaranteed.

I took some precautions
since receiving the first letter.


When the switch is on,

- no one can come in or out.
- How?

- Try it and see. The window.
- Here?

Stop! Stop it! He's being electrocuted!

Stop it!

He's getting electrocuted! Stop it!

It's off.

Well, now...that was a shock.

You should do that more often,
it's given you a glow.

Well it was a surprise!

And that's not all! For serious cases...

What is that?

There's a speaker installed in your room.

You can listen to everything
that's going on.

If anyone, anyone at all, tries to get in...

We'll hear them, and we can intervene,

- with these.
- No, no! Not those!

I don't want bodies on my hands!

No scandal, no publicity, no papers.

I'm assigning you something
much more discreet.


- Oh, that's a little bigger.
- Huge.

Completely silent!

It shoots darts.

Like this, see?

Filled with acetyl omidol chlorohydrate.

- What does that do?
- Puts people to sleep.

It's not as strong as
chlorobenzene sulfur dioxide.

But it's the only thing that works
instantly, for ten minutes.

Yes, right away.

That's Joseph with the coffee.
I'll show you.

See, the dart, now it's primed.

Cock it.

- Get ready to catch the cups.
- Okay.

Come in, Joseph!

Sit down, here we go.

Effective, right?

Better than herbal tea.

- What's going on?
- Nothing!

It's just a tripped breaker.

Don't worry, I'll...


A letter.

"Have the money ready.
Only 24 hours left."

He was here! He was here!

No one leaves!

Get the kidnapper!

Get the kidnapper!

Get the kidnapper!

Get the kidnapper!

What's going on? Mimi?

- Mimi, what's wrong?
- Nothing!

- It was a power cut.
- Cut? Did he get cut?

Where did they cut you, honey?
Do something!

Air! Get him some air!


- I got an electric shock!
- Oh no, it's just the storm.

It's the storm.

Dad, what's wrong?

What's that there then?

It's sharp. That must have hurt...

Gaston fainted!

It's the storm! It's just the storm!

That letter didn't just appear.

Someone put it there during the power cut.

- It must have been someone here.
- No.

Anyone could have come in
when the power was out.

Let's save the detective work
for tomorrow, huh?

- I'm going to sleep.
- Good night.

As soon as I smelled your skin,
I knew I had to come!

You smell like adventure,

like an exotic, burly man!

Wait, let me clear the room.

Oh, don't!

- He'll get his turn.
- Okay.

Émile! Émile!

I was having a dream, about the lady.

Ah, Flora.
She was making you shout that much?

- You're getting old.
- Yes.

She had...

I know what she had.

I'm going to try to dream about her,
I'll tell you what I think.

Wait, hang on...

Oh, your daughter's here! Thank goodness.

I'm lighting the fuse!

It's going to blow!

It's going to explode! Put out the fuse!

The fuse! The fuse!

Pillows can be fatal if they explode.

I had a nightmare.

An awful nightmare.

Just now.

I'm sorry.

You know, we've been here for hours,

and we haven't heard an explosion.
It's about time.


Did you sleep well?

All night long.

Good. You and your friend
will be nice and alert today

for whatever happens.

Excuse me one second.

- Still got it!
- Well done.

I could have been the next Pelé, you know?


He comes every day, same time.
I'm his best customer.

Lovely day, Mr. Montescourt!

Yes, yes. The usual window.

What a shot this guy is!

Ah... Okay.

I'm going to get dressed
and go to the factory. Union trouble.

I'm entrusting you my daughter.
She leaves for school at 8.30.

Watch her, follow her, without being seen

and, of course, if someone tries
to kidnap her, do something. Okay?

Okay. If she does something,
kidnap her, got it.

My dear Émile...

- May I call you Émile?
- Oh...

You'd make a fantastic housewife.

It's as if you've spent all your life
behind the scenes in a château.

Oh, I am very familiar
with being behind the scenes.

- How does this grinder work?
- It's easy,

like everything my husband makes.

Have you put the coffee in?
Just push the red button there.

Oh...it can't have been that then.

- No, can't have.
- No.

You'll have to ask Mimi then.

Sir, ma'am.

- Who's that?
- The glazier.

- Ah yes.
- Well, I'll have to go to the store.

I'll buy ground coffee.

I'll go with you.

I couldn't let you go all alone.

I am a gentleman.

Oh, that's a lovely idea!

We can go shopping together,
it's fun, you'll see.

We need a lot for this weekend.
We're expecting a lot of guests.

My husband's partner, Mr. Roscoff.

Roscoff? That's not a French name.


Good morning!

Bet you didn't expect me down so early?
It's the jelly.

Jelly? Honey, this is jam!

In front of Mr. Émile...

No, no...

Ah, now...

That's it now...

Nice and delicate now...

We should make our suspects
do a dictation exercise.

The anonymous letters were typed.

Yes, but still...

Why are you laughing?

The vision of such
perfect specimens of humanity

fills my simple heart with joy!

Bye, sweeties!

- I have to follow her!
- Go and change then!

When you were in Les deux orphelines,
you played five parts at once!

You just had one minute to change!

She's getting her bike,
you'd better hurry!

- See?
- Very good.

Watch yourself!

Did the teacher notice I was gone?

No one stopped the class.

You've got another day.

This is becoming a bad habit.

I said you had a cold.

Great, a cold can turn into bronchitis.

"I'm sorry, my daughter is sick." Great.

Say you went to my house
and my dad gave you this.

Here's the math homework.

- It might be correct for once.
- How's it going with Oscar?

Oh great, he's ready.

Another two sessions
and he'll ask me to marry him.

Men are strange.

First, they want us all,

then they just want to marry us.

You just have to know what they want.

See that guy over there, behind the truck?

He's watching me.

I need a diversion.

I've got just the thing, trust me.

- Sir! Officer!
- Yes, miss?

There's an awful man over there.
He keeps bothering me. Look!

- He's hiding.
- I see him.

These kinds of guys are my specialty.

- Hello.
- Hello, officer. Lovely day, isn't it?

Yes, a lovely day. Looking at the girls?

Yes, I'm watching one, that one there.

What? In this neighborhood,

this quiet neighborhood,

we don't like perverts

and sex pests coming to bother
our children,

right outside our schools,

in front of an officer!

- Papers!
- But...

And he's armed!

Your papers!

Give me your papers!

It's a brisk morning, isn't it?

As you say, ma'am, brisk!

We'll go by the factory,
I need to fill up the car.

Come here, my dear.

There you go.

Watch out now.

Excuse me...


Well, Mimi, you need a hand?

- Quiet, we're working!
- Funny looking work.

A good advertisement

should make the customer
unable to resist buying the product.

- What do you think?
- I'd buy it.

No, that's not what I'm asking!

Is there anything about
this rural image the doesn't fit?

The tractor.

I think it's the man.

Oh, thank you, Flora!

- Oh, Roscoff!
- Yes.

I didn't know you without the beard.

- I've never had a beard!
- He's never had...that's funny.

He's my husband's right hand man.

Roscoff, is that a Russian name?

- Da.
- I've got it.

The girl's not right.

You don't look like

a young, country girl...

Well, I never!

That was rude!

- Sorry, but...
- Well, go find your models

at the farming fair!

I've never! I'm leaving!

We've downed tools.


The workshops have all downed tools.

Montescourt, pay us! Montescourt, pay us!

Flora, please! That's not funny.

Oh I know, honey,
money matters are always sordid.

Folk with their hands out everywhere.

That's what good standing is.

- Here's your check.
- Very good!

- I'll meet you in the car.
- Yes, yes.

This is it now, boss.

We need to talk to the ringleaders.

- I'm scared!
- No, no!

Don't be scared, this is nothing!

I've always been a kind boss,
I'll meet with them.

I've done manual labor,
I know what it's like!

We'll talk, man to man!

What is it?

It's the police chief,
wants to speak to you.

Ah! Must be my wife
with another speeding ticket.

- No!
- The police chief is a friend.

Hello my friend! Yes, it's me! What?

Bob Falbert? He says he knows me?

No, never heard of him.
No, I'm telling you...

No, I don't know any perverts!

Apart from you, none!

Yes, it's Bob... Bob! Yes!

Yes, I know him well, sorry, Bob Falbert.

I thought you said Talbert.

I can vouch for him,
he is a man of impeccable moral standing!

Yes, sir! What?

A dart gun? And?

Is it illegal to carry a dart gun now?

Oh, well...

Let him go, please.

Okay. Goodbye, and give
my regards to your wife.

This is a conspiracy!

Your enemies are trying to get rid of him!

They wanted to... Isabelle!

She's alone, unprotected from danger!
Oh, Isabelle...

Hold it, yes.


When I'm attacked, I defend myself.

I just wanted to help you with the pose.

I told you:
no hanky-panky before marriage.

- You really are a lady.
- This lady says: "Screw you".

A letter signed by her father?

Thank you, sir.

My daughter's not at school!
She's been kidnapped!

This is all your fault! I'll report you!

You hear me? I'll have your license!

Well that...

- That would be something?
- Oh yeah?

Excuse me, your wife is waiting.

Boss, they're here.

- Who? My daughter?
- No.

The union!


The striking workers have decided
to occupy your office

and hold you here until
you have agreed to our reasonable demands.

Guys, come on, be reasonable,
come back next week.

I'm telling you,
I've got some serious problems right now.

Mr. Montescourt, you are not leaving
until you've given us what we want!

What does that mean?

It means you're their prisoner, boss.

Prisoner? This is unheard of!

It's quite common these days.

I'll kick you all out myself!

You're staying right here!

I've never been to the store in my life.
This is so exciting!

Don't leave me alone!

No, of course not.

Lentils, what are they?

They're like caviar,
without the fishy taste.

I'll get them.

Oh, my dear Émile, you can't imagine
the problems of a housewife!

You'd think money fixes everything,
but it can be a burden.

- Sometimes I envy the poor.
- It's definitely mutual.

If I were poor,

we wouldn't have any staff,
so they wouldn't keep quitting.

- Could you pick out a sausage?
- Of course.


Not to mention,

my high-class education didn't prepare me
for such menial tasks.

Catholic school in Switzerland,

studying literature, music...

But I am missing some knowledge
in the kitchen.

Have a heart, ladies and gents!

I haven't eaten in two days!

- Here's your sausage.
- Oh, thank you!

Where's Flora?

- I don't know.
- Right from under my nose!

Those bastards! Those scoundrels!

Oh, God will provide!

- 100,000?
- No.

200,000 to let me go.

The working class will not be corrupted
by capitalism!


All we want is an extra 40 cents an hour.

Fine, you asked for it!

Your overalls! Quickly!

Daughter and mother disappeared,

and if you ask me, we should do the same.

Fine, let's get out of here, come on.

What's up with your eye?

A souvenir from the police station.

Oh, my word!

Oh my word!

No! No! I told you, I'm sick of this!
We're leaving!

Too late!

- There you are!
- Evening, Mr. Montescourt.

- You!
- What's the...

A word in your ear.

I entrust my only daughter to you,
and you...

Where is she now? Where is she?

Hey! Come on!

Flora! Flora!

About Flora, I have some news.

She's disappeared.

Flora? Disappeared?

Taken before my very eyes.

I'm cursed!
Don't move, I'll be right back!

We should have just claimed
unemployment, like I said!

I thought my jacket was beige.

I'm sorry, ma'am, mine is
much more beige than yours.

I bought it in Belgium too.

Hello? It works!

The driverless car!
I'm looking at it, boss!

I give you 30,000 francs
to watch my wife and daughter,

and they're both taken!

And I'll have to pay 500,000 dollars!

I'll report you two!

- Hello, dad.
- In a minute.

Isabelle! My dear!

My little... I thought...

I thought they'd taken you,
let me have a look at you.

You're fine! Oh, my dear...

As for my wife, I have one thing
to say to you... Flora!

We lost each other in the store!

Your friend Émile is easily distracted.

When I got to the checkout
to pay for my things,

guess what was in the cart?

A baby! Everyone thought
I was trying to kidnap it.

Funny, huh?

Yes, well, our friend Émile

is leaving right away
and going back to his sheet metal!

Oh my dear, he isn't.

- He is!
- No he isn't.

Émile is the only person here
who can cook.

And we're expecting Roscoff this weekend.

I hope he likes omelets!

Or that he brings his can opener!

- Did you see that?
- See what, sir?


Make yourself at home!

I'm sorry, but after what I've just seen,
I needed that!

- What did you see?
- Outside,

a car with no driver
and a moving rhododendron!

- Come and sit down.
- Yes.

Sit down here.

- I'll go get you some aspirin.
- I'm telling you...

- And how are things at the factory?
- What factory?

Right here, two minutes ago.

What does it say?

"It's too late. The deadline has passed."

They're bluffing!

- They're not!
- Your wife is in the kitchen with Émile!

- And your daughter's with Loumanac.
- Roscoff!

No need to worry, everyone's here!

What could happen?

Hey, taking a nap?

Another little feather there.
I won't touch it this time...

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

What are you two doing?

No one ever breaks anything here!

The acetyl omidol chlorohydrate...

Acetyl omidol...

No one move!

Mrs. Montescourt! Flora! Isabelle!

Mr.... please!

Do you know...

I'm the only one left!

Police! Police! Police!

I'll report this!

I have connections!
I'll take this right to the top!

Is that...

- It's for you, dad.
- Huh?

Another one?

"You did not heed our warnings.

We have taken the person
who is most dear to you,

but we are not monsters.

If you want to see our hostage again,
safe and sound, you have one hour

to leave 600,000 dollars

in a place we will tell you about."

600,000 dollars! They've upped the price!

- What does that mean, Mimi?
- Tell us, dad!

Didn't you hear?

They've taken the person
who is most dear to me!

Excuse me for the silly question,

- but who are they talking about?
- They're talking about...

She's here, you're here, I'm here.

They didn't take anyone!

Just the scientist!


They've taken Gaston!

No big deal then!

Isabelle! How can you say such a thing?

They've taken my adopted son!
My favorite engineer!

The father of the clean,
remote-controlled car!

I have the feeling he'd be less upset
if one of us had been taken.

Flora, please!

Don't start!

Think about it!

If I don't pay, they'll kill Gaston,

and we'll have to start over!

- Roscoff!
- Yes?

How much have I already
invested in the prototype?

At the latest figures,

with the windshield wipers,
two and a half million.

- Two and a half million?
- Yes.

All that money for
three explosions a week!

It's a costly smoke ring!

She's good, huh?

Silence. Nobody move.

If anyone moves, I'll shoot.

We have your engineer.

You have 45 minutes to gather the money.

Place it in the car belonging
to your two detectives,

or rather, the two men
pretending to be detectives.

Do not move.

Your two detectives
are merely out-of-work minor actors.

- Minor? - Silence.

Once the money is in the car,
lock everyone in the house.

If you try to follow us,
or inform the police,

we will kill Gaston
and his death will be on your conscience.

- You're not...
- You're not detectives?

- No.
- You're extras?

No, we're actors!

- Actors...
- Charlatans!

Good-for-nothings! Less than nothing!

We went to the conservatoire!

Well, why didn't you stay there then?

- Well, who are you to judge us?
- Yeah!

What did you ask us to do?

You asked us to protect
your wife and your daughter!

Yeah! If you had asked us
to protect your engineer,

he wouldn't have been kidnapped!

If I wasn't being held back...

Oh, you're holding me back...

I'm sorry.

They've put me in the dungeons,
like The Man in the Iron Mask.

There must have been a leak,

there must be foreign powers
interested in the prototype...

If they've taken me to China...

I hate rice.

No, I'm still in France,
they don't get Beaujolais in China.

It's not a wine that travels well.

Not bad. A little bitter,
but it's got some nose, a good year.

I have no choice.
I will pay the 600,000 dollars.

- For your demolition worker?
- He's a genius!

Maybe, but for that price,
you could buy a new one.

Where are you going to get the money?
It's Saturday.

The banks are closed.

I have a little rainy day fund.

A little nest egg.

- Roscoff knows.
- I disapprove, but I obey orders.

No one knows about this nest egg,
not even the taxman!

- Once again, I trust in your discretion.
- My lips are sealed.

I hope that once the strike's over,
we can talk more about a rise.

- Yes, yes, once everything's done.
- Okay.

To think, some people
have vaults in Switzerland,

while I have my nest egg...

That's what you call a nest egg?

But those are francs, not dollars!

I'll give them 600,000 dollars in francs,
it's better.

The dollar's sinking, the franc is rising.

If all this hadn't happened,
what would you have done with all that?

Nothing, it's a safety net.

Are there any other safety nets
around the house?

We're sitting on hidden safes,

sleeping in bank vaults,
and meanwhile, I have nothing to wear.

I've never met a woman who did.

My dear Roscoff,

women are fragile little things,


naked with nothing to wear.

There's some left...

Fine, fine, fine.

This winter, I'll get you some...

Some...don't worry,

- I'll write you a list.
- Fine.

- Count it, Roscoff.
- Of course.

Don't you think I could make it?

Yes, of course.

Yes, you...you certainly seem to,

but you know, I've got a good body too.

and I've got talent, to boot!

So do I.

Well, then let's have an audition,

recite me something,
something like La Fontaine,

- for example.
- Okay.

"In old days of yore,
there was a king of Singapore,

for whom life was a bore,
and he could stand it no more.

One night, in his nook,
alone with his book,

he heard a voice through the trees,
carried on the breeze:

"I’m a whore, I’m a whore,
with hair as black as coal!

If you give me some gold,
I’ll show you my...


Well, that was nice.

Leave your address, we'll be in touch.

Don't you know something more classic?

I'll show you the speech
that made me famous,

in 1940, at Jouy-en-Josas,

the battle of the Moors:

"At the start there were
five hundred of us,

but, by a speedy reinforcement,

there were three thousand of us
when we got to the port.

Upon seeing us advance,

so courageous and so brave,

even the most exhausted

felt inspired once again."

"Two-thirds were concealed
in the holds of the ships,

that we found there. The rest,

whose numbers grew by the hour,

burning with impatience,

- around me were--" - Silence. Nobody move.

If anyone moves, I'll shoot.
We have your engineer.

You have 45 minutes to gather the money.

Not bad!

This guy isn't taking any risks,
he wasn't even here!

Someone had to start that playing.

- We were all here, no one came in or out.
- Yes...

It was one of us.

15 minutes left to pay the ransom.

I'll just climb out the window, simple!

Don't need a college degree for that.

If I break my nose, well...

There's no window.

That's annoying.

What would Einstein do
in a situation like this?

Einstein would be thirsty.

And so am I, so...

I'm ready to give you a pass
on your deception, on one condition:

when they come for the money,
you'll be there.

Follow them, without being seen.

Wait until they free poor Gaston,

then overpower them,
and take the money back.

I'll give you a bonus!

- How much?
- Five percent.


What's the dollar worth right now?

I pay in francs.

Yes or no?


I don't envy dad
the job of dropping off the money.

Something bad
is definitely going to happen.

I'm glad I'm not involved.

Ah, Roscoff.


- I've decided to put my trust in you.
- Really?

You can go and drop off the money.

I'm sorry, no.

That is an order!

I refuse to be killed,

- just over some uppity college graduate!
- Sir!

Give me that money.

Joseph, my faithful servant!

Good timing, good marks.

- A little dramatic.
- Yes, you know...

I won't forget this, come bonus time!

Don't worry about it.
Allow me to introduce myself:

Joseph Tabuteau,

from the tax inspectorate.

Joseph, what is this?

This package contains
600,000 dollars in illicit profit

and undeclared revenue.

On behalf of the authorities,

I am confiscating this money,

in the name of the treasury!

- But...
- Six months!

Six months I've been working for you!

And now, finally, I've got you red-handed!


I thought we were friends.

- Wait just a minute now!
- Hey! Hey!

Anyone can say they work
for the tax inspectorate,

take 600,000 dollars,
then disappear to Venezuela!

Tax agents carry a card,

- they have official ID!
- Exactly!

Here is my card, gentlemen.

- That's him, that's his card.
- Quick, get rid of it!

Your card...

Here's what I think of your card!

You have my word as an inspector,

you'll pay for that!

- I'm not scared of you!
- I'm not scared.


- You'll pay for this!
- Goodness me!

You'll pay for this!

You'll pay for this!

Roscoff, now you don't have a choice.

You know what I'm thinking?

If it's the same thing as me,
you're a right bastard.

I think that spending 600,000 dollars
on some egghead is a waste.

Yeah, you know,

we could do a lot with 600,000 dollars.

We could buy a theater.

We could make a movie.


We'd have posters all over Paris!

- So...
- Yeah?

If we took that package,
no one would know.

Maybe that's more honest.

See where honesty has got us so far?

- Our money!
- Hey!

A car! A car!

It doesn't work!

It's not working...

Bikes! Bikes!

Get the bikes!

Pull over! Pull over!

Pull over, please!

- That way.
- No, that way!

- No, it's that way!
- No...


I'm hurt!

- I'm hurt!
- Come on!

Get off me!

Oh, jeez!

Why wasn't there anyone in that car?

How could we have known
our car would drive off?

It's your job to know things!

Wait, what did you say?

It drove off by itself! No driver!
It was stolen!

- It was stolen!
- It was stolen!

- It drove away by itself?
- Yes!

That means Gaston did it, he did it!

The clean, remote-controlled engine!

My dream of the car for the year 2000!

Where did it go? It disappeared!
And it's your fault!

The money's gone! My engineer's gone!

- Where's my ball?
- He wants his ball.

- Give him his ball!
- Here's your ball.


Not now, get out of here!

You're both useless!

I'm going to report you! See what happens!

I'll tell my friend the prefect!

- Is it still the same guy?
- Quiet!

- The car!
- The car!

The car...

The car!

My clean car!

Remote-controlled! Thank you, Gaston!

- Thank you Gaston!
- Thank you!

- Thank you, Gaston!
- Oh, thank you, Gaston!

Round of applause!

There's no point in being here
now the money's gone.

Well, we might be able to get it back.

Silence. Nobody move.

If anyone moves, I'll shoot.


What are you trying to prove?

You'd never guess you do this
all year round!

It's easy to change your voice
on a tape machine!

Come on, it's good to think while you eat.

- Silence. Nobody move.
- See?

If anyone moves, I'll shoot.

Sounds like Chaliapine.

Yes, but if we speed it up a little... listen.

Listen, listen...

It'll be Chaliapine again.

I've changed it, it won't.

Silence. Nobody move.

- See? - If anyone moves, I'll shoot.

We have your engineer.

- You have 45 minutes...
- That's Flora!

Yes, but she was asleep
like everyone else!

- You see?
- Well then!

She was pretending!

Like Marguerite de Bourgogne in her tower!

- There we are!
- You can go!

I'm here to free you!

Save your questions
until the end of the lesson.

You're free, I said! You can go!

Why are you talking like that, Flora?
Are you sick?

I told you smoking was bad for you.

Oh my, look at your face.

You look tired, you've got wrinkles.

How did you recognize me?

Your shoes.

- Those shoes!
- Well what am I wearing this thing for?

Of course. Here, have some of this.

Hang on...

Here, have a drink.

Not bad, is it?

You have to go back to Montescourt.

Ah, the coffee grinder man, you know,

he's not exactly a bright spark.

That may be true, Gaston,
but he's the man I love.

He's the man of my dreams.
Oh, Gaston, have you never been in love?

Oh, yes, I have. Madly in love.

Mrs. Quetrensmourt... Petesmourt...

- Montescourt.
- Mrs... Fleu... Flora.

Flora, it is my honor to ask you
for the daughter of your hand, Isabelle.

I appreciate it, Gaston,
but she should really graduate first.

- Really?
- Yes, poor thing.

I'm doing all this for her too.

- All what?
- All this, the letters,

kidnapping you, the tranquilizer gun, everything.

All for 600,000 dollars.

Is it for her dowry?

- No, it's not.
- Damn.

- You're getting tipsy, huh?
- Yes, a little.

Me too, it's...

- I'll explain later, Okay?
- Yes, well...

What matters is I have the money.

The money is confiscated!

Oh, Joseph!
He's been drinking our Beaujolais.

- You're drunk!
- No, it's...

Give me the money!

Where have you hidden it?

- Give it to me!
- No, sir,

you have to speak to me less harshly...

My dear Mrs. Montescourt,

where have you hidden it?

You'll never find it!

I hid it in the...

- in the...
- Where?

- Hey!
- Silence!

Come in.

Hello, ladies!

May I ask why you're putting
the driver in the closet?

- So he gets better with age.
- Yes.

Well, he was already aged!

Some science humor!

- He's quite drunk.
- Quite drunk.

To Joseph!

Thank you.

Hey, this isn't bad, this Saint-Émilion!

What do you know? It's a Bourry '67!

It's actually a Morgon.

Ha! See?

Seriously, why did you do it, Flora?

If you needed money,
you could have just asked your husband!

Ask him for 600,000 dollars!

I couldn't!

I needed the money!

I needed it because...

Oh, because I'm so ashamed!

It was to give to a man!

Oh, like in The Maltese Falcon!

Is he your lover?

No! How dare you! I'm an honest woman!

But I have a secret.

A terrible secret!

I'm being blackmailed!


Hey, another drink, another drink!

You're not exactly going to be singing
in the Sistine Chapel any time soon.

So why...why...quiet,
why is he blackmailing you?

I used to be a singer.

Five years ago.

A slight reversal of fortune took me to...

A dive bar, frequented by sailors.

Homesickness is terrible for a sailor.

I did what I could

to soothe the souls
of these brave blue-collar workers.

I had all those men at my feet.

Then I came back to France,
met Montescourt, and married him.

He still thinks I spent my youth
in a convent.

The truth would kill him!

So when that man called,

and threatened to tell my husband,

I lost it!

He asked for 500,000 dollars.

Then 600,000!

Where was I going to get that?

I couldn't let my husband get suspicious.

But a fake kidnapping?
That's elementary, my dear Watson!

You put everyone to sleep,
and pretended to sleep yourself.

I did. I hid the revolver behind my back,
and got Bob.

Say, how did you get the
remote-controlled car to work?

He showed me, it's easy.

When I stood up,
I started the tape player.

Once the money is in the car,

Did you give the money
to this blackmailer?

No, not yet.

Well, then maybe we can still win!

- We can catch him!
- Yes, where did you put the cash?

- In the closet.
- Oh...

With the taxman.

You, you know,
I have to tell you something.

Germaine, I love you...

No, not Germaine... Charlotte?

I love...no, not Charlotte.

- What's her name again?
- Gaston!

My dear Gaston, they let you go!

Did they brainwash you?

- How do you feel?
- He's drunk as a skunk!

Two skunks! Isabelle...

- I love... I love you!
- Yes.

No, that's Isabelle.

No, that's Montescourt... Isabelle...

Do you have an aspirin?

I think earplugs would be better.

It's a letter for you.

You open it,

I'm in no state to read my mail!

Don't come to me with my mail!

- Here's the rubber band.
- Thanks, I'm collecting them.

"Dear Loulou Pigalle,
bring the money at 7 a.m. tomorrow

to the park,

at Hautbois. Come alone and unarmed,
or else..."


Nini Pigalle, that's me!

It's signed "Old Blue Cap".

He must have been a sailor.

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

- Come here! Now!
- It's not...

I'm begging you, do not sing that song

- around my wife!
- Why not?

Before she married me,
she used to live in Casablanca.

She can't know that I know that
she's forgotten all those awful memories.

I've always pretended I didn't know.

Do you understand?

Okay, I'll wait until they're asleep,
and steal the prototype.

You can count on me, sir.

I recognized your car!

Dad, this is Oscar.

Ah, yes...

So, young man,
do you have something to tell me?

Yes, the closet...

It was moving by itself!

And the rhododendron, it's gone too!

Is he alright?

- Uh...
- But I...

I swear, the rhododendron moved!

Isn't he sweet, in his little suit?

- Hands up, or I'll shoot!
- We've got you now!

We've got you now!

You're coming with us!

- Go! Go! Go!
- Wait up!

Tax inspectorate!

Hands up!

Hey, it's me!

It's me, goodness!

I've got you!

- Bravo! Bravo!
- Bravo!


He's getting away! The money!

Stop! Stop!



Boss? I got the prototype!

What should I do?

Help! Help me!

Well done!

Dr. Livingstone, I presume.

- Bravo!
- Stop it!

Oh, fine, go ahead.

My friends, I am most grateful.

I promise you.

- Can we have your autograph?
- Please?

Please, sir!


Subtitle translation by: Calum Craig