Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012) - full transcript

A small West Virginia town is hosting the legendary Mountain Man Festival on Halloween, where throngs of costumed party goers gather for a wild night of music and mischief. But an inbred family of hillbilly cannibals kill the fun when they trick and treat themselves to a group of visiting college students.

- Oh, that was the best one yet.
- Mmm-mmm.

You gotta love these
Valentine's Day deliveries.

Oh, do we have any of those candy hearts
with the little messages on them?

Uh, no. But I've got some
fancy pants perfume for you.

- Get rid of it!

Get rid of it!

what about this one, Julien?

Roses are red. Violets are green.

You are so handsome,
you make all the ladies scream.

It's no use, Maurice,
I am a king without a kingdom.

Where is all the admiration?
The fawning? The brown nosing?

Is anybody even listening to me up there?


What the...

"Love Potion Number Nine"?
How does this thing work anyway?


Stop it, stop it. That tickles.

JULIEN: "Irresistible."


Do you see what is happening here?

Make them stop. Make them stop.

It is a message from the gods.

They are looking down from the heavens
and saying, "King Julien."

And I say, "Ugh, what do you want now?"

And they say, "Sorry to disturb you,
all great and most dashing king

with all the best dance moves."

And I say, "Oh, do you mean like this?"

"Yes! We love that!"

"So, get on with it.
What do you want already?"

"Even though you're all these great things,
you deserve more."

"Oh, go on."

"King Julien, take this potion

and from this moment forth
you will be known as the King of Love."


King of Love?

Come, Maurice. We have much work to do.

Wake up, Africa. it's Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day to you.

And Happy Valentine's Day to you.

- Who?
- You, you, you, and you.

What's Valentine's Day?

Hold up.
Don't tell me you've never heard of...

The best day of the year! Whoo!

Wow, you're really into this holiday, huh?

Please, you have no idea.

GIRL: We love you, Alex!

And I love this holiday!

Oh, Alex.

So, what do we do with these?

That's the best part.

Once you get a Valentine,
you get to give one back.

Here, I'll start you off. "Dear Alex,
you're the best. Love you, Ostrich."

See, now I can display it right here
on my very own Valentine's tree!

Huh? Huh?

Whoa! Hey!

Hey! What's going on?

King Julien's selling a magical
love potion. I want some!

A love potion?

- I want some!
- Me, too!

Wait for me!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, wait up!
Guys, Valentine's tree.

It's not going anywhere.

And neither are we, Alex.

Now, come on, let's go see what
that psychotic lemur's up to now.

You know what, you... Why don't you...
I think you guys could...

You guys go ahead. I'll catch up later.

Where is he going?

Uh, acupuncture appointment?

Yep, definitely acupuncture.
Come on. Gotta go.

- Her name is G-L-O-R-I-A. Gloria!
- Gloria!

Stop. Stop. Stop. Come on, you guys. This
is my first Valentine's Day with Gloria.

This surprise has to be perfect.

I'm fine, I'm fine, okay.
What are you doing?

Ugh, look at him.

All stressed out
and driving everyone crazy.

Skipper, what are you going
to get Hula Girl for Valentine's Day?

Nothing! No hokey knickknacks
or cheesy gestures needed here.

Isn't that right, dollface?


What the...

Ladies and gentlemen, gather around.

Today is your lucky day

because the King of Love's
love potion spectacular is about to begin.

Go take your troubles to the King of love

That's me!

The Heavens sent me, from above

Go on, everybody, get into a line

Try a little spray
of Love Potion Number Nine

Oh! Me, me, me, me. I'll try it.


Here's a young fellow I've never met, ever.

Let me guess.
Little irritating pest like yourself.

Probably not too popular, are you?

No! I'm not popular.

- Well, your luck's about to change.
- Ow!

Just sign this contract committing you
to eternal servitude

and I will make you...

Yes! Let's do it.

- Open your eye.

- It burns!



- Ew!
- Dang!

Well, hello!

Aren't you just the most adorable
little thing I've ever seen?


ALL: Ah!

Come on! it's a dude.

Do it.


I'm irresistible!

- I wanna be irresistible!
- Me, too!

Sign here, sign here.

I like you.

How you like me now?



- I want some!
- Me, too!

Right here, right here!

Oh, come on, fellas.
You're not buying all of this, are you?

Well, I ain't buying it.

I mean, a love potion? Zebras, please.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

I ain't never seen a zebra like you before.

I'm not a zebra. I'm an okapi.



Where did you come from?

Just visiting from another reserve.

Hey, I can show you around!

- So could I!
- So could I!

- So could I!
- Me, too!

I know this place better than anyone!

Aw! Looks like somebody got bit
by the love bug.

Yeah, well, so did all of them.

Okay, see you later then.


If only I had something to make me
stand out from the pack.

Lave Potion Number Nine



I mean, nice doing business with you.

Marty, there's no such thing
as a love potion.

You could make her a card.

Spray me.

Open your eye.

Whoops! Fresh out.

No, no, Julien. You gotta get me more.

What do I look like? A wizard?
I don't know how to make that stuff.

- Fine. No love potion, no contract.
- Yeah!

You'll hear from my attorney!

Maurice, you're my attorney.
Can he do that?

I don't know.

Hey, come on!

Wait. What am I supposed to do now?

You're the King of Love. Figure it out.

A love potion?

Yes, I need you to make me
another batch of it.

Negative, twinkletoes.

What? Why?

I don't like you.

And besides, the only place
to find ingredients like these around here

is at the human safari camp.

Forget it! That place is a deathtrap!

Skipper, I need 300 pink coconuts
for Gloria's tiara, stat.

Whoa, sounds like a blast.

But we've got a rendezvous
at the human safari camp.

Where's a monkey
when you need one?

Ugh. Fellas, if I ever let some doll
get to me like that,

just put me down.

What? What did I do?

Target identified, sir. All clear. Skipper.

This silent treatment is killing me.
Just tell me what's bothering you.

I can't get into this right now, dollface.
Keep lookout. We'll be back in a jiff.


Today must be my lucky day.

I tell you, fellas, it's like I'm talking
to a piece of wood.

How am I supposed to know
what she's thinking?

- I mean, I'm not a mind reader.

What is going on in here? Penguins?

You can only get so far
when the conversation's all one-sided.


Fire! Stop, drop and roll!

One minute everything's peachy
and the next, sneak attack.

Flanks me with the cold shoulder.

Skipper, with all due respect...

You and your lady friend need
to patch things up. Pronto!

You're right, I deserve that.

Um, Skipper, there's something you need
to see up here.

- Whoa.
- This better be important, Private.

Shiitake mushrooms.

Penguins! Get them!

- Hula Girl!
- We'll deal with this later!


- Rose petals?
- Check.

- Water?
- Check.

Is it ready yet? There must be 50 zebras
all up in her face right now.

Come on, Marty. This things not going
to make you irresistible.

Trying to work here.

Melman? Where did that giraffe go?

Chop-chop, Kowalski.
I need that potion now.

A couple more love songs on that ukulele
and I'll be done for.

All right, everybody out. Out, out, out!

Final ingredient.

Hexyl cinnamaldehyde.

Hexyl cinna what?

I don't know! Just improvise.


Why not?


Gentlemen, Love Potion Number 10.

Finally! Oh!


- Sorry.
- Marty, wait!

Alex, come here. Is something going on?

- What?
- Is Melman avoiding me?

- No, no. It... I... Marty!

Should I make you another batch?

There's no time.

Don Ho's not stealing my girl
without a fight!

Marty, this will never work!

You never know unless you try.

- Ow! What the...
- He's right, freak.

The joke will be on you
when my magic potion works its magic.

And the water buffalo said,
"That's not my mama."

I'll admit it. I like romantic comedies.

- Hey, where's she going?
- What?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- We were talking.

- What she doing?
- Hello!

Hi, there.

She spoke to me.

- Did I say that out loud?

I don't know what it is about you,

but there's something that
I just find irresistible.


Check it out, it's actually working.

How can it be permissible

She compromise my principle

Yeah, yeah


She a craze you endorse
she's a powerful force

You're obliged to conform
when there's no other course


But now I find her


MARTY: Higher, higher!



Call me.

Simply irresistible

Hey, Alex, welcome to the love shack.

Ho-ho. Wow. Yeah, this is really something.

Oh, you've gotta read some
of these Valentines.

I didn't think they could find a word
to rhyme with magnificent. But they did!

- Ha-ha!

Yeah, you know, speaking of Valentines, I
realized I still hadn't given you yours. So...

Great! Throw it on the pile.

Oh! How could I have missed the pile?
Okay, I'll just be on my way then.

Unless you have something...

That's the stuff!

...for me?

MARTY: Mmm. Smells like jojoba.

Oh, did you say something out loud? Alex?

Any requests, Marty?

Free Bird?

At least I never needed
a magic love potion to get my Valentines.

They came naturally.

GLORIA: I don't know, Julien.

This doesn't look like
the one the penguins made.

Don't worry, hippo woman.

I threw in a few new ingredients
to kick it up a notch.

That giraffe won't know what hit him.

- Nice try, Julien.
- Hey!

- Alex!
- Seriously, Gloria, come on.

Not you, too.

But I think I might be losing Melman.

You are!

You're not losing Melman.
You don't need this.

Yes, you do!

Oh, I don't know what to think any more!


Could this day get any worse?
Ow! What was that?

A wake-up call.

Wake up? What are you talking about?

You used to be a New York giant.

Now, your hair's a mess
and you're all alone.

Yeah, well, it's your fault.

Your stupid potion is making
everybody crazy.

Is it? Or are you crazy not to try it?

Yeah, right.

You can be irresistible.

Just like you were back in New York.

Close your eyes.

Can you hear the crowd
screaming your name?

"We love you, freak." They're going
crazy for you. Do you hear it?

Yeah, I can hear them.

- Freak, freak, freak, freak.
- Freak.

They can't control themselves. Freak!

- Freak! Freak!
- Freak!

Don't you want that back again?

I do.

Sign here.

Now, go get your mojo back.

What is that smell?

Ladies and gentlemen, Alex the Lion!

- Ha-ha!
- You reek!

- Oh, my gosh. I'm gonna be sick.
- Me, too!

Get away from us!

Hey. wait!

- How long is this song?
- Whoo-hoo!

I think I need a little air.

Hey, where's Marty?

Where's Marty?


That's more like it.

What's more like it?

All right. Why don't you take five, ladies?
I need a little Marty time.

Sounds great.

- Come on, everybody. it's Marty time.

You guys are funny.
But seriously, I need a little space.

A little more space, please.

More space, more space!

- Hey, look! There's Marty!
- Where?

Easy, easy. Perfect.

Save yourself!

Save my what?


GLORIA: - Melman?
- What?


Melman, why don't you wanna
spend time with me today?

What? No, it's not you. It's...

- it's me? You're dumping me?
- I'm what?

- On Valentine's Day?
- No!

You sick, sick giraffe!

- Gloria!

I don't wanna be irresistible any more!

Come back, Marty! Wait, where's Marty?


What are we doing here?

Who's Marty?

Beats me.

Oh, girl, I hope that's not permanent.

No more love potion.

Operation "Hula Rescue" is a go!

Skipper, she's heavily guarded.

Not for long.

Listen up, pretty boy, I may not have
your perfect tan or your chiseled abs

but I've got something you'll never have,
a wounded heart.

Dollface, it took losing you
to realize how much I need you in my life.

Just let me talk.

I used to think Valentine's Day
was just a superficial holiday

for sissies, wussies, and pansies.

But now I realize that buying cheap flowers
or some pre-packaged chocolate

isn't just a whacked-out
merchandising conspiracy,

it's also just a nice thing to do.

Huh! Not again!

Skipper! Code red!

Handle it!

- Goodbye!

Well, Hula Girl, I'm begging you.
Will you take me back?

Is that a yes? Or no?


Not my bobblehead!

Stop it!

Is it yes, you need more time?
Or, or no, you're not ready to answer?

Oh, come on, make up your mind!

You are mine now!

It's a yes!


Well, no hard feelings, kid.
Hope we can all stay friends.

No! No!

I don't get it. What happened today?

Well, it's his loss.

I'm over it!

What in the world?

Music? Dance number? Lady Liberty float?
Oh, Melman.

MELMAN: Come on, Julien.
I need that potion.

Mmm. I don't know.

Skinny, sickly guy like yourself.
What could you possibly do for me?

I can reach tall places.

Okay, deal.

Don't you make that deal,
Melman Menkowitz.

Oh, great. They're gonna make up.
Come on, Frankie.

Okay, this is like the sweetest thing
that anyone's ever tried to do for me.

Yeah, until I ruined it.

Baby, I didn't need all this.

All I wanted to know was that
you were thinking about me.

Hmm. Oh, I was thinking about you.


Yeah, well, here's someone
none of us was thinking about.


You know what? I think I know
something that might cheer him up.

"Roses are red, violets are blue,
I love writing myself Valentines,

but no one else seems to do it to me."

It's too wordy.


What the...


We know it's not like it was
back at the zoo, but...

- We could make you some more.
- No.

You got it just right.

It's not about how many cards you get,
it's about who you get them from.


Wow! No offense, but you stink!

You need a bath!

- In turpentine!

Ladies and gentlemen, gather around!

Oh, not again!

The King of Love is back with
a brand new bottle of...

And the lucky freak who gets
to try it first will be...

- Ha-ha!

- Ah!

It's okay. It's okay.
There's still some left.

Now, who wants it?

- Ew!

That is disgusting!

Oh, King Julien...

Oh, that's a nightmare coming.

Hey, you can't leave.

You must sign the contract.
Maurice, you're my lawyer. Do something!

I would advise against
any sudden movement right now, Julien.

Where is the love?