Worst. Christmas. Ever. (2018) - full transcript
Mayor McHenry
currently faces 12 counts
of corruption for his alleged
embezzlement of county funds
and could face a maximum
of 12 years in state prison.
I guess now we know
who to blame for all those
unfilled potholes around town.
Well, maybe they'll fill up
with snowflakes tonight, right, Stan?
That's right, Todd.
An Alberta clipper system,
a fast moving area
of low pressure is dragging
a cold front our way,
it's drawing moisture up from the south.
We're expecting between
three and six inches
worth of heavy, wet snow
by the time you wake up
for Christmas morning.
Christmas is... a happy time.
Yep, a real happy time.
I'm just saying,
Christmas ain't like it is
in those feel good movies.
Sometimes it could
be like, like...
Ho, ho, ho.
Like a cosmic kick in the dick.
When I was 11,
the local county judge
had a pretty shitty Christmas.
It was all over the news.
The judge comes home
late on Christmas Eve
and there was a hit man
waiting for him in the kitchen.
Could have been worse,
I mean, he lived.
That kind of stuff happens all
the time in East Jesus, Ohio.
We're just a scoot south
of bumblefuck Michigan
on the border of Pensyltucky.
Right square in a county
called trouble.
Some pretty messed up
shit goes on here,
on a daily, like, for reals.
For real?
Sorry.
That'll be all?
It'll be $10.99.
Would you like a bag with that?
Do you have a bathroom?
Dear God...
I know I don't
pray much ever, at all,
but if you really do exist,
if you really
are this all powerful,
all knowing being,
then please, just this once...
help me.
Please, please,
please, please, please, please.
Please, please...
please.
Oh.
Sophia!
Me-a Sophia, you stole my heart
and then I sharded.
- Sophia!
- Oh, my God.
What's you doing?
Walking, what does it look like?
It looks like
you could use a lift.
You could use a car.
Well, I got
my driver's permit last week
and I've been
delivering papers, so...
my uncle's Sunfire
will be mine in no time.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
By then I bet you could use
a ride but I might be too busy.
I thought you were in love with me?
Now you're going to be too busy.
I was in love in you,
that was last year.
Plus, I heard you're
with Trey Davis now.
We broke up. Kind of.
- I figured.
- What's that suppose to mean?
Well, when I was coming here,
I passed Madison Fatchek's house
and as soon as her dad
leaves, I see him walk in.
Fatchick, Fatchek?
She's not so fat anymore.
I heard she got
her stomach stapled.
Jimmy Stam says that
she's anorexic.
She's probably bulimic.
Those titties, still fat though.
You're so gross!
Just saying.
Isn't her dad a cop?
He's a detective and Jimmy Stam
told me that she helps
her cousin sell weed
and he doesn't detect shit.
That must be where Trey's
been getting faded.
He's probably getting
more than just weed.
- Stop.
- What?
Your shoe's untied.
The stupid thing
keeps coming undone.
You should double knot it.
You should hold on.
♪ It was the night before
Christmas Day ♪
♪ And all the elves was busy
loading up the sleigh ♪
♪ Jolly Santa was like
getting his kicks ♪
♪ And some old reindeer
was out learning new tricks ♪
♪ But one of the elves said
"Man, we got to go ♪
♪ We're way behind
and it's beginning to snow" ♪
♪ Just in Rudolph
with the bloody nose ♪
♪ Arrives Santa with his sleigh
and whiskey on his clothes ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho
ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ As jolly jingle bells
was ringing ♪
♪ All them little children
they was singing ♪
- Hi, Sophia.
- Hi, Sophia.
So when does
your stepdad go to work?
- He got fired.
- Again?
I know. Right?
What are you doing tonight?
- I don't know.
- My parents are going to the casino
and I know where
they keep their booze
if you want to go back to
my place and Netflix and chill.
- I can't.
- Yeah, right, whatever.
Noah.
Noah!
Why don't you
cook dinner for once?
Because I don't want to.
Why don't you
get off my nutsack?
You are such a prick.
- You want me to turn off the power again?
- Woman, please.
How many times we have to
go through this, Rayjon?
We need to save money, get that
through your freaking skull.
Yeah, and how much that outfit
cost at Penny's yesterday?
- I got that for work.
- Sure you did.
You really think it cost
more than those golf clubs
you got out in the garage?
Again with the golf clubs.
What'd you think, you were
Tiger Woods or something?
You're going to sell those
things tomorrow, you hear me?
No, I ain't.
If you don't then I will.
Go to work, Theresa.
At least I got a job,
you freaking deadbeat.
What did you say?
Eat... a... dick.
That's got
a good beat to it, right?
Real mature,
say it a little louder
so the kids can hear you.
Eat a dick, eat a dick,
take a big old bite,
or a little lick.
I should record that
right there.
We've all had a shitty Christmas
at one time or another, right?
Like, when I was four years old
my dumbass daddy robbed
a Quick Mart twice.
Ask my mom about that Christmas,
and all she'll say
is, "He didn't get me
nothing that year."
Why are you bitching at me?
Because you didn't get me
nothing for Christmas this year,
you cheap son of a bitch.
- Wait, what time is it?
- It's 11:53.
Well, it ain't
Christmas morning yet.
Where you going?
The night is young, Theresa.
The night is not young,
it's Christmas freaking Eve.
You can't get nothing now,
every where's closed.
We'll see about that.
- Nefantarter, holy shit, is that you?
- Yeah.
You look good, man,
like you've been lifting.
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
You need anything, man,
I got ups and downs,
- and loopty-loos.
- No, thanks, man.
I told you I'm good.
Been clean for two years.
You ain't noticed?
Two... two years, it's been
that long, holy shit, man,
I remember when you were
everyday, twice a day.
Yeah, not anymore.
Hey, hey, didn't you
go to jail or some shit
for leaving your kid in the car
while you were getting
a handy at the Rub & Tug?
Yeah, I was all doped out
on that crystal blue
shit back then.
Oh, yeah, crystal blue.
I got that
crystal blue shit, man.
Not anymore.
I know what you like, mama,
you like that white chocolate.
- $1.87.
- $1.87?
- Yes.
- Uh, that's a bit steep, ain't it?
- Tax.
- Yeah, yeah, tax my ass.
Shit, I forgot my wallet.
I'll tell you what, you pay me.
- What?
- You pay me.
Come on, open the register.
Open the register.
Next time you should, uh,
catch it with your hands, not your face.
Come on, come on,
underneath too.
Holy Christmas tits!
Is this for me?
Be a good little elf
and put it all in Santa's sack.
Uh-uh.
Hey, uh, sorry about your eye.
My daddy took all that money,
and put it straight in his arm.
Oh, shit.
Ah. I forgot the goddamn candy.
And I tell him, don't
you ever come back here,
or I'll kick your
shitty little ass, punk.
I forgot my candy
bar, but since I'm here,
why don't you do me a favor
and give me your wallet?
Please, sir, you've
already robbed us once.
No, I already robbed him.
Damn.
I'm sorry,
none of you guys can catch,
that's too bad.
Merry Christmas, fellas.
Oh, oh, there it is, oh, oh.
You cheap son of a bitch.
Theresa.
You didn't get me nothing
for Christmas this year.
Uh, that's not true.
I, I got you
your favorite candy bar.
Eat it, Daddy.
I want candy.
Oh. Oh!
- What kind are you going to get?
- Peanut butter.
I'm going to get caramel.
You should try
the white chocolate.
Mm. It's delicious.
My mom still pretends he OD'd,
but I'm too old
for Santa Clause and fairytales.
♪ I got big rocks in my pocket ♪
♪ And I love girls to stop it ♪
♪ Anybody want that smoke ♪
♪ Then I'll show
my pocket rockets ♪
♪ Hit the road ♪
All you all fools going to
get wasted when I get all this shit.
He sounds like a nuub.
What'd you say?
Yeah, total nuub.
Oh, who you calling nuub?
I'll smoke all you all fools.
Okay, nuub, whatever you say.
Oh, he's dead, get him, get him.
Man, shut up.
- He sucks.
- You all think you all are bad?
I ought to kick both of
your asses when I see you all.
You best believe that.
Come on, boys,
let's go to the mall.
Who wants to see Santa?
Yay!
What?
- Sophia.
- Go away!
Is everything
all right, sweetie?
You have to work
on Christmas Eve?
Yeah, we're doing
inventory today.
I could use the extra hours.
I'll be home by 11, don't worry.
Just makes sure dickhead downstairs
cooks something for dinner.
- Did you hear me?
- Yes!
You don't mind
if I borrow these, do you?
I'll give them back, I swear.
What's the matter, is it Trey?
What did he do now?
Mind your own business.
I was a teenager
once too, you know?
Until I got pregnant.
Anyways, been there done that.
I'm always here
if you need to talk.
- Mom.
- Oh, no, I can't right now, honey, I got to go.
Do me a favor though, stop by
and see your grandparents today.
- Do I have to?
- Yes, you have to.
- Why?
- Because they're old,
and they live,
like, five blocks away
and they're probably
going to die soon.
- And because I said so.
- Whatever!
You don't think Grandma
could use the extra help.
Malecia was supposed
to come over.
So go later,
they'd love to see you.
Fine, I'll go
but it's total bullshit.
- Sophia Hendrix, so help me, God.
- That is not my name.
Girl, sometimes I swear you act
like a spoiled little twat.
If you want to keep
your daddy's last name
and be known as the daughter
as an OD'd smack addict,
go ahead but don't come
crying to me again
when they start
bullying you in school.
Great, now I'm really
going to be late.
Can I use this?
I love you, sweetie.
Hey, I remember you,
you live on Easy Street, right?
Your mama like jewelry?
She got any diamonds?
Hey, where
the hoe, hoe, hoes at?
How about I take you
home with me tonight?
Could be my elf on the shelf.
No, thanks.
You ain't even my type.
Okay, everybody,
let's take a little break.
I'm sorry, folks, I just
need a word with old St. Nick.
We'll be open in ten minutes.
It's bad enough you show up
three sheets to the wind.
You smell like you parked your
sleigh up Rudolph's rotten asshole,
and you definitely can't smoke
the wacky tobacy here,
not in my mall.
You got something to say to me?
You son of a bitch,
you're fired!
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
best stay out my way ♪
♪ And if you don't
I take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey! ♪
♪ Jingle bells go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
this town this holiday ♪
♪ Stumbling through snow
on a street this Christmas Day ♪
♪ What time's
the pawn shop close ♪
♪ Pulled up, I'm on my way ♪
♪ Got a 40 in my hand
throwing shit up in my sack ♪
♪ Hope I don't get caught again
or jail I'm going back ♪
♪ I see you when you sleep
I see when you're awake ♪
♪ But if you try and stop me
you'll make a big mistake ♪
♪ Down your chimney
I will slide ♪
♪ On a cold and snowy night ♪
♪ Taking all your gifts
and, bitch, I'm out of sight ♪
♪ I'm out of sight ♪
♪ Out of sight ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight ♪
♪ Out of sight ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight
I'm out of sight ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight ♪
Damn, boy you going
to do me like that.
Hi, Mr. Hendricks,
is Sophia home?
Yeah, she upstairs.
Hi, Malecia.
Oh, what now, sucker?
Wait, that's not fair.
Who is it?
It's me, open up.
Thank you so
much for coming over.
Anything for my BFF.
Oh, God, your stepbrother
is such a freak.
Why, what'd he do now?
Notta, boy's just whack.
You have no idea, he sits
down there playing games
all day because
he has, like, zero friends.
What about the little boy
from down the street,
uh... Franki, what's his face?
Oh, RJ kicked
the crap out of him,
so now Mrs. Baylaw won't
let him come over anymore.
The boy's, like, ten years old.
- Yep.
- With asthma.
RJ gets picked on by all
the kids in his own grade,
so he pays that forward by
bullying anyone weaker than him.
Freakshow.
In other news,
so what's up with Sophia?
I'm pregnant.
Shut up, are you serious?
Oh, that's wild,
do you know who's it is?
Of course I know
who's it is, it's Trey's!
- Oh.
- What?
- Nothing.
- No, tell me, what?
It's like I heard
he was with Fatchick now.
No, he just gets
weed off of her.
That's not what I heard.
Can we focus
on the problem here?
- What's that?
- The baby, Malecia, the baby!
- Oh, gee, relax.
- Relax?
I cannot relax.
My mom is going to kill me.
My whole life is over!
I'm going to have
to drop out of school.
I'm going to have to get,
like, a job for diapers.
No, you won't,
that's what welfare's for.
What?
I'm going to get so fat!
Well, look at the bright side,
if Trey's into Madison Fatchek,
maybe he likes a little
extra cushion for the pushing.
Ow, sorry.
He's not with Fatchek.
Besides, heard she lost, like,
a lot of weight or something.
Oh, I have an idea.
- Well, spit it out.
- Girl, that's what you should have done.
Ow, sorry.
You could get an abortion.
You mean, like, kill it?
You can't kill something that's
not been born yet, can you?
I mean, I guess not.
Is that even legal?
Of course it's legal, it's been
legal since, like, the '80's.
Haven't you ever heard
of a woman's right to choose?
I thought it was choosing
the name or something.
No, dummy,
that means you can choose
to keep it or...
- So my mom would never know?
- Nope.
Nobody ever has to know.
Here, let's search it.
Ohio abortions... got it.
Well, what's it say?
Uh...
A parent must consent
before a minor gets an abortion.
My life is so over.
Want to go get pizza?
Go grab me another
six pack out the fridge.
- Can I get one?
- Yeah, no.
- Where you all going?
- Out.
You got to babysit
the boys next door.
- Uh, no one told me that.
- Yeah, the neighbor lady
came over this morning,
asked if you could watch them
while she do some
last minute Christmas shopping.
- So I told her, all right.
- Well, I can't.
Your mom going to be heated
when she find out.
- You know we need that scrilla.
- Sorry, not sorry.
Malecia!
I can babysit.
You?
- So when did it happen?
- What?
Oh, oh!
- Oh, yeah.
- On Thanksgiving.
Get out, he stuffed you
up on turkey day?
Was it at his house or yours?
He actually got in a huge fight
with his parents that night,
had nowhere to go to eat so
I invited him over to join us.
Oh, you're too sweet.
It actually happened in his car.
Next thing I knew
we were just doing it.
How'd you get pregnant?
Uh, last time I checked
there's only one way
to get pregnant.
- Didn't he use a condom?
- Yeah, at first.
Then it kept getting...
- soft.
- The condom?
No, him!
So he had to take it off.
Oh.
- Sophia!
- Oh, no.
I waited for my period,
it just never came.
- No way!
- What!
It's my mom, she says
someone broke into the house.
- Really?
- Sorry, bae, got to go.
Stay strong, girl,
you'll figure it out. Hundo p.
Oh, hell no,
they took our presents.
Sophia, won't you
ride with me-a?
Are you stalking me?
You wish I was stalking you.
So you're not stalking me?
No, I'm, uh,
I'm on my way to Walmart.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Walmart's that way.
- Oh, I mean, uh,
I mean, I'm coming
back from Walmart.
Oh. What'd you get?
I, uh, I shoplifted this gum,
you want a piece?
- You stole this?
- Maybe,
would that turn you on?
I mean, that's why you're
with Trey, right,
you like criminals.
No.
Huh. I just figured it
probably made you wet
every time he talks about juvie.
Ew.
He's 18 now, so no more juvie.
You know that's
so statutory right?
- Shut up!
- I'm just saying.
- So why him?
- Why not?
Because he's a complete tool.
- You're a tool!
- Good one.
Why do you think he's a tool?
Where do I even start?
Jimmy Stam told me his real name
is Edward Davis III.
He just calls himself
Trey to sound black.
He acts like he's all hood and
gangster, he's country as shit.
His dad's
the fishing warden, real hood.
And plus isn't he
supposed to be a senior?
He's failed
three years in a row.
He's a liar, he's an asshole
and he's a scumbag.
I bet he's cheating
on you right now.
People like him need
to be put in their place.
Okay, psycho, let's go.
- Where are we going?
- Madison Fatchek's house.
- Okey dokey, pretty lady.
- You're such a dork.
Oh, look at these losers.
Isn't that Trey's little slut?
Hey, watch this.
Fags!
Assholes.
I think those were Trey's friends.
- That's his whip, right?
- Yeah.
He probably stole it.
I told you so.
He's just smoking some weed,
it isn't even
that big of a deal.
Oh, snap!
- Busted.
- Oh.
Seriously?
Let's go!
Sophia,
it's not what it looks like!
You lied to me!
I'm sorry, shawty,
my head's all messed up,
I don't even know
what's going on.
Let that bitch go, Trey.
Who you calling a bitch, skank?
Tell her you're with
a real woman now.
Shut up, skank.
Sophia.
Okay, hoe, you gots to go.
I'm about to pop you
like a cherry on prom night.
Whoa!
Damn!
Oh.
- Are you getting that?
- Yep.
Oh, man.
- All right.
- Hell yeah!
Are you going to
help me up or what?
Hey, give me my shirt back.
Sophia, wait!
What are you looking at?
This one's going on YouTube!
- You okay?
- No.
Well, look,
my offer still stands,
nothing's better for a heartache
than a horror movie,
a bottle of 151 and some
Sprite to chase it down.
There's actually this flick
called, Silent Night, Deadly Night
- about a deranged...
- I can't.
Well, if Santa's not your thing,
there's always
Killer Klowns from Outer Space.
No, I can't come over.
Don't tell me
it's because of Trey,
he's cheating on you,
you saw it with your own eyes.
There's two types
of men in this world,
and he's neither of them.
You're smart, you're fun, you're
beautiful, you're perfect.
Stop.
What?
I'm...
Let me guess, you're
still in love with him?
I give up.
Noah.
I'm pregnant!
With his?
I guess I was wrong
about you, Sophia,
you're not
as smart as I thought.
Good luck.
- What?
- You're going to need it.
He spit on us!
What's wrong with you?
Hey.
You all right?
You need to talk?
Is this about that white boy
that thinks of himself
as a brother?
You just let me know,
I've been waiting months to slap
the black out of his mouth.
Or if it's a womanly issue,
your mom
won't be back for awhile,
but you can always
go to your Grandma's.
- Just go away!
- Okay.
I'm just trying to help, God.
How long you going to be in there?
I got to take a shit!
- Get off my porch.
- Grandpa.
- I will shoot.
- Grandpa, it's me, Sophia.
- Who?
- Your granddaughter!
Oh, yeah.
- Come on in, sweetie pie.
- Okay.
Go on, take a seat, sit down.
What happened to your eye?
- What's that?
- Your eye, what happened?
That ain't nothing, I'm fine.
I'm sorry, where are my manners,
would you like something
to drink some milk or pop?
No, thanks.
- You want to cookie?
- No, I'm good.
Well, suit yourself.
Where's Grandma at?
We just don't want
any trouble here, ma'am.
- You worthless piece of garbage!
- Hey!
- Ow!
- Settle down.
Okay, that was against the law.
Oh, who gives a shit.
I was just hoping
to talk to her.
Why, you have
a bad day at school?
Oh, there's no school today,
it's Christmas Eve.
Oh, yeah.
I knew that.
Can I ask you
a question, Grandpa?
Shoot, kiddo.
Why did you and Grandma
stop after Mom came along?
Like, why didn't you guys
have any more kids?
- We did.
- What?
Your mama...
she was actually
our second child.
She's got an older sister
out there somewhere.
What?
You know what,
your grandma would fry
my balls for breakfast
if she knew I was going to tell you
this, but guess what, kiddy...
want you get to my age
you start passing secrets
like you pass gas.
Oh, Grandpa.
It's milk.
So what happened to her?
- Who's that?
- Mom's sister.
You know that story about how
me and your Grandma met,
don't you?
Yeah, at a Cleveland Indians
game, right?
We didn't meet
at no Indians game,
that was just a,
just a bunch of hog wash
your grandma told everyone.
Christ, we, we met at a church.
You and Grandma went to church?
Hell yes,
we went in to church.
That was damn near 50 years ago.
You see your grandma
was real religious back then.
I attended
on a regular basis, though
I wasn't much
for the singing and dancing
till I met her.
From that moment on
there was no getting between us.
Good Lord!
Oh, my God, oh, oh,
oh, my God, oh, oh,
amen, oh, amen, oh, my God!
Long story short...
I put a bun in her over.
And after a few months,
that baby girl was upon us.
So we put her up for adoption.
Why?
Well, I didn't have a job,
we had no way
to support her and it's...
sometimes life only gives you
one choice in the moment.
I always hoped that
she had a good life,
she, she found a good family
that loved her
and took care of her.
Anyway, Grandma and me,
we moved on.
After a few years,
I got a job at the mill.
We built a house
and we started trying again.
That's when your mama came along
and believe me, with all the
spit and vinegar in her veins,
one was enough.
Wow.
Yeah.
Funny thing is we, we ain't
never been back to church since.
So I bought myself
a wedding coat
and I met her at the courthouse.
- And that was that.
- Yeah.
And that, sweetie pie, was that.
Son of a bitch,
what time is it?
Uh, it's a quarter past eight.
Yeah, I forgot to take
my cholesterol pills.
Are you sure I can't get
you something to eat?
No, thanks, Grandpa, I haven't had
much of an appetite today anyway.
Plus, I got to get going.
Bye, Grandpa.
Hey, tell Grandma I said hi.
Okay.
Bye!
Yeah, Grandma.
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Round young virgin ♪
What a crock of shit.
You really think
she was a virgin?
You think anyone around here
would believe me
if I said Jesus knocked me up?
Yeah, that's what I'll go with,
immaculate conception.
Yep, Jesus is the one,
Jesus is the daddy,
he knocked me up,
I'm still a virgin.
Give me a goddamn break.
♪ Sleep in ♪
♪ Heavenly peace ♪
You guys know any Tupac?
Your brother was being a bad
boy, but if your mommy asks,
he fell down when you were
playing tag, you understand?
Now get up and go lay in bed.
Bring that ass over here...
please?
Okay, okay, okay, I deserved
that, I deserved that.
Look, I'm so sorry, girl.
Have you even got my texts, I've been
blowing up the phone like a hella cray.
I don't know what
I was thinking.
Maybe I thought, you know,
you're on a break, or something,
like my dick is in her mouth,
but my heart is
in your hands, you feel me?
- Trey, I have something to tell you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Let me finish, let me finish.
I know I made a mistake,
but the truth is that hoe
ain't got nothing on you, girl.
You're my one and only,
the peanut butter
to my jelly sandwich, girl.
- I love you.
- I'm pregnant.
I love everything...
Wait, what?
You heard me.
That shit ain't mine.
I know that shit
for reals ain't mine.
- Who's do you think it is?
- I don't know,
maybe it's that one kid
you've been hanging with.
What's his name, Noah Vanhomo?
- No.
- I see the way he look at you.
- He hit that, huh?
- No.
- I know he hit that.
- Trey.
You're the only person
I've ever been with.
You expect me to believe that?
How dumb you think I am?
You're about making all this up
just to try to win me back.
- Win you back?
- Yeah.
And you just jelly
because I moved on with my life.
It ain't going to work.
Trey, I'm serious,
this is your baby.
- This our baby.
- Stop...
saying that.
What are we going to do?
There is no we
in this situation.
Is what are you going to do?
Gee.
Sophia!
Coming up at 11,
officials are calling it
an opioid epidemic.
So what can parents do
to make sure their kids
stay off the white horse?
Plus, a string
of Christmas Eve robberies
have been reported around town.
So be sure to keep
the doors locked tight tonight.
And full details on the charges
levied at Mayor McHenry.
Just how much money
is he accused of stealing
from the county road department?
All that and more
at First Action News 11.
If either one of you's
tells on me...
Now go to bed.
RJ?
Sophia?
♪ Eat a dick eat, eat, eat a dick ♪
♪ Take a big old bite
or a little lick ♪
- Yeah?
- Did you cook dinner?
No, I didn't cook
no damn dinner, I told you.
- Rayjon, I swear to God I bust my ass every week...
- Babe.
- ...working overtime then I have to come home...
- Babe.
- ...and cook and clean and do the dishes.
- Baby.
- All while you sit on your lazy ass.
- Bitch, relax!
- I'll pick something up.
- What did you call me?
- Damn.
- Consider this your New Year's resolution,
either you get a job
and get your shit together...
Oops, lost you.
Thanks again for watching them. I am so
surprised that they're asleep already.
They're great kids, really.
They're a little
rough though, like I said,
one minute
they're playing tag then
all of a sudden it became
a full blown fist fight.
What? Dear lord.
Don't worry, I put an end
to that real quick.
Here, take this,
thank you so much.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Sup?
Going to get some food,
you want anything?
- Yeah, where you going?
- Doghouse.
Um, strawberry milkshake.
- Boy, you into some fruity shit, huh?
- You all right to drive?
Don't come at me
like that strawberry shake.
I'm fine.
How much scoobs was given
you for watching them brats?
Thirty bucks.
Seriously?
You want that milkshake or not?
Milkshakes don't cost 30 bucks.
The ones at Doghouse do.
Here, but I keep the rest,
because it's my house,
and it's my rules.
Cheer up, son, you're only
got three or four more years
then you're ass
enlist in the Marines,
then you're Uncle Sam's problem.
Come on, man, put them up.
Come on, boy,
put them up, put them up.
What's you going
to do now, sucker?
Please pick up, Noah.
Under two minutes to
go on the ninth annual achievements
high efficiency toilet bowl.
The Penguins look
sluggish all day but had to
get another turnover
by the Grasshoppers offense.
...from a colossal upset here.
I haven't seen
anything this sloppy
since I walked in on my wife
with a special teams unit.
Whoa, buddy, whoa,
save that one for the post
game show, huh?
♪ I'm just chilling
with my crew thinking of ways ♪
♪ To get them dollars
I'm just... ♪
We'll be right back with more
from the Hughes High
Efficiency Toilet Bowl
- brought to you by...
- Have you heard about the mayor, folks?
Yeah, this guy's
a real piece of work.
I am sick and tired...
♪ I did something crazy ♪
♪ And I won't
remember it tomorrow ♪
Don't be cocking me, fool,
I go 187, blah, blah, blah.
If you've
been living under a rock
and you have not heard by now,
the mayor
of our wonderful little town
was arrested this morning.
That's right, folks,
I'm going to say it again.
The mayor arrested
on freaking
Christmas Eve of all days.
Looks like he's getting
a lump of coal in his stocking.
I'd like to slap him
upside the head with it.
They said he took hundreds
of thousands of dollars
from the road department.
Yeah, those same
busted ass roads
you're probably
driving on right now
with the three foot
craters in them.
These roads we supposedly
paid for with our taxes.
This degenerate thought
he could get away with it, ha.
Walk in, Trey Trey,
man up, take responsibility.
Let's go, Trey Trey, let's go!
Let's go.
Nightly Talk Radio is
sponsored by Shark Power Washing,
that's the real Sharp Power
Washing, got a dirty deck,
call Sharp Power Washing,
big or small, light or dark,
they'll make your deck look
cleaner, whiter, girthier.
The whole neighborhood will be
talking about your sharp deck.
Sharp Power Washing remember,
the other guys might power wash
but they ain't real sharp.
Soph, it's me.
I'm sorry
for what I said, shawty.
Look, I'll help you
find a doctor,
I'll even pay for it.
Just please open the door.
Sophia, you should be with me-a!
But you're a fool to be tool.
This is it,
the clock is ticking
and the game's on the line.
So if you have something to say
about the mayor, I'd like to hear it.
- Oh, man. Yeah.
- We're going to open up the phone lines right now.
300-888-72...
On their feet,
it's all up to Noah Vanmeter now
but I don't know, Chip,
he looks kind of drunk.
- Noah, Noah, Noah!
- There's the snap.
The kick is up and it's...
- Noah, Noah, Noah, Noah!
- It's good!
With these stinking
politicians is crooked...
Noah, Noah,
Noah, Noah, Noah!
Shoe's untied.
Better double knot it.
888-70...
There.
Jesus!
These damn potholes.
I ain't going to tax
my unemployment
when they fix the damn roads,
corrupt mother...
Mommy.
What the hell, he don't
even look nothing like me.
What, take that, Santa.
I hope you meet a nice
big fellow behind bars, Mr. Mayor,
a big old bubba who makes
a pothole out of your behind.
Pay that, pal.
Settle down.
Would you like to
try our new
Chihuahua sirachi burger?
Um, yeah, give me one of those,
a hound dog,
a Yorkie and, um...
two golden retrievers.
Anything else?
A strawberry shake.
A strawberry shake. Is that all?
Give me some extra fries too.
Okay, your total is $17.79.
I'll tell you what...
lose the extra fries.
Whoa, damn,
girl, you packing now?
That's that
Dirty Harry shit, damn.
Oh, oh, oh, okay,
okay, okay, Soph.
You don't have to do this.
- Where's your dad?
- He went to get food.
Son of a...
21 cents.
Holy balls!
What?
- Where's Sophia?
- I don't know.
You're not alone, I'm here.
We could do whatever you want.
Just put the gun down.
I think Dad's home.
Turn it off, time to eat.
Welcome back to
First Action News at 11.
Oh, shit.
Rayjon?
- I'm so sorry.
- Are you drunk?
I'm so sorry!
Sorry for what?
What did you do?
Answer it.
It's nobody.
Get on your knees,
show me your hands!
Hey, I said on your knees!
Hey, freeze, freeze!
We got a runner.
Freeze, hey!
Right in the fucking knee!
Kid, hey!
Kid, freaking golf clubs. Oh!
Come on.
Get off of me.
Hey, dispatch, what was
the make on that 1022?
Please forgive me!
Somebody tell me
what the hell's going on!
Do it now!
On speaker.
Hey, sexy,
did you dump that hoe yet or what?
Oh!
Huh?
What was that?
I need backup.
You shot me!
You shot me in the dick!
Dear God, Lord,
your highness, whatever,
it's me again,
Sophia Nefantarter.
Oh, my winkie!
Thank you,
thank you for this gift.
The gift of life.
I ask for your forgiveness
for all the bad shit
that I've done,
for all the bad shit
my family's done.
Please forgive us.
And please, God...
more than anything else...
don't let them
take my baby away.
Don't let anyone
take my baby away.
♪ All I want
for Christmas, yeah ♪
♪ I said, all I want
for Christmas ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ All I want for Christmas yeah, yeah ♪
- Whoa.
♪ All I want for Christmas
is two bad bitches ♪
♪ A big bag of weed
and a Charger on six's ♪
♪ A fresh pair of jeans and a brand new birdie ♪
♪ If I don't get
everything on my list ♪
♪ Santa's getting
murdered, murdered ♪
♪ All I want for Christmas
is two bad bitches ♪
♪ A big bag of weed
and a Charger on six's ♪
♪ A fresh pair of jeans
and a brand new birdie ♪
♪ If I don't get
everything on my list ♪
♪ Santa's getting
murdered, murdered ♪
♪ I'm a the studio
with your bitch on the low ♪
♪ Get your winter coats because
I'm about to make it snow ♪
♪ I saw mama kissing Santa
Clause underneath the mistletoe ♪
♪ So I called that bitch a hoe ♪
Breaking news now coming
to us from KB's Doghouse
on state route 12.
For more we go to Guy Sanders
live on location.
Guy, what can you tell us?
Well, Todd, state highway patrol
are now investigating
what seems to be
a grizzly hit and run
which occurred sometime
before 10:46 p.m.
When a man in a red pickup truck
came to this drive through
to get something to eat.
When I looked out
I couldn't believe my eyes.
It was a bloody mess down there.
There was blood everywhere
and an arm sticking out.
There was a body
under that truck.
That's when the
suspect left the scene
as well as the victim
on the side of the road.
It was ridiculous. I think
he gave me the thumbs up.
Vicki and Todd back to you.
Me, oh, my, that is just...
bizarre.
- Yeah.
- You know?
Todd, that's the perfect word
to encapsulate
how I feel about that...
bizarre story.
- Thank you, Guy.
- Gruesome.
In other local news,
community church preschoolers
took a field trip to the
metropark's farm this morning.
But you're never going to guess
what the children learned
about this squirrel's nuts.
♪ No presents for Christmas
for us when we was growing up ♪
♪ We don't celebrate holidays
on the block we posted up ♪
♪ They stuck them stuck them
stuck them back of the head ♪
♪ Because they got no dough ♪
Mayor McHenry currently
faces 12 counts
of corruption for his alleged
embezzlement of county funds,
and could face a maximum
of 12 years in state prison.
I guess now we know who to blame for
all those unfilled potholes around town.
♪ ...or what, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ I'm making myself
a wish list ♪
You can't do this to me!
You got the wrong guy.
- I'm the mayor.
- Well, I'm running for the black guy.
Don't make me tase you, bro.
♪ I want more money
more bitches ♪
♪ One who can suck it
and lick it ♪
♪ And one who can cook
and wash dishes ♪
I didn't...
I didn't do anything.
I'm a good,
I'm a good man.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,
I'm sorry.
- Mama, I'm sorry!
- Come on watch your step.
I didn't do it.
We will transfer juvies
to JDE in a bit.
The rest of you'un's stay put until
Judge Cheryl shows up tomorrow.
But with that being
the holiday and all...
Merry Christmas.
Hold my pocket.
Grandma?
I'm the mayor now!
♪ My name ring bells
hear jingle bells ♪
♪ I'm dressed in all red
but I ain't Kris Kringle ♪
♪ They hate me
they call me the Grinch ♪
♪ I'm robbing your house
yeah, I'm hitting a lick ♪
♪ I'm taking your presents
I'm taking your bitch ♪
♪ Taking your tree
and I'm leaving you sick ♪
Next time in East Jesus, Ohio.
Oh, give it to me,
ah, oh yeah, give it to me.
Oh yeah, oh yeah!
Oh yeah, oh yeah, call me a pig.
Oh yeah, you filthy pig.
Oh yeah, piggie.
Damn it!
- What?
- Hurry up in there.
It's Valentine's Day, damn it!
I got to get ready
for my big date,
and you're hogging
all the hot water,
you inconsiderate little prick!
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah, piggie.
You beat off too much.
You're bound to go blind, son.
I should know, how do you
think I got these cataracts?
What the...
- All right, all right, all right.
- Action.
Just go away!
Okay. I was just
trying to help. Good God.
How long you going to be in there?
I got to take the Browns
to the Superbowl.
I got to unloose the caboose.
I got to drop
the property value.
I got to launch the missiles!
I got to loose the cracking.
I got to drop a swamp pie.
I got to drop a baby otter.
Oh, I got to
churn some dookie butter. Oh.
It's dripping down my leg!
Okay, I could use a laugh.
What? I'm not funny.
Come at me, blondie.
You know how I lost
the weight, Krav Maga.
Yep, Jesus
knocked me up.
It must be my lucky day,
first I get some ass,
now I get to kick some ass.
I'm not 16 and pregnant.
Ah, you're cute, but I'm
about to make you real ugly.
Goddamn slut.
I hope you're hungry,
because you're about
to eat the pavement.
Aa!
I think it's that
time of the month
for me to kick your ass.
Now this feels dirty.
♪ It was the night before
Christmas Day ♪
♪ And all the elves was busy
loading up the sleigh ♪
♪ Jolly Santa was like
getting his kicks ♪
♪ And some old reindeer
was like learning new tricks ♪
♪ But one of the elves said
"Man, we got to go ♪
♪ We're way behind
and it's beginning to snow" ♪
♪ Just in Rudolph
with the bloody nose ♪
♪ Come riding Santa with stains
and whiskey on his clothes ♪
♪ Mrs. Clause says, "Santa, baby
now where you been all night? ♪
♪ You got about 45 minutes
before the daylight" ♪
♪ Big man grabbed his boots
Santa was on his way ♪
♪ He started flying into JFK ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho
ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ And shiny jingle bells
was ringing ♪
♪ And all the little children
they were singing ♪
♪ Ho ♪
♪ Then Santa pulled in
to New York town ♪
♪ That customs agent
was weighing him down ♪
♪ Said, "Mr. Clause your
passport is 100 years old" ♪
♪ Again off with you Santa
knock the man out cold ♪
♪ Went to the city
told the CIA ♪
♪ Santa creeped
and flea the USA ♪
♪ Made his escape
and was riding real cool ♪
♪ But they shot him down
over Istanbul ♪
♪ And all the reindeer
started running around ♪
♪ And all the toys was
broken laying on the ground ♪
♪ Santa ran to the nearest house
and he bust down the door ♪
♪ Which is where he passed out
upon the floor ♪
♪ Said, ho, ho, ho
ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho
ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ And shining jingle bells
was ringing ♪
♪ And all the little children
they were singing ♪
♪ Ho ♪
♪ And Santa woke up
on Christmas Day ♪
♪ He ran around
and was laughing all the way ♪
♪ Santa Clause like
a fat, foolish elf ♪
♪ And realized that
he had shot himself ♪
♪ He bought a ticket
on the train ♪
♪ And with a little pride
that remained ♪
♪ He shouted
and he gave such a fright ♪
♪ Merry Christmas
and have a good night ♪
♪ And ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho
ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ And shining jingle bells
was ringing ♪
♪ And all the little children
they were still singing ♪
♪ Ho ♪
Oh, my God, oh, oh, my God!
Mary mother of God!
Oh, for heaven's sake!
Sweet Jesus!
Holy moly!
Holy mackerel!
Holy Toledo!
Holy shit!
Oh, my God!
Oh, oh, oh, my God!
Oh, amen!
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
better stay out of my way ♪
♪ And if you don't
I'll take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ I said, oh, what fun it is
to ride this town this holiday ♪
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
better stay out of my way ♪
♪ And if you don't
I take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ I said, oh, what fun it is
to ride this town this holiday ♪
♪ Strumming through the snow
on a street this Christmas Day ♪
♪ What time's
the pawn shop close ♪
♪ Pulled up I'm on my way ♪
♪ Got a 40 in my hand
throwing shit up in my sack ♪
♪ Hope I don't get caught again
or jail I'm going back ♪
♪ I see when you're asleep ♪
♪ I see when you're awake ♪
♪ But if you try and stop me
you'll make a big mistake ♪
♪ Down the chimney
I will slide ♪
♪ On a cold and snowy night ♪
♪ Taking all your gifts
and, bitch, I'm out of sight ♪
♪ Out of sight ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight ♪
♪ Out of sight ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight ♪
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
best stay out of my way ♪
♪ And you don't
I take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ I said, oh, what fun it is
to ride this town this holiday ♪
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
best stay out of my way ♪
♪ And if you don't
I take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ I said, oh, what fun it is
to ride this town this holiday ♪
♪ Don't work at the mall ♪
♪ These jells
can suck my balls ♪
♪ Go ahead and stare
I'll, bitch, slap all you all ♪
♪ Your kids ain't getting shit ♪
♪ They're little
naughty pricks ♪
♪ And your address is next
here on my shopping list ♪
♪ I take my cookies
with some weed ♪
♪ Your tobacco is all I need ♪
♪ Get that shit out of my face ♪
♪ Because they don't
know how to read ♪
♪ It's freezing cold out here ♪
♪ Can't afford
no damn rain gear ♪
♪ But even though I'm broke ♪
♪ Your joke is the favorite
time of year ♪
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
best stay out my way ♪
♪ And if you don't
I take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ I said, oh, what fun it is
to ride this town this holiday ♪
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
you best stay out my way ♪
♪ And if you don't
I'll take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ I said, oh, what fun it is
to ride this town this holiday ♪
♪ Worst Christmas ever ♪
♪ God, I'm taking
all your shit ♪
♪ What, what, what, what, what ♪
Oh, shit!
You shot me in the dick!
My willy!
My wee-wee!
My ding-dong!
My tommy whacker!
My wang, my bologny bony!
My little Trey Trey.
currently faces 12 counts
of corruption for his alleged
embezzlement of county funds
and could face a maximum
of 12 years in state prison.
I guess now we know
who to blame for all those
unfilled potholes around town.
Well, maybe they'll fill up
with snowflakes tonight, right, Stan?
That's right, Todd.
An Alberta clipper system,
a fast moving area
of low pressure is dragging
a cold front our way,
it's drawing moisture up from the south.
We're expecting between
three and six inches
worth of heavy, wet snow
by the time you wake up
for Christmas morning.
Christmas is... a happy time.
Yep, a real happy time.
I'm just saying,
Christmas ain't like it is
in those feel good movies.
Sometimes it could
be like, like...
Ho, ho, ho.
Like a cosmic kick in the dick.
When I was 11,
the local county judge
had a pretty shitty Christmas.
It was all over the news.
The judge comes home
late on Christmas Eve
and there was a hit man
waiting for him in the kitchen.
Could have been worse,
I mean, he lived.
That kind of stuff happens all
the time in East Jesus, Ohio.
We're just a scoot south
of bumblefuck Michigan
on the border of Pensyltucky.
Right square in a county
called trouble.
Some pretty messed up
shit goes on here,
on a daily, like, for reals.
For real?
Sorry.
That'll be all?
It'll be $10.99.
Would you like a bag with that?
Do you have a bathroom?
Dear God...
I know I don't
pray much ever, at all,
but if you really do exist,
if you really
are this all powerful,
all knowing being,
then please, just this once...
help me.
Please, please,
please, please, please, please.
Please, please...
please.
Oh.
Sophia!
Me-a Sophia, you stole my heart
and then I sharded.
- Sophia!
- Oh, my God.
What's you doing?
Walking, what does it look like?
It looks like
you could use a lift.
You could use a car.
Well, I got
my driver's permit last week
and I've been
delivering papers, so...
my uncle's Sunfire
will be mine in no time.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
By then I bet you could use
a ride but I might be too busy.
I thought you were in love with me?
Now you're going to be too busy.
I was in love in you,
that was last year.
Plus, I heard you're
with Trey Davis now.
We broke up. Kind of.
- I figured.
- What's that suppose to mean?
Well, when I was coming here,
I passed Madison Fatchek's house
and as soon as her dad
leaves, I see him walk in.
Fatchick, Fatchek?
She's not so fat anymore.
I heard she got
her stomach stapled.
Jimmy Stam says that
she's anorexic.
She's probably bulimic.
Those titties, still fat though.
You're so gross!
Just saying.
Isn't her dad a cop?
He's a detective and Jimmy Stam
told me that she helps
her cousin sell weed
and he doesn't detect shit.
That must be where Trey's
been getting faded.
He's probably getting
more than just weed.
- Stop.
- What?
Your shoe's untied.
The stupid thing
keeps coming undone.
You should double knot it.
You should hold on.
♪ It was the night before
Christmas Day ♪
♪ And all the elves was busy
loading up the sleigh ♪
♪ Jolly Santa was like
getting his kicks ♪
♪ And some old reindeer
was out learning new tricks ♪
♪ But one of the elves said
"Man, we got to go ♪
♪ We're way behind
and it's beginning to snow" ♪
♪ Just in Rudolph
with the bloody nose ♪
♪ Arrives Santa with his sleigh
and whiskey on his clothes ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho
ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ As jolly jingle bells
was ringing ♪
♪ All them little children
they was singing ♪
- Hi, Sophia.
- Hi, Sophia.
So when does
your stepdad go to work?
- He got fired.
- Again?
I know. Right?
What are you doing tonight?
- I don't know.
- My parents are going to the casino
and I know where
they keep their booze
if you want to go back to
my place and Netflix and chill.
- I can't.
- Yeah, right, whatever.
Noah.
Noah!
Why don't you
cook dinner for once?
Because I don't want to.
Why don't you
get off my nutsack?
You are such a prick.
- You want me to turn off the power again?
- Woman, please.
How many times we have to
go through this, Rayjon?
We need to save money, get that
through your freaking skull.
Yeah, and how much that outfit
cost at Penny's yesterday?
- I got that for work.
- Sure you did.
You really think it cost
more than those golf clubs
you got out in the garage?
Again with the golf clubs.
What'd you think, you were
Tiger Woods or something?
You're going to sell those
things tomorrow, you hear me?
No, I ain't.
If you don't then I will.
Go to work, Theresa.
At least I got a job,
you freaking deadbeat.
What did you say?
Eat... a... dick.
That's got
a good beat to it, right?
Real mature,
say it a little louder
so the kids can hear you.
Eat a dick, eat a dick,
take a big old bite,
or a little lick.
I should record that
right there.
We've all had a shitty Christmas
at one time or another, right?
Like, when I was four years old
my dumbass daddy robbed
a Quick Mart twice.
Ask my mom about that Christmas,
and all she'll say
is, "He didn't get me
nothing that year."
Why are you bitching at me?
Because you didn't get me
nothing for Christmas this year,
you cheap son of a bitch.
- Wait, what time is it?
- It's 11:53.
Well, it ain't
Christmas morning yet.
Where you going?
The night is young, Theresa.
The night is not young,
it's Christmas freaking Eve.
You can't get nothing now,
every where's closed.
We'll see about that.
- Nefantarter, holy shit, is that you?
- Yeah.
You look good, man,
like you've been lifting.
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
You need anything, man,
I got ups and downs,
- and loopty-loos.
- No, thanks, man.
I told you I'm good.
Been clean for two years.
You ain't noticed?
Two... two years, it's been
that long, holy shit, man,
I remember when you were
everyday, twice a day.
Yeah, not anymore.
Hey, hey, didn't you
go to jail or some shit
for leaving your kid in the car
while you were getting
a handy at the Rub & Tug?
Yeah, I was all doped out
on that crystal blue
shit back then.
Oh, yeah, crystal blue.
I got that
crystal blue shit, man.
Not anymore.
I know what you like, mama,
you like that white chocolate.
- $1.87.
- $1.87?
- Yes.
- Uh, that's a bit steep, ain't it?
- Tax.
- Yeah, yeah, tax my ass.
Shit, I forgot my wallet.
I'll tell you what, you pay me.
- What?
- You pay me.
Come on, open the register.
Open the register.
Next time you should, uh,
catch it with your hands, not your face.
Come on, come on,
underneath too.
Holy Christmas tits!
Is this for me?
Be a good little elf
and put it all in Santa's sack.
Uh-uh.
Hey, uh, sorry about your eye.
My daddy took all that money,
and put it straight in his arm.
Oh, shit.
Ah. I forgot the goddamn candy.
And I tell him, don't
you ever come back here,
or I'll kick your
shitty little ass, punk.
I forgot my candy
bar, but since I'm here,
why don't you do me a favor
and give me your wallet?
Please, sir, you've
already robbed us once.
No, I already robbed him.
Damn.
I'm sorry,
none of you guys can catch,
that's too bad.
Merry Christmas, fellas.
Oh, oh, there it is, oh, oh.
You cheap son of a bitch.
Theresa.
You didn't get me nothing
for Christmas this year.
Uh, that's not true.
I, I got you
your favorite candy bar.
Eat it, Daddy.
I want candy.
Oh. Oh!
- What kind are you going to get?
- Peanut butter.
I'm going to get caramel.
You should try
the white chocolate.
Mm. It's delicious.
My mom still pretends he OD'd,
but I'm too old
for Santa Clause and fairytales.
♪ I got big rocks in my pocket ♪
♪ And I love girls to stop it ♪
♪ Anybody want that smoke ♪
♪ Then I'll show
my pocket rockets ♪
♪ Hit the road ♪
All you all fools going to
get wasted when I get all this shit.
He sounds like a nuub.
What'd you say?
Yeah, total nuub.
Oh, who you calling nuub?
I'll smoke all you all fools.
Okay, nuub, whatever you say.
Oh, he's dead, get him, get him.
Man, shut up.
- He sucks.
- You all think you all are bad?
I ought to kick both of
your asses when I see you all.
You best believe that.
Come on, boys,
let's go to the mall.
Who wants to see Santa?
Yay!
What?
- Sophia.
- Go away!
Is everything
all right, sweetie?
You have to work
on Christmas Eve?
Yeah, we're doing
inventory today.
I could use the extra hours.
I'll be home by 11, don't worry.
Just makes sure dickhead downstairs
cooks something for dinner.
- Did you hear me?
- Yes!
You don't mind
if I borrow these, do you?
I'll give them back, I swear.
What's the matter, is it Trey?
What did he do now?
Mind your own business.
I was a teenager
once too, you know?
Until I got pregnant.
Anyways, been there done that.
I'm always here
if you need to talk.
- Mom.
- Oh, no, I can't right now, honey, I got to go.
Do me a favor though, stop by
and see your grandparents today.
- Do I have to?
- Yes, you have to.
- Why?
- Because they're old,
and they live,
like, five blocks away
and they're probably
going to die soon.
- And because I said so.
- Whatever!
You don't think Grandma
could use the extra help.
Malecia was supposed
to come over.
So go later,
they'd love to see you.
Fine, I'll go
but it's total bullshit.
- Sophia Hendrix, so help me, God.
- That is not my name.
Girl, sometimes I swear you act
like a spoiled little twat.
If you want to keep
your daddy's last name
and be known as the daughter
as an OD'd smack addict,
go ahead but don't come
crying to me again
when they start
bullying you in school.
Great, now I'm really
going to be late.
Can I use this?
I love you, sweetie.
Hey, I remember you,
you live on Easy Street, right?
Your mama like jewelry?
She got any diamonds?
Hey, where
the hoe, hoe, hoes at?
How about I take you
home with me tonight?
Could be my elf on the shelf.
No, thanks.
You ain't even my type.
Okay, everybody,
let's take a little break.
I'm sorry, folks, I just
need a word with old St. Nick.
We'll be open in ten minutes.
It's bad enough you show up
three sheets to the wind.
You smell like you parked your
sleigh up Rudolph's rotten asshole,
and you definitely can't smoke
the wacky tobacy here,
not in my mall.
You got something to say to me?
You son of a bitch,
you're fired!
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
best stay out my way ♪
♪ And if you don't
I take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey! ♪
♪ Jingle bells go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
this town this holiday ♪
♪ Stumbling through snow
on a street this Christmas Day ♪
♪ What time's
the pawn shop close ♪
♪ Pulled up, I'm on my way ♪
♪ Got a 40 in my hand
throwing shit up in my sack ♪
♪ Hope I don't get caught again
or jail I'm going back ♪
♪ I see you when you sleep
I see when you're awake ♪
♪ But if you try and stop me
you'll make a big mistake ♪
♪ Down your chimney
I will slide ♪
♪ On a cold and snowy night ♪
♪ Taking all your gifts
and, bitch, I'm out of sight ♪
♪ I'm out of sight ♪
♪ Out of sight ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight ♪
♪ Out of sight ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight
I'm out of sight ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight ♪
Damn, boy you going
to do me like that.
Hi, Mr. Hendricks,
is Sophia home?
Yeah, she upstairs.
Hi, Malecia.
Oh, what now, sucker?
Wait, that's not fair.
Who is it?
It's me, open up.
Thank you so
much for coming over.
Anything for my BFF.
Oh, God, your stepbrother
is such a freak.
Why, what'd he do now?
Notta, boy's just whack.
You have no idea, he sits
down there playing games
all day because
he has, like, zero friends.
What about the little boy
from down the street,
uh... Franki, what's his face?
Oh, RJ kicked
the crap out of him,
so now Mrs. Baylaw won't
let him come over anymore.
The boy's, like, ten years old.
- Yep.
- With asthma.
RJ gets picked on by all
the kids in his own grade,
so he pays that forward by
bullying anyone weaker than him.
Freakshow.
In other news,
so what's up with Sophia?
I'm pregnant.
Shut up, are you serious?
Oh, that's wild,
do you know who's it is?
Of course I know
who's it is, it's Trey's!
- Oh.
- What?
- Nothing.
- No, tell me, what?
It's like I heard
he was with Fatchick now.
No, he just gets
weed off of her.
That's not what I heard.
Can we focus
on the problem here?
- What's that?
- The baby, Malecia, the baby!
- Oh, gee, relax.
- Relax?
I cannot relax.
My mom is going to kill me.
My whole life is over!
I'm going to have
to drop out of school.
I'm going to have to get,
like, a job for diapers.
No, you won't,
that's what welfare's for.
What?
I'm going to get so fat!
Well, look at the bright side,
if Trey's into Madison Fatchek,
maybe he likes a little
extra cushion for the pushing.
Ow, sorry.
He's not with Fatchek.
Besides, heard she lost, like,
a lot of weight or something.
Oh, I have an idea.
- Well, spit it out.
- Girl, that's what you should have done.
Ow, sorry.
You could get an abortion.
You mean, like, kill it?
You can't kill something that's
not been born yet, can you?
I mean, I guess not.
Is that even legal?
Of course it's legal, it's been
legal since, like, the '80's.
Haven't you ever heard
of a woman's right to choose?
I thought it was choosing
the name or something.
No, dummy,
that means you can choose
to keep it or...
- So my mom would never know?
- Nope.
Nobody ever has to know.
Here, let's search it.
Ohio abortions... got it.
Well, what's it say?
Uh...
A parent must consent
before a minor gets an abortion.
My life is so over.
Want to go get pizza?
Go grab me another
six pack out the fridge.
- Can I get one?
- Yeah, no.
- Where you all going?
- Out.
You got to babysit
the boys next door.
- Uh, no one told me that.
- Yeah, the neighbor lady
came over this morning,
asked if you could watch them
while she do some
last minute Christmas shopping.
- So I told her, all right.
- Well, I can't.
Your mom going to be heated
when she find out.
- You know we need that scrilla.
- Sorry, not sorry.
Malecia!
I can babysit.
You?
- So when did it happen?
- What?
Oh, oh!
- Oh, yeah.
- On Thanksgiving.
Get out, he stuffed you
up on turkey day?
Was it at his house or yours?
He actually got in a huge fight
with his parents that night,
had nowhere to go to eat so
I invited him over to join us.
Oh, you're too sweet.
It actually happened in his car.
Next thing I knew
we were just doing it.
How'd you get pregnant?
Uh, last time I checked
there's only one way
to get pregnant.
- Didn't he use a condom?
- Yeah, at first.
Then it kept getting...
- soft.
- The condom?
No, him!
So he had to take it off.
Oh.
- Sophia!
- Oh, no.
I waited for my period,
it just never came.
- No way!
- What!
It's my mom, she says
someone broke into the house.
- Really?
- Sorry, bae, got to go.
Stay strong, girl,
you'll figure it out. Hundo p.
Oh, hell no,
they took our presents.
Sophia, won't you
ride with me-a?
Are you stalking me?
You wish I was stalking you.
So you're not stalking me?
No, I'm, uh,
I'm on my way to Walmart.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Walmart's that way.
- Oh, I mean, uh,
I mean, I'm coming
back from Walmart.
Oh. What'd you get?
I, uh, I shoplifted this gum,
you want a piece?
- You stole this?
- Maybe,
would that turn you on?
I mean, that's why you're
with Trey, right,
you like criminals.
No.
Huh. I just figured it
probably made you wet
every time he talks about juvie.
Ew.
He's 18 now, so no more juvie.
You know that's
so statutory right?
- Shut up!
- I'm just saying.
- So why him?
- Why not?
Because he's a complete tool.
- You're a tool!
- Good one.
Why do you think he's a tool?
Where do I even start?
Jimmy Stam told me his real name
is Edward Davis III.
He just calls himself
Trey to sound black.
He acts like he's all hood and
gangster, he's country as shit.
His dad's
the fishing warden, real hood.
And plus isn't he
supposed to be a senior?
He's failed
three years in a row.
He's a liar, he's an asshole
and he's a scumbag.
I bet he's cheating
on you right now.
People like him need
to be put in their place.
Okay, psycho, let's go.
- Where are we going?
- Madison Fatchek's house.
- Okey dokey, pretty lady.
- You're such a dork.
Oh, look at these losers.
Isn't that Trey's little slut?
Hey, watch this.
Fags!
Assholes.
I think those were Trey's friends.
- That's his whip, right?
- Yeah.
He probably stole it.
I told you so.
He's just smoking some weed,
it isn't even
that big of a deal.
Oh, snap!
- Busted.
- Oh.
Seriously?
Let's go!
Sophia,
it's not what it looks like!
You lied to me!
I'm sorry, shawty,
my head's all messed up,
I don't even know
what's going on.
Let that bitch go, Trey.
Who you calling a bitch, skank?
Tell her you're with
a real woman now.
Shut up, skank.
Sophia.
Okay, hoe, you gots to go.
I'm about to pop you
like a cherry on prom night.
Whoa!
Damn!
Oh.
- Are you getting that?
- Yep.
Oh, man.
- All right.
- Hell yeah!
Are you going to
help me up or what?
Hey, give me my shirt back.
Sophia, wait!
What are you looking at?
This one's going on YouTube!
- You okay?
- No.
Well, look,
my offer still stands,
nothing's better for a heartache
than a horror movie,
a bottle of 151 and some
Sprite to chase it down.
There's actually this flick
called, Silent Night, Deadly Night
- about a deranged...
- I can't.
Well, if Santa's not your thing,
there's always
Killer Klowns from Outer Space.
No, I can't come over.
Don't tell me
it's because of Trey,
he's cheating on you,
you saw it with your own eyes.
There's two types
of men in this world,
and he's neither of them.
You're smart, you're fun, you're
beautiful, you're perfect.
Stop.
What?
I'm...
Let me guess, you're
still in love with him?
I give up.
Noah.
I'm pregnant!
With his?
I guess I was wrong
about you, Sophia,
you're not
as smart as I thought.
Good luck.
- What?
- You're going to need it.
He spit on us!
What's wrong with you?
Hey.
You all right?
You need to talk?
Is this about that white boy
that thinks of himself
as a brother?
You just let me know,
I've been waiting months to slap
the black out of his mouth.
Or if it's a womanly issue,
your mom
won't be back for awhile,
but you can always
go to your Grandma's.
- Just go away!
- Okay.
I'm just trying to help, God.
How long you going to be in there?
I got to take a shit!
- Get off my porch.
- Grandpa.
- I will shoot.
- Grandpa, it's me, Sophia.
- Who?
- Your granddaughter!
Oh, yeah.
- Come on in, sweetie pie.
- Okay.
Go on, take a seat, sit down.
What happened to your eye?
- What's that?
- Your eye, what happened?
That ain't nothing, I'm fine.
I'm sorry, where are my manners,
would you like something
to drink some milk or pop?
No, thanks.
- You want to cookie?
- No, I'm good.
Well, suit yourself.
Where's Grandma at?
We just don't want
any trouble here, ma'am.
- You worthless piece of garbage!
- Hey!
- Ow!
- Settle down.
Okay, that was against the law.
Oh, who gives a shit.
I was just hoping
to talk to her.
Why, you have
a bad day at school?
Oh, there's no school today,
it's Christmas Eve.
Oh, yeah.
I knew that.
Can I ask you
a question, Grandpa?
Shoot, kiddo.
Why did you and Grandma
stop after Mom came along?
Like, why didn't you guys
have any more kids?
- We did.
- What?
Your mama...
she was actually
our second child.
She's got an older sister
out there somewhere.
What?
You know what,
your grandma would fry
my balls for breakfast
if she knew I was going to tell you
this, but guess what, kiddy...
want you get to my age
you start passing secrets
like you pass gas.
Oh, Grandpa.
It's milk.
So what happened to her?
- Who's that?
- Mom's sister.
You know that story about how
me and your Grandma met,
don't you?
Yeah, at a Cleveland Indians
game, right?
We didn't meet
at no Indians game,
that was just a,
just a bunch of hog wash
your grandma told everyone.
Christ, we, we met at a church.
You and Grandma went to church?
Hell yes,
we went in to church.
That was damn near 50 years ago.
You see your grandma
was real religious back then.
I attended
on a regular basis, though
I wasn't much
for the singing and dancing
till I met her.
From that moment on
there was no getting between us.
Good Lord!
Oh, my God, oh, oh,
oh, my God, oh, oh,
amen, oh, amen, oh, my God!
Long story short...
I put a bun in her over.
And after a few months,
that baby girl was upon us.
So we put her up for adoption.
Why?
Well, I didn't have a job,
we had no way
to support her and it's...
sometimes life only gives you
one choice in the moment.
I always hoped that
she had a good life,
she, she found a good family
that loved her
and took care of her.
Anyway, Grandma and me,
we moved on.
After a few years,
I got a job at the mill.
We built a house
and we started trying again.
That's when your mama came along
and believe me, with all the
spit and vinegar in her veins,
one was enough.
Wow.
Yeah.
Funny thing is we, we ain't
never been back to church since.
So I bought myself
a wedding coat
and I met her at the courthouse.
- And that was that.
- Yeah.
And that, sweetie pie, was that.
Son of a bitch,
what time is it?
Uh, it's a quarter past eight.
Yeah, I forgot to take
my cholesterol pills.
Are you sure I can't get
you something to eat?
No, thanks, Grandpa, I haven't had
much of an appetite today anyway.
Plus, I got to get going.
Bye, Grandpa.
Hey, tell Grandma I said hi.
Okay.
Bye!
Yeah, Grandma.
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Round young virgin ♪
What a crock of shit.
You really think
she was a virgin?
You think anyone around here
would believe me
if I said Jesus knocked me up?
Yeah, that's what I'll go with,
immaculate conception.
Yep, Jesus is the one,
Jesus is the daddy,
he knocked me up,
I'm still a virgin.
Give me a goddamn break.
♪ Sleep in ♪
♪ Heavenly peace ♪
You guys know any Tupac?
Your brother was being a bad
boy, but if your mommy asks,
he fell down when you were
playing tag, you understand?
Now get up and go lay in bed.
Bring that ass over here...
please?
Okay, okay, okay, I deserved
that, I deserved that.
Look, I'm so sorry, girl.
Have you even got my texts, I've been
blowing up the phone like a hella cray.
I don't know what
I was thinking.
Maybe I thought, you know,
you're on a break, or something,
like my dick is in her mouth,
but my heart is
in your hands, you feel me?
- Trey, I have something to tell you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Let me finish, let me finish.
I know I made a mistake,
but the truth is that hoe
ain't got nothing on you, girl.
You're my one and only,
the peanut butter
to my jelly sandwich, girl.
- I love you.
- I'm pregnant.
I love everything...
Wait, what?
You heard me.
That shit ain't mine.
I know that shit
for reals ain't mine.
- Who's do you think it is?
- I don't know,
maybe it's that one kid
you've been hanging with.
What's his name, Noah Vanhomo?
- No.
- I see the way he look at you.
- He hit that, huh?
- No.
- I know he hit that.
- Trey.
You're the only person
I've ever been with.
You expect me to believe that?
How dumb you think I am?
You're about making all this up
just to try to win me back.
- Win you back?
- Yeah.
And you just jelly
because I moved on with my life.
It ain't going to work.
Trey, I'm serious,
this is your baby.
- This our baby.
- Stop...
saying that.
What are we going to do?
There is no we
in this situation.
Is what are you going to do?
Gee.
Sophia!
Coming up at 11,
officials are calling it
an opioid epidemic.
So what can parents do
to make sure their kids
stay off the white horse?
Plus, a string
of Christmas Eve robberies
have been reported around town.
So be sure to keep
the doors locked tight tonight.
And full details on the charges
levied at Mayor McHenry.
Just how much money
is he accused of stealing
from the county road department?
All that and more
at First Action News 11.
If either one of you's
tells on me...
Now go to bed.
RJ?
Sophia?
♪ Eat a dick eat, eat, eat a dick ♪
♪ Take a big old bite
or a little lick ♪
- Yeah?
- Did you cook dinner?
No, I didn't cook
no damn dinner, I told you.
- Rayjon, I swear to God I bust my ass every week...
- Babe.
- ...working overtime then I have to come home...
- Babe.
- ...and cook and clean and do the dishes.
- Baby.
- All while you sit on your lazy ass.
- Bitch, relax!
- I'll pick something up.
- What did you call me?
- Damn.
- Consider this your New Year's resolution,
either you get a job
and get your shit together...
Oops, lost you.
Thanks again for watching them. I am so
surprised that they're asleep already.
They're great kids, really.
They're a little
rough though, like I said,
one minute
they're playing tag then
all of a sudden it became
a full blown fist fight.
What? Dear lord.
Don't worry, I put an end
to that real quick.
Here, take this,
thank you so much.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Sup?
Going to get some food,
you want anything?
- Yeah, where you going?
- Doghouse.
Um, strawberry milkshake.
- Boy, you into some fruity shit, huh?
- You all right to drive?
Don't come at me
like that strawberry shake.
I'm fine.
How much scoobs was given
you for watching them brats?
Thirty bucks.
Seriously?
You want that milkshake or not?
Milkshakes don't cost 30 bucks.
The ones at Doghouse do.
Here, but I keep the rest,
because it's my house,
and it's my rules.
Cheer up, son, you're only
got three or four more years
then you're ass
enlist in the Marines,
then you're Uncle Sam's problem.
Come on, man, put them up.
Come on, boy,
put them up, put them up.
What's you going
to do now, sucker?
Please pick up, Noah.
Under two minutes to
go on the ninth annual achievements
high efficiency toilet bowl.
The Penguins look
sluggish all day but had to
get another turnover
by the Grasshoppers offense.
...from a colossal upset here.
I haven't seen
anything this sloppy
since I walked in on my wife
with a special teams unit.
Whoa, buddy, whoa,
save that one for the post
game show, huh?
♪ I'm just chilling
with my crew thinking of ways ♪
♪ To get them dollars
I'm just... ♪
We'll be right back with more
from the Hughes High
Efficiency Toilet Bowl
- brought to you by...
- Have you heard about the mayor, folks?
Yeah, this guy's
a real piece of work.
I am sick and tired...
♪ I did something crazy ♪
♪ And I won't
remember it tomorrow ♪
Don't be cocking me, fool,
I go 187, blah, blah, blah.
If you've
been living under a rock
and you have not heard by now,
the mayor
of our wonderful little town
was arrested this morning.
That's right, folks,
I'm going to say it again.
The mayor arrested
on freaking
Christmas Eve of all days.
Looks like he's getting
a lump of coal in his stocking.
I'd like to slap him
upside the head with it.
They said he took hundreds
of thousands of dollars
from the road department.
Yeah, those same
busted ass roads
you're probably
driving on right now
with the three foot
craters in them.
These roads we supposedly
paid for with our taxes.
This degenerate thought
he could get away with it, ha.
Walk in, Trey Trey,
man up, take responsibility.
Let's go, Trey Trey, let's go!
Let's go.
Nightly Talk Radio is
sponsored by Shark Power Washing,
that's the real Sharp Power
Washing, got a dirty deck,
call Sharp Power Washing,
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they'll make your deck look
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The whole neighborhood will be
talking about your sharp deck.
Sharp Power Washing remember,
the other guys might power wash
but they ain't real sharp.
Soph, it's me.
I'm sorry
for what I said, shawty.
Look, I'll help you
find a doctor,
I'll even pay for it.
Just please open the door.
Sophia, you should be with me-a!
But you're a fool to be tool.
This is it,
the clock is ticking
and the game's on the line.
So if you have something to say
about the mayor, I'd like to hear it.
- Oh, man. Yeah.
- We're going to open up the phone lines right now.
300-888-72...
On their feet,
it's all up to Noah Vanmeter now
but I don't know, Chip,
he looks kind of drunk.
- Noah, Noah, Noah!
- There's the snap.
The kick is up and it's...
- Noah, Noah, Noah, Noah!
- It's good!
With these stinking
politicians is crooked...
Noah, Noah,
Noah, Noah, Noah!
Shoe's untied.
Better double knot it.
888-70...
There.
Jesus!
These damn potholes.
I ain't going to tax
my unemployment
when they fix the damn roads,
corrupt mother...
Mommy.
What the hell, he don't
even look nothing like me.
What, take that, Santa.
I hope you meet a nice
big fellow behind bars, Mr. Mayor,
a big old bubba who makes
a pothole out of your behind.
Pay that, pal.
Settle down.
Would you like to
try our new
Chihuahua sirachi burger?
Um, yeah, give me one of those,
a hound dog,
a Yorkie and, um...
two golden retrievers.
Anything else?
A strawberry shake.
A strawberry shake. Is that all?
Give me some extra fries too.
Okay, your total is $17.79.
I'll tell you what...
lose the extra fries.
Whoa, damn,
girl, you packing now?
That's that
Dirty Harry shit, damn.
Oh, oh, oh, okay,
okay, okay, Soph.
You don't have to do this.
- Where's your dad?
- He went to get food.
Son of a...
21 cents.
Holy balls!
What?
- Where's Sophia?
- I don't know.
You're not alone, I'm here.
We could do whatever you want.
Just put the gun down.
I think Dad's home.
Turn it off, time to eat.
Welcome back to
First Action News at 11.
Oh, shit.
Rayjon?
- I'm so sorry.
- Are you drunk?
I'm so sorry!
Sorry for what?
What did you do?
Answer it.
It's nobody.
Get on your knees,
show me your hands!
Hey, I said on your knees!
Hey, freeze, freeze!
We got a runner.
Freeze, hey!
Right in the fucking knee!
Kid, hey!
Kid, freaking golf clubs. Oh!
Come on.
Get off of me.
Hey, dispatch, what was
the make on that 1022?
Please forgive me!
Somebody tell me
what the hell's going on!
Do it now!
On speaker.
Hey, sexy,
did you dump that hoe yet or what?
Oh!
Huh?
What was that?
I need backup.
You shot me!
You shot me in the dick!
Dear God, Lord,
your highness, whatever,
it's me again,
Sophia Nefantarter.
Oh, my winkie!
Thank you,
thank you for this gift.
The gift of life.
I ask for your forgiveness
for all the bad shit
that I've done,
for all the bad shit
my family's done.
Please forgive us.
And please, God...
more than anything else...
don't let them
take my baby away.
Don't let anyone
take my baby away.
♪ All I want
for Christmas, yeah ♪
♪ I said, all I want
for Christmas ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ All I want for Christmas yeah, yeah ♪
- Whoa.
♪ All I want for Christmas
is two bad bitches ♪
♪ A big bag of weed
and a Charger on six's ♪
♪ A fresh pair of jeans and a brand new birdie ♪
♪ If I don't get
everything on my list ♪
♪ Santa's getting
murdered, murdered ♪
♪ All I want for Christmas
is two bad bitches ♪
♪ A big bag of weed
and a Charger on six's ♪
♪ A fresh pair of jeans
and a brand new birdie ♪
♪ If I don't get
everything on my list ♪
♪ Santa's getting
murdered, murdered ♪
♪ I'm a the studio
with your bitch on the low ♪
♪ Get your winter coats because
I'm about to make it snow ♪
♪ I saw mama kissing Santa
Clause underneath the mistletoe ♪
♪ So I called that bitch a hoe ♪
Breaking news now coming
to us from KB's Doghouse
on state route 12.
For more we go to Guy Sanders
live on location.
Guy, what can you tell us?
Well, Todd, state highway patrol
are now investigating
what seems to be
a grizzly hit and run
which occurred sometime
before 10:46 p.m.
When a man in a red pickup truck
came to this drive through
to get something to eat.
When I looked out
I couldn't believe my eyes.
It was a bloody mess down there.
There was blood everywhere
and an arm sticking out.
There was a body
under that truck.
That's when the
suspect left the scene
as well as the victim
on the side of the road.
It was ridiculous. I think
he gave me the thumbs up.
Vicki and Todd back to you.
Me, oh, my, that is just...
bizarre.
- Yeah.
- You know?
Todd, that's the perfect word
to encapsulate
how I feel about that...
bizarre story.
- Thank you, Guy.
- Gruesome.
In other local news,
community church preschoolers
took a field trip to the
metropark's farm this morning.
But you're never going to guess
what the children learned
about this squirrel's nuts.
♪ No presents for Christmas
for us when we was growing up ♪
♪ We don't celebrate holidays
on the block we posted up ♪
♪ They stuck them stuck them
stuck them back of the head ♪
♪ Because they got no dough ♪
Mayor McHenry currently
faces 12 counts
of corruption for his alleged
embezzlement of county funds,
and could face a maximum
of 12 years in state prison.
I guess now we know who to blame for
all those unfilled potholes around town.
♪ ...or what, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ I'm making myself
a wish list ♪
You can't do this to me!
You got the wrong guy.
- I'm the mayor.
- Well, I'm running for the black guy.
Don't make me tase you, bro.
♪ I want more money
more bitches ♪
♪ One who can suck it
and lick it ♪
♪ And one who can cook
and wash dishes ♪
I didn't...
I didn't do anything.
I'm a good,
I'm a good man.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,
I'm sorry.
- Mama, I'm sorry!
- Come on watch your step.
I didn't do it.
We will transfer juvies
to JDE in a bit.
The rest of you'un's stay put until
Judge Cheryl shows up tomorrow.
But with that being
the holiday and all...
Merry Christmas.
Hold my pocket.
Grandma?
I'm the mayor now!
♪ My name ring bells
hear jingle bells ♪
♪ I'm dressed in all red
but I ain't Kris Kringle ♪
♪ They hate me
they call me the Grinch ♪
♪ I'm robbing your house
yeah, I'm hitting a lick ♪
♪ I'm taking your presents
I'm taking your bitch ♪
♪ Taking your tree
and I'm leaving you sick ♪
Next time in East Jesus, Ohio.
Oh, give it to me,
ah, oh yeah, give it to me.
Oh yeah, oh yeah!
Oh yeah, oh yeah, call me a pig.
Oh yeah, you filthy pig.
Oh yeah, piggie.
Damn it!
- What?
- Hurry up in there.
It's Valentine's Day, damn it!
I got to get ready
for my big date,
and you're hogging
all the hot water,
you inconsiderate little prick!
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah, piggie.
You beat off too much.
You're bound to go blind, son.
I should know, how do you
think I got these cataracts?
What the...
- All right, all right, all right.
- Action.
Just go away!
Okay. I was just
trying to help. Good God.
How long you going to be in there?
I got to take the Browns
to the Superbowl.
I got to unloose the caboose.
I got to drop
the property value.
I got to launch the missiles!
I got to loose the cracking.
I got to drop a swamp pie.
I got to drop a baby otter.
Oh, I got to
churn some dookie butter. Oh.
It's dripping down my leg!
Okay, I could use a laugh.
What? I'm not funny.
Come at me, blondie.
You know how I lost
the weight, Krav Maga.
Yep, Jesus
knocked me up.
It must be my lucky day,
first I get some ass,
now I get to kick some ass.
I'm not 16 and pregnant.
Ah, you're cute, but I'm
about to make you real ugly.
Goddamn slut.
I hope you're hungry,
because you're about
to eat the pavement.
Aa!
I think it's that
time of the month
for me to kick your ass.
Now this feels dirty.
♪ It was the night before
Christmas Day ♪
♪ And all the elves was busy
loading up the sleigh ♪
♪ Jolly Santa was like
getting his kicks ♪
♪ And some old reindeer
was like learning new tricks ♪
♪ But one of the elves said
"Man, we got to go ♪
♪ We're way behind
and it's beginning to snow" ♪
♪ Just in Rudolph
with the bloody nose ♪
♪ Come riding Santa with stains
and whiskey on his clothes ♪
♪ Mrs. Clause says, "Santa, baby
now where you been all night? ♪
♪ You got about 45 minutes
before the daylight" ♪
♪ Big man grabbed his boots
Santa was on his way ♪
♪ He started flying into JFK ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho
ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ And shiny jingle bells
was ringing ♪
♪ And all the little children
they were singing ♪
♪ Ho ♪
♪ Then Santa pulled in
to New York town ♪
♪ That customs agent
was weighing him down ♪
♪ Said, "Mr. Clause your
passport is 100 years old" ♪
♪ Again off with you Santa
knock the man out cold ♪
♪ Went to the city
told the CIA ♪
♪ Santa creeped
and flea the USA ♪
♪ Made his escape
and was riding real cool ♪
♪ But they shot him down
over Istanbul ♪
♪ And all the reindeer
started running around ♪
♪ And all the toys was
broken laying on the ground ♪
♪ Santa ran to the nearest house
and he bust down the door ♪
♪ Which is where he passed out
upon the floor ♪
♪ Said, ho, ho, ho
ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho
ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ And shining jingle bells
was ringing ♪
♪ And all the little children
they were singing ♪
♪ Ho ♪
♪ And Santa woke up
on Christmas Day ♪
♪ He ran around
and was laughing all the way ♪
♪ Santa Clause like
a fat, foolish elf ♪
♪ And realized that
he had shot himself ♪
♪ He bought a ticket
on the train ♪
♪ And with a little pride
that remained ♪
♪ He shouted
and he gave such a fright ♪
♪ Merry Christmas
and have a good night ♪
♪ And ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho
ho, ho, ho, ho ♪
♪ And shining jingle bells
was ringing ♪
♪ And all the little children
they were still singing ♪
♪ Ho ♪
Oh, my God, oh, oh, my God!
Mary mother of God!
Oh, for heaven's sake!
Sweet Jesus!
Holy moly!
Holy mackerel!
Holy Toledo!
Holy shit!
Oh, my God!
Oh, oh, oh, my God!
Oh, amen!
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
better stay out of my way ♪
♪ And if you don't
I'll take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ I said, oh, what fun it is
to ride this town this holiday ♪
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
better stay out of my way ♪
♪ And if you don't
I take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ I said, oh, what fun it is
to ride this town this holiday ♪
♪ Strumming through the snow
on a street this Christmas Day ♪
♪ What time's
the pawn shop close ♪
♪ Pulled up I'm on my way ♪
♪ Got a 40 in my hand
throwing shit up in my sack ♪
♪ Hope I don't get caught again
or jail I'm going back ♪
♪ I see when you're asleep ♪
♪ I see when you're awake ♪
♪ But if you try and stop me
you'll make a big mistake ♪
♪ Down the chimney
I will slide ♪
♪ On a cold and snowy night ♪
♪ Taking all your gifts
and, bitch, I'm out of sight ♪
♪ Out of sight ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight ♪
♪ Out of sight ♪
♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight ♪
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
best stay out of my way ♪
♪ And you don't
I take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ I said, oh, what fun it is
to ride this town this holiday ♪
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
best stay out of my way ♪
♪ And if you don't
I take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ I said, oh, what fun it is
to ride this town this holiday ♪
♪ Don't work at the mall ♪
♪ These jells
can suck my balls ♪
♪ Go ahead and stare
I'll, bitch, slap all you all ♪
♪ Your kids ain't getting shit ♪
♪ They're little
naughty pricks ♪
♪ And your address is next
here on my shopping list ♪
♪ I take my cookies
with some weed ♪
♪ Your tobacco is all I need ♪
♪ Get that shit out of my face ♪
♪ Because they don't
know how to read ♪
♪ It's freezing cold out here ♪
♪ Can't afford
no damn rain gear ♪
♪ But even though I'm broke ♪
♪ Your joke is the favorite
time of year ♪
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
best stay out my way ♪
♪ And if you don't
I take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ I said, oh, what fun it is
to ride this town this holiday ♪
♪ Jingle bells what's that smell
you best stay out my way ♪
♪ And if you don't
I'll take your phone ♪
♪ And punch you
in the face, hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, go to hell
it's time for you to pay ♪
♪ I said, oh, what fun it is
to ride this town this holiday ♪
♪ Worst Christmas ever ♪
♪ God, I'm taking
all your shit ♪
♪ What, what, what, what, what ♪
Oh, shit!
You shot me in the dick!
My willy!
My wee-wee!
My ding-dong!
My tommy whacker!
My wang, my bologny bony!
My little Trey Trey.