Women Talking Dirty (1999) - full transcript

Christ. Look at me.
I'm growing a beard.

No wonder I haven't shagged, in ages.

Well. Except with myself.

Wanker me.

A wank a day, keeps the tension away.

The wisdom of, Dr. Cora.

Wank. Women don't wank.

Don't tell me, you're not a regular wanker

like the rest of us,
women with empty beds.

It's the word.

Yeah. There should be another
word, for what women do.



Stroking.

Hmm... fiddling.

Strumming.

Ooh.

Strumming. Ooh.

That's perfect.

Okay, Cora.

And do you strum, in the morning girl?

Oh. I couldn't in the morning.
There are a lot of people about.

Strum is great.

I really miss, having someone to kiss

I love a good snog.

I miss having a bloke.

Danny once made me, an honorary book.



- Did he?
- Mhmm.

I quite fancy you as a bloke.

Do you ever fancy it, with a woman.

Well. I've often wondered.

You know they'd have,
the clitoral knowledge.

Yeah.

No more drippy drip.

No more hope for fumbling's,
and women with nowhere to go.

A woman knows.

Have you ever?

No.

Nearly once.

But no.

Neither have I.

No, God!

Hi Ellen.

You look nice.

I'll get you a drink.

Hi Emily.

Interesting smells.

Hey Stanley.

You're looking fabulously girlish tonight.

Stand out, in a crowd then?

In the outfit, you are a crowd.

Hello!

A huge pudding.

How gorgeous.

Rough, man enough was a great
bun for a trifle.

I've never visited Ellen before,
what a lovely room.

To her first, dinner party.

May it be the first of many.

A lot!

That's me.

Cora O'Brien.

I left home at 18.

By the time I was 19.

I thought, I've made every
mistake I could make.

I was wrong.

It's a big day for her.

It'll not be the same without her.

It's only a bit of education.

That girl, gets a notion
and just goes after it.

Biochemistry?

I think, she just fancies
wearing the white coat.

Come on, Cora.
We'll be late.

This is it!

Now remember, Cora.
When you get there, just don't.

Don't what?

Don't, everything!

Don't do anything, you're planning to do

and I'm not there, to keep an eye on you.

How much trouble can I get into,
studying biochemistry, mom?

Trust me, if my daughter's going

to have a hideous disease named after her.

Bye!

Remember, Cora!

Just don't!

What's fuck in French?

Mm... fuck?

I like French.

Come on!

Whoa!

Look at this place.

It's orange.

I am... walking...
through orange.

Everyone's my friend!

I love you all!

I love you!

Aw. You're so nice.

Fucking hell!

What did you get?

Not bad.

Oh! Look! Earring!

Earring.

And... sunglasses!

Load of, absolute madness!

Yeah! Cool hey?

Yeah!

I don't feel very well.

She drank too much.

Ellen. 20.

Was a drifter.

Lost in her own little world,
of cartoons and make believe.

Not wearing any knickers, are you?

Not now.

Ellen?

Ellen?

Gangster woman!

Head to the streets,
gangster women.

We have sisters to avenge.

Hey, that's quite good.

Maybe I wasn't insane, to go into business

with an half star student,
with no dress sense.

We'll make her a million yet.

Pop time.

Can we eat something
good on this trip.

Balance, gangster woman.
You know.

Something more blokey.

I don't do blokey.

You do now.

I'll make you, an honorary bloke.

A pint alone, will make me pee
all afternoon.

Ellen.

Blokes don't whine about peeing.

They drink vast amounts, and cope.

You got to buy me
another pint now.

I'm broke!

Three kids to support.

You think, that I should cherish.

Why do you bother?
They're not even your kids.

Well, it doesn't
matter, who gave birth to them.

You still got fate.

Anyway. A pair of
shoes, here and there

reminds them, that I'm still in the world.

Kids.

Can't live with them.

Can't live with them.

My wife won't let me.

She's with, the bastard now.

It's him, or me, I said.

Oh the bastard, she said.

That's women, for you.

Our boobs, are much better.

Anyway what you need, is a blokey's trip.

Some of them blokes, I'd go for.

Football, lager.

You should, now you're one.

Piss off, with the blokey stuff.
I don't feel like a bloke.

Well, if I wait for you to finish.

There won't be anytime
for me, to buy you another.

Frankly...

I think, you'd make a crap bloke.

I'd watch him, if I were you.

I'll get you a towel.

I'm all right.

You're shivering.

I'm a woman, of the wild.

I've shivered before.

It's quite cold, actually.

Very, horrible.

Here.

Let me, dry you.

I don't, like people
to see my body. I hate it.

Why?

You've got a great body.

I've got, one tit, bigger than the other.

Oh. Really?

Which is your favourite? Big
one, or the little one.

The little one.

It's okay.

Mm.

I don't know, if the big one,
is the best, you know?

Let me, consider them, from this angle.

What do you do?

Oh, you know.

Stuff.

What, stuff?

Well, I'm working on my PHD.

- PHD?
- Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to be...

Dr. Daniel.

Do you get a grand?

Well, I get by.

The shifts, in the bar.

Oh.

Mind a pint, Dr. Daniel

Well, I pick up a bit
on the horses, you know.

So, you not going to answer that?

No.

Uh, mom?

Hello.

It's me.

Cora. When you coming
home?

Uh. Just thought,
I'd hang out here, you know? Um.

We'll just have to come and see then.

Oh!
No, you don't have to do that.

I mean, it's such a long way
to come, and uh...

Well. Actually, I've moved, I'm
living with a friend, and he--

What do you mean, he?

Oh god. Um.

He?

You living with a man?

You, sharing a room?

Why you not coming home?

Oh, god.

You silly bugger.

You're pregnant.

How did you know that?

I'm a woman, Cora.

And a woman, knows.

This, um...

PHD sounds, interesting.

I'm always telling, Ellen...

she should've, gotten a proper education.

I don't know, Mrs. Davidson.

Education.

All depends upon,
what you do with it. You know?

A couple of girls on my course

ended up working, in massage parlours.

So, what is your chosen subject?

Well, I'm writing a...
dissertation on...

on the post-coital conversations

of women from different
demographic groups.

You know, what...

what different women, chat
about, after they've fucked.

What are you doing, with that man?

He's no good.

How do you know?

How do you. Not know?

Mom, get up?

I...

Go on, tell her.

Daniels asked me, to marry him.

What did you say?

I said yes.

Three...

two...

one.

Open your eyes!

That is, fantastic!

Oh! I love it!

I got it for you, as your wedding gift.

I'm going to curl up on it

and I'm never, going to go out again.

You know, sometimes...

sometimes, we'll lie on this,
and we will make love.

And sometimes...

sometimes, yes, we'll fuck.

But, all the time...

all the time, we will be fabulous.

Fabulous Quinn's.

That's us.

And one day we'll have
the fabulous, baby Quinn.

A baby?

Yes please. Just a little one,
I'll put it in the corner

you'll never know it's there.

No, I don't think so.

The place will,
fill up with squeaky toys.

Nappies.

You'll get stretch marks

and you, won't be fabulous anymore.

I suppose.

Fabulous, is what we're after.

Sex.

♪ Dinah Washington -
Mad about the boy ♪

Urban domino.

Yes.

Biden's, A.

Up at...

8:30

Fiver...

From, Ellen's... purse.

Thank you.

Good.

Okay.

Right sock first

And, turn it over.

Left sock.

Not, turned over.

Right boot, first.

Left boot.

Sleeve buttons.

And jacket.

And, done.

Racing Post.

Under left arm.

Coat.

Off I go.

Six... eight.

200 steps.

Bookies.

Morning all!

Right Frankie.

This is a, five pound accumulator.

Urban Domino, first up.

Is there, any other horse Daniel?

No way, that's bad luck, hey.

You! Sit up on your ass,
all day!

Your face, and your feet, in
your stupid underpants,

and then you go and throw,
my eggs and sausages

onto the street.
You shouldn't waste good food.

That's not good food!

That's shit!

Understand?

It's shit!

And your big! Oh--

God, look what you made me do.

Look what you made me do back.

Right. I'm going out.

See if I come back.

I don't need, all this shit in my life.

Shit.

- Hi.
- Hello.

That's not enough.

Come here.

Oh! Get off of me.
Christ woman, you're insatiable.

Oh! Well I just love you

with all of my heart, and my soul.

And my body,
and that's the best part.

What's this?

It's nothing.

Oh come on. It's
nothing. It's just a lucky book.

A lucky book?

What the hell, is a lucky book?

Black boxers, grey
trousers, black boots

no breakfast,
Ellen left at 09:45.

What is that?

It's just a list, of the things
I do, on the days I win.

That's all.

Okay? That's all.

I'm just, trying to...

Establish, a perfect, lucky routine.

You know?

Is that a part, of your lucky routine?

What?

The love bite, on your neck.

Is that a part, of your lucky routine.

I don't know. Maybe.

Who gave you it?

Nobody.

All right.

Nobody.

I can't believe it.

What?

You've got a love bite, on your neck.

Yeah.

You've been, screwing around.

I can't believe, you've been unfaithful.

Oh, fuck it.

What is faithful, anyway. Hey?

When I'm with you, I'm faithful.

What the hell, does that mean?

It means...

that when I'm here, I give you, all of me.

Which is, more than you do.

You know, you...

You're never, quite here, Ellen.

You're always, kind of drifting
around, and mumbling, and...

thinking about your work.

Smiling to yourself.
Your little...

your little, private fucking jokes.

You got greedy, Ellen!

You got full, of the hysteria...

of having.

You see something...

and you want it!

Give me some of, name them.

Apples?

Yes, apples!

Apples!

You know, apples, aren't good enough.

For the fabulous, Mrs Quinn, are they?

No! She wants...

Kumquats!

Papayas!

Great. A seat.

Oh! Look at your booze.
I'm jealous.

Had to give up, because of Fang here.

But, right after delivery.

I'm going to have, a huge Vodka and Tonic.

Huge!

Fine.

So what's that, you're drawing?

God!

That's really good!

I've never, met an artist before.

I've always wanted to be,
a biochemist.

But, look what I did instead.

Stupid, or what?

I'm sure, you'll make a go of it.

Cheers.

They always play, Dolly Parton in here.

Donnie over there, is a big fan.

Of her songs?

All right. Of those too.

Yeah. She certainly
makes a person, feel inadequate.

I know, what you mean.

What is it, she says in that song, um...

It's truly expensive,
to make a girl look this cheap.

My kind of cheap,
costs absolutely nothing.

Well, you got to admire her though.

There is a lady, who never gets
herself, out shit creek.

What if she died, should turn it
into a theme park.

Love it, how she says, "Darlin".

"What's the time, darlin"

I think, every women,

should have a bit of a Dolly in her.

Yeah.

She's so sassy.

She's a, one woman happy ending.

Yeah.

I'm sure, she doesn't
take crap from her blokes.

Is that why, you're sitting here.

Crap, from your bloke.

Big fight?

Huge.

Snap.

Really?

Bye you two!

Can I call you sometime?

Of course.
I'll give you my number.

Claude?

I'm sorry.

I'm really, sorry.

But you started it.

Too much, orange juice.

I'd rather have, a hangover.

Claude?

"I have gone home".

"Can't take it anymore".

"This place".

"The baby".

"We weren't all right, Cora".

"I need space".

"And I can't speak, while anguished".

"I need, food and sunshine".

"Wine and air"

Hello.

Daniel?

If I don't get my fucking money.

I'll cut you.

Yeah, all right.

It's just a tad,
tricky right now.

I need a bit of time.

The money, or else.

I'll get it.

You'd better.

Will you get it?

Hello.

Hello! Is that Ellen?

Yes. Who's this?

It's me. Cora.

Cora.

Yeah. Remember, you know.
In the pub.

Dolly Parton.

Oh right!

Hello. How are you?

Who's Cora?

I'm having the baby.

Now?

Yeah. I don't want to bother
you, I'm sorry, but...

You're the only person I know,
and-- Oh fuck.

Oh god!

Where's your boyfriend?

Who's Cora?

What's going on, down there?

You're having the baby.

Oh Christ!

Is that a contraction coming.

Do your, breathing exercises.

I don't know, the fucking
breathing exercises.

I didn't go to, any of the classes.

I just thought I'd pop
in, have the baby

and go home again.

Listen. I've seen it in
the movies, okay.

You pant like...

You sodding pant!

Oh god! Shit!

Come on, that's it.

That's it. Keep that coming.

Curse, that fucking cunt!

Come on, Cora.

Oh! Don't you call me
Cora, just because I'm Cora!

One more push, come on.

I'm pushing, for Christ sakes.

It's all right for you,
fiddling about, down there.

I'm doing all the, work!

She is.

Just, breath Cora.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

I'm trying to end it.
I can't help it.

Come on, that's it.
Keep that coming.

It's wonderful.

I've never seen anything, like it.

It is such, a little person.
Covered with...

Guck! It's revolting.

It's the most,
beautiful thing, I've ever seen.

You've got yourself, a boy.

Hello.

Hello. I love you.

Hello.

There we go, these are for you.

Let's have a look.

Oh, he's gorgeous.

Just gorgeous.

Oh. You're a just a
tiny, wee itsy,

gorgeous wee thing aren't you.

I think, she thinks, he's gorgeous.

I got that impression.

So... what's this,
about your boyfriend?

I thought he was,
the love of your life.

Well, gone back to France.

Said he needed air.

I'll bloody give him, bloody air.

I'm fine on my own, really.

Best without him.

You won't, be on your own

when you're back home with us.

Home?

Cora was saying, how important
it was for her

to stay in Edinburgh now.

In a few months, she can catch
up, with her studies.

She won't have much time, for studying

with a baby needing,
looking after, will she?

No, but. I'll be here.

And, I'll be popping
in every day. She won't mind.

And, you are?

Oh. Sorry. I'm Ellen.

Funny, Cora's never mentioned you before.

How long, have you two, been friends.

Ages.

She's my best friend.

That's good.

Thanks.

He's just beautiful.

Please god.

It's okay.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

No. I'm not. It's awful,
as hell.

First you've got to feed the
baby. Then change the baby.

Then, baby is meant to sleep, but doesn't

Then, I have to wash all his stuff

because he's pooing out one end,
or the other.

So, If he sleeps, I wash.

Then he wakes up,
and it all starts off again.

And, I never have sit down.

It goes on and on.

I'm all milky and sweaty, and I hate it.

I thought, it was going
to be a beautiful experience.

Nobody told me.

I think, you need to get out more.

Why are you crying?

I can't help it.

I always cry, when people cry.

It's nothing. It's just
my husband, and his shit.

I think, we both need to get out more.

Oh god.

I've learned something,
about the meaning of life.

What?

Don't do it!

Cora!

Cora.
Do you ever bleach your sink?

No.

I don't seem to have time,
to get around to it.

Can you just sit down,
have a cup of tea, and chat.

You know, she's not happy

when she's not cleaning, and wiping.

I'll have a cup of tea and chat,

when I've got this place in order.

It's not good for a baby,
to live like this, you know.

Babies, need routine.

Why don't you take advantage
of us, being here.

Have a night out.

Yes. Phone Ellen.

What? A proper grown up,
night out?

With someone, who doesn't dribble.

Oh, scary.

What will I do, with my hands?

Well, you'll think of something.
Just go.

"Hi. Ellen and Daniel here.
Leave a message. Bye".

Ellen?

Right. Well,
I guess you're not there.

But, um--

Yeah, hello?

Not here right now.

Is this, the famous, Cora?

Yeah. I wondered,
if she could come out to play.

Why? Is that where you are now?

Out, playing?

I can't hear you, very well.

Tell her, I've got the night off,

and I'm in the pub all right?

Yeah.

I'll tell her, you called.

♪ It's all wrong but it's all
right - Dolly Parton ♪

Well.

If I wait, for you to finish.

There, wouldn't be time,
for me to buy you another.

So, who are you?

I'm Cora.

You, don't look like a Cora.

I'm Freddy.

You don't look like, a Freddy.

Oh! Freddy.

I've forgotten how nice it
feels. So nice.

How does it, feel for you?

It feels, fantastic.

No, I mean down there.

I mean, is everything all right?

Does everything, feel like it's in place?

This is the first time,
since my son was born.

Oh, you really know,
how to turn a bloke on.

Fuck.

God.

Ah!
My favourite neighbour.

Hello, Mrs Boyle.
Sorry, have to go.

Absolutely ducky.

Shoes, Cora.

Oh. Sorry.

What time, did you get in?

Don't know.

Ages ago.

Just as well. You've got
your work to go to.

Come on, my girl, up.

Oh god.

So, where were you anyway?

I was at this, comics convention.

Five, actually.

Listen,
I've got something to tell you.

Hi.

Hello.

How are you?

All right.

Well. You just have to be, Cora?

Sorry. Daniel, Cora.
Cora, Daniel.

Hi.

You're Daniel.

Yeah.

Right.

I have to go.

Have to get on now.
I've got tables to clear up.

That's what I need, to do.

Nice to meet you.

Daniel.

Likewise.

I'm fucked.

Fucked.

What do you think, Sam?

I'm a fool.

An assing fool.

I slept, with my best friends husband.

I didn't know.

But he did. I know, he knew.
Bastard.

Now look, I'm pregnant.

I'm going to have to, tell her.

I am fucked.

Fucked.

There's a guilty face.

What have you, been up to?

Nothing. Just...

plumping the sofa.

Since when, did you ever plump the sofa?

Sweetheart.

There's all sorts of things I
do, I don't tell you about.

I figured that.

Where are you of to?

Just out.

Bye.

Don't you worry about
it, all right.

I told you, Friday. Didn't I?

That's my Mrs.
I've got to go all right.

I'll get you, the money boys.

Okay?

Cora!

Your friends, didn't look very friendly.

No. They don't do friendly.

What do they want?

Money.

Feeling that, in my ass.

You on your way, to see Ellen?

Yeah.

I'm going to tell her about us,
about what happened.

You foul Daniel.
You knew who I was that night.

You not actually going to tell
me, you didn't enjoy it?

I didn't know, who you were.

Because, you sure as hell,
sounded like you did.

I'm pregnant, you bastard.

I'm going to, have to tell her.

Pregnant?

Jesus Christ.
Didn't you use anything?

I thought, you women, were meant

to be in control these days.

You can't tell Ellen.

You can't.
That's all she ever wanted.

I don't want her baby, Daniel.
I want your baby.

Oh God. Did she say that?

Yeah.

Can't we get rid of it?

You could be in and out, in a day.

Ellen will look after your kid.
There's no problem.

God. You are such a bastard.

I don't believe, the shit you are.

Look. I am not going

to be, the father, to your child.

What does that, have to do
anything, with my baby.

I'm just telling you,
the sensible thing, to do.

Take it, or leave it.

She's never know.

I'd know.

She's the best friend, I've ever had.

And I want it, to stay that way.

Well. It's your call, Cora.

My guess is...

if you tell Ellen, who's baby that is...

she'll never speak to again.

God. I never thought, I could
hate anyone, so fucking much.

Oh look. I'm just
telling you, the way it is.

All right?

You tell Ellen.
You'll break her fucking heart.

Now look...

I've got to get out of
Edinburgh, right away.

Things, are getting a bit
dangerous for me, right now.

So...

Look. You'll never see me again.

I promise.

Have your kid.

Stay pals, with Ellen.

Everything's sorted.

It's cool.

All good things, got to come to
an end. Don't they?

Well, yeah.

All shitty things too.

Oh! Yoo hoo!

Cora!

Cora!

Do you play?

I used to.

Concerts, in my young days.

I played with Rachmaninoff.

A duet.

My concert, days are over.

But I can't complain,
I've had a wonderful life.

Music. Love. What else is there?

Did, you know Rachmaninoff?

Absolutely. Very well in fact.

Did you sleep with him?

Good heavens, no. Door man.

The six foot stall.
Stravinsky used to call him.

Never sleep with a dreary man.

I hope, the father of this
infant, isn't dreary.

No.

That's the last thing he is.

The love, of your life?

No. He's the love of someone
else's life.

Oh, my.

Not someone, you know though?

Actually, yes.

My, best friend.

Best friend, I've ever had.

I love her.

No. More.

Something, more than love.

I take it.

The woman, who is the love,

of this man's life, doesn't know.

No.

But, she isn't the love of his life.

He doesn't have, a love of his life.

Except himself.

But, he's the love, of hers though.

And it's worse.

She really, wanted to have his baby.

Messier and messier.

If you have a, real friendship,
with the woman.

Then, you have
something, that's rare

and wonderful.

But, if this child...

Is everything, that your friend,
longs for.

Then, you must tread softly.

Because, you tread, on her dreams.

That's Yates, ducky.

Lovely man.

Moms locked the bathroom door!

Don't panic.
We'll get you out.

Oh Ronald.

See, that's for them.
You spoil them.

Don't worry.
We're coming!

Do it. It's easy. I can do it.
Ronald can do it.

Yes. I can do it. It's easy.

Well done!

Come on. Look what I've got
in here for you.

That's it then.

Yes. In you go.

Go play.

Do you want, a cup of tea?

Yes please!

Disaster averted.

What a disaster anyway.

I saw, Daniel, this morning.

You can't have.

He said, he wasn't coming back.

It was Daniel, all right.

No. He can't be back.

That can be hard, for Ellen.

Well, you'll have to talk to her first.

It, has to come from you.

I know. I just can't.

Oh, stop it.

- What?
- Looking at me.

Just stop it. Just don't!

Quit smoking, again, have you Cora?

Well. Come on Ellen.
Snap out of it.

You should
be celebrating. Not sulking.

Hello, sea!

It's freezing. Come on!

But, I'm cold!

No!

It's only cold for a moment.

Then you get used to it.

Come on Ellen.

Come on!

Let go.

Pack it, in your sock mate.

No!

Let the world know you're here,
and coming at it!

A bright gleaming future, ahead of you!

Oh, piss off!

My marriage, is officially over.

I'm guttered.

I know.

You're grieving.

Oh, that trending level, crap.

I think, depressions your thing.

God. My shoes are all soggy now.

What, did you expect?

Can't come, to the seaside, and
paddle. You're no fun.

You know. It's finally over,
for Daniel and me.

I can't get, my head around it.

I thought, you were over him?

I was.

You know, when...

the papers arrived.

Suddenly, I'm onto him again.

Cora.

Stupid.

Now, I'm alone.

You know, nothing, about being alone.

I could do, with alone.

It's cheap.

Is it, money again?

How much?

No. I'm not taking anything from
you. You always bailing me out.

No.

I'll sort it out, myself.

I can.

I'm a grown up.

Oh my gosh!

She's a grown up!

I am too.

When did this happen.

I must've missed it.

Oh, fuck off.

Come on.

Drinky.

I've never, told you this.

But, I envy you.

What? Me? Two kids?

Different fathers?

No maintenance?

I really, got it right.

No really.
You've got everything.

A lovely home, full of noise.

Two fantastic boys, who adore you.

Jesus, Ellen.

You have, your own company.

You started, Starlets with Stanley.

You're the boss.

You earn, proper money.

I don't have, my Daniel.

You've got me?

And Sam.

And Cole.

Cole. He's a sweetie.

I can't wait for him to grow up,
so I can marry him instead.

All right, he won't have you.
You'd be a bit old by then.

He can rescue me.
I like being rescued.

Daniel rescued me.

No. He knew what, you wanted.

That's what he did.

He saved me.

Crap.

You did, day drink yourself out,
like you do.

That's what we all, love about you.

You're only,
ever partially with us.

Shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, Cora.

Thought, I'd make it.

What are they doing?

Can't they just, walk across?

Oh. Look at you.

Bastard.

Show ass, nasty haircut, and
cheap jacket, and shit!

Fuck.

Oh shit.

Bugger. This car.

Bugger, everybody else.
Sod this life!

Christ! Oh shut up, all of you!

Listen, Ellen.

You've been spending too
much time, on your own.

Let's throw a party.

To celebrate, your new found freedom.

Have some fun.

Me? Have a party?

You go on up.

Put the kettle on.
I need to get milk.

Daniel.

Cora! Hi!

You bastard.

Still, the same old Cora, then?

You left, to Barbados, and you
wouldn't come back.

What are you doing here anyway.

I had a, couple of deals going.

Quite juicy, actually.

Then, they weren't going.

Well, you know how it is.

So, you're not pleased to see me then?

Oh, who'd be pleased to see you?

I have my fans.

Hey look... is Ellen about?

I need to pop around, for a wee chat.

Oh, no, you leave her alone.

No. She's fine.

She doesn't need you.
Nobody needs you.

Why don't you just, go away again?

You haven't told her, have you?

Oh Cora.

Cora's got a secret.

Stop it. Oh shut up!

Well, that will give us
something to chat about

when I drop by.

No. You leave her alone!

Do you think, she could cope?

No.

No, I don't think so.

Stay away, from Ellen and me.

I don't think so.

We're doing fine, without you.

Bye.

Don't dare tell her! I mean it!

♪ I'm Still Alive -
Trisha Yearwood ♪

Good morning. Thank you.

What is it, Ronald?

An invite. From our Ellen.

Charming.

Hey. Could you not eat
my bills, instead.

Hi.

It's Emily here.
Did you get an invite

to Ellen's dinner party?

Yeah, of course I got one.

This, party was my idea,
don't forget.

Well, I'm very worried.

Daniel's been spotted,
back in Edinburgh.

I know.

Your little secret,
won't be a secret much longer.

I know.
I will do something about it.

I promise, but not today.

For the sake of your
friendship with Ellen

you've got to tell her, the truth.

Emily, look. Just stop
nagging. All right?

Hi, Stanley.

Ouch.

Hi, Ellen.

I have an idea, for the books

but I was really keen to bring it in

because I didn't want to forget
it, you know.

I think, it's really good ass.

Housing in Starlit.

Most interesting thing, I
haven't heard you say in years.

What?

Bugger.

That's more the position, for you Ellen.

If women, spent more
time on their hands and knees.

It would be a lot more popular.

Piss off.

I'm just saying...

I had an idea, for the bloke strip.

I wanted to put it in, before I forgot it.

God.
You never switch off, do you?

No. But I'm working on it.

Not hard, enough.

Stanley?

Yowzer?

Do you think, that I'm uptight?

Do you think, I need a...

good shag?

I won't say, you're uptight.

You just need to let, every now and then.

Shag wouldn't do, us right enough.

How often, do you, shag?
Now that you're separated.

There's a question.

There's a lot of wishful thinking,

to my sex life, nowadays.

Now and again, I get lucky.

Well, I love you.

I love you.

You have to come to my dinner
party tonight, aren't you?

Oh come on. You can put on
a suit. Get dressed up a bit.

I don't even, do dinner parties.

Neither do I.

This, is my first.

Tension.

Look at the, state of you.

Sorry.

- Bye.
- Bye.

And, don't be late.

Stanley!

Daniel.

You're back.

Looks, like it.

Looking very well.

Tanned.

Very, playboy.

Well. Barbados was good,
while it lasted.

Sun... sea... sex.

You know.
Stay, while the going's good.

Piss off, when it's not.
You win some, you lose some.

What can I do for you?

Actually.
I was looking for Ellen.

She's not here.

Will she, be home tonight then?

Yeah.
She's having a dinner party.

Oh. Well.

Changed, days.

I'll pop around, later then.

Do you have to?

Yeah. I have to.

Just got a... bit of unfinished
business you know?

Emily here.
4 o clock, Saturday.

You will, have bought the stuff,
I told you to get.

Now you'll be wandering around, aimlessly

wondering what to do with it.

I'll be around, about 15 minutes,

before lift-off to supervise.

Why, don't you live in a bungalow?

I grew up, in a bungalow.

All my life,
I've ever wanted, was stairs.

My God. Cora?

I thought, you were broke?

No. I've got 750 Quid.

And you blew it all, on booze?

Yeah. What else is there?

That's really impressive.

Both our mothers, would be impressed.

Just like, real women.

What time is it?

I don't know.
It's about five-ish.

We should get started.

I suppose.

Quick drink, first?

What?

You can't help yourself, can you?

I met, Daniel in here.

Not drinking to that.

I met you in here.

I'll drink to that.

Guess, we should get back.

Fancy a walk?

Yeah.

You're not thinking
about Daniel, are you?

A little bit.

Where did he go?

Do you think, I drove him away?

Was I too, focused on my work?

No. Don't be ridiculous.

If you ask me. I don't
think, he ever really loved you.

What do you think of love?
Do you think it exists?

Do you, take up with people,
who make us feel sexier?

And stay with them,
because we feel desirable.

Is there, one person, for us.

And after they're gone.

No matter what happens, or who
else you sleep with

you're alone.

You know, like um...

the goose, who stays with the flock

but will never find another goose.

You don't think, Daniel
was my goose?

No.
Daniel's nobodies goose.

He's a fully paid up,
tool, that's a passing goose.

And no matter, what happens.

That's the way, he'll always be.

What makes you say that?

A woman knows.

You have been waiting,
to say that for years.

Yeah.

Hello!

The mouth-watering aroma,
of food being prepared.

The soft glow, of candle light.

The tempting sizzle

of onions and garlic, and olive oil.

What have you two, been doing?

Letting the wine breath.

You've drunk, the vodka.

Sorry.

No matter. I came prepared.

A maestro at work.

A little drink, for the maestro.

Stop it. Let go of him.

I have let go.

Have not.

I have, too.

And now, for the master stroke.

Ellen. The vodka.

This is a dish, to reveal your soul.

You sure about this?

A toast to Ellen.

To her first, dinner party.

May it be the first, of many.

Ellen!

So Ellen.

Are you going to move out of your flat?

Leave all your memories.

No. I'll stay here.
Me and my sofa.

Yeah.
Seems like a great love.

Ah. Love.
A dangerous thing.

♪ Love is the Devil ♪

Have you ever thought,

of buying a new pair of trousers, Stanley?

I like my trousers.

And they, like, me.

Have you always been,
faithful to Ronald, George?

Of course.

In thought, word and deed.

They're lovely.

Your thighs, look happy in them.

They are happy.

They're getting, happier.

Have you always been,
faithful to George, Ronald?

Well. Indeed, maybe...

But in thought, and word, I have not.

My libido strayed, from time to time.

I was always faithful, to Mr Boyle.

As you were, to Daniel, Ellen.

Yeah.
Look what good it did her.

Daniel and his cock,
were out making new friends,

every night.

Leaving Ellen alone, with her sofa.

At least, I didn't go out
shagging anybody, who came by

producing fatherless children.

Bitch.

That's not fair!

George and I.
Met in a pub,

over a plate of,
ham and cheese sandwiches.

It was deliciously ordinary.

That was years ago.

Years, and years.

We measured things, in
feet and inches.

Yards of material,
flapping around our ankles.

I would've been about, two.

I don't think, I'd wish to know that.

Those sandwiches,
were pro baloney, and Parma ham.

Thought very sheek in those days.

I'm not ordinary!

Never been, ordinary!

I feel ill-ish.
I'm going to die.

I drank too much.

All that food,
that's sloshing around inside my

stomach's not working.

How much, have you had?

God knows, how much vodka.

At least, a bottle of wine.

You should be, all right, on that.

Just be sick,
then you can start again.

So that told him.

Stanley?

It amuses me.

How any man, wearing a cashmere,
stroke silk, roll neck.

Costing the better
part, of 200 Pound.

Can call himself ordinary.

Did it, really cost that?

My shirt.
Cost 15 Pounds on sale.

Has it got, a really long tail.

It's a beautiful thing.

Waste of good money.

Yes dear.

Don't you dear me.

Stop it, Cora.

With what?

Stop fiddling with Stanley.

She fancies you.

Ouch! Christ!

Okay!

Dear is what you say,
to boring little wives.

Which is exactly, what you've become.

Better than being, a tart.

She can't throw.

You. When you have someone,
you--

Yes. I'm a tart,
and I love it.

That's a precious colour.

Pack that in!

No! Won't!

I won't leave Stanley either.

Leave him, alone.

I'm a tart, a beautiful tart.

Stop it all of you.
What's gotten into?

I don't know what's gotten into you.

Liquor! Gallons and gallons,
of liquor.

If only, Mr Boyle was here.

God. I miss him.

Is that why, you
haven't shagged anyone

for the past 30 years.

She's pissed off,
because Stanley fancies me,

and she can't get Daniel out of her mind,

and she should, because he's an ass.

I know, Daniel wasn't a saint, but...

I loved him.

Aw. Come here.

What makes you such an expert, on Daniel?

I slept with him.

Cora.

I said it.

I said, I slept with him.

How?

Well, easy.

Very easy.

He's a bastard.

But a great shag, bastard.

There's more.

No, Cora.
This is not the time.

Cole's his son.

You, cow.

What was in that sauce?

A bottle of vodka, at least.

God.

You knew, I always wanted
to have, Daniels baby.

You shit, Cora!

You're to fucking
uptight, to have a baby!

You're too scared! I'm
Ellen, I'm special and black

Ms Superior.

Mrs, actually!

Unlike you, slag.

Oh yes. Slag and proud.

You couldn't even get your,
slags badge and the brandings.

Oh, fuck you!

- Fuck you too!
- Stop this!

You must sort this out.

Calmly.

Fuck, calmly.

Cora's a slag. There I said it.

No she's not. She's been in hell
about this, for years.

So, you knew?

She had to tell someone.

She knew it would break your heart.

Well, Cole.

And you.

You've all been laughing at me,
behind my back.

Nobodies been laughing at you.

We've been, feeling sorry for you.

Oh, Stanley.

That's worse.

I didn't mean it.

It just happened.

I'd just been cooped up,
for months.

Shit Ellen, I was horny.

Look, I did not know who, he was.

But Ellen.
He sure as hell, knew who I was.

You're a shit.

You're a shit, and a liar.

Get out.

You're all shits!

Why don't you all, get out!

Go on! Laugh at me!

Laugh at me.

Ellen.

Piss off!

Piss off, all of you.

Okay. I'll get my coat,
and I'll go and piss off.

I fucking, hate you.

Yeah. I spent a bit of time,
hating me too.

I said, no good
would come, of this party.

I said, it would all come out.

You were right.

I said--

Daniel!

Hi.

How show you, dare your face around here.

If I wasn't so passive,
I'd punch your face!

Come along, old man.

Well, Stanley.

You're the one,
she's been goosing all evening.

I vote. You go after her.

Oh god.

Cora!

Cora, please.

Thanks, for walking me home.

Pleasure.

Needed to air.

Oh Stanley.
I slept with Daniel.

I know.

Lucky Daniel.

You don't think, I'm shit then?

You always seemed,
delectable to me.

I wanted to tell her.

I tried.

On the tip of my tongue,
then she would turn around

and I can't decide.

Then, she'd apologise...

to me, for standing on her toe.

How do you tell a woman, who goes around

mumbling and sighing, and apologizing.

That, you slept with her
husband, and had his kid.

I know, that I knew,
but I didn't tell Ellen.

She's not very good, at life.

Dreaming, yes. Life, no.

It's all right, Cora.

No. It isn't.

Thanks for saying, it is.

Daniel. Is that you?

You had a party, and
you didn't invite me?

Fuck off.

Shut the door, on your way out.

I thought, you were dead.

I didn't.

You disappear, out of my life.

For years, I hear nothing.

Not a letter, or a postcard, nothing.

Oh, Ellen.

I'm sorry.

Piss off.

You screwed, my best friend.

She's had your baby.

You've got a son.

Cole.

Cole?

Is that what, she called him?

Yes.

Yes, and he is lovely.

He's so sweet.

Full of life.

He should've been mine.

I hate you.

What are you doing?

I was just, making you comfy.

Stop it. Go away.

Last night, you just fucked me,
and then you tell me to leave.

Looks like it.

Sod this!

There is, fucking
nothing, in this fucking fridge.

There's never,
anything in this effing fridge.

You eat it all.

What you doing?

What I'm doing. I'm
kneeling on the floor

with my head in the fridge.

Searching for food, swearing
like a trooper.

What do you expect, I'm a mother.

I'm sorry.

I need to get away.

Clear my head.

Do some serious thinking.

You can have, my Mars Bar.

Aw, thanks.

I know, what it means to you.

Rachmaninoff.

Dreary man.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

Don't worry Miss.

We'll have you out in a minute.

Get her out.

Oh well.

There you go.

End of the fart mobile.

But, I won't die.

No.

I refuse to die, to banana rama.

"Hi. Ellen and Daniel here.
Leave a message, bye".

I know, you're there Ellen.

And you're sulking.

Well, stop it!

Your dinner party, wasn't a disaster.

It was memorable.

Who, will ever forget it.

Anyway. I have just the right,
recipe, to aid in your recovery.

Milk and Whiskey soup.

Oh. There you are.

What time do you call this? Have
you any idea

how worried we've been?

We nearly, phoned around the hospitals.

I know, you've got a
good explanation?

Oh my. The inquisition.

Actually, the fart mobile,
went off the road.

Oh my god. Are you, all right?

Of course. Look at me.
Not a mark.

The girl's in shock.
Fetch Brandy.

In this house, brandy?
You'd be lucky to find a teabag.

Not now, Ronald.

Cora's, had a terrible experience.

Really. I'm fine. Honestly.

Actually, I need to go and pick
up the shopping.

Could you hang on, a little bit longer?

You shouldn't be going anywhere.

She's not as fine, as she thinks, she is.

Someone's got to look, after that girl.

Look at me.

I won't let you down.

Not a scratch.

I'm perfect.

I'll get you,
some coco pops, to celebrate.

"Sorry. And a thousand
times, sorry

for what happened at your party".

"Please don't feel betrayed".

"Nobody, wanted to cause you pain".

"You'll always be, our favourite
little blueberry muffin".

"Love, Ronald and George".

I was upside down.
I couldn't move.

It's okay, everyone.

Oh my! Stanley!

I nearly died.

The car was upside down, and I
was sitting in it,

and I just got out, before it flattened.

I don't want to be killed.

I just realised it.

I don't want to die.

Yeah. Mortality is a bummer.

All right.

Hot sweet tea.

You're in shock, I think.

Unless you're daft, like this,
all the time.

No.

Thanks, for saving me.

Thanks, for bringing me here.

I don't want to, go home.

Wouldn't go, for a drink.

Where else, is it?

You have a nice, place here.

You have, nice plants.

I like them.

You're so nice, Stanley.

"Ellen's lovely.
Ellen's talented. Ellen's witty.

"Stanley's clever, kind,
gorgeous kind, funny".

"Everything a woman, wants in a man".

"Thank Christ, we never shagged.

"Now we can be pals, forever"

What's happened to me?

I can't move.

Oh. Easy. Here.

Properly up here, okay.

Your mind, fell apart yesterday.

Your body, just caught up.

Stay, in bed.

Oh, Stanley. You're a hero.

Marry me.

No, I don't want to get married.

Adopt me.

Can't clean the knickers already.

Brought you some toast.

And, have a look at this.

I don't read, books like that.

Anyway, I want to see Ellen.

Look at the, pictures, in the book

♪ Lulu - Hey Stranger ♪

Ellen.

Ellen.

Listen, Ellen.
I know you're in there.

Come on. Open up.

Oh for God's sake Ellen,
we have to talk.

Ellen!

Piss off!

No.

No. I pissed off once,
didn't work for me.

Won't piss off again.

Well, you going to have to.

Ellen, please.

No!

Go away!

Well, I am going away.

I'm going home.

What?

Ellen.
It's cold out here.

If I wasn't all cried
out, I'd cry for you.

Please.

You slept, with my Daniel.

Oh listen, to you.

My Daniel.

Everybody's Daniel.

Don't cheapen yourself,
you're worth more.

Besides, he said his name
was Freddy.

Freddy?

Oh, for goodness sake.

Stop standing out there,
and being embarrassing.

I suppose, you better come in.

You know, Daniel
was here, the other night.

I know.

I smacked his jaw.

Good.

You have to give, this man up.

I know.

I have.

I told him, not to come back.

It's over then?

It's over.

I was, I was all dandily.
Should've just taken him,

by the seam of his pants,
and thrown him out.

Talking of Emily.

Look what Stanley found.

Emily, and Rachmaninoff.

Is it?

It has to be.

I looked at it, and I'm positive.

Oh, It's true.

She was telling the truth.

I am going to have a wonderful
life, when I go on tour.

Yeah, that's love. I've
got to dream, you know

when you're older.

I told you never to come back!

Just a swift visit.
We have come for the sofa.

Leave that alone!

Look, it's mine.

I'm taking it.

You gave me the sofa,
on our wedding day, remember.

Your one and only romantic
gesture. You're not getting it.

Ellen. You've got to get
yourself a new life

and a new sofa, to go with it.

Think of it!
A memory free sofa.

Go.

No! I won't! I've been happy
on this sofa.

What is happy, I ask myself

Cora.
What the fuck are you on about?

Happiness.

Oh, piss off! What
do you know about happiness.

More than you! Bastard!

You're a shit!

Who do you think you
are, swearing at me like that?

Who does she think she is? She's
the mother of your child

for one thing.

She was up for it! If it
wouldn't have been me

it would've been someone else!

That is a terrible thing to say.

How dare you, speak to my best
friend, like that.

Seriously? Up for it?

I didn't think.

What about me?

Yeah, what?

Me, you fucker! Me!
I am somebody!

You wanted a fabulous Mrs Quinn.

Someone, to drape on
your arm, and fancy.

Someone sexy!

Someone who's tasted life.
Blah blah blah.

That is not me!
That's not who I fucking was!

Take it easy!

You're going to burst something
in a minute.

I hate to say it, but he's right.

I was fine the way I was!

Fuck the fabulous Mrs Quinn!

I hate her!

Hate this sodding sofa!

I don't want it, Cora.

Push!

And don't come back. I don't
want to see you again.

You and this sodding sofa.

Oh, Dolly would be proud of you.

Jolene. Jolene. Jolene

I'm begging of you,
please, please, get my man!

Piss off!

You can have him, Jolene.

Don't want him!

Turn right!
To the left, to the left!

Think, you'll ever see him again?

If I know Daniel...

And I know Daniel.

He'll be back, in about ten minutes.

Ten minutes?

What does he want?

This.

Bloody hell, Ellen.

25 Thousand Pounds, to be exact.

Lots and lots of cash.

His winnings.

What will you do with it?

Give half to you.

I can't take it. Don't be silly.

It's yours. I can't take it.

It's yours.

Come on. He owes you.

Support for his son.

Don't go all noble on me now.
You need this money, take it.

No.

No go on. For Col, for Sam.

For you to be free.

Right.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Absolutely, ducky.

Here you are.

Finally.

Bliss. More than bliss,
heavenly. More than heavenly.

Upstairs.

Ellen!

I've been looking for you everywhere.

All right.
What have you done with it?

With what, Daniel?

I couldn't find my money.
Where is it?

I gave half to Cora. I took my
Fiver back,

and the rest is down at the bookies.

I put it on a horse.

You did what?

I have made a bet. A
punt. A wager.

You know, that sort of thing.

Oh, you haven't got on your lucky socks,

and I didn't wear my lucky
knickers, or my lucky bra.

I didn't walk down,
the lucky 7th Street. But...

Here you are, anyway, look.

11995 Pounds,
on Gangster's Revenge, to win.

Oh no.

What do you think?

Fat chance, don't you think?

Yeah. Fat chance.

Oh, you're a bitch Ellen.

Yeah, I know.

I know, but I'm a fabulous bitch.

I'm not. I'm still nice!

Oh God.

I still hate you, by the way.

Hate you too.

Never told you this,

but you're a self-introverted cow.

I know.

Well, that's, that then.

♪ Dolly Parton
- Jolene ♪