Wobble Palace (2018) - full transcript

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Eugene.

Hi.

You did it, you did it,
you hugged me.

Oh my god, this place is nuts.

Let me get this door.

Oh wait, wait wait, don't.

Can you come back from
there, from that threshold?

Yeah, I need you to
take your shoes off.



Oh yeah, I'm sorry, no
problem.

It's just
house rules, you know.

Yeah I know, I totally get it.

And now, you may rise and
enter my lair.

Wow.

Yeah I designed
most of this stuff, I made it.

This is like very Blues Clues,
you know?

Sure, yeah, whatever
works for you.

You mean it's cool
and shit, right?

Yeah.

Oh my god,
what is that?

DSLR camera?

Yeah.

Ah, that's nice.



Wow, with the flash and
everything, huh?

Yeah, I'm a photographer.

Hey, you wanna
see something cool?

Check this out, check it out.

Oh, hey I'm fallin'
on the couch.

You're probably looking
at that and thinking

wow, he looks so comfortable,
that could be me.

You're right.

You could join me on this couch

and we could both
be comfortable together.

Mmm.

I don't know.

Why?

Isn't this kind of weird?

Yeah I could see how
you would think this place

is kooky, weird, whatever.

You'll get used to it.

No I mean it's just like
we don't know each other.

We just met on an app and
you're a complete stranger

and I'm in your house.

Hmm, maybe, I mean
that is actually

the whole contract
with these apps, right?

People sign up so they can
meet complete strangers

and kind of have a "adventure".

Everybody loves shit like that.

Okay.

What are you
worried about?

I'm a good boy.

Nothing, nothing.

Don't you wanna see the
rest of the house, come on.

Yeah, yeah, show me.

All right, I will show you.

Like this room for instance
is under construction,

you get it.

And so a lot of stuff like that.

You have
a lot of books.

No time for that, okay.

We gotta move it right along.

Now this room is very
private and very special.

You heard of the show
called MTV: the Cribs?

They used to have a line
they said in rooms like this.

This is where all the

Magic happens.

You fucking
got it, exactly.

Wow, this is so normal.

Normal, yeah, I guess.

What is this, IKEA?

IKEA, yeah wow, we're really
connecting.

Why do you have all
these women's clothes?

Hmm, I have a roommate and
my roommate wears the clothes.

It's pretty cool.

Oh, you have a girl roommate.

Well it's actually kind
of presumptuous

and opposed to gender
society that we're in

but yes my roommate is a girl.

Okay, where does this
girl roommate sleep?

Well I don't know,
take a good guess.

Bing bong, she sleeps
on this bed.

Okay, so where do you sleep?

Where do I sleep?

Kind of like over
here a little more.

Why did you have me over
here if you have a girlfriend?

What?

Back up a second.

We're in an open relationship.

Isn't that very cool and very
progressive?

BT Dubs, she mandated that,
all the way at the beginning.

She said we need to be
in an open relationship

and I was like no,
I love monogamy.

I'm just a traditional guy.

And then she's like no,
this is the new wave.

I'm hungry.

You're hungry.

You're not freaked out, right?

No, let's have brunch.

I'm in an open relationship,
it's cool, it's fine, good.

Totally cool.

And you know you've
come to the right spot.

This is where people go to
find the ingredients for food

which is why we're here to eat.

And this is perfect.

We could eat a omelet,
a little olives in it.

You have no food.

There's some mustard.

There's prosecco if you
like to get a little drunk.

Omelet, prosecco,
what else do you need?

I think we should
probably go out.

I could also do that,
what a great idea.

There's a lot of food
options in the neighborhood.

Okay.

Okay.

Is it good?

It's okay.

You like it?

Mhmm.

Yeah.

You noticing those guys there?

Yeah, what are they doing?

They're doing their thing.

It's a ritual,
part of their schtick.

No, no, no, don't do that.

Don't do that.

What are you
talking about?

Did they ask you to take their
photos?

Dude, chill out, it's not a
big deal.

How would you feel if
they went to fucking WeHo

and started doing calligraphy?

I'd be just fine with it.

Yeah.

Oh, so what are you gonna
do the rest of the day?

I was actually thinking if
we could go back to your place.

Well I'm gonna do that anyway,
so,

if that's what you wanna do,
yeah, great.

Should we go?

Yeah.

Let's fucking do it.

I'm not done eating my
sandwich.

Oh yeah, duh, let's
finish the sandwiches

and then we'll go.

You really wanna go back huh?

Yeah.

Great.

Somehow it always ends up in
here

and that's the way it should be
actually.

And maybe you've changed
your mind about this bed.

You know, open bed, open
relationship,

open invitation to have an
adventure and have some fun.

You know what I want?

Yeah, I think I could imagine.

I really want you to get
naked.

Oh my god, that's exactly what
I want

but sort of vice versa.

Like I would like you to get
naked, so maybe we could,

No, no, no, you, I'll help
you.

You know I love women with
agencies,

I wanna see you on the bed.

Why don't we start with the,

you know, work our way
up to something magical?

There you go.

Yeah peel that sucker off.

And you could actually do
it a little more sensuously,

like just try that out for size.

Is this good?

Oh my god, yes.

And uh, maybe I can just pull,
ladadadada.

And why don't you pull that off?

Ooh.

Yeah, now you got.

You want this too?

Mhmm, the whole thing.

I'll tease, the whole
thing?

The whole thing.

Okay, you wanna get
this all the way down.

Okay, I can do that.

And let me do the last one

because it's a little striptease
thing.

It's a little sexier if I do it.

Yeah, mhmm.

And now, will you pull it off?

Yeah, like a fucking sensuous
samurai.

And you should come with me.

Okay.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Oh shit, that's cool.

'Cause you're a pro.

No, no, don't do that.

No, no.

What are you doing?

Now lay back.

Okay, whatever.

This is fine, I'm fucking cool.

Progressive fucking dude.

Okay, if you're gonna
fucking take photos of me

and all of me, tell me what I'm
doing.

Stay right there.

Okay, what else?

What's my vibe?

There we go.

Oh that's great.

Are you getting it?

- Are you getting good stuff?
- That's good.

Exactly, and now that
you're done with that

it's time to get on
and hop in bed with me.

You know, one good turn deserves
another.

Um actually, I gotta go.

Oh, god.

Are you serious?

No you're not gonna go.

No, no, no, no, you're
not gonna fucking go.

What the fuck?

You're not being very
respectful.

Okay, okay, no, no.

Get off of my bag.

All right yeah I don't wanna
like,

you know, be physical with you.

Okay, bye.

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

Oh hi.

Hey, how's it going?

It's good, I'm Esther.

Yeah, I know, I know.

From the thing, Esther, duh.

Yeah, yeah.

Eugene.

Welcome to my lovely home.

Thank you.

Oh my god.

Isn't it cool?

Yeah.

This is my spot.

So much going on.

Did you do this yourself?

Um, actually my roommate did.

All right, cool.

My roommate is actually my
girlfriend.

All right, well, she
seems like a talented lady.

She is talented.

And we're in an open
relationship, so.

Smart woman.

Right, why do you say do?

I'm a smart guy too.

You know what they say,

like why buy the whole pig
for one little sausage?

People say that?

Yeah, some people say that.

Well check out this
couch, it's really nice.

Oh my god, green denim.

Give it a rub, give it a feel.

Oh my god this is so soft.

It is soft, it's nice.

Ooh.

This is very soft too.

Yeah, yeah, it's astroturf.

Yeah, get a feel of this.

Still thinking about the sausage
thing.

It's like being in the park.

Right, exactly, it's just
like a day in the park.

So did your girlfriend
make this coffee table too?

Oh that?

Why are we carrying
this all the way down?

Come on, it's an
adventure.

Not really.

Come on, what's the
problem?

It's not balanced.

Okay wait, stop.

We're carrying it
wrong!

Okay, how do we do it right?

How do we do it right?

Like, flip it.

Okay, which way?

This way.

Okay, flip it on three, okay?

One, two, three.

I just wanna say thanks for
letting us put

your back seat down.

The hives, sucks.

What?

What?

This titus job sucks.

Pay is shit, I'm sick, tired.

If you're tired you might
wanna just,

you know, go home and take
a nap when we're done.

Eugene.

Emmett, can you turn
that down?

Yeah, you're being rude.

Pick up the gobbledygoop.

Oh, my gobbledygook?

It's Russian.

Yes.

We're Russian.

Talking in another
language, welcome to America.

Multicultural, man.

Is he retarded?

Your like, your retarded
Russian brother or something.

no.

Brother?

I'm not her fucking brother.

He's my retarded Russian
boyfriend.

Nah.

That we got on Craigslist.

Cool.

Yeah, it was actually so cool.

Hey, do you want any water?

Sure.

'Cause I got some of the
finest water in LA county.

Bet you've never seen
anything quite like that.

A sink full of dirty
dishes?

Uh, no.

This actually makes sense,
so his and hers

and there's a dividing line
between them

and never the tween
shall meet, okay?

No, this ionizer, this water
ionizer.

It's very cool.

But why do you have
a Korean ionizer?

You know it's
a Korean ionizer?

Oh my god, oh my god.

You think I,

you think I must have like
an Asian fetish or something.

No, I wasn't really
getting at that

but you know, it's good to know.

No I don't, 'cause I've
dated a lot of chicks

of all creeds and
colors and races.

And actually you
have lot in common

with the types of girls I
normally date

'cause they're all
like weird and smart

and like, you know, really
creative.

Well it sounds to me like
you got pretty good taste.

Oh does it now?

Yeah.

Does it now, Esther?

I'm getting to like
you quite a bit.

I like you too.

You have soft hands.

Yeah I'm really soft,
touch my skin.

It's like, and I never
moisturize.

Like a baby.

Aha, yeah, never done
a day of work in my life.

It's like I have, but not with
my hands.

Oh I'm sorry.

Do you mind if I take this?

It's like a
family thing, sure.

Hello, good afternoon.

Mhmm, yes this is she.

Who am I speaking with?

Wonderful.

So have you seen
anyone like me before?

No?

Do you get into ABDL, NT,
CBT, things like that?

Uh huh.

And where are you hoping to
serve me?

Three hours?

Perfect.

So when can I expect your
deposit, the next five?

Very good.

I'll keep an eye out for it.

Bye bye.

Sorry about that, so
rude to take a phone call

like right about it.

No, it's all good.

It was a business
phone call, right?

That's right, I'm a Pro Dom.

Okay.

That's so fucking cool,
that's really cool.

To be honest, kind of
exhausting, you know.

Sure, you're
over it a little bit.

Yeah you know, so many
guys need to get stepped on,

slapped or treated like a slut

or be a human toilet.

Right, human toilet.

It's just like super
exhausting.

Right, men love to be sluts.

Yeah, they do.

Yeah.

So do you get into
any of that play

or I mean you seem to know
what I was talking about?

I'm more like a vanilla
boy, honestly, yeah.

That makes a lot of sense

'cause all my clients are
like high powered lawyers

or doctors or entrepreneurs.

So they really like to just
relinquish all control to me.

Whereas you know, I feel
like maybe you have a more

like fluid lifestyle?

Actually, I'm pretty
corporate.

Pretty business.

But you don't have
access to that

'cause you don't
really know me fully yet

but you could get to know me.

And if you ever do
have the urge to like

beat the shit out
of me, it's like

okay with it.

That another family
thing, some family stuff?

No, you know I'm sorry.

I have to go get
ready for my session.

Oh my god, I'm so proud of you

and excited for your
bank account.

Well maybe we can
hang out soon, huh?

I had a really good time
today.

I gotta run.

Bye.

Bye.

Don't forget your bike.

And don't forget me.

Insurance.

Automobile club.

College fund.

Here we go, taking care of
business.

Taking care of all the
important business.

Hmm.

Fuck.

Hey yeah.

You know, I'm just ripping
up bills like you saw.

So yeah if you're
into that, totally just

send me a DM and
I'll pop you the addy.

All right cool, bye.

You know I'm just ripping
up bills like you saw.

So yeah if you're,

Feels good, huh?

Yeah it feels cathartic.

Yeah yeah yeah,
don't you kind of wish

that you had your own bills?

Um, I don't really
have too many bills.

Really?

What you have a
kind of trust fund vibe?

I'm taken care of.

Uh well I probably have
enough to go around, so

thank you for helping me out.

Why do we have this light on?

Why don't we have
on the cool lights?

Um, well 'cause it's
good for the video

but I guess that's over now, so.

See?

Oh yeah.

Wow, you have a very intuitive
sense of the space, you know?

Yeah and I've
been here before.

Nah, 'cause if
you've been here before

I think I would remember
that, you know, my house.

You weren't here,
I came here with Jane

a couple times.

You were here a couple times
with Jane?

Yeah.

And I wasn't here?

No.

I find that hard to believe,
you know, 'cause like Jane,

Well it was like a party.

A little party.

Oh, and was it fun?

Yeah it was really fun,
it was cute.

It was cute?

Yeah, Jane's fun.

I was stuck.

Where is Eugene?

Who cares?

Is it okay that I'm
laying here on the floor?

Yeah this is the perfect
distance.

Okay.

Could you like maybe like
send me an invite next time

one of these cool
cute functions happen?

What's up with your hair?

Like what's going on with that?

- My hair?
- Yeah.

This is cool, this is good.

This is called the
floating toupee.

This is like my look.

This is the thing I invented.

Okay.

Yeah, it looks more like
you're hiding something.

Hiding something?

Yeah like,
like a bird.

Like a bird?

Maybe you're like
embarrassed of your baldness.

Well I don't have baldness,

I have just a new look.

Your baldingness then.

Okay so what's like a
different look?

What should I do besides
this, you want like this?

Pull it back, yeah.

This, this is a good look?

Yeah.

Like a fucking troll doll.

Well like, what if you
just like take it all down,

see what we got to work with.

You're gonna help me out?

Yeah, well.

I'll be there for moral support.

I don't wanna touch it.

What do you think, is
this like getting there

or getting there?

Yeah, I think it
looks a lot better.

You know I'm really
happy you say that

because a lot of the time lately

when like I ask Jane about,

oh how's my hair look,
how does my outfit look?

It's like uniformly negative.

And I feel like I just can't
trust her opinion anymore.

She's very biased.

Do you think the open
relationship's

just like not working?

No, I think it's working
great.

But you know, there's
like peaks and valleys.

So like we're working through
one of the valleys right now.

Uh huh.

Like this weekend for
instance,

like we split up the house.

It's gonna be very positive.

It's already been very
positive for us.

And like the house
is nice, you know.

Do you like it?

Yeah, yeah,
the house is great.

And it's super cheap.

The rent is extremely
reasonable.

I don't think that's a reason

to stay in a relationship
though.

I'm not saying that's why
we stay in a relationship.

Of course we're in a
relationship

because it's like we're in love.

We have like respect and
admiration for each other.

But it's just a lot
of great amenities

that come with
this sort of thing.

Okay, you're done.

I'm hungry, let's go.

Oof.

Sorry like, everything's closed.

It's like this, Burger Gods.

Yeah, did you wanna
go here to Burger Gods?

Why would I fucking
wanna go here?

This is like everything I hate.

Burger Gods in
Chinatown, come on.

Uh huh, why is that?

What do you mean why?

It's very disrespectful

of like the flavor of the
community.

And like who is it serving?

Who is it catering to?

All right, you complaining
about gentrification

is like Republicans
complaining about Trump.

Hmm no.

You can't set the foundation
and then be surprised

by what follows.

Set the foundation?

How am I fucking setting the
foundation?

I don't walk in saying like

here's my new art gallery.

Just by living in this
neighborhood,

a guy like you is participating.

What do you mean
a guy like me?

Like a white guy.

Wait a second, oh my god.

I used to live in Highland Park

and I didn't want any coffee
shops there

but they all showed up.

And before that
I was in Echo Park

and I didn't want any health
foods stores

and they opened up all
these health food stores.

I don't like those
sorts of things.

But they go where I go
just a few months later.

Are you just realizing
all this stuff, or is this?

No, I thought
about this before but never

in the context of me.

I know.

Okay.

So what do I do?

I'm not gonna be your liaison
into cultural redemption.

But I'm going to a Halloween
party if you wanna go.

There's probably snacks there.

No, I think I need
a moment to reflect on

the man in the mirror.

All right, well I'm gonna
leave you here

with your feelings,
let you absorb.

Yeah, okay well
I'll catch you later.

Right cool, see ya.

Right, see ya, bye.

Okay well, I guess I'm the
problem.

Actually I should
probably just die.

No one wants to fuck me,
no one wants to talk to me.

No one wants to be next to me.

No one wants me in the
neighborhood.

That's fine, it's fine.

You just go to sleep and
forget about everything

and just wake up the next
day and feel totally fine.

I'll be fine.

Just wake up tomorrow morning

and feel totally fucking fine.

Batteries, batteries, batteries.

This, this is so stupid.

Hi, Eugene.

Hey, Desi.

How do you always
know just when to call?

How are you?

Bad.

Right.

Things are bad again.

I'm even worse.

You know I'm feeling
really sick and lonely.

Well, you wanna
hang out together?

Yeah, I just took my
costume off.

Right.

You need anything?

Um, some probiotics?

Thank you, by the way for
getting me

the largest jar of kimchi you
could find.

Sure yeah well I mean
you said you were sick

so I wanted to fulfill any
requests and.

So do you have a, you have a
yeast infection or something?

Yeah.

Okay, you seem excited to
reveal that

and that's fine, that's good.

Well I'm happy you are aware,
you know.

Sure, um.

Now that's not
contagious, is it?

Yeah if we,

yeah, it is contagious.

Oh really?

Okay, well that's fine,
we weren't gonna fuck.

I'm on my period anyways.

Right, that's never
really been a problem

but it should tonight 'cause
not only are you in period

but you also have this,

You don't wanna get a yeast
infection.

I would hate that.

It's like yeast coming
out of your dick.

I wouldn't even
be able to get it up.

No, that's disgusting.

'Cause it's just
so fucking gross

and I wouldn't wanna get it

'cause then I'd be itching
everyday.

I feel really unsexy.

And I feel really happy
just sitting here with you

as just a buddy.

Yeah, we don't do this enough.

Cuck hairdo?

I can post that.

You like what you see?

I'm a good guy.

I'm a good guy, okay?

I'm a pure guy and
I'm a good guy

and I'm a nice guy
and I mean well.

Just started fucking look good.

I start to fucking look good.

Basically at the
halfway mark here.

Oh fuck.

Fuck.

Hey come on, it's time to go.

Hey, hello.

It's time to go, let's go.

I'm not going.

You're not going?

It's time to go, come on.

Ugh.

It's time to go.

Time to go to social club.

We talked about this.

I have a lot of
work to do actually.

You have
a lot of work?

Look at you, you're just
sitting on the couch

eating chips and
watching Law and Order.

You're not really
working, come on.

Let's go out,
let's have some fun.

It's part of my process.

This is your process?

The process is sitting here
not hanging out with me,

not doing anything,
that's your process.

What the fuck are you wearing?

This is my cool
new belt, you like?

Is that like a
Halloween thing?

It's not like a
Halloween thing.

You know, it's a no costume
thing attached tonight.

Come on.

Well, you look stupid as fuck.

I look
stupid as fuck?

I look stupid as fuck?

Why are you doing this?

Look I'm sorry I'm
not, I don't feel good.

I know,
and I'm just trying

to make you feel better.

You're not.

Then maybe
we should just stay.

Maybe I'll just stay.

I'm not gonna go either.

I'm just gonna
chill here with you.

I'm just gonna
chill here with you.

Why don't you go?

Why don't we go,
why don't we go?

Go find some girls to
fuck if I'm not there.

Find some girls to fuck?

Why do you say stuff like that?

I don't wanna go
there and fuck somebody.

I wanna go there with
you and have fun together

and like let people
see us happy.

All right, I'm gonna
count to three.

When we hit three,
we're gonna get up.

- All right.
- And we're gonna go.

Uh huh.

All right.

Mmm, Jane is in her thing.

Good, uh, you're happy for her.

You love her, you admire
her, you're proud of her.

Okay, good,
let her do her thing,

don't fucking smother her.

You're doing your thing,
you know?

You're doing your thing.

He thinks
it's all about him.

Doesn't everybody?

Caught up in their own shit.

Their feelings and feeds.

Convinced they're
at the center of it all.

Other people's lives just
scrolling by.

A like here, a comment there.

But it always comes back to you.

I mean me.

This is clearly about me.

Hey, could I bum
a cig from you?

Uh.

I'll give you like 50 cents.

Sure.

Thank you.

Do you have a light?

Actually I do.

Look I just picked up the amp,

threw it on the ground.

Oh my god.

The thing exploded in a
million pieces,

everyone was like, oh my God!

It's so cool you're in a band.

Thank you.

Do you sing or,

you have such a nice voice.

I play the drums.

Oh, babe,
what happened?

My friend was on
Tub of Baxter,

one of the steepest
hills in the country,

bomb the hill like
I do all the time

not trying to brag, fucking
spilled out and ate shit.

Yeah that's,

Wrecked my arm.

Do you want
some antiseptic or,

No, it's all right.

Come on, come on.

You and your little
friends are gonna be like

backyard wrestling or whatever.

It's gonna get all infected.

I'm gonna help you.

Ow.

Whoah!

Do you like it?

Yeah, super tight.

And this couch.

I made that.

I made all of this actually.

You made that?

Mhmm.

I had the foam custom cut.

Then I got the terry cloth.

Yeah hey, my friend
actually builds skate ramps

and I got to help
out a couple times.

Tight.

Yeah building stuff's
actually not that hard.

Not trying to brag.

Cool.

That's awesome.

I'm gonna get
something for your arm

so I'll be right back.

Right.

What?

So do you live here alone?

Uh yeah.

Oh my god, you must be rich.

Um, I do okay.

I've had a pretty good quarter.

Ooh, aw.

Ah.

You know a thing
about beta fish?

Uh huh?

Is that you put two of them
in the same bowl for too long

and they always end up fighting.

And usually one of them dies.

It's actually
really fucking sad.

Well, maybe some animals
are just happier alone.

What?

What's wrong?

I have a girlfriend.

So?

Look, two hours ago, I
realized that I'm probably

in love with this girl.

Okay.

She's honestly everything
I've ever wanted.

She's smart, funny, she's hot.

She has great style, she's sexy.

She's creative.

Okay, I get it.

I'm creative.

Look, I just don't
wanna mess it up, okay?

Sorry.

The thing about beta fish is,

that's fish trivia 101.

I shouldn't be fucking
with skaters anyway,

those beautiful
free-spirited idiots.

I should just
buckle down and focus,

keep my eyes on the prize.

Eyes on the prize.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

All right, cool.

Well.

Hi.

I was just about to leave but

glad I stuck around.

What's going on?

I could really go for
some Ravi this weekend.

A real job?

Do you know how many
fucking jobs I've had?

Waitress, hostess, barista,
personal assistant,

stylist assistant,
photographer's assistant,

research assistant,
cam girl, shop girl,

ice cream scooper, intern,
extra, sugar baby, foot model,

alt model, of course.

The one job I made no money
off of, being an artist.

Leave me alone!

Shhh.

Oh man.

Boy do I have a
treat for all of you.

Here, for your entertainment,
Miss Baby.

Let's take a good old photo.

I love this.

I'm gonna post it.

Hey guys, why do
you think she's crying?

I don't do anything bad.

I'm a good guy.

That's me.

Mr. Good guy.

What?

Baby drama.

You put that away!

Wah wah wah wah.

What are you gonna do with
that knife, little baby?

Probably nothing!

I can't believe
I slept on the floor.

With these people, my friends.

I wonder if they really
aspire to anything more

than just living in the moment.

Whatever.

I need to check my privilege.

Here I am in Paz's
great big loft

hanging around a
cool successful artist

with feminist credentials.

Must be nice.

That's a great name too, Paz.

Her art pretty much
sucks but great loft.

Great name, take a breather,
some time to think.

Paz.

That's awesome.

Hi.

Paz, hi.

It's actually pronounced pahz.

Hi, Paz.

Sorry.

It's so crazy, it's
like all the children

like move here from New York

and they think they're gonna
be like art stars or whatever

but then they just
end up like handlers.

But I like to watch them sleep.

Me too.

Anyway, what do you do?

I'm an artist actually,
but not from New York.

I'm not delusional.

Not like these people.

I take it really
seriously, you know.

I'm like invested in truth.

And I really, I don't wanna
be like famous or successful.

Why?

I just mean,

I'm kidding, you don't
have to answer that.

The way you said that
though, it's amazing.

Because it sounds like really
like a basic

like basic, I don't know
how else to describe it.

Basic.

Yeah.

But inspiring.

Anyway.

Okay.

I like have to go to brunch.

Totally.

Do you want us to leave?

Yeah.

But um, and
thank you for asking.

Okay.

Like anytime would be great.

Like now or something.

Okay.

See ya.

Yeah.

Ravi.

Jane.

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, my neck.

Uh, sorry.

Do you wanna go to my house?

Yeah I'd love to.

Yeah, that sounds great.

That was a cool party.

Kickass, it was pretty good.

I'm excited that we're
not hanging out at a hotel.

For once.

Yeah, also okay, I love
hotels, plastic whatever.

I just, I mean I'm excited
for you to see my house.

Oh, I gotta take some
medicine.

Do you mind if I
make a pit stop at home?

Sure.

Welcome.

Wow.

What do you think?

Holy shit.

Pretty nice, right?

That's where you live,
cool.

Um, I just gotta do
some stuff in here.

Make yourself at home.

Okay.

Your cat's beautiful.

Thank you.

I got him in
Vancouver last year.

It's wicked expensive
but I love him.

Do you have to feed it?

No, he's got an
automatic feeder.

You have so much shit.

What can I say, I'm a
collector.

I love nice stuff.

It's nice how clean it is.

I know.

Juana comes once a week, she's
great, but,

I like my last one better.

Juana puts all my
shit away and just,

you know, I can never find it.

Looking for my
fucking shirts, iPad.

Gone, everything's gone.

Like giving it to
her fucking nephews

and grandkids and shit.

But whatever, I have two of
everything.

I like to be the benefactor.

You like the art?

It's cool.

Thanks, I get it from
a bunch of galleries.

You know a bunch of artists
live in this building, used to.

But,

whatever, I moved in.

What's up?

Outfit change?

Yeah, what do you
think?

Your clothes look brand new.

Thanks, just
ripped the tags off.

Did you take your medicine?

Hell fucking yeah.

Let's go.

I'm just gonna freshen up.

Cool.

I'm gonna finish this outside.

Cool.

See you in a sec.

Ugh.

What the fuck are
you doing here?

Oh hey.

Are you serious?

Fuck, what time is it?

It's time for you to go.

Um, can you give
me like five minutes?

No, I don't give a shit, you
have to go.

Sorry.

Fuck.

Hi.

I actually need a couple hours.

What?

I'm sorry.

I really wanna hang out later.

All right.

Sorry.

Sure.

Well, um, can I use your
bathroom real quick?

No.

Sorry, there's a Starbucks
just like eight blocks away.

Okay.

I can't wait to see you later.

All right, bye.

Bye.

What are you still doing here?

I need to walk past
you to leave, you know?

Ugh.

You look like fat Skrillex.

Thanks.

I wonder what Paz meant

when she said I was basic.

I wish I was basic.

Everyone tries so hard
to set themselves apart.

A flurry of snowflakes.

They call us a generation of
narcissists.

But it's not like we have
anything else

besides student debt and
front facing cameras.

Jane baby.

Hi, hi.

Hi girl.

Where are you?

I'm just doing a little
driving.

What are you up to?

I'm just at home.

Yeah you know
I'm not that far away.

Please, come over.

I like your robe.

Remember when you came in?

Did you like that?

That was so funny.

Jane!

OJ!

Robes.

You want me to do it again?

Yes, will you?

Robes!

Do you want me to do it again?

Yes, please.

One more time.

Robes?

It's so
funny.

Eh, it's okay.

It's okay.

Where have you been all my life?

Skiing.

Seriously?

Seriously, I just got back.

It was cold.

Oh.

It was fantastic.

How are you?

I'm okay.

I hung out with the guy
Ravi last night.

Ravi?

Yeah, with the dimples.

Uh huh?

I wanna like sit on his
face for the rest of my life.

Technically that's possible.

But you might get a cramp.

We really have fun.

It's not like Eugene, you know.

Where's that thing, that quirk

that's always running
around here?

He's not here.

We split the house for
the weekend actually.

Oh, how can a
man be that kooky?

And so boring at the same time?

White people.

White people.

The worst.

I mean we are
them but, I'm bicurious.

Sometimes it's so embarrassing
to look in the mirror.

Do you think I'm basic?

Jane.

Better basic than quirky.

No, I mean it.

Of course not.

You're very special.

I just wish there
was a way to know.

Are you ready?

It's just a simple test.

I guess so.

Have you recently
taken any food pics?

Kind of.

Do you love yoga?

It's fine.

Do you own a pair of Uggs?

Don't judge me, they're
super comfortable.

Are you addicted to fro-yo?

Isn't everybody?

Do you love champagne brunch?

Well.

Obviously.

Uh, I think I know the
answer to this one.

What?

Do you have a white
cis hetero boyfriend?

Check.

Ooh.

Jane, it says you're
kind of basic.

But I wouldn't pay that
much attention to it.

It's just one of
those testicles.

So what are you working on?

Kind of nothing to be honest.

Nothing?

You're so creative, you
need to do your work.

I feel so oppressed here.

In your own home.

Technically it's our
home, but,

I guess Eugene
is like my oppressor.

Right.

We need to get you out
from under his yoke.

Seems like I never
have any money.

And I don't know how to drive.

Oh, that's right.

Well driving is freedom.

Let's free you.

Mmm.

Jane, what wonderful driving.

Thank you.

Really strong
stuff I'm seeing here.

It feels good.

You're getting
terrific mileage, honey.

It feels like
empowering.

Very fluid.

I felt that that goofball man
was supposed

to teach you how to
get on the road.

We tried a few times, but,

it didn't really work
out so great.

Oh.

All right, this is totally
easy, you can do this honey.

Come on.

Okay.

So you stick the keys right
in there.

Turn it all the way,
keep going, keep going.

That doesn't sound good.

Wait wait, now put
your foot,

put your foot on the brake.

Put your put on the brake.

Left one, the left one.

Left one.

Yeah.

The left one?

Yeah, the left
one, that's the brake.

Are you sure?

Put your foot on that.

Now grab the stick.

Grab the stick.

And then pull it
down towards you

and then down till D,
so you hit D, see?

There it goes.

And now let go of
the brake a little bit.

And now we're driving.

Wow.

Now we're driving.

All right.

All right,
the right one is gas

so you can speed up a bit.

And now just
give it a quick brake

to show what you can do, okay.

Whoop, no, that's
too hard, okay.

Okay, I'm sorry.

You don't
wanna brake too hard.

And then okay just keep
going a little more,

go a little more.

This isn't so hard.

Yeah, so if you're
gonna crash,

What do you mean?

Well I mean,
you're just not,

you're not really
doing it intuitively.

Well it's not intuitive.

Uh oh.

See that?

What?

Stop, we're coming
to like a dead end.

You're gonna have
to make a turn.

Okay, it's gonna
be kind of hard.

Wait, stop.

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop.

Put in the brake,
I'm gonna do it.

Put in the brake, I'll do it.

You're doing it?

Yeah, yeah.

But you're teaching me.

Let's just switch sides, huh?

Don't close it.

Sorry.

Just gonna have to open
it again, all right honey.

All right.

Love you honey.

Don't take it personally, okay?

I see a breakup
coming on this fucked up

road you're traveling down.

I know.

I think we both
feel that way but

it's just so hard with
the house, you know?

Snap out of it, kid.

Get your tits in gear.

This ain't no pity party.

So see you at the Halloween
parties later?

Yeah, maybe, I don't know.

I love you.

Love you babe.

Bye.

Even though that
drive was pretty triggering,

I think I made good headway.

I'm actually pretty lucky.

I have such great friends,

a date with a promising
young tech entrepreneur,

and we're gonna have our
first female president soon.

My life's really turning
around without Eugene.

It's only been one day, wow.

Your neighborhood's so easy
to park in, it's amazing.

It's actually street
cleaning today.

Huh, whatever.

60 dollar ticket, you think I
give a fuck?

Do you wanna go inside?

Def.

Oh, hello.

So you think you
wanna have kids?

Honestly, no.

What do you mean?

I mean I hate kids.

This world is like a toilet.

Whatever, I'm definitely
having kids.

Why?

I'm smart,
I'm good looking, I'm rich.

It's basically my duty.

Huh.

Wait, couldn't you
picture our kids?

Not really.

Hold on, hold on.

Close your eyes,
close your eyes.

Picture this.

Almonds, caramel, mochaccino,

Mercedes, six figures first
year out of the Ivy League.

What?

These are our kids' hashtags.

They sound awful.

No, they sound awesome.

Just like this guy but brown.

I hate kids.

Well, it doesn't
matter anyway.

You know all this turf's
carcinogenic, right?

What?

You probably
have uterine cancer.

Why would you say that?

I don't know, sometimes
I just nag people.

It's like I don't try

but it's just what I do.

Sowee.

God, I wish
he wasn't so cute.

Aren't I cute?

Yeah.

Maybe you should
start putting me

in your Instagram photos.

Instead of that cuck Eugene.

He's not a cuck, we're
in an open relationship.

Well, have you seen what
that girl posted of him

on her blog?

What?

Oh, baby.

Look at this shit.

Don't you think
this is fucking funny?

I think it's really sad.

Even when she
calls him a libtard?

Look at that.

This is your boyfriend.

Do you think I'm basic?

What's basic again,
like a loser?

Kind of, like boring,
like a basic bitch.

You're definitely not
boring, you're fucking hot.

Not as hot as Melania.

What?

Trump.

Are you serious?

What, yeah, I love Trump.

He hates brown people.

Not my type of brown.

Thinks like a white guy, all
the perks of being a POC.

It's fucking awesome.

There's something
really wrong with you.

I love your
little chocolate chip.

Wait.

What?

Let's get into it.

Stop right there!

Passes only behind this point.

But mister.

I'll do anything to see
the bands at Coachella.

What are some of
your favorite bands?

Bon Iver and Major Lazer.

I know the guys in those bands

and they want me to test your
pussy first.

I don't understand.

If you want all
access to there,

I need all access to there.

It's not really
working for me.

You're kind of bad at this.

Can we just do my idea?

Get out of my way bitch,

I'm about to go
in there and fuck up

those jocks and cheerleaders.

But why?

Because, they've
been fucking with me

my whole life.

I got this gun on Ebay

and I'm about to fucking blow
them away.

You don't have to do this.

Why do you say that?

I've always really liked you.

Oh really?

I've seen you walking these
halls.

You've never seen me,
you've never batted an eye.

I've seen you this whole time.

Please let me
show you how to love.

How can I learn how to love

if all I know is hate?

Oh fuck.

What, what, what?

We can't fuck in the
bed.

Why not?

I don't wash the sheets

and Eugene was probably
eating pizza in there.

Okay.

Ow, ow, ow ow!

What, what?

I have an air mattress.

So how long does this take?

Kind of a while.

All right.

Wait, wait.

Check this out.

Did you come in me?

Uh, yeah.

What?

What?

Why would you do that?

Don't touch me.

I'm sorry, it felt amazing.

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

Sorry.

That is so fucked up!

Okay, calm down.

Whatever happens, I'm totally
gonna be here with you

the whole way.

What do you mean?

What are you talking about?

I'll help
you raise them!

Ew!

Isabelle Gupta.

Stop, ew!

Sarah Gupta.

Stop, ew, ew.

Meredith Gupta.

Ew, I have an IUD,
you piece of shit.

So what's the fucking problem?

You've no respect for women,

you've fucked up my Ph balance,

you get the fuck
out of my house!

What are you talking about?

Get the fuck out of my house!

Okay, fine.

There's nowhere to turn.

Ravi's a dead end.

I guess I'll move out,
be homeless.

Maybe Eugene'll move out.

Yeah right.

Why can't he just die already?

Who cares about this
fucking house anyway?

I mean I do.

I made it cool.

Eugene didn't
even lift a finger.

Whatever.

I'll be walking the
streets soon enough.

Can't even afford
a fucking tent.

Where did those
guys get the money

to buy those tents anyway?

Probably their parents.

I wish they didn't fuck
Bernie over the primaries.

We could have been one step
closer to a just society

with equitable housing.

Then we wouldn't
have to live with our

lame ass boyfriend that we hate.

At least he never came
in me without my consent.

Can't even remember the
last time we had sex.

Trump, Trump, Trump,
Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump.

Trump?

I found these
slippers and tried them on.

I know you're right, it's
better for the astroturf

but not for me.

Yours have been looking
pretty ragged lately.

Why don't you wear these
instead?

Donald Trump.

What a fucking retard.

Although, am I really with her?

I'll be pretty basic.

She does really hate Russia.

Could be interesting to
be oppressed for once.

Definitely make my
work more relevant.

I guess it doesn't really
matter who I vote for.

Hmmm, prop 60,
condoms for porn stars.

Again?

Hey you look like an
Obama man, huh?

No, don't worry,
I'm going Obama too.

You know, he did like 300
drone strikes in four years

but he's my guy.

I love Obama.

You know, I'm not so sure

about the birth
certificate but whatever.

I want change
and I'm with Barack.

Just stop, dude,
just stop, just stop.

Barack Hussein,
Hussein, Hussein?

Isn't that the name of...

Dude, stop.

I don't care, I like
him, I'm voting for him.

Worse than potty cock.

You're my brother,
you're my brother.

You my brother.

You do you
and I'll do me, okay?

All right, yeah.

Terrorist.

Looks like you voted too.

Ah, yeah.

Nice.

First time?

Mhmm, yeah.

It doesn't really matter.

Obama's gonna win anyway.

What's your name?

Jane.

Jane?

It does matter.

Every vote counts,
Jane, all right.

And I'm really glad that I voted

against condoms
for porn stars, so.

Did you vote for that?

Duh.

Condoms suck.

Right, condoms suck,
condoms suck.

Hi, I'm Eugene.

Wow.

Happy Halloween, pretty lady.

Stay safe out there.

God, I fucking hate
Halloween.

Are you ready to
order?

Um, yeah.

Mhmm,
how can I help you?

Can I have the
house special Chow Mein,

Uh huh,
and what else?

The barbecue pork wonton.

Sakam Bean Cake Soup.

Bean Cake
Soup, okay, right, okay.

And um, the fish filet foo
young.

Okay, fish filet egg foo
young.

Okay, I got it.

Okay.

Anything else?

And a Sing Tao please?

And Sing Tao beer?

Can I see your ID,
you look so young.

Oh.

Please, can you show?

Ah, okay.

Hey.

Howdy.

So you're going to the
party tonight on Beachwood?

Probably not.

Eugene texted me about it.

It's probably gonna be fun.

Well.

Are you guys not doing well?

What do you care?

I care.

Is that why you
let him fuck you?

Don't you think he
deserves to be happy?

No.

Okay, well.

Catch you later, cowgirl.

Check please.

Halloween, how obvious.

Crowded parties full of
desperate people

and polyester costumes.

Anxious to be at
the coolest function,

have the best time.

Guess that's all
anyone should want.

I bet life'll be pretty
easy if I just gave in.

Hey!

I'm with her!

Hey darling.

Hi.

How you doing?

I'm okay.

Did you drive here?

No, I walked.

Um, I'm gonna get a drink.

You want a drink?

No.

I'm gonna get a drink,
you should drink.

I'm okay.

Be basic.

Guess who?

What's up?

Hey.

Blade.

You know?

Who's that?

Wesley Snipes from Blade.

Hey, listen.

I'm really sorry about
coming in you earlier today.

Right.

Seriously, it's only
happened one other time,

my first girlfriend.

Now she's dead.

But it means I love you.

Will you get me a drink?

Yeah, sure,
what do you want, a beer?

A vodka martini,
a little bit dirty

with extra olives.

Sure, I'll go get that drink.

See you in a sec.

You know I
really appreciate you

letting me stay with you.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, and it's like so
nice to get next to you,

so close to you, you know?

But I actually think
I might wanna go.

I'm gonna go.

Okay.

So I'll catch you later?

Sure.

ASAP, I hope.

Have fun.

I already have.

Hey.

Hi.

How's it going?

I thought you don't like
Halloween.

I don't.

I was actually gonna go.

When did you get here?

Just now.

Oh.

Well I'm gonna go too actually.

I feel like going too.

You shouldn't,
you're having fun.

I am having fun, but,

I've been here so long,
I feel like I should go.

And I'll take you with me.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Come on, we should talk.

Okay.

Don't you think
we should talk?

We should talk.

All right, let's go.

How was your weekend?

Good.

How was yours?

Incredible.

You wanna talk about anything?

No.

All right.

Hi.

Oh my god, hi.

Oh my god,
this place looks incredible.

Welcome home.

You like it?

Yeah, I like our home.

Did you get the job?

What do you think?

My god, the curtains, astroturf.

Let's feel this,
let's feel this out.

Feels good, right?

I missed you.

I missed you too.

What is this?

What is this?

I got us slippers.

Right, why?

So we don't have to
wear outside shoes inside.

Oh, isn't that like the
whole point of astroturf?

It's like, feels
like it's outside.

No, you know how hard
this shit is to clean?

All right, well.

Maybe I'll just like wear my
socks around.

I really don't wanna
wear this kind

of cheesy things, all right?

Well, I'll save you a pair

for when you change your mind.

You will?

Mhmm.

This isn't working.

Yeah, I know.

This fucking sucks.

I've never been more lonely.

What do you wanna do?

You wanna break up?

Don't you?

Yeah I do.

I do wanna break up.

Like a lot.

Fucking, a ton!

Like every waking moment
I think about that.

Like oh, maybe she'll die today.

Yeah.

I'm so happy.

We're breaking up.

I don't wanna date you anymore.

Right, I know.

I feel so good.

So when are you moving out?

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