Without a Paddle (2004) - full transcript

- Ghostbusters!
- Ghostbusters!

Yeah!

We did it, man!

- Be safe.
- You got it, man.

- Have a great trip.
- Yeah.

When I'm done with probation,
I'm gonna come find you.

I know you will.

All right, I'm out of here.

One last thing.

- Remember this?
- My Indy compass.

- In case you get lost.
- Where'd you get this?



- And you will get lost.
- Yeah, I will get lost.

But it's half the fun.

- Thanks, man.
- Be good.

- Take care of those two fools.
- Have fun.

I will.

Catch you around, boys!

Bye, Billy!

I wonder where he's gonna end up.

He's gonna do great things.

Don't worry. We're all
gonna do great things.

- Are you ready for Tom?
- I'm ready for Tom!

- Let's ride!
- Come on, baby!

Yeah!

Angie! What was that?



Shit. I think it's Tony.

- Tony?
- Get your clothes on!

- What happened to "Tony's in China"?
- This is bad. Get your clothes on...

Hey, Tony.

You're home early, baby.

- Tony?
- What the hell's going on here?

Tony, there's enough
of me to go around.

I'm thinking about a Tom sandwich.
Light on the Tom.

Jerry here has the reworked formula,
so I'll pass the ball on to him.

You're on.

- Now?
- Now.

Right.

Baby! You're home.

Hey.

How was the surf?

Someone's happy to see me.

Well, why wouldn't I be?
Especially tonight.

Wow.

You outdid yourself.

Just seemed like the right
night to outdo oneself, so...

A Thursday?

Honey, don't you think every
night should be special?

Yeah. Yes, every night should
be special, this is true.

But, really,

specifically, there's always one
night a year that just seems right

for a celebration of
a specific event.

- Do you know what I'm saying?
- Absolutely.

I love dip.

It's our anniversary!

Our first date! How many
hints do I need to give you?

I must be crazy.

A trip? Great call.
Where we going?

I won't do it. I won't play the
role of nagging girlfriend anymore.

Would nagging wife
make you happier?

Please tell me that was
not you proposing to me.

Jerry and Denise cannot get
to the phone right now,

because we're doing it!

Jerry, it's Mom. If you're
there, will you please pick up?

Hey, Mom. I can't
really talk right now.

What?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir? Sir? Excuse me.
You're in my spot.

I don't see your name on it.

Well, actually, yes, my name is on it.
See? Right there, Dr. Mott.

That's me. That's my space.

You got me.

But look at this, pal!

Now, your name's not on it!

Hey! What're you doing? Hey! Hey!

Hey, you get back. You get back.
I'm not afraid to use this!

Hey, don't!

- Have a good day, Doc.
- You, too.

I'm Dr. Mott!

Good morning, Sandi. TGIF.

What's that, Dr. Mott?

Thank goodness it's Friday.
Happy Friday.

It's the weekend. Hurray.

Right.

"TGIF."

That was great. So smart.

Why don't you just ask
her out, you dumb-ass?

It's Jerry Conlaine.

- He says it's very important.
- Okay.

- Hey, Jerry, how you doing? Long time.
- Hey, Dan.

Listen. There was an accident.

Billy's dead.

- You're kidding.
- Yeah, he...

He was para-surfing
down in Costa Rica.

So the funeral's this weekend.
It's... It's in Oregon.

- Yeah...
- I'm flying out in a couple of hours.

- Can you make it?
- Yeah, I'll be there.

Dano! Hey.

- Hey, Jerry.
- How's it going?

Man.

Oh, my God, is that Everest?

Yeah. You know Billy. He
wasn't afraid of anything.

He did it all.

Did you know he ran
with the bulls?

He sent me a postcard from Spain.

- Man, he did great things.
- He did.

I still want you.

Why did you leave me?

Billy.

Billy's dead and he's still got a better
chance of getting laid than I do.

"Leadeth me in paths of
righteousness for his name's sake."

"I walk through the
valley of the shadow..."

What is that?

Tom's here.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death, I will fear..."

Is this Billy's funeral?

Is that the corpse
of Billy Newwood?

Jer, is that you?

You're with Dan?

- Where did you guys park?
- Tom!

Okay. Sorry.

There was a hell of a
fender-bender coming in, and...

- Please continue.
- I-5 was a parking lot.

- I'm so sorry.
- Anyway, I made it.

"Then the earth shook
and trembled."

Sorry, Padre.

"The foundations moved
and were shaken..."

My bad. Missed an exit.

"...because he was wroth."

"He bowed the heavens also, and
came down: And darkness was..."

Did you notice how many hot
chicks were at that funeral?

No kidding! It was like a discotheque
with a coffin in the middle.

- Look at that.
- Holy...

Fort Cooper. Can you believe it?

God, I remember it being taller.

Wow.

There it is.

Race you to the top!

- Dano, come on up, buddy!
- Come on, Dan.

You guys are hammered! I'm not
climbing up a 20-year-old rope.

- That's crazy.
- Tommy, catch.

This whole thing seems a little
insane for us to be doing,

climbing with the
possibility of...

- You all right, Dano?
- Come on, Dano, grab it.

- Give me the rope.
- Come on, Dan!

Use your tippy-toes. There you go.

Cobweb. Look out.

- Oh, my God.
- How small is that door?

Kind of seems about
the same, actually.

I hope I don't fall through
the floor of this thing.

Hey! What's up, B.A. Baracus?

Mr. T. How awesome is that?

You guys. Oh, my gosh.

- Look at this.
- Hey, that's our old flag.

- D.B. Cooper's treasure chest.
- Man, look at that thing.

- You remember this?
- Of course, yeah.

Cooper parachuted out of a plane up
north with a bunch of stolen cash.

Gosh, we were obsessed with that.

- Nationwide police hunt and...
- Right.

- He was never found.
- Yeah, we were gonna sneak away,

go up the river, all Huck
Finn, Apocalypse Now style.

Get the loot.

I bet you we spent half our
childhood planning that trip.

It's all Billy ever talked about.

- Let's open it up.
- We have to break the lock.

- I'll break it.
- 38-24-36.

- How do you know that?
- How do you possibly remember that?

Miss 1981, Julie McDonald.
38-24-36. Unforgettable.

Had a passion for cycling.
Disliked liars.

You're right.

- What the...
- Do you believe it?

Man! Look at that.

The oath.

"We swear that these things
will remain in this box"

"until we find D.B.
Cooper's treasure."

Signed, a bunch of kids.

Remember we pricked our
fingers, took a blood oath?

Dan, what's that next to your signature?
That's not blood.

It was earwax. I was
afraid of needles.

Should we check out the priceless
treasures of our youth?

- C-3PO.
- C-3PO.

I wonder who put that in.

Let me see that. That's
a collectible now.

- Yeah, right.
- My Brian Bosworth rookie card.

- The Boz.
- Man, I thought he was gonna be

the greatest ever.

"I've been in that box
a very long time."

Well, you're free now.

And, Tom, I believe this
is your contribution.

Oh, my God.

That's my first rubber. Boy.

I found this in my dad's pickup
right before he went to jail.

I remember he caught me with it.

Boy, he smacked me
right in the head.

What a charming
father-and-son tale.

He was funny.

- Hey, what did Billy put in there?
- Yeah, what does he got?

His Indy compass.

I gave this to him before he took
off on his trip. He must've...

I don't know, he
must've put it back.

Look at this. It's one of our mix tapes.
Remember we did the DJ intros?

Yeah, let's not Wang Chung tonight.
Burn that.

Wow. You guys, check out this map.

- Looks like Billy left us a treasure map.
- Look at that.

- Not only that...
- This map looks new.

He plotted out the whole trip.

Billy thought D.B. landed right here.
There's no way he did this as a kid.

He must've been adding to
the box over the years.

This is the camping trip he
wanted us to take last summer.

I... I couldn't go. I
was detained in Mexico.

And he wouldn't do it unless
we were all together.

I swear to God, I think he figured it
out. I mean, look at all this research.

He reconstructed the jump. He
pinpointed D.B.'s landing.

That's crazy.

My God.

I'm sorry, you guys,
we made an oath.

It all goes back in the box.

It all goes back in the box
until we find the treasure.

So let's go find it. Let's...
Let's take Billy's trip.

- Come on, guys, what do you say?
- I say, "Hell, yes."

- Hell, yes! Right?
- We'll get a canoe.

- Right?
- No.

No. No, I'm...

- No.
- We're all going.

- Listen, I wanna get a lot of rope.
- A rope's good.

All right, I know you guys
won't grasp this concept,

but I have patients and...

Yeah, yeah. I have a Rambo knife.

I am a doctor now.

I am Dr. Mott now!

I have responsibilities.

Your responsibility is to come
treasure hunting with us.

We're 30.

I mean, this might be the last
chance we have to do something

incredibly stupid together.

I agree.

For Billy, Dano.

- Not fair.
- I think it's fair.

All right.

Time to re-up on our oath, boys.
Fingers up.

- Hey, put that away. Tom...
- I love the way you work.

- You know who I'm talking to.
- There's no way I'm going. No chance!

No! You guys, no! Hey.
Let go of me!

Hey! No, no.

No!

I hate you guys.

We hate you, too, Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Hey! Hey! I agreed to come.
You said I could drive.

We drive by my rules.
No kissing me.

I cannot believe that Billy kept the
Duke in running shape all these years.

318 V8, man. They're bullet proof.

How about a little
Fort Cooper classic?

This is Rocking Billy Newwood.
I'm here with fellow DJ's.

- Jazzy Jerry.
- Yeah!

Gonzo Tommy.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- And Disco Dan.
- Burn, baby, burn!

And we have a special dedication
by Dan's mom, entitled,

"I've had sex with Tom."

I totally did, though.

And usually, it's
too late when you

Do you know the words?

Realize what you have

And my mind goes back
To a girl I left

Some years ago

Who told me

Just hold on loosely

But don't let go

The boys together, the open road.
Good tunes, good times.

Good God! Let's pull
off memory highway.

...always on Till
the break of dawn

C-O-M-P-T-O-N And the
city they call Long Beach

Putting that shit together

And if it's good enough To
take 'em off a proper chunk

I'll take a small piece of
some of that funky stuff

- It's like this and like that...
- ...like that...

- How do you know all these words?
- He's a doctor.

Doctors study other doctors' work.

- You're a secret Dr. Dre fan.
- God.

- It's like this and like that
- Like this

- and like that...
- ...and like that...

- Well, this is a metropolis. Look at this.
- This place is very remote.

I wish I would've brought my dancing
shoes so we could go clubbing.

Maybe we should find out where
the nearest hospital is.

Let's stay at The Ritz.
This is great.

- How are you?
- Hi.

Where are we?

Corner of Bumfuck and
You Got a Purty Mouth.

Hey, I'm gonna make a call.

Wait, Jerry, you should
use my new cell phone.

It's a satellite phone,
so it works everywhere.

And it's got a camera and it's
got an address book and, listen,

- it's even got a personalized ring.
- Nice.

You shouldn't be
proud of that, Dan.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Well,

I'm gonna go check out
the canoe situation.

- You want anything?
- Good luck. No, I'm good.

Hello?

Denise. What are you doing home?
Hey.

Hi. Is everything all right?

You know.

- It's as good as it can be.
- Where are you?

On the road.

Good. You're on your way home.
What time do you get in?

I can't wait to see you.

What you looking at, boy?

Here's the thing, the guys and I...
We're going on a treasure hunt.

And I know that sounds dumb, but
it's something that we have to do

for Billy.

That doesn't sound dumb at all.
I completely understand.

- You do?
- Just call me when you get a chance.

But I might be out of the house
for a bit. Yeah, because

my girlfriends and I, we're gonna go on
a search for the lost city of Atlantis.

Maybe my treasure will
help buy your submarine.

- Maybe. Maybe it will.
- Take a picture.

- Hold on.
- I'm on the little guy's back.

- Shut up.
- Go, take a picture.

That's good. That's good.

Hello?

That did not sound
like it went well.

Hiya, boys. Nice day.
Just passing through?

No. We're actually from UPS.

Looks like someone
ordered a set of teeth.

- I beg your pardon?
- Taser guns. Dropping them off.

- Anyways...
- So, help me out here, boys.

Where was it you
said you was headed?

We're just taking a trip. Our old
friend, Billy, he made this map...

Quiet time. Quiet.

We're just taking a day trip
up Spirit River, Your Honour.

Pretty thick country up there.

You make a couple mistakes
up there, you gone.

You know what, I think we'll be okay.
I was a Boy Scout.

Tom, you were a Boy
Scout, weren't you?

No. But I ate a Brownie once.

You don't wanna play on
the big river, boys.

- Oh, no, we're not playing, we're...
- I got this. You listen to me.

I know a thing or two
about rapid-riding

'cause I was a white-water guide
in Northern California, NoCal.

Here's the thing. I know how to read a
river better than you can read a book.

- Just a little better.
- All right.

- All right. So we're gonna get going?
- That's right.

- Yeah? Thank you, Sheriff.
- See you, Ray-Bans.

You think we got
enough booze, Tom?

Maybe you wanna hire a bartender
to come on the trip with us.

What's a camping
trip without beer?

Well, it's still a camping trip,
actually, just with less vomiting.

I hear you're a river guide.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Class IV, V?

- Which is it?
- Why don't you try putting

those numbers together?
That's right.

I've shot a class 45, and
I've never lost a man.

Lie to me. I don't care.

I'm not the one that's
going to drown.

All right, fellas. Here we go.
Attention.

We christen you Duke II.

Thanks for breaking glass
where my kids play.

Thanks, buddy.

There's a transmitter
in the canoe.

That way, if you guys disappear,
at least we'll get our boat back.

It's child's play, guy. We got it.

- It's beautiful!
- This is the best.

- I like it out here.
- This is Spirit River!

Get you out of the
doctor's office, Dano.

- It's good to be outside.
- Yeah.

Get you away from
that computer, Jer!

- What kind of fish are those?
- That's brown trout.

- That's big fish.
- Brown trout?

- Hey, look, a deer! Wow!
- That's cool.

Right out there in the open.

Hey...

Cheers.

The great outdoors!

- Tom! You guys are spraying me!
- Give me a break,

- I'm writing your name!
- Stop that!

- Hey, don't, don't, don't!
- What, are you gonna melt?

No, but this water is
teeming with microbes.

Stop.

They don't let losers
in a splash fight!

So this is Spirit River. We
take that to Widowmaker Bend.

And then we hike the
Devil's Staircase,

and that should lead us to
the top of Hellfire Ridge.

What's with all these satanic names?
Isn't there, like, a Fluffy Bunny Way?

No, but there's a Shut
Up You Big Baby Ridge.

Okay, just keep your eyes open

- for our first day's marker.
- What's that?

It's a rock formation
called Grandpa's Nose.

Grandpa's Nose.

Looking for Grandpa's Nose.

I think I see it!
It's right there.

Good work, Dan.

Prepare to port. I'm
gonna drink some beer!

I predict you'll be puking in that river
before the end of the night, Tom.

Dry timber.

Hi there, coalminer's daughter.
You want a hand?

Or you can always try these fancy
new things called matches.

I saw how to do this on the
Discovery Channel, okay?

And I'm gonna do it.
I got it covered.

Oxygen in there... Get
that right combination...

Stop, drop and roll!

Why would you do that?

I'm with my face right next to the...
And you blow...

- Why would you do that?
- It's warm.

It's a nice fire.

Hey. We did it.

I told you.

Do you really want to hurt me?

Do you really wanna
hear this crap?

Please. You liked this song
just as much as I did.

When we were kids, it didn't
matter what the song was.

We weren't wrapped up in
what was cool and uncool.

We just listened to the music.

It should be like that now.
Just listen to the song, man.

Wow! This song is so uncool.

- Well, I like it. It soothes me.
- Dan, what is wrong with you?

I'm blessed with good taste.

One day, you'll see I've
always been correct.

Don't get cocky, 30-year-old Dr. Mott
with 46 years of school under his belt.

Excuse me for getting an M.D. and
starting a successful practice.

Well, excuse me. I found a
way to make 12 grand a month

without having an M.D.

Really? How do you do that?

Yeah, what, are you running immigrants
over the border again, coyote?

Those guys fell
asleep in my truck.

I thought I'd just gotten shitfaced
and bought a bunch of sombreros.

I didn't know there
were dudes underneath.

For real, though?

Selling Harleys. It's the
greatest gig on the planet.

Congrats. I'm happy for you.

Seriously, though,
you guys both sound

- like you're doing great.
- Aren't you?

I just don't know if I'm cut out for
the whole family-wife-kids thing.

I would kill to have a woman at home
willing to have sex with me every night.

And at work, I just sit
in my office and I think,

"There's gotta be something better
out there." You know what I mean?

- I thought you liked your job.
- I like to surf.

Sitting out in the water.
Waiting for that perfect wave.

And I also like being out here.
I like this, right now.

The first time in months, no
worries, no responsibilities.

Just living in the moment.

Just like Billy did.

Hey. Here's to Billy.

- To our dead friend.
- Get them up.

Tom.

Hey, Dano, what ever happened

between you and
Cockeyed Katie, anyway?

You know, I don't appreciate
the name-calling.

Katie was very attractive.

It was a mutual separation.

Yeah, between her eyes.

That girl had not one,
but two wandering eyes.

It was like her eyes were
trying to escape from her head.

You know, Tom, I'm sorry she wasn't
up to your high standard of women.

No tattoos below the waist,
never worked as a carny.

Name one girlfriend of mine
who worked as a carny.

Jo Jo, the one who had
her downstairs pierced.

Jo Jo. That's one.

How do you know what she
did with her downstairs?

She had that website,

All right, Dano, let's see
what you packed us for dinner.

- What is this, astronaut food?
- No. It's a vitamin gel pack.

It tastes like watermelon.
It's very filling

and it preserves well for camping.

- It's leaking.
- I'm not an astronaut. I'm an American.

And there's fresh salmon in
that river for the taking.

- What?
- I'm eating salmon tonight.

That's a great idea, except we
didn't bring any fishing gear.

Don't need any.

- We'll shine them.
- That would kill a fish.

Shine the fish, old
Cherokee trick.

Yeah, I forgot the Cherokee
had been using the flashlight

for thousands of years.

No, didn't they pioneer
the D battery?

All right, suckers.

Let's see who's eating salmon
tonight and who's eating crow.

Why, do you have a
crow-catching trick, too?

Yuk it up, astronauts.
They love figure eights.

Hey, 100 grand and
my left nut says

the only thing you catch
out there is a cold.

Got it! Grab it!

What are you doing?

- Fantastic.
- Can you do that again?

You owe me 100 grand
and the left nut.

Are you gonna catch it
when I throw it up?

- Yeah, yeah!
- Yeah, yeah, come on!

I'm gonna have to use a distinct pattern
now. They got used to the figure eight.

It's gonna be tough,
but I'll focus.

What the hell are you doing?

I toss it, you grab it.
That's your part of the deal.

What?

- What are you doing?
- I'm taking off my shoes.

- Why?
- Because I run faster with no shoes.

- You can't outrun that bear.
- I don't have to outrun the bear.

I just have to outrun you.

Stay calm.

It's important that you don't
let them smell your fear.

- Just follow my lead.
- What are you gonna do?

It's a bear! We're all gonna die!

Run!

It's too fast!

Go!

Faster!

Keep going!

Get out!

- Go away! Go!
- Get out!

- Stay calm. Get in the foetal position.
- God.

It won't bother you if you're
in the foetal position.

Jer!

- Nothing's gonna happen now.
- Is he gone? Is he gone?

Abort the foetal position!
It's not working!

- It's not working!
- Run!

No...

The bear thinks Dan's her cub.

What do we do now?

Stay... Stay down. Don't...
Don't make eye contact.

- Help me!
- Let's go.

This is bad. This is really bad.
Do something.

- Go first.
- No, you go first.

What...

Hey. Where's the bear?

He's trying to fatten Dan up so
they can hibernate together.

Chew it up and eat it.

Eat it.

- Stop pretending.
- Dan, you have to eat it.

You have to actually eat it.

- Okay.
- Bite.

Eat it.

It's delicious. Very
good, thank you.

Is there another one?

That was good. That was real good.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

- Move, move, move!
- Up the tree.

Go!

- Your mom misses you.
- She's in my stuff.

Hey, that's my phone.
She ate my phone.

How long do you think
she'll keep looking for me?

Hour, hour and a half, tops.

Bears have very short attention spans.
I know a guy who trains them.

Okay.

What was that?

I don't know, but it scared away
our friend. Let's get out of here.

What do you think could happen if this
thing went off right in the boat?

- You think we'd die?
- I think you throw it right now.

What if I toss it to you
and then you throw it?

Elwood, throw it!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Cue the insane hillbillies.
- What are these freaks doing?

They're fishing.

Why aren't they using
their flashlights, Tom?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

This is exactly
what you hear about

when people go into the deep woods
in the middle of summertime.

Aside from getting all sorts
of diseases and things,

they just wind up being the victims
of some kind of unexpected man-rape.

How you like me now, boy?

- I don't like this...
- Quiet. Go, go.

She ate everything. Including
my very expensive cell phone.

All right, let's load up.
There's treasure in them hills.

Wait a minute, you're not actually
considering continuing, are you?

- Why not?
- Well, because I just...

I got carried away by a bear. And then
we spent the night sleeping in a tree.

Well, we got that out of the way.
Now we can get back on the river.

There comes a time
in every cub's life

when he needs to strike out
and make it on his own.

Fine.

Fine. But I say we avoid them and we
launch around the bend there, okay?

All right, all right. Heave-ho.

They call this portage.
Or "portage."

- What's the map say, Jerry?
- You know, it's a map.

It's gonna be...
It's gonna be good.

Jer, isn't the river
supposed to fork?

No. It just goes straight the whole way.
Straight shot.

Are you sure?

We are back in business, boys.

All right. Let's rudder back.
Bring the tail out.

- It's getting kind of rough, Tom.
- Not bad, I've been in much worse.

Really?

Not a good time to
read a map, Jer.

Guys, I wanna pull over. I
need to take some Dramamine...

I got the stern. Work the
bow, work the bow, Jer.

Guys, let's pull over.

This is exactly what you'd expect.
We're doing great.

Tom, guide us to the bank.

- Watch the current.
- Trees! Trees left!

No problem. That's
typical river behaviour.

- Rocks! Rocks! Keep rowing!
- Tom, you're not guiding us right!

I'm not having the
fun you promised me!

Just keep rowing!

- Follow my lead!
- Terrible!

Same stroke, same stroke!

- Tom?
- Yes?

- It's getting big.
- No problem.

Like, real big.

- I'm in over my head!
- What?

- Don't tell me that!
- I'm in over my head!

Please don't tell me that!

Forward! No, backstroke!
Backstroke!

Come on!

Dano!

Tom!

Help!

Jerry! Help!

- Dan! I'm coming!
- Do you see me?

- Dan!
- Jerry!

- Dano!
- Throw it! Jer!

Catch the rope!

I got you! Dano!

- Dan, come on, baby, I got you.
- Hypothermia!

- I'm gonna get hypothermia!
- Come on!

You all right? Hold on.

- Tom! Tommy!
- Tom!

In here, boys!

We made it!

That's how you go down the rapids!

- All right, get in.
- Get up.

- I about shit. Did you about shit?
- I about shit.

- I did shit.
- Oh, shit.

- Oh, shit? What "oh, shit"?
- What? What, what?

- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!

I don't believe this.

Tom,

- where were you a river guide?
- San Dimas.

- Raging Waters?
- Yeah.

They had some serious
rapids there, man.

- What, class toddler?
- Hey, I was employee of the month

at the Monsoon Lagoon.

- I knew you were lying.
- Great.

- You did?
- I knew it.

Well, you're the reason that
we had to launch the boat

in the wrong part of the river.

Hey, I am not the
navigator-map guy.

Okay, Jerry, didn't you see on
the map that the river split?

I would've, if your friend, the
big-ass bear, didn't eat the map.

Hold on a sec. Tom?

Were you really
employee of the month?

No. I lied about that, too.

I must have been crazy. I...

All right. This trip is officially over.
This is finished! Let's...

- Let's just go home.
- I agree. That's a great decision.

All we gotta do is jump up
over that 100-foot waterfall,

swim upstream 20 miles, get
the sheriff on the phone,

he liked us, I remember, and he'll
send out a rescue boat. And...

Hey, there's a beer in the river.
Cool.

Look at this, it's cold.

We are in serious
trouble, my friends.

All data points to us being...
How do you humans say it?

Completely screwed?

Yeah. You know, that is...
That's a good way to say it.

I mean, it pretty much sums it up.

I suspect Tom is drunk.

I didn't wanna say
anything because

- he's such a live wire...
- You guys, we're fine.

We got the compass. I've
got Billy's compass!

- Look, that's east, west, north.
- East...

- That's south.
- That's south! That's south!

That's great!

- What?
- Sorry.

It only works with the map.

So you're saying you lost the map?
You don't have it?

No. I'm saying I forgot
to hold on to it

while my ass was free-falling
over a 100-foot waterfall.

So you don't have it?

Hey, do you hear that?

- Hell, yeah.
- Hey, that sounds like Creed.

I never thought I'd be happy to hear
anything that sounds like Creed.

Lights.

Thank you, God. Civilization.

- Look at that.
- They have a fire.

- You think they're cooking food?
- I hope so. I am starving.

- Damn it, Elwood. This blade is dull.
- Ain't my fault.

- See how I popped off that fish head?
- What is it?

I told you not to
use my Buck knife.

How you like me now, fish?

You ain't so tough
without a head, huh?

What's that? You can't hear me?

That's right, 'cause
you don't have ears,

'cause you don't have a
head, 'cause I cut it off!

Okay, that's... I mean,
that's a little weird, right?

- We should get out of here.
- Listen, I say we just try talking...

Shut it.

What the hell was that?

- Is that a gun?
- That's a gun.

Must've been a possum.

Boll weevil.

- Guns and fish heads...
- It's okay, Dano, relax.

We'll just lay low. We'll get
out of here in a second.

- Hey.
- Yeah?

- These guys are pot farmers.
- What? How do you know that?

Oh, boy. We should go.

Lynyrd. Skynyrd. Come here.

Don't you go spoil them dogs.

Lots of vitamins in
these fish heads.

Look at that. Skynyrd likes fish
heads almost as much as you do.

Do you think they saw us?

No, I don't.

- What are you doing?
- What?

I'll write you a prescription.
Let's go.

- Come on.
- All right.

On my go. Ready?

Go, go, back here. Come on.

Hey, guys. Listen. We
don't want any trouble.

We just got lost on
the river, you know?

- Hey, can we use your phone?
- Of course.

And... Who cares, you know?

- Let's go through there.
- Where? There's no door.

- Lynyrd, Skynyrd! Get them!
- Come on, Dano.

- Good work, buddy.
- Thanks.

- Let's go.
- Come on, Dano.

Come on!

Go, go, go! This way!

What did you do?

Flares! Why are there flares?

Great mother of ganja.

Come on! I see them! I got them!

- Hey, boys, come back here.
- We ain't gonna hurt you, boys!

- We just wanna talk to you.
- There they are. Right there!

Damn it, you head to the
left, and I'll cut them off.

- Go, go, go!
- They're shooting!

I think I got them, Dennis!

They're shooting at us! Run!

Come on, Dennis, I'm
gonna get them!

Just keep going!

Damn it! I can't see nothing
through this smoke!

- We're dead. We're dead!
- We're dead!

- We're dead!
- They're gonna... They're gonna...

We're gonna die!

You set the security
flares too close, Elwood.

The whole damn field's on fire.

Where the hell are the damn dogs?

You guys gotta promise me that

you'll never tell my
patients that I got stoned,

because if they found out I got stoned,
they'll think that I'm a stoner.

The next thing you know, I
won't have a license anymore.

And they'll take away all my
instruments and my coat and my office,

and I won't have a
parking space anymore.

I just don't wanna lose all my stuff.
I lost my legs...

Great. We got us a
couple of weed freaks.

What the hell are they looking at?

Get up, you stoner dogs!

Get up. Get up.

You gotta move your legs.
Move your legs.

I think I see them.

They got laser scopes.
They had you pinned.

Dudes.

Dudes, dudes. Seriously.
Seriously.

I will give you four cows for
Denise's hand in marriage.

I'll give them something
to laugh about.

Matrix.

My back.

Cut them off at the river.

Jerry, Jerry.

Billy! Jesus, Billy!

- I miss you.
- You gonna find D.B.'s treasure?

I'm just trying to make
it out of here alive.

Don't give up. Keep looking. Hey,
is it cool to be a grown-up?

Not really, my man.

Stop! Stop! You're
gonna run into...

We can't outrun them.
We gotta hide.

- Quick, hide.
- How? How?

Let's get them!

Man, our whole crop is burning!
Those assholes are dead!

And the bodies that are
attached to them are dead, too!

Dead! D-E-A-D! Dead!

- Assholes! A-S-S-H-O...
- Stop spelling!

- Come on, you're dead!
- We're gonna get you!

- You can only run so far!
- And you can never hide!

- Bullfrogs.
- I hate bullfrogs. They're nasty.

Don't waste the ammo.

Come on, they must've headed
up towards the river.

- It crawled straight in my stomach.
- Let's go.

I think it laid its
eggs in my stomach.

You think they're
still following us?

I don't wanna stop and find out.
Just keep going.

It's not all burnt. I think
we're gonna be okay.

- You think?
- Yeah.

- You think?
- Yeah.

Damn it. It's all burnt. Now, I knew
it, Dennis. It's all burnt. Every bit.

- They burned it.
- Oh, yeah.

- Believe it.
- It's all burnt.

The whole damn field is burnt. But
we got a bigger problem, Elwood!

We got three bona fide
yuppies out there,

lost somewhere, and
we gotta track them.

We gotta catch them and
we gotta kill them.

I think we can slow down. I haven't
heard dogs or guns for hours.

Yeah? You slow down, get a
stick of dynamite up your ass.

Calm down, Daniel, we're
gonna be all right.

No, we're not, Jerry. We
could really die out here.

Man, I can't believe that I
would listen to you guys.

"Let's go take Billy's trip."

"Let's... Let's find
D.B.'s treasure."

"I'll get a canoe.
I'll get some rope."

- Is he all right?
- "It's gonna be great."

- "We'll find D.B.'s treasure!" Right!
- Is he having a panic attack?

- I don't know.
- That's great. Make jokes.

That's a really good idea.

Is this living in the moment
enough for you, Jerry?

Is this the carefree life with no
responsibility that you wanted?

Is this the... Is this the great wilderness
adventure that you were dreaming of?

How should I be, Dr. Dan? Tell me.

- Be afraid.
- I am afraid.

Well, then, act like it! It is very
confusing to people in your life

when you don't act the
way that you're feeling!

And no wonder Denise
is fed up with you.

- What did you say?
- Don't you step to me.

- Take it easy.
- Put your hands down.

You take it easy.

Mr. Joe Tattoo, Mr.
Motorcycle Man,

- Mr. Super-Cool, Mr. Bullet Wound...
- Oh, you're gonna start with me now?

- Oh, my... Tom, you got shot.
- Oh, cool.

- He got shot?
- Yeah. Come here.

- Are you all right?
- You could lose a roll of pennies

in that thing. Look
at how deep it is.

Yeah, it just grazed you, though.
You're really lucky.

Oh, wow, that's gonna
be a great scar.

I'm gonna stitch it up good.

Lose the cleaver.

Meat cleaver's my favourite.

It's scary, but ultimately ineffective.
Lose it.

Now, Dennis, you
don't understand...

Them three boys get back to town,

you're gonna spend the next 40 years
in the can getting manhandled.

Quit messing around.

Lose the cleaver.

I love the cleaver.

You'll be good as new. Sorry.

Hey, Dano.

I'm sorry I got you into this.

- I really am.
- Jerry, I wanted to come.

Well, we're getting out of it.
I promise. And when we do,

someone's buying the first round.
Not it.

- Not it.
- Tom, I think you're buying

with all that Harley money.
Oh, God, it's making me sick.

I'm sorry, I...

That whole thing was
an exaggeration.

- What, you don't make that much?
- No, I don't sell Harleys.

In fact, the only thing I've sold
lately is some clothes and CD's.

They weren't even mine.

Tom, that's not an
exaggeration, that's a lie.

- You know, you lie a lot.
- I know.

What happened?

Well, first it was blackjack.
Then the cards went south.

So then I started betting
football and baseball.

I lost everything.

What'd I expect? I
got no luck, Jerry.

I mean, it's like my old man
used to say, "Family curse."

"If we didn't have bad luck,
we wouldn't have luck at all."

You have got to stop
blaming your old man.

I'm not blaming anyone.

Yeah, you are. Listen to yourself.
"The family curse."

Yeah, it's real. I'm
a great gambler.

I will give you one thing,
your dad was a piece of work.

I mean, he had his
own things going on.

But if he did one thing right,

it was not raising a complete idiot.
You're not him, Tommy.

You're a lot smarter,
for one thing.

Right, Dano?

Well, I wouldn't
say a lot smarter.

Tom, you have a lot more going
for you than you think you do.

That's easy for you to say, Dano.
You're a freaking doctor.

I mean, you got a big old bank
account, a ginormous house,

- big, thick, red hair...
- You know what?

I wouldn't be so jealous
of me if I were you.

Every day I develop some
new and exciting phobia.

- You're exaggerating again.
- I'm afraid of the dark, Jerry.

So? There's a lot of people
that are afraid of the dark.

- I know a shitload.
- I'm afraid of small spaces.

Again, not that abnormal.

- Cellophane.
- Like Saran Wrap?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, you're alone on that one.

See, I won't even keep it in
the house anymore, because I'm

afraid that somehow it'll get,
like, draped over my head

and stick to my mouth and
nose and I'll suffocate.

- How pathetic is that?
- Very.

Relax, you're almost through.

There you go. Hey, would one of
you guys grab my phone? My...

That's a phone.

- It's that way.
- Phone!

How did your phone get
all the way up here?

- Who cares?
- That last thing I remember, it was...

- Go, go, go!
- That bear loves you, Dano!

Whiskey Dick, this is Lightning Company.
Come in, Whiskey Dick.

We are on the move and loaded for bear.
Come back, come back...

- Why'd you stop?
- Right there.

Footprints.

Oh, it's theirs.

It's weird.

Footprints with no people in them.

I mean,

it's like it's them,

but it's not them, you
know what I mean?

Rarely.

Get on your wheeler.

Hold on a second, guys. You
know what we should do?

We're gonna climb the tree.

All right, we'll climb the tree,

we'll get a good look at the
land, maybe we'll see a road

or a way out of here.

Yeah, I'll go. Give me a boost.

Oh, hey, Tom, wait.
You can use these.

Thanks.

Please, just be careful.

Are you maintaining a
safe distance back there?

Yeah, two-second rule, I know.

- Do you see anything?
- Hey, guys!

This is really cool!

What is he doing up there?

Tommy, you see a road?

Any signs of life?

Are you kidding me?

Tommy?

Tom, do you see anything or not?

I think I might still be stoned.

Hello? Excuse me, miss?

- Ladies?
- My name is Flower!

You may call me Butterfly.

And if you're from
the logging company,

you'll have to speak
to our lawyers.

If you look to your left, you
can totally see her downstairs.

What?

We're not from the
logging company.

- Peace.
- Peace.

- Hey, peace.
- Peace.

- What's your name?
- Jerry. Jerry Conlaine.

And what's your forest name?

Slug. His forest name is Slug.

- I got you.
- Thanks, Tom, thanks a lot.

I'm sorry, Slug. We
can't abandon our post.

You understand.

Well, could we come up there, then?
Please?

Come on up.

So then we run straight into
this freezing, like, water pond.

We had to hide underwater,
but we used these reeds.

Reeds? Like pussy willow reeds?
Really?

Just like that.

God, it must've been
so hard to breathe.

Yeah, yeah, it's
been quite a trip.

Do you guys have a cell
phone that we could use?

Sorry, Slug. Cell phones are
bad for the environment

and people who live
in the environment.

- Right.
- You poor boys.

You need to get out of
those damp, dirty clothes.

Here, let us wash them for you.

- No, no. I'm fine.
- Let us nurture you.

No, no, no!

Oh, boy!

Mighty Oak could go
for some nurturing.

- Stay right there.
- No. It's...

Just relax, Condor.

No, it's okay, honestly. I'm actually
not really into being touched.

I'm a doctor, you know, so
I usually do the touching.

Yeah. I've been told I give
a very good calf massage.

If you wanna roll down those
stockings, I could give you one.

- Stockings?
- Leg warmers?

I'm all-natural.

Supernatural.

- You guys live up here year-round?
- We've been here 287 beautiful days.

How do you guys get supplies?

When we need supplies, we radio
the Earth Child Support Network.

Radio?

You... You guys have a radio?

Yeah. We haven't used it since
that last big thunderstorm.

Remember that, Flower?

Oh, my God. That thunderstorm
was so spiritual.

Earth Child's limbs were just
waving, heaving back and forth,

like she was dancing in the rhythm
to the thunder. It was just like...

Full-on tantric orgasm.

- So where's this radio?
- Tree had an orgasm?

You don't say.

We danced naked in
the storm all night.

And then held each other,
soaking wet, until the morning.

The rain is like a drug. You
know, it just makes you wanna...

What? Makes you wanna what?

Can we please use the radio?

Sure thing, Slug.

Wow. Monkey feet.

Yeah. It's like a
second pair of hands.

Hello? Anyone out there?
My name's Jerry Conlaine,

and my two friends and I are
lost in the woods. Hello?

- You gotta say "Over."
- Over.

I read you, son. This
is Breaker Station 22.

- What is your position? Over.
- See? He said, "Over."

We are two miles east
of Harold's Bluff

in a giant redwood called
Earth Child. Over.

In a tree. We'll find you. We
will give assistance and whatnot.

Peace. Over.

You just sit tight. We're
coming to get you.

Over and out!

So we ran out of food in
Borneo, so we just ended up

eating our mosquito netting. Just
salted it up, and it was good.

It was really good.

Oh, you messy thing.
Let me get that.

Thank you.

Well, there's plenty
more grubs here, Condor.

Oh, no, I couldn't. That
bark shot right through me.

I need to visit the
little trees' room.

Where do you guys do the do?

Top side of the tree.

Got a real kick to it.

Wow!

Bag it when you're done. Put
it in the basket up top.

If you bring it in,
you take it out.

- Yeah.
- Right?

Okay, will do.

Do you have any paper?

Oh, great. You know,

I think I'm gonna wait until
we get to the ranger station.

Someone's here, someone's here.

- Afternoon, ladies.
- Nice-looking tree.

End of the line, boys.
Come on down.

- They're gonna kill Earth Child.
- No!

No, they're not gonna kill Earth Child.
They're after us.

We gotta get down and we gotta
make a run for it, all right?

Let's go!

- No!
- No!

Go to it, Elwood.

We're gonna die up here
in this stupid tree.

You know, Condor, even if your bodily
death is extraordinarily painful,

- your soul will live on.
- Everything happens for a reason.

Listen up, karma chameleons.
Nobody's dying.

Here's the plan.

Send those boys down,
pretty little birdies.

I'm gonna rappel down. And
then I'm gonna secure the rope

and then I'm gonna distract them. You
two slide down after me. All right?

- Okay.
- Stop it!

Cut it down, Elwood.

Good plan, Jerry.
One small change.

Time to find out whether I
have the family curse or not.

- For me, Jer? For me?
- Come on, boys!

Can't wait to see you again!

Yeah. Go, go, go.

Give them hell, Tommy.

This Hell-mart's open for business,
and I'm slashing prices.

- Stop!
- Come on, boys, don't be afraid.

We gotta cover him.

I have an idea.

You just send those boys down.

There won't be no more
trouble for you, Earth-mama.

- Heavier than it looks.
- Oh, good idea.

- Oh, yeah.
- You've got it.

- Ready?
- You got it.

- Oh, yes.
- I'm hit. I'm hit.

It's doody, Dennis.

One, two, three.

Oh, shit.

Dano, let's go.

Get away from my tree!

- This is wrong.
- Take that!

- Okay.
- I can't do this, Jerry.

Okay.

Jamming up my gun barrel.

- This is not me.
- You're a beautiful spirit.

Fly free and know that
love follows you.

Thank you, kind, crazy,
hairy lady of my dreams.

That was cute.

- Get off my tree!
- Shoot her.

Filthy hippie! Shoot her again.

That is it!

- I don't wanna do this, Jerry.
- Remember when we used to jump off

that rail road bridge into Cedar Lake?
That was higher than this.

No, no. I never
jumped off of there.

You guys always pushed me
when I wasn't looking.

Oh, yeah.

Go!

- Hold on, Dan.
- I made it.

What? Did I kill your grandma?

- I don't think so.
- Where are they getting all this poo?

He's getting away on my wheeler!

- Get him, Elwood.
- I'm gonna shoot him!

Come on, let's go. Get on, get on.
Move, baby, move. Come on, Jer.

Go. Go.

- Hold on.
- Come on, Dennis, we gotta move.

All right, I'm on. Go. Go.

Hold on, Dano.

Can't this thing go any faster?

Shoot the one driving!

What are you doing?

I'm pretending I'm on a speeder
bike so I can block out reality.

It's my process. Leave me alone.

Over there. It looks
like a clearing.

That way.

That way, that way, that way!

Damn it, Elwood.

I think I just swallowed
my underpants.

Shoot them.

- I can't believe they survived that fall.
- Dennis, they're getting away.

No, they're trapped like rats.

Only way they can go now
is up the mountain.

We know right where they're headed.
Let's go.

- Flat tire.
- Damn it, Tom.

Keep moving.

Getting close, Elwood.

This way.

All right, that is it. I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm out.

I have spent the last, like, two
hours within sniffing distance

of a sweaty ball sack and a sweaty
ball sack, and I am out. I'm out.

What does that mean?

I think it means he's out.
Like, coming out.

Like, he's finally
admitted he's gay.

You know, I'm just gonna
stay here until help comes.

I mean, this is serious.
I lost my inhaler.

I've known you almost,
what, 25 years now?

I've never seen you have even
a hint of asthma, anything.

That's because I have
the inhaler, Jerry.

No, I think Jerry's right, I think
this whole thing's just in your head.

You just need to take a couple of real
deep breaths and you'll get over it.

Okay, why didn't I think of that?

I'll just get over my chronic
respiratory illness.

I'll just breathe.

There you go. I'm over it.

See? That wasn't
that hard, was it?

You gotta relax, Dano. All right?

It's no time to give up hope.
Let's just keep going.

No, actually, Jerry, I'm convinced that
this is the perfect time to give up hope.

I don't know that there has ever
been a better time to give up hope.

I mean, look at this.

Things are as bad as
they could possibly get.

I stand corrected.

Elwood, what are you doing?

It's raining. It's raining.

Tom, man, get under here.
You're gonna die of pneumonia.

No, but we will die
of hypothermia.

Look, our only chance
is to huddle together.

We gotta huddle our bodies
together for warmth.

I, for one, choose death.

Interesting.

One minute you mock
my sweaty ball sack

and now you wanna cuddle with it.

You know, the whole
huddle-up thing,

it's the oldest trick in the book.
I've used it.

- It's just for getting a girl naked.
- Worked, though.

Every time.

This never leaves the cave.

I'm starting to feel warm.

See? I told you guys.

Let's just try and get some sleep.

Hey, Dano.

How hot were those
chicks in the tree?

They were hairy but hot.

The rain,

dancing to the rhythm
of the thunder,

full-on tantric orgasm, are you
kidding me? Hey, didn't...

Didn't she kiss you once?

It was nice.

Oh, my God.

They are probably dancing
naked right now.

Dancing.

Soaking wet.

Hey.

Hey! Oh, my God,
Dano, how could you?

It wasn't me, it was Jerry.
Jerry, why would you do that?

I'm sorry. My bad. I'm so sorry.

What happens in the cave,
stays in the cave.

Oh, my God. That was your...

Come back to bed, you guys.
I'm freezing.

Not till he puts Jabba
back in his hut.

Freeze, perverts.

Wait, wait, wait, just...
Please don't shoot us, okay?

This isn't what it looks like.

If you're gonna rape
somebody, rape Dano.

Did I ask you to talk?

- No.
- Come with me

or I'll shoot your testicles off

and stuff them and mount
them on my mantelpiece.

That's gonna be an
ugly mantelpiece.

- Go on.
- That's it, come on.

What is it?

Cinnamon.

What the hell are you doing, collecting
herbs for your goddamn herb garden?

Well, all the twigs are broken.
They've been through here.

That they have.

- Nice place.
- Get along.

- Build this yourself?
- Open the door.

- Okay, I'm going.
- That's it.

It's a lot warmer in here.

I think he's gonna try to cook us.

Where you going?

Oh, Susanna, don't you cry for me

If you're gonna kill us,
just do it already, okay?

I am sick of waiting to die.

Okay.

- Was that reckless?
- Yes.

If I was gonna kill you, I
would have done it outside.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- I agree.

- You're a very gracious man.
- That's a good one.

Yes, with a happy ending.

D.B.

- What'd you call me?
- D.B. The maps...

You are, aren't you? You're D.B.
Cooper.

No, I ain't D.B. Cooper.

That's ancient history.

I tell you what's not
ancient history, though.

It's three naked
deviants on my mountain.

We were searching for D.B.
And, yes, we're naked

and we're trespassing, but there's
a perfectly good explanation.

First thing, I want you
to put some clothes on.

And then I'd like
to hear this story.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

More of your own
homemade fashions?

I wouldn't mind wearing one
of these deer pelts up there.

I'd get dressed
faster if I was you

because I've been alone in
this cabin for 30 years.

- Oh, God.
- Okay.

They would've come in
here to escape the rain.

They laid down right here, Dennis.

Right here.

Lay down beside me.

In order to stalk your prey,

you gotta go where they
go and do what they do.

Then a scuffle broke out,

and there were some
harsh words exchanged,

and they beat that little
one until he was limp.

Elwood,

I don't need to
know what happened.

I just need to know
which way they went.

Up-mountain. All right, let's
get back to the wheeler.

I know a shortcut around
Devil's Staircase.

We can still beat
them to the summit.

And then you, you scared us with
your testicle-mounting speech.

That just came right off
the top of my head.

- It was very scary.
- It was creepy, too.

May I ask you one question? Could
you really see their downstairs?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You could
see everything. It was...

It was quite a view.

So, Del,

- were you D.B.'s partner?
- And his best friend, too.

We've known each other ever since
we were able to pee straight.

So...

- Is he still alive?
- Hell, I don't know.

D.B. had this plan, see.

When he jumped out of the
airplane, he was gonna land

three degrees northwest
of Red Devil Ridge.

And he had a flashlight.
He was gonna signal me,

I'd find him and then we were
gonna work our way down to Rio.

I love Rio.

What... What happened?

It snowed.

A blizzard. You
couldn't see anything.

You couldn't see your hand
in front of your face.

Hell, I don't know
where he landed.

I looked for him for months and months.
So did the FBI,

so did the cops.
No D.B., no money.

But you could've left.

Why'd you stay up
here all these years?

Seemed like a good
idea at the time.

- You know what I mean, kid?
- Yeah, I do.

Have you ever spent
30 years in a cabin?

- No.
- Then you don't know what I mean.

I mean, metaphorically,
I know what you mean.

Well, metaphorically, have you
ever spent 30 years in a cabin?

- No.
- Well, then, think before you talk.

Point is, I've spent the best years
of my life sitting on the porch,

playing the harmonica, waiting
for something better,

and the years have been
going by faster and faster.

And then all of a sudden,

I was an old man.

Well, I bet you can play the
shit out of that harmonica.

That I can.

Except there's no one
around to hear me play it.

Piece of advice, you
can lose your money,

you can spend it, all of it,

and if you work hard,
you get it all back.

But if you waste your time,

you're never gonna get it back.

Whatever it is you
fellas are looking for,

you gotta go out and get it.

And you gotta go right now.

Not right now, you idiots.

Well, you boys get some sleep.

In the morning, I'm gonna point
you in the right direction,

get you right off this mountain.

Morning.

- Bacon.
- Squirrel.

Squirrel.

Nice T-shirt, J.J.

That's my J.J. Walker T-shirt.

"Dy-no-mite."

Dy-no-mite.

Dy-no-mite.

Dy-no-mite!

No, that's too big.

- Bathroom?
- Outside.

Thought so.

Dy-no-mite.

Dy-no-mite.

Creeping me out.

Look at this.

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Hey. Does a bear
shit in the woods?

My cell phone. Where
did you find that?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

- Usually.
- Unbelievable.

I gotta make a quick
call, all right?

- Who you gonna call?
- Ghostbusters?

Denise.

Hi. Jerry and Denise are
no longer doing it.

If you need Denise,
call her on her cell.

It's killing time!

Come on, Jerry, get down.

Hey, come on, now. Give me a hand.

Every time I get comfortable.

Listen up. Go due north till you
get to the top of the ridge,

then you go directly west.

- Okay.
- Just keep going,

you'll come to an
old mining trail.

Follow that right down to
the bottom of the mountain.

All right.

You go right, I go left.

- Okay.
- I love this part.

- Come on.
- He say left or right?

Have a good life, boys.

- Let's go.
- Go, go, go, go!

When you peckerwoods get your
diapers clean, come on back.

I'll be waiting.

- West is this way.
- We're not going west.

Yes, we are. The compass says so.

Well, this compass came
out of a cereal box,

so why are we running
the wrong way?

Iron. Iron.

What?

Iron ore. There's
iron in the hills.

It's throwing off the magnet.

Tell Mr. Wizard that we're
still going the wrong way.

Which means Del's compass,
it wouldn't work here.

If D.B. was supposed to land three
degrees northwest of Devil's Ridge,

it would've come off
as directly west.

Who cares about D.B.?

Which means he would've
landed somewhere...

Oh, my throat, neck, chest.

Guys, I think we found him.

Jesus.

This is him. This is D.B. Cooper.

It has to be. The parachute
and the briefcase.

He must have broke his legs in the
landing and then stumbled in this hole.

You poor bastard.

Del was looking for
him, but it was winter.

And the snow must have
covered up the top there.

- We found him.
- That's him.

- I can't believe we did it.
- D.B. Cooper.

Who else would it be?

This case is empty.
The money's gone.

No, look. Look what he's holding.

He burnt the cash to stay warm.

He traded every dollar for
just a few more hours of life.

So much for the treasure.

No, that's it.

Being alive, that's the treasure.

Here he is, boys,

the great D.B. Cooper
and his treasure.

And we found it, so we get our
most valuable possessions back.

Yeah.

Gentlemen.

Time to leave this stuff
behind and get the hell home.

Come on, Elwood.

Well, boss? What's the plan now?

First we gotta find our
way out of this hellhole,

- and then we make a run for it.
- No.

No more running. After
everything we've been through,

Dr. Mott has finally run out
of things to be afraid of.

Do you hear that? I'm not scared
of you, you Neanderthal dicks!

Okay, okay.

We got it, we got it, all right?

Hey, look, there's light
coming from over there.

- What is that, a tunnel?
- Yeah, maybe it leads out of here.

We're never getting
through there, Tom.

- Dano?
- No.

No. No way.

What happened to the
badass over there?

What happened to running out
of things to be afraid of?

That was... This is just a
small, dark space, you know.

I can't. I can't,
it's a deal-breaker.

This could lead out of here.

Dan, you're the only one
small enough to go through.

That's what she said.

It's... It's a mine shaft. They
had to get the ore out somehow.

- It's our only chance, Dano.
- Come on, prairie dog.

You can do it.

I don't think that's helping.

Okay.

Come on.

Let's get him like
this and slide him in.

Keep going, buddy.

Keep going. There's gotta be light.
Do you see light?

I don't think I can.

I don't think I can.

Come on, Dan. Soothing
songs from the past.

- Do you really want to hurt me?
- Do you really want to hurt me?

- Do you really want to make me cry?
- ...make me cry?

Precious kisses Words that burn me

Lovers never ask you why

- Do you really want to hurt me?
- Do you really want to hurt me?

Come on, Dano!

Do you really want to make me cry?

Quiet.

...burn me Lovers
never ask you why

- The hills have gone gay.
- No, no.

It's Culture Club.

I had a new wave phase.

Lovers never ask you why

- Do you really...
- Do you really want to hurt me?

...wanna hurt me?

Do you really want to make me cry?

Yes, we really wanna hurt you

Yes, we really wanna make you cry

Precious kisses Words that burn me

Lovers never ask you...

How you like me now?

Well, well, well. We got
you, little city boys.

We sure got you.

I think this is just
a misunderstanding.

- That was quite a run you gave us.
- You ain't running nowhere now.

What am I doing?

- The game's up.
- Hold on, Dennis.

I have a wonderful idea.

Can I use this, please?

Elwood, that is the best
idea you have had, ever.

We got you now.

How you like me now?

Good work, Dan.

Watch out!

You got them, guys!

Elwood, you all right?

Good one, Jerry. You're awesome!

Stop cheerleading and help, man!

- Right.
- Get them, Elwood.

- Get him off me.
- Hey. There's a grenade up here.

No!

No biting. No biting!

Gun.

Sheriff! Sheriff. Thank
God you're here.

My friends are in that hole.

And these guys are down there beating
them up. And these are their guns.

They got us in this hole.

Having a spot of trouble,
are you, city slickers?

Sheriff. I never thought I'd
be happy to see you again.

Give me that.

Hey, hey. Fight's over, fellas.

Come on, Jer. Come on.

- Good work, Dano.
- You, too. I can't believe we made it.

Not quite.

All right, ladies, on your feet.
Let's get this over with.

Jesus, Hank. We were scared
you was never gonna come.

- Oh, I scared you, did I? I scared you?
- Yeah, you did.

It's all about you,
isn't it, Elwood?

- These boys have been running all over.
- Well, it's a damn good thing I got here.

You two been shooting up this
goddamn mountain for three days,

chasing these jag-offs.

Nice racket, sheriff. What, do you
get a cut of the weed profits?

Profits? They work
for me, ass-wipe.

What are you gonna tell our families?
I mean, you can't...

You can't exactly
explain this away.

Explaining?

We don't have to explain anything.

It's just three more city boys got
lost on the river, that's all.

Hey, I bet they got
eaten up by scavengers.

- It's a terrible shame.
- Dano.

- Case closed.
- Let's shoot them.

I wanna shoot the little
redhead one right there.

Now, look, I'm tired of talking.

Let's get this done with.

Over the edge you go, boys.

- Wait!
- Shut up.

Wait, Sheriff. Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, Sheriff, I'm
gonna shoot them now.

No, no, no. Well,
let's listen to this.

Look,

you and I, we're cut
from the same cloth.

I mean, we're a lot
alike, don't you think?

Yeah, sure, I'm better with
numbers and I bathe often.

I have a dental plan that's allowed me
to keep all my teeth, unlike yourself.

- Yeah?
- I learned a little something

the last couple days, getting chased
by ass-face and dick-chin there.

And that is,

I have two of the best friends
anyone could ever ask for.

I've got the love of a good woman.

I've got a really good life. I
mean, I've got an amazing life.

And I've decided that my life's worth
living. Now, you have to decide

if your life's worth living,
too, because if it is,

you put your gun down.

And if we don't?

- Bye, bye, boys.
- It's go time.

- Let's do this thing!
- Put the pin back in the grenade.

That is my grenade, sir.

The plan was for me to sacrifice myself
if need be while you two ran for it.

- I didn't know.
- That's my grenade...

- I'm not a mind reader, Jerry.
- Give me back my grenade.

Run!

It's gonna blow!

All right, that's it. You're dead.

When all this is over, someone's
buying the first round. Not it.

- Not it.
- Enough of this shit. Just shoot them.

Do you think there's
beer in heaven?

I was thinking more
about the bar in town.

- Let's get off this mountain.
- All right.

These charges are unsubstantialated
and injustifigurable and...

That's right. We did it.
How you like me now?

This is the scene here
at police headquarters

as three local heroes
emerge to a cheering crowd.

The men accidentally helped break
up one of the biggest drug rings

in state history while hiking in a
remote section of the Cascades.

My old man would not believe this.

- Billy wouldn't believe it.
- Actually, know what?

I think he would.

Oh, my goodness. Look at this ensemble.
I like it.

- Look at you.
- Thank you, boys.

Look at this stud. Del!

No names. Fuzz.

Glad I caught you guys before you
headed out. I got something for you.

What's this?

- D.B.'s parachute. Are you sure?
- Damn sure.

There's a little something for
you rolled up inside there, too.

- Thank you.
- So, where you headed?

Thought I'd see the world. I
might even hit Washington.

Wow. One state over.

Till I do, I'm just
telling tall tales.

Remember, carry your
friends wherever you go.

Close to your heart.

Or on your back. I got
D.B.'s bones in my satchel.

Thought I'd give him
a proper burial.

I spent 30 years waiting
to have a life.

- What the hell?
- Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God.

D.B. didn't burn it all.

He couldn't. It was Del's share.

There's gotta be
100 grand in here.

We'll split it three ways.

One-third, one-third, one-third?

You know what?

No, thanks. I'm...

- I'm good.
- I'm not good.

You guys split it.

You wanna split it? Fifty-fifty?

Actually, I can't.

Because I bet you 100 grand that
you couldn't catch a salmon

with a flashlight and I lost.

Besides, Tom, you got bills to pay.
You got a new life to start.

I don't know what to say.

Just say we're square.

No, actually, we're not square.

I seem to recall a certain part
of that wager being one left nut,

and I'm gonna get it. Come
on, pleated pants, let's go.

- Hey, Tom. Hey. Hey.
- Oh, no.

Don't make me go in
through the throat.

- I'm going through the throat.
- You said I could keep it.

- No, I didn't.
- Tom, you said I could keep it.

Jerry! Officer!

Hi. This is Jerry, and I can't
come to the phone right now

because I am busy trying to
convince the love of my life

to give me another chance.

And I will prove to her
that I grew up just enough

to know that I want the
responsibility, day in and day out,

of being there for her
in this relationship,

which I am hoping will someday
become marriage and kids

and a long and unbelievably
happy life together.

Hi, honey.

So happy right now.

That was really, really beautiful.

- Will you get the light, hon?
- Oh, yeah.

You're so good at that now.

And then I jumped on the grenade
to save my buddies and...

Blew my ribcage all to shit.

Sent me 156 feet in the air.

Then I went back and paid off all
my debts in full with D.B.'s money.

One question.

What's a downstairs?