With Six You Get Eggroll (1968) - full transcript

- Is that enough, boss?
- Perfect.

- Mom?
- Be right down, Flip.

Okay, Phil, we're finished.

Al, hit it, okay?

- What's up?
- How much are these 16-penny nails?

I don't know. I'll have to look it up.

The magazine said
it would only cost $4 to make.

For a piece of wood to go
under the mattress? That's ridiculous.

You got to have a number.

Pete, what's the price
of the 16-penny nails?

- $10.50.
- Got that, honey?



Sir, I would like to paint this.
Is this board all right for blue?

- That's the best board we have for blue.
- Thank you.

I almost forgot.
The beauty shop delivered your wig.

Good.

- Mrs. McClure, your sister's in the office.
- She is?

I'll look at the matter myself, personally.
Yes, sir. You can count on me, sir.

- Hi.
- Chuck.

Hold the line, please.

- Did you take care of that Martin deal yet?
- Yes.

Watch it, tiger.

Spoilsport.

- Listen, we got a problem.
- You got to have a number.

The fellow I lined up to be
your dinner partner tonight canceled out.

- Fine.
- So we got to find you a man for tonight.



No, we don't got to find me a man
for tonight, Maxine.

It's a business dinner,
and I could care less.

- You must know someone.
- Of course I know someone.

I know a lot of people,
but I'm really not interested.

Maxine, when are you going to
stop trying to find me a husband?

As soon as you give
me some of that...

Come on. Just because I'm dieting.

You can have one cup of weak tea.
No sugar.

We're going to find you a man here.

Look, Max, I love you dearly, and
I appreciate your interest in my welfare...

but will you cool it for tonight?

I just don't happen to
think that's it right,

your being without
a dinner partner.

I don't need a dinner partner.

I don't need a man in my life.

I'm doing just fine, I really am.

Boy. I have a business to run...

I have three beautiful kids
to keep me company.

What more do I want? I'm doing just fine.

- Will you relax?
- Yes.

- Will you cool it, please?
- I like it this way.

Devoting her life to her family.

- What's wrong with that?
- Baloney, that's what wrong.

Listen, already your kids
have a better deal than you do.

At least they could go to bed
with a teddy bear at night.

I knew you'd get to the bedroom
sooner or later, you little devil.

What do you do on a cold night?

I turn on the electric blanket, okay?

I do better with a nudge.

- I feel sorry for Harry.
- He does all right.

Look, let's be realistic.
Suppose I was interested...

- can I tell you what's available?
- What?

Confirmed middle-aged bachelors
and divorcees.

Divorcees? I don't think
you call a man who's...

I don't know what you call them,
but they're all after you-know-what.

Losers and factory rejects.

Well, there's always Mr. Right.

What if Mr. Right is out there?
How do I compete with the 20-year-olds?

Like they say, if you're Number Two,
you have to try a little harder.

- Is that what they say?
- Yes, that's what they say.

Back to work. "Evans, William."

That's William Evans, and he's a plumber.

Will you get out of that index?
That's private.

You're not going to find anyone
in there, anyway.

- "Ingram."
- Electrician.

- "Ingalls."
- Insurance.

"Iverson."

Is that Jake Iverson?

- What does he do?
- He's just a friend.

- Attractive?
- Yes, very.

Well?

He's just someone
Phil and I used to know, dear.

Flip, come to the office right away, please.

Abby, it says here, "Jake and Evelyn."

That's right. That's his wife, or was.

He's in the same boat I am. Flip! Office!

A widower?

- Yeah, Mom? I was just leaving.
- Already?

Holy smoke, it's late.

Honey, pass these out before you go,
would you, please?

- Okay.
- Thanks.

- Bye.
- Toodle-oo.

- So long, Aunt Max.
- Goodbye, dear.

- Yeah.
- Mr. Iverson?

Just a moment, please.
A Mrs. McClure calling.

- You've got to be kidding.
- I'm not kidding at all.

Come sit down and talk to this nice man.
Come on, talk to him.

I can't ask him. I haven't
seen him in years.

Just ask the man to dinner.

- Mrs. McClure, I...
- Mrs. McClure will talk to you later.

- I don't even know what to say.
- Hello.

- Hello, Jake?
- Who'd you say it was?

This is Abby McClure, Jake.

- How are you?
- I'm fine, thank you.

- How are you?
- Fine.

And how's your little girl...

- Lacey?
- Stacey.

- Stacey.
- Close.

She's fine,

How's your...

The boys. I have three boys.
They're fine, thank you.

- He doesn't even know who I am.
- Just ask him.

- Abby, Phil's wife.
- That's right.

It's been a long time.
I meant to call you after Phil...

I understand.

- Will you just ask him?
- I'll tell you why I'm calling.

I'm having some people in tonight.

You know, for a little dinner party.
And I thought that...

if you weren't doing anything,
that maybe you'd like to come?

- Dinner tonight?
- Yes.

You can?

Well, that's good.

Is 4248, Myrtle Drive,

And that's 7:30-ish.

Sounds great. I'll see you then. Bye-bye.

You can't tell me you aren't bored seeing
just one pair of shoes under your bed.

- Is that all you ever think about? Sex?
- Yes.

- Hi, neighbor.
- Hello, Cleo.

I seem to have misplaced
my garden clippers.

Got a pair?

Just a minute.

I hate to trouble you.

I guess your husband's
out of town again, huh?

You know George and his hunting trips.

- I don't see your daughter around.
- She's staying with a friend.

Here you are.

- Want to help with my garden?
- No, Cleo.

I think it's real bad luck to go
digging around in somebody else's garden.

- You're scared.
- You're damn right I am.

Too bad.

- Stop by for a drink later?
- No. I have to go meet somebody.

- It's the wife of an old friend.
- I'm the wife of an old friend.

Yeah. This is different, though.

- Don't you like me?
- Sure, I like you.

- It's my husband, isn't it?
- What do you mean?

- I can't get to you because of George.
- I like George, too.

Wish I could say that.

What a wicked waste.

Toodle-oo.

Have fun, Jake.

- Molly, would you mind?
- Am I glad to see you.

Boy, do I need help.

- Someone to take...
- Molly, is the house all straightened?

- I hate shrimp.
- Yeah, I know.

- Is the house all straightened?
- Yes.

Good. Did the boys have their dinner?

You know I'm not the type to complain,
but on days like this...

I get the feeling that I'm keeping
three horses out of work.

- Where are they?
- The horses?

The boys.

Flip's in his room,
and the other two are in there.

- Where?
- In there.

- In the living room?
- Yes.

- Molly!
- The living room. Where do you expect?

There are no other
rooms here, except...

What is going on in here?

Now, you know we have company
coming tonight, and look at this room!

But you told me I could paint.

That was two months ago,
when you had the mumps.

I told you, Jason.

You're no better, Mitchell,
but you should be. You're older.

You just get off of this couch.
I've had it. And you get over here.

Enough is enough.

You two just hop to it,
and you get this place cleared up...

and stop laughing at me.

Put your retainers in your mouth
and leave them in there.

I don't want to see them
out of your mouth again, you hear?

I have had it! You!

- Flip!
- Yeah?

- Didn't I tell you to keep an eye...
- What?

- I said didn't I tell you to keep an eye...
- I can't hear you.

If you turn that thing off, you might
be able to hear what I am saying.

- Can you hear me now?
- Yes.

All right. Did I ask you to keep an eye
on Mitch and Jason?

I'm sorry, Mom, but I got to get ready.
I got a date.

So have I, dear.

I have guests coming,
or did you happen...

Yeah, but you don't have to shave,
and that takes time...

especially when you got
a heavy beard like mine.

This house.

Calico.

I have enough around here without you.

None of your lip.

Calico! Come back here!

He's got my hair.

- Calico caught a gopher!
- He's got my hair!

Come here. Get out of the way, boys.

Come here to me.

- Silly dog.
- Give me that!

- Come here, Calico!
- Drop it!

Boys, will you get out of the way?
You're ruining my wig.

I'm not playing with you, you big...

I've got it.

What is it, Mom?

You heard your brother. It's a gopher.

Good night, Mom. Got to split.

- Just a minute, honey.
- I know. Drive carefully, don't be late.

- Check.
- Check.

- Hope your party's a gas.
- Thanks a lot.

- You have fun, too, you hear?
- Sexy.

Good.

What those boys need
is the firm hand of a man around here.

Lord knows you've had your choice with
all those fellas your sister brings around.

You know, you should do yourself
and those boys a favor...

and get yourself married PDQ.

Of course, it's not for me to say.

- You're so right, Molly.
- If there's one thing I believe in...

it's keeping my place
and keeping my mouth shut.

- It doesn't work.
- What?

Figures. The boys
were playing astronaut with it.

Look at this wig. It's soaking.

I just sprayed the whole thing.
Now what do I do?

And look at me. Look at this hair,
and I have company coming.

Couldn't you kind of push it up a little?
Do you have a snood?

- A what?
- You know, a Snood.

You could kind of put it
around here and hold it.

No, I don't have one of those.
Will you just stick it in the oven?

- The oven?
- Yeah, at 200.

And save some space.
I'm going to stick my head in with it.

Oven, indeed.

Many more days like this,
you'll find me in the oven.

- Mom?
- What?

How come you didn't show up
at my baseball game today?

I couldn't make it, Mitchell.
I got busy at the yard, honey.

- Maybe next Saturday, I can come.
- Always the same excuse.

Get those washcloths moving.
It's not fun-and-games time.

Let me try that!

- Mrs. McClure?
- Yes?

- Will you come here a minute?
- I'll be there in a minute.

Now, you don't get out of here until
you're rinsed off. Do you hear me?

Didn't I say no fun and games?

Now you get back in that tub!
Look what you're doing!

- You can't... What?
- Will you please come down here?

- I need you!
- I can't come now, Molly!

We'll just let ourselves in.
I guess Abby's busy some place.

Don't get out of that tub,
or I'll tan your...

- Hi, Jake.
- Hi.

- I guess we're a little early, huh?
- No, I'm a little late.

We met Jake in the driveway.

Jake, how about a drink?
Harry can fix you a drink.

Mrs. McClure, about that oven.

I've got to put the meat on broil,
but your hair's on bake.

Now which should I do first?

I need the hair, Molly.

False eyelashes, false hair, false bosoms.

In my day and age,
women were flesh and blood.

Nowadays, they're 80% nylon
and 20% foam rubber.

Harry, dear, the drinks.

Jake, a nice drink never hurt anybody.

What?

- Come on.
- All right.

Max, I need your help. Wasn't that terrible?

- What must he think now?
- Who cares? He's adorable.

- Will you come on?
- You're a mess.

This place has been a wall-to-wall
disaster area since I arrived home today.

You're a great deal of help to me.
What am I supposed to say to him?

"Meet my sister, the
girl with the golden

arm and her hair in the oven"?

Where is my hair?

Don't worry about your hair.
You aren't even dressed yet.

What are you going to wear this evening?

I'm wearing this white suit.
Is that all right with you?

Abby, come on.

Why don't you get into that
marvelous red geranium hostess thing?

Because it's not that kind of a party.
This is business.

All those people in there are customers.

Who cares about the lumber set?
You are dressing for him.

- I have to be folksy.
- Folksy, shmolksy.

Come on, get into the red thing.

I swear, you are making me so nervous,
I don't know what I'm doing.

I am not going to wear the red dress.

Nice party, Abby.

Say hello to Mr. Iverson, boys.
This is Jason and Mitchell.

- Hi, fellows.
- Hello.

You've met everybody here.
Now it's time to go to bed.

Are you going to marry Mommy?

No, he isn't, dear. Come on.

Boy, Aunt Maxine
is sure going to be disappointed.

- So, you're a chemical engineer?
- Yes, that's right.

- Where do you do your engineering?
- Pacific Refineries, mostly.

I just happen to know somebody
you should meet.

My cousin Dora.

She just hasn't been able to find a man
her intellectual equal.

Has she tried the Yellow Pages?

You single guys, you got it made.

- Airline stewardesses.
- And nurses.

So, you're Abby's fella, huh?
You're getting a great girl.

Do you know what the worst thing
that ever happened to mankind is?

- The pill.
- Helps me sleep nights, though.

I declare, everything is just delicious.

That Abby is a wonder.

I just can't understand why some man
hasn't just grabbed her up by now.

You know, any man would be lucky
to have her for his wife.

And I know that there is nothing more
in this world that she would desire...

than to have a loving husband,
all her own...

to love her every night, give her a big hug,
keep her cozy and warm.

Now, this is the type of woman...

I tell you, if this wasn't my house,
I'd go home.

- Nice doggy. Good boy.
- Calico, stop it.

- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.

- Here, use this.
- Thank you.

- I fixed you a drink.
- No, thanks.

I'd better get going. I just got my coat.

- I'm sorry you have to leave so early.
- So am I...

but I've got these customers
coming in on the 11:30 plane...

all the way from Akron,
and I promised them I'd be there.

I understand. Sure.

- We'll have to get together sometime.
- That would be fun.

- Okay. Well, good night, Abby.
- Good night, Jake.

- Thanks again for inviting me.
- You're welcome. You have my napkin.

- I'm sorry. Good night.
- Bye.

Mrs. McClure, if you think you have
any milk left for breakfast, think again.

They finished all the bread, too,
and we could use some more butter.

And that Mr. Bates
spilled all the orange juice.

- Yes, and tomorrow's my day off, you know.
- Okay.

I'll go to the market tonight.

Listen, as a surprise, why don't you
leave all of this for her till Monday?

We'll be here tomorrow morning at 8:00
with the camper.

- Have the kids ready.
- Cheerio.

- Good night, Abby.
- Toodle-oo.

You have 48 seconds to get to the airport.

You know, what happened was...

I was just getting ready
to leave the house...

and the phone rang, and it was the people
that I was going to pick up at the airport.

And they called from Akron.
They canceled because of a...

Anyway, I could've stayed longer. I'm sorry.

You didn't miss a thing, believe me.

- Good night, Jake.
- Good night.

Here.

Thank you.

- I really am sorry, you know.
- You're sorry you got caught.

It wasn't very nice of me
to go running out like that.

No, it wasn't nice, but it was smart.

Okay, will you quit making it easy for me?
Just let me apologize.

- I'm sorry, and I apologize.
- I accept.

- You want to get some coffee?
- Where?

- At the drive-in.
- Okay.

- I'll meet you there.
- All right.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Herbie.

We're just about to close,
but for you, tell me what it is you like...

and I'll see to it personally.

Order anything you want,
and I'll charge you for a doughnut.

What do you think you're doing, buddy?

This ain't that kind
of chick. This is class.

- Get back in your own machine.
- Let him stay, Herbie. He's kind of nice.

I hope you know what you're doing,
but from here on...

it's full price for everything.

- Can we have some coffee?
- Big spender. Not even a doughnut?

No, I want her to love me for myself,
not the things I can give her.

You blew it. You could've had steak.

- You're not sore, huh?
- No, I'm not.

Pretty lousy story about
the airport, though.

You would've gotten away with it
if I hadn't needed bread.

How long has it been, anyway?
About six years? Seven?

Yeah, I think about seven.

Two coffees, one with cream.

Sure you don't want separate checks?

How about a receipt
for income tax purposes?

No, that's okay. Thank you.

That's good.

- Well?
- Nothing.

I'm just trying to picture you
running that lumberyard.

I'm a whiz on a band saw,
if that interests you.

You run a home, too,
take care of all those kids.

Now, that's difficult.

- You ever find any time for yourself?
- I manage.

I have a housekeeper, Mrs. Benson by name.

- Yeah, I met her.
- And it all works.

- I think he's trying to tell us something.
- It's 2:00. Closing time.

Listen...

Don't tell me
you were going to apologize again.

- No, I wasn't.
- You weren't?

- Good night.
- Good night, Jake.

Thank you.

- Who is it? Jake? Hi.
- Hi.

I couldn't let you carry
that heavy bag all by yourself.

- Thank you.
- It's nothing.

A while ago, I couldn't wait to get out
of here. Now you can't get rid of me.

Listen, I want to see you again, okay?

Do you?

- I'm available.
- All right.

- Tomorrow night too soon?
- No.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll go get some spaghetti or something.
I'll pick you up about 7:00.

07:30?

06:30?

Now, come on, you guys. Cut it out.

I'm trying to read the paper,
so let's have a quiet breakfast.

Mom was up late last night.
She's probably beat.

So settle down, all right? Now eat.

Good morning, group. How you doing?

Hats off at the table, buddy boy.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetie.

Boy, have we got a day for a picnic.
It is gorgeous.

Listen, don't forget
your graduation rehearsal.

- Gee, I wish you could go with us.
- Yeah.

- Hold on till we get the bike off.
- There we go.

I'll take care of things here.
Come on, kids. There we go.

Everybody out?

You just go ahead and get dressed.

Can I give you a hand?

No matter what time you get home,
call me later.

- Mom, Mr. Iverson called.
- He did? What'd he say?

He said it was his kid's birthday
or something.

Anyway, he won't be
able to make it tonight.

Look at the one with the yellow dress.
They're fabulous.

- Aren't you having a good time?
- I really am.

- Wasn't this a great idea?
- Yeah, it was.

You love it?

- Harry loves it. Don't you?
- Yeah.

Harry and I have been dying
for an excuse to come here.

Tell me what happened last night.

He followed you home
from the supermarket...

How does it feel
to be married to a sex maniac?

- Every home should have one.
- Why ask him?

Ask the mailman.

Really, it's kind of a shame
that Jake didn't come...

because I think we'd make
kind of a handsome foursome.

- Yeah, he would like it, I think.
- Yeah.

She's pretty, isn't she?

Why shouldn't he go out
with a young chick?

Why take a bus when you can fly?

Molly, don't forget
to have Jason ready at 11:30...

for his doctor's appointment.

Ma, I don't want to go to the doctor.

Bobby Gold's birthday party is today.

You have to have a checkup to go to camp.

And Bobby's present is in on the hall table.
It's all wrapped, ready to go.

Telephone!

It's Mr. Iverson.

Tell him I've already gone. I'm in a hurry.

Boss, Michaels said he's got to have
all his window frames today.

- Will you tell him he'll get them?
- All right.

Some guy named Iverson called twice.
He wants to talk to you.

- There's his number.
- Thanks.

We just faked her out, huh, Mitch?

Good night, boys, and I mean good night.

San Francisco Bay Area will show signs
of precipitation in the a.m.,

followed by clearing
and somewhat bluer skyes.

Hello.

Hey, you're awful hard to get a hold of.
What are you doing, running from the law?

Hello, Jake.

Flip did tell you about why
I couldn't make it last night, didn't he?

Yeah. He said that it was...

some kind of a birthday or something.
It's okay.

Yeah, I forgot all about it.

- You want to have lunch tomorrow?
- I don't know.

I'm so busy at the yard right now.

How about some evening, then?
Friday okay?

I don't think so. It's pretty hectic.

This a brush-off?

I guess you got your reasons.

Whatever if is, left?
leave if at That; then,

- Bye, Abby.
- Bye, Jake.

- There he is. Look at your brother.
- Hi, Mom.

- Guys.
- You look nice. You look terrific.

Thanks.

- Why you wearing that funny hat?
- Because he's graduating.

- Do you know your speech?
- Did it 14 times to the mirror.

That should do it.
I'm a nervous wreck about that speech.

Excuse me just a second, Mom. Hey, Charlie.

I guess maybe...

Boys, come back here.

Now, you know what I told you.

If you behave today, you can go
with Aunt Max to the lake for the weekend.

But if you don't, the deal is off.

- Flip going, too?
- With you? No, honey.

He's not going with you.
He's going on his own weekend.

I guess we can go on in now.
Come on, guys.

Yeah, Mom?

There's a girl standing out there.

She's sort of facing us.

She has very long brown hair hanging
kind of in the front with bangs. Who is she?

That's Stacey Iverson.

- Finally made it, huh?
- Not quite.

They haven't given me my diploma yet.

You better go get it
before they get wise to you.

Attention, please.

Will the graduates and their guests
kindly fake their seats?

The ceremony is about to begin, Thank you,

Good night.

Hi.

Listen, I don't know what happened with us,
but I think we ought to talk it over. Okay?

And I brought this stuff along
we could talk it over, over.

Come in.

- How are the kids?
- Fine. They're away for the weekend.

- How are you?
- Fine, thank you.

If I'd known it was going to be this easy...

I'd have bought the domestic stuff.

- I'll get the glasses.
- I got glasses.

There.

- Thought of everything, huh?
- Of course.

Hey, Calico.

How are you?

You're supposed to eat
caviar with this stuff,

but I like popcorn better.

- You like popcorn?
- I love it. So does he.

Now, then...

Champagne Charlie,
the last of the big spenders.

You ever gonna tell me
why you're so mad at me?

Nope.

I had to let you in.

- Want some coffee?
- It's late.

- I think I better go.
- Come on.

You coming, Stacey?

It feels good in here. It's cold out.

Talk.

I'll get the coffee on.
It'll be just a minute.

You just sit there and take it easy.

My goodness. It was so good, wasn't it?
I ate too much.

What are you reading? Teen Scoop.

Gossip, huh?

I like that picture of you, Stacey.
It's darling.

- How old are you here?
- Three.

- It's darling.
- Pretty frame.

Daddy gave it to Mother
for their anniversary.

I wonder what time it is. Do you know?

- No, but I think it's kind of late.
- Yeah, I think it is.

Oh, dear.

Jake, I don't think I'll
stay and have coffee.

Why not? What's the matter?

I have such a day tomorrow.

- Well, it's still early.
- And coffee...

Good night, Stacey.
I'll see you soon, honey.

- Good night, Mrs. McClure.
- I'll take you out.

That's okay, I can manage.
Thanks. Good night.

You sure? Good night.

- How about some of that coffee?
- Okay.

I haven't got any cigarettes.
I'll go down to the corner and get some.

Turn that off in about five minutes.
I'll be right back, honey.

- Back again, sweetie?
- Hi, Herbie.

Herbie Fleck's too good a thing to pass up.
I figured you'd come around to your senses.

Two coffees, please.

Two coffees. I should have guessed
Diamond Jim would be here.

Diamond Jim. Two coffees.

Cigarettes?

Yeah, I'm buying a
lot of cigarettes lately.

This is ridiculous.

I'm sorry about that kid.
I think we'll just leave her home next time.

Jake, we just have to give her time,
that's all.

She'll get used to me. I think.

I hope.

- I did.
- Did you?

You're pretty nice.

- Well, so long, pal.
- Good night.

- It's been very nice, Mr. Iverson.
- It's been grand.

And now here are some scenes
from next Week's episode,

- Okay, fellas.
- Mom!

Jason, come on,
I'll give you a piggyback ride.

Don't bother, Mr. Iverson. I'll do it.

- Sorry about that.
- I guess he's just protecting his domain.

Stacey does it all the time.
It doesn't mean anything.

- It's just gonna take time.
- Excuse me.

- Going out, honey?
- No, there's a show I want to watch.

Well, why don't you watch it
in your room, then?

I want to watch it in color.

I think I'm gonna go home.

Well, guess I'd better get going.

- Good night, Flip.
- I'll see you out.

See you at the drive-in, all right?

Oh, darn, I forgot Molly's pumpernickel.

- Get it in the morning.
- Honey, you know how she is.

She loves to have pumpernickel
with her breakfast.

I won't be but a minute.

Don't tell me. I know.

- Two cups of coffee, right?
- Right.

The dame's got to be a masochist.

Hi.

This has got to be
the craziest courtship in history.

I'm sick of this drive-in,
I'll tell you that.

I'm getting kind of sick
of Herbie what's his name.

Fleck.

- You want to go for a ride some place?
- I always want to go for a ride some place.

Flip. You scared me.

Do you know what time it is?
It's after 11:00.

- You're kidding. Is it really?
- You said you'd be right back.

I know I did, but it was such a pretty night
that I took a drive.

- You'd better get to bed. It's late.
- You could have called.

I didn't think that you would be up.

You knew I'd be worried,
you being out in the car and all.

- Honey, I didn't think you'd be sitting up.
- You know what I was going to do?

I was getting ready to call the hospital.

Will you please keep your voice down?
You'll wake the boys.

I want you to calm down, too.

I'm sorry if I upset you,
but I didn't think it was necessary to call.

Let's not make a big case
out of nothing, okay?

Okay.

Good night, honey.

- Mom...
- What?

Where's the pumpernickel?

Let's shape up, huh, Mom?

- Hello, honey.
- Hi, Mr. Iverson.

Hi, Janey. I didn't know you were here.

- Janey's spending the night.
- That's good.

- Have a good time at Mrs. McClure's?
- Yeah, very nice.

Kind of late, though, huh?

I guess it is. Gee, I'll go to bed then.
Good night.

Good night, Mr. Iverson.

Are you having an affair with Mrs. McClure?

Do you mean am I getting serious
about her? Is that what you mean?

You're talking like a child.

- I asked you if you're having an affair...
- I heard that.

- What the hell kind of question's that?
- Dad, I'm not a baby anymore.

I understand sex.
I've known about it for years.

What do you mean,
you've known about it for years?

No, Daddy, I said I understand it.
I didn't say I...

- Are you having an affair...
- Will you be quiet?

Janey's out there.
What's the matter with you?

- Well?
- Well, what?

Don't you think you're a little old
to be carrying on like this?

You could get in trouble, you know.

- Hello?
- Hi.

- How's it over at your house?
- Very hostile.

- A little indignant around here.
- You know I forgot the pumpernickel?

- Yeah.
- Why didn't you remind me?

Because I forgot.

I miss you.

How old are you, anyway?

- Why?
- Nevermind.

I just know I'm too old
for any more of this fooling around.

- You know what I mean?
- So am I.

- Last time I meet you in a drive-in.
- You should've been here when I came in.

- Ridiculous, making up excuses...
- The house was dark...

- getting a sex lecture from a 17-year-old.
- Flip switches on the lights.

- And I'm fed up with the whole shot.
- So am I.

Shut up. I love you. And you love me, right?

- I love you, right.
- Okay.

Which one?

I know which one it is.

- Why don't you go in the house?
- No.

- What are you standing there for?
- Because.

You don't really want me to pick you up
and carry you over the threshold, do you?

- Yeah.
- You do?

- Calico.
- Shut up. We're married.

What's a fellow have to do
to get tucked in around here, lady?

Well, you got to have a number, sir.

He has to go.

I'm freezing. Put it back.

Calico, get out of there.
He's ruining those camellias.

Come on, Calico, hurry up.
It's 3:00 in the morning, boy.

I'm cold.
What time's Stacey coming tomorrow?

She's at Janey's for the night,
and I told her to be here about 8:00.

- Oh, boy. I can't face it.
- Come on, now.

All we have to do, we just sit them down,
we give them some breakfast...

and then you tell them.

- You're a right-side sleeper, too?
- Are you?

It's all right.

No, we just got married
too quick, that's all.

Never mind.

I don't care. It doesn't
make any difference.

Where are your shoes?

- My shoes?
- Yes, I want your shoes.

- What are you doing?
- Never mind.

There, that's for my sister.

- Your sister?
- Right.

Anything else?

There's a man in Mommy's bed!

I didn't expect you to do this.

I didn't, she did. It's my
day off, you know.

Of course, if I'd known
this was your wedding day...

I could've rearranged everything,
but I have plans.

- I'm sorry.
- That's all right.

Thank you. And congratulations, again.

It's so romantic.
Eloping to Las Vegas and all that.

I bet you were a beautiful bride.

Oh, dear. I guess I'd better go
before I get sloppy.

Have a nice day, Molly.

Thank you, Stacey.

- Thanks for fixing the table so pretty...
- That's all right.

...making breakfast and everything.

- Can I help? What can I do for you?
- Nothing. I've done everything.

Honey, I know how you feel. Really, I do.

And I know how the boys feel.
But you know something?

I love your father very much.

- Please let me do that.
- It's okay. I know how Daddy likes it.

These are pretty good eggs, lady.
How'd you know that's the way I like them?

Stacey made them. She did everything.

I always said you're a pretty good cook.

- Good morning.
- Hi, Flip.

Good morning, Mr. Iverson.

Isn't it about time
you started calling me Jake?

Honey, sit over here.

- This your chair?
- That's all right.

- Go on, sit down.
- That's all right.

He doesn't mind, Jake.

Oh, boy, this is good.

Mr. Iverson, are you my daddy now?

- Yep. Think you're gonna like that?
- I don't know yet.

Listen, I think today calls for
some kind of celebration, don't you?

What do you say we stay home from work...

then we can all
spend the day together somehow?

Let's do.

Oh, boy! One big, happy family!

This will take care of our share.

- Boy, am I glad you two got married.
- You are?

Because with six you get egg roll.

Are we going to be going home soon, Dad?

We were just talking about that, honey.

Our house is pretty small,
and seeing as how there's six of us now...

we'd be a lot better off
over at Abby's place.

- We're going to be living at her house?
- Oh, boy.

- You can say that again.
- Oh, boy.

- What's the matter with that?
- Nothing's the matter with that.

Only one little tiny thing
like there's no room for me, that's all.

You can say that again.

Honey, wait, this is just temporary.

We can fix up a couch or something
for tonight.

Oh, great. Excuse me, please.

She's absolutely right.
She shouldn't have to give up her bedroom.

- What have you got in mind?
- Why don't we all go to your house?

There's only two bedrooms in my house.
That wouldn't be fair to the boys.

Where will they sleep? On the floor?

You don't have to worry about the boys.
They adjust.

Shut up out there.

It's gonna be a night, I'm telling you.
I said, stop it right now.

- Mr. Iverson, you know what?
- What?

Our dog hates your dog.

They're just talking
when they bark like that.

They'll get to like each other.

Good night.

You mind turning the radio off, honey?

Good night, Flip.

- Mom, why can't I...
- Your brother's asleep.

Mom, why can't I sleep on the floor
like Mitch?

Next time. Tonight you have to
rough it on the couch.

Night, pal.

Now go to sleep.

The boys left the sink filthy.

- There's cleaning stuff under there.
- I'm not cleaning up after them!

- I'll do it.
- No. Why should you do it?

- Nobody has to clean. The boys...
- I don't mind.

- Mom, this is a drag.
- What is?

Can't I go back to our place and sleep?

This is our house, Flip.

But that crummy cot in the kitchen.

What's so bad about sleeping in the kitchen?

Why can't we have some laughs
around here?

Mommy.

You know you can grow to hate
that word? What is it?

- Can I sleep with you?
- Out!

Get going!

Nothing the matter with that.
I was just going to ask you the same thing.

It's very important for Stacey.

She's the one who has
the big adjustment to make.

What about Flip? It's not so easy for him.

He's used to being
the man around your house.

Now he winds up in my kitchen, on a cot,
with his radio off.

I know I shouldn't laugh at that,
but what else can we do?

What we gotta do is sell both of the houses,
then we buy a new one...

and we move into that.
It won't be your house or my house.

It'll be everybody's house, okay?

That's a very good idea.

And until we sell, we're gonna...

Until we sell,
we'll alternate between the houses.

- Go back and forth.
- You mean, a different house every night?

- Why not? We can manage.
- I married a gypsy.

We have to be fair to everybody.

When Molly is over here, we'll be there...

and when she's there, we'll be here.

Then Stacey will have her own bedroom,
and that's what I want.

She's got to have her own bedroom.

- That do anything for you?
- It better.

- Kind of cute.
- I'm exhausted.

Mommy.

What's the matter?

I can't find the bathroom.

There are a couple of things
that I think we ought to hash over.

There's a couple of things that I...

It's darling. I love it.

Why don't you take that? Come on, Stacey.

- How much is that bill?
- $29.95.

No, I'll pay for it. I have an account here.
Daddy gave it to me.

I know it's been hard for you...

to get used to having a father
around the house again.

But I think if both of us just...

Thank you.

I'm sorry, but I have to go.
I promised to meet some friends.

Okay, honey. I'll see you later.

Whose house will we be at tonight,
yours or mine?

Mine.

Come on.

- Are they having fun out there?
- I hope so. I don't know.

Listen, when are you two going to stop
this traveling circus bit, back and forth?

What did you get in Vegas,
a marriage license or a driver's license?

- You haven't even had a honeymoon.
- We know that.

Why don't you both come to San Francisco
with us for the weekend?

- That's a great idea!
- I wish we could.

- We can't.
- Why?

Because the kids would kill each other,
that's why.

Now, there is a perfect solution:
When you get back, you pick the winners.

- Hi.
- What's going on in there?

Stacey's just having a party, that's all.

We wanted to watch
the basketball game in color.

Come on, guys.

What did you say about San Francisco?
Boy, am I ready.

One thing I don't understand is why
parents never run away from home.

We'd love to have you come.

- Let's go, Max.
- I'll be right there, honey.

Well, see you around, fellas.

Bye-bye.

I just told you a second marriage
would never work out.

- Get out of here.
- Be careful.

- Hello.
- Here I come, ready or not.

Come on!

Come on, we're going to my house,
where we can be alone.

- Howdy, neighbor.
- Hi, Cleo.

Sorry I haven't been over lately.
I've been in Mexico getting a divorce.

- I'm sorry. I thought you were alone, Jake.
- No, I'm not.

Abby, this is Mrs. Ruskin.
She's the neighbor next door.

This is Abby, my wife.

I just happened to be walking
down the street.

It's a nice night for streetwalking.

She is your wife, isn't she?

Will you two be living here?

- No, I really don't think so.
- No.

Have fun, kiddies.

You have my number.

We do?

She used to baby-sit for Stacey.

Besides, her husband is about that big...

he's a tackle for the Green Bay Packers,
and I'm scared to death of him.

Mrs. McClure or Iverson.

- Hello, Molly.
- This is my night to be here, isn't it?

Yes, you're right.

- This is Mr. Weiss.
- Nice meeting you.

I already know Mr. Iverson.
Post Office Department.

Had this route for 14 years.

How do you do?

What happened?
What did you come back for?

Mr. Iverson... We...

I wanted to see if the "For sale" sign
was still out on the lawn.

It is.

- Good night. Have a nice time.
- Nice meeting you.

Congratulations,
and good luck on your marriage.

- Thanks a lot. Good night.
- Thank you.

- Tomorrow's my day off, you know.
- Yeah.

You know we're right back
where we started, don't you?

I guess so.

Even switching houses hasn't helped, has it?

No. I'm getting very depressed.

Here. It gives you gas.

Pleasure to serve you.

Why don't you come in again sometime
when you need empty cups?

Why don't you two get married
so you'll have a place to go?

Why don't they get married
so they'll have a place to go?

My house...

would be perfect,
but we need another bedroom.

We haven't got another bedroom.

And that way...

Molly would have a bedroom...

and Stacey would have a bedroom.

We haven't got another bedroom, honey.

I can't just snap my fingers like that
and get you another bedroom.

You just did it.

The camper!

We're gonna use the camper
for the extra bedroom...

until Aunt Maxine gets back
from San Francisco.

We're all gonna quit moving,
this back-and-forth stuff...

and we'll stay right here in this house.

Your mother's got a little
headache this morning so...

That's better.

Mom, can me and Jason sleep in it?
The camper!

No, you boys have to sleep in the house.

- Good morning, everybody.
- Hi, Mom.

Good morning.

- I'll take the camper, Mom.
- Fine, Flip. That's good.

But he already has a room.
Why can't I sleep in the camper?

We didn't think
you'd want to sleep out there.

- You take my room.
- Thanks a lot. I don't want your room.

- It's settled. Forget it, will you?
- But I want to sleep out there!

Quiet!

Excuse me a minute.

I'll tell you who sleeps in the camper.
Your mother and I will sleep in it...

- and that's the end of it.
- What?

- You and I are gonna sleep...
- But I thought you said...

Quiet! Be quiet.

And you be quiet.
You've got a headache, remember?

You and I are gonna sleep in the camper,
that's who's gonna sleep there.

That is the end of it.
Right now. Once and for all.

Don't hold dinner for me,
because I'll be late.

- Now look what you did.
- What I did?

I'm sorry.

- What?
- I'll be home early.

I knew you would be.

I'm sorry. Bye-bye.

We will sleep in the camper, though.

Knock it off! Go out in the back.

- This is adult talk.
- Big man!

Go on.

So, my room isn't good enough for you?

Nothing about you is good enough for me.
This house is so weird!

- Do you know what's wrong with you?
- What, Mr. McClure?

You're spoiled rotten, Miss Iverson.

Excuse me.

- Stacey, what are you looking for, dear?
- A glass.

They're right in here,
where they've always been.

Everything's in such dumb places here!

In our house,
you can find something when you want it.

Why don't you rearrange the kitchen
the way you'd like it?

Why don't you do that?

- I do know what Daddy likes.
- Okay, Stacey, you've got your wish.

If you want to be the lady of the house,
you're gonna be it.

It's Molly's day off.
You can take charge of everything.

We'll start with the ironing,
then we'll do a little mending...

floor polishing, a little silver polishing.

Don't forget to do the bedrooms
and clean the bathrooms.

Then you'll have to do
a little marketing for dinner...

and we'll have dinner at 6:30.
Have a nice day, Stacey.

If you want me, I'll be at the hairdresser.

Hi, Stacey. You'll have the room
in just a shake, honey.

How's it going?

- Here's the list. All finished.
- Thanks.

Except I didn't know where to put
that big silver tray.

In the living room chest.

What about tomorrow's list?
Would you like to work on that?

But tomorrow's Saturday.

I know, honey,
but there's an awful lot to do.

You'll have to get an early start.

First, I want you to call your friends
and go to the beach for the whole day.

Then come home
and fix your hair and your nails...

and make some nice long phone calls...

and have your dinner, and go to the movies.

Unless you'd rather be
the lady of the house.

Get some rest. You can use it.

What are you doing in a cab?

The car broke down
way out in the boondocks.

- What have you been up to?
- See for yourself.

- Nearly had a breakdown, too.
- Where's Abby?

She's in the bedroom. She just got home.

"Laundry, ironing, mending, floors."
Just got home? Where's she been?

I think she was out shopping,
getting her hair done, and stuff.

Her hair done?
You mean, you did all this by yourself?

- Sure did. Been at it since this morning.
- Floors, too.

You know, Dad,
it made me realize something.

- What the hell's going on around here?
- What?

This is what I'm talking about.

How come you got to lay all the work
on Stacey?

- What's the matter with Flip?
- Well, aren't you silly?

- What do you mean, silly?
- What's the matter with you?

Why do you have to lay it all on her?

- Flip's playing basketball.
- Basketball? That's great.

Stop raising your voice to me!

If you shut up long enough,
I'll explain it to you.

- Don't tell me to shut up!
- I won't discuss it with you, Jake Iverson.

That's fine! Who wants to discuss it?

If you want to know the truth,
it was an experiment.

An experiment? In what, child labor?
A 14-hour day?

- That is the lowest thing...
- Lowest what?

- I was trying to help her!
- Help her?

It'll never happen again,
I'll tell you that.

- You can be damn sure of that.
- You big bully!

- What's he so sore about?
- Just go to bed, both of you.

- You owe me an apology.
- I owe you an apology?

- You certainly do.
- For what? You owe me an explanation.

I still don't know what this is about.

I don't owe you anything!
You're just stupid.

If you don't know what I
was trying to do for that girl...

- Don't call me stupid.
- I didn't call you stupid.

You just called me stupid, and you're right!

We own two houses,
and I'm sleeping in the back of a truck!

- And whose idea was that?
- All right, it was my idea.

- Flip wanted to sleep out here.
- So Flip could sleep out here. Fine.

That was a brilliant idea.

- Whose idea was it to get this thing?
- Yours!

No, you don't remember
because we were at the drive-in...

and you were roaring drunk at the time.

That's nice.
Why don't you shout it for the neighbors?

You were roaring drunk at the time!

You're just mean!

- You know you're wrong about Stacey.
- Of course, I'm wrong.

I'm your husband, I am married,
I've got to be wrong all of the time.

You can't even say you're sorry!

I am sorry, all right. I am sorry.

That's nice. What are you sorry about,
getting married?

- Did I say I was sorry I married you?
- No, but you're thinking it.

- How do you know what I'm thinking?
- I know what you're thinking every minute!

You're a mind reader!

If that's the way you want it,
then it's fine with me!

Fine with me!

And you can go back to that baby-sitter,
whatever her name is!

Cleo. Her name is Cleo!

And furthermore, she can have you!

I'll deliver you there myself, personally!
Bed and all.

Jake, I want to apologize.
I'm coming back right now.

Here you go. Two coffees.

They're on Fleck. Again.

Listen, can you lend me
some clothes to wear?

It was that dame, right?
Tore the clothes right off you.

- No.
- What a tiger.

How about some clothes?

I ain't got no clothes,
except dirty uniforms.

- That's fine.
- Dirty uniforms?

- I don't care.
- I don't mind. All right with me, buddy.

- The latest color: chocolate.
- It's all right.

I'll tell you one thing.

I hope you're not gonna make
a regular thing out of this.

This is a hot dog stand, not a haberdashery.

Can you give me a lift home, do you think?

Now I'm a bus station.

Hey, Duke! Come here!

This is not part of the regular service
at Fleck's.

Come here. Okay.

Give this guy a lift, will you?

- I got deliveries to make.
- So you got another one.

Drop them and dump him.

Pardon me!

I'm looking for someone.

- Actually, I'm looking for a man.
- Man? How's that again, baby?

I'm looking for my husband.
I lost him, and I've got to find him.

What does this cat resemble
and look like, baby?

Actually, he'd be easy to recognize...

because he's in his undershorts
and he's carrying a teddy bear.

A teddy bear. He took a trip. Went that way.

- What did he say?
- He went that-a-way.

Thanks very much.

Saddle up, friend.
We shall give thou a hand.

That is our bag, to help folk.
We will follow us!

We gotta find little old Teddy Bear!

We better stay with them.

- Come on. You didn't turn sharp enough.
- All right!

Where'd you learn to drive?
You're blocking my whole place!

What's the matter with you,
you dumb blonde broad?

- Are the chickens all right?
- Are they all right?

She hit a chicken truck?

Route 6 is just one big fricassee.

Driver's rounding up the birds.
Then he'll be down to press charges.

Sergeant, I've got to find my husband.

Your royal fuzz, let our mother go.

Let our mother go

- Are they with you?
- Your fuzziness...

my group is baby's character witness.

We are about to commit for you one sit-in...

until our baby is thoroughly released.

Bye-bye.

Down, Cloud, down.

You've got no driver's license,
no identification.

I think I'd like to talk
to this husband myself. Pick him up.

Let's have a description. How old is he?

I don't know.

Sergeant, the whole thing happened
because of the children.

They were only happy
living in their own home.

We tried moving around, and it didn't work.
So we decided to go to my house.

We thought the camper
would make everybody happy.

That didn't work, either.
Jake and I had an argument...

and I said nasty things to him
that I didn't mean, and I said:

"You can go back to Cleo.
I'll personally take you there myself."

That's what I was doing. I was taking him
when he fell out of the camper.

That's fine.

You're free, baby.

You're not going anywhere, sister,
but into a cell.

What is this?

You're allowed one call.
Use the pay phone, please.

I demand my...

I'll take it.

You ain't groovy.

What's going on? Where's your mother?

- She's in jail.
- She's where?

- Police station. She needs identification.
- Here. Give me that. I'll go.

Mom called me.
She doesn't want you, and neither do we.

I heard you yelling at her.

We had a peaceful family here
until you came along.

So why don't you take her
and go back where you came from?

You stay here with them.
I'm taking the station wagon.

Shut up, all of you!

All right. Come on.

Just a misunderstanding, Sergeant.

Any further questions,
you can Contact me at my law firm.

All right, Mr. Scott.
The truck driver will be here any minute.

You and Mrs. Iverson
can work out the damage claims with him.

Okay, all settled! Now clear out of here!

Not so tout de suite, my sweet.

We go when baby go.

Stacey can't accept me, and the boys
can't accept Jake, and that's it.

- You see what you've done?
- I'm sorry, mister.

I didn't see you were gonna turn.

Sorry? I'll show you how sorry
you're gonna be.

Hold it. Wait a minute, fella.
Just take it easy.

- Who sent for the Good Humor man?
- You don't go hitting kids.

You go on over in the car. Go on.

All right, I'll hit a man.

- Jake, are you all right?
- Yeah, no, I'm okay.

- What did you do?
- I'll tell you later.

Don't worry, Mom. We'll get you out.

Quiet. Just hold it down here.

Are you the husband?

I didn't recognize you
without the teddy bear.

Our Teddy Bear.

Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me that
she is part of this family?

This has got to be a plot
against the chickens of America.

I want to press charges against all of them!

Hold it down! One at a time!

All right, you first.

There was an accident in the parking lot.
I don't know whose fault it was.

- What parking lot?
- Out there.

When I got there,
this ape here was trying to beat up my kid.

And when my dad tried to break it up,
he hit him when he wasn't looking.

Self-defense, Sergeant!
The whole mob came at us!

Even her. She tried to knock my head off.

- The girl was in this, too?
- Why not? She's part of the family.

- Groovy tribe.
- They fight dirty, too!

All of them.
Look where that little kid bit me.

It serves you right.
You're twice as big as my brother.

That guy there. He had no right to mix in.

He sure did. We're his family.
He's our father.

Perhaps this can best be settled in court.
Have your attorney call me.

Thanks, Uncle Harry.

Uncle Harry?
They even got their own lawyer.

I guess that about settles everything.
All right, you can all go.

You guys never stood a chance
when you took on that family.