Wish You Were Here (1987) - full transcript
In a staid English seaside town after the Second World War, young Lynda grows up with her widowed father and younger sister. Rebellious Lynda has been swearing constantly from an early age. At sixteen, she becomes more exhibitionist and seeks out sexual encounters challenging the prevailing lower-middle class attitudes to sex. She eventually becomes pregnant by an acquaintance of her father.
# You won't
# Forsake me
# To heaven
# You take me
# Don't try to wake me
# I'm just lost in a dream
# I know that you won't
# Forsake me
# To heaven
# You take me
# Don't try to wake me
# I'm just lost in a dream
# I'm just lost in a
# Dream #
- And three, thank you.
- Thank you.
(Girl) Ouch!
- Ow.
- Keep still.
Look, do you mind, you're hurting.
It's all part of the training.
None of us is bloody perfect.
Get your head in there.
Come on, get a move on.
I say, steady on!
- Shouldn't I have a hairnet?
- Course not, it doesn't matter.
- You always had small tits and a big bum?
- Sorry?
Thought so.
I've put you on gas mark four...
back in two days, all right?
(Girl) Can I have a magazine?
Standing side by side.
If you know anything about skipping
you'll know that this is quite fascinating.
Stand side by side
and place your near arm
round your partner's waist.
I do this with my friend Doris.
Or you can hold inside hands.
We do that too.
The swing of the rope
must be from the wrist in both cases
otherwise the rope will not turn evenly.
And you can have formation skipping teams
of any number.
Would you like to join?
Have I got nice tits
or have I got nice tits?
I've got better tits than her.
At least I don't wear bloody falsies.
- Chevely Wonder.
- Seven to two.
- Ought to go.
- How much?
- A dollar.
- All right.
- And cross double it with the other two.
- OK.
Lynda?
I think you're done, dear.
It's awfully hot under here.
It's always like that.
- Bugger!
- There's a very unpleasant smell.
- Don't fidget!
- You didn't give me a magazine.
You're getting a free bloody perm,
what do you expect?
Fine.
Good.
Yes. Yes.
- Yes. You pleased with that?
- Yes, thank you.
Oh.
Look.
Look at my hair!
Look what you've done to my hair!
Oh, I don't know.
It looks nice. It's nice.
Look at it! Look at it!
Oh, shut up, you silly fat cow!
You can always wear a hat.
Lynda, come with me.
(Sobs)
People just don't want to hear
a lot of filthy talk
when they're having a perm.
Come on, out.
- I did not swear at her.
- It's unprofessional and disgusting.
Only took it on to please you.
Look there. Up there.
There's an opening waiting.
All yours. Security for life.
This town's full of women
crying out for perms.
- Hello, Dad.
- Hello, Margaret.
- Hello, Lynda.
- Oh, bugger off.
Watch your... Just watch it.
Ever since you were a child,
you and your disgusting mouth.
Thank you very much.
- There's something wrong with you, my girl.
- I'm bloody bored.
Language.
(Knocks on glass)
- Cod or haddock, what do you want?
- Cod.
Dog.
Elizabeth! Lynda, look.
Look, Margaret, look there.
That's your dad!
Come on, Margaret.
Millie.
Hello, brother.
Hello, prettiness.
You get prettier every day.
Got a kiss for your father?
Is that Lynda?
Take that off, Lynda. Take it off!
Have you brought us any presents?
Where's that kiss for your dad, Lynda?
(Millie) No, I don't believe it. When?
Well, this was before the war.
No! I don't believe it.
Spectacular.
(Woman) On one of the liners?
(Dad) That's correct.
(Woman) Oh,
I just don't believe it, do you?
(Millie) I don't think
the man would lie to us, Joan.
(Joan) Oh no, I mean,
I just can't believe it.
(Dad) Nor can I. (Millie) I can.
(Joan) Oh, you only say that
because you never liked her.
(Millie) Who? (Joan) You.
(Millie) Never liked who?
(Joan) Gracie Fields!
(Millie) I think she screaks.
(Joan) For goodness' sake!
(Dad) Oh, come on!
Your father has cut...
Gracie Fields's hair, how about that then?
Shampoo, set and trim.
- (Joan) Shampoo, set and trim.
- They don't know what you're talking about.
- What?
- They think you're off your rocker.
Don't you?
- (Joan) Our Gracie.
- (Mouths)
(Man laughs theatrically)
That's Gracie Fields.
- (Millie) Hardly.
- I'll get some more water.
- Show them the picture, Hubert.
- I was going to.
- She gave me this.
- Ohh, look at that!
- Very nice.
- I've not seen this before.
Of course not, woman.
- Can I read what it says?
- That's a lock of her hair.
- (Joan) It's not!
- It is.
"To Hubert,."
"With thanks and good wishes..."
"Gracie Fields."
Lynda just said "up your bum".
And "pig's willy".
Out!
- Go on, out!
- Hubert...
- Out.
- Don't be hard on the girl.
I have not travelled the oceans of the
world to come home to language like that.
Bed!
What's the matter?
What's all the fuss about, eh?
I wish he hadn't come home.
I wish he'd stayed at sea
with bloody Gracie Fields.
- Hey, no cycling!
- Up your bum.
Lynda! Lynda!
Say hello to your Uncle Harry.
- Give us a chance.
- Hello, Lynda.
- Your Uncle Harry...
- Uncle Harry.
Your Uncle Harry's got a job for you.
You start tomorrow.
(Harry) If you want it.
(Hubert) She wants it.
- Start tomorrow at eight.
- You'd better get home to bed then.
Good. See you at eight,
get you started.
I'm sure you'll be very happy.
Where?
Where do I have to be tomorrow at eight?
The garage, the bus company.
(Men wolf whistle and cheer)
Hello.
- Hello?
- (Lynda laughs)
What are you laughing at?
It's hot.
Warm work, riding bikes.
I fancy you, actually.
You can take me to the pictures,
there's a Betty Grable film on.
You can take me if you want.
Yeah, maybe.
Do you think I've got
legs like Betty Grable?
I don't know.
If you take me on Saturday night,
I'll buy my own ticket.
All right.
Bye!
Brian?
Betty Grable!
(Laughter)
- Hello.
- Hello.
I haven't seen you here before.
- No.
- Why not?
I've not been here, have I, drip.
- (Horn hoots)
- Would you like to come dancing?
- The Rex, Saturday night.
- Lynda.
I'm a good dancer.
I can't, I've already got a date.
Morning, Mr Figgis.
This way please, you're late.
- You don't know what you're missing.
- Neither do you.
It's not Betty Grable.
What?
It's not Betty Grable.
This is not a Betty Grable film.
I know...
dri-p.
Starting something I can't finish.
Giving you happiness
for a little while and...
- and...
- Oh, darling...
happiness such as we can have
is worth grasping,
even if it's only for a day, an hour.
If you stand on the highest peak
for one moment
you've had what most people
strive in vain for all their lives.
(Woman) If only I could believe it.
(Man) Darling, listen to me.
You say you've only a few months.
How long has anyone in the world?
How long have I?
A month, a year? Well, perhaps
I'll get away with it altogether
and so may you.
But we're all living dangerously.
There isn't an certainty any more.
There's just today
and the hope of tomorrow.
Oh, darling.
Please, let's...
let's take all the happiness we can
while we can.
Don't be afraid.
(Woman) All right, my darling.
I won't be afraid.
I'll never be afraid any more.
(Lynda sobs)
What's the matter, Lynda?
What's the matter?
(Lynda sobs)
Lynda.
Lynda?
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
I liked it, it was nice, silly bugger!
Now then, now then, none of that here!
- Steady on!
- What do you think you're doing?
- This is a picture palace, not a brothel.
- I'm sorry, sir, very sorry.
I'll be talking to your parents.
Oh, please! It won't happen again.
It's disgusting.
Oh, sod the pair of you!
I'll be talking to your father.
Bloody good luck to you!
Here, get off before I kick your arse.
Go on, or I'll kick your arse!
Yes, sir?
(Cheering)
And... they go right up to my belly button.
Marks and Spencer's, do you like them?
- (Loud cheer)
- Look nice, don't they?
(Whistling, applause)
Do you like my suspenders?
What about your knickers?
(Men roar and whistle)
Stop! Stop this! Out!
- You're fired.
- (Men boo)
- You're all fired.
- (Loud cheer)
No, no, no you're not.
Just you, you're fired.
- (Men jeer)
- You lot, out!
Back to the buses. Get back!
But I was only showing them
my new knickers, Mr Figgis. Look!
(Men cheer)
(Man) #...Upstairs and downstairs
# In my lady's chamber
# Goosey, goosey, gander
# Where did I wander?
# Upstairs and downstairs
# In my lady's chamber
# Then I saw an old man
# Didn't say his prayers
# Took him by the left leg
# And threw him down the stairs
# Goosey, goosey, gander
# Where did I wander? #
Your father says you've, er,
sworn constantly since you were a child.
My first word was bum.
Really?
- He's very worried about your, er...
- Swearing.
Yes, that's right, and your...
your behaviour.
As I said, I'm, er...
- I'm here to help you.
- That's nice.
Mm.
Once we discover
what kind of help you need.
Good.
Do you know what a psychiatrist is?
- No.
- You don't?
Do you resent coming here?
No, why should I?
I thought it'd make a nice day out.
I tell you what we'll do, Lynda.
Do you mind if I call you Lynda?
I prefer that to Beryl.
Is Beryl your second name?
No!
I tell you what we'll do.
Let's go through the alphabet.
We'll start at A.
Best place.
And I want you to tell me
all the swear words you know
beginning with A.
- Then we'll go on to, er...
- B.
And so on. Do you get the picture?
So... A. The letter A.
- Arse.
- Arse. Good.
Do you really want me to do this?
- You feel foolish, do you, when you swear?
- No...
only when I'm sat here like this.
- Do you feel guilty?
- What about?
Let's go on. Arse...
Hole.
- Hole?
- Arse.
- Hole.
- Yeah, that's it.
Ah, good, yes.
- And holes.
- Holes.
Of course.
Let's move on to B.
Leave those behind, ha ha.
B.
- Bloody, bastard, bugger, bum.
- Very good.
- And holes.
- Holes.
- Bum.
- Holes.
Yes, of course, very good.
Now, Lynda... C.
We missed balls.
So we did, never mind. C.
(Click)
- No.
- Take your time.
Can't think of nothing.
Think very hard now.
The letter C.
Something very filthy.
Very, very dirty.
Cacka?
Cacka?
Cacka. Pooh-poohs.
- Are you feeling ashamed?
- What of?
- What you're really thinking.
- I'm not thinking anything.
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.
Very well then. D.
- Damn.
- Precisely.
F. The letter F.
- We've missed out E.
- There isn't one with E.
- There might be.
- There isn't, take my word for it.
- We could give it a try.
- F.
Can you think of a filthy,
dirty, smutty word,
beginning with F.
- Not too hard, I should think, Lynda.
- No.
- Come on, come on, of course you can.
- I can't.
Of course you can. I can, anybody can.
Well, what then? You tell me.
You must be one of the last people
on earth not to know.
Everybody knows a swear word with F.
Then, what are you asking me for?
Because I want to hear you say it.
You dirty old bugger.
It is difficult to be sure
without further investigations
but I would conjecture
that something has happened to Lynda
during the course of her adolescence.
Her mother died when she was eleven
- would that have anything to do with it?
- Possibly.
What can I do?
I'm ashamed of her, Doctor,
she's an embarrassment.
- Is there nothing you can do?
- She's a difficult case.
Can you make
some more appointments for her?
- Will it cost the same for each visit?
- Yes, it will.
Then I'm not sure that it's worth it.
(Band plays)
(Applause)
Thank you, thank you.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
we have a star number for you
from our feature vocalist, Rudy Stephenson.
And he's going to sing
for all you sweethearts and lovers.
And also for Trevor Wilson
and Tessa Phipps
- who became engaged today.
- (Feedback)
Thank you. We'd like you
to dance nice and close together,
as Rudy gives you his own
very special rendition
of that all-time
favourite, Lost In A Dream.
# When it comes to dreams
# Love has always played the leading part
# I don't play for dimes and nickels
# I don't play to be the last
# When it comes to love
# I shoot first, shoot to kill
# I aim straight for the heart
# You won't forsake me
# To heaven you'll take me
# Don't try to wake me
# I'm just lost in a dream
# Don't try to wake me
# Cos I'm just lost in a dream #
This is my grandma's bedroom.
That's your grandma's bed.
What did you, er, tell your Dad?
I'm staying with my friend, Pauline.
Where's your gran?
Tunbridge Wells.
She's gonna leave me
this house in her will.
You all right in there?
- I'll be out in a minute.
- You've been in there bloody hours.
You get into bed.
I might fall asleep.
Cor...
look at you.
Do you fancy me?
Not half as much as you fancy yourself.
What kind of cigarette is that?
Du Maurier.
- Really?
- They're the best.
Toothpaste.
I'm going to make love to you.
Do bloody hope so.
Like you've never been made love to before.
Shouldn't be too difficult.
I'm going to do it to you...
right now.
I might have a baby. I just thought
I'd mention it before we go too far.
No chance.
I'm not so dolly dumb as I look, you know.
Don't worry.
Dave thinks of everything.
Oh, Durrex!
- Durex.
- My dad sells these, what are they for?
To stop you having babies.
What?
Crafty bugger!
No wonder he hides them
under the counter.
Ugh!
You don't have to eat them, do you?
(Laughs) No.
They're plonkers.
What the Yanks call condoms.
You've been done mate.
There's not one in this packet.
That's cos I'm wearing it.
Are you?
Yes, I am.
Oh! So you are.
Come on, Dave, quick, let's do it.
- Hang on.
- (Lynda laughs)
- What are you laughing at?
- I'm not, I'm not...
(Carries on laughing)
Ooh, ow!
(Grunts)
What do we do now?
Oh, Lynda...
Any more fares...
please!
Oh.
That was quick.
Did you like it?
Oh, it was nice, but, um,
quicker than I expected.
Don't worry.
Is it always as quick as that?
No, don't worry,
you'll get the hang of it.
We've got all night.
That's good.
Then you'd better swallow
another one of these.
What was that?
(Knock)
Oh, my God, who is it?
- Bloomin' heck!
- Dave, who is it?
It's my dad!
Wait a second.
(Doorbell)
If it's my dad, tell him I'm not here!
(Man) David!
It's me uncle.
(Man) Are you in there, David?
Oh, my God!
- I'll have to let him in.
- No!
- Under, quick.
- What?!
Get under the bed.
Come on quick!
He's got a key.
If he's got a key, what's he knocking
on the bloody door for?
(Man) You up there, David?
What you doing
in your grandmother's bed?
(Dave) What's it look like?
Does your grandma know
you're sleeping in her bed?
(Dave) Course she does.
If she comes back and finds you
in her bed, there'll be trouble.
- (Dave) Yeah, all right, so what?
- Mitch!
I've been given to understand
you brought a girl home here last night.
(Dave) What?
- Mitch!
- (Dave) Who told you that?
Never you mind.
- (Dave) I went dancing last night.
- At the Rex.
(Dave) but I never brought
no girl home, Uncle Brian, not me.
I wouldn't dream of such a thing,
Uncle Brian.
(Brian) I should hope not.
You should be up, this time of day.
You should be out doing something.
(Dave) Where have you been, church?
(Uncle Brian) Taking the dog for a walk.
Keeping an eye on things.
- The bloody dog's got one of your plonkers!
- I know!
- Come on, for God's sake.
- (Doorbell)
- Sorry.
- Your dad in?
- What do you want?
- Dad in?
No. He's not back yet.
Not back yet?
Do you mind if I come in?
Stand there like a bloody dummy,
I don't care.
I don't know where he is.
I never said you did.
So what are you staring at, then?
You, er... You gonna take up
hairdressing like your dad?
No, thanks.
- Reckon you could give me a trim?
- Get the pudding basin.
I'll give it a try.
So, you're the troublesome one eh?
- What do you mean?
- (Mimics) What do you mean?
That's what your dad says.
Says you're a troublesome bugger.
He can't wait to get rid of you.
Why are you limping?
What do you mean?
You got something the matter
with your leg?
No, why?
You got something the matter with yours?
I don't think so, no.
Think you're it, don't you, hm?
- What do you mean?
- (Mimics) What do you mean?
Troublesome bugger.
Think you're God's gift, don't you?
I think I'm all right,
thank you very much.
I think you're all the same.
Don't know what you've got it for.
All you young girls...
you're scared...
all talk.
Scared of a real man, ain't you? Eh?
You bugger.
You dirty bugger.
Where's your sister? Eh?
Girl Guides, she's gone to Girl Guides.
(Door opening)
I'll see you later out the back
when the pub's shut.
That's what you think.
Hubert!
Oh, Eric, how did we do?
- Not so bad, not so bad.
- I want a word with you.
- I'm going out.
- Are you?
Great Eastern, Blue Boy, Tee's Delight.
On the nose, cross doubles and a treble.
- Every one a winner.
- Very nice, very nice.
(Lynda) Very nice.
Here...
sixteen pounds there.
Seven and... six.
You're a toff. Here.
- Oh, thanks.
- Stay for a drink?
Oh, no, no, got to push on.
(Lynda) Got to push on.
- Come on, parrot.
- Parrot.
- Show the man to the door.
- Yes, Dad.
- She's a lovely girl, isn't she?
- You think so?
- Oh, yeah, lovely girl.
- Then make me an offer.
Eh? (Laughs)
Ha ha.
Make me an offer!
No reasonable offer refused.
- Half a dollar, on the nose?
- Done.
(Both laugh)
- Hope your finger stinks.
- I'll see you later.
Cock off.
Hey!
Hey! Where do you think you're going?
Out!
- Oh, no, you're not.
- Oh, yes, I am.
You're not, I'm telling you, you're not.
You stay in for a change.
I stay in, look after boring you know who,
you go to the pub or club... lovely.
Wrong. Freemasons.
Same thing. Yap, yap, yap, yap.
Bit of this, bit of that, then on to
the pub or club with Long John Silver.
It's all bloody boozing.
Lynda, I don't want to hear it, I won't
have that kind of talk! Do you hear?
Get rid of me then.
Make me an offer, ha ha.
You keep away from bus conductors.
Bus conductor!
Look at you, that's just about your...
I'm ashamed to be your father.
Oh, cock off!
Hey! You're not too old madam!
Remember that!
- Your bike's on fire.
- Up your bum!
You'll have to wait a bloody long time,
Mr Stinky Finger,
parrot chops, Long John Silver.
# Up your bum, up your bum,
up your bum, up your bum #
Up your bum, Mr Long John Silver.
# Up your bum, up your bum
# Up... your... bum
(Loudly) # Up your bum
# Up your bum, up your bum
# Up your bum, up your bum,
bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
# Up your bum, up your bum!
# Up your bum, up your bum, up your bum!
# Up your bum!
# Up your bum, up your bum!
# Up your bum, up your bum!
Up your bum!
# Up your bum! #
What's going on down there?
Just trying to find the cat, Mrs Fartley.
Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Oh! Ooh!
- Next.
- Two sixes ple...
Can I have two sixes, please?
Two sixes.
Open or closed?
Er, open please.
Two sixes, a shilling please.
- Sorry I haven't got anything, er, bigger.
- No bother, we can use the change.
Next.
(Man) I want two cod and fours,
a cod and six, a plaice and six
two threes,
three fours and a couple of sixes.
All with crispy bits.
- Open or closed?
- Closed.
Two cod and four, a cod and six,
- what else?
- A plaice and six,
two threes, three fours
and a couple of sixes,
- all with crispy bits.
- Please!
Please.
Cock off.
Dave?
I'll see you later.
Hello, Lynda.
There, you bugger,
that's for you.
Lynda, I'm sorry.
Too bloody late.
(Woman laughs)
(Indistinct speech, woman giggles)
(Woman) Ooh!
Hello, it's me,
troublesome bugger, remember?
- About bloody time.
- Cheeky sod.
- What are you hanging about here for?
- Collecting bets.
Come and stand over by this wall.
Shh. This way.
Come on!
Come on, hurry up.
Have you got a match?
Can I have my matches back?
Mr Mingy.
What's this?
There.
How many you had on there?
Oh, a few.
- How many bus conductors?
- Oh, loads.
I'm not fussy,
that's why I'm here with you.
- So, you had a bust-up with your boyfriend.
- Word gets round quick.
All the little tongues go
clack, clack, clack.
What's all this then?
I come here to sleep,
to escape my dad
and boring bloody sister.
Who with?
You.
What you got down there, then?
- Don't know, have to have a look.
- (Mimics) Have a look?
Do you love me?
No, I don't love anybody,
not even meself.
Bloody hell.
Come on.
- Think you're it, don't you?
- You said that before.
Then I must be right.
You don't know how lucky you are,
I'm practically a virgin.
You've still got your pants on.
Not for long.
(Door opens)
Oh, my God, it's my dad.
- It's my dad!
- (Whispers) Quiet!
Oh!
I'm very sorry, madam, the, er...
the gate was open
and I thought you might have intruders.
Beg your pardon.
Oh my God, bloody hell.
If he wakes my dad, we're both dead!
I thought it was him, I really did.
(Whispers) Don't light the candle,
if he come out here we're dead.
Shut up and come down here.
- Oh, my heart.
- Come here.
I'm shaking like a bag of jelly, can
you feel? We left the bloody gate open.
What's the worry? Forget it.
- I thought it was him.
- What's it matter?
I can take care of your old man
you take care of mine.
- Oh, thank God it wasn't him.
- What's it matter?
- He don't care.
- Who?
Your dad.
Can't wait to get shut of you.
(Laughs) Half a dollar.
- That's what you think.
- That's what I know.
- What do you mean?
- (Mimics) What do you mean?
He told me.
He can't wait to get rid of you.
Says you're a bloody nuisance,
which you are.
He's fed up looking after you.
Big girl like you,
should be looking after yourself.
So what if he does come in here?
I don't care.
Mm?
Can't do it now.
- Why not?
- I'm scared.
- You're not leaving here until you do.
- You have to wear a plonker.
Uh-uh.
I'm not doing it unless you do.
- You don't know what you're missing.
- No plonker, no nookie.
Look, I'm an expert,
I know what I'm doing, I'll look after you.
Look, I'm a cowboy,
didn't you know that, eh?
The best bare-back riders in town.
# There's some cotton thread and needles
for the folks away up yonder
# A shovel for a miner
who left his home to wander
# Some rheumatism pills
for the settlers in the hills
# Get along, mule! Get along #
Big finish.
# Get along, mule, get along! #
(Cheers)
That was wonderful!
Truly wonderful.
I have to give you a big kiss for that.
Come here!
- You should be a professional.
- Oh, I am, I am.
You too, Harry.
Any more, any more?
What about you, Auntie Millie?
Oh, I suppose so, why not?
You make me sound like some old woman.
You too, Joan.
Oh, I thought you'd
have to have a go at me.
He's not fussy.
And...
the lovely Lynda.
(Laughs)
Isn't she lovely?
Lovely.
# In, out, in, out, shake it all about
# You do the hokey cokey
and you turn around
# And that's what it's all about #
# Oh, hokey cokey cokey!
# Oh, hokey cokey cokey!
# Oh, hokey cokey cokey!
# Knees bend, arms stretch, ra ra ra! #
Your mother wouldn't approve.
Pity she's not here to say.
She'd have shown you the door.
I've seen it.
(Sighs)
I'm a respected man, Lynda.
A freemason.
I know that doesn't mean much to you.
Why should it?
I'm not here to be made
a bloody fool of, Lynda.
There's such thing as dignity.
(Sighs)
You seem to think you're smart
but I'm afraid you'll
end up the bloody fool.
Just don't do it in my house.
I don't want to be witness
to that kind of spectacle.
What about Maisie Mathews?
I'm a man.
I don't know why you've turned out
the way you have.
(Whispers) God knows!
You're... You're in such a rush.
Why be in such a rush about it all?
I've left him.
- Who?
- Who? Him!
And my boring bloody sister.
She said she wants to join the army.
I thought she meant the Sally Army,
but she means the army.
- How'd you get in?
- It's not locked, is it?
You said you wanted me through the night.
You've got me now.
Father's blessing. Good riddance.
Can bugger off if you want.
Now...
(Sighs) Come here.
Cuddle me, please.
I'll clear up.
It's a bloody mess in here.
You stink of booze and fags.
You stink of chip fat.
It's this.
No, it's not.
Take it off.
You'd better take this off and all.
I can just fit you in before
the Novices Handicap at Kempton.
(Sobs)
Oh, come on, come on. What's all the fuss?
Hold me, please. Just hold me.
What's the matter?
Gone off it, have you?
Not going to do it any more?
No!
We'll have to ring the papers about that,
won't we?
- I'll go to Bournemouth.
- You what?
You what? Bournemouth.
If you don't want me, I'll run away
to bloody Bournemouth.
Course I want you.
They don't have fish and chip shops
in Bournemouth, you know.
Or sheds.
Now, what would you do
without fish and chips,
sheds and my old man, eh?
- (Lynda sobs)
- Come on.
- Come on.
- (Sobs)
Come on, lovey.
(# F?r Elise)
Hold it still, ladies. Stay still.
Hold it just like that, ladies.
Very still.
Thank you.
- (Clears throat)
- Oh!
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, madam.
- Thank you so much.
Can I help you, sir?
Cup of tea, please.
We don't serve cups of tea, sir.
Only pots, that's teapots, not piss pots,
although we can always make exceptions.
If you want a cup of tea
you must go to the caff
with all the other riffraff.
- This is a caf?.
- Pot of tea then.
(Whispers) Smart arse.
- Language.
- And a bit of cake.
Or a bun.
Bath bun, Chelsea bun, currant bun,
honey bun, up your bum.
Fairy buns, seed cake,
cherry cake, fruit cake,
ginger cake, Eccles cake,
teacake, lemon cakes,
Swiss rolls, dinkie rolls,
jam sandwiches, macaroons,
cheese straws and scones.
I'll just have the tea.
Please.
- Please.
- Thank you.
- Him, there. Can you see?
- Yeah.
All right, serve him, will you, Vickie?
And if he asks where I've gone,
tell him I've gone to Singa-bloody-pore.
Tea, sir.
Where's the...
Where's the other young lady?
- Pardon?
- Where's the waitress who took my order?
Oh, you mean the waitress
who took your order, sir.
That's right.
She's got an urgent call
and had to leave, sir.
Where to?
Singa-bloody-pore, sir.
(Lynda and Vickie laughing)
There he is.
There he is. There he is.
He thinks I've gone to Singa-bloody-pore!
(Both laugh)
- Lynda!
- (Giggling)
Sh!
Lynda.
I wish he'd clear off.
(Laughing)
Go away! Clear off!
Lynda!
Lynda!
Why don't you just bugger off? Go away!
Can't you see where you're not wanted?
I don't need none of you, just bugger off!
Lyndie!
Lyndie, oh, I say!
Never called me Lyndie before.
Must be after something.
Ha, bloody, ha!
But I miss you. I came to see you.
- I bet I know what you're missing!
- Look, you just cleared off!
I come back, you'd gone.
I thought you'd still be
there, I really did.
Oh... just bugger off,
I don't want to think about it.
What's to think about?
Come on, I'll take you for a drink.
- You're just after your oats.
- And your mate.
I'll take you both for a drink...
a meal, if you want.
Oh, look out, Vickie,
he's after the two of us.
- Ahh, I bet you're missing it as well.
- Do you?
How much?
How much do you want to bet?
I wouldn't want to take your money.
Lynda up the duff, then,
what odds do you put on that,
eh, Mr Clever Dick, eh?
Oh, look, that's shut his gob.
That's put a crease in his brand-new suit!
- I don't believe you.
- Don't you?
- You're joking!
- Am I?
I don't believe you.
- How?
- How what?
How do you know?
You're the one that should know!
You put it up me, Mr Bareback Rider.
You knew when you were gonna spunk.
How the hell was I supposed to know?
No, you soft cow,
I mean how do you know?
- Are you sure?
- You're the one all eyes.
- Look! Can't you see?
- No, I can't.
All you see is tits and arses.
- Have you seen a doctor?
- Huh!
Then how do you know it's mine?
If it walks with a limp
and thinks with its prick, then it's yours.
But how do you know?
I don't know that, do I?
- You stupid...
- (Vickie) Lynda!
- Get off!
- Lynda!
- Get off!
- (Lynda) Get off of me! Get off!
(Eric) Lynda!
(Vickie) Lynda, stop it!
(Lynda) Leave me alone!
(Eric) Piss off, you...
(Lynda) Leave... me... alone!
(Eric) Piss off!
Whoops-a-daisy.
Lynda, come on.
Here we are.
Where's the paper?
(Whispers) This is it.
Doesn't look too bad.
What does she do? Did Doris say?
No.
- Is it knitting needles and all that?
- I don't know.
How much?
Where am I gonna get that sort of money?
Come on, let's go and have a cup of tea.
- (Crash)
- Oh, sorry madam. I'm sorry.
Yes, what do you want?
Can I help you, sir?
From the moment you walked
through that door I thought,
"That's my daughter and she's a slut!"
Thank you, sir. Will that be all, sir?
Don't be clever, Lynda. From where
I'm sitting you don't look clever.
I know why you're here
and I don't want to discuss it.
So, do you want a pot of tea
or would you just prefer to clear off?
- I'm disgusted, Lynda.
- With lemon, sir?
I thought I could have a perfectly
reasonable conversation with you.
- I thought I could come here and...
- I don't want you here, I'm at work.
And I've got Hermann Goebbels
breathing down my neck, just clear off!
I thought we could have a reasonable
conversation but all I wanna do is clout you.
(Lynda) Would you like
a pot of tea first, sir?
Listen to you and your mouth,
look where it's got you.
Dad, I can't discuss it.
Will you just go away, I need this job!
- You're going to need more than a job.
- Oh, please, just bugger off!
Is anything the matter, Miss Mansell?
- Is everything to your satisfaction, sir?
- No, it's not.
(Mimics manager)
Is everything to your satisfaction, sir?
You see, what can you do?
- How do you put up with it?
- Oh, shut up!
This is disgraceful. Go
to the kitchen immediately, Miss Mansell.
No, I won't go to the kitchen.
Stuff the bloody kitchen.
- Just watch your mouth!
- Please!
This is what it's like, you see,
this is what you get.
- Now you can begin to see my side of it.
- Oh, please, just bugger off!
- Now, please!
- I said please.
- Do you see?
- Look, what is going on?
- I've given her a lot of time...
- Please, sir!
- Made a lot of sacrifices.
- Oh, God!
- Though, God knows, you wouldn't think it.
- What are you staring at, you old bag?
Please. Mrs... Madam... please!
- Well, she is an old bag!
- That is enough!
- Lynda!
- Allow me to apologise.
She whinges about everything.
Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, every bloody day.
That is enough.
Language, please!
Well, it's true,
what's wrong with the truth?
You're fired! You are dismissed.
- Get out!
- No, I won't!
This one goes around
with his brown nose up in the air,
down on the carpet,
la-di-dah this, la-di-dah that.
The cook spits in the buns
and we all piss in the teapots.
- That is enough. Out!
- She's a bad lot, and that's the truth.
Nothing but trouble,
that's the way it's always been.
- This is my father speaking.
- Since she could speak, she's uttered filth.
From the day she uttered her first word
her tongue has caused nothing but trouble.
- This is my father.
- Sometimes I doubt it.
- An insult to my dead mother.
- I'm sorry but this cannot go on.
I'm up the duff! That's what's up his nose!
I'm pregnant! In the club!
Right, that's it! That's enough!
A man's willy has entered my person
- and left a little visitor behind.
- Get down!
- This is a matter for the police.
- This is the man
- who once gave one to Gracie Fields.
- Down!
I'm calling the police.
- A member of the British Legion.
- Get down!
- Am I the only one who does it?
- This is not my daughter.
- What do you lot do, eh?
- Not my daughter.
- What do you play with in bed at night?
- I disown her!
Hands up all those that like willies, I do!
The police are coming.
- Balls!
- Ladies and Gentlemen...
I would like to apologise
for this disgraceful display...
So what, I'm up the duff, who cares?
- I will settle.
- I like willies!
- Get her down!
- All these teas on me. Right?
Sex! All of you! All you old bags look as if
you could do with a nice bit of hot willy!
- Get her down!
- Sex!
(Loud crash)
(Boy) It's getting kind of close to the
New Year and I'm feeling sentimental.
I'm going to sing a song
that means a lot to me and...
somebody else.
And if you don't like
it that's just too bad.
After all, I own the joint.
# It had to be you
# It had to be you
# I wandered around
# Finally found the somebody who
# Could make me be true
# Could make me be blue
# And even be glad, just to be sad... #
How long is it now?
Three months, more or less.
It's not too late.
No.
What happened?
When?
Your father came home very sorry
for himself. Whatever happened?
Silly bugger.
I stood on a chair in the Paris Tea Rooms
and shouted.
I can't remember what I said.
It was terrible.
He offered to pay for everyone's teas.
You didn't need to do that...
not to your father.
I'm not coming back, you know.
No matter what.
Where you gonna go then?
Who's gonna want you with a baby?
Where you gonna live?
- Not in that dump.
- Nobody's asking you to, my dear.
Things like this don't happen
in that sort of town.
I can just see your father's face.
Go down well at the Freemasons.
He didn't have to stick with you, you know,
when your mum died.
Nor your sister.
- My boring bloody sister.
- Now, you leave her alone, she's all right.
Thank God she's not like you.
Two of you like that, my God!
He could have put you in a home,
you know.
Not many men would have done what he did
on his own with two young girls.
- He didn't love me.
- Oh, yes, he did.
He didn't show it.
You can't show that kind of thing,
not in this day and age.
You're a pretty young thing...
you're funny, but you're pretty.
You could get yourself a nice husband.
Somebody who'd really look after you.
Do you think?
Yeah, I do.
But not like that.
Who's going to want you like that?
It's not too late. Not yet.
Would you know where to go
if you wanted to get rid of it?
It's all right for you to say that.
It's not you that has to do it.
No, that's right, Lyndie, you're right.
What if I had it?
Then have it adopted.
You must've thought about it.
You keep that kid
and nobody'll want you.
Nobody'll want to know you,
nobody'll want to own you. Nobody.
Forget the whole thing, bury it.
Nobody need know a thing about it.
Christ, it's tough enough, you don't have to
go round banging your head with a hammer.
Look at me.
Look at your father.
Well, I'm hardly ancient, neither's he.
I lost Bill, he lost your mum
and we're on our own, stuck!
There's always enough pain.
What about Maisie Mathews?
Well, why shouldn't he?
What's he expected to do
the rest of his life?
I wish I had somebody.
I hope he used a plonker.
I'd hate to see what'd come out of her.
That's good advice, coming from you.
You're gonna have
to make your own mind up.
- I've got to go.
- Not yet.
It's the buses.
I spent ages waiting for you.
- I'm sorry.
- Here.
Now, think about what I said.
You've got to look after yourself, Lyndie.
Here.
Would you know where to go
if that's what you decided?
- To get rid of it?
- If that's what you decided.
I could find out.
I'm going to go, so just you take care.
(Man) There you go.
Hello, you lot. Hello, Brian.
Yes, it's mine.
All mine.
(Doorbell)
# When it comes to dreams
# Love has always played a leading part
# I don't play for dimes and nickels
# I don't play to be the last
# When it comes to love
# I shoot first, shoot to kill
# I aim straight for the heart
# You won't
# Forsake me
# To heaven
# You take me
# Don't try
# To wake me
# I'm just lost in a dream
# You won't
# Forsake me
# To heaven
# You take me
# Don't try
# To wake me
# I'm just lost in a dream
# I'm just lost in a dream
# I'm just lost in a dream #
# Forsake me
# To heaven
# You take me
# Don't try to wake me
# I'm just lost in a dream
# I know that you won't
# Forsake me
# To heaven
# You take me
# Don't try to wake me
# I'm just lost in a dream
# I'm just lost in a
# Dream #
- And three, thank you.
- Thank you.
(Girl) Ouch!
- Ow.
- Keep still.
Look, do you mind, you're hurting.
It's all part of the training.
None of us is bloody perfect.
Get your head in there.
Come on, get a move on.
I say, steady on!
- Shouldn't I have a hairnet?
- Course not, it doesn't matter.
- You always had small tits and a big bum?
- Sorry?
Thought so.
I've put you on gas mark four...
back in two days, all right?
(Girl) Can I have a magazine?
Standing side by side.
If you know anything about skipping
you'll know that this is quite fascinating.
Stand side by side
and place your near arm
round your partner's waist.
I do this with my friend Doris.
Or you can hold inside hands.
We do that too.
The swing of the rope
must be from the wrist in both cases
otherwise the rope will not turn evenly.
And you can have formation skipping teams
of any number.
Would you like to join?
Have I got nice tits
or have I got nice tits?
I've got better tits than her.
At least I don't wear bloody falsies.
- Chevely Wonder.
- Seven to two.
- Ought to go.
- How much?
- A dollar.
- All right.
- And cross double it with the other two.
- OK.
Lynda?
I think you're done, dear.
It's awfully hot under here.
It's always like that.
- Bugger!
- There's a very unpleasant smell.
- Don't fidget!
- You didn't give me a magazine.
You're getting a free bloody perm,
what do you expect?
Fine.
Good.
Yes. Yes.
- Yes. You pleased with that?
- Yes, thank you.
Oh.
Look.
Look at my hair!
Look what you've done to my hair!
Oh, I don't know.
It looks nice. It's nice.
Look at it! Look at it!
Oh, shut up, you silly fat cow!
You can always wear a hat.
Lynda, come with me.
(Sobs)
People just don't want to hear
a lot of filthy talk
when they're having a perm.
Come on, out.
- I did not swear at her.
- It's unprofessional and disgusting.
Only took it on to please you.
Look there. Up there.
There's an opening waiting.
All yours. Security for life.
This town's full of women
crying out for perms.
- Hello, Dad.
- Hello, Margaret.
- Hello, Lynda.
- Oh, bugger off.
Watch your... Just watch it.
Ever since you were a child,
you and your disgusting mouth.
Thank you very much.
- There's something wrong with you, my girl.
- I'm bloody bored.
Language.
(Knocks on glass)
- Cod or haddock, what do you want?
- Cod.
Dog.
Elizabeth! Lynda, look.
Look, Margaret, look there.
That's your dad!
Come on, Margaret.
Millie.
Hello, brother.
Hello, prettiness.
You get prettier every day.
Got a kiss for your father?
Is that Lynda?
Take that off, Lynda. Take it off!
Have you brought us any presents?
Where's that kiss for your dad, Lynda?
(Millie) No, I don't believe it. When?
Well, this was before the war.
No! I don't believe it.
Spectacular.
(Woman) On one of the liners?
(Dad) That's correct.
(Woman) Oh,
I just don't believe it, do you?
(Millie) I don't think
the man would lie to us, Joan.
(Joan) Oh no, I mean,
I just can't believe it.
(Dad) Nor can I. (Millie) I can.
(Joan) Oh, you only say that
because you never liked her.
(Millie) Who? (Joan) You.
(Millie) Never liked who?
(Joan) Gracie Fields!
(Millie) I think she screaks.
(Joan) For goodness' sake!
(Dad) Oh, come on!
Your father has cut...
Gracie Fields's hair, how about that then?
Shampoo, set and trim.
- (Joan) Shampoo, set and trim.
- They don't know what you're talking about.
- What?
- They think you're off your rocker.
Don't you?
- (Joan) Our Gracie.
- (Mouths)
(Man laughs theatrically)
That's Gracie Fields.
- (Millie) Hardly.
- I'll get some more water.
- Show them the picture, Hubert.
- I was going to.
- She gave me this.
- Ohh, look at that!
- Very nice.
- I've not seen this before.
Of course not, woman.
- Can I read what it says?
- That's a lock of her hair.
- (Joan) It's not!
- It is.
"To Hubert,."
"With thanks and good wishes..."
"Gracie Fields."
Lynda just said "up your bum".
And "pig's willy".
Out!
- Go on, out!
- Hubert...
- Out.
- Don't be hard on the girl.
I have not travelled the oceans of the
world to come home to language like that.
Bed!
What's the matter?
What's all the fuss about, eh?
I wish he hadn't come home.
I wish he'd stayed at sea
with bloody Gracie Fields.
- Hey, no cycling!
- Up your bum.
Lynda! Lynda!
Say hello to your Uncle Harry.
- Give us a chance.
- Hello, Lynda.
- Your Uncle Harry...
- Uncle Harry.
Your Uncle Harry's got a job for you.
You start tomorrow.
(Harry) If you want it.
(Hubert) She wants it.
- Start tomorrow at eight.
- You'd better get home to bed then.
Good. See you at eight,
get you started.
I'm sure you'll be very happy.
Where?
Where do I have to be tomorrow at eight?
The garage, the bus company.
(Men wolf whistle and cheer)
Hello.
- Hello?
- (Lynda laughs)
What are you laughing at?
It's hot.
Warm work, riding bikes.
I fancy you, actually.
You can take me to the pictures,
there's a Betty Grable film on.
You can take me if you want.
Yeah, maybe.
Do you think I've got
legs like Betty Grable?
I don't know.
If you take me on Saturday night,
I'll buy my own ticket.
All right.
Bye!
Brian?
Betty Grable!
(Laughter)
- Hello.
- Hello.
I haven't seen you here before.
- No.
- Why not?
I've not been here, have I, drip.
- (Horn hoots)
- Would you like to come dancing?
- The Rex, Saturday night.
- Lynda.
I'm a good dancer.
I can't, I've already got a date.
Morning, Mr Figgis.
This way please, you're late.
- You don't know what you're missing.
- Neither do you.
It's not Betty Grable.
What?
It's not Betty Grable.
This is not a Betty Grable film.
I know...
dri-p.
Starting something I can't finish.
Giving you happiness
for a little while and...
- and...
- Oh, darling...
happiness such as we can have
is worth grasping,
even if it's only for a day, an hour.
If you stand on the highest peak
for one moment
you've had what most people
strive in vain for all their lives.
(Woman) If only I could believe it.
(Man) Darling, listen to me.
You say you've only a few months.
How long has anyone in the world?
How long have I?
A month, a year? Well, perhaps
I'll get away with it altogether
and so may you.
But we're all living dangerously.
There isn't an certainty any more.
There's just today
and the hope of tomorrow.
Oh, darling.
Please, let's...
let's take all the happiness we can
while we can.
Don't be afraid.
(Woman) All right, my darling.
I won't be afraid.
I'll never be afraid any more.
(Lynda sobs)
What's the matter, Lynda?
What's the matter?
(Lynda sobs)
Lynda.
Lynda?
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
I liked it, it was nice, silly bugger!
Now then, now then, none of that here!
- Steady on!
- What do you think you're doing?
- This is a picture palace, not a brothel.
- I'm sorry, sir, very sorry.
I'll be talking to your parents.
Oh, please! It won't happen again.
It's disgusting.
Oh, sod the pair of you!
I'll be talking to your father.
Bloody good luck to you!
Here, get off before I kick your arse.
Go on, or I'll kick your arse!
Yes, sir?
(Cheering)
And... they go right up to my belly button.
Marks and Spencer's, do you like them?
- (Loud cheer)
- Look nice, don't they?
(Whistling, applause)
Do you like my suspenders?
What about your knickers?
(Men roar and whistle)
Stop! Stop this! Out!
- You're fired.
- (Men boo)
- You're all fired.
- (Loud cheer)
No, no, no you're not.
Just you, you're fired.
- (Men jeer)
- You lot, out!
Back to the buses. Get back!
But I was only showing them
my new knickers, Mr Figgis. Look!
(Men cheer)
(Man) #...Upstairs and downstairs
# In my lady's chamber
# Goosey, goosey, gander
# Where did I wander?
# Upstairs and downstairs
# In my lady's chamber
# Then I saw an old man
# Didn't say his prayers
# Took him by the left leg
# And threw him down the stairs
# Goosey, goosey, gander
# Where did I wander? #
Your father says you've, er,
sworn constantly since you were a child.
My first word was bum.
Really?
- He's very worried about your, er...
- Swearing.
Yes, that's right, and your...
your behaviour.
As I said, I'm, er...
- I'm here to help you.
- That's nice.
Mm.
Once we discover
what kind of help you need.
Good.
Do you know what a psychiatrist is?
- No.
- You don't?
Do you resent coming here?
No, why should I?
I thought it'd make a nice day out.
I tell you what we'll do, Lynda.
Do you mind if I call you Lynda?
I prefer that to Beryl.
Is Beryl your second name?
No!
I tell you what we'll do.
Let's go through the alphabet.
We'll start at A.
Best place.
And I want you to tell me
all the swear words you know
beginning with A.
- Then we'll go on to, er...
- B.
And so on. Do you get the picture?
So... A. The letter A.
- Arse.
- Arse. Good.
Do you really want me to do this?
- You feel foolish, do you, when you swear?
- No...
only when I'm sat here like this.
- Do you feel guilty?
- What about?
Let's go on. Arse...
Hole.
- Hole?
- Arse.
- Hole.
- Yeah, that's it.
Ah, good, yes.
- And holes.
- Holes.
Of course.
Let's move on to B.
Leave those behind, ha ha.
B.
- Bloody, bastard, bugger, bum.
- Very good.
- And holes.
- Holes.
- Bum.
- Holes.
Yes, of course, very good.
Now, Lynda... C.
We missed balls.
So we did, never mind. C.
(Click)
- No.
- Take your time.
Can't think of nothing.
Think very hard now.
The letter C.
Something very filthy.
Very, very dirty.
Cacka?
Cacka?
Cacka. Pooh-poohs.
- Are you feeling ashamed?
- What of?
- What you're really thinking.
- I'm not thinking anything.
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.
Very well then. D.
- Damn.
- Precisely.
F. The letter F.
- We've missed out E.
- There isn't one with E.
- There might be.
- There isn't, take my word for it.
- We could give it a try.
- F.
Can you think of a filthy,
dirty, smutty word,
beginning with F.
- Not too hard, I should think, Lynda.
- No.
- Come on, come on, of course you can.
- I can't.
Of course you can. I can, anybody can.
Well, what then? You tell me.
You must be one of the last people
on earth not to know.
Everybody knows a swear word with F.
Then, what are you asking me for?
Because I want to hear you say it.
You dirty old bugger.
It is difficult to be sure
without further investigations
but I would conjecture
that something has happened to Lynda
during the course of her adolescence.
Her mother died when she was eleven
- would that have anything to do with it?
- Possibly.
What can I do?
I'm ashamed of her, Doctor,
she's an embarrassment.
- Is there nothing you can do?
- She's a difficult case.
Can you make
some more appointments for her?
- Will it cost the same for each visit?
- Yes, it will.
Then I'm not sure that it's worth it.
(Band plays)
(Applause)
Thank you, thank you.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
we have a star number for you
from our feature vocalist, Rudy Stephenson.
And he's going to sing
for all you sweethearts and lovers.
And also for Trevor Wilson
and Tessa Phipps
- who became engaged today.
- (Feedback)
Thank you. We'd like you
to dance nice and close together,
as Rudy gives you his own
very special rendition
of that all-time
favourite, Lost In A Dream.
# When it comes to dreams
# Love has always played the leading part
# I don't play for dimes and nickels
# I don't play to be the last
# When it comes to love
# I shoot first, shoot to kill
# I aim straight for the heart
# You won't forsake me
# To heaven you'll take me
# Don't try to wake me
# I'm just lost in a dream
# Don't try to wake me
# Cos I'm just lost in a dream #
This is my grandma's bedroom.
That's your grandma's bed.
What did you, er, tell your Dad?
I'm staying with my friend, Pauline.
Where's your gran?
Tunbridge Wells.
She's gonna leave me
this house in her will.
You all right in there?
- I'll be out in a minute.
- You've been in there bloody hours.
You get into bed.
I might fall asleep.
Cor...
look at you.
Do you fancy me?
Not half as much as you fancy yourself.
What kind of cigarette is that?
Du Maurier.
- Really?
- They're the best.
Toothpaste.
I'm going to make love to you.
Do bloody hope so.
Like you've never been made love to before.
Shouldn't be too difficult.
I'm going to do it to you...
right now.
I might have a baby. I just thought
I'd mention it before we go too far.
No chance.
I'm not so dolly dumb as I look, you know.
Don't worry.
Dave thinks of everything.
Oh, Durrex!
- Durex.
- My dad sells these, what are they for?
To stop you having babies.
What?
Crafty bugger!
No wonder he hides them
under the counter.
Ugh!
You don't have to eat them, do you?
(Laughs) No.
They're plonkers.
What the Yanks call condoms.
You've been done mate.
There's not one in this packet.
That's cos I'm wearing it.
Are you?
Yes, I am.
Oh! So you are.
Come on, Dave, quick, let's do it.
- Hang on.
- (Lynda laughs)
- What are you laughing at?
- I'm not, I'm not...
(Carries on laughing)
Ooh, ow!
(Grunts)
What do we do now?
Oh, Lynda...
Any more fares...
please!
Oh.
That was quick.
Did you like it?
Oh, it was nice, but, um,
quicker than I expected.
Don't worry.
Is it always as quick as that?
No, don't worry,
you'll get the hang of it.
We've got all night.
That's good.
Then you'd better swallow
another one of these.
What was that?
(Knock)
Oh, my God, who is it?
- Bloomin' heck!
- Dave, who is it?
It's my dad!
Wait a second.
(Doorbell)
If it's my dad, tell him I'm not here!
(Man) David!
It's me uncle.
(Man) Are you in there, David?
Oh, my God!
- I'll have to let him in.
- No!
- Under, quick.
- What?!
Get under the bed.
Come on quick!
He's got a key.
If he's got a key, what's he knocking
on the bloody door for?
(Man) You up there, David?
What you doing
in your grandmother's bed?
(Dave) What's it look like?
Does your grandma know
you're sleeping in her bed?
(Dave) Course she does.
If she comes back and finds you
in her bed, there'll be trouble.
- (Dave) Yeah, all right, so what?
- Mitch!
I've been given to understand
you brought a girl home here last night.
(Dave) What?
- Mitch!
- (Dave) Who told you that?
Never you mind.
- (Dave) I went dancing last night.
- At the Rex.
(Dave) but I never brought
no girl home, Uncle Brian, not me.
I wouldn't dream of such a thing,
Uncle Brian.
(Brian) I should hope not.
You should be up, this time of day.
You should be out doing something.
(Dave) Where have you been, church?
(Uncle Brian) Taking the dog for a walk.
Keeping an eye on things.
- The bloody dog's got one of your plonkers!
- I know!
- Come on, for God's sake.
- (Doorbell)
- Sorry.
- Your dad in?
- What do you want?
- Dad in?
No. He's not back yet.
Not back yet?
Do you mind if I come in?
Stand there like a bloody dummy,
I don't care.
I don't know where he is.
I never said you did.
So what are you staring at, then?
You, er... You gonna take up
hairdressing like your dad?
No, thanks.
- Reckon you could give me a trim?
- Get the pudding basin.
I'll give it a try.
So, you're the troublesome one eh?
- What do you mean?
- (Mimics) What do you mean?
That's what your dad says.
Says you're a troublesome bugger.
He can't wait to get rid of you.
Why are you limping?
What do you mean?
You got something the matter
with your leg?
No, why?
You got something the matter with yours?
I don't think so, no.
Think you're it, don't you, hm?
- What do you mean?
- (Mimics) What do you mean?
Troublesome bugger.
Think you're God's gift, don't you?
I think I'm all right,
thank you very much.
I think you're all the same.
Don't know what you've got it for.
All you young girls...
you're scared...
all talk.
Scared of a real man, ain't you? Eh?
You bugger.
You dirty bugger.
Where's your sister? Eh?
Girl Guides, she's gone to Girl Guides.
(Door opening)
I'll see you later out the back
when the pub's shut.
That's what you think.
Hubert!
Oh, Eric, how did we do?
- Not so bad, not so bad.
- I want a word with you.
- I'm going out.
- Are you?
Great Eastern, Blue Boy, Tee's Delight.
On the nose, cross doubles and a treble.
- Every one a winner.
- Very nice, very nice.
(Lynda) Very nice.
Here...
sixteen pounds there.
Seven and... six.
You're a toff. Here.
- Oh, thanks.
- Stay for a drink?
Oh, no, no, got to push on.
(Lynda) Got to push on.
- Come on, parrot.
- Parrot.
- Show the man to the door.
- Yes, Dad.
- She's a lovely girl, isn't she?
- You think so?
- Oh, yeah, lovely girl.
- Then make me an offer.
Eh? (Laughs)
Ha ha.
Make me an offer!
No reasonable offer refused.
- Half a dollar, on the nose?
- Done.
(Both laugh)
- Hope your finger stinks.
- I'll see you later.
Cock off.
Hey!
Hey! Where do you think you're going?
Out!
- Oh, no, you're not.
- Oh, yes, I am.
You're not, I'm telling you, you're not.
You stay in for a change.
I stay in, look after boring you know who,
you go to the pub or club... lovely.
Wrong. Freemasons.
Same thing. Yap, yap, yap, yap.
Bit of this, bit of that, then on to
the pub or club with Long John Silver.
It's all bloody boozing.
Lynda, I don't want to hear it, I won't
have that kind of talk! Do you hear?
Get rid of me then.
Make me an offer, ha ha.
You keep away from bus conductors.
Bus conductor!
Look at you, that's just about your...
I'm ashamed to be your father.
Oh, cock off!
Hey! You're not too old madam!
Remember that!
- Your bike's on fire.
- Up your bum!
You'll have to wait a bloody long time,
Mr Stinky Finger,
parrot chops, Long John Silver.
# Up your bum, up your bum,
up your bum, up your bum #
Up your bum, Mr Long John Silver.
# Up your bum, up your bum
# Up... your... bum
(Loudly) # Up your bum
# Up your bum, up your bum
# Up your bum, up your bum,
bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
# Up your bum, up your bum!
# Up your bum, up your bum, up your bum!
# Up your bum!
# Up your bum, up your bum!
# Up your bum, up your bum!
Up your bum!
# Up your bum! #
What's going on down there?
Just trying to find the cat, Mrs Fartley.
Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Oh! Ooh!
- Next.
- Two sixes ple...
Can I have two sixes, please?
Two sixes.
Open or closed?
Er, open please.
Two sixes, a shilling please.
- Sorry I haven't got anything, er, bigger.
- No bother, we can use the change.
Next.
(Man) I want two cod and fours,
a cod and six, a plaice and six
two threes,
three fours and a couple of sixes.
All with crispy bits.
- Open or closed?
- Closed.
Two cod and four, a cod and six,
- what else?
- A plaice and six,
two threes, three fours
and a couple of sixes,
- all with crispy bits.
- Please!
Please.
Cock off.
Dave?
I'll see you later.
Hello, Lynda.
There, you bugger,
that's for you.
Lynda, I'm sorry.
Too bloody late.
(Woman laughs)
(Indistinct speech, woman giggles)
(Woman) Ooh!
Hello, it's me,
troublesome bugger, remember?
- About bloody time.
- Cheeky sod.
- What are you hanging about here for?
- Collecting bets.
Come and stand over by this wall.
Shh. This way.
Come on!
Come on, hurry up.
Have you got a match?
Can I have my matches back?
Mr Mingy.
What's this?
There.
How many you had on there?
Oh, a few.
- How many bus conductors?
- Oh, loads.
I'm not fussy,
that's why I'm here with you.
- So, you had a bust-up with your boyfriend.
- Word gets round quick.
All the little tongues go
clack, clack, clack.
What's all this then?
I come here to sleep,
to escape my dad
and boring bloody sister.
Who with?
You.
What you got down there, then?
- Don't know, have to have a look.
- (Mimics) Have a look?
Do you love me?
No, I don't love anybody,
not even meself.
Bloody hell.
Come on.
- Think you're it, don't you?
- You said that before.
Then I must be right.
You don't know how lucky you are,
I'm practically a virgin.
You've still got your pants on.
Not for long.
(Door opens)
Oh, my God, it's my dad.
- It's my dad!
- (Whispers) Quiet!
Oh!
I'm very sorry, madam, the, er...
the gate was open
and I thought you might have intruders.
Beg your pardon.
Oh my God, bloody hell.
If he wakes my dad, we're both dead!
I thought it was him, I really did.
(Whispers) Don't light the candle,
if he come out here we're dead.
Shut up and come down here.
- Oh, my heart.
- Come here.
I'm shaking like a bag of jelly, can
you feel? We left the bloody gate open.
What's the worry? Forget it.
- I thought it was him.
- What's it matter?
I can take care of your old man
you take care of mine.
- Oh, thank God it wasn't him.
- What's it matter?
- He don't care.
- Who?
Your dad.
Can't wait to get shut of you.
(Laughs) Half a dollar.
- That's what you think.
- That's what I know.
- What do you mean?
- (Mimics) What do you mean?
He told me.
He can't wait to get rid of you.
Says you're a bloody nuisance,
which you are.
He's fed up looking after you.
Big girl like you,
should be looking after yourself.
So what if he does come in here?
I don't care.
Mm?
Can't do it now.
- Why not?
- I'm scared.
- You're not leaving here until you do.
- You have to wear a plonker.
Uh-uh.
I'm not doing it unless you do.
- You don't know what you're missing.
- No plonker, no nookie.
Look, I'm an expert,
I know what I'm doing, I'll look after you.
Look, I'm a cowboy,
didn't you know that, eh?
The best bare-back riders in town.
# There's some cotton thread and needles
for the folks away up yonder
# A shovel for a miner
who left his home to wander
# Some rheumatism pills
for the settlers in the hills
# Get along, mule! Get along #
Big finish.
# Get along, mule, get along! #
(Cheers)
That was wonderful!
Truly wonderful.
I have to give you a big kiss for that.
Come here!
- You should be a professional.
- Oh, I am, I am.
You too, Harry.
Any more, any more?
What about you, Auntie Millie?
Oh, I suppose so, why not?
You make me sound like some old woman.
You too, Joan.
Oh, I thought you'd
have to have a go at me.
He's not fussy.
And...
the lovely Lynda.
(Laughs)
Isn't she lovely?
Lovely.
# In, out, in, out, shake it all about
# You do the hokey cokey
and you turn around
# And that's what it's all about #
# Oh, hokey cokey cokey!
# Oh, hokey cokey cokey!
# Oh, hokey cokey cokey!
# Knees bend, arms stretch, ra ra ra! #
Your mother wouldn't approve.
Pity she's not here to say.
She'd have shown you the door.
I've seen it.
(Sighs)
I'm a respected man, Lynda.
A freemason.
I know that doesn't mean much to you.
Why should it?
I'm not here to be made
a bloody fool of, Lynda.
There's such thing as dignity.
(Sighs)
You seem to think you're smart
but I'm afraid you'll
end up the bloody fool.
Just don't do it in my house.
I don't want to be witness
to that kind of spectacle.
What about Maisie Mathews?
I'm a man.
I don't know why you've turned out
the way you have.
(Whispers) God knows!
You're... You're in such a rush.
Why be in such a rush about it all?
I've left him.
- Who?
- Who? Him!
And my boring bloody sister.
She said she wants to join the army.
I thought she meant the Sally Army,
but she means the army.
- How'd you get in?
- It's not locked, is it?
You said you wanted me through the night.
You've got me now.
Father's blessing. Good riddance.
Can bugger off if you want.
Now...
(Sighs) Come here.
Cuddle me, please.
I'll clear up.
It's a bloody mess in here.
You stink of booze and fags.
You stink of chip fat.
It's this.
No, it's not.
Take it off.
You'd better take this off and all.
I can just fit you in before
the Novices Handicap at Kempton.
(Sobs)
Oh, come on, come on. What's all the fuss?
Hold me, please. Just hold me.
What's the matter?
Gone off it, have you?
Not going to do it any more?
No!
We'll have to ring the papers about that,
won't we?
- I'll go to Bournemouth.
- You what?
You what? Bournemouth.
If you don't want me, I'll run away
to bloody Bournemouth.
Course I want you.
They don't have fish and chip shops
in Bournemouth, you know.
Or sheds.
Now, what would you do
without fish and chips,
sheds and my old man, eh?
- (Lynda sobs)
- Come on.
- Come on.
- (Sobs)
Come on, lovey.
(# F?r Elise)
Hold it still, ladies. Stay still.
Hold it just like that, ladies.
Very still.
Thank you.
- (Clears throat)
- Oh!
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, madam.
- Thank you so much.
Can I help you, sir?
Cup of tea, please.
We don't serve cups of tea, sir.
Only pots, that's teapots, not piss pots,
although we can always make exceptions.
If you want a cup of tea
you must go to the caff
with all the other riffraff.
- This is a caf?.
- Pot of tea then.
(Whispers) Smart arse.
- Language.
- And a bit of cake.
Or a bun.
Bath bun, Chelsea bun, currant bun,
honey bun, up your bum.
Fairy buns, seed cake,
cherry cake, fruit cake,
ginger cake, Eccles cake,
teacake, lemon cakes,
Swiss rolls, dinkie rolls,
jam sandwiches, macaroons,
cheese straws and scones.
I'll just have the tea.
Please.
- Please.
- Thank you.
- Him, there. Can you see?
- Yeah.
All right, serve him, will you, Vickie?
And if he asks where I've gone,
tell him I've gone to Singa-bloody-pore.
Tea, sir.
Where's the...
Where's the other young lady?
- Pardon?
- Where's the waitress who took my order?
Oh, you mean the waitress
who took your order, sir.
That's right.
She's got an urgent call
and had to leave, sir.
Where to?
Singa-bloody-pore, sir.
(Lynda and Vickie laughing)
There he is.
There he is. There he is.
He thinks I've gone to Singa-bloody-pore!
(Both laugh)
- Lynda!
- (Giggling)
Sh!
Lynda.
I wish he'd clear off.
(Laughing)
Go away! Clear off!
Lynda!
Lynda!
Why don't you just bugger off? Go away!
Can't you see where you're not wanted?
I don't need none of you, just bugger off!
Lyndie!
Lyndie, oh, I say!
Never called me Lyndie before.
Must be after something.
Ha, bloody, ha!
But I miss you. I came to see you.
- I bet I know what you're missing!
- Look, you just cleared off!
I come back, you'd gone.
I thought you'd still be
there, I really did.
Oh... just bugger off,
I don't want to think about it.
What's to think about?
Come on, I'll take you for a drink.
- You're just after your oats.
- And your mate.
I'll take you both for a drink...
a meal, if you want.
Oh, look out, Vickie,
he's after the two of us.
- Ahh, I bet you're missing it as well.
- Do you?
How much?
How much do you want to bet?
I wouldn't want to take your money.
Lynda up the duff, then,
what odds do you put on that,
eh, Mr Clever Dick, eh?
Oh, look, that's shut his gob.
That's put a crease in his brand-new suit!
- I don't believe you.
- Don't you?
- You're joking!
- Am I?
I don't believe you.
- How?
- How what?
How do you know?
You're the one that should know!
You put it up me, Mr Bareback Rider.
You knew when you were gonna spunk.
How the hell was I supposed to know?
No, you soft cow,
I mean how do you know?
- Are you sure?
- You're the one all eyes.
- Look! Can't you see?
- No, I can't.
All you see is tits and arses.
- Have you seen a doctor?
- Huh!
Then how do you know it's mine?
If it walks with a limp
and thinks with its prick, then it's yours.
But how do you know?
I don't know that, do I?
- You stupid...
- (Vickie) Lynda!
- Get off!
- Lynda!
- Get off!
- (Lynda) Get off of me! Get off!
(Eric) Lynda!
(Vickie) Lynda, stop it!
(Lynda) Leave me alone!
(Eric) Piss off, you...
(Lynda) Leave... me... alone!
(Eric) Piss off!
Whoops-a-daisy.
Lynda, come on.
Here we are.
Where's the paper?
(Whispers) This is it.
Doesn't look too bad.
What does she do? Did Doris say?
No.
- Is it knitting needles and all that?
- I don't know.
How much?
Where am I gonna get that sort of money?
Come on, let's go and have a cup of tea.
- (Crash)
- Oh, sorry madam. I'm sorry.
Yes, what do you want?
Can I help you, sir?
From the moment you walked
through that door I thought,
"That's my daughter and she's a slut!"
Thank you, sir. Will that be all, sir?
Don't be clever, Lynda. From where
I'm sitting you don't look clever.
I know why you're here
and I don't want to discuss it.
So, do you want a pot of tea
or would you just prefer to clear off?
- I'm disgusted, Lynda.
- With lemon, sir?
I thought I could have a perfectly
reasonable conversation with you.
- I thought I could come here and...
- I don't want you here, I'm at work.
And I've got Hermann Goebbels
breathing down my neck, just clear off!
I thought we could have a reasonable
conversation but all I wanna do is clout you.
(Lynda) Would you like
a pot of tea first, sir?
Listen to you and your mouth,
look where it's got you.
Dad, I can't discuss it.
Will you just go away, I need this job!
- You're going to need more than a job.
- Oh, please, just bugger off!
Is anything the matter, Miss Mansell?
- Is everything to your satisfaction, sir?
- No, it's not.
(Mimics manager)
Is everything to your satisfaction, sir?
You see, what can you do?
- How do you put up with it?
- Oh, shut up!
This is disgraceful. Go
to the kitchen immediately, Miss Mansell.
No, I won't go to the kitchen.
Stuff the bloody kitchen.
- Just watch your mouth!
- Please!
This is what it's like, you see,
this is what you get.
- Now you can begin to see my side of it.
- Oh, please, just bugger off!
- Now, please!
- I said please.
- Do you see?
- Look, what is going on?
- I've given her a lot of time...
- Please, sir!
- Made a lot of sacrifices.
- Oh, God!
- Though, God knows, you wouldn't think it.
- What are you staring at, you old bag?
Please. Mrs... Madam... please!
- Well, she is an old bag!
- That is enough!
- Lynda!
- Allow me to apologise.
She whinges about everything.
Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, every bloody day.
That is enough.
Language, please!
Well, it's true,
what's wrong with the truth?
You're fired! You are dismissed.
- Get out!
- No, I won't!
This one goes around
with his brown nose up in the air,
down on the carpet,
la-di-dah this, la-di-dah that.
The cook spits in the buns
and we all piss in the teapots.
- That is enough. Out!
- She's a bad lot, and that's the truth.
Nothing but trouble,
that's the way it's always been.
- This is my father speaking.
- Since she could speak, she's uttered filth.
From the day she uttered her first word
her tongue has caused nothing but trouble.
- This is my father.
- Sometimes I doubt it.
- An insult to my dead mother.
- I'm sorry but this cannot go on.
I'm up the duff! That's what's up his nose!
I'm pregnant! In the club!
Right, that's it! That's enough!
A man's willy has entered my person
- and left a little visitor behind.
- Get down!
- This is a matter for the police.
- This is the man
- who once gave one to Gracie Fields.
- Down!
I'm calling the police.
- A member of the British Legion.
- Get down!
- Am I the only one who does it?
- This is not my daughter.
- What do you lot do, eh?
- Not my daughter.
- What do you play with in bed at night?
- I disown her!
Hands up all those that like willies, I do!
The police are coming.
- Balls!
- Ladies and Gentlemen...
I would like to apologise
for this disgraceful display...
So what, I'm up the duff, who cares?
- I will settle.
- I like willies!
- Get her down!
- All these teas on me. Right?
Sex! All of you! All you old bags look as if
you could do with a nice bit of hot willy!
- Get her down!
- Sex!
(Loud crash)
(Boy) It's getting kind of close to the
New Year and I'm feeling sentimental.
I'm going to sing a song
that means a lot to me and...
somebody else.
And if you don't like
it that's just too bad.
After all, I own the joint.
# It had to be you
# It had to be you
# I wandered around
# Finally found the somebody who
# Could make me be true
# Could make me be blue
# And even be glad, just to be sad... #
How long is it now?
Three months, more or less.
It's not too late.
No.
What happened?
When?
Your father came home very sorry
for himself. Whatever happened?
Silly bugger.
I stood on a chair in the Paris Tea Rooms
and shouted.
I can't remember what I said.
It was terrible.
He offered to pay for everyone's teas.
You didn't need to do that...
not to your father.
I'm not coming back, you know.
No matter what.
Where you gonna go then?
Who's gonna want you with a baby?
Where you gonna live?
- Not in that dump.
- Nobody's asking you to, my dear.
Things like this don't happen
in that sort of town.
I can just see your father's face.
Go down well at the Freemasons.
He didn't have to stick with you, you know,
when your mum died.
Nor your sister.
- My boring bloody sister.
- Now, you leave her alone, she's all right.
Thank God she's not like you.
Two of you like that, my God!
He could have put you in a home,
you know.
Not many men would have done what he did
on his own with two young girls.
- He didn't love me.
- Oh, yes, he did.
He didn't show it.
You can't show that kind of thing,
not in this day and age.
You're a pretty young thing...
you're funny, but you're pretty.
You could get yourself a nice husband.
Somebody who'd really look after you.
Do you think?
Yeah, I do.
But not like that.
Who's going to want you like that?
It's not too late. Not yet.
Would you know where to go
if you wanted to get rid of it?
It's all right for you to say that.
It's not you that has to do it.
No, that's right, Lyndie, you're right.
What if I had it?
Then have it adopted.
You must've thought about it.
You keep that kid
and nobody'll want you.
Nobody'll want to know you,
nobody'll want to own you. Nobody.
Forget the whole thing, bury it.
Nobody need know a thing about it.
Christ, it's tough enough, you don't have to
go round banging your head with a hammer.
Look at me.
Look at your father.
Well, I'm hardly ancient, neither's he.
I lost Bill, he lost your mum
and we're on our own, stuck!
There's always enough pain.
What about Maisie Mathews?
Well, why shouldn't he?
What's he expected to do
the rest of his life?
I wish I had somebody.
I hope he used a plonker.
I'd hate to see what'd come out of her.
That's good advice, coming from you.
You're gonna have
to make your own mind up.
- I've got to go.
- Not yet.
It's the buses.
I spent ages waiting for you.
- I'm sorry.
- Here.
Now, think about what I said.
You've got to look after yourself, Lyndie.
Here.
Would you know where to go
if that's what you decided?
- To get rid of it?
- If that's what you decided.
I could find out.
I'm going to go, so just you take care.
(Man) There you go.
Hello, you lot. Hello, Brian.
Yes, it's mine.
All mine.
(Doorbell)
# When it comes to dreams
# Love has always played a leading part
# I don't play for dimes and nickels
# I don't play to be the last
# When it comes to love
# I shoot first, shoot to kill
# I aim straight for the heart
# You won't
# Forsake me
# To heaven
# You take me
# Don't try
# To wake me
# I'm just lost in a dream
# You won't
# Forsake me
# To heaven
# You take me
# Don't try
# To wake me
# I'm just lost in a dream
# I'm just lost in a dream
# I'm just lost in a dream #