Wilder Napalm (1993) - full transcript

Wilder and Wallace are brothers and pyrokinetics. Ever since childhood they've been able to start fires with their minds but following a tragedy in which they accidentally killed a man, the brothers have grown up very differently. Wilder has become a regular 9-5 workaday joe but Wallace performs his feats with a traveling circus. When the circus comes to Wilder's home town Wallace starts coming on strong to Wilder's wife, Vida who, ironically, is a slight pyromaniac.

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---
[whirring]

[man shouting]

♪♪[trumpet playing]

(snake lady)
"SO, YOU WANT TO MAKE IT
ON THE T.V. TALK SHOWS?

"YOU WANT TO BE THE TOAST
OF THE TONIGHT SHOW,

"THE DELIGHT
OF DAVID LETTERMAN,

"THE APPLE OF ARSENIO'S EYE?

"STYLE IS WHAT IT TAKES.

"STYLE IN ABUNDANCE.
THAT'S YOU, BABY.

"WHEN YOU COME ON,

"'MAKE SURE YOU
HUG THE A-MAN, '



SAYS CHRISTIAN SLATER..."

DAMN MOSQUITO.

"...ARSENIO INTIMATE.

"DWEEZIL ZAPPA SUGGESTS
A NOD TO THE POSSE.

"'IT LETS THE MUSICIANS
KNOW YOU'RE ONE OF THEM

"'AND SUGGESTS
TO THE HOME AUDIENCE

THAT YOU'RE PART
OF THE FAMILY.'"

JESUS, BIFF.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU WANT SOMEONE TO SEE?

WHAT DO YOU SAY, BIFF?

YOU'LL KICK ASS
IN THIS GETUP.

DR. NAPALM.

MAN, THIS IS SOME KIND
OF GOOD.

THE CAMERA WILL LOVE

AND CARESS YOU
IN THIS OUTFIT.



AND IT'S GOT IT'S
OWN BUILT-IN WAD

FOR THE FEMALE DEMOGRAPHIC.

THIS IS WHAT MYSELF
AND YOUR OTHER ASSISTANT
WILL BE WEARING.

IT'S STATE OF THE ART.

IT'LL TAKE SOMETHING
LIKE 1,100 DEGREES.

THESE THINGS RETAIL
FOR, LIKE, $6,000 APIECE,

BUT THIS GUY'S
GONNA LET ME TRADE

THE TILT-A-WHIRL AND
THE FLYING BOBS FOR THEM.

GOOD DEAL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHOA... WHOA. WAIT... WAIT
JUST ONE SECOND.

BIFF NEVER SAID WHO HIS
ASSISTANTS WERE GONNA BE.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
ONE OF THEM IS GONNA BE YOU?

'CAUSE THIS HERE SUIT
FITS ME LIKE A GLOVE.

NOT TO MENTION THE FACT
THAT I JUST COMMITTED
A MAJOR FELONY

AND RISKED MY JOB
BY TRADING OFF
2 CARNIVAL ATTRACTIONS

THAT I DON'T EVEN OWN.

SO WHY THE HELL SHOULDN'T
I BE HIS ASSISTANT?

I MEAN, RIGHT, BIFF?

[sputtering]

(snake lady)
DON'T, BIFF! DON'T!

POW!

[sighs]

[laughing maniacally]

♪♪[Moon River by Henry Mancini
playing over loud speakers]

(woman over P.A. system)
ATTENTION, PATRONS.

MIDLOTHIAN SHOPPING CENTER
IS NOW CLOSED FOR THE EVENING.

WE'LL BE BACK
TOMORROW AT 9:00.

SEE YOU THEN. AND GOD BLESS.

[beeping]

[car engine sputtering]

[birds chirping]

[sighs]

I THINK I GOT ALL
THE TICKS OUT OF 'EM.

YOU DO, HUH?

[both grunting]

[moaning]

OH, LET'S MAKE IT UP
ON THE ROOF!

NO, NO.

I TOLD YOU, WE'RE NOT
DOING IT ON THE ROOF.

KITCHEN TABLE?

THERE'S NOT ENOUGH...

MMM?
NOT ENOUGH ROOM.

WE COULD PUT
THE LEAF IN.

[panting]

OK.

WHERE'S THE LEAF?
OH, I DON'T KNOW!

YOU HAD IT LAST!
IS IT UNDER THE TRAILER?

I WOULDN'T PUT IT
UNDER THE TRAILER.

IT WOULD DRY-ROT
UNDER THE TRAILER.

VIDA, WE HAVE A BED.

LET'S USE IT
LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE.

[laughing]

OH, WILDER, 3 MORE DAYS
IN THIS PLACE.

3 MORE DAYS AND I'M FREE.
I CAN GO ANYWHERE I WANT.

GO TO THE CITY,

SEE SOME DINNER THEATER,
HEAR THE SYMPHONY.

[sighs]

NO. DON'T... DON'T
MESS WITH IT.

PLEASE?

I REALLY WANT TO.

I REALLY DO.

OK.

OH!

MMM!

OH, ARE YOU GONNA LOOK
IN THE CLOSET FOR THE LEAF?

FORGET THE TABLE.

I'M NOSTALGIC
FOR A BED.

[Vida laughs]

[ringing]

[gasping]

[birds chirping]

WELL, THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

[laughing]

♪♪[String Quartet No. 3
by Mozart playing]

WHOOPS!

YOU GOT A LITTLE
16TH NOTE LEFT ON YOU.

VIDA, I HAVE TO
GO TO WORK.

[clearing throat]

KIERKEGAARD, 17 ACROSS.

THANKS.

LAST NIGHT, I DREAMT
WE WERE ELVIS AND ANN-MARGRET

IN VIVA LAS VEGAS.

AGAIN?

UH-HUH.

ONLY THIS TIME
YOU WERE BOOKED IN THIS

SORT OF HOTEL-CASINO
TYPE THING.

IT WAS SORT OF
HOT AND DIMLY LIT.

IT REMINDED ME
OF NO EXIT BY SARTRE.

AND WE WERE LIKE PRISONERS.
WE WERE HELD CAPTIVE

UNLESS AND UNTIL
YOU WOULD SING.

AND, I MEAN,
YOU WERE ELVIS,

SO IT WASN'T LIKE
YOU COULDN'T SING.

BUT YOU WOULDN'T DO IT.

SO I WAS STANDING THERE
SAYING:

"OH, COME ON, KING.
JUST SING A SONG ALREADY."

AND YOU WERE SAYING,
"NO, THANKS, MA'AM.

"I THINK I'LL JUST STICK WITH
THIS VALET-PARKING THING.

UH-HUH! UH-HUH!"

YOU THINK
THAT MEANS SOMETHING?

LIGHT MY CIGARETTE.

NO MATCHES, BABY.

ALL RIGHT,

TAKE IT OUT
OF YOUR MOUTH.

NO. LIVE DANGEROUSLY, WILDER.

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

COME ON.

[rumbling]

[gasping]
OH!

SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOU.

OH, GOD, WILDER.

SO IS 362 DAYS
OF HOUSE ARREST.

IF YOU JUST CAME OUT
WITH THIS THING,
WE COULD BE RICH.

YOU'D BE AN EMPEROR.

YOU COULD BE GRUPPENFUHRER.

THEY WOULD MAKE YOU
A MAYAN SUN GOD.

IT'S JUST A DAMN
PARLOR TRICK.

THAT'S ALL IT'S GOOD FOR.

SO YOU KEEP SAYING.

GOD DAMN!

♪♪[cello playing]

HEY, BABY,

IF I JUST CALLED YOU UP
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY

AND ASKED YOU TO DROP
EVERYTHING AND COME HOME,
WOULD YOU DO IT?

[car engine sputters]

NOT IF THE HOUSE WAS BURNING
TO THE GROUND, VIDA.

♪♪[Moon River
by Henry Mancini playing]

♪ BRASS NOZZLES

♪ SECRET FIRE TRUCKS

♪ HYDRANTS, CANVAS HOSE

♪ AND SAFETY NETS ♪

[rattling]

[elephant trumpeting]

[trailers clanking]

COME ON, BOY!
WHY DON'T YOU COME ON?

AIN'T GOT ALL DAY!

COME ON! LET'S GET
THIS THING IN THE AIR!

YOU HEAR ME?
COME ON! CHOP-CHOP!

YOU'RE NOT GETTING PAID
TO PICK YOUR BUTT!

NOW GET OVER HERE!

WE'RE DOING
THIS ONE FIRST, ALL RIGHT?

[elephant trumpeting]

[grunting]

[bird cawing]

[beeping]

[siren wailing]

[fire engine siren wailing]

[horn honking]

[sighs]

[rumbling]

SHIT!

[growling]

SO, WHERE'S THE FIRE?

YOUR HOUSE. AGAIN!

[alarm wailing]

[sirens approaching]

[chattering]

[police radio chattering]

[alarm stops]

VIDA?

[sighs]

WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?

I WAS UP ON
THE ROOF EXERCISING,

AND AS NEAR AS I CAN FIGURE,

MY EMPTY DRINKING GLASS
MUST'VE FOCUSED THE SUN'S RAYS

IN SUCH A FASHION
AS TO IGNITE THE DRY GRASS.

TWICE IN 6 MONTHS.

OH, I KNOW!

VIDA, YOU HAVE BAD LUCK
WITH FIRE, DON'T YOU?

YES.

AND THAT'S WHY IT'S SO LUCKY
THAT I'M MARRIED TO A FIREMAN.

DON'T YOU THINK?

YES, VIDA.

BUT I TELL YOU,

THIS IS MIGHTY
SUSPICIOUS-LOOKING.

AND SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE UNDER
HOUSE ARREST FOR ARSON,

AND SEEING AS HOW YOU GOT
ONLY 3 DAYS LEFT...

NO, 2 DAYS.
DON'T COUNT TODAY.

2 DAYS.

I'D BE REAL CAREFUL
IF I WAS YOU.

I'D BE A REGULAR
SMOKEY THE BEAR.

YES, SIR, SHE WILL BE.

WILDER, WAIT!

[whispering]
WHAT THE HELL
WAS THIS ABOUT?

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

IT WAS A BOREDOM-INDUCED
ACCIDENT.

YOU JUST BETTER
WATCH YOUR STEP.

[moaning]

BRING HOME THE BOOTS
AND HELMET TONIGHT.

(man)
NUMBER 5 BOLT!

♪♪[Moon River
by Henry Mancini playing]

THAT'S GOOD!

COME ON UP!
COME ON UP!

[horn honking]

[hammering]

[metallic clanking]

[people chattering]

[music stops]

♪♪[music starts]

SO,

YOU GUYS HAVEN'T SEEN
EACH OTHER IN 5 YEARS?

NOT SINCE HE MARRIED HER.

WELL, DON'T MAKE IT 6.
WE'RE HERE.

JUST...

HONEY, JUST GO SAY HI.

TELL HIM ABOUT
BEING ON THE T.V.

[dog whining]

[dog barking]

HEY!

[trumpeting]

JUST TRY IT.

[grunting]

STAY.

(Carney)
COME ON! CINDY!

NO... NO.

[trumpeting]

HARK!

WILDER!

BURN HIM, BIFF.

WALLACE?

NO. NOT WHEN I'M IN MAKEUP.

IN MAKEUP, I'M BIFF.

BADASS BIFF.

BURN HIM, BIFF.

HE'S MY BROTHER, REX.

THEY KNOW
WHAT YOU CAN DO?

SURE DO.

HA! WHY,

WE'RE JUST ONE BIG OLD
THERMONUCLEAR FAMILY, WILDER!

(all)
THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH! SURE ARE.

CHRIST, WALLACE.

YOU'RE A CLOWN.

GOOD JOB.

WELL, YOU, TOO, WILDER.

PHOTO-BOOTH JOCKEY.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

KIND OF LIKE

THE MARLBORO MAN
OR SOMETHING.

[carnies laughing]

AND NICE RUG, WILDER.

GOOD LOOK FOR YOU.

REAL HAIR NEVER
GREW BACK, HUH?

I'M, UH, MMM,

REAL SORRY ABOUT THAT.

GO DROP YOUR PANTS
AND CHASE A DOUGHNUT,

YOU AND YOUR
SINGLE-HELIX FRIENDS.

OH, FELLAS!
WHAT DID I SAY WRONG?

HE'S GONE
ALL BALLISTIC ON ME.

[honking]

SO,

HOW'S VIDA?

STILL WITH ME.

OH, HELL, I KNEW THAT.

COMING INTO TOWN TODAY
WE SAW Y'ALL'S LOVE

BURNT ACROSS THE CLOUDS.
REAL METEOROLOGICAL
PHENOMENON.

YOU AND SWEET VIDA STILL
LIVING IN THAT TRAILER PARK?

HOMEY.

[laughing]
WHY, I THINK THAT'S JUST
THE PERFECT PLACE

TO JUST PLOP DOWN AND START
GRINDING OUT RUG RATS.

JUST BE DOMESTIC.

BUY SOME SPINNING DAISY
REFLECTORS FOR THE YARD.

LET THOSE BEAUTIFUL,
DIRTY-FACED LITTLE CHILDREN

JUST RUN AROUND
THE NEIGHBORHOOD
WITH NO PANTS ON.

"A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH,"
PROCLAIMS MY BROTHER,

THE CLOWN.

THIS GUY'S BEEN
BLOWING OUR FUSES

WITH HIS AIR CONDITIONER,
BIFF.

THIS AIR CONDITIONER?

DON'T DO IT.

IS THIS THE MACHINE
TO WHICH YOU REFER?

I SAID...

THIS BEAUTIFUL,
CLIMATE-CONTROLLED,

FROST-FREE TUNDRA WONDER?

[clanking]

[honking]

[all laughing]

JUST LIKE 5 YEARS AGO.

HELL, JUST LIKE
OUR WHOLE DAMN LIVES, WILDER.

YOU AIN'T CHANGED A BIT.

[sighs]

(Vida)
HEY, BABY.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

♪♪[carousel music playing]

THERE HE IS.
THERE'S MY MAN.

NO SMALL APPLIANCE
IS SAFE TONIGHT.

DID YOU SEE
THAT AIR CONDITIONER GO?

BLOOSH! LOOKED LIKE DAMN
URANIUM OR SOMETHING.

I'M KEEPING A CHUNK OF IT
FOR A PAPERWEIGHT.

YOU OUGHT TO
DO THAT ON T.V.

YOU GOT ALL THE JOINTS
COTTER-PINNED THIS TIME, REX?

WE MIGHT'VE LEFT
A BOX OF THEM

BACK AT FROSTPROOF,
I THINK.

YOU GOT A QUARTER?
OH, YEAH.

I'LL KEEP AN EYE OUT
FOR FALLING KIDS, BIFF.

MY NAME IS WALLACE, REX.

[people screaming]

(Wilder)
COULDN'T WE MAYBE
JUST HAVE DINNER FIRST?

(Vida)
NO. YOU'D JUST GET CRAMPS.

[Vida laughing]

[Vida moaning]

[phone ringing]

(Vida)
HELLO?

(Vida)
Hello?

WHO IS THIS?

VIDA?

[siren wailing]

[all chattering]

♪ HYDRANT WRENCHES

♪ AND SHINY BRASS NOZZLES

♪ MAGLITES AND DOORSTOPS

♪ BINGO ♪

(Horace)
DON'T GO IN THERE!
THAT'S MY PRIVATE CLUBHOUSE.

THIS HERE IS
MY PRIVATE CLUBHOUSE.

I'M JUST LETTING
YOU SEE THE OUTSIDE.

OK? YOU CAN'T GO IN.

LOOKS LIKE AN OUTHOUSE TO ME.

YEAH, HORACE.
WE DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO IN.

BESIDES, IT'S ON FIRE.

[rumbling]

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

[both giggling]

[glass shattering]

[man screaming]

HEADS UP!

(woman on radio)
UNIT 27, IS THAT YOU?

♪♪[cello playing]

[dog barking]

[sighs]

[laughing]

HEY, VIDA.

SO, WHAT'RE YOU LOOKING AT?

OH, YEAH,

YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO THIS.

YES, I DID.

ABOUT A YEAR
AND A HALF AGO...

RIGHT.

A YEAR AND A HALF AGO,

WILDER WAS MANAGING
THIS MEDICAL PAVILION.

IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD JOB, TOO.
I MEAN, GOOD BENEFITS,
NICE PEOPLE.

FOR HIM, IT WAS
A GREAT JOB AND HE KNEW IT.

AND EVERYBODY
REALLY LIKED HIM.

IT WAS WINTER AT THE TIME,
AND HE'D HAVE TO WAKE UP

REALLY EARLY ON SNOWY DAYS
TO GO OUT AND SHOVEL
ALL THE SIDEWALKS.

AND I WAS ALWAYS
GETTING ON HIS CASE,

YOU KNOW,
ABOUT USING HIS STUFF

TO CLEAR THE SIDEWALKS.

'CAUSE IT WOULD
ONLY TAKE A MINUTE
TO MELT ALL THAT SNOW.

AND IT WAS 5 IN THE MORNING,
SO IT WASN'T LIKE ANYONE WAS
GONNA SEE OR ANYTHING.

THAT WAY, I FIGURED
IF HE USED
A LITTLE BIT OF THAT VOODOO,

HE COULD RUSH
RIGHT BACK HOME AND SEE ME.

BUT ANYWAY,
HE WOULDN'T GO FOR IT.

IT WAS A SATURDAY,
SO I WAS OFF WORK
AND I WAS HELPING HIM.

IT WAS REALLY ICY.

AND HE'S OUT
FRONT SHOVELIN' AWAY

LIKE CRAZY,
AND I'M IN THE BACK.

AND I REMEMBER STANDIN' THERE,
HOLDIN' THIS SNOW SHOVEL,

LOOKIN' AT THESE
2 SIDEWALKS

COVERED WITH ABOUT
AN INCH OF SOLID ICE.

I MEAN, NO WAY.

SO, I GO OVER TO TOOL SHED,

I GET A BIG CAN OF GASOLINE,

AND VERY NEATLY,
I POUR IT DOWN THE LENGTHS
OF THESE 2 SIDEWALKS.

I STRIKE A MATCH,
AND I LIGHT UP
THE FIRST SIDEWALK.

AND I'M TELLING YOU,
IT WORKED GREAT.

I MEAN,
GAS DOESN'T MIX WITH WATER,

IT JUST BURNS ON
THE TOP AND MELTS ALL THE ICE.

THEN I SORT OF NOTICE
THAT THE FIRE'S
STARTING TO MOVE.

ALL THAT ICE
HAD TURNED TO WATER.

AND THE SIDEWALKS
WERE SORT OF ON AN INCLINE,

SO ALL THIS FLAMING WATER

IS NOW MOVING SLOWLY DOWNHILL

ONTO THE STEPS OF
THIS DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE,

ON THE DOOR OF
THIS DOCTOR'S OFFICE
IS LIKE A PET FLAP.

ONLY, IT'S NOT A PET FLAP.
IT'S NOT A PET FLAP.

IT'S A LITTLE DROP-OFF DOOR,

WHERE THEY DROP OFF
STOOL AND URINE SAMPLES.

BUT ALL I KNOW
IS THIS FLAMING WATER

IS POURING THROUGH
THE STOOL-SAMPLE DOOR
OF THIS DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

[sighs]

$18,000 IN DAMAGES.

WILDER LOST HIS JOB.

HE NEVER
YELLED AT ME THOUGH.

THAT'S WHEN
THE DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS

GAVE ME THIS
2-POUND FASHION STATEMENT
TO WEAR.

BUT IT COMES OFF TOMORROW.

COMES OFF TOMORROW.

WHICH ONE OF YOU
SENT ME THE WEDDING PHOTO?

WILDER SENT YOU
OUR WEDDING PICTURE?

YEAH, IT FIGURES.

HE WOULD TWIST THE KNIFE.

WALLACE,

THERE'S NO KNIFE.

WHY WASN'T I TOLD
OF YOUR HOUSE ARREST?

THE SAME REASON
HE DIDN'T TELL ME
YOU ROLLED INTO TOWN.

WILDER'S A SCHMUCK.

HE HATES ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE HATES ME.
WHY DOES HE HATE ME?

WHY DON'T YOU START
WITH BURNIN' OFF HIS HAIR
AT HIS DAMN BACHELOR PARTY?

HE TOLD YOU THAT?

YEAH.
AH.

HE COULD HAVE FOUGHT BACK.

OH, GOD!

LIGHT ME.

WHAT?

MMM. LIGHT MY CIGARETTE.

NO, I CAN'T DO THAT.

NOT WITHOUT
BURNIN' YOUR FACE OFF.

NOT WHILE I'M LOOKIN' AT YOU.
I, UH...

YOU KNOW,
WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU...

YEAH, WELL, WILDER CAN DO IT.

I'M GONNA GO ON
THE DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW.

I KNOW SOMEONE
WHO'S THE HEAD OF BOOKING
FOR THE SHOW.

AND I'M GONNA GO ON.

I'M GONNA BURN
SOME STUFF ON THE AIR,
PARLAY SOME PUBLICITY,

MAYBE GET MYSELF A MOVIE DEAL
OR MY OWN T.V. SHOW.

AND COMMERCIALS?
A LOT OF MONEY IN COMMERCIALS.

I CAN SELL LIGHTER FLUID,
RADAR RANGES,
FLAME-BROILED WHOPPERS.

YOU KNOW,
BEING ABLE TO BURN STUFF
WITH YOUR MIND,

IS A GOD-GIVEN TALENT.

JUST LIKE BEING ABLE
TO SLAM-DUNK A BASKETBALL.

THE AMERICAN PUBLIC
WILL EAT IT UP.
I LOVE BEING ABLE TO DO IT.

[sighs]

IT'S A DAMN SHAME
TO WASTE A GOD-GIVEN
TALENT ALL YOUR LIFE.

I DON'T DISAGREE.

YOU SEE, YEAH, YEAH.
I KNEW YOU'D SAY THAT. HEH!

I TOLD YOU 5 YEARS AGO
YOU MARRIED THE WRONG GUY.

[truck honking]

[dog barking]

(firemen)
HEY! VIDA! VIDA!

MON FRERE!

HEY, HONEY!

DID YOU BRING THE MEN HOME
FOR SOME LEMONADE?

YEAH.

CATCH ME, MEN!

HEADS UP!

HEY!

[firemen laughing]
YEAH! HEY!

I THINK SHE'S
PUT ON A COUPLE OF POUNDS.

(fireman)
♪ DUKE, DUKE, DUKE,
DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE

♪ DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE,
DUKE OF EARL ♪

(all)
♪ DUKE, DUKE, DUKE,
DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE
DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ DUKE OF EARL

(fireman)
♪ AS I
WALK THROUGH THIS WORLD ♪

♪ NOTHING CAN STOP
THE DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ AND YOU, YOU ARE MY GIRL

♪ NO ONE CAN HURT YOU,
OH, NO ♪

(all)
♪ YES, I'M

♪ OH

♪ I

♪ OH, OH

♪ NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW

♪ 'CAUSE I'M
THE DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ MUM-MUM-MUM-MUM
MUM-MUM-MUM, YEAH ♪

♪ AND WHEN I HOLD YOU

♪ YOU'LL BE MY DUCHESS

♪ MY DUCHESS OF EARL

♪ AND WE'LL WALK
THROUGH MY DUKEDOM ♪

♪ AND A PARADISE
WE WILL SHARE ♪

♪ YES, I'M

♪ OH, I'M GONNA LOVE YOU

♪ OH, OH

♪ COME ON LET ME
HOLD YOU, DARLIN' ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M
THE DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

♪ DUKE, DUKE, DUKE,
DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ DUKE, DUKE DUKE OF EARL,
DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE
DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ DUKE, DUKE, DUKE OF EARL

♪ DUKE, DUKE, DUKE OF EARL,
DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ DUKE OF EARL,
DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ YES, I'M

♪ OH

♪ I'M

♪ COME ON LET ME
HOLD YOU, DARLIN' ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M
THE DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

♪ DUKE, DUKE, DUKE,
DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ DUKE, DUKE DUKE OF EARL,
DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE ♪

THAT'S THE SAME CAR
YOU HAD 5 YEARS AGO.

MON FRERE?

THAT'S THE SAME CAR
YOU HAD 5 YEARS AGO.

[crickets chirping]

YEAH. UH-HUH.

[clanking]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

IT'S THE, UH...

I DON'T KNOW.

AH!

WELL, AT LEAST
YOU GOT IT UP ON BLOCKS.

THAT'S A REAL HIP
WHITE-TRASH AESTHETIC.

NEIGHBORS MUST BE REAL JEALOUS
YOU THOUGHT OF IT FIRST.

SEEMS THIS CAR'S
AN ANALOGY TO YOUR LIFE.

IT AIN'T GOING
NOWHERE NEITHER.

NOW, THAT'S DEEP.

AH!

BOZO, IS IT?

LOOK, WHY ARE YOU HERE?

WHY AREN'T YOU OVER
COMPARING HERPES SORES

WITH THAT
ALGONQUIAN ROUNDTABLE
OF SHITHEADS YOU RUN WITH?

WHY ARE YOU BACK IN TOWN?

WHY ARE YOU SITTING
ON MY FRONT PORCH
DRINKING OUT OF MY GLASS?

WHAT MAKES
YOU THINK YOU'RE WELCOME?

HEY!

I CAME HERE TO TELL YOU
THAT I'M GOING PUBLIC.

I'M GONNA FLAME SOME STUFF
ON THE DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW.

WHAT?

WHAT?

HA-HA,
ARE YOU INSANE?

YEAH! SEE, I KNEW
YOU'D SAY THAT! YEAH!

HUH!

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THAT IDEA?

WELL, FOR STARTERS,
YOU'D BE A FREAK.

GUYS IN WINGTIP SHOES
WOULD SHOVE A PROBE
UP YOUR ASS,

STICK YOU OUT ON
AN INDIAN RESERVATION

IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE MOJAVE DESERT,

AND READ YOU
LIKE A PETRI DISH.

YOU READ FIRESTARTER,
DIDN'T YOU?

AT THE VERY LEAST, THEY'LL TRY
TO LINK YOU TO EVERY FIRE
GOING UP THE EAST COAST

BACK TO HORACE BRAINTREE'S
CLUBHOUSE.

OH, HERE WE GO
WITH HORACE BRAINTREE'S
CLUBHOUSE!

YOU JUST WANT EVERYONE...

WE WERE LITTLE KIDS!
NOBODY CARES ANYMORE!

NOT EVEN HORACE
FREAKING BRAINTREE,

WHO LAST TIME I HEARD
HAS AN EX-CHEERLEADER WIFE,
HIS OWN BUICK DEALERSHIP,

A BUNCH OF
CHUBBY LITTLE KIDS

HE TAKES OFF TO
KARATE CLASS EVERY SATURDAY!

[dog barking]

ANYWAY, I'M DOIN' IT!

I'M GOIN' ON LETTERMAN!

I DON'T BELIEVE
ANY OF YOUR
PARANOID BULLSHIT ANYMORE!

AND I FIGURE I'D
LIKE TO TRY
BEING RICH FOR A CHANGE.

SO I'LL JUST SEE YOU
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, VIDA.

WALLACE.

♪ THEY'RE GONNA PUT
ME IN THE MOVIES ♪

♪ THEY'RE GONNA MAKE
A BIG STAR OUT OF ME ♪

[engine revving]

♪ THEY'RE GONNA PUT
ME IN THE MOVIES ♪

♪ AND ALL I GOTTA DO
IS ACT NAT... ♪♪

[laughing]

DID YOU HEAR
ABOUT THE CARNY

WHO COMMITTED ORAL
SEX ON A CHICKEN?

WELL, HE, UH...

[sneezing]

[all laughing]

[tires screeching]

TAKE ME UP TO THE TOP.

[engine whirring]

WHAT YOU FIGURIN'?
THAT BROTHER OF HIS?

ALL I KNOW IS,

I'M GONNA GET OFF
THE ROAD AND ON T.V.,

OR I'M GONNA
GODDAMN KILL SOMEBODY.

[alarm buzzing]

OH! OOPS!

[alarm stops]

[water running]

[cutlery clinking]

I'M READY!

[screaming]

GOD, I'M SORRY,
LLOYD! I'M SORRY!

IT'S JUST A LITTLE BLOOD.
IT'S A LITTLE BLOOD.

YOU'LL COME IN,
YOU'LL BE FINE.

[laughing]

HEY!

HONEY!

I'M...

FREE!

MY DEBT TO SOCIETY
IS PAID IN FULL.

[howling]

IT'S 12:47
AND 23 SECONDS.

TIME TO SCREW.
LET'S DO IT IN THE BOOTH.

YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.

YES, I REALLY AM.

VIDA! VIDA.

OK.

LET'S JUST FIND SOME
HEDGES OR SOMETHING.

OH, BABY, I'M RARING TO GO!

I KNOW YOU ARE,
HONEY, BUT...

WHAT?

NO?

[sighs]

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, LET'S GO
FOR A WALK, WILDER.

IT'S BEEN A YEAR
SINCE I WENT FOR A WALK.

COME ON.
OUT OF THAT SHOEBOX.

I'M WAITING FOR
A SURPRISE VISIT
FROM MY SUPERVISOR.

DON'T WANNA LOSE MY JOB.

SO?

SO?

ALL RIGHT. WHAT ARE
WE GONNA DO TONIGHT THEN?

WELL, YOU KNOW.

I'M CALLING BINGO
FOR THE WOMEN'S AUXILIARY.

IT'LL BE GREAT.

MAYBE YOU'LL COME WITH ME,
WIN US SOME MONEY.

BINGO?

WILDER, NO.

NO SYMPHONY?

[sighs]

NO DINNER THEATER? BINGO?

VIDA, I WAS SUPPOSED
TO CALL BINGO LAST WEEK
AND I DIDN'T GO.

I MEAN,
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I MISSED

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T
WANT ME TO LEAVE?

AND NOW TONIGHT
YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY HOME.

BESIDES,
THE CAR ISN'T RUNNING.

YOU CAN'T WALK
TO A SYMPHONY.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

NOTHING.

I JUST HAD A QUICK FLASH
ABOUT THE REST
OF MY LIFE, THAT'S ALL.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, HONEY.

SORRY.

[whining]

HI, DICK.
HI, NICK.

(both)
HI, VIDA.

[dog yipping]

[dog whining]

[whimpering]

WHO ARE YOU?

[car horn honking]

(Wallace)
HEY!

YOU FOUND MY DOG!

YEAH, OR VICE VERSA.

OR VICE VERSA.

SO ARE YOU GONNA
EXPLAIN THE TIE
OR DO I JUST HAVE TO GUESS?

OH, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

I JUST HAPPENED TO, UH,
FALL INTO 2 TICKETS
TO THIS CHAMBER-MUSIC THING

THEY'RE DOING
DOWNTOWN THIS AFTERNOON.

YOU'RE A REAL SHIT, WALLACE.

YES, I AM.

COME ON!
RIDE UP FRONT WITH ME!

NOPE! I CAN'T BE INSIDE TODAY.

I DO LOVE BEETHOVEN.

MOZART.

I LOVE BEETHOVEN.

WHERE TO NOW?

I APPRECIATE IT,
BUT WILDER'S
GONNA BE MAD AS IT IS.

I BETTER GET HOME.

I'M SORRY. DID YOU SAY
YOU WANTED TO
SEE SOME FIREWORKS?

YEAH!

[phone ringing]

[fly buzzing]

♪♪[Waiting for a Girl Like You
by Foreigner playing]

♪ SO LONG

32 YEARS IS AN
AWFULLY LONG TIME
TO KEEP A SECRET.

♪ I'VE BEEN LOOKING TOO HARD,
I'VE BEEN WAITING TOO LONG ♪

SO, WHAT WAS IT
THAT MADE YOU DECIDE
TO GO PUBLIC?

[machine whirring]

B-12.

♪ IF I'M COMING ON
TOO STRONG ♪

♪ THIS HEART OF MINE

♪ HAS BEEN HURT BEFORE

♪ THIS TIME I WANNA BE SURE

[laughing]

GOOD THING I DIDN'T AIM,
HUH?

♪ FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU

♪ TO COME INTO MY LIFE

SO, ANYWAY
YOU WERE SAYING...

WAS I?

♪ GIRL LIKE YOU

♪ YOUR LOVING WILL SURVIVE

DON'T LAUGH.

DON'T SAY ANYTHING FUNNY.

♪ I'VE BEEN WAITING

I MEAN, IT'S NOT
MUCH OF A STORY, REALLY.

THE CARNIVAL WAS
IN FROSTPROOF, FLORIDA.

WE WEREN'T
DOING MUCH BUSINESS.

IT WAS RAINING,

AND I WAS WATCHING BEWITCHED
ON A BOOTLEG CABLE BOX.

♪ TO COME INTO MY LIFE

NOW, ON BEWITCHED,
WHAT DOES DARRIN ALWAYS SAY?

"SAM, HONEY,
DON'T USE YOUR MAGIC POWERS
TO MAKE US RICH OR HAPPY,

"OR TO IMPROVE OUR SEX LIVES.

IN FACT,
DON'T USE THEM AT ALL,
IT WOULD BE WRONG."

AND I REALIZED
THAT I'M WATCHING THIS
ON A CRAPPY FOAM MATTRESS.

I'M EATING CEREAL
STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BOX,

♪ MORE THAN A TOUCH

AND I'M ALONE.

♪ OR A WORD WE SAY

AND THAT'S WHEN
IT FINALLY HIT ME.

WRONG?
WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT IT?

AND THE MORE I WATCHED,

THE MORE I REALIZED
THAT DARRIN
REMINDED ME OF SOMEBODY.

AND THAT SOMEBODY WAS WILDER.

♪ NOW I KNOW IT'S RIGHT

AND SAM REMINDED ME OF ME.

THAT I WASN'T LIVING
UP TO MY FULL POTENTIAL.

♪ TO DEEP IN THE NIGHT

♪ THERE'S NOWHERE ON EARTH

AND THEN BEWITCHED ENDED

AND I DREAM OF JEANNIE
CAME ON,

AND I FIGURED IT
WAS SOME KIND OF A SIGN.

♪ FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU

♪ TO COME INTO MY LIFE

SO HERE I AM.

OH!

♪ I'VE BEEN WAITING

♪ FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU

G-47.

♪ I'VE BEEN WAITING

♪ WON'T YOU
COME INTO MY LIFE? ♪

♪ AH ♪

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M HELPING YOU
WITH YOUR SHOT.

WHO ARE YOU, ANDY HARDY?

HELPING ME WITH MY SHOT?
GEE, THAT'S ORIGINAL.

YOU'RE NOT KEEPING
YOUR WRISTS LOCKED.

[sighs]

WHERE'D YOU GET
THIS MOVE, WALLACE?
A NELSON EDDY MOVIE?

[woman screaming]

(woman)
WHAT IS IT?

(woman 2)
COME ON!

(woman 3)
HURRY UP! COME ON!

[explosions in distance]

OOPS!

[inaudible]

[pager beeping]

B-11. B-11.

(firemen)
♪ I FELL INTO
A BURNING RING OF FIRE ♪

♪ I WENT DOWN, DOWN, DOWN
AND THE FLAMES WENT HIGHER ♪

♪ AND IT BURNS, BURNS, BURNS,
BURNS, BURNS ♪

♪ THAT RING OF FIRE,
THAT RING OF FIRE ♪♪

(fire chief)
BACK UP!

BACK UP!

♪ I DON'T WANT
TO SET THE WORLD ♪

♪ ON FIRE

♪ I JUST WANT TO START

♪ A FLAME IN YOUR HEART

♪♪[humming]

♪ IN MY HEART I HAVE BUT ONE

♪ DESIRE

♪ AND THAT ONE IS YOU

♪ NO OTHER WILL DO

♪ I'VE LOST ALL AMBITION

♪ FOR WORLDLY ACCLAIM

♪ I JUST WANT TO BE
THE ONE YOU LOVE ♪

♪ AND WITH YOUR ADMISSION

♪ THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME

♪ I'LL HAVE REACHED
THE GOAL I'M DREAMING OF ♪

♪ BELIEVE ME

♪ I DON'T WANT
TO SET THE WORLD ♪

♪ ON FIRE

♪ I JUST WANT TO START

♪ A FLAME IN YOUR HEART ♪

SEE YOU LATER, WILDER.

OH!

[dog barking]

[engine starting]

WILDER?

WILDER!

WILDER!

WILDER!

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!

WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

WE DIDN'T DO IT!

WILDER!

SAY SOMETHING!

SAY SOMETHING!

[dog barking]

[lawn mower running]

OK.

THIS IS GOOD.

IT'S MORNING, IT'S SUNNY.

WE'RE GONNA EAT BREAKFAST,

[lawn mower running]
AND THEN WE NEED
TO SIT DOWN AND TALK.

THE 3 OF US.

WE'VE ALL MADE MISTAKES.
WE NEED TO GET THINGS
OUT IN THE OPEN.

WE NEED TO
ESTABLISH A DIALOGUE.

NEED TO TALK
ABOUT OUR FEELINGS.

GOT ANY CEREAL?

WILDER IS
REPRESSING HIS EMOTIONS.

HE ALWAYS
REPRESSES HIS EMOTIONS.

I THINK IF THE 3 OF US
COULD JUST PUT OUR
PROBLEMS INTO WORDS,

JUST VERBALIZE...

GET OFF THAT
GODDAMN MOWER, NOW!

I MADE YOUR BREAKFAST!
YOU COME AND GET IT!

WILDER!

I'M TALKING TO YOU!

[inaudible]

STOP IT! STOP IT!

STOP IT! DO SOMETHING!

[mower stops]

[birds chirping]

[sighs]

ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

THIS IS ME. THIS IS
THE WAY I FEEL RIGHT NOW.

IT'S EARLY. I'M TIRED.
I DIDN'T GET
ANY SLEEP LAST NIGHT.

I WAS WITH YOUR WIFE.

(Vida)
STOP!

I'M EATING YOUR BREAKFAST.

SO COME ON,
TAKE A SWING AT ME, PLEASE?

AND LET'S GET
THIS THING OVER WITH.

COME ON,
YOU FREAKING ICEMAN.

[birds chirping]

OK THEN,

IT'S OFFICIAL NOW.

YOU'RE A FRIGHTENED COWARD.

[screaming]

[both grunting]

[grunting]

[choking]

WILDER, WILDER!

WILDER!

SORRY, PISSANT CLOWN!

THINK YOU CAN MESS
AROUND WITH MY WIFE?

[coughing]

DON'T! NO! NO!

[screaming]

WILDER!

[engine starting]

[Wallace groaning]

YOU'RE DEAD, WHITE BOY!

LET'S GO PICK OUT
A NICE WREATH FOR YOU

BECAUSE YOU'RE FREAKING DEAD!

[grunting]

ALL RIGHT! STOP IT NOW!

BOTH OF YOU!
I LIVE HERE, DAMN IT!

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
YOU WANT TO KILL EACH OTHER?

THOUGHT THAT'S
WHAT YOU WANTED.

YOUR SHOE'S ON FIRE.

[yells]

WHO'S THE WHITE BOY NOW,
HUH?

WHO... WHO...
WHO'S THE WHITE BOY NOW?

[growling]

[groaning]

DIRTY,
MUD-HOPPING RAT BASTARD!

WILDER!

COME OUT AND FIGHT
LIKE THE FREAK
OF NATURE YOU ARE,

OR I'M COMING IN
THERE TO GET YOU!

WILDER?

YOO-HOO!

LET'S SAY,
FOR ONCE IN OUR LIVES,

THAT WE HAVE US A FAIR FIGHT!

FLAME ME, BOY!
BURN MY HAIR OFF!

GIVE ME A REASON
TO BARBECUE YOU!

STOP IT! STOP IT!

WAIT UNTIL I
GET MY HANDS ON...

(Wallace)
YOUR ASS IS ASH, WILDER!

YOUR ASS IS ASH!

NOBODY'S ASS IS ANYTHING!
DO YOU HEAR ME?

NOBODY'S ASS IS ANYTHING!
NOW, YOU BOYS COME OUT
OF THERE RIGHT NOW!

HI, THIS IS VIDA FOUDROYANT.

WE HAVE ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE LITTLE SITUATIONS HERE.

OK, BOY!
HERE IT COMES!

RUN!

[Vida screams]

VIDA! ARE YOU OK?

YOU OK?

[screaming]

[spitting]
VIDA!

HEY!

[grunting]

USE YOUR POWERS FOR
ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!

[grunting]

USE THEM, YOU PUSSY!

QUIT IT.

[siren wailing]

OH, MY GOD!
THERE'S FIRE BY THE...

I'M COMING! I'M COMING!
I'M OK! EVERYTHING'S FINE.

OH, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

WILDER!

[groaning]

[crowd chattering]

[police radio chattering]

[coughing]

[retching]

[both coughing]

I'M SORRY.

WHAT FOR?

I'M TALKING TO WILDER.

I'M SORRY I WAS
WITH YOUR BROTHER
ON THE ROOF.

[sighs]

IT WAS A BAD COURSE
OF ACTION ON MY PART.

I KNOW I CAME BETWEEN YOU TWO.

WILDER, I'M SORRY
I BROKE YOUR TRUST.

I GUESS WHAT I DID
WAS SORT OF REACTIONARY.

I MEAN, YESTERDAY
WAS MY FIRST NIGHT OF FREEDOM

AND YOU HAD TO
SPEND IT CALLING BINGO.

NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG,
BINGO'S GREAT.

NORMALLY, I'D SAY
BINGO'S WHERE IT'S AT.

I GUESS I JUST
GOT A LITTLE CRAZY.

I GOT SELFISH.

I FIGURED I'D STEAL YOU AWAY

FROM SQUINTING AT
A BUNCH OF PING-PONG BALLS
ALL NIGHT.

I FIGURED I'D GET YOU OUT
ON THE TOWN FOR ONCE,

FOR ONE NIGHT OF REAL LIFE.

ONE NIGHT OF FREEDOM

FROM THAT COUNTRY-WESTERN
VERSION OF A SOVIET GULAG.

WELL?

WILDER, ARE YOU GONNA
SAY SOMETHING?

YOU SCREWED MY BROTHER
OVER BINGO?

I THINK YOU'RE MISSING
THE BIG PICTURE.

YOU AND I HAVE
VERY LARGE PROBLEMS.

NO SHIT.

NO SHIT, WILDER.

I'M TIRED OF DOIN' IT ALL.

I'M TIRED OF COMIN'
AT YOU ALL THE TIME.

AND I'M TIRED OF ALWAYS
HAVIN' TO BE THE HAPPIEST
PERSON IN A ROOM.

WHAT DOES HE MEAN
YOU SCREWED ME OVER BINGO?

THERE WAS NO SCREWING.
NO SCREWING OCCURRED.

ONLY BECAUSE ZIPPY
THE PINHEAD HERE SHOWED UP.

WALLACE, THERE WOULDN'T
HAVE BEEN ANY.

THE HELL THERE
WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN.

WE WERE GEARING UP
FOR SOME WORLD-CLASS SCREWIN'.

WE WERE GETTING READY
TO DO SOMETHIN'

THAT THEY HAVEN'T EVEN
COME UP WITH A WORD FOR YET.

DON'T LIE.

IT'S A MOOT POINT.

"MOOT POINT"?

JEEZ, GOOD ANSWER, HONEY.

"DID SHE OR DIDN'T SHE?
HMM, IT'S A MOOT POINT.

PARDON ME
WHILE I GO MOW THE LAWN."

GOD! WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM?

JUST SHUT THE HELL UP,
WALLACE. OK?

[sighs]

I'M IN JAIL AGAIN.

I'M FREE ONE DAY
AND I'M IN JAIL AGAIN.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

[sighs]

I DON'T EVEN BELONG HERE.

YOU STARTED THOSE 2 FIRES.

ME?
YEAH.

HONEY, I DO NOT LIVE
IN A VACUUM.

I THINK WE ALL 3
SHARE EQUAL BLAME

FOR THE DAY'S UNPLEASANTRIES.

HEY.

I DIDN'T DO SHIT.

I'M CLEAN.

I SPENT ALL NIGHT
PUTTING OUT SOME SEX FIRE

THAT YOU TWO STARTED.

THIS MORNING I'VE
GOT HER YELLING,

"DO SOMETHING,
DO SOMETHING" AT ME.

I'VE GOT YOU PRACTICALLY
WEARING MY SLIPPERS,

SMOKING MY PIPE.

YOU BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE,
YOU WRECKED MY LIFE,

YOU STEAL MY WIFE,

AND YOU TWO WANT ME
TO ACCEPT PART OF THE BLAME?

I'M SPEAKING ONLY
FOR MYSELF, WILDER,

BUT YEAH, I THINK THAT
THAT WOULD BE
THE BIG THING TO DO.

FUCK YOU BOTH.

I TAKE THAT AS A NO.

HAVE NO FEAR,
THE CAVALRY'S HERE.

COULDN'T LET MY
PREMIER ATTRACTION

JUST SIT HERE
WITH THE RIFFRAFF.

I APPRECIATE IT, REX.
REALLY DO.

JUST ONE THING.

ANYTHING, BOY.
YOU NAME IT.

STEAK DINNER? YOU WANT TO
BORROW MY SEDAN?

SOME SHIRT OF MINE
YOU BEEN ADMIRIN'?

I DON'T WANT TO BE BAILED OUT
UNLESS YOU BAIL HER OUT, TOO.

WE'RE STILL THINKIN' ABOUT
HOLLYWOOD, AIN'T WE, BOSS?

EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY.

YOU'RE GONNA BAIL ME OUT?

YEAH.

WE HAD TO PUT
THE FERRIS WHEEL UP

FOR COLLATERAL JUST
TO COVER YOUR BOND.

YOU SURE ABOUT
DOIN' THIS?

I MEAN, I KNOW
THIS GIRL IN TAMPA,

SAME HAIR COLOR,
SAME BONE STRUCTURE.

[sighs]

YOU'RE RIGHT.

SHE'S WORTH
THE LOOP-THE-LOOP.

HELL, SHE'S WORTH
WHATEVER IT TAKES.

MRS. FOUDROYANT'S
JUST LUCKY

THE JUDGE GAVE HER
A BOND AT ALL.

IT SURPRISED
THE HELL OUT OF ME.

WALLACE, I'M NOT GONNA GO

UNLESS YOU
BAIL OUT WILDER, TOO.

ALL RIGHT,
BAIL HIM OUT, TOO.

WELL, THERE GOES
THE SHOOTING GALLERY.

WILDER.

OK, COME ON, WILDER.

COME ON,
WE'RE GETTING OUT OF HERE,
YOU, ME, AND WALLACE.

ME? LEAVE WITH YOU TWO?

THAT MAKES NO SENSE
TO ME WHATSOEVER.

I MEAN, I CAN'T THINK
OF TWO PEOPLE I HATE
MORE IN THE WORLD.

WILDER.

WHAT PART OF THAT
DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

[whispering]
YOU WIN.

I MADE A BIG MISTAKE.

I LET MYSELF BE SUCKERED
BY YOUR BROTHER, RIGHT?

BY THE SUMMER NIGHT,

AND BY THE NEED TO WANT
TO BE LOVED BY YOU.

AND WHEN YOU
WEREN'T THERE AGAIN,

BY THE NEED TO BE
LOVED BY ANYONE.

I KNOW YOU THINK
THESE MISTAKES
ARE UNFORGIVABLE

AND YOU MAY BE RIGHT.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING,

ON THE ONE-IN-A-MILLION
CHANCE THAT YOU'RE WRONG,

ON THE ONE-IN-A-MILLION
CHANCE THAT YOU'RE
GONNA WAKE UP

TOMORROW MORNING
AND WANT ME BACK,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
FIGHT FOR ME, WILDER.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
FIGHT FOR ME!

[crickets chirping]

♪♪[music playing]

♪ WHY DID YOU LEAVE
ME HERE ALL ALONE? ♪

♪ I SEARCHED THE WORLD OVER

♪ AND THOUGHT I'D FOUND
TRUE LOVE ♪

♪ BUT YOU FOUND ANOTHER
AND YOU WAS GONE ♪

[T.V. audience laughing]

SO, WHAT DID HE SAY
WHEN YOU GAVE HIM THE NOTES?

HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
HE WASN'T THERE,

SO I PUT THEM IN THE SLOT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
HE WASN'T THERE?

VIDA, YOU GOT TO GIVE
THE GUY A LITTLE TIME.

I MEAN, NO OFFENSE,

BUT WHEN A MAN'S
LOST HIS HOME

AND HIS WIFE
IN THE SAME DAY,

HE'S BOUND TO BE
A LITTLE UNPREDICTABLE.

HE'S GONNA COME BACK
TO THE BOOTH EVENTUALLY

AND WHEN HE DOES,
HE'LL FIND THE NOTES.

TRUST ME.

[laughing]

♪♪[carousel music playing]

[people chattering]

COVER FOR ME.

WAS SHE WITH HIM?

NOT THAT I SAW.

HELL, HE LOOKED
TOTALLY LOST TO ME.

[dog whining]

MAYBE HE THINKS
SHE'S STILL WITH ME.

REX, I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE
A PASS ON TONIGHT'S SHOW.

I... I... I NEED TO SAVE
MY STRENGTH

FOR A LITTLE UNFINISHED
FAMILY BUSINESS.

OH, AND, UH, REX,

I WANT YOU TO MAKE
AS MUCH MONEY AS
YOU CAN TONIGHT

'CAUSE TOMORROW MORNING
WE'RE GONNA PACK UP

AND WE'RE GONNA HEAD FOR
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA.

YOU GOT IT,
DR. NAPALM.

[dog whining]

[bell chiming]

[whispering]
THIS WAY.

[whispering]
DO IT.

♪♪[She's a Lady
by Tom Jones playing]

♪ WELL, SHE'S ALL
YOU'D EVER WANT ♪

♪ SHE'S THE KIND
I LIKE TO FLAUNT ♪

♪ AND TAKE TO DINNER

♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS KNOWS
HER PLACE ♪

♪ SHE'S GOT STYLE,
SHE'S GOT GRACE ♪

♪ SHE'S A WINNER

♪ SHE'S A LADY

♪ WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
SHE'S A LADY ♪

♪ TALKIN' ABOUT
THAT LITTLE LADY ♪

♪ AND THE LADY IS MINE

♪ WELL, SHE'S NEVER
IN THE WAY ♪

♪ ALWAYS SOMETHING
NICE TO SAY ♪

♪ WHAT A BLESSING

♪ I CAN LEAVE HER ON HER OWN

♪ KNOWING SHE'S OK ALONE

♪ AND THERE'S NO MESSING

♪ SHE'S A LADY

♪ WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
SHE'S A LADY ♪

♪ TALKIN' ABOUT
THAT LITTLE LADY ♪

♪ AND THE LADY IS MINE

♪ WELL SHE NEVER ASKS
FOR VERY MUCH ♪

♪ AND I DON'T REFUSE HER

♪ ALWAYS TREAT HER
WITH RESPECT ♪

♪ I NEVER WOULD ABUSE HER

♪ WHAT SHE'S GOT
IS HARD TO FIND ♪

♪ AND I DON'T WANT
TO LOSE HER ♪

♪ HELP ME BUILD A MOUNTAIN

♪ FROM A LITTLE PILE
OF CLAY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY

♪ WELL, SHE KNOWS
WHAT I'M ABOUT ♪

♪ SHE CAN TAKE
WHAT I DISH OUT ♪

♪ AND THAT'S NOT EASY

♪ WELL, SHE KNOWS ME
THROUGH AND THROUGH ♪

♪ AND SHE KNOWS
JUST WHAT TO DO ♪

♪ AND HOW TO PLEASE ME

♪ SHE'S A LADY

♪ WHOA, WHOA, WHOA

LOOKS LIKE WE MIGHT NEED
THAT ELEPHANT AGAIN.

♪ TALKING ABOUT
THE LITTLE LADY ♪♪

[music stops]

WALLACE!

I'M CALLING YOU OUT!

WELL, THIS IS A SURPRISE.

DID HELL FREEZE OVER OR WHAT?

WHERE'S VIDA?

OUT BUYING
MORE CONDOMS. WHY?

WHERE'S VIDA?

ACTUALLY, SHE'S OVER
AT THE HOSPITAL

BEING TREATED
FOR THIGH CHAFE.

ONCE YOU'VE HAD A CLOWN,
YOU NEVER GO BACK.

WHERE'S VIDA?

SHE'S OVER AT
THE SUNOCO RESTROOM
VASELINING UP HER BODY

SO SHE CAN SQUEEZE
INTO ONE OF THESE,

THE OFFICIAL DR. NAPALM
ASSISTANT SUIT.

SOON TO BE "AS SEEN ON T.V."

I'M FIGHTING FOR YOU, BABY!

I'M FIGHTING FOR YOU, BABY!

GET SOME FIRE EXTINGUISHERS!
GET THE POWER BACK ON!

I'M GONNA ASK
YOU ONE LAST TIME,
WHERE'S VIDA?

[coughs]

LOOK OUTSIDE, ASSHOLE.

[coughs]

THAT'S FOR MY PICKUP TRUCK.

AND AS FOR YOUR
SORRY EXCUSE FOR A WIFE...

VIDA'S NOT HERE,

'CAUSE SHE'S A LOSER,
JUST LIKE YOU.

[grunting]

YOU'RE GOIN' ON T.V.
OVER MY DEAD BODY.

RUIN MY HOME.
RUIN MY MARRIAGE.

I'LL BE DAMNED
IF YOU'RE GONNA RUIN

THE REST OF MY LIFE.

YOU SELF-HATING FREAK.

IT'S A GIFT

NOT A CURSE.

AND YOU DON'T DESERVE IT.

JUST LIKE YOU DON'T DESERVE
THAT WOMAN YOU'RE WITH.

OH, DON'T TELL ME
WHAT I DO...

I'LL TELL YOU
WHATEVER I LIKE!

EVER SINCE WE WERE KIDS,

EVER SINCE HORACE
BRAINTREE'S CLUBHOUSE,

WHEN YOU CONVINCED YOURSELF
AND DAMN-NEAR CONVINCED ME

THAT WE WERE MURDERERS,
YOU'VE DREADED WHO WE ARE!

WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING,
WILDER.

WE DIDN'T KNOW
THAT MAN WAS IN THERE!

WE WERE LITTLE KIDS!

[fire alarm ringing]

MIDLOTHIAN SHOPPING CENTER.
MULTIPLE FIRES.
LORD, WHAT A DAY!

[men grunting]

LOOK WHAT THAT GUY'S DOING
TO OUR MEAL TICKET.

[rumbling]

IT'S GONNA BLOW!

GET THE HELL OUT
OF HERE! COME ON.

[trumpeting]

COME ON! COME ON!

[chattering]

[fire engine siren wailing]

COME ON, SWEETIE!

[horn blaring]

WILDER!

UGH!

[grunting]

YEE-HAW!

THE DOCTOR IS IN!

YEE-HAW.

[screams]

[Vida grunting]

VIDA!

GET OFF OF HIM.
GET OUT OF THE WAY.

GET OUT OF THAT SILLY SUIT
AND STOP THIS NOW!

VIDA!

MY ARM!

MY ARM!

VIDA!

[screaming]

[police sirens wailing]

OH, NO. YOU THINK
I KILLED HIM?

I MIGHT HAVE KILLED HIM.

GOOD SHOT, WILDER!

GET BACK!

[chattering]

I'M NOT FIGHTING YOU
ANYMORE, WALLACE.

THERE'S NO REASON
TO FIGHT ANYMORE.

YOU WIN.

EVERYBODY KNOWS.

YOU WIN.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT
SANCTIMONIOUS SHIT!

IT'S OVER 'CAUSE
YOU SAY IT'S OVER?

YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU,

YOU PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
PISSANT?

YOU ARE NOT
WIPING AWAY 32 YEARS

OF MAKING ME FEEL
LIKE A PIECE OF CRAP,

SIMPLY BECAUSE
YOU CHOOSE NOT TO FIGHT!

NOW GET UP AND FLAME ON!

I'M GONNA TAKE MY WIFE
FOR A SPIN
ON THE TILT-A-WHIRL.

WANT TO COME?

WHAT?

I'M NOT FIGHTING YOU.

THEN YOU'RE BURNING!

GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

IT'S ALL RIGHT, FOLKS.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.

DON'T RUN.
EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL.

OK, THE FERRIS WHEEL!

OK!

ONE WAY OR THE OTHER, BROTHER,
YOU'RE GONNA BURN!

WILDER!

WE ARE RUNNING
OUT OF PLACES TO GO!

(Vida)
HEY, WALLACE!

ALL RIGHT,
COMING THROUGH.

ALL RIGHT, ALREADY.
SO, WHO'S GOT
THE BIGGER ONE?

BIFF THE CLOWN,
NEAR AS I CAN TELL.

THANKS.

YEAH.

ARE YOU GONNA WALK OVER
TO THOSE DEPUTIES?

YEAH.

YEAH.

YEAH.

ME, TOO.

OK.

YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, GOOD.

(announcer on T.V.)
AND NOW A MAN
WHO WON'T BE OFFENDED

IF YOU CALL HIM
AN AMAZON GODDESS,

DAVID LETTERMAN!

[audience cheering]

(Letterman)
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WE WERE ALL TERRIBLY EXCITED

THE LAST TIME OUR
NEXT GUEST WAS ON...

OH, SHOOT!
HE'S ALREADY ON.

HERE HE IS, DR. NAPALM.

[audience clapping]

(Letterman)
GREAT TO SEE YA.
HOW ARE YOU?

HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU
ACTUALLY HAVE LEFT?

IS IT 4 MONTHS
UNTIL YOUR PAROLE?

(Napalm)
THAT'S CORRECT,
DAVID, 4 MONTHS,

PROVIDED I CONTINUE
TO BEHAVE.

AND IN THE MEANTIME,
MY WORK-RELEASE PROGRAM

SENDS ME TO HOSPITAL
BURN WARDS

AND ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS,
WHERE I...

I REALLY LIKE HIS NEW
KINGSFORD COMMERCIAL.

ALSO, MY VARIOUS
PRODUCT ENDORSEMENTS

HAVE MORE THAN PAID FOR
THE DAMAGED PROPERTY

I CAUSED DURING
MY LAWLESS PERIOD.

SO...

AND SO I FEEL THAT
THE HEALING PROCESS...

...WHAT TIME DO YOU
HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK?

...THE LAST TIME
YOU WERE HERE...

MY LAST SET
DOESN'T START UNTIL 1:00.

[alarm ringing]

♪ WHENEVER I'M WITH HER

♪ SOMETHING INSIDE

♪ STARTS TO BURNIN'

♪ AND I'M FILLED WITH DESIRE

♪ COULD IT BE A DEVIL IN ME

♪ OR IS THIS THE WAY
LOVE'S SUPPOSED TO BE? ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE A HEAT WAVE

♪ BURNING IN MY HEART

♪ I CAN'T KEEP FROM CRYIN'

♪ IT'S TEARIN' ME APART

♪ WHENEVER SHE CALLS MY NAME

♪ SO SLOW, SWEET AND PLAIN

♪ RIGHT THEN, RIGHT THERE

♪ I FEEL THAT BURNIN' FLAME

♪ HAS HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE
GOT A HOLD ON ME ♪

♪ OR IS THIS THE WAY
LOVE'S SUPPOSED TO BE? ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE A HEAT WAVE

♪ BURNING IN MY HEART

♪ I CAN'T KEEP FROM CRYIN'

♪ IT'S TEARING ME APART

♪ DOO, DO, DO, DO

♪ DO-WAH, DO-WAH

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

♪ DO-WAH, DO-WAH

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

♪ AH, AH

♪ AH, AH

♪ HEAT WAVE

♪ SOMETIMES I STARE IN SPACE

♪ TEARS ALL OVER MY FACE

♪ CAN'T EXPLAIN IT,
DON'T UNDERSTAND IT ♪

♪ I AIN'T NEVER
FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE ♪

♪ THIS FUNNY FEELING
HAS ME AMAZED ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO,
MY HEAD'S IN A HAZE ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE A HEAT WAVE

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

♪ WELL, IT'S ALL RIGHT, GIRL

♪ GO AHEAD, GIRL

♪ WELL, IT'S ALL RIGHT, GIRL

♪ AIN'T NOTHING
BUT LOVE, GIRL ♪

♪ DON'T PASS UP THIS CHANCE

♪ THIS TIME
IT'S TRUE ROMANCE ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE A HEAT WAVE

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

♪ BURNING, BURNING,
BURNING, YEAH ♪

♪ HEAT WAVE

♪ YEAH, YEAH

♪ BURNING, BURNING,
BURNING, YEAH ♪

♪ HEAT WAVE

♪ DO-DOO, DO, DO-DO

♪ DO, DO-DO, DOO, WAH-WAH,
OOH, WAH-WAH ♪

♪ HEAT WAVE ♪