Wild in the Wilderness (1988) - full transcript

So romantic,

those glittering lights,

fill me with pride,

my own, my beautiful, Riverside.

I wrote that

Yeah yeah, Riverside California

It's like so romantic

I hate this shit, you know that

Sometimes I think you have no poetry in your soul

No poetry? Try this:

We sit for hours in this old truck no more near



We had an agreement darling

The wedding is only in a few short weeks

and then, I promise,

that I will take this swelling cock of yours

and grease it it with my tongue

and so you can slide real easy

in my nice, warm, wet, hungry pussy

Do you have to make it any harder for me than it already is?

Don't do that anymore, please.

Poor dear

You need a nice handjob

Yours of course

Is that any better there?

What was that?



Do you need a hanky?

No, listen.

There's a clug

Do you feel that?

What is it?

He's taking my fucking aerial. 35 bucks

Motherfucker

Well, need a light, missy?

Certainly sir

Oh my god

Oh, officer Blount

as I live and breathe

What are you doing in this park?

Checking up on morals

Seems like all these kids come up here

and think they can break every code of decency

Come on, you can tell me

Like feeling each other's...

Anything else?

Sucking each other's... should I tell you?

I just can't believe the immorality of some people

Yeah you could say that

Yeah missy... Come on. That's it.

Take care of gentlemen. Thank you miss.

Damn. I'll make you pay, you vandals.

My camera?

Holy ***

It's cheap aerial, really

Really I guess from chump or dope lights

Well, you're the champ. You know.

He knows the best parking in town

Sounds like you've got a real head cold, sir

I can offer you a cough candy?

A football player? a big seller like you

A big fellow like you

I sure would like your autograph

What about a picture instead?

Picture, yeah? Picture

Ok. Ok, ready?

Ok, keep the aerial. Take my car.

Take my fiancee

What were you doing honey?

I was getting lonely

I hope it's true what they say

about absence making the heart grow fonder

Let me show if it is? Okay?

Naughty boy

How kind of a girl do you think I am?

Come on, let me just count the feel

- What is this?
- What?

This. This repulsive thing.

Good gravy, what is it he want?

I don't know, it sounds like he's in pain

*** paper now

Jesus Christ how is anyone expected to

be creative around here?

- I'm sorry
- Just don't care of him, he's always kind of bad time

I'm Nora, you must be Chelsea new photographer

- For today. I don't keep jobs too long
- Oh

I dropped it

Well this is fine since you're very handsome

it's fine here

I've got it

That's it

Lunch with the Shah: 2460 dollars

plus tips

Big story?

Expensive report, takes dollars, fame, ***

Chah's been dead ten years, love

I really don't think the cop departments gonna go for this one

I knew that, sure

I had lunch with the Shah's spirit

He contacted me from beyond the grave

He's giving me fashion tips what Ronald

Reagan should wear to his next big dinner

Seem to forget who you're working for, Sweetheart

This is the National Expire

not the Washington Post

Good point, Dick.

If you don't get a real story

soon, for all going to be unemployed

I mean your records are so bad

we can't even get a job at the LA Times
- Yeah

- Oh, hello Mr. President
- Hi Holly, how are you?

(Thay all prentend talking on the phone)

(...so not why is President lives...)

(...yes well well no I'm on fire...)

(...okay yeah all right...)
(...okay...)

Hey boss!

Hi

- Holly North?
- Uh-huh

Fixed

- Miss Taylor?
- Miss Taylor

President Reagan.

Pathetic

This your idea of news?

What I want is a real story

"Barry Manilow was a man in his former life"

Not bad... But unbelievable!

Come on, people!

We need the big one here, the real story

Like...

Nah. No, not Bigfoot's boss

and we've been following that Big Putts angle

for four years now

it just doesn't go anywhere. It's nowhere.

I have to fire your ass you worm

You think I've been wrong about Big Putts

all along, huh, Mr. Journalism 101

you wouldn't know a story if it goosed you

Here. Look at that.

Wow, that's incredible

It's Big Putts

I've had it authenticated

I want all three of you to get up there to Hicksville

and get the real story

otherwise you can all go looking for

another job

Understand?

- Yes
- All of you

- Does he say tonight?
- Yes

Miss Mews come to my office please

***, take a chair

No thank you, I already have one like this

Quick. I like that from my employees

So very few had it.

Look, I want you to take down everything I say.

- Alright?
- Okay

- Ready?
- Ready

"Pants"

I caught you

"Pants"

Thank you

How long have you worked for us, Miss Mews?

- This is my first day
- Mm-hmm

Run into any arbitrary sex scenes yet?

I don't know. What's "arbitrary"?

"Arbitrary" means that we do it with no dramatic

reason except that the public expects it

Got it?

Got what?

Don't they teach you anything at journalism school these days?

Um. I think it's all coming back to me

Listen girls... I...

Yeah, I think we've already been this way

You brought the compas, right Chelsea?

Oops. I think I dropped it

"Oops"? What do you mean "oops"?

Sorry

Great, forgot the ***

Lucky for you guys I think of everything

Bright, you brought a CB radio

No, something better. This.

One more time

I hate that damn tune

that's all you city slickers ever play

What is going on here?

Don't you know anything else?

I like Old MacDonald had a farm

I like the part where...

goes...

And in that farm he had some piggies

Can you squeal like a piggy, Sir?

I'll tell you all.

We got some friends waiting for us,

so we should gonna be on the way, so...

That's so bad.

You girls,

tie him!

What?

(...They're enforcing cold air down to the

(...northwest we'll be seeing some clouds in

(...the morning and showers in the afternoon

(...except in the mountains and canyons

(...which will be clear after around two

(...p.m. we'll see the clouds burn off so

(...you can go to the beach and your body right

(...down the hill tender tight spot...)

Oh good,

give me that beer, I've been waiting for all day

(...Hollywood yesterday...)

(...according to police and several...)

(...eyewitnesses the women have dropped her...)

(...groceries and walked in front of the...)

(...vessels right...)
Come on!

Ok, I know this isn't Mac, but

I won't *** a *** horse in the mouth

and you must be a horse

...Moo-moo here and moo-moo there

here a moo, there a moo

everywhere a moo moo

Old MacDonald had a farm

E-I-E-I-O

And on his farm he has some

Some what?

Some what?

Come on, smarty pants city slickers,

what is the end?

- ... Old Mac Donald...?
- Dealers

And on his farm he had some dealers

E-I-E-I-O

With a...

What a hell sound does a dealer make?

Dealer... uh...

What would you say... Squeak-squeaker!

Squeak-squeaker

That's a damn mouse!

A faggot mouse!

You're a damn faggot boy?

Of course not!

That's too bad because I'm gonna have to kill you

Wait a minute you no need to be hasty big boy

(- He's gay)
- Hey you're kind of cute

Sweet, for real?

He's so gay, he's fast, he's a queer

- Anything best
- Check up on

You girls,

start working on.

Come on.

Move it

(...Something...) He's tied.

Use all your womanly charms:

Cocksucking, fucking, all of them

No

No

Nooo!

Don't do that so good

See:

They're not working on us

Let's clear the four dollar bill

I do dropped the notice anyway

Looks like you ***, boy

If you don't sing the Donalds farm

with the damn ***

I just got no use for you

Hey, I think he's hurt

Get me out of these ropes

so I'll finish this fucker off

Really

It's a clap of an arrow

No, it's a car aerial antenna

with feather state to it

(*Roar*)

Shit!

*** Big Putts

Well, say you say Beulah honey?

I said are you sure this how they have interviews

in the big city?

I mean it's sure hard to talk

I know it must be hard

But you can ease up for a little while

Now,

Tell me again how you saw Big Putts at the outhouse

Well, it's pretty disgusting

Oh no much like this

He'll have my ass in a sling

Boss what are you doing here?

Your job is what I'm doing. You might

think my days are over as a reporter, but

I could still kick your ass when it

comes to a story. This fine lady has just

given me an exclusive: she's actually

seen Big Putts in action

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah

Yeah, well, let's have this for a headline:

National expiry reporter target Big Putts

his anger brush with death

I nearly ate it this time he says

Go on. Hotshot.

Oh the old man crumpled his arrow found his

mark was a tragic end to a man they call

Big Mac the much-loved banjo player who

knew every verse of Old MacDonald for memory

I hate the second.

Where does Big Putts coming all of this?

It sounds like my old Mac but it can't be

he never knew every verse of Old MacDonald

I want you to take me to the scene of the crime

First, you will go for my clothes right back

There you do the...

- That hello interview?
- Yeah

Sort of.

I've come you know any closer

Wow, nice essay

*** dart is a a spanish fly

is thought to be the only genuine aphrodisiac

they tend to make even the most frigid women

sexually ravenous

Isn't that something?

oh I'm not frigid dear, I'm just a highly

Oh I'm not frigid dear, I'm just a highly

moral type of individual

Hey it's my nail polish in the basket?

Let me see

"Sweet seduction"? What kind of name is

that for a color

Oh don't get any ideas here

How about a toast to married life

Oh dear, I'm all wet at the moment

Here let me help you

You'll be wetter soon enough

Drink, drink, drink up

I... I... Wow

Darling what is wrong with you?

What are you doing?

***

Come here, come here

Is anybody home?

*** to fall for this routine

I hate porridge

So exhausted

Secret to life

is *** *** when to get there

Time to find pet: Meenie Miney and Mo

I'll start with Meenie

because you're kinda cute

And I will play with *** ***

Open the door, darling.

*** *** with me.

Eat me...

Yes...

I love your tongue

It's rude to talk with a survival knife in your mouth

I'm sorry

Whatever you may think of us

I do apologize

I said I hope you like *** Iraqi 69

It will take the last of my day, but

this is a special occasion

"Excusez-moi"

I knew I knew I know, don't say it

I don't seem as mature as I look

Everybody says it and it makes me sick

*** hard to get up

Are you kidding?

if I was dressed the way I wanted to,

a Don Johnson sort of style, you know lots

of *** and aqua I would never get the

moment of peace

What are you doing out here?

Such a long story...

When are we cooking I tell you about it

- Okay
- Go into my tent

- Good
- After you...

...blow me down he said,

and an arrow came out of a tree

and *** forward

How *** ?

My god...

Better get him to the authorities

Hope the killer had his *** made up properly

I mean I don't even know if it was perfect season anyway

Arg.... Hee-ya hee-ya oh

Not dead yet. He's still alive!

(...and in his farm he has ...)

Oh look at this!

- What?
- Arrow went right through his bottle

Saved his life

When he'll finds out his bottle's been punctured that will kill him for sure

What the fuck was that?

It was Big Putts, there is no doubt

...with quack quack here and a quack quack there...

Again, good.

So I knew I had to project to develop this tremendous roar

all that theater playing it was very worthwhile

I guess you could call me the original screaming...

But why did you shoot that man back there?

Need to ask?

He was singing Old MacDonald had a farm

I mean why not? What a rare mood I mean

or comes to the cavalry old chum

"Old MacDonald had a farm", this should be a hanging crime

But you took the law into your own hands

judge Wapner would be *** of that

Sometimes you have to rise above the lord to do the right thing

*** top of that

I think I know what your problem is

I'm sorry Missy but women are not my cup of tea

Who's talking about tea?

I'm talking about sex

Who are you?

I'm your fairy godmother

Oh good. Fuck me fairy godmother

Who is it dear?

It's just fairy godmother

Fuck me, fairy godmother

Hold *** this time, okay?

Oh...

They must be healthier in the ***

I'm really sorry it happened honey

Well, I suppose every girl has to lose

her virginity at some time

I'm just glad it was with you

Goodbye fairy godmother

And Thank you

Okay

God, I've got find out Chelsea

Boy I need a drink

So what else is new?

All this chasing around in the woods

I'm tired. I get too old for it

*** I wonder have we changed

And not like Vinnie

He's on the Big Putts trail right now

Just like a cub reporter

Yeah, but he's got what it takes

to be a good newspaper reporter

He's got energy, and maturity, and

a whole warped mind

There's something different about you

Well maybe it's because I don't have half my clothes on

Huh. No, no, that's huh

That's different. You have a glow

Is it huh...

Is that *** I've been fucked

until my ears *** ?

Sounds good though

I don't suppose you'd consider

something serious sex

I like men *** nice and straight ***

My *** reporter

On my tits

Who do that?

Hate to admit it but I did

Maybe the roar is the Big Putts'

Better go out of here

This is yours, that's mine

- Hic!
- Excuse me?

No, this is his name

Mac Hic is the musical pervert

And you know what I want from you, boy

You won't get it

Now then what if I *** your girlfriend here?

What do you want from him?

He wants me to sing Old MacDonald and I won't do it

I truly ***, stand up yourself, Flambo

Get the *** away

And on his farm he had some cows

Hee-ya hee-ya oh.

With a moo-moo here, and a moo-moo there,

Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo...

Big Putts...!

I hear sound that a Big Putts make

It was alive

I never forget a face

Hey journalism has to rise above the facts

and fill ***