Wild Spirit (2003) - full transcript
The ghost of his teenage love returns to sensuously haunt a repressed sex-therapist on the even of his wedding to a calculating ice-queen.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[HAUNTING CHORAL, INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]
[FIREWORKS BURSTING]
[CHEERING AND SHOUTING]
Hey, you guys.
Hey.
Happy new year.
No, not for
another 15 minutes.
Give me this.
We're not going to
let this go to waste.
Mm-mm.
[LAUGHTER]
All right, guys.
Here's to being
together forever.
Mm.
Mm.
This stuff is good.
I didn't know what
I was missing.
Mm-mm.
Makes me feel different.
I like you just
the way you are.
Hey, want to get out of here?
Yeah.
Great.
I'll take that.
[LAUGHS]
There we go.
[LAUGHTER]
We're meant to be
together, you know?
I know.
Look how good we always fit.
My dad says we can't even think
about that stuff yet though.
Oh, who's thinking?
I'm feeling.
I love you so much.
We are going to be together.
Yeah, and what happens when
I move to Minnesota next week?
Well, we'll talk on the
phone, and I'll come visit.
I'll hitchhike all
the way if I have to.
Yeah, like dad would
really like that.
Hey.
I'm going to prove him wrong.
I am really going to
amount to something.
I'm going to-- I'm going to
play rock and roll music.
You couldn't carry
a tune in a bucket.
No, no.
I mean I'm going to play rock
and roll music on the radio.
And I'm going to
be a great painter.
I'm going to paint
portraits of you,
and I'm going to sell
them and make a fortune.
And then I'm going
to send for you.
You're dreaming.
And I love it.
Even though dad hates
you, mom loves you.
She even said, that man
is something special.
And I believe her.
Really?
Of course.
I would never lie to you.
[FIREWORKS BURSTING IN THE
DISTANCE]
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC
PLAYING]
Griffey, how come you
don't use your real name?
Lionel?
Yeah.
Sounds like a train.
Griffin's OK.
Griff's pretty cool
though, kind of macho.
I like Griffey.
You know in those old
movies, they used to drink
champagne out of a lady's shoe.
Uh.
Let's do that.
You're kidding.
OK.
What, me?
You.
[LAUGHING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
JOE: Griff, Griff!
We got to go.
Our parents are here.
Oh, shit.
Your father's
going to kill me.
I got to go.
Oh, Griffin, I
didn't want you to go.
I wanted you to make love to me.
I know.
Wanted you to be my first.
I know, honey.
I want that more than anything
too, but I'll be back.
I promise.
Griffey?
Wherever I go, wherever
I am, I'll call you.
[FIREWORKS BURSTING]
You're listening
to Dr. Lionel Griffin
on "Rational Romance," here on
the fourth day after Christmas.
We have Bob from
Centerville on the line.
Go ahead, Bob.
You're on the air.
BOB: Love your show, man.
Well, like, there was this
girl I knew in high school,
and I got an invite for
my 20th year reunion.
I'm kind of afraid.
Yeah, you're afraid
to see her again?
Understandable.
People change a lot in 20 years.
Don't go, Bob.
BOB: Huh?
No, not huh.
Don't go.
She's probably gained
30 pounds and has
kids hanging off of both boobs.
BOB: Wow, that's
pretty cold, man.
Yeah, but that's life.
Buy my book, "Rational
Romance and Sensible Sex."
Don't just read it
in the bookstore.
Next caller.
WOMAN: I have long,
flowing, blonde hair.
Really?
Are you hot?
WOMAN: Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Well, tell me what
you look like.
WOMAN: I have piercing
blue eyes that see all.
My lips are full and pouty.
My breasts are big and round.
I have a tiny, little
waist, long legs,
and a curvy, tight butt.
Sounds hot.
Is it true?
WOMAN: Oh, yeah.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Laura, folks, I
hate to do this,
but we've got some business.
Sorry, kids.
Joe, if she calls
again, you make
sure you put her right through.
As for us, we'll be
right back after this.
Joe, what the hell did you
do to the air conditioning?
There's a lot of
static electricity going
throughout the
building, and it's
messing with all the equipment.
Yeah.
Well, you know I don't like
it any warmer than 72 and 1/2
degrees Fahrenheit, Joe.
All right.
Well, calm down.
It'll cool down soon enough.
In fact, it just did.
I've been working on
our wedding plans, dear.
I've been with our
lawyer all morning.
And you know what?
He tossed out that silly prenup.
It's OK with you, isn't it?
Well--
Those are for divorced people.
You and I, we're going to
be together for at least--
30 seconds.
[SIGHING] I
totally trust Blake.
I mean, I owe him so much.
After all, he introduced us.
You're such a doll.
But you're on air,
so I will see you
exactly at 6:00 at your house.
It's time for my massage.
Mm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
And welcome back to
"Rational Romance."
This is Dr. Lionel Griffin.
And we have an open line.
Ah!
[SPARKING]
Whoops, we lost our
caller and our lights.
Sorry, folks.
My friend Joe, the engineer,
is adjusting the equipment.
Joe, are we on the air?
All right.
Well, I guess so.
It looks like we've
got our caller back.
WOMAN: Hello, Griffey.
Is that you?
Dr. Griffin, if
you don't mind.
You're on the air.
WOMAN: I've been trying
to reach you a long time.
All right, great,
a first time caller.
What's your name?
WOMAN: It's Marion.
I was so surprised
to hear your voice.
I've been trying to
find you for so long.
You're a little faint.
Are you on your cell phone?
MARION: My dad wouldn't
let me call you.
We were in the car
heading to Minnesota.
The roads were icy, and
there was a thunderstorm.
All right.
Get to the point, Marion.
MARION: I heard you talk
about forgetting the past.
What about New Year's Eve?
New Year's Eve, all right.
That's a few days away.
It's a great time for
turning that page,
putting your past behind.
MARION: All the things we said.
You were going to become an
artist and do a portrait of me,
play rock and roll on the radio.
Who is this?
MARION: Don't you remember
drinking champagne
from my shoe?
Drinking champagne
from your shoe?
Marion?
Marion?
Marion.
Well, what a pleasure.
You know, friends, I've
always told you that you have
to put your past behind you.
Look forward, never backward.
MARION: Quickly, I don't
think I have much time.
This caller was an old friend
who left me just 10 years ago.
And I never looked back.
Love is just a
four-letter word, people.
MARION: I've been
trying to explain.
Griffey, just let--
Oh, no, no.
This is my show, and I
have waited a long time
to say what I'm going to say.
Marion--
Griffey, you don't understand.
I couldn't--
Couldn't-- couldn't what?
What?
Marion?
[DIAL TONE]
I lost her.
Joe, I lost her.
Get her back.
All right.
It's going to be just a second.
No, no, no.
I mean, that caller, Marion.
Get her back.
What are you talking about?
Marion, she was on her
cell phone or something.
Griff, the phone line's
been dead for five minutes.
Dead air.
What do you mean dead air?
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[DOG BARKING]
INGRID: Mm, mm.
Yeah, that's good.
Mm, mm.
Yeah, a little harder.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm, yeah.
Mm.
Oh, Blake.
You always know how
to ruin a good time.
Mm.
I'm a lawyer, honey.
That's my job.
Mm.
It's also my office,
not a massage parlor.
I know.
Well, it's more time efficient
for me to get alcohol massage.
Plus, you're only six
blocks from Lionel's office.
What have you got for me?
Well, I did everything
that you asked.
Your name is now in all the
papers, executor and sole heir.
Mm.
So now if anything were to
accidentally happen to Griff,
everything would be yours.
Oh, where do I sign?
You don't, not
until you're married.
Oh, that.
And what about the
life insurance?
It's notarized and filed.
I've also arranged for a
yacht for your honeymoon.
The captain owes
me a favor anyway.
And you should be at
sea for two weeks.
That should give you
plenty of opportunity.
Oh, Blake.
You're so competent.
I aim to please.
Well, it'd please
me if you would
stop interrupting my massage.
Ah.
I could help with
that, you know.
You're a lawyer,
not a masseuse.
And remember, I'm engaged.
I wouldn't think of letting
another man touch me.
Uh, Ingrid, this is my office.
Mm.
Yes.
Be a darling, would
you, and scat.
Whatever.
Mm.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Maybe that electrical
surge connected you
to some random cell phone call.
No, no.
She called for a
reason, but why?
Well, you know,
actually, I tracked her
down through search engines.
So-- you got to
love those things.
She lives here in LA.
And we hadn't spoken
in about 10 years.
We heard the dead air.
Apparently we caught a lightning
bolt with our new antenna.
Yeah, OK, whatever.
Wait, you spoke to Tracy?
We have not heard
from Tracy or Marion
since they left for Minnesota.
Apparently she moved to
the suburbs and has two kids.
I thought they disappeared
into a fucking black hole.
Don't go crazy, man.
She's going to
come over tonight.
What's the deal, Mr. Griffin?
Did someone come
back from your past?
No.
It's nobody.
But was it someone you
knew, like an old flame?
It was just a girl I used
to know a very long time ago.
She disappeared, never
heard from her again.
I actually think
it had something
to do with her father.
He never really liked me much.
Well, maybe he was trying to--
I don't know-- protect her.
Oh, you think so?
Least she could have done is
told me to fuck off, I mean,
anything.
Do you know that
I hitchhiked all
the way to fucking Minnesota?
Have you ever been to Minnesota?
I searched all over
those goddamn lakes
and never found her.
It sounds pretty cold.
And no wonder you
wrote this book.
That's-- that's got
nothing to do with it.
I haven't given her a
second thought since.
I see.
Marion.
[MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
Marion, why didn't
you call 10 years ago?
And where are you today?
MARION: I'm upstairs in
your bed, where else?
Marion?
Marion.
Where have you been?
I've been looking
all over for you.
Oh, Griffey, I missed you too.
I tried to call as
soon as I could, but--
Yeah.
And about that phone call,
what kind of childish prank
was that?
And why didn't you ever
return any of my letters?
And when did you move
back to California?
Hey, when did you start
being such an old fart?
Got any champagne?
Oh, yeah.
No, no.
You cannot come waltzing
back into my life without
a word and climb into my bed--
my bed.
No.
You have to get out
of my bed right now.
Jeez, put some clothes on.
Jesus, my fiancee
is on her way over.
[SIGHS] Griffey,
don't be so silly.
Don't you remember how good
we used to fit together?
Yeah.
It was a long time ago, Marion.
Not for me.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh my god.
It's Ingrid.
Jesus, she will not
understand this.
She will not understand.
She can't see me.
Yeah, you're damn
right she can't.
- Griff.
- Come on.
Get in here right now, quick.
[OTHERWORLDLY SOUND]
Don't move.
Stay put.
INGRID: Darling,
are you upstairs?
Yes.
No.
No, I mean, I'm on my way down.
Hi, honey.
Hey.
You left the door open.
You really should
be more careful.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I know.
Anybody could come in.
Wait.
You are not wearing
that to dinner.
Wait here.
- Well--
I'll go pull something
out of your closet.
All right.
Well, don't get it-- no!
I mean, I can't--
I haven't-- the--
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I was expecting somebody.
Oh.
Hi.
Hey, stranger.
You know, it was so
bizarre, Joe just
calling me out of the blue.
Oh, I didn't know
you had company.
Tracy-- Tracy,
it's good to see you.
It's OK.
Tracy, this is my
fiancee, Ingrid Frost.
Charmed.
God, it's so good to see you.
Look-- come in.
Come in.
I mean, you look great.
Ingrid, Tracy's sister
is the one who's up in--
back from my high school days.
God, I mean, what happened
to you guys, Tracy?
Well, I married
a wonderful man.
I have two beautiful children
and a house out in Simi Valley.
How great.
Is that picture of--
Yeah, Marion.
Yeah.
I painted it a year
after you guys moved.
You know, that was--
that was a pretty cold
thing that Marion did,
breaking up with me like that.
You know, maybe it had
something to do with the fact
that she promised to spend
the rest of her life with me.
I don't know.
I just never really
got over her.
But I did put all that
in my past, honey.
So, Tracy.
What I really want to
know, I mean, so that--
so I can really put
the past behind me
for good was if
you could tell me
why Marion dumped me like that.
You mean you don't know
what happened to Marion?
Well, I have a pretty good
idea where she ended up.
Joe didn't tell you?
Well, he said I
should get it from you.
And well, here you are.
Oh, Marion really
cared about you,
but good old daddy didn't think
you had too good of a future.
Back in your starving
artist days, huh?
Yeah.
Well, you know, that's kind
of funny because really it
was her father that sort
of encouraged me to succeed
and, well, so I'd be
good enough for Marion.
So tragic to lose somebody.
Yeah-- lose?
What do you mean, lose?
What, she find a new
boyfriend and just
didn't have the
courage to tell me,
to say goodbye, adios, anything?
Griff, you should
probably brace yourself.
All right.
[SIGHING] You know, it
was really dark outside,
and the roads were icy.
There was lightning everywhere.
I was the only survivor.
And even I was in a
coma for over a year.
Wait, wait, wait.
Coma, what do you mean?
Oh, wait a minute.
Now I understand.
Sure, sure.
Trauma could have
caused someone to be
so twisted around that
they would become obsessed.
Yeah, that's it.
Griff, you're not
listening to me.
No, no, no.
It's perfectly logical--
first, a trauma, then amnesia,
then obsession, and
then even stalking me.
It totally explains what
might have happened to Marion.
I suppose it could,
but it doesn't.
Well, what do you mean?
Griff, Marion
died 10 years ago.
Yeah, right.
I know that it's
hard to believe.
Yeah, extremely hard.
[SIGHING] You know,
after I got out of a coma,
I had to disconnect all ties.
I had to start fresh.
Exactly what Lionel
suggests in his book.
Now we have a dinner engagement.
Yeah, sorry.
Um--
You know, I'm sorry
if any of this hurt you.
Marion, she wouldn't
have wanted it that way.
Yeah.
But the house
looks really great.
[CHUCKLES]
Lot cleaner than I remember.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, well.
It was really nice seeing you.
Yeah.
And you know, I
still think about her.
And I know that she's
up there, just waiting.
Yeah.
You could say that.
Well, great to see you.
Bye.
Bye.
Huh.
Well.
Excuse me one minute.
[OTHERWORLDLY SOUND]
Don't tell me.
You see dead people.
I am dead people.
Look, why are you here?
Griffey, we left
something unfinished,
and I have the chance to fix it.
We need to make love.
Wha-- what?
No, no, no.
I can't.
I won't.
Look at you.
You're some kind of ghost.
Well, got any champagne?
What-- what is with the cham--
OK, look.
I must be nuts.
Fine.
We'll have a few drinks,
talk about old times,
and then you'll go back wherever
it is you're supposed to go.
Great.
I'll go get the champagne.
No, no.
I will bring the champagne up.
You just stay out of
sight or whatever.
Lionel!
Oh, Ingrid.
I'm sorry.
I can't go to dinner with you.
Something's come up.
I-- I got to get out of here.
[SITAR MUSIC, DRUMS PLAYING]
Wow, great place.
Yeah.
I'm into candle magic,
as well as other things.
You know, it's
amazing the deals you
can find at the supermarket.
Good vibes--
Mhm.
--I guess.
I vacuumed.
I wanted tonight and this
place to be absolutely perfect.
When we met, it was just--
In the produce department.
Yeah, near the
squash and the sprouts.
You know, there's a reason
why we were brought together.
There's something--
Sounds kind of cosmic.
I like that.
Yeah, me too.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I think we just
unblocked your qi.
We definitely
unblocked something.
Your qi, it's
your life energy.
And it's important that it flows
to all points of your body.
It definitely flowed.
Yeah.
And that's only the beginning.
I brought my sage, my tarot
cards, and Kama Sutra oil.
Well, that's good because
I brought my toothbrush.
Good.
We have the whole night
to ourselves then.
Cool.
[KNOCKING]
You order pizza?
No.
[KNOCKING]
Come in.
[DOOR OPENING]
Hey.
JOE: Griff, come on in.
What's going on?
Um, I need to talk.
Look, I'm interrupting.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, yeah.
We'll see you later.
I'm Lila.
Have a good--
Hi.
Ooh, heavy vibes.
Your aura is all messed up.
Yeah, I'm not surprised.
Look, I should go.
Yeah.
We'll see you.
Call you tomorrow.
Joe, it's OK.
He just got here.
Well, I don't want
you to have to leave.
It's OK.
You guys have guy talk to do.
I understand.
I can just stay at
my girlfriend's.
She's right next door.
Yeah.
You know, really it's--
I'm OK.
It's OK.
You know what?
I'll see you tomorrow, OK?
[DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING]
She's sweet.
Yeah.
She's sweet.
She's pretty kinky.
She unblocked my cheese
whiz or something.
What's up?
I saw Marion tonight.
You mean you
saw Tracy tonight?
I saw her too,
but I saw Marion.
And she looks exactly the same.
What are you talking about?
Marion, she was
naked in my bed.
And I put her in the
closet because Ingrid came.
And then I went downstairs and
saw her in the refrigerator.
And then--
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
OK.
You're telling me that there
was a dead chick in your bed,
so you took her to the closet.
And then you took Ingrid and
threw her in the refrigerator.
What am I going
to do about Marion?
This isn't about Marion.
This is about Ingrid.
Oh, no, no.
Ingrid I can handle.
She's alive.
Hey.
Do you think this had
something to do with that power
surge we had today?
I mean--
- No.
Come on.
I fixed that.
What if-- what if
something else happened?
What if we brought
something over from beyond?
Got to lay off the coffee.
You're freaking me out, OK?
I know you got your book.
I know you got your marriage.
I know you got your show,
all right, but you got to--
you're totally stressed out.
Look at you.
Yeah, well, maybe.
But that does not
explain Marion.
All right.
Let's talk about that
ice queen, Ingrid.
When's the last time
you slept with her?
We don't exactly
sleep together.
I mean, we don't spend a
lot of time in the bedroom.
OK, right, like the back of
your Chevy, the kitchen floor.
I had this Asian chick
once, and we used
to just do it in the elevator.
Are you saying that you
don't sleep with her?
We respect each other.
Oh, boy.
Look, I have an 18-year-old
spook living in my house,
and I want her out.
All right.
You got to go see a therapist.
I am a therapist.
Act like one.
Right, right.
OK.
So whether she's a real
ghost or a projection,
she's entered my life
at a critical point.
Right, when you're on
your way to the loony bin.
Yes.
Yes.
She's symbolic of
my lost youth--
the freedom, the
passion, the fun.
Yeah, of course.
OK.
So you're all right now?
Yeah.
We're fine?
There's no ghost in your house?
OK, cool.
Can I stay here tonight?
Yeah.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
OK.
Look, I know you're just
a projection of my--
superimposed on my super ego.
And that's it.
And I'm OK with that.
You're just a figment
of my imagination.
[OTHERWORLDLY SOUND]
[GASPS]
If you're going to
talk to me, you better
talk to me while I'm here.
Oh, Jesus, I thought I was.
Great.
Now you've got me
talking to myself.
What is that you've got on?
I found it in your drawer.
Is it yours?
No.
That is for Ingrid
on our wedding night.
Don't they give you people
clothes where you come from?
I cannot have you running
around here naked.
Well, why not?
Well, uh--
You're the only one
here that sees me.
Uh, because, uh,
it distracts me.
Look, I've got to go to work.
Millions of people are expecting
to get advice from me today.
Well, hurry back.
I want to see you too.
I want to hear your voice.
Well, then you can
just listen to my show.
I will.
But this time, be nice.
You're always so rude.
No, I'm not rude.
I'm just-- I'm sensible.
Well, you used
to be so carefree.
You wanted to be an artist.
What happened?
I guess I grew up.
I think you grew up too much.
And we're ready
for our next caller.
Hi, Griff.
It's me again, Laura.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Do you believe that your
dreams can come true?
Hm.
Well, Laura, you know, last
week, I would have told you
not to believe in
anything except what
was right in front of you.
But now I think we have to
be open to a lot of things,
including your dreams.
What kind of dream did you have?
Well, first I dreamed
I met the perfect man.
Then the next day, I did.
Really?
Tell me about it.
He took me on my first picnic.
I never knew sex outdoors
could be so thrilling.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
That's great, Laura.
That just goes to show you
that your dreams can come true.
So folks, the moral here is
never give up on your dreams.
Thanks again for calling, Laura.
We're ready to take
our next caller.
Go ahead.
Hey, doc.
This is Paul in Pennsylvania.
I know you disapprove of
going back to the past,
but I started seeing my
old girlfriend again.
That's great.
How long ago were you apart?
Six months.
I couldn't get her
out of my mind.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
How are you doing now?
Great.
We were both miserable, then we
realized we could work it out.
That's great.
Best of luck to you.
We'll break for a commercial,
and then we'll be right back.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, Griff.
You sure you're
feeling all right?
Never better.
Hiya, Toots.
What's happening?
I'm picking out China
patterns for the wedding.
Stop by Franco's after your
show so you can help me.
Mm, no.
That'd bore the shit out of me.
Why don't you go by yourself?
Lionel, what's come over you?
We have plans this afternoon.
We're on a very tight schedule.
Uh, no.
I promised Marion I would
take her for a walk.
You mean Marion, your
ghostly little friend?
Yeah.
She didn't get out much.
Hello, hello.
You're on the air.
I'm Candy.
You're, like, so laid back.
I don't have a problem.
I just wanted to say
you've got a killer show.
So Candy--
How long has he
been acting so weird?
Since yesterday.
He came to my
chick's house, said
that he needed to sleep
over because there's
a ghost in his house.
Mm, uh huh.
He's been obsessing about
that old girlfriend of his.
Well, that's going to
have to stop and now.
You know, my girl thinks
she can do exorcisms.
Maybe she can.
Hm, really?
I like the dress.
Sheer echoplasm.
I made it myself.
I heard your show.
You're sweet.
Where did you meet that--
Ingrid.
My lawyer, Blake, introduced us.
He thought we'd be compatible.
She's not right
for you, Griffey.
She's not right for
the Griffin you know.
10 years older now and
I'm a different person.
You know that.
You're the same inside, the
same boy I fell in love with.
I can prove it.
Kiss me.
God, I love you.
Marion, I-- I want to
keep you in my life.
I just-- I don't know how.
Did you listen
to his show today?
He's behaving like a
lunatic, a nutcase.
Well, he sounded
harmless enough to me.
Yeah.
You don't have to
sleep with him.
And neither do you.
Hey.
Anyway, this is perfect.
You know, you go
ahead and marry him.
I'll have a friend of mine
who's a psychotherapist
certify him that he's crazy.
And have him locked
up in a loony bin?
Yeah.
What are my friends
going to think?
I'll be the laughingstock
of the neighborhood.
I think I'll indulge
him just for now,
but I've got something in mind.
Stella, go ahead and take off.
I'll lock out.
Thanks, Mr. Peters.
See you tomorrow.
Now, what is this
little plan of yours?
GRIFFIN: Chapter four,
more pictures, maybe trees.
Yeah, trees are nice.
Oh.
Big problems with chapter 10,
Putting Your Past to Sleep--
maybe a rewrite.
Hey.
Hi.
Why don't we go drink
some champagne and dance?
You, stop trying to tempt me.
Uh, no.
Just throw it out,
skip to chapter 11.
Marion.
Look, we can be together,
just not like that.
Can't you understand?
I promised Ingrid
I would marry her.
And you promised me
you'd make love to me.
Oh, please.
Marion.
Ingrid and I are
faithful to each other.
Oh, really?
Are you sure?
Yes, absolutely faithful.
I would stick my life on it.
Yes, woo.
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
[LAUGHING] All gone.
Isn't this stuff great?
Oh, yeah.
I'm going to go get some
more from the kitchen.
Hey, maybe you better
take it easy on this stuff.
Hey, I'll be right back.
[KNOCKING]
[SIGHING]
[DOOR CLOSING]
Hey, guy.
What was with that act
on the radio today?
Got my ass chewed out.
On the show?
That's the new me.
They hired the
old you, you know,
the authority on relationships
guy, not this UFO, spiritual,
conspiracy theory guy.
Yeah, it's just
the new format.
Besides, I didn't say
anything about UFOs.
We'll do that tomorrow.
[CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS]
Is that a champagne cork?
No.
Mice.
Mice?
That drink champagne?
It's a very
exclusive neighborhood.
Joe, relax.
Take life much too seriously.
Me?
They're going to fire you.
I'll get another job.
Hey, maybe I can paint.
[LAUGHING]
Maybe you need
a bachelor party.
All this Marion stuff is
getting way out of control.
Joe, Joe.
Do I look uptight to you?
No, you don't.
And that's what's getting to me.
What is that?
It's just a little
poltergeist activity, nothing
to worry about around here.
What were you saying?
I'm saying, buddy, we've got
to get you a bachelor party.
Going to call your friends.
We're going to get together.
It's going to be a good time.
You are my friends.
All right.
The two of us, we're
going to go downtown.
We're going to drink some
beers, get some girls.
Yeah, now you're talking.
Yeah.
GRIFFIN: Yeah!
We'll be doing
some dancing, getting
some strippers all up on you.
It's going to be good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
All right.
Uh, later.
Oh, yeah.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHING] Whatever he
saw, he won't believe it.
Hey.
Are you still ticklish?
Oh, no.
No, no, you don't.
[LAUGHING]
[SITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
I have Ingrid's
number right here.
So why don't you
give her a call?
OK.
[DIALING]
Yeah, Ingrid?
Hey, it's me.
Uh huh.
Lila's here.
She's ready.
OK.
We'll see you at Griff's.
No, no, no.
I got everything, got
the whole nine yards.
Got the bell, the book, candle.
All right.
OK.
All right.
Going to have a
psychic intervention.
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
[LAUGHING]
So when was the last
time you laughed like that?
Never.
You are a little she-devil.
Griffey.
No.
I meant what I said.
Marion, look.
I told you, we
can stay together.
You just-- we just can't--
Do it?
Yeah, right.
So I'm here because
I'm a good tickler?
I can use a good laugh
every now and then.
So what other parts
of you are ticklish?
No, no.
[LAUGHING]
[OTHERWORLDLY SOUNDS]
[DISTORTED ELECTRONIC MUSIC
PLAYING]
Well, get over it,
pal, and get a life.
Next caller.
WOMAN: Hi.
I've read your books,
and I got a question.
Well, if you'd
really read them,
then you wouldn't have any
questions now, would you?
WOMAN: I was going to
ask about my husband.
He's as big a jerk as you are.
But you answered my question.
I don't have to
put up with this.
Good.
Another satisfied caller.
You're listening to
"Rational Romance."
I'm Dr. Lionel Griffin,
and it's New Year's Eve.
MARION: Griffey, I've
been waiting for you.
Griffey, I didn't go anywhere.
I'm still here.
[CAR BEEPS]
Griffey.
Hey, I know that seance
wasn't your idea.
Griffey, just-- if you ask me
to come back, I can come back.
Just ask.
Course, darling.
Yeah.
Taking it to the
dumpster as we speak.
INGRID (ON PHONE): And
about the New Year's party,
all the best people
will be there,
so we need to make
a good impression.
Pick up your tux at
the dry cleaner's.
We're expected to
be there at 8:00.
[TAPPING]
I can't get in.
INGRID (ON PHONE):
Lionel, did you hear me?
Huh?
Yeah, of course.
I just-- nevermind.
INGRID (ON PHONE): I'll
stop by later with Blake.
We have some papers
for you to sign.
Fine.
I'll see you then.
[TAPPING]
Please, Griffey.
It's cold.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I just can't leave him.
Stupid, not blind.
I could just see it now.
He has too much to drink, slips
and falls on the wet deck,
and I'm rid of him.
Hm.
You bitch.
I wonder if I should push his
body overboard just to be sure.
What, and wait seven years
to have him declared dead?
Nah.
We need a body.
Look.
You bastard.
Have him sign here,
but for God's sake,
don't let him study it.
I put a loophole in here that
makes you sole heir whether he
is married to you or not.
Oh.
All of his assets
would be transferred
to you in his untimely death.
Let's get this over with.
Meet me on the
corner in 20 minutes.
I'll arrange to have us
all meet at your office,
and then we can head
to the party, OK?
[CAR STARTS]
I've got to get
into that house.
See, I don't get it.
And you know what?
I don't like it.
Now he's a complete asshole.
Liked him better
when he was crazy.
Something's
coming through here.
It's not good news.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
A loving woman, the home--
helplessness, restrictions.
This is really heavy.
Failure, death.
Maybe I better
go check on him.
There's an exchange
that's going to take
place between two people.
I don't understand
yet what it is,
but there's an exchange
that's going to take place.
MARION'S VOICE: I can't get
in, but somebody else can.
Lila, pick up a crystal.
[MYSTICAL SOUNDS]
Are you OK?
Well, I could stand
to lose 10 pounds.
And these nails.
[GROANS]
Oh.
I'm glad to see you got in
touch with your feminine side.
Beer?
Champagne is so much better.
That feels much better.
Lila, what the hell?
I got to go.
Griffey needs me.
[DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING]
Baby, I can sign this later.
You know what?
Let's just get it
out of the way.
We don't want to worry about
a thing on our honeymoon.
OK?
Here.
Whatever you say.
And there.
Perfect.
I trust you.
You're going to be my wife.
And we will share everything.
Yes, baby, everything.
You know what?
I think I'll run
this over to Blake's.
Yeah, but--
So don't forget, his
office, 8 o'clock sharp.
[SIGHS]
[KNOCKING]
Are you expecting someone?
No, not that I know of.
Hi, Lila.
What's up?
Where's Joe?
You must invite me in.
You're awfully formal.
Fine.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Hey.
[LAUGHING] Sorry.
I couldn't help myself.
You've always had
such a great vibe.
God, I've missed you so much.
Yeah.
Well, why don't you sit down,
make yourself comfortable.
Would you like a beer?
No.
Beer's icky.
Got any champagne?
I do.
OK.
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
There's nothing on the wall.
Looks kind of empty
without Griffey's painting.
Yes.
Well, as much as I love
discussing art, I have to go.
You don't have a car.
That's right.
I'll walk.
Thank you.
8 o'clock, Mike's office.
Be there.
Honey, kiss.
Oh, thank god.
I thought she would never leave.
Look, I don't have
much time, and I really
got to tell you something.
I love you so much.
That's awfully sudden.
I want you to be my first.
Your first what?
Griffey, I need you
to make love to me.
[LAUGHING] What's
gotten into you, Lila?
She's planning to kill you.
I overheard her.
She is planning an accident on
your honeymoon on the yacht.
Wait a minute.
How did you know about the--
Excuse me.
Wait a minute.
You're drunk.
Lila, go home.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I know things that
you don't know.
Listen to me.
Right.
People all over the
country call me for advice,
and you know more than I do.
That's not what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is you're just--
you're just too sweet
for your own good.
Sorry.
I'm a little-- Griffey,
you can't marry her.
You cannot marry her.
You sound like a
jealous teenager.
Listen to me.
[HICCUPS] [CLEARS THROAT]
Griffey, don't be such
a grown up all the time, OK?
Look, I'm not
listening to you anymore.
Just go.
- No.
It's me.
It's me.
Marion?
Yeah.
How?
The wand, crystals, magic.
Come on.
Let's go out to
the pool and talk.
So where is the lucky man?
Exactly.
Be late for his own funeral.
Well, it's still early.
Idiot, standing me up on
New Year's Eve, doing god
knows what with god knows who.
Well, we'll give
him another half hour.
That gives us just a
little bit more time.
Griffey, what's the one thing
that stands between you and I?
[CORK POPS]
Ingrid.
But look, let's leave
her out of this, OK?
No.
I mean, the one
incompatibility we have.
There's not just one.
There's a hundred.
I mean, I have a
different life now.
I have a life.
That's the difference.
OK.
Well, would it be so
bad if you joined me?
I mean, if you were
where I am and what I am?
You're dead.
I know.
Well, I don't think I
would like that very much.
Well, if it means keeping
you happy, me going--
well, I wouldn't want
you to die just for me.
Wait, what do you mean die?
What are you talking about?
Well, that's the only
way we can be together.
And I don't want
that if you don't.
Well, I don't.
I like breathing,
thank you very much.
But that woman,
she wants you dead.
I heard her and that
lawyer talking about it.
All right.
Stop right there.
OK, I understand
jealousy, but when
you start talking lies about the
woman that I'm going to marry,
it's too much.
Griffey, I told you a long
time ago I'd never lie to you.
I don't want to hear it.
Griffey, why are you
being so hardheaded?
Look, please just
leave me alone.
Wait, Marion.
[GROANS]
Griffey, Griffey?
Griffey?
Hm?
Griffey, are you OK?
Oh.
Yeah.
[GROANS]
I guess my head isn't as
hard as I thought it was.
[HAUNTING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING]
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have done that.
I'm not sorry.
But you have to
want to be with me.
I do, more than anything.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
God.
You're such a flipping wuss.
Couldn't you have
driven any faster?
On New Year's Eve with
all the cops out there?
Yeah.
You're so slow.
And I still can't believe we
didn't make it to the party.
Ingrid, don't you trust him?
Yeah, I trust him, but
there's nothing funny going on.
Where the hell is he?
God, I've always loved you.
I know.
I know now.
Oh, god.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh my god.
We've got to call
the paramedics.
No, no, not so fast.
But-- but--
Blake, don't you see?
This is absolutely perfect.
No, but we got
to do something.
We can't just--
Blake, calm down.
But--
Look, he's already
signed the paperwork.
Now I don't have to marry him.
Let me see.
Griffin, wake up.
No.
I'm so sleepy.
Griffin, wake up.
You have to go back.
No.
I'm going to stay here with you.
That was easier
than I thought.
You mean he's--
Yep, he's dead.
Oh, you're a
very wealthy woman.
[LAUGHING]
[GASPING]
Hey.
You hit me.
I had to.
You have to go back.
It isn't your time yet.
No.
I'm going to stay here with you.
Griffin, I can't
let you die to do it.
You kept a promise.
You said you'd make love to me.
And it was wonderful.
I can leave in peace now.
You have to go back.
No.
No, I'm not leaving you.
Marion, I have found what I've
been looking for all this time.
I found it again.
And I am not going
to lose you now.
But you have things to do.
You can't let those
two get away with it.
No.
Marion, I'm not going to
leave you, unless you tell me
you don't want me.
Then I don't want you.
Go.
Go.
Lionel!
I mean, I thought--
I thought you were dead.
I was so scared, honey.
No, I'm very
much alive, Ingrid.
It's your little
plan that's dead.
The wedding's off, Ingrid.
So get the hell off my property.
This is all your fault,
you and your stupid plan.
Well, you said he was dead.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my head.
Hey, Lila.
Oh.
Lila, Griff.
What's happening?
Hey, Joe.
How did I get here?
Marion had something
to do with that.
Oh.
Hey, it's almost midnight.
Don't you have plans?
Yeah.
Um, what happened to you?
Uh, took a little
dip in the pool.
Well, that's good.
Good to have the old Griff back.
[LAUGHING] Hey, I'm
not getting married, Joe.
That's really good.
You want to come with us?
Come on.
No.
You know what?
Go on.
I'm going to stay here.
All right.
See you next year.
Happy new year.
[DOOR CLOSING]
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, I guess I can go now.
I just stopped by to say
goodbye and thank you.
It's good to see
you one more time.
You know, a long time ago
you promised never to leave me.
And now here I am,
leaving you instead.
You came into my life
at exactly the right time
when I needed you most.
And now you're leaving
me more alone than ever.
It doesn't seem fair, does it?
I'm sorry.
I'm not.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[HAUNTING CHORAL, INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]
[HAUNTING CHORAL, INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]
[FIREWORKS BURSTING]
[CHEERING AND SHOUTING]
Hey, you guys.
Hey.
Happy new year.
No, not for
another 15 minutes.
Give me this.
We're not going to
let this go to waste.
Mm-mm.
[LAUGHTER]
All right, guys.
Here's to being
together forever.
Mm.
Mm.
This stuff is good.
I didn't know what
I was missing.
Mm-mm.
Makes me feel different.
I like you just
the way you are.
Hey, want to get out of here?
Yeah.
Great.
I'll take that.
[LAUGHS]
There we go.
[LAUGHTER]
We're meant to be
together, you know?
I know.
Look how good we always fit.
My dad says we can't even think
about that stuff yet though.
Oh, who's thinking?
I'm feeling.
I love you so much.
We are going to be together.
Yeah, and what happens when
I move to Minnesota next week?
Well, we'll talk on the
phone, and I'll come visit.
I'll hitchhike all
the way if I have to.
Yeah, like dad would
really like that.
Hey.
I'm going to prove him wrong.
I am really going to
amount to something.
I'm going to-- I'm going to
play rock and roll music.
You couldn't carry
a tune in a bucket.
No, no.
I mean I'm going to play rock
and roll music on the radio.
And I'm going to
be a great painter.
I'm going to paint
portraits of you,
and I'm going to sell
them and make a fortune.
And then I'm going
to send for you.
You're dreaming.
And I love it.
Even though dad hates
you, mom loves you.
She even said, that man
is something special.
And I believe her.
Really?
Of course.
I would never lie to you.
[FIREWORKS BURSTING IN THE
DISTANCE]
[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC
PLAYING]
Griffey, how come you
don't use your real name?
Lionel?
Yeah.
Sounds like a train.
Griffin's OK.
Griff's pretty cool
though, kind of macho.
I like Griffey.
You know in those old
movies, they used to drink
champagne out of a lady's shoe.
Uh.
Let's do that.
You're kidding.
OK.
What, me?
You.
[LAUGHING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
JOE: Griff, Griff!
We got to go.
Our parents are here.
Oh, shit.
Your father's
going to kill me.
I got to go.
Oh, Griffin, I
didn't want you to go.
I wanted you to make love to me.
I know.
Wanted you to be my first.
I know, honey.
I want that more than anything
too, but I'll be back.
I promise.
Griffey?
Wherever I go, wherever
I am, I'll call you.
[FIREWORKS BURSTING]
You're listening
to Dr. Lionel Griffin
on "Rational Romance," here on
the fourth day after Christmas.
We have Bob from
Centerville on the line.
Go ahead, Bob.
You're on the air.
BOB: Love your show, man.
Well, like, there was this
girl I knew in high school,
and I got an invite for
my 20th year reunion.
I'm kind of afraid.
Yeah, you're afraid
to see her again?
Understandable.
People change a lot in 20 years.
Don't go, Bob.
BOB: Huh?
No, not huh.
Don't go.
She's probably gained
30 pounds and has
kids hanging off of both boobs.
BOB: Wow, that's
pretty cold, man.
Yeah, but that's life.
Buy my book, "Rational
Romance and Sensible Sex."
Don't just read it
in the bookstore.
Next caller.
WOMAN: I have long,
flowing, blonde hair.
Really?
Are you hot?
WOMAN: Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Well, tell me what
you look like.
WOMAN: I have piercing
blue eyes that see all.
My lips are full and pouty.
My breasts are big and round.
I have a tiny, little
waist, long legs,
and a curvy, tight butt.
Sounds hot.
Is it true?
WOMAN: Oh, yeah.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Laura, folks, I
hate to do this,
but we've got some business.
Sorry, kids.
Joe, if she calls
again, you make
sure you put her right through.
As for us, we'll be
right back after this.
Joe, what the hell did you
do to the air conditioning?
There's a lot of
static electricity going
throughout the
building, and it's
messing with all the equipment.
Yeah.
Well, you know I don't like
it any warmer than 72 and 1/2
degrees Fahrenheit, Joe.
All right.
Well, calm down.
It'll cool down soon enough.
In fact, it just did.
I've been working on
our wedding plans, dear.
I've been with our
lawyer all morning.
And you know what?
He tossed out that silly prenup.
It's OK with you, isn't it?
Well--
Those are for divorced people.
You and I, we're going to
be together for at least--
30 seconds.
[SIGHING] I
totally trust Blake.
I mean, I owe him so much.
After all, he introduced us.
You're such a doll.
But you're on air,
so I will see you
exactly at 6:00 at your house.
It's time for my massage.
Mm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
And welcome back to
"Rational Romance."
This is Dr. Lionel Griffin.
And we have an open line.
Ah!
[SPARKING]
Whoops, we lost our
caller and our lights.
Sorry, folks.
My friend Joe, the engineer,
is adjusting the equipment.
Joe, are we on the air?
All right.
Well, I guess so.
It looks like we've
got our caller back.
WOMAN: Hello, Griffey.
Is that you?
Dr. Griffin, if
you don't mind.
You're on the air.
WOMAN: I've been trying
to reach you a long time.
All right, great,
a first time caller.
What's your name?
WOMAN: It's Marion.
I was so surprised
to hear your voice.
I've been trying to
find you for so long.
You're a little faint.
Are you on your cell phone?
MARION: My dad wouldn't
let me call you.
We were in the car
heading to Minnesota.
The roads were icy, and
there was a thunderstorm.
All right.
Get to the point, Marion.
MARION: I heard you talk
about forgetting the past.
What about New Year's Eve?
New Year's Eve, all right.
That's a few days away.
It's a great time for
turning that page,
putting your past behind.
MARION: All the things we said.
You were going to become an
artist and do a portrait of me,
play rock and roll on the radio.
Who is this?
MARION: Don't you remember
drinking champagne
from my shoe?
Drinking champagne
from your shoe?
Marion?
Marion?
Marion.
Well, what a pleasure.
You know, friends, I've
always told you that you have
to put your past behind you.
Look forward, never backward.
MARION: Quickly, I don't
think I have much time.
This caller was an old friend
who left me just 10 years ago.
And I never looked back.
Love is just a
four-letter word, people.
MARION: I've been
trying to explain.
Griffey, just let--
Oh, no, no.
This is my show, and I
have waited a long time
to say what I'm going to say.
Marion--
Griffey, you don't understand.
I couldn't--
Couldn't-- couldn't what?
What?
Marion?
[DIAL TONE]
I lost her.
Joe, I lost her.
Get her back.
All right.
It's going to be just a second.
No, no, no.
I mean, that caller, Marion.
Get her back.
What are you talking about?
Marion, she was on her
cell phone or something.
Griff, the phone line's
been dead for five minutes.
Dead air.
What do you mean dead air?
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[DOG BARKING]
INGRID: Mm, mm.
Yeah, that's good.
Mm, mm.
Yeah, a little harder.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm, yeah.
Mm.
Oh, Blake.
You always know how
to ruin a good time.
Mm.
I'm a lawyer, honey.
That's my job.
Mm.
It's also my office,
not a massage parlor.
I know.
Well, it's more time efficient
for me to get alcohol massage.
Plus, you're only six
blocks from Lionel's office.
What have you got for me?
Well, I did everything
that you asked.
Your name is now in all the
papers, executor and sole heir.
Mm.
So now if anything were to
accidentally happen to Griff,
everything would be yours.
Oh, where do I sign?
You don't, not
until you're married.
Oh, that.
And what about the
life insurance?
It's notarized and filed.
I've also arranged for a
yacht for your honeymoon.
The captain owes
me a favor anyway.
And you should be at
sea for two weeks.
That should give you
plenty of opportunity.
Oh, Blake.
You're so competent.
I aim to please.
Well, it'd please
me if you would
stop interrupting my massage.
Ah.
I could help with
that, you know.
You're a lawyer,
not a masseuse.
And remember, I'm engaged.
I wouldn't think of letting
another man touch me.
Uh, Ingrid, this is my office.
Mm.
Yes.
Be a darling, would
you, and scat.
Whatever.
Mm.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Maybe that electrical
surge connected you
to some random cell phone call.
No, no.
She called for a
reason, but why?
Well, you know,
actually, I tracked her
down through search engines.
So-- you got to
love those things.
She lives here in LA.
And we hadn't spoken
in about 10 years.
We heard the dead air.
Apparently we caught a lightning
bolt with our new antenna.
Yeah, OK, whatever.
Wait, you spoke to Tracy?
We have not heard
from Tracy or Marion
since they left for Minnesota.
Apparently she moved to
the suburbs and has two kids.
I thought they disappeared
into a fucking black hole.
Don't go crazy, man.
She's going to
come over tonight.
What's the deal, Mr. Griffin?
Did someone come
back from your past?
No.
It's nobody.
But was it someone you
knew, like an old flame?
It was just a girl I used
to know a very long time ago.
She disappeared, never
heard from her again.
I actually think
it had something
to do with her father.
He never really liked me much.
Well, maybe he was trying to--
I don't know-- protect her.
Oh, you think so?
Least she could have done is
told me to fuck off, I mean,
anything.
Do you know that
I hitchhiked all
the way to fucking Minnesota?
Have you ever been to Minnesota?
I searched all over
those goddamn lakes
and never found her.
It sounds pretty cold.
And no wonder you
wrote this book.
That's-- that's got
nothing to do with it.
I haven't given her a
second thought since.
I see.
Marion.
[MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
Marion, why didn't
you call 10 years ago?
And where are you today?
MARION: I'm upstairs in
your bed, where else?
Marion?
Marion.
Where have you been?
I've been looking
all over for you.
Oh, Griffey, I missed you too.
I tried to call as
soon as I could, but--
Yeah.
And about that phone call,
what kind of childish prank
was that?
And why didn't you ever
return any of my letters?
And when did you move
back to California?
Hey, when did you start
being such an old fart?
Got any champagne?
Oh, yeah.
No, no.
You cannot come waltzing
back into my life without
a word and climb into my bed--
my bed.
No.
You have to get out
of my bed right now.
Jeez, put some clothes on.
Jesus, my fiancee
is on her way over.
[SIGHS] Griffey,
don't be so silly.
Don't you remember how good
we used to fit together?
Yeah.
It was a long time ago, Marion.
Not for me.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh my god.
It's Ingrid.
Jesus, she will not
understand this.
She will not understand.
She can't see me.
Yeah, you're damn
right she can't.
- Griff.
- Come on.
Get in here right now, quick.
[OTHERWORLDLY SOUND]
Don't move.
Stay put.
INGRID: Darling,
are you upstairs?
Yes.
No.
No, I mean, I'm on my way down.
Hi, honey.
Hey.
You left the door open.
You really should
be more careful.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I know.
Anybody could come in.
Wait.
You are not wearing
that to dinner.
Wait here.
- Well--
I'll go pull something
out of your closet.
All right.
Well, don't get it-- no!
I mean, I can't--
I haven't-- the--
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I was expecting somebody.
Oh.
Hi.
Hey, stranger.
You know, it was so
bizarre, Joe just
calling me out of the blue.
Oh, I didn't know
you had company.
Tracy-- Tracy,
it's good to see you.
It's OK.
Tracy, this is my
fiancee, Ingrid Frost.
Charmed.
God, it's so good to see you.
Look-- come in.
Come in.
I mean, you look great.
Ingrid, Tracy's sister
is the one who's up in--
back from my high school days.
God, I mean, what happened
to you guys, Tracy?
Well, I married
a wonderful man.
I have two beautiful children
and a house out in Simi Valley.
How great.
Is that picture of--
Yeah, Marion.
Yeah.
I painted it a year
after you guys moved.
You know, that was--
that was a pretty cold
thing that Marion did,
breaking up with me like that.
You know, maybe it had
something to do with the fact
that she promised to spend
the rest of her life with me.
I don't know.
I just never really
got over her.
But I did put all that
in my past, honey.
So, Tracy.
What I really want to
know, I mean, so that--
so I can really put
the past behind me
for good was if
you could tell me
why Marion dumped me like that.
You mean you don't know
what happened to Marion?
Well, I have a pretty good
idea where she ended up.
Joe didn't tell you?
Well, he said I
should get it from you.
And well, here you are.
Oh, Marion really
cared about you,
but good old daddy didn't think
you had too good of a future.
Back in your starving
artist days, huh?
Yeah.
Well, you know, that's kind
of funny because really it
was her father that sort
of encouraged me to succeed
and, well, so I'd be
good enough for Marion.
So tragic to lose somebody.
Yeah-- lose?
What do you mean, lose?
What, she find a new
boyfriend and just
didn't have the
courage to tell me,
to say goodbye, adios, anything?
Griff, you should
probably brace yourself.
All right.
[SIGHING] You know, it
was really dark outside,
and the roads were icy.
There was lightning everywhere.
I was the only survivor.
And even I was in a
coma for over a year.
Wait, wait, wait.
Coma, what do you mean?
Oh, wait a minute.
Now I understand.
Sure, sure.
Trauma could have
caused someone to be
so twisted around that
they would become obsessed.
Yeah, that's it.
Griff, you're not
listening to me.
No, no, no.
It's perfectly logical--
first, a trauma, then amnesia,
then obsession, and
then even stalking me.
It totally explains what
might have happened to Marion.
I suppose it could,
but it doesn't.
Well, what do you mean?
Griff, Marion
died 10 years ago.
Yeah, right.
I know that it's
hard to believe.
Yeah, extremely hard.
[SIGHING] You know,
after I got out of a coma,
I had to disconnect all ties.
I had to start fresh.
Exactly what Lionel
suggests in his book.
Now we have a dinner engagement.
Yeah, sorry.
Um--
You know, I'm sorry
if any of this hurt you.
Marion, she wouldn't
have wanted it that way.
Yeah.
But the house
looks really great.
[CHUCKLES]
Lot cleaner than I remember.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, well.
It was really nice seeing you.
Yeah.
And you know, I
still think about her.
And I know that she's
up there, just waiting.
Yeah.
You could say that.
Well, great to see you.
Bye.
Bye.
Huh.
Well.
Excuse me one minute.
[OTHERWORLDLY SOUND]
Don't tell me.
You see dead people.
I am dead people.
Look, why are you here?
Griffey, we left
something unfinished,
and I have the chance to fix it.
We need to make love.
Wha-- what?
No, no, no.
I can't.
I won't.
Look at you.
You're some kind of ghost.
Well, got any champagne?
What-- what is with the cham--
OK, look.
I must be nuts.
Fine.
We'll have a few drinks,
talk about old times,
and then you'll go back wherever
it is you're supposed to go.
Great.
I'll go get the champagne.
No, no.
I will bring the champagne up.
You just stay out of
sight or whatever.
Lionel!
Oh, Ingrid.
I'm sorry.
I can't go to dinner with you.
Something's come up.
I-- I got to get out of here.
[SITAR MUSIC, DRUMS PLAYING]
Wow, great place.
Yeah.
I'm into candle magic,
as well as other things.
You know, it's
amazing the deals you
can find at the supermarket.
Good vibes--
Mhm.
--I guess.
I vacuumed.
I wanted tonight and this
place to be absolutely perfect.
When we met, it was just--
In the produce department.
Yeah, near the
squash and the sprouts.
You know, there's a reason
why we were brought together.
There's something--
Sounds kind of cosmic.
I like that.
Yeah, me too.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I think we just
unblocked your qi.
We definitely
unblocked something.
Your qi, it's
your life energy.
And it's important that it flows
to all points of your body.
It definitely flowed.
Yeah.
And that's only the beginning.
I brought my sage, my tarot
cards, and Kama Sutra oil.
Well, that's good because
I brought my toothbrush.
Good.
We have the whole night
to ourselves then.
Cool.
[KNOCKING]
You order pizza?
No.
[KNOCKING]
Come in.
[DOOR OPENING]
Hey.
JOE: Griff, come on in.
What's going on?
Um, I need to talk.
Look, I'm interrupting.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, yeah.
We'll see you later.
I'm Lila.
Have a good--
Hi.
Ooh, heavy vibes.
Your aura is all messed up.
Yeah, I'm not surprised.
Look, I should go.
Yeah.
We'll see you.
Call you tomorrow.
Joe, it's OK.
He just got here.
Well, I don't want
you to have to leave.
It's OK.
You guys have guy talk to do.
I understand.
I can just stay at
my girlfriend's.
She's right next door.
Yeah.
You know, really it's--
I'm OK.
It's OK.
You know what?
I'll see you tomorrow, OK?
[DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING]
She's sweet.
Yeah.
She's sweet.
She's pretty kinky.
She unblocked my cheese
whiz or something.
What's up?
I saw Marion tonight.
You mean you
saw Tracy tonight?
I saw her too,
but I saw Marion.
And she looks exactly the same.
What are you talking about?
Marion, she was
naked in my bed.
And I put her in the
closet because Ingrid came.
And then I went downstairs and
saw her in the refrigerator.
And then--
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
OK.
You're telling me that there
was a dead chick in your bed,
so you took her to the closet.
And then you took Ingrid and
threw her in the refrigerator.
What am I going
to do about Marion?
This isn't about Marion.
This is about Ingrid.
Oh, no, no.
Ingrid I can handle.
She's alive.
Hey.
Do you think this had
something to do with that power
surge we had today?
I mean--
- No.
Come on.
I fixed that.
What if-- what if
something else happened?
What if we brought
something over from beyond?
Got to lay off the coffee.
You're freaking me out, OK?
I know you got your book.
I know you got your marriage.
I know you got your show,
all right, but you got to--
you're totally stressed out.
Look at you.
Yeah, well, maybe.
But that does not
explain Marion.
All right.
Let's talk about that
ice queen, Ingrid.
When's the last time
you slept with her?
We don't exactly
sleep together.
I mean, we don't spend a
lot of time in the bedroom.
OK, right, like the back of
your Chevy, the kitchen floor.
I had this Asian chick
once, and we used
to just do it in the elevator.
Are you saying that you
don't sleep with her?
We respect each other.
Oh, boy.
Look, I have an 18-year-old
spook living in my house,
and I want her out.
All right.
You got to go see a therapist.
I am a therapist.
Act like one.
Right, right.
OK.
So whether she's a real
ghost or a projection,
she's entered my life
at a critical point.
Right, when you're on
your way to the loony bin.
Yes.
Yes.
She's symbolic of
my lost youth--
the freedom, the
passion, the fun.
Yeah, of course.
OK.
So you're all right now?
Yeah.
We're fine?
There's no ghost in your house?
OK, cool.
Can I stay here tonight?
Yeah.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
OK.
Look, I know you're just
a projection of my--
superimposed on my super ego.
And that's it.
And I'm OK with that.
You're just a figment
of my imagination.
[OTHERWORLDLY SOUND]
[GASPS]
If you're going to
talk to me, you better
talk to me while I'm here.
Oh, Jesus, I thought I was.
Great.
Now you've got me
talking to myself.
What is that you've got on?
I found it in your drawer.
Is it yours?
No.
That is for Ingrid
on our wedding night.
Don't they give you people
clothes where you come from?
I cannot have you running
around here naked.
Well, why not?
Well, uh--
You're the only one
here that sees me.
Uh, because, uh,
it distracts me.
Look, I've got to go to work.
Millions of people are expecting
to get advice from me today.
Well, hurry back.
I want to see you too.
I want to hear your voice.
Well, then you can
just listen to my show.
I will.
But this time, be nice.
You're always so rude.
No, I'm not rude.
I'm just-- I'm sensible.
Well, you used
to be so carefree.
You wanted to be an artist.
What happened?
I guess I grew up.
I think you grew up too much.
And we're ready
for our next caller.
Hi, Griff.
It's me again, Laura.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Do you believe that your
dreams can come true?
Hm.
Well, Laura, you know, last
week, I would have told you
not to believe in
anything except what
was right in front of you.
But now I think we have to
be open to a lot of things,
including your dreams.
What kind of dream did you have?
Well, first I dreamed
I met the perfect man.
Then the next day, I did.
Really?
Tell me about it.
He took me on my first picnic.
I never knew sex outdoors
could be so thrilling.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
That's great, Laura.
That just goes to show you
that your dreams can come true.
So folks, the moral here is
never give up on your dreams.
Thanks again for calling, Laura.
We're ready to take
our next caller.
Go ahead.
Hey, doc.
This is Paul in Pennsylvania.
I know you disapprove of
going back to the past,
but I started seeing my
old girlfriend again.
That's great.
How long ago were you apart?
Six months.
I couldn't get her
out of my mind.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
How are you doing now?
Great.
We were both miserable, then we
realized we could work it out.
That's great.
Best of luck to you.
We'll break for a commercial,
and then we'll be right back.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, Griff.
You sure you're
feeling all right?
Never better.
Hiya, Toots.
What's happening?
I'm picking out China
patterns for the wedding.
Stop by Franco's after your
show so you can help me.
Mm, no.
That'd bore the shit out of me.
Why don't you go by yourself?
Lionel, what's come over you?
We have plans this afternoon.
We're on a very tight schedule.
Uh, no.
I promised Marion I would
take her for a walk.
You mean Marion, your
ghostly little friend?
Yeah.
She didn't get out much.
Hello, hello.
You're on the air.
I'm Candy.
You're, like, so laid back.
I don't have a problem.
I just wanted to say
you've got a killer show.
So Candy--
How long has he
been acting so weird?
Since yesterday.
He came to my
chick's house, said
that he needed to sleep
over because there's
a ghost in his house.
Mm, uh huh.
He's been obsessing about
that old girlfriend of his.
Well, that's going to
have to stop and now.
You know, my girl thinks
she can do exorcisms.
Maybe she can.
Hm, really?
I like the dress.
Sheer echoplasm.
I made it myself.
I heard your show.
You're sweet.
Where did you meet that--
Ingrid.
My lawyer, Blake, introduced us.
He thought we'd be compatible.
She's not right
for you, Griffey.
She's not right for
the Griffin you know.
10 years older now and
I'm a different person.
You know that.
You're the same inside, the
same boy I fell in love with.
I can prove it.
Kiss me.
God, I love you.
Marion, I-- I want to
keep you in my life.
I just-- I don't know how.
Did you listen
to his show today?
He's behaving like a
lunatic, a nutcase.
Well, he sounded
harmless enough to me.
Yeah.
You don't have to
sleep with him.
And neither do you.
Hey.
Anyway, this is perfect.
You know, you go
ahead and marry him.
I'll have a friend of mine
who's a psychotherapist
certify him that he's crazy.
And have him locked
up in a loony bin?
Yeah.
What are my friends
going to think?
I'll be the laughingstock
of the neighborhood.
I think I'll indulge
him just for now,
but I've got something in mind.
Stella, go ahead and take off.
I'll lock out.
Thanks, Mr. Peters.
See you tomorrow.
Now, what is this
little plan of yours?
GRIFFIN: Chapter four,
more pictures, maybe trees.
Yeah, trees are nice.
Oh.
Big problems with chapter 10,
Putting Your Past to Sleep--
maybe a rewrite.
Hey.
Hi.
Why don't we go drink
some champagne and dance?
You, stop trying to tempt me.
Uh, no.
Just throw it out,
skip to chapter 11.
Marion.
Look, we can be together,
just not like that.
Can't you understand?
I promised Ingrid
I would marry her.
And you promised me
you'd make love to me.
Oh, please.
Marion.
Ingrid and I are
faithful to each other.
Oh, really?
Are you sure?
Yes, absolutely faithful.
I would stick my life on it.
Yes, woo.
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
[LAUGHING] All gone.
Isn't this stuff great?
Oh, yeah.
I'm going to go get some
more from the kitchen.
Hey, maybe you better
take it easy on this stuff.
Hey, I'll be right back.
[KNOCKING]
[SIGHING]
[DOOR CLOSING]
Hey, guy.
What was with that act
on the radio today?
Got my ass chewed out.
On the show?
That's the new me.
They hired the
old you, you know,
the authority on relationships
guy, not this UFO, spiritual,
conspiracy theory guy.
Yeah, it's just
the new format.
Besides, I didn't say
anything about UFOs.
We'll do that tomorrow.
[CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS]
Is that a champagne cork?
No.
Mice.
Mice?
That drink champagne?
It's a very
exclusive neighborhood.
Joe, relax.
Take life much too seriously.
Me?
They're going to fire you.
I'll get another job.
Hey, maybe I can paint.
[LAUGHING]
Maybe you need
a bachelor party.
All this Marion stuff is
getting way out of control.
Joe, Joe.
Do I look uptight to you?
No, you don't.
And that's what's getting to me.
What is that?
It's just a little
poltergeist activity, nothing
to worry about around here.
What were you saying?
I'm saying, buddy, we've got
to get you a bachelor party.
Going to call your friends.
We're going to get together.
It's going to be a good time.
You are my friends.
All right.
The two of us, we're
going to go downtown.
We're going to drink some
beers, get some girls.
Yeah, now you're talking.
Yeah.
GRIFFIN: Yeah!
We'll be doing
some dancing, getting
some strippers all up on you.
It's going to be good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
All right.
Uh, later.
Oh, yeah.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHING] Whatever he
saw, he won't believe it.
Hey.
Are you still ticklish?
Oh, no.
No, no, you don't.
[LAUGHING]
[SITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
I have Ingrid's
number right here.
So why don't you
give her a call?
OK.
[DIALING]
Yeah, Ingrid?
Hey, it's me.
Uh huh.
Lila's here.
She's ready.
OK.
We'll see you at Griff's.
No, no, no.
I got everything, got
the whole nine yards.
Got the bell, the book, candle.
All right.
OK.
All right.
Going to have a
psychic intervention.
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
[LAUGHING]
So when was the last
time you laughed like that?
Never.
You are a little she-devil.
Griffey.
No.
I meant what I said.
Marion, look.
I told you, we
can stay together.
You just-- we just can't--
Do it?
Yeah, right.
So I'm here because
I'm a good tickler?
I can use a good laugh
every now and then.
So what other parts
of you are ticklish?
No, no.
[LAUGHING]
[OTHERWORLDLY SOUNDS]
[DISTORTED ELECTRONIC MUSIC
PLAYING]
Well, get over it,
pal, and get a life.
Next caller.
WOMAN: Hi.
I've read your books,
and I got a question.
Well, if you'd
really read them,
then you wouldn't have any
questions now, would you?
WOMAN: I was going to
ask about my husband.
He's as big a jerk as you are.
But you answered my question.
I don't have to
put up with this.
Good.
Another satisfied caller.
You're listening to
"Rational Romance."
I'm Dr. Lionel Griffin,
and it's New Year's Eve.
MARION: Griffey, I've
been waiting for you.
Griffey, I didn't go anywhere.
I'm still here.
[CAR BEEPS]
Griffey.
Hey, I know that seance
wasn't your idea.
Griffey, just-- if you ask me
to come back, I can come back.
Just ask.
Course, darling.
Yeah.
Taking it to the
dumpster as we speak.
INGRID (ON PHONE): And
about the New Year's party,
all the best people
will be there,
so we need to make
a good impression.
Pick up your tux at
the dry cleaner's.
We're expected to
be there at 8:00.
[TAPPING]
I can't get in.
INGRID (ON PHONE):
Lionel, did you hear me?
Huh?
Yeah, of course.
I just-- nevermind.
INGRID (ON PHONE): I'll
stop by later with Blake.
We have some papers
for you to sign.
Fine.
I'll see you then.
[TAPPING]
Please, Griffey.
It's cold.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I just can't leave him.
Stupid, not blind.
I could just see it now.
He has too much to drink, slips
and falls on the wet deck,
and I'm rid of him.
Hm.
You bitch.
I wonder if I should push his
body overboard just to be sure.
What, and wait seven years
to have him declared dead?
Nah.
We need a body.
Look.
You bastard.
Have him sign here,
but for God's sake,
don't let him study it.
I put a loophole in here that
makes you sole heir whether he
is married to you or not.
Oh.
All of his assets
would be transferred
to you in his untimely death.
Let's get this over with.
Meet me on the
corner in 20 minutes.
I'll arrange to have us
all meet at your office,
and then we can head
to the party, OK?
[CAR STARTS]
I've got to get
into that house.
See, I don't get it.
And you know what?
I don't like it.
Now he's a complete asshole.
Liked him better
when he was crazy.
Something's
coming through here.
It's not good news.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
A loving woman, the home--
helplessness, restrictions.
This is really heavy.
Failure, death.
Maybe I better
go check on him.
There's an exchange
that's going to take
place between two people.
I don't understand
yet what it is,
but there's an exchange
that's going to take place.
MARION'S VOICE: I can't get
in, but somebody else can.
Lila, pick up a crystal.
[MYSTICAL SOUNDS]
Are you OK?
Well, I could stand
to lose 10 pounds.
And these nails.
[GROANS]
Oh.
I'm glad to see you got in
touch with your feminine side.
Beer?
Champagne is so much better.
That feels much better.
Lila, what the hell?
I got to go.
Griffey needs me.
[DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING]
Baby, I can sign this later.
You know what?
Let's just get it
out of the way.
We don't want to worry about
a thing on our honeymoon.
OK?
Here.
Whatever you say.
And there.
Perfect.
I trust you.
You're going to be my wife.
And we will share everything.
Yes, baby, everything.
You know what?
I think I'll run
this over to Blake's.
Yeah, but--
So don't forget, his
office, 8 o'clock sharp.
[SIGHS]
[KNOCKING]
Are you expecting someone?
No, not that I know of.
Hi, Lila.
What's up?
Where's Joe?
You must invite me in.
You're awfully formal.
Fine.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Hey.
[LAUGHING] Sorry.
I couldn't help myself.
You've always had
such a great vibe.
God, I've missed you so much.
Yeah.
Well, why don't you sit down,
make yourself comfortable.
Would you like a beer?
No.
Beer's icky.
Got any champagne?
I do.
OK.
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
There's nothing on the wall.
Looks kind of empty
without Griffey's painting.
Yes.
Well, as much as I love
discussing art, I have to go.
You don't have a car.
That's right.
I'll walk.
Thank you.
8 o'clock, Mike's office.
Be there.
Honey, kiss.
Oh, thank god.
I thought she would never leave.
Look, I don't have
much time, and I really
got to tell you something.
I love you so much.
That's awfully sudden.
I want you to be my first.
Your first what?
Griffey, I need you
to make love to me.
[LAUGHING] What's
gotten into you, Lila?
She's planning to kill you.
I overheard her.
She is planning an accident on
your honeymoon on the yacht.
Wait a minute.
How did you know about the--
Excuse me.
Wait a minute.
You're drunk.
Lila, go home.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I know things that
you don't know.
Listen to me.
Right.
People all over the
country call me for advice,
and you know more than I do.
That's not what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is you're just--
you're just too sweet
for your own good.
Sorry.
I'm a little-- Griffey,
you can't marry her.
You cannot marry her.
You sound like a
jealous teenager.
Listen to me.
[HICCUPS] [CLEARS THROAT]
Griffey, don't be such
a grown up all the time, OK?
Look, I'm not
listening to you anymore.
Just go.
- No.
It's me.
It's me.
Marion?
Yeah.
How?
The wand, crystals, magic.
Come on.
Let's go out to
the pool and talk.
So where is the lucky man?
Exactly.
Be late for his own funeral.
Well, it's still early.
Idiot, standing me up on
New Year's Eve, doing god
knows what with god knows who.
Well, we'll give
him another half hour.
That gives us just a
little bit more time.
Griffey, what's the one thing
that stands between you and I?
[CORK POPS]
Ingrid.
But look, let's leave
her out of this, OK?
No.
I mean, the one
incompatibility we have.
There's not just one.
There's a hundred.
I mean, I have a
different life now.
I have a life.
That's the difference.
OK.
Well, would it be so
bad if you joined me?
I mean, if you were
where I am and what I am?
You're dead.
I know.
Well, I don't think I
would like that very much.
Well, if it means keeping
you happy, me going--
well, I wouldn't want
you to die just for me.
Wait, what do you mean die?
What are you talking about?
Well, that's the only
way we can be together.
And I don't want
that if you don't.
Well, I don't.
I like breathing,
thank you very much.
But that woman,
she wants you dead.
I heard her and that
lawyer talking about it.
All right.
Stop right there.
OK, I understand
jealousy, but when
you start talking lies about the
woman that I'm going to marry,
it's too much.
Griffey, I told you a long
time ago I'd never lie to you.
I don't want to hear it.
Griffey, why are you
being so hardheaded?
Look, please just
leave me alone.
Wait, Marion.
[GROANS]
Griffey, Griffey?
Griffey?
Hm?
Griffey, are you OK?
Oh.
Yeah.
[GROANS]
I guess my head isn't as
hard as I thought it was.
[HAUNTING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING]
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have done that.
I'm not sorry.
But you have to
want to be with me.
I do, more than anything.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
God.
You're such a flipping wuss.
Couldn't you have
driven any faster?
On New Year's Eve with
all the cops out there?
Yeah.
You're so slow.
And I still can't believe we
didn't make it to the party.
Ingrid, don't you trust him?
Yeah, I trust him, but
there's nothing funny going on.
Where the hell is he?
God, I've always loved you.
I know.
I know now.
Oh, god.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh my god.
We've got to call
the paramedics.
No, no, not so fast.
But-- but--
Blake, don't you see?
This is absolutely perfect.
No, but we got
to do something.
We can't just--
Blake, calm down.
But--
Look, he's already
signed the paperwork.
Now I don't have to marry him.
Let me see.
Griffin, wake up.
No.
I'm so sleepy.
Griffin, wake up.
You have to go back.
No.
I'm going to stay here with you.
That was easier
than I thought.
You mean he's--
Yep, he's dead.
Oh, you're a
very wealthy woman.
[LAUGHING]
[GASPING]
Hey.
You hit me.
I had to.
You have to go back.
It isn't your time yet.
No.
I'm going to stay here with you.
Griffin, I can't
let you die to do it.
You kept a promise.
You said you'd make love to me.
And it was wonderful.
I can leave in peace now.
You have to go back.
No.
No, I'm not leaving you.
Marion, I have found what I've
been looking for all this time.
I found it again.
And I am not going
to lose you now.
But you have things to do.
You can't let those
two get away with it.
No.
Marion, I'm not going to
leave you, unless you tell me
you don't want me.
Then I don't want you.
Go.
Go.
Lionel!
I mean, I thought--
I thought you were dead.
I was so scared, honey.
No, I'm very
much alive, Ingrid.
It's your little
plan that's dead.
The wedding's off, Ingrid.
So get the hell off my property.
This is all your fault,
you and your stupid plan.
Well, you said he was dead.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my head.
Hey, Lila.
Oh.
Lila, Griff.
What's happening?
Hey, Joe.
How did I get here?
Marion had something
to do with that.
Oh.
Hey, it's almost midnight.
Don't you have plans?
Yeah.
Um, what happened to you?
Uh, took a little
dip in the pool.
Well, that's good.
Good to have the old Griff back.
[LAUGHING] Hey, I'm
not getting married, Joe.
That's really good.
You want to come with us?
Come on.
No.
You know what?
Go on.
I'm going to stay here.
All right.
See you next year.
Happy new year.
[DOOR CLOSING]
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, I guess I can go now.
I just stopped by to say
goodbye and thank you.
It's good to see
you one more time.
You know, a long time ago
you promised never to leave me.
And now here I am,
leaving you instead.
You came into my life
at exactly the right time
when I needed you most.
And now you're leaving
me more alone than ever.
It doesn't seem fair, does it?
I'm sorry.
I'm not.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[HAUNTING CHORAL, INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]