Wicked Stepmother (1989) - full transcript

Everything seems to be
locked up tight, Lieutenant.

Have you
tried the back?

Yeah, yeah. No one
seems to be answering,

but two cars are still
in the garage.

This place looks
like hell.

Nobody cut the trees.
Grass growing
all over the place.

MANDY: Right this way,
Lieutenant.

I'm telling you something
happened to them.

It was that
old woman.

Well, I'd take it easy
if I were you.

Look,



why don't you see
if your key

still fits the lock, eh?

MANDY: I was with
the Cliftons for
20 years.

Then she shows up,
worms her way
into the family,

and gets me fired.

Hello. Anybody home?
Police officers here.

I knew it when she first
came into the house.

She wasn't any kind of cook
like she claimed.

There was something
wicked about her.

How old would
you say she is?

Could be 100, always
smiling at you real sly.

Smoking like a fiend.

Take my advice
and check with the
bank, Lieutenant.

I already have.
That's why I'm here.



All the accounts were
cleaned out right after
the first of the month.

Down to the last dollar.

OFFICER: Nothing down there.
No fresh cement.

All right. I'm gonna
get a court order
to dig up the cellar

and all around the
outside of the property.

I knew when they
came in with all
that lottery money

it was bad luck.

I wasn't good
enough help for
them anymore.

Poor Miss Kate.

Hmm, pretty kids.
Cute family.

You've got to stop this
woman, Lieutenant.

Or she'll do the same
thing again to
somebody else.

She probably
already has.

Everything you've
told us about her, Mandy,

matches the M.O.
of a woman that's being
hunted in five states.

From Massachusetts
to Colorado.

And now here in L.A.

She's clever,
she's ruthless,
and she's

very professional.

I think you're lucky
to be alive, Mandy.

Hmm! And don't I know it.

Come on, I'll have
one of the officers
take you home.

I hate to leave.

I keep thinking that
maybe I was wrong.

Hmm.

[MUFFLED VOICE] Hey!What was that?

It sounds far away.[MUFFLED VOICE] Help!

What the hell was that?

Is there a radio
on someplace?[MUFFLED VOICE] Here!

What in the heck
could that be?[MUFFLED VOICE]
You're getting warm.

[MUFFLED VOICE]
We're in here!
Down here!

[MUFFLED VOICE]
Here we are!

[SCREAMING]
Help! Let us out!

Ahh!Let us out!

Don't fall on us!
She's gonna fall on us!

CLIFTON FAMILY:
She missed us!Oh!

CLIFTON FAMILY:
Help! Help!

Mister...Get us out!

She put us in here!

ALL: Do something.
Do something.
Help!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Oh, my God.

It was an old lady.

She put us in here!

Get us out!Just don't stare at us!

What... Shh.
Just, just, just

calm down.
It's all right.

It's gonna be all right.

Well, maybe not.

Okay, let's bring
in the next batch, please.

All right, ladies.
That's right, move along.
Get across there.

That's right.
Get in your positions,
please.

That's fine.

All right, number one,
state your name.

It's for me to know and
you to find out, buster.

Number two.
Face front.

What's the matter,
sweetie? Don't you
like my profile?

Maybe this'll make
me look better.

Okay, Mom,
put them back in.

Well,

do any of these
look like her?

CLIFTON FAMILY:
That's not her.
She was smaller.

CLIFTON FAMILY:
And older. Way older.
And meaner.

Yeah. All right,
get them out of here.

Okay, let's bring these
ladies back to where
they came from.

I've got no place to go.

Don't nobody
want to adopt me?

Get your hands
off of me, flatfoot.

[GRUNTS]

I'm not going anyplace!

OLD LADY 1: We got
no place to sleep.

OLD LADY 2:
Can we eat now?

[GRUNTING]

OLD LADY 3: What do you
have to do to get arrested
in this town?

Tell somebody.

All right, ladies,
come on now,
let's go.

We're in
a hurry here.You can sleep in my doorway.

We got 150 of you babes
we got to see after lunch,

so let's just
move it out, please.

Let's go, let's go.

CLIFTON FAMILY:
Look out. Don't sit on us.

Oh, sorry,
I didn't notice you folks.
Really.

CLIFTON FAMILY:
Why don't you
look where you're going?

Will someone please
bring these folks
their shoebox, please.

Listen, there's a mob
of reporters out there.
What am I gonna say to them?

You don't say anything
to them. I want a lid
put on this case.

Excuse us, eh?CLIFTON FAMILY:
Okay.

I mean, the last
thing we need is for

someone to be screaming
about voodoo and witchcraft.

Yeah, but when we find her,
what do we charge
her with?

Grand theft
and shrinkage?

Gives me the chills
just to think about it.

And she's out there
right now doing it
all over again.

Or maybe even something worse.

[SIGHS]

Thanks.

I got your shoebox.CLIFTON FAMILY:
It's about time.

CLIFTON FAMILY:
Be careful.
Don't squash us.

Hmm.

[CLIFTON FAMILY SCREAMING]

Sorry.

CLIFTON FAMILY:
Hey, watch it, buddy. Jesus,
have a little consideration.

STEVE: We could have taken a
later flight and had the whole
day on the beach.

JENNY: I don't know.
I'm worried about Dad.

It's the first time he's
been left alone
since Mom died.

STEVE: Why can't your father
stay at home and look after
one little dog?

JENNY: I didn't say he
couldn't. I just have
a bad feeling.

I'm just glad we're home.

You go on ahead.
I'll get the luggage.

No, no, Steve,
please, I want you
to come with me.

You're really serious
about this?Of course I am.

Boy, has she got a problem.

Hey,
you stay out of it,
all right?

Oh, my pineapple
just fell. I've lost
my pineapple.

Hey, don't bother to
help carry anything, eh?

Don't drop anything, pal.

[DOG BARKING]That's for you.

Guess this is my tip.

Will you listen to Jerome?
He's going crazy.
Something is wrong.

Come on,
he's just glad to see us.

[DOG BARKING]

Dad?

Dad?

STEVE: He's getting
a little hard of hearing.

Sam, we're home!

Oh.Oh.

Is it two weeks already?

We came home a day early.
We missed you, Dad.

I met a lady.

A lady?

Well, that's nice.I fell in love.

With who?

I got married.
[LAUGHING]

Oh, my God.

Do I smell
something burning?

Well, here's my gal.
Say hello to Miranda.

Call me Mom.
[ECHOING] Mom. Mom.

She's smoking.

In our house.

I can't tell you
how wonderful it is

to be part of a family again.

She's flicking ashes.

Uh, perhaps
Dad didn't mention it,

but we don't smoke
in our house.

Good for you.
It's a nasty habit.

Well... No,
what I mean to say is

you are polluting our air.

Well, I'll try
never to exhale.

Sam, my love,

aren't you going to
introduce me properly

to your two kids?

This is Jenny and Steve.

My wife, Miranda.
Isn't she great?

[LAUGHING]
I guess that just
about covers it.

[SAM LAUGHING]

Sam.

You're missing
your game show.

My God.
That's right. I am.

He never looked
at game shows before.

He wouldn't miss one now.

I don't believe it.
You never used
to look at daytime TV.

Shh.MIRANDA: Sam assured me
I had nothing to worry about.

You were wonderful kids.

If you want to give us a
wedding present,

how about some ashtrays?

[COUGHING]

How could this
have happened?

How could he have gotten
married without even
telling us?

Oh, I begged him to wait.

But you know how
impetuous he is.

He had to have
his own way.

Aren't those my earrings?

Yes, I wore them
on our wedding day.

You remember
that old saying?

"Something old,
something new,
something borrowed,

"something blue."

You went through my things.
She went through my room.

MIRANDA: Well, that makes me
feel so much better.

I didn't know if I was
going to be
accepted or not.

I don't know what to say.

What's this?

My herbs.

I was keeping myself busy

by putting
everything in order.

But I had everything in order.

Well, I think
you'll prefer my system.

I hope you're not angry.

[SCOFFS]Wait till you
taste my dinner tonight.

I am not the kind of woman

that has to be waited on
hand and foot.

JENNY: We never eat meat.

We've been
vegetarians for years.

Maybe they had a sale.

MIRANDA: Jenny,
you two are
such opposites.

I'm amazed you've been
together all
these years.

JENNY: Now what is that
supposed to mean?

We'll talk about this later.

Fine,
I'll get the luggage.

Steve, please don't.

[MEAT SIZZLES]

I so want to put my
best foot forward
with you.

Oh, I bet you do.

I realize how
close you are
with your father

since your mother died.

I assure you,
I will never try
to take her place.

JENNY: Good.

I admit I was
a lonely old woman

looking for companionship.

Your father and I
hit it off

in every sort of way,
if you get my meaning.

You mean sex?

Kids can never imagine
their parents are
having sex at their age.

Well, let me assure you...

Ours is a marriage in every
sense of the word.

Please don't say that.

Jenny, would you
come here, please?

What's the matter?

Just come here a minute.
Please.

Don't rearrange
anything else.

I promise I won't touch
anything again

unless you ask me to.

Good.

MALE CONTESTANT:
A famous detective?

BETTY WHITE:
Uh, the murderer...

MAN ON TV: Things in
a detective novel, things in
a murder mystery?

What happened?She moved all
Mike's stuff out.

The nerve!
Who's in Mike's room?

I don't know.

Who put a lock
on this door?I don't know.

That's a new lock.Well...

Dad!

Dad!

I meant to tell you.

Mike is down in
the storage room
off the kitchen.

That's my wife's room now.

You mean to say
she won't even sleep in
the same room with you?

And after she told me
about the great sex life
you have.

I'm sorry, Dad.That's all right.

It's true, though.
We do have great sex.

That bitch!Now...

Now, your mother was
no picnic, as I recall.

You couldn't get along
with her either.

Are you comparing
that creature to my
mother?

You fought like cats and dogs.

You didn't speak to
each other for a whole year.

I won't listen to this.

Look, I don't think we have
much choice here.

Your father has married this
woman and now we're
stuck with her.

And that's all.But she's walking
all over him.

Well, maybe that's
the kind of woman he likes.

As I remember,
your mother made all
the decisions in the family.

But she smokes and eats meat.

Yes, most people do.
And so did we once. Remember?

Then we saw the light.

Now, maybe in a
couple of years
we'll bring Miranda around.

Years?

You've accepted this?
That Miranda is going
to be around for years?

Well, why don't
we poison her?I already thought of that.

[JENNY SIGHS]

Oh, Mom, if I only knew.

I would have been so much
nicer to you when
you were alive.

You were so good.

HOST: All right.
Where will it stop?

Could you turn the volume
down, Dad? It's awfully loud.

I won't be able
to hear the questions.

HOST: ...and find out
what we have,
thank you very much, Vanilla.

Okay, this is
from fairy tales.

Could we talk?

About the boy's
room again?No.

Look, Dad, I just don't
understand it.

How could you have
brought that woman
into our house?

Don't you like her?Like her?

How did you get mixed up
with her anyway?

I was taking the dog out
for a walk near the shopping
mall and ran into her.

A stranger?

I was married to
your mother for 41 years

and she was still a stranger.

Anyway, we got the license,
waited a week, and went
to City Hall.

I was surprised that
anybody would marry

a bald person like me.

What are you talking about?
Most men your age
have lost their hair.

Why? At age 60,

I still had a full head
of hair

and was confident
I would never be bald.

And then
just two years later,

there was nothing on top.
Really nothing.

But now, look.

I think my hair
is growing back.

Well, you know,
there is some fuzz.

It's starting in.

I actually can feel
my hair growing.

It's a very
enriching experience.

And I attribute it
to Miranda.

What does she have
to do with your hair growing?

She claims she's making
me happy.

Maybe I wasn't
happy before

and that's why
I was getting so damn old.

Look at that reception.

Did we ever have such a
clear picture before?

Miranda moved in
and our picture improved

and so I'm happy.

HOST: Who was he, and what...MIRANDA: Sam?

I guess that means me.

You're not going to really
to eat that, are you?

I don't know what it is about
her cooking,

but I can't wait
for the next meal.

Smells awfully good.

Well, if you want some,
why don't you just
go out there?

No, I don't eat
anything with a face.

Besides, it's probably
full of hormones.

I thought
you always loved
my broccoli souffle.

STEVE: Well, you know how
it is with outdoor cooking.

Everything
always smells great.

You're going to want seconds.

It must be
pretty tasty, huh?

Great.Yeah.

Oh, thank you, Sam darling.
I love compliments.

I just wanted to
say congratulations.

And to you, too, Miranda.

And I apologize for Jenny.

No need.

I realize I am
an acquired taste.

May I have some seconds,
please?

STEVE: Come on, Jerome.

Oh. Let Jerome stay.

For company.

All right.
Stay, Jerome.

[JEROME WHINES]

[JEROME WHIMPERS]

[JEROME GROWLS]

Jerome.

Jerome.

Are you a vegetarian, too?

I think you need
some company yourself.

I have a surprise for you.

[JEROME BARKING]

[CAT MEOWS]

Ah, Pericles,

dear Pericles.

Jerome,
may I introduce my Pericles.

Jenny's allergic to cats.

Well, let's not tell her
about the cat.

What cat?

Good girl, Pericles.

Good girl.

[CAT YOWLS]

Oh, Pericles.

Naughty, naughty,
naughty girl.

MIRANDA: Aren't you
jealous of Steven's lady
associates?

Secretaries?

The women he works with?

You seem to have your work

cut out for you.Oh, Miranda, hi.

I didn't hear you come in.

Well, you obviously
concentrate intensely.Yeah.

It must be a difficult case.

Well...

The government has changed
all the tax codes and

now they're trying to throw
the book at my client,

claiming fraud and
everything else.

It could mean millions
in additional taxes.

I wish you much luck.

Well, I need it.

May I come?

I would love to see you
in action.

Well, there's not much action,
it's mostly just paperwork.

Well, you never can tell.

If you win,

I'd be there to share it
with you.

All right.

Here's the address.

It's the fourth floor
of the Federal courthouse.

Can you get there
on your own?

Of course I can.

When is your son coming home?

Uh, the day after tomorrow.

Oh, I so look
forward to meeting him.

By the way, Miranda...
Miranda?

I didn't hear
you leave either.

Ooh.

It's going badly,
isn't it?

We're going to lose,
aren't we?

I'm going to be made
bankrupt, aren't I?

And I shall probably
be deported, won't I?

Let's hope not.

[GAVEL BANGING]

Just sit down, please.

JUDGE: The adjournment
is over. Let's get back
to business.

Yes, the Internal Revenue
Service has been unfair
to my client.

JUDGE: That will be all.
We've heard enough from
your side. Take your seat.

Your Honor, I believe
the government's case
will speak for itself.

JUDGE: Now is the government's
documentation in order,
Mr. Jessup?

Right here, Your Honor.

There is a mountainous
supply of evidence,

enough to convict this felon

of 327 counts
of federal tax evasion.

All right. I object this is
an unfair characterization.

The government has asked you
to find my client

guilty of fraud because he
made a mistake.

He doesn't allow
the possibility
of an innocent...

[WIND BLOWING]

Order in the court.

I want order in my courtroom.

Here's Page 6,

and here's Page 6.

And here's Page 6.

They're all Page 6.

Shit!

What was that?

Nothing, Your Honor.

Who printed this?

Our computers.

Get back upstairs,
locate the originals.
Hurry up.

If it please the court,

our documents seem to be
somewhat fouled up.

Now, this is just another
feeble excuse
to delay this case.

Mr. Jessup.
The government is not...

If the court will just
bear with us for just a
few moments.

But they're all Page 6.

Our computers went crazy.
Erased our entire case.

It printed 25,000 copies
of Page 6.

You want them?No, I don't want them.

Get out of here!

Our patience is nearly
at an end.

I'd like to call
for a postponement.

Denied.

Case dismissed.

Next case.

Congratulations are in order.

Boy, when you walked
in the door

and Jessup's papers blew
all over the place...

I hope I didn't do anything
to disrupt the proceedings.

Not at all.

No, don't go.

I'd like to get to
know you better.

Oh, to help you
celebrate your victory?

It's always nice
to share it with somebody.

Are you looking for someone?

I, I guess she just
didn't show up.

She probably got lost.

Poor old thing.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I hope you aren't
too disappointed.

Disappointed? Not at all.

You'll do just fine.

I feel as if I know you.
Do I?

Oh, I'm sure you'd
remember me.

Well aren't you gonna tell me
your name?

I have to go away for a while.

Far away. But I'll be back.
In time.

Well, how will I find you?

Well, you will.

Mike.

Aren't you going
to give your new
grandma a kiss?

No way.

Well, I had so hoped we'd
be buddies.

You've got to be kidding.

Hey, what do you think
you're doing?

Is that really her?

Yes, your grandfather
married her.

Do I have to call her Grandma?

No, but you have to be
respectful, all right?

Okay,

I won't call her
any bad names.
But I won't call her Grandma.

We'll see, young man.

Where's Mom?

She's upstairs.
She hasn't been feeling well.

Hi, Mikey.Mom, what happened to you?

It's a head cold
or an allergy again.

You look sort of puffy.

Severe psychological problems.

I am not
imagining things.

I can hardly breathe.

Where's Grandpa?

ALL: Watching television.

He always hated television.
Called it a waste of time.

Our reception got better.

Grandpa? It's me, Grandpa.

Oh, hello, Mikey.
When did you get back?

Just now. Did you get
my skateboard fixed?

I haven't had time.

Did you really
marry that lady?

Why not?Mom hates her.

Be nice.

Grandpa, are you okay?

Never happier.
I'm still on my honeymoon.

[GAME SHOW CONTINUES
ON TV]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[LAUGHING]

Hey, can I get
in the game?

BOY 1: Get lost,
you creep.

BOY 2: Hey, here it comes.

How did you do that?
What are you on?

Get out of here,
you freak.
We don't play with you.

Play ball![GIRL] Let's go

Mikey, come here.

Hey, how did you get
over the net like that?

I don't know,
it just happened.

That was incredible.

BOY 1: Who said you could
talk to her, wimp?

GIRL: Hey, guys, come on,
leave him alone.

BOY 1: How about we stick
his face in the sand?

GIRL: Come on, guys.
Knock it off.

BOY 1: Get out of here, kid.
Creep.

BOY 2: Jerk.

Mikey, don't.

Mikey, Mikey...

[CROWD CHEERING]

Are you okay,
Mikey?

I don't believe
what I just did.

That was very good, Michael.

How come you know my name?

I'm a dear friend
of your daddy's.

I never won a fight before.

Hmm.

Dad did a lot of boxing
in college.

He did.He was a great athlete,
before his back went out.

We'll see what
we can do about
his back.

Who are you?
What's your name,
anyhow?

Ask your daddy.

Oh, and Michael,
one last thing.

Be nice
to your new grandmother.

You know about her?I know all about her.

MIKE: Okay.

I'll be nice
but I won't
call her Grandma.

That's fair enough.

Mikey, who was that?One of my dad's friends.

Boy, your dad sure knows
how to pick them!

[KISSES]Hey...

Come with me, Mikey,
and I'll show
you something.

You should
see a doctor.

I've seen two already.What did they
tell you to do?

Buy sunglasses.

Look, I think if
you have somebody
staying in your house,

you have a right
to know something
about them.

Is it worth $50 a day,
plus expenses?

Then you'll
take the case?

Lady, I have never
turned down a job.

What if a murderer
approached you?

Lady, a murderer
has never approached me.

I get lost dogs
and who's throwing
garbage on somebody's lawn.

Are you any good?

Good enough
to find out
who this woman is.

But I can't promise
it'll be damaging.

Would it break your
heart if it turns out

she spent her whole life
working for the Red Cross?

Don't worry, it won't.You have
a photograph of her?

I didn't think of that.
There aren't any.

I'll have to hide
in the bushes
and take one.

That's $40 extra.

I could loan
you my camera.Mmm-hmm.

Here's our short form contract
and credit application.

Where do I sign?Everywhere.

Uh,

this is an optional
insurance agreement

in the event
there's a lawsuit for
invasion of privacy

by the person
we're investigating,

so that you're covered,
because I'm not covered.

That's $9 a day extra.

This is running
into money.

Excuse me,
but I'd like that
credit card back, please.

Oh! [LAUGHS]

Uh, I may have to show up
in some sort of disguise.

As a salesman
or a plumber.

I may call you sometime
and say, "Clog up a toilet."

It's an excuse for me
to enter your house.

Can you unclog the toilet,
or will I have to call
somebody else in afterwards?

Actually, I used to be
a plumber, so don't worry.
It's included.

I hope you're as good
a detective as you
were a plumber.

Actually,
I got fired
as a plumber.

Madame Curie.

Gilbert and Sullivan.

I got it.

Grandpa, wake up. The Hindenburg.

Who are you
talking to?

Norman Vincent Peale.

No one's here.

The Whiskey Rebellion.
Port Huron.

Come here, you.

Come here, come on.

You're not
mad anymore?

Well... [LAUGHS]

Maybe you could
do something

to get yourself back
into my good graces, huh?

I wonder what?
[SNEEZES]

Take aspirin.

There's a cat in here.

Look under the bed.
You see,
I don't see a cat.

Not in this room.
In this house somewhere.
I know there's a cat.

My upper lip
always starts to itch.

And then I start
to sneeze like mad.
[SNORTS]

Well, I'll call the
exterminator in the morning

and I'll tell him
we have cats.

Are you
getting up?Yes.

Where are you going?I'm gonna find that cat.

Find the cat.

STEVE: Good night.

[CAT MEOWS]

A-ha!

[JENNY STRAINING]

A better look...

Oh!

[GASPS]

[CAT YOWLING]

[SCREAMS]

[SNEEZES]

Gotcha!

Oh, it's you.
Anything broken?

No, now will you
go away? Please!

Things are so bad you
have to jump off the roof,
and you expect me to go away?

I didn't jump off,
I fell off.

Now, shut up!

Do you know she
has a cat up there?

[CHUCKLES]
I could have
told you that.

You didn't hire me
to find out about a cat.

You knew?I'm a detective.

Well, maybe you know
she lights cigarettes
by sheer willpower.

Hit your head, huh?

Help me down.
I'm in agonizing pain.

Ow!

I told you I was
in agonizing pain!

Jeez!

Stop following me.Right.

Oh, God.

Great, now I've locked
myself out of my own house.

Let me pick
the lock for you.

It's the least
I can do.

[GROANS]
Oh, my back!

[WHISTLING]

Hurry up.

Come on!

Voila!

At least you can
do something right.

Thanks.

I saw it with my
very own eyes.
She's got a cat in there.

Okay!

No, no, I'm up. I'm up.

Come on.Miranda?

I'm sorry
to disturb you.
Miranda?

Oh!

Go on, go on in.

Miranda...

May we come in?

I'm terribly sorry
but she's...Oh, don't apologize.

You didn't wake me up.
I was reading a sexy novel.

Okay, Miranda,
don't try any tricks.

You can't hide it now.

Inspection.

I saw it.

JENNY: I saw
it in here.You saw what?

I looked through
the window.
Got you there!

Jenny needs help.

Voyeurism
is a terrible affliction.

There was a cat in here,
I can tell it.
My upper lip is still itching.

[SNORTS]

I know what
you did with it.

You threw it
out the window.

Here, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty!

JENNY: Here, kitty, kitty!

[JENNY MIMICKING MEWING]

I'm going to search
every inch of this room.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who do you suppose that is?

Maybe we woke up
one of the neighbors.

MIRANDA: Priscilla.

STEVE: Priscilla who?My daughter Priscilla.

She has come to visit.

No.

I wrote to her
and asked her to come.

You are going
to love her.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You?

You're Miranda's daughter?

I know this is
an ungodly hour
to show up,

but I just hate
waiting around airports
all night.

No, no.
That's okay.
Come on in.

Thank you.

The airline lost
most of my luggage.Oh, dear. I'll get that.

I can only stay
for a few weeks.

There goes the bedroom.

[JENNY SNEEZES]

Sorry, but I have
this allergy.

Oh, is that
what it is?

Where's Mommy?JENNY: Upstairs.

PRISCILLA: I wonder
how she looks, it's been
such a long time.

PRISCILLA: Please don't
think of me as a guest.

I don't
like being
waited on.

Don't bother with
my luggage this evening.

I'll take them up
in the morning.

Good night.

Oh, Mommy.

Darling, you look wonderful.

Can you believe that?
Isn't that sickening?

No, it just goes to show you
that some mothers
and daughters can get along.

Yeah. They're
a perfectly
matched pair.

You look wonderful.

[WITH MIRANDA'S VOICE]
My dear girl, Priscilla.

[GRUNTS]

Dad, the hot water pipes
are rattling like crazy,
I don't know what it is.

Could you take
a look, please?

Later.
Wheel of Fortune
is coming on.

And then I got my Jeopardy
and then Hollywood Squares.

You used to be
so handy.

Is it better parted
on my left side
or my right?

On this side it looks
too much like Hitler.

Oh, no, not at all.

I don't think you could
ever look like Hitler.

I should know.

Dad, don't worry about
the hot water pipes.

Aren't you missing
your TV game shows?

Oh, yes.
See you later, darling.

Bye, Daddy.
Your father
is so adorable.

This room is off balance
and it cries for wallpaper.

I could help
you select
the proper design.

I'm a decorator,
you see.

[JENNY SNORTS]In fact...

I could fix up this place
by the time Mommy got back.

I wasn't aware
she went anywhere.
I didn't hear her leave.

She didn't want you to make
a fuss about her going.

You know, she doesn't
like anyone to trouble
themselves over her.

Anyhow, it's only
to San Francisco
for a week or so

on some money matters.

Oh, isn't that convenient?

You move in
and she moves out.
Some long reunion.

You know, we should start
by refurnishing
this awful room.

Ouch! Ah!
[NECK CRACKING]

I don't think he's
gonna go for it, Mac.

What? MacIntosh,
get over here.

What is this?
What is this
requisition?

$750 to enroll in a
famous witchcraft school?

Are you crazy?

Now, look, Captain,
you want to catch
this old woman, right?

Well, I'm telling you
we're after a witch,

and you gotta fight fire
with fire.

Look what she did
to that poor family.

All right,
that's it.

MacIntosh, you're
on suspension right now.

Hand in your
gun and badge.

Okay. Okay, maybe I am crazy.

But I'm gonna find
that woman, and I'm gonna
stop her, badge or no badge.

Is that so?
Well, MacIntosh,
you better be careful.

She's got more experience
at being a witch than you.

She might turn
you into a frog.

Or a cockroach.

Hell, I turned you
into a civilian.

Captain,
this isn't fair.

This man has been
working 18 hours
a day on this case.

Flynn, get out of here.

[LAUGHS WICKEDLY]

Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh, ahhh!

No, she doesn't
take showers.

[SIGHS] A witch's work
is never done.

[WHISTLING]

Aw!

Beauty.

Oh, it's been
such a long time.

[MEWING]Uh-uh. [CHUCKLES]

No way.
I'd break my neck.

[DISHES RATTLING]

Can I have
my breakfast now?

Where's Nukomoto?

[IN JAPANESE ACCENT]
Nukomoto on vacation.
I, Yamashiro.

Well, okay, Yamashiro,
you do a good
job now, huh?

Okey-dokey.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

[CHAINSAW WHIRRING]

[SPUTTERS]

Street gangs...
No, Hells Angels.

No, no. Terrorists.

What...

Oh, Steve, I'm sorry.What... What...

I'm sorry, the drains,
they backed up.

And the stove
caught on fire.The stove caught...

And the washing machine
just blew up.

Blew up?Yeah.

I've never seen
a kitchen like this.

You're gonna have to
get new appliances.I've never... [STAMMERS]

Has Jenny seen this?

She thought it was only
fair that I should pitch
in and help, you know?

How could she walk out
and leave you with this mess?

I'm sorry you came home
to this mess, Steve.
I really am sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm just a guest here.
An unwelcome guest.

Now, damn it,
you are not unwelcome.

Come on.

Well, you've become
like a... Like a...

Um, a sister.

I don't want
to be a problem
for my big brother.

No, just stop
the cleaning.
Come on.

I want to leave
everything just
exactly the way it is.

[CRIES] Oh, Steven,
I don't want to have
another fight with Jenny.

You know, she drove
Mommy away and now
I suppose it's my turn.

Is that why Miranda
hasn't come back?

Is that true?
Tell me the truth.

Just exactly what did
Jenny say to Miranda?

[ENGINE REVVING]

Don't defend her.
She's out riding
her bicycle

as if she doesn't have
a care in the world.

I'm gonna find her
and I'm gonna give her hell!

[CAT MEOWS]

Not yet, Miranda.

I am having
too much fun.

[YELLING GIBBERISH]

What?

My bushes!

[DOG BARKING][NUKOMOTO YELLING]

What are you doing?
Who did this?

You ruined my plants.
Get away, Jerome!

What are you doing? Ahh!

You ripped my pants.
My good suit.

You!
What are you doing?
You did it.

You stupid idiot!

[BOTH YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

Who trimmed my bushes?

[CRIES] Why?

Everything's under control.
I'm on the job.

Don't attack my husband!

What did you do
to my bushes?

Nukomoto,
what are you doing?

What have you
done to my house?

Goodness.

What happened
to your trousers?

I hit the gardener.
Then Jerome attacked me.

Look at this! Look at this!
This is a $1,200 suit!

I'll mend it for you.
I do splendid alterations.

Go ahead,
take them off.

They're almost
off already.

My bushes.
Don't you dare hit me.[YELLING]

Jenny, she can't sew
worth a damn.

Much less keep house,
as you can see.

Well, listen. Don't be
too hard on Jenny.

She thinks that she's not
attractive to you anymore.

Well, if only that damn
allergy would go away.

You have very
beautiful legs for a man.

JENNY: Steve?

Steve?

Honey, I hope that
Nukomoto didn't...

Ahh!

Ah!

What's happened
to my kitchen?

What has happened
to my kitchen?

What do you mean,
"What's happened
to your kitchen?"

And where the hell
are your pants?

Don't change the subject.
Let's just concentrate
on this mess.

I've been picking up after
people all my life.

One gets used to it.

One gets used
to being a maid.

A maid?
She hasn't
lifted a finger!

Well, you're a great
one to criticize.

Is this what happens
when I go to work every day?

What are you
talking about?

[JENNY WAILING]

The bedroom looks like
a hurricane hit it!

It's all right.
I'll do everything.

Because I don't want
to be criticized

for the same thing
that drove Mommy away.

You see, now, some
people don't realize
how sensitive you are.

Sensitive?
What's wrong
with you?

Can't you see
this is an act?
She did this.

Are you okay?JENNY: And put
on your pants!

Are you all right?All right.
I'm leaving.

I don't want to be
a burden to anyone.

I promise you, this will
never happen again.

SAM: Is my breakfast ready?

I don't think you'd
find a clean plate
to serve it on.

Oh, Sam, go and watch
your favorite show, darling.

And I'll make you some
brunch in a little while.

Warm up that beef
from last night.

PRISCILLA: It's already
body temperature.

Miranda's favorite.

Mr. Pringle, under
the circumstances I'm going
to have to fire you.

Just send me a bill.

You mean you're still
willing to pay me

after what I did
to your lawn?

Yes. I'm trying
not to get mad
at anybody.

I find when I get mad,
things backfire.

You know, you're the
nicest client I ever had.
So forget the bill.

This one's on the house.

Please, you're fired.

Oh, you can't fire me.
All of a sudden this
is a matter of principle.

Ahh!

Leave me alone.

Hi, could you help me,
I'm a homeless person.

I just spent the night
in that phone booth.

Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you take me home,

give me a
candlelight supper, huh?

I promise I'll sleep
on the couch, right? Right?

Here's a dollar, okay?

Oh, save my life.
You don't care!

Miranda! Miranda?

Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought you
were somebody else.

I guess a lot of people
look like Miranda.

A little bit, a little bit
to the right.

Just a little.
That's it.

Just decorating
for the holidays.

[LAUGHS]

You know all
the answers,
don't you?

Oh, Priscilla, for a minute
I thought it was Miranda.

It is.Hello, Miranda.

Sam, you definitely
should go on television.

Oh, sure.You could
win millions.

So, how do I get on?

I'll go with you
to the studio when they're
selecting the contestants.

But don't say anything
to the family.

It will be our
little surprise.

Before, I never would
have gone on TV.

But now, with all
this great hair...

Oh!

I'm glad I married you.
I got smarter and hairier.

Look at me, Sam.

Look at me closely.

Any question.

Any question at all.

You have the power
to answer any question.

You bet I do.

Speak to me in Italian.I don't know
any Italian.

Now you do.

Miranda!

Mia carissima,
mia bellissima,

piu bella moglie
del mondo. Ooh, amore mio!

Lo ti bacerei,
anche.

Where the heck is he?

Ow!

[PRINGLE LAUGHS]

Sorry I'm late.
I got a jaywalking ticket.

Take care of that,
will you? Expenses.

Where's the picture?

[WHISTLES]

You told me you took
a picture of Priscilla.

In that case, it's not
such a bad picture.

Wait a minute.

You took a picture
of Priscilla and it
comes out like Miranda.

You know, I've never seen
the two of them together.

I made a blow-up.

It's even worse.How could anything be
worse than this?

Don't you know how
to take a picture?

Uh, envelope included.

Thanks.

You're fired again.Fired again?

Gee, I feel like
Billy Martin here.

May I recommend
the Dead Oak Tea...

[COUGHS]...while you're browsing?

Oh, how about some chamomile
or an herbal blend?

Dead Oak is the boiled
remains of the rotted
petrified hangman's tree.

Is there a
demand for that?Certainly.

We have it flown in
from the Scottish moors.

Um...

Could I possibly just
purchase a cup
of hot water?

I usually carry
my own tea bags.

So many people
do nowadays.

Excuse me, but,
where is your section
on witchcraft?

This whole shelf
is subdivided

into witches,
demons
and warlocks.

Oh, no, I'm looking for
your traditional
wicked witch.

Well, then,
they're down there.

You must know
a lot about
those things.

No one knows everything.

Hey!

I think I have a picture
of a real witch.
Do you want to see it?

It was supposed to be
her daughter but it
came out like Miranda.

You don't take
very good pictures.

But I do have something
I'd like to show you.

Can I help you?Of course you can.

This gentleman is going
to be on your show today.

Oh, no, no.
That can't be.

The contestants are
in the studio already.

[PHONE RINGS]Hello, Information.

What office is
Sy Goldberg in?

Room 334.

Take the elevator
to the third floor,

corridor on the right,
fourth door down.

334.
How did you
know that?

I can answer
any question.

That's right.
He can answer
any question.

So you see,
you were wrong.

Yes. I am wrong.

I've never been
so wrong in my life.

Have I?No.

Please, come with me.
I'll take you directly
to the producer.

Thank you.

He should
have my job.

[PHONE RINGS]

IBC.

Cover your tea.

Who's Who
in American Witchcraft.

Huh!

Huh. Never heard
of any of them.

Well, witches don't
achieve much notoriety.

Except when they're
burned at the stake.

And they're
usually innocent.

But the real witches
never get caught.
They live forever.

Oh, please
don't say that.

PRODUCER: Why can't you people
be more on the ball
around here?

I cannot produce a show
under these conditions!

CARPENTER:
Where the hell's my hammer?

You left it
in the grip truck.

What the hell
were the ratings
last night?

You had a 19 share,
dropped to 14 over
the last quarter.

You finished third
in your time slot.

Can't you see
that I... Whoa.

Hello.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

Uh, this is Sam Fisher.
He'll be a contestant
on your program today.

As you can see,
he can answer any question.

Yes.

Dump young Morgenstern
and replace him
with this gentleman.

But sir,
the policy is...

To hell
with the policy,
you idiot! Do it!

I apologize for this
imbecile's behavior.
Of course we'll use Sam.

Ah, thank you.

And I have
a wonderful seat
down front for you

where you'll be
right on camera.

[GASPS] Oh, no,
I wouldn't want
to be on camera.

The hot lights
don't agree with me.
But I'll watch it at home.

Sam, you must stay.

I'll do good.

You'll be wonderful.

You go home
and watch the show
with the children.

Oh, would you see to it
that he's placed in
a limousine after the show?

Anything you want.[CHUCKLES]

Thank you
so much.

Wow, Sam,
who was she?

My wife, Miranda.

Young wife.
You must be
quite a man.

Don't ask me
how old she is.

She'll never
see 80 again.

Remarkably preserved.

We have
great sex.

Where the hell's
the goddamn
make-up man again?

MAN: Where the hell's
the goddamn make-up man?[SIGHS]

He's upstairs screwing
the production assistant.

Let's get this man
in makeup.

And hair.

Yes.

[CHUCKLES]She finds them.

She makes them rich.
And then they die.

What does she
want from us?

Well, legend has it
she went bust

when the silver market
collapsed in 1981 so...

So, somehow she's going
to try to make us rich,
and then...

When she does that,
when you get rich,

would you come back
and maybe buy
something here?

[GASPS] I'm going
to beat her somehow.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Thank you very much.
Hi, everybody.

Welcome
to the show.

You know,
there are winners
and there are losers.

And there are losers
who become winners.

And winners
who become losers.

We are here
to determine
which is which.

And the way we do that
is by spinning
our Wheel of Questions.

And the lady who does that
is the very beautiful Vanilla!

[CROWD CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

All right, Vanilla.
Let's meet our two players,
shall we?

First off, our
returning champion,

Miss Laura Sue
Van Winkle
of Ontario, Canada.

[CROWD CHEERING]Here she is.

Hi, Laura Sue.
And here is your
opponent today.

He is from
Hancock Park,
Los Angeles.

He's a retired
carpenter

and his name
is Sam Fisher.

Come on out,
Sam![CROWD CHEERING]

[TRUMPET BLOWING]Hi, Miranda.

HOST: Let's spin that
Wheel of Questions

to find out what
our first category
will be.

That's a mighty
a good spin, Vanilla.

Mighty fine. And it stops
on Category Number 4!
Okay?

Go back there and find out
what category that means.

Number 4 category is...[DRUM ROLL]

It's the category
of the Arts!

That's our category,
players. And here's
your question.

Keep your hands
out of the money,
please, Vanilla.

[LAUGHS] Thanks
very much.

This loser died
in poverty...

I hate poverty.

...after having sold
only one painting
in his whole life,

while his fellow artist
and roommate died in Tahiti

of an unmentionable
social disease.

HOST: Name both
these losers.

Van Gogh and Gaugin.

Is right! Wow!
How about that?[CROWD CHEERING]

HOST: $25,000!

Give it a good,
healthy spin.

[GRUNTS]

HOST: Whoa!
A full foot spin.

[PEOPLE CHEERING ON TV]

STEVE: All right! Oh![CLAPPING]

HOST: Let's find out
what our next category's
going to be, Vanilla.

How about you spin
the Wheel of Questions
and see what happens.

And it comes up...MIKE: Oh, yes.

Number 21.JENNY: Mikey, why aren't
you at school?

ALL: Shh!JENNY: Where's Dad?

Surprise!

Look at him!

Huh? [CLINKING]

The question is
from the category
of American History.

Keep your hands off
from the money, dear.
Thank you very much.

This winner was
a Civil War captain.

He was later elected to the

United States Congress.How did he get on?

It was
Mommy's idea.

Who was this winner?

Do you know the answer?
I don't want to be a hog.

[CHUCKLES] Sam,
do you know it?

Rutherford B. Hayes.

That's it,
Rutherford B. Hayes![CROWD CHEERING]

Jen, honey,
he's already
won $50,000!

Now we can get
the lawn reseeded.

That's not
what's going to happen.

STEVE: You don't seem
very happy about it.

I'm scared!

Look, if he's on this show
for a few couple
of more weeks,

he can make,
like, a couple
of million dollars.

Three is the category.
Let's find out
what that is.

HOST:
And that category is...

British Royalty.

Yeah, that's right.
How did you...

Okay, well, let's read
the question. Here it is.

This winner
is Queen Elizabeth
of England.

But what is her last name?

Taylor?Not Taylor. Not Taylor.

Of England,
Queen of England.[MOUTHING] Windsor.

I don't know
what it is.[MOUTHING] Windsor.

[WHISPERING]
Windsor.

You haven't won anything.
I'll give you a hint.
Wi... Wi...

Sam, I need
an answer.

HOST: For $150,000,
what is it, Sam?

Windsor.HOST:
Windsor is right!

Whoo!

[CROWD APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]For $150,000!

HOST:
Congratulations to you.
Vanilla, come on.

Sam, you can
come back next time,

face another contestant

and try for a chance
at our $2 million jackpot.

What are you gonna do, Sam?
Are you a winner or a loser?

I'm a winner.
And you bet I'll be back.

And don't give any
of that money away to anybody,
because I want it all.

Wow! He is a winner!
Congratulations, Sam.

We gotta say
so long to you,
Laura Sue.

Thanks for
being here.

We have some
lovely parting gifts
for you backstage.

Thank you, Laura Sue.
Thank you for joining us.

Okay, come on.
Take it easy now.
Take it easy. Come on.

Take it easy.
Just one second. Okay!

We'll go throw a bucket
of cold water on Vanilla.
We'll see you next time.

Come on. Whoa-ho-ho!

Priscilla,
come quick!

Hey!

[SCREAMS]
I'm melting!
I'm melting!

PRISCILLA:
[GROANS] Help me!

It didn't work,
did it, Dorothy?

This is reality,
not MGM.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

[STEVE MURMURS INDISTINCTLY]

I... I wish my wife
wore clothes like that.

There you go again.
Always thinking about Jenny.

You do so much
for your family.

It's time you did
something for yourself.

What do you mean?

What time
does Jenny get back
from her therapy session?

[STUTTERING] Well,
she should be back
anytime now.

[WHISPERS] Ah.Uh, I think that...
That the...

Although she might
get held up.

I mean, not robbed,
but only just, detained...

Not by the police,
I mean just...
[BREATHING FAST]

Unavoidable.[LAUGHS] Yeah.

I think it'll be
two hours at least.

[LAUGHS] At least.

I'm pretty sure,
two hours.

Oh.

[COMPUTER EXPLODING][BOTH LAUGH]

That's my summation
to the jury.
It's being erased.

Really?Yes.

That's a whole
week's work.

But I really
don't care. I really...

I'm glad.

Oh, oh. [MOANS]

[CHANTING]

Keep on murmuring
your personal incantations.

I said "murmur,"
not "mumble."

[SIGHS]Excuse me,
again.

More questions? Oh.

Can't you just
follow the curriculum
and keep murmuring?

But you never answered
my first question.[SIGHS]

Priscilla and this old lady,
Miranda, could be
the same person, right?

Wrong, as usual.

Why am I always wrong?

TEACHER: Not the same person.

They simply share
a metabolic space,[LIQUID BUBBLING]

because one
of them does not
have a body of her own.

Uh, probably burned
at the stake or some
such mishap,

so that they have
to take turns.
Trade off.

Oh, you mean
like timesharing
a condo in Hawaii?

I often thought of
investing in one of
those. Did it work out?

No, the other people always
wanted to be in the condo
the same time as us.

It was
a constant hassle.

Well, imagine
sharing a body then.

So what does Pericles,
the cat, have to do with this?

The cat is a vessel.

Whoever is not using
the human form has to have
someplace to hang out.

Inside a cat?

Miranda is now
inside that cat?

Oh!

Why are you
taking notes?

Why aren't you
mixing your brew?

Why inside
a cat, huh?
Come on, why?

Can you think
of a better place?

I love your skin.

Well, help yourself.
I'm covered with it.

Not for long, you're not.

Don't make marks, please.
Don't make marks. [GASPS]

Correction.
Make marks.

[PRISCILLA YELPS]

[CAT MEOWING]

[PRISCILLA MOANS]

[CAT MEOWING]

[CAT MEOWING]

[CAT SHRIEKS]

[CAT YOWLING]

What's wrong?Um...

Oh, you're not
feeling guilty,
are you?

Yes, yes,
I think that's it.

I... I'm feeling
so guilty that my mind
is playing tricks on me.

Um, uh...

Did you, um...

Was there like a...
[STAMMERING]

Or somebody else
is playing tricks.

[MEOWING]

I got a composite here.
Does that look like her?[LIQUID BUBBLING]

That's Miranda.

Oh, I can't tell you
what a relief it is to know
that I'm not crazy after all!

So that's the reason
you enrolled? [GASPS]

Look. I am Lieutenant
MacIntosh of the LAPD.

Now, I was working on a case
and I got suspended

because my chief
thought I was crazy

when I said
we were dealing
with a witch.

You're nothing
but a cheap spy.

$750 tuition out of
my own pocket
is hardly cheap.

But it's worth every
penny of it if I can nail
this Miranda woman.

Only thing is...
How do I get her
out of this cat?

Oh, I beg your pardon,
but you can't let
Miranda out.

I want them both in!

But there's no room.
Only one person to a cat!
Anybody knows that.

But suppose Miranda
wants out and Priscilla
won't leave her body?

Roommate trouble?

Now you're talking.

Just tell me some spells
I can use against them.

Don't rush things.

This usually takes years.
And plenty of tuition.

We haven't
got years!

Look, my whole family
is at stake here.
I'm gonna lose everything.

You've gotta
teach me some rituals
or incantations.

Sorry.

Listen, sister.

Do you have a license
to run this school?

Okay.

Okay.

But remember,
you're fooling around
with this at your own risk.

[EXHALES]

Listen, I think
this stepmother
of yours

is the same person who's
done away with at least a
half a dozen people.

And shrunk
a few more.

Oh, my God!

Now, you go home and act
as if nothing happened.

Keep cool and prepare.
And when we're ready,
we'll take action together.

Together? Oh, I'm so happy
that I'm not in this
by myself.

Thank you,
Lieutenant.Yeah.

Oh, and one
last thing.

If she tries to put you
in a shoebox, run like hell.

JENNY:
I just wish
my cab would come.

To tell you the truth,
I have always wanted

to get out from
under this family.

I suppose you're
going to hire a lawyer
and sue poor Steve.

I feel sorry
for Steve.

Don't feel sorry for him.
He's going to be
very rich soon.

In fact, he'll have
more than enough to give you
a generous settlement.

So you see,
in the end it will all
work out for the best.

You don't have
to convince me.

I'm not the one
that's jealous anymore.

It's Miranda.

I don't think Miranda
will be coming back.

Miranda,
you are beautiful.

I know.

I'm so glad
I married you.

I'll be
right up, Sam.

He's so cute.

I don't think I'll turn
him into an insect
for at least six months.

[METAL CLANKING]

[JEROME PANTING]

You bit Steve. You bit
the gardener. Why don't
you bite Priscilla?

[PHONE RINGING]

Yes.

This is Dr. Simpson
of the Willow Springs

Veterinary Hospital.

Uh, who did you
say this was?

The vet with a heart.

We were wondering
if it would be
all right for us

to come over
and pick up
your cat now?

My cat?

What do you mean?

Pericles, the old cat
in question, I believe?

Who did you say
made arrangements for this?

PRINGLE: Uh, this
is Mrs. Miranda Pierpoint?

You sure sound good
on the phone
for a woman your age.

And what was it
I wanted done
with Pericles?

Uh, you wanted
to have her...fixed.

Fixed! Me, fixed?
I mean, Pericles fixed?

Okay, I've got the address.
We'll be right over
and pick her up and

don't worry.
We'll be gentle.

Don't you dare
come over here!
I've changed my mind!

Well, I did that right.

So, Miranda,
I let you out
for one evening

and you make
arrangements
to have me fixed?

[SIGHS]

We'll see
who gets "fixed."

[LIQUID BUBBLING]

The old biddy.
[HISSING]
Where are you?

PRISCILLA: Why would Steve
want you when he can have me?[PERICLES MEOWS]

[CEILING COLLAPSING]

[JENNY GASPS]

[WALL CRUMBLING][PERICLES YOWLS]

[WOOD CREAKING]

Hello?

Hello?

Anybody call
for a cab?

[GASPS]

Don't do that.

Oh, I'm glad
you're here, Lieutenant.
I think it's working.

But we're going to need
a plasterer afterwards.

You're also gonna
need a gardener
and a tree surgeon.

Come here.

You got your
cauldron boiling

and all of your incense
and your away powder?

Yeah, I just
hope this spell
is strong enough.

Yeah, well.
I got my partner
to pick up a warrant

for the arrest
of Miranda Pierpoint.

Now all you have to do is
put her where I can
get my hands on her.

I was right.Hmm?

She's in the cat.

I told you,
I can't arrest a cat.

Well, can't you get
a warrant to search
the cat?

You've got to be kidding.
Now come on, get in there
and do your thing, huh?

Oh, I hope I
just remember
what is, uh...

Oh, wait a minute.
Is this it?

[CHANTING]
Spell of spells.You got it.

You got it.
That's it.

Oh. [SIGHS]

[WOOD CREAKING]

[WOOD RUMBLING]

JENNY:
My cab's here.

Goodbye, Priscilla.

I just wanted
to say so long!

Wait.
[SCREAMS]

It's a going away present.

No, I can't breathe!
I can't breathe! [GASPS]

Jenny, you're
no longer allergic.
I have cured you, you see?

Look, touch her,
touch her.[GASPS]

Take Pericles.
Come on, yes.[PERICLES MEOWS]

She's all yours.

Now get her out of here.
Come on. What are you
waiting for?

Come on,
take her
with you.

You mean, she's mine now?
To do with as I like?

All right, Miranda.

I'll deal
with you later.

[PERICLES YOWLS]

Showdown.

[YOWLING]

Shit. This is
a major lawsuit.

What are you
doing here?

Waiting for a lady or two.
Maybe even a cat.
What's it your business?

I live here!

[CHANTING] Away!

Away!

Well, a spell.

Free this house
of evil spirits.

Purify this dwelling.

[PRISCILLA LAUGHING]

JENNY: Can I do that
over again, please?

Oh, no! I want
my piano back.[ELECTRICITY SPARKING]

[JENNY SCREAMING]

JENNY: Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Maybe it was
the wrong tune.

No, you got it right.
You got it right.

You're an amateur![ELECTRICITY SPARKING]

Why do these spells
only work on furniture?

PRISCILLA: You wanted
your piano back? You got it.

I suppose Steve and I are
going to have to rebuild
everything from scratch!

Won't we, darling?

Whoa! What?

Don't worry, I can
handle it! I've got
everything under control.

[SCREAMS][WOOD THUDDING]

This is war!

[CHANTING]

[WITH MIRANDA'S VOICE]
That's right.

Fight me...

[WITH OWN VOICE]
...with everything
you've got!

Stay out of this,
Miranda!

Ahhh!

[WITH MIRANDA'S VOICE]
I love a good scrap.

Especially...

WITH OWN VOICE:
...when it's with somebody
I like, like you.

You don't like her
at all. Shut up!

Ahh! Ahh!

My house!

[JENNY SCREAMS]

JENNY: What's that thing
doing in my house?

Oh![SCREAMS]

If you do that again,
I'll turn you into
a shrimp! [SCREAMS]

Oh!

STEVE: Jenny! [SCREAMS]

STEVE: Jenny,
where are you?JENNY: I'm here!

Pericles, come!

[PERICLES MEOWS]

We have gotta
get out of this house!

Whoa!

Come on.I think that thing
cured my whiplash.

My house!

What's all this
big racket all about?

Did you remember
to take out
earthquake insurance?

Oh, Daddy, Daddy,
I don't know what to do!

I'm a second-rate sorceress!

Well, stop trying!

[PRISCILLA LAUGHING]

JENNY: What do you really do
to defeat a witch?

I can answer that.

No, you can't!

I can answer any question.
Remember, Priscilla?
You fixed it that way.

If you tell her, you won't be
able to win any more
of your TV prize money!

I won enough.
I'm not going back.

And you'll lose
all your hair!

I can afford
a nice toupee but...

[SIZZLING]Ow! Ow!

Miranda, Miranda,
it's all your fault.

Listen to your daddy.

All you have to do
is repeat after me.
It's in Babylonian.

[SAM SPEAKING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

It was your idea
to come here and have them
do all of this.

I wanted to go
to Palm Springs!

[SPEAKING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[JENNY SPEAKING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE][PERICLES YOWLING]

SAM: Good!

Oh, move over, Miranda!
I'm coming in![MEOWING]

What does it mean?

Roughly, sticks and stones
will break my bones.
The rest is dirty.

JENNY: I never talked dirty
in Babylonian before.[YOWLING]

[HISSING]

Stay!

Take them away.
They're all yours.Oh!

Excuse me, ladies.
She's heavy for a cat.[CAT MEOWS]

You're under arrest.
You have the right
to remain silent or...

Oh, the hell
with it. Sue me.

Goodbye, Grandma.[CAT MEOWS]

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

I better find my tool kit
and begin to fix
the place up.

Good thing
I'm handy again.

See, it works.JENNY: Ah!

Oh, Daddy.

JENNY: Bye bye, girls!

[PERICLES YOWLING]

MACINTOSH: Oh, my God,
what's happening?

Oh, oh!

Ladies, this is not gonna
do you any good!

You're resisting arrest.
You know that, don't you?

[VOICE TIMBRE GETTING HIGHER]
I mean, you just don't
go around

shrinking police officers
in this town.

Look. Can't we discuss this?
Can't we plea bargain, huh?[HORNS HONKING]

What's the matter,
you never saw
a compact before?

[MACINTOSH GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]
Uh, miss!

MACINTOSH: Hey, lady!

Oh, this is a dream.
It's gotta be a dream.[HORN HONKING]

[PERICLES MEOWS]

Does this mean
there's gonna be
a sequel?

[GASPS] Oh, my God!
[HONKING]

NARRATOR: May we introduce
our cast of players.

Evelyn Keyes.

Seymour Cassel.

Laurene Landon.

Richard Moll.

Tom Bosley.

Shawn Donahue.

David Rasche.

Lionel Stander.

Colleen Camp.

Barbara Carrera.

Bette Davis.

Call me, "Mom."