Why Me? (1990) - full transcript
A jewel thief, his wacky sidekick, and his girlfriend are chased around Los Angeles by cops, the Cia, terrorists and Turkish government agents after they steal a sacred ruby, the Byzantine Fire.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
[INAUDIBLE]
It is with great pride
and respect,
the United States government
has volunteered to return
the Byzantine Fire,
a legend for over
a thousand years,
to its rightful owner,
the Republic of Turkey.
[APPLAUSE]
In accordance with the wishes
of the Turkish government,
no one has laid eyes
on the ruby
as it seems that the stone
carries a superstition.
Not a superstition! A curse!
A curse of death
to anyone who lays eyes
upon the ring!
[CAMERAS CLICKING]
A curse, then.
No one has set eyes
on the ruby itself,
except for a museum worker.
Now dead!
WOMAN: Yes, now dead,
who originally discovered
the ruby among a collection
willed to the county museum
by an anonymous donor.
And this will mark
a new period of
international cooperation
-for the protection of rare
and valuable... Ah.
-[DOOR OPENS]
[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]
[PEOPLE SHOUTING]
[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]
Long live
the Armenian Liberation Party!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[METAL CLICKING]
GUS: [ON HEADSET]
Bruno, I'm in!
Ah. [STAMMERS]
All here, all here.
Gus, all here!
All clear! All clear!
[CLOCK TICKING]
[WHISPERS] Bruno! Bruno!
It's a Hasslemort!
So that's how
that's pronounced.
Ah!
Everything's looking good.
[INDISTINCT TALKING]
[INDISTINCT]
[DOOR OPENING]
[UNZIPS]
[URINATING]
BRUNO: [ON HEADSET]
Oh, man, that feels good.
-What?
-The stone.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Long live the Armenian
Liberation Party!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Hold it right there!
Goddammit!
Which one of you
foreign clowns is Mansourian?
Gus! Gus!
Gus, someone's here!
You got to get the hell
out of there!
I am Mansourian.
I'm Freedly.
-And I'm Zachary. CIA.
-CIA.
So, tell us about the ruby.
Now, listen here,
we don't know anything
about it.
[LOCK OPENS]
Open the store, Mansourian.
Gus! Get out of there!
We're taking it up the ass!
-How did you know it was me?
-BOTH: We are the CIA.
I've been robbed!
[CAR APPROACHING]
-GUS: Let's go!
-[ENGINE REVS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Whoa!
Bruno! Shh!
I'm not a man who's afraid to
express his emotions!
-We're rich!
-Shh! Bruno!
-Okay. Shh...
-Yes.
You were fantabulous.
A regular Butch and Sundance.
Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Take a look at this.
A bank. A big bank.
Arco Towers in Long Beach.
Piece of cake.
-Huh?
-Not interested.
What do you mean
you're not interested?
This place is talking to us!
"Gus, Bruno, take me!
Squeeze every last drop
out of me!
"Then turn me upside down
and shake me
"'til my last penny
drops out at your feet!"
-[WHISPERS] Bruno!
-What?
-You're going to wake up June!
-Okay, okay, okay.
JUNE: No, he won't.
Holy shit! I was supposed
to be at that job interview
an hour ago.
I'll see you later.
Dad, a job interview
at 2:00 a.m.?
-Ooh, nice!
-GUS: Thanks.
Hmm!
We cracked a Hasslemort 2000
to get it.
Congratulations.
I'm so proud of you.
GUS: Thank you.
Gee, you told me you stopped.
-We did, but...
-We were pressured
into this...
By circumstances.
Overwhelming economic
opportunity versus
the diminished potential
in a depressed job market.
I'm having great difficulty
believing this.
-GUS: Which part?
-Oh, every part.
Could you guys try
honest work more often?
-Once even?
-[SCOFFS]
Well, at my old job
at the zoo,
they used to test food on me
to see if it was safe
for Cocoa the gorilla.
I could put in
a good word for you.
See? Thanks.
I'll think about it.
Well, I'm out of here!
Bye, honey. See you tomorrow
when we fence the stuff.
[DOOR CLOSES]
You're mad at me?
Ah, no, I'm not mad.
I'm disappointed.
Yeah, I am mad.
Fed up.
[GUS COUGHING]
[CONTINUES COUGHING]
I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.
I want to marry you.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
I want to marry you too.
Someday.
When?
When you quit.
You were supposed to be
looking for a real job.
I am looking.
Just haven't found anything.
So you decided to rob
a jewelry store?
Yeah, it was kind of
a nice gesture on my part.
What?
I did it for us!
For us?
Yeah! I wanted to make sure
that we'd be comfortable
from the beginning.
We're comfortable now.
Ugh. What is this?
Costume. Reproduction.
Fake jewel.
[GASPS] You promise that
there won't be any more
nice gestures?
I promise.
And you'll stop listening
to my father?
[SNICKERS]
I will.
When?
Now!
[AUDIENCE CLAMORING]
MAN: Gentlemen, please,
we would like to continue!
If the CIA would cooperate
in stopping vehicles
with diplomatic plates!
The suggestion that diplomats
with the United Nations are
responsible is ridiculous!
What agency was responsible
for the transfer of
the Byzantine Fire?
That's classified information.
[ALL CLAMORING]
Now, we know that because
because the Byzantine Fire
has been missing
for over 200 years,
that there are no photographs
available of it,
but, we have located
a rendering of the gem
in question
in this 18th-century painting.
[ALL EXCLAIM]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTS]
Don't prick me, Leon.
-Ouch! Goddammit!
-[PIN CLATTERS]
But, sir, don't you want
everyone to know you are?
-Still on for lunch, Francis?
-Bet your ass, Ray.
Half the county
already knows, Leon.
Look, this is no ordinary
press conference.
These are diplomats
in there. Okay.
Here's a little speech
I worked up for you.
Shit, Leon!
You're absolutely right, sir.
-MAN 1: Armenian plunderer!
-MAN 2: Turkish murderer!
Gentlemen, please!
-Call up the cops!
-Yeah, you're a thief!
-This meeting is not...
-I don't think we should
rule out the Soviets!
-[CLAMORING]
-[GUNSHOT]
FRANCIS: Quiet, goddammit.
Now, watch your language, sir.
This is going to be in
the 6:00 news!
I don't give a fuck
if they put it on the side
of milk cartons!
My name is Chief Inspector
Francis Mahoney, LAPD,
and this thing
happened on my turf.
Now, you two dickheads
can blame the Ruskies
if you want to.
-And the rest of you...
-[CAMERAS CLICKING]
Aliens,
can blame each other!
But I did not get to be
top cop in this great city
without recognizing a burglary
when I see one.
And this was a burglary.
This was definitely done
by a safe-cracker
and a damned good one,
but you can bet
your sweet sister's ass
I'm gonna find him
if I have to haul in every
goddamned criminal
in this city.
And now,
if you will excuse me,
I have jails to fill.
The jails are full.
Then I will fill the hallways.
-What is your name?
-Sir?
Asshole!
JUNE: Honey, can we take Dad
shopping tonight?
GUS: Whatever you say.
JUNE: We gotta get him
out of all that polyester.
He's a potential fire hazard.
Here, drink up.
I got to go. I'm late.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I'm Gatou Vardebedian
of the new
Armenian Liberation Party
and I want the stone!
What stone?
Don't play dumb with me,
infidel, or you will give me
no choice.
She's very beautiful.
She is my cousin, Erika,
and her blood will be
on your hands.
-What?
-I am holding her hostage
and I will kill her
in one hour
if you do not give me
the stone.
Are you sure you got
this hostage deal straight?
I will kill a member of
my family, every six hours
until you give it to me.
How's that for straight?
I can tell you're a real pro.
Where is it?
Oh... It's in
the glove compartment.
[STARTS ENGINE]
[SCREAMS]
Quitting?
What do you mean, quitting?
What do you think, Bruno?
I am quitting.
[SIREN WAILS]
-Hold it right there!
-All right, hold it, hold it!
[SIGHS] Bruno.
What are you doing?
Come on.
But why? There are vaults
out there just begging
to be cracked,
and you're in your prime
earning years.
Why throw all that away?
I don't want to lose June.
I wanna get married.
I wanna settle down.
I'm quitting!
That's not what you wanna do,
that's what June
wants you to do.
And what about me?
We're a team.
If you quit,
what am I gonna do?
[CHUCKLES] First,
we're going to change
your boots,
then you'll be my best man.
Come on, Bruno, cheer up!
[BUZZING]
-RALPH: What's the password?
-Carlo.
That was last years'.
[SIGHS] Okay, Ralph,
what's the new one?
-Circus.
-God!
Okay. Circus.
[DOOR OPENS]
Next time, I'll pick the lock.
[KNOCKING]
Hey, come on in.
-My maid died, all right?
-She must have died in here.
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
Ready for business?
You know, that's all people
ever say to me.
Do they say to me,
"Hi, Ralph"?
You know,
"How you doing, Ralph"?
Hi, Ralph.
How you doing?
You don't mean it.
You know, I see people
in a bar, I buy them a drink,
I talk about their problems,
I talk about their job,
I even get in,
you know, involved
in their personalities
and next day I see, you know,
they go to a different bar.
The only people, you know...
The reason people come
see me is 'cause
I give top dollar.
Just 'cause they don't want
to sit and talk to me.
You know,
this guy gives lousy dollar,
they go see this guy Stoon!
Let's go to Stoon's!
-Oh, go to Stoon's.
-Bruno. Bruno.
Beautiful! Beautiful!
Wait just a second.
[CHUCKLES] Beautiful!
So?
You boys got a fortune here.
You don't have to take this
to Stoon.
-[BANGING ON DOOR]
-MAN: Open up, Ralph! Police!
[HIGH PITCHED VOICE]
Just a minute, please.
[SNIFFING]
Jesus, Ralph,
somebody die in here?
Oh, I don't think
that's any of your business.
COP 1: Wrong again, Ralph.
See, everything you do
is my business.
RALPH: Oh, I don't think so.
COP 1: Wait a minute!
-What's this?
-RALPH: What's it look like?
You guys happen to have
a search warrant?
You happen to have
any stolen goods?
That's cut glass
costume jewelry,
so forget it.
[CHUCKLES] You know
what I like about you, Ralph?
-What?
-Nothing! Let's go.
Listen, I got to get
my overcoat.
I'll catch a cold in a lockup.
[SCOFFS]
Sorry.
[WHISPERS] I'm sorry.
We just lost half
a million in diamonds!
I can't believe it!
We can always ask the cops
to give it back.
That is the stupidest idea
I've ever heard.
Don't worry,
there's got to be plenty more
where they came from.
Hey, mister,
could you help me?
I need to get home.
-Buzz off!
-What's the problem?
I forgot the combination.
-Don't bother, I've tried.
-Sure.
-Mr. Boy Scout.
-Give me a break, Bruno.
14, 24, 36. Don't forget.
Thanks, mister.
-Sweet kid.
-Yeah, I like little girls.
You know, something big
must be going down.
Hey, where's my bike?
Cops haven't been
in this position since 1969.
Someone took my bike!
Mister...
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
-Come on, guys!
-[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]
Hey, hey!
TINY: So then, I washed off
the ax and I put it back
with the girls...
[MEN LAUGHING]
Hey, well, Gus and Bruno.
I was just telling
the boys here what happened
to Pete Orbin.
Something happened
to Pete Orbin?
Yeah, we had this
little thing.
See, he shortchanged me.
Said he made a mistake.
Said he was counting
on his fingers.
So, what happened?
Well, I cut off some of
them fingers.
He won't count on 'em
no more. [LAUGHS]
Personally, I use
a calculator.
Yeah, I think that's wise.
All right, let's get down
to business.
The cops grabbed me
this morning,
jacked me around
for two hours.
Yeah, they've been leaning
pretty heavy.
The cops are very impolite.
It's because of this ruby.
Nobody can do nothing.
I can't stick my fuckin' head
out of my fuckin' window.
All because the cops
can't find some
shiny rock! Hell!
What rock?
Byzantine Fire.
You think the law would have
found that dammed stone
by now.
Oh, the law!
You wanna count on the law?
That's right. Where are they
when you need 'em?
Yeah, my business
is in the crapper
all 'cause the cops
can't find this ruby.
Yeah, and what did we do?
I don't know what we did,
but we gotta do something.
The cops grabbed our loot.
We ought to do it!
-Do what?
-Find the ruby.
And then what?
Give it to the cops?
-Look. A guy in town
took the stone, right?
-Yeah.
So I know some guys that
you guys know different guys,
and they know guys.
By the time you're done,
everybody knows everybody.
-Who are all these
goddamned guys?
-Us!
-Here, it's coming in
now, boss.
-TINY: There.
WOMAN: [ON TV]
The Byzantine Fire,
missing for centuries,
remains missing.
An intense police crackdown
on known criminal elements
has so far netted nothing.
The stolen Byzantine Fire,
which carries an alleged
ancient curse,
was taken last night
at City Hall.
[GROANING]
Gus, you are a genius, man!
I'm gonna give you
this fucker's head on a plate.
Eat him for lunch.
Hey, I don't think we should,
like, rush into anything.
What? Why the hell not?
I mean, we got the man power,
we got the access,
we got the interest.
Hey, hey, hey, Benjy.
Benjy, Benjy.
Get to the cops.
Bud, you're a stoolie, hey!
Work for us for a change!
[STAMMERS] Come on, Tiny.
Well, pretend
you a stoolie, then.
-Pretend I'm a stoolie?
-Yeah.
I like that.
All right,
everybody out of here.
All of you.
And I want everybody
back here at five...
I've got the stone!
-You've got the stone?
-Yeah.
Gus, this is it!
Come on, Bruno.
Stop harping, okay?
We're in trouble.
Are you kidding?
We're in the black,
10-nothing!
This is it, Gus,
the big cash-in!
I always knew
we had it in us. Oh...
I'm gonna need a couple of
these for these
for my scrapbook.
-Bruno. Bruno!
-What?
What do we do now?
What do we do now?
We proceed directly to "go."
That's what the hell
we do now.
Where the stone?
At the apartment.
-Hey, Bruno!
-What?
Bruno!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Hey, Gus...
The stone!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
June?
I'm sorry, but the computer
was down and, uh...
You're sorry. You know,
I'm sick and tired of
hearing "I'm sorry."
You know, ever since
you people went to
the new computer,
all I ever hear around here
is "I'm sorry."
I'm sorry for this,
excuse me...
Miss...
I'm sorry!
No.
MAN: Thank you for visiting
with us, MonsieurCardinale.
Thank you for inviting me.
I am with
the Turkish delegation
to the United Nations.
My name is
Bakran Osbarez Burjaran.
Nice to meet you, Bob.
I advise you
not to trifle with us,
MonsieurCardinale.
We have placed
listening devices
in the hideaways
of this city's most
nefarious criminals,
including that of
MonsieurTiny.
TINY: [ON TAPE] ...sharp,
and somebody better know
where that stone is!
[STOPS TAPE]
Now, we know that you're after
our Byzantine Fire.
Who do you think has it?
Um, Elvis?
We checked. He has an alibi.
[CHUCKLES] Sorry.
I'll do my best to find it.
800 years ago,
the stone was stolen
from Constantinople!
The guiding spirits of all of
Byzantium disappeared with it
and the empire crumbled
into ash!
To guarantee the rebirth
of the Great Byzantine Empire,
the stone, the ruby,
must be returned!
So your best
will not be enough,
you must do better,
MonsieurCardinale!
So you will find it
and you will give it to me.
Or else...
Better than my best
is no problem.
I warn you. Do not make me do
something that I would not do,
unless someone make me do it
because they didn't do
something someone
told them to do.
Don't worry, Bob. I would
never do something
to make someone do something
to someone
because that someone didn't do
something that someone wanted
them to do.
I'm glad we understand
each other.
Me too.
We will be in touch.
You may go now.
[DOOR OPENS]
[CLATTERING]
-[GASPS]
-Oh, Geez!
What are you doing home
from work?
What did you do
to my living room?
Same thing you did
to your bedroom.
BOTH: Did you find it?
-This what you're looking for?
-Holy moly!
Oh, I guess it's not a cheap
reproduction, huh?
Guess not.
Excuse me.
I wonder what
we're gonna get for it.
Oh, we'll get about 20 years,
killed, hunted down like deer.
Come on!
[BANGING ON DOOR]
MAN: Police! Open up! Police!
-What do we do now?
-COP: I said police!
Hide the ring. Hide it.
Hide the ring!
-Hide the ring!
-I can't!
COP: Want me to break it down?
All right...
-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
-Shh!
COP: Breaking down the door!
What are you doing?
You're pulling my knuckle out!
So what did you do,
weld it on?
-Come on, shit!
-COP: Can you hear me
out here? I said police!
Now, open the door!
-[POUNDING ON DOOR]
-COP: Okay, we're coming in.
-That's not going to work.
-GUS: It'll have to!
-Holy moly!
-COP: two, three, four!
Open the door!
Come on, let's go!
-[PIANO PLAYING]
-[JUNE SCATTING]
-Rene Agustin Cardinale?
-Yeah.
We need you to come
downtown with us.
-May I ask why?
-No. You may not.
Okay.
-Darling?
-Honey?
What about a goodbye kiss?
Puppy. Oh.
Honey.
GUS: Pull on it, pull it.
Pull on it.
-GUS: [GROANS] Wait, wait.
-[JUNE MOANS]
[BOTH MOANING]
[CONTINUES MOANING]
It's all right.
They're engaged.
-Come on, do it. Do it.
-[JUNE MOANS]
GUS: Wait, wait, wait.
-[THUD]
-[BOTH PANTING]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[CONTINUES MOANING]
What, do you want
a cigarette now?
You can pick him up
in a couple of hours.
You can finish up later, okay?
Let's go.
[DOOR CLOSES]
-[CRASHES]
-[CAT MEOWS]
FREEDLY:
Rene Agustin Cardinale?
Rumor has it you're one
of the best safe crackers
in Europe.
I know, I started the rumor.
-Don't get smart with me.
-Let's get stupid.
Rene... Agustin...
Those are girl's names,
aren't they?
Well, not in Switzerland.
What do they call you
in America? Rene?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Gus.
Okay, Gus. You know why
you were brought here?
Because the Byzantine Fire
was stolen.
Oh, really?
You know, huh?
Well, then maybe
you can tell us
why the Turks
want it back, huh?
To guarantee the return of
the Great Byzantine Empire.
He knows.
Well, now, is there anything
you don't know?
Such as, the stone was stolen
by Armenians?
And then, somebody stole it
from them?
And it's your job
to get it back.
I know that.
Print him.
Give me your hand.
No, the other hand.
Left hand. Thumb.
Just relax it. Let me do it.
Whoa! Put that finger away.
When you're in Los Angeles,
the LAPD decides
when to fingerprint.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-What is your name?
-Gus.
-Gus, what?
-Gus Cardinale.
Cardinal, like the blue bird.
Where's that accent from, Gus,
New Jersey?
Yeah. Switzerland.
-You married?
-No.
Then why the ring?
I used to be married.
I stopped.
Don't dick with me, Gus.
Last guy dicked with me
is painting the landscapes
with his teeth.
What color is a ruby, Gus?
-Ruby! What color is it?
-[MOUTHING] Red.
Red.
What does the word
"Hasselmort" mean to you?
-"Hassel..."
-One word. "Hasselmort."
A deli?
A deli.
Safe cracker?
Get out of here, Gus.
Now.
We need you
we'll give you a call.
[SIGHS]
That, gentlemen,
is how you conduct
an interrogation.
What's the matter?
Get you face
caught in a zipper?
What'd he mean by that?
See that van?
Sure.
[EXPLOSION]
That is my brother
and his family.
They thought they were going
to Disneyland.
I hope you're satisfied.
What? You blew up
your bother and his family?
They were honored
to die for the cause.
[CAR HONKS]
My grandmother loved her life.
Give me the stone.
-[CAR HONKS]
-JUNE: Gus.
Who, may I ask was that?
I have a strong feeling
you won't believe me.
Let's go.
-Try me.
-Well, a...
-GUS: A homicidal
Armenian terrorist.
-JUNE: Please.
She knows about the ring.
-You still have it.
-Of course I still have it.
-I can't take it off.
-They didn't...
They didn't see it?
June, they saw it
and they said,
"Please, Mr. Cardinale,
go home." What do you think?
Okay you don't have
to get snappy.
-I'm not snappy.
-What are we gonna do?
Let's go home.
Let's just go home.
-All right.
-Okay?
So...
Benji Klopzik.
Good afternoon,
chief inspector.
Fry in hell, Klopzik.
My pleasure, sir.
So...
All you social misfits,
penny-ante hustlers,
cheap jack four flushers,
misunderstood children of
malnourished mothers,
have decided
to help the LAPD
find the Byzantine Fire.
-Is that it?
-Yes, sir.
All of us misfits
are very excited about it.
Listen to me, haircut.
There is no deal here.
Whatever you and your friends
decide to do
will be done strictly
out of public spiritedness.
-You got that?
-Yes, sir, chief inspector.
Good.
Now get out of here.
Yes, sir, chief inspector.
Now.
-Come on, Benji.
-Put a wire on him.
A wire, sir?
You got a problem with that,
Klopzik?
No, sir. A small wire
will be my pleasure, sir.
Fry in hell, you stoolie scum.
KLOPZIK: My pleasure, sir!
It's good as new.
So what happens now?
-We got to go to Tiny's.
-Tiny's? Now? Why?
-Why?
-Why?
Because I don't wanna have
my legs broken.
-What?
-Legs.
Hey, hey, hey!
You can't keep that
in the house.
-Why not?
-Because it's dangerous.
-Get it out!
-June, June,
it's not dangerous.
-Take it with you.
-I can't.
Why not?
-Because...
-It's dangerous, precisely.
Exactly.
So, be careful.
So my source,
this west side guy,
tells me diplomats
have the ruby
at the Russian embassy.
-[CROWD DISAGREES]
-Oh, bologna!
Sit your fat butt down!
You watch too much TV.
Shut up!
Ah-ha!
Gus and Bruno, just in time.
Well, this is
your bright idea,
to look for the guy
with the ruby.
-Sure.
-I hope you got
some news for us.
-I can trust you guys?
-[CROWD AGREES]
-Like family?
-Yeah!
Like cousins.
Okay.
I can guarantee the...
The ruby ring.
How come you can't say it,
Gus?
I know, I know,
I know that voice.
GUS: Oh, I can say it.
-TINY: Is that so?
-[REPEATING]
I know, I know, I know...
I know that voice.
I know that voice.
Come here.
[YELLS] Come here!
I've known you guys
for a while, right?
-Sure.
-Well, Gus...
[SNIFFS] There is a stink
[SNIFFS AGAIN] coming
from you, like something
I never smelt before.
Oh, that's me.
I just had Thai food.
No, I don't think so!
-I think it's you guys!
-[CROWD AGREES]
[ON WIRE]
Breaker, Breaker Roller Skate,
this is Widow Maker.
Do you copy?
-Breaker Breaker,
Roller Skate...
-Will you shut up?
-A wire?
A wire in my room? Who?
-Shit!
-Who?
-Roller Skate, come in.
Who, who?
Benjy, you're dead!
TINY: Get him!
[MOB YELLING]
-Bruno!
-What?
-Come on, come on!
Come on!
-[HONKING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[GUNFIRE]
[POLICES SIREN WAILS]
GUS: Bruno!
Wait, my friend, wait,
I only want to speak with you!
[EXCLAIMING]
Mr. Officer, hello.
Sorry, bad brakes.
[RECORDING BEING PLAYED]
A wire, a wire in my room?
Who, who?
Benjy, you're dead!
OFFICER: Come on, Benjy.
Come on!
Look, look,
nobody's going to
hurt you in here, all right?
-[RECORDING] Benjy...
-[GASPS]
You're dead!
Come on, Benjy, come on!
Look...
See, there's nobody in here
but the nice chief inspector!
-Chief,
they're going to kill me!
-No, they're not, Benjy!
Chief, I promised him
departmental protection.
-He promised me.
-He did?
Chief, if we don't help him,
every informant in town
is going to know
that we didn't help him
and for the next six months
we won't know jack shit
from a jujube.
And he did get us our man!
-And you owe me.
-I do?
Yeah.
But I don't want
any of those programs,
none of them
witness protection things.
They won't do me no good.
What do you want,
Klopzik?
Sit down, Chief. Sit down.
Well...
Plastic surgery for starters,
and a new name.
A whole new identity.
And a nice apartment.
A nice soft job, decent money,
but not too much work.
And hey,
maybe in the Mayor's office.
Mayor's office?
Yeah. And I don't want to be
a Klopzik no more.
Well, what do you want to be,
Klopzik?
-I want to be a... Smith.
-Benjy Smith.
No! Brenda Smith.
Brenda... Smith.
[SNORTS]
Ho!
Whoa, whoa, I would love
to help you become
Brenda Smith.
I'll take care of it, Chief.
I'll take care of it.
Fucking Brenda Smith!
Brenda fucking Smith!
[SIGHS]
WOMAN 1: All right,
I'll see you next week,
bye, bye.
WOMAN 2: Bye,
take care of yourself.
[COIN CLATTERS]
[PANTING]
[PHONE RINGS]
DISPATCHER: LAPD.
Hello? I want to
speak to Mahoney.
-[DOOR OPENS]
-LEON: Chief!
There's somebody on
the phone, I think you
really ought to talk to.
-Who?
-Guess.
Who?
What color is a ruby?
Hello?
-Mahoney?
-Yes, Cardinale, it is.
-GUS: I'm not Cardinale.
-Oh, really?
I got the ruby,
I want to make a deal.
A deal?
Let me tell you something...
MAHONEY: Not only would I not
disgrace myself doing deals
with the likes of you,
when I get hold of you
I'm going to ram your head
so far up your ass,
you'll be staring
at your buns!
You got that? Hello?
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Hello?
So sorry. Bad brakes.
Call AAA.
Oh, I apologize.
Wait! Wait!
I just want to talk to you!
One minute! One second.
He hung up on me.
Maybe that was
the wrong approach.
Hi!
-How many in your party, sir?
-None!
-Hi, how many people...
-[GROWLS]
[PLATES SHATTERING]
Excuse me.
WAITRESS: Hey!
-[EXCLAIMING]
-[MAN GRUNTING]
Maybe you shouldn't
have yelled at him,
you scared him off.
Who the fuck asked you, Leon?
Yeah, Leon?
And we got to get him! Us!
Not the CIA!
Not those foreign creeps!
I couldn't agree
with you more, sir.
And not the goddamned
criminal element either.
Although you can bet
your granny's knockers
they got the best shot at it.
Absolutely, sir.
I think we lost him.
We can sit here
'til the next administration
and I bet that...
[PHONE RINGING]
TECHNICIAN: That's the line.
Cardinale?
MAHONEY: Cardinale?
[GIGGLING]
I'm not Cardinale.
Yeah. And I'm not
Mahoney either.
-So, talk to me, stranger.
-Listen.
I've got the ruby,
I don't want it, you do.
Let's make a deal.
-The ruby for what?
-A different thief.
-Greater LA.
-Another thief?
TECHNICIAN:
Sherman Oaks, I think.
Yeah, you find a guy,
you announce you got him,
and the ruby ring
and it's over.
He's in Long Beach
or Malibu.
God, would you make up
your goddamn mind!
Some place with sand.
Where is this thief?
I mean if he doesn't exist
I don't have somebody
for the press conference...
...and if he does,
the frame doesn't stick!
Hey, listen, what do I know?
I'm not a cop!
He's in Hollywood!
[CHUCKLES]
-Well, blow me dry!
-What?
Brenda Smith.
Who?
I don't think that's
any of your business.
I've got the perfect guy.
So, what about the ring?
After you make
the announcement.
MAHONEY: What announcement?
On the 11:00 p.m. news,
you just say you've caught
the thief with the ruby ring.
You've got yourself a deal.
All right, I think
he's in Pasadena or...
Ah, forget it!
I don't know
where this guy is!
I want my diamonds back.
-What diamonds?
-The ones your men took from
my fence, Ralph Jackson.
I'll check into it.
Now, how do I get the ring?
GUS: I'll get back
to you later.
First, you make
the announcement.
Thanks a lot. Nice work.
TECHNICIAN: [MOUTHING] What?
Shit!
[GASPS]
Gus, what happened?
The Turks have been here.
Going somewhere?
Yeah, I solved everything.
We're leaving the country.
I made a deal with
the police to trade the ring
for the diamonds.
That'll solve our problems.
Fine, then we're outta here.
The ring is gone.
JUNE: I know, I took it.
Thank God!
See, I told you keeping it
here was dangerous and
if I hadn't moved it
the Turks would have found it.
Now, okay, okay, okay.
Where'd you put it?
In my safety deposit box.
Good thinking.
All we got to do is go
and get it. Let's go!
Hang on, hang on, wait!
The bank is closed.
[SCOFFS] Don't you have keys?
Yeah, well, I mean,
it's a bank.
They don't just give keys
to everybody who works there.
Okay, well, we'll get it
in the morning.
Oh, but tomorrow's Saturday,
the bank is closed.
Banks are open on Saturdays!
Not this one. We will just
have to wait until Monday.
Monday I'll be in jail.
On Monday we'll be in Europe!
Wait a minute.
I've got a better idea.
We're gonna get
the ruby tonight,
give it to the cops
by tomorrow
and be in Europe on Monday.
My bank?
-Yeah.
-Me?
-Yes!
-No!
-Yes!
-No!
[PHONE RINGING]
GUS: Go!
Oh!
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
Shit!
What?
Oh, Dad, sorry.
Now? He wants us
to go downstairs.
Okay. Yeah,
we'll be right down.
[CHUCKLING]
Look! Beauty, huh?
-What a car!
-Want to go for a ride?
-JUNE: No. Who did you
steal this from?
-GUS: Yeah!
I didn't steal it.
The Turks gave it to me.
What do you mean the Turks?
We made a deal.
Want to go for a ride?
No, I don't want to go for
a ride! What kind of deal?
I promised that we get
the ruby to them
by tomorrow at 8:00.
-What?
-Just take it back.
I know what you thinking,
Gus, but you're wrong.
The Ferrari's just a down
payment, a show of good faith.
We're getting two million
dollars in US currency, too.
Just return the car!
I can't.
They threatened us a little.
How little?
They said if we didn't get
the ring to them,
they'd chop our heads off.
[CHUCKLING]
They're gonna chop
our heads off?
It's just a deal point,
part of the negotiations,
something to keep 'em happy.
So my advice is,
give 'em the ring.
My advice, Bruno,
is get out of here now!
What about the Turks?
What about the Turks?
I don't know about the Turks.
I'm going to deal with
the Turks, somehow.
-How?
-How? Without you.
That's how. Now, go!
-Okay, okay Gus, take it easy.
-Oh, take it easy.
Sure! By Monday
we'll be dead. Take it easy.
Okay, well, how are you going
to take care of the Turks?
We gotta rob my bank
and then give the stone
to the police!
-[TIRES SQUEALING]
-A bank job?
Out!
JUNE: I just, I haven't got
a dishonest bone in my body.
-GUS: Bruno, your father?
-JUNE: Of course, he is.
But I don't know anything
about robbing a bank!
Don't worry,
he doesn't either.
Oh, I find that hugely
comforting, thank you.
June, relax.
I just need one assistant.
All you got to do
is follow my instructions.
I can't do it. Forget it.
I haven't got
the stomach for it.
Especially not my bank.
First instruction,
hold this, don't move.
What are you...
-Good evening.
-WOMAN: Good evening.
Have a nice meal.
WOMAN: Thank you.
MAN: Thank you.
Hey! Second instruction,
get in.
[GUS CHUCKLING]
Stolen car,
can't trace the plates.
Oh, I'm going to rob
my bank in a stolen car!
I borrowed it,
we'll give it back in an hour.
GUS: [ON SPEAKER] Hey, June,
if it makes you feel better,
we're going to buy the rest
of the stuff we need. Okay?
-[BIRDS CHIRPING]
-Oh, boy, now you get
to see where I work?
Yes? Where I used to work.
I don't think I'm going
to work there anymore,
you know, but that's okay.
June! June! Release 'em.
-[CHIRPING]
-Okay, they're coming.
Go on, come on, [BLOWS]
Come on, come on,
here they come, Gus.
Go on, go on,
that's it, that's it! [BLOWS]
Flight's in, flight's in, Gus.
[BIRDS TWITTERING]
Okay!
[HEAVY BREATHING ON TV]
[WOMAN SCREAMING IN TV]
[ALARM BLARING]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
-What the hell was that?
-[ALARM CONTINUES]
LA Bank, motion detector!
GUARD 1: I'll call
the bank manager!
It's birds! Do you think
they're armed and dangerous?
[GIGGLES]
We've got to call
the police anyway.
What's their number?
I don't know, nine something.
[ALARM STOPS]
Hey, June!
-Yeah?
-GUS: Having fun?
[BLOWS] You bet!
[POLICE SIRENS BLARING]
Get ready.
Okay, yeah.
Now!
[GAS HISSING]
Gas is flowing.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO]
[HISSING CONTINUES]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Birds?
-[IMITATES GUNSHOT]
-[BIRD SQUEAKS]
All I did was go...
[IMITATES GUNSHOT]
What's wrong with you, guys?
You're fool...
Fooling, fooling around...
You know, those cops are
going to be there for hours.
Do you mind?
This is my favorite part
of the picture!
This is where
she takes the hanger
and sticks it in his eye.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
[HEAVY BREATHING ON TV]
[WOMAN GASPS ON TV]
That's the bank,
just as the party's
far-reaching intelligence
network predicted.
Okay.
Now, you bring me Gus,
and I will get you out
of the country with the ruby.
Deal! Yours!
Long live the glorious
New Armenian Liberation Party!
Yeah, right, long live, right.
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
You take care of
that Armenian weirdo
right after you take
care of Gus' girl
and then you bring Gus
with the ruby to me!
Got it, boss.
Come on, Gus, come on!
Hey! Yo, Gus!
GUS: June, just listen.
-[ALARM BLARING]
-[BOTH SCREAMING]
Gus, what was that?
-GUARD 1: Exploding birds!
-Holy shit!
June! June! I'm in!
[CHUCKLING]
Breaking into the bank, huh?
No!
I thought this...
Actually would be
a kind of an opportune
spot maybe to meet
some new folks.
[HISSING]
Damn! Why is it
taking him so long?
[ENGINE STALLING]
[SIGHS]
Ah, good man! Ah!
Come on, let's go!
-It's dead.
-What's dead?
The car, it just doesn't work.
The key.
GUS: Shit!
JUNE: Gus! Gus!
Give it to me, or another
life is on your hands.
Another?
[POLICE SIRENS
BLARING DISTANTLY]
My grandmother.
You killed your grandmother?
She was honored
to die for the cause.
Now, give me the ring, or
I blow my father's brains out.
GUS: Shit!
-Dad!
-GUS: Bruno!
How about a ride now?
[POLICE SIRENS BLARING]
What the hell
is going on here?
-Bruno? I...
-Yeah?
I'm sorry for everything
my kind has ever done to you.
That's okay.
I'm sure they didn't mean it.
Boy, I hope he's thinking
of something.
I hope so too, no one
should look that serious
unless they're thinking
of something.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Look, look, look, it's on!
-Hey, Gus!
-JUNE: Gus!
[BRUNO WHISTLES]
ANCHOR: The thief was
apprehended by police chief
Francis Mahoney
late this evening.
He is identified as
Benjamin Arthur Klopzik.
Mahoney said his arrest
was the result of the work
of a team of police detectives
working around the clock.
MAHONEY: [ON TV] Yes.
We did pick up
the no good[BEEPS]
piece of[BEEP]
jaboni tonight.
We got his[BEEP]
mother too.
It just goes to prove
what good can happen
when the[BEEP] public
cooperates with the police.
And that bad things can happen
when no talent[BEEPS]
jabonis don't.
Thank you.
Okay. We got to get the ruby
to Mahoney and the Turks.
That's impossible!
-No, it's not.
-Yes, it is.
-No, it's not.
-Gus, it's impossible!
-No, it's not.
-You have a plan?
-I do.
-Oh, that's different then.
We got to be at Arco Towers
in Long Beach by dawn.
GUS: Let's go!
[ENGINE REVVING OVER SPEAKER]
-GUS: Every thing's set?
-JUNE: Yeah.
-GUS: You know
what you have to do?
-JUNE: Yeah.
Pst! Pst!
Hey! Pst! Pst!
[THUD]
Providence, boys,
just pulled in.
Oh, Dad?
Good luck.
Go on.
They're coming up.
I'm ready for 'em.
That's everyone.
Oh, yeah? Well, then,
who was that?
CIA dogs! Let's go!
CIA? Look, you go and...
I'll stay here and keep watch.
Okay?
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
The south elevator locked.
Gus, all yours.
[CHUCKLES]
LEON: Tenth floor,
north tower.
-Better not be dicking
with me, Leon.
-Oh, stop it.
He's coming up.
Tenth floor, huh?
Let's surprise them.
Take the stairs.
[CHUCKLES] Very clever.
MAHONEY: Did you give him
permission to call me that?
I told him to call you Frank.
Two minutes, two minutes
from when?
Two minutes from
two minutes ago.
Gus, I've got the diamonds.
[GRUNTING]
GUS: Morning, guys.
Do you have the Fire?
Of course!
Do you have the money?
Of course!
Your partner specified
small unmarked currency.
There is two million
one dollar bills in this bag.
Bruno!
-GUS: Bruno!
-Yeah?
You're an idiot!
Oh, Gus, I'm getting a little
static on the headset.
Okay.
How do I know that
the ruby is in there?
Have a look!
All right, all right, close
the box! Close the box!
-Is it closed?
-Yeah!
Okay. How do we
make the exchange?
-See the rope?
-Yes.
-Move over.
-Okay.
You go and cut him off!
When I get the ruby,
you bring back the money.
Okay?
Okay! [CHUCKLES]
Bruno! Bruno, get ready.
Don't worry. I've got
everything under control!
BRUNO: Oh, shit!
[GROANS]
Watch your step, Abdul!
You want fire? I'll show you
fire! I'll show you fire!
I'll show you fire!
No doubt about it, we are
being dicked, dicked, dicked!
Just keep moving.
Clever. Very, very clever.
Wait! Wait!
You call that a deal?
Bruno, I'm dropping the money.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
-BRUNO: That isn't part
of the plan, is it?
-It is now.
[SCREAMS]
Oh!
Give it to me, or I will make
myself an orphan.
What?
Nice! Geez!
Dicked! Dicked! Dicked!
That's what he's done to us!
All right. Cardinale!
Where's the ruby?
I'll get it for you.
Oh, my God!
Whoa!
Him! That's the one
who dicked us!
Gus! What are you doing?
I was just asking myself
the same question.
Cardinale!
Look at me, Cardinale!
[GRUNTING]
Come back here, you,
lying sack of shit!
Listen! Listen to me!
[GUNS COCKING]
Hey, don't try
anything stupid, pal!
What could be fucking
stupider than this?
-LEON: Chief!
-Come...
Come back here!
Chief, here's a way out!
Shoot it, Leon.
I'll take care of it.
After you, Leon.
[GRUNTING]
[YELLING]
[BOTH EXCLAIMING]
Man! Now, our guns
are down there!
Get the ruby to Mahoney.
I'll do it! I'll do it!
[PANTING]
Oh, okay, we'll go this way.
This way is fine with me.
Oh, Dad.
Give me the ring.
-No problem.
-[BOTH GASP]
Watch it!
Let's get out of here.
[BOTH YELLING]
First, we'll finish the deal.
You get the ruby to Mahoney,
you get the...
I'll take that,
thank you very much.
[YELLING]
And thank you...
Liberation!
New plan! You get the car,
you get the money and
I'll get the stone to Mahoney!
Wait! I get the what?
The car!
Oh!
Should I rip out your teeth
before or after you
give me that ruby?
After.
[ENGINE REVVING]
[SIGHS]
Do it to it, Leon.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[LAUGHING]
Hold it right there!
You're under arrest!
Hold it!
[BOTH YELLING]
You have the right
to remain silent!
[CAR HORN HONKING]
I said stop! Stop!
We're the CIA!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Clever! Very clever!
[YELLING IN PAIN]
MAHONEY: Leon, give
me the ring.
Leon!
I would like to thank
Chief Mahoney and his men
for apprehending
the guilty party
and returning the Byzantine
Fire to its rightful owners.
Thank you very much.
The Fire will be returned
to its native land.
Where it will be enshrined
in the sacred temple of the
people of Turkish descent.
That one is $50,000.
Oh, boy.
-So?
-Hmmn!
-We'll think about it.
-Yeah.
-Thanks for all your help.
-Thank you.
What do you think, huh?
Oh, pretty!
-Bruno, it's you.
-Yeah.
Let's go.
Damn!
Thanks so much.
Thank you.
Oh, we'll be back!
[INAUDIBLE]
It is with great pride
and respect,
the United States government
has volunteered to return
the Byzantine Fire,
a legend for over
a thousand years,
to its rightful owner,
the Republic of Turkey.
[APPLAUSE]
In accordance with the wishes
of the Turkish government,
no one has laid eyes
on the ruby
as it seems that the stone
carries a superstition.
Not a superstition! A curse!
A curse of death
to anyone who lays eyes
upon the ring!
[CAMERAS CLICKING]
A curse, then.
No one has set eyes
on the ruby itself,
except for a museum worker.
Now dead!
WOMAN: Yes, now dead,
who originally discovered
the ruby among a collection
willed to the county museum
by an anonymous donor.
And this will mark
a new period of
international cooperation
-for the protection of rare
and valuable... Ah.
-[DOOR OPENS]
[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]
[PEOPLE SHOUTING]
[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]
Long live
the Armenian Liberation Party!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[METAL CLICKING]
GUS: [ON HEADSET]
Bruno, I'm in!
Ah. [STAMMERS]
All here, all here.
Gus, all here!
All clear! All clear!
[CLOCK TICKING]
[WHISPERS] Bruno! Bruno!
It's a Hasslemort!
So that's how
that's pronounced.
Ah!
Everything's looking good.
[INDISTINCT TALKING]
[INDISTINCT]
[DOOR OPENING]
[UNZIPS]
[URINATING]
BRUNO: [ON HEADSET]
Oh, man, that feels good.
-What?
-The stone.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Long live the Armenian
Liberation Party!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Hold it right there!
Goddammit!
Which one of you
foreign clowns is Mansourian?
Gus! Gus!
Gus, someone's here!
You got to get the hell
out of there!
I am Mansourian.
I'm Freedly.
-And I'm Zachary. CIA.
-CIA.
So, tell us about the ruby.
Now, listen here,
we don't know anything
about it.
[LOCK OPENS]
Open the store, Mansourian.
Gus! Get out of there!
We're taking it up the ass!
-How did you know it was me?
-BOTH: We are the CIA.
I've been robbed!
[CAR APPROACHING]
-GUS: Let's go!
-[ENGINE REVS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Whoa!
Bruno! Shh!
I'm not a man who's afraid to
express his emotions!
-We're rich!
-Shh! Bruno!
-Okay. Shh...
-Yes.
You were fantabulous.
A regular Butch and Sundance.
Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Take a look at this.
A bank. A big bank.
Arco Towers in Long Beach.
Piece of cake.
-Huh?
-Not interested.
What do you mean
you're not interested?
This place is talking to us!
"Gus, Bruno, take me!
Squeeze every last drop
out of me!
"Then turn me upside down
and shake me
"'til my last penny
drops out at your feet!"
-[WHISPERS] Bruno!
-What?
-You're going to wake up June!
-Okay, okay, okay.
JUNE: No, he won't.
Holy shit! I was supposed
to be at that job interview
an hour ago.
I'll see you later.
Dad, a job interview
at 2:00 a.m.?
-Ooh, nice!
-GUS: Thanks.
Hmm!
We cracked a Hasslemort 2000
to get it.
Congratulations.
I'm so proud of you.
GUS: Thank you.
Gee, you told me you stopped.
-We did, but...
-We were pressured
into this...
By circumstances.
Overwhelming economic
opportunity versus
the diminished potential
in a depressed job market.
I'm having great difficulty
believing this.
-GUS: Which part?
-Oh, every part.
Could you guys try
honest work more often?
-Once even?
-[SCOFFS]
Well, at my old job
at the zoo,
they used to test food on me
to see if it was safe
for Cocoa the gorilla.
I could put in
a good word for you.
See? Thanks.
I'll think about it.
Well, I'm out of here!
Bye, honey. See you tomorrow
when we fence the stuff.
[DOOR CLOSES]
You're mad at me?
Ah, no, I'm not mad.
I'm disappointed.
Yeah, I am mad.
Fed up.
[GUS COUGHING]
[CONTINUES COUGHING]
I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.
I want to marry you.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
I want to marry you too.
Someday.
When?
When you quit.
You were supposed to be
looking for a real job.
I am looking.
Just haven't found anything.
So you decided to rob
a jewelry store?
Yeah, it was kind of
a nice gesture on my part.
What?
I did it for us!
For us?
Yeah! I wanted to make sure
that we'd be comfortable
from the beginning.
We're comfortable now.
Ugh. What is this?
Costume. Reproduction.
Fake jewel.
[GASPS] You promise that
there won't be any more
nice gestures?
I promise.
And you'll stop listening
to my father?
[SNICKERS]
I will.
When?
Now!
[AUDIENCE CLAMORING]
MAN: Gentlemen, please,
we would like to continue!
If the CIA would cooperate
in stopping vehicles
with diplomatic plates!
The suggestion that diplomats
with the United Nations are
responsible is ridiculous!
What agency was responsible
for the transfer of
the Byzantine Fire?
That's classified information.
[ALL CLAMORING]
Now, we know that because
because the Byzantine Fire
has been missing
for over 200 years,
that there are no photographs
available of it,
but, we have located
a rendering of the gem
in question
in this 18th-century painting.
[ALL EXCLAIM]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTS]
Don't prick me, Leon.
-Ouch! Goddammit!
-[PIN CLATTERS]
But, sir, don't you want
everyone to know you are?
-Still on for lunch, Francis?
-Bet your ass, Ray.
Half the county
already knows, Leon.
Look, this is no ordinary
press conference.
These are diplomats
in there. Okay.
Here's a little speech
I worked up for you.
Shit, Leon!
You're absolutely right, sir.
-MAN 1: Armenian plunderer!
-MAN 2: Turkish murderer!
Gentlemen, please!
-Call up the cops!
-Yeah, you're a thief!
-This meeting is not...
-I don't think we should
rule out the Soviets!
-[CLAMORING]
-[GUNSHOT]
FRANCIS: Quiet, goddammit.
Now, watch your language, sir.
This is going to be in
the 6:00 news!
I don't give a fuck
if they put it on the side
of milk cartons!
My name is Chief Inspector
Francis Mahoney, LAPD,
and this thing
happened on my turf.
Now, you two dickheads
can blame the Ruskies
if you want to.
-And the rest of you...
-[CAMERAS CLICKING]
Aliens,
can blame each other!
But I did not get to be
top cop in this great city
without recognizing a burglary
when I see one.
And this was a burglary.
This was definitely done
by a safe-cracker
and a damned good one,
but you can bet
your sweet sister's ass
I'm gonna find him
if I have to haul in every
goddamned criminal
in this city.
And now,
if you will excuse me,
I have jails to fill.
The jails are full.
Then I will fill the hallways.
-What is your name?
-Sir?
Asshole!
JUNE: Honey, can we take Dad
shopping tonight?
GUS: Whatever you say.
JUNE: We gotta get him
out of all that polyester.
He's a potential fire hazard.
Here, drink up.
I got to go. I'm late.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I'm Gatou Vardebedian
of the new
Armenian Liberation Party
and I want the stone!
What stone?
Don't play dumb with me,
infidel, or you will give me
no choice.
She's very beautiful.
She is my cousin, Erika,
and her blood will be
on your hands.
-What?
-I am holding her hostage
and I will kill her
in one hour
if you do not give me
the stone.
Are you sure you got
this hostage deal straight?
I will kill a member of
my family, every six hours
until you give it to me.
How's that for straight?
I can tell you're a real pro.
Where is it?
Oh... It's in
the glove compartment.
[STARTS ENGINE]
[SCREAMS]
Quitting?
What do you mean, quitting?
What do you think, Bruno?
I am quitting.
[SIREN WAILS]
-Hold it right there!
-All right, hold it, hold it!
[SIGHS] Bruno.
What are you doing?
Come on.
But why? There are vaults
out there just begging
to be cracked,
and you're in your prime
earning years.
Why throw all that away?
I don't want to lose June.
I wanna get married.
I wanna settle down.
I'm quitting!
That's not what you wanna do,
that's what June
wants you to do.
And what about me?
We're a team.
If you quit,
what am I gonna do?
[CHUCKLES] First,
we're going to change
your boots,
then you'll be my best man.
Come on, Bruno, cheer up!
[BUZZING]
-RALPH: What's the password?
-Carlo.
That was last years'.
[SIGHS] Okay, Ralph,
what's the new one?
-Circus.
-God!
Okay. Circus.
[DOOR OPENS]
Next time, I'll pick the lock.
[KNOCKING]
Hey, come on in.
-My maid died, all right?
-She must have died in here.
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
Ready for business?
You know, that's all people
ever say to me.
Do they say to me,
"Hi, Ralph"?
You know,
"How you doing, Ralph"?
Hi, Ralph.
How you doing?
You don't mean it.
You know, I see people
in a bar, I buy them a drink,
I talk about their problems,
I talk about their job,
I even get in,
you know, involved
in their personalities
and next day I see, you know,
they go to a different bar.
The only people, you know...
The reason people come
see me is 'cause
I give top dollar.
Just 'cause they don't want
to sit and talk to me.
You know,
this guy gives lousy dollar,
they go see this guy Stoon!
Let's go to Stoon's!
-Oh, go to Stoon's.
-Bruno. Bruno.
Beautiful! Beautiful!
Wait just a second.
[CHUCKLES] Beautiful!
So?
You boys got a fortune here.
You don't have to take this
to Stoon.
-[BANGING ON DOOR]
-MAN: Open up, Ralph! Police!
[HIGH PITCHED VOICE]
Just a minute, please.
[SNIFFING]
Jesus, Ralph,
somebody die in here?
Oh, I don't think
that's any of your business.
COP 1: Wrong again, Ralph.
See, everything you do
is my business.
RALPH: Oh, I don't think so.
COP 1: Wait a minute!
-What's this?
-RALPH: What's it look like?
You guys happen to have
a search warrant?
You happen to have
any stolen goods?
That's cut glass
costume jewelry,
so forget it.
[CHUCKLES] You know
what I like about you, Ralph?
-What?
-Nothing! Let's go.
Listen, I got to get
my overcoat.
I'll catch a cold in a lockup.
[SCOFFS]
Sorry.
[WHISPERS] I'm sorry.
We just lost half
a million in diamonds!
I can't believe it!
We can always ask the cops
to give it back.
That is the stupidest idea
I've ever heard.
Don't worry,
there's got to be plenty more
where they came from.
Hey, mister,
could you help me?
I need to get home.
-Buzz off!
-What's the problem?
I forgot the combination.
-Don't bother, I've tried.
-Sure.
-Mr. Boy Scout.
-Give me a break, Bruno.
14, 24, 36. Don't forget.
Thanks, mister.
-Sweet kid.
-Yeah, I like little girls.
You know, something big
must be going down.
Hey, where's my bike?
Cops haven't been
in this position since 1969.
Someone took my bike!
Mister...
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
-Come on, guys!
-[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]
Hey, hey!
TINY: So then, I washed off
the ax and I put it back
with the girls...
[MEN LAUGHING]
Hey, well, Gus and Bruno.
I was just telling
the boys here what happened
to Pete Orbin.
Something happened
to Pete Orbin?
Yeah, we had this
little thing.
See, he shortchanged me.
Said he made a mistake.
Said he was counting
on his fingers.
So, what happened?
Well, I cut off some of
them fingers.
He won't count on 'em
no more. [LAUGHS]
Personally, I use
a calculator.
Yeah, I think that's wise.
All right, let's get down
to business.
The cops grabbed me
this morning,
jacked me around
for two hours.
Yeah, they've been leaning
pretty heavy.
The cops are very impolite.
It's because of this ruby.
Nobody can do nothing.
I can't stick my fuckin' head
out of my fuckin' window.
All because the cops
can't find some
shiny rock! Hell!
What rock?
Byzantine Fire.
You think the law would have
found that dammed stone
by now.
Oh, the law!
You wanna count on the law?
That's right. Where are they
when you need 'em?
Yeah, my business
is in the crapper
all 'cause the cops
can't find this ruby.
Yeah, and what did we do?
I don't know what we did,
but we gotta do something.
The cops grabbed our loot.
We ought to do it!
-Do what?
-Find the ruby.
And then what?
Give it to the cops?
-Look. A guy in town
took the stone, right?
-Yeah.
So I know some guys that
you guys know different guys,
and they know guys.
By the time you're done,
everybody knows everybody.
-Who are all these
goddamned guys?
-Us!
-Here, it's coming in
now, boss.
-TINY: There.
WOMAN: [ON TV]
The Byzantine Fire,
missing for centuries,
remains missing.
An intense police crackdown
on known criminal elements
has so far netted nothing.
The stolen Byzantine Fire,
which carries an alleged
ancient curse,
was taken last night
at City Hall.
[GROANING]
Gus, you are a genius, man!
I'm gonna give you
this fucker's head on a plate.
Eat him for lunch.
Hey, I don't think we should,
like, rush into anything.
What? Why the hell not?
I mean, we got the man power,
we got the access,
we got the interest.
Hey, hey, hey, Benjy.
Benjy, Benjy.
Get to the cops.
Bud, you're a stoolie, hey!
Work for us for a change!
[STAMMERS] Come on, Tiny.
Well, pretend
you a stoolie, then.
-Pretend I'm a stoolie?
-Yeah.
I like that.
All right,
everybody out of here.
All of you.
And I want everybody
back here at five...
I've got the stone!
-You've got the stone?
-Yeah.
Gus, this is it!
Come on, Bruno.
Stop harping, okay?
We're in trouble.
Are you kidding?
We're in the black,
10-nothing!
This is it, Gus,
the big cash-in!
I always knew
we had it in us. Oh...
I'm gonna need a couple of
these for these
for my scrapbook.
-Bruno. Bruno!
-What?
What do we do now?
What do we do now?
We proceed directly to "go."
That's what the hell
we do now.
Where the stone?
At the apartment.
-Hey, Bruno!
-What?
Bruno!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Hey, Gus...
The stone!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
June?
I'm sorry, but the computer
was down and, uh...
You're sorry. You know,
I'm sick and tired of
hearing "I'm sorry."
You know, ever since
you people went to
the new computer,
all I ever hear around here
is "I'm sorry."
I'm sorry for this,
excuse me...
Miss...
I'm sorry!
No.
MAN: Thank you for visiting
with us, MonsieurCardinale.
Thank you for inviting me.
I am with
the Turkish delegation
to the United Nations.
My name is
Bakran Osbarez Burjaran.
Nice to meet you, Bob.
I advise you
not to trifle with us,
MonsieurCardinale.
We have placed
listening devices
in the hideaways
of this city's most
nefarious criminals,
including that of
MonsieurTiny.
TINY: [ON TAPE] ...sharp,
and somebody better know
where that stone is!
[STOPS TAPE]
Now, we know that you're after
our Byzantine Fire.
Who do you think has it?
Um, Elvis?
We checked. He has an alibi.
[CHUCKLES] Sorry.
I'll do my best to find it.
800 years ago,
the stone was stolen
from Constantinople!
The guiding spirits of all of
Byzantium disappeared with it
and the empire crumbled
into ash!
To guarantee the rebirth
of the Great Byzantine Empire,
the stone, the ruby,
must be returned!
So your best
will not be enough,
you must do better,
MonsieurCardinale!
So you will find it
and you will give it to me.
Or else...
Better than my best
is no problem.
I warn you. Do not make me do
something that I would not do,
unless someone make me do it
because they didn't do
something someone
told them to do.
Don't worry, Bob. I would
never do something
to make someone do something
to someone
because that someone didn't do
something that someone wanted
them to do.
I'm glad we understand
each other.
Me too.
We will be in touch.
You may go now.
[DOOR OPENS]
[CLATTERING]
-[GASPS]
-Oh, Geez!
What are you doing home
from work?
What did you do
to my living room?
Same thing you did
to your bedroom.
BOTH: Did you find it?
-This what you're looking for?
-Holy moly!
Oh, I guess it's not a cheap
reproduction, huh?
Guess not.
Excuse me.
I wonder what
we're gonna get for it.
Oh, we'll get about 20 years,
killed, hunted down like deer.
Come on!
[BANGING ON DOOR]
MAN: Police! Open up! Police!
-What do we do now?
-COP: I said police!
Hide the ring. Hide it.
Hide the ring!
-Hide the ring!
-I can't!
COP: Want me to break it down?
All right...
-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
-Shh!
COP: Breaking down the door!
What are you doing?
You're pulling my knuckle out!
So what did you do,
weld it on?
-Come on, shit!
-COP: Can you hear me
out here? I said police!
Now, open the door!
-[POUNDING ON DOOR]
-COP: Okay, we're coming in.
-That's not going to work.
-GUS: It'll have to!
-Holy moly!
-COP: two, three, four!
Open the door!
Come on, let's go!
-[PIANO PLAYING]
-[JUNE SCATTING]
-Rene Agustin Cardinale?
-Yeah.
We need you to come
downtown with us.
-May I ask why?
-No. You may not.
Okay.
-Darling?
-Honey?
What about a goodbye kiss?
Puppy. Oh.
Honey.
GUS: Pull on it, pull it.
Pull on it.
-GUS: [GROANS] Wait, wait.
-[JUNE MOANS]
[BOTH MOANING]
[CONTINUES MOANING]
It's all right.
They're engaged.
-Come on, do it. Do it.
-[JUNE MOANS]
GUS: Wait, wait, wait.
-[THUD]
-[BOTH PANTING]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[CONTINUES MOANING]
What, do you want
a cigarette now?
You can pick him up
in a couple of hours.
You can finish up later, okay?
Let's go.
[DOOR CLOSES]
-[CRASHES]
-[CAT MEOWS]
FREEDLY:
Rene Agustin Cardinale?
Rumor has it you're one
of the best safe crackers
in Europe.
I know, I started the rumor.
-Don't get smart with me.
-Let's get stupid.
Rene... Agustin...
Those are girl's names,
aren't they?
Well, not in Switzerland.
What do they call you
in America? Rene?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Gus.
Okay, Gus. You know why
you were brought here?
Because the Byzantine Fire
was stolen.
Oh, really?
You know, huh?
Well, then maybe
you can tell us
why the Turks
want it back, huh?
To guarantee the return of
the Great Byzantine Empire.
He knows.
Well, now, is there anything
you don't know?
Such as, the stone was stolen
by Armenians?
And then, somebody stole it
from them?
And it's your job
to get it back.
I know that.
Print him.
Give me your hand.
No, the other hand.
Left hand. Thumb.
Just relax it. Let me do it.
Whoa! Put that finger away.
When you're in Los Angeles,
the LAPD decides
when to fingerprint.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-What is your name?
-Gus.
-Gus, what?
-Gus Cardinale.
Cardinal, like the blue bird.
Where's that accent from, Gus,
New Jersey?
Yeah. Switzerland.
-You married?
-No.
Then why the ring?
I used to be married.
I stopped.
Don't dick with me, Gus.
Last guy dicked with me
is painting the landscapes
with his teeth.
What color is a ruby, Gus?
-Ruby! What color is it?
-[MOUTHING] Red.
Red.
What does the word
"Hasselmort" mean to you?
-"Hassel..."
-One word. "Hasselmort."
A deli?
A deli.
Safe cracker?
Get out of here, Gus.
Now.
We need you
we'll give you a call.
[SIGHS]
That, gentlemen,
is how you conduct
an interrogation.
What's the matter?
Get you face
caught in a zipper?
What'd he mean by that?
See that van?
Sure.
[EXPLOSION]
That is my brother
and his family.
They thought they were going
to Disneyland.
I hope you're satisfied.
What? You blew up
your bother and his family?
They were honored
to die for the cause.
[CAR HONKS]
My grandmother loved her life.
Give me the stone.
-[CAR HONKS]
-JUNE: Gus.
Who, may I ask was that?
I have a strong feeling
you won't believe me.
Let's go.
-Try me.
-Well, a...
-GUS: A homicidal
Armenian terrorist.
-JUNE: Please.
She knows about the ring.
-You still have it.
-Of course I still have it.
-I can't take it off.
-They didn't...
They didn't see it?
June, they saw it
and they said,
"Please, Mr. Cardinale,
go home." What do you think?
Okay you don't have
to get snappy.
-I'm not snappy.
-What are we gonna do?
Let's go home.
Let's just go home.
-All right.
-Okay?
So...
Benji Klopzik.
Good afternoon,
chief inspector.
Fry in hell, Klopzik.
My pleasure, sir.
So...
All you social misfits,
penny-ante hustlers,
cheap jack four flushers,
misunderstood children of
malnourished mothers,
have decided
to help the LAPD
find the Byzantine Fire.
-Is that it?
-Yes, sir.
All of us misfits
are very excited about it.
Listen to me, haircut.
There is no deal here.
Whatever you and your friends
decide to do
will be done strictly
out of public spiritedness.
-You got that?
-Yes, sir, chief inspector.
Good.
Now get out of here.
Yes, sir, chief inspector.
Now.
-Come on, Benji.
-Put a wire on him.
A wire, sir?
You got a problem with that,
Klopzik?
No, sir. A small wire
will be my pleasure, sir.
Fry in hell, you stoolie scum.
KLOPZIK: My pleasure, sir!
It's good as new.
So what happens now?
-We got to go to Tiny's.
-Tiny's? Now? Why?
-Why?
-Why?
Because I don't wanna have
my legs broken.
-What?
-Legs.
Hey, hey, hey!
You can't keep that
in the house.
-Why not?
-Because it's dangerous.
-Get it out!
-June, June,
it's not dangerous.
-Take it with you.
-I can't.
Why not?
-Because...
-It's dangerous, precisely.
Exactly.
So, be careful.
So my source,
this west side guy,
tells me diplomats
have the ruby
at the Russian embassy.
-[CROWD DISAGREES]
-Oh, bologna!
Sit your fat butt down!
You watch too much TV.
Shut up!
Ah-ha!
Gus and Bruno, just in time.
Well, this is
your bright idea,
to look for the guy
with the ruby.
-Sure.
-I hope you got
some news for us.
-I can trust you guys?
-[CROWD AGREES]
-Like family?
-Yeah!
Like cousins.
Okay.
I can guarantee the...
The ruby ring.
How come you can't say it,
Gus?
I know, I know,
I know that voice.
GUS: Oh, I can say it.
-TINY: Is that so?
-[REPEATING]
I know, I know, I know...
I know that voice.
I know that voice.
Come here.
[YELLS] Come here!
I've known you guys
for a while, right?
-Sure.
-Well, Gus...
[SNIFFS] There is a stink
[SNIFFS AGAIN] coming
from you, like something
I never smelt before.
Oh, that's me.
I just had Thai food.
No, I don't think so!
-I think it's you guys!
-[CROWD AGREES]
[ON WIRE]
Breaker, Breaker Roller Skate,
this is Widow Maker.
Do you copy?
-Breaker Breaker,
Roller Skate...
-Will you shut up?
-A wire?
A wire in my room? Who?
-Shit!
-Who?
-Roller Skate, come in.
Who, who?
Benjy, you're dead!
TINY: Get him!
[MOB YELLING]
-Bruno!
-What?
-Come on, come on!
Come on!
-[HONKING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[GUNFIRE]
[POLICES SIREN WAILS]
GUS: Bruno!
Wait, my friend, wait,
I only want to speak with you!
[EXCLAIMING]
Mr. Officer, hello.
Sorry, bad brakes.
[RECORDING BEING PLAYED]
A wire, a wire in my room?
Who, who?
Benjy, you're dead!
OFFICER: Come on, Benjy.
Come on!
Look, look,
nobody's going to
hurt you in here, all right?
-[RECORDING] Benjy...
-[GASPS]
You're dead!
Come on, Benjy, come on!
Look...
See, there's nobody in here
but the nice chief inspector!
-Chief,
they're going to kill me!
-No, they're not, Benjy!
Chief, I promised him
departmental protection.
-He promised me.
-He did?
Chief, if we don't help him,
every informant in town
is going to know
that we didn't help him
and for the next six months
we won't know jack shit
from a jujube.
And he did get us our man!
-And you owe me.
-I do?
Yeah.
But I don't want
any of those programs,
none of them
witness protection things.
They won't do me no good.
What do you want,
Klopzik?
Sit down, Chief. Sit down.
Well...
Plastic surgery for starters,
and a new name.
A whole new identity.
And a nice apartment.
A nice soft job, decent money,
but not too much work.
And hey,
maybe in the Mayor's office.
Mayor's office?
Yeah. And I don't want to be
a Klopzik no more.
Well, what do you want to be,
Klopzik?
-I want to be a... Smith.
-Benjy Smith.
No! Brenda Smith.
Brenda... Smith.
[SNORTS]
Ho!
Whoa, whoa, I would love
to help you become
Brenda Smith.
I'll take care of it, Chief.
I'll take care of it.
Fucking Brenda Smith!
Brenda fucking Smith!
[SIGHS]
WOMAN 1: All right,
I'll see you next week,
bye, bye.
WOMAN 2: Bye,
take care of yourself.
[COIN CLATTERS]
[PANTING]
[PHONE RINGS]
DISPATCHER: LAPD.
Hello? I want to
speak to Mahoney.
-[DOOR OPENS]
-LEON: Chief!
There's somebody on
the phone, I think you
really ought to talk to.
-Who?
-Guess.
Who?
What color is a ruby?
Hello?
-Mahoney?
-Yes, Cardinale, it is.
-GUS: I'm not Cardinale.
-Oh, really?
I got the ruby,
I want to make a deal.
A deal?
Let me tell you something...
MAHONEY: Not only would I not
disgrace myself doing deals
with the likes of you,
when I get hold of you
I'm going to ram your head
so far up your ass,
you'll be staring
at your buns!
You got that? Hello?
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Hello?
So sorry. Bad brakes.
Call AAA.
Oh, I apologize.
Wait! Wait!
I just want to talk to you!
One minute! One second.
He hung up on me.
Maybe that was
the wrong approach.
Hi!
-How many in your party, sir?
-None!
-Hi, how many people...
-[GROWLS]
[PLATES SHATTERING]
Excuse me.
WAITRESS: Hey!
-[EXCLAIMING]
-[MAN GRUNTING]
Maybe you shouldn't
have yelled at him,
you scared him off.
Who the fuck asked you, Leon?
Yeah, Leon?
And we got to get him! Us!
Not the CIA!
Not those foreign creeps!
I couldn't agree
with you more, sir.
And not the goddamned
criminal element either.
Although you can bet
your granny's knockers
they got the best shot at it.
Absolutely, sir.
I think we lost him.
We can sit here
'til the next administration
and I bet that...
[PHONE RINGING]
TECHNICIAN: That's the line.
Cardinale?
MAHONEY: Cardinale?
[GIGGLING]
I'm not Cardinale.
Yeah. And I'm not
Mahoney either.
-So, talk to me, stranger.
-Listen.
I've got the ruby,
I don't want it, you do.
Let's make a deal.
-The ruby for what?
-A different thief.
-Greater LA.
-Another thief?
TECHNICIAN:
Sherman Oaks, I think.
Yeah, you find a guy,
you announce you got him,
and the ruby ring
and it's over.
He's in Long Beach
or Malibu.
God, would you make up
your goddamn mind!
Some place with sand.
Where is this thief?
I mean if he doesn't exist
I don't have somebody
for the press conference...
...and if he does,
the frame doesn't stick!
Hey, listen, what do I know?
I'm not a cop!
He's in Hollywood!
[CHUCKLES]
-Well, blow me dry!
-What?
Brenda Smith.
Who?
I don't think that's
any of your business.
I've got the perfect guy.
So, what about the ring?
After you make
the announcement.
MAHONEY: What announcement?
On the 11:00 p.m. news,
you just say you've caught
the thief with the ruby ring.
You've got yourself a deal.
All right, I think
he's in Pasadena or...
Ah, forget it!
I don't know
where this guy is!
I want my diamonds back.
-What diamonds?
-The ones your men took from
my fence, Ralph Jackson.
I'll check into it.
Now, how do I get the ring?
GUS: I'll get back
to you later.
First, you make
the announcement.
Thanks a lot. Nice work.
TECHNICIAN: [MOUTHING] What?
Shit!
[GASPS]
Gus, what happened?
The Turks have been here.
Going somewhere?
Yeah, I solved everything.
We're leaving the country.
I made a deal with
the police to trade the ring
for the diamonds.
That'll solve our problems.
Fine, then we're outta here.
The ring is gone.
JUNE: I know, I took it.
Thank God!
See, I told you keeping it
here was dangerous and
if I hadn't moved it
the Turks would have found it.
Now, okay, okay, okay.
Where'd you put it?
In my safety deposit box.
Good thinking.
All we got to do is go
and get it. Let's go!
Hang on, hang on, wait!
The bank is closed.
[SCOFFS] Don't you have keys?
Yeah, well, I mean,
it's a bank.
They don't just give keys
to everybody who works there.
Okay, well, we'll get it
in the morning.
Oh, but tomorrow's Saturday,
the bank is closed.
Banks are open on Saturdays!
Not this one. We will just
have to wait until Monday.
Monday I'll be in jail.
On Monday we'll be in Europe!
Wait a minute.
I've got a better idea.
We're gonna get
the ruby tonight,
give it to the cops
by tomorrow
and be in Europe on Monday.
My bank?
-Yeah.
-Me?
-Yes!
-No!
-Yes!
-No!
[PHONE RINGING]
GUS: Go!
Oh!
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
Shit!
What?
Oh, Dad, sorry.
Now? He wants us
to go downstairs.
Okay. Yeah,
we'll be right down.
[CHUCKLING]
Look! Beauty, huh?
-What a car!
-Want to go for a ride?
-JUNE: No. Who did you
steal this from?
-GUS: Yeah!
I didn't steal it.
The Turks gave it to me.
What do you mean the Turks?
We made a deal.
Want to go for a ride?
No, I don't want to go for
a ride! What kind of deal?
I promised that we get
the ruby to them
by tomorrow at 8:00.
-What?
-Just take it back.
I know what you thinking,
Gus, but you're wrong.
The Ferrari's just a down
payment, a show of good faith.
We're getting two million
dollars in US currency, too.
Just return the car!
I can't.
They threatened us a little.
How little?
They said if we didn't get
the ring to them,
they'd chop our heads off.
[CHUCKLING]
They're gonna chop
our heads off?
It's just a deal point,
part of the negotiations,
something to keep 'em happy.
So my advice is,
give 'em the ring.
My advice, Bruno,
is get out of here now!
What about the Turks?
What about the Turks?
I don't know about the Turks.
I'm going to deal with
the Turks, somehow.
-How?
-How? Without you.
That's how. Now, go!
-Okay, okay Gus, take it easy.
-Oh, take it easy.
Sure! By Monday
we'll be dead. Take it easy.
Okay, well, how are you going
to take care of the Turks?
We gotta rob my bank
and then give the stone
to the police!
-[TIRES SQUEALING]
-A bank job?
Out!
JUNE: I just, I haven't got
a dishonest bone in my body.
-GUS: Bruno, your father?
-JUNE: Of course, he is.
But I don't know anything
about robbing a bank!
Don't worry,
he doesn't either.
Oh, I find that hugely
comforting, thank you.
June, relax.
I just need one assistant.
All you got to do
is follow my instructions.
I can't do it. Forget it.
I haven't got
the stomach for it.
Especially not my bank.
First instruction,
hold this, don't move.
What are you...
-Good evening.
-WOMAN: Good evening.
Have a nice meal.
WOMAN: Thank you.
MAN: Thank you.
Hey! Second instruction,
get in.
[GUS CHUCKLING]
Stolen car,
can't trace the plates.
Oh, I'm going to rob
my bank in a stolen car!
I borrowed it,
we'll give it back in an hour.
GUS: [ON SPEAKER] Hey, June,
if it makes you feel better,
we're going to buy the rest
of the stuff we need. Okay?
-[BIRDS CHIRPING]
-Oh, boy, now you get
to see where I work?
Yes? Where I used to work.
I don't think I'm going
to work there anymore,
you know, but that's okay.
June! June! Release 'em.
-[CHIRPING]
-Okay, they're coming.
Go on, come on, [BLOWS]
Come on, come on,
here they come, Gus.
Go on, go on,
that's it, that's it! [BLOWS]
Flight's in, flight's in, Gus.
[BIRDS TWITTERING]
Okay!
[HEAVY BREATHING ON TV]
[WOMAN SCREAMING IN TV]
[ALARM BLARING]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
-What the hell was that?
-[ALARM CONTINUES]
LA Bank, motion detector!
GUARD 1: I'll call
the bank manager!
It's birds! Do you think
they're armed and dangerous?
[GIGGLES]
We've got to call
the police anyway.
What's their number?
I don't know, nine something.
[ALARM STOPS]
Hey, June!
-Yeah?
-GUS: Having fun?
[BLOWS] You bet!
[POLICE SIRENS BLARING]
Get ready.
Okay, yeah.
Now!
[GAS HISSING]
Gas is flowing.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO]
[HISSING CONTINUES]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Birds?
-[IMITATES GUNSHOT]
-[BIRD SQUEAKS]
All I did was go...
[IMITATES GUNSHOT]
What's wrong with you, guys?
You're fool...
Fooling, fooling around...
You know, those cops are
going to be there for hours.
Do you mind?
This is my favorite part
of the picture!
This is where
she takes the hanger
and sticks it in his eye.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
[HEAVY BREATHING ON TV]
[WOMAN GASPS ON TV]
That's the bank,
just as the party's
far-reaching intelligence
network predicted.
Okay.
Now, you bring me Gus,
and I will get you out
of the country with the ruby.
Deal! Yours!
Long live the glorious
New Armenian Liberation Party!
Yeah, right, long live, right.
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
You take care of
that Armenian weirdo
right after you take
care of Gus' girl
and then you bring Gus
with the ruby to me!
Got it, boss.
Come on, Gus, come on!
Hey! Yo, Gus!
GUS: June, just listen.
-[ALARM BLARING]
-[BOTH SCREAMING]
Gus, what was that?
-GUARD 1: Exploding birds!
-Holy shit!
June! June! I'm in!
[CHUCKLING]
Breaking into the bank, huh?
No!
I thought this...
Actually would be
a kind of an opportune
spot maybe to meet
some new folks.
[HISSING]
Damn! Why is it
taking him so long?
[ENGINE STALLING]
[SIGHS]
Ah, good man! Ah!
Come on, let's go!
-It's dead.
-What's dead?
The car, it just doesn't work.
The key.
GUS: Shit!
JUNE: Gus! Gus!
Give it to me, or another
life is on your hands.
Another?
[POLICE SIRENS
BLARING DISTANTLY]
My grandmother.
You killed your grandmother?
She was honored
to die for the cause.
Now, give me the ring, or
I blow my father's brains out.
GUS: Shit!
-Dad!
-GUS: Bruno!
How about a ride now?
[POLICE SIRENS BLARING]
What the hell
is going on here?
-Bruno? I...
-Yeah?
I'm sorry for everything
my kind has ever done to you.
That's okay.
I'm sure they didn't mean it.
Boy, I hope he's thinking
of something.
I hope so too, no one
should look that serious
unless they're thinking
of something.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Look, look, look, it's on!
-Hey, Gus!
-JUNE: Gus!
[BRUNO WHISTLES]
ANCHOR: The thief was
apprehended by police chief
Francis Mahoney
late this evening.
He is identified as
Benjamin Arthur Klopzik.
Mahoney said his arrest
was the result of the work
of a team of police detectives
working around the clock.
MAHONEY: [ON TV] Yes.
We did pick up
the no good[BEEPS]
piece of[BEEP]
jaboni tonight.
We got his[BEEP]
mother too.
It just goes to prove
what good can happen
when the[BEEP] public
cooperates with the police.
And that bad things can happen
when no talent[BEEPS]
jabonis don't.
Thank you.
Okay. We got to get the ruby
to Mahoney and the Turks.
That's impossible!
-No, it's not.
-Yes, it is.
-No, it's not.
-Gus, it's impossible!
-No, it's not.
-You have a plan?
-I do.
-Oh, that's different then.
We got to be at Arco Towers
in Long Beach by dawn.
GUS: Let's go!
[ENGINE REVVING OVER SPEAKER]
-GUS: Every thing's set?
-JUNE: Yeah.
-GUS: You know
what you have to do?
-JUNE: Yeah.
Pst! Pst!
Hey! Pst! Pst!
[THUD]
Providence, boys,
just pulled in.
Oh, Dad?
Good luck.
Go on.
They're coming up.
I'm ready for 'em.
That's everyone.
Oh, yeah? Well, then,
who was that?
CIA dogs! Let's go!
CIA? Look, you go and...
I'll stay here and keep watch.
Okay?
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
The south elevator locked.
Gus, all yours.
[CHUCKLES]
LEON: Tenth floor,
north tower.
-Better not be dicking
with me, Leon.
-Oh, stop it.
He's coming up.
Tenth floor, huh?
Let's surprise them.
Take the stairs.
[CHUCKLES] Very clever.
MAHONEY: Did you give him
permission to call me that?
I told him to call you Frank.
Two minutes, two minutes
from when?
Two minutes from
two minutes ago.
Gus, I've got the diamonds.
[GRUNTING]
GUS: Morning, guys.
Do you have the Fire?
Of course!
Do you have the money?
Of course!
Your partner specified
small unmarked currency.
There is two million
one dollar bills in this bag.
Bruno!
-GUS: Bruno!
-Yeah?
You're an idiot!
Oh, Gus, I'm getting a little
static on the headset.
Okay.
How do I know that
the ruby is in there?
Have a look!
All right, all right, close
the box! Close the box!
-Is it closed?
-Yeah!
Okay. How do we
make the exchange?
-See the rope?
-Yes.
-Move over.
-Okay.
You go and cut him off!
When I get the ruby,
you bring back the money.
Okay?
Okay! [CHUCKLES]
Bruno! Bruno, get ready.
Don't worry. I've got
everything under control!
BRUNO: Oh, shit!
[GROANS]
Watch your step, Abdul!
You want fire? I'll show you
fire! I'll show you fire!
I'll show you fire!
No doubt about it, we are
being dicked, dicked, dicked!
Just keep moving.
Clever. Very, very clever.
Wait! Wait!
You call that a deal?
Bruno, I'm dropping the money.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
-BRUNO: That isn't part
of the plan, is it?
-It is now.
[SCREAMS]
Oh!
Give it to me, or I will make
myself an orphan.
What?
Nice! Geez!
Dicked! Dicked! Dicked!
That's what he's done to us!
All right. Cardinale!
Where's the ruby?
I'll get it for you.
Oh, my God!
Whoa!
Him! That's the one
who dicked us!
Gus! What are you doing?
I was just asking myself
the same question.
Cardinale!
Look at me, Cardinale!
[GRUNTING]
Come back here, you,
lying sack of shit!
Listen! Listen to me!
[GUNS COCKING]
Hey, don't try
anything stupid, pal!
What could be fucking
stupider than this?
-LEON: Chief!
-Come...
Come back here!
Chief, here's a way out!
Shoot it, Leon.
I'll take care of it.
After you, Leon.
[GRUNTING]
[YELLING]
[BOTH EXCLAIMING]
Man! Now, our guns
are down there!
Get the ruby to Mahoney.
I'll do it! I'll do it!
[PANTING]
Oh, okay, we'll go this way.
This way is fine with me.
Oh, Dad.
Give me the ring.
-No problem.
-[BOTH GASP]
Watch it!
Let's get out of here.
[BOTH YELLING]
First, we'll finish the deal.
You get the ruby to Mahoney,
you get the...
I'll take that,
thank you very much.
[YELLING]
And thank you...
Liberation!
New plan! You get the car,
you get the money and
I'll get the stone to Mahoney!
Wait! I get the what?
The car!
Oh!
Should I rip out your teeth
before or after you
give me that ruby?
After.
[ENGINE REVVING]
[SIGHS]
Do it to it, Leon.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[LAUGHING]
Hold it right there!
You're under arrest!
Hold it!
[BOTH YELLING]
You have the right
to remain silent!
[CAR HORN HONKING]
I said stop! Stop!
We're the CIA!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Clever! Very clever!
[YELLING IN PAIN]
MAHONEY: Leon, give
me the ring.
Leon!
I would like to thank
Chief Mahoney and his men
for apprehending
the guilty party
and returning the Byzantine
Fire to its rightful owners.
Thank you very much.
The Fire will be returned
to its native land.
Where it will be enshrined
in the sacred temple of the
people of Turkish descent.
That one is $50,000.
Oh, boy.
-So?
-Hmmn!
-We'll think about it.
-Yeah.
-Thanks for all your help.
-Thank you.
What do you think, huh?
Oh, pretty!
-Bruno, it's you.
-Yeah.
Let's go.
Damn!
Thanks so much.
Thank you.
Oh, we'll be back!