Why Can't My Life Be a Rom Com? (2023) Movie Script

- Oh my God, this

is such a surprise.

A promotion?

So unexpected.

I had no idea this was coming.

I did work so hard.

Thank you.

Me?

I would love a corner office.

I accept.

Thank you so much.

I never saw this coming.

To my promotion.

Babe, did you get up early

to wish me good luck?

- Wish you luck? For?

- The promotion.

- Oh right, the promotion.

- Junior executive

event planner.

It's gonna be me, right?

- Oh, totally. It's yours.

- Oh, God.

I feel like Molly Ringwald

at the end of every movie.

I'm like, all my

dreams are coming true.

- You're such a geek for

those movies, aren't you?

- I know, I know.

And they're super problematic,

but I can't help it.

I love them and I love you.

Okay, bye.

- Wait, babe,

can you help me stretch this

canvas real quick, please?

- Oh, look, I would love to,

but I like, I can't

be late again.

- Oh, come on.

No, it'll take

like five minutes.

I'm feeling inspired.

You know what happens

if you start painting

when inspiration hits.

Come on.

- I know, I know.

And I don't wanna like

stifle your genius or anything.

But I- - I need you.

Come on.

It'll be quick.

- I mean, it's so unfair.

I know that being

late is a no-no,

but you're really

gonna fire me over it?

- Well, did they fire

you for being late

or did they fire you

because you like-

- For talking back to my boss.

I know.

But I was just so like

overheated and emotional,

and I was just like really,

really, really upset.

I mean, that was my job.

You know, I was

late because of you.

- We're all grownups here.

You gotta be responsible

for your own decisions.

- God, I know, okay?

This is just the

worst day of my life.

- Well, at least one

of us had a good day.

I just heard back

from the gallery,

and they're gonna

give me my own show.

- Oh my God.

Really?

Babe, that's amazing.

I'm, I'm so proud of you.

I always knew that you

were gonna make it.

- I know.

That's why it makes it so hard

to tell you the other thing.

- What?

What other thing?

- I'm moving in with Sandra.

- The gallery owner?

Babe, it's sweet of you

to try to make me laugh, but...

Really?

♪ I couldn't help myself

- There should be a rule

where you're not allowed

to lose your job and your

boyfriend on the same day.

- There is.

It's called decency.

- Oh.

- You know, it was

all working out fine

when he couldn't

afford to pay rent.

But as soon as his

career starts taking off-

- Are we surprised?

- Sofia!

Comfort me.

- I'm just saying,

this is nothing new.

Your last three boyfriends-

- Four.

Todd.

- Oh, ew, Todd.

I forgot about Todd.

See? This is what you do.

You take strays in

and you clean them up

and then change their litter.

- Oh, god. I need more alcohol.

Okay.

Here's what we're gonna do.

The next time that I

think that a guy is cute,

you're gonna step in,

you're gonna interfere,

and you're gonna say veto.

- I am a million

steps ahead of you.

I already have a plan.

- "A Guide to Marrying Rich."

- It's super legit.

The author, Margaret Dumont,

she went from being a secretary

to marrying one of the

richest men in the country.

- This book is ancient.

- Yeah, so is the Bible.

- Where did you find this thing?

- Some lame Tinder date.

This guy took me to

a used bookstore.

Like, is that even a date?

Anyway, thankfully

I found this book

and it was like, yes,

universe, I hear you.

- Yeah.

You hear the call of the 1950s.

- 1967.

- How is this even a thing?

You don't need a man to

have your dream life.

- Says the girl that screwed

up her dream job for a dude.

Look, I'm not gonna be

a bartender forever.

And I am super sick of living

with seven other wannabe models

in a two bedroom apartment.

Yes, we're all tiny,

so it's really only like living

with four people, but still.

And I'm not gonna get ahead.

Like my biggest paying gig

was that JC Penney catalog,

and that's just sad.

- Well, it would be nice

if someone could pay my rent

because lord knows

I can't afford it.

- So we sublet our apartments.

- No, I can't.

I need to find a job.

- How?

You work in a very

competitive industry

and you just got fired.

No one's hiring you.

- Aren't you supposed to

be making me feel better?

- We're going away

for the summer!

- You can't take the summer off.

You're employed.

- Oh, right.

Hey, Cass.

Yeah.

I quit.

- What?

Sofia, what are you doing?

- I am betting on myself

just like the book says.

You're only 25 once.

And do you know what we are?

- 26.

- Yeah, we are behind.

We need to get off our asses

and take charge of our lives.

- What? By leaving New York?

- Oh God, no.

Oh no.

We're going to the Hamptons.

My aunt has a timeshare there.

We'll live there for the summer

and come back with

rich husbands.

- Okay, wait.

You actually think

that both of us

are gonna meet rich dudes

and get them to marry

us before Labor Day?

- Well, according

to Miss Dumont,

hell yes.

- Oh, she did leave a key.

- Under a frog or something.

- Ah, there you go.

- Should just leave a key

under a frog ornament

like every other

old retired person.

- I'm sure there's a key

somewhere inside.

Are you good?

- Yes.

You good

with these bags?

- I am.

- Buddy, need a little help?

There you go.

- This is why we need

rich boyfriends too,

because they will have

people to carry things.

- You know, we're only

here for the summer, right?

- Yeah.

- So you should take the loft.

It sort of feels like you're

sleeping in a tent up there

and I know you're into

that sort of thing

and you know I'm not.

- Happily.

So, I hate to always

be the practical one,

but first thing's first,

we're gonna find jobs, right?

- What for?

We have a free place to stay.

- Oh, I don't know, maybe food.

- Soon we'll have

rich boyfriends

that'll pay for all our meals.

- How soon?

- This is it.

The place to be and be seen.

The Zane Hotel and Beach Club.

Everyone hangs out here.

- So why does that sign

say for hotel guests only?

- Oh, it's to keep

out the tourists.

- Oh, you mean us.

- No, they want

hotties like us here.

- Uh-huh.

- Let's go down to the beach.

That's where they keep

all the rich husbands.

- Should you take those

stupid things off?

- Absolutely not.

According to the book,

a woman must always

wear high heels.

Never wait for a man to

put you on a pedestal.

Do it yourself and

he'll get the idea.

Oh, shit.

- Are you okay?

- Oh, I'm fine.

I'm Sofia.

- Hi, Sofia.

I'm John. John Fuller.

- Oh, John, thanks for

lending me your lap.

- Anytime.

- I just might take

you up on that.

Of course, you'll have

to buy me a drink first.

- Okay, let's get

you going, all right?

- Darling.

- Yes, okay. You good?

You ready?

Yeah, great. Awesome, okay.

- Oh, thank you.

- Take care of yourselves.

- Thank you so much.

Yeah, thank you so much.

- Thank you.

- Okay, let's go.

That was embarrassing.

- Embarrassing or strategic?

For your information,

I just met John Fuller,

major trust fund,

and number 74 in Forbes

list of Rich Under 30.

That's right, Mama

did her homework.

- Hey, dummy.

What have you been

doing all day?

You know what?

Don't answer that.

All right, first the bathrooms.

The beach has been unattended.

What's going on?

Hello?

What is this?

- It's a towel.

- Wrong.

It's a dirty towel.

You know where I found it?

With the clean towels.

- Okay.

- No, it's not okay.

Let me break this

down for you, dummy.

- Oh, my name's Doug.

- Do you know how many guys

want this position, Doug?

More than you're probably

capable of counting.

So you separate these towels,

like your job depends on it,

because it does.

- I wonder if our kids

will have blue eyes like me

or brown eyes, like John's.

- Hi, can I take that?

- Oh.

He's cute.

- Veto.

- Come on.

- He's a towel boy, Eliza.

- I'm unemployed, Sofia.

- Look past the towel

boy there to your left.

That's Rich Hawthorne.

He's an orthopedic surgeon,

and he just bought his

own 4.8 million townhouse

on East 74th.

- I don't know.

I'm just not into the

whole chiseled thing.

- Yes, you are.

- How does he get

his hair so perfect?

- Ooh, there's John.

- What's up guys?

- What's up man?

Our future husbands,

they're friends.

- I told you I did my homework.

It's literally meant to be.

Think about it.

Okay, "A Guide to

Marrying Rich."

His name is Rich.

He is rich.

- Yeah, yeah. I got it.

Okay, fine.

I'll go introduce myself.

- Don't you dare.

According to the book,

the first time a guy

lays his eyes on you

has to be memorable.

Ooh, I got it.

Okay.

You go for a swim,

you get a cramp,

you start to drown,

and he saves you.

And then your bikini top

comes off in the process.

- I think the fake drowning

is memorable enough.

- Not as memorable as tits.

Just saying.

- Help.

Help.

I'm drowning.

Oh, the water.

It's so rough here.

And I'm not as strong

as swimmer as I thought.

I'm in a rip tide.

Help.

I'm in a rip tide.

Help. Help.

- Your top!

- What?

- Take off your top.

Tits!

- I'm not doing that. No.

Help.

- Hey, daddy-o.

Hey, Doug.

What do you say you

cut out of there early

and meet me for some lunch.

- I'm working, remember?

Well,

you're working too hard.

- Oh, says the hardest

working guy I know.

- I'm drowning.

I'm really drowning this time.

Help.

Help, I'm drowning.

- Dad, I gotta go, Dad.

- Help.

Help, I'm drowning.

- Okay I'm coming.

- Help, I'm drowning.

I'm single and drowning.

- I got you, I got you.

- What are you doing.

- No!

- Help!

- Okay.

- Help, help!

Not you.

- No!

- Look, okay.

Feet on the ground.

Then on and up.

Okay.

Wonderful.

The shore is right there,

there's some towels

that I can grab you.

- No, it's not...

That's okay, I'm okay.

- So you're pretending to drown?

- Um, uh.

Okay, this is embarrassing,

but my friend Sofia over there,

yeah, she told me

that this would be

a really great

way to meet a guy.

- Oh, well, I mean,

I'm one of those.

- Uh.

- Veto, veto, veto, veto!

Veto!

- Yeah.

Not you.

You're not the guy.

- Ouch.

- Yeah, it's just, you know,

you're not really my type.

- Uh-huh.

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, so what is your type?

- Oh, you see that

chiseled guy over there?

Yeah, that's kind of my thing.

- Okay, so you owe me.

Start flailing.

- Help!

Help!

Can we

get some help here?

- Help!

- I need help

saving this woman!

- Help, I'm so cold!

- A little help over here?

- We're drowning!

- I'm drowning too!

We're drowning.

I'm struggling

to save this woman.

Help us!

- Are you okay?

Are you good?

You all right?

- Uh, yeah.

I am so good.

- I'm Rich.

- Eliza.

- I hate that all the rich guys

go back to the city

during the week.

It makes our timeline

so much crunchier.

- Well, I think

it's a good thing.

We can't spend all our summer

trying to get these

guys to fall for us.

We need to work.

Otherwise, we're

gonna spend our summer

eating out of

people's garbage cans.

- Eliza, it's the Hamptons.

There's lobster in

those garbage cans.

- Oh.

Let's go.

- No way. Absolutely not.

This skin does not do

greasy environments.

- We've tried literally

everywhere else.

Okay.

Come on, Sofia.

- Can you read?

- Yeah.

Can you write?

- Totally.

- Can you carry a tray?

- Yeah.

- You're hired.

- Okay.

- It's a dream come true.

This isn't exactly the

chic Hamptons couture

I pictured wearing this summer.

- Oh, you'll be fine.

Order up.

- What are you staring at?

- I know you.

- Definitely not.

- Yeah, I know I definitely do.

- Well, I don't know you.

- I'm Ryan.

- Mm-hmm.

- You look like a model.

- Yeah, I am actually.

- Like a famous model.

See, I knew it.

What the hell are

you doing here?

- Research.

I got this big job.

They want me to be like a

normal person or something.

- Oh shit, that's cool.

Nice.

Hey, wait there for a second.

- Oh my gosh, how dare you.

- Hi, are you ready to...

Oh.

- Ah, well hello.

- Hi.

- Are you really

gonna take my order

or are you just pretending

to be a waitress?

- What I'm pretending is that

that whole drowning thing,

it just never happened

and that we've never met.

You feel like playing along?

- Hi, nice to meet you.

I'm Doug.

- Eliza.

I like what you're wearing.

It's very Ducky.

- Yeah.

You know, most people

assume I'm a Blane

but I got a secret dorky

or Ducky thing happening.

- Wait, you know,

"Pretty in Pink?"

- Not every word by heart, but.

- Well, I know

every single word.

In fact, the only movie

that I've seen more times

than "Pretty in Pink" is-

- "Say Anything."

- Get out of my head.

- "Say Anything" has

got to have the best

moment of any '80s movie ever.

- You mean when John Cusack

shows up at Ione Skye's house

even after she says that

she doesn't love him?

- But he doesn't believe her

and he stands outside her window

holding that boom

box above his head

with Peter Gabriel

singing "In Your Eyes."

Ah, what?

- It's just we're not

supposed to like that anymore.

- What?

- You know, because the whole

guy shows up at a girl's house

in the middle of the night-

- It was sunrise.

- Uninvited, even after she said

that she didn't like him.

- Oh man.

Yeah.

- Oh, my whole world just.

- I know.

I know, it's been

a long road for me.

- I mean, I did stop

watching "16 Candles"

at some point for

obvious reasons, but-

- Well, I promise that

this is just as obvious

if you have a vagina.

It's heartbreaking.

- The problem is,

when I'm heartbroken,

all I wanna do is watch

those movies on a loop.

- I know. It's vicious cycle.

- Eliza.

Your order's up.

What do you think you're doing?

- I was just talking.

Oh my God.

Sofia, you don't actually

think that I'm into him.

- You said he was cute.

- And you vetoed it

and I respect that.

He is 100% in the friend zone.

- Okay, good.

Just make sure it

stays that way.

- I don't know about you,

but I could use a drink.

- Why don't you just get

on the train, go home,

and give up now?

Chapter three.

Desirable women never pay

for their own cocktails.

- This is the first night

that I don't smell

like french fries.

I wanna have a good

time and I wanna drink.

Who cares if I pay for it?

- Margaret does.

- Oh, we're on a

first name basis now.

- Don't mock the book.

- What are you saying?

That just by reading this book,

men are gonna drop

out of the sky

and buy us cocktails.

- Looks like you

ladies need a drink.

What are we having?

- Well, we both enjoy

sex on the beach,

but we don't know you well yet.

So martinis.

- You are very fit.

- Well, I try to run

every morning before work.

- Oh, what time do you

usually get to work?

- 6:00.

- Wow.

You are unlike anyone

I've ever dated.

Not that we're dating.

Okay, I'm gonna take this drink

and put it in my mouth

so I stop talking.

- So, tell me

something about you.

- Okay.

I am from Queens.

That is the borough

where JFK is.

- Sounds kind of familiar.

- Okay, good. You're following.

My parents are public

school teachers.

Oh, good for them.

- Yeah, it's a noble profession

or so I've been told.

- Have you ever

thought about teaching?

- No, that's not my calling.

- What's your calling?

- Event planning.

I know it sounds, by comparison,

like completely insignificant,

but I totally love it.

I mean, okay,

taking a space that's blank

or worse generic,

and turning it into

like an experience

for whatever really.

I mean, you hope that

the event is worthy,

but even if it's not,

the work is like

always changing.

It's part customer service,

part visionary, super creative.

- Wow, you are

really passionate.

- Is that not how you feel

about orthopedic surgery?

- Nope.

But it's a good job.

Yeah.

- It's nice that your parents

were so cool with you

just doing your own thing.

- I take it yours weren't?

- I mean, I never

really pushed back.

- Eliza, can I talk to you?

- Right now?

- Mm-hmm.

- I'll be right back.

- Okay.

We have to leave right now.

- What? Why?

- Chapter number one.

Always leave a guy wanting more.

And frankly, I'm drunk and horny

and I'm gonna screw

John in the parking lot

unless we go right now

and ruin everything.

- Oh, come on.

I'm having such a good time.

Are you

gonna doubt Margaret?

I would never.

Well, can I say goodbye first?

Or does Margaret think

that makes me look

desperate and undesirable?

- No, you're good.

Just make it breezy.

Okay.

- Look at you.

Wow.

- Look at you.

Hey, you work at a bar too.

- Trying to learn as much

about the hotel

business as possible.

- Cool.

- Something you should know.

Don't bother the customers.

- You're not bothering me.

That boy does not

know he's in the friend zone.

- Hey, Doug, you're a friend!

Friend zone!

I didn't think

that a guy could be

all the things that Rich is.

I mean, he's handsome, he's

successful, and so charming.

And I really can't

get over his hair.

It's so like perfectly coiffed.

God, I hope he doesn't

think that I blew him off.

- Oh, are you kidding me?

It's perfect.

That book is a

miracle of literature.

Think about it.

You and Rich and me and John.

- Mm, yeah.

Tell me about you and John.

- Well, he's just so loaded.

- Oh, okay.

Please tell me that

there are other things

that you're attracted

to about him.

- Yeah, like he's

totally hot for me.

- Of course he is.

Every guy's hot for you.

- I know, right?

Did I tell you you

could leave the bedroom?

- Something you'd like to share?

- Oh, okay.

So there's this whole

chapter in the book

about how guys won't buy the cow

when they can get

the milk for free.

And you know me, I've always-

- Dabbled in the dairy

distribution business.

- No, I just sleep with

guys I'm into way too soon.

- So you're using him?

- Yeah.

Oh, like he minds.

- Oh, wow.

Well, at least you and John

will have a romantic story

to tell your grandkids one day.

Mm-hmm.

- You know, it's so tough

being a modern woman.

I don't know if I should

feel like Cinderella

or if I should file

a stalking report.

- Well, I would've called,

but you left without

giving me your number.

And you did mention that

you were staying on Bay Lane

and hey, did you

know that Bay Lane

is like eight miles long?

I think I pissed off a

lot of your neighbors.

Wanna go for a ride?

- I think this car cost

more than my parent's house.

- It was either

this or my Ferrari.

But I didn't want you to

think I was trying too hard.

I actually wanted a Prius,

but my dad talked me into this.

- Mm.

I hate to say this,

but I think your dad was right.

I mean, you recycle, right?

- Religiously.

- Yeah, so you offset it.

- So if you're not turned

off too much by the Bentley,

do you want a ride to

the Movers and Shaker's

event next weekend?

- Are you asking-

- Yes, I'm asking you out.

- Okay, next question.

Who's moving and who's shaking?

- It's a big annual fundraiser.

- Oh, that's cool.

What's the cause?

- No idea.

But it's always for

a really good cause.

- Oh my God.

This reminds me of that

scene in "Pretty in Pink"

when Andrew McCarthy asks-

- "Pretty in Pink?"

- The movie.

You've never seen it?

- Should I?

- I mean, yes.

But it's one of those things

that you probably should have

watched when you were younger

'cause if you watched it now,

you'd probably be like, huh,

and that wouldn't

be good for us.

So, I don't know.

Maybe my answer is no.

- No, don't watch the movie

or no to being my date?

- Oh, hell yeah to

being your date.

- Good.

- So?

- Oh my God, oh

my God, oh my God.

- Tell me! Tell me!

- Okay, he invited me to move

and or shake with him next week.

- Oh, my god.

Movers and shakers.

- Yeah, that, yeah.

- John called me

while you were gone

and he asked me to go with him.

What did I tell you?

Never doubt Margaret.

- Never.

- Always leave

them wanting more.

- Always!

- Can you see it?

Eliza Hawthorne.

- Oh God, you're so ridiculous.

- You've gotta start

planning your wedding now.

Visualization was a big part

of Margaret's philosophy.

- Oh, I'm visualizing.

I'm just not

changing my last name

to suit a 1950s manual.

- 1967, bitch.

- Yeah, I'm still a feminist.

But what was that

part in chapter four

about always

letting the man pay?

- Oh, if you want to pay,

you know, just for funsies,

you have to give

the man the cash

so he can pay the bill.

- Okay, that makes total sense.

I know, so smart.

- Hey.

- Sorry, I forgot something.

♪ I wanna hold on

to this forever ♪

See you next weekend.

- Okay, bye.

♪ Don't stop

- What are we doing here?

This place is way

out of our league.

- We can't exactly wear

our Salty's uniforms

to the biggest

event of the season.

- Okay, you're right.

You're right, you're

right, you're right.

What about this?

- Hate It.

- Okay, me too.

No.

Trash.

Oh, a little bit.

Huh?

- Love it.

- Right?

- Love it.

- Okay, where's a mirror?

- Over there.

- Okay, oh my gosh, okay.

Hello, gorgeous.

Mm.

Oh, goodbye, gorgeous.

Have you seen how many zeros

are on these price tags?

Yeah, like, we should go.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

We charge the dresses,

keep the price tags on,

and then return

them the next day.

- Isn't that stealing?

- No.

Think of it as borrowing

with the intent to return.

- Wow.

Margaret really did

think of everything.

- Actually, I came

up with that one.

- Oh, Sofia.

- I know. Thank you.

You're great.

- I'm so smart.

- Okay.

- Let's take another

look, gorgeous.

- Okay, I mean.

- I really like

the green for you.

It brings out your eyes.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

- Killing it, Trace.

Ah, the party.

Right, I'm working.

- Oh my God, everyone's

looking at us.

It's like we're the

bells of the ball.

- It really does feel

like a fairytale.

- Come on, let's dance.

- You know, as important as my

modeling career means to me,

I think being a stay-at-home

mom is even more important.

So I'd totally

give up my career,

as hard as it would be.

And, you know, it's a

lot of work to keep up

with a 4,000 square foot

plus farmhouse style home

in Connecticut on a

minimum of two acres

while chasing after 3.5

kids and a Carlton doodle.

How about you?

- I'm not really a dog person.

- Oh, I was just kidding

about the doodle.

- I'm not sure if

I want kids either.

- Oh, I know.

They can be such

attention sucks.

- No, I like kids.

I just think the

planet's overcrowded.

- I was thinking the same thing.

It's like we have one mind.

- Can I get you another drink?

- Oh, I don't wanna

get too drunk.

I'm worried I might make a move.

- Oh, no.

Don't do that.

What do you say after the party,

we go back to my place?

- I, um.

I, um.

I mean, okay, look.

I really like you,

and I would love

to like, you know.

It's just, I don't

think that I'm ready

for like, you know.

But it's not that I've,

like, never you knowed

or it's not like I've

you knowed a ton either.

I guess it depends on

how you define, you know.

- Are we talking about sex?

- Yeah, that's, yeah, that's

the word I'm looking for.

- I just wanna spend

more time with you.

My parent's house

has eight bedrooms,

and you can pick

any one you want.

And if you happen

to end up in mine,

I won't kick you out.

- Oh, you're so kind.

- Oh, dear.

You forgot to take

off the price tag.

- Uh, um.

I really have to, um...

I'm gonna be right back.

I just have to...

Sorry.

Sorry, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

No!

No.

It's not stealing.

It's borrowing with

intent to return.

Are you freaking kidding me?

Whoa.

- Doug?

- Are we doing the

garbage grabbing scene

from "Back to the Future?"

- This isn't an

'80s movie moment.

Oh, god.

This is an '80s movie moment.

And I'm the leading lady

who let her world get

turned upside down

because she's pretending to

be something that she's not.

- Okay, well,

why don't we get

this leading lady

out of the dumpster, huh?

Because it looks

pretty uncomfortable.

- It's really gross in here.

- Yeah, it looks pretty gross.

Come on.

Careful.

Watch your step.

Oh, what is that?

Okay, let's get out quick.

Hold your breath.

Yeah, I don't remember Doc

Brown being in his boxers.

- It's laundry day.

- So why exactly were

you in the dumpster?

- Because I let my friend Sofia

convince me to buy a dress

that costs more than my rent.

And now the tag is

somewhere in this dumpster

and I can't find it

and now I can't return the dress

and they're probably gonna

send me to debtor's prison.

And I know that those

don't exist anymore,

but they'll probably build

a new one just for me,

because I'm a total idiot.

- You could Poshmark it.

- I'm gonna Poshmark you

if you don't stop

trying to silver line

an unsilver lineable situation.

- Would you relax?

As soon as Rich proposes,

you'll tell him the story

and have a big laugh,

and then he'll

pay for the dress.

I mean, hell, if

you asked him to,

I'm sure he'd buy you

the entire dress store.

- There's no way.

Not after I ghosted

him last night

and didn't say goodbye to

him on the first night.

- Margaret says-

- No, Sofia,

at some point you're just rude.

And it's so tragic because

I really, really like him

and I really, really like

how it felt last night

getting all dressed

up, you know,

with all those fancy people,

doing all those amazing things,

and having this gorgeous

guy flirting with me.

But leave it to me to

end up dumpster diving.

Like there's a reason

I end up with

losers my whole life

is because I am one.

You're not a-

Oh.

Eliza, this is a loser.

- Sofia.

Rude.

- Nice to see you too.

- Sorry about her.

You're not a loser.

I mean, I don't think.

Maybe you are, I don't know.

- I'm not.

- What are you doing here?

- Well I thought

you might want this.

- Oh my God. Oh my God!

You found it.

- Happy to help.

- Guess this is a bad time.

- Oh, Rich, no.

He was...

- I should go.

- Okay.

But Doug, you actually

saved my life this time.

Thank you.

- These are for you.

- Oh, thank you.

- I got them because

I was worried

maybe that I was pressuring you

to come over to my

place after the party

and that's why you bailed

but I guess it was to

hook up with that guy, so.

- Doug?

No, he's just a friend.

Really.

I didn't blow you off.

I mean, well, I did,

but I didn't mean to.

It's a, it's a really long story

and it doesn't,

it's doesn't matter

because these are the

most beautiful flowers

I've ever seen in my life.

- Okay, I just, I feel like I'm

getting some mixed messages.

So, just that we're clear,

are you into me?

- I am so, so into you.

And I've just been

getting some advice lately

that I actually think

is really bad advice

and so I think we

should just probably

get naked instead right now.

- Okay.

- All right.

- Okay, we can do that.

- Okay.

- Sorry, I just got

this thing with my hair.

- Oh, your hair.

No, I get it.

It's so perfectly coiffed.

I don't, are you okay?

- I'm good.

Come here.

- Oh!

- Alrighty, so where do we-

- Oh, upstairs, yeah.

Are you sure you're good

to carry me the whole way?

- Yeah.

You're

taking off already?

- Yeah.

But I can't wait to

see you next weekend.

- I can't wait to see you.

- What do you say Saturday

you, me, all day, all

night on the yacht?

- I'd say that sounds

entirely all amazing.

- Bye.

- I swear to God, if you

take one more picture of me,

I'm gonna shove the

camera up your ass.

- Promise?

- Gross.

Why hasn't John made a move yet?

- Can we not talk

about John right now?

- Okay, I guess.

But just so you know,

I am always thinking about him.

- Oh, really?

Always?

- Mm-hmm.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, let's see

if we can fix that.

- Some condom...

Oh my God!

Um,.

So, tonight, 9:00?

- I'm sorry, are

you talking to me?

- Okay.

- Sofia.

- It's fine.

He likes it when I'm mean.

Besides, he's serving a purpose.

If it weren't for Ryan,

I'd never hold out for John.

Things are just

so hot between us.

- Wait, what?

He made a move?

- Yeah, like so, so many.

Except unlike some people,

I'm staying strong

and following Margaret's advice.

At least, you know, until

he asks me to marry him.

- Well, I'm glad that I

didn't wait with Rich.

Although, to be honest,

the sex was a little

underwhelming.

- Shut your mouth.

- I'm not saying

that it wasn't good.

I'm saying that it

wasn't, you know, magic.

- Magic doesn't exist.

You know what does?

A townhouse on East 74th.

- I know. I know.

But if that part doesn't work.

- Hmm, get yourself a Ryan.

- Or a Doug.

Who, funny enough-

- Salty, the hair

cream is doing wonders.

Hi.

- Hi.

Whatever you want,

it's on the house.

- Ah, that's okay.

- Oh, it is the least I can do

after you saved

my credit rating.

- Well, if you really

wanna make it up to me,

are you busy tonight?

- She's busy.

Ah, very busy.

- Ah.

Because they're showing

"The Breakfast Club"

at the Revival House

in West Hampton.

- Oh my God.

I've never seen it

on the big screen.

- Then you haven't

really seen it.

Wanna meet there?

- Oh, no.

That's not gonna work.

I don't have a car.

One, because I can't afford one

and, two, because this

city girl can't drive, so.

- Then I guess we'll have

to do something about that.

- Okay.

- All right, hands

up, cover, cover.

- Okay.

- Okay, here we go.

- I'm nervous.

What's happening?

What are you doing?

- It's a surprise.

Just go with it.

- I don't know.

I don't know.

- Just go with it.

- Okay, okay.

- And stop, stop, stop.

Open.

Huh?

- Whose car is this?

- No idea.

But...

- You're stealing a car?

- Well, now, technically

you're stealing a car.

- Absolutely no, I am not.

- Oh, yes you are.

- I don't drive, remember?

- Of course I do.

That's why I'm gonna teach you.

Go.

- Oh no.

♪ Call me Chris Columbus

♪ Riding the ocean blue

♪ I'm leaving home looking

for something new ♪

♪ It's never been done before

♪ Leaving my familiar

shores in search for me ♪

♪ In my F150

♪ Call me Ford Explorer

♪ Got the rims painted black

♪ I'm not paid, but

I can pull off that ♪

♪ And now I'm trying to

get the house to match ♪

♪ Long nights in Vegas

♪ When you party

like you're famous ♪

♪ In God's hand

♪ That's paradise

♪ When anytime we'll do

the birds and the bees ♪

♪ That's what it

feels like inside ♪

♪ It's paradise

♪ When you're

living your dream ♪

♪ Making money that's so green

- Okay.

- Hold on, Dougie.

♪ It's paradise

- You really got the

need for speed, I think.

- I think I'm ready for NASCAR.

- One step at a time, Eliza.

It's pretty

incredible, isn't it?

- Yeah.

It's beautiful.

Wait, what do you

think you're doing?

- What do you think I'm doing?

- No, we're just friends.

- Why?

Why can't we try

something, Eliza?

- Because I'm with Rich.

- What is so great about Rich?

- Um, basically everything.

- Oh, come on.

- What?

He's smart, generous, chiseled.

- Oh, which we both

know is your thing.

- And he's also-

- Oh, he's got boat

loads of money.

Yeah, I know.

- Whoa, that's not

what I was gonna say.

- You're telling me if Rich

had nothing to his name,

you'd still be into him?

- Of course I would.

Who do, who do you

think that I am?

- Look, Eliza.

No.

- Eliza wait.

- Here you are.

Watch out, it's sandy out there.

- How perfect is this?

A gorgeous, sunny afternoon

and we coincidentally

have the day off.

- Hey, you better hope

Salty doesn't find out

that you are the one

who filed the complaint

with the health inspector.

- So what?

You two aren't even

friends anymore?

- No, we're not.

He accused me of

being a gold digger.

- What an ass.

- Yeah.

- So you do know if

you don't hit it off

with Rich's parents

at this dinner,

then there's no

gold for you, right?

- It's not about the gold.

- It's a little

bit about the gold.

And that's all right.

I mean, think about all of

the Dougs over the years

that you've given everything to.

You just-

- I know, I know.

God, I hope his parents like me.

- Good thing chapter seven

is entirely devoted to

meeting the parents.

- Lay it on me.

- Okay.

So you know the way you are.

Don't be that way.

You should have

very few opinions.

Don't talk about

politics, religion,

or anything if you can avoid it.

- So just sit there

and act like a mute?

- No, don't be silly.

You should look

at Rich adoringly.

Say adoring things about Rich.

And remember,

it's much more important

to be interested

than interesting.

- Hey, Dad.

- Eliza, get your

head in the game.

- I am, it is.

It's just...

Did I tell you that

Doug kissed me?

- What?

- Okay, calm down.

You literally tickle

Ryan's undercarriage

with a peacock

feather every night.

- How do you know

about the feather?

- I live in a loft.

There's very little insulation.

And the point is,

it was good.

- No, no it wasn't.

That is the fear talking

because things are

going so well with Rich

and you are literally

about to have

the life of my dreams.

- Okay, aren't you working

at the life of your dreams?

- Yes.

But things are moving

a little slower

with John than I'd prefer.

We'll catch up.

I'm just so happy for you.

- Uh-huh.

- And she loves '80s

movies as much as I do,

although she's given me

a brutal, brutal

education on the message.

And why

isn't she your girlfriend?

- Because she's

into somebody else.

Doug, you listen to me.

If she's really in

love with someone else,

you shouldn't compete with him.

That's just bad manners.

But if you think

that's the girl for you

and you don't fight for her,

well that you'll regret forever.

- So how was your week at work?

Anything interesting happen?

- Do you know about the Nasdaq?

- Of course.

I have one of their handbags.

You know what I love about us?

The fact we don't

even need to talk

shows just how comfortable

we are with one another.

- Why you would choose to

work at a private hospital

when you could work at a

major university is just-

- Paul, enough.

He doesn't care

about the accolades.

- Or the grants or the labs.

- I'm good with just focusing

on my little practice, honestly.

You guys shot for the stars

and you know I respect

that about you,

but it's not like I

did anything crazy.

I didn't become a public

school teacher or something.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Eliza's parents

are both teachers.

- Oh, how sweet.

- What do you think, Eliza?

Is Rich selling himself short?

- Oh, I think that

Rich is perfect

just the way that he is.

I'm just gonna run to the

lady's room real quick.

Excuse me.

Whoever heard of a bathroom

that doesn't have a window

you can crawl out of?

What kind of dump is this?

- Would you relax?

His parents probably love you.

Just keep smiling and let

them do all the talking.

- Looks like you remembered

to take off all your

price tags tonight.

- Yeah, I did.

And tonight's already

been a total disaster.

So, if you could just not

pull anything else off of me,

that'd be great.

- Meeting the parents

for the first time, huh?

Just be yourself, dear.

They're either gonna

like you or not like you,

but if they don't like you,

better they don't like

you because you're you.

- Thank you for that totally

unsolicited piece of advice

but we already have

all the wisdom we need.

- Oh dear God.

Do people still read 'A

Guide to Marrying Rich?"

So much for the second

wave of feminism.

- That's what I'm sayin'.

Look, my parents love teaching

and all they ever

encouraged me to do

was to find something

that I loved enough

that I could do it for free

and then try to make

a living doing that.

And sure,

I could have pursued

a lot more things

that would've earned

me a lot more money.

But at the end of the day,

I chose event planning

because it's what I

really wanted to do.

And then I did

unpaid internships

and paid internships

and I worked myself to the bone.

- Well, with that much drive,

I'll bet you're

very good at it too.

- I'm great at it, honestly.

But it's because

I love doing it.

And I think you have

to spend your life

doing what you love.

- I couldn't agree more.

- So, if Rich wants to

work at a county clinic,

I think that he needs to

do what makes him happy.

- Well, disagree on the

county clinic thing,

but of course we want

Rich to be happy.

- You know, I like your spunk.

We could use a little bit

more of it around here.

So, here is to

seeing more of you.

- I hope you're okay with

staying here tonight.

I felt weird about

staying at your house

with your parents there.

I didn't want them

to think I was-

- First of all, my parents

know that I have sex.

- Oh, weird.

- Isn't that crazy?

But more important,

you made such a good impression

you couldn't get

them to dislike you

even if you tried.

- I don't know.

I'm pretty good at

turning people off.

- All I know is you're

very good at turning me on.

- Oh.

Oh, sorry.

Your hair?

- No, it's all good.

- Oh, okay.

They really did like me?

- No, they loved you.

And I don't blame them

because I do too.

- Wait, you-

- Yeah.

I love you.

- I love you too.

- Son of a bad dog.

- What are you doing here?

- Well, I thought about it

and I felt really bad

about what happened

the other night.

So I came here to

tell you I was sorry

but then I thought if

I opened my mouth again

I might say the wrong

thing or, you know.

I figured it was

safer all taped up.

But you gotta admit,

the Duct tape,

that was really cute.

I mean, who does that?

Come on.

There it is.

Look, Eliza, I really am sorry.

I had no right to

say those things.

I never should have kissed you.

It was a real Bender move.

Look, if you and Rich are happy-

- We're in love, actually.

- Totally cool with that.

I just, you know,

I want my friend back.

- I do too.

- So, we good?

- We're good.

- So, now that we

are friends again,

I have something to do tomorrow

and I could use a friend's help.

- Okay, wow.

So first you make me steal a car

and now we're stealing a boat.

What's next, Dougie?

A Learjet?

- One of the members

of the beach club

is in Europe for a few weeks.

So he hired me to keep

his boat in tip top shape.

That means we're gonna

give it a workout

by sailing it to

his house in Montauk

and turning around.

- How do you know how

to do all of this?

- Oh.

I was a pirate.

- Oh.

- Well, more like a stow

away on a pirate ship.

- Arg.

- I worked in a marina on

the summers off from college.

- Okay, got it.

Is it not the most

beautiful day?

- Yeah.

It's gonna be good.

one sec,

one sec, I got it.

Okay, here we go.

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

I'm so sorry

that it's so crazy.

- No, I can't believe

that you knew what to do.

Thank God.

I can't believe we made it.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

Let's get some lights on.

God, it's freezing in here.

Let's get you warm.

You okay?

- Yeah.

- That's better.

- Yeah.

- Here.

- I can think of worse places

to wait out a storm.

- Whoo.

Maybe I should find

us some warm clothes.

I hope

'Cause there's a chance

I could get it again

and I'd love to take

you to Block Island.

Oh, you'd love it.

What?

- Um, nothing.

I'm just feeling

kind of nauseous.

- The waters were

a little choppy.

Probably just seasick.

- Yeah, seasick.

Or I'm feeling incredibly guilty

and horrible about Rich.

- Right.

Right, right, Rich.

Well, you'll feel better

as soon as you tell him.

Let him down easy.

- Wait, I don't know if

that's what I wanna...

Honestly, I don't

know how I feel.

- You seemed to know exactly

how you felt last night.

- Yes.

Obviously I like you, okay.

And last night was...

- What?

But there was a storm

and a fire and a

house in Montauk.

So I don't know what

we were supposed to do.

- Okay, come on.

Eliza, we're both adults here.

- I know.

And I have to take

responsibility

for my own actions, okay.

I already learned this lesson.

It's just I really

care about him.

- And me?

- I really care about you too.

- And this has nothing to

do with his Bentley or-

- No.

And if it did, this

would be a lot easier.

He's a great guy and he's kind

and he genuinely

cares about people

and he loves me

and I can't just blow him off,

because I love him too.

- Seriously?

- Maybe.

I don't know. I don't know.

- Well, when you do know,

do me a favor,

let me know, okay?

- I'm telling you, the

sex was otherworldly.

- Of course it was. He's broke.

He's gotta bring

something to the table.

- Is that a thing?

Are rich guys bad in bed?

- Well, they don't

have to be good.

- I dunno what to do.

- Sex has just

clouded your brain.

Everything's misfiring.

Don't do anything stupid.

It was just huge mistake.

- Why is it a mistake for me

but it's okay for you

to sleep with Ryan?

- Well, because Ryan's

just a piece of meat

that I don't give

two craps about.

- Ouch.

- I'm kidding, kind of.

What's that?

- It's a...

- That's like the worst

picture of me ever.

- I don't think so.

I think it's,

I think it's perfect.

But I guess that explains that.

- What?

- The girl I thought you were

versus the girl

you actually are.

- Let's just talk this

out by the fridge.

- Screw you.

- Yeah, that's exactly the idea.

- Not anymore it's not.

- Thanks a lot.

- How is this my fault?

- Well, it's not my fault.

- See, that's what I can't do.

I can't pretend that

everything is not my fault.

I did this.

I have to own it.

I have to tell Rich the truth.

- Has the book

taught you nothing?

What place does the truth

have in a relationship?

- I agree with Eliza.

- Of course you do.

Look, if you tell

Rich what happened,

he'll break up with you.

And I have put too much

effort into your relationship

for it to fall apart now.

Plus the book says

that it's perfectly

okay for a woman

to have a few secrets

about her past.

- Don't tell my chef I was here,

but sometimes you just

need a great cheeseburger.

Apologizing for eavesdropping,

but when I wrote "Secrets

About Your Past,"

I didn't mean secrets

about your present.

- You're Margaret Dumont?

- Unfortunately, I am.

- You wrote "A Guide

to Marrying Rich."

- I did, but it was

a long time ago.

And to be candid,

I didn't know what

I was talking about.

Nothing in that book

is sound advice

even 50 years ago.

Except for the part about

always wearing a hat.

Who knew the havoc sun

damage would cause?

- You're wrong.

We both followed your rules

and now we both

have rich boyfriends

who are very handsome and

we've never been happier.

- Oh, speak for yourself.

My life is a mess.

- Trust me.

I played by the

rules in the book

and I was never truly happy,

never truly in love.

- Let me get that for you.

- I missed you a lot this week.

I couldn't stop

thinking about you.

- Actually, I have something

that I wanted to

talk to you about.

It's kind of important.

- Hold on one second.

Here they are.

- Hi.

Hi.

Wow, it's such a surprise.

- Oh yeah, my

parents are in town

and they're joining

us for brunch.

- Okay.

- It's my fault.

I insisted in horning

in because, well,

I wanted to ask

you a little favor.

- Oh, what could I possibly do?

- Well, it's our 30th

anniversary in a few weeks

and we just decided

to hold a big bash

for all our Hamptons friends.

- Wow.

- What she means is

she's been talking

about this for months

and I finally agreed to it.

- Okay.

- Eliza, I would love it

if you would help me out.

- Oh, wow.

And I'm not

taking no for an answer.

- Oh my.

I...

So as they are set up,

how do you feel

about the numbers?

- Well, it's good, but really,

I'm just concerned that the

guest list is gonna grow

because it always does.

And then we won't have

room for the dance floor

or the bandstand and-

- Unless we do 12 tops

instead of 10 tops.

- That could get a little tight.

- Right, but not necessarily.

I'm thinking a Moroccan theme.

So a night in Casablanca.

So we'll do shared platters

and tajines on the tables

so we don't have to

worry about serving

and the whole thing will feel

just a lot more

cozy and intimate.

And then to offset the

white of the hotel,

long sheer colorful drapes.

- And what about large

colored candles on the tables?

- Absolutely.

And Persian rugs

line the floors.

- I love this idea.

Eliza, you are just fabulous.

- Oh, thank you.

Okay, so the bandstand, yes.

We'll build it up

towards the back.

- You know, we really

miss you at Salty's.

It's just not the

same without you.

- Okay.

- No, really.

The new chef smells like feet.

I'd never sleep with him.

- Seriously?

This is your way of trying

to get me back into bed?

- Is it working?

- No.

- Fine.

Do you know why Ryan

is being such a tool?

- Maybe because

he's a human being

with actual feelings.

- I don't think that's it.

He better not be

screwing someone else.

- Hello, sir.

The blue looks great on you.

- You gotta stop looking

at him like that.

- Like what?

- Like you care.

You need to sweep that

mess under the rug

where no will ever find it

or I promise you it will

bite you in the ass.

- I'm not gonna

say anything, okay?

- No, it's not you I'm

worried about anymore.

It's him.

He's probably gonna

show up to your wedding,

singing some stupid Air Supply

song at the top of his lungs.

- Okay, so what am

I supposed to do?

- Just go over there

and be a bitch.

If you have any

problem with that,

pretend you're me.

- Okay, okay.

Be a bitch, be a bitch.

Okay.

Hey.

I don't know how

else to say this,

but whatever this is, it's over.

- Because you're with him?

- Yeah, I am.

- So you don't feel

anything for me?

- Not like that.

- I don't believe you.

- Well, you don't get to tell me

what I want or how I feel.

So, I don't want you.

So, goodbye.

- Bye, Eliza.

- You're doing a great job.

Okay, all right.

- Hey, bus boy.

I need a word with you.

Come with me.

- Oh.

Oh, my God, Eliza.

I don't believe it.

I knew you'd be good,

but you are so much

better than good.

- Well, thank you for letting me

play with an unlimited budget

in one weeks time.

- Well, I just-

- Unlimited.

- Honey, you haven't

had your martini yet.

Let's go get that.

Oh, and Eliza, the owner

of the hotel, David Zane,

flew in for the event.

- You're kidding.

- No. I'll introduce you later.

He's gonna love

what you've done.

- That would be amazing.

- Rich, honey,

don't let that girl get away.

- I won't.

- Oh.

- Sofia, I'm so happy my

nephew's finally met a girl.

- Thanks, Becky.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Aunt Becky.

That's right.

- I hope I'll be

seeing more of you.

- Oh, thank you

so much for that.

She totally bought it.

- Bought?

- Us, like being a thing.

- We are a thing, aren't we?

- I mean, well technically I'm

gay.

- Gay.

Yeah, I know.

Nobody turns this down.

- That cook certainly doesn't.

You're head over heels for him.

- I am not.

- Me thinks the lady

doth protest too much.

- Don't quote Yoda at

me at a time like this.

John, mm, I love you.

- Sofia, please.

- I'm at least in love

with the idea of you

and I think that

is the foundation

for a long-lasting marriage.

- You don't seriously want

us to be together, do you?

- Why not?

I mean, maybe you

didn't get the memo,

but basically everyone's pan now

and no one cares

who you sleep with,

especially not me so

long as you marry me

and make me very, very rich.

- My Aunt Becky cares,

which is the only reason I care.

She's in charge of

my trust fund, so.

- So what are you saying?

- Look, we're both benefiting

from this arrangement.

You're a fantastic

dance partner.

- So are you.

- And if we could

grab dinner, say,

once every quarter

with Aunt Becky.

- I want you to buy me

something very expensive.

- How about a boat?

- Make it a yacht

and we're good.

- I really need to talk to you.

- Wanna get us tipsy?

- You know I do.

- I really need to talk to you.

So, this whole time I've

been getting speared.

- I kind of saw that coming.

- And also I think

I'm in love with Ryan.

Of course

you're in love with Ryan.

He's perfect for you.

He adores you more than

you adore yourself.

And what more could

you really ask for?

- I've gotta go find him.

How do I look?

- Yeah, like a million bucks.

- Which I'll never have.

- Yeah, but I think I will.

So, you know, what's

mine is yours.

- Wait, is this what you

wanna talk to me about?

- Yeah.

So this is a thing.

Rich's mom told him

to never let me go

and then he held onto me

with some sort of vice grip

and said that he

won't and so, Sofia-

- Oh my god.

- Yeah, I think

this is happening.

- And it's what you want?

- Of course it is.

- So you definitely

don't love Doug.

- What?

Why are you asking me that?

This whole time you've been-

- I know, I know.

I'm sorry.

It's just, I was, wrong.

The book was wrong.

Margaret's said it herself.

- Okay, but just

because you're ready

to run off with Ryan...

Okay, Rich is amazing

and I could see our

whole future together.

It's one where I get everything,

like the career and

the townhouse and-

- The guy.

Rich is the guy you want.

- Yes.

- Then I'm so happy for you.

I'm a little bit jelly,

but I'm mostly happy.

- Eliza, I think Rich

wants to show you

something on the lawn.

Okay.

This is it, okay.

I think I, I just gotta

go to the bathroom.

I just gotta go pee

like really quick.

But, um, I can be right there.

I'll be right back.

The moment is now.

Rich, I didn't expect this.

Oh my God.

Oh my.

I do.

Yes.

- Trying to convince

yourself you wanna say yes?

- Margaret?

Wait, no, I, I just,

I just want the

moment to be perfect.

- Oh, what a crock.

Where's the sex

appeal in perfect?

Sweetheart, I've given a lot

of bad advice in my time.

But what I'm about to tell you,

you can take to the bank.

You can't marry

someone you don't love.

- I do love him.

- If you say so.

But I'll tell you what,

I've been there done

that six times over.

All I'm saying is make sure

you've got that

magic going for you.

- What we have,

Eliza, it's magic.

I love you

and I want to keep

loving you forever

if you'll let me.

So, Eliza.

- Okay.

- Will you marry-

- Sorry, would you stop?

Okay, just, sorry.

Would you,

would you just come

up, come up here?

Yeah, sorry.

Rich, you are such

an amazing guy.

- But.

- But I don't think that

what we have is magic.

But that's not to say

that I don't think that

magic doesn't exist

because I think that it does.

It's just that what

it takes to make magic

is messy and sweaty,

and dirty, and sticky.

And you are just like so clean.

- So what you're saying

is I'm too perfect?

- Kind of, yeah.

I mean, you are so nice

and generous and handsome

and what you do like,

this is so impressive.

And I'm embarrassed to say this,

but I feel like I just got like

swept up in the fantasy of...

Shit.

I think I need to sit down.

Nope.

Okay, I'm good. Yeah.

I've just,

I've been where you are a lot.

It sucks to think that

the person that you love

might be using you.

- So, what?

You were just here

for the fancy dinners

and the once in a season event

that you got to plan

and now that you've got

everything that you wanted,

you're out?

- That is one really

horrible interpretation

of what happened.

It's awful.

And I'm sorry that

that's even on the table.

You probably won't believe this,

but I really did love

spending time with you,

like a lot.

It's just that I feel like

I don't even know you.

- Because we haven't spent

that much time together.

- But I feel like you don't

really know you either,

apart from who your

parents want you to be.

And I know that you

don't wanna take advice

from a girl who's-

- Breaking your heart.

- But please just go out there

and find that thing

that makes you happy.

Like really happy,

like what you geek out for,

and just go chase

the hell out of that.

- Okay, well,

I'm gonna see about

returning a ring.

- Hey.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Haven't you ever

heard of consent?

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, no, totally.

No, yeah.

It's just, well, I was,

I was talking to John and...

No, it, it's not

about, it's, it's...

This picture.

It's, it's not the

worst picture of me.

It's, it's just,

this picture is me.

I'm not who you think I am.

I'm not a big

fancy famous model.

I'm a girl from Nebraska

who's terrified of ending

up back where she started.

I left saying I was gonna

make something of myself

and look at me.

I've nothing.

- Hey.

That's not true.

Come on.

You were, you're a big deal.

- I'm really not.

I'm not.

- Not sure about that.

- I live with like

seven other models.

It's gross.

It's just not cute.

It's...

This is from my JC Penney shoot.

Why do you have this?

- My mom orders the catalogs

and she goes through them

to tell me what to

get her for Christmas

and then I go through

them for material.

- Mm-hmm.

- It's for my mood boards, okay.

Anyways, I'm back

home for the holidays

a few years ago

and there you were.

I thought, "Man, this is

the most beautiful girl

I've ever seen."

And then I met you.

It's crazy.

And I got to meet her.

I thought, "That's the girl

that I wanna spend the

rest of my life with."

- I'm sorry I was so mean.

- You're sorry

and do you wanna be with me?

- Yeah, I do.

Oh, we also have a yacht.

- What?

- Yeah.

- Since when?

- Like five minutes ago.

Okay.

- Aw, you guys.

Has anyone seen Doug?

Okay.

Oh.

- Wait a minute,

you're Eliza, right?

- Uh, yeah.

- David Zane.

- Oh, you're the guy

who owns the hotel.

- That would be me, yes.

Really excellent

work you did here.

I've never seen this

place look better.

- Thanks.

- You know, I'm always looking

for a talented event manager

if you'd be interested.

- You know what?

No.

- Eliza.

In this case, and in this

case only, no means yes.

- No, it doesn't.

No means no.

I would never work

for you, Mr. Zane.

Because I've seen the way

that you talked to one of

your employees earlier.

Yeah, you called him bus boy.

But that's not his name.

His name is Doug.

And he is more

than just his job.

You know, everyone here is.

And you know what?

It's people like you

that make people like us

feel like we have to act a fool

just to get a little

piece of what you've got.

But what you've

got, it ain't a lot

because what you've

got makes people forget

the most important thing,

which is how we treat people.

So I'm gonna find Doug

and I'm gonna tell

him that I love him.

And.

And I'm taking this with me.

- Is that a boom-box?

- Okay, plot twist.

The woman is the creepy stalker.

- The woman is the one

who needs to apologize.

But if this crosses a boundary,

then I will totally turn it off.

- What is that music?

- It's not Peter Gabriel.

But let's just pretend

it's a powerful love song.

- Is this the moment

for a love song?

- God, I hope so.

- I'll just put this down.

It's over with Rich.

- Good.

I didn't think you guys

were good for each other.

- We weren't.

You need to know

that I've been burned

and meeting you,

I got scared because I thought,

"Well, here I go again,

I know how this ends."

But the thing is,

even if you take me for

everything that I have,

which is almost nothing,

so it would be a really

dumb scam if you did,

but even if you let

me take care of you

while you're becoming

whatever wonderful thing

that you're gonna become,

and then you leave

me brokenhearted,

I'm gonna be upset.

But it will all

have been worth it

because every cell in

my being is telling me

that I have to be with you

because when I'm

with you, I'm me.

I love you, Dougie.

And if you can forgive me,

I don't know what that means,

or like where we go from here-

- It doesn't matter.

I wanna go there with you.

- Does that mean?

- You know I'm crazy about you.

- So, you know what's sad?

I could have provided us

with a nice little life

right here in the Hamptons.

The douche that runs this hotel,

he offered me a job

and I told him off.

- What?

You told him off?

- Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it was kind

of epic, honestly.

But I, but I was doing

it to defend you.

- Huh.

So, do you want that job?

- Oh, are you kidding?

It was a dream job, but.

- Okay, then it's yours.

I don't think my

dad will fault you

for telling him off

in defense of his son.

- Wait, what?

- My name's Doug Zane

and in two weeks I start as

vice president of operations

for Zane Hotels.

- Are you, are you kidding me?

- I made my dad promise

not to blow my cover.

I just wanted to

spend the summer

learning as much as I could

and I knew that there was no way

I could get the real deal

if everyone knew who I was, so.

- So you're telling me you're-

- Loaded. Yeah.

Don't hate me.

- I mean, I don't know.

You did lie to me.

So it may take me some time

to get over this and...

Okay, I'm over it.

I'm over it.

- Hey, dummy.

What do you think you're doing?

You're on the clock.

I hope you don't think

you're gonna be working

here next summer.

- No, I hope you don't think

you're gonna be working

here next summer.

- Excuse me?

- He kind of owns the place.

Yeah, just found out myself.

Doug Zing, Ya.

- See ya, Eric.

Would you like to partake

in this rhythmic

ceremonial ritual?

- Ah, do fish under

the sea dance?

- We are by the ocean.

It's sand!

I'll try.

Why Can't My Life Be a Rom Com? (2023) - full transcript