Why (1973) - full transcript

- What did you
say your name was?

- Christine, what's yours?
- Dale.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'm Bill, welcome to, ah-
- Our group.

- I'm Bud.
- I'm Jennifer.

- Jennifer hi, then-
- Glen.

He doesn't talk to much.
- You know the Doc?

- Yeah I, I met him last night.

- You had to be screened by him

before you got in, didn't you?

- Mm-hmm, oh I
went to, you know,



some of the sessions,
you know, private things.

♪ Sometimes you need
a place to hide ♪

♪ 'Cause the
mountain's too high ♪

♪ And the river's too wide

♪ You can't stand the
hurt for another day ♪

♪ Nothing to do but run away

♪ So many lonely people

♪ Forever wondering why

♪ So many lonely people

♪ Forever wondering why

♪ When can you find
that something new ♪

♪ Is there a love
that makes for you ♪

♪ No one that cares,
the price to pay ♪

♪ What can you do,
you lost your way ♪



♪ Why, why, why, why, why, why

♪ So many lonely people

♪ Forever wondering
why, why, why ♪

♪ Why, why

(unsettling
psychedelic rock music)

♪ Where can you go
that you ain't been ♪

♪ So easy to lose but
you never can win ♪

♪ Always the work
but never the play ♪

♪ What can you do,
just go your way ♪

♪ So listen lonely people

♪ Forever wondering why

♪ So many lonely people

♪ Forever wondering
why, why, why ♪

♪ Why, why

♪ Forever wondering why

♪ Forever wondering why

♪ Forever wondering why

- So what do you
say we get started?

- I can go for that.
- Mm-hmm.

- You you look like
you're losing weight.

- Oh, thank you.

- You get one more season.

716, I'm tired of saying it.

- 716 what, bitches?

- Oh, (laughing)
oh you know this-

- You need to bring
some fire with you.

- Um, focus on a
recent experience

when you really got
pissed off at somebody.

Now get that image
clear in your head

and think, what did
you do about it?

Now when you tell a
group, I'd like you to try

as much as possible to
recapture some of the feelings

that you had at the
time it was happening.

Bill, could we start with you?

- Well, what is
it that you want?

The, the circumstances of it?

- Yes, but especially
the feelings you had

at the time it was happening,
and what you did about it.

I'll give you a little
more time, okay.?

Chris, how about you?

- Um, my father,

he got me a job in Covina.

I don't have a car.

My mother won't drive me,
so I went to my father.

Is this right, is this
how you do it here?

Just like this?

Well okay, so I went to my
father, and he said to me,

"Christine, I'll get you
the best car in the world.

Just go get a job."

So I said, "Okay,
get me a 911-S."

He got me a 912, used. I mean,
I might as well be driving

some goddamn Mustang
or Volkswagen.

- Of course.

- Mm, what did you do about it?

- I told him, you know?

I said, "Look, I need a
car that's gonna get me

to this job, faster and safer."

Do you know what he said?

He said that a 912 was
just as good as a 911-S.

He doesn't even know anything.

- Can you talk to him right now?

What do you wanna say to him?

- What do you mean, talk
to him as if he were here?

- Mm-hmm.

- Daddy, I appreciate
you getting me a car.

If you're gonna get
me one, get me one

I won't be embarrassed to drive.

- Dale, how about you?

- The same goddamn thing
every single night, my mother.

I walk in the house,
I get to the door,

and I can just feel her,
sitting behind the door,

getting angry at me.

I just wanna go
someplace else, you know?

I just feel her sitting
there, getting into a pose.

- Is this something that
happened to you recently?

- Yes, this is something
that happened to me recently.

This is something
that happens to me

every single night
when I go home.

I walk in the door and I
sit down, and I get a look.

I get a couple one liners,
a couple digs, good ones.

- Mm-hmm, and what
do you say in return?

- I don't say anything.

- All right, if
you weren't worried

about any retaliation and
she was here right now,

what would you
like to say to her?

- The same thing I've
been saying to her.

We've been living like
this for two years.

But it's an eternal
pattern with my mother.

I mean, she never
gets tired of it.

- Mm, all right, you
never get tired of it.

See if you can put it
in the present tense

and talk to her right now.

- Should I talk to the wall?

- Just pretend she's here.

- I, I can't talk to the wall.

Can I talk to you?
- Sure.

- Okay Mom, Mom?

Mom, we've been living like
this for two years now,

and you've insisted on
giving up your friends,

and you've insisted on moving
outta the neighborhood.

And you make assholes out of us.

Every single time we
go to the supermarket,

we go in separate entrances
and meet back at the car

like espionage agents.

And you tell them all
stupid, ridiculous lies.

And she's found strangers
who she's trying

to confide in as friends,

instead of confiding in the
people who are her friends.

She's made so much trouble
for me, and you know,

and I go home at night and
I see her with the baby,

and I know that she loves him.

I mean, the whole thing
is for my benefit.

- What's the name of your baby?

- Look, that
doesn't even matter,

when her baby just
happens to be Black.

- And my mother
happens to be a bigot.

- (chuckling) I'm sorry.

I mean, I thought
from the way you spoke

that it was deformed
or something.

- Yeah well, it is to her.

- Oh, no you see, the
reason why I asked

is because I'm pregnant,
I'm just two months.

That gets my parents
really uptight.

'Cause you know, I'm now
never gonna get married.

But I have an old man, we've
been together for a long time,

we just, you know, we're
not into getting married.

- Are you finished, is that all?

- Yeah.

- I was flying in
from Detroit and,

and I had my wife meet me
at the airport, you know?

And I waited for everybody
to get off the plane,

even the pilots, to
just set the mood.

Cause I wanted to tell
her that, (stomping)

that the group
broke up, you know?

Nobody to play with,
nothing, nothing.

Didn't even phase
her, all she said was,

"Let's get the car, go home."

We go home, she's by the phone,

and she's not on it
more than three hours.

She's got herself a job,
a cocktail waitress job,

and that bitch is out the door.

Man, she accepted
that thing so quick

that my group broke up.

You know, like I could,
I couldn't believe it.

- What was it then
that made you angry?

- Well I was, well I,

I wanted sympathy.

- All right, what
did you do about it?

- I sat there.

She left, and the phone rang.

Got some people
asking me to do a gig

for a jazz group,
not a big thing.

Just a two-night,
two-night thing at a club.

It was pretty good, you know?
I got loose, we ripped it up.

Got it off, you know?

- You never told
her how you felt.

- Well, you don't
know how I play drums.

- So, what did you
say to her, Glen?

- She was there, man.

Ain't no way in this world
she couldn't get the picture

of what I was feeling.

- If she was here right now,

what would you say to her?

- I just don't
understand the reason

that she just wouldn't-
- Talk to her.

- Tell me anything.
- Talk to her right now.

- She just, all right, you
got a phone? I'll talk to her.

- Just talk to her right now.

- For you man, for me?

- For either of us.

- Baby, why'd it
take you so long,

to tell me how you
felt, being about me

being so close to
this group, you know?

It's been years, and
I feel like I've been

living on borrowed time
from you, you know?

I feel like everything I've
done, made or believed in

has been a waste of time.

I can't live like that.

- At the beginning
of the semester,

I asked my students to call
me Jennifer and I loved it.

But our principal has been
putting a lot of pressure on me,

'cause he thinks
I'm too progressive.

And when he hears the
students calling me Jennifer

down the halls, he gets furious.

And now he wants me to go
back and have my students

call me Ms. Palmer, which
is really difficult.

Since they've been calling
me Jennifer it's like,

created a whole new mood, like
really intimate and informal.

- What is it that made
you angry, Jennifer?

- That he's making me change.

- Bud, are you with us?

- Yeah, you see, I was
watching this special,

that aired on TV, you know?

It's about the
Olympics, you know?

Mexico City, in '68.

It was a trip, you know?

They were interviewing
some of the cats, you know?

Some of the cats who had
won some of the races,

and some of the guys who
had, you know, protested.

(exhaling) This one cat
man, one of the guys

who had did this black
glove thing, you know?

He was rapping.

I'm telling you man, he
was putting it to them.

He was telling them
like it is, man.

And he was a trip, because he
was saying all these things

about sports that you know,
that I've always felt.

You know, and I've
never said, you know?

I mean like, you know, it
just opened me up, you know?

And my old man is sitting there
making these comments and,

I mean like, "Look
at those cats,

and what he really said was,
"Look at those niggers."

Said, "They're messing it up

for all of us Blacks, you know?"

I'm wondering, now
why can't a cat

say what he feels, you know?

He's saying, "Think of the
image they're setting for kids."

Now why in the world
should you have to worry

about an image if you
can't be truthful?

I mean, this cat was
telling the truth, man.

Some of the things that
happened in track and field,

where they'd shoot cats up
and give them drugs, man.

Somebody should be
able to say that.

- How about you, Bud?

Have you ever told
him how you feel?

- (laughing) I'm gonna
tell big Ray Johnson

that his son agrees
with some relatives?

Doctor, you ain't
crazy, are you?

- Well, why don't you try
and tell him right now?

- All right.

I wanna ask her a question.

What's your thing?

- My thing?

- I mean, you show up
here and you're telling us

about these 911s and these 912s.

I mean, is that what
you're coming here for?

- I'm sorry, I guess I
should have explained better

when I was telling her.

I got busted for drugs,
and you know my father,

instead of sending
me off to some jail

to learn basket weaving, they
fixed it so I could come here.

- Rich girl's arrest.
- Yeah, how'd you guess?

So I'm doing it to keep them
cool, to cool them down.

'Cause I really
wanna have this kid,

and I know it's gonna work out.

I mean you know, a lot of
my friends are getting high

and everything, but I'm not.

This kid gets me higher
than any drug could ever do.

(laughing) Like my old man,
he's gonna go downtown.

He's gonna take these
natural childbirth thing,

what's that, you know?

Those breathing
things, you know?

- He's gonna breathe on it.

- (laughing) And
when the time comes

for us to have the
baby, we'll get,

get in the camper and go
out to the woods someplace.

Deliver it ourselves, we
don't have to register.

- Pete.

- Won't have to get
drafted, don't have to get-

- Pete, could you ask Sally
psychedelic to lower her volume?

- You tell her, Bill.

- Honey, could you
cool the verbiage?

I mean, could you-
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-

- She touched me, man.

I don't know where she gets
her goddamn nerve from,

to touch me.

I don't even know the lady.

- I'm sorry, okay?

- Look, women aren't my thing.

So just keep your hands
to yourself, will you?

- Billy, you dig this?

What's the matter, man?

This ain't like you.

- That's right,
this isn't like me.

I'm the timid one, I'm the, I'm
the Aunt Tommy in the group,

and I don't wanna be that
way anymore, it's old.

- Oh, old.
- What's bugging you, Bill?

- The, I can't-
- You can't what?

- I couldn't, I, like I,
I, I couldn't be myself,

and ah, I know it's
written all over me,

and I'm tired of
pretending it isn't,

and I can't deal with it
being what it is, that's all.

I can't deal with it.

= [Peter] You can't deal
with what being what it is?

(soft gentle uneasy music)

Hi, this is Dr. Carlson,
please hold my calls.

- Listen, are you getting
tired of us, Peter?

- No, but I'm not
gonna live forever,

and I'd kinda like explore
all the possibilities.

- Wanna get high with me?

- Well depends, what
would be in it for me?

- Hmm, whatever you put into it.

- What happens
after we get high?

- We turn on Glen's new
album, get high off of that.

- And sit there
staring at each other,

saying, "Far out,
heavy, I can dig it."

- Have you been smoking
some grass or something?

You know weed, you know,
sniff a little coke?

- Come on Bud, you
know I don't have to.

I've got an announcement.

You're cured, and-

(group laughing)
- Yeah.

- Bill's gonna be
with us tonight.

- He's returning to the group?

- Mm-hmm.

- How does he feel
about coming back?

- Well, I don't think
I oughta talk to Bill.

- Is there something
special we should do or say?

- No just, just be natural.

Just, just relax.

- Mm-mm.
- Yep.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Hey Bill.
- Hi Bill.

- Hi Bill.
- Hi Bill.

- How you doing?
- Come on in, Buddy?

- Looking good, man.

- This is yours.
- Oh.

Oh my God, you've really grown.

- Come on, sit here.
- Progress.

- Yeah, it's really happening.

- Yeah.

- I wanna try something
with you, close your eyes.

Everybody's got,
Dale, how about you?

Okay, I'd like you to go
way back to, oh a time,

or any particular incident,
when you really felt

that somebody cared for you.

And there's something very
beautiful going on right now.

Now that beautiful thing is
making you feel very, very warm.

It's making you feel very, very
close, and very, very loved.

Chris, can I start with you?

- Hm, ah, I'm
trying to remember.

- Would you like me
to come back to you?

- yeah.

- Glen, who do you
see standing there?

What's happening?

- Ah let's see.

Well I was in high school,

and my father had
fallen off the ladder,

you know, and hurt his back.

He's been in traction
for like six months,

and my mother and I were taking,

been taking care of the
store, grocery store.

But anytime I had any free time,

I went out to this
little field, you know,

just across from the house.

I could see where my sister was.

And I'd take the nine iron
out and chip shots and whack,

I'd just get lost, you know?

This one afternoon
though, my father got up

and went out in the front porch.

And well, he had his
rubber sandals on,

and his dirty chinos rolled up,

a safety pin holding
them together

with his Hawaiian shirt
and his belly hanging out,

and a can of beer and his
Yankee baseball cap on.

And all his war medals on
his Yankee baseball cap,

and his head shaved this day,
(chuckling) and very fresh.

And he breaks into
his full sprint

down the street after this cat.

Finally I, I finally found
out that the guy was a thief

and stealing, like
robbing jewelry,

like you know, from
the tract homes.

Tackles the guy, slings
him over his shoulder

and comes down the
street, singing, you know.

♪ Aye, be rising of the moon

You know, and all
these Irish songs,

and the dogs are
howling. (laughing)

It's, it's really bizarre.

But it broke up the
Saturday, right? In suburbia.

Anyway, he throws the
guy down on the lawn,

and calling to the
people, you know,

"Who's gonna call the police?"

Nobody did, they all
go into the houses.

Finally I went in and
called the police,

and he yells in, "Get me a
beer, I'm losing energy."

And I bring out the beer,
cops come, and they say,

"Well you know, we
can't arrest the guy,

'cause you don't have any,"
you know, "any evidence."

And my father is really mad.

He steals the guy's flashlight.

He was almost ready to get
the badge, and they left,

and he lost face in the
whole community, you know?

'Cause he had done
a great thing.

And he just, I don't
know, he couldn't,

he couldn't take it anymore,
and he just sort of split,

and I found him in Mexico
trying to get an army together.

And he, (chuckling)
they caught him

and put him in the VA hospital.

Couldn't take the quiet
life, great man. (laughing)

- I wanna tell you
where I got lost, Glen,

which is, how are you
involved with him?

- Presence, I was in involved
with the presence of the man.

He was great.

- That made you
feel close to him?

- Of course it did.

As close as you could
be to your father.

- I see.

How do you wanna do it,
eyes open or eyes closed?

- It really doesn't
make no difference.

- Try it with your eyes closed.

- I think I'm keeping
them, keeping them open.

- Okay, who do you
see standing there?

- My father.

- And what did your
father look like?

- Everybody say we, we
look just alike. (laughing)

He was my hero.

I was 12 at the time, you know?

And we had been working out
together all summer, you know.

'Cause he was still playing
ball, and I was getting ready

for my first Pop
Warner League season.

- Could you talk just
a little bit louder.

- Yeah, I was, you
know, getting ready

for my first Pop
Warner League season.

And I remember I was
telling all the guys,

"My father be at
the game," you know?

And they, they were all glad
to hear it, because you know,

he's a professional ball player.

They said their parents
would be there too.

And I didn't know
it at the time,

but he would be
playing the 49ers,

and he'd have to go up to
San Francisco on Friday,

so he wouldn't be able
to be there, you know?

And I remember the
day of the game,

like all the guys are
looking at me like, you know,

"You lied," you know,
"where's your old man?"

I was feeling terrible, boy.

I was ah, I was
running the kickoffs

back for our team, you know?

I was down there waiting for it.

And I mean, I just
wanted to call,

crawl in a hole
and die, you know?

And I was standing down
there and I looked up,

and coming across the field
was my old man. (laughing)

- Oh, that's great.

- You know, I don't
know what he did.

He must have pulled some strings

in San Francisco or something,
but he came down, you know?

He got them to fly down the
day before he had to play

just to watch me for
three hours, you know?

And I thought that was
terrific, you know?

I ran the kickoff all
the way back. (laughing)

- Dale, who do you
see standing there?

- Oh, I see me and my Daddy.
- Mm-hmm.

- And it was a warm
Saturday morning.

It was real nice, the air
smelled nice, you know?

And me and him were
walking down the street,

and it was my first March,
you know, for Washington?

I didn't even understand
half of what he's telling me,

all about the March
and everything.

But he's, talking
and I feel like

a regular colleague, you know?
(Glen laughing)

And then we get on the
bus, and the bus is filled

mostly with Black people,
and they were so nice.

And they're all
talking and everything,

and then everyone's
telling stories.

And then we got to
Washington and we had

this great big settlement house,

that they had rented, you know?

And everybody had
their own patrols,

and everybody had
different things to do.

And we were making signs,
and some people were on

food patrols, and then
we'd get out there

and we'd march
around Washington,

and we all had our
signs, you know?

And this went on for
like four days, you know?

Oh, we were terrific.

- How'd you feel about
your father at that time?

- Oh, I loved him.

He organized the whole deal.

- Bill, what's happening
in your head right now?

- Well, this is when we lived
in New York and it was warm.

It was hot, it was a warm
afternoon, early June.

I'm about 11 years old, I'd
just come home from school.

And the phone rings
and it's my uncle.

And he said that my aunt
was killed in a plane crash.

(Glen laughing)

- Tell me darling, this
is your favorite Auntie?

- What's so funny?

- That's a warm
moment? (laughing)

- Well, I'm getting
to my warm moment.

- Yeah.
- Do tell.

- So yeah, she was
my father's sister,

and I realized I'd have to
be the one to tell my father.

And he was coming home
from work early that day,

it was a Tuesday, and every
Tuesday my father would,

he'd come home from work early.

He'd have a couple
of drinks and go off

to the neighborhood
movie houses.

He'd go to all three of them,
just go from one to the other.

And so he comes
home and I tell him,

and he does get a little
crazy and starts drinking.

(chuckling) See, whenever
anybody would die,

my father would get
very, very drunk

and he'd go around
saying, "I'm next."

(group members laughing)

So this time he got on the
phone and he was, you know,

making funeral arrangements.

And all this time
he's on the phone,

he's asking me to
do things for him.

Like he'd say, "Fill my
drink, make me spaghetti,

do this, do that," and I do it.

And meanwhile, he's getting
very, very, very drunk.

Anyway, finally he finishes,

and by this time
he's really loaded.

And he asked me to go
to the movies with him.

Well I go, and
I'm sitting there.

I reach out my hand and he
held it, the whole movie.

Well, (laughing) see he, he
would always go to the movies,

but he went by himself,
he never took me anywhere.

And he had asked me to do
all these things for him,

and he didn't beat me, and
he didn't scream at me,

and he didn't put me down.

It was the first
time I ever felt

like a human being
in my own house.

- Were you able to tell him?

- Are you kidding?

You'd have to be very careful
what you say to my father.

- How long did it last?

- About two days.
(group members chuckling)

Then he was back to
his old self again.

He'd cuff us on the
ear, run upstairs,

turn on the hi-fi and listen
to "Pagliacci" and cry.

(group laughing)

So that's my father.

- How about your mother?

- Well, when he hates
me, she hates me.

But since the last
marathon, when I,

I did my little number here, my,

her whole attitude toward
me has changed, you know?

She's, she said she
feels responsible

and would like to understand.

Can you turn that thing
off? It really bugs me.

- You never objected
to it before.

- Well, of course I
never objected to before.

It was a group decision, and
I'm a member of the group

I thought I had to go along.

- Oh come on man,
you're an individual.

You know you had a
chance to say something.

- Well, it freaks me to have
all this technology around me.

It bothers me, it really does.

- Bill, you know that
nobody outside of this group

ever sees these tapes.

Well, I think what's really
freaking you out though,

is that I have this,
some permanent record

of something that's
really painful to you.

- What are you
planning to do with it?

- Well you know,
things sometimes happen

pretty fast in here
and I miss things.

- You miss things, all right.

Why don't you,
why don't you just

tune into what's happening?

Why depend on all
this equipment?

- All right, I hope that what
happened with you last time,

for instance, will
never happen again.

- I hope so too man,
I really hope so.

- After that last session,
I must have played this tape

at least four or five times.

- What'd you learn?

- Mainly I was trying to
figure out what it was about me

that had taken me
so far off the track

that I wasn't able to tune in

on what was going
on with you earlier.

- Get any clues, huh?

- I think what screwed me
up was, I was so caught up

in playing the doctor
role that I wasn't able

to feel your pain in my gut.

- Maybe if you looked at it,

it would be helpful, Bill.

- No I don't, I have no
interest in looking at it.

- Come on man, give it a chance.

I mean it's like, it's
like our instant replay.

You see films, you know, you
don't look at the good plays.

You look at the bad plays
so you can work on them.

It's the same principle.

- Come on, if I can look at it,

you can look at it.

- It might not be as
bad as you remember it.

- Yeah, why don't
you give it a try?

- You are the star.

- Look, he wants to see it
anyway, look at him. (laughing)

- I'll hold your hand.

- All right, I'll peek at it.

But if I don't like it,
I'm gonna close my eyes.

- I'll hold your hand.

- Now this has gotta be good.
- Oh yeah.

- Look ah, women
aren't my thing.

So, so just keep your hands
to yourself, will you?

- Billy, you dig this?

What's the matter, man?
This ain't like you.

- Not like me, yeah
I'm the timid one,

I'm the, I'm the Aunt
Tommy of the group,

and I don't wanna be that
way anymore, that's all.

- what's bugging you, Bill?

- I, I can't-
- You can't what?

- I, I couldn't, I, I can't.

See, I couldn't be myself.

I know it's written all
over me and like I'm,

I'm tired of
pretending it isn't,

and I can't deal with
it being what it is.

So what's the-

- You can't deal with
what being what it is?

- Oh man, you can't help me.

You don't know shit, man.

- Maybe I could help
you if you looked at me

while you were talking to me.

- Okay, I'm looking
at you, happy?

You happy now?

You're just like Frank, man.

- Who's Frank?
- You are just like Frank.

My older brother Frank, you
know, I've talked about him.

Don't you listen?

Frank, who lives in
the Valley, Frank.

- Oh.

- I was at his
house last Sunday.

Didn't wanna go, but his
wife, you know, his wife,

she's the cunt of
the world and like,

I couldn't get out of
it, you know what I mean?

And he started, you
know, the usual.

He started putting me down.

And like, he was always
calling me a sissy

when we were young, you know?

- Wow, take your time, Bill.

- Yeah, I, well I
just, I just sat there

and took it, you know?

Like I didn't show anything,
but inside I was like,

raging against him.

Like I wanted to, like I
wanted to look him in the eye.

Like I wanted to say
to him, you know?

Ha, you think, you think,
you're not fooling me, man.

I know, I know you.

I know you better
than anybody else.

You settled into such fakeness,

and you think you
got it so great.

Well, you're a fakey.

- Bill, why are you sweating?

- Okay, I'm fucked up.

Man, I'm a little fucked
up, but I'm trying.

Like, like I wasn't afraid
to experience anything.

But don't put me
down, man. (chuckling)

Put me down.

- Bill.
- Don't put me down.

- Bill, you all right, man?

- Peter, he's dozing, man.

- Can you hear me, Bill?
- Yeah.

- Can you stand up, Bill?

- Sure I can, I don't
wanna, I don't wanna.

- I'd like you to stand up.
(hand slapping)

- Hey, take it easy with him.

- Get the fuck outta my
way, call an ambulance.

- You outta lay down.

Hey, get that chick
outta the bathroom.

- Please don't touch me.

- Please don't throw
up on me, come on.

- Please let me die,
please let me die!

They were slapping my
face in the ambulance,

you know, to keep me awake.

And I looked up and
there was this cop,

and he said to me, "Too bad
kid, you didn't take enough."

- Oh wow.
- Encouraging.

- At the time I
felt it was too bad,

but I gave him the
finger, I lived.

- Hey, that's doing it.

- You still agree
with him, Bill?

- Yeah sometimes,
like just seeing that.

I realize that I can
get into that same,

I can get to that same
place very easily.

It's a very deep
feeling inside of me.

- Is it any clearer to
you now? why you did it?

- Yeah, I think so.

- Bill, do you think
it was like one thing,

or like an accumulation
of a lot of things?

- (sighing) I guess it
was a lot of things like,

like at that time I was going
downhill very fast, you know?

I remember I was in the
bathroom taking the pills,

and when I came out there
was this exercise going on.

I don't know I, I
guess I wanted you to

pick up on my
feelings, you know?

I wanted you to
read where I was at.

I expected you were going
to, and I wanted you like,

to call my parents to
explain me to them.

I mean, it's crazy.

I don't wanna talk
anymore, okay?

- I wonder maybe, the
rest of the group,

if we could use this
as an opportunity

to focus on our own feelings,

maybe the kinds of things
in your own life right now

that might make
you wanna respond

the way that, that Bill did.

- You mean about
committing suicide?

- Mm-hmm.

- I thought about it a lot,
but he did it, you know?

- Mm-hmm, while we were
watching the videotape,

I was noticing tears
in your eyes, Dale.

- Not mine.

- Well, I sense a kind
of a sadness in you.

What's that about?

- About dying.

- Did you ever wanna die?

- Yeah, every single
night when I go home,

except for my baby.

I have my mother and I have
a great job at the bakery,

and I have to walk between
the bakery and my mother's,

and the scenery is really
great, really great,

but it gets so
boring. (exhaling)

- You mean everything around
you is that miserable?

- Mm-hmm, especially trying
to raise a Black baby

in this fantastic society.

- Why do you always have
to say Black baby, huh?

Seriously, I mean when you
pick him up, do you say,

"Come to Mommy, Black baby,"
when you feed him, do you say,

"Here's your
bottle, Black baby"?

- Would you ask Othello why
it has to bother him so much

if I'm trying to help?

- Why don't you help me?

- Because you
don't need my help.

'Cause you already
have your Guccis,

and you already have
your sports cars,

and you got a big,
strong Black body

that lets you stick your nose
into the white man's world.

Try pushing your mind
just the teeny bit,

and see what happens.

It's the white guys who are
the heads of everything,

the store owners,
the Santa Clauses,

the President, your coaches.

It's the black guys who are
still doing all the delivering,

and I don't want my
son to be one of them.

- So what are you
doing about it?

- Well, I can't lead a crusade
by myself, but I'm trying.

I'm working in
breakfast programs,

I'm working in daycare centers,

I go around to the playgrounds.

I'm working in welfare centers.

I go to the organizations
and I'm stuffing envelopes.

I'm picketing.

- What's your reaction Bud,

to what she's been saying?

- I think she's full of shit.

- You tell her?

- Dale, I think
you're full of shit.

You're always talking about

what you're doing
for the Black people.

Now, how in the hell are you
gonna do something for us?

Look at you, why don't you
do something for yourself?

And when I was a kid,
you know, in the play,

I used to go to the playground.

We had this director, white
guy, you know, Mr. Hanson.

Big man, you know?

All the Blacks run up
to Mr. Hanson, you know?

Big, strong cat,
heavy, you know?

We had a big banquet
at the end of the year

with the mayor and everybody,
you know, big shots out there.

You know, he couldn't even
talk to him, he was nothing.

Know what I mean?

He couldn't talk to his people.

He couldn't even communicate.

He was a big man with us.

That's why he was always
in the ghetto, 'cause we,

we made him a big man, but you
get him with his own people,

he couldn't do nothing.

- That's a fantastic
story, Bud. (clapping)

It's supposed to be
analogous with me?

- Why do you think
because somebody's Black,

he's gotta have a problem?

And why simply because
I'm an athlete,

you always stereotype me?

- Jennifer?

- Oh, saved by Jennifer.
- Yeah.

- You've been very quiet.
- I've been listening.

- Are you comfortable with this?

What's, what's been
going on in your head

while they've been talking?

Where are you, what kind
of image are you seeing?

Are you seeing?

- It's a place I
went to last weekend.

Um, it's a retreat
up in the mountains.

It's like a group of people,

and they're trying
to relate better,

and they don't wear clothes.

- A nudie place?
- Yes.

- Did you party with them?
- Mm-hmm.

- What'd you do that for?

- To try to feel
what they're feeling.

- You mean, you got
naked with them?

- Of course, you don't
go to a place like that

and wear clothes.

- Did you get into it?

I mean, did you find what
you were looking for?

- Not really.

- That really impresses me.

I would never have,
have imagined you
could get into that.

- See Bill, that's just
what I'm talking about.

Because she's a teacher,
she can't do it.

You know, images.

Why you always gotta
stereotype people?

People do it to me, you know?

They're always try to make
you something that you're not.

And you know, if
they keep doing it,

you're gonna be just that.

Just an image, something
for them to jack off to.

- Man, I listen to
you, and it seems

very double standard to me.

I mean, like I see you on TV.

You're an all-around
wonderful guy.

You tell kids that
smoking dope's a no-no.

And you're doing great
things, you know?

I, what is it that
you really wanna say?

I, I don't understand.

- Man, I've smoked
dope, you know?

- Okay.

- I mean you know, what
if you get a little kid

in the ghetto, man,
how's he gonna get out?

You know, he gets
strung out on drugs,

he never get out, man.

- Oh, I got that, I
get that, I really do.

- I dig what I say.
It's just that,

you know, you get
cats man, people,

they just expect you
to say it, you know?

- Is this something
that you're experiencing

with everybody?
- Yeah, just about.

- Anybody particularly?

- A coach, boy he's a prick.

And once I, I hurt my knee.

All week man, you know the man
didn't say one thing to me?

Not, "How's your knee, Bud?"

You know, "How're you feeling?"

Not one fucking thing, you know?

And right before the next
game, he comes up to me.

He says, "Bud, we
need you, you know?

You gotta take a shot,
you know, gotta get,"

I mean shit, you know?

I wasn't nothing to the cat.

I don't even know
I'm saying this.

- What do you mean?

- It's my old man.

- Well, what about your old man?

What, what do you
wanna say to him?

Can you talk to him?

- Why do you always make
me this fucking image?

I mean, before the games man,

I gotta get the shakes,
sometime I get sick.

I haven't even slept
in months, man.

- I think there's something
about it you enjoy.

- I enjoy playing,
I just don't want

the shit that goes with it.

- Don't you get any release

out of beating the hell out of
somebody on a football field?

- It's part of the game, man.

- (chuckling) Okay.

What, what do you
say inside yourself

when you're on the football
field, you're taking a guy down?

- Arms and legs saying, you
know, "Get him," you know?

I'd like to tell
them to fuck it.

Fuck their money and their
publicity, all that shit.

I don't wanna be their image.

- Why don't you say it?
- I just did.

- Yeah, you said it in here.

But what about outside,
where it really counts?

What, what's your reaction to
Bud, what he's been saying?

- You don't understand man,
what the cat's up against.

Everybody's paying
for him to say

a certain thing a
certain way, even fans.

If he goes on TV and starts
to talk about something

that he really wants to say
for his people or for himself,

I mean all of a sudden, the
big bucks cut your water off.

- Right on, man.

- Just like that,

is that what happened
to your group?

Is that why it broke up?

- Well, two of the guys went
out on their own, you know?

Wanted to do
something different.

They did all right, you know?

But you know what it
is to be with somebody,

you know, like for
years, five years.

And then all of a sudden this,

we found out the guy, cat we
knew, playing with was
.

- Oh, this is
getting interesting.

- Nice. (chuckling)

Well it just, it's not
that we had anything

against him really, it just,

we didn't know how to treat
him, we didn't know how to act.

We didn't know what to do.

I mean, it just, and it
got very tedious, you know?

You know, I'm trying to keep
the music together, you know,

keep everybody happy and shit.

It just got cold, we
couldn't hold together.

- You with another group now?

- Yeah but it,
it's not the same.

- Would you like the group
to get together again?

I mean, is there
any chance of that?

- It's just dissolved, I mean,

I mean, we're living
within blocks of each other

and I never see them, it's over.

- How do you feel about it?

- It was more than
music, you know?

It was, it was,

I don't know, there
was a pulse there.

I mean, it's just
something I can't get,

I play with other people.

It's just not, it's just
not there, you know?

But it's, that's too
depressing, really.

'Cause it's over, I know it
is, you know, that's cool.

I was watching those
tapes, you know?

- The May tapes?
- Yeah, the May tapes.

Man, I'm coming on
saying like everything,

you know, is a problem.

I got like no money, hassles
with my old lady, you know?

That's BS.

I got bread, I got this
song, it's making it.

My old lady and I are,
you know, we're drinking.

We're getting high.

But when I don't play music,

I just don't know what to
do it myself, you know?

I, I have nothing, nothing
to put it to, you know?

- I dig what you're
going through.

Eddie's got the same changes.

- Eddie, is he a
musician, do I know him?

- Oh yeah, he's a musician,
but he's not famous at all.

- How old is he?
- He's 18.

- He hasn't done anything yet?

- Well, well he's trying
to get a group together.

Just doesn't know right now
if he's coming or going.

- Hmm, seems to be the trend.
- Yeah.

- Incidentally, how
are things going

between you and Eddie?

- Not too good.

- Yeah I thought so, and
that's why I told you

to bring him with
you, why didn't you?

- He didn't wanna come.

- Did you ask him?
- Yeah, I asked him.

- How did you ask him?

- I told him, you know,

about the doctor wanting him to-

- No I mean, how
did you ask him?

What did you say to him?

- Oh, I said mm, I
said, "Pete, the doc,

you know the doctor, he
wants you to come down

to the meetings this weekend."

- Okay, hold up.

I'd like to try something
with you Chris, okay?

Here's Eddie, talk
to him right now.

Ask him to come to the group
tonight, go ahead Chris.

Go ahead.

- Um Eddie, the doctor wants
you to come to the meetings

because he's getting a
very one-sided picture

of our relationship,
which is true.

And I'd like you to come.

- Look I'd like to,

but I don't feel like
leaving the house tonight.

So maybe some other time.

- What's?
- He doesn't talk like that.

- All right, you show
him how Eddie talks.

You be Eddie, okay?

- Can I be Christine?
- All right.

And you show him how
he talks, you start.

- Honey I, I really, I really
dig being pregnant now.

I'm into my body and it's
changes, and it's beautiful.

- Christine, I'm
tired of hearing you.

- I know you're
tired, just listen.

It's getting a little
scary, you know?

I'm in my sixth month
and Pete, the doctor,

thought it'd be a
great idea if you came

to the marathon this weekend,
to like help me, you know?

- Don't talk to me about
that marathon stuff,

because they are a bunch
of sick people there.

And don't associate
me with them,

because I am not sick
and I'm not going.

- Well, I got the
picture. (chuckling)

- Okay, well let's switch
it around one more time,

and let's take it right
from the top, Chris.

Here's Eddie again, talk to him.

- Eddie, I've been going
for four or five months now.

You can go for a few minutes.

- Don't bore me.

I, I'm not going
down to Beverly Hills

to listen to some
ah, prick, telling me

how to live my life
with his values.

- Well, if not for
me, for the baby?

- All right, come on.
- It's your kid too.

- I already know
the whole story.

He's gonna want
us to get married.

- No, he just, he
just wants to meet.

He wants to get a
better perspective

of our problem, in quotes.

- Don't you understand
that I don't want you?

I don't want anything
to do with you.

I don't want anything
to do with you at all.

- Hey stop it, stop it!

- Don't you understand?

- Come on, you can't change
your mind like that now.

- But I have, lover.

- You can't.
- I don't want it.

- Look, you had
plenty of time before.

It's a little too late now.

You spent the money that Daddy
gave me for the abortion.

- You helped me spend it.

- That's because you
gave me this big line

on how we were
gonna keep the baby.

- I don't want it, I
don't want the baby.

- Oh, so now it's
all my thing, huh?

- That's right, that's right.

- So it's my kid.

You're such a fucking liar.

I mean, you write all this
stuff about how you love life

and you love children
and everything else,

and that means that everything,

All that, was that, it was
just a lot of lies, right?

It's all bullshit, right, huh?

You got all these ideas
and how you're gonna go out

and get your own group together.

You know, you're gonna
go out and make it.

What about these songs that
you're gonna be singing

when you're there,
like having a baby

is like living with a Zen
master, what about that?

I mean, how can you
live with yourself

knowing that you've,
you fucked me up, huh?

How can you live with yourself?

You know how long I've spent

beating up my body for this kid?

And you, this kid's
gonna be deformed

because you've got
me shooting up again!

- Christine, the baby is
only gonna be deformed

If you make it that way.

How can you do this to the kid?

How can you do it?

- It's easy, it's
needles, and it's-

- Stop it, you know
what I'm talking about.

The baby's living
in your stomach,

how can you do that to him?

- Well Chris, whatever
happened to all your, you know,

natural childbirth
talk, you know?

You're gonna put the
baby on your warm belly

the minute it crawls into
the cold, cruel world.

What happened to
that bullshit, Chris?

- Do you have a habit?

- She's got a habit.

That's what happened to
all that beautiful stuff.

It was just too much pressure.

- Is that it, Chris?

Are you doing it to
have a good time?

- No, just any time, anymore.

Okay.

- Three weeks ago today,
I having a birthday party.

- You're a Scorpio?

- Yeah.
- Far out.

- I was having a good time.

- I'm right on the
cusp of Scorpio, Sag.

- What's yours, what date?

- 23rd, this month.

- Well, this is the
23rd of this month.

- It's your birthday today?
- Yeah.

- Far out, it's my boss'
birthday today too.

- How old are you?
- I'm 18.

- Yeah?

- I can go to New York City
and drink legally. (chuckling)

I seem so old now.
- Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

- What a way to
spend your birthday?

- No kidding.

- I just thought
it'd be interesting.

- What'd you get?
- I don't know yet.

- My mother spit at me
for my 18th birthday.

- Your mother's a trip.

- Where'd she hit you?

- She just missed us.

I was walking with
Robert down the street.

She saw us holding
hands out of the window

and made a face,
and then she spit.

- Is that true?
- Mm-hmm.

- Too much.
- I wouldn't make it up.

- So what'd you do, Bud?

- I just graduated
from high school,

and I had millions of
colleges wanting me,

and I sat down and I had to
decide between three colleges.

I had all my relatives
over, and I decided to go

to Southern Cal, and
we had a big party.

- It's a happy birthday.
- I-

- I remember my 18th birthday.

I, if anyone's interested.

I was working for my
parents after school,

and I don't remember what,
what got my father started,

but I made some minuscule error

in some figures I
was adding up and,

and he just beat
the shit outta me.

I mean, he really
just gave it to me.

I was, I got, had a
black eye. (chuckling)

And my mother, my mother was
screaming at me on one side

and he was pummeling
me on the other.

And I, all day long at work I
kept thinking they're gonna,

they're really gonna
make me a party.

So that was the
party they gave me.

I got very pissed off and I,
I, I think I had just come out

like maybe a couple
months before.

So after work I put on some,

I remember putting on these
dark glasses, huge dark glasses.

I looked like a hornet
with a thyroid condition.

I had these huge black glasses,
and I start on the Boulevard

and I picked up two guys.
(Christine laughing)

So my birthday
was happy and sad.

- Despite the eye thing.

- Your father seems
really like the worst.

- Oh, he is.

- 18's a magic year, you know?

- Oh yeah.

- 'Cause your parents are trying

to get you outta the house.

My old man was trying
for about four months

to get rid of me, right?

I guess it bothered
him when I walked

outta the shower
every day, right?

But um, he brought a
tether ball on a pole

for my birthday, and we
went out and we did battle,

and he broke my nose.

The ball hit me right
in the face. (laughing)

- I hope you left
the house after that.

- I did, I got the
point. (laughing)

- Sugar, you sure is looking
pretty spiffy tonight.

- I don't know whether to
salute or say hello, man.

- You know what
you look like, Bud?

You look like a recruitment
poster for the lots.

- You should just hang with it.

This is what all us well-dressed
athletes are wearing today.

- Yeah, if I walk down the
street dressed like that,

they'd clap my ass in jail.

- How come you're
being so happy man,

after losing all my
bread in that playoff?

- Your bread? Oh, I guess I
could use a Super Bowl check.

We shoulda won that game, man.

- Really, I was praying.

- Incidentally Bud, what was
your father's reaction to that?

- It was funny. (chuckling)

You know, normally when we
play a game, win our lose,

I come home, he's always
giving me this static.

You know, what we did, what
we shoulda done or something.

He hates to hear me complain.

He says, "An athlete is
supposed to lose with dignity,"

whatever in the hell that is.

So I come home, ready for him.

Walk in, "We'd have won
that got goddamn game,

it wasn't for the coach,"
he didn't say nothing.

- What's happened to him?

- I don't know, but can you
imagine me filling myself up,

rehearsing all the way home,

and he doesn't even
say anything, he let
it go. (laughing)

- Ah, but maybe he sensed
you were ready for him.

- Honey, he took one look
at those clothes of his,

and went into shock.

- (laughing) Look, I'm
telling you, last week now,

I'm sitting in my room,
I'm reading this magazine.

They got these four
militants on the cover.

- Mm, I saw that,
it was four um,

four football players exposing
the sports establishment.

Jock lib, oh I saw it.

- I'm in my room
reading it, you know?

And my father's in the
other room watching TV.

The President is on,
talking some crap, you know?

And he's telling me to
come in and watch it.

You know, "Bud come in,
Bud come in," you know?

So I'm reading my magazine.

He walks in my room and grabs,

snatches the magazine
outta my hand.

I stood up and snatched it back.

And I said, "Look, I'm not
interested in no TV show.

I'm reading this magazine.

When I finished
reading it, if it's on,

I'll go in and watch it then."

Well, he went into shock.

I'm telling you, he went into
shock and went outta the room.

Now I'm sitting there now, and
I know I gotta go in the room

and face the music
sooner or later.

So I finish reading, I go in
the living room, the TV's off.

He's sitting there,
he gives me no static.

He just asked me if, if I
finished reading the magazine,

he'd like to read it.

- How do you think it
happened, this change?

- I don't know, but see, what
I'm saying is, not his change.

I stood up, I
grabbed the magazine.

I said, "Look, I'm
reading this magazine."

It was me you know, and
I've never done that.

- Well, I have a feeling

he might be pacifying you, Bud.

I mean, you've really
been standing up to him.

Maybe he feels he's
losing control of you,

so he's adjusting
to your changes.

- Yeah well maybe, but I still
stood up to him, didn't I?

Oh I wonder where
all the girls stay?

I'll probably go
out to the beach

and look for me
an apartment soon.

- I'm almost getting
high hearing about this.

- Yeah.

- Well, whenever anybody
makes a little progress here,

I feel personally encouraged.

- Does your father know
you're coming here, Bud?

- My old man?
- Yeah.

- Group? Oh, no
that'd freak him out.

- Why would that
freak him out, Bud?

- I don't know, he just
wouldn't expect that of,

you know, his son, you know.

It's funny, 'cause I
come home in the morning

and he thinks I've been out
with some broad, you know?

His philosophy is, you
gotta get all you can.

So he thinks I'm out getting
it all, Jack. (laughing)

- Hit it while it's hot.
- Yes.

- Hit it while it's hot.
- Mm-hmm.

- Hey what Bill, I'm
talking about broads now,

and that's two completely
different subjects.

- First, I don't know
how different it is.

And second, and that's
what I'm talking about too.

See, I finally made it
with a chick. (laughing)

- Billy!

- Are you aware of the way

you told that to the group?
- No.

- Well, you were
really saying something

that was very important,

but the way in which you
said it kinda made me feel

like you were belittling it,

like you were putting
yourself down.

- No, no it was like a surprise.

It was a miracle.

I, I just wanted you all to
remember where it came from.

You know what I mean?

- Bill, did you do it
'cause you liked her,

or did you wanna
prove something?

- I did it cause I
really liked her.

- Really?
- How'd you dig it?

- Well, at first I
think I was scared and,

then I got it, I really
dug it, you know?

I really enjoyed it, I liked it.

- And how did she like it?

- Well, I think she, she
had a good time, I think.

I mean, you know, you're
never really sure, are you?

- All I know, if she dug it,

she sure has a funny
way of showing it.

- What makes, what makes,

what makes you think
you know who it is?

- I'll give you three
to one I know who it is.

Look I'm sorry, I
shouldn't have done that.

- If it makes you
feel better Bill,

why don't you talk about it?

- I just wanted to say
that it was a very full,

that it was a very rich and
very wonderful experience.

- What do you mean, it
was wonderful experience?

- Well, like I never really
have made it with anybody

I dug before, and it was nice
to do it that way, you know?

- Well, if you liked it so much.

- What do you wanna say, Dale?

- I'm not gonna say
anything to you.

- Yeah, if I dug
it so much, what?

- Then why couldn't
you ah, handle it?

I don't know.

- Well, like it, it's
very new to me, you know?

It's, I'm not, it was
a very new thing and,

I, I gave as much as
I could, you know I,

like, we're very
different people

with very different
sets of needs, I...

- Bill, at least you
can talk about it.

- Not very well.

- Yeah, but you're
open enough to-

- Look I wish, I,
I hope that ah,

I wish that it could,
I could give more.

I wish, I wish I could,
but I'm not there yet.

I'm trying, but I'm,
maybe when I get better,

we can start it
over and you know?

- Gee, I wish I could wait
for you to get better,

but I'm a little
too busy right now.

- Yeah, she's very busy.

She, she moved out
of her mother's place

into her own apartment.

- Hey, that's good,
hey. (laughing)

- Is your baby living
with you, Dale?

- No.

- What, your baby's
not with you?

- No, he's with my mother.

- I thought you um,
said the whole point

of you getting a, an apartment

as so you and your
can be together.

- Yeah, well ah,
it didn't work out.

See, I have some, some
great neighbors and um,

and they were taking
care of Robbie.

My mother called
me up and she said

she wanted me and
Robbie to come home.

And I said ah, that I
had been waiting for her

to ask me to come home
for two years and um,

and I wasn't gonna come home,

but that Robbie cried for
her every single night.

And ah, and he couldn't
get along that well

with the neighbors so,
so that's where he is.

He's with my mother.

- So you pick him up after work?

- No, I don't pick
him up after work.

I work very hard every
day in the bakery.

And when I get home at night,
I've been able to go out now.

I've made some friends,
and I can go out now.

That's a step forward for me.

And as soon as I get some money,

I'm gonna have some babysitters

and I'm gonna get
him back with me.

- Yeah Robbie he, he doesn't
feel comfortable, you know,

with the strange new
neighbors, but I'm sure

he's gonna feel great
with some new babysitter.

You're full of shit. You've
been giving us this shit

for six months you've
been coming here,

telling us this crap about
you need an apartment

so you and your son
could be together.

You got an apartment, you
got two groovy neighbors

who are gonna keep your
baby for you, free.

And you're still not together.

- I'm gonna gonna
have Robbie with me.

He's gonna be with
me, I know that.

- You will, he's gonna.

Six months, I've been
here in the same crap.

He's gonna, excuses.

- It's not excuses,
I made a step.

I made one step, I moved,

and I know that he's
gonna be with me.

- Yeah, you're stepping for
the parties, to the show,

having a good time.

- Yeah, once a week I go out
to a party, that's right.

Because I don't want
he and I to grow older

resenting each other, all right?

- Look, she's not out every
night dining and dancing.

- Like some people are.

- Be cool, I, I, do you ever
grow with any straight cats?

You know, not a guy who's never
made it with a girl before,

of some strung out
brother in the ghetto

who's looking up to the white
princess, a straight cat.

- Oh honey, I know.

I know that I'm
misunderstanding your point.

You mean a guy has to
be white to be nice?

- I think what Bud
may be saying, Dale,

is do you ever go out with guys
where you're not necessarily

kind of in a superior position?

- You mean that ah, the
guy has to be inferior

if he likes me?

- Be on with you Dale,
you know just what I mean.

I mean a straight cat,
not no cat in the ghetto

looking up to the
white queen or a fag.

A straight guy, regular
guy, can you handle that?

- You bet I can handle that.

- Then why in the
hell haven't you?

- Because I haven't met him yet.

- Oh, I'm sure you've
been out looking for him.

- I think maybe
what Bud's saying,

what I've been kind
of feeling Dale,

is that there's such
an, kind of an erratic

and moody quality about you.

That really only a guy with,
who didn't value himself

very much would stand
for it very long.

(Bud laughing)

I don't think I
would stand for it.

- Oh Christ doctor,
and I've been praying

that you would ask
me to the prom.

(group members laughing)

- That's right, I wouldn't
stand for your little put downs

and your one-liners, and
I won't stand for you

just using this
group as a playground

to dump a lot of
your hostility on.

- But Peter, don't
we use everything?

- What do you mean, Jennifer?

- We all use everything.

- I think you're losing me.

Could you, you replace
the word we with I,

and just kinda talk
about yourself?

- I use everything.
- What, for instance?

- People, situations.

We all use everything, to try
and get something out of it

for myself,
something outta life.

- So don't you get enough
outta your teaching?

- I was so locked
into my teaching,

that that was the only
thing that existed.

- You said was, and existed,
you put it in the past tense.

- I am a teacher.

- Yeah, why aren't you
locked up in it now?

- I am.

- Well you said
was, which is it?

- I am.
- I am, I am.

That's all you ever
say, "I am a teacher."

Now you just finished
saying that you use things.

Can you explain how you're
using your teaching?

- How do you use your children?

- That's different,
I don't use them.

- Hey Jennifer, how are
you using the group?

- To try and solve my problems.

- How would you
feel about talking

about some of those problems?

- Well lately I've been
having these problems,

like these blackouts for
like, three or four days,

and I can't go out.

- You've been having blackouts,

and you've had more than one?

- How long has
this been going on?

I mean, how often
do you have them?

- For a long time.

- What, what, what does
your school say about this?

How can you do this?

- Yeah, do you ever have
them in the classroom?

Like in the middle of class?

- I mean, you've been
coming here this whole time

and you've never mentioned to
us that you have blackouts?

- Have you ever had one
in an marathon meeting-

- I lied to you, for
like eight months

I've been coming here,
and I've been lying.

- What about?

- What have you been
lying to us about?

- I'm not teaching.

- Were you fired?
- What happened?

- Why were you lying to us?

- I lied.

- You mean for eight months
you've been coming here

and giving us this shit?

- You know that all
you ever say to us is-

- Just leave me alone!

- "I am a teacher, I am a."

- Look.
- Just leave me alone.

- That's why we come
here, to ask questions.

- Leave me alone, okay?

Please just leave me alone.

- You don't have
to talk about it.

- You don't have to.
- Shit.

- What's your reaction
to what just happened?

How are you feeling
towards Jennifer?

- I feel sorry for her, and I,

I feel guilty that
we pushed her.

- Will you help me, Bud?
- Guilty, that we pushed her?

(Christine gasping)

She's been here
for eight months.

I'm surprised she said anything.

I'm surprised we did anything
here, actually. (chuckling)

Were you aware like, you know,
we were helping you along,

and working together
and everything?

We weren't so cold and detached.

I was impressed, but it
sort of embarrasses me also,

because I, having ignored
you the other evening

at the restaurant.

- Oh, I didn't know
you two were dating.

- No, my wife and I were
out dancing, breaking it up.

And we stopped in
this restaurant,

and Pete and his
wife were in there.

- Oh yeah, what
does she look like?

Teased hair, anklets?
- Yeah.

(group members laughing)

- Well your, your
basic ah, stewardess.

Something you'd
find in Woolworth's.

No, very lovely, very warm.

But I was laboring
under a bad thing,

because there I was,
Charlie patient.

And immediately I thought
that you and your wife

must have some sort of
in-jokes about your patients.

And besides that, you were
quarreling quite a bit.

- You know-

- Just slammed down the
menu with such passion I-

- I noticed-
- Just had to turn away.

- I noticed you in
the restaurant coming
towards my table.

- Great.

- I turned around
to look at you,

and you turned away
and you walked out.

- Well, I thought
you were quarreling.

- I couldn't make any sense?

- He didn't wanna bust
up a hot argument.

- Okay.

- It seemed to be going so well.

- Okay, even if we were
quarreling, why would that,

why would that freak you out?

- I guess I've had enough

of hearing people
quarrel, you know?

Even though I have
admired it from afar,

and I always know that,

I guess you have to care for
somebody to really quarrel.

But my folks used to quarrel.

Not a lot, but it
was an event, right?

I don't know, he'd get mad
over a bent can of peas

in the front row or something,

and he would brood
for a couple days,

and all of a sudden all
hell would break loose,

and I end up in the
toilet, shaking.

But I finally
realized that it was

a fertility rite, you know?

But still, I always felt that,

I didn't know if it
was gonna break up,

or I had done something
wrong or, it scared me.

- You mean, so that my
quarreling with my wife

reminded you of your
family's quarreling,

and that's what bugged you?

- It's just something that,
I don't know, that scares me.

I always, I don't know, I
guess when you're a kid,

you always think it's your fault

when your folks are
quarreling or something.

I don't what it is
it's, I don't know.

- So he could punch
your mother, right?

Or walk out on you.
- Sure.

- That's scary, that's scary.

- So the scary part
then is like a,

a sort of a feeling of
your family falling apart?

Sensing that your family's-

- Family, anything, a group.

- Or a group?
- Sure.

- Are you on medication, Chris?

- Oh, I am feeling no pain,

and neither is any baby.

- What do you mean, baby?

How do you know it's
not feeling any pain?

- There isn't gonna be any baby.

- Honey, you don't get that size

'cause you're not having a baby.

I mean, you are having
a baby, that's a fact.

- That's a fact, you
want another fact?

It's dead.
- Oh, such drama.

It's not dead.
- It is.

- Christine, why do you refuse
to believe it's gonna live?

- 'Cause the damage
has been done.

I've been doing it
to myself all along.

- What?

- I'm still shooting.

- Lovely.
- On top of the medication?

That's very good.

It's not like, you know,
you don't have any money.

I mean, your father would give
you bread, a place to stay.

I mean, it's not like
you're wandering around

in a gutter someplace.

- You get your big
old private room

in the hospital, you know?

- That's one thing
about rich people.

They have terrific places
where you can go and dry out.

You can have nurses
around the clock,

basking you with cold
water, understand?

We're tired of listening
to your junkie babble, man.

- Believe me I was, I was tired
of it the day I came here.

I got a guest house
over the garage,

and I can go live up there

and have a maid come and
shoot me and the baby up.

- Oh, you're such a comedian.

You, you, it seems to me you
can, for once in your life,

you've got a decision to
make, all by yourself.

You're the only one
that can make it.

So why don't you just
make it, instead of,

instead of carrying on like
some lunatic heroin freak, man.

- That's great,
sticks and stones.

That's it, break my bones,
beat the shit outta me.

- Chris, you know
I'd do it right now,

if I thought it'd
do you any good.

- Can you dig that
we don't enjoy

having you come week
after week after week,

cranking out your, your litany,
your newsletter of despair?

And we're standing around
watching you kill a baby.

- What could she do, Bill?

- I'll tell you what you can do.

You can make up your
mind right now to kick.

You can make that decision, you
can just make that decision.

And, and I'll sit here
in this room with you.

I'll, I'll stay in
this house with you.

I'll take you home to my house.

I'll sit with you for a week,
two weeks, whatever it takes.

But I cannot leave here
knowing that you're,

that you're gonna
be shooting because,

because I can't live
with myself knowing,

it makes me feel
like a murderer, man.

- Don't feel guilty for me.

I don't want anybody's guilt.

- Guilt? I feel responsible
for you, I care about you.

I, I, I don't wanna leave
here knowing that you've,

you're gonna piss
your life away.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

- Chris, I wonder if
you've been able to hear

any of the things Bill's
been trying to say to you?

I wonder if you have
any awareness of the way

the group feels about
you, or how they see you.

- Does the group have any
awareness of how I see them?

- Chris, just how do you see us?

- Do you really wanna know?

Who do I start with?

- I don't care,
just get into it.

- It's like a fairy tale.

I mean like, you're
all sitting around,

and you're talking
about your progress.

It's like outta
that, that thing.

What's that, the
last scene outta

"The Wizard of Oz", you know?

Like, they're all
standing around

and they all have their parts,
and now they can go home.

You're like the Tin Man.

(chuckling) Bill,
you finally realized

that you have a heart, but
it prefers men, accept it.

Scarecrow, that's you.

Now you have your own brain,
you're thinking for yourself.

Mm, Glen ah, Cowardly Lion.

You know, you need
all those people

around you all the
time for your courage.

But now you're out on your own,

and you got your
own roar, you know?

- Chris, how would
you like to know

how the group feels about you?

- And you were the great Oz,

until somebody
pulled the curtain.

- Do you wanna know how
the group feels about you?

- Yeah, I can hear
you, over and out.

How are you feeling, group?

- Forgive me I, I
resented you because

your parents gave you
everything and mine didn't.

But you're more than
you think you are.

And what you said before about
my just having to accept,

it was groovy, thank you.

- Okay, you're shooting.

I don't know if you're
expecting medals,

or something like that.

There's always somebody
who's done it better.

I went through a time
when was doing it.

I didn't care, right?

It wasn't like a sunny day
and brass bands and I cared.

And the train was there
every day, and it's hard,

but ah, maybe I got tired.

Maybe I got tired of
rotting something away in me

that was good, you know?

You gotta find that.

- I have something I
wanna say to Jennifer.

We, I don't know.

I just became like
everybody else, you know?

I, I pushed you.

And but I, I didn't
mean to hurt you.

You know I just, I
just meant to tell you

that it's okay to
open up, you know?

Like, especially here,
because you know,

we're all in the same
boat, nobody's to get you.

- Yeah Jennifer, I think
the most important thing

that people can do, you know,

is communicate
feelings, you know?

Even if it is like Dale and I.

You know, we fight a lot,

but at least we're
getting out what we feel.

- Bill, you're great, but
you're a puppy dog, man.

You'll do anything just
to fit in, you know?

I, sometimes I think that you
even tried to kill yourself

just because you didn't fit in

with whatever you thought
you had to fit in with.

But if you have to give
up your sensitive feelings

just to fit in with people, I
don't think that's worth it.

And they're always willing
to take them away from you.

- Dale um, I really can't say
that I like you, you know?

'Cause I think you've
been using, you know,

Black people for your own thing.

But you are a strong
person, got a lot of energy.

And whenever, you know, direct
that energy on yourself,

instead of worrying
about everybody else,

you're gonna be together.

- I have so much
to say to you I,

but I can't even say anything,

except I wish you'd
learn to lose.

Because like, when you're wrong,

you fight with such vehemence,

even though you
know you're wrong.

And I just can't comprehend

what this incredible
pride is all about.

- Your pride, God,
it's all you got left.

Cops got guns, all
people got left is pride.

I love pride.

When I first got here man,
you know, like I always,

I identified with you a lot.

It was easiest.

I've never taken
as much punishment

as you have man, on any level.

Being a Black man, I would
never know what it's like,

and I don't even really
care to get into it.

But what I've learned from you,

and you've never
known it, is a music.

God, when you get loose,

when you don't worry
about what you're saying,

your instincts or
anything like that.

You're mad, you're
apologizing, anything.

It's just, it's,
it's such a music.

- I'm gonna let you
have it, because,

like I know if I came to
the next marathon and said,

"Oh, I've been putting
you on this whole time.

I'm not a fag, I never have
been, it's just been an act,"

there'd be some
basis for friendship.

So there's a stupid barrier
that exists between us,

based on, I don't
even know what,

I don't even understand what.

And uh, like, I really love you.

I don't mean sexually,
so I don't get excited.

I mean, I don't
know, I've seen you,

and I've seen you
feel towards me.

So cut the bullshit.

- Pete, you're
just like Jennifer,

I don't know thing
about you, I don't know.

I don't know if I
should or not, I mean,

but it bothers me, you know?

That I don't know
anything about you.

- Well-

- But I don't know whether
I love you or I hate you or,

but I guess you've handled us,

you've handled me
anyway, pretty well.

- Me too.

I'm gonna be honest.

I think when I first came here.

I didn't like you, so I
didn't like you at all,

'cause I thought you were,
you know, playing this image,

what doctors are supposed to be.

Sorta cold and detached,
and the more I came

and the more I got to know you,

I found out that, that's
just the way you are.

(Bud and Christine laughing)

So it's cool, cat.

You're okay, doc.

Don't leave me hanging, mother.

(soft gentle poignant music)

(soft gentle poignant
music continues)

(soft gentle poignant
music continues)