Who's on Top? (2020) - full transcript
Who's on Top? LGBTQs Summit Mt. Hood features emotional stories of members of the LGBTQ community who challenge stereotypes about gender and sexuality, and demonstrate their diverse journeys in overcoming physical and figurative mountains.
I see Mount Hood every
day when I go to work,
when I come home from work.
I believe that there
are stories in the land.
And when we are quiet
enough and still enough,
we can experience that
energy in a deeper way.
Coming out and climbing
Mount Hood are incredibly
similar in the fact that
they're both pretty hard climbs.
I want to climb
Mount Hood because I
want to be a part of a
team of queer climbers.
And climbing something that
is within all of our backyards
is beautiful.
Standing on the summit of
Mount Hood, the highest
point in Oregon at 11.245
feet, is a lifelong dream
for many aspiring mountaineers.
This mountain was
first known as Wy'east.
The ancestral lands of
the Multnomah, Kalapuya,
and Molalla people,
among others.
Mount Hood attracts more
than 10.000 climbers a year.
Making it the most visited
snow-covered peak in America.
Mount Hood is the second most
climbed mountain in the world.
Second only to Japan's
holy Mount Fuji.
John Muir wrote that
Mount Hood gives
a supreme touch of grandeur to
all the main Columbia views.
Rising at every turn,
solitary, majestic,
awe-inspiring, the ruling
spirit of the landscape.
In the fall of 2018, a small
group from the LGBTQ community
decided they wanted
to summit Mount Hood.
My name is Ryan Stee.
I'm 44.
And I'm gay for dudes.
Hi.
I'm Shanita King.
I am 44 years old and I'm queer.
My name is Stacey Rice.
I'm 61 years old.
And I'm transgender.
Holy shit.
My name is Taylor Feldman and
I'm a 28-year-old queer woman.
"Who's on top?"
becomes an anthem for the group.
The four will go
through the process
and define what "Who's on top?"
means for each of them.
This is kind of
old coffee, is it?
1 liter.
What is that?
Good morning.
How are you?
I'm ready to go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
I already made my
first faux paus.
That's right.
I told you, I have
the same jacket.
So for our trip to summit Mount
Hood, it's an early start.
It's what we call
an alpine start
and we leave at about midnight.
And alpine starts
can range any time
between midnight and 4:00 AM.
Any time when you really
shouldn't be awake.
I usually try to catch a few
hours of sleep at the trailhead
before I go up on a climb.
So at least I have a few hours
of rest under my belt. Usually
that means sleeping in my
car or camping next to my car
or something at the trailhead.
It takes about an hour
for me, typically,
to get my boots on and
get my head in the game.
Prepping everything before
you start to ascend.
And you're doing in the
middle of the night.
So your brain is
already a little foggy.
So it's really important to be
super organized ahead of time
so that you're not trying
to figure out where one
of your remaining carabiners
are at 12:30am in the morning.
I don't know.
We'll be ascending the
south side of Mount Hood.
And for the first third
or so, it's a ski resort.
And so climbers have
a special groomed path
over to the right
side of the ski resort
that we will walk up.
I'm sure we won't be the only
ones on the mountain that day.
Fridays leading into the
weekend are typically,
a pretty busy day.
Especially if it's supposed
to be nice weather.
It'll be completely dark.
Hopefully there will be
moonlight or starlight
and we'll have good views.
But for the most
part, you're just
looking at the small little orb
of light that's in front of you
from your headlamp.
Based on the 1:00 AM
start time, the team
should arrive at the
Silcox Hut at 2:30 AM.
As they make their
way up the mountain,
they will have to manage a
consistent marathon pace.
Their physical endurance, heat
management, and mental fitness
will be tested.
By 5:00 AM, they should be
on top of the Palmer lift.
6:30 AM is the targeted time
for getting to Devil's Kitchen.
The team plans to
summit by 8:00 AM.
Then you want to
get off of there
pretty soon after sunrise.
Because mountains
are held together
by snow and water
and ice and you
want it to be as
solid as possible.
One climber died on Tuesday
after falling at least 700 feet
on Oregon's Mount Hood.
I want to summit Mount Hood,
but there are some risk factors
and some dangers.
Mount Hood has
taken another life.
A climber from Idaho was
killed when he fell there
just this morning.
I am aware of the dangers
of summiting Mount Hood.
Mount Hood, of
course, no stranger
to tragedy involving climbers.
Tragically, four people
died there last year.
The dangers of summiting
Mount Hood doesn't scare me.
Those concerns are
pretty small compared
to be able to stand
on top of Mount Hood.
I think that would be pretty
awesome cool, I think.
I'm a climbing guide and so I've
climbed Mount Hood three times,
on three different routes, three
different times in the season
over the past couple of years.
And climbed a lot
of other volcanoes.
Well aware of all
the risks involved.
I don't necessarily see a
big spirit of inclusivity
in mountaineering.
It's a pretty white
male-dominated sport.
I think in mountaineering,
there's, sort of,
an old guard of older men that
are a little bit of gatekeepers
on the mountain and may not
make people feel welcome.
It's hard, though.
Because mountaineering,
a lot of the time,
you'll have so many layers
on you can't tell who's who.
So in that way, it's safer
for people who look different.
You can hide a
little bit, I guess,
but I don't want
that to be the case.
I don't want people
to feel like they
have to hide themselves in
order to feel comfortable
in the outdoors.
That goes against
my entire mission
of why I lead trips and the
way that I operate trips.
When I grew up and
probably the age I grew up,
I noticed things have changed
a lot in the gay community.
If I could pass as straight,
if I could be straight-acting,
that was, like, a
crown achievement.
I personally find
it really inspiring
when I see someone who's
very out in the outdoors.
I'm like, yes.
You are like me.
And I think that that's really
important for the future
of the sport.
White cis males can't
run the show forever.
Sorry, guys.
This painting is one of
my most vulnerable pieces
that I've worked on.
She's expressing something
in a very powerful way.
To me, having the
courage to use my voice
and to have the courage to
work through some of the fears
that I've been limited
by in my existence.
When I began doing my meditative
art practice for myself,
I began working with the heart.
Visually it's very pleasing.
I like the curves.
I'm originally from
South Carolina.
Any time I'm in
nature, I get floods
of creativity and inspiration
for drawing and painting.
It also makes me think
about my ancestors that
have passed away.
And just feeling a little
bit closer to them.
Since I've been
in Portland, I've
been really finding
my creative voice.
Created many murals.
The day before
the 4th of July, I
was painting a mural
on Alberta Street.
Two men walked past me
while I was painting
and made a couple of remarks.
They were like nice job,
or something like that.
And two hours later, the
same two men come back.
And they're like
staggering and red-faced
at this point and
reeked of alcohol.
They started just saying all
of these inappropriate racial
slurs to me.
And I felt very unsafe
and uncomfortable.
And I'm trying not
to engage with them.
And so as I'm in the process
of packing up my things,
I get knocked over
onto the sidewalk.
His whole body
slammed into mine.
I immediately got up and
they were both laughing
at what had just happened.
And I went inside the building.
They ended up leaving
before the police got there.
It was very frightening.
And I didn't want to actually,
go back to work on my mural
for like a month after
that because I was afraid.
Mount St. Helens, right after
that big storm in March,
John, I need a pep talk.
What do you need to hear?
That it's OK to go
at a slower pace.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, it's totally OK
to go at a slower pace.
Like Amber was saying
yesterday, the goal
is to hit that, sort of,
steady pace where you can still
hold the conversation,
but keep moving forward.
And trying to, like,
build up the the mental
Maybe baby steps while we talk?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So just not have to take
all those little break.
So just motivate yourself to
try to keep moving forward.
Even if it's like--
Even if it's slow.
Yeah.
I have to make
everything from scratch.
Just because I have a
lot of food allergies
and I like cooking.
I started cooking
many, many years ago
after my grandma, kind
of, inspired me to cook.
Because she was old school,
depression era and she
had to make everything
from scratch.
30 years that they didn't
have any money at all.
Literally no money.
So I watched her and I
got inspired to cook.
I'm from Prineville, Oregon.
It's a small town in
the middle of the state.
And it was mostly
lumber industry.
Very blue collar.
We had Les Schwab there.
That's where Les Schwab
actually lived there
and I served him ice cream.
I knew something was different
when I was about five.
I was pretty effeminate.
And I wanted the
home center, which
is like the little
kitchen because I
wanted to play restaurant.
I could set it all up and
then have an earthquake.
I spent a lot of time
with my mom and grandmas.
There's actually a point
where it all changed.
I remember running into
one of jocks in school
or whatever you call them.
As a person that gets
startled, I mean,
I kind of screamed
like a little girl.
But got really scared
because it startled me.
And from that point, the
target was put on me.
From sixth grade all the
way till my senior year
in high school,
it was relentless.
Faggot and being made fun of.
Every class, there
was the anxiety of OK.
I've got to get on the bus.
Got to get through the bus ride.
Got to get between
the bus and class.
I got to get through
first period.
Or third period's safe
because it's just my friends
and nobody wants
to take that class.
Lunch is safe because we
can go sit in the corner.
Being constantly hyper-aware
and having this constant fear of
are you going to get hit?
Are you going to get spit on?
I got spit on every day.
And you don't dare tell
an authority figures
because it makes you look weak.
By God, you're a man.
You're supposed to fight.
It has caused me to be
anxious my entire life.
I don't get to just relax
like everybody else does.
And--
My gosh.
Ryan, happy birthday yesterday.
What?
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Ryan.
Happy birthday to you.
I don't have those anymore.
You're older.
My god.
So old.
I'm 24.
Did you say 45?
Aren't you 43?
I'm 44.
Don't age me.
Sorry.
...mean you're 44.
The group takes
their first break
30 minutes into the journey.
How are we doing, you guys?
Glad we have poles.
Shan, how's your
tracking pole sitch'?
The professionals
are working on it.
They are off to a slow start.
Unfortunately, the first rest
stop is longer than planned.
As a result, they are
slightly behind schedule.
So just remember that
every time I've done this,
the sun did come out.
The darkness was
not ever-lasting.
Getting myself ready to go.
Think I'm going to put a
little snack in my pocket.
Got some dried chickpeas that
are calling my name right now.
Are you OK, Stacey?
I just scratched my arm
trying to get my pack on, so.
Love to hike.
I'm a hiker.
When I came to visit Portland
before I ever had even
thought about moving,
I just couldn't believe
there was all this available.
You know, I think certain
places are very sacred.
Whenever I'm in nature, I
feel that energy so deeply.
I like being in
very quiet places.
And I have found
over time that that's
when things start
flooding into my mind
about direction, about my
place in life, where I'm at,
what I'm struggling with.
And that it just kind of flows.
Just this kind of stream of
consciousness starts coming
and so I start writing.
And trying to write it all down.
As you can probably
tell from the accent,
I'm a Southern girl.
I was born in the mountains
of North Carolina.
It's very special to
grow up in the mountains.
I think there's an
incredible feeling that
becomes part of
your soul when you
look at your window every
day and see mountains--
Southern Appalachian
Mountains, which
are some of the
oldest in the world.
And so you can feel that energy.
It really got me
through a lot of my life
with my journey
and my struggles.
I was five years
old in 1962 when
I realized that something just
wasn't quite right in my world.
The whole world saw this
little cute little boy
with a big smile, but I deeply
knew that I was actually,
a little girl inside.
And it actually
wasn't until I was
10 years old that I actually
saw someone that was like me.
We were watching television.
And there was this news report
about Christine Jorgensen,
the most famous
person in the US who
had had what they called a sex
change operation at that time.
They had these before picture
of her as a male GI soldier
and here she was as this blonde
bombshell that was, kind of,
like these beautiful red lips.
And she just looked stunning.
She said when I
was a little boy,
I always felt like
a little girl.
And I could have
been tipped over
with a feather at that time.
Because, I mean, my God.
There was somebody else
besides me that felt this way?
I really felt I was the only one
in the world that actually had
this that I was dealing with.
I looked around to my family
to see if anybody had noticed
that I had reacted so deeply.
But no.
They hadn't noticed that.
Nobody said a word about
what this story was about.
I feel like on some level that
she really, kind of, gave me
an amazing life
preserver at that time.
And I always wonder all
the other trans folks
that she gave that to, as well.
Or whether she even
ever knew that.
My pole doesn't stick.
Not that way.
You can kick this way
Just keep moving left.
OK.
Much better.
There you go.
Thank you.
The first time I
went climbing, it
was ladies climbing night in
the gym in Downtown Olympia.
And I convinced my college
roommate to take me.
And she had never
climbed before, either.
And I'd never been
in a group of women
that were all together
and also supportive.
And there was lots of wine
and lots of chocolate and lots
of raffle prizes.
And everyone was so happy
to be there with each other.
I never really
experienced that before.
So I bought a
membership that night.
I didn't have any
gear whatsoever
and I borrowed a friend's
shoes for a few weeks
until I won a
bouldering competition
and won my first pair of shoes.
And then I got a harness
and I started top roping.
And then I started
lead climbing.
And just, sort
of, everything was
trying to get to the next level
so that I could do mountains.
And here I am.
Just doing mountains.
My childhood experience
was growing up
in the suburbs of
Chicago, Illinois.
I had had girlfriends
in the past that,
like, swapping
coming out stories.
And what was your
coming out story?
And I was like,
I didn't have one.
My family's really progressive.
Like, we're super liberal.
Didn't need it.
I was kind of wrong about that.
While I do have a
really liberal family
and I did grow up in
an environment that
was really supportive of gay
rights and of gay marriage,
it came as a shock to my family
to actually hear those words.
Even though I'd assume
that they knew already.
I was wrong.
It did create a conflict
for a little while.
Mostly with my mom.
Using the word queer
is hard for her.
Because I think it's
a generational shift
of using the word
queer nowadays,
as sort of an overarching
word for the LGBTQ movement
and members of that community.
And for her, it was like it
was a horrible word to use.
It was like saying
the N-word for her.
And so it's been a
big challenge for her
to use the word
queer to describe me.
I think probably what
was part of the problem
in the first place, not
telling her about people
that I was dating actually
encouraged the belief
that I was just dating men.
I mean, we didn't speak
for a little while.
And I really needed
her during that time.
And it took a while for
me to open back up to her.
To feel like I could
trust her, again.
Trust her response.
I don't know at what point I
really, like, fully trusted
her, again, or trusted
our relationship,
but it definitely took a while.
Several years.
And as you can see, I'm
still hurt about it.
Coordinate with the
guides and get...
gear and communicate with
the clients on where to be.
And...
when we'll be there.
And that's full-time?
Mountaineering is a team sport.
The pace is set by the
slowest team member.
And splitting up makes
summiting a challenge.
How are you doing, Ryan?
My toes are a little cold.
Just a little cold.
Toes?
There's no, like, little
fireplace for my toes
doing this.
I'd like to keep going a
little bit more to keep warm.
I tend to heat up
and cool down fast.
Whoops.
And then you fall in the snow.
It's good.
It's all good.
The guides are starting to feel
a bit uneasy about the pace.
I, personally, don't
feel comfortable
doing that because
that'll take me out
of alignment with my pace.
Because I'll feel pressured.
From the people behind me
that are probably faster.
Just know that I'm going to
be slow, but I'll be steady.
Climbing Mount Hood safely
requires three elements
of preparedness.
First and foremost, the
physical fitness of the team
is paramount.
The route to the summit
is 3 and 1/2 miles long,
with an elevation gain
of more than 5.000 feet.
This is a daunting endeavor.
And becomes increasingly
difficult as climbers
descend into elevations
of decreased oxygen.
A summit is only halfway,
as climbers still
must descend safely.
Most injuries occur
during the descent.
When climbers are physically
and mentally exhausted.
Secondly, there are technical
mountaineering skills
which are required for
a successful climb.
Skills such as snow travel
using crampons, navigating
glaciated terrain on rope
teams, and self-arresting
using an ice ax are some of the
basic skills needed to summit.
The third element is
mental resilience.
The physical exhaustion
of climbing a mountain
can cause people to
mentally shut down.
This can cause accidents
and could put the team
in dangerous situations.
Mental training is an important
part of the trip preparation.
Here I was, given
this opportunity
to climb Mount Hood.
And I was in decent shape,
but I wasn't real sure
that I was climbing an
11.000 foot mountain shape.
It's a little bit
different for everybody
depending on where everyone's
base level of fitness is.
Some folks are going
to need to focus more
on cardio if they
haven't introduced that
into their daily life.
Mostly, it's your legs.
You'll see, it's like
a marathon runner.
They've got enormous quads.
That's we're going to be like.
Most of these people haven't
done anything like this before.
So making sure that we are
preparing them ahead of time
is really going to
minimize the risk
once we're on the mountain.
I started trying to do the
outlined suggested workouts,
but I decided to
modify and do it
in ways that felt
more authentic for me.
I've been working out about
seven to nine times a week.
Stairmaster.
My yoga practice.
Doing stairs at the stadium.
Strength exercises.
Just finding as many
opportunities as I
can for walking and hiking.
And then also going to my
gym as much as possible.
I'm feeling really good.
Really confident.
Feeling really
strong in my body.
There's an incredible
bike they have
at the gym I go to that actually
has like a video game on it
that you can actually
punch up and bike the cycle
through the Mayan temples.
Which is kind of fun.
I'm a little nervous
because I'm asthmatic.
So altitude and speed
are not my friend.
But I've got a bunch of other
people that can carry me up--
I mean, rely on--
to help me get to the top.
Hiking is a foundational
skill in mountaineering.
As a part of the overall
training program,
the team got together
at Powell Butte.
It's one of the most
beautiful hikes in Portland
with views of Mount Hood.
Two months before
the summit, the group
had their first on
snow training session
on Mount St. Helens, assisted by
a couple of volunteer trainers.
This is your spike and
this is your shaft.
This little aluminum
thing goes through your--
what would that be called?
Your "ax hole"?
This is the time where we...
And you're going to
be really unhappy
and you're going mad at
Taylor for 15 minutes.
And then I promise,
you will forgive me.
We will warm up.
And instead of taking micro
breaks every so often,
like to adjust layers,
we want to do it
before we actually get cold or
before we get hot, before you
get sweaty as much as possible.
It was a bluebird Saturday
in March, with the sun
out as if it were summertime.
The hike up to Chocolate
Falls is 2 miles,
with 1.000 foot elevation gain.
I actually had one
meltdown on the mountain.
I think I slept maybe
two or three hours
the night before
because I was just
really excited to get there
and to start the training.
There was one portion,
my energy level
was starting to get depleted.
And I was starting to get
overheated because I was also
wearing too many layers.
Taylor and I stopped and let
the group go ahead of us.
After I was able to reset
and she was like, OK.
Let's start moving at your pace.
You practice yoga, why don't
you sync your movements
with your breath.
And that clicked for me.
And so from there, I
began to actually do
like a moving meditation.
Take it more slowly when
we go more at an incline.
Does that sound good?
Sounds great.
My whole perspective with the
rest of the journey shifted.
And I was able to
actually, be more present
and to get more enjoyment out
of the rest of the time at Mount
St. Helens.
The literal imagery for the
struggles that we've all
had in our lives.
It could be...
I never thought
I'd be doing this.
If they could see you now.
Look at me.
Is this tight?
Great.
This training was a way for the
team to test out their gear,
carry heavy packs,
and traveling on snow.
They learn proper ice
ax handling skills,
how to self-arrest,
and practice repelling.
Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick.
Goes right up there.
A part of the training
for the summit climb
was a group session
at Evolution Fitness.
The altitude room simulates an
oxygen deficient environment
similar to that found in
mountainous environments.
Training with decreased
oxygen is used as a tool
to trigger physiological
changes in the body that are
aimed at improving performance.
Almost three years ago, I
actually had a heart attack.
My heart capacity is not what
it was before my heart attack.
I've been trying to
work out really hard.
You know, there's days that you
don't want to go to the gym.
For me, at least, the pressure
of knowing that this is coming.
You miss a day, that's
one less day you've
had to get yourself in shape.
Alpine starts are very
unnatural for most people.
This is especially true for
first-time mountaineers.
Taylor and the
volunteer trainers
established a program
using an alpine start
to mimic the summit day.
The objective of
the training was
to push the mental
toughness of the team.
Today I'm wearing
haute couture tutu.
And this is my summit tutu.
I wear it on every climb.
People think that you have to
be really masculine outdoors.
And I am here to tell you that
you can prance your way up
the mountain in style.
People don't really realize
that mountain climbing
is such a mental game.
And there's a huge
physical component to it,
but it's a slow sport.
You are walking up a
hill very, very slowly.
Step, breathe.
Step, breathe.
And that's going to be
our pace the whole time.
Because we're hiking
for a long time.
So.
And I think that, in itself,
is difficult for people
that are used to more
high impact sports.
This is like a low, slow payoff.
And doing it in the
middle of the night
can really mess with
people's emotions.
People behave differently
when they're sleep deprived.
And you fumble.
And it's cold.
And it's dark.
And getting used to how exactly
you're packing your backpacks
that you know where
your headlamp is,
where your snacks are,
where your water is.
Everything that you
need for the actual day,
you need to know
where that system is
so that you're not fumbling
on the side of a mountain.
Because when you do that,
you're using up valuable time
and energy in the middle of the
night when you don't need to.
And you should be
like, have your system
dialed for the first
couple of hours of climbing
until the sun rises.
Until you get light
and then you start
to get some of that energy
back before the summit,
when it really matters.
And getting back down.
Well, we are hiking at 3:30
in the morning in the dark
up towards the
top of Mount Hood.
The wind's blowing
pretty briskly.
My jaws feel very close so I
don't know if more words are
coming through.
I kind of like the
fact that you can only
see so far in front of you.
So you just keep plugging away
and not looking up and saying,
my god.
There's so much more to go.
No.
You just have right
here in front of you.
So Shanita's going down.
She is not feeling well today.
She doesn't feel safe ascending
for the rest of the night.
So we're going to continue
the training without her.
She and Rebecca
are going to chill
in my car for a little while.
Get a little nap.
At the end, we're going
to do skill building close
to the lodge so she wants
to stick around for that.
Where's Stacey?
Just beyond these
trees, Silcox Hut
is right at the
middle mark of that.
The top of Palmer is
where the chairlift ends.
So just to give you a
little bit of perspective
of how much we walked today
is only up to that far.
Like, things just
take a lot more time.
I will.
In addition to mental
toughness, the goal
is to teach technical skills
such as rope team travel
and knot tying.
And to build confidence
traveling on snow.
Long story short,
but I ended up--
I got back into town
yesterday, a few hours
before this journey.
And I did not actually
have time to sleep at all.
As I started progressing,
I just didn't feel safe.
And my vision was
kind of scaring me.
And so, I just had
to make a decision.
And I don't know
why, but I'm just
learning to trust my intuition.
And my intuition was just
giving me a really strong no.
Got a little rest and was
very happy to join you all.
That is all.
One, two, three, who's on top?
Many mountaineers use
rock climbing techniques
to advance their alpine goals.
Take it about wingspan's
length of rope.
Planet Granite provided an
opportunity for the team
to train and practice
rock climbing.
Lovely scarf and
the carrot nose.
The carrot nose.
Pull them through.
This training allowed the
team to practice skills
such as rope management,
belaying with a harness,
and trusting your belay partner.
This was a significant
experience for Stacey,
as she had never
done this before.
The final leg to the summit
of Mount Hood is steep.
And poses significant
danger to the climb.
The team will mitigate this
risk by roping up and using
a belay system to get
through the Pearly Gates.
Rock climbing further
prepares the team
for this technical section.
Get me down.
Sliding.
As a part of the
training process,
there is a final
assessment to determine
the physical strength,
stamina, endurance,
and to ensure that everyone can
ascend at an appropriate pace.
With 3 1/2 miles and 3.000
feet in elevation gain,
reaching the summit at Dog
Mountain in three to three
and a half hours is considered
the benchmark to simulate
the demands of
summiting Mount Hood.
Ryan and Stacey set
out in torrential rain
to attempt to summit
this small mountain.
In spite of the
difficult weather,
Ryan and Stacey,
make it to the summit
in less than three hours.
This is a good precedent
for their Mount Hood summit.
How's our pace?
Right now, the thing
that I'm worried about
is the starting and stopping.
People to find their rhythm and
their temperature regulation.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Ate a handful of those
chickpeas and then I
was like trying to get
over the stomach feeling.
The worst case, I'll puke.
The team is now
two hours behind.
The summit guides have
a meeting to evaluate
the risk and feasibility
of continuing
to push toward the summit.
One thing we were
just thinking about
is we've made about
500 feet in an hour.
So we're way under.
We're about half hour
pace that we need to be.
It would still
probably put us short
of the summit for the
timing that we want to be.
Right now, I don't feel 100%
confident with keeping up
with the pace I need to
in the allotted of time.
But I don't want to rob someone
else of being able to summit.
If you know in your
brain you're not
going to go full push to the
summit, then you can say OK.
I'm going to go for the
next hour or half an hour
and just go as high as I
can and then enjoy the view.
And that's a personal summit.
That's a high point.
There's nothing to
be ashamed about.
Yeah.
Totally.
I don't want to rob anyone
of being able to see
the summit if I can't do it.
Yeah.
Totally.
So maybe I should just call it?
I choose to look at
this mountain with all
of our obstacles and challenges
as opportunities for growth.
I was able to overcome
and to keep climbing.
Even though I didn't
summit Mount Hood,
I have reached a beautiful
milestone in my life.
As the summit leader, Taylor
abandons her summit attempt
in order to accompany Shanita
back to the parking lot.
She sacrifices herself so
that the rest of the team
can continue with
all three guides.
As they're rolling me
up to the cardiac floor,
I couldn't decide what
was actually worse.
Having a heart attack
or actually being
transgender in that hospital.
The heart surgeon comes in
and this tell me, well, we
found this blockage.
We can't put a stint
in and so we're
going to have to do two
bypasses in your surgery.
And my friend Elizabeth
asks the doctor a question.
Like, well, what
is Stacey's diet
should be after she gets
out of the hospital?
And he said, well, he'll
be able to do this,
and he'll be able to do that,
and he'll be able to eat this.
And I'm looking around thinking
who is this person talking to?
I mean, my coworker
Justin was there.
And I thought, well, why
is he talking about Justin?
I don't understand.
And so one of my other
co-workers that was there
said, wait.
It's she, not he.
And he goes yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He'll be able to do this.
He'll be able to do that.
Starting right
back in it, again.
I was trying to debate whether
to start yelling and cussing
him out and weighing
that against the fact
that I might have
another heart attack.
Because they we're desperately
trying to keep me from having
another...
They were pumping me full
of some kind of stuff that
was supposed to keep me from
having another heart attack.
I was so angry.
And I finally said stop.
I says you know
you're messing up.
Right?
I says, why do you
keep saying this?
And he got so flustered
and said, well, maybe I'm
not the surgeon for you.
And turned around and
walked out of the room.
I sat there for a
minute thinking no.
This...
Anybody that acts the
way this doctor does
has something against
a trans person.
Because he didn't even attempt
to try to honor who I was.
People may think that having
the right pronoun use maybe
is not that big of a deal.
But I'll tell you what, if
you're a transgender person,
if you're not using the pronoun
that they use themselves,
you're not respecting
that person.
You're not honoring that person.
All I could think of was
going into this surgery
with knowing that this
guy was operating on me.
And the fact that he
thought about me in the way
that he did.
I told my friends, I said
listen, I'm not afraid to die.
But I'm not going to die at his
hands, I'll tell you right now.
I had moved to Phoenix with my
parents when I was about 18.
And about 20 when I
came out of the closet.
Screaming out of the closet.
Flinging those
doors to the side.
Just saying I was gay
didn't make everything easy.
It was all these
layers of judgments
that I kind of had
to sift through.
I slipped into a
real deep depression.
I tried to self-medicate and
tried to numb the confusion.
I started to emotionally eat.
And I was up to, like, a pack
and a half of cigarettes a day
and a six-pack of beer
at least every night.
I was about 150 and I
gained about 60 pounds.
So my top weight was 212.
And I was, 5' 9.
Little guy.
I just realized I wasn't happy
and I needed to make a change.
On more than one
occasion, I have
received some discrimination
within the LGBT community.
I think people have a vision
that all of the letters
alphabet get along
so great together.
Well, that's not so true.
I think the only form
of discrimination
that I've experienced is the
idea of not being queer enough.
So not being visible enough.
If I'm dating a man at that
time, then, all of a sudden,
I'm seen as heterosexual.
And that can discount
my queerness.
I have some friends who refer
to themselves as lesbians
and they have judgment around
women that are bisexual.
Groups within our community,
like, we joke about each other.
Like, why would you
be friends with a lesbian?
You know?
We're gay men.
There's a pretty radical
part of the lesbian community
that really thinks trans women
are still actually just men.
And that we're
invading their space.
At the root of it all, it's just
like a lack of understanding.
I mean, trans folks, it's
identity-- gender identity.
The rest of the
alphabet's, pretty much,
sexual orientation.
So there's some friction
there about that at times.
Someone that
presents as feminine,
that identifies as female can
pass as straight really easily
and therefore is not recognized
by the queer community.
And that's a form
of invisibility.
And that's a form of,
like, minor oppression.
Dating at 212 pounds was tough.
Guys wouldn't take
a second look at me.
Right now, I would say that
I dress more androgynously.
But I still think I'm a
femme person, in general.
But knowing that
there was a word
and that there was other people
that felt femme invisibility
was really validating for me.
Because really, we're
just like anybody else.
I mean, we have the
same hopes and fears
and want love and closeness.
People just don't know us.
It's a bird.
It's a plane.
It's Taylor going up Mount Hood.
Defying the odds, Taylor rejoins
the group on the mountain
after escorting Shanita
to the parking lot.
Cannot maintain conversation.
Man, the alpenglow on this
mountain is just so, so epic.
But while I was hiking up,
I was looking for the lights
as a little beacon for my
progress slowly getting closer.
And I saw this huge
shooting star just cross
the entirety of Mount Hood.
It was very, very special.
All right.
The woods are
where I love to be.
I feel at home there.
Nature is where we're all equal.
Because nature
just doesn't care.
I grew up in the woods.
That's where I would take
my dog when I was a kid.
Just to get away from the
fray and the craziness.
Being in nature
actually is my church.
Where I find my peace
and my centeredness.
When you go into
wilderness areas
and you're connecting with
that energy that's there,
I know one thing.
It fills my soul pretty deeply.
It also grounds me
incredibly well.
I can have been crazy
at work for weeks
and then go into a place like
wilderness and within a day,
feel all of that released.
And it's all gone.
And you're back to square
one, again, hopefully.
True leadership must
provide for the next decade
and not merely the next day.
And that is the
kind of leadership
that this Congress must provide.
The Wilderness Act was
put in place in 1964.
It states--
An act to establish a national--
preservation system--
For the permanent good--
Of the whole people--
And for other purposes.
I really like that term--
whole people.
That there was this grand
vision with this Wilderness Act,
especially at that particular
time in the US history.
The Civil Rights Act was
coming on after that.
Feels almost like a
noble thing, in a way.
The fact that these pockets
of amazing wilderness
were for everybody.
It's for all of us.
For everyone.
Not a select few.
But actually, everybody.
Regardless of race,
gender, sexuality.
Whether they're immigrants.
Whether they're
Indigenous people.
It's for everybody.
I don't know how
hard that is to get,
but people, it's for everybody.
The fact is that there
was the foresight
to see that these areas
should be protected.
I like to think of it
like for the trauma
that you take into those areas
that nature's kind of a salve
for that.
Given that the team is
now three hours behind,
they can barely take a
minute to enjoy the sunrise.
In order to prepare for the
icy portion of the summit,
they quickly put on crampons
and proactively wear
climbing harnesses.
Yeah.
Isn't it amazing
look down and see Mt.
Jefferson.
Yeah.
It's beautiful.
It's just stunning.
The climb up Mount
Hood is similar
to the difficult journey
of coming out and becoming
your true self.
When you think about,
I mean, really how
do you really change genders?
I mean, it just seems
so overwhelming to me
in such a deep way.
And it was so scary
to me, as well.
Because you're turning your
life upside down and inside out.
I had a big bushy black beard.
Had a great corporate job
where I traveled all the time.
I was in sales.
I would dress as my female
self every so often.
But the other 99% of my
life was as my male self.
And just not satisfying
and just not really--
it was just so depressing
and just so overwhelmingly--
such a burden.
I don't think I can
stress hard enough really,
how much of a burden it was
to carry this dual life.
One evening I was sitting in my
house back in North Carolina.
It was in the winter time.
I could remember just feeling
like the walls in my house
were just closing around me.
That I really ... suffocating
because of what I was carrying
with me.
I can remember walking outside.
And it was a typical North
Carolina mountain winter night
when those stars were just
so clear and it was so crisp.
Standing there looking up at
the stars and just saying,
you know?
I really only got
two choices here.
I says, I can either somehow,
in my wildest dreams,
try to figure out how to move
forward with this transition
and to become who
I knew that I was.
Or that I could
just kill myself.
And I'm here to tell you that
that second option sounded
really amazing.
It was the wave of peace
that washed over me
as I thought about
just ending it.
And that I wouldn't have
to think about this problem
anymore.
And that I wouldn't
have to deal with it.
I wouldn't have to carry
all this confusion and all
this just, horrific burden.
My god.
That felt so good.
It felt so good.
I just thought, my god.
Peace at last?
That would be-- I'd had no
peace since five years old.
And at that time, when this
happened, I was in my 30s.
So it'd been all this time, I
had not had any kind of peace.
But even...
you drop you heel...
I postponed transitioning
for a lot of years
because I didn't want to
lose my daughter, Natalie.
Her mom and I, we divorced.
Natalie was three years old.
I could sense that if
I went ahead and pushed
where I needed to go that I
would actually lose contact
with Natalie because
of just, the situations
around my divorce.
And in the anger that was there.
And I deeply knew that I
couldn't let that happen.
And all these years
later, I look back
and know why I did that.
Many years later, I was getting
ready to start hormones.
And I reached out to
her mom to say, hey--
Natalie was probably 15,
16, I guess, at that time.
I reached out to
her mom to say, hey.
I'm getting ready
to start hormones.
I'm going to transition.
And we...
I need to tell Natalie.
And she said-- she says,
well, Natalie already knows.
And I go, really?
I said, did you tell her?
And she goes no.
She said it was really funny.
She said she was actually
watching Oprah one day
and there were a
group of trans women
who were on her show
telling their stories.
And her mom said that halfway
through the Oprah show
that my daughter turned
around to her mom
and says that's exactly
what my dad's dealing with.
I had never shared
that with her.
And so she knew.
And since that amazing day,
she has never once rejected me
because I was trans.
She's-- which is--
that's not the typical story.
The team starts to
separate, again.
Leaving a large
gap between them.
Some of the group
members are starting
to feel the effects of
physical and mental exhaustion.
Which is then exacerbated
by altitude sickness.
How do you feel right now?
Drunk.
Nice.
In a good safe way.
In a good safe way.
Yeah.
I see the next flat place.
Ready to get there.
As they ascend,
they see that most
of the other teams
climbing the mountain
have already begun
their descent.
Having summited the
mountain hours before.
The summit is still in question.
Anybody else just feeling
like 10K is high enough?
Pretty high.
I'm feeling cold and strong.
Feel good to continue.
My fingies and toes are cold.
But when we're moving,
I'm like, I'm mobile.
So I feel strong.
Well, using the one to
ten, I think physically,
I'm probably about a five.
As long as I can stop and,
kind of, for five seconds
and keep going.
I guess, my question
would be, is that enough
to get to the summit, though?
Being at a five.
I think, mentally, I'm
in a pretty good place.
But it's just the physical part.
Right.
I'm feeling really good.
Better than I've felt in
long time so let's do it.
Nice.
Yeah.
This is good.
This is my happy place.
Every time I've
climbed a mountain,
it's not the summit
that I remember.
It's the process of
getting up there.
And you've done that.
After a long
deliberation period,
Stacey decides to
abandon the summit.
One, two, three.
Who's on top?
Yeah.
It's so cold.
...the encouragement
and the support.
You, too.
Thank you.
Who's on top?
It's more of a soul thing.
We've done on this
journey together.
The fact that I have gotten at
least to the highest place I
could get to soul-wise, gave it
my all and I gave it my best--
yeah.
I think I'm on top.
Yeah.
Even three and a half
hours behind schedule,
the cold alpine air holds
the snow and ice firm.
And allows the team to continue
their ascent with less risk.
Most of the injuries on Mount
Hood occur on the Hogsback.
The ridge becomes very steep.
And the run out on either side
lead to sulfuric sinkholes
called fumaroles, which
make rescue difficult.
In addition, the volcanic
gases are the strongest here
and stink of rotten eggs.
It's a little dangerous
because Mount St. Helens
erupted in 1984.
And Mount Hood is supposed to
be the next one that erupts.
Right?
So there's a little bit
of comfort and fear.
When I see Mount Hood, I
always get really excited.
Mostly when it's
covered in snow.
Because that means
that it's climbable.
And I just love the
way that it looks.
It looks like a children's
drawing of a mountain.
It's pointy.
And it has snow.
It's got glaciers.
And it's got rocks peeking out.
And it just looks like such
a quintessential mountain.
More than, I think, any
of the other Cascades.
Mount Hood is like
that person that you
see every day that you've
never stopped to meet.
And climbing it was a way
to actually go and meet
Mount Hood.
...like this.
Getting to the Pearly Gates,
this takes a lot of patience,
a lot of time, a
lot of strength.
And you have to do it.
There's no choice.
There's no elevator.
At three and a half
hours behind schedule,
the last and most difficult
portion of the climb
lies ahead for the
exhausted team.
Nature, in its complexity,
creates these special just,
outstandingly beautiful ice.
It looks like something
you get in the sea.
A pearl wall.
It's awesome.
I didn't know what the
struggle would be on the climb.
I didn't know if I would have
the energy to complete it.
That's just like coming out.
When you start at the
bottom of the mountain
or you start at the bottom
of trying to figure out
who you are, goodness.
It seems like you are summiting
the world's tallest mountain.
Who's on top?
Well, there is a definite
connotation there.
And I don't think we're
asking about that.
Heck yeah.
We did it.
Geoffrey Chaucer's
better late than never
idiom has never been
more applicable.
At four and a half
hours behind schedule,
the team makes it to the top.
My god.
What just happened?
I think we climbed the mountain.
I think who's on top
isn't about the summit.
Who's on top is about
your personal summit.
OK.
First impressions.
Tell us.
It's amazing.
Tell us what you see.
Tell the people what you see.
I see beautiful Oregon.
The most beautiful
state in the country.
Who's on top means being
the best person you can be.
I think everybody
has that option.
And I encourage everybody
to go through that journey.
I don't think you can always
be at the top of the mountain.
Because we still have
work to do on ourselves.
I'm, very much, on top of the
journey that I've gone through
to be in a space where
I'm at my personal best.
LGBTQ people have had to
climb some pretty hard and big
mountains to become
who you are, but that
doesn't stop the mountains.
They're still there.
You like to think they're not
as big as they used to be.
Certainly, the process
of climbing mountains
is really similar to the process
of coming out and staying out.
I mean, the climb itself
is an enormous metaphor.
Because the first third
to a half of the climb,
you're in the dark.
It's kind of scary.
You don't know
what you're doing.
Are you queer?
Are you not?
And then once you get
up higher, maybe you
start to come into yourself.
You get, maybe, you're
starting to come out
or you're starting to admit it
to yourself or to your loved
ones.
And then the sun starts to rise.
And you just see everything that
is available in front of you.
And you see that the
summit is so close.
And that this process
has all been worth it.
I've always wanted to
have something like this
that I connect with and that
you can just be at peace.
It's kind of awesome.
We can do our best
in trying to change
the world into acceptance, but
we can't do that on our own.
We have to have help.
When we're not there to defend
ourselves, or even when we are,
it's great if an ally
is there to cut out
the homophobic comments.
Especially when it
comes to conversations
around the LGBT community.
As trans folks, we're always
advocating for ourselves
constantly.
I encourage allies to
show up with kindness.
I have an uncle that voted
for Trump and lives in Kansas.
And my Trump-voting
uncle texted me and said,
I'm so proud of who you are.
And I'm so proud of
what you're doing.
And best of luck to all of you
and your friends on the climb.
And I love you so much.
And I just started weeping
as soon as he said that
and I got that text from him.
Because I really
never expected that.
Is there hope for us?
Yeah.
I think that my uncle texting
me that showed a lot of hope.
Even if it's one
person at a time,
that's kind of all the
change that we can do.
This is for all the folks
that went down early.
All the people that haven't
been able to come up here, yet.
All the people that
haven't been able to share
their stories like we have.
This is for you.
We love y'all.
Armistead Maupin wrote in More
Tales of the City, "being gay
has taught me tolerance,
compassion, and humility.
It has shown me limitless
possibilities of living.
It has given me people
whose passion and kindness
and sensitivity have provided
a constant source of strength.
Go out and be the first to
spread positive encouragement
to others in the world."
day when I go to work,
when I come home from work.
I believe that there
are stories in the land.
And when we are quiet
enough and still enough,
we can experience that
energy in a deeper way.
Coming out and climbing
Mount Hood are incredibly
similar in the fact that
they're both pretty hard climbs.
I want to climb
Mount Hood because I
want to be a part of a
team of queer climbers.
And climbing something that
is within all of our backyards
is beautiful.
Standing on the summit of
Mount Hood, the highest
point in Oregon at 11.245
feet, is a lifelong dream
for many aspiring mountaineers.
This mountain was
first known as Wy'east.
The ancestral lands of
the Multnomah, Kalapuya,
and Molalla people,
among others.
Mount Hood attracts more
than 10.000 climbers a year.
Making it the most visited
snow-covered peak in America.
Mount Hood is the second most
climbed mountain in the world.
Second only to Japan's
holy Mount Fuji.
John Muir wrote that
Mount Hood gives
a supreme touch of grandeur to
all the main Columbia views.
Rising at every turn,
solitary, majestic,
awe-inspiring, the ruling
spirit of the landscape.
In the fall of 2018, a small
group from the LGBTQ community
decided they wanted
to summit Mount Hood.
My name is Ryan Stee.
I'm 44.
And I'm gay for dudes.
Hi.
I'm Shanita King.
I am 44 years old and I'm queer.
My name is Stacey Rice.
I'm 61 years old.
And I'm transgender.
Holy shit.
My name is Taylor Feldman and
I'm a 28-year-old queer woman.
"Who's on top?"
becomes an anthem for the group.
The four will go
through the process
and define what "Who's on top?"
means for each of them.
This is kind of
old coffee, is it?
1 liter.
What is that?
Good morning.
How are you?
I'm ready to go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
I already made my
first faux paus.
That's right.
I told you, I have
the same jacket.
So for our trip to summit Mount
Hood, it's an early start.
It's what we call
an alpine start
and we leave at about midnight.
And alpine starts
can range any time
between midnight and 4:00 AM.
Any time when you really
shouldn't be awake.
I usually try to catch a few
hours of sleep at the trailhead
before I go up on a climb.
So at least I have a few hours
of rest under my belt. Usually
that means sleeping in my
car or camping next to my car
or something at the trailhead.
It takes about an hour
for me, typically,
to get my boots on and
get my head in the game.
Prepping everything before
you start to ascend.
And you're doing in the
middle of the night.
So your brain is
already a little foggy.
So it's really important to be
super organized ahead of time
so that you're not trying
to figure out where one
of your remaining carabiners
are at 12:30am in the morning.
I don't know.
We'll be ascending the
south side of Mount Hood.
And for the first third
or so, it's a ski resort.
And so climbers have
a special groomed path
over to the right
side of the ski resort
that we will walk up.
I'm sure we won't be the only
ones on the mountain that day.
Fridays leading into the
weekend are typically,
a pretty busy day.
Especially if it's supposed
to be nice weather.
It'll be completely dark.
Hopefully there will be
moonlight or starlight
and we'll have good views.
But for the most
part, you're just
looking at the small little orb
of light that's in front of you
from your headlamp.
Based on the 1:00 AM
start time, the team
should arrive at the
Silcox Hut at 2:30 AM.
As they make their
way up the mountain,
they will have to manage a
consistent marathon pace.
Their physical endurance, heat
management, and mental fitness
will be tested.
By 5:00 AM, they should be
on top of the Palmer lift.
6:30 AM is the targeted time
for getting to Devil's Kitchen.
The team plans to
summit by 8:00 AM.
Then you want to
get off of there
pretty soon after sunrise.
Because mountains
are held together
by snow and water
and ice and you
want it to be as
solid as possible.
One climber died on Tuesday
after falling at least 700 feet
on Oregon's Mount Hood.
I want to summit Mount Hood,
but there are some risk factors
and some dangers.
Mount Hood has
taken another life.
A climber from Idaho was
killed when he fell there
just this morning.
I am aware of the dangers
of summiting Mount Hood.
Mount Hood, of
course, no stranger
to tragedy involving climbers.
Tragically, four people
died there last year.
The dangers of summiting
Mount Hood doesn't scare me.
Those concerns are
pretty small compared
to be able to stand
on top of Mount Hood.
I think that would be pretty
awesome cool, I think.
I'm a climbing guide and so I've
climbed Mount Hood three times,
on three different routes, three
different times in the season
over the past couple of years.
And climbed a lot
of other volcanoes.
Well aware of all
the risks involved.
I don't necessarily see a
big spirit of inclusivity
in mountaineering.
It's a pretty white
male-dominated sport.
I think in mountaineering,
there's, sort of,
an old guard of older men that
are a little bit of gatekeepers
on the mountain and may not
make people feel welcome.
It's hard, though.
Because mountaineering,
a lot of the time,
you'll have so many layers
on you can't tell who's who.
So in that way, it's safer
for people who look different.
You can hide a
little bit, I guess,
but I don't want
that to be the case.
I don't want people
to feel like they
have to hide themselves in
order to feel comfortable
in the outdoors.
That goes against
my entire mission
of why I lead trips and the
way that I operate trips.
When I grew up and
probably the age I grew up,
I noticed things have changed
a lot in the gay community.
If I could pass as straight,
if I could be straight-acting,
that was, like, a
crown achievement.
I personally find
it really inspiring
when I see someone who's
very out in the outdoors.
I'm like, yes.
You are like me.
And I think that that's really
important for the future
of the sport.
White cis males can't
run the show forever.
Sorry, guys.
This painting is one of
my most vulnerable pieces
that I've worked on.
She's expressing something
in a very powerful way.
To me, having the
courage to use my voice
and to have the courage to
work through some of the fears
that I've been limited
by in my existence.
When I began doing my meditative
art practice for myself,
I began working with the heart.
Visually it's very pleasing.
I like the curves.
I'm originally from
South Carolina.
Any time I'm in
nature, I get floods
of creativity and inspiration
for drawing and painting.
It also makes me think
about my ancestors that
have passed away.
And just feeling a little
bit closer to them.
Since I've been
in Portland, I've
been really finding
my creative voice.
Created many murals.
The day before
the 4th of July, I
was painting a mural
on Alberta Street.
Two men walked past me
while I was painting
and made a couple of remarks.
They were like nice job,
or something like that.
And two hours later, the
same two men come back.
And they're like
staggering and red-faced
at this point and
reeked of alcohol.
They started just saying all
of these inappropriate racial
slurs to me.
And I felt very unsafe
and uncomfortable.
And I'm trying not
to engage with them.
And so as I'm in the process
of packing up my things,
I get knocked over
onto the sidewalk.
His whole body
slammed into mine.
I immediately got up and
they were both laughing
at what had just happened.
And I went inside the building.
They ended up leaving
before the police got there.
It was very frightening.
And I didn't want to actually,
go back to work on my mural
for like a month after
that because I was afraid.
Mount St. Helens, right after
that big storm in March,
John, I need a pep talk.
What do you need to hear?
That it's OK to go
at a slower pace.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, it's totally OK
to go at a slower pace.
Like Amber was saying
yesterday, the goal
is to hit that, sort of,
steady pace where you can still
hold the conversation,
but keep moving forward.
And trying to, like,
build up the the mental
Maybe baby steps while we talk?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So just not have to take
all those little break.
So just motivate yourself to
try to keep moving forward.
Even if it's like--
Even if it's slow.
Yeah.
I have to make
everything from scratch.
Just because I have a
lot of food allergies
and I like cooking.
I started cooking
many, many years ago
after my grandma, kind
of, inspired me to cook.
Because she was old school,
depression era and she
had to make everything
from scratch.
30 years that they didn't
have any money at all.
Literally no money.
So I watched her and I
got inspired to cook.
I'm from Prineville, Oregon.
It's a small town in
the middle of the state.
And it was mostly
lumber industry.
Very blue collar.
We had Les Schwab there.
That's where Les Schwab
actually lived there
and I served him ice cream.
I knew something was different
when I was about five.
I was pretty effeminate.
And I wanted the
home center, which
is like the little
kitchen because I
wanted to play restaurant.
I could set it all up and
then have an earthquake.
I spent a lot of time
with my mom and grandmas.
There's actually a point
where it all changed.
I remember running into
one of jocks in school
or whatever you call them.
As a person that gets
startled, I mean,
I kind of screamed
like a little girl.
But got really scared
because it startled me.
And from that point, the
target was put on me.
From sixth grade all the
way till my senior year
in high school,
it was relentless.
Faggot and being made fun of.
Every class, there
was the anxiety of OK.
I've got to get on the bus.
Got to get through the bus ride.
Got to get between
the bus and class.
I got to get through
first period.
Or third period's safe
because it's just my friends
and nobody wants
to take that class.
Lunch is safe because we
can go sit in the corner.
Being constantly hyper-aware
and having this constant fear of
are you going to get hit?
Are you going to get spit on?
I got spit on every day.
And you don't dare tell
an authority figures
because it makes you look weak.
By God, you're a man.
You're supposed to fight.
It has caused me to be
anxious my entire life.
I don't get to just relax
like everybody else does.
And--
My gosh.
Ryan, happy birthday yesterday.
What?
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Ryan.
Happy birthday to you.
I don't have those anymore.
You're older.
My god.
So old.
I'm 24.
Did you say 45?
Aren't you 43?
I'm 44.
Don't age me.
Sorry.
...mean you're 44.
The group takes
their first break
30 minutes into the journey.
How are we doing, you guys?
Glad we have poles.
Shan, how's your
tracking pole sitch'?
The professionals
are working on it.
They are off to a slow start.
Unfortunately, the first rest
stop is longer than planned.
As a result, they are
slightly behind schedule.
So just remember that
every time I've done this,
the sun did come out.
The darkness was
not ever-lasting.
Getting myself ready to go.
Think I'm going to put a
little snack in my pocket.
Got some dried chickpeas that
are calling my name right now.
Are you OK, Stacey?
I just scratched my arm
trying to get my pack on, so.
Love to hike.
I'm a hiker.
When I came to visit Portland
before I ever had even
thought about moving,
I just couldn't believe
there was all this available.
You know, I think certain
places are very sacred.
Whenever I'm in nature, I
feel that energy so deeply.
I like being in
very quiet places.
And I have found
over time that that's
when things start
flooding into my mind
about direction, about my
place in life, where I'm at,
what I'm struggling with.
And that it just kind of flows.
Just this kind of stream of
consciousness starts coming
and so I start writing.
And trying to write it all down.
As you can probably
tell from the accent,
I'm a Southern girl.
I was born in the mountains
of North Carolina.
It's very special to
grow up in the mountains.
I think there's an
incredible feeling that
becomes part of
your soul when you
look at your window every
day and see mountains--
Southern Appalachian
Mountains, which
are some of the
oldest in the world.
And so you can feel that energy.
It really got me
through a lot of my life
with my journey
and my struggles.
I was five years
old in 1962 when
I realized that something just
wasn't quite right in my world.
The whole world saw this
little cute little boy
with a big smile, but I deeply
knew that I was actually,
a little girl inside.
And it actually
wasn't until I was
10 years old that I actually
saw someone that was like me.
We were watching television.
And there was this news report
about Christine Jorgensen,
the most famous
person in the US who
had had what they called a sex
change operation at that time.
They had these before picture
of her as a male GI soldier
and here she was as this blonde
bombshell that was, kind of,
like these beautiful red lips.
And she just looked stunning.
She said when I
was a little boy,
I always felt like
a little girl.
And I could have
been tipped over
with a feather at that time.
Because, I mean, my God.
There was somebody else
besides me that felt this way?
I really felt I was the only one
in the world that actually had
this that I was dealing with.
I looked around to my family
to see if anybody had noticed
that I had reacted so deeply.
But no.
They hadn't noticed that.
Nobody said a word about
what this story was about.
I feel like on some level that
she really, kind of, gave me
an amazing life
preserver at that time.
And I always wonder all
the other trans folks
that she gave that to, as well.
Or whether she even
ever knew that.
My pole doesn't stick.
Not that way.
You can kick this way
Just keep moving left.
OK.
Much better.
There you go.
Thank you.
The first time I
went climbing, it
was ladies climbing night in
the gym in Downtown Olympia.
And I convinced my college
roommate to take me.
And she had never
climbed before, either.
And I'd never been
in a group of women
that were all together
and also supportive.
And there was lots of wine
and lots of chocolate and lots
of raffle prizes.
And everyone was so happy
to be there with each other.
I never really
experienced that before.
So I bought a
membership that night.
I didn't have any
gear whatsoever
and I borrowed a friend's
shoes for a few weeks
until I won a
bouldering competition
and won my first pair of shoes.
And then I got a harness
and I started top roping.
And then I started
lead climbing.
And just, sort
of, everything was
trying to get to the next level
so that I could do mountains.
And here I am.
Just doing mountains.
My childhood experience
was growing up
in the suburbs of
Chicago, Illinois.
I had had girlfriends
in the past that,
like, swapping
coming out stories.
And what was your
coming out story?
And I was like,
I didn't have one.
My family's really progressive.
Like, we're super liberal.
Didn't need it.
I was kind of wrong about that.
While I do have a
really liberal family
and I did grow up in
an environment that
was really supportive of gay
rights and of gay marriage,
it came as a shock to my family
to actually hear those words.
Even though I'd assume
that they knew already.
I was wrong.
It did create a conflict
for a little while.
Mostly with my mom.
Using the word queer
is hard for her.
Because I think it's
a generational shift
of using the word
queer nowadays,
as sort of an overarching
word for the LGBTQ movement
and members of that community.
And for her, it was like it
was a horrible word to use.
It was like saying
the N-word for her.
And so it's been a
big challenge for her
to use the word
queer to describe me.
I think probably what
was part of the problem
in the first place, not
telling her about people
that I was dating actually
encouraged the belief
that I was just dating men.
I mean, we didn't speak
for a little while.
And I really needed
her during that time.
And it took a while for
me to open back up to her.
To feel like I could
trust her, again.
Trust her response.
I don't know at what point I
really, like, fully trusted
her, again, or trusted
our relationship,
but it definitely took a while.
Several years.
And as you can see, I'm
still hurt about it.
Coordinate with the
guides and get...
gear and communicate with
the clients on where to be.
And...
when we'll be there.
And that's full-time?
Mountaineering is a team sport.
The pace is set by the
slowest team member.
And splitting up makes
summiting a challenge.
How are you doing, Ryan?
My toes are a little cold.
Just a little cold.
Toes?
There's no, like, little
fireplace for my toes
doing this.
I'd like to keep going a
little bit more to keep warm.
I tend to heat up
and cool down fast.
Whoops.
And then you fall in the snow.
It's good.
It's all good.
The guides are starting to feel
a bit uneasy about the pace.
I, personally, don't
feel comfortable
doing that because
that'll take me out
of alignment with my pace.
Because I'll feel pressured.
From the people behind me
that are probably faster.
Just know that I'm going to
be slow, but I'll be steady.
Climbing Mount Hood safely
requires three elements
of preparedness.
First and foremost, the
physical fitness of the team
is paramount.
The route to the summit
is 3 and 1/2 miles long,
with an elevation gain
of more than 5.000 feet.
This is a daunting endeavor.
And becomes increasingly
difficult as climbers
descend into elevations
of decreased oxygen.
A summit is only halfway,
as climbers still
must descend safely.
Most injuries occur
during the descent.
When climbers are physically
and mentally exhausted.
Secondly, there are technical
mountaineering skills
which are required for
a successful climb.
Skills such as snow travel
using crampons, navigating
glaciated terrain on rope
teams, and self-arresting
using an ice ax are some of the
basic skills needed to summit.
The third element is
mental resilience.
The physical exhaustion
of climbing a mountain
can cause people to
mentally shut down.
This can cause accidents
and could put the team
in dangerous situations.
Mental training is an important
part of the trip preparation.
Here I was, given
this opportunity
to climb Mount Hood.
And I was in decent shape,
but I wasn't real sure
that I was climbing an
11.000 foot mountain shape.
It's a little bit
different for everybody
depending on where everyone's
base level of fitness is.
Some folks are going
to need to focus more
on cardio if they
haven't introduced that
into their daily life.
Mostly, it's your legs.
You'll see, it's like
a marathon runner.
They've got enormous quads.
That's we're going to be like.
Most of these people haven't
done anything like this before.
So making sure that we are
preparing them ahead of time
is really going to
minimize the risk
once we're on the mountain.
I started trying to do the
outlined suggested workouts,
but I decided to
modify and do it
in ways that felt
more authentic for me.
I've been working out about
seven to nine times a week.
Stairmaster.
My yoga practice.
Doing stairs at the stadium.
Strength exercises.
Just finding as many
opportunities as I
can for walking and hiking.
And then also going to my
gym as much as possible.
I'm feeling really good.
Really confident.
Feeling really
strong in my body.
There's an incredible
bike they have
at the gym I go to that actually
has like a video game on it
that you can actually
punch up and bike the cycle
through the Mayan temples.
Which is kind of fun.
I'm a little nervous
because I'm asthmatic.
So altitude and speed
are not my friend.
But I've got a bunch of other
people that can carry me up--
I mean, rely on--
to help me get to the top.
Hiking is a foundational
skill in mountaineering.
As a part of the overall
training program,
the team got together
at Powell Butte.
It's one of the most
beautiful hikes in Portland
with views of Mount Hood.
Two months before
the summit, the group
had their first on
snow training session
on Mount St. Helens, assisted by
a couple of volunteer trainers.
This is your spike and
this is your shaft.
This little aluminum
thing goes through your--
what would that be called?
Your "ax hole"?
This is the time where we...
And you're going to
be really unhappy
and you're going mad at
Taylor for 15 minutes.
And then I promise,
you will forgive me.
We will warm up.
And instead of taking micro
breaks every so often,
like to adjust layers,
we want to do it
before we actually get cold or
before we get hot, before you
get sweaty as much as possible.
It was a bluebird Saturday
in March, with the sun
out as if it were summertime.
The hike up to Chocolate
Falls is 2 miles,
with 1.000 foot elevation gain.
I actually had one
meltdown on the mountain.
I think I slept maybe
two or three hours
the night before
because I was just
really excited to get there
and to start the training.
There was one portion,
my energy level
was starting to get depleted.
And I was starting to get
overheated because I was also
wearing too many layers.
Taylor and I stopped and let
the group go ahead of us.
After I was able to reset
and she was like, OK.
Let's start moving at your pace.
You practice yoga, why don't
you sync your movements
with your breath.
And that clicked for me.
And so from there, I
began to actually do
like a moving meditation.
Take it more slowly when
we go more at an incline.
Does that sound good?
Sounds great.
My whole perspective with the
rest of the journey shifted.
And I was able to
actually, be more present
and to get more enjoyment out
of the rest of the time at Mount
St. Helens.
The literal imagery for the
struggles that we've all
had in our lives.
It could be...
I never thought
I'd be doing this.
If they could see you now.
Look at me.
Is this tight?
Great.
This training was a way for the
team to test out their gear,
carry heavy packs,
and traveling on snow.
They learn proper ice
ax handling skills,
how to self-arrest,
and practice repelling.
Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick.
Goes right up there.
A part of the training
for the summit climb
was a group session
at Evolution Fitness.
The altitude room simulates an
oxygen deficient environment
similar to that found in
mountainous environments.
Training with decreased
oxygen is used as a tool
to trigger physiological
changes in the body that are
aimed at improving performance.
Almost three years ago, I
actually had a heart attack.
My heart capacity is not what
it was before my heart attack.
I've been trying to
work out really hard.
You know, there's days that you
don't want to go to the gym.
For me, at least, the pressure
of knowing that this is coming.
You miss a day, that's
one less day you've
had to get yourself in shape.
Alpine starts are very
unnatural for most people.
This is especially true for
first-time mountaineers.
Taylor and the
volunteer trainers
established a program
using an alpine start
to mimic the summit day.
The objective of
the training was
to push the mental
toughness of the team.
Today I'm wearing
haute couture tutu.
And this is my summit tutu.
I wear it on every climb.
People think that you have to
be really masculine outdoors.
And I am here to tell you that
you can prance your way up
the mountain in style.
People don't really realize
that mountain climbing
is such a mental game.
And there's a huge
physical component to it,
but it's a slow sport.
You are walking up a
hill very, very slowly.
Step, breathe.
Step, breathe.
And that's going to be
our pace the whole time.
Because we're hiking
for a long time.
So.
And I think that, in itself,
is difficult for people
that are used to more
high impact sports.
This is like a low, slow payoff.
And doing it in the
middle of the night
can really mess with
people's emotions.
People behave differently
when they're sleep deprived.
And you fumble.
And it's cold.
And it's dark.
And getting used to how exactly
you're packing your backpacks
that you know where
your headlamp is,
where your snacks are,
where your water is.
Everything that you
need for the actual day,
you need to know
where that system is
so that you're not fumbling
on the side of a mountain.
Because when you do that,
you're using up valuable time
and energy in the middle of the
night when you don't need to.
And you should be
like, have your system
dialed for the first
couple of hours of climbing
until the sun rises.
Until you get light
and then you start
to get some of that energy
back before the summit,
when it really matters.
And getting back down.
Well, we are hiking at 3:30
in the morning in the dark
up towards the
top of Mount Hood.
The wind's blowing
pretty briskly.
My jaws feel very close so I
don't know if more words are
coming through.
I kind of like the
fact that you can only
see so far in front of you.
So you just keep plugging away
and not looking up and saying,
my god.
There's so much more to go.
No.
You just have right
here in front of you.
So Shanita's going down.
She is not feeling well today.
She doesn't feel safe ascending
for the rest of the night.
So we're going to continue
the training without her.
She and Rebecca
are going to chill
in my car for a little while.
Get a little nap.
At the end, we're going
to do skill building close
to the lodge so she wants
to stick around for that.
Where's Stacey?
Just beyond these
trees, Silcox Hut
is right at the
middle mark of that.
The top of Palmer is
where the chairlift ends.
So just to give you a
little bit of perspective
of how much we walked today
is only up to that far.
Like, things just
take a lot more time.
I will.
In addition to mental
toughness, the goal
is to teach technical skills
such as rope team travel
and knot tying.
And to build confidence
traveling on snow.
Long story short,
but I ended up--
I got back into town
yesterday, a few hours
before this journey.
And I did not actually
have time to sleep at all.
As I started progressing,
I just didn't feel safe.
And my vision was
kind of scaring me.
And so, I just had
to make a decision.
And I don't know
why, but I'm just
learning to trust my intuition.
And my intuition was just
giving me a really strong no.
Got a little rest and was
very happy to join you all.
That is all.
One, two, three, who's on top?
Many mountaineers use
rock climbing techniques
to advance their alpine goals.
Take it about wingspan's
length of rope.
Planet Granite provided an
opportunity for the team
to train and practice
rock climbing.
Lovely scarf and
the carrot nose.
The carrot nose.
Pull them through.
This training allowed the
team to practice skills
such as rope management,
belaying with a harness,
and trusting your belay partner.
This was a significant
experience for Stacey,
as she had never
done this before.
The final leg to the summit
of Mount Hood is steep.
And poses significant
danger to the climb.
The team will mitigate this
risk by roping up and using
a belay system to get
through the Pearly Gates.
Rock climbing further
prepares the team
for this technical section.
Get me down.
Sliding.
As a part of the
training process,
there is a final
assessment to determine
the physical strength,
stamina, endurance,
and to ensure that everyone can
ascend at an appropriate pace.
With 3 1/2 miles and 3.000
feet in elevation gain,
reaching the summit at Dog
Mountain in three to three
and a half hours is considered
the benchmark to simulate
the demands of
summiting Mount Hood.
Ryan and Stacey set
out in torrential rain
to attempt to summit
this small mountain.
In spite of the
difficult weather,
Ryan and Stacey,
make it to the summit
in less than three hours.
This is a good precedent
for their Mount Hood summit.
How's our pace?
Right now, the thing
that I'm worried about
is the starting and stopping.
People to find their rhythm and
their temperature regulation.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Ate a handful of those
chickpeas and then I
was like trying to get
over the stomach feeling.
The worst case, I'll puke.
The team is now
two hours behind.
The summit guides have
a meeting to evaluate
the risk and feasibility
of continuing
to push toward the summit.
One thing we were
just thinking about
is we've made about
500 feet in an hour.
So we're way under.
We're about half hour
pace that we need to be.
It would still
probably put us short
of the summit for the
timing that we want to be.
Right now, I don't feel 100%
confident with keeping up
with the pace I need to
in the allotted of time.
But I don't want to rob someone
else of being able to summit.
If you know in your
brain you're not
going to go full push to the
summit, then you can say OK.
I'm going to go for the
next hour or half an hour
and just go as high as I
can and then enjoy the view.
And that's a personal summit.
That's a high point.
There's nothing to
be ashamed about.
Yeah.
Totally.
I don't want to rob anyone
of being able to see
the summit if I can't do it.
Yeah.
Totally.
So maybe I should just call it?
I choose to look at
this mountain with all
of our obstacles and challenges
as opportunities for growth.
I was able to overcome
and to keep climbing.
Even though I didn't
summit Mount Hood,
I have reached a beautiful
milestone in my life.
As the summit leader, Taylor
abandons her summit attempt
in order to accompany Shanita
back to the parking lot.
She sacrifices herself so
that the rest of the team
can continue with
all three guides.
As they're rolling me
up to the cardiac floor,
I couldn't decide what
was actually worse.
Having a heart attack
or actually being
transgender in that hospital.
The heart surgeon comes in
and this tell me, well, we
found this blockage.
We can't put a stint
in and so we're
going to have to do two
bypasses in your surgery.
And my friend Elizabeth
asks the doctor a question.
Like, well, what
is Stacey's diet
should be after she gets
out of the hospital?
And he said, well, he'll
be able to do this,
and he'll be able to do that,
and he'll be able to eat this.
And I'm looking around thinking
who is this person talking to?
I mean, my coworker
Justin was there.
And I thought, well, why
is he talking about Justin?
I don't understand.
And so one of my other
co-workers that was there
said, wait.
It's she, not he.
And he goes yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He'll be able to do this.
He'll be able to do that.
Starting right
back in it, again.
I was trying to debate whether
to start yelling and cussing
him out and weighing
that against the fact
that I might have
another heart attack.
Because they we're desperately
trying to keep me from having
another...
They were pumping me full
of some kind of stuff that
was supposed to keep me from
having another heart attack.
I was so angry.
And I finally said stop.
I says you know
you're messing up.
Right?
I says, why do you
keep saying this?
And he got so flustered
and said, well, maybe I'm
not the surgeon for you.
And turned around and
walked out of the room.
I sat there for a
minute thinking no.
This...
Anybody that acts the
way this doctor does
has something against
a trans person.
Because he didn't even attempt
to try to honor who I was.
People may think that having
the right pronoun use maybe
is not that big of a deal.
But I'll tell you what, if
you're a transgender person,
if you're not using the pronoun
that they use themselves,
you're not respecting
that person.
You're not honoring that person.
All I could think of was
going into this surgery
with knowing that this
guy was operating on me.
And the fact that he
thought about me in the way
that he did.
I told my friends, I said
listen, I'm not afraid to die.
But I'm not going to die at his
hands, I'll tell you right now.
I had moved to Phoenix with my
parents when I was about 18.
And about 20 when I
came out of the closet.
Screaming out of the closet.
Flinging those
doors to the side.
Just saying I was gay
didn't make everything easy.
It was all these
layers of judgments
that I kind of had
to sift through.
I slipped into a
real deep depression.
I tried to self-medicate and
tried to numb the confusion.
I started to emotionally eat.
And I was up to, like, a pack
and a half of cigarettes a day
and a six-pack of beer
at least every night.
I was about 150 and I
gained about 60 pounds.
So my top weight was 212.
And I was, 5' 9.
Little guy.
I just realized I wasn't happy
and I needed to make a change.
On more than one
occasion, I have
received some discrimination
within the LGBT community.
I think people have a vision
that all of the letters
alphabet get along
so great together.
Well, that's not so true.
I think the only form
of discrimination
that I've experienced is the
idea of not being queer enough.
So not being visible enough.
If I'm dating a man at that
time, then, all of a sudden,
I'm seen as heterosexual.
And that can discount
my queerness.
I have some friends who refer
to themselves as lesbians
and they have judgment around
women that are bisexual.
Groups within our community,
like, we joke about each other.
Like, why would you
be friends with a lesbian?
You know?
We're gay men.
There's a pretty radical
part of the lesbian community
that really thinks trans women
are still actually just men.
And that we're
invading their space.
At the root of it all, it's just
like a lack of understanding.
I mean, trans folks, it's
identity-- gender identity.
The rest of the
alphabet's, pretty much,
sexual orientation.
So there's some friction
there about that at times.
Someone that
presents as feminine,
that identifies as female can
pass as straight really easily
and therefore is not recognized
by the queer community.
And that's a form
of invisibility.
And that's a form of,
like, minor oppression.
Dating at 212 pounds was tough.
Guys wouldn't take
a second look at me.
Right now, I would say that
I dress more androgynously.
But I still think I'm a
femme person, in general.
But knowing that
there was a word
and that there was other people
that felt femme invisibility
was really validating for me.
Because really, we're
just like anybody else.
I mean, we have the
same hopes and fears
and want love and closeness.
People just don't know us.
It's a bird.
It's a plane.
It's Taylor going up Mount Hood.
Defying the odds, Taylor rejoins
the group on the mountain
after escorting Shanita
to the parking lot.
Cannot maintain conversation.
Man, the alpenglow on this
mountain is just so, so epic.
But while I was hiking up,
I was looking for the lights
as a little beacon for my
progress slowly getting closer.
And I saw this huge
shooting star just cross
the entirety of Mount Hood.
It was very, very special.
All right.
The woods are
where I love to be.
I feel at home there.
Nature is where we're all equal.
Because nature
just doesn't care.
I grew up in the woods.
That's where I would take
my dog when I was a kid.
Just to get away from the
fray and the craziness.
Being in nature
actually is my church.
Where I find my peace
and my centeredness.
When you go into
wilderness areas
and you're connecting with
that energy that's there,
I know one thing.
It fills my soul pretty deeply.
It also grounds me
incredibly well.
I can have been crazy
at work for weeks
and then go into a place like
wilderness and within a day,
feel all of that released.
And it's all gone.
And you're back to square
one, again, hopefully.
True leadership must
provide for the next decade
and not merely the next day.
And that is the
kind of leadership
that this Congress must provide.
The Wilderness Act was
put in place in 1964.
It states--
An act to establish a national--
preservation system--
For the permanent good--
Of the whole people--
And for other purposes.
I really like that term--
whole people.
That there was this grand
vision with this Wilderness Act,
especially at that particular
time in the US history.
The Civil Rights Act was
coming on after that.
Feels almost like a
noble thing, in a way.
The fact that these pockets
of amazing wilderness
were for everybody.
It's for all of us.
For everyone.
Not a select few.
But actually, everybody.
Regardless of race,
gender, sexuality.
Whether they're immigrants.
Whether they're
Indigenous people.
It's for everybody.
I don't know how
hard that is to get,
but people, it's for everybody.
The fact is that there
was the foresight
to see that these areas
should be protected.
I like to think of it
like for the trauma
that you take into those areas
that nature's kind of a salve
for that.
Given that the team is
now three hours behind,
they can barely take a
minute to enjoy the sunrise.
In order to prepare for the
icy portion of the summit,
they quickly put on crampons
and proactively wear
climbing harnesses.
Yeah.
Isn't it amazing
look down and see Mt.
Jefferson.
Yeah.
It's beautiful.
It's just stunning.
The climb up Mount
Hood is similar
to the difficult journey
of coming out and becoming
your true self.
When you think about,
I mean, really how
do you really change genders?
I mean, it just seems
so overwhelming to me
in such a deep way.
And it was so scary
to me, as well.
Because you're turning your
life upside down and inside out.
I had a big bushy black beard.
Had a great corporate job
where I traveled all the time.
I was in sales.
I would dress as my female
self every so often.
But the other 99% of my
life was as my male self.
And just not satisfying
and just not really--
it was just so depressing
and just so overwhelmingly--
such a burden.
I don't think I can
stress hard enough really,
how much of a burden it was
to carry this dual life.
One evening I was sitting in my
house back in North Carolina.
It was in the winter time.
I could remember just feeling
like the walls in my house
were just closing around me.
That I really ... suffocating
because of what I was carrying
with me.
I can remember walking outside.
And it was a typical North
Carolina mountain winter night
when those stars were just
so clear and it was so crisp.
Standing there looking up at
the stars and just saying,
you know?
I really only got
two choices here.
I says, I can either somehow,
in my wildest dreams,
try to figure out how to move
forward with this transition
and to become who
I knew that I was.
Or that I could
just kill myself.
And I'm here to tell you that
that second option sounded
really amazing.
It was the wave of peace
that washed over me
as I thought about
just ending it.
And that I wouldn't have
to think about this problem
anymore.
And that I wouldn't
have to deal with it.
I wouldn't have to carry
all this confusion and all
this just, horrific burden.
My god.
That felt so good.
It felt so good.
I just thought, my god.
Peace at last?
That would be-- I'd had no
peace since five years old.
And at that time, when this
happened, I was in my 30s.
So it'd been all this time, I
had not had any kind of peace.
But even...
you drop you heel...
I postponed transitioning
for a lot of years
because I didn't want to
lose my daughter, Natalie.
Her mom and I, we divorced.
Natalie was three years old.
I could sense that if
I went ahead and pushed
where I needed to go that I
would actually lose contact
with Natalie because
of just, the situations
around my divorce.
And in the anger that was there.
And I deeply knew that I
couldn't let that happen.
And all these years
later, I look back
and know why I did that.
Many years later, I was getting
ready to start hormones.
And I reached out to
her mom to say, hey--
Natalie was probably 15,
16, I guess, at that time.
I reached out to
her mom to say, hey.
I'm getting ready
to start hormones.
I'm going to transition.
And we...
I need to tell Natalie.
And she said-- she says,
well, Natalie already knows.
And I go, really?
I said, did you tell her?
And she goes no.
She said it was really funny.
She said she was actually
watching Oprah one day
and there were a
group of trans women
who were on her show
telling their stories.
And her mom said that halfway
through the Oprah show
that my daughter turned
around to her mom
and says that's exactly
what my dad's dealing with.
I had never shared
that with her.
And so she knew.
And since that amazing day,
she has never once rejected me
because I was trans.
She's-- which is--
that's not the typical story.
The team starts to
separate, again.
Leaving a large
gap between them.
Some of the group
members are starting
to feel the effects of
physical and mental exhaustion.
Which is then exacerbated
by altitude sickness.
How do you feel right now?
Drunk.
Nice.
In a good safe way.
In a good safe way.
Yeah.
I see the next flat place.
Ready to get there.
As they ascend,
they see that most
of the other teams
climbing the mountain
have already begun
their descent.
Having summited the
mountain hours before.
The summit is still in question.
Anybody else just feeling
like 10K is high enough?
Pretty high.
I'm feeling cold and strong.
Feel good to continue.
My fingies and toes are cold.
But when we're moving,
I'm like, I'm mobile.
So I feel strong.
Well, using the one to
ten, I think physically,
I'm probably about a five.
As long as I can stop and,
kind of, for five seconds
and keep going.
I guess, my question
would be, is that enough
to get to the summit, though?
Being at a five.
I think, mentally, I'm
in a pretty good place.
But it's just the physical part.
Right.
I'm feeling really good.
Better than I've felt in
long time so let's do it.
Nice.
Yeah.
This is good.
This is my happy place.
Every time I've
climbed a mountain,
it's not the summit
that I remember.
It's the process of
getting up there.
And you've done that.
After a long
deliberation period,
Stacey decides to
abandon the summit.
One, two, three.
Who's on top?
Yeah.
It's so cold.
...the encouragement
and the support.
You, too.
Thank you.
Who's on top?
It's more of a soul thing.
We've done on this
journey together.
The fact that I have gotten at
least to the highest place I
could get to soul-wise, gave it
my all and I gave it my best--
yeah.
I think I'm on top.
Yeah.
Even three and a half
hours behind schedule,
the cold alpine air holds
the snow and ice firm.
And allows the team to continue
their ascent with less risk.
Most of the injuries on Mount
Hood occur on the Hogsback.
The ridge becomes very steep.
And the run out on either side
lead to sulfuric sinkholes
called fumaroles, which
make rescue difficult.
In addition, the volcanic
gases are the strongest here
and stink of rotten eggs.
It's a little dangerous
because Mount St. Helens
erupted in 1984.
And Mount Hood is supposed to
be the next one that erupts.
Right?
So there's a little bit
of comfort and fear.
When I see Mount Hood, I
always get really excited.
Mostly when it's
covered in snow.
Because that means
that it's climbable.
And I just love the
way that it looks.
It looks like a children's
drawing of a mountain.
It's pointy.
And it has snow.
It's got glaciers.
And it's got rocks peeking out.
And it just looks like such
a quintessential mountain.
More than, I think, any
of the other Cascades.
Mount Hood is like
that person that you
see every day that you've
never stopped to meet.
And climbing it was a way
to actually go and meet
Mount Hood.
...like this.
Getting to the Pearly Gates,
this takes a lot of patience,
a lot of time, a
lot of strength.
And you have to do it.
There's no choice.
There's no elevator.
At three and a half
hours behind schedule,
the last and most difficult
portion of the climb
lies ahead for the
exhausted team.
Nature, in its complexity,
creates these special just,
outstandingly beautiful ice.
It looks like something
you get in the sea.
A pearl wall.
It's awesome.
I didn't know what the
struggle would be on the climb.
I didn't know if I would have
the energy to complete it.
That's just like coming out.
When you start at the
bottom of the mountain
or you start at the bottom
of trying to figure out
who you are, goodness.
It seems like you are summiting
the world's tallest mountain.
Who's on top?
Well, there is a definite
connotation there.
And I don't think we're
asking about that.
Heck yeah.
We did it.
Geoffrey Chaucer's
better late than never
idiom has never been
more applicable.
At four and a half
hours behind schedule,
the team makes it to the top.
My god.
What just happened?
I think we climbed the mountain.
I think who's on top
isn't about the summit.
Who's on top is about
your personal summit.
OK.
First impressions.
Tell us.
It's amazing.
Tell us what you see.
Tell the people what you see.
I see beautiful Oregon.
The most beautiful
state in the country.
Who's on top means being
the best person you can be.
I think everybody
has that option.
And I encourage everybody
to go through that journey.
I don't think you can always
be at the top of the mountain.
Because we still have
work to do on ourselves.
I'm, very much, on top of the
journey that I've gone through
to be in a space where
I'm at my personal best.
LGBTQ people have had to
climb some pretty hard and big
mountains to become
who you are, but that
doesn't stop the mountains.
They're still there.
You like to think they're not
as big as they used to be.
Certainly, the process
of climbing mountains
is really similar to the process
of coming out and staying out.
I mean, the climb itself
is an enormous metaphor.
Because the first third
to a half of the climb,
you're in the dark.
It's kind of scary.
You don't know
what you're doing.
Are you queer?
Are you not?
And then once you get
up higher, maybe you
start to come into yourself.
You get, maybe, you're
starting to come out
or you're starting to admit it
to yourself or to your loved
ones.
And then the sun starts to rise.
And you just see everything that
is available in front of you.
And you see that the
summit is so close.
And that this process
has all been worth it.
I've always wanted to
have something like this
that I connect with and that
you can just be at peace.
It's kind of awesome.
We can do our best
in trying to change
the world into acceptance, but
we can't do that on our own.
We have to have help.
When we're not there to defend
ourselves, or even when we are,
it's great if an ally
is there to cut out
the homophobic comments.
Especially when it
comes to conversations
around the LGBT community.
As trans folks, we're always
advocating for ourselves
constantly.
I encourage allies to
show up with kindness.
I have an uncle that voted
for Trump and lives in Kansas.
And my Trump-voting
uncle texted me and said,
I'm so proud of who you are.
And I'm so proud of
what you're doing.
And best of luck to all of you
and your friends on the climb.
And I love you so much.
And I just started weeping
as soon as he said that
and I got that text from him.
Because I really
never expected that.
Is there hope for us?
Yeah.
I think that my uncle texting
me that showed a lot of hope.
Even if it's one
person at a time,
that's kind of all the
change that we can do.
This is for all the folks
that went down early.
All the people that haven't
been able to come up here, yet.
All the people that
haven't been able to share
their stories like we have.
This is for you.
We love y'all.
Armistead Maupin wrote in More
Tales of the City, "being gay
has taught me tolerance,
compassion, and humility.
It has shown me limitless
possibilities of living.
It has given me people
whose passion and kindness
and sensitivity have provided
a constant source of strength.
Go out and be the first to
spread positive encouragement
to others in the world."