Who Is Harry Kellerman and Why Is He Saying Those Terrible Things About Me? (1971) - full transcript

[GEORGIE CHUCKLES]

GEORGIE:
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

You guys, you'll know.

Oh, you'll know.
You'll know when you see me.

That's right.

That's right, you'll see how it is.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about respect.

I'm talking about love.

That's right.

That's right.



I love you people.

But you don't-- You don't love me.

Listen. Listen to me.

Listen.
You don't hear what I'm saying.

Ah, now, hear me out.
Now, hear me out.

I'm trying to say
that you don't know who I am.

You don't know.

You never listen to me.
Now, listen to me.

Now, just shut up and listen.

What I'm telling you,
I'm telling you for your own good.

You have all the time in the world.

You have all the time in the world
if you just listen.

[SCRATCHING]

[WIND WHISTLING]



"There was a time
when I was planning

to live forever,

but I find it necessary, mm-hm,

to change those plans.

[PHONE RINGING]

Regards.

Yours very truly,

George Raymond...

[CHUCKLES]

...Soloway."

[HUMMING]

[STRUMMING]

[HUMMING]

Hm.

Mm-hm.

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

Oh, boy.

Mr. Soloway, we cannot entirely
rule out the possibility at this point

that you are a bird.

A what?

A bird, Mr. Soloway.

A winged, flying bird.

What kind of bird?

A loony bird, Mr. Soloway.

A crazy, nutsy, loony bird.

[WHIRRING]

[PHONE KEYPAD BEEPING]

[PHONE DIALING]

[LINE RINGS]

DR. MOSES [ON PHONE]:
Hello, yes? Dr. Moses here.

Doc, baby.

Hello? Yes?

- Hey, Mandrake, it's me.
- Yes.

It's me, Georgie,
your highest-paying crazy-head.

Yes. Hello, Mr. Soloway.
How are you?

Seven years
and you don't know how I am yet.

Beautiful.

Mr. Soloway, you have not appeared
for your last five sessions.

Once again, Mr. Soloway,
we have the conflict between your...

GEORGIE [SINGING]:
Now, Bunky told Lucille

Go walking out in the rain

DR. MOSES: Mr. Soloway.
Mr. Soloway, you are singing?

GEORGIE: Don't come back
Till you give me something

[DR. MOSES SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON PHONE]

To put inside my vein
One more ride

There's a world of sunshine
Waiting for me

DR. MOSES:
Mr. Soloway, you are singing to me.

GEORGIE:
On the other side

Number eight on the charts, doc.

Climbing like a son of a bitch.

DR. MOSES: That is not
what you called to tell me about,

is it, Mr. Soloway?

Six nights, Dr. Oz.

No sleep.

Look at my face.

Inside is worse.

Midgets in there, having a picnic.

Chomping on my brains.

Sleep.

Wear my pajamas all day
just in case it comes.

Like party clothes
in case of an invitation.

No sleep at all, Mr. Soloway?

Some. Not good.

- Gotta see you right away, honey.
- Mr. Soloway.

Mr. Soloway,
your regular appointment is tomorrow.

But my life is happening to me now.

Sorry,
your regular appointment is tomorrow.

Now, doc. I gotta see you.

My marbles, doc, they are spilling.

They're rolling out onto the floor
and behind the refrigerator

where you can't get at them
anymore.

DR. MOSES:
Very well, Mr. Soloway.

- Can you be here immediately?
- Beauty, baby.

I'm buying you Vienna
for your birthday.

[SINGING]
I'm off to see the Wizard

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

We hear he is a whiz of a wiz
If ever a wiz there was

I'm off to see--

- 1 got him. He's here. Georgie.
- Good morning. Good morning.

You'll flip out. This is it.
Georgie, the voice, the heart breaks.

Beautiful.

MARTY: Untouched.
Purity, 100 percent. Breaks the heart.

[GEORGIE HUMMING]

Great group name.
Now, we, uh--

We put shades on him
and we have one blind mouse.

Now, we get two other mice,
and what have you got?

Three Blind Mice. You get it?

MARTY:
Beautiful.

Now, you make one demo album
and you get 80 percent of the boy.

Okay, Three Blind Mice.
Forget it. Mistake. I hate it.

We put a dress on him
and call him “It.”

FLOWER VENDOR: Roses. Beauties.
Take them roses here.

Beauties. Beauties.
Get them here. Come on.

Take a rose.
Come on, take them roses here.

Beauties. Get your roses.

Come on. Beauties here.
Roses. Get your roses.

[DRUMMING AND YELLING]

MAN 1:
Taxi!

WOMAN:
Taxi.

MAN 2:
Taxi!

[PEOPLE YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

NEWSDEALER: That's 50 cents.
GEORGIE: I never carry any money.

You're blocking the stand, pest.

Please, trust me. I'll pay you later.
Ten dollars.

Look, look. Look, you see this picture?
That's me, Georgie Soloway.

I live right up there
on top of General Motors.

Good. Good. I live on the chandelier
at Radio City Music Hall.

- Give me the book or I'll call a cop.
- I gotta have this!

Hey, look, you rotten hippie.
You goddamn agitator!

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[DRUMMING AND YELLING]

[DRUMMING AND YELLING
FADES OUT]

Hello.

Hi.

How are you feeling, doc?

Good.

Almost lost my ax today.

My sweet old ax.

My sweet old ax.

Lot of good sounds,

lot of heavy sounds
come out of this ax.

Sixty-one songs this year,

not counting two peace marches,
a cigarette commercial,

four Christmas ballads,
and the new Air Force hymn,

cancer jingle.

A lot of good songs left
in this ax, right? Right, doc?

Hey.

Look at that.

Voice of the people.

How do you like that?

Songs of love, Solly.

Can't love anybody this year
without using Georgie's words.

Everybody banging to Georgie's beat.

Finger on the pulse,
eye on the sparrow.

Everybody loving Soloway style.

[CHUCKLES]

Chrissake, doc, I nearly killed myself
getting you that magazine.

- The least you could do is--
- Mr. Soloway, you referred earlier

on the telephone to an emergency,
a crisis.

"Mr. Soloway?"

Chrissake, I mean, seven years
and you're still calling me Mr. Soloway.

Aren't we buddies yet?

Fine, then.

Now tell me what's wrong, George.

Good.

There's a fellow
who wants to kill me, Sol.

A fellow. I don't know who it is.

I mean, you're not paranoid

if everybody really does hate you,
right?

Now, we've established
that I'm ready to be loved.

I mean, it's years getting me ready
for that number.

And I'm really ready to love myself

and commit myself
to another human being now.

And I'm really ready
to love and commit myself

to another human being now
because I've learned to love myself

and forgive myself
for how rotten I am.

That is where we're at,
that is the scene, right?

Well, that's not exactly--

I mean, it cost me $52,560,
not counting cab fares,

and a lot of years
so you could sell me back to myself.

And now I'm supposed to be straight
on this love thing.

And now an outside force,

2 big gun from out of town,
a person, is screwing it up.

You got that?

Some rat
calling himself Harry Kellerman

is calling up every chick I see
and telling lies about me,

giving me the bad-mouth
all over town.

Sol, please, talk to me.

I mean,
who would hate me so much?

Doc, what do you think?

What should I do?
I absolu-- I don't mind--

[RAY CHARLES' "DON'T TELL ME
YOUR TROUBLES" PLAYING]

RAY CHARLES [SINGING]:
Don't tell me your troubles

1 got troubles of my own

Don't tell me your troubles
Just leave me alone

Leave me alone

Go on home

Tell it to a friend

1 got troubles of my own

You say your sweet love left you

Well, what'd you think about me?

I've got those same old heartbreaks

The same old miseries

Leave me alone

Go on home

Tell it to a friend

Cut it out!

What is it, George?

What is wrong, George?

Doc.

Doc, it is cookie-jar time.

- It is time to put me in the cookie jar.
- Cookie jar?

I mean,
the New York State cookie jar, buster.

Doc, certain things--
Certain things have been happening.

I mean, now the--
I see a lot of shows that aren't listed.

I mean,
they are not in the TV Guide, Sol.

Last couple nights,
I get ahold of Chomsky.

We drive around in my limo.

I think if I'm moving,
I can sleep, see?

I started thinking about King Lear
last night.

Old cat in the forest took him out.

Shakespeare is a winner, man.

Those sonnets...
Jeez, the right music,

I tell you, they'd all be in the top ten.

King Lear, see?

Alone in the forest,
he looks up in the sky and he says, uh:

"Oh, God,

let me not be mad."

Doc, I gotta know.

Am I getting crazy?

Help me.

Help me, O Wizard,
for I lie busted in the yellow brick road.

Chrissake, say something, will you?

Isn't this your table
that wants service?

[TAPPING FINGERS]

Come on, Ringo, earn your 50.

Calmly, George.

It is clearly the Kellerman problem
and the resulting lack of sleep.

Your dreams seek other stages
on which to play.

Our attempt here, of course, must be
to embrace reality, to welcome it.

Why?
Why should I do anything for reality?

It never done nothing for me.

We shall have to continue tomorrow,
George.

Not tomorrow, now!

George, I have waiting outside for me
another patient.

Not yet. Give me another hour.

I'll buy off your next nut.

Stick with me today,
there's an extra grand in it for you.

[METER TICKING]

[IN NEW YORK ACCENT] It's 45 cents
for the first one-sixth of a mile,

10 cents for each additional one-third
of a mile thereafter.

Inquire for special out-of-town rates.

[METER TICKING]

[TICKING STOPS]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I have here
a prescription for sleeping pills, George.

Pill? Pills?

[CHUCKLES]

I come to you in flames
and you treat me for sunburn.

It is essential that you sleep tonight.

All I need is my songs.
You and your goddamn pills.

Doctor, I'm sorry,
but you just lost your top crazy-head.

Sweetheart,
the Viennese Waltz is over.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

[GEORGIE GRUNTING]

[PHONE RINGING]

- Yeah. Hello. Yeah.
SALLY [ON PHONE]: Hello, it's Sally.

Sally, darling.

- Crazy about you.
- Georgie, you sound out of breath.

Exercise, live forever.

- Hey, Sally, come on over.
- 1 just now had a terrible experience.

- Yeah?
- Guy calls me up,

says he's a friend of yours,

says you have a wife, two children,
several social diseases

and just got out
of Payne Whitney Clinic

where they put you
for behaving in a violent manner.

- Who said that? My God.
- Oh, well,

he says his name is Harry Kellerman,
a friend, an ex-friend of yours.

Says all you have is ex-friends

because of how, sooner or later,
you behave in a violent manner.

He seems to know you very well.

- I'll kill him.
- Georgie.

I'll find him and I'll kill him.

Georgie, you sound like you're about
to behave in a violent manner.

- Sally.
- Heh. The thing is, Georgie,

- I gotta go to work soon.
- Wait--

- I only called to tell you.
- Wait.

Oh, it's actually very late.
{ have to go now.

- Sally, wait.
- It's actually very late.

- I'll see you tonight.
- Oh, tonight?

Oh, actually,
I better just get to sleep early tonight.

- Hey, Sally.
- Oh, it's very late.

Sally, you know me.

I don't really know you.
I've only slept with you.

Sally, wait. Sally.

[LINE CLICKS THEN DIAL TONE]

Hey.

[SINGING]
Well, Bunky told Lucille

MAN 1: Yeah, what did he say, man?
What did he say?

He said, "Go walking out in the rain”

MAN 1: Oh, man.
MAN 2: Ain't no rain.

And he said, "Do not come back

MAN 1:
Well, yeah, of course.

Until you bring me a little something

MAN 1 & 2:
Yeah, like what?

Like to put up in my vein”

[ALL SINGING]
One more ride

BERNIE:
Lucille, your man wants

ALL:
One more ride

There's a world of sunshine
Waiting for me

Unh, on the other side

BERNIE:
Hey. Uh, George-- Georgie Porgie.

George Soloway,

who wrote this song and many other
great songs, is out there.

Throw a light on him.

Georgie Soloway.
Let's get him up here.

Give him a hand.

[CROWD CHEERING
AND WHISTLING]

Come on!

How you doing, Bernie?

BERNIE: Seventeen hundred paid
admissions at 60 percent, George.

[SINGING]
Well, Bunky's in a pine box

In a burial yard

Lucille walks the streets

She's looking good
But looking hard

[ALL SINGING]
One more ride

BERNIE:
Lucille, would you like

ALL:
One more ride?

BERNIE:
There's a world of sunshine

Waiting for you

- Where?
- On the other side

[BERNIE SCREAMS]

BERNIE:
Did this really happen?

Or was it all a dream?

You look down deep inside yourself

You're gonna hear somebody scream
For one more ride

One more ride, one more ride
One more ride

One more ride, one more ride
One more ride

One more ride, one more ride
One more ride

BERNIE: Yeah
ALL: One more ride, one more ride

BERNIE: Yeah, yeah
ALL: One more ride, one more ride

BERNIE: One more ride
ALL: One more ride, ride, ride

BERNIE: Ride, ride, one more ride
ALL: One more ride, one more ride

[GEORGIE
PLAYING HARMONICA]

WOMAN:
Georgie.

Georgie.

I've been waiting two hours.

Georgie, this is hostile behavior.

Like, I mean...

I mean, you could consider
my goddamn dignity.

Baby.

Like, you always call me
after midnight,

and, like, I always come over.

But I don't want you to think
that you can just always-- Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, Georgie.

Georgie, it's been so long.

Oregon 76371.

- Heh.
- Susan.

Susan.

Do you still love me?

- I-- Yes, I do, Georgie.
- Hm?

- No, but the thing is, Georgie--
- We'll drink to that.

I mean, like, do you love me?

I'll get you a drink on top of the world,
all right?

Georgie, I'm con-- Heh.
I'm concerned about our relationship.

GEORGIE:
Come on.

Georgie, do you think I'm dumb?

What do you mean?

Do you--? I mean, like,
do you go around telling people

that you think I'm dumb?

This fellow, you know, he called me,

- and he said--
- Kellerman.

He said that you told him
that you thought I was dumb,

and that the only reason you see me
is to--

I'll kill him.

Is it true?

- Is that really what you tell people?
- None of it-- None of it is true.

- I think I'd better go now.
- Wait, Susan. Come on.

This has not been
a pleasant evening.

Hey, come on, Susan.

Hey, Susan, don't leave.

And don't call me so late anymore.

Don't leave. Not tonight.
I need you here.

Like, uh...

Like, goodbye, Georgie.

Susan, the people I call after 12
are the most important people.

In the wee hours, Susan,
in those small, enormous hours.

[RAPPING]
Who, who, who is Harry Kellerman?

Who would do such a thing
To his fellerman?

Yeah, live chicks
And he gave them all a jingle

He wants me alone
And he wants me single

Who's that cat that's the killerman?

Calls himself Harry Kellerman

[HUMMING]

Five chicks
And he gave them all a jingle

Wants me alone
And he wants me single

Even old Oregon

Alone up here in heaven

And even old Oregon 7

Has split

There we go.
Places, everybody, please.

Please, closer together.

That's it.
Cootchie coo, cootchie coo.

Is it what you want, Georgie?

- What do you mean? What?
- Being married, Georgie.

What do you mean? What?

- Being married, Georgie.
- Sure. Perfect.

Forever, Gloria.

[GEORGIE HUMMING]

[PIANO PLAYING]

WOMAN [SINGING]:
Happy dancing fingers

Skipping all the keys

Lightly as a butterfly

Gentle as the breeze

One more time

Let us do our lesson one more time

The melody's in the right, George.

The right, son. Don't be afraid.

[SINGING]
Music is a mountain

Let us see how high we all can climb

[HUMMING]

Come on. Come on, baby.

"The Star-Spangled Banner."
Anything.

GEORGIE:
Hey, doc.

Ruthie Tresh.

Pretty, pretty Ruthie Tresh.

Red hair and lime green sweaters.

A candy-store of a girl.

I used to have the cleanest sneakers
that you ever saw.

Iwas 18
and I knew how to live forever.

GEORGIE [SINGING]:
Goodbye to goodbye

Farewell to farewell

I'm staying right here with you

Don't you worry
Because I never would kid you

Goodbye to traveling with sorrow

Hello, see you tomorrow

RUTHIE WHISPERING]:
Georgie?

GEORGIE [WHISPERING]:
Yes?

RUTHIE:
Georgie, where are you?

I can't see you.

GEORGIE:
I'm under the couch.

Oh.

- Georgie?
- Yes.

Why are you under the couch?

Yes, I want to explain to you
about that.

There's this unfortunate thing
that happened.

You see, this couch, Ruthie,

- this is a foldout couch.
- Oh.

And it won't fold out.

- That's the unfortunate thing.
- Oh.

[CREAKING]

I'm trying to fix it.
That's why I'm under it.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
You okay?

RUTHIE [IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Yes, fine.

Well, actually I'm cold.

Oh.
Well, there's a blanket on the couch.

That's fine.

Thank you.

How's it going?

GEORGIE: Well, it seems to be
something with the spring.

- You okay?
- Yes.

It's just that I was scared
for a moment when--

Because when I came out
of the bathroom, nobody was here.

For a second,
I thought you'd gone away.

I didn't go away. I'm right here.

[CLANGING]

I'm really very sorry about this.
This is a very unfortunate thing.

This never happened before.

- It usually just folds out.
- Oh.

It usually just folds right out.

- Have you folded it out a lot?
- Huh?

The couch? Have there been people
who you fold it out for?

- Well, you know, I mean--
- Listen, that's all right.

- People come and I fold it out.
- That's all right.

- That's the way it goes.
- Of course.

- Georgie? The ceiling is coming down.
- Huh?

- The ceiling is coming down.
- Oh.

Big chunks of it.

[THUDS]

That was another one.

I'm really very sorry about this.
This never happened before.

Here comes another one.

It's really coming down a lot, Georgie.

I better fix this first,

and then I'll come out
and look at the ceiling.

Okay. But it's really coming down.

Georgie, really, a lot of people?

Girls, I mean? Many, many?

- Well, you know...
- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ask.

I was hoping not many, many.
Just some.

[THUDS]

Uh...

It's really coming down.

Plaster everywhere.

And I've never made love
to anybody before.

- Nobody?
- No, not anybody.

And now the ceiling is coming down,

and the couch won't fold out,
and I'll get pregnant.

A piece of the ceiling will fall
on my head and I will be dead.

Ruthie, the reason why
this couch doesn't fold out

is because I never
folded it out before.

I've only slept on it alone.

Alone and unfolded.
I want you to know that.

Ruthie, if this lovemaking thing
is so terrific,

then how come I fixed this couch
five minutes ago,

and I'm still lying here under it
with my old socks?

[THUDS]

Georgie...

Georgie,

[PIANO CHORD SOUNDS]

Can I come under there with you?
Because I think the ceiling

- is going to kill me.
- Yes, of course.

GEORGIE: Hello.
RUTHIE: Hello.

GEORGIE:
Ruthie, I love you.

RUTHIE:
You don't have to.

GEORGIE:
I know I don't have to, but I do.

RUTHIE:
Well, that's good.

Because I love you too, Georgie.

GEORGIE:
Forever, Ruthie? Always?

RUTHIE:
Yes, Georgie. Forever. Always.

Hold me, Georgie. Hold me.

Georgie, hold me.
The sky is falling. The sky is falling.

GEORGIE [SINGING]:
I'm singing goodbye to goodbye

Farewell to farewell

I'm staying right here with you

Don't you worry
Because I never would kid you

Goodbye to traveling with sorrow

Hello to see you tomorrow

Singing this sweet forever song

Forever

Forever

Used to be a daydream weaver
Used to be a lover and a leaver

But now that's all behind me
You'll be right here to remind me

This time it's forever after

So I'm shouting it from the rafters

Singing this sweet forever

Singing believe you never

Singing my sweet forever song

Forever

Forever

I love your songs.

Forever

They make me cry.

GEORGIE:
Forever

Ruthie, just you
and writing my songs.

That's all I need in the world.

Jesus, school.
I haven't shown up for a month.

Neither has my period.

I thought I better tell you.

Don't worry, honey.

What does that mean?

Don't worry about a thing, honey.

RUTHIE:
What does that mean?

MAN:
Oh, boy.

"Harry Truman makes me nervous."
Oh, boy.

Georgie, Danny Ackerman.

GEORGIE: Who?
- Leon, Danny Ackerman.

- Who?
- Danny Ackerman. His heart, poof.

GEORGIE [VOICEOVER]:
Here we are, doctor,

724 Ocean Avenue,
home of the brave.

On the floor below us is their
restaurant, Leon's Ports of Call,

where occupancy
by more than 42 people

is dangerous, unlawful
and highly unlikely.

Here they are, doctor.

Here they are
as they have always been.

My father is dreaming
of a larger restaurant

and my mother
is reading the obituaries.

My father has had trouble
talking to me

since the day he noticed
I was taller than he was.

You will notice that he talks directly
to my chest,

which is where my head used to be
when I was 12.

Georgie, look at this.

Scarlatti's Cafe, Neptune Avenue.
My competition.

Forty tables.
Can you imagine, Georgie?

Can you imagine what they take
in there one night, a place like that?

Danny Ackerman. Leon, you know,
from the Democratic Club.

Oh, yeah. What about him?

On his way to the airport yesterday,
his heart, in the taxicab.

No warning.
Perfect health in a taxicab.

His heart on the way
to Cleveland, Ohio on business.

Danny Ackerman? I don't believe it.

A life is here, a life is over.

GEORGIE:
Pop, Ma,

there are certain decisions
which I have reached

about not going to school
to be a musicologist and--

Danny. Danny Ackerman?
We just saw him.

On the beach, running in place.

Running, jumping, swimming.

GEORGIE: And about this girl and
marriage and writing songs and I--

He couldn't have been more
than what?

- Sixty-four. Sixty-five, tops. He was--
GEORGIE: Pops, Ma. Heh.

I'll tell you why I came home
this morning.

- To eat.
- No, Leon, it's his birthday.

For what other occasion
would he leave his gorgeous garret

- where God knows what's going on?
- His birthday?

- Happy birthday, Georgie.
- Nineteen years old.

He's playing an out-of-tune piano
in a nightclub.

GEORGIE: It's not a nightclub,
it's a kind of restaurant.

An out-of-tune piano
is a sin to the ears.

- Happy birthday, Georgie.
- Nineteen years old.

Look at the face on that kid,
the intelligence in the eyes.

GEORGIE: There's something
I wish to discuss with you both.

Those are not 19-year-old eyes,
Margot.

GEORGIE:
First, about school.

[PHONE RINGING]

What about school, Georgie?
What's up?

GEORGIE: Well, I wanted
to tell you both together.

MARGOT: Hello. Blanche?
- Tell me. I got to go to the restaurant.

MARGOT:
Blanche, Danny Ackerman.

- What is it, Georgie?
MARGOT: Danny Ackerman.

You know,
from the Democratic Club.

- You need some money?
GEORGIE: No. No money, Pop.

MARGOT: His heart, Blanche,
on the way to Cleveland, Ohio. Yeah.

- Well, what is it, Georgie?
GEORGIE: Some things, some things.

What is it? You got somebody
pregnant? You quit school? What?

GEORGIE: Yes.
- Yes what? What yes?

GEORGIE: Both.
- Both what?

GEORGIE:
Both of what you just said.

What did I just say? What?

Oh. Oh, boy.

You quit school
and somebody's pregnant?

GEORGIE: Right.
- Oh, boy.

GEORGIE:
Well, I wanted to--

Don't tell your mother.
She won't understand.

Somebody
you wanna get married to?

GEORGIE:
Well, I was thinking--

You don't have to.
I know a doctor in New Jersey. I'll fix it.

GEORGIE: Really?
- Mm-hm.

Both waitresses at the restaurant.

They run a shuttle practically
to New Jersey.

GEORGIE:
The thing is, I was thinking--

You tell your mother, I'll kill you.
She won't understand.

She lives with your Aunt Blanche
on Mars.

Your sister Phyllis had an abortion
her last year at Hunter College.

GEORGIE: I didn't know that. Phyllis?
- Shh.

- You tell your mother, I'll kill you.
GEORGIE: Phyllis?

What about school?
You don't wanna be a...?

- What do you call it?
GEORGIE: Musicologist.

No, I don't think so.

- What would you like better?
GEORGIE: I don't know.

Writing songs, maybe.

We're having dinner
at Phyllis' tonight.

You look funny at your sister,
and I'll kill you.

GEORGIE:
I won't.

MARGOT:
Leon, Blanche wants to talk to you.

Come tonight.
After the dinner rush, we'll work it out.

Georgie, I told Blanche
to keep him on the phone.

You got a girl pregnant, right?

GEORGIE: Well, I--
- Garrets and nightclubs.

I know a doctor in New Jersey.
Don't worry.

GEORGIE: Really?
- He was good enough for Phyllis.

- Don't worry.
GEORGIE: Phyllis?

Tell your father, I'll break your neck.
He doesn't know the world

- outside of the restaurant.
GEORGIE: Okay.

After he leaves for work tonight,
we'll talk.

Arrangements.

You're young, Georgie, don't worry.

Don't worry, you'll be free.

GEORGIE: You okay, Ruthie?
- Yeah.

It's just that I thought we'd get married,
Georgie.

Yeah, me too.

- But, see, with school and everything--
- Okay.

- The thing is, when [ finish school--
- Do you love me, Georgie?

Sure, I do.

- Now, don't worry, there's a doctor--
- It's okay.

I told my sister.

She got me this doctor
in New Jersey.

Oh.

I gotta go now.

I told my sister
I'd be home by supper.

- She worries a lot now.
- Oh.

I'll be in New Jersey a couple of days,
Georgie.

Uh-huh.

- Will you wait for me, Georgie?
- Sure.

- Georgie, sometimes I think--
- I can't hear you, Ruthie.

I think sometimes you never got out
from under that couch.

GEORGIE:
Hey, doc.

Ruthie Tresh.

Pretty, pretty Ruthie Tresh.

Red hair and lime green sweaters.

Heard she got married
to a neurologist

and lives in Forest Hills,

where the sky never falls.

DR. MOSES [ON RECORDING]:
Hello. Good morning. How are you?

This is a machine speaking to you.

When you hear the machine
go beep, beep,

you will please leave your name,
your telephone number

and your message.

[LINE BEEPS]

Beep, beep.

Right. Gotcha, doc.

That's the clearest thing
you've said to me in seven years.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

MARTY:
Georgie. Georgie, baby.

We're here. We love you.

Oh, Georgie.

Georgie, we're here.

- We love you. Right, Lemuel?
LEMUEL: Love.

What are you doing here?
How'd you get here?

On the wings of joy, George.
On the wings of joy and happiness.

- Joy.
- What the hell you doing here?

Well, you said to come, Georgie.

Your production manager called.

Said you wanted to talk about a demo
with my boy.

What production manager?

MARTY: Kellerman, he said.
- Marty, go away.

- Georgie, look at these contracts.
- Away, Marty. Go away.

Humiliation, Georgie,
a hundred percent.

- Marty, I want you out of here.
MARTY: He doesn't like white singers.

It's not your fault.
Goddamn racist. White is beautiful.

Marty, get out of here!
Get out of here!

You're crazy, Soloway. Look at you.

You're crazy. He told me about you.

You're crazy.

[GEORGIE HUMMING]

DR. MOSES:
A loony bird, Mr. Soloway.

A crazy, nutsy, loony bird.

[GEORGIE HUMMING]

Somebody.

Gotta talk to somebody.

Who's around, who's up,
who do I know?

Hey, my old buddy. Yeah.

[LINE RINGS]

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]:
Hello. Midtown.

Hey, Midtown Drugs.

How the hell are you,
Midtown Drugs?

Oh, Mr. Soloway.

Yeah.
Send me an overdose of anything.

What'll it be tonight, Mr. Soloway?

The reason for living,
some bubble bath and a comb.

Mr. Soloway,
we're kind of busy here.

- If there's nothing I can send you--
- Uh, matter of fact, I need a shave.

I could use
some shaving equipment.

Fine. What'll it be?
Blades, razor, cream?

First thing I'm gonna need is a face.
You can't shave without a face.

Midtown, send me a face.

[BABY CRYING]

GEORGIE [SINGING]:
Free as the sun and moon

Free as a bird

Free as a bird

Free as a bird in the sky

Free as a cloud rolling by

Hey, Gloria,
come on out on the terrace.

The sun is shining. It's terrific.

GLORIA:
I'm reading the papers, Georgie.

[SINGING]
Free as me rolling by

What's the connection
between reading the papers

and not coming out on the terrace,
Gloria?

I'm just reading the papers, Georgie.

[SINGING]
Free as me rolling by

In my Pontiac
My Pontiac, my Pontiac

What's the point of us
having this big, beautiful terrace

with sun pouring onto it
if you're never gonna use it, Gloria?

I use the terrace, Georgie.

In all the time we've been here,
you've never been out on the terrace.

Will you tell me why is that?

Just because we have a terrace,

there's no reason
that I have to feel obligated

to that terrace
to be out on it all the time.

I'm not asking you
to sleep on the terrace

or live on the terrace, Gloria.

I'm just asking you to come out
and read the papers with me on it.

[STRUMMING GUITAR]

[SINGING]
Free as a bird rolling by

Gloria, I'm gonna ask you once more
to come out on this terrace

because I know that you will love
and enjoy being on this terrace.

You could probably get
a nice sunburn.

And I'm gonna drop the subject.

[BOY CHUCKLES]

GEORGIE [SINGING]:
Free as me rolling by

It would really be a pleasant way

to spend the afternoon, Gloria,
believe me.

Gloria, please come out on the terrace.
There's iced coffee out here for you.

- Okay. Here I am.
GEORGIE: Good.

- Want some iced coffee?
- No, thank you.

Georgie,

did you marry me
because I was pregnant?

GEORGIE:
Huh?

I was just in there,
and I started to cry on the newspapers,

and I wondered if you married me
because I was pregnant.

[GEORGE CHUCKLES]

Chrissake, Gloria,
that was ten years ago.

Twelve. Did you?

Twelve years ago
and you're just asking me now?

I always meant to ask you.

Chrissake, Gloria, I mean,
why all of a sudden now?

Because last night, when you made
love to me, you called me Sandra.

And two months ago,
you called me Jan.

And since your making love to me
is a rare enough occasion,

I just wish you would at least
get my name straight.

Because you were in California
on business

for at least six months this year.

And when you are here,
your eyes never look into mine.

And suddenly before I started to cry
all over the magazine section,

and I wondered if you married me
because I was pregnant.

I married you because I loved you,
Gloria.

And now?

And now I got this problem.

It's not you. It's nothing personal.
I got this problem about time.

See,
it's like this house is full of time.

I was sitting in there thinking about
when you were playing piano

at the Paradise Café.

I was waiting on tables a year
before you noticed me.

Time keeps going by.

I keep thinking
how come I got two kids and I...?

I feel like I'm only 18.

One night we're closing up and
I found you asleep on the piano bench,

so I covered you up
with a checkered tablecloth.

It's nothing personal, see?

Our kids, those goddamn kids,
they keep ticking at me like clocks.

When you woke up, you said:

"Who are you?"
And I said, "Gloria De Cecco.

I've been watching you sleep.”

- It's like goddamn clocks, those kids.
- That was 12 years ago.

And sometimes at night,
I still watch you sleep.

I get terrified.

"Forever," you said.
"Forever and always."

So when you were away last month,
I went to speak to Arnie.

I mean, I had to talk about this
to somebody.

You know how he is when he listens,
good old Arnie.

He keeps puffing on that cigar.

I talked to him all night.

And then I slept with him.

I don't understand how I could do that,
Georgie.

I started thinking I was crazy.

I mean, I love being married to you.

I love you.

I even like laundry.

What do you think, Georgie?
Do you think I'm crazy?

- Did you hear what I told you?
- Sure.

- You want some iced coffee?
- No, thank you.

- What would you like?
- A divorce.

GEORGIE: That was fast.
MAN: Short and sweet. Wowee, baby.

GEORGIE:
A couple of seconds.

Wowee, baby.

Hey, listen, is this thing really legal?

It's hard to believe.

- Is this any good?
- Sure, it's good.

You betcha, baby. That's it.

They stamp the old seal on there, kid,
and it's over for good.

That's it, baby.
Forever, always, you're free.

[PHONE KEYPAD BEEPING]

[LINE RINGS]

WOMAN [OVER SPEAKER]:
Hello, 5702. Good morning.

It's Mr. Soloway.
Any messages, darling?

Mr. Soloway, Box F-18.
Good morning, F-18.

You have a message on July 3rd
from a Mr. Kellerman.

He says, "Have a safe
and sane Fourth. Love, Harry.”

[BELLS RINGING]

There's nothing else for you, F-18.

Sure there is.
Somebody else must've called.

Look again, darling.

There's no point in looking again.
There's nothing for you, F-18.

DR. MOSES:
Merry Christmas. Ho, ho.

[BELLS RING]

Merry Christmas, nutsy person.
Ho, ho.

GEORGIE: Dr. Moses, what--?
- Yeah.

Dr. Moses, why are you dressed
like that? That's crazy.

You with the cowboy hat,
you call me crazy?

Okay, Charley,
what do you want for Christmas?

But it's only July.

Sure, July, Christmas. Why not?

Boy, you are some crazy person,
Charley.

- Georgie. My name is Georgie.
- Your name is Charley.

And Christmas is in July. Wacko.

- But, Dr. Moses--
- Don't argue with me what's crazy.

I know crazy, and you're crazy.

I got now hanging around with me eight
fellows who think they're reindeers.

So I got no time for you, fruitcake.

Busy, busy, busy.

Every place is craziness.

So quick. What do you want
for Christmas, Charley?

I'd like a new life
and a day without fear.

Oh, that's a shame.

I got you a choc-choc train.

- But I don't want a--
- Wise up, Charley.

- Take the choo-choo.
- But I want--

- I want--
- Okay, Charley, that's it.

No more presents for you.

- Wait, wait.
- No more presents for you, booby.

[BELLS RINGING]

MAN:
Georgie's mother.

Georgie's mother.

Georgie's mother.

Can Georgie come out and play?

SAMANTHA:
What are we doing here, Sidney?

We're visiting my buddy George.

It's George's visiting hour.

Come on down, George.

Come on down into the world.

And now, Samantha...

What are we gonna do now, Sidney?

The grown-ups are going to talk
and you're going home.

- Oh, but, Sidney, you promised.
-1 lie a lot.

- But you said--
- Never listen to what I say.

Now, come on,
you tuck yourself into a taxi,

because I have to talk to Georgie.

Here, come on. Come on.

He's the one
who wrote "Last Morning."

A taxi, Samantha. Those are
the yellow cars with the lights on top.

Oh, Sidney.

Samantha, you are very good
at arriving, but you leave badly.

Now, you be a good girl

and I'll take you to Thailand
for the weekend.

Taxi.

[WHISTLES]

Taxi.

[WHISTLES]

Samantha, in New York,
there are no more dragons left to slay,

so I shot you a taxi.

Good night and good morning.

We leave for Thailand Friday.

Samantha, darling,
you are leaving beautifully.

Departure excellent.

Oh, Georgie, 2 dum-dum,
a ding-dong.

Her head belongs
in a Cracker Jack box

and her ass in the Louvre.

Where is it, Georgie? Tell me.

Where is the right combination?

I shall have to screw
every attractive girl

within the limits
of the city of New York.

It's a dirty job, Georgie,
but somebody's got to do it.

Lovely outfit, Georgie.
You look terrible.

Oh, Jesus, Sid, I'm glad to see you.
I gotta talk to you.

I came as soon as I got your message.

- Message?
- Yeah. "Emergency,

- crash dive, red alert."
- Oh, yeah.

This Kellerman thing
is getting worse.

SIDNEY:
Don't worry, man.

I figure he's doing you a service,
getting rid of the losers.

It's time you put together
a new stable anyway.

No sleep, Sid, no sleep.

- Maybe I better call my doctor again.
- Oh, come, you and that doc.

Docs are taking over the world.

Blessed are the docs
for they shall inherit the meek.

I know what you need, Georgie.

Now, for inspiration,
let us, uh, turn to the good book.

- No, it ain't gonna help.
- Ah, let us see what we got here.

- We got Susan Sometime.
- Split.

- Sometime Susan never fails.
- She split.

She split.

Now, wait a minute. Stoney Jeannie.

- Stoney Joannie's on the scene.
- No, not tonight.

Georgie, Ping-Pong Julie.

Ping-Pong Julie.

- Tall, nutsy eyes.
- I don't know.

True love, my darling man.
It's all in the book, the love book.

You got the pre-dawn crazies
and true love is the answer.

- Let's get down to business.
- I wanna talk.

Chick from the audition.
Did you score there?

- Allison.
- Right.

GEORGIE:
You know, she's really a lovely girl.

SIDNEY: Yeah? Let me give you
the word on Allison.

- The chick's a grabber.
- She's not.

SIDNEY:
Oh, I see it in her eyes.

She's with the raiding party.

She lies in wait for the walking
wounded and grabs off the strays.

But you don't know her, Sid.
This one's different.

Georgie, the chick's a grabber,
I tell you true.

But tonight, you know, I--
I've been thinking about getting older,

about how much time I got coming.

Georgie, listen to me.

How many hits we write together?
Twenty-two, babe?

- Twenty-one.
- Twenty-one golden beauties.

Three this year alone, Georgie.

This city is ours,
and we're still young.

We're young, Georgie.
Allisons and Allisons to go.

Georgie, do not make funeral
arrangements until you're dead.

Oh, I've seen the way
these Allisons operate.

It's Robespierre, man.
It's the reign of terror.

She's just looking
to cop a basketful of heads.

Sid, if they're mostly losers,

when are you gonna know
when a winner shows up? I mean--

SIDNEY: I am Baron von Richthofen,
and I am flying over enemy territory.

When I go down,
it'll be an ace who gets me.

I don't know, Sid.

Speaking about planes,
what happened to the flying Tuesday?

You were supposed
to give me a call.

Oh, well, see, uh,

Allison and me,
Hook her up in the plane.

- I'm sorry, I should have called. I--
- Yeah. Yeah, right.

Splitting time.

Quarter to four. I got some quality
Swedish merchandise flying in.

- Stewardess?
- Yeah. Air freight.

Can't be beat for speed
and reliability.

- Well, I won't keep you, then.
- You bet you won't.

GEORGIE:
Okay, so long.

- Hey, friend.
- Yeah?

Watch the skies.

I repeat, watch the skies
for low-flying starlings.

They ruin the motor.

I'll watch out, Sid.

Hell you true, sir.

[PHONE KEYPAD BEEPING]

[PHONE DIALING]

[LINE RINGING]

MAN [ON RECORDING]:
Hello.

You've called the Fifth Avenue
Presbyterian Church Dial-a-Prayer.

- All right.
- Let us pray.

I'm with you, baby.

0 God, out of the silence
of our souls,

- we ask for thy solemn word.
- Amen.

Out of the confusion of our lives,
we ask for a concrete word

which will guide us.

Speak to us today, 0 God,

out of thy great word from the Bible,
and from our fellow men.

Teach us to be sensitive enough
to listen.

Give us courage to go on
when we are in doubt, afraid, or alone.

Right. Give me the word.

- Amen.
- Wait a second, hey.

Thanks for calling.

Wait a second,
you didn't give me the word.

! enjoyed praying with you.

Give me the word.

Goodbye.

[PHONE WHIRS THEN CLICKS]

Give me the goddamn word.

[DOOR OPENS]

Okay, what is it?

Georgie, what do you want?

Irwin, bunny, how are you?

Oh, no. Georgie, it's 4:30
in the morning, Georgie.

Irwin, my cuteness.

How's the most adorable accountant
in the world?

I am so sleepy.

Irwin and Marcy.

- Oh...
- Fine organization.

Surely Irwin and Marcy shall follow me

- all the days of--
- Georgie, what do you want?

Irwin, you're losing weight.
You don't look well.

- I can't get any sleep.
- Sleep. Sleep is important.

You keep waking me up.

Four times already this week,
emergency, crisis, come right over.

You understand that-- No sugar.

I thought we should talk.

About what?

Business. Let's talk business.

Irwin, let's buy something.
Irwin, wake up.

- Let's make out a big check.
- Ah.

Irwin, you know, you don't look well.
I'm concerned.

- I'm sleepy, Georgie.
- Irwin, are you my friend?

- I'm your accountant, Georgie.
- Irwin, my friend...

...let's buy this building.

[IRWIN LAUGHING]

Tonight? The whole building?

Now. This week.

Aw, Georgie, to consider a venture
like that you have to re-evaluate.

- What? What?
- Your expenses, Georgie.

The planes, those incredible gifts,
and, of course, the women.

- You know all about me.
- I get the bills.

The bills, the confessions,
like a priest.

Please, Irwin, stay awake.

- Do you have any children?
- Three.

1 didn't even know you were married.

Sixteen years, I never asked you.
You must hate me.

- What's your wife's name?
- Marcia.

- Would you like a drink?
- No, I just got up.

- Marcia. Do you love her?
- Of course, yes.

Do you love me?

[LAUGHS]

Georgie, I'm your accountant.
It's not a matter of love or hate.

No, wrong. Everything,

it's all a matter of love and hate.
What's wrong with you?

Don't you understand about life?
Don't you listen to my songs?

I'm shouting, forgive me.
Irwin, have a drink.

Irwin, wake up. Just stay awake.

You know everything about me.
What do you think about me?

I-- Well, I-- I don't really--

Sixteen years.
You must have some opinion.

Oh, Georgie.
It's 4:30 in the morning, Georgie.

It's the longest continuous relationship
I got with anybody.

- Georgie, please.
- You gotta be my friend

- after all this time.
- Georgie.

Georgie, of course. Georgie.

You don't approve of my women.

You see, I'm still relatively young, I--

Hey, there's no need to explain.

As an older man, you don't realize.

Hey, I'm only ten months
older than you, George.

I haven't slept for days.

[GROANS]

Did you bring
a quarterly earnings report?

Oh, no. Not again.

Just read it to me, Irwin.
It's the only way I can sleep.

It's the fourth time this week.

Once more, bunny.
Those nice, warm numbers.

It's crazy, Georgie.

Please, ten minutes.

Ah... Okay, for just a few minutes.

GEORGIE:
My pop used to sing me to sleep.

- Oh, it's quite mad.
- Hm.

GEORGIE [SINGING]:
Georgie Porgie ran, ran away

[IRWIN CLEARS THROAT]

"Horizons Unlimited
quarterly earnings report,

including fees for individual
assigned compositions,

airplay tabulations
and mechanicals, per title.

Page one. Installment payments
accrued to total fees.

Third payment, U.S. government
for Coast Guard national anthem,

'Guardians of Our Shores":
11,850."

[STEEL DRUMS PLAYING
AND CROWD CHATTERING]

CROWD [CHANTING]:
Jump now! Jump now! Jump now!

Jump now! Jump now! Jump now!

Jump now! Jump now! Jump now!

Jump now! Jump now! Jump now!

Jump now! Jump now! Jump now!

Jump now! Jump now! Jump now!

Okay, coming right down. Okay.

CROWD:
Jump now! Jump now! Jump now!

GEORGIE:
Hey, Gloria.

What's the trouble, huh?

- I've been sending the checks regular.
GLORIA: Who's that?

Gloria, it's me, Georgie,
your loving ex.

Georgie, how are you?

I'm knocking myself off.

Georgie, please, these are my people.
I'm working this crowd.

No, Gloria, I drew these fans.

You're doing my number.

This is my material.

I'm going over very big here.

Oh, Georgie, you gonna ruin this
for me like everything else?

CROWD:
Jump now! Jump now! Jump now!

Gloria, do you still love me?

CROWD:
Jump now! Jump now! Jump now!

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

I can't hear you, Gloria.

Jump now! Jump now! Jump now!

Jump now! Jump now! Jump now!

[CROWD CHEERING]

MAN:
Oh, yeah!

MAN:
Oh, yeah!

[THUDS]

GEORGIE:
Oh, boy.

Sorry to drop in on you like this, doc,
but I--

I just had the worst night of my life.

Closed my eyes and I'm falling.
It's-- Falling.

What do you think, doctor?

What does it mean?

[IN JAMAICAN ACCENT]
I think you got devils in your head.

Huh?

Yes, man,
you got the devil in the head.

The bad devils come in the blood,
we got to get them out.

You go to lake, man.

You get the codfish,

put the fish on your head.

Take out all the bad devils
out of the blood.

- Codfish?
- Oh, yes, the fish, man.

- I wanna try that.
- The fish take out all the bad devils.

What about this Kellerman thing,
doctor?

Your hour is up now, man.

- Oh, I just want--
- The hour is up now, man.

- Yeah, but--
- Daylight come

- and me wanna go home.
- One second.

DR. MOSES:
Oh, tallyman.

This Kellerman thing, see, I can't...

Tallyman, tally me banana.

GEORGIE:
You can't talk now, huh?

Daylight come
and me wanna go home.

[GRUNTS]

[IRWIN MUMBLING]

[GEORGIE SIGHS]

Goddamn, Moses.

[IRWIN CONTINUES MUMBLING]

[GEORGIE SHUSHING]

Sleep, daddy-o, sleep.

GEORGIE:
We gotta find him. Chomsky?

Yes, sir.

- Tonight.
CHOMSKY: Yes, sir.

[DR. HOOK AND THE MEDICINE
SHOW'S "BUNKY AND LUCILLE"]

[TURNS RADIO OFF]

You like that song, Chomsky?

Yes, sir.

Number eight on the singles chart
and climbing like an eagle.

Any requests?

No, sir.

Oh.

[HUMMING
AND STRUMMING GUITAR]

Allison.

Chomsky, you remember that girl
from the audition?

Sir?

You drove us around last week,
remember?

Many young ladies back there, sir.

No, this one you would remember.

GEORGIE:
She was quite lovely.

A little older than the others.

Hello. Sorry I was late. I'm late.

HALLORAN: Like to sing for us now?
ALLISON: Yes, sing. Yes.

HALLORAN:
Or we could just chat for a while.

Chat. Great.
Let's chat for a while. Great.

HALLORAN:
Tell us what you've been up to.

Up to?

HALLORAN:
Tell us what you've been doing.

ALLISON: Doing?
- Would you consider yourself

primarily a singer,
or an actress, or what?

Uh... An amnesia victim.

Fellows, either you're in my nightmare,
or I'm in yours.

Darling, what would you like to do?

ALLISON:
Leave.

I'm sorry, I can't do these auditions.
I have to leave now.

"Filters can be fun."
I just remembered.

That's the last thing I did.
A commercial.

I had fun with a filter.

Green Mist cigarettes.

We finished chatting now? Hm.

I think I'm finished chatting now,
Mr. Halloran.

Old chick. This is an old loony chick,
I tell you, Georgie.

The name of the show is Now.

Now, you get it, babies?

I'm not handing over Now music
to yesterday's chicks.

HALLORAN:
Would you like to sing now, Linda?

Yes.

HALLORAN:
Did you bring your accompanist?

No, nobody. No. No one.

HALLORAN:
Do you have the sheet music?

Yeah. Got that. Yeah.

HALLORAN:
Just hand it right over to Chuck, dear.

Chuck dear, where?

HALLORAN:
Right down in the pit.

Right in front of you.

Ah, ghosts.
This place is full of ghosts.

[PIANO PLAYING]

Oh.

The piano.

- There's a piano down there.
HALLORAN: Right.

Well...
Uh, this is a very, very old song.

Now is not 2 good title for me.

If your show was called Last Tuesday
or maybe 1957...

I had a very good year,
and a good summer.

- Especially in 1957, I remember.
HALLORAN: Just relax.

That's what I was gonna do,
is relax and sing, Pete.

HALLORAN:
Exactly.

["PAINTING THE CLOUDS
WITH SUNSHINE" PLAYS ON PIANO]

[SINGING]
When ! pretend I'm gay

I never feel that way

I'm only painting the clouds

With sunshine

[WHISPERS]
Tomorrow babies.

ALLISON:
When I hold back a tear

To make a smile appear

Georgie, it's hopeless.

I'm only painting the clouds
With sunshine

HALLORAN:
Georgie...

ALLISON:
Painting the blues

Beautiful hues

Colored with gold and old rose

Playing the clown

Trying to drown

All of my woes

Linda, thank you.

ALLISON:
Though things may not look bright

HALLORAN:
Linda, thank you.

They'll all turn out all right

HALLORAN:
Miss Kaiser, thank you.

- Oh.
HALLORAN: Thank you.

- A pleasure to meet you. Thank you.
- The best part was just coming up.

HALLORAN:
That'll be fine for now, thanks.

I have three good notes.
I never seem to get to them.

HALLORAN: We don't have the time.
-l can't leave.

HALLORAN: What?
-l can't leave.

I'm sorry, ll-- I can't leave.

I can't seem to let go of this lamp
right now.

You fellas go ahead.
I'll be all right soon.

- We got a crazy lady here, Georgie.
- Go ahead, Peter. I'll take care of it.

Ronnie, why don't you give me
the house lights, then you can go.

- Hello.
ALLISON: Hello.

I feel like I just auditioned
for the part of human being,

and I didn't get the job.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

See, it took me three weeks
to get this audition,

and I bought a new dress,
and I worked on my song.

And I had my hair done.
Mr. Max, 22.50,

a work of art, with lashes.

And now I can't leave right away.
I just can't leave right away.

I will just have to hang around here
for a while, see?

Fine.

Fine. Sit where you are.

Thank you. I can't move anyway.
My hand is stuck on this lamp.

Really physically stuck?

Yeah, it happens all the time.
I get stuck onto things.

Chairs, coffee cups,
doorknobs, people.

I'll be all right soon.

Just don't shake hands with me
or anything.

You have kind eyes.

It's funny to see your face
after all that darkness.

It's a nervous face, but kind eyes.

Really?

Oh, God, I hate these auditions.

I'm not what you're looking for.
Heh-heh-heh.

I'm not even Linda Kaiser.

She's my roommate.

My name is Allison Densmore.

I never use it because it sounds so old,
centuries old.

Oh, it's... It's a nice name.
It's kind of graceful.

Sounds like a lot of doilies to me.

It's very beautiful here
with the lights on.

This is-- This is a great set
for Lucia di Lammermoor.

Dawn on the moors.

I study opera, every day an hour.
You like opera?

Yeah.

I have them all in here.

Opera is the best.

People live at the top of their lives
and die very beautifully.

Lucia and Eduardo,
they meet on this moor at dawn.

She saves him, in a way,

but mostly he saves her
from a wild bull,

and she's crazy about him,
but so they save each other.

[ALLISON CHUCKLING]

Mister, listen to me.
I'm still auditioning.

All the time I think I'm auditioning.

I wake up in the morning
and the whole world says:

"Thank you very much,
Miss Densmore.

That'll be enough for now."

I'm crying so odd, one eye at a time.

Hey, can I get you some coffee, hm?

Something you'd like?

No. Mostly I'd like to get my hand
off this lamp.

I have to go back to work soon.

I'm a corporate librarian.
That's a file clerk.

With only three good notes,

you have to back yourself up
with something. Heh.

Think I'll be able to get this lamp
in a taxi?

I'm crying from the other eye now.

These-- These auditions, uh,
I don't blame you.

No, no. It's not the audition.

It's not that.

Then why are you crying?

Heh-heh. It's my birthday.

I'm 34 years old today,
and I'm not prepared.

I'm prepared for 22.

Right now, I could do a great 22.

I woke up this morning,
and all of a sudden, I was not young.

I was not old,
but I'm all of a sudden not young.

Sure you're young.

Not young enough for this dress.

Not young enough
to be a corporate librarian

with three good notes
and a briefcase full of opera.

Mister, I don't understand
what happened to the time.

[SNIFFS]

All of a sudden,
I'm going into my tenth year

looking for a new apartment.

I'm not much of a singer,

and I'm not a gifted file clerk either.

The one good thing I'm good at
is being married.

But my husband wasn't.
That was ten years ago.

[LAUGHS]

I've never learned another trade.

The time, mister,

it's not a thief at all, like they say.
It's something much sneakier.

It's an embezzler,
up nights, juggling the books

so you don't notice
anything's missing.

Hey. Heh.

I let go of the lamp. Heh.

Yes, you did.

Now I have your arm.

- Yeah.
- Look at that.

Do you wanna let it go? Can you?

I don't want to.

I don't want to.

[GUITAR PLAYING]

[SINGING]
Oh, I'm gonna teach you

A ricky-ticky song

Kind of silly, but it ain't too long

Oh, you can't go wrong
Singing my ricky-ticky song

You just go
Ricky-ticky, ticky, ticky

Ricky-ticky, ticky, ticky
Ricky-ticky, ticky, ticky

Come on.

Ricky-ticky
Ricky-ticky, ticky, ticky

Can't go wrong
Singing my ricky-ticky song

Try it.

You just go Scooby dooby, dooby,
dooby, dooby, dooby, dooby, dooby

Scooby dooby, dooby, dooby

Come on, Allison.

Scooby dooby, dooby, dooby, dooby

It's a very cheery, cheery song

[ALLISON HARMONIZING]

Scooby dooby, doob, dooby, dooby

Scooby dooby, dooby, doob, doob

- [SINGING] Scooby dooby
- Oh, you can't go wrong

With my ricky-ticky
Scooby dooby song

Scooby dooby song

- You can't go wrong
- Can't go wrong

- Singing my song
- Singing my song

- Can't go wrong
- Can't go wrong

- Singing my song
- Singing my song

Can't go wrong

ALLISON:
This thing really flies by itself. Ha-ha.

BOTH:
Can't go wrong singing my song

[BOTH HUMMING]

GEORGIE:
Happy birthday.

ALLISON:
Thank you.

You wanna sleep with me now?

What about your roommate?

Linda Kaiser.

I made her up.

She protects me.

Some fellas, I have a roommate.
Some, I don't.

The plane, mister,
is that your number?

Your make-out routine?

No, I usually go up alone.

Sorry.

Loneliness has made me
a smart-ass.

- Yeah, when you're alone--
- 1 didn't say alone, I said lonely.

There's a difference.

If we're going to bed,
we better start now.

It's a long trip.

It's dark.

Be careful not to step on my mother.

She lives in the linoleum
and moans all night.

You make it all sound
very attractive.

[CHUCKLING]

That's my routine. I make jokes.

I make jokes because you'll be gone
before I wake up,

and I'm gonna miss you.

- How do you know that?
- Because that's the way it goes.

One of the few things I know
is the way it goes.

Fact is, uh, I will have to leave
pretty early. My work--

I know your work, mister.

You're an escape artist.

And if I tell you I love you,
you'll leave my bed in a rocket.

But I know all that.

So don't worry,
nothing dangerous will happen.

There will be no loving.

I promise you, you're safe.

[ALLISON SIGHS]

Thank you for my birthday.

I was sitting on my fire escape
this morning

with my imitation citrus-flavored
dietary beverage,

thinking about dying.

There's this man
who types every morning,

this woman who waters
six geranium plants.

They, uh...
They're right across the alley.

They're there every morning
like the sun.

And I'm thinking, "Isn't it amazing
how we're all gonna die?"

I mean, isn't it amazing
how we keep typing

and watering geraniums
and buying new dishes,

and we're all gonna die anyway?

Then you took me up.

You put the city in my hand.

You're not gonna like this,

but there was love in what you did.

You'll leave tomorrow,
but the feeling won't.

And I thank you for it.

This morning,
I was thinking about dying,

and tonight,
I'm thinking about living.

That's a very snappy
birthday present.

It's a pleasure to meet you, George.

How do you do?

ALLISON:
Funny, this is how I first saw you.

GEORGIE:
What do you mean?

ALLISON:
In the dark.

Hey, I love her.

Kellerman.

If he ruins this for me...

Chomsky, we gotta find him tonight.

[PANTING]

Doctor, this tunnel...

...it doesn't seem to have an end.

That is correct.

So if it's all the same to you...

DR. MOSES:
Heh. I'm sorry, Mr. Soloway,

but there's no beginning either.

That will be 50 cents, please.

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

CHILDREN [SINGING]:
Georgie Porgie

Pudding and pie

Kissed the girls and made them cry

When the girls came out to play

Georgie Porgie ran, ran away

Georgie Porgie ran, ran away

Georgie Porgie ran, ran away

Georgie Porgie ran, ran away

Georgie Porgie ran, ran away

LEON:
Four crates of tomatoes,

a crate of carrots,

some pickles.

I'd like about 2 or 300 pounds
of potatoes.

Okay. Thanks very much.

GEORGIE:
Hello, Pop.

Georgie, it's 5a.m.

- Something wrong. What?
- No, Pop.

Just wanted to talk.

About what? Five o'clock. What?

Pop, how are you?

Fine, fine.

Five o'clock.

- Uh, how's the, uh, restaurant?
- Closed. It's 5:00.

How come you're up?

I don't sleep good.

How come you?

I don't sleep good either.

You were on the telephone.

The vegetable market.
I call in the order.

Georgie,
I don't see you now a long time.

I heard your new tune.

It's a crackerjack, believe me.
Terrific.

Go home, go to sleep.
Don't worry. A crackerjack.

- Thanks, Pop.
- Listen, I got terrific news for you.

Last week, I put you on the menu.

I got them all in there,
the greats from show business,

sandwiches named after them.

- And now you, Georgie.
- Oh, thanks, Pop.

Well, what's new with you?
How's business?

Business is good.

- You see TIME magazine this week?
- TIME magazine.

Yeah, terrific, Georgie,
except what they had on the cover.

- They put gray in your hair.
- Hm?

Yeah, you got some gray in there.

What else is new? How's Gloria?

What do you mean, how's Gloria?
We were divorced five years ago.

- Oh, for a second, I--
- All right, forget it.

How's, uh, business with you?

New places opening
in the neighborhood.

Cheap places, cheap food.
They grab all the lunch business.

Nobody cares.
Plastic tables, plastic food.

Across the street now,
they got Eat-O-Rama.

A monster, 94 tables.

Can you imagine, Georgie,
what they take in there,

one night, a place like that?

For chrissake, Pop,
why don't you move, expand,

get a new restaurant?
You keep sending back my checks.

I don't want them.

What the hell's the point?
Take the goddamn money.

There's no point.

What do you mean?

Because I'm dying.
I got something with the arteries.

Arterio something.

Makes me talk foolish.

I forget things, like about Gloria.

My head gets silly,
I get days mixed up,

sometimes years.

1 didn't know.

So there's no point expanding
at the present time.

Pop, I'm sorry.

How do you feel?

Cheated.

I had plans. Seems so fast.

I'm very old, but it still seems fast.

A finger snap. An appetizer.

- Is there anything I can do?
- Yeah.

Queens Park Cemetery,
remember the name.

Terrific place.

Right across the river. Terrific view.

Pop, don't talk about this.

I put your name on the menu.

Got all the greats in there.

Sandwiches named after them,
the Jackie Gleason Special,

Johnny Carson Salad,
Sammy Davis, Merv Griffin.

All of them I got in there,
and now you.

- Great. What am 17?
- You're a triple-decker sandwich.

- Beautiful, beautiful.
- The Georgie Soloway Triple-Decker.

Fresh thin-sliced Novy,
Golden Lake sturgeon, cream cheese,

chives optional, sliced Bermuda onion

- Wow.
- and toasted thick pumpernickel.

- With a side of coleslaw?
- Of course, with a side of coleslaw.

- Pop, I'm immortal.
- Sure.

Now go to sleep.

- Goodbye, Pop.
- Goodbye, Georgie.

Margolies?

Thief, bandit.
Where's my dairy items?

Soon starts the breakfast rush
and I'm sitting here without an egg.

Well, speak to your delivery man.

Speak to your chickens.

GEORGIE [SINGING]:
Better take it slow

'Cause the grub's run out

And the water's low

And we still got miles
And miles to go

Till we get to San Antonio

Cactus cuts me, skeeters bite

Coyote laughing out there in the night

Storm's coming up
So we better make camp

Oh, life ain't so simple
For a saddle tramp

Oh, now, easy there, Sam

Better take it slow

'Cause the grub's run out

And the water's low

We still got miles and miles to go

Till we get to San Antonio

Oh, Sam, he's a good old horse

Almost blind
And he don't know we're lost

When they find us
They won't give a damn

They'll say, "Just an old horse
And a saddle tramp”

Oh, now, easy there, Sam

Better take it slow

'Cause the grub's run out

And the water's low

And we still got miles
And miles to go

We still got miles and miles to go

We still got miles and miles to go

Still got miles and miles to go

Jesus, Queens Park Cemetery.

Where the hell is that?

[GEORGIE HUMMING]

Found it, Pop.

Looks like a lot
of little office buildings.

Big place.

Must be 50 acres.

Can you imagine, Pop?

Can you imagine what they take in,
one night, a place like that?

[HUMMING]

Skyphone operator 6,
code 473 Soloway.

WOMAN [OVER RADIO]:
Skyphone operator 6.

Good morning.

Check information, uh...

A Mrs. Ruth Charleton,

or a Dr. Charleton in Queens.

Sir, I have an office
and a residence

fora Dr. Bernard [.. Chariletor.

Yeah, sweetheart,
give me the residence.

[LINE RINGING]

BOY [OVER SPEAKER]:
Hello.

GEORGIE:
Who is this, please?

BOY: This is Danny Charieton
and I waked up.

Beautiful.
Is your mother's name Ruthie?

- Ruth?
- Yes.

- 1 just now waked up.
- Great.

- May I speak to her, please?
- Okay.

RUTHIE:
Hello? Hello?

Hello, Ruthie.

- Hey, Ruth. Ruthie.
- Just who is this?

Who's calling at this hour?

Hey, Ruthie, it's...

- It's me, Georgie.
- Who is this, for God's sake?

I can't hear you.

I'm sorry, Ruthie. I'm sorry.

Hello?
Is anybody there, for God's sake?

- It's 6:00 in the morning.
- Ruthie...

Hello?

- Who is this? Speak louder.
- Ruthie, the sky is falling.

The sky is falling.

Hello?

Hello?

[GEORGIE HUMMING]

GEORGIE:
Level out, level out.

[GEORGIE SIGHS]

Just close my eyes.

Sleep a little.

It's like snow. It's like warm snow.

DR. MOSES:
Hi, crazy-head.

Ready for your ski lesson, Georgie?

Hi, doc, baby.

The snow is perfect today.

Thought we'd work on your turns.

Still haven't gotten the knack
of the old turns, baby.

GEORGIE:
Got to speak to Allison first.

Tell her I love her.

I'm tired, doc. So tired.

Checked under the hood
and I've been driving a thousand miles

without a motor.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

MAN [OVER PHONE]:
Hello. Is this Allison Densmore?

Yes.

I'm a friend of Georgie Sofoway's.

I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour,

but my conscience would not allow me
to wait another moment.

- Who is this?
- I feel it is my duty to warn you--

ALLISON:
Who is this, please?

Hello?

Who is this, please?

My name is Harry Kellerman.

Harry...

...Kellerman.

[SINGING]
Happy dancing fingers

Skipping over the keys

Lightly as a butterfly

Gentle as a breeze

DR. MOSES:
Hey, Georgie.

Today we're gonna try
the two-mile run, Georgie.

Think you're ready, nutsy person?

Yeah, doc, baby.

[SINGING]
Music is a mountain

Let us see how far
We all can climb

[ENGINE REVVING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]