Who Invited Charlie? (2022) - full transcript

(calm music)

(upbeat music)

- [Jess] There is no future.

- [Phil] What the
hell does that mean?

- It means I don't
wanna do this anymore.

- Okay, here we
go. Listen, Jess.

Do you have any idea the hoops
that I had to jump through

to get away on a Saturday?

- No. Tell me.

- It doesn't really matter.

- It does matter.
It matters to me.



- Oh my God.

- What do you think I
had to do, honey? Hmm?

I had to lie.

- Of course. Of course
you had to lie, Phil.

- What? What are you? We're not.

Jess, come on.

Would you stop? Look, I'm sorry.

- Such a fucking idiot.
I'm a walking cliche.

- You're not a cliche.

- Hey. Watch it.

- You know what?
Go fuck yourself.

- What?

- Not you, that drunk
dip shit back there.

- You're so rude.



- Yes. You know what? I am rude.

I'm a rude guy, and I'm
super pissed off right now.

And it's a fucking
shit show out here.

So can we please just go
back to your apartment?

- No. God, you don't
get it, do you?

Such a fucking narcissist,
you only care about yourself.

We are done.

- Really?

- Yes. Really.

- Well, that's great, Jess.

That is just great. You know
what? Merry fucking Christmas!

- All right, Brian.
I'll smoke outside.

- [Phil] Jess.

Come on, Jess, please.

- Happy Hanukkah.
- Fuck off.

(grunting)

(screaming in pain)

- This guy hit an
elf on the shelf.

- I'm so sorry. I
didn't see you there.

- No. He was talking
shit. I heard him.

- Whoa whoa, whoa
whoa whoa. Guys, guys.

Let's make this right, okay?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think you can
just buy the elf off?

- [Girlfriend]
Kick his ass, babe.

- What are you doing, man?

- What?

- Come on. You're Jesus.

- [Jesus] So? Amen.

- So shouldn't you be
the voice of reason?

- I'm from Long Island, bro.

Let's fuck him up!

♪ Hark how the bells
sweet silver bells ♪

- Jesus, dude.

♪ Throw cares away ♪

♪ Christmas is here
bringing good cheer ♪

♪ To young and old
meek and the bold ♪

♪ Ding dong ding dong
that is the song ♪

♪ With joyful ring
all caroling ♪

- Phil, though?

♪ Words of good cheer
from everywhere ♪

♪ Filling the air
oh how they pound ♪

- I Love Christmas!

♪ Merry merry merry ♪

- Phil.

- Charlie?

- Yeah, wow. Dude,
you look amazing.

How long has it been?

♪ Merry merry merry Christmas ♪

♪ Merry merry merry Christmas ♪

♪ On on they send
on without end ♪

♪ Their joyful tone
to every home ♪

♪ Ah ah ah ding dong ding dong ♪

(all shouting at once)

- Hey, hey.

(punch lands)

- Oh my God. Phil!

♪ Ding dong ding dong
that is the song ♪

- We gotta get out
of here. Go, go.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

(muffled grunting)

Really tattooed you there.

You know, if you bleed through
that thing, don't feel bad.

Debbie at the bar has

a Costco sized pack
of like 40 of them.

She uses them for pretty
much everything around here.

That whole pool table
is leveled with them.

It's really nice to
see you. For real.

You know, I saw in
"Fast Company" that you

unloaded Braintree,
that's pretty big.

In "Barrens", they
said the deal was good.

That's awesome.

- [Phil] Yeah.

- [Charlie] I hope that's not
the reason that we lost touch.

- No, no.

- Because it's water
under the bridge.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, how did you
know that was me?

- Actually, I didn't at first.

But I thought I
recognized your gate.

'Cause when you walk, sometimes
your shoulders don't move.

I don't know if you know
that about yourself,

but then I saw your wallet
on the ground and I was like-

- Oh, yeah. What?
Do you have it?

- I actually.

Oh, now that you mention
it, don't have it.

I didn't pick it
up, such an idiot.

- [Phil] No, no. It's fine.

- No, it's not fine.

I saw it on the ground.
- I really should go.

- I think I was just so
happy that it was you.

- It's fine. Don't worry
about it, man. You know what?

I gotta go find it.
- No. Hey, hang out.

Wait wait, wait wait wait. We
just got here. Have a drink.

I have a tab here.

- No no, no no. It's, I.

It was a gift from my wife.

- Oh, shit. Well, then we
gotta find that wallet.

- What? No, no. You stay,
you finish your drinks.

Thank you again for this.
This was really great.

But, I got it from here.

- Phil. I want to help you out.

Nut shot.

- [Phil] Charlie, you
don't have to do that, man.

We're not gonna find
the wallet, man.

- Come on. We're not giving up.

Wives can tell when
gifts they've given
you have been lost.

- Yeah. You married?

- [Charlie] I was, not anymore.

- Any kids?

- [Charlie] No thank you. You?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I
got one in high school.

- You have a kid in high school?

- [Phil] Yeah.

- Oh my God. It has been
so long. We're so old.

You know, a couple years ago,

I did try to get
in touch with you.

- Oh.

Must have missed it.

- Yeah.

Someone threw out sugar fish.

- Look, look Charlie.

Take your hands outta
the garbage, all right.

Forget the wallet. It's gone.

- [Charlie] When Jesus
body slammed you,

that wallet went flying.

- Phil Shriver?

- Jesus Christ.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

You know what,
Trey? Do me a favor.

Fuck all the way off, please.

I have no clients over here
for you to steal right now.

- I knew that when I quit,
you were gonna go downhill.

But I did not realize that
I would find you with, what?

Homeless Paul Bunion,
dumpster diving.

I mean, this is just perfect.

All right, hey. Merry Christmas.

You're doing great.
- Thank you so much.

- Say hi to Babe.

This is my Christmas gift.

It's incredible.
- What an asshole.

- One of my former
partners, Trey Reynolds.

Thank you for the
effort. I gotta go.

- You sure? We could
have another drink?

- Also, full disclosure,

the woman that you saw me with
earlier today, not my wife.

It's complicated, obviously.

I mean, like everything
else in life,

it's just endlessly complicated.

- Phil, I get it.

Go in the ocean, you're
gonna get hit by a few waves.

You've got all your
riptide, and undercurrent.

Mother Nature is a beast

that is literally
trying to kill you.

So, what do you do?

Stand there, and and take hit
after hit and just keep going.

- When's your book come out?

- It's a cookbook,
so I don't know

if it's gonna be as
helpful in that area, but.

- All right. Well, look.
Thank you for trying.

Great seeing you. I gotta go.

- Let me call you an Uber.

- No no, no no. There's a cab
coming right here. I got it.

- Let me give you
some cash, come on.

I have a little cash, come on.

Take the cash.

- I owe you. Okay?

- Stop, you don't. It's just
good to see ya. Get home safe.

- [Phil] Hi. 72nd and Madison.

(calm music)

- Six, one. (scoffs)
Yeah, right.

And I'm fucking,
Andre the Giant.

(upbeat music)

♪ We're not scared
to lose it all ♪

♪ Security thrown
through the wall ♪

♪ Future dreams we
have to realize ♪

♪ 1000 skeptic hands ♪

♪ Won't keep us from
the things we plan ♪

♪ Unless we're clinging
to the things we prize ♪

♪ And do you feel scared I do ♪

♪ But I won't stop and falter ♪

♪ And if we threw it all away ♪

♪ Things can only get better ♪

♪ Oh oh whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪

♪ Oh oh whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪

♪ Oh oh whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪

♪ Oh oh whoa whoa
whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪

♪ Treating today as though it
was the last the final show ♪

♪ Get to 60 and feel no regret ♪

♪ It may take a little time a
lonely path an uphill climb ♪

♪ Success or failure
will not alter it ♪

♪ And do you feel scared I do ♪

♪ But I won't stop and falter ♪

♪ And if we threw it all away ♪

♪ Things can only get better ♪

♪ Oh oh whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪

♪ Oh oh whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪

♪ Oh oh whoa whoa ♪

- [Max] Mom, mom,
mom. Did you leave?

- No, baby. I'm in
the kitchen. I'm here.

- [Max] I can't find my iPad.

And I'm not leaving
without my iPad.

Mom, I need to be able
to talk to Sanjay.

- Maxy, calm down.

- [Max] No way I'm
leaving without my iPad.

- I need you to take a breath.
It's right there. Okay?

- Guys.
- Thank God.

- [Phil] Where are
you? Come on, let's go.

I'm double parked downstairs.

- [Rosie] All
right. We're packed.

We're all ready to go.
Everything's ready.
We're good, okay.

- [Phil] You know, people
are wearing masks down there.

- What, on the news,
all they're saying is

keep some space,
wash your hands.

- Okay.

- Some are saying mask work.
Others are saying they don't.

So confusing. All everyone can
agree on is wash your hands.

- All right, honey. Try
this. You know what?

Let's not go zero to 60
every five seconds, okay?

- Oh, I'm sorry. Have
you seen the news?

All I'm saying-
- Yes, I have seen the news.

- If you think we need masks,

Ricky and Ray probably
got extra, so.

- Oh, hell no.

- Okay, you're the one
that brought up masks.

- Yeah, but honey, we're not
gonna go an hour out of our way

to get anything from
your brothers, all right.

Where's Max? Oh here.

- [Rosie] Okay. I
need you to calm down.

- [Phil] Yeah, okay.
I am perfectly calm.

- Ready? You got everything?

- Ready?

- Whoa whoa.
- Oh, shit. Roger.

- Phil, stay back.

- You don't. You go.

- You get the next one.
- We got it. Yeah, we're good.

We'll take the next
one. Good luck.

Don't, you know, touch anything.

- You gotta hit the button.

- Yeah, I know.

I will.

Ah, shit. I just
touched the rail.

God damn it. God, yeah.

Is that all we have?

- You always said
it was bad for you.

- I know. We can order more.

- No, Amazon's out.

- How the fuck is Amazon out?

- Thank you, thank
you, thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Good luck. Good luck.

- Wait, where's Max?

- Oh, he was just here. Maxy?

- I'm right here.

- God, you're so quiet.

- Oh shit!

- What?

What, what's wrong? You okay?

- The toilet up
paper's upstairs.

- Wait here.

- Okay, wait. Wait, wait
wait. Here, here here.

(upbeat music)

♪ I been feeling
kind of down a lot ♪

- [Phil] That was-

- [Rosie] Five and a half hours.

- [Phil] The line of cars,
outside the grocery store.

- [Rosie] People are hoarding.

- [Phil] You got anything
about orientation?

Like, what are we supposed
to do about moving?

- [Rosie] This is really
what you want to deal with

right now, as the
world shuts down?

- [Phil] I don't care if
he's the only kid there.

He's going,

Is he not going in?

- He's waiting for us. He
has separation anxiety.

Adrian told us. Remember?

- 500 dollars an hour for Adrian

to give us that
golden nugget, really?

- Yeah.

- Well, he knows he's going

to boarding school
in six months, right?

- Okay.

- I'm the bad guy. I'm
always the bad guy.

(upbeat music)

(birds singing)

Hi, buddy.

So I set up that Zoom with
John Park for next week.

- I don't wanna see any more
therapists, Dad. Please, I.

- No, no. John's an
associate of mine.

He's an old friend.
He went to Hotchkiss.

So he was gonna talk
to you and, you know,

give you this skinny on the
dorms, get you all psyched.

- Dad, that's so extra.

- Why, you wanna
know what to expect

when you go in the Fall, right?

- They might not be open.

- Oh, they're gonna be
open. Okay, trust me.

And you're gonna go.

You still waiting for that girl

to accept your friend request?

- No. I haven't asked her yet.

- Okay. Well, you know.

In five months, it's
not gonna matter.

- What, won't?

- That she doesn't
wanna be your friend.

- I just said I
haven't asked her yet.

Mom?

- I'm downstairs. Max.

- [Max] Okay.

Wait, mom. Where downstairs?

Mom, Mom.
- Maxy, I'm in the kitchen.

- [Max] All right.

(cell phone beeps)

- [Phil] The markets
are still open.

And that means every single
day, I'm losing money.

What does that even
mean, you fucking idiot?

What are we gonna
do about that, huh?

'Cause from my end it looks like

you're doing
absolutely jack shit.

Call me tomorrow.

- [Reporter] A first alert.

And our state bye state
coronavirus tracking-

- All right.
- Jesus Christ.

- Well, Max is in
his room, online,

still trying to get the
popular kids to be his friends.

- Well, good. Good for
Max. He needs friends.

- You think that's gonna

help make him want to
go to boarding school?

- He's really nervous
about going, you know.

- He wasn't a couple months ago.

- [Reporter] The
coronavirus risk-

- Yeah, gee. I wonder
what's happened.

- [Reporter] The President's
own advisors make it clear,

he is out of touch with reality.

- He should have worked with
Ricky and Ray last Summer.

- That would've somehow
there prepared him,

for what we are
experiencing today?

- Probably, yeah.

- I got him the internship
at Goldman Sachs.

- It was a summer
with college kids,

who wouldn't give
him the time of day.

Did wonders for him,
socially and emotionally.

- Well, it's gonna look
a hell of a lot better

on his resume than, you know,

working at your brother's
freaking pizza joint.

- You're such a fucking snob.

- Why is my concern for our
son's future and wellbeing

somehow an indictment of me?

- You turned it into
an indictment of you.

- Oh, well. I'm sorry that I
worked so hard for this family.

- Oh, oh. Max and I know
really well how hard you work.

All we hear is you, is you
stomping and walking around,

screaming into your phone.

I do not think it's
healthy for our son

to hear his father
say things like,

I'm gonna tear your neck
outta your fucking asshole.

- What's your point?

- My point is, we didn't
have to hear this before.

You used to be at an office.

- What do you want me to do?

- I don't know.

Lisa's husband Zooms
from the bathroom.

- Lisa's husband's
a fucking idiot.

- Here we go, because
he doesn't make

boatloads of money
being a teacher.

- No, because he Zoom schools
from the freaking toilet.

- Okay. You know what?

- Where you going?
No, you know what? No.

You stay here, okay. I will go.

- I am.

- No no, no no, no no, no no.

No no, no no, no no, no no.

- [Customer] Hey, Phil.

Sorry to tell you this
over a voicemail, but

I'm gonna have to
pull out my funds.

Moving over to Trey
Reynolds's shop.

All right, man. Hope
you're staying safe.

- I just don't understand what
the fuck you're doing about.

Well, until that day happens,
it's still costing me money.

And you're still
my lawyer, right?

Then what the fuck are
you gonna do about it?

Yeah, I've seen the
news. I get it. I get it.

But guess what? The world
might be ending, Greg.

But it ain't over yet.

Jesus Christ!

And Max, do not
think for one second

that this is gonna get you
outta going to boarding school.

- I was thinking.

Maybe we could all go for
a hike tomorrow in Montauk.

- Oh, yeah. How am I
supposed to do that?

- It was just a suggestion.

- Well, the fund is
on the brink right now

because of Trey Reynolds.

Now I have people that I'm
responsible to, all right.

I have other people that
I'm responsible for.

Any way you slice it,

I don't have the kind of time
- You don't want to hike?

We don't have to hike.
- For wondering around

the fucking beach.
- Thank you.

(crickets chirping)

(upbeat music)

(pebble hits the window)

- [Ominous Voice] Phil, Phil?

- What is that?

- [Ominous Voice] Phil.

Phil, I don't wanna
wake your family.

- Mom, Mom, Mom. Mom, Mom?

Mom, we're being attacked.

- What?

- We're being attacked.
We're being attacked.

- Okay, why are you?
Why are you here?

- Nightmares.

- Okay. Okay, okay.

- We need to call, we
need to call the cops.

- Okay, but I left my
cell phone upstairs.

(pebbles hitting the window)

(shushing)

- Who the fuck is out here?

(suspenseful music)

(Rosie screaming)

- Who is that?
- I don't know.

- Hi. I'm a friend of Phil's.

- You, you. Who are
you? What do you want?

- Phil. Phil, hey.
It's me. It's Charlie.

- Charlie? Jesus Christ, man.

- Sorry. I'm sorry.
- It's okay it's okay.

What are you doing here?

- It got really bad in
the city, and I panicked.

- So you came here?

You scared the shit
out of my family

in the middle of the night.

- I found your wallet.

- You found my wallet?

- [Charlie] So I
hopped in an Uber.

- Wait, you took an Uber here?

Charlie, the driver
could have been sick.

- We made a pact.

We said tell each
other right now,

have you seen anyone
that might have covid?

And he said, absolutely not.

He said he only had
like six roommates.

But I was wearing a
mask 70% of the time.

- This is one of the stupidest
things you've ever done

in a very long list
of stupid things.

You realize that?

- I live alone.

And I read that people
are dying of loneliness.

- [Phil] It's been two weeks.

- That's a long time
not to see anybody.

- Charlie, what do you want?

- Can I stay here?

- You're kidding.

- Just until the city
calms down, you know?

And it, and it. You owe me.

- Are you bringing
up Braintree now?

- No.

The other night?

You said you owe me.

Remember, 'cause of
that blonde girl?

- [Phil] He's
agreed to quarantine

on the other side of the house.

- You already let him in?

- Well, yeah.

- Phil!
- What? What?

I drew an imaginary
line on the floor.

I said, I, I, I said
you do not cross, okay?

And you know, I mean.
He didn't look sick.

- He could be asymptomatic,

which if everything I
read on Twitter is true,

that means he could have it,

which means you're gonna get it,

which means Max and I are
definitely gonna get it next.

- Oh, God.

- Relax, Max. Okay.

Look, Charlie is
not asymptomatic.

All right, trust me.

If he had this thing,
he would have serious,

serious symptoms by now.

I mean, he's a, he's

portly.

(tape stretching out)

Okay, see.

Here's the line.

- I don't think you understand
how an airborne virus works.

- Wow, Phil.

Your family is
quite breathtaking.

- Yeah, yeah. This
is our son, Max.

- Mad Max.

Nope, right. The line.

- That's right.

- You know, your dad and
I used to be pretty tight.

Lived together for a
while. He was so intense.

He would fart, and the
power would go out.

Nothing, okay.

- And this is my wife, Rosie.

- Enchante. Whoa,
right. The line. Got it.

Rosalia, Rosalita?
Doesn't matter.

You're even more gorgeous
than I dreamed, not dreamed.

I wasn't dreaming
about. Imagined.

- Well, it's nice to
meet you, Charlie.

So what do you
have on my husband?

- I don't have anything, I.

- Just answer the question.

- I um,

found his wallet, 'cause
we hung out the other day.

- Did you like my husband
when you first met him?

- What? No, yes. When I
first met him the last time?

Or when I first
met him, like ever?

- Do you have trouble
telling the truth?

- Not generally, but I
am very nervous right now

by your line of questioning.

- I still got it.

Clean towels upstairs.
Help yourself. Welcome.

Max, let's go.

- What a peach.

What a welcoming,
welcoming vibe.

- Listen, we're gonna
go back to bed. Okay?

Just try to keep it down and,

I'll see you in the morning.

- Yeah, it's like
I'm not even here.

Hey, Phil?

- Yeah.

- I just wanna let you
know what you're doing,

it's a real mitzvah.

- Yeah, It really is.

- Okay, Phil?

- Yes.

- What do I do if I
get hungry, or thirsty,

or I run outta my medicated
wipes and I need toilet paper?

'Cause the line.

- Okay, you may occasionally,

from time to time,
quietly cross the line.

- Like a little bit of
times I can cross the line.

- But, you know.

- Got it.
- Okay.

- [Charlie] Hey, Phil?

- Yes?

- Is this one of those
times? 'Cause I feel like-

- No, no.
- Yep, got it.

- If we're not gonna
respect the line,

then, you know,
what are we doing?

- I'm a hugger, so it's gonna
be hard in this new normal.

- Let's respect the line.

- Of course.
- All right.

- Good night.
- Respect the line.

Oh, hey, Phil?

Pretty positive. I forgot
the medicated wipes.

So I'm gonna need
some TP whenever you.

(birds singing)
(snoring)

(upbeat music)

Philly boy, that's gorgeous.

Gotta drink.

And if I'm going eat.

Bloody Mary?

- He's trying to steal
my entire client roster.

Yes, I'm keenly aware

that I've had a couple
down years, Andrew.

No one is more aware
of that than me.

Braintree is, you can't
recreate that all right.

That was a one time thing.
It was the invisible unicorn.

- Good morning, everybody.

- Listen, I gotta go
all right. Start filing.

- Phil, this house is amazing.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.

Listen, I'm making some green
smoothies for me and Max.

You want one?

- Oh, you know what?

No, I'd actually rather have
a big tall glass of warm piss.

I said I'd rather have a
tall glass of warm piss.

Can he not hear it?

- Really?

- Just a little hair of the dog.

You don't have to be so judgy.

- Wait, where did you even
find the mixer for that?

- In your bar.

- Oh, dude. That stuff's
like three Summers old.

- I guess that's why it's
like kind of, has a fur.

- Listen, um. About last night.

- Yeah. What was that?
- I know.

- Your wife came at me like
fucking Julianna Margoles.

- I know. She was
irritated with me.

- Yeah, well. She's scared me.

- She's scary. I know. You
wobbled on all of your answers.

- Well, I didn't think I
was gonna have a deposition

in the middle of
the fucking night.

- Yeah, well just because
she doesn't practice anymore

doesn't mean my wife is still
not a brutal cross examiner.

Keep that in mind.

- Maybe you should tell her
that every once in a while.

I'm sure she would
love to hear it.

- I gotta go.

This is for you. Button this.

- Wait. Dad, where you going?

- Work.

- What you jamming on?

♪ I am tired of being tired ♪

♪ I'm so tired of being tired ♪

♪ There's no question
there's so much pain ♪

♪ I'm getting older
and won't hate ♪

♪ If I could shut of my brain ♪

♪ Make me focus on better days ♪

♪ 'Cause every day
feels all the same ♪

♪ It's like I'm stuck on
a crowd in a local train ♪

♪ If I could shut off my brain ♪

♪ Make it think more
certainly of everything ♪

♪ 'Cause every day
goes by the same ♪

♪ It's like I'm stuck on
a crowd in a local train ♪

♪ Local train local
train local train ♪

♪ No one no one no one no one ♪

♪ 'Cause every day
every day every day ♪

♪ It's all the same it's all
the same it's all the same ♪

♪ I'm going through
the motions ♪

♪ I'm going through
the motions ♪

♪ I know it's gonna
be it's gonna okay ♪

♪ I'm going through
the motions ♪

♪ I'm going through
the motions ♪

♪ I know it's gonna
be it's gonna okay ♪

- [Phil] I just think it would
be nice to have some answers

about when the school
is gonna open up.

We've already paid the deposit.

And you also have my
very generous donation

to the Whoeverstein
Library that's going up.

- What's up?

- Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I just stepped into your
beautiful afternoon, and I.

I'm, I'm sorry.

- Oh my God. No, you're fine.

I smelled that good
that you're smoking on.

- Oh, well. Please, by all
means. It's phenomenal.

- Wait. Oh my God.
- Oh my God.

- No.
- Holy shit. I'm so sorry.

- I'm not allowed.

- No, you can't do that anymore.

- That was so dangerous.
- I almost killed you.

This is like poison.

(laughing)

Oh, man.

- I know. I'm still
trying to get used to it.

I would've, like a month ago,
I would've just taken that,

and just drop
litted all over it.

Everything I used to
do in the before times.

Now I'm out here in the country

with my 100 year old
dad making sourdough,

and not taking joints
from strangers.

- You're making the bread.

- [Emma] Oh yeah.
I made the bread.

- God, I really want to
make the bread. Is it good?

- Well, I'm making
the bread right now.

It's still rising, so.

- I'm Charlie, by the way.

- Emma.

- Kind of like pandemic
roommates with the neighbors.

- I'm just out here on my every
10 minute fresh air break,

you know, required by
the CDC or whatever.

- No, I know. I try to take
one every five minutes.

- Life in a pandemic.

- Well, I will throw a
bag over for you, maybe.

- Oh my God. Thank you.

And I'll throw over some
sourdough if it turns out good.

- Oh, it doesn't
matter good or bad.

They're gluten free in
there and I'm, I'm dying.

(laughing)

Well, it was nice having you
check me out, so thank you.

- Okay. I wasn't checking
you out. But I like your fit.

It's pandemic chic.

Enjoy your weed.

- Enjoy your wine.

It's quite a pour.

(laughing)

(suspenseful music)

- Mom.

Mom, Mom.

No.

'Cause they're doing
something nice for me.

I can't stay with
you, Mom. You're old.

No, you can't come here.

You will die if you get this.

I don't care that you've
been going to Curves.

You're an old woman, Mom.

This is the right thing to
do, okay. It feels right.

Feels like maybe there
was a reason that,

that I was supposed
to bump into him.

Who knows, Mom?

What are you doing?

Did someone say you
could go through my shit?

- Sorry.

- No, I'm sorry. I'm
sorry. Don't run.

Don't run, I'm so tired.

Are you on the track team?

No, no. Wait.

Max, wait, wait. I'm sorry.

- Just leave.
- I'm sorry.

- Why are you running?

- [Max] Charlie, Charlie, just.

- No, I'm sorry.

- Just don't, don't
hurt me, please.

- I'm not gonna hurt, hurt you.

Why would I hurt you? I
just want to apologize.

Please stop running.

- No, no no. Then you stop.

- Oh my God. I'm gonna
have a heart attack.

Oh, I feel it in my arm.

This is where it starts.
It starts in the arm.

- I'm sorry I ran,
you were just.

You looked so
angry, I was scared.

- I'm not angry.
I'm sorry I yelled.

You can't go through
my shit, you know.

You need to ask for entree.

- I came up there
in peace. I just.

I saw you talking to that
girl, that woman, the neighbor.

- Yeah, so?

- Well,

just.

How do you do it, you know?

- Are you implying because
I look the way I do,

and she's beautiful,
that there's

some sort of obstacle
for me to overcome?

- I just, it, it just
looked easy for you.

- Because I will let you know
right now, chubby guys fuck.

We put in that work.

We'll eat you out
for like a half hour,

before I even think
about what I'm getting.

You know, we, we're
generous lovers.

- It's not that easy for me.

I can't even get myself to

follow this girl that
I'm into on Instagram.

- I don't know, my dude.

You wanna talk to someone.

The truth is, it's
a what's the worst

that could happen
situation, you know?

- Yeah.

- I don't really
know how to say this

in a positive way, Phil,
but I'm moving my accounts,

and my money outta yours and
putting them in with Trey.

Since his departure, it really,

it doesn't look
good on your end.

(calm music)

- Who was it that said,

kill all the lawyers?

Was that Al Capone?

- Whoa.

Rough day.

(knocking on door)

- Who's there?

- What you mean, who's there?
It's Charlie. Can I come in?

- Yeah.

- See how I did that?

How I asked if I could enter,
waited for your response,

then received the permission
I was looking for?

And now I shall go in.

- Yeah, I saw.

- This is a very, very
cool room of a boy

who is not quite a man,
but not quite a boy.

Sweet ax.

- Thank you. I
like your tattoos.

- Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I got enough tattoos to
be a chef, but I don't cook.

- I like your owl.

- I got it for my grandma
when she passed away.

She was wise, but she also
looked like an owl, so.

And then I got
this one down here.

- [Max] I can't see it.

- It's over here.
It says lion hair.

I got that when I was 16.

I fell in love with this blonde
girl, and my mom would say-

- [Max] 16?

- looks like someone
got attacked by a lion.

- Oh, what's that plane?

- I got that for my dad,
when he passed away.

'Cause he was a pilot.

Better pilot than a dad,
but a pretty good pilot.

- That's sad.

- And then this
is an Eames chair.

That's not for anyone that died.

That's just an item that
you will grow to covet.

- What's an Eames chair?

- You know, I been
doing a little thinking

about your lady
problem, as it were.

- [Max] Oh, okay. And would you?

- I think I have a
solution for you.

- [Max] What is it?

- Well, I think what
you need, my friend,

is what's called a hard reset.

- No, I don't wanna lie.
I don't wanna lie to her.

- I'm not asking you to lie.

I'm not saying full
like a college scandal,

Felicity Huffman shit.

I'm just saying, you
need to present this

lady of yours with a
new side of yourself,

that maybe she hasn't seen.

That way, she kind of
takes you in with new eyes.

A hard reset.

- What if I make her laugh?

'Cause I make Sanjay laugh
a lot, so I can be funny.

- Oh, you're being
serious about that.

Oh, okay yeah.
Let's go with that.

- [Max] What? You don't
think I can do it?

- Oh, no no. I think
you could be funny.

Yeah, no, I think you.

That was one of the first
things I thought when I met you,

was like this kid is,
this kid is a crack off.

- Okay, well then I don't, I
don't want embarrass myself.

I don't want her to laugh
at me, then. You're right.

- She won't laugh at
you. Do something online.

Just like write or make
a meme. Shit out a meme.

I don't know what the
proper term for it is,

but make a meme.

- Okay. You sure?

- Yeah.
- Okay, so then.

How do we make somebody laugh?

- You just Google image
social conscious pictures,

and show all these images that

have been shared by
millions of people.

You just pick one,

and then you write a
funny, witty caption.

If the picture is
King Kong climbing up

the Empire State Building,
you write underneath it,

me until I've had my coffee.

And then you throw
it up on Insta.

You get a big fat
like from old CD69,

and you're on your way.

- CD? Who's CD69?

- Charlie Don 69.
It's my screen name.

It's been my screen name at

every possible email
account you could have.

I had Charlie 69 at
Prodigy, Charlie 69 at AOL,

Charlie 69 at Hotmail.

I even at Charlie 69 at Apple,

and that became at iCloud.

And now it's at me, but
you have to pay for it,

so I don't have it anymore.

- Is it funny?

I want to be funny.
- Yes, it's funny.

It's got 69 in the title.

I don't know what to tell you.

I mean, people think I'm funny.

Anyway. Make that
meme, Meme Lord.

- [Max] And Charlie,
I should know.

What is 69, so I can-

- Nope, whoop.

Ba ba ba ba boo.
- What's that?

Ba ba ba ba, ba ba
ba ba boo. Boo boo.

- [Max] What?

(snoring)

- Oh my God. You fucking
children of the corned me, man.

- [Max] So sorry,
Charlie. I just-

- You can't do that.

- I just, I just
came real quick.

- Seriously, I think I'm
having a heart attack.

You can't do that.

- Sorry, I just. I just wanted
to show you I made the meme.

- The what?

- The meme. I made the
meme, like you said.

- Oh, the meme? Yes, the
meme. Yes yes, the meme.

What I thought my
apocalypse outfit would be.

What it actually is.

- It's not, you're not
laughing. It's not funny?

- No, no. It's, it's,
it's really funny.

Sometimes when I read things, I,

and they're funny I
don't laugh, but like I.

You laugh in your mind, you
know, like "The New Yorker".

- So I should post it?

- Post that shit. Yes,
you only got one shot.

- Thanks, Charlie.

- Yeah, while we're in
it, shoot that shit, baby.

Eight mile, mom's spaghetti.

Top of the morning.

- Oh my God, you gotta
wear clothes today.

- What are talking about?
I am wearing clothes.

This is Egyptian cotton.

- I have a Zoom
with a girlfriend