Who Done It? (1949) - full transcript

[♪]

RADIO NEWSCASTER:
Ah, there's grim news tonight.

Once more,
the Phantom gang has struck,

and terror stalks
through the city.

Another prominent citizen
has disappeared,

and men are asking,
"Who will be next?"

Don't do that!

But, sir, I'm worried.
Uh, you may be next.

Me? Oh, no. No, nonsense.

There's nothing to worry about.

Uh, I'm not worried.



No, I'm-- I'm not--

Where are
those detectives?

They promised to be here
an hour ago.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

"You will be next."

Operator.

Operator.

Get me the Alert
Detective Agency.

How should I know the number?

The Alert Detective Agency.

[PHONE RINGING]

[GROANS]

[STOOGES GRUNTING]

[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]



Help me with this thing.
Okay.

What's the matter, boys?

Yeah, we've been robbed.

Hey, we gotta get going.
What does your watch say?

Don't say nothing.
You gotta look at it.

Oh.
Get outta here.

Answer the phone.

I'll answer it
when I'm ready.

Yeah?

Oof! I'm ready.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Oh, yes, Mr. Goodrich.

I'm sorry, we were tied up.

He means we were detained.

We're on our way, though.

Uh, that's fine.
Thanks. Uh, goodbye.

There.

I feel a lot safer already.

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTING]

Very neatly done, Nikko.
Take him away.

Uh, but, sir,
Mr. Goodrich phoned.

The detectives
are on their way.

Detectives.
That's not good.

Don't worry, my sweet.
They won't stay long.

[CHUCKLING]

Sleeping pills.
The permanent kind.

Ooh. Heh-heh!
Ha-ha-ha!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Stand where you are.
We're detectives.

What's going on
around here?

Well--
Search the suspect.

Suspect?
The butler's always a suspect.

Hold it for a still.
Good.

Okay.
I think he moved.

Wait a minute.

What did you find?
Only this.

Why, you...
Ooh!

Hold it.
Your watch.

Would you step in here,
please?

Boy,
what a creepy-looking joint.

Swell place
for a murder.

Cut that out.
Yeah, don't talk like that.

Nothing's gonna happen.
Absolutely nothing.

Come on.

He's right.
What could happen?

I guess I'm just
the nervous type, I guess.

[CHUCKLES]

Hello.

ALL:
Oh, hello.

We're detectives.
Mr. Goodrich sent for us.

Oh?

I'm his niece.

The niece is nice.
Heh-heh!

Hold on.

We're here on business.

I mean business.

Oh--
Wait a minute.

Why, you...
Hold it.

You know what this means.
You can't give it to me--

[GRUNTS]

Oh, the glass.

Hmph. I'm framed.

I'm afraid something
dreadful has happened.

Uncle has disappeared.

No.

He was sitting
right over there.

Suddenly...
I heard a scream!

[STOOGES YELP]

Let go of me,
will you?

Then he was gone.
Well, don't worry.

We'll take care
of everything.

We'll find fingerprints.
Get the camera ready.

Come on, eagle.

Get busy.
Oh.

Oh!

What's the matter?

Nothing. I--
Get that letter.

Which one?
That one.

[SCREAMING]

Go on over
and look for fingerprints.

Oh, look at that. It's got
that polymer written on it.

But I'll fix that.

Stop down
a quarter of a mile.

That's about right.

Somebody left some hypo
in there.

Oh,
highly polished mahogany.

And termites

with big blue eyes.

I--

Get out of here.
Oof!

Fingerprints.

Ready with the camera.

Right, ready with the camera.
Coming right up.

Smile.

Cut it out.

[SNIFFING]

The fingerprints.
Oh!

Tend to business.

Oh!

No! Moe!
Larry, help!

There was an ugly-looking thing
staring right at me.

It was horrible.

What do you know?
It was you.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You imbecile.
We're getting no place fast.

Oh!

May I make
a suggestion?

Yeah.
Certainly.

Why not separate
and search the place?

What an idea.
Brilliant.

But certainly.
One of you come with me.

Yes, I--
Come here.

Wait-- Wait a minute.
I heard what the lady said.

MOE:
Come on.

Leave us leave,
my sweet.

Oh.

Don't you raise
your hand to me.

Now, don't you go
get yourselves murdered.

Oh,
don't worry about us.

Murdered?
Aah! Turn me loose.

Like I told Shemp,
there's nothing to be afraid of.

Not a thing.

Of course not.

Then spread out.

Okay, I'm raring
to go.

Before we start,
let's have a little drink.

Oh, boy,
that's for me.

Now, don't go away.
Oh, I won't.

Hm, nice picture.

Yes, isn't it?

So natural.
It looked like the trees moved.

[CHUCKLES]

Yes, sir,
I sure enjoy good pictures.

Well, then, I'm sure
you'll like that one.

Oh, yes, nice.
Very nice.

But, you know, uh,
I like that one much better.

Oh, you do, do you?
Ha-ha.

It's by
a very famous painter.

The same one
who painted that one.

Oh, charming, charming.

But my favorite is,
uh, that one.

It is lovely.

Yes, it is lovely.

[LAUGHS]

Well, cheerio.

A couple of pip-pips, a little
barbecue, and what have you?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

A short life
and a merry one.

You ain't kiddin'.

How do you feel, kiddo?

Fine. Fine.

And you?
Oh, great.

I never felt better
in my life.

I'll never forget that--
Eee!

[HIGH-PITCHED WHEEZING]

[GASPING]

[SCREECHING]

[CHITTERING]

[WHEEZING]

[SCREECHING]

Take it easy, kid.
Hey, what happened?

[WHEEZING]

That dame
tried to poison me.

She's gone.

Hey, a secret panel.

There must be
a secret panel.

You take that wall.
Where to?

Go ahead.

You look back there.

Hm.

Oh! Oh, oh! Oh!

[FRUSTRATED WHINE]

[LAUGHS]

Oh! Oh, oh!

Shemp, Larry! Shemp!
Oh-oh-oh-oh!

What's the matter?
Something hit me on the head.

What?
I don't know.

Oh, you think I'm goofy.
Yeah.

Well, I'll show you.

Get over there.

You get over here.

Move that gadget.

I'll tell you when.

When.

[YELLING]

LARRY: What?
Something hit me again.

That picture.
You're crazy.

How could a picture
hit you?

How? He asked me,
how it could hit me?

Come here.

Right there.
You, right there.

Go ahead,
move it.

[YELLING]

That's how.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh!

[FRUSTRATED WHINE]

Oh, you...

[SCREAMS]

Let's get out of here.

[STOOGES WHIMPER]

[LOCK CLICKS]

Hey, who was that guy?

I don't know,
but he don't like us.

A guy can get killed
around here.

Yeah, let's scram.
Wait a minute.

We're private detectives,
ain't we?
BOTH: Yeah.

In movies does a private
eye give up?
BOTH: No.

But you softies
wanna quit like cowards,

just because
you might get killed.

BOTH:
Yeah.

That's a great idea.
Let's go.

Hey, the window.

[GROANS]

SHEMP:
Hey, the phone.
Let's call the cops.

Yeah.

Help! Help!

It's dead.
We're in a tough spot, men.

Yeah, it's gonna take brains
to get us out of here.

That's why I said
we're in a tough spot.

[CHIRPING]

Shut up.
This is no time for singing.

[YELLING]

Let go of my arm.
Ooh!

[CONTINUES CHIRPING]

Why, you...

What's the matter with you?
Oh! Why, you...

[WHIMPERING]

[CHIRPING]

[STOOGES WHIMPERING]

[CRASHING]

[ALL GROANING]

HACKETT:
Wait till
I get my hands on you!

[HACKETT SHOUTING]

Give me that gun!
Give me that-- Unh!

[SIGHS]

[PANTING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[BOTH YELP]

Hey, Moe. It's me.
It's Larry.

Moe.

Moe.

Moe.

[WHIMPERING]

[CHOKING]

Larry. Larry, is that you?

Larry, say something,
you nitwit.

Where are you?

Oh, there you are.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

[BOTH SCREAM]

[BONES CRUNCH]
[SCREAMS]

Hey, Moe,
where are you going?

He got away from you,
didn't he? Ha!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

That thing. The goon.
He's coming.

Hey. What did he say?

[SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERING]

[THUDDING]

[MOE GRUNTS]

MOE:
Larry.

Oh.

Moe. Come here.

Wait a minute.
I'm sorry.

I thought you was the goon.

Say something.
Say something.

Numskull.
Oh!

Don't you know? You've
been around me many years.

Don't you know what I look like?
I'm sorry.

[LARRY & MOE SHOUTING]

MOE:
You're nothing but a nitwit.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Oh!
Ow, let go.

[BOTH YELLING]

I guess that takes care
of Handsome Harold.

Boy, you're a genius.

Nice work, kid.

Oh, it's nothin'.

It's nothin' at all.
Ha-ha!

I'll never forget the first time
I saved a couple of guys.

It was in a poolroom. Ha-ha!

A guy walks in,
he says, "Stick 'em up."

I says, "Nothin' scares me."

Will you cut it out?
Cut it out. He says, "Yeah?"

And I says, "yeah"
right back at him. Give him--

What's the matter with you?
I'm tired. Will you go and--?

Aah! Moe. Larry.

A corpus.
A corpus.

MOE:
It's old man Goodrich.

[BODY THUDS]
[ALL WHIMPER]

[STOOGES YELL]

[GASPING]

Moe. Larry. Look.

He's alive.
Come on.

Take it easy, Mr. Goodrich.

Everything's under control.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're the detectives?

Yeah.
Thank goodness.

What happened?
Who snatched you?

T-The Phantom gang.

They tortured me
to get my money.

SHEMP: The rats.
I'm a lover of fine music.

They tied me up and made me
listen to singing commercials.

STOOGES:
Oh!

I thought I'd go mad.
Mad!

[SOBBING]
Okay. Oh, there.

Okay.

Ugh, get away.

It was horrible,
the music...

[ALL SOBBING]

There they are!
Get 'em!

MOE:
Hey!

Ah, good work, kid.
Good work.

[BOTH LAUGH]

BOTH:
Oh!

Stay where you are.

You're all covered.

Who put out
those lights?

[GUNSHOTS]

My furniture, be careful.

Where are you? Oh!

Here I am, Moe.

Whoa! Whoa!

Shemp, are you okay?

[ALL GROANING AND GRUNTING]

It's--
It's all over, boys.

You can get up now.

You've--
You've beat 'em up.

Ha-ha! It's wonderful.
Wonderful.

Tell me, uh,
how did you do it?

I did it with my little shovel.
Oh.

One of them was coming at me,
wham.

I let him have it.

Another one came at me
from this side.

Wham! Wham!
I let him have it.

I started to swing
left and right.

Five of them
started to come at me.

Did that stop me? No.

Whang, I--

Hey.

Hey, where did everybody go?

Moe! Larry!

Uh, wait for me!

[♪]